Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

CNN Univision Democratic Debate

Written by: Jim Downey

Campbell Brown…..Kristen Wiig
Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
John King…..Jason Sudeikis
Jorge Ramos…..Will Forte

[ open on CNN graphics ]

Voiceover: This… is CNN.

[ dissolve to debate graphics ]

Announcer: The CNN-Univision Democratic Debate: America Votes 2008.

[ dissolve to Campbell Brown standing before the two Democratic candidates ]

Campbell Brown: Good evening, and welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Auditorium in Austin, Texas, for this historic debate between the two remaining candidates seeking the Democratic nomination for President. Illinois senator Barack Obama, and New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Campbell Brown, and I will be the moderator tonight. With questions coming from my colleagues: CNN Chief National Correspondent, John King… and Univision anchor, Jorge Ramos.

Like nearly everyone in the news media, the three of us are totally “in the tank” for Senator Obama. We will make every effort tonight to keep these bias hidden, but, should it become obvious, please remember we’re only human. I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed as an Oba-maniac! While my associate, John King, just last week suffered his third Barack-Attack. [ King nods ] As for Jorge Ramos, he is clearly… just obsessed with Senator Obama, kind of… to an unhealthy degree, really… and, uh — well, I guess you could just call him a stalker! [ Ramos nods ]

Now, let’s meet the candidates. Just four years ago, Barack Obama was known only as a brilliant, charasmatic, and universally admired member of the Illinois State Senate. Today, he is one of our nation’s truly visionary leaders, and, soon — knock on wood — the first Black President of the United States. Senator Barack Obama.

[ the audience applauds, as does Campbell Brown and Jorge Ramos; John King whistles through his two pinky fingers ]

Campbell Brown: In 1992, Hillary Clinton’s husband, William Jefferson Clinton, became the 42nd President of the United States. A few years after that, he cheated on her again, and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate, against a weak Republican opponent in an overwhelmingly Democratic state. In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener, with an excellent attendance record.

And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos.

[ cut to Jorge Ramos, with Question Tag: “Is There Anything We Can Get Sen. Obama?” ]

Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama… are you comfortable? Is there anything we can get for you?

Barack Obama: No. Thank you. I’m fine.

Campbell Brown: John King, a follow-up?

[ Question Tag now reads: “Is Sen. Obama Sure There Isn’t Anything We Can Get Him? Because It’s Really No Trouble.” ]

John King: Senator Obama, uh — a minute ago, Jorge Ramos asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said, “No, thank you. I’m fine.” My question is: Are you sure? Because it’s, you know, it’s really no trouble.

Barack Obama: [ motioning his hand ] I… am quite sure. Thank you, though.

Campbell Brown: And our next question is for Senator Clinton. Again, from John King.

John King: Senator Clinton, less than two months ago you were the heavy favorite to be the Democratic nominee. Since that time, you have lost 31 of 38 primaries and caucuses to Senator Obama, including the last eleven straight. Now, do you still believe you can win this nomination?

Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] My goodness, John! This process is far from over, and I think it’s a little premature to start counting us out.

John King: Well, a few nights ago you lost BADLY to Senator Obama in Wisconsin. In theory, isn’t that a — isn’t that a state you should have won?

Hillary Clinton: [ shaking her head ] Not at all, John. Frankly, we never expected to win Wisconsin.

John King: He also beat you in Virginia.

Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] It was always our intention to lose Virginia.

John King: Well, what about Maryland? You lost there by twenty points.

Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] John, getting blown out by Senator Obama in Maryland has been a dream of mine since childhood.

John King: And, just in the last two weeks, Senator Obama has been making major inroads among your main supporters — blue collar workers, Catholics, and women.

Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, John! Apparently, someone forgot to tell that to white women over eighty! Because we’re doing very well there — just under 50%!

Campbell Brown: Now, as is customary at these debates, we’re going to have a questino from an ordinary citizen, chosen completely at random from our audience. Tonight’s questioner is: Obama Girl.

[ cut to Obama Girl standing in the audience ]

Obama Girl: Senator Obama? [ dance music pots up, as she lip-synchs: ] “I can’t wait til 2008 / Baby, you’re the best candidate / Yes, I got a crush on Obama / I got a crush on Obama –“

Hillary Clinton: Uh — excuse me — I — I’m sorry — um — I really have to say something here. First of all, that wasn’t even a question; second, she was lip-synching; and — and — third, I really find it diffiult to believe this particular questioner was chosen at random.

Campbell Brown: Senator clinton… if you ever… interrupt Obama Girl again, I will personally escort you from this building. Do I make myself clear?

Hillary Clinton: [ stung, she bites her lip before answering ] I’m sorry. I thought she was finished.

Campbell Brown: I think you owe Obama Girl — and the people of this nation — an enormous Obam-apology. Obama Girl, please continue.

Obama Girl: [ continues lip-synching: ] “On Obama / Barack Obama!”

[ everyone applauds Obama Girl’s question ]

Campbell Brown: Our next question is also for Senator Obama, and comes from Jorge Ramos.

Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama — [ chokes, rubs his shoulders ] Oh, God! I’m so nervous! I still can’t believe I’m actually talking to you! [ starts to lightly hyperventilate ]

Barack Obama: That’s okay. Take your time.

Jorge Ramos: Okay. Uh — as you know, uh, Senator… as I explained in the letter that I duct-taped to your front door — I’m sorry that it went on so long, I just, uh, I just really, really, really, really, really want you to be the next President! And not just because you’re a… fantastic human being, and the only person who can turn this nation around, but, you know, also because, deep down, I — I really and truly believe that it is DESTINY that you and I will one day be together! That, uh — you will become a part of me, and I will become a part of you. Joined as one. Does that make sense?

Barack Obama: Yeah, I guess. Sure.

Jorge Ramos: Okay. So, my — my question is: Are you mad at me?

Barack Obama: [ he thinks it over ] No. Not at all.

Jorge Ramos: Oh! Good! I was afraid that you might be mad at me because, you know, all the shilling for you in my campaign coverage has been so obvious, and, because I spend every night sitting in front of your house in a parked car.

Barack Obama: [ nods ] You know, Jorge… [ he motions with his hand ] as I travel around this country… I’m hearing the same… sentiments from every journalist I meet. Like the local TV anchor… in Columbus, Ohio… who brazenly wears an “Obama for President” button… as he reads the news. Or… the political reporter in Elko, Nevada… who rides around every evening after work… vandalizing Hillary’s yard signs. [ he reaches over to hold Hillary’s hand, but she struggles to pull it away ] But… for too long… in this country… the press has been hearing the same old refrain: “Just give us the news.. not your personal opinions.” And they’re tired… they’re tired of being told: “You journalists have to stay neutral. You can’t openly take sides in a political campaign.” And they’re saying, “Yes, we can. Yes, we can take sides. Yes, we can.”

Campbell Brown: [ fanning herself ] Wow..!

Jorge Ramos: Bullseye!

John King: Nothin’ but net!

Campbell Brown: Well, there’s obviously no way on Earth anyone could possibly follow that.

Hillary Clinton: Well, actually, uh —

Campbell Brown: So, this continues tonight’s debate. From all of us, here in Austin: Good night, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

What’s That Bitch Talking About?

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Gregory DuBois…..Kenan Thompson
Richard Dinwiddie…..Bill Hader
Katherine Bagwell…..Tina Fey
Model 1…..Amy Poehler
Model 2…..Casey Wilson
Model 3…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: It’s time for the fun game of interpretation! “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Adn here’s your host — Gregory DuBois!

Gregory DuBois: Hello, everyone! And welcome to “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” We got two contestants ready to play! [ show each contestant at introduction ] He’s a medical researcher from Baltimore, Maryland. Please welcome Richard Dimwitty! And our returning champion — an editorial assistant from Scottsdale, Arizona. Plase welcome Katherine Bagwell. Okay, contestants, you both know the rules: by the end of the game, someone’s gonna walk away with a 1992 canary-yellow Mazda Protege. [ show slide of the car ] Are you ready?

Katherine Bagwell: Yes!

Richard Dinwiddie: Uh-huh.

Gregory DuBois: Let’s play “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Listen up, contestants, here we go!

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]

Model 1: Because I SAW him! Were you there? Well, then, you don’t know! You didn’t see the mess! The couch was ruined. I’m taking him back there, that’s what! No, they’re not! I’m gonna tell them to switch it! To SWITCH it!!

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: Okay, Richard — [ shrugs his shoulders ] What’s That Bitch Talking About?

Richard Dinwiddie: Okay, I — I — I heard her say something about a mess? And maybe some kind of, uh — some kind of a purchase? Is she angry that someone spilled a drink on her?

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: Ohhhh! I am sorry. Katherine, you want to take a shot?

Katherine Bagwell: Yeah, um — it sounds like she took her dog to the vet, and he gave her dog the wrong medicine, which made him sick.

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: CORRECT!! You’re on the board! Alright! Here comes the next challenge!

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 2 yelling toward the audience ]

Model 2: It ain’t my fault! I told him FOUR days ago! Well, then you tell her to get her ay-ass back on over here and unload all those vacuum cleaners herself! No, I don’t CARE!! She can go ahead! Y’all don’t even want to SEE what I gotta DO if I gotta come back there!! Y’all don’t even WANT to see what my ah-ass —

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: [ stunned ] What’s THAT bitch talking about, Richard?

Richard Dinwiddie: Uhhh — she’s obviously having a bad day of some kind. I-I-I’m gonna say she’s angry… at — at her mother.

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Katherine?

Katherine Bagwell: She works at Wal-Mart, and they want her to stay through her entire shift, but she can’t because she has to leave early to pick up her boyfriend who’s got his license suspended for driving under the influence of Oxycontin.

[ dinger ]

[ Richard is bewildered by the exactness of Katherine’s answer ]

Gregory DuBois: Excellent! EXcellent! You’re in the lead! Okay, let’s go on to our next clue.

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 3 speaking into her princess phone ]

Model 3: Okay… okay… okay…

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: Richard — What’s That Bitch Talking About?

Richard Dinwiddie: I — I — I have no idea, I don’t know how anyone —

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: Awww. That’s wrong. Katherine?

Katherine Bagwell: She’s getting directions to a margarita party, to celebrate her graduation from DeVry. She’s looking forward to it, but she’s a little apprehensive because the ghostly warnings of her father, the fisherman, still echo in the back of her mind.

[ dinger ]

[ Richard is again bewildered by Katherine’s display ]

Gregory DuBois: A-mazing! Katherine, you’re going on to our solo round! Richard, thanks for playing; you’ll be going home with “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” the home edition. Thank you very much, thank you very much. [ Richard exits the set ] Katherine? [ Katherine runs forward ] Okay, Katherine, this, time, instead of asking you What’s That Bitch Talking About?, I’ll be asking you “Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?”

Katherine Bagwell: Got it, Gregory!

Gregory DuBois: Okay, get three in a row, and the canary-yellow Protege is yours. Can I get thirty seconds on the clock? Here we go.

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]

Model 1: Yeah, well, I told them, “Just take it down, or I’m never giving them my business again!”

Gregory DuBois: Who’s That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: The Queen of Sheba?

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!

Model 1: And I told her, “Go ahead, MOVE IN with him! Ruin your life and your future!”

Gregory DuBois: Who’s That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: My dad!

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!

Model 1: Ugh, I would not be caught DEAD in that dress, the color palette is DREADFUL!

Gregory DuBois: Okay, Katherine — for the canary-yellow 1993 Mazda Protege… Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: Wow, I’m gonna say… Heidi frickin’ Klum?

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: YES!! Congratulations!! You will be going home with the Protege, and ONE free gallon of gasoline! Congratulations!

[ Katherine’s relatives join her on stage ]

Gregory DuBois: Thank you very much, folks! Be sure to watch in about twenty minutes for another episode of… “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Okay, bye now!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides

Virgania Horsen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside an airport ]

Virgania Horsen: Are you sick of the airport? The long lines? Security? The danger of terrorism?

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of hot air balloon soaring over the city ]

Virgania Horsen: Why not take a ride in a… hot air balloon?

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides.

[ cut to images of hot air balloons soaring over the city ]

Virgania Horsen: You don’t have to worry about terrorists… or long lines… and it’s just you and me — up in the air!

[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen standing in a hot air balloon basket that zooms to the front of the camera ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa! [ as she looks out from above the city ] Hey! I can see my house from here! Just kidding. Why not take a ride in my balloon? I’ll cut you a deal. [ the basket zooms away from the camera ] Whee-ee-ee!!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of an airport metal detector ]

Virgania Horsen: Forget about airport security. [ looks at the image of people entering the metal detector ] See you later, suckers. I’m taking myself a hot air balloon ride.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen floating across a green-screen sky in her hot air balloon basket ]

Virgania Horsen: Oo-oo-ooh! Fresh air! Listen: I’m not one of those college types who’s gonna talk your ear off. I bought a balloon, and it doesn’t mean I think I’m better than everybody else. [ she holds a book ] Or I can just read a book. I’m not one of those people who doesn’t know how to be quiet.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front a green-screen swatting words like “Long Lines”, “Terrorist” and “Airport Security” away from her ]

[ close-up of Virgania Horsen with the word “Winner!” in front of her ]

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of hot air balloon soaring over the city ]

Virgania Horsen: So come on over, and take a ride in my hot air balloon, and I’ll take you wherever you want to go. I promise.

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in her hot air balloon basket ]

Virgania Horsen: Come ride with me!![ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Annuale

Woman…..Tina Fey
Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler
Fourth Woman…..Casey Wilson

[ open on Woman walking across the scene ]

Announcer: What if you could have your period… just once a year?

Woman: [ she smiles ] My period? Once a year?

[ cut to Second woman, shopping for shoes ]

Second Woman: Once a year? I’d like that!

Announcer: New Annuale extends the time between your period… by eleven months.

[ cut to Third Woman, exercising on a mat ]

Third Woman: How does it work?

[ cut to close-up of hands opening the multi-pack of pills ]

Announcer: Each Annuale pack has forty-four weeks of active pills, instead of the usual three, keeping you on a constant stream fo hormones so your time of the month can be just once a year.

[ cut to Fourth Woman, painting a pink circle ]

Fourth Woman: That’s all I have time for! [ she laughs ]

[ cut to Woman and Third Woman chatting ]

Woman: And, when it is time for your period… hold on to your f–kin’ hat!

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Woman on a rampage, swinging a pink axe at her co-workers ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Fourth Woman on a rampage, roughing up a pink birthday cake in her hands while at a children’s birthday party ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Third Woman on a rampage, kicking her husband in the crotch with pink shoes and pummeling him with her fists ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Second Woman on a rampage, making out with her pet dog who wears a pink collar ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Woman thrusting her pink axe into the air while screaming ]

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Annuale’s not for everyone. [ as the text scrolls over color footage of the four women screaming ] Do not take if you are using MAIO Inhibitors or if your occupatino requires you to operate heavy machinery. Do not take Annuale if you ever plan to become pregnant, as it may turn your baby into a firemonster. In the days around your period, you may develop a leathery tail. Annuale may cause you to develop a second vagina. Notify authorities in your town when your period is imminent as they may want to incarcerate you pre-emptively like a wolfman.

Third Woman: Ask your doctor if Annuale is right for you.

Woman: And if she says it is… go to a store, buy a hat, and get ready to hold the f–k on to it!

[ the four woman laugh collectively ]

Fourth Woman: [ serious ] We’re not kidding.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Annuale. Once a year. Period. [ a beat ] Oh! That’s a play on words! I just got that!

Third Woman V/O: Shut up! Ohhhhh, here it comes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 23rd, 2008

Tina Fey

Carrie Underwood

None

Amber Lee Ettinger

Steve Martin

Gov. Mike Huckabee

Don Pardo

Simon Rich
CNN Univision Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors fawn over hopeful Democratic nominee Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while barely paying attention a delusional Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Bio: Amber Lee Ettinger (1983-). Actress, model; appears as “Obama Girl” in a series of Internet videos, most notably “I Got a Crush… on Obama”.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph does not appear in this episode.

Note: Casey Wilson joins the show as a featured performer.

Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey is excited to be hosting the first show following the Writer’s Guild strike, but former TV scribe-turned-actor Steve Martin jumps onstage to offer tips on making the transition to actress.

Transcript

annualeSummary: New women’s hygeine product makes it possible for women to endure their period just once a year, albeit with dangerous side effects the remainder of the year.

Transcript

Rock of Love 2Summary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) vies for Bret Michaels’ (Jason Sudeikis) on his reality dating program.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As “A Message to Old People”, an elderly man demonstrates how he is able to place his grandsons (Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) in popular movies as a treat for their grandma.

Transcript

What’s That Bitch Talking About?Summary: Male (Bill Hader) and female (Tina Fey) game show contestants must decipher cryptic phone messages spoken by various models.

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “All-American Girl”Also Performed: 06p.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Despite the mathematical impossibility, Gov. Mike Huckabee still thinks he has a chance to beat Sen. John McCain for the Republican Party nomination. Making a return to the desk to discuss “Women’s News”, Tina Fey insists that Hillary Clinton is the best candidate for the Democratic Party nomination.

Transcript

NBCSummary: A series of promos for NBC’s exhaustive “Celebrity Apprentice” incarnations in Thursday’s prime-time line-up.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ted Allen, Mary Jo Buttafuaco, John Mark Karr, Charles Barkley, Jennifer Tilly, Gene Simmons, Lance Ito.

Transcript

Ed’s ToastSummary: A drunken Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself while toasting the groom (Will Forte) at a wedding reception.

Recurring Characters: Ed Mahoney.

Transcript

Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon RidesSummary: Trying not to rub it in anyone’s face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon.

Transcript

I Drink Your MilkshakeSummary: The Oscar-nominated film “There Will Be Blood” becomes a Food Network spin-off, as Daniel Plainview (Bill Hader) and his son H.W. (Amy Poehler) wander through a malt shop drinking other patrons’ milkshakes.

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Flat On The Floor”

Lady BusinessSummary: NBC unveils yet another “Sex and the City” copycat drama featuring an all-women cast.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Funeral ArrangementsSummary: Patriarch (Fred Armisen) discusses burial options with his family, which results in a series of financial arguments.

Family DinnerSummary: When a man (Will Forte) brings his girlfriend (Tina Fey) home for dinner, he worries that his sloppy brother (Andy Samberg) will sleep with her behind his back.

Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides IISummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) flirts with herself while riding in her hot air balloon.

Cruise ShipSummary: Two guys (Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis) meet a pair of girls (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig) from Philadelphia while on a cruise ship.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4


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07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Barbara Birmingham…..Kenan Thompson
Roger A. Trivanti…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires this week, has lost his promotion because of the event, which begs the question, “What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?”

Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed she had been accused for testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon, but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, the officials did notice the baseline was missing.

Seth Meyers: During the democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying “There’s only 3 things he mentions in a sentence: A noun, a verb, and 9/11.” Giuliani later responded, saying, “Joe Biden sucks 9/11.”

Hillary Clinton, on Thursday, visited Wellesley College and told students that “This all-womens’ college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.” Although, she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-bush.

Amy Poehler: After reaching an impasse during contract negotiations with the Alliance In Motion Pictures and Television Producers this week, the Writers Guild of America has announced their intention to go on strike this Monday. Here with some insight on the strike and it’s larger effect with the entertainment industry, is studio head Roger A. Trivanti.

[Roger A. Trivanti scoots over]

Roger A. Trivanti: Well, thank you, Amy, now allow me to begin by saying we producers consider you writers one of our most highly regarded assits, and one of our most highly rewarded! Working writers, on average, earn over two hundred thousand dollars a year. So, you can see why we have problems when you cry poverty, and go on strike.

Amy Poehler: Okay, well, how much does the average studio head make a year?

Roger A. Trivanti: Barely 12 million. More if you get fired. And, while that seems like– It seems like a lot of money, but it’s not! You know, back in the day, studio heads were given a house full of money, and when that money was gone, you got a new money house until the day you died, but DVDs on the internet have put an end to all that. You know how much it takes to make a DVD? 60 cents. You know how much we charge? 29 dollars! And the writers now want a piece of the profit. What profit?!? You know, we asked our accountants to figure out what 29 dollars minus 60 cents is, and you know what they came up with?

Amy Poehler: $28.40?

Roger A. Trivanti: Negative 13 dollars. And, I tell you, it’s even worse on the internet. You know, we just post movies and television shows for free!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but don’t you collect ad revenues from websites?

Roger A. Trivanti: Amy! How many times do I have to explain this? It’s not like saying, “Uh, does a magazine collect revenues for putting ads on a magazine? It’s, uh, it’s, uh, it’s uh… [chuckles] It’s irrelevant! You know, and no one’s making any money, Amy! No one! And, if we were, the writers would be the first ones to get a check!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, okay, I see.

Roger A. Trivanti: Do you? Do you see, Amy? Because, maybe going on strike, and not getting paid looks pretty good from the top of 200,000 dollars, but you know what? I don’t have 200,000 dollars! I wish I had 200,000 dollars, but I don’t! I only have 20 million dollars! And now, this strike is going to require some serious belt tightening on my part. I’m going to have to go from a private jet, I’m going to have to fly on first class! Like a monkey! What else? No more insulating the pool house gold bars, thank you very much! And finally, you know, my son, with a tooth, he’s only going to get a quarter, instead of a night with a hooker.

[As audience gives a groan of laughter and suprise, Roger gives them a surprised confused look right back at them]

Roger A. Trivanti: I’m going to say something, and I mean this. I hope you writers get ass cancer and die!

Amy Poehler: Wow! Roger A. Trivanti, everyone! Roger A. Trivanti! That’s what we have to deal with! Yup, that’s right.

Seth Meyers: Singapore Airlines, the first operating of the new Air bus 380, has asked its passengers on the world’s biggest jumbo jet to refrain from sex in one of its 12 first-class suites which have double beds. Said the passengers, “No.”

J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, revealed last week that the Hogwarts headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is gay. What’s worse? He has hogwarts.

Amy Poehler: Applebee’s shareholders have voted to approve the new one billion dollar budget purchase of IHop restaurants. The deal was celebrated at neither an Applebee’s nor an IHop.

A Seattle federal grand jury is instigating allegations by a model, saying that she was raped, assaulted, and threatened by magician David Copperfield at his private island in the Bahamas. When asked for comment, Copperfield said, “Yes, I raped her. Yes, I assaulted her. Yes, I threatened her. But, more importantly, is this your card?” [Amy holds up a poker card]

Seth Meyers: Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday, he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent. He’d be a perfect fit for teams to burn, but hate winning.

A woman in Minnesota wants to file abuse charges against a friend who was pet sitting her pot-belly pig, and allowed the animal to get fat. I’m no legal expert, but here’s how the case will go, “What kind of pig? Case dismissed!”

Amy Poehler: The Missouri highway patrol has been testing a new scanning device that can detect the presence of meth with only the click of a button. It’s called a flashlight.

Author, Aubrey De Grey, has published a new book, called “Ending Aging”, in which he feels means aging is a disease that can one day be cured. Now, before you dismiss this guy as a nut job, this is De Grey.

[a picture of a baby smoking a pipe pops up. Amy kisses it]

Seth Meyers: It was reported that because of the success of the Disney cartoon, “Ratatouille”, the demand for rats as pets has soared. This according to one guy on Avenue Lane, who tried to sell me a rat.

It appears that Ashley Olsen has become romantically involved with Lance Armstrong. They have even been seen riding around the city on a bike built for one and a quarter.

Amy Poehler: Halloween was this past Wednesday. Here now with a commentary on this year’s festivities, is our favorite Update nanny, Barbara Birmingham.

Barbara Birmingham: Mhm. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s right. Wooh! Amy. The… other one. Halloween is a chance for thousands of kids to dress up in something fun! Unfortunately, the most popular costume for young ladies was apparently that of a whore. It ain’t Little Bo Peep. It’s Little Ho Creep down at 5th Avenue. The other night, a girl came by my house dressed as a nurse with her blussums exposed. I told her, “Don’t you be defaming nurses! Nurses are heroes! I had one of them take good care of me, when my sugarbetes flaired up. And you know, if it wasn’t for nurses, Barbara Birmingham might only have one foot!

[Puts cigarette in her mouth, then takes a dramatic pause, and then puffs the smoke out of her nose]

Barbara Birmingham: Now, uh, freedom of expression is one thing, but kids are pushing it too far. You don’t know how lucky you are! Why, when I was growing up, the only costumes we had was milkmen, and slaves!

Seth Meyers: I don’t think that’s a costume.

[Barbara Birmingham jumps up on the Weekend Update desk, going after Seth]

Barbara Birmingham: Hey! What the hell!

[Barbara Birmingham slowly returns to her seat]

Barbara Birmingham: You don’t know me like that, Meyers… You don’t know me like that.

Amy Poehler: Alright, Barbara. Calm down. Calm down.

Barbara Birmingham: Continuing! Here is an example of kids that I see today!

[Barbara picks up a Barbie doll]

Barbara Birmingham: Mm.. Mm.. Mm.. It’s a shame. Listen to me baby, if you keep this up, nothing is going to end up in that little candy bag, except for problems and last night’s panties! [Has Barbie turn to the camera, as she sings the tune of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”] “It’s time for you to go to rehab, ‘cuz you’re a ho, ho, ho.” Now, parents, if you want more advice on raising your children the right way, buy my book, “Daddy’s Little Whore: A Damn Shame” by Barbara Birmingham. It’s available only at Gimbels.

Seth Meyers: Um, Gimbels closed in 1997.

[Barbara jumps on the Update desk, once more]

Barbara Birmingham: What?!? I’m going to get you!

[Barbara gets back off]

Barbara Birmingham: Give it to me!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Barbara Birmingham, everyone! Are you alright? Whoa. But, she’s great with kids… she’s great with kids.

Seth Meyers: [breaking off cue cards] She actually got my tie. Barbara Birmingham is… WAY faster than she looks! [tries fixing his tie] She undid the top button!

Amy Poehler: Let me see. [She slants the tie loose and to the left]

Seth Meyers: Alright, there we go. [does a drunken voice] Good evening. [Follows back on cue cards]

A hunter in Iowa is recovering after he was shot at close range by his dog. One witness says he’s never heard a dog laugh so hard.

British grandmother, Peggy Mcalpine, celebrated her hundredth birthday, this week, by becoming the world’s oldest paraglider. Though, she would have preferred to have done it voluntarily.

[News photo reveals Peggy being thrown out the plane by men, as Seth laughs in shame]

Amy Poehler: To help produce the number of pigeons in the Staten Island fairy terminal, the councilman is proposing feeding the birds birth control pills. This after having no luck with the abstinence pamphlets.

An 84-foot Norway spruce from Shelton, Connecticut, has been selected to be this year’s Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree/bum urinal.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Goodnight!

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Nightly News Theme

Female Executive…..Amy Poehler
…..Brian Williams
Male Executive 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Executive 2…..Bill Hader
Dunham…..Will Forte
Farina…..Maya Rudolph
Musician…..Andy Samberg
Larry…..Fred Armisen
Janet…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]

[ dissolve to interior, NBC News Headquarters ]

Female Executive: Brian, the numbers are consistent — we just haven’t been able to make any headway with the younger demographic.

Brian Williams: I think that’s our whole problem — the kids are getting their news off the Internet and these… [ says it with mild disgust ] podcasts.

Male Executive 1: I so TOTALLY agree!

Male Executive 2: We should get Mo Rocca to do a nightly Blog report!

Male Executive 1: No, that’s — [ looks toward Brian ]

Brian Williams: Stupid.

Male Executive 1: SO stupid!!

Female Executive: Well, what about the open?

Brian Williams: Well, I’m so glad you asked. That’s where we need to be fresh and new. I’ve hired Dunham & Kirk to come up with something new for us.

Male Executive 2: The Dunham & Kirk?

Brian Williams: Uh, well — yes. [ presses intercom button ] Mrs. Dunham… can you send in Dunham & Kirk?

[ a pack of studio musicians enter the boardroom and congregate at the head of the table ]

Brian Williams: Well, you’re the — you’re the magic makers, they tell me. Why don’t you show me what you’ve got.

Dunham: Great! You are not gonna believe the juicy tracks we’ve jammed out for this gig! Now, uh — here’s your news theme now: [ to the tune of the NBC Nightly News theme ] “Bore — bore — boring! Boring, boring, boring!” Okay, and now… here’s your news theme with a funky twist. Hit it, Farina!

Farina: [ as the studio musicians jam ]
“It’s a low-down, dir-tee cit-tay!
Gettin’ down to the nit-ty grit-tay!
Baby, though you’re no good at this may-lay [ ?? ]
You got no corn-bread and candy jel-lay [ ?? ]
[ ??? ]
[ ??? ]
Nightly News!”

Brian Williams: That was — that was awfully urban. Do you have anything else?

Musician: Yeah. Check this out!
[ sings variant of “Frasier” ]
“Baby, I hear the blues a-callin’
Tosses salad and scrambled eggs.
Night-ly Newwwwwwws, oh my!”

Brian Williams: [ beside himself ] That’s clearly the theme from “Frasier”.

Musician: [ smirks ] Bust-ed!

Brian Williams: I — I need something young, yes — but — but dignified.

Dunham: Dignified? We got dignified comin’ out our ass! Larry, show ’em what we got in the Dignified Department! Hardcore rap!

Larry: Yeah, check it out. [ raps ]
“Brian Williams takin’ up the ho-mie!
Pumpin’ cherries like a horny bunny!
Smokin’ blunts and drinkin’ all the forties!
And now we’ll make some mo-nay!”

Male Executive 2: Ooh-ooh! I like that!

Female Executive: No. Really, really stupid.

Dunham: Uh, we know that… and that’s why we came up with this. Janet?

Janet: Oh, you’re gonna love this. [ in a mellow tone ]
“Kittycats, old-fashioned spats.
A ball of yarn and happy chats.
A la-a-a-a-a-and of color… and yooooooouuuu.”

Brian Williams: You know what? We’re — we’re — we’re flailing. Enough of that. What happened to the idea I sent you for an opening segment?

Dunham: [ confused ] We didn’t see any idea from you.

Male Executive 2: I thought we all agreed your idea wasn’t… that… good?

Female Executive: Yeah, we didn’t think we would really go with that. [ to Dunham & Kirk ] What else do you guys have?

Brian Williams: It may be easy for you, but, at the end of the day, it’s my name on the masthead —

Male Executive 1: It’s HIS name.

Brian Williams: And I put myself OUT THERE every evening to this nation, and I’d like to go with my idea, and that’s it.

Male Executive: I — I think it’s a GREAT idea! It’s a super genius idea, sir!

[ dissolve to the opening of “NBC Nightly News” ]

Brian Williams: On the broadcast tonight, the War in Iraq. Will is spill over into Iran? As winter approaches, how much will we all be paying to heat our homes this year? And the new numbers out from the Fed — are we heading into a recession? “Nightly News” begins now.

[ cut to James Bond-style graphics of Brian Williams in dark silhoette attacking his enemies with the news, as girls sing and dance around a tuxedo-clad Brian Williams amid action sequences ]

Theme:
“Watch out, World, ’cause here comes The Williams!
Look out, World, ’cause here comes The Williams!
Watch out, Bad Guys, ’cause here comes The Williams!
Kickin’ and a-punchin’, that’s Brian Williams!
Night! Ly! News!
Brian Williams!”

[ cut to Brian Williams behind his newsdesk ]

Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams, and that’s how I roll.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

An SNL Digital Short

…..Brian Williams
…..Al Roker
…..Matt Lauer
…..Bono

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

Director’s Voice: In 3.. 2..

[ dissolve to Brian Williams standing in the NBC News studio ]

Brian Williams: Hi, I’m Brian Williams of “NBC Nightly News.” A lot of people ask me, quite often, what it’s like to be a network evening news anchor. So I agreed to let a camera crew follow me through an average day here at work. Take a look.

[ dissolve to exterior, NBC Studios of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Brian Williams V/O: The first thing I like to do each morning when I get to NBC’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza Headquarters.. is stand outside the building, and wait for somebody to recognize me.

Passerby: Hey! Stone Phillips!

Brian Williams: [ satisfied ] Hey, hey, hey!

Brian Williams V/O: Close enough.

[ cut to Brian Williams entering NBC’s fitness center ]

Brian Williams V/O: Then.. it’s straight to the fitness center, for my daily fitness regime.

[ reveal Brian Williams reading a newspaper while standing on treadmill in roller skates ]

Brian Williams V/O: Oh, boy.. I’m gonna feel that workout tomorrow.

[ cut to footage of NBC employees eating in the cafeteria ]

Brian Williams V/O: I always try to take my meals in the NBC cafeteria. I feel it connects me with my fellow workers — the common man.

[ reveal Brian Williams sitting at table by himself. The table is roped off and guarded by a personal bodyguard ]

[ cut to Brian Williams making a phone call in his office ]

Brian Williams V/O: Afterwards, it’s time to head in to the office. The first thing I do is pick a phone and call a special someone, who means the world to me.

Brian Williams: [ into phone ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you. [ he hangs up ]

[ cut to various images of Brian Williams hard at work, then cut to him opening the window in his office ]

Brian Williams V/O: So much of what we do in the news business is serious. Sometimes I find it’s healthy to take a break and have a little fun.

Brian Williams: [ grabs a fistful of pennies and looks down below ] Ah, the morning duo!

[ down below, Al Roker and Matt Lauer are delivering a piece on “The Today Show”, when they are suddenly pelted by the hailing pennies ]

Al Roker: What is that?!

Matt Lauer: [ looking up ] What kind of asshole throws pennies from a window?

[ back upstairs, Brian Williams smiles as he ducks back inot his office and shuts the window ]

[ cut to Brian Williams watching video in the dark ]

Brian Williams V/O: As a part of my daily ritual, I like to find time to watch footage of my favorite news anchor of all time.

[ reveal that Brian Williams is watching footage of himself ]

Brian Williams: [ watching, he smiles] The Master at work!

[ dissolve to Brian Williams in a meditation position on the floor of his office ]

Brian Williams V/O: I also like to calm my nerves, by practicing the ancient art of meditation.

[ the image of Bono appears above Brian Williams’ shoulder ]

Bono: Oh, yeah.. lookin’ good, Brian! You’re WAY cooler than me. I’d do ANYTHING to be you.

[ Brian Williams glances up at Bono’s image and smiles ]

Brian Williams: Thanks, Bono!

[ dissolve to footage of Brian Williams entering the NBC News studio ]

Brian Williams V/O: Then it’s time for the big show.. and I make my way into the studio, take my seat, and share the news with America.

Brian Williams: [ live ] Good evening. The Stock Market suffered a big fall today —

Brian Williams V/O: And that’s my day — a job well done. When it’s all over, I pack up my stuff, check my voice mail one last time, and head on home.

[ in the hallway, Brian Williams holds his cell phone up to his ear ]

Voice Mail Recording: First new voice message:

Brian Williams: [ pre-recorded voice message ] Hey, you! I know you had a tough day, but.. you got through it, because you’re the best there is. You’re a winner.. and I love you.

Brian Williams: [ smiles ] I love you, too.

[ Brian Williams hangs up his cell phone and heads home ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Riley’s Way

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Marker…..Bill Hader
Male Student 1…..Andy Samberg
Female Student…..Amy Poehler
Male Student 2…..Kenan Thompson
Principal…..Brian Williams

[ open on exterior, Stage 15 ]

[ dissolve to playground set, where an actress and two actors playing high school students dressed in graduation garb sit on the swings ]

[ the Director steps onto the set ]

Director: Okay, everyone, uh — well, this is the last shot of our very last episode of “Riley’s Way”. And, uh — I — I — I just want to say, it’s been a pleasure working with each and every one of you on what, for my money, is the BEST high school drama in the history of the CW. [ the three actors are touched ] Alright? That’s from here. [ he thumps his chest ] Alright, so here we go. [ he runs off the set ]

Marker: “Riley’s Way”, Scene 42, take One.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.

Male Student 2: I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning.

[ the actor who plays the Principal saunters onto the set and leans against the swingset with a come-to hither ]

Female Student: Principal Jeffries? Any advice for the future?

Principal: Yes. Live. [ the students laugh as he wraps his arms around them ] Class dismissed, guys.

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Alright, let’s cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut! That was great, guys. There was, uh, a small technical problem, so we’re gonna have to do that again.

Male Student 2: Aw, man, that was a good take!

Director: I’m sorry.

Male Student 1: Yeah, yeah — that’s WHACK!

Principal: Yeah, that was WHACK! But you know what’s NOT gonna be whack? RAP PARTY! [ he chuckles ] I just hope for myself, I don’t get all emotional. I remember the rap party when we did “Quantum Leap”. I, uh — I cried like a baby. I told you guys I did “Leap”, right?

Female Student: Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.

Principal: But, uh — I’m gonna miss working with you guys, but we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havestun[?] next week — bumper boats, anybody?

Male Student 2: [ grits his teeth ] Uh, I don’t think we can. I mean, we start shooting the spin-off next week.

Principal: Awesome! No way! Spin-off! That’s — that’s GOOD whack! Uh, I wonder, though, why my agent, uh, didn’t tell me? I didn’t get a call.

Female Student: Oh, uh… it’s — it’s called “Riley’s Way: The College Years”.

Principal: What’s… my role gonna be? Does he — I don’t know — move in with the kids in school, or open up a… pizza parlor in town?

Male Student 1: Yeah, I don’t think you’re in it!

Principal: [ stunned ] What?

Male Student 1: You’re NOT in the spin-off.

Principal: [ stunned ] Okay! Well, then… [ he slinks off the set ]

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Okay, we’re all ready on the set? Let’s do it! [ he steps off again ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Two.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ looks over her shoulder ] Principal Jeffries?

Principal: [ fuming ] What do you want?

[ the students are stunned by this sudden outburst ]

Female Student: Uhhh — any advice for the future?

Principal: Yeah, you know what? [ to the students, one at a time ] You can go to Hell — you can lose ten pounds — and you’re gay!

Male Student 1: What?!

Director: Cut! Cut! Uh — Barry! Barry, come here, man — let’s have a little chat here. [ the actor steps forward ] Uh — so, Barry — Barry, what’s with you?

Principal: What’s with you, Paul? I just heard about the little spin-off project.

Director: Okay. Now — now, I’m sorry you had to fidn out about it this way, Barry, but, you know, it’s just how the business works! [ he smiles ]

Principal: Let’s not talk to me about the business, Paul. I was in “Quantum Leap”. Scott Bakula?

Director: I know.

Principal: Yeah!

Director: I know. Look, Barry —

Principal: After ALL I have done for this show… I — I am on this set every day, whether I have a scene or not… I’m running my lines, I’m running their lines — writing lines —

Director: Yeah, Barry, we specifically asked you not to do any of those things.

Principal: Well, I’m specifically asking you — right now — not to be such a BONE! Put me in the spin-off, please.

Director: Okay, now why — why would the high school principal go to college with them? Okay, look, look, look, look — you’re a GREAT actor. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. You did “Leap”. Yuo did “Leap”! I mean — [ he chuckles ] Now. can we please just get this last shot?

Principal: Alright.

Director: Good! Thank you. [ the Principal exits off the set ] Alright, let’s go! Places! [ he steps aside ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Three.

Director’s Voice: Annnnnd… ACTION!!

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] Man! I still cannot believe it’s the end.

Principal: [ stepping forward ] And I can’t believe I didn’t get my college degree! [ he laughs, revealing a cap turned sideways across his head ] Back to school soon for old Principal Jeffries! I’ll check you fools on the quad! [ stesp aside ] Okay! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

Director: Barry, Barry, come in here, please!

Principal: I think we NAILED that one!

Director: No, hey, Barry! Come in here, now! Let’s go! [ the Principal steps forward ] Okay, now, Barry — take off the hat, man! [ the Principal removes his cap ] Okay, now, look — we’re all sorry you’re not in the spin-off. But that’s just how it works!

Principal: Fine! I mean, I — I — I get it. Principal Jeffries was… never the most popular character. Maybe he was just a man.

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up all of a sudden ]

Director: Hey, Keith, can we kill the music? [ the music turns off ] I’m sorry, Barry, keep going, I couldn’t hear you.

Principal: Well, let me tell you about another man. His name was me. And he was — he was on “Quantum Leap”. Twice, in the same episode. I wish all of you here good luck, and may… your next leap be the leap home. Class dismissed.

[ the director and actors applaud ]

Director: Hey, can we get a writer in here? I, uh — I think Principal Jeffries deserves a new ending.

[ dissolve to exterior, Stage 15 ]

[ “Umbrella” by Rihanna pots up ]

[ dissolve to playground set ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It’s a funny word. I never thought I’d be saying it.

Male Student 2: [ sighs ] I still can’t believe it’s the end.

Female Student: It’s not, Spence. It’s the beginning. [ she looks up, as the Marker enters the scene ] Hey! It’s that guy that killed Principal Jeffries!

Marker: [ smiling ] Class dismissed!

All: [ as they hug ] Yaaayyyy!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Publishers Clearing House

Cheryl Ryan….Kristen Wiig
Carl Bacon….Brian Williams
Pizza delivery guy….Fred Armisen
Jenna Clark….Maya Rudolph
Tommy Gelp….Will Forte
Connie McGee….Amy Poehler

[Opens with overexcited gal with bushy blond hairholding a bunch of colored balloons in one hand, mic on the other]

Cheryl Ryan: Hi, everybody! I am Cheryl Ryan andyou’re watching the Annual Publishers Clearing Housegrand prize giveaway special! Oh, this is the biggestprize to date!! 15 million dollars to this year’slucky winner on live television right now!! Come on! Ilove this shows![gives balloons to someone off camera,runs up the steps on a porch, knocks on door]Oh, God.Here we go.[Man eating an apple opens the door]

Carl Bacon: Hello.

Cheryl Ryan: Hi, I am looking for Mr. Carl Bacon.

Carl Bacon: I’m Carl.

Cheryl Ryan: Well Carl, you have just won the 15million dollars grand prize from Publishers Clearing House!! Congratulations!!

[Confetti and colored paper ribbons float around. Carl is like nothing happened]

Carl Bacon:[barely audible] Cool.

Cheryl Ryan: Yeah, well I would say that’s very cool,yes!! $15 million dollars!! You won!! Yeah!!![noreaction from Carl]Why don’t you tell America how does it feel?!

Carl Bacon:[bites apple]It feels great.

Cheryl Ryan: Oh, yeah!! We’re on television right now!We’re on live TV! Oh, did we come at a bad time?

Carl Bacon: No, I work from inside the house.

Cheryl Ryan: I think your working days are over, sir!!$15 million dollars!! Whoooo!, Ye-e-eah!!Ye-e-e-e-eah![to someone off camera for confetti]Do itagain. Oh, we don’t have anymore? Yeah, bring me thecheck, bring me the check.[big ass check for $15million with Carl’s name on it. Cheryl holds it upwith calm as hell Carl]Look, there’s your name andyou’ve won!! Carl Bacon! Yeah, who-o-o-o!!! Thank you,thank you, ok, all right, well listen why don’t youtell us what exciting things you’re gonna do with all that money?!

Carl Bacon: Uh, I…nothing comes….

Cheryl Ryan: Whoooo!!! Lots to think about cause youcan buy just about anything!![Carl just nods]Traveling?! You can buy cars! I know there must besomething you wanna do with all that money!

Carl Bacon:[no emotion]I just this second found out Iwon so I’ll just need time to think about it.

Chery Ryan: Who-o-o-o!!!! Mr. Bacon you are—you arekilling me. You are one cool cucumber. We’re ontv–[growl from a dry throat] so let’s everyone [drygrowl] whoa, what is that? Can I–can I get a littlebit of water? [someone off camera gives her a glass ofwater, she drinks some]Ok, sorry. They gave thisinterview, cause its the biggest prize winnerever….[listen on her earpiece]Ok, yes, yes. Thankyou, yeah, ok, right now we are going to show you andall of you at home some of the other winner’s fromyear’s past and Carl, watch their reactions cause theydo it right, yeah![nothing from Carl]

[Cut to lady in a nightgown and glasses shaking allover with the big ass check on her hands]

Caption: Jenna Clark. 2004 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

Jenna Clark: Oh, my God!, oh, my God! I won!! Oh,Lord!! I won!!

[Cut to a guy screaming like a madman, jumps up anddown holding the big ass check]

Caption: Tommy Gelp. 2005 Publishers Clearing HouseWinner.

Tommy Gelp: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Cut to a young blond breaking through her screen doorlike possessed. Yanks potted plant out by its root,continues running off camera]

Caption: Connie McGee. 2006 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

Connie McGee: Arrrrgh!!!!! Aaaaahhh!!!

[Cut backs to Carl and Cheryl on Carl’s porch]

Caption:Carl Bacon. 2007 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

[Cheryl looks for joy in Carl. Nothing.]

Chery Ryan: And now you!!! oh, look, o-o-o-oh! thatwas….yeeeah….its so exciting, isn’t it amazing, Carl?

Carl Bacon:[barely audible]Yes, it was.

Chery Ryan: Well, ok. Its good that you won. Well,things are getting very exciting around here. We…

[A pizza delivery guy approaches the porch holding apizza and a little cheesy bread box on top]

Pizza delivery guy: Did you order a pizza?

Carl Bacon: What’s this?

Pizza delivery guy: Cheesy bread comes with every large pizza this month.

Carl Bacon: I didn’t order this.

Pizza delivery guy: Well, it’s free.[gives the pizzaand cheesy bread to Carl and leaves]

Carl Bacon: Free ch–, free cheesy bread?[Joyous beyondbelief] Wow!! I could never get free cheesy bread!!Debbie! We got free cheesy bread!![goes into thehouse, slams door shut]

[Cheryl gets whatever joy she can from it]

Cheryl Ryan: Well, there you have it! CongratulationsCarl! It is so exci—, bring in the balloons![getsthe balloons] Its still so exciting! We’re–oh,yes…[dry throat growl, Cheryl passes out, falls down]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts