Brian Williams’ Monologue Written by: Seth Meyers, Colin Jost
…..Brian Williams
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Brian Williams!
Brian Williams: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, it is such a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” I would like to point out that, at this very moment, we all — all of us — have something in common: each one of us is thinking, myself included, “Now, is this really a good idea?” Should I be hosting this show? And I’d like to take a moment, right now, to address that.
You know, when I agreed to host “SNL”, I believed I was following in this long tradition of newsmen who have appeared on this show. Icons, heroes of mine. Like Walter Cronkite.. Ted Koppel.. Peter Jennings. It wasn’t until rehearsal this morning that I was told that those were not the actual newsmen, but cast members doing impressions of them. The newscasters never risked their own careers or reputations by coming — I was nervous upon hearing the news. Dare, I say, panicky. So I called my good friend and mentor, Tom Brokaw, to see what I should do. In a couple of weeks from now, when he returns the message, and we go through that awkward dance of me explaining to him just who I am, and I — I expect he’ll say, if it’s not too late, “Get out of there, quickly.”
So why am I still here? Well, maybe I’ve — I’ve earned the right to have some fun. I’ve — I’ve been shot at while covering our troops in Iraq.. I’ve moderated the Democratic debate just this past Tuesday night.. when there’s a fire or a flood, I am there. And, yet, I know my own negatives. I’ve seen the internal NBC research, I’ve read the viewer mail, I know I’m often seen.. as a stiff. A guy who is always in anchorman-mode. But.. tonight..
[ he lowers his head, then raises it on a close-up with a news insert that reads: “That All Changes” ]
Tonight, that all changes. You’re going to see a whole new Brian Williams. Because, here tonight, I’m going to: [ the words appear on the insert ] relax.. have fun.. be spontaneous.. and, most important, stay loose. [ he lowers his head, and the insert disappears ] I’m sorry about that. It’s gonna happen from time to time. I don’t know when it’s coming on — it’s an anchorman thing. The point is, we’re going to have some fun, and I promise to read my jokes in the.. very same fashion I’ve been reading the news for these past few years.
We have a great show. And, when we come back: Are the pharmaceutical companies telling the truth about teenage drug abuse? Feist is here, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Phil….Fred Armisen Phil’s wife….Amy Poehler Phil’s Friends….Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte
[Opens with a group of friends watching a football game on HDTV. They cheer]
Jason: Where’s the beer?
Andy: Phil’s bringing it.
[Knocks on door. Jason opens the door and Phil isthere with the beer and on his face he wears red-hotlipstick, eye shadow, mascara, blush]
Phil: Somebody said beer. [gives beer to Jason, goes inside]
Jason: [confused]God, what’s going on with your face?
Phil: I don’t know. Maybe I look a little more well-rested.
Andy: No. It looks like you have women’s make-up on.
Will: Yeah, I’d say women’s make-up.
Phil: No, I don’t. I’m wearing makeup for men.[holdsup the box] It’s men’s makeup. For men’s only. If itwasn’t man’s makeup, why do they say it on the box?[his pals check out the box]Maybelline for men. Itswritten on the box.
[Phil’s friends are all getting dolled up in front of their mirrors]
Will: Are you sure this is for men?
Jason: 100% Look on the box.
[On the box it reads “Maybelline. For men only. Not noticeable”]
Announcer: Maybelline for men.
Jason: And it’s not noticeable.
Announcer: Guys need to look good too.
[Phil is gets his lashes done. Walks in on his wife who is getting ready for a night out]
Phil: Ready to go honey.
Phil’s wife: Are you wearing makeup?
Phil: [kind of tired of explaining] I’m wearing makeupfor men. It’s not noticeable. It says so on the box. Let’s go.
[ Holds up the box, wife is convinced]
Phil’s friends: Maybelline for men only!!
Jingle: Maybe it’s Maybelline!
[Phil wearing a leather jacket, helmet and makeup hopson a motorcycle, engine revs]
iPhone II Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.
[ jump cut ]
I’ve been my own boss for about… [ thinking ] four years now.
[ jump cut ]
I also love to punch cops.
[ jump cut ]
I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ]
[ jump cut ]
The way it usually goes is: I’ll see a cop… punch him… uh… then I run like hell!
[ jump cut ]
You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.
[ jump cut ]
But with the iPhone, it’s super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar… hide in a stall in the ladies’ room — usually, because they never check there —
[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]
Then I just bring up Google Maps — you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic —
[ jump cut ]
I can even watch my “pig-punch” videos on Youtube… which is awesome.
[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]
With the iPod feature, I’ve got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I’m coming down from my meth high.
[ jump cut ]
Guess I just want to say… Thanks, iPhone!
[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]
Man V/O: It’s the only thing that keeps me sane these days.
[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]
Man: I’m having a Date Night with my wife. We’re at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.
[ jump cut ]
I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It’s a text from this woman I’ve been seeing on the side.
[ jump cut ]
She’s beyond hot. She’s — [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She’s French-Canadian.
[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen ]
But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her Boyd Tinsley — he’s the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.
[ jump cut ]
She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that — I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful!
[ jump cut ]
With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It’s like she was never there.
[ jump cut ]
She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body — ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn’t pregnant!
[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]
John Edwards…..Will Forte Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Bill Richardson…..Horatio Sanz Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis Chris Dodd…..Bill Hader Mike Gravel…..Fred Armisen …..Barack Obama
[ open on exterior, Clinton House ]
[ SUPER: “Clinton House – Chappaqua, New York” ]
[ SUPER: “Halloween 2007” ]
John Edwards V/O: Hillary, thank you so much for throwing this Halloween party.
[ dissolve to interior, Halloween party. Hillary Clinton, dressed as a bride, stands at the punch table with John Edwards, dressed as a hobo. ]
Hillary Clinton: [ giggles ] John Edwards.. I’m so glad you came. I just thought it would be good for all us Democrats to get together after Tuesday’s debate. [ she laughs with uncontrollable glee ]
John Edwards: I agree.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, because, even though things can get heated, come next November, we all haev to support the Democratic nominee — no matter who she may be.
John Edwards: And, may I just say, that is a great witch costume.c[ taken aback ] I’m actually a bride.
John Edwards: Oh, okay! Now I see it! All in how you wear it, I guess.
[ Bill Clinton steps in, dressed as Mystery ]
Bill Clinton: John Edwards, you’d better not be using “The Game” on my wife!
John Edwards: Lookin’ good, Bill! Lookin’ good.
Hillary Clinton: I am sorry, John, could I have a word with my husband?
[ John obliges and steps away ]
Hillary Clinton: Bill? I thought we agreed to dress like bride and groom?
Bill Clinton: Aw, man! Everyone knows we’re married!
Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Who are you even supposed to be?
Bill Clinton: I’m Mystery, from that show “The Pick-Up Artist.”
Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] Bill Clinton, how is that approporiate?
Bill Clinton: Oh, it’s just a party! Have fun, alright? [ looks off to the side ] Hey, look! If it isn’t Bill Richardson!
Hillary Clinton: Oh.. well.
[ Bill Richardson joins the Clintons at the punch bowl ]
Bill Richardson: Hillary. Bill.
Bill Clinton: Who are you supposed to be, Bill?
Bill Richardson: [ deepens his voice ] I’m Al Gore! [ laughs ] I’ve got the Nobel Prize.. this Oscar..
Hillary Clinton: That’s great, Bill!
Bill Richardson: Yeah! [ chuckles ] I know! Me, dressed as Vice-President. [ laughs ] It’s we-eird! Not that weird, though, right? [ laughs ]
Hillary Clinton: You look great.
Bill Richardson: Yeah. So, hey, uh — can I help out at all?
Hillary Clinton: Actually, we could use some ice.
Bill Richardson: I’m on it! [ he runs off ]
Hillary Clinton: Okay.
Bill Clinton: That man really does want to be your Vice-President.
Hillary Clinton: How come every time someone says something nice to me, you say it’s because they want me to be — they want to be my Vice-President? People are nice to you all the time, do they want to be your Vice-President?
Bill Clinton: People like me.
Hillary Clinton: Bill!
Bill Clinton: [ looks offscreen ] Joe Biden and Chris Dodd!
[ Joe Biden and Chris Dodd enter dressed as twin Spongebob Squarepants’ ]
Joe Biden: Hello!
Chris Dodd: Hello. Thanks for having us.
Bill Richardson: Why weren’t you guys at the debate?
Joe Biden: We were — no, we were.
Chris Dodd: Down at the end.
Hillary Clinton: Oh! [ laughs ] Of course, of course! I’m sorry!
Bill Clinton: So, uh — you guys both dressed like Spongebob?
Joe Biden: Yeah, it’s funny. Can’t thinking if there were only one of us, this costume would make a bigger impression.
Chris Dodd: Yeah, we — really cancel each other out.
[ they stare at one another, without a word to be said ]
Joe Biden: Well, thanks for having us. Great Mystery costume, Bill.
Chris Dodd: [ to Hillary ] And you make a very scary witch. [ he walks away ]
Brian Williams: I want to thank my family for getting me here.. NBC for letting me do it. My thanks to Feist, to Senator Obama, and Horatio Sanz. Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 3rd, 2007 Brian Williams Feist None Horatio Sanz Barack Obama Al Roker Matt Lauer Bono Halloween PartySummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) throws a Halloween costume party for her fellow contenders for the Democratic nomination, including Barack Obama who comes disguised as himself. Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich. Bio: Barack Obama (1961-). Junior Senator from Illinois since 2005. Transcript
Montage
Brian Williams’ MonologueSummary: Brian Williams wonders briefly if hosting “SNL” will mar his reputation as a serious news anchor, but decides that all preconceptions will change after tonight. Bio: Brian Williams (1959-). News anchor; succeeded Tom Brokaw as anchor of “NBC Nightly News” in 2004. Cameos: 05l, 06a. Transcript
Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box. Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes. Transcript
Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a slow-witted fireman (Brian Williams). Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz. Note: Brian Williams spent three years during high school as a volunteer firefighter for the Middletown Township Fire Department in New Jersey.
Riley’s WaySummary: During the taping of the final episode of CW’s high school drama, “Riley’s Way”, the actor who plays the principal (Brian Williams) is angered that he hasn’t been invited to appear on the college spin-off series. Transcript
Publishers Clearing HouseSummary: The winner (Brian Williams) of Publishers Clearing House’s $15 million prize is less-than-enthused about his sudden financial windfall. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “A Day in the Life of Brian Williams” reveals the anchorman standing on the street waiting to be recognized, throwing pennies down at Al Roker and Matt Lauer, and delivering the Nightly News. Transcript
Feist performs “1234”Bio: Feist (1976-). Canadian singer-songwriter; full name: Leslie Feist.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: NBC executive Roger A. Trivanti (Fred Armisen) comments on the impending Writer’s Guild strike. Weekend Update nanny Barbara Birmingham (Kenan Thompson) comments on the past week’s Halloween festivities. Recurring Characters: Barbara Birmingham. Transcript
Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews author J.K. Rowling (Amy Poehler), and views deleted scenes from the “Harry Potter” film series highlighting Dumbaldore’s (Bill Hader) homosexuality. Recurring Characters: Larry King.
iPhoneSummary: A man (Fred Armisen) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with having a secret mistress. Transcript
Democratic Nominees BackstageSummary: Prior to the Democratic Debate at Drexel University, Brian Williams tells the nominees that the media is set on Hillary clinton securing her party’s ticket. Left to themselves, the other nominees struggle to find a way to discredit Hillary’s chances. Recurring Characters: John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.
Feist performs “I Feel It All”
Nightly News ThemeSummary: Brian Williams and NBC News executives seek the help of studio group musicians Dunham & Kirk to create a theme song for the Nightly News that will attract a younger demographic. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Willie & JulioSummary: Willie Nelson (Will Forte) and Julio Iglesias (Brian Williams) are truck drivers singing along the road. Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, Julio Iglesius.
Mr. ProduceSummary: Mr. Produce (Brian Williams) gives his son (Andy Samberg) a stern talking to for not taking good care of the vegetables while he was making a guest appearance on “Ellen”.
Trick or TreatSummary: A child sex offender (Will Forte) goes trick-or-treating at Brian Williams’ house.
A Message from Dennis KucinichSummary: Dennis Kucinich (Amy Poehler) comments on how his popularity is always considerably higher whenever he’s in the presence of his wife (Kristen Wiig). Recurring Characters: Dennis Kucinich.
iPhone IISummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with punching cops in the street. Transcript
Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.
[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]
[Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit,ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]
Vinny Vedecci: He, he, he. E noche, conocendo emusicale, carabantore, americano italiano, bicio ecaranbandes! Jon Bon Jovi, hey!
[Bon Jovi shakes hands with Vinny, sits]
Jon Bon Jovi: Nice to meet you. Thank you.
Vinny Vedecci:[laughs]Jon Bon Jovi. Pio so contero,caravanto, carando a sara pondo musicale. Proto popasera acopando. Pisienti?
[Jon is clearly lost and confused]
Jon Bon Jovi: I’m sorry. Was there going to be atranslator here?
Vinny Vedecci:[Vinny laughs at the question]Notranslator. You are Bon Jovi.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, yes but I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian.
Vinny Vedecci: But you are Bon Jovi.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, but I was born in America.
Vinny Vedecci: No italiano?[Vinny is mad as hell.Turns to his director]Bisiano, carabin, decanto!
[Show’s director has big mustache, glasses and smokesand eats at the same time a plate of spaghetti, hisassistant just eats his spaghetti]
Show’s Director: Vincenzo! [drops fork on his plate]
Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si.[slowly]Where in theAmericas are you from, Bon Jovi?
Jon Bon Jovi: I’m from a place called New Jersey.
Vinny Vedecci: Ah, New Jersey! Yes, Sopranos, eh! Bam,bodo, bom, bodo, bom, myself a gun, eh! Careanto, careantore, Sylvio?
Jon Bon Jovi: The Stevie Van Zandt character.
Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes. Sylvio, Sylvio,Sylvio,[perfect impression of Sylvio from TheSopranos]Hey, Tony. I thought we were gonna have ameeting, Ton. I think we should have a meeting, Ton.
[Applause for Vinny. Vinny smiles big. Even Jon Bon Jovi is impressed]
Jon Bon Jovi: That’s amazing! I like that.
Vinny Vedecci: You remember Paulie Walnuts?
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, of course.
Vinny Vedecci:[to his director]Seriato, seriato Paulie Walnuts.
Show’s Director: Que cosa? Paulie Walnuts, PaulieWalnuts….[another perfect impression] You know whatto do in a time like this Ton? You send a message. Yousend a message and you start a meeting.[Applause]
Vinny Vedecci: Next question. Blaze of Glory.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, that’s one of my favorite songs.
Vinny Vedecci: Si, si. Very good song. Here it is best known for commercial jingle.
[Cut to a clip of a cigarette commercial. BlazePopulare cigarettes. Song plays and the kids light uptheir ciggies. They talk and share while enjoying theBlaze Cigarettes. Even a nun lights up and pats thekids on their heads. Song continues “Going down in ablaze of glory , take me down the road of truth…” Cut back to the studio]
Vinny Vedecci: Blaze Cigarette Populare![hold the pack up]
Jon Bon Jovi:[outraged]Are those cigarettes for kids?
Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. 7, 8 years old. Men.
Jon Bon Jovi: I never gave my song to that company.
Vinny Vedecci: But you are spokesman.[On the otherside of the pack there is Bon Jovi’s smiling face with a cowboy hat on]
Jon Bon Jovi:[more outrage]When did this happen?!
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, next question. Dead or Alive.
Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah, the song Dead or Alive. What about it?
Vinny Vedecci: It’s a song about a robot horse.
Jon Bon Jovi: No, you mean that line “on a steel horse I ride”.
Vinny Vedecci: Yeah, steel horse, a robot horse.
Jon Bon Jovi: No, no,no. Steel horse is a reference toa tour bus. The bus bands ride on.
Vinny Vedecci: Not a robot horse?
Jon Bon Jovi: No.
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, bisiando.[Vinny signals to someonebehind Jon to quit it. Its a guy dressed as a roboticmetal horse. Jon looks back at the robot horse as he leaves.
Jon Bon Jovi: You know what? I really gotta go call mylawyer cause I’m pretty upset about that kid’s cigarettes.
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, si, si. Blaze![again holds up thepack] Cigarette con divo Bon Jovi!
Jon Bon Jovi: How did this happen?!
Vinny Vedecci: Si, cigarette! [Humming theintroduction to Bon Jovi’s megahit “Living on aprayer”] Uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah.
Jon Bon Jovi: You don’t really want me to sing now, do you?
Vinny Vedecci: No, no. I will.[Sings the chorus]Oooohhcoristicon lates….[signals the director]
Vinny and the Director:[sing together]Diso de colate-e-e-es!!
[Applause. Vinny laughs very satisfied]
Jon Bon Jovi: I gotta tell you Vin. You know, I meanmy grandmother spoke Italian around the house when Iwas a kid and I don’t recognize a single word you said all night.
[Vinny freezes along with the director and his assistant for a few seconds]
Vinny Vedecci: That’s all the time tonight. Thanks tomy guest Jon Bon Jovi. I’m Vinny Vedecci. Good night.
Caption: An SNL Digital Short. People Getting Punched Just Before Eating.
[Techno music beat plays throughout the short]
[A senior citizen with white hair is getting ready fora snack on a park bench. Andy runs in a punches him in the face]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy does a tough guy pose. Jumps up and downcelebrating. Old man touches his jaw and watches himenjoying himself]
[Will Forte is about to have a slice of pizza on acity sidewalk. Goes for a bite and Andy punches him inthe face knocking him down]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy gives a thumbs up and dances wildly]
[Young guy and middle age man talk on a city street.Young guy peels a banana and Andy flies in and puncheshim in the face. Knocks him out]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy celebrates, jumps around, grabs middle age manhands and dances with him overjoyed]
[Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl is sitting on acafeteria table reading a newspaper. His drummerTaylor Hawkins sits next to him ready to have somelunch. Andy punches Taylor in the face, knocks himout. Dave keeps reading his paper]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy celebrates and leaves. Dave notices some frenchfries on Taylor’s tray. Picks some up and Andy fliesback in and punches him in the face, knocks him out]
Caption: DOUBLE PUNCHED!
[Andy celebrates, makes heavy metal signs with hisfingers]
[Jon Bon Jovi is ready to have a light salad in the TVstudio break room. Andy punches him in the face, knocks him down]
Caption: JOVI PUNCH!
[Jon Bon Jovi gets up playing an electric guitar, points at the camera]
Caption: FULL RECOVERY
[Jason Sudeikis is about to bite into a burger andAndy goes to punch him out. A cell phone interruptsand Jason picks it up. Andy backs off. Jason ends thecall, goes for a bite of his burger and Andy punches him in the face]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy celebrates]
[Guy eating a salad is punched, knocked out]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Guy eating an apple is punched, knocked out]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Guy eating potato chips is punched, knocked out]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Businesswoman eats hot dog is punched, knocked out]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Will Forte goes for another slice of pizza, looks toboth sides careful to not being punched again. He hasa black eye. Andy appears and Will is ready to defendhimself. Andy backs off. Will goes for his slice ofpizza. Andy slowly emerges from behind Will andgarrotte’s him to death. Andy dances around]
Caption: [flashing] MURDER!
[Andy punches guy ready to eat, ko’s him]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy punches guy sitting on a stoop, ko’s him]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy punches black girl eating Chinese, ko’s her]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy punches Fred Armisen while he reads a paper]
Caption: PUNCHED!
[Andy smiles for the camera and holds up a severedarm. Drops the arm horrified. Fred has turned into azombie, he growls]
[Horror music plays]
[The punched out victims have turned into zombies andare moving towards Andy. Andy is scared and runs. Heruns past the Eiffel Tower in Paris, zombies followhim. Runs past the Mount Rushmore Monument, zombies follow in hot pursuit]
[Techno music resumes]
[Andy and the zombies dances in front of a Indianpalace, probably the Taj Mahal]
Caption: ZOMBIE DANCE
[Andy and the zombies dance. 1,2,3,4, 1,2,3,4 1,2,3,4]
Computer Voice…..Paula Pell First Officer Belton…..Will Forte Captain Wallace…..Kristen Wiig Crew member 1…..Maya Rudolph Crew member 2…..Fred Armisen Blorax…..Jon Bon Jovi Crew member 3…..Bill Hader Alien 1…..Kenan Thompson Alien 2…..Andy Samberg
Computer Voice: Captain’s Deck, stand by.
First Officer Belton: Captain’s Deck standing by.
Computer Voice: First Officer Belton and Captain Wallace, please enter your access codes for coordinates.
First Officer Belton: Ah, Captain Wallace isn’t here right now, I don’t know where she is.
Computer Voice: Can not proceed without Captain’s code. End of transmission.
First Officer Belton: Oh, where is she? [ Captain Wallace comes in ] Captain, where have you been?
Captain Wallace: Um, just, everywhere!
First Officer Belton: Are you OK?
Captain Wallace: No! No I’m not! This is a disaster.
First Officer Belton: Well what’s wrong Captain?
Captain Wallace: I can’t find my purse!
First Officer Belton: Your purse?
Captain Wallace: My purse. I, I had it! And I, I know I had my purse earlier Today cause I paid for my breakfast which I don’t understand why we have to do. And I had it, and I, I don’t think anyone would take it.
First Officer Belton: Oh, I’m sure it will turn up, listen we’re very close to enemy territory we need your access codes to chart a new course
Captain Wallace: Yes, of course
Computer Voice: Please enter access codes. [ they do ]
Captain Wallace: I mean purses don’t just sprout up little purse legs and walk away. That was my favorite purse. I’m upset! Where’s my purse?
First Officer Belton: Maybe you should make an anouncement, you’ll feel better.
Captain Wallace: That’s a good idea! That’s a good idea. [ into intercom ] Attention everyone on the ship.
[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 in another part of the ship ]
Captain Wallace: [ over intercom ] It’s your Captain, Captain Wallace here. Oh my god!
[ crew member 1 & 2 look up concerned – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] Oh I’ve got some terrible news. I, I have lost my purse.
[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 looking at each other confused – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: And I just, I just, I don’t know where it is. I can’t find it. I had it and now I don’t have it. If anyone has seen it or if they saw me with it earlier, I just, I don’t know. It’s black. This is just, I don’t know, OK, just keep your eyes open. I love you guys. OK?
First Officer Belton: OK Captain we need to focus!
Captain Wallace: Yes.
First Officer Belton: Oh, I think someone is hailing us.
Captain Wallace: I really don’t think I can talk to anyone right now.
First Officer Belton: We are on a spaceship, ok? You’ll find it, there are only so many places it can be!
Captain Wallace: You’re right. Put them on the screen. I’m sorry.
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha foolish humans!
First Officer Belton: Oh no it’s Blorax!
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha ha yes it is me! And I assume you realise you’ve entered my Blorinian Territory. You know the consequences for violating interstellar law don’t you.
First Officer Belton: [ to Blorax ] It was a mistake, we’ve had some problems with are system and a…. [ to captain Wallace ] Captain?!
Captain Wallace: [ to herself ] So last night did I put it over my shoulder before I put my jacket on? I don’t remember.
First Officer Belton: Captain?!
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] I take your ambivalence as an invitation for us to seize your ship!
First Officer Belton: Captain, do something!
Captain Wallace: [ to Officer Belton ] I’m sorry! [ to Blorax ] I’m sorry ah, we came where we wern’t sposed to go. Blorax, you are not gonna believe this day that I’ve had,. just ask Officer Belton.
First Officer Belton: She lost her purse.
Captain Wallace: it was black, Blorax, it held everything….
Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] SILENCE! We’ve already boarded your ship. Prepare for destruction. Ha ha ha ha ha….
Crew Member 3: [ runs in ] Captain, aliens have boarded the ship and they… [ alien 1 runs up behind crew member 3 and shoots him ] ah, man! [ dies ]
Alien 1: [ runs over and grabs First Officer Belton ] If you do not hand over your ships control to Blorax bbbbrrrrllll your crew will perish.
First Officer Belton: Captain leave me, save the others!
Captain Wallace: Oh my god!
First Officer Belton: It’s ok! Save yourself!
Captain Wallace: Oh my god! I just remembered where my purse is! Oh my god! That’s right I put it right here on the floor when I put my jacket on! It’s right here! Oh my god! I found my purse! Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s right here!
[ takes out a tiny gun and shoots alien 1 ]
Alien 1: Ow, my face! [ dies ]
First Officer Belton: Oh my god! Captain, you saved me, Ma’am! Quick, we gotta get out of Blorinian Terratory
Captain Wallace: Hold on one second. [ into intercom ] Attention everybody! Oh god, I know things are a little crazy right now, alot of you are fighting and or dieing. I just wanted to let everyone know they can stop looking for my purse. Guess what? I found it!
[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 being strangled by alien 2 – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I found my purse! My purse was in here!
First Officer Belton: Captain hurry, we don’t have much time!
Captain Wallace: Oh my god! You are not gonna believe this! I was gonna leave my purse here! The purse I’ve been looking for all day, I was gonna leave without — I’ve gotta tell everybody about this! [ into intercom ] Everybody, you are not gonna believe what just happened. A crazy day just got crazier! My god, this is hilarious!
[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 dead – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]
Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I almost left my purse again! Can you beleive it? Oh my god, I was getting ready to get in the escape pod and I was gonna leave my purse here! My purse that I was looking for all day! I can’t believe that! It was just sitting right there and I was gonna walk off without it
Air Date:
