Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Surprise Party

Grandpa….Christopher Walken
Sue….Kristen Wiig
Guest 1….Amy Poehler
Guest 2….Bill Hader
Guest 3….Will Forte
Annie….Casey Wilson

[Opens with a nice house, cut to the living room. Aman talks to his friends, who sit on sofa. One of them is Sue.She is dressed with a large multicolor sweater.]

Grandpa: Thank you for coming on short notice. As youknow, my granddaughter is staying with us over thespring break and tomorrow is her birthday. So, I’mgoing to throw her a surprise party.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Guest 1: What a great idea.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Guest 2: She’ll be surprised.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-d!

Guest 1: Sue, what’s wrong?

Grandpa: Sue likes surprise parties.

Sue: I really love surprise parties, I’m freakin’ excited!

Grandpa: I want to ask. Does anyone want to help?

Sue: Oh, yes![Raises her hand high]

Grandpa: Thank you. She’s going to be so happy.

[Sue clenches her fists. Excited as hell]

Guest 1: Sue?

Sue: Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was gonna behappening today! I’m ecstatic to be a part of this!

Guest 2: It’s truly nice that you’re doing this for her.

Grandpa: I’d do anything for her. She’s my peach. Whatdo you think? Should I get balloons?

Sue: YES!!!

Guest 3: You know, I know of a party store I could picksome up on the way over tomorrow–

Sue:[overexcited] She’s gonna walk in here and thinkthat nobody’s here! I don’t know what’s she gonna dowhen she sees the balloons! And we’re hidden! And she’s surprised!

Guest 1: That’s how a surprise party works.

Sue: Oh, I know how they work!

Grandpa: That’s the idea. I thought I’d take her tothe park. Tell her we’re coming here for pizza. Now,you should all park far away so she doesn’t see thecars and get suspicious. Sue, what are writing?

[Sue writes furiously on a notepad]

Sue: All of it! Everything that you’re saying!Everything that’s happening!

[Guest 2 takes the notepad from Sue and shows it.]

Guest 2: It’s scribbles. It’s nothing. You act like itsthe first time you’ve ever thrown a surprise party.

Grandpa: Leave her alone. Sue, I love that you’reexcited about this. I am too. I just show it differently.

Guest 1: Oh, my friend owns a bakery. I can swing bytonight and pick up a cake.

[Sue rocks back and forth, out of breath]

Sue: I’m sorry. I feel like I’m gonna pass out. Couldsomeone get me something to eat? Some solid food. I’m so freakin’–

[Guest 2 gives her a bag of Ruffles chips]

Guest 2: Excited, excited…yes, we know.

Guest 3: I can’t wait to see her face tomorrow.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-o-od! I forgot about her face!! That’s the best part!!

Grandpa: We still have a lot to cover. So let’s talk about–

Sue: Oh, boy. My hands are paralyzed![Can’t open thebag of chips, Guest 2 opens the bag for her]

Grandpa: I thought we could do—I can do somejuggling from back when I was an army clown. I stillhave the nose someplace.

Sue: CLOWN![crams chips in her mouth]

Guest 1: Sue, get a hold of yourself!

Sue: I’m sorry, but I didn’t know this was happening!

Guest 2: Why don’t you go outside and get some air?

Sue: I’m sorry, you know what would make me calm down?A practice surprise. We can all figure out where we’re gonna hide.

Grandpa: Good idea. I don’t want to screw this up. So,everybody hide somewhere.

[The guests get up and hide behind the couch]

Grandpa: Ok, I bring her in. I say “Ok, Annie. We’re home.” And then you say—

All except Sue: Surprise!

Sue: SURPRIIIIIISE!!!!!!![Hands up high] gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!![whisper growl] happybirthday![covers her face, uncovers, unable to contain the excitement]

Guest 3: What is wrong with you?

[Annie walks in]

Annie: Hey, grandpa. What’s going on?

Grandpa: Everything’s fine, darling.

Guest 1: Yeah, we’re just hanging out.

Guest 2: Uh-huh.

Guest 3: Just talking.

[Sue has her collar over her mouth, bites it. Eyes open wide, ready to explode]

Annie: Hi, Sue.

Sue: I can’t tell you about something!

Guest 1: Oh, shut it, Sue!

Sue: There’s nothing. There’s something that I’m veryexcited that I can’t —is there a party?!, WHAT?! NO!Whose birthday?! What?! Tomorrow?! Nothing! What’shappening?! What time is it?! Park?! Pizza?! Hey, I’mgoing to a party tomorrow! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here itcomes, here it comes! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Grandpa: Sue, don’t! Please!

[Sue knocks herself out by smashing a light bulb on her head, she falls down.]

Annie: Grandpa, grandpa. What’s going on?

Grandpa: Well, to be honest, we’re talking abouthaving a party for you on your birthday.

Annie: Awww, grandpa. That’s really sweet but I don’tneed a party. But what I would like is for you to getme a Coach bag at the mall.

Guest 3: We could all pitch in on that.

[Sue sprints up on her feet]

Sue: OH, THE MALL!!

[Sue jumps out of a glass window]

Grandpa: Anything. Anything for you, cupcake. We’ll get ice cream—

[Sue jumps back in the living room through the busted window]

Sue: ICE CREAM!! THE MALL!!

[Sue jumps back out the window]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Eric’s Farewell

Nathan…..Jason Sudeikis
Kathy…..Kristen Wiig
Eric…..Christopher Walken
Mark…..Bill Hader
Maggie…..Casey Wilson

[ open on exterior, office building, as office staffers can be heard singing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” ]

[ dissolve to interior, office going-away party, Nathan at the center of the room ]

Nathan: Thanks! Thank you, everybody, that’s really nice of you! I’m — I-I-I don’t know what to say, really, I mean — I’ve enjoyed working here, and I’m gonna miss all of you.

[ the crowd “Awwww”s ]

Nathan: Now, please — have some cake! Dig in!

[ Nathan starts to make his way through the room, as Kathy steps closer to him. Eric can be seen lingering off to the side, waiting for a private moment with Nathan. ]

Kathy: Oh. Hey, Nathan, um —

Nathan: Yeah?

Kathy: Uh — a few of us chipped in and got you a gift certificate to Starbucks. [ she hands him the card ]

Nathan: [ touched ] Ohhh, thanks, Kathy! That’s really nice of you.

Kathy: Well, we all know how much you love your Ethos Water!

Nathan: Yeah, well — [ he chuckles ]

Kathy: Best of luck!

Nathan: Thank you. Thank you.

[ Kathy steps away, as Eric finally sidles forward ]

Eric: Hey, Nathan…

Nathan: [ not recognizing Eric ] Hey… man?

Eric: Eric.

Nathan: Eric! Right, right! Yeah, I’m — I’m sorry. How — how you doin’?

Eric: [ with great sorrow ] Alright.

Nathan: Yeah.

Eric: I’m down in the dumps, I can’t believe you’re leaving…

Nathan: Yeah, yeah —

Eric: It SUCKS!

Nathan: [ smiling politely ] Yeah, I know, I’m — I’m really gonna miss it here.

Eric: I feel like… we never got… to hang out.

Nathan: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, that — that stinks.

Eric: Yeah. We… bump into each other, in the bathroom and stuff… like, when you… you’d be washing your hands and I’d be… going Number One, and… when you’d… you’d be going Number One, and I’d be washing my hands, and… like, that one time when… Ron was going Number One, and… we were both washing our hands then. We were… out of towels, and you were like… “Geez! With… with as little as they pay us here, you’d think they’d be able to afford TOWELS!” [ he laughs maniacally ] Remember that?

Nathan: Uh, I — no, actually. No, I don’t.

Eric: It was hilarious! The point is… I’ll miss our talks.

Nathan: [ he really doesn’t know who this guy is ] Yeah. Yeah, me, too. uhhh — well, luckily, they’ve got those blowers in the bathroom, now —

Eric: Yeah!

Nathan: Yeah, so —

Eric: [ he laughs ] You are SO positive. You’re like a breath… of fresh air… or… a moist… towelette… at the end of a large… delicious plate of ribs.

Nathan: [ not sure how to respond ] Uhhh — thank you. Thank you.

Mark: Hey, Nathan, sorry to interrupt you two — [ shakes Nathan’s hand ]

Nathan: No, no, no, no — it’s alright.

Mark: I just wanted to say good luck.

Nathan: Yeah! Thank you, Mark, I appreciate it. Thank you.

Mark: I’ll let you guys get back to your little heart-to-heart, okay?

Nathan: [ shaking his head ] Oh, no! No, it’s not really like that, uh —

[ as Mark walks away, Eric moves closer and thrusts a CD toward Nathan’s face ]

Eric: I made you a mix CD… It’s a compilation of all the different songs I’ve heard you… playing in your car when you… arrive at work.

Nathan: [ stunned ] Oh! Wow, Eric, that’s — that’s really nice of you. [ takes the CD ] You know, I — you know, I really just listen to the radio!

Eric: Me, too. I love the radio, it’s… so random! Gosh, dammit… we’re like the same guy, you and me.

Nathan: Yeah, well, uh — [ itching to get as far away as he can ] Thanks for the CD! [ starts to turn away ]

Eric: Yeah… I also made a portrait of you.

Nathan: [ more stunned ] Great…

Eric: [ he shrugs ] It’s just a doodle. I did it from memory, so… I don’t know… how accurate it is.

[ Eric turns around and pulls out an oil portrait of Nathan’s exact lifeness ]

Nathan: [ floored ] Wow!! That’s — that’s — that’s — that’s really good.

[ Maggie approaches from behind and places her hand on Nathan’s shoulder ]

Maggie: Hey, Nathan…

Nathan: [ eagerly ] Hi! Hi!

Maggie: Real quick.

Nathan: No, no!

Maggie: I don’t want to bother you two in the middle of your goodbyes.

Nathan: [ whispering ] I don’t know this guy, I —

Maggie: Awww! I just wanted to thank you for all the advice.

Nathan: Thank you.

Eric: [ peeking in ] Maggie… look at — look at what I made for Nathan. [ he holds up the oil portrait ]

Maggie: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s… that’s amazing! You two are so lucky! You know what? I don’t even want to interrupt.

[ Maggie steps away ]

Nathan: [ desperately ] No! You’re not interrupting at all!

Eric: [ shoves the oil portrait into Nathan’s hands ] I hate this… I hate this. I have better… drawings of you, but I… figure the nude… would be tacky… for a going-away gift. Not to mention, sexual harrassment charges, like… pssh! The last thing I need, considering my… recent… sexual harrassment charge.

Nathan: No, that’s, uh — that’s a good instinct. I — I — well, I appreciate it, Eric. That’s very nice of you.

Eric: I’d give you a BIG hug —

Nathan: Well, no, I —

[ Eric gives Nathan a big hug ]

Nathan: There you go! Quick one! There you go!

Eric: Dammit! These suits really hide your… firm… athletic… body. I mean… I knew it was in there… because of all the… working out you do, and all… the softball you play. [ sniffling ] Oh, boy! Here come the water works! [ he whips out a handkerchief ] A lot of stuff goin’ on in this big ol’ goofy heart of mine… [ he blows his nose ]

Nathan: Alright…

Eric: [ starts to sing: ] “I’ll be seeing you… in al the old, familiar places… that this heart of mine embraces all day through…

[ Nathan chuckles nervously, as Eric suddenly leans toward him with his mouth open and tongue extended ]

Nathan: What are you doing..?!

[ Eric jabs his tongue into Nathan’s ear and frenches his lobes ]

Nathan: [ jumping ] HEY!! GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF MY EAR!! [ he takes a giant step away from Eric ] THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR THEm UH — UH — THE NICE PARTY!! AH — I’M GONNA GO!! THANK YOU! I’M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS!

[ Eric waves goodbye as Nathan tosses the oil portrait into the trash can and exits the room ]

[ Mark, Maggie, and Kathy step toward Eric ]

Kathy: You gonna be okay, Eric?

Eric: [ with a low moan ] I don’t know…

[ “Make Someone Happy” pots up in the background ]

Eric: Part of me wants to let him go — yet… another part of me wants to chase him in the parking lot… run up behind him… and choke him to death. Then… make love to his corpse… for the rest of my life. Oh, Kathy… what’s wrong with me?

Kathy: I’ll tell you what’s wrong: you’re in love, Eric. [ Eric nods ] Go! Go to him! If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

Eric: You’re right. [ he nods ] Yeah. [ he gives it some thought ] I’m gonna go choke him!

[ Mark, Maggie, and Kathy watch with tears in their eyes as Eric exits the room to chase after his beloved ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken
Audience Member 1…..Jim Downey
Audience Member 2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member 3…..Bryan Tucker
Audience Member 4…..John Lutz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!

Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s good to be back on “Saturday Night Live”. Tonight… is my one-hundredth time hosting. [ the audience laughs ] Yes… my centennial. People… tell me it’s less than that, but I count reruns.

This time, I want to do something different. I’ve never taken questions from the audience… and I’ve always wanted to… and to make sure they’re good questions, I wrote them myself… and acted them out before the show, so… without… more ado… fist question. [ points ] You, sir.

Audience Member 1: So, just… read, read it off the card?

Christopher Walken: Yes. But… but read it… as if… you thought of it.

Audience Member 1: Okay. [ reading his card ] “Which do you prefer more: acting in film, or live performances?”

Christopher Walken: That’s a good one! Excellent question. I love movies, but, for me, nothing beats the flamboyance… the… the fulfullment of showing off in front of a living audience. [ looks around ] Next?

Audience Member 2: Hi!

Christopher Walken: Hi. Shoot.

Audience Member 2: [ reading her card ] What is your favorite color?

Christopher Walken: I have to be honest: that’s not a good question. I’m sayin’: Here we are… you have a chance to ask me something germaine, and… all you… come up with… is my favorite color? It’s not good.

[ Audience Member 2 is flabbergasted at this reaction ]

Christopher Walken: In any case… to answer your stinky question… my favorite color… is burnt… umber. I hope the next question is better. [ looks around ] Yes? [ points ] You?

Audience Member 3: Hi. [ reading his card ] “What do you like to do when you’re not on camera?”

Christopher Walken: [ shaking his head ] I’m not gonna answer that. Please… don’t come at me… with questions… about my intimate behavior. You know… I have a question for you: You should be ashamed of yourself! [ looks around ] You.

Audience Member 4: [ reading his card ] “Would you rather have the power of invisibility, or the power of flight?”

Christopher Walken: [ stone-faced for a moment ] This is a GOOD one! And it so happens I have the answer: I… would go with both. I’d be a GIGANTIC… invisible bird/ I’d spend all day flying at top speed… into sliding glass doors. People would hear a big THUMP… and they’d say: “Ohh!! A BIRD… must have hit the sliding… glass door!” Then, they would… run off and look, and… what?! No bird! [ he smiles, as the audience cheers ] Can you imagine their confused face!

[ Audience Member 4 stands in stoned silence ]

Christopher Walken: I’d be a ton of laughs… if I was a… GIGANTIC, invisible bird! And, uh… you were saying?

Audience Member 4: [ confused ] I’m — I’m sorry, what?

Christopher Walken: Flip the corner — flip the corner.

Audience Member 4: [ he flips the card over and reads: ] “Great answer, Mr. Walken.”

Christopher Walken: Thank you! [ he smiles ] You wouldn’t think they’d read off a card so tricky! You look at the words, you read them — that’s how it’s done. At the end of the day… I think the questions went… wonderfully well. I — I think the evening… is gonna go… just as good… if not, worse!

We have a terrific show. Panic at the Disco is here. Stick around… we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Grease Rehearsals

Drama Teacher…..Christopher Walken
Miss Hash…..Amy Poehler
Lucas…..Andy Samberg
Evan…..Bill Hader
Tommy…..Jason Sudeikis
Keith…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, high school auditorium ]

[ dissolve to interior, high school auditorium, four high school boys huddled in one corner, laughing, as the Drama Teacher steps forward ]

Drama Teacher: Guys, come on… the Norh Side High Senior Musical is in three weeks — yes? — and we need to rehearse. I am a Drama teacher… I am not David Blaine. Right, Miss Hash?

[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]

Drama Teacher: Look — Principal Henderson… watched… rehearsal yesterday, and… he said that he was unaware that we were doing the original Broadway version of “Grease”, and he’s worried that… some of the lyrics might be… inappropriate. News to me, but… let’s sing through it and see what he’s talking about. Miss Hash, you ready?

[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]

Drama Teacher: Five! Six, seven, eight.

Boys: [ singing ]
“Go, Greased Lightin’, you’re burnin’ up the quarter-mile!Greased Lightnin’! Go, Greased Lightnin’!You are supreme!The chicks will cream!Go, Greased Lightnin’!”

Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Who, whoa, whoa!! Wait a minute! The chicks will, what?! That is dirty! Do you — do you know what that means? [ incredulous ] “Chicks will cream…”

[ the four boys discuss it amongst themselves ]

Drama Teacher: Lucas! Do you know what that means?

Lucas: [ nervously ] I-I-I think I do, yeah…

Drama Teacher: Yeah? [ he nods ] Come here! Yell me what you think it is! [ Lucas is reluctant ] Come here! Whisper… in my ear.

[ Lucas steps forward and whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]

Drama Teacher: Yes. You got it. Good for you. Tell your friends, they want to know… what it means.

[ Lucas returns to his friends and whispers into their huddle. The other three react with stunned surprise. ]

Drama Teacher: That’s right… boys… it’s dirty! So… we have to replace that lyric with something else. Let’s see… “Chicks will… teem“… “Chicks will… seem“…

Evan: “Scream”?

Drama Teacher: No, shut up! “Chicks… chicks will fleem!” We’ll do “fleem”. So, it’s… “You are supreme… chicks will fleem… for Greased Lightnin’.”

Tommy: Wait… fleem?

Drama Teacher: It works! It fits! It rhymes! Next verse! Ready… Miss Hash?

[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]

Drama Teacher: Five, six, seven, eight!

Boys: [ singing ]
“Pistons, plugs, and shocks
I can get off my rocks!
You know that I’m not lyin’…!”

Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Wait a minute!! “Get off my rocks”? We can’t sing that! That is dirty! You know what that means? “Get off my rocks.” Keith… you know what that means?

Keith: Yeah?

Drama Teacher: You do? Come over here. [ Keith steps forward ] Tell me what you think that means. Whisper it.

[ Keith whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]

Drama Teacher: It does. But, how?

[ Keith continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]

Drama Teacher: [ he nods ] That’s it. That’s how you do it. [ points to the other boys ] Tell them.

[ Keith returns to his friends and whispers into their huddle. The other three react with mild surprise. ]

Drama Teacher: So… we need to change it. “Pistons, plugs, and shocks…”

Tommy: Uh — “This car really rocks!”

Drama Teacher: No, shut up! “Pistons, plugs, and shocks… [ thinking ] Flocks, flocks, flocks!” It oughtta do. It works. It fits. Next verse. Miss Hash, ready?

[ Miss Hash stares stone-faced from behind her piano ]

Drama Teacher: Five, six, seven, eight!

Boys: [ singing ]
“You know that I’m not braggin’
She’s a real pussy wagon…!”

Drama Teacher: Whoa!! Wait a minute!! That’s dirty! Do you know what that means? [ pointing ] You in the back — Evan. You know?

Evan: [ rubbing his chin ] Yeah.

Drama Teacher: Come here. Tell me. Tell me. [ Evan steps forward ] What is it? Whisper.

[ Evan whispers into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]

Drama Teacher: No… that’s not it.

[ Evan continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]

Drama Teacher: No, they — they — it’s too little…

[ Evan continues to whisper into the Drama Teacher’s ear ]

Drama Teacher: Come on! Even Miss Hash knows what it means!

[ Evan returns to his friends ]

Drama Teacher: Yes! Finally. It’s like pulling teeth. So… instead of singing “It’s a real…” — you know what — “wagon”… we’ll do… hmm… [ thinking ] “Have you ever seen a dragon? …Greased Lightnin’.”

Tommy: A dragon? Isn’t this supposed to be a song about a car?

Drama Teacher: Tommy… when you’re on Broadway… and you will be, all of you… but, when you’re on Broadway… you’re performing in front of an adult audience. Then, you can talk about your rocks, whatever kind of wagon you want… but, this is… high school… and, if I let you sing that, the School Board… will put me in a box and push me down a hill, okay? So… what’re we gonna sing?

Boys: “Have you ever seen a dragon?”

Drama Teacher: Right. And, now… I-I’m worried about “Greased Lightnin’.” In certain circles, it’s filthy. You know what that means? Come here!

[ the boys step closer and huddle around the Drama Teacher as he explains the meaning with gyrating gestures and a punch-motion to the groin ]

All: Ohhhh!!!!

[ the boys return to their first position ]

Drama Teacher: Yeah… it’s bad. So… let’s just… avoid the… controvisty… and, instead of singing “Greased Lightnin'”, we’ll say… [ thinking ] “Gene Rayburn.” He was the host of the “Match Game”, and if… if anything else looks dubious, just fill in… with… “Hubba-hubba!” Okay. Questions? [ no response ] No? Let — let — let’s put it all together and.. SELL IT!! Five!! Six, seven, eight.

All: [ singing ]
“Go, Gene Rayburn, you’re runnin’ up the quarter mile!
Gene Rayburn! Go, Gene Rayburn!
Hubba-hubba-hubba, Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba!
Flee-ee-ee-eemmm!
Pistons, plugs, and shocks!
Flocks, flocks, flocks!
You know that I’m not braggin’
Have you ever seen a dragon?
Gene Rayburrrrrrrrrnnn!
Go!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Goodnights

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: Thanks… to Panic at the Disco, and Lorne, and… thank you very much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Indoor Gardening Tips From A Man Who’s Very Scared Of Plants

Gardener…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: And now, Indoor gardening tips from a man who’s very scared of plants.

Caption: Indoor Gardening Tips from a man who’s very scared of plants.

[Opens with a gardener in his indoor garden surrounded by various plants. He has curly blond hair, a gardening apron and he’s spraying water on the plants]

Gardener: Hi. These are my cactuses. I put googly eyes on them. [Cactuses have googly eyes on them] A lot of people are putting googly eyes on their cactuses nowadays. I think it’s because cactuses are dangerous. Cactuses have pricklers that can stab you in your hands, your throat, your face. So you need to know where you stand with them all the time. The only way to know where to stand with someone is to look into their eyes, right? Normally plants don’t have eyes, so it’s hard for me to trust them. Hence. The googly eyes. Still, it’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t turn your back on a cactus.

[Moves over to other plants]

Now, these are my ferns. [sprays water on them] I put googly eyes on them, also. [googly eyes on the ferns] Most people don’t put googly eyes on their ferns. I do. I got the idea off my cactuses because I like to feel comfortable with my plants. Now, ferns don’t have pricklers like cactuses, but what if they all ganged up and tried to choke you in your sleep? If enough ferns lodged themselves down your throat…pshh!, you’d choke for sure. [puts water bottle down] It’s probably not gonna happen, but what if it did? What do you think your last thought would be? Mine would be: “I always knew it was gonna be the ferns.” No worries. Me and these ferns are good. I can tell. [points to his eyes with two fingers] By looking into their eyes, I know. They’re like real eyes. They just make me feel comfortable.

[moves to other plants]

Ooh! [jumps back a little] But I don’t feel comfortable around this plant whatsoever. [some kind of potted wildflower with googly eyes on it] Whoa, what a relief! You see. I made eye contact. [signals to his eyes with two fingers] I feel like I know where I stand with this plant. What a load off. I don’t know if I’ve been clear about this, but the whole concept of eye contact — hugely important to me.

[moves towards other plants]

Some plants [sighs] you can’t never feel comfortable with. I made an effort on this one. [he whines in front of a huge plant, almost a tree, with big, giant googly eyes] How are you supposed to feel comfortable with something that’s twice your size?

[Moves towards other plants]

Eeep! [holds back a little] I got to get away from this plant right here. This one has got to go. Come here, here’s some grass I made. [three rectangles of green grass] I don’t go near it. I can’t figure out how to get any googly eyes stuck on it. You see, you put — [he throws a bunch of googly eyes on the grass] you put them on and they fall right down. They become dirt eyes. So I don’t feel like I know where I stand with any of them. Plus, they’re so quiet. Winston Churchill once said: “The eyes are the windows of your face.” See you next time.

Announcer: This has been Indoor gardening with a man who’s scared very scared of plants.

Caption: Indoor Gardening With A Man Who’s Very Scared Of Plants.

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Top Chef

Padma….Kristen Wiig
Wylie Delmario….Fred Armisen
Dave….Christopher Walken
Rafael….Kenan Thompson
Andy….Andy Samberg
Cindy….Amy Poehler

Caption: TOP CHEF logo. BRAVO logo at the bottom right of the screen.

[Opens with Padma walking towards 4 chefs dressed in white in a kitchen. 3 guys, one girl. They all have faux-hawk haircuts]

Padma: Welcome chefs. As you all know, Top Chef is in Chicago this season. So for tonight’s quick-fire challenge, you will all be required to take one of the most well-known Chicago staples, the Deep Dish Pizza and reinvent it as fine dining cuisine. However there is a catch. You may only use the following ingredients. Beets[image of beets], couscous[image of couscous], frozen yogurt[image of frozen yogurt], medicine[image of pill bottles],a paper bag[image of a wrinkled paper bag], stale Peeps[image of yellow marshmallow Peeps] and [takes gum out of her mouth] this gum. You will have 30 minutes to complete this challenge. But there’s one more catch, anyone with a faux-hawk is disqualified.[The chefs are disappointed] I’m joking. It wouldn’t be Top Chef without faux-hawks or a weird judge-guy who we tell you owns a restaurant somewhere.

[A hippie looking guy with glasses and long hair stands next to Padma.]

Caption: Wylie Delmario. Owner Persimmon Grill.

Wylie Delmario: Impress me.

Padma: Your time starts now. Go!

[The chefs desperately run around the kitchen. Two of the contestants grab the same pot. They have a little tug of war]

Rafael: Hey, I need that pot!

Andy: I need it too!

Cindy: Where is the olive oil?!

Andy: I need olive oil too!

[Andy lets go of the pot, runs to other side of the kitchen]

[Dave is older than the other contestants and is completely lost. He holds up a beet]

Dave: I thought we were making a pizza. This is a beet.

[Cindy carries a boiling hot pot]

Cindy: Hot pot! Hot pot! Coming right behind you!

[Andy is stirring something in a pan]

Andy: My emulsion is separating!

[Dave looks over Rafael’s shoulder]

Rafael: Can I help you?!

Dave: What are you doing?

Rafael: What do you mean what am I doing? I’m doing a salad! Hey Cindy, I need that balsamic!

Cindy: You got it!

[Cindy throws the balsamic to Rafael, he catches it]

Dave: When I cook at home I use whatever stuff I want.

Rafael: Will you get away from me please?!

Dave: Did she say cook a pizza or cook beets and couscous? Because that would make more sense with the ingredients we have. And they sound alike—pizza, beetsa, you know…

[Andy is in front of the oven and burners]

Andy: The burners aren’t working! I need to make a roux!

[Dave comes over to Andy]

Dave: I have no idea what to do. What are you making?

Andy:[snippy] Its a Sicilian empanada with marshmallow peep foam!

Dave: That sounds great. You know what I like about pizza? I like it when the cheese get melty. But we’re not allowed to use cheese.

Andy: Great. Can you hand me that strainer?

Dave: This is the problem I’m having today.[gives Andy the strainer] I can’t use the stuff I want to use.

Andy: Dude, that’s the whole point. How did you ever get on this show?

Dave: I like to cook.

Cindy: Hey, could somebody help me over here?!

[Dave comes over to Cindy at a counter]

Dave: I got free hands. I can’t make head or tails of this challenge. They won’t let us use certain things.

Cindy: Yeah, ok. I need to drizzle this reduction over the other reduction.

Dave: Good idea.

[They drizzle over the plates]

Cindy: You’re kind of missing the plate there.

Dave: You know what else is hard about this contest? Is the time limit. It makes it hard to think of ideas. Especially when you can’t use the ingredients you want to use. Everybody is running around and yelling.

Padma: Chefs, there’s one minute remaining.

Wylie Delmario: I hope you’re impressing me.

[Dave comes over Padma and Wylie]

Dave: Lady, I have to be honest. I haven’t started cooking yet.

Padma: 30 seconds.

Dave: And that’s another thing, if I was gonna make a pizza I would need an hour. Maybe more, ideally there would be no time limit.

Padma: 10 seconds.

Dave: Maybe I’ll try to whip something up.[goes back to the kitchen]

Padma: That’s time. Utensils down, hands up.

[The chefs put the utensils down, hands up]

Dave: I TRIED! I COULDN’T DO IT! ITS TOO HARD!

Caption: Coming up on Top Chef.

Padma: Rafael, what is your dish?

[Rafael holds up a plate with his monstrosity]

Rafael: This is a Mediterranean Pizza with shaved beet pepperoni.

Padma: And you Dave, what did you make?

Dave: Nothing. But it looks like Rafael has plenty to go around. You can eat that.

Padma: Dave, you’re eliminated. Please, pack your knives and go.

Dave: KNIVES! What?! Who knew from knives?!!

Caption: TOP CHEF.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 5th, 2008

Christopher Walken

Panic at the Disco

None

Christopher Dodd

Jim Downey

Paula Pell

Bryan Tucker

John Lutz

Hillary for PresidentSummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) outlines her and Bill’s (Darrell Hammond) income tax returns.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Christopher Walken supplies audience members (Jim Downey, Paula Pell, Bryan Tucker, John Lutz) with index cards, then “spontaneously” asks if they have any questions they’d like him to answer.

First Hosted: 89k.

Transcript

annualeSummary: New women’s hygeine product makes it possible for women to endure their period just once a year, albeit with dangerous side effects the remainder of the year.

Note: Repeat from 07e.

Grease RehearsalsSummary: When the high school drama club makes plans to perform “Grease”, it’s up to the musical theater director (Christopher Walken) to clean up the raunchy lyrics in “Greased Lightnin'” by creating a series of nonsensical teen-friendly rhymes that shift the focus of the song from a souped-up race car to seeing dragons with “Match Game” emcee Gene Rayburn.

Transcript

Eric’s FarewellSummary: Nathan (Jason Sudeikis) is delighted by the going-away party the office staff has thrown for him, until it comes time for stalkish co-worker Eric (Christopher Walken) to say his heartfelt goodbyes.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader interrupt Lorne Michael’s dinner with Christopher Dodd to present the debut of “Laser Cats 3-D.”

Surprise PartySummary: A man (Christopher Walken) enlists his friends to help him throw a surprise party for his granddaughter (Casey Wilson), but the excitement is much more than Sue (Kristen Wiig) can handle.

Transcript

Panic at the Disco performs “Nine in the Afternoon”Bio: Alternative rock group; name taken from lyrics in the Name Taken song “Panic”; members: Brendon Urie, Ryan Ross, Jon Walker, Spencer Smith.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Pregnant man Thomas Beatie (Andy Samberg) drops by the news desk to invite Seth and Amy to his baby shower.

Transcript

Walken Family ReunionSummary: There’s lots of monosyllabic conversation to go around when Christopher Walken mingles with his relatives at a bizarre family reunion.

Indoor Gardening Tips from a Man Who’s Very Scared of PlantsSummary: A gardening expert (Christopher Walken) can only be at ease around his plants if he can attach googly eyes to them.

Transcript

Top ChefSummary: An inexperienced chef (Christopher Walken) comes up empty-handed in a cooking challenge that involves couscous, stale Peeps, and other odd ingredients.

Transcript

Panic at the Disco performs “I Write Sins, Not Tragedies”

Larry King LiveRecurring Characters: Larry King, Jimmy Carter.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Man-MonkeySummary: A man (Christopher Walken) must hide his man-monkey when unexpected vistors arrive.

Bosnia ’96Summary: In 1996, First Lady Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler), Chelsea Clinton (Casey Wilson), Sheryl Crow (Kristen Wiig), and Sinbad (Kenan Thompson) make a terrorizing trip to Bosnia, where they make their landing amidst a hail of gunfire.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton.

John McCainSummary: John McCain (Darrell Hammond) rants about the price of things these days.

Recurring Characters: John McCain.

Big OilSummary: A reporter (Fred Armisen) is reduced to tears when his interview with an oil magnate (Jason Sudeikis) doesn’t go as planned.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8


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07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.

Shocking news out of New York this week. Turns out the whistleblower was having his whistle blown.

During a short press conference, Monday, in which New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a prostitution ring, his wife, Silda, stood by his side — apparently, to make sure there are no prostitutes under the podium.

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary with nearly 90% of the black vote in the state, but only one-quarter of the white vote. While Mississippi’s Asian guy is still too scared to leave the house.

Many California parents who home-school their children are upset by a California court ruling that may force their children to be taught by a credentialed teacher. Said one angry parent, “This is just like what the Nazis did to the Eskimos in the 1850’s.”

Amy Poehler: According to a new report, a cocktail of more than fifteen drugs ranging from pain relievers to veterinary medicines, have been found in New York City’s drinking water. The good news? You can now freebase your Fabrilta… Brita Filter!

Seth Meyers: [ chuckling ] Fabrilta, not as good!

The revelation of Eliot Spitzer’s involvement with a high-end prostitution ring is one of the most shocking and abrupt political scandals in recent history. And it brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Really, Eliot Spitzer? Really? Did you not think prostitution rings get busted? Your job used to be busting prostitution rings! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And the service you used was called Emperor’s Club V.I.P. Really? You know, as a rule, if something has V.I.P. in the title it’s not for V.I.P.’s. If you see a place called the VIP Nail Salon in Midtown, you will not find Keira Knightly there.”

Amy Poehler: And you used a fake name, but your real home address? Really? That’s like wearing a fake moustache and a t-shirt that says “I’m wearing a fake moustache!” And your fake name was your buddy’s name! And, not only that, you picked a buddy whose name sounds made-up! “George Fox.” Really? Why not just go with “Captain Superdong”? Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker, but you didn’t want to wear a condom? Really?

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: That might not be scary if you were Client #1, but you were Client #9. I wear a condom if I’m ninth in line at the deli!

Amy Poehler: Really?

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: I really do!

Amy Poehler: He really does! And, Silda — Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didn’t have to stand there. Really! Tammy Wynette would not have stood there. And if you do stand up there, you have permission to make goofy faces. You can go like this: [ makes an exaggerated motion ] You can make rabbit ears. You can do one of these: [ makes a thumbs-up ] then go like this: [ stretches finger apart to represent a small penis ] It’s your time to shine! Really.

Seth Meyers: Really. Also, liberals: quit complaining that Larry Craig didn’t resign after his sex scandal. Larry Craig tapped his foot in a bathroom; Eliot Spitzer spent eighty thousand dollars on prostitutes. You can’t compare. It’s not apples and oranges; that’s apples and prostitutes. And, side note: Larry Craig you have to resign too, I mean, really.”

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have to resign too. Really!

Seth Meyers: Really! Spitzer’s worse, but you really have to go. Really!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you have to go, too! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Amy Poehler: In his first televised interview since suspending his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney, on Tuesday, said he would be “honored” to serve as John McCain’s vice-presidential nominee. Which was an odd response to the question, “So, how do you like this weather?”

An 800-pound Mexican man’s attempt to go to a picnic in pursuit of a date was ruined after the flatbed truck carrying his bed to the event hit an overpass and his bed was damaged, forcing him to return home. Which is a shame, as, otherwise, the plan was solid.

Seth Meyers: The first finalist voted off “American Idol” this week was David Hernandez, who was a former stripper, and is now a current stripper.

A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: if you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.

Amy Poehler: The State Department upset human rights groups this week by removing China from its annual list of human rights violators. This, despite their plan to light the Olympic torch using an outspoken journalist.

A new study shows that at least one in four teenage girls in the U.S. has a sexually-transmitted disease. “I like those odds,” said Mr. Mathis, the cool history teacher.

Seth Meyers: This week, the issue of race once again became the focal point for the Democratic Presidential candidates. Hillary Clinton’s longtime advisor, Geraldine Ferraro, said, “If Barack Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is.” Here to comment, an old friend of ours, Tracy Morgan.

[ the audience cheers ]

Tracy Morgan: Thank you Seth. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, there’s always someone to come around and remind us that he’s black? First, Tiger… then, Donovan McNabb… then, me! And now Barack. I got a theory about that. It’s a little complicated, but, basically, it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end! Maybe not the people in this room…

But, if we’re not a racist country, then how did Hillary convince everybody in Texas and Ohio that Barack didn’t know how to answer the phone at three in the morning? Let me tell you something: Barack knows how to answer that phone! He’s not going to answer it, like, [ trembling ] “Hello..? I’m scared. and what’s going on..?” He’s going to answer it like I would get a call at three in the morning! [ angrily ] “Yeah, who’s this?! It better be good, or I’m gonna come down there and put somebody in a wheelchair!”

[ Tracy squints to read the next line on the cue card, but faces difficulty. He tries to stifle a laugh. ]

Some things never change, Seth!

Seth Meyers: [ shrugs his shoulders, confused ] Okay…

Tracy Morgan: [ reading the cue card correctly now ] People say he’s not a fighter. Let me tell you something, he’s gangster. He’s from Chicago! Barack is not just winning because he’s a black man. If that were the case, I would be winning. And I’m WAY blacker than him! I used to smoke Newports and drink Old English! I grew up on government cheese! I prefer it.

Now there’s all this stuff, and all this talk, about the pastor. Barack gotta stay away from the pastor, because he’s TOO black! But, just because he knows the dude, doesn’t think — doesn’t mean he’s gonna think like him. You know? Look, I have a friend that goes to strip clubs. That doesn’t mean that I’M gonna go to the strip club.

Seth Meyers: But… you do go to strip clubs.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, but I go for the girls! Not because my friend is going! I have integrity! Barack is qualified! Personally, I want to know what qualifies Hilary Clinton to be the next president? Is it because she was married to the president? If that were the case, then Robin Givens would be heavyweight champion of the world! If Hillary’s last name wasn’t Clinton, she’d be some crazy white lady with too much money and not enough lovin’! That’s where I come in. Now, I know women like that. You do NOT want them on the phone at three in the morning!

In conclusion, three weeks ago, my girl, Tina Fey — she came on this show, and she declared that “Bitch is the new Black.” And you know I love you, Tina. You know you’re my girl. But I have something to say: Bitch may be the new Black… but Black is the new president… bitch!

Seth Meyers: Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy Morgan: In da house!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Tracy. It’s always nice to have you back.

A new study has found that 17% of schoolchildren are already drinking alcohol by middle school. The remaining 83%? Still nerds.

Seth Meyers: Officials in Amsterdam now say that people can have sex in a city park, as long as it is limited to the evening hours or night and is not near the playground. Adding, “Ah what the heck — do it in the playground!”

A small Iowa town that is being overrun by stray cats has offered a five dollar bounty for each animal captured and turned in. It sounds like a job for “Actual Dog the Bounty Hunter.”

Amy Poehler: The CW is developing an updated version of the 1990’s hit show “Beverly Hills, 90210.” It’s called “One O.C. Gossip Tree Creek.”

Seth Meyers: Yesterday was Pi Day, which is celebrated by mathematicians because March 14th, or 3.14, is the value of pi. So, uh — yeah. I was pretty hungover this morning!

Amy Poehler: Poland’s Prime Minister, Donal Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish submarines.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Caller…..Will Forte
Kenny Ptusiak…..Jonah Hill

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: It’s The Suze Orman Show!

[ dissolve to Suze Orman ]

Suze Orman: Hello, my friends. I’m… Suze Orman! The first item on the docket today, I… HAVE… to tell ya, that no matter where I go, women… always… seem to ask me… the same… thing. It doesn’t matter if I’m on the Oprah show, or out… on the street… walking… my… cat. They ask me: “Suze… where… do… you… get… your… jackets?” Well, today… I’m… going to tell you! I get most of my jackets in Phoenix, Arizona, at a place called Joanne’s Phoenix Jacket Junction.

[ reveal photo of Orman standing in front of the shop with Joanne ]

Suze Orman: And that… is… Joanne. Now, I am… not… gonna lie: I spend 80% of my gross income on… my… jackets. Whether they be sparkly, studded, stained-glass, denim and leather, or courduroy animal print. You may say, “Suze… why… so… many… jackets, for bubble’s sake?” I am going to… tell you… right now! When I pass away, all of those jackets will be donated to homeless women… to wear… to dinner!

[ she smiles proudly ]

Moving on! And, now… it’s time where I tell you… if you… can afford it. Okay! Phil from Miami, what can I do you for?

Caller: Oh, well, I’m retired and pretty well off.

Suze Orman: Oh! Are you single?

Caller: Why, yes, I am.

Suze Orman: Are you a woman?

Caller: Nope.

Suze Orman: Well, then, Phil… you… can count… me… out! What are you… just dying… to buy?

Caller: Well, I would just love to go explore Europe this summer.

Suze Orman: Okay, Phil. Show me… the money.

Caller: Well, I have, uh — two million in savings, 100 million in stocks, and 20 million in retirement.

Suze Orman: Okay. And you… want… to go… to Europe. An unskilled financial advisor would look at your profile and say, “Arriverderci, Phil!” But, ohhhh no! Not… me! You want to see all of Europe? Fly to Florida, go… to Epcot Center! And bring your own Toblerone candy log… and carry it… in… your waist-purse. Did you ever think of that, Mr. Moneybags?

[ hang-up sound effect ]

Suze Orman: People! If you don’t hold on to the money you have now… life is gonna pull your pants down… and punch you… in… the moneybags. Okay? Sorrrrrry, my dear. But that’s… the way… the Toblerone… turns! And now, it’s time to meet a wonderful guest, who I think is SUCH a doll — his name… is Kenny… Ptusiak. Hi, Kenny!

[ reveal Kenny on split-screen ]

Kenny Ptusiak: Hi, Suze, I love your show.

Suze Orman: Thank you, my dear one. How… can I… help you?

Kenny Ptusiak: Well, in the late 90’s, my wife and I bought a house in a very bad neighborhood in L.A. And now, the area’s getting hot, and the value has gone up about 300%.

Suze Orman: Sounds pretty good so far! But I think… I’m about… to smell… a big… financial… garlic burn! [ she smiles enthusiastically ]

Kenny Ptusiak: Well… I took her out to a financial seminar, and they suggested we SELL the house… and buy a dilapidated hospital along the San Andreas Fault.

Suze Orman: [ shaking her head ] Kenny, why would you even consider this?

Kenny Ptusiak: I don’t know… Mainly, because I’ve always wanted to have a hospital.

Suze Orman: Kennnnny! Over my tan-faced, pale body… are you… to even THINK… about… going ahead… with… this… deal! It will RUIN your life, as well… as… your future!

Kenny Ptusiak: [ meekly ] I already did it…

Suze Orman: Kenny, you are… a full… tilt… dumb ass!

Kenny Ptusiak: [ speechless ]

Suze Orman: Listen, my little friends: if you’re not saving, you’re losing. Do what I do. I save money every day, and it’s really… quite… simple. I always bring my own food and drink in Ziploc bags wherever I go, even… to… restaurants! [ she holds up two Ziploc bags ] I only travel by crank-powered three-wheel bicycles. I make my own deodorant in my crockpot. And… my partner and I… live… in… my dressing room. Now… THAT’S… financial freedom!

Well! THAT… is… the show! I… am off… to court. I’m being sued by a woman who claims she was blinded… by the whiteness of my teeth at a stop light… and drove… straight into… a pond. Okay? And don’t forget, my little dear ones: people first, then money… then things… then jackets.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts