[Opens with a terrible early 80’s video production. A guy with a bad perm of curly red hair is sitting in his apartment playing a Casio synthesizer. He plays a sorry, lame electronic beat]
Caption: Clementine Daiquiri Girl Songs to Funk To Broadway Video Records
Clementine: [sings horribly] Daiquiri Girl, you’re my entire world…Daiquiri Groove, gonna make you move….
[All throughout the video Clementine and the Daiquiri girl with long curly red hair dance pathetically around the apartment holding Margarita glasses with red daiquiri in them, they toast. She occasionally blows kisses to the camera. Special effects are color faded split screens, weird angles and close-ups. Sometimes animated daiquiris appear, one in each corner of the screen]
Clementine: [sings] Daiquiri Girl, you’re made out of daiquiri, when I first met you you were not a daiquiri, then you went and had a scientific discovery….one part rum, two parts ice, three parts love, you are so nice…
[Caption words scroll up the screen]
Caption: We at Digital Shorts would like to apologize for this video. We pride ourselves on making quality work and recognize that this one’s just not up to par. In our defense we had a whole other video lined up with a famous musical act, but they bailed at the last minute. So we did what anyone would do in that situation. We got drunk.
Clementine: [sings] Daiquiri Girl, you are freaky, Daiquiri Dreams and I love you-u-u-u….
Caption: You know what though? Have you been watching this? It actually might be pretty good.
Clementine: [sings] I love you so much, drib, di, di, di, di, di, di-i–i-i-i-i, bleeop!
Caption: Nope. Still terrible.
Caption: But, you know what’s cool about working for SNL? The top brass here really “get it”. They don’t care if you fail, as long as you gave it your best effort. They certainly wouldn’t fire you for something that’s not your fault. Like if the stars of your video never showed up even though you had a verbal agreement, Gnarls Barkley. Once again, our deepest apologies. Please, enjoy the rest of “Daiquiri Girl”.
Clementine: [sings with arms up in the air] Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, Daiquiri Girl, oh,oh,oh,oh, o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!
Caption: Clementine Daiquiri Girl Songs to Funk To Broadway Video Records
Ashton Kutcher: Thank you to Gnarls Barkley! Cameron Diaz! My wife, Demi Moore! Thank, you guys! [ holds up sign ] Happy Birthday, Mom! I just want to say I love you! Thank you to the cast, the crew! Peace! Everyone, and… God… and everyone at home! Thank you all, thank you!
Deidre Nicks….Amy Poehler Toni Ward….Casey Wilson Jacqueline Seka….Kristen Wiig Kenneth….Kenan Thompson Kiki Deamore….Cameron Diaz Jaden….Ashton Kutcher
[Cougar roars]
Caption: The Cougar Den.[Show’s logo is scratched]
[TV studio with Cougar photos on the wall. Three over the age of 50 year old women dance with some difficulty to Santana’s hit song “Smooth”. They are all dressed in younger women’s clothes. The make-up looks too much on them.]
Announcer: It’s The Cougar Den with Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward And Jacqueline Seka.
All Three: Woo!, yeah!
[Music fades, they sit down on a couch]
Deidre: [deep voice] I love that song! Oh, wow! Hey there! Welcome to the Cougar Den. I’m Deidre and to my left is one of my best friends since I was 40, Jacqueline. And next to her is Toni. Toni, you look great.
Toni: [deep voice] I feel great.
Jacqueline: [deep voice] You look great too, Deidre.
[The threesome have deep voices]
Deidre: Really? I feel like my spray tan is too orangey.
Toni: No, its not a bad orangey.
Jacqueline: No, its orangey in a really great way.
Deidre: Oh, you guys are the best. So what did you do this weekend?
Jacqueline: I took my boyfriend Kobe to see “The Ruins” for his 22nd birthday.
Toni: I think we know what you did afterwards.
Jacqueline: Afterwards? Try during.
Deidre: You are one hot cougar, friend.
Jacqueline: Then later, I gave him a blow joy on my wicker fan chair.
Toni: Joy?
Jacqueline: Well, its certainly not a job.
Deidre: Ladies, Boniva break.
Toni: Oh, Boniva.
Jacqueline: [raises glass]To Sally Field.
Toni: [raises glass] And to strong bones
Deidre: Hear, hear.
[Deidre gives the pills to her cougar friends. They chase them down with some red liquor from their cocktail glasses]
Deidre: Oh, that’s tart.
Jacqueline: That’s very,very tart.
Toni: Why is this drink so tart?
Deidre: Kenneth, Kenneth? Why is this drink so tart?
[Kenneth is the show’s director. He’s an old black man wearing a headset mic, clipboard]
Kenneth: [angry] It’s a Tartini! Tartini’s are tart![turns his back]
Jacqueline and Toni: Thanks, Kenneth.
Deidre: Our first guest has written a book about the cougar lifestyle. Please welcome, Kiki Deamore.
Toni: Oh, Kiki.
[Kiki is a cougar with dirty blond hair, a big ass and wearing a feline tight-suit. Gloria Estefan’s “Rhythm is gonna get you” plays. The three cougar women dance with some difficulty and Kiki moves around provocatively]
Kiki: [Spanish accent] Well, chicas! Hola!
[Music fades. They all sit down]
Deidre: Oh, I’m tired. That wore me out, that wore me out. Kiki, you look great. Tell us about your new book.
Kiki: Its called “Pounce on it”.[holds book up] Its the older lady’s guide to bagging the younger mens.
Toni: That book is a gift.
Deidre: It is, it is. What made you write it?
Kiki: Well, I absolutely love…bagging…the younger mens.
Deidre: Absolutely. That’s why we’re cougars.
Kiki: I love to make them purrrrrr! But there are a lot of clueless ladies that don’t have the game. So I broke it down into 3 easy steps. OK. Step one: lighting. Ladies, stay away from the lights! Steer clear. Don’t even get into it!
Jacqueline: Don’t I know it.
Toni: Ladies, every light in my house has a silk scarf over it.
Kiki: Dos, a-two. Hit the bars at closing time. Or what I like to call “open season”.
Jacqueline: I met my current boyfriend at 1:50 a.m. at Bennigans. I drove him to his dorm and we’ve been together ever since.
Kiki: Someone has read the book! Ok! And last and this is muy importante. Be direct.
Deidre: You know, that’s what I do. I just walk up and say “Look, its not gonna be as gross as you think”.
Jacqueline: Keigel break!
Toni: Oh, Keigels.
[They all bounce lightly while sitting]
Toni: Kenneth, are you doing your Keigels?
Kenneth: [fed-up] Why? Why would I be doing Keigel exercises? You dusty old bags of stuff.
Deidre: So Kiki, I heard you brought your new boy biscuit.
Kiki: This is right! He was my tennis coach. And now, he is my little cougar cub.
Deidre: Bring him out. Please welcome, Jaden, everyone.
[Jaden is a twenty-something guy. He wears tennis shorts and shirt, bandanna. Kiki is all over him]
Kiki: Oh, Jaden![hugs him] He is so good! He is so good to me baby!
Deidre: Jaden, what is it like to date an older woman?
[Kiki hugs him fiercely. He pulls back a little]
Jaden: I love it.
Toni: We can see that.
Jacqueline: You guys can’t keep your hands off one another.
Deidre: So, what’s the attraction? The sex?
Jaden: Well, there’s so many reasons I prefer older women. Um, they usually have tricked out kitchens and sometimes they got those doughnut makers. Those are good. And, uh, the ex-husbands have been pretty cool so far, so.
Jacqueline: What else? Are they more satisfying sexually?
Jaden: Umm, let me see, umm, I also like how you can be all mean to them and they still buy you junk.[holds up a watch]
Deidre: Anything about how hot they are?
Jaden: Well, they’re kinda like your favorite pair of shoes.
Toni: Like a really sexy pair?
Jaden: No. Like a real comfortable worn-out pair.[to Kiki] What do you think, babe?
Kiki: Well, you guys have seen that he’s so cute! Isn’t he so cute? But beware! I’m marking my territory.[into Jaden’s ear] Let me hear you purr! Come on baby, purr! Come one, purr! Come on baby, purr! Purr!, purr!
Jaden: [not very convincing purrs] P-p-p-p-u-u-u-urr…
Deidre: Wow, that is good purring. Great purring. Cougar to cougar, you look great together. That’s all that matters, Kiki.
Jacqueline: Jaden and Kiki….
Toni: Together forever.
Jacqueline: Great.
Jaden: Actually, I don’t even think you guys are cougars.
Toni: I like that.
Jacqueline: Thank you.
Jaden: No, no, no. You’re more like….
Kenneth: Mountain goats?
[Silence and looks back and forth between Kenneth and the Cougar Den]
Deidre: Join us next year when we’re going to be doing our annual Barbara Hershey tribute.
Toni: Oh, I saw her down the street!
Jacqueline: How did she look?
Toni: Worried.
Jacqueline: Until next time we’ll be waiting for you on The Cougar Den.
[Santana’s “Smooth” plays. They get up and dance again with some difficulty.]
[ open on interior, hospital room, old lady lying in a coma ]
[ the Chocoate Bar appears in the door frame, and peeks in with a sadistic grin ]
[ the Chocolate Bar stands over the old lady’s body and smiles ]
Doctor’s Voice: Hey!
[ the Chocolate Bar looks up, as the Doctor appears in the door frame ]
Doctor: What are you doing? —
[ a bullet fires into the Doctor’s heart. He gurgles as he falls to the floor ]
[ reveal the Chocolate Bar pointing a gun ]
[ the Chocolate Bar lowers the gun and plants it in the hand of the old lady in a coma ]
[ as the Chocolate Bar turns to leave, he is suddenly inspired to wreak further mischief, and frantically rips the tubes apart from the old lady before running out of the hospital room ]
Jingle: “La la la, la-la-la-la, la la! Death By Chocolate!”
[ open on exterior, alley, as Homeless Bum digs in a dumpster ]
[ in the background, a Chocolate Bar saunters past the alley, then stops when he spies the homeless bum in the foreground and begins to casually strut toward him ]
[ the Chocolate Bar moves closer and peers over the homeless bum’s shoulder unnoticed ]
[ the Chocolate Bar turns around, smiles, then raises a knife ]
[ the Chocolate Bar suddenly stabs the homeless bum in the back several times, until he fells him to the grass ]
[ the Chocolate Bar quickly throws the knife into the distance, then turns around and runs off ]
Jingle: “La la la, la-la-la-la, la la! Death By Chocolate!”
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis Bill…..Bill Hader Will…..Will Forte Amie…..Ashton Kutcher
[ open on interior, barroom, as Jason, carrying bottles of beer, approaches table to rejoin Bill and Will ]
Jason: Anybody ready for another round?
Bill: Yeah!
Will: Yeah!
Amie: [ stepping up ] Hey, hey, hey, nice! You came through!
[ everyone happily grabs a bottle of beer ]
Amy: Gentlemen — for the next five songs, that jukebox is all ours!
[ the buddies clink their beer bottles together ]
Buddies: Alright! Whoo!
[ “Amie”, by the Pure Prairie League, begins to emanate from the jukebox ]
Jason: Perfect.
Bill: Great song.
Will: I love this!
Jason: Uh — uh — this is “Amie”, right? The song “Amie”?
Amie: Yeah, you noticed!
Will: I haven’t heard this osng in years.
Bill: It’s a classic!
Jason: Oh, man! You know, I just downloaded this last week! This song is the best! Hey, you know who this song reminds me of?
Amie: Amie.
Jason: No, no — Heather!
Bill: Hey, yeah — have things gotten better?
Jason: much better. I mean, you guys know we had that rough patch, what, like four months ago? Then, all of a sudden, things changed. You know? She’s so? laid-back now, and… she’s finally listening to me.
Will: [ smiles ] Well, that’s great.
Jason: Yeah! the SEX has been awesome! She doesn’t say no to anything any more! And, I gotta be honest — I actualy went out and looked at engagement rings last week.
Bill: [ impressed ] Man! You’re gonna ask her to marry you?
Jason: I think I will — right after she comes out of the coma.
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I do.”
Jason: [ gazing into his beer ] Man, oh man — I love being a doctor!
[ they all drink from their beers ]
Bill: You know you this song reminds me of/
Amie: Amie?
Bill: Nope — Connie Chung.
Jason: Mmm…
Bill: You guys know I have two fetishes — Asians, and broadcast journalists. So, in my mind, the name “Connie Chung” translates to “the perfect storm”.
Jason: [ clinking bottles with Amie ] Hurricane Connie!
Bill: Well, I’ve been writing her letters for years, then I finally got to meet her face-to-face. I’ll never forget it.
Jason: Oh, yeah? Wow! What’d she say?
Bill: It was great. She said, “You can keep the panties… just get the hell out of my shower before I call the cops!”
Jason: Yep!
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Bill: Great panties — they fit my face perfectly!
[ the buddies all smile ]
Will: Well… I’ll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No — Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, “I found out you’re a pedophile.” And I was, like, “A pedophile? A pedophile?! That’s a pretty big word for a ten year-old!”
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Will: [ scowls ] That little tattletale! Her mom broke up with me!
[ some of the buddies sip their beers ]
Amie: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of — that time I had that, uh, prostate scare. I had to get those estrogent treatments?
Bill: Mmm-hmm… yeah.
Amie: Yeah, the side effects were TERRIBLE! I had nausea, vomiting… I ballooned up to, like, 300 pounds!
Bill: Uh-huh… yeah.
Amie: I remember I was in the shower, washing myself with a loofah tied to the end of a stick?
Bill: Yeah.
Amie: That’s when I realized I had to make a change. I looked down, and I couldn’t even see my own vagina!
Jason: Oh, man…
Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ] “Amie, what you wanna do I think I could stay with you For a while, maybe longer if I — longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”
Amie: Yeah… you guys know I’m a chick, right?
Buddies: Oh, yeah, yeah… of course… yeah, yeah…
Amie: And you’re aware my name is “Amie”?
Buddies: [ as the realization hits ] Ohhhhhh!!
That’s why I picked this song!
Jason: I just got it! Oh, man, it’s good to finally see you guys again!
Will: Yeah, good times!
Buddies: Good times! Good times!
[ they all clink their beer bottles together ]
Amie: Good song!
Buddies: I love that song… yeah…
Amie: [ as he puts his bottle down ] So… you guys ready to do this?
Jason: Yeah, let’s do it!
[ they all reach below the table to pull out costumed hats, which make them look like the Village People ]
[ a disco ball lights up in the background, as “Y.M.C.A.” begins to blast from the jukebox and the four buddies dance to the music ]
Jamie Lee Curtis….Kristen Wiig Crystal Sprigg….Amy Poehler Michael Garret….Ashton Kutcher A.D. ….Bill Hader
[Opens on a TV studio floor. A stage resembling a nice living room]
Crystal Sprigg: Hi. How are you? Nice to see you. I’m Crystal Sprigg from Activia Yogurt.
Michael Garret: Oh, hi Crystal. I’m Michael Garret. I’m the director. I’m so excited to meet Jamie Lee Curtis. I’m such a fan of hers!
Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she’s a delight. A real straight shooter. Did you see her on “Oprah”?
Michael Garret: Oh, yes, totally! Did you see her on the cover of AARP magazine? Oooh!
Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she looked amazing. What an inspiration. It is so refreshing to see a 50 year old woman comfortable with her body.
Michael Garret: Yes, definitely.
[Jamie Lee Curtis appears eating an Activia yogurt. She wears a blue jean shirt, has short haircut, gray hair]
Jamie Lee Curtis: Hi, guys! Mind if I take my shoes off?
Crystal Sprigg: Hey, Jamie Lee.
Michael Garret: Jamie Lee.
Jamie Lee Curtis: I got to tell you. I cannot stop eating this Activia yogurt!
Crystal Sprigg: That’s so awesome! That’s what we love to hear!
Jamie Lee Curtis: So, where do you want me?
Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie, let’s just jump on this couch. [Jamie Lee and Michael sit on the couch. Jamie Lee is barefoot on the couch] Ah, you know, make yourself comfortable. Because this is all about you being you.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, do you want my top on or off?
Crystal Sprigg:[confused] You can keep your top on.
Michael Garret: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Its just a yogurt commercial, so we’re good.
Jamie Lee Curtis: ‘Cause when I was on the cover of AARP magazine they were like “are you sure you don’t mind putting on a bathing suit?” and I was like “hell, I’ll take my top off and I’ll take my bottoms off” and I did. And they said “good for you, Jamie Lee” and I said “damn right good for me! I’m getting older and I look good and proud of it!
Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie Lee. Should we….should we try one?
Jamie Lee Curtis:[eating yogurt] Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, if I was 21 and doing this commercial I would have been all about what I look like. Now I’m like, hell yeah! I’ll sit on this couch and eat this yogurt that makes you crap.
Michael Garret: Ok,ok. Here we go. Let’s roll camera.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, I killed this one, guys. Can I get another Activia?
Michael Garret: Oh, yes. Absolutely, let’s make that happen.
Crystal Sprigg: We love your enthusiasm, Jamie Lee!
Jamie Lee Curtis: I love your product!
[She gets another yogurt]
Michael Garret: Great.
[A.D appears ready to set the scene and shoot it]
A.D.: Jamie Lee, Activia. Take one. [clack!]
Michael Garret: And, action!
[Gentle theme music plays. On the top bottom of the screen there is the Dannon logo. On the bottom the Activia logo. Jamie Lee sits casually on the couch, feet up, barefoot]
Jamie Lee Curtis: First, the bad news. 87% of women suffer from digestive issues like ocassional irregularity. Now the good news–
[Jamie Lee freezes. Eyes wide open. Chin trembles. Left eye closes a bit]
Crystal Sprigg: You…, you ok Jamie Lee?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yep, yep. I’m good. Just give me one second. Ok. I’m good. Are we still rolling?
Michael Garret: Yes, ma’am.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Now the good news. I just discovered Activia yogurt. And even better news it tastes—
[Jamie Lee freezes again. She stares wide-eyed at the floor]
Michael Garret: Uh, ok, all right. That’s a cut.
Crystal Sprigg: Jamie Lee, are you ok?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Yes, hell yeah! In fact, I am great. And I’ll tell you something else, when I was 18, 19, 20 years old I would have been afraid to say this but not now. I just pooped in my pants.
[Michael and Crystal are embarrased. Jamie Lee keeps gulping down the yogurt]
Michael Garret: Oh, no. Ummm…
Jamie Lee Curtis: No, no, no, no. I’m good, I’m good. And you know what else? I’m proud of it! I’ve eaten over 16 Activia yogurts today and I plan to eat at least 4 more. Pooped my pants as an older woman! Proud of it!
Crystal Sprigg: So, do you want to go to the dressing room?
Jamie Lee Curtis: Why, why would I do that? And make all these good people wait around? No way! When I was younger, a poop in my pants in a commercial shoot would have been embarrassing. But not now! I’m proud of it! Let’s go!
A.D.: Jamie Lee. Activia, take two.[clack!]
Michael Garret: Ok, uh, action!
Jamie Lee Curtis: First the bad news. 87% of women—I’m sorry, can we cut?
Michael Garret: Cut, cut!
Jamie Lee Curtis: You know what? I made mistake. I think I need to go to my trailer.
Michael Garret: Ok, all right, everybody. That’s it. Let’s take 10.
Jingle: Activia!
[Michael helps Jamie Lee stand up from the couch. She puts a hand on her butt and walks away from the set]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 12th, 2008 Ashton Kutcher Gnarls Barkley None Demi Moore Cameron Diaz General Petraeus Report on IraqSummary: General David Petraeus (Will Forte) reports on proceedings in Iraq, then criticizes the books written by John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) while praising the one written by Barack Obama (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama.
Montage
Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Having recently produced shows like “Punk’d” and “Beauty & The Geek”, Ashton Kutcher takes this new role seriously enough to wander backstage to make helpful suggestions to SNL’s staff. First Hosted: 02r.
The Cougar DenSummary: Older gal pals Deidre Nicks (Amy Poehler), Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) comment about their college-aged boyfriends before introducing a fellow cougar, Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), and the young stud (Ashton Kutcher) she keeps within her clutches. Recurring Characters: Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore. Transcript
Outside the NightclubSummary: Ashton Kutcher assumes his prominence as a celebrity will get him right into a hip new nightclub, but the bouncer (Kenan Thompson) forces him to wait outside with gawky Oliver (Fred Armisen) while allowing more questionable patrons immediate access. Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A video performance of “Daiquiri Girl” by Clementine is supposedly substandard fare only because musical guest Gnarls Barkley backed out of participating in a Digital Short at the last minute. Transcript
Activia Commercial ShootSummary: During a commercial shoot for Activia Yogurt, Jamie Lee Curtis (Kristen Wiig) can’t get enough of the product, nor can she stop pooping in her pants because of it. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by constantly kidding around; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events. Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.
“Amie”Summary: While in a bar, the sounds of “Amie” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bill Hader, Ashton Kutcher). Recurring Characters: Buddies. Transcript
Death By ChocolateSummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) stabs a homeless bum in the back. Transcript
The Mellow ShowSummary: Laid-back singer/songwriter Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) welcomes fellow casuals Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) and John Mayer (Ashton Kutcher) to his talk show. Recurring Characters: Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Boyd Tinsley, John Mayer.
Death By Chocolate IISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) shoots a doctor (Jason Sudeikis), then plants the gun on a coma patient before pulling her plugs. Transcript
Gnarls Barkley performs “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”
Dusty VelvetSummary: Paraplegic stripper Dusty Velvet (Casey Wilson) relies on assistance from the club emcee (Ashton Kutcher) to perform her erotic moves. Transcript
Death By Chocolate IIISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) kills Andy Samberg with a chainsaw in his quick-change booth. Transcript
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Thomas Beatie…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.
Amy Poehler: Hillary Clinton’s campaign, on Friday, released her joint tax returns, showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most of that comes from Bill Clinton’s speaking engagements, book royalties, and stud fees.
The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died.
Seth Meyers: Hillary Clinton, on Tuesday, said she is not a quitter, and compared herself to Rocky Balboa — the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender, who, despite a herculean effort, is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy!
In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration, on Monday, proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all banking transactions now begin with: “Pick a card.”
Amy Poehler: Sen. John Edwards said this week that he would not consider accepting a nomination for vice-president, adding: [ whispering ] “Yes, I would.”
Employers, who are concerned about a possible recession, cut 80,000 jobs in March, the most in five years. “This is an absolute dream come true!” said Doug Wentworth, a man who eats homeless people.
Seth Meyers: People in Cuba snatched up DVD players, pressure cookers, and other appliances on Tuesday, as a variety of consumer products went on sale for the first time. Unfortunately, this is causing massive lines at Cuba’s outlet.
After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, “Five times to my face he said he would never do that.” Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What’s that like?
[ suddenly, pregnant man homas Beatie enters the set ]
Thomas Beatie: It’s me, Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man who was on “Oprah”, because I’m pregnant — and a man.
[ Thomas purposely tries to stand in profile, so as to accentuate the baby in his womb ]
Amy Poehler: Right. Hi, Thomas, how are you?
Seth Meyers: It’s good to see you.
Amy Poehler: What’s up?
Thomas Beatie: Nothing’s up! It’s just that I’m having a baby shower for this little miracle rolling around on top of my prostate.
Seth Meyers: [ with great disinterest ] Uh-huh.
Thomas Beatie: And I wanted you two… to be there. [ he gently places two invitations on the news desk ]
Amy Poehler: Oh.
Seth Meyers: Really? [ he laughs ] So you’re having a baby shower?
Thomas Beatie: Yeah… and you two HAVE to come. It’s going to be like any other dude’s baby shower —
Amy Poehler: Okay…
Thomas Beatie: The game will be on, we’ll open presents, and there’ll be beers in the icebox for all the bros not carrying little hos!
Amy Poehler: Well, that can be fun.
Thomas Beatie: Seth?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don’t know.
Thomas Beatie: Come on, dude. Did I mention the stripper?
Seth Meyers: Nnnnno.
Thomas Beatie: Did I mention she’s also pregnant?
[ Seth is disgusted ]
Thomas Beatie: It’s a celebration of life!
Seth Meyers: Uh — [ turns to look at Thomas ] Stop turning back and forth, you’re creeping me out! [ Thomas continues to do so anyway ] It’s just that, um — [ turns again ] We get it, you’re pregnant! You don’t have to constantly be in profile, you’re pregnant! It’s just, um — and I don’t mean any offense here, Pregnant Guy — [ he laughs ] I find this whole thing a little weird!
Thomas Beatie: Look, Seth — I understand my situation’s unconventional. But, in the end, all I’m doing is making a baby. Hey — you want to feel my stomach?
Seth Meyers: [ relunctantly ] Yeah, alright… okay… [ he touches Thomas’ stomach ] Oh, my God! I just felt a kick!
Thomas Beatie: No, that’s my dong.
Seth Meyers: [ removes his hand ] Awwwww…
Thomas Beatie: See you at the shower!
[ Thomas exits the set ]
Amy Poehler: The pregnant man — Thomas Beatie, everyone. THank you, Pregnant Man.
In an interview in Vanity Fair magazine, Madonna criticizes New York City, saying that it “doesn’t feel alive, crackling with that synergy” in had in the 1980s. Said New York City: “Right back atcha!”
According to a new study, the number of female hunters between the ages of 6 and 15 has increased 50 percent in recent years. Thanks, in large part, to the magazine “Guns & Ammo & Gossip & Shoes & Boys.”
Seth Meyers: Scientists have discovered a fish that crawls instead of swims and has forward-looking eyes, which they believe is an entirely unknown family of fish. But, then, after taking a second look — yeah, that’s a squirrel.
A German priest has developed a plan to help his parishioners relax from the stress of everyday life, by having them lie in an open grave. And, once again, Germany has managed to out-German itself.
Amy Poehler: Larry King, this week, was asked by the umpire to leave his son’s Little League baseball game. Partly because of his behavior, and partly because his son is 81 years old.”
A 43-year-old sand tiger shark died this week at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island, where it has spent the last forty years in captivity — tragically, for a rape it never committed.
Seth Meyers: A new study shows that people with a large potbelly are at an increasedrisk for dementia in their later years. So don’t be shocked if Santa brings you a carrot on Flag Day.
According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is “Max”, while the least popular is “Osama bin Sniffen.”
Amy Poehler: New York State is considering doubling its cigarette tax to $3, which would make the cost of a pack of cigarettes in New York City almost $9. Said smokers, “Oh-my-god-that’s-outrageous-okay-we’ll-pay-it!”
Researchers say they have found the earliest known gold jewelry made in the Americas, in a burial site in southern Peru. The researchers say this is the strongest evidence yet for the existence of “Cave Guidos.”
Seth Meyers: The Chinese Olympic Committee has published a new list of banned drugs, which include turtle blood, root potions, and deer penis. Wait! So I did see Roger Clemens going down on a deer!
[ Seth holds his hand to his chin and ponders the thought for an extended moment ]
Amy Poehler: [ pointing at the camera on the two-shot ] Would you like to?
Seth Meyers: Give me one second… [ he finally breaks his pose ] For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
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