Arcade Fire: [ singing ] “Every night my dream’s the same Same old city with a different name Men are coming to take me away I don’t know why, but I know I can’t stay.
There’s a weight that’s pressing down Late at night you can hear the sound Even the noise you make when you sleep Can’t swim across a river so deep They know my name ’cause I told it to them But they don’t know where and they don’t know When it’s coming, when it’s coming.
There’s a fear I keep so deep Knew its name since before I could speak Aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaaah They know my name ’cause I told it to them But they don’t know where and they don’t know When it’s coming, oh when but it’s coming.
Keep the car running.
If some night I don’t come home Please don’t think I’ve left you alone The same place animals go when they die You can’t climb across a mountain so high The same city where I go when I sleep You can’t swim across a river so deep They know my name ’cause I told it to them But they don’t know where And they don’t know When it’s coming, oh when is it coming?
Keep the car running Keep the car running Keep the car running.”
Arcade Fire: [ singing ] “The king’s taken back the throne The useless seed is sown When they say they’re cutting off the phone I tell ’em you’re not home.
No place to hide You were fighting as a soldier on their side You’re still a soldier in your mind Though nothing’s on the line.
You say it’s money that we need As if we’re only mouths to feed I know no matter what you say There are some debts you’ll never pay.
Working for the Church while your family dies You take what they give you and you keep it inside Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home Hear the solider groan, “We’ll go at it alone.”
I can taste the fear Lift me up and take me out of here Don’t wanna fight, don’t wanna die Just wanna hear you cry.
Who’s gonna throw the very first stone? Oh! Who’s gonna reset the bone? Walking with your head in a sling Wanna hear the solider sing: “Been working for the Church while my family dies Your little baby sister’s gonna lose her mind Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home.” Hear the soldier groan, “We’ll go at it alone.
I can taste your fear It’s gonna lift you up and take you out of here And the bone shall never heal I care not if you kneel.
We can’t find you now But they’re gonna get the money back somehow And when you finally disappear Wishing you were never here.
(Win Butler begins to break guitar strings)
Working for the church while your life falls apart Singing halleluiah with the fear in your heart Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home Hear the solider groan, “We’ll go at it alone.” Hear the solider groan, “We’ll go at it alone.””
(Butler smashes his guitar against the stage, as the audience applauds and the show fades)
…..Rainn Wilson …..Kristen Wiig …..Jason Sudeikis Karen…..Rashida Jones …..Kenan Thompson …..Amy Poehler …..Lorne Michaels
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Rainn Wilson!
Rainn Wilson: Yeah! Awright! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank so much! Thank you! Okay, great! Thanks so much! Hi there, my name’s Rainn Wilson, but, uh, many of you know me as, uh, Dwight Shrute from NBC’s “The Office.” [audience cheers ] Good.. good.. great! Gosh, I tell you, it is so exciting to be back in New York. you know, I used to be a stage actor here, and, uh, I remember dreaming about being in show business and now I’m lucky enough to be an actor. And to get the THRILL, the glamour, of going to work every day.. at an office. Sitting in a cubicle under flourescant lights, answering phones, but.. you know what? “SNL” is NOTHING like “The Office.” It’s more of what I thought show business was really like. You know – different sets, lots of costumes and lights — it’s crazy! You know what? Let me show you around a little bit.
[ steps off stage and heads between the audience, pointing upward ]
Look – we’ve got a boom with a mike on the end. [ glances at an audience member ] How ya’ doin’? [ grabs at the camera focused on him ] Look – a big camera on a crane! Fantastic! [ steps into a backstage area behind the bleacher seating ] Uh, what have we got here – some pages, some union guys – hey, look at this – scaffolding! It’s fantastic. You see, it’s NOTHING like “The Office.”
[ Wilson opens a door to a backstage hallway, which leads into a pre-filmed bit ]
Rainn Wilson: Oh – hey, Kristen.
[ pan over to reveal Kristen Wiig, dressed and posed identically as Pam from “The Office”, on the phone ]
Kristen Wiig: “Saturday Night.” I’ll put you through.
Rainn Wilson: Wow – I didn’t know you answered phones.
Kristen Wiig: Yeah. I do a lot of things: answer phones, and.. paint pictures. [ the camera zooms in on Kristen’s frown and her hand drawing of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Rainn Wilson: Hmm.. wow. This sounds so.. familiar. [ glances across the hall ] Jason! How you doin’?
[ camera pans over to Jason at the opposite wall, who is dressed as Jim from “The Office” ]
Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Rainn.
Rainn Wilson: So, uh.. Jason, what are you up to?
Jason Sudeikis: Just.. filing my monthly invoices.
Rainn Wilson: [ confused ] What – what – what are you talking about? Why are you at a desk?
Jason Sudeikis: I’m always at a desk.
Rainn Wilson: No, you’re not!
Jason Sudeikis: [ exasperated, leans back in his chair and folds his arms ] Okay. [ camera zooms in as he smirks at the camera ]
Rainn Wilson: Wait! You just — you just looked at the camera!
Jason Sudeikis: [ shakes his head ] No, I didn’t. [ rolls his eyes at the camera ]
Rainn Wilson: No! you just did it again! You’re looking at the camera! He looked at the camera, didn’t he, Kristen?!
Kristen Wiig: I didn’t see anything. [ the camera zooms in on her face as well ]
Rainn Wilson: Now you’re doing it! Okay.. you know what? This is — okay, this is not right. This is not the way it was in rehearsal. [ begins to walk down a corridor ] A very weird deja vu thing happening — [ he passes Rashida Jones, as Karen, at a file cabinet ]
Karen: Hey, Dwight.
Rainn Wilson: Oh.. hey, Karen.. [ continues down the hall, more confused ] Okay, that’s weird.. [ stops in front of Kenan Thompson, who’s dressed as Stanley from “The Office” ] Kenan. Can you please tell me what is going on here?
Kenan Thompson: I do not know.. and I do not care. [ steps away from Wilson ]
Rainn Wilson: Okay. No help there. [ turns his head toward the other end of the hall ] Oh, thank God! Amy’s here, she’s going to explain this to me. [ stops in front of Amy Poehler, who is dressed as Angela from “The Office” ] What’s going on, Amy?
Amy Poehler: [ prudishly ] Oh. Hello, Rainn. [ covers her file folder over her chest ]
Rainn Wilson: [ professionally ] Hello. How are you?
Amy Poehler: [ a beat ] Fine.
Rainn Wilson: You look very pretty tonight.
Amy Poehler: Thank you. You’ve done a very good job this week.
Rainn Wilson: Thank you. Are you going to the after party?
Amy Poehler: I don’t think so. But I will be at the W Hotel in Room 1450. [ whispers ] And I’m not wearing any stockings. [ triumphantly steps away ]
Rainn Wilson: [ grins sheepishly at the camera, until he catches himself ] Wait! What am I doing?! This is — Lorne! [ walks over towards Lorne Michaels, who’s leaning over a water cooler ] Hey, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Hello, Rainn.
Rainn Wilson: Listen — wh-what is going on? It seems like everybody is acting like this is “The Office.” Is that supposed to be funny?
Lorne Michaels: [ in his best Michael Scott tone ] Funny. Ask me what the most important thing in comedy is.
[ the camera zooms in on the two men ]
Rainn Wilson: What’s the most important thing in —
Lorne Michaels: Timing. [ turns to face the camera with a smirk ]
[ cut to a personal interview headshot of Lorne in his office ]
Lorne Michaels: Am I a funny boss? Maybe you should ask this coffee mug. [ holds up a coffee mug which reads: “World’s Funniest Boss” ] When I saw this at the store, I just had have it! [ grins ]
[ cut back to Wilson, live at Home Base ]
Rainn Wilson: Okay, I don’t know what just happened, but.. you know.. we’re gonna have a GREAT show for you tonight! ARCADE FIRE IS HERE!! Yeah!! So stick around, we’ll be right back!!
Neil…..Will Forte Jean…..Kristen Wiig Oliver…..Rainn Wilson
[open on exterior of office building]
[dissolve to interior office]
Neil: And, uh, this is the copy machine. It’s, uh, where we do the lion’s share of our copying.
Jean: It’s a really great machine. It uses lasers.
Neil: Yeah. Just take your document and place the side that you’d like to copy face-down on the glass. [he takes a piece of paper from on top of the copier and places it on the glass as described]
Jean: It’s got to be face-down, or the copy is liable to end up blank.
Neil: Once it’s, uh, positioned on the glass, you close the lid and press the green button.
Jean: The rule of thumb that I use to remember its function is that it’s just like a traffic light. Green means “copy go” and red means “copy stop.”
Neil: Yes. It also has the words “copy start” and “copy stop” written on the respective buttons, and that seems to be a fairly effective failsafe.
Oliver: Neil, Jean, thank you so much for showing me around. I’d be absolutely lost today without your help.
Jean: Neil, why don’t we show him the ball-point pens?
Neil: That’s a great idea, Jean. [he takes a pen from a box on a shelf] Oliver, say you want to make a letter or a number, okay? Just remove the pen cap [he does so] and touch the ink-laden portion of the pen to any kind of paper source. [he picks up a paper pad and starts to demonstrate]
Oliver: Oh, I hate to interrupt, um, but I am quite aware of how to use a pen. [Jean chuckles] Oh, wait a minute…
Neil: Welcome to the office, new guy.
Jean: You’ve been hazed.
Oliver: [chortles extendedly] That was really fun. Thank you. That was hysterical.
Neil: Now, if you’re going to work in this office, you’ll need a pretty high threshold for tomfoolery.
Oliver: I am beginning to get the picture.
Jean: Well, let me know when you get it. I know a great frame store.
[Neil, Oliver, and Jean laugh]
Oliver: That is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life.
Jean: Oliver, thank you!
Oliver: But all of this laughter has made my throat as dry as an Airzona driveway.
Neil: Well, then, let’s go to the water cooler.
[they walk across the room to the cooler]
Jean: Spent a lot of time around this little water cooler.
Neil: Do you know that in olden times, [Jean gets some water in a paper cup] before the water cooler was invented, people had to get their water [Oliver gets some water in a paper cup] from a pond or an aqueduct? That’s interesting finformation. [Neil gets some water in a paper cup]
Jean: That’s odd. This water tastes different.
Neil: Jean, I don’t notice a difference.
Jean: Well, I’m quite sure it’s warmer than usual. Possibly five degrees worth.
Oliver: Five degrees, are you sure?
Jean: I would swear on a stack of Bible books.
Neil: Jean, that’s the Lord’s message!
Jean: Oh, sorry, Neil, but–mess it–how am I supposed to take my fish oil pill?
Oliver: Fish oil pill? I take a daily shark cartilege pill!
Neil: Well, it looks like you guys have found common ground in fish-based pills. Oliver, I’m sure that you and I will soon find something in common, too. [puts his hand briefly on Oliver’s shoulder]
Jean: What are we gonna do about the water temperature?
Neil: What if the two of you were to cool your water with some ice? There are some cubes left over from Friday’s Pepsi party.
Jean: Oh, I don’t know.
Neil: Relax, Jean. Just add one cube at a time until you hit your desired temperature, five degrees cooler than it is right now.
Jean: Well, how will I know when that is?
Oliver: I always use my finger as a thermometer.
Jean: Oh, I’m not going to drink my water after my finger’s been in there.
Oliver: Oh.
Neil: Just clean your fingers first.
Jean: Well, with what? I can’t use soap; my water will taste soapy.
Oliver: Well, as it happens, I always carry a flask of grain alcohol. [he produces the flask] Maybe we can use that.
Neil: That certainly would kill a lot of germs. But, Jean, would you object to having the taste of grain alcohol in your water?
Jean: Well, it’s certainly better than soap.
Oliver: Well, then, it’s settled.
Jean: I have an idea. Why don’t we bypass the water completely and use the grain alcohol to wash down our pills?
Neil: Jean, you’re like an idea machine today.
Oliver: All right, bottoms up!
[Oliver pours the alcohol into the paper cups]
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances from 9:30 to 11:00 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]
Neil: And then, once that operation is complete, I will officially be a woman. Oliver, you and I will be married in a small ceremony. But I still won’t be able to carry a child. That’s where Jean comes in. Jean would take…
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 12:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]
Oliver: And after the baby is born, we’ll sell it for money to open up a pornography store. And with the earnings from that pornography store, we’ll buy all the meth that we can get our hands on. And then…
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 1:50 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil all naked and pixillated from the waist up]
Jean: You just place the paper in the hole puncher, line it up, and you just press down. [she does so]
Oliver: Hmmm.
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 3:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil now clothed as before]
Neil: And with those latex molds, we can make hundreds, maybe thousands of penises.
Oliver: Well, I think this is going to be a very fruitful working relationship.
Neil: Oh, well, look at that. It’s quitting time already.
Jean: Wait, before we leave, what time is the murder tomorrow?
Neil: Well, I was thinking about doing it on our lunch break. But we only get a half of one hour.
Oliver: A half of one hour? How can we possibly eat and still have time to strangle Caroline at reception?
Jean: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America. It’s a problem.
Rainn Wilson: Alright! Thanks to Arcade Fire! [ reaches his arms back to grab: ] Rashida Jones! Everybody, I had a blast! Hey – check out “The Last Mimsy”, comes out next month! I love everybody here!! [ hugs Rashida Jones, as Arcade Fire runs off stage ]
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis Rainn…..Rainn Wilson Will…..Will Forte Bill…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, barroom, Bill and Will sitting at a table as Jason approaches with beer bottles in his arms ]
Jason: First round’s on ME, boys!
The Boys: Alright! Awesome!
Jason: Yeah, I was gonna get some fancy microbrews, but then I just went with, uh, you know, some cheap stuff for old time’s sake!
The Boys: Right on! Right on!
[ Rainn approaches the table from the jukebox ]
Rainn: Hey, I hope you guys don’t mind – I threw a couple of bucks in the jukebox!
The Boys: Great! Great! Good! Right on!
Will: Hey! [ toasts his bottle ] To the best friends I’ve ever had!
[ they all clink their bottles together, then begin drinking as “Danny’s Song” pots up from the jukebox ]
Jason: Oh, man! I LOVE this song!
The Boys: Awww, me, too! Yes! Classic!
Jason: I remember the first time I heard it: I was nine years old, and my folks were driving me home from the emergency room.
Bill: Oh, oh – what happened?
Jason: Well, it’s kind of embarassing, but, in the fourth grade, my class went on a field trip to a petting zoo. And I had a little incident that ended with my — me, you know, getting bitten – on the penis. Right through my pants!
Rainn: Oh, God! That’s terrible.
Jason: Aw, that’s alright. They found the guy that did it.
[ the boys begin to sing as the jukebox hits the chorus ]
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Jason: That was the last time I saw my uncle!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Bill: You know what this song reminds me of?
Jason: What?
Bill: My dad. He loved this song. I remember we had this one great day at the park — we used to have so much fun. He was running in the grass, and chasing squirrels. They had this fountain, and we threw pennies in it for hours.
Will: Wow!
Bill: It was so great! The first day I ever thought to myself, “Just I have a Dad,” and not, “I have a Dad with Down’s Syndrome.”
[ the boys nod, as the jokebox hits the chorus once again ]
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Bill: He loved crayons!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Will: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of.
Jason: [ chuckles ] Oh, here we go!
Will: The time I became an arsonist.
Jason: Yep! What’d I tell ya’?
Will: I was standing outside that burning building, embracing the powerful heat of the all-consuming flame, when a car drove by playing this very song.
Rainn: [ stunned ] No way!
Will: [ smiles ] I know! It was so crazy! And all I kept thinking was, “God! If they ever find out I did this, I will never be able to teach at this grade school again.”
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Will: You know what’s flammable? Fingerpaint!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Rainn: Yeah, I gotta say this song brings back a memory for me, too.
Bill: Uh-oh! This guy!
Rainn: I was having anonymous sex in the bathroom stall of a Bennigan’s at the Newark Airport? and I was standing inside this shopping bag – so, if the cops looked under the stall, it would appear as though there was only one pair of legs under there.
Will: ???
Rainn: And this song started playing over the PA! And I couldn’t help it! I laughed so hard, that the other guy’s PEE came out of my nose!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Rainn: THE GUY’S PEE CAME OUT OF MY NOSE!!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Jason: Man! Music is the CLOSEST thing we have to a time machine!
Bill: It sure is!
Rainn: It brings back a LOT of memories!
Will: To memories!
The Boys: [ as they clink their bottles and sip ] Memories!
Rainn: [ sighs ] So – you guys ready to do this?
Jason: Let’s go!
[ they all remove guns from the inside pocket of their jackets, adjust the cartridges, then scream for everyone in the bar to surrender to them ]
[ the opening theme from “Pulp Fiction” pots up, as the words “The End” rise up and zoom in just like the main title from the film ]
Harpist…..Rainn Wilson Tracey…..Kristen Wiig Naseem…..Kenan Thompson Kendra…..Maya Rudolph Josiah…..Fred Armisen
[open on recording studio, with five musicians playing: Josiah on a keyboard, Kendra on a pan flute, on a harp, Naseem on chimes, and Tracey on djembes]
[music ends]
Harpist: Great jam, guys. Really good work.
Tracey, Naseem, Kendra, and Josiah: [mumbled, overlapping] Thank you.
Harpist: And I just want to say [pushes back hair on both sides] that I know we were all a little upset about losing the New Age Grammy to Enya again, but hey, you know what? [pushes back hair on right side] Riverbliss has never been about awards, right? And I just want to say that after we lost, I know there was some pretty angry talking behind people’s backs. Naseem, I know you were very critical about Tracey. [Naseem and Tracey look angrily at each other and then away] And Kendra, you were vocal about your problems with Naseem. And everyone came to me to complain about Josiah. [pushes back hair on right side] But I have to say, it feels like the positive energy is back, and I just love it. You know, I think this is really going to be Riverbliss’ year. So let’s move on with “Lunarscape.” And 2, 3, 4, and…
[the musicians play]
Tracey: Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. [music stops] Sorry, I just wanted to remind Naseem that we’re actually playing for real now.
Naseem: I know that.
Tracey: Oh, it just seemed like you were fooling around.
Kendra: Yeah, me, too.
Josiah: Yeah, because you do that. A lot.
Naseem: I was not fooling around. I always take rehearsal very seriously.
Tracey: If that’s true, why does Enya have my Grammy?!
Harpist: Okay, okay, Tracey, look, look, we lost the Grammy; we need to get past that. And I have been in a lot of New Age bands. And let me tell you that once they start infighting, it is over. Okay, so let’s do “Crystal Breezes,” but maybe pick it up in the middle. And 3, 4, 5, and…
[the musicians play while Kendra glares and Naseem and Tracey seethe at each other]
Naseem: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, [music stops] can we stop for a second? Should we maybe take a break so that Kendra can tune her flute?
Kendra: Um, it’s a pan flute, and it’s in tune, Naseem.
Naseem: Really? Well, in that case, I need to make an appointment with my ear doctor, because that hurt my ears.
Kendra: Oh, great chime playing, by the way. It’s so amazing how you can do what the wind can do.
Naseem: I hate your face!
Harpist: Okay! Okay. Okay. [pushes back hair on both sides] You know what I think will bring us around? “Dewey Petals.” So let’s take “Dewey Petals” from somewhere near the end. Ready, and, 2, 3, 4…
[the musicians play while Kendra, Naseem, and Tracey make angry faces]
Josiah: Wait, stop! Stop! [music stops] Tracey, uh, is that what you’re gonna play? Because I have a little something that sounds really good with that.
Harpist: Oh, that’s good. This is good. It’s called collaboration.
Josiah: Yeah. This sounds just like what you sound like. [he hits a button and produces a sound of flatulence]
Tracey: Very mature, Josiah.
[flatulent sound]
Harpist: Josiah, are you done? [flatulent sound] Guys! [flatulent sound] Okay, okay, what do you say we just take a band field trip to the Crystal Stone?
Naseem: I got an idea. Why don’t you buy the biggest crystal that they have and shove it right up your–
Harpist: Naseem! Don’t say something you don’t mean!
Naseem: Oh, I mean it, and I will do it myself
Harpist: I see. Well, then, let me say something. I am so tired [pushes back hair on both sides] of carrying this band on my back! Okay, anyone who wants to fight me, bring it on! I am ready! Bring it on! [assumes martial arts pose]
Tracey: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just want to remind everyone that we only have the studio for nine more hours.
Harpist: I know that! There’s a clock on the wall! I know how much time we have in the studio, okay?! Okay, God, you know what I need to do? I need to take all this energy and I just need to channel it into a jam on my harp. So I invite anyone who wants to, to join along with me. [he sits at his harp and begins to play gentle music while snarling angrily] Augh! Ugh! Yeah! Feel it! [other musicians join in] Oh, I tell you something. If I were Enya, I would be worried about next year.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 24th, 2007 Rainn Wilson Arcade Fire None Rashida Jones Lorne Michaels The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Darrell Hammond) tries to maintain CNN’s integrity as a news leader in spite of endless crawl reports focused on the death of Anna Nicole Smith. Even correspondent Andrew (Rainn Wilson) trades in his integrity to follow a false lead on the Smith story. Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Larry King.
Montage
Rainn Wilson’s MonologueSummary: Rainn wilson insists that “Saturday Night Live” is nothing like “The Office”, though a walk backstage among cast members mimicking characters from his show proves otherwise. Bio: Rainn Wilson (1968-). Actor; co-stars as Dwight Shrute on the American version of “The Office”; married to author Holiday Reinhorn. Bio: Rashida Jones (1976-). Actress/musician; daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton; appears as Karen on “The Office”. Transcript
Danny’s SongSummary: While in a bar, the sounds of “Danny’s Song” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Rainn Wilson, Bill Hader, Will Forte, Jason Sudeikis). Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Corporate head (Rainn Wilson) leans to his collection of bizarre staff members for suggestions on how to cut costs within the organization. Transcript
NunisSummary: The home of Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) is almost profiled in Architectural Digest. Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni. Transcript
Peeping TomSummary: A perverted peeping tom (Rainn Wilson) is the only witness to a crime, but he can’t identify the killer from a police line-up without using his own creepy tactics. Transcript
Arcade Fire performs “Intervention”Bio: Indie rock band from Canada; members are: husband-and-wife team Win Butler and Régine Chassagne, and Richard Reed Parry, William Butler, Tim Kingsbury, Sarah Neufeld, Jeremy Gara. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Judge Larry Seidlin (Fred Armisen) comments on his loony sense of logic in the Anna Nicole Smith custody trial. Amy Poehler’s Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) weighs in on this year’s Oscar nominees. Prince Harry (Andy Samberg) is suddenly disgusted at the thought of witnessing the Iraqi death toll firsthand as a new recruit. Recurring Characters: Judge Larry Seidlin, Aunt Linda. Transcript
IntrovertsSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte) and Jean (Kristen Wiig) train newbie (Rainn Wilson) on his first day on the job. Recurring Characters: Neil, Jean. Transcript
White Possum ScreamSummary: In a production based on the trailer for “Black Snake Moan”, (Kenan Thompson) chains (Rainn Wilson) for his personal amusement.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts ADD Talk ShowSummary: Talk show hosts (Kenan Thompson, Amy Poehler) suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder are unable to stay focused on their guest (Rainn wilson), who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Nike Pick UpsSummary: Sneakers for guys can’t play basketball very well.
CoffinSummary: Consumer (Will Forte) suffering from a long list of ailments may be in a need of a brand new coffin.
The FalconerSummary: Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) discovers that his entire existence is a lie, that he’s nothing more than a recurring character on “Saturday Night Live.” Recurring Character: Ken Mortimer.
Job InterviewSummary: Applicant (Rainn Wilson) dressed like Michael Jackson for a crucial job interview.
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1933Summary: In 1933, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) spouts the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly. Recurring Character: The Out-of-Breath Jogger.
Benjamin Tellurine….Forest Whitaker Anne….Amy Poehler Reggie….Will Forte Bill….Bill Hader Fred….Fred Armisen Maya….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with an outside shot of Assiago’s restaurant.Dissolves to the inside. Two couples share a table. Awaiter is bringing their orders, setting plates down]
Reggie: Let’s see. We have penne a la vodka, linguiniwith clam sauce and 2 shrimp Alfredo. Thank you verymuch for being patient. Enjoy.
Anne: Thank you so much.
Bill: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Reggie: Now while you’re enjoying our deliciouscuisine here at Assagio’s, we welcome you to alsofeast on the musical talents of one of our seniorservers, Benjamin Tellurine.
Maya: Oh!
Anne: Oh!
[In comes Benjamin. He’s black with a badly combedafro, shirt and tie. Presents himself with some handgestures. Talks kind of gay]
Benjamin Tellurine: Tonight I will be singing my ownarrangement of a song. “Do not let the sun come downon me” by Mr. Elton Johns. Enjoy. Reggie?
[Reggie pushes play on a portable radio. Music plays]
Benjamin Tellurine:[Sings]”Don’t let the sun/come downon me/although I searched myself there is someone elseI see/just another fragment of your life to wanderfree/but losing everything/is like the sun going downon me-e-e-e”
[The couples applaud, very pleased with theperformance]
Benjamin Tellurine: “On me-e-e-e-e-e!”[musiccrescendo]”Don’t let the sun come down on me/althoughI searched myself there is someone else I see/justanother fragment[croons on Maya ear, still enjoyingthe performance] of your life to wander free/butlosing everything/is like the sun going down onme-e-e-e-e-e!”
[Applause. They are very pleased with the performance]
Anne: Thank you so much.
Benjamin Tellurine: “On me-e-e-e-e-e!![music crescendocontinues, couples getting annoyed]
Anne: What the hell?
Maya: I don’t want to be rude.
[Benjamin closes his eyes and dances lightly in rapture]
Benjamin Tellurine: “Don’t let the sun go down on me/although I searched myself there is always someoneelse I see/ just another fragment of your life towander free/ but losing everything/ is like the sungoing down on me-e-e-e-e!”
Bill: This is it, this is it. Yeah.
[Polite applause]
Fred: Thank you. Thank you very much, sir.
Benjamin Tellurine: “On me-e-e-e-e-e!!”[musiccrescendo again] Don’t let the sun go down onme/although I searched myself there is someone else Isee/ just another fragment of your life to wanderfree/ but losing everything is like the sun going downon me-e-e-e-e!”
Bill: I’m eating. We eat, we eat.
Anne: Let’s just eat.
Maya: I’m starving!
Fred: Enough is enough.
[They eat hungrily and ignore his rendition of thesong. Song is about to end]
Bill: Oh, thank God.
Anne: Wooo!!
[Applause looking to stop the now hellish performance]
Benjamin Tellurine:”Is like the sun going down, islike the sun going down, is like the sun going down onme-e-e-e-e-e!!!O-o-o-o-on me-e-e-e-e-e-e!!![musiccrescendo and continues]Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh ohohohoh,oh oh,oh[Oh’s are to the beat of the song]oh, oh,ohohohoh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh!
Anne: Oh my God! I want to hit this guy with the creamer!
Maya: Anne, that’s not right.
Bill: I agree. The creamer is not going to do jack.You know, I’m gonna clip him in the nuts with the bread plate!
Fred: He comes out right when our food came. Makes no sense to me!
[Benjamin keeps singing nonsense]
Benjamin: “O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, it’s like the sun goingdown on-ohohohohohohohohoho o-o-o-o-o-o-onme-e-e-e-e!!!![music crescendo again, continues]Don’tlet the sun—-[almost indistinct]
Maya: What is happening??!!
[Shot of outside of Assagio’s]
Caption: Ten Minutes Later.
[Back to the scene in the restaurant. Music for thesong continues and Benjamin is mouthing the words tothe song now]
Anne: Why can’t we hear him anymore?
Bill: He’s singing above any pitch human hearing can detect.
Maya:[mouth full, miserable]Are you sure he’s still singing?
Fred: Oh, yes. Still singing.[Eyeglasses shatter on his face]
[Benjamin is in another place with the song. There isa thin, piercing shriek sounding, dogs are barking andhowling madly]
Anne: Dogs? There are dogs in here?
Maya: Stop it, stop it.
[Glasses shatter on the table, they explode. Song ends]
Benjamin Tellurine: Thank you. And now—-my nextsong. A timeless classic. “Goodbye, goodbye, MissAmerica Pie” Enjoy. “A long time ago….
Anne: No!, no!
[They throw bread, the little baskets and utensils atBenjamin who starts anyway another passionate performance]
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Rev. Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson Bill Oefelein…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for President. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond.
This week, Senator Obama answered doubts about his experience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, Key Club president, 4H treasurer, lunchroom monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap.
Many Republicans are upset with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s recent demand for regular use of the Air Force’s C-32, the same type of aircraft that the Vice-President and the First Lady use. They’re also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington “Cleopatra-Style.”
Seth Meyers: Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider “war-on-terrorism taxes.” Or, as they’re currently known, “taxes.”
The FDA on Wednesday approved over-the-counter sales of the weight loss drug Orlistat. Next up for the FDA — recalling Orlistat.
Amy Poehler: This week, in an ironic twist, while making a speech on global warming, Al Gore froze to death.
Seth Meyers: With Barack Obama gearing up to run in 2008, pundits are saying that the United States could FINALLY be ready for a Black President. Here to comment are two former Presidential candidates — Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Uh — [ repeatedly rubs his nose with his thumb ] Uh — greetings, Seth and Amy. The age of.. a Black president.. is indeed.. upon us.
Rev. Al Sharpton: [ slaps the desk ] HALLELUJAH!!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Tonight, we want to talk to you personally, Mr. Barack Obama.. because, you see, in America, unfortunately, there are degrees of Blackness.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Scales of soul!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Which is why — which is why we came up with this chart.
[ Al Sharpton holds up a chart labeled “Blackness Scale”, which features the heads of Black people lined up along a colored meter ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: It’s our Blackness Scale. Measuring degrees of Blackness.. in the eyes of others.
Rev. Al Sharpton: ie: WHITE PEOPLE!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Now, understand that everyone and everything on this chart.. is unequivocally Black!
Rev. Al Sharpton: But, perhaps, some are MORE Black than others! Look at it this way: [ indicates the three rising color schemes ] If these people were cars, they would be Oldsmobile, Cadillac, a tricked-out Impara! [ demonstrates again ] Cream in your coffee, straight black, with a shot of Hennessy!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But.. we ALL.. delicious hot beverages. Now — [ twitches his shoulders for an extended period ] Now, please observe — [ squeezes his nostrils ] Mr. Barack Obama, for there is only so much Blackness.. the American voter can take. Now — [ points to the second tier of the Green level ] if you’re here, with the Black Eyed Peas, then you’ll be fine.
Rev. Al Sharpton: But, once you get up into here — [ motions upward to the Yellow level ] you’re moving into Allen Iverson territory.
Rev. Jesse Jackson: And that’s unelectable. And now, Barack, at this point in time.. you’re right — [ Sharpton picks up a pointer with a cutout of Barack Obama’s head on the head, and motions it right above Will Smith’s head at the highest level of Green ] At this point in time, you are right about here.. above Will Smith.. but just below Bill Clinton.
Rev. Al Sharpton: But — this could change, as the American people get to know you better! For example:
Rev. Jesse Jackson: You were raised by a single mother and your grandparents —
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama to the Yellow level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Uh — in Hawaii.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving back! [ lowers Obama back to the Green level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: You have an African name: “Barack.”
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama back to the Yellow level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But in high school, you went by “Barry.”
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving down! [ lowers Obama back to the Green level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: You married a Black woman —
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama back to the Yellow level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But in the past, you dated White women.
Rev. Al Sharpton: STILL moving up! [ raises Obama up to the Red level ]
[ Jesse Jackson is surprised by that result, as Sharpton puts the chart away ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But.. we have faith in you. And, as this campaign is innovated and cultivated.. we know voters will be.. mo-ti-vated!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Mmm!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: To FINALLY.. ELECT YOU.. the FIRST.. BLACK President.. of the United States of America!!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It should have been ME!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Or ME!!
Seth Meyers: Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A new survey shows that America’s Jewish population has reached 7.4 million. But, for you — 5 million.
A London hair stylist has been using bull semen to soften his clients’ hair. Worse, it’s “Bull” from “Night Court.”
Seth Meyers: Richard Knoebel, a police chief in Wisconsin, wrote himself a $235 dollar traffic ticket, and docked himself four points on his driving record for driving past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing. Knoebel then argued the ticket and beat himself half to death.
The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after a former male prostitute alleged that Haggard paid him for sex, says that he is now “completely heterosexual” after attending an intensive three-week counseling program. Hear that gay people? Three weeks. Stop being so lazy.
Amy Poehler: The bizarre story of NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak driving across country to attack a love rival dominated headlines this week. But little is known about the actual nature of her relationship with space shuttle pilot Bill Oefelein, the man at the center of the NASA love triangle. Here to comment on the situation, in an exclusive Weekend Update interview, is Commander Bill Oefelein.
Bill Oefelein: Alright! Alright! Amy, let me just start by saying that this whole thing has been blown WAY out of proportion! If anyone is to blame for this situation, I am.
Amy Poehler: Really? Why — why is that?
Bill Oefelein: [ chuckles heartily ] What, are you kidding me? Look at me! [ smiles ] I’m a hunk! I fly spaceships. I’m Han Solo, for realsies! In addition, I trained at the U.S. Navy’s Fire & Weapons School — you know what that is, dollface?
Amy Poehler: [ laughs nervously ] No, I don’t.
Bill Oefelein: [ chuckles again ] That’s Top Gun! As in Tom Cruise Top Gun! As in “Based on ME” Top Gun!
Amy Poehler: [ intrigued, plays with her hair ] Realllly?
Bill Oefelein: [ laughs ] Yeah, now look atcha! [ lays his hand across Amy’s backside ] Picturing me riding my motorcycle, playing beach volleyball with my shirt off, getting all sweaty, giving intricate high-fives.. trying to get inside ladies’ danger zones! [ smiles ] If you know what I’m sayin’! [ lowers his shades ] Ha ha! Wink! Pretty powerful image, isn’t it? You probably feel a little unstable yourself!
Bill Oefelein: Good God, Mama! I bet you’re even sexier weightless!
Amy Poehler: [ laughs ] He’s such a —
Bill Oefelein: [ laughs along with her ] Hey, you ever thought about joining the 62-Mile High Club?
Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] You had sex in space?
Bill Oefelein: Absolutely, Sweet Pea! And let me tell ya’ something — the best Tang in the galaxy cannot be mixed with water! If you know what I’m sayin’! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah! [ lowers his shades again ] DOUBLE wink!
Amy Poehler: You know, I-I-I wouldn’t mind if you stirred my Tang!
Bill Oefelein: Really? I wouldn’t mind gettin’ you in a pair of Huggies!
Bill Oefelein: [ backs off ] Yeah, babe. Catch ME! [ wheels away, as Amy waves goodbye ]
Seth Meyers: An Illinois man, who is a Chicago Bears fan, will legally change his name to Peyton Manning after losing a Super Bowl bet. Though as far as his family is concerned, he’ll always remain “Rex Grossman.”
The Dalai Lama, Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, has been named a presidential distinguished professor at Emory University. The Dalai Lama says that, while it is an honorary position, he will still try to use it to bone some undergrads.
Amy Poehler: A 76-year-old woman from Malaysia, has been reunited with her family 25 years after she got on the wrong bus. And, just as they’d feared, she forgot to pick up eggs.
For many of the Super Bowl’s 93 million viewers, the highlight of the broadcast was Prince’s halftime performance. ‘Cuase, let’s face it — no one plays their huge, erect penis better than Prince.
A savvy billionaire says he’s in talks with Disney to build a theme park in the middle Eastern nation of Bahrain. He said the parks will be similar to those in America, with just a few minor differences: [ show Mickey Mouse dressed normally, Minnie Mouse wrapped completely in burqa ]
Seth Meyers: This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino — and then another baby — and then a lemon — Aagghh! So close! Even worse, during the delivery, she crapped out.
Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 6,000 years ago, still hugging each other — which I’m sure was her idea.
Air Date:
