Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo!!! Thank you, thank you, very much! Hey, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ audience cheers ] Oh man, it is SO nice to be back! I had a BLAST hosting last year, and — wow! Things have been going really, really wll for me. My show — “The New Adventures of Old Christine” — is a big, fat hit! [ audience aplauds ] Thank you! I won the Emmy, which is absolutely fantastic! [ audience applauds again ] Do we — do we have a clip? [ a beat ] Oh, I brought one! Oh, that’s great! Oh, then let’s watch it!
[ dissolve to clip from the Emmys — five Lead Actresses from a Comedy Series sit in wait of the results ]
Emmy Presenter: And the result: [ opens envelope ] Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
[ an excited Julia kisses husband Brad Hall as the crowd cheers [
[ return to Julia at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ohh, I could watch that a thousand times! [ audience laughs ] I have>! Of course, you know, uh — there is a downside to being in the spotlight again, because, with all this great peaise, comes criticism. You know, the media is everywhere. And they really want to make celebrities look bad. And celebrities are good people. Literally. Every single one of them. But, now, I’m living my life under a microscope. So, ladies and gentlemen, please don’t believe everything yo see. Because the media likes nothing more than distorting an innocent event until they make me — a person whom you know and love — look bad! I mean, for example, here I am at the Golden Globes:
[ card: “Actress — TV Series Musical or Comedy” ]
Golden Globes Presenter: And, now.. the Golden Globe goes to: [ opens card ] America Ferrera!
[ at her seat, a smiling Julia starts to stand until she realizes it wasn’t her name that was called. Nearby, America Ferrera beams with joy. ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Who the F–K is America Ferrera?!
[ America Ferrera walks toward the stage ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hey! Felecity! [ cut to Felecity Huffman ] Check and see if she’s got her green card with her! [ Felicity frowns ] Am I right?! [ the man seated next to Julia claps for America Ferrera ] Don’t clap, you ass!
[ America Ferrera continue to make her way toward the stage ]
[ Julia throws up in her champagne, then swaps with the man seated next to her until she falls to the floor ]
[ return to Julia at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: See? I mean, first of all, that was taken out of context. And, second of all, I was completely wasted! I mean, they can even make a nice woman, like that lovely Ann Coulter, look like a monster! These people JUST want celebrities to look BAD! Even coming here tonight, the vultures were out in FORCE! They really can’t wait to turn every move I make into something ugly!
[ show Julia’s limo arriving outside of 30 Rock. The crowds are excited to see her, the media have their cameras flashing. A smiling Julia spreads her legs to step out of the limo, revealing a red dot covering her massive pubic hair region. ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: What?
[ return to Julia at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Wow. wow. You know what? Let me tell you something — it really is good to watch that, ’cause you realize: it’s just — it’s not as bad as people say!
We’ve got a great show! Snow Patrol is here! So stick around, e’ll be right back!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks to Snow Patrol! [ points to Chris Rock ] Chris Rock! And Lorne Michaels! And the cast.. of “SNL”! And the writers and producers.. of “SNL”! Adn everybody in the world! Yeah! Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Monex Spokeperson: Is there anything more satisfyingthat owning gold and holding it in your hands? [Camerasplits showing hands caressing gold coins. Stacks ofgold coins in the background] What? You mean, you’venever experienced it? Then call Monex now for thisinformative brochure and vhs tape that will show youhow you can invest in gold. [Gold coins splash aroundon mountains of golden coins. 1-800-555-0199 Book andtape. Why gold? Why now?] Did you know that in the past12 years the value of gold has gone up a little bit? [Abunch of gold coins weigh more than a stack of dollarsin a balance] I love touching gold. I would never dothis with mere paper money. [Lady caresses her facewith a gold coin. Kisses it.] “Guold” I love it. Thereis no better time to invest in gold than right aroundthe time that it is now. [Lady goes into a goldenliving room] Look around my living room. Every surfaceis covered in 100% real gold. [In a golden table aphoto of Goldie Hawn, a goldfish in a bowl, the ladydrinks a glass of orange juice] I’m not drinking gold.I wish. This is orange juice but the brand is FloridaGold. I guarantee you’ll spend hours caressing yourgold, [hands caressing gold coins] massaging yourgold, [hands massaging gold coins] washing your face in”guold” [lady splashes gold coins in her face likewater in slow motion] What time is it? Oh, I know. It’stime for you to call Monex and invest in”guold”. [1-800-555-0199. Coins splashing around] Calltoday and tomorrow you’ll be enjoying your “guold”,touching your “guold”, golding your gold “guold” [Ladyis ecstatic in a shower of gold coins] Well? Convinced?I think I made a really good case for “guold”.Speaking of gold case. [Lady picks up goldenbriefcase] I’m late for work. I work for gold. Ohh, Ibetter put this on. [Lady puts on a golden scarf] It’sgetting “gold” outside. [Monex logo, coins splasharound] Monex. “Guold”.
Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader …..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
[FADE IN on a sound studio as Julia walks in from the left and greets the director.]
Mike: Julia, hi. [shakes her hand]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi.
Mike: Mike Underballs.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, hi!
Mike: I’m the director.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yes, Mr. Underballs, so nice to meet you.
Mike: Please, my dad’s Mr. Underballs. Call me Mike.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, okay.
Mike: First of all, thank you so much for doing this PSA.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my pleasure.
Mike: Did you get a script?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, it looks great!
Mike: Okay, think we can do a take?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely, yeah.
Mike: [to crew] All right, guys, let’s go, people! CBS Cares, Julia Louis-Dreyfus… [walks to chair] Take one!
[Mike takes his seat while Julia clears her throat softly and a crew member positions the boom mike above her head.]
Mike: And… action!
[CUT to Julia as soft piano music rises.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.
[While she talks, the boom mike drops down into the shot just left of her head.]
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: All right, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Julia, that was perfect.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks.
Mike: Unfortunately, we had a little boom in the shot.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ooooh.
Mike: [to boom guy] Um… you on that, Jeff?
Jeff: [tightly] Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike, that’s my bad.
Mike: Okay, let’s, uh, get it right this time, okay?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.
Mike: CBS C–CBS Cares…
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.
Mike: Take two!
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little–oops!
[The boom mike drops down and bumps her in the forehead.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, dear. I think he hit me. I don’t…
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut…
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I dunno if you… wanna…
Mike: Jeff. What’s goin’ on, buddy? Everything okay?
Jeff: Sorry, Mike, that’s my fault. I’m a little fatigued in the upper body. I rocked the bejeezus out of my delta at the gym today.
Mike: Okay, just hang in there, okay?
Jeff: Yeah, no problem, Mike.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, God, tough to be the boom guy, right?
Jeff: [with an attitude] “Boom guy.” Yeah, I’ve got a name.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, sorry, I was just–
Mike: Okay, okay, let’s just get this done, okay?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.
Mike: CBS Cares… take three!
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, a little pre–vent–
[The boom drops down, hits her in the nose, and pokes around in her face.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [pushing away microphone] Whoops. Hey, hey! You gonna yell “cut,” or…
Mike: Whoa, whoa– Hey, hey, hey, c’mon!
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: Cut! [losing patience] Jeff! What’s goin’ on, buddy?
Jeff: Oh, c’mon, Mike! She’s talkin’ so soft I gotta get in there. I mean… what’s the point of watchin’ TV if you can’t hear it, right?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I was speaking in my normal voice!
Jeff: Hey, Dreyfus? Butt out!! Immediately! Just stand there and look pretty, okay?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Excuse ME?!
Jeff: [struts away] Yeah.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Mike] What? Are you gonna say something here?
Mike: Okay, look, look, it’s been a long day, let’s just get this done, and we’ll all go home.
Jeff: I’m agreein’, I’m agreein’ with you, Mike.
Mike: Look, hey, hey. JEFF? If you can’t hold the mike above the frame, then… let’s give it a try under, okay, sound good?
Jeff: You’re the–you’re the director, man.
Mike: All right.
[Jeff repositions the boom down in front of Julia’s legs.]
Jeff: You want it up and under, I got no problem with that.
Mike: Okay, great. Thank you, thank you.
[Audience titters in anticipation.]
Jeff: [to Julia] You okay with that?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I guess–
Jeff: Nobody cares.
[laughter]
Mike: Hey, c’mon. C’mon. Let’s just go, okay? [sighs deeply] Please. CBS Cares, take four.
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have the yearly mammogram.
[Jeff’s boom suddenly pops up and pokes her left breast.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Because–hey! Hey!
[She bats the mike away as Jeff keeps bumping her body with it.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Cut it out!
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: C’mon!! What the hell–
Mike: [walks toward her] C’mon, c’mon…
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: Okay, okay. We don’t need the jingle on every bad take! Okay?
[laughter]
Mike: JEFF? I’m gonna ask you one more time, man, what’s goin’ on?
Jeff: Well, she’s talkin’ about her boobs, Mike. Y’know, I thought it’d help if I point ’em out a little.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, good Lord.
Jeff: I HAVE GOOD IDEAS TOO, MIKE!!!
Mike: Okay, okay, Jeff, I need you to keep the mike completely out of the shot–otherwise, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Jeff: Mm-hm.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you.
Mike: Think you can do that?
Jeff: Okay, Mike. I’m gonna do it as a favor to you.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, well, you know what, you should do it because it’s your job.
Jeff: Hey, Elaine?!
[laughter]
Jeff: If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay!
[laughter and applause]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna handle this?
Mike: Let’s focus up! Let’s focus up!
Jeff: SHE’S PUSHING MY BUTTONS, MIKE!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: All right…
Jeff: BIG TIME!!
Mike: JEFF?! I need you to ignore her, okay?!
Jeff: Can do.
Mike: You’re doing a great job, by the way, Julia.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks. Okay, I only have one more take in me, all right? Then you can get Katie Couric, or something.
Jeff: Hey, fine with me, Mike!
Mike: Okay, okay, c’mon! Last take. CBS Cares, take five.
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [fights for composure] If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.
Mike: Cut! Great!
[CUT to a wider shot as the music stops before the jingle. Jeff has positioned the boom right in front of Julia’s crotch, and he is waving it up and down suggestively.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No one can see this, right?
[laughter]
Mike: Nope! You look great!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay. [shoves the boom away] You know what, just get that away–get it away from me!
Jeff: What are you doing?
Mike: [rushes up between them] That’s a wrap, folks, we got it, we got it!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Jeff] You stay back from me!
[Opens with an outside shot of a house at night. Cutto the inside of it. Dining room. Two couples havejust finished dinner. Jason and Julia are the hosts.Bill and Kristen are visiting.]
Bill: Wow, I still can’t believe you guys won the lottery.
Julia: I know, neither can we!
Kristen: Are you worried it’s going to change you?
Jason: Oh, no. We’re not going to be any differentthan we were before we won the lottery.[Callsout] Home-Bot!! Clear table!!
Bill: Wait, you guys bought a robot?
Jason: Ok, its our one extravagance.
[Kitchen door opens. A big, metallic robot entersdining room. Round helmet, square torso, arms, rollson wheels]
Julia: Yeah, well I wouldn’t even call it anextravagance. I mean, it’s so practical. Watch this, watch.
Bill: I’m sorry but do we have to sit here and listen to this?
Julia: Oh, relax. You can just ignore them.
[Drilling sounds continues]
Jason: So, you guys watch “Heroes”?
[Repair-Bot head pops from the kitchen door going inand out, getting it robot doggy-style, head bouncesoff the door. The visiting couple can’t believe their eyes]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Guest Writers:
March 17th, 2007 Julia Louis-Dreyfus Snow Patrol None Chris Rock Kent Sublette SNL Special Report: Road to the White HouseSummary: Chris Rock gives his political insight on the candidates vying for the Presidency in 2008, and compares the qualities of Democratic frontrunners Oback Barama and Hillary Clinton. Note: In dress rehearsal, Chris Rock performed this bit as a commentary on “Weekend Update.” Transcript
Montage
Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ MonologueSummary: Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows off clips which make the point that her life is constantly under scrutiny from the media. Transcript
OprahSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) loudly praises the work of Rhonda Byrne’s (Amy Poehler) new book, “The Secret.” Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.
MonexSummary: Gold enthusiast (Kristen Wiig) praises the power and allure of gold and gold-covered objects. Transcript
Restless Penis SyndromeSummary: When a woman (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) is convinced that her husband (Jason Sudeikis) is fooling around behind her back, he justifies his behavior by admitting to suffering from Restless Penis Syndrome amd quickly films a public service announcement for it in their bedroom. Transcript
La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny VedecciSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.
Snow Patrol performs “You’re All I Have”Bio: Alternative rock band based in Glasgow, Sweden; members are: Gary Lightbody (lead vocals, guitar), Paul Wilson (bass guitar, backing vocals), Jonny Quinn (drums, percussion), Nathan Connolly (guitar, backing vocals), Tom Simpson (keyboards).
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Judge Larry Seidlin (Fred Armisen) uses his loony sense of logic to discuss the possible resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Amy Poehler drunk-dials Seth Meyers after celebrating a ltitle St. Patrick’s Day cheer. Recurring Characters: Judge Larry Seidlin. Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) and co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg) dish out more of the club music scene. Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
CBS CaresSummary: Julia Louis-Dreyfus tangos with obnoxious boom mike operator Jeff (Jason Sudeikis) while filming a CBS-sponsored breast cancer PSA directed by Mike Underballs (Bill Hader). Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff. Transcript
Home-botsSummary: A lottery-winning couple (Jason Sudekis, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) have splurged on a group of robots (Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson) that are not only slow and inefficient, but also repair one another in exchange for group sex benefits. Transcript
Snow Patrol performs “Chasing Cars”
The Search for the Next Pussycat DollSummary: The CW Network hosts a competition to find the next member of the Pussycat Dolls. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush’s remarks on current events delineates into March Madness.
Nike Pick UpsSummary: Sneakers for guys can’t play basketball very well.
American HairlinesSummary: Airline personnel suffer from receding hairlines.
Tax Preparers
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his brither-in-law Roy.
Hearing TestSummary: A woman (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) receives an old-fashioned hearing test.
Hockey DateSummary: A hockey fanatic (Will Forte) is frustrated when his blind date (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) knows nothing about his favorite sport.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig Prince Harry…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stoties:
The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving! This week, after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced England would withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq, Denmark announced that they are withdrawing their troop. [ show image of lone soldier ] Welcome home, Torsten.
Monday was President’s Day and, as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents.
Seth Meyers: It was reported Friday that Democrat Tom Vilsack, is abandoning his bid for the presidency, which he started last November. Lets look back at some of the highlights of that historic run:
[ cut to video clip of Tom Vilsack ]
Tom Vilsack: Uhh —
[ cut back to Seth Meyers ]
Seth Meyers: Well miss you Tom Whats-Your-Face!
Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapons defenses. So rest easy, America. In the case of an attack, weve got three large balloons.
Amy Poehler: [ over image of Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov ] For the first time since the Soviet era, Turkmenistan has sworn in a new leader. So, congratulations and good luck to.. [ Amy makes several bad attempts at pronoucing his name, until: ] Congratulations to Mr. B!
Seth Meyers: You’re the best, Mr. B!
Amy Poehler: Whoo!
Seth Meyers: This week, in a Miami, Florida court, Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s remains to the guardian of her five-month old daughter. Here to comment, is Judge Larry Seidlin.
[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, and his face hung low ]
Judge Larry Seidlin: Hi, everybody. Hi, Seth and Amy. You know.. as many of you know.. it’s been a really.. emotional week for me. Did you guys see me on the TV?
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Judge Larry Seidlin: You see me on the TV, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did.
Judge Larry Seidlin: You know, I thought — I thought that, I-I came up looking pretty good! But, apparently, not everybody agreed. What I’m gonna do now is, I’m gonna read you some of the reviews in the newspaper. These are blurbs! Now — now, when I read this, okay, uh, let’s keep out cool. I might cry. Uhh.. [ pauses, bangs his pencil, moans, sniffs, and weeps ] “Judge Seidlin is a bozo on a bench — [ he weeps momentarily ] who tries to hog the spotlight!” [ he sobs ] I gotta look tough, Mama! I wanna be like Muhammad Ali! [ puts the paper down ] You know, these critics are really mean. You know, they’re al — they don’t realize, you know, we all got a lot of broken suitcases! We’ve got broken suitcases, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t know what that means — I’m gonna keep going. Many critics said you turned the courtroom into a circus. I mean, how do you respond to that?
Judge Larry Seidlin: Oh, you know, let me — [ he sniffs and bangs his pencil ] That makes me think of growing up in the Bronx, you know? When I was a kid, I used to go to the circus everyday! [ frowns ] And, you know, one time, you know, I saw a clown on a tricycle get trampled by a crazy elephant. And you know what I said? You know what I said?
Seth Meyers: What? What did you say?
Judge Larry Seidlin: I said, I want that clown to be buried with the elephant! [ he sniffs ] They should be buried together! [ he cries ] In the Bahamas, too!
Seth Meyers: Judge Larry Seidlin, everybody.
Judge Larry Seidlin; Thank you! Thank you very much!
Seth Meyers: You’ve gotta put yourself together.
Judge Larry Seidlin: Thank you..
Amy Poehler: The Catholic holiday Lent began this week on Ash Wednesday, the one day every year your co-workers go: ‘Surprise! Im religious!” [ show image of a guy with ashes on his forehead ]
More than 8,900 people in Bismarck, North Dakota, this week, set a new record for the most snow angels ever made. If youve never made a snow angel, its really easy: all you have to do is murder a snowman.
Seth Meyers: [ over image of Howard K. Stern ] Whoever thought that THIS is the Howard Stern that would soil the name “Howard Stern”?
It was reported that Britney Spears shaved her head after a fight with Kevin Federline, in which he threatened to have her hair tested to find out what drugs shes been using. Because Kevin Federline is, first and foremost, a scientist.
Amy Poehler: Well, this year’s Oscars are coming up tomorrow night, and, in case you haven’t had a chance to see all those movies nominated, here to fill you in is my Aunt Linda.
[ Amy’s Aunt Linda is pushed forward ]
Amy Poehler: Oh, hello! It’s god to see you, Aunt Linda.
Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. [ crooks her head ] Meyers.
[ disgusted, Seth turns away from Aunt Linda ]
Amy Poehler: Anyway, Aunt Linda, you must be getting excited for the Oscars.
Aunt Linda: Not me! Have you seen these performances? Gaahh! My least favorite was from “The Queen.”
Amy Poehler: Oh? Oh, I thought she was great.
Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Hmm.. well, corrct me if I’m wrong, but — [ movie poster appears over her shoulder ] I don’t think it’s very fair that other movies had ACTRESSES, and “The Queen” was played by the actual Queen of England! Here’s a note: if you want to try REAL acting, put on a baby suit like Marlon Wayans in “Little Man” — now, THAT’S a performance! I give the fact that she was even nominated a “Oh, puuhleese! Hey, Academy, do me a favor: wake me up when one of the nominees is ANYONE from the cast of “JAG”!
Now onto Best Actor in a Leading Role. I think we’re ALL aware of the African-American who gave a truly terrifying performance.
Amy Poehler: Uh, right — Forrest Whitaker.
Aunt Linda: Will Smith! [ “Pursuit of Happyness” movie poster appears over her shoulder ] I don’t care what kind of hobo you are, you do NOT sleep next to a toilet! And what about this little look-alike midget? I was NOT jiggy with his performance! I give it an “Oh, Brother!” and a “Ghaa!”
Amy Poehler: Well, okay, Aunt Linda, um — what do you think for Best Picture?
Aunt Linda: And the Oscar does NOT go to: the war epic, “Letters From Iwo Jima”! [ movie poster appears over her shoulder ] Excuse me? Everyone’s Asian and subtitled? I have two letters for you, Clark Eastwood: F. U.! Yeah, I give this tub o’ lard a big, fat “Oh, Criiippes!”
Amy Poehler: Well, was there any movie that you liked, Aunt Linda?
Aunt Linda: “Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift”! The rest are garbage!
Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody. Thanks.
Seth Meyers: Tuesday nights episode of “American Idol” became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart.” Fortunately, the tension passed when the two finally made love.
A man in China says that his dog is smart enough to go to neighboring shops and buy sausages with money hes given. Although, to be fair, the dog is sent out with money to buy lots of things. He just blows it all on sausages.
Amy Poehler: Desperate Housewives” executive producer, Marc Cherry, has signed a four-year deal with ABC that will keep the show on the air until 2011. At which point, it will merge with “Nip/Tuck.
Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. In accordance with his wishes, Adler will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions.
Seth Meyers: This week, it was announced that Prince Harry, the 22-year old son of Charles and Princess Diana, will join the regiment in Iraq. Many in England fear that the prince will become a bullet-magnet for terrorists in Iraq, but Prince Harry refuses to be held back. Here to talk about his upcoming deployment, Prince Harry of England.
Prince Harry: Thank you! Well, well! This looks like an AWFUL amount of fun, I must say!
Seth Meyers: Well, it is an honor to have you here, your Royal Highness. How are you feeling about shipping off for Iraq?
Prince Harry: DAMN excited, Seth! There was NO way I was going to put myself through Sandherst, and then sit on my ARSE back home, while my boys are out fighting for their country!
Seth Meyers: Now, what about this issue of you not only endangering the regiment, but you yourself becoming a kind of bullet-magnet for terrorists?
Prince Harry: NONSENSE! Look at me: do I look like someone who might STAND OUT in the middle of Iraq? PREPOSTEROUS!! [ giggles ]
Seth Meyers: You don’t seem concerned at all about possible danger?
Prince Harry: No, well, why should I? I welcome the opportunity to test my manhood! What were the lines from Kipling? Ah, yes! “There is but one task for all / For each, one life to give. / Who stands if Freedom fall? / Who dies if England live?”
Seth Meyers: Wow. I — I applaud your greatness.
Prince Harry: It’s nothing, really. We Brits love a good fight. [ giggles ]
Seth Meyers: You really — I mean, you’re really quite brave. I mean, who knows what could hapen: you could be taken hostage, or tortured.. your regiment could come under intense fire. And let’s not forget all the roadside bombs. I mean, that must at least get you thinking?
Prince Harry: [ open-mouthed ] Hmm..? No, I, uh — I haven’t really thought about any of that.
Seth Meyers: Really?
Prince Harry: No.
[ Prince Harry’s face begins to contort, until suddenly he leans over and pukes several times upon the set ]
Prince Harry: Sorry — I — sorry.
Seth Meyers: Prince Harry, everybody.
Amy Poehler: The Serbian village of Medja announced plans to build a statue in honor of Johnny Weissmuller, best known as the star of the film “Tarzan.” Said members of Weissmullers family, “Statue good.”
[ the camera cuts over to Seth, who’s still trying to wip fale vomit off the shoulder of his suit ]
Seth Meyers: You know, that happens every time Andy Sam — I mean, Prince Harry — comes by. [ smiles ] I love that.
A new bus in Tel Aviv has a yoga instructor onboard, who teaches passengers how to breathe correctly and relax. And if you can relax on a bus in Israel, you can relax anywhere.
The insurance company AFLAC announced this week that it will be shifting its advertising away from its duck mascot, explaining that people know the duck but not what the company does. Which is ridiculous. They rape ducks.
Amy Poehler: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg is backing a plan to raise the fine for not picking up dog excrement on a city street, from $100 dollars to $250 dollars. Upon hearing the news, the bum pooping in my buildings vestibule had a hearty laugh.
On April 22nd, the Broadway hit “The Producers” will end its run. So get down there while you have a chance and catch “The Producers,” now starring Joey Buttafuoco and a tape recorder with a hat on it.
[ dissolve to interior, crowded meeting room, with the employees all talking amongst themselves as the Boss enters the room ]
Boss: Alright, settle down. Settle down, people! Listen up: we have to cut this company’s budget in half, and we are not leaving this room until we do it. Is that clear? [ no response ] IS THAT CLEAR?!!
Employees: Yes, Sir!!
Boss: GOOD!! Now.. I want you all to dig deeply. I need your best ideas, and I need them NOW!! [ Shelley?
Shelley: Well, I’ve looked at the budget, and I think we’re spending way too much on transportation.
Boss: Transportation, huh? Daniel, what do you think?
Daniel: Well, sir, our online divsion is hemmorhaging money. I say we lose it.
Boss: Okay. Peter?
Peter: I gotta go with Dan here.
Boss: Derek?
Derek: I’d lose Tech Support.
Boss: Okay. Red?
Red: [ yes, he has red hair ] Downsize Research?
Boss: Water guy?
Water Guy: I don’t work here.
Boss: Right. Derek’s twin brother?
Derek’s Twin Brother: [ identical except for a pair of glasses ] I agree with what Derek said.
Boss: Uh – Mountain Joe?
Mountain Joe: [ a grizzled mountain man ] Well, uh, we could consolidate Marketing —
Boss: Snake-Eye!
Snake-Eye: [ wearing an eye patch ] Scale back IT.
Boss: Uh – Chief Bigcloud.
[ cut to employee dressed in Indian feather hat ]
Gary: Long before, Sister Gol —
Boss: Not now, Gary.
Gary: Sorry.
Boss: [ turns to opposite side of room ] Chief Bigcloud?
Chief Bigcloud: I would cut Accounting.
Boss: Crazy Carl?
Crazy Carl: [ tied up in straitjacket ] Uhhhhhhhhh –!!
Boss: CEO’s nephew?
Kid: Massive layoffs.
Boss: Gigantic turkey sub!
Gigantic Turkey Sub: [ a gigantic turkey submarine sandwich ] I say we put MUSTARD on it!
Boss: [ outraged ] This is NO time for joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub!!
Gigantic Turkey Sub: Cut Human Resources.
Boss: Mounted Tiger Head?
Mounted Tiger Head: [ tiger’s head on a mounted plaque on the wall ] Longer lunch breaks?
Boss: Did you even prepare for this meeting?
Mounted Tiger Head: Noooo.
Boss: Great. Okay. Invisible Man?
[ cut to empty seat and no response ]
Boss: [ waves ] Invisible Man?
[ cut to Wonder Woman seated among the employees ]
Wonder Woman: He’s out sick.
Boss: Captain Pajama Shark?
Captain Pajama Shark: [ dressed in pajamas and a strap-on shark fit atop his head ] Present!
Boss: Never mind! Arcade Fire?
[ cut to the night’s musical guest seated as a group ]
Arcade Fire: Cut Human Resources??
Boss: [ as his cell phone rings ] Hold that thought. [ reaches in his jacket pocket, pulls out his hand in the shape of a telephone and touches his ear ] Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. [ hangs up his hand, as the camera quick-zooms upon his face ] Guys.. I’ve got some very bad news.
[ cut to the corporate headquarters building exploding and collapsing to the ground ]
Detective Reynolds…..Maya Rudolph Detective Ambers…..Amy Poehler Jerry Danko…..Rainn Wilson Suspect 1…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, police headquarters ]
Detective Reynolds V/O: So, who is this witness that showed up?
[ dissolve to interior, police interrogation room ]
Detective Ambers: Uh, the witness is Jerry Danko.
Detective Reynolds: Oh, that creepy Peeping Tom?
Detective Ambers: Yeah. Turns out he was peeping through the curtains when the murder happened, so we’re lucky to have him.
Detective Reynolds: Oh. Well, who knows – maybe he’s not such a creep any more.
[ the door opens, as Jerry peeps in with a creepy smile ]
Jerry Danko: Hello, ladies!
Detective Ambers: Sit down, Jerry.
[ Jerry enters and sits ]
Jerry Danko: Uh – Detective Ambers, I want to begin by apologizing for all my peeping. I know it’s a problem, and I am working on it.
Detective Ambers: That’s not what you’re in here for today. You’re here to help us identify our killer.
Jerry Danko: Yes. And as soon as that is over, I am going to get some help for my horrible, horrible peeping problem!
Detective Ambers: Okay, alright. You remember Doc — uh, Detective Reynolds? She’s working on the case with me.
Jerry Danko: 1-1-5 Burrows Lane!
Detective Reynolds: [ perturbed ] How do you know where I live?
Jerry Danko: [ in a creepy tone ] From my peeping! With my incessant, non-stop PEEPING! I make myself SICK!! So SICK.. I think I’m gonna DIE!! [ a beat ] But then I peep at something, and I feel better!
Detective Reynolds: [ holds up a balled fist ] Next time you peep at me, THIS is what you’re gonna see!
Jerry Danko: Ohh, I WISH the threat of violence would stop me! But it only makes me want to peep MORE!
Detective Ambers: Alright. Enough with the peeping. How this works is: we call one of our suspects forward, and you tell us if it’s the person you saw.
Jerry Danko: Peeped! The person I peeped!
Detective Ambers: Peeped.
Jerry Danko: Right.
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward.
[ there’s a line of suspects on the other side of the glass. Suspect 1, on the far right, steps forward. ]
Jerry Danko: Mmmkay, this isn’t gonna work.
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back. [ to Jerry ] What’s not going to work?
Jerry Danko: Uh, well, this is difficult, because it’s normal looking at him – as opposed to peeping – and I saw him while peeping.
Detective Ambers: So?
Jerry Danko: I have an idea. [ to Reynolds ] What if you held your jacket in front of my face? And then I could just look around it like it was a curtain? You know – peep style.
Detective Ambers: Okay. Diane?
Detective Reynolds: Alright. [ removes her jacket and holds it in front of Jerry’s face ] Okay?
Detective Ambers: Okay, you ready?
Jerry Danko: [ pleased ] Ohh, yeah! I am sooo ready!
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step foward.
[ Suspect 1 steps forward, as Jerry reaches around the side of Reynolds’ jacket to peep at him ]
Jerry Danko: Mmmmmmm..
Detective Ambers: [ impatiently ] Is that him?
Jerry Danko: Mmmmm – this isn’t quite right.
Detective Reynolds: [ angrily ] YOU’RE the one that’s not RIGHT, buddy!!
Detective Ambers: Diane! Cool it!
[ Reynolds flings her jacket through the air and lets out a disgruntled scream ]
Detective Ambers: What’s the problem now, Jerry?
Jerry Danko: Well, he’s just standing there, knowing that someone’s watching him. I can only look at someone if they don’t know I’m watching.
Detective Ambers: Oh. I don’t know how to do that, Jerry.
Jerry Danko: What if he pretended he was taking a shower?
Detective Ambers: [ shakes her head ] I can’t ask him to do that.
Jerry Danko: Well, then the murderer walks free! Good evening to you, lady police officers! [ stands ]
[ Ambers and Reynolds object ]
Detective Ambers: Sit down! Sit down, Jerry! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward!
[ Suspect 1 again steps forward ]
Jerry Danko: Curtain?
Detective Ambers: Diane?
Detective Reynolds: Yeah. [ place her jacket in front of Jerry’s face ]
Detective Ambers: [clears her throat, then speaks into the intercom ] Number 1.. pretend you are taking a shower.
Suspect 1: [ perplexed ] What?
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Just DO IT, Number 1~
[ Suspect 1 shrugs, then begins to clumsily mime taking a shower ]
Jerry Danko: Uh — make him sing!
Detective Ambers: Jerry – please. [ sighs ]
Jerry Danko: Make him SING again!
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1.. sing like you’re in the shower.
Suspect 1: [ singing as he mimes showering ] “It’s in the way that you use it! It comes and it goes!”
Jerry Danko: Ohhh, yes! That’s it! Sing for me! sing for me, you big lummox! YES! I’m in total control!
Detective Ambers: Alright, alright! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back! Jerry, did you even see the murderer?!
Jerry Danko: [ coquettishly ] Noooooo..
Detective Ambers: GET OUT OF HERE!!
Detective Reynolds: BEAT IT!!
[ Jerry rushes out of the room, leaving the two female detectives alone ]
Detective Reynolds: Oh. What now?
Detective Ambers: Ugh. [ a beat ] Wanna make out?
Detective Reynolds: Why not. No one can see us.
[ they begin to make out ]
[ the camera pans over to the frosted window of the door, as we see Jerry’s face pressed against it and watching intently, pleased ]
Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen Rob Siefer…..Rainn Wilson Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph Kay…..Kristen Wiig Little Joe…..Andy Samberg
[open on interior of apart with doorbell ringing as Mr. Schoener arrives and opens the door to reveal Rob and Kay, the latter holding a camera]
Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Hi-hi.
Rob: Oh, hi. I’m Rob Siefer; we’re doing the piece for Architectural Digest.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, yes, please come in. Darling, we have visitors.
Mrs. Schoener: [from off-screen, with similar accent] Coming! [she arrives, wearing an outfit that consists of a dress on her right side and a suit jacket on her left] Oh, I was on the balcony, picking my nose.
Rob: Oh, a balcony. I’d have to take a look at that. Well, thank you again for allowing us to do a piece on your home for our magazine, Mr. Schoener.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, my father was Mr. Schoener. Please call me Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes, and please call me Nuni.
Rob: Oh, Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, Nuni.
Rob: Nuni, right?
Mrs. Schoener: Don’t look at him and say my name!
Rob: Nuni. I’m saying it right, right? Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, silly. That’s a children’s clown, Nuni. Nuni.
Kay: He’s saying Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: No, you must spread your buttcheeks. Nuni.
Rob and Kay: [while shifting as if spreading their buttcheeks] Nuni. Nuni. Nuni. Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, who cares? We all won. Let’s take a load off.
Mrs. Schoener: Please, join us in the sitting space.
[Mrs. Schoener leads them to a sitting space where she sits on a chair in which the cushion is supported by a large spring, Mr. Schoener sits astride a basketball hoop, and Kay sits on a chair that rests on a disco ball and continuously rotates]
Rob: Okay, and, uh, where do you want me?
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, please, sit right there, stupid. [she gestures towards a pile of toast]
Rob: On that pile of toast?
Mr. Schoener: Yes. Yes. It’s the Toast Chair by Ben Renaldo.
Rob: Okay. [he approaches the chair and sits cautiously and awkwardly, causing the toast to crunch loudly beneath him] All right, well–wow, it actually is toast.
Kay: [points at Rob] Rob, you’ve got butter all over your back.
Rob: Yeah, I know.
Mr. Schoener: Yeah, isn’t it greasy?
Mrs. Schoener: Yeah, take a chill pill, Roz!
Kay: Is there any way to stop my chair from spinning?
Mrs. Schoener: Absolutely not. It is a disco ball. [sings and chair-dances] Burn baby burn, disco inferno!
Mr. Schoener: Do the hustler!
Kay: Um, I’m kind of slipping off of it. Is there anywhere else I can sit?
Mrs. Schoener: You are very entertaining, sister. What is your name?
Kay: Kay.
Mrs. Schoener: Laa.
Kay: Kay.
Mr. Schoener: Huu.
Kay: No, it’s Kay.
Mr. Schoener: [overlapping with Mrs. Schoener] Callee. Hellee. Sisterm. Pernum. Hick.
Mrs. Schoener: [overlapping with Mr. Schoener] Relp. Drame. Yows. Yofe. Yopie. Yopie.
Rob: No, no, no, no: it’s “Kay,” like the letter K. [traces out a letter K with his finger]
Mr. Schoener: Hinnader, “Haay, like the letter haay.”
Rob: You know what? Yeah. It’s Hay, like the letter thay. So, uh, how long have you guys lived here?
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, what a little flirt you are! I am having so much fun. Let us have some snacks!
Mr. Schoener: Little Joe, bring us some snacks! Do you like cotton candy?
Rob: Uh, I actually love cotton candy.
[Little Joe enters from rear archway, with blue cotton candy arrayed to mimic hair on his scalp and face]
Little Joe: [with similar accent] Who’s interested in cotton candy?
Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: [raising their hands and bouncing in their seats] Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
[Little Joe kneels down between the Schoeners and they began eating the cotton candy from his head using only their mouths]
Mr. Schoener: Save the beard for me.
Mrs. Schoener: I love the moustache! It’s the best part! Hey, Rob, you gotta get in on this!
Rob: Um, okay.
[Little Joe walks over to Rob and lists his shirt to reveal that there is more cotton candy stuffed down his pants]
Little Joe: Cotton candy?
Rob: I’ll pass.
Mrs. Schoener: Aw, don’t be a girl! You love cotton candy!
Rob: [takes a tiny pinch of cotton candy and puts it to his mouth] It’s very, very delicious. Thank you.
Little Joe: There’s a lot more down there.
Rob: No, I’m good. Thank you.
Little Joe: [steps away towards the rear archway and shouts angrily] Fine! [exits]
Rob: Uh, excuse me, Nunis? Uh, may I use your rest room?
Mr. Schoener: Oh, you have to make pee-pee? Here, use this. [he grabs a long tube with a funnel from the ground and hands it to Rob]
Mrs. Schoener: It’s the Reliever by Horshack.
Rob: You mean, go right here?
Mr. Schoener: Yes, right in front of me. [puts the funnel in Rob’s crotch]
[the Schoeners put on white glasses that contain opaque white panels instead of lenses]
Mrs. Schoener: We’ll put on our privacy glasses.
[the Reliever makes suction sounds]
Mr. Schoener: How’s it going?
Rob: Uh, I’m all done. [to Kay] You know what, let’s get out of here. [stands] [to all] Well, I think we got enough for the story, so…
Kay: But I didn’t get any pictures yet.
Rob: Just draw some pictures or something. [Kay stands] Okay, uh, thanks so much. We’ll call you in a day or two.
Mr. Schoener: But you don’t have our number.
Rob: Great! Yeah, that’s great! Okay, so, thanks so much.
[Rob and Kay exit]
Mrs. Schoener: So long, you guys! Oh, they were neat. What wonderful posture. You know what? I want Little Joe to come out here and join us.
Mr. Schoener: Yeah, let’s keep on our privacy glasses and dance to romantic music.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes.
[the Schoeners stand and dance to techno music that begins to play, and are joined by Little Joe who dances as well]
Air Date:
