[Opens with a demoralized basketball team entering thelocker room. Some sit on a bench, some stand behind. Amustached coach enters, clipboard in hand]
Coach: All right, listen up! I see a lot of mopeyfaces around here. Granted, we’re down by 34 points,McMillan broke his ankle and our cheerleaders havestarted to cheering for the other team. That doesn’tmean we can’t come back and win this thing. Wally, yougot something you wanna say?
Wally: Yeah, coach. Guys, this is my senior year andas team captain this is not how I wanna end my lastgame. So you guys listen up and listen good. Let’s getthe “f” outta here. I mean, there’s an exit near theshowers. We can get back to the bus and get back toDes Moines before they even know we’re gone.
[The team agrees, they start to head out.]
Coach: Come on, sit your buns back down.[Team sitsdown] Ok, we can’t just give up.
Wally: But coach this guys are so good and I’m very,very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now?I mean like really, really, really real.
Coach: Yes.
Wally: I just thought about going out there for thesecond half and a little bit of pee came out.
Coach: Guys, if I gave up every time I’ve peed mypants out of fear I would not be married. I would nothave 3 out of my 4 kids and I definitely would not bestanding here in front of you right now. No, feel mypants. They’re soaking with urine. Seriously, feelthem. Somebody? Anybody? They are soaking.
Wally: Look coach it’s no use, all right. We suck. AndI know for a fact that we can’t win this game. And I’dmuch rather head home. Bake some snicker-doodles witha few of my bro’s and then practice french-kissingwith my french-kissing puppet. So, all in favor ofgetting the “f” outta here say “Aye”.
Teammates: “Aye!”
Wally: All opposed?
Coach: Nay!!![throws clipboard to the floor] You know,one time I was on a team that was down by 56 points inhalf-time. 56 points! But then Coach John Wooten.Coach John Wooten! Came in on the locker room and heplayed us a song. And that song got us so fired upthat we went out there and managed the biggestcomeback in college basketball history![shows a tape] I brought that song with me tonight. And all I ask ofyou is to listen to this song once and then decide ifyou’re gonna run home with your tail between your legsor if you want to go back out there and kick the snotout of those bastards.
[Pop tape into radio. Casino Royale theme plays. Think60’s instrumental supermarket or elevator music. Coachtakes the song in. He is getting into it. Beat picksup, he gets more into it and cannot contain himself.Smiles big, dances moving side by side, arms extended,eyes closed, jumps up and down, makes like a gateclosing down with his arm, cups his hand up to hisear, jump in one place, he’s ecstatic. Song climaxes,he’s more happy than before, he’s in rapture, turnsaround, jumps, twirls.]
[At this point Bill Hader is cracking up hard. Hecovers his face with his hand. Peyton Manning is alsolaughing, he covers his smile with a towel. KenanThompson smiles too so does Fred Armisen. JasonSudeikis and Andy Sandberg are the only ones that keepa straight face]
Coach: Whooooa!!! Boys, can you feel it!! Wally??!!
Wally: I’m feeling it, Coach!
[Wally gets up, starts dancing around, moves his hips,snaps his fingers. Coach and Wally do circles, armslocked into each other, they playfully bump eachothers hips. Wally plays air guitar with the coach’sleg. The coach pretends to play air drums.]
Coach: Ok, now who’s ready to kick some BUTT!!!
Wally: Let’s do it!!!!
[Coach and Wally get out of the locker room towardsthe basketball court dancing and jumping around. Thewhole team stays behind.]
Peyton Manning: Thanks to Carrie Undewood, Dan Aykroyd. I want to thank all the cast and crew. I want to thank Lorne and Marci. What an unbelievable week, I can’t thank y’all enough. God night, everybody. Thank you.
[ suddenly, Eli and Cooper Manning wheel a birthday cake shaped like the main stage onto Home Base. The band begins to play “Happy Birthday”, as the crowd on the stage sings along.
Maraka: Hola, hello! Im Maraka. Soy Maraka. Do you know who this is? (re: Mittens) [beat]
Mittens: Thats right! Im Mittens! Soy Mittens!
Maraka: Mittens is a cat. Mittens es un gato. Do you like penguins? [pause] Me too! Mittens and I are on our way to Penguin Island. (She randomly holds up a fifty dollar bill) Can you break a fifty?
Mittens: Hey, Maraka, whats over there?
(They zoom to the left and we see its an air balloon.)
Maraka: Do you see anything that can take us to la montaña? The mountain?
(The mouse arrow key moves and clicks above the air balloon and we hear the click sound from the mouse.)
Maraka: Right! Its a balloon! Es un globo! [she pumps her hands together after she and Mittens get in the hot air balloon] Pump your hands together to make the balloon fill up! Pump them harder! (the balloon air bags grow gradually get bigger) Come on! Harder! Whats wrong with you?! (the air balloon fills up completely) There! You did it!
Maraka & Mittens: (together they sing) “Were flying, estamos volando!”
(Maraka pulls out her binoculars and looks into them.)
Maraka: Im using my binoculars (Spanish phrase) [cut to inside the binoculars] (O.S.): Hey! Look! One of the mommy penguins is missing her egg! (cuts back to outside her binoculars) Can you tell me how to check for a hernia? (pause) Muy bueno! (she looks back into her binoculars) [cuts to inside her binoculars] Wait! Theres the egg right now! Its being carried away by a bird! (cuts to back outside her binoculars) We need to get that egg! (randomly) Can you help me decide if Robert Blake was innocent? (pause) Thats interesting! Interesante! Ive never considered the testimonial (Spanish phrase) The bird is getting away! Weve got to tell the bird to put the egg down! Say Put it down! Again! (she starts flapping her arms like a bird) Now flap your wings while you do it! Flap your wings and yell! Dont question it just do it. Louder!
Bird: Sorry. (drops the egg)
Maraka: You did it! And look! [the egg hatches, revealing a baby penguin] The pequeño little pingüino penguin just hatched! Tramado! (She randomly pulls out a picture of a possible man or woman) Can you tell me if this person’s a girl or a guy? (pause) Youre right! ¡Bueno!
(The air balloon lands on some snow.)
Maraka: Were on Penguin Island! And look! (Cut to baby penguin trying to walk) Look! Mire! Baby pingüino — [a mixture of Spanish, Swahili, and a host of other languages] We have to help baby penguin down the mountain! (randomly) Do you know why my father left me? (pause) ¡Bueno! Now lets show baby penguin how to slide down the mountain like a penguin! (while shes saying this, Mittens pulls out a picture of a penguin sliding down the snow hill) Get on your tummy like a penguin so we can show the baby penguin how to slide down the mountain! Get on your tummy! On your tummy! Do it ass—-! (They start sliding)
Maraka: (sings in Spanish as they slide)
(They get down.)
Maraka: Uh-oh. Do you see anything heading toward baby penguin?
(Cuts to baby penguin down the hill, but on top of the hill a giant ball of snow is coming its way.)
(The arrow clicks on the snowball to answer Marakas question)
Maraka: ¡Bueno! Es canto mortal enorme! An enormous deadly boulder!
(The ball is coming closer and closer towards baby penguin)
Mittens: (shrieks) Baby penguin!! (he dives into the penguin and pushes the penguin out of the way)
Maraka: Say hooray! (They jump and say Hooray!) Mittens saved baby penguin! If Mittens chose to save baby penguin based on his beliefs, and Mitten’s beliefs are not in his direct control, does Mittens really have free will?
Six men (ANDY SAMBERG, JASON SUDEIKIS, FRED ARMISEN, BILL HADER, WILL FORTE, and KENAN THOMPSON) stroll side-by-side in matching white-on-white tracksuits.
INT. BASKETBALL COURT
A game is in progress between all the men, now in various PT gear. Bill makes a shot and misses. Bill turns his head to Andy behind him and points at him.
Bill: Foul!
The ball’s in motion again. Will, shirtless, passes the ball to Bill. Bill passes it to Fred.
Fred: Short!
Fred shoots the ball and it bounces against the backboard and hits the rim. No shot.
Fred: Short!
Fred again shoots the ball. Ball fails to go into basket.
Fred: Short!
No one passes the ball to Fred.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UPS of Sudeikis & Samberg moving forward on the camera.
INT. BASKETBALL COURT
Kenan makes a shot, but is thwarted by another player.
Kenan: Ow! Foul!
Jason gets the ball, but struggles to maintain it. Both offense and defense are playing sub-standard. Andy trips over Kenan’s back leg.
Andy: Ow! Ow!
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
All men are side-by-side in their white tracksuits.
FREEZE FRAME
SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE. The way you play, you don’t need these shoes.
Announcer V/0: Air Force One. The way you play, you don’t need these shoes.
Director….Jason Sudeikis Mitch….Peyton Manning Blaine….Fred Armisen Cameraman….Kenan Thompson A.D. ….Kristen Wiig Extra on a rock….Will Forte
[Opens with a building. Stage 18 Studio. Cut to theinside of it. They are shooting the epic flick 300.There’s a set with a blue screen in the back. A rockformation in the back also with a Spartan soldierwearing a red cape on it. Mitch is dressed up and madeup as a shirtless, bald, humongous freak. Blaine playsa regular Spartan soldier, red cape etc. The directoris giving them instructions]
Director: All right, Mitch, Mitch. Here’s what’s gonnahappen, all right. Huge battle is going on. We’ll begoing blue screen on a storm back here, all right? Youpick up this gigantic rock. You raise it over yourhead and you smash it down on Blaine’s head here.
Mitch: Gotcha.
Blaine: I’m like, cowering?
Director: Yeah, you’re terrified Blaine.
Blaine: I’m like freaking out cause this guy is gonnasplatter my brains everywhere.
Director: Correct. Yes.
Mitch: I’m on full-on monster mode?
Director: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Let me see thosechompers. Give me a big snarl.
Mitch: Urrggghh!!!
Director: Beautiful, wonderful. All right, let’s shootthis thing. Let’s get into position.
[Walks away, stands by the cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take one.[clack]
Director: And action!
[Blue screen is a stormy sky now. Mitch holds the fakegiant rock over his head. Blaine acts like he’sterrified of getting hit]
Blaine: Whooaa!!
Director: Action!
[Mitch just stands there holding the rock over his head]
Director: Ok, throw the rock, Mitch. Mitch, throw the rock!
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
Blaine: Ahhhh!!!
[Mitch is just frozen with the rock over his head]
Director: All right, throw it! Throw the rock, Mitch!Mitch, throw it!! Ok, let’s cut, let’s cut.[Goes overto Mitch] Ok, what happened?
Mitch: Oh, I’m supposed to throw it?
Director: Yes.
Mitch: Oh, so it’s not like special effects?
Director: No, no, no. This shot is you killing him with this rock.
Mitch: Right.
Director: Ok, so you’re good?
Mitch: Yeah, I’m good. Throw the rock.
Blaine:[playfully] Yeah, not too hard.
Director: Ok, let’s do it again.
[Walks back besides cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take two.[clack]
Director: And action! Throw it!!
[Mitch just stands there. Big rock over his head]
Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!
Director: Throw the rock down on him, Mitch!! NOW!!Throw the rock, Mitch!! Can you hear me?!!
Mitch: Yeah.
Director: THROW THE ROCK THEN!!!!
Blaine: Ahhh!
Director: Augh! All right, cut it, cut it, cutit.[Goes over to Mitch] Mitch, Mitch. Are youphysically not able to throw the rock?
Mitch: I can throw it. Look.
[Throws fake rock, bounces off of Blaine]
Director: Ok, that’s great, that’s great! That’sexactly what I want! After I say action do exactlywhat you just did.
Mitch: Throw it down on him.
Director: Right on his head. All right? Show me those chompers.
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
Director: Ok, good. Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s do itagain.[Goes back besides cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 3.
Director: All right! Are you ready Mitch?!!
Mitch: Ready!
Director: Ok, after I say action what are you going to do?
Mitch: Throw the rock!
Director: All right. I’m getting ready to say action!
Mitch: Go ahead!
Director: Action!
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
Blaine: Aaahhh!!
[Mitch just stands there with the rock over his head]
Director: Mitch, come on! Throw the rock!!! Ple-e-e-ase!!!
Cameraman: Hey, throw the rock, man!!
Extra on a rock: Throw the rock!
Blaine: Do it, man! Throw the rock at me. Aaaahhh!!
[Nothing, Mitch is frozen]
Director: Oh, my God! CUT![goes to Mitch] Ok, what areyou doing to me, Mitch?
Mitch: I was gonna throw the rock. I was waiting for your cue.
Director: What cue are you waiting for?
Mitch: You tell me!
Director: What??!!
Blaine: What if I pull it down on my own head? Like, aaahh….
Director: No, that’s a stupid idea. Who would pull aboulder down on his own head?
Blaine: To hide from him or something….
Mitch: No, that’s totally dumb. I’ll get it this time.Let’s try it again.
Director: All right.
Cameraman: We got only 30 seconds of film left, man.We got to get this.
Director: Ok, Mitch. Seriously, please, dear God!!Just throw the boulder down on Blaine when I tell youto. Ok? Then we all get to go home.
Mitch: I heard you the first time. I’m not an idiot.
Director: Ok, we’re gonna shoot this one. Let’s go,let’s go. [Stands next to cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 4. [clack]
Director: Action!!
[Mitch frozen with the boulder over his head]
Director: OH MY GOD!!!Mitch!!Mitch!! It’s a battlescene! You are trying to kill Blaine! What you’regonna use? That rock, right? It’s got to come down!So, just throw it!!!
Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!
Cameraman: 10 seconds.
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
[Mitch frozen]
Director: Augh! THROW THE BOULDER!!!
Cameraman: Roll out. No more film.
Director: Cut!! Damn it!!
Mitch: How was that?
Director: You did great, yes, that was great, that wasgreat. Hey, everyone! This scene is cut from the film.
Mitch: Everyone! That’s a picture wrap for Mitch!Check the gate![leaves]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 24th, 2007 Peyton Manning Carrie Underwood None Archie Manning Eli Manning Olivia Manning Dan Aykroyd Cooper Manning A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Alberto Gonzales (Fred Armisen) reacts nervously as President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) speaks about him to the nation. Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Alberto Gonzales.
Montage
Peyton Manning’s MonologueSummary: Peyton Manning tells the audience what inspires him and introduces his family. Note: In dress rehearsal, Amy Poehler played a Patriots fan who heckles Manning from the audience. Bio: Peyton Manning (1976-). Athlete; quarterback for Indianapolis Colts since 1998; MVP at Super Bowl XLI (2007); runs his own charity organization, the Peyback Foundation. Bio: Archie Manning (1949-). Athlete; best remembered as quarterback for New Orleans Saints, 1971-82. Bio: Eli Manning (1981-). Athlete; quarterback for New York Giants since 2004. Transcript
United WaySummary: Peyton Manning treats young kids roughly while serving as their mentor. Transcript
Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with an attractive zookeeper (Peyton Manning). Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.
ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool PartySummary: A ditzy secretary (Amy Poehler) has managed a perfect pool score by making picks that have nothing to do with sports knowledge. Transcript
Penelope the Party PooperSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups party guests. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s parody of educational children’s cartoons, little explorer Maraka and her pet cat seek audience participation to rescue a baby penguin. Transcript
Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his basketball team’s impending loss by playing the 1967 theme from “Casino Royale.” Transcript
Carrie Underwood performs “Before He Cheats”Bio: Carrie Underwood (1983-). Country pop singer/songwriter; fourth season winner from “American Idol”.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his bid to run for President in 2008. Seth Meyers discusses the fate of a polar bear cub during “Zoo News.” The song stylings of “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), brings audience members (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) and Dan Aykroyd to tears. Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Sanjaya.
300Summary: While filming a climactic scene from “300”, an actor (Peyton Manning) frustrates the film’s director (Jason Sudeikis) by refusing to throw a large rock at a fellow actor (Fred Armisen). Transcript
Carrie Underwood performs “Wasted”
Coffee ChatSummary: Porch sitter (Kristen Wiig) and her husband (Peyton Manning) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking coffee on their back porch. Recurring Characters: Porch Sitter. Transcript
Meatloaf LoversSummary: Peyton Manning loves the new Mercedes-550 because he can cook a tasty meat loaf while he drives pantsless. Transcript
Air Force OneSummary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don’t have basketball skills. Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsals for the last three episodes. Transcript
GoodnightsBio: Cooper Manning (1974-). Oldest Manning brother, and the only one of the three who did not pursue a career in professional football. Transcript
]]>
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Jojo the BusboySummary: Spunky country club valet, Jojo (Amy Poehler), hits on female tennis player (Maya Rudolph).
Prison Folk GroupSummary: Prisoners react violently to a pair of effeminate folk singers (Peyton Manning, Fred Armisen) performing for them.
Vegas RevueSummary: Two women (Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) in Las Vegas are eager to see an Elvis impersonator (Peyton Manning) perform.
Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd. Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance.
Mrs. HastingsSummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) tries to seduce Peyton Manning at a party. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:
Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesperson said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was criticized this week, after documents revealed eight fired federal prosecutors had been rated on whether or not they exhibited loyalty to the president. Which explains the appointment of new Mexico federal prosecutor — [ show photo of dog ] Shasta.
Seth Meyers: According to a transcript of a military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attacks, saying, “I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.” He then politely asked the interrogator to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt.
A 17-year old girl won a scholarship worth $100,000 for building an inexpensive, yet accurate, spectograph, that identifies the fingerprints of different molecules — which I assume is some fancy way of saying: “Baking Soda Volcano.”
Amy Poehler: Preisdent Bush visited Colombia on Sunday, to show support for the country’s battle against Narco-Terrorists — or, as he called them in college: “My guys!”
A new study has found that women get together, they engage in mandatory “fat talk”, in which they say negative things about their bodies. Though, eventually, they do get around to introducing their guests. [ reveal photo of “The View” ]
Seth Meyers: This week, there were serious revelations about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales firing eight U.S. attorneys, for what appears to have been a coordinated campaign by the White Huose to purge those attorneys who weren’t “Bushies.” Sinceour regular legal analyst wasn’t available, here to comment is — oh, no — the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial, Judge Larry Seidlin.
[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, clutching a newspaper with his face hung low ]
Judge Larry Seidlin: Hiya, Seth and Amy. Did you guys see the news? [ Seth and Amy are mum ] Did you guys see the news, on the TV?
Seth Meyers: Yes. Yes, I saw the news on the TV. Judge, what is your take on the Attorney General scandal?
[ distracted ] How am I coming off so far, Seth? Amy I coming off good, Amy?
Seth Meyers: You’re fine.
Judge Larry Seidlin: Okay. tell you what I’m gonna do. Here’s — what I wanna do now, uh — uh — is, I’m gonna read off the names of the people who are on the chopping block! [ pauses ] About to get fired! Now — now, when I read this, I don’t want no tears. I don’t want no crying! [ sniffs, tries to hold his composure ] I — I think I’m gonna cry — I might cry a little bit. [ sniffs twice ] First name — [ sniffs, holds back his tears ] First name — [ sniffs some more ] is this poor guy from New Mexico, U.S. Attorney David Iglesius — [ begins to boo-hoo-hoo and taps his pencil on the desk ] From Arkansas, Bud Cummins — [ sniffs ] You know, I’ll tell you something, you guys — [ sniffs ] This reminds me of the time I got fired once! You know — you know, when I was a little kid, and I worked at the Bronx Zoo! Selling peanuts!! And, you know, it was a good job, and I worked really hard! This was before I was a cab driver! [ taps his pencil ] I worked hard! Really hard! And one day I was pushing the cart through the zoo, and the monkeys got out of the cage!! And they ATTACKED me!! You know those monkeys — not the regular ones, but the ones with the plastic asses? You know those ones? They were all around me, these monkeys!! And then they knocked over my cart, and one of them punched me in the face, and drug me all around the zoo — it was humiliating!! They were so MEAN to me! You know these monkeys, the one with the plastic asses — the — the RED ones?! The red asses? You know what I’m TALKING ABOUT, SETH!!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. I think so.
Judge Larry Seidlin: You know which monkeys they are, Amy?!!
Amy Poehler: Yes. Yeah. I know.
Judge Larry Seidlin: They’re mean as Hell!! And when they’re hungry, they’re TEN TIMES AS MEAN!! So’s — so’s — so’s when I come to, I’m in the flamingo pen! [ slumps in his seat, begins to cry ] And right there — RIGHT THERE — I got fired. IN FRONT OF THE FLAMINGOS!! [ slumps back in his chairs and wells up with tears ]
Seth Meyers: Judge, so you have anything to say about Karl Rove and the Attorney General?
Judge Larry Seidlin: Seth.. I ain’t coming off too good, am I?
Seth Meyers: No.
Judge Larry Seidlin: But they can splice this out, right?
Seth Meyers: No.
Judge Larry Seidlin: Well, I’ll tell you what they should do with these guys, Karl Rove and Gonzales: they should give them a peanut cart! And make them walk around the monkey cage! So the monkeys can throw PEANUTS at them!! SEE HOW THEY FEEL!! Seth and Amy, you know which monkeys I’m talking about, right?
Amy Poehler: Yes.
Seth Meyers: Yes. Judge Seidlin, everybody. [ to the judge ] Take care of yourself.
Amy Poehler: In an interview with “60 Minutes”, “American Idol” judge Simon cowell said he was once offered $100,000 to watch a couple have sex and then critique their lovemaking. But, then at the last minute, Paula and Randy changed their minds.
Seth Meyers: A new law was signed in New Mexico, Monday, that outlaws cockfighting in the state, as chickens everywhere deserve the right to live free — in a two-foot cage, before a machine cuts off their heads so we can eat them. [ light titters among the audience ]
Amsterdam City Council gave permission for the owner of a 150-year old chestnut tree, that comforted Anne Frank while she was in hiding, to cut it down. Well, it’s official: Anne Frank cannot catch a break. [ light laughs amidst a few groans ] I knew I was in trouble when you guys didn’t like the chicken joke!
A new study says that eating salmon is not only good for your heart, but can improve your disposition, making you more agreeable. Defeating ths study: grizzly bears.
Amy Poehler: Well, today is St. Patrick’s Day — happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ the audience cheers ] And, you know what? [ takes out a bottle ] I figured it would be fun to take a moment and celebrate the holiday with shots. Huh? [ she pours two shots ]
Seth Meyers: Whoa, whoa, whoa — I don’t think it’s a good idea to do shots during the show. Remember what happened last time?
Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] I do not! [ chugs her shot ]
Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yuo got hammered, and thenyou drunk-dialed everyone on your phone.
Amy Poehler: Mmm. Do you want your shot or not?
Seth Meyers: No.
Amy Poehler: Okay. [ holds up Seth’s shot ] To my health! [ chugs the shot ] Mmm! See? I’m fine?
Seth Meyers: Okay. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week in — [ Seth’s cell phone rings ] No. It’s Amy — I’m not going to answer it. Just ignore it. [ begins again ] A new study was released — [ cell phone continues to ring ] You know what? I am just — ’cause she’ll keep calling. [ answers his cell phone ] Hello.
Amy Poehler: [ on her cell phone ] Heeeeyyyy!! What are you doing! Are you OUT?? Are you having fun??
Seth Meyers: No, uh — actually, I’m at the Update desk telling a joke right now, so I’m going to hang up on you.
Amy Poehler: [ quickly ] No, I’m going to hang up on you! [ hangs up her cell phone and smiles ]
[ Seth puts his cell phone away ]
Seth Meyers: Sorry about that. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week, and —
Amy Poehler: [ leans into Seth’s frame ] You don’t hang up on me, Meyers.. you’re not better than me.. what, do you think you’re so great? I’m from New Hamps-hiiiiiiire!! I’m on Up-daaaate!!
Seth Meyers: Alright, you know what? Here, have some coffee. [ holds up a cup ]
Amy Poehler: No! I want some COFFEE!! [ grabs the cup ] This is MY idea! [ chugs the coffee ]
Seth Meyers: [ to the audience ] This will sober her up. It usually works pretty soon.
Amy Poehler: [ returns to her position at the desk, shakes her head ] Where am I..? What did I do, where are my pants?
Together: [ smiling ] Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody!!
[ the audience cheers ]
Amy Poehler: A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. But, just to be safe, I’m gonna shoot him. [ audience groans ]
James Brown was finally laid to rest Saturday, at the home of one of his daughters. The body was placed in a mausoleum, with the simple inscription “I felt good.”
Seth Meyers: To help celebrate the 30th anniversary of “Star Wars”, the Postal Service is preparing new mailboxes painted to look like R2D2, even though everyone knows that it’s C3PO that really wants to hold your package.
This year’s Iditarod sled dog race was won by Lance Mackie — or, as his sled dogs call him: “Dead Weight.”
Amy Poehler: Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday, where she adopted a three-year old boy. The boy is excited to ocme to America, but a little bummed about having to quit his job.
Police in Nebraska say that two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside — while Brian Seltzer waited in the car.
Karen Danberg…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Mr. Danberg…..Jason Sudeikis Dr. Highsmith…..Kenan Thompson Spokesman…..Bill Hader Announcer…..Andy Samberg
[FADE IN on a dark bedroom in which a woman is sleeping. Her husband steps quietly in, dressed in business attire, and closes the door softly. He slips quietly to a futon at the foot of the bed while she stirs awake.]
Karen: Honey? Honey, is that you?
Mr. Danberg: [unshoulders suit] I’m sorry, hon. I didn’t mean to wake ya.
Karen: Oh, it’s okay. Oh, it’s so late.
Mr. Danberg: Yeah, yeah, work. It’s killin’ me lately.
Karen: But this is the third night in a row!
Mr. Danberg: [stumbling a bit] Yeah, yeah, it–it’s been rough. [loosens tie] Y’know, I’m pretty bushed.
Karen: [switches on light and stumbles out of bed] We need to talk.
Mr. Danberg: Can it wait? You know, I’m tired.
Karen: Well, I’m tired, too. [tearfully] I am tired of waiting up for you! I am tired of you staying late at work!
Mr. Danberg: [bristles] Okay, I can’t help it, okay? We’ve talked about this.
Karen: Why do you always smell like perfume?
Mr. Danberg: [faking disbelief] What? Perfume? What–what do y–I don’t know! I mean–there’s ladies at work, that wear perfume, and I’m sure that’s it! You know? Gosh!
Karen: I found… these.
[She holds up a pair of baby blue, French-cut ladies’ underwear.]
Mr. Danberg: Yeah, so?
Karen: [tearfully] They were in your suit pocket!
Mr. Danberg: Okay. Okay. Y’know, uh, that’s dumb. [laughs stupidly] We, uh, we were goofing around, and, uh… it’s just… things happen.
Karen: Oh, please. Please!
Mr. Danberg: I can’t do this anymore.
Karen: What?
Mr. Danberg: It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kids… I’m done lying.
Karen: [covers mouth and weeps] Oh, oh, my God…
Mr. Danberg: I should have told you this a long time ago.
[Dramatic pause while Karen sobs quietly.]
Mr. Danberg: I’ve been diagnosed with Restless Penis Syndrome.
[laughter]
Mr. Danberg: RPS.
Karen: What?
Mr. Danberg: It’s a very well-known neurological condition, and it is… awful.
Karen: I’ve, I’ve never even heard of it! You’re having an affair!
Mr. Danberg: I wish it was that easy. I really do! Currently, there are no known cures for RPS. Restless Penis Syndrome.
Karen: This is stupid! If you think for one second that I am buying this… this so-called Restless Penis Syndrome. Really? So you’re saying you can’t control what your penis is doing?
Mr. Danberg: I haven’t been able to control it my entire life! I’ve never been able to. [painfully] And… I’m not sure if I ever will.
Karen: No, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re even trying this.
Voice: I’m afraid it’s true, Karen.
[Enter Dr. Highsmith carrying an old-fashioned doctor’s satchel.]
Karen: Dr. Highsmith?
Dr. Highsmith: Your husband is telling you the truth. You see, when I first diagnosed his RPS… Excuse me…
[He plops down on the bed right next to Karen.]
Dr. Highsmith: I thought maybe there was a chance. It might’ve been foolish of me, but I told him to let his penis do whatever it wanted to do. I thought it would get tired out, and no longer be restless.
Karen: Why are you here?
Dr. Highsmith: But letting it be restless has only made it more restless, I guess. I’m partly to blame for this. I mean, we just didn’t know enough about RPS in those days. I’m sorry.
Karen: So–I’m just supposed to sit back and let his–your penis run wild all across town with as many women as it needs to?!
Mr. Danberg: [touches her head tenderly] It’s a lot to ask, I know.
Dr. Highsmith: I think you’re the bravest woman I know, Mrs. Danberg.
Karen: Oh, come on!
[After a pause, ZOOM OUT to reveal a commercial spokesman in the foreground to the right of the bed.]
Spokesman: If you suffer from Restless Penis Syndrome, you’re not alone. RPS severely affects the lives of millions of Americans.
Karen: What… what is happening now?
[laughter]
Mr. Danberg: We’re shooting a commercial for RPS.
[Commercial music rises slowly in the background.]
Karen: Are you kidding me? I don’t look–well, let me do something with my hair, you could have told me!
[She pulls her hair back and grins in pleasant surprise.]
Mr. Danberg: [chuckling] It’s okay, dear. You look amazing.
Karen: A commercial? For RPS? That’s big stuff! [smiles]
Mr. Danberg: It sure is, honey. It sure is.
Dr. Highsmith: You look wonderful.
Karen: Oh, thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Highsmith: Um, you know, I also have Restless Penis Syndrome… [touches inside of her leg]
Mr. Danberg: Hey, Highsmith? [shoos his hand away] Not part of the deal, buddy.
Karen: Would you guys be quiet? And let the guy do the commercial. [gestures to spokesman]
Spokesman: But now there’s hope. The RPS Foundation is committed to finding a cure for this debilitating disorder. With new medical breakthroughs happening every day, we think we may be just years away.
Mr. Danberg: Decades.
Spokesman: Decades away. Won’t you please support the RPS Foundation?
[FADE to the RPS Foundation logo.]
Announcer: Restless Penis Syndrome. With your help, we can beat this thing.
Karen: [off camera] What? That sounded like your brother.
[ open on graphic: “SNL Special Report Road to the White House” ]
Announcer: And now, a “Saturday Night Live” Special Report. Road to the White House. Here with his comments, is Chris Rock.
[ dissolve to Chris Rock seated at an executive desk, as the audience screams and cheers ]
Chris Rock: Good evening! Good evening, good evening! [ the applause dies down ] Now, in six-hundred and seventy-four days, we’re gonna have a new Presient. And the field is just SO crowded. On the Republican side, there’s McCain and Guiliani. Now, is it me, or was McCain too old eight years ago? And then we have Guiliani. Now, Guiliani’s great. He’s great — in a crisis. But, uh, in real life, Guiliani’s kind of like a pit bull. He’s great when you have a burglar – but, if you don’t, he just might eat your kids.
Then, we have the Democrats. And everybody’s saying the same thing: “Hillary or Obama?” A black man, or a white woman. It’s so HARD to make up my mind! You know, as if it was a SUFFERING contest! And, even if it was, how can you compare the suffering of a white woman to the suffering of a black man?! It’s not even CLOSE! I mean, white women burned their bras; black men were burned alive! I mean, sure, white women couldn’t vote for an a minute, so they’d march, and protest. You know? And when they had to get on the BUS to go to a protest, who do think gave up their seats? You know hoe much better Seabiscuit’s life was than my grandfather’s? You see, when a horse can’t run any more, they put him out to stud; when a black man can’t run any more, he gets shot fifty times! I mean, how can you compare the pain of a white woman to the pain of a black man? They used to hang black men just for looking at white women! I mean, nobody ever lynched a white woman! No white woman’s ever been assassinated! Everybody looooves white women! White men love white women; black men reallllly love white women! I mean, did you see Anna Nicole Smith’s funeral? She had SIX black men pallbearers! I thought Farrakhan died!
Everybody loves white women.. except white women! White women are the majority of the country, and they’ve had the right to vote for almost a hundred years, and still they’ve never elected a white women President! What are you bitches waiting for?! If black people were the majority of this country, there’d be a different Black President every day! Okay? Every year, a new Black person would get a term to be President! Obama would be President; Oprah’d be President; O.J.’d be President; Flavor Flav, Halle Berry’d be President for half-a-term! And for that very reason, that’s why I predict Oback Barama will not only be the Democratic nominee for President, Oback Barama will be the NEXT President of the United States! Okay?
And for those doubters out there who keep asking the question, “Is American ready for a black President?” I say, “Why not? We just had a retarded one!”
Announcer: This Season on the new CW: Today’s hottest female group, The Pussy Cat Dolls, are searching for a brand new member.
(goes to contestant 3)
Contestant 3: (About to sob) I want this more than anything. (breaks sobbing, and then winks at the camera)
(goes to contestant 2)
Contestant 2: (sobbing) This is my dream.
(goes to contestant 1)
Contestant 1: This is literally the highest honor I can imagine.
(goes to different scenes of the contestants practicing)
Announcer: An exhaustive search to the nations dancers, singers, and pharmisutacal sales representatives, has come down to only the very best to these of these truly average women.
(goes to the judges)
Robin Antin: (cigarette in her mouth) We’re looking for a girl who most embodies what it truly means to be a (pauses and lights her cigarette) Pussy Cat Doll.
Announcer: Will they be up to the challenge (cuts to superior of “sort of sing”) to sort of sing?
(cuts to contestant 3)
Contestant 3: (singing) ayyaaayaayyyaaayaa!
(cuts to a superior of “Sort of Dance”)
Announcer: To sort of dance?
(cuts to contestant 1 dancing and panting very hard)
(cuts to superior of “Not Write Songs”)
Announcer: To not write songs?
(cuts to contestant 2, just staring blankly at the camera)
(cuts to superior of “Passably Attractive From A Distance”)
Announcer: To be passably attractive from a distance…
(cuts to superior of “Not Detract Attention From The Lead Singer”)
Announcer: but not detract attention from the lead singer? All wow- less standing weakly judging from people like this.
(cuts to the judges once again)
Robin Antin: Your kind of mildly entertaining performance is what this competition is all about. You remind me of myself back when I was 45.
McKenzie Jazz: That was totally passable, you’re on to the next round.
Lil’ Kim: Bitch, you’re worse than me. Nice work.
(cuts to the contestants all sobbing)
Contestant 2: Thank you so much.
Announcer: The search for the next doll.
Robin Antin: The point of this competition is to find America’s most talented and beautiful singers and dancers. (looks to the offstage crew members) Oh, it’s not?
Announcer: Only one will achieve the honor of being made one of seven girls whose names I don’t know, to stand behind the lead singer whose name I also don’t know. The Pussy Cat Dolls presents, The Search for the Next Doll, only on the CW.
Air Date:
