[ open within the halls of Studio 8-H, outside of Maya Rudolph’s dressing room, as make-up people doll her up for the Goodnights. Shia Lebouf strolls past. ]
Maya Rudolph: Hey, Shia!
Shia Lebouf: [ stops ] Oh. Hey, Maya — hey, you know what I was just thinking? Our names rhyme.
Maya Rudolph: Hey, that’s right, they do! I never even thought about that!
Shia Lebouf: Yeah. Yeah, me neither.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah — I was lying. I really have thought about it — a lot. [ to the make-up people ] Beat it!
[ the make-up people exit her dressing room ]
Maya Rudolph: [ stands and wraps her arms around Shia’s shoulders ] Why don’t we go in my dressing room?
Shia Lebouf: But — but —
Maya Rudolph: Shh! Shh! Shhia! [ pulls him into her dimly-lit dressing room, where a fully-dressed table flanked with dinner awaits ] Have a seat, youngster. Come on — don’t be shy-a! Get it? I just made that up right now! [ tosses her hair back ]
Shia Lebouf: Oh. It’s pretty good.
Maya Rudolph: Actually, I was lying, Shia. I’ve had that joke for two weeks now — and I NAILED it!
Shia Lebouf: [ nervous ] Well, I should probably get back —
Maya Rudolph: [ places a drink in front of him ] Drinking? Good idea!
Shia Lebouf: I don’t really drink —
Maya Rudolph: Yeah? [ clinks their glasses ] Well, I do. [ sips her drink, then lets the glass crash to the floor. She stands immediately and begins to massage Shia’s shoulders with her elbows. ] Ohhhh, Shia! Oh, you make me feel so alive! Oh, you are something else, buster! Hey, you know what my favorite movie of yours is?
Shia Lebouf: Uh — is it “Holes”?
Maya Rudolph: [ nods ] Big time! [ walks across the room ] Hey, Lebouf — you like music?
Shia Lebouf: Uh — uh — yeah —
Maya Rudolph: [ as the music pots up ] You know what this song is?
Shia Lebouf: No.
Maya Rudolph: It’s called: [ recites a title in a high-pitched Japanese voice ] Mmm. You hungry? I could cook you something. [ lights up a cigarette ]
Shia Lebouf: Really? You have time to cook during the show?
Maya Rudolph: [ sits ] They know how important this is to me! [ picks up a bowl filled with an unidentifiable food product ] Here. Have a bite. [ feeds a bite to Shia ]
Shia Lebouf: Wow.. it’s pretty good.
Maya Rudolph: You like it?
Shia Lebouf: Yeah.
Maya Rudolph: It’s baked cereal! Ohh, Shia! [ rubs noses with him ] I’m very attracted to you! Have you guessed that yet?
Shia Lebouf: [ nervously ] I think I have —
Maya Rudolph: Good! [ with a high-pitched squeal: ] Ohhhhhh, SHI-AAAA!!! You make me feel like a SCHOOLGIRL again!! Can I propose something to you? After the show tonight, you.. and me.. private plane.. Mexico City!
Shia Lebouf: Um – hold on, hold on — [ spits out the baked cereal ] Let me just stop you right there. Alright? Maya, will you stop it right there?
Maya Rudolph: What, you don’t like it?
Shia Lebouf: You think you’re the first older woman to hit on me? Huh? Yuo don’t think this happens to Shia Lebouf all the time?
Maya Rudolph: [ shakes her head ] Shia, what is this? What are you saying?!
Shia Lebouf: Let me guess, huh? Yuo want to settle down somewhere, say some sleepy little Mexican fishing village where we get married and pop out a couple puppies, huh? WE’ll call the boy “Esteban.” And an old local man will take me under his wings and teach me how to fish, using only guacamole and.. [ holds up his hands] these. I’ll make a meager ten pesos a week catching gorato [?], while you sit on your FAT ASS all day eating cream cheese with a spoon!
Maya Rudolph: [ frantic ] But, Shia!! I don’t understand!!
Shia Lebouf: Let me TELL you something, woman — !!
[ a stagehand opens the door ]
Stagehand: Maya —
Maya Rudolph: [ throws a glass of wine at the open doorway ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! [ the stagehand shuts the door and shirks away ]
Shia Lebouf: [ laughs in spite of himself ] If you thought I’d go for this hairbrained scheme of yours.. then, you thought right. The answer.. is Yes. Whatever you say. I’ll see you later, Maya.. Lebouf. [ touches her chin, stands, and exits the room ]
Maya Rudolph: [ reaches her hand out toward his wake ] Adios.. mi amor.
[ the camera pans over to a reflection of the Andy Warhol-inspired prints of Maya-as-Versace, as we fade ]
Blade P. Cutsworth….Will Forte Bernard Throttleland….Shia Lebouf Melanie Ginsu….Kristen Wiig
[Opens with a man in a business suit and his youngprotegee in a shirt and tie standing on a porch. Manin the business suit knocks on the door.]
Blade P. Cutsworth: How are you doing Bernard?
Bernard: Well, I’m a little nervous, sir. It’s my first day.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Look don’t worry. You’re gonna dojust fine. Slice-Co is a wonderful product. This knife practically sells itself.
Bernard: I just want to do my best, sir.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. You will. Motivational work hug?
Bernard: Sure. Why not?
Blade P. Cutsworth: Great.
[Mr. Blade hugs Bernard just as a woman answers the door]
Bernard:[a little embarrassed]Oh, there she is. She’s right there.
Melanie Ginsu: Can I help you?
Blade P. Cutsworth: No, but we may be able to helpyou, ma’am.[ Mr.Blade closes her door.]I am Blade P.Cutsworth, not my legal name, and this is my protegeeBernard Throttleland. Ma’am, this is Bernard’s firstday on the job and you must know that I’m proud as apeacock to be standing next to him. But that’s anothertale for another day. We’re here to sell you someknives. Now, I’ll put you down for one thousandknives. Would you like to add on to that order?
Melanie Ginsu: Actually I’m pretty well set in the knife department.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. No, you’re not!
Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.
Blade P. Cutsworth: No, you’re not.
Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard help me out here.
Blade and Bernard: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade and Bernard: Are not
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade and Bernard: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too
Blade P. Cutsworth: No you don’t! You need moreknives! You need a lot of knives! Every kitchen needs more knives!
Bernard: No!, no!, no!
Melanie Ginsu: I have plenty of knives!
[Talk over each other]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Hold on a minute! What the heckare we doing here? I mean we have a grade-A qualityknife to sell and you’re in obvious need for knives.
Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.
Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.
Melanie Ginsu: My husband is Ronald Ginsu. He is the inventor of the Ginsu knife.
[Bernard and Mr.Blade are caught off guard]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Hmmm, Bernard. Please demonstratethe blade on a frozen carrot for Ms. Ginsu.
Bernard: Yes, sir. Just a second there.
[Bernard sets up the demonstration table. Knives slam a little on the table]
Bernard: Behold the awesome power of the Santoku carrot knife.
[Chops carrot in half]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Shazzam!!
Bernard: Bam!!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!
Bernard: Bam!!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!
Bernard: Wham!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Right?!
Melanie Ginsu: Sorry, I already got knives that cut through frozen carrot.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have one that can slice through a ream of paper? Bernard?
Bernard: Yep, behold the awesome power of the Slice-Copaper cleaver.[Cuts ream of paper in half] Ma’am!, ma’am!, ma’am!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Wham!, pow!, pow! What a tool!!!
Melanie Ginsu: I already have a paper cleaver.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver?
Melanie Ginsu: Yes.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver-cleaver?
Melanie Ginsu: Look, I am Melanie Ginsu. I have like every knife in existence.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a knife that caneffortlessly cut through a grown man’s pinky finger?
Melanie Ginsu: Actually, I don’t.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, please effortlessly cut through your pinky finger.
[Bernard is freaking out]
Bernard: Oh, sir…
Melanie Ginsu: Well, the pinky finger is really not that tough of a bone to cut through.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s a good point! Bernard, please locate the thickest of your finger bones and effortlessly cut through that. That more to your liking, ma’am?
Melanie Ginsu: Well, I can’t promise a sell but I’m listening now.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, great! We have your attention now!
Bernard:[Scared] Ummm, sir. I’m not gonna cut off my finger.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. One moment, please.
[Mr. Blade takes Bernard aside]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, what are you doing?
Bernard: But I need my fingers, sir!
Blade P. Cutsworth: For what?!
Bernard: For a lot of things!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, we almost have a friggin’sale, now effortlessly cut off your biggest finger!
Bernard: I can’t do it, sir!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Do I have to do everything myself??!! Give me the knife!
[Gets the knife]
Bernard: Oh, sir…
Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Mr. Blade cuts his thumb off on the demonstration table, jets of blood spurt from the wound]
Bernard: AAAAHHH!!!! OH, GOD!!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Look at that! Cuts right through the bone! Look at that!
Melanie Ginsu: Oh, my God! I will take two of those knives!
Blade P. Cutsworth: You hear that Bernard! 2 knives! That’s a double sale! Ma’am, that’ll be $13 dollars even! What do you think?!
[Blood keeps spurting. Staining with red everybody’s clothes]
Melanie Ginsu: Oh, no. I’m sorry, 13 dollars? I didn’t realize it was so expensive. I can’t buy those knives from you.
[Blood keeps flowing and spurting from Mr. Blade’s hand]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s unfortunate.[Scratches his head, colors his face red with blood] 13…
Bernard: Sir, sir….
Blade P. Cutsworth: That’s unfortunate cause umm….it’s really starting to hurt!
[Mr. Blade, sucks his gaping wound, drinks blood from it like from a fountain. Shia almost cracks up]
Bernard: Sir, sir. I’m going to take off now. All right, sir. [Leaves]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, ok. [In excruciating pain]Nice working with you Bernard! Oh, ma’am. Could youpoint me in the direction of the nearest hospital?
Melanie Ginsu: Oh, sure. You’re gonna go down thisroad about two miles… [Blood is staining her clothes]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Go down there, two miles….[Points with his thumb less hand, blood flows]
Melanie Ginsu: Then you’re gonna take a quick rightand go down that road 150 miles….
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok…
Melanie Ginsu: And there’ll be a hospital on yourleft. But that’s been closed for years.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oooh, so its abandoned.
Melanie Ginsu: Yes, its abandoned.
[Blood keeps flowing]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, man. I do thank you for your time.
Melanie Ginsu: Ok, have a good day. [Goes inside]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok. Well at least I know that itcannot get any worse than this.
[Loud growling. A dog jumps on his leg and rips it off]
Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Dog continues to rip Mr. Blade apart in a pool of blood]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 14th, 2007 Shia LeBeouf Avril Lavigne None Phil Hyms Wally Feresten Lorne Michaels Alec Baldwin Wings Of HopeSummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) speak out on Don Imus’ “nappy-headed hoes” slur. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton.
Montage
Shia LeBeouf’s MonologueSummary: Near-unknown Shia LeBeouf is ecstatic about hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but the glum cast members don’t share “The Kid”‘s enthusiasm. Bio: Shia LeBeouf (1986-). Actor; starred on Disney Channel’s “EVen Stevens”, 2000-03; films include “Holes” (2003) and “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (2008). Also Hosted: 07k.
The Hathaway Moustache Ride CompanySummary: The elegant history of moustache rides is traced back to the vision of their founder, Leonidas Hathaway (Alec Baldwin).
Prince ShowSummary: More eccentric behavior from Prince (Fred Armisen), as Tobey Maguire (Shia LeBeouf) is asked to sit on a giant cupcake and Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) drawls on. Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce Knowles, Tobey Maguire, Nancy Grace.
Under 21Summary: A group of underaged college students (Andy Samberg, Shia LeBeouf, Bill Hader, Will Forte) make clumsy ploys to buy cases of beer from a convenience store clerk (Kenan Thompson). Transcript
The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: Brainy Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) mocks fellow child star guests Cole (Shia LeBeouf) and Dylan Sprouse (Andy Samberg), and her little sister, Elle Fanning (Avril Lavigne). Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning, Reggie Hudson, Catherine.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In a spoof of a cliffhanger from “The O.C.”, “The Shooting” features multiple shootouts as Keith (Bill Hader) pens a letter to his sister (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
Sofa KingSummary: Entrepreneuer Katir Mutar’s (Fred Armisen) sofas aren’t just great – they’re Sofa King great!
Avril Lavigne performs “Girlfriend”Also Performed: 02i, 03s.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Maya Rudolph interviews Howard K. Stern (Andy Samberg). Two gay guys from Connecticut (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader). Don Imus (Darrell Hammond) further incriminates himself.
Knife SalesmenSummary: Salesmen Blade P. Cutsworth (Will Forte) and Bernard Throttlehunt (Shia LeBeouf) goes to extremes to sell their knives to a housewife (Kristen Wiig), even if it means slicing off their own fingers. Transcript
An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica SimpsonSummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another without barely saying a word. Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Avril Lavigne performs “I Can Do Better”
Maya & ShiaSummary: With the discovery that their first names rhyme, Maya Rudolph attempts to seduce Shia LeBeouf in her dressing room. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts RoommatesSummary: Student (Shia LaBeouf) tries to get his fat roommates to stop eating his food by using Jared the Subway guy to scare them.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his brother-in-law Roy.
An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson ISummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another in dead silence. Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Movie PitchSummary: Shia LaBeouf makes a movie pitch.
Hardware StoreSummary: Shopper (Fred Armisen) makes a scene at the hardware store by dropping things on his penis.
Monkey BusinessSummary: Teenager (Shia LaBeouf) tries to get rid of the monkeys in his room.
An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson IIISummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another with continued silence. Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Announcer: Being a kid can be harder than it looks. Sometimes, it helps to have an adult around.
[ cut to Peyton Manning running to join the kids on a football field ]
Peyton Manning: Alright! Alright! Alright!
That’s why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.
[ Peyton wraps the kids in a huddle ]
You guys ready to play some FOOTBALL?!!
Kids: YEAH!!!
Put your hands in! We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other — teamwork, on three! One, two, three!
All: TEAMWORK!!!
[ Peyton and the kids spread across the field ]
Announcer: Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication.
[ Peyton and the kids set up a play and go into action ]
Peyton Manning: [ yells toward kid running across the field ] Open! Get open!
[ Peyton hurls the football at the kid, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the grass ]
Peyton Manning: Get your head out of your ASS!! You SUCK!!
[ another play begins ]
Peyton Manning: Alright, let’s go! Let’s go! Get back IN here!! [ to the kid he just knocked down ] Except you. I can’t even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-o-let for twenty minutes. [ the kids walks away, ashamed of his performance ] That’s right. Just STAY in there!
[ a new play begins — Peyton hurls the football at another kid’s stomach, knocking him to the grass as well ]
[ the first kid peeks out from inside the Port-o-let ]
Peyton Manning: Why is the door open? CLOSE the door!! [ the kid closes the door ] STAY in there!!
[ a new play begins — this time, Peyton hurls the football at a third kid’s head, knocking him to the grass, too. Peyton throws his arms in the air in exasperation. ]
Peyton Manning: [ talking to a fourth kid ] Okay, I’m sorry — do you want to lose? I throw, you watch. It’s NOT that hard! Okay? [ the kid nods ] Alright. Get the f–k out of here!
[ cut to Peyton and the kids standing over the body of the third kid, the one who was hit in the head with the football ]
Peyton Manning: I think he’s really hurt —
[ cut to Peyton reading an entertainment magazine to the kids, showing off the pictures of the latest kid adopted by Angelina Jolie ]
Announcer: There’s no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide.
[ cut to Peyton showing the kids how to jimmy his way into a locked SUV ]
Peyton Manning: Then, if you just push it a little further, you should hear a little CLICK!
Boy: Why don’t we just use your key?
Peyton Manning: I told you — I forgot ’em. [ a siren from a cop car sounds ] Cops! Cops! [ starts running ] Everybody for himself!
[ cut to Peyton holding his belt in his hands, as a young boy clamps down on the belt with his teeth ]
Announcer: Just a few hours of Peyton’s time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime —
Peyton Manning: Just keep biting down. It’s looking good.
[ reveal that a tattoo artist is inking a head shot of Peyton Manning on the kid’s leg ]
Peyton Manning: That’s a handsome tattoo. Uh-huh. It’s gonna be there forever.
Announcer: — as well as skills for life. Such as: asseriveness —
[ show woman sitting on park bench, as a young girl runs toward her ]
Girl: Mommy! Mommy!
Peyton Manning: [ right behind the girl ] No, Sally! Mommy’s dead, remember? Don’t bother the pretty lady. [ the lady extends her hand ] Hi, I’m Peyton!
Announcer: — ethics —
[ show Peyton addressing the kids while clutching a beer bottle ]
Peyton Manning: Alright, I’ll KILL a snitch! I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t. you know what I mean. [ shrugs ] Whatever. You’re getting on my f–king nerves.
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: The NFL and the United Way. Spend time with your kids.. so Peyton Manning doesn’t.
[ cut back to Peyton addressing the kids ]
Peyton Manning: You kids all want to live with me in my mansion?
Kids: YEAHHH!!!!
Peyton Manning: Calm down, calm down. There’s no f–king way!
Chris Graham…..Jason Sudeikis Ted Trimble…..Peyton Manning Mandy Jensen…..Amy Poehler
[ open on stock footage of a professional basketball game ]
Chris Graham V/O: I guess it must be March!
[ graphic: “ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party” appears onscreen ]
[ dissolve to Chris Graham and his guests seated behind a desk in the ESPN Studios ]
Chris Graham: Hello, everybody! And welcome to ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party! I’m Chris Graham! Now, take out your office pool sheets, Class — I’ve got your midterm grades right here! [ holds up a basketball pool sheet ] Some huge upsets in this tournament, and, unless you picked them, you’re looking at a D or C-minus. Not so with tonight’s guests — they did see those upsets coming, and that’s why, out of 25,000 contestants, they’re currently the top two leaders in ESPN’s National NCAA Tournament Pool. They are: [ show a grinning Ted Trimble ] Ted Trimble, sports writer for the Raleigh News & Observer; he also edits the weekly college basketball hotline, and is the author, with Dick Vitale, of “College Basketball: A to Z.” [ show smiling Mandy Jensen ] And Mandy Jensen, a recent graduate of Sweetbrier College, and currently a receptionist at the corporate headquarters of Teen Vogue Magazine. Incidentally, this is Mandy’s first NCAA Tournament Pool. Alright.
[ show stock footage of a professional basketbal game ]
Chris Graham: Last Sunday, USC stuns the tournament by beating Texas. A SHOCKER! But, TEd, you called it.
[ cut to Ted, then show his pool sheet with check marks around USC and Texas ]
Ted Trimble: Chris, I have said all year that USC played GREAT tracking defense. The very type of defense that’ll give Texas fits, and it did!
Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Mandy, you picked Texas to lose as well — what was your thinking?
Mandy Jensen: Um.. well.. first of all, Texas uniforms are orange.. so, right there, Texas and I have a BIG problem! [ smiles, laughs ]
Chris Graham: Uh-huh.
Mandy Jensen: This is not a tough call.
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a pink heart around USC and the notes “Orange” and “Hideous!!!” surrounding Texas ]
Chris Graham: I see.
Mandy Jensen: Texas, if you’re listening: We do Tangerine, we do Coral, but, I’m sorry, we do NOT do Orange!
Chris Graham: Okay. Another huge upset last week for virginia Commonwealth — an eleventh-seat beating sixth-seated Duke. Ted, how did you pick that?
[ show Ted’s pool sheet as he speaks ]
Ted Trimble: Chris, Duke could crush any other eleventh-seat, but, with VCU, it’s a tough match-up.
Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Alright, Mandy, you also had Duke losing.
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Oh, I would never pick Duke!
Chris Graham: Uh, why?
Mandy Jensen: Because, in college, I had a roommate named Duke — Catherine Duke. A total BITCH, and a WHORE. [ smiles awkwardly ] And I found out she’d been sleeping with, like, five of my boyfriends!
[ show college photo of Catherine Duke ]
Chris Graham: Well, that must have been devestating.
Mandy Jensen: I cried for a whole semester. Because of that, I HAD to go with Virginia Commonwealth the first round! [ smiles ]
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a caricature of Catherine Duke labeled “Huge Whore!!!!!” and a pink heart around VCU ]
Chris Graham: I can see that, I guess. [ awkwardly ] Well, you made the right call. Of course, nobody’s right all the time. Ted, last week, in an upset, Butler beat the heavily-favored Terps of Maryland.
Ted Trimble: I know.
Chris Graham: You picked Maryland.
Ted Trimble: I never imagined Maryland losing.
Chris Graham: Hmm. Well, don’t feel bad — nobody saw that coming. [ a beat ] Mandy, you saw that coming? How?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Uh, this was tough at first. But then I learned that Butler are the BULLDOGS! How cute is that!
Chris Graham: [ confused ] Uh, it is very cute.
Mandy Jensen: SO cute!
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with a pink heart around Butler and the words “Bulldog So Cute!!!” next to it ]
Chris Graham: So.. in this game, you went with Butler over Maryland — the right pick — because, in your analysis, Bulldogs are cuter than Terps?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly! I don’t know what Terps are, but NOTHING is cuter than a bulldog! Except turtles.
Chris Graham: Oh. [ smiles ] Well, actually, a Terp is a turtle.
Mandy Jensen: Seriously? [ smiles ] It’s a good thing I didn’t know that! [ laughs ]
Chris Graham: [ nods his head ] Uh-huh.
Mandy Jensen: Oh! But can I add something about Butler? Instead of the Bulldogs, they should be called the Miniature Bulldogs!
Chris Graham: [ thinking ] Because.. that would be even cuter?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly!
[ cut to Ted, who looks extremely pissed about Mandy’s sports logic ]
Chris Graham: In another First Round upset, Arizona losing to Purdue, and it wasn’t even close. Ted, you stumbled here as well, picking Arizona.
Ted Trimble: Arizona really let me down!
Chris Graham: Well, they always do. This year, Arizona was supposed to make the Elite Eight. Instead, once again, they turned out to be the Tournament’s Peyton Manning.
[ Ted shoots a confused glance at Chris ]
Ted Trimble: What do you mean?
Chris Graham: Well, you know how, every year, Arizons comes in with impressive stats and all the hype, and, every year, they.. fizzle out!
Ted Trimble: Yeah.. sure. But why is that a Peyton Manning?
Chris Graham: You know that expression.
Ted Trimble: No.
Mandy Jensen: Um.. it’s like — how do I put this? when someone has this great reputation, but you always wonder why, because, when it really counts, they can’t deliver?
Chris Graham: Exactly! Exactly!
Ted Trimble: Yeah, fine, but.. still — why a Peyton Manning? I don’t get it!
Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] I think you’re missing the point! Uh — basically, the point is: like the rest of us, you bought the Arizona hype, and, when they did their usual Peyton Manning, you got burned! But, hey — on this one, you’re hardly alone. Who thought Arizona would lose? [ turns to Mandy ] Mandy, you thought Arizona wouldlose. [ Mandy smiles ] Any particular reason? Such as, for example, a sports-related reason?
[ Ted waves his arm ]
Ted Trimble: Oh, let me guess. Because Arizona Tea is, like, so fattening, is that it?
Mandy Jensen: [ nods sheepishly ] That sounds right! Yep, that was it!
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with the words “Iced Tea: So Fattening!!” next to Arizona and a pink heart around Purdue ]
Chris Graham: Oh, good call, Ted! Uh, Mandy, just so you know — there’s no connection between the University of Arizona and Arizona Iced Tea.
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles, surprised ] Really? Well, I guess on this one, I was just lucky! [ laughs ]
Chris Graham: [ stares silently at the camera ] With 58 games played thus far, Ted is off to a blistering 56-and-2 start. [ Ted fumes ] While Mandy is at an equally impressive 58-and-0. [ Mandy smiles ] Mandy, as you know, the winner of this pool will receive tickets — LIFETIME tickets — to the Final Four. [ Ted looks to the sky and sighs ] Are you a big college hoops fan?
Mandy Jensen: Not really! [ smiles ] Um, I’m gonna donate them to a charity called Fighting Chance.
Chris Graham: Which is?
Mandy Jensen: It’s a shelter for cats that have been overfed!
Chris Graham: Good for you, Mandy. Good for you. We’re about out of time, but, before we go, let’s talk about tie-breakers. Although you hold a slight lead over Ted, of course he could still catch you, if those Mayland and Arizona picks don’t come back to bite him! [ chuckles ]
Ted Trimble: Hey, Chris: [ gives an obscene hand gesture ]
Chris Graham: Whoa! Hey! Hey!
Ted Trimble: And, by the way — Peyton Manning? He is a great quarterback.
Chris Graham: Sure. Whatever.
Mandy Jensen: Who’s Peyton Manning?
Ted Trimble: You’ve never heard of Peyton Manning?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] No. I thought that was just an expression.
Ted Trimble: No, he plays for the Colts, and he IS amazing!
Mandy Jensen: Is he cute?
Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] Well! I think it’s safe to say you’d never hear of Peyton Manning described as “cute”!
Ted Trimble: You know, this pool used to be FUN! Back when it was a pool for MEN! Men who knew something about SPORTS!! [ throws his lapel mike across the desk and storms off ]
Chris Graham: Oh, Ted! Come on! You’re still in this!! Don’t quit, Ted!! Don’t pull a Peyton Manning!!! You’re better than that, Ted!!!
Mandy Jensen: [ sheepishly ] Did I say something?
Chris Graham: No, no, it’s not you. He was like this with the Oscar Pool.
Mandy Jensen: Oh. [ smiles ] I WON THAT!!
Chris Graham: Hmm. [ to the camera ] Anyway, that’s it for us tonight.
Mandy Jensen: That is so FUNNY!!
Chris Graham: I’m Chris Graham. For everybody here at ESPN — so long!
[ dissolve to interior, dining room, Nicole with her arms around Anthony as she speaks to Sue during an elegant party ]
Glenn: Yeah. Thank you so much for inviting us.
Sue: Of course! Excuse me, guys — I have to go check on the caterer, so relax, have another drink, and please eat!
Nicole: Oh, thank you.
[ Sue exits the scene, as Nicole and Glenn step closer to the food ]
Nicole: Wow! She got a caterer!
Glenn: They really went all out. I’ve never seen this many hors d’oeuvres.
[ Penelope enters frame, endlessly twirling her fingers within the dangling curls of her hair in a semi-bored fashion ]
Penelope: I have. Yeah, I’ve seen more hors d’oeuvres than this, so — I’ve just really been to a lot of big parties before, so —
Nicole: Oh, maybe you can help us out. I don’t even know what half of these things are —
Penelope: I do. I know all of them. I’ve had all of these before, at other parties I’ve been invited to, so — I’ve just been to a lot of parties. [ points to an hors d’oeuvres ] That one has crab in it.
Glenn: I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I’m Glenn, this is my wife Nicole.
[ Penelope and Nicole shake hands ]
Penelope: Happy to meet you.
Nicole: It’s nice to meet you. So, how do you know sue and Anthony?
Penelope: We’re really good friends. So — we’ve known each other for a really long time. I just know them really well. Probably better than a lot of people here, so —
Glenn: Oh — oh, well, uh — we met them at Lamaze class, six months ago.
Penelope: [ quickly ] I’ve known them for, like, seven years. So, just a little bit longer. I’ve just known them for a relaly long time, so — longer, just better friends. So — longer than you guys. So —
[ Anthony enters the scene ]
Anthony: Hey, guys! Glad you could make it! [ shakes hands with Glenn and hugs Nicole ]
Glenn: So are we. This is the first time we’ve been out of the house since Rachel was born.
Nicole: Yeah, my mom’s in town. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.
Glenn: She’s really been a big help.
Penelope: [ butting in ] My mom helps me out a lot, too! So — she helps me a lot, she’s always helping me with anything. So, my mom helps me a lot, too, so —
Anthony: I see you guys have, uh, had the pleasure of meeting Penelope?
Nicole: Yes.
Penelope: Yeah — [ chuckles ] And we met earlier tonight, so we know wach other — we’ve known each other for a while, so I know everyone at this party now. So — so, I know everybody.
Anthony: Nicole, you can’t even tell you just had a baby. You look great!
Nicole: Oh, thank you! I lost the first fifteen pounds pretty easily, the doctors —
Penelope: [ leans into frame ] I just lost twenty pounds! So — twenty.. twenty-five pounds, so — a little over twenty. So — [ leans out of frame ]
Nicole: Um — we were just telling Sue how much we love your new house!
Penelope: [ leans in again ] I do, too — it’s my favorite house — it’s my favorite house I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s my favorite house. So — [ leans back out ]
Glenn: You really went all out wih this party.
Anthony: Yeah, a little overboard. I even flew out, uh — [ point to Penelope ] Sue’s cousin, to surprise her.
Penelope: Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, too, so — More than one. Just a lot of cousins. We’re really close, too. Just anniversaries, holidays — just parties. One time, they flew me out for a tea party, so —
Glenn: Great. Uh — [ to Anthony ] How’s your brother, Jim, doing?
Anthony: Jim? He’s good. He’s really good. Just started Law school.
Penelope: I have a brother, Jim, too. He’s in Law SChool — started a log time ago, though, so — top of his class.
Glenn: Tell Jim I said Hi.
Penelope: I already told him you said Hi, so — I told him.
Sue: [ calling out ] Hey! Attention! Attention, everyone! Um — can I have everyone’s attention? Uh — first of all, I just want to say Thank You —
Penelope: [ squeezes into frame ] I also want to thank everybody for coming.
Sue: Um — on behalf of Anthony and I, I just wanted to thank all of you for coming tonight —
Penelope: Thank all of you for coming tonight.
Sue: We-we feel so blessed —
Penelope: I feel really blessed, too — a lot of really good things in my life, you know?
Sue: Not only for this new home —
Penelope: I have a new house, too — it’s really big.
Sue: But for all of our amazing friends —
Penelope: I have a lot of friends, too — a lot of friends —
Sue: Penelope, why do you always do this? You totally embarrassed yourself.
Penelope: I did it, that’s me — I embarrassed myself, so, everybody, look at me —
Glenn: She really doesn’t stop, does she? [ steps closer to Penelope ] Hey, Penelope? Guess what. I have a cousin that lives in space, and I recently lost five-hundred pounds, and you know what? My wife and I got here by paddling a kayak down the street, and two minutes after my baby was born, she spke French.
Nicole: Glenn! [ embarrassed ]
Penelope: That’s — all I have to say is: I have sixty cousins that live in space and other dimsensions, um — I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and, um, I invented kayaks, and I invented the streets, so — um — I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, um — and, uh — I can fly, so — [ she continues to ramble on as the group quickly disperses ]
Glenn: Honey, let’s get our coats.
Nicole: Yeah. [ they exit the room, as most of the other guests follow suit ]
Anthony: I’m sorry! Guys, don’t go! [ chases after his friends ]
Sue: Thanks a lot, Penelope.
Penelope: She’s thanking me, so — [ a couple stands next to her ] I have this table — I have that putfit, too, so —
Peyton Manning: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s such an honor and a thrill to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a fun year for me, as I’ve accomplished two of my lifelong goals: 1) I appeared in over half of America’s television commercials, and, uh, 2) my team, The Colts, won the Super Bowl. So, uh —
[ audience cheers loudly ]
You know, when you win the Super Bowl, the biggest challenge is not having a letdown year the next year, and so you ask, “How do I stay motivated?” Well, let me tell you a little story. I was recently visiting a Veteran’s Hospital in Boston, and I sat with Joe O’Malley — 85 years old, an incredible guy — and he said to me, “Peyton, what do Tom Brady and the circus have in common?” I said, “What’s that, Joe?” He said, “They both have two more rings than you do.” [ audience reaction is mixed between laughter and groans, which Peyton shrugs off ] You know, I really — Joe, honestly, I want to say Thanks, because of that comment I’m gonna go back and work hard to be sure and kick y’all’s ass next year! [ audience cheers ]
You know — and I have to say, finally getting a Super Bowl ring has helped me realize what’s most important in my life, and that’s family. for those of you who don’t know, I come from a football family. They mean the world to me, and some of them are here tonight. I’d like to introduce them to you, if I could. First, there’s my father — Archie Manning is here! Dad, stand up!
[ the audience cheers as Archie Manning, New Orleans Saints, Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, stands among them ]
My dad was an NFL quarterback for fifteen years — he taught me everything I know! My brother, eli Manning, is here!
[ the audience cheers as Eli Manning, New York Giants, stands among them ]
Of course, you know Eli is a quarterback for the New York Giants. My wonderful mother, Olivia, is here!
[ the audience cheers as Olivia Manning stands among them ]
[ somber ] She didn’t make it to the NFL, uh — she didn’t have what it took. She got cut by the Dolphins, she tried in Canada for a bit, uh — she’s a real disappoint to all of us, uh, you know — she’s still a great lady, and we love her.
I am happy they’re here. I’m happy you’re here. Carrie Underwood is here, also. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ open on the image of a meatloaf being sliced and smothered in gravy ]
Peyton Manning V/O: Do you love meatloaf the way I do? Juicy, hot slices piled high and smothered in a rich, brown gravy?
[ cut to Peyton Manning ]
Peyton Manning: I’m Peyton Manning. And, if you like meatloaf as much as me, I’ve got the car for you. [ cut to Manning standing next to a white car ] The new Mercedes-550. A meatloaf lover’s dream. Look inside.
[ show interior of the vehicle ]
Peyton Manning V/O: Rich leather upholstery, wood grain highlights, and a stainless steel meatloaf oven simply to die for.
[ cut to Peyton driving the car along the highway ]
Peyton Manning: This is your car. Only the very best and tastiest meatloafs, cooked right here while you drive. Succulent — [ holds up a fork and takes a bite of the meatloaf ] juicy, done right. Homemade meatloaf straight from the oven and into your mouth.
[ cut to Peyton walking around to the trunk ]
Peyton Manning: Not enough? Check out what our engineer did to the trunk —
[ cut to close-up of the trunk as the lid is raised to reveal frozen meatloafs, plates, condiments and more ]
Peyton Manning V/O: — or, should I say, the butler’s pantry? Gravy holders.. ketchup.. frozen loafs —
[ cut to Peyton standing along the side of the car ]
Peyton Manning: And here’s the best part — you ride around in the 550 without your pants on!
[ camera zooms out to reveal that Peyton is pantsless ]
[ cut to Peyton entering the driver’s seat pantsless ]
Peyton Manning: That’s right — no pants!
[ show overhead shot of toilets inside the driver’s and front passenger’s seats ]
Peyton Manning V/O: Each seat is a toilet.
[ cut back to Peyton sitting pantsless in the driver’s seat ]
Peyton Manning: Do we know our meatloaf lover’s or what?
[ cut to product symbol, with SUPER: “Meatloaf Lovers Dream” ]
Announcer: The Mercedes-550. A meatloaf lovers dream.
Air Date:
