Karen Donnally: Greetings, wildlife enthusiasts! My name is Karen Donnally, and today I’d like to talk about some very special animals that don’t get much attention: sloths! They’re furry — [ with grave uncertainty ] they have.. two or three toes, and, yes, they’re very, very slow. Luckily, we’ve just received a brand new documentary on these adorable creatures, from a group of students at Staten Island Technical High School. I haven’t seen it yet, but I heard it’s a real eye-opener! Let’s check it out!
[ cut to documentary jungle footage ]
[ SUPER: “Somewhere” ]
[ SUPER: “Deep In The Jungle” ]
[ a heavy metal guitar riff kicks in, as cutouts of sloth photos swing across the screen. The lyrics that bounce upon the screen match the animation of that sloth cutouts throughout the documentary video. ]
Forest Whitaker: I want to thank Keith Urban for his, uh, amazing music! It’s been an amazing week, and there’s a bunch of amaznig people at “SNL” and “Saturday Night Live” — this AMAZING cast! It’s been an AMAZING time! Thank you! Thank you!
Speed Pendleton…..Jason Sudeikis Claire Brinkley…..Kristen Wiig Alex Grenki…..Forest Whitaker Gary Blinz…..Fred Armisen Eddie Van Milkser…..Will Forte Sam Fantastic…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on game show set ]
Announcer: Welcome back to the ONLY game show that asks the question: [ title zooms in ] “Am I A Crazy Street Person?” And now, your host — Speed Pendleton!
[ Speed comes running onto the set, chuckling heartily ]
Speed Pendleton: Alright! Welcome to the show! Let’s meet our contestants!
[ show Claire Brinkley ]
Speed Pendleton: She’s a mother of two, from San Diego, California — please welcome, Claire Brinkley!
Claire Brinkley: Hi, Speed!
[ show Alex Grenki ]
Speed Pendleton: And — he’s an entrepreneur, ALSO from San Diego — Alex Grenki!
Alex Grenki: Hey, Speed!
Speed Pendleton: Both from San Diego — nice coincidence!
Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] You actually look familiar.
Alex Grenki: Great!
Speed Pendleton: Contestants — contestants, you know how the game works. A mystery guest will come out and tell you their profession. You ask them questions, and then decide: “Are they telling the truth, or are they a crazy street person?” Let’s bring out our first mystery guest. His name is Gary Blinz, and he claims to be a sea captain.
[ music plays, as Gary steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in tattered seaman’s clothing. ]
Gary Blinz: Ahoy there!
Speed Pendleton: Alright, Claire — you have the first question.
Claire Brinkley: How long have you been a sea captain?
Gary Blinz: [ clutching a seaman’s pipe ] I have been a ski captain from the day I graduated from the esteemed Sea Captain Academy in Hastings, England, United Kingdom.
Speed Pendleton: Alex.
Alex Grenki: Do you like the sea?
Gary Blinz: I like the sea VERY much!
Claire Brinkley: Where’s the ship’s bow?
Gary Blinz: Wherever the captain says it is! [ lets out a boisterous nervous laugh ]
[ Alex is also laughing ]
Alex Grenki: What’s the ocean like?
Gary Blinz: It’s very nice.
Claire Brinkley: Name an ocean.
Gary Blinz: [ thinking, comes up with nothing ] Pass!
Alex Grenki: How big is your boat?
Gary Blinz: It’s the size of a cardboard refrigerator box.
[ bell dings ]
Speed Pendleton: Okay. Let’s make your guesses. Is he a sea captain, or a crazy street person? [ Claire and Alex write down their answers, as the timer sounds ] Alright. Claire, you guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” and, Alex, you said: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Sea Captain.” The right answer is: CRAZY!! [ steps over to Alex’s podium ] Alright. So, Alex, uh — [ Gary walks across the stage to exit ] What the heck? [ continues ] Alex, what made you say Sea Captain?
Alex Grenki: Well, he liked the sea.
Speed Pendleton: [ shakes his head ] He couldn’t name an ocean.
Alex Grenki: I’ll get him next time!cI don’t doubt it! Well, let’s bring him out. He says he’s a spaceman — Eddie Van Milkser!
[ music plays, as Eddie steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in what looks like a homemade space costume. ]
Eddie Van Milkser: Hel-lo there!
Alex Grenki: [ excited ] Ohhh! A spaceman!
Speed Pendleton: Ah, not so fast. Let’s, uh — let’s ask some questions first, alright? Alex, it’s your turn.
Alex Grenki: [ to Gary ] What is it like being a spaceman?
Eddie Van Milkser: It’s the thrill of a life-time!
Claire Brinkley: [ poker-faced ] Were you born in space?
Eddie Van Milkser: I was born in Cleve-land and MOVED to space!
Alex Grenki: Are you friends with other spacemen?
Eddie Van Milkser: Yes! We ALL live to-geth-er — it’s a ZOO!
Alex Grenki: Is that the outfit you wear in space?
Eddie Van Milkser: [ angry ] I don’t like your TONE!!
Alex Grenki: What’s your favorite animal at the zoo?
Eddie Van Milkser: The wooly bear. It’s a creature I brought back from Mars — half-bear, half-Garbouli bean!
Claire Brinkley: [ smiles ] I don’t need my last question.Eddie Van Milkser: Alright, well, let’s write down your answers! [ Claire and Alex write down their answers ] Spaceman, or Crazy Street Person? Hmmmm.. [ timer sounds ] Alright, Claire guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” And Alex guessed: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Spaceman and also my hero.” Alright. and the answer was: CRAZY!! Claire, what have him away?
Claire Brinkley: Well, he’s wearing a tin foil helmet —
Speed Pendleton: Uh-huh.
Claire Brinkley: And he yelled at me —
Speed Pendleton: Yeah.
Claire Brinkley: And there’s no such thing as a spaceman.
Speed Pendleton: Makes sense to me! [ smiles ] Well, don’t worry, Alex, ’cause in the last round the points are doubled.
Claire Brinkley: Speed, can I talk to you?
Speed Pendleton: [ taken aback ] Uh — sure. Go ahead.
Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] Excuse me. [ steps over to Speed ] I know where I recognize Alex from — he’s on flyers all over town. He escaped from the institution.
Speed Pendleton: You sure that’s him?
[ Alex wanders over ]
Alex Grenki: What are you guys talking about?
Speed Pendleton: I —
Claire Brinkley: N-nothing.
Speed Pendleton: The score! [ laughs, as Alex returns to his podium ] Well, it’ll be over soon, so —
Claire Brinkley: Okay. [ returns to her podium ]
Speed Pendleton: Let’s bring out our next stranger. He’s Sam Fantastic, and he’s a VERY important businessman!
[ music plays, as Sam steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in a dirty business suit, with wild hair and a crooked cigarette dangling from his mouth. ]
Sam Fantastic: Well! Hello, y’all! I ask only that we make this quick! ‘Cause I am on my way to a very importantest business meeting!
Claire Brinkley: Alex can have my questions.
Speed Pendleton: Alright.
Alex Grenki: What business are you in?
Speed Pendleton: Importantest business!
Alex Grenki: [ chuckles ] You aren’t gonna fool me this time! That’s a businessman!
Claire Brinkley: No, it’s NOT!!
[ bell dings ]
Speed Pendleton: You are CORRECT, Claire!! Which means YOU go to the Bonus Round!! And, Alex, I’m sorry — you get our home game!
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Lynne Cheney…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on title card: “Happy Valentine’s Day from the Cheney Family” ]
Announcer: And now, a Valentine’s moment from Vice-President Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney: Hello. I’m Dick Cheney. This is my wife, Lynne.
Lynne Cheney: Hello.
Dick Cheney: You know, Valentine’s Day is always special, here at the Cheney household. We love all the cards we get from our friends and family, and, uh, we always make time to share them with each other. So, tonight, we thought, suring this somwhat acrimonious political season, why not share our Valentine’s with everyone? Spread the jots of wealth. For example, here’s one from a former member of my staff, and close friend, Scooter Libby:
“Roses are red, Violets are blue. If I go to jail, You’re gonna go, too.”
[ smiles ] “Happy Valentine’s – Scooter Libby.”
[ looks to Lynne ] Do we even know anyone named Scooter Libby?
Lynne Cheney: I don’t think so.
Dick Cheney: I didn’t think so.
Lynne Cheney: Here’s one from our old friend, Harry Whittington. [ hands Dick the card ]
Dick Cheney: You may remember that he and I were involved in a hunting accident last year around this time. [ clears throat ] He writes:
“Dear, Dick: Remember when you shot me in the face? Well, down here in Texas, when I go any place, They say, ‘There goes the guy Dick Cheney shot in the face.'”
That’s nice.
Lynne Cheney: Yes. Here’s one from our good friend, Wolf Blitzer, over at CNN. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: Recently, Wolf and I shared an uncomfortable moment after an appearance on his show where he made the mistake of asking me about my daughter, which I consider off-limits. [ opens card ]
“Dear, Dick: It’s true I crossed the line, But let’s save the drama for the thespians. Your daughter had a baby, And that baby.. will be raised by queers.”
[ flips the card around, curiously ] What the hell – that doesn’t even rhyme. I don’t think we like Wolf Blitzer too much. Lynne, you, uh – you wrote him a Valentine’s this year, didn’t you?
Lynne Cheney: Yes, I did. I’m not really a poet. Here goes:
“Hey, Wolf Blitzer, Yuo sanctimonious buffoon. Your time is coming, And it’s coming real soon. Dick’s gonna get you, And he’s gonna cut off your beard. And you’re gonna look weird, When you don’t have a beard. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
Dick Cheney: I like that. I —
Lynne Cheney: [ cuts him off ] Here’s one from Lance Corporal Peter Fine. He’s stationed in Iraq. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: Alright. Now, I’m very instrumental in the decision to free Iraq, and I think our troops understand that and appreciate it:
“Happy Valentine’s, Mr. Cheney, It’s hot here, in Iraq. I can’t wait for you to get here, So you can suck –“
I don’t think we need to finish that. [ Lynne shakes her head no ] Why don’t you, uh — why don’t you, uh, hand me antoher one from the uh, from the Iraq bunch?
Lynne Cheney: Sure. [ sifts through the stack of cards, examining each one first ] Well, you don’t want to read this one. [ examines next card ] This one’s not very nice. [ examines next card ] Can’t say that word on the air! Um, why don’t we just, uh, just read these later? [ smiles ]
Dick Cheney: Alright.
Lynne Cheney: Here’s one from all of our friends over at Halliburton. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: Oh, that’s nice of them. “Dear Dick: No words could tell the friendship we share with you. So please except this small gift, so that we shall remain true. Happy Valentine’s Day, your friends at Halliburton.” Very nice. And, look – it’s a Barnes & Noble gift card.
Lynne Cheney: Hmm. That’s sweet. How much?
Dick Cheney: Uh – oh! Half a million dollars! [ chuckles heartily ]
Lynne Cheney: Maybe we should just read one more.
Dick Cheney: Alright.
Lynne Cheney: Read this one. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: [ reads ] “The terrorists are coming to kill us They want our way of life to end. We must live every day in fear, Because fear is our only friend. Love, Lynne Cheney.”
[ takes her hand ] You do know the way to my heart!
Lynne Cheney: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Dick Cheney: And Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you — also, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Betty Caruso…..Amy Poehler Jodi Deitz…..Maya Rudolph Dr. Joseph Humphries…..Forrest Whitaker Dr. Cora Reynolds…..Kristen Wiig Voice of Frankie…..
(Lots and lots of chatter.)
Betty: Hello, Hello. Whoo! This is Bronx Beat. Im Betty. This is Jody.
Jodi: Im Jody.
Betty: God Why did we do this show today?
Jodi: I dont even know. What is this show? I honestly have no idea. You know, when I left the house this morning, it was pitch dark outside. There was nary a person on the streets.
Betty: Nobody but nurses and drunks.
Jodi: Nurses and drunks.
Betty: Its freezing out. Im cold! Im depressed. What do you call that season
Jodi: The Winds of Time.
Betty: The winds of time. Yes.
Jodi: You know, I wish I was a bear so I can sleep and wake up in the Spring.
Betty: Yeah, just hibernate.
Jodi: Hibernate.
Betty: Hibernate.
Jodi: I wanna go into one of those Bear comas. You know, wake me when its ova.
Betty: You know if I hibernated, if I went into a bear coma, you know whatd happen to my husband? He would starve to death.
Jodi: Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock.
Betty: Ah, stupid. Stupid. You know Wake me when its summa. You know what? Im grouchy today.
Jodi: You are grouchy.
Betty: Im grouchy.
Jodi: You know what? Im grouchy.
Betty: Were allowed to be grouchy. Be grouchy. Be good to yourself. You only live once and the way things are going these days, the whole worlds gonna blow up.
Jodi: You know, everybody in my house is sick.
Betty: You know what people dont know how to do at my house, they dont know how to use a Kleenex. Its disgusting.
Jodi: Disgusting. Ugh. So many germs. Id pay a million dollars for someone to come to my house and get rid of all the germs.
Betty: Oh!
Jodi: My house is germ city.
Betty: Yeah, what would they use? How could you get rid of all the germs in your house? Gallons of Purell? Hot blowas? Its not gonna work.
Jodi: I dont know. It doesnt matta.
Betty: You know what I saw on TV?
Jodi: huh?
Betty: There are bugs that live in yah eyelids and you can neva get them out.
Jodi: Disgusting.
Betty: Neva.
Jodi: Its gross. Geeze. Now, I gotta add that to my list of worries.
Betty: Yah eyelids are the bugs house.
Jodi: Gross.
Betty: Its garbage.
Jodi: What are you gonna even tell me that for? Its disgusting!
Betty: Alright, Alright. We have guests! Plural. Here we go.
Jodi: Oh God, theres two of em?
Betty: yeah, two. God, alright. Just bring them out.
Jodi: Just bring them out.
Betty: Just bring them out. Get it over with. .I cant read this. You need to type these names.
Jodi: I was half asleep when I got here this morning. My hand was frozen, like a claw position.
Betty: Is this an S or a 5?
Jodi: Who knows? How am I supposed to know?
Betty: I cant even read it. Oh.. Dr. JosephOh! Youre already here.
Jodi: Sneakin up on us.
Betty: Alright, so. Where are you from?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Were from the New York blood center and we launching our Bronx community blood program to help increase the level of blood donations in the Bronx.
Jodi: Ugh. Stop sayin blood.
Betty: Yah makin me sick.
Jodi: Im gonna faint.
Betty: I cant even look at a sewing needle.
Jodi: Oh God. . All of these medical shows They make me sick. I cant even watch Scrubs.
Betty: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Go ahead.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Joe and I will be at North Central Bronx hospital in the nurses residence Sunday from 12 to —
Jodi: So, how long yah been married?
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Oh, oh.. Were not married. I mean.. not to each other. Hes married. (Nervous)
Betty: Not for long.
(Both Better and Jodi smile and nod at them for a bit.)
Betty: Because, guess what? . He loves you.
Jodi: He loves you.
Betty: He loooves you. Look at the way hes smiling at you! Va va vooom!
Jodi: Love birds!
Betty: Love birds! Look at how hes smiling.
Jodi: Theyre in love!
Betty: Theyre in love!
Jodi: The feeling is mutual. Shes got oogily eyes for him.
Betty: Hes adorable!
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We have a great deal of respect for each other, but were strictly coworkers.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Yes, yes. Strictly professional.
Jodi: Yeah.
Betty: Yeah.
Jodi: Sure.
Betty: Sure. Thats what youre going with. Alright. Yup.
Jodi: Whateva.
Betty: So Blood drive. ..Ugh. Blood drive.
Jodi: Ugh. Thats two things I hate. Blood and driving.
Betty: Ugh! .You know what world I hate? .Hemoglobin.
Jodi: Ew. Gross.
Betty: It doesnt make any sense. It makes me sick.
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We started the program a few months ago and were very excited–
Jodi: Let me ask yah something. You two share an office?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Well, there are a few of us in the office.
Betty: Ah, close quarters.
Jodi: Uh huh. Long hours.
Betty: Yup. Drinks after work.
Jodi: You know the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband? Nineteen Eighty-Neva. You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere. ..It drives me nuts. I hate him, but you know what? I love him. (starts getting emotional)
Betty: Oh god. Here she goes.
Jodi: And my two daughters. And my son. Hes a good man.
Betty: Very emotional now. God.
Jodi: I know.
Betty: Alright. Anyway. Blood Drive. Go.
Jodi: Blood drive.
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Yes, please. Come down. Donate blood. Its easier than you think.
Betty: Hey. Let me pass something on to you two Love has no color.
Jodi: Shes right. Color of yah skin Doesnt matta.
Betty: I dated a Puerto Rican once. I met him at a Yankees game. He was handing out nuts. Drove my parents bonkas.
Jodi: Sexy! I didnt know that.
Betty: He was a good kissa. God. Such a good kissa. Not like my husband Ugh! Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.
Jodi: Tell me about it.
Betty: Its like kissing a dead fish. Id rather read a book. Id rather kiss a book!
Jodi: I bet you two smash your faces together each chance you get. Let me tell yah something. You are gonna open your desk, and theres gonna be a secret present in there and guess what? Its. From. Him.
Betty: Bingo, Jodi. He loves you!
Jodi: Hes in love with you!
Betty: Lookit! Hes loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.
Jodi: Yeah, noone is watching this show. Just kiss her.
Betty: Kiss her! Noones watching.
Jodi: Just do it!
Betty: Just kiss each other! . Were pressuring them. Were pressuring them. Alright. Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. Alright. How do we take a call? How do we do this?
Jodi: Ugh, I dunno. Just press a button.
Betty: This is stupid! These buttons!
Jodi: Thing thing drives me nuts.
Betty: Hello?
Frankie (voice): Ma? I threw up.
Jodi: Aww, its little Frankie. Aww, you threw up? Alright, where are you?
Frankie (voice): I threw up on your bedspread.
Betty: Aww, your bedspread is beautiful.
Jodi: Aww , poor baby. Sweeetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale. Where is your father?
Frankie (voice): In the garage.
Jodi: Unbelievable. Hes unbelievable. Hes in the garage, making his own beer.
Betty: Ugh! Grow up. So, stupid.
Jodi: Alright. Bye Frankie. Go get your dumb father. Ugh!
Betty: Oh, God. Sooo You two are doctas. Whats Frankie got? The flu?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Maybe?
Jodi: Yeah. Whats Frankie got? The flu?
Betty: Chicken Flu?
Jodi: Stomach Flu?
Betty: Bird Flu?
Jodi: Chicken Flu?
Betty: Super Flu?
Jodi: Mega Flu?
Betty: Mega Mega Flu?
Jodi: Supa Dupa Flu?
Betty: I tell yah. Ill tell yah what everyone does have Bugs in yah eyelids.
Jodi: Ick. Freaky.
Betty: Its disgusting. Its garbage.
(pregnant pause while both are staring at the two Drs.)
Betty: Alright you guys, take care.
Jodi: Alright. Yeah. You two love birds take care. Do yah thing. Buh-bye!
Betty: Bye bye!
(Two Drs. Stand up.)
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We are not in love.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: What? Were not?
(Two women chatter about stuff until lights go down)
Announcer: Animal Planet Sports presents: “Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions: The Road to the Final Four.”
[ dissolve to Grug Gumbel and Katrina Hoffman at the anchor desk ]
Greg Gumbel: Hello, everybody. And welcome back to quarterfinal action in Animal Planet’s “Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions.” I’m Greg Gumbel. and, with me once again, as she has been throughout this tournament, is former PETA board member and unreasoning animal rights zealot, Katrina Hoffman.
Katrina Hoffman: [ chipper ] Thanks, Greg! As you know, this tournament is not about running or jumping or climbing. It’s about a fight to the finish between two competitors of different species. No weapons, no armor, and no rules. Except one: the law of the jungle.
Greg Gumbel: A little more than six weeks ago, 128 human beings and animals entered this competition. In a few hours, only four will remain. We’ve got some interesting humans versus animal match-ups in store for you tonight. Hey, Katrina: [ smugly ] I think I know who you’ll be rooting for.
Katrina Hoffman: [ laughs ] What can I say! I LOVE animals, and I absolutely DESPISE human beings!
Greg Gumbel: If you’re just joining us, you missed some thrilling action earlier today. In our first match-up, the tournament’s Cinderella — the dwarf hamster, which had won the hearts of everyone in this arena, with its stunning upset victory over heavily-favored ex-Army major, John Pinto — learned that sometimes the glass slipper doesn’t fit. For this Cinderella, the clock struck midnight when it squared off against tournament favorite — the Arctic polar bear — and was immediately torn to pieces and devoured. The polar bear NOW advances.. to the semifinals, where it will face Wisconsin registered nurse, Peg Larson, who survived a stubborn challenge against a very determined giraffe. But in just a moment, we’ve got the day’s most eagerly anticipated bout, between Seattle Aerosmith engineer, David Angelides — who got to this round by virtue of his win over the manatee — and his opponent, the mountain lion — which defeated a swarm of fruit flies in what was surely this tournament’s strangest contest.
[ cut to pre-taped footage of David Angelides crouched in front of the mountain lion’s cage ]
Greg Gumbel V/O: Right now, you’re looking at the arena where we were — in just a few moments, the mountain lion will do battle with this long-time Boeing employee and father of four —
[ cut back to the studio ]
Greg Gumbel: But before we take you down for the start of this match, I remind you once again that your local cable provider reserves the right NOT to broadcast any images it deems.. “excessively violent.”
[ cut to David Angelides and the mountain lion together in the arena. The mountain lion lets out a high-pitched roar and lunges at David’s throat. Almost immediately, the screen is blacked out with the following text:
“Due to its graphic, violent nature, your local cable provider has deemed this video image unsuitable for broadcast.” ]
Greg Gumbel V/O: [ his commentary continues over the blacked-out video footage ] A quick start for the mountain lion! Wow!
[ cut back to the studio ]
Greg Gumbel: And less than two seconds in, and Mr. Angelides has already used his first time-out.
Katrina Hoffman: [ with a wide, proud smile ] The mountain lion is TOTALLY dictating his tempo, Greg, and that CAN’T be good for Mr. Angelides!
Greg Gumbel: We’re back.
[ cut back to the arena, where the mountain lion sits before David Angelides’ motionless, stretched-out body ]
Katrina Hoffman V/O: Okay. Obviously, Mr. Angelides wants to slow the tempo down.
Greg Gumbel V/O: If the mountain lion will let him.
Katrina Hoffman V/O: [ rooting for the mountain lion ] Is he dead?! Could he be dead?!
Greg Gumbel V/O: No, I think he’s just planning his next move —
[ high-pitched roars from the mountain lion, as the screen blacks out again with the following text:
“Due to its graphic, violent nature, your local cable provider has deemed this video image unsuitable for broadcast.” ]
Greg Gumbel V/O: Whoa! Whoa! That was NOT the move!
Katrina Hoffman V/O: I must tell you — I do NOT understand this strategy! And you say this guy designs jet engines??
Greg Gumbel V/O: I have to agree – this one’s all but over.
[ cut back to the studio ]
Greg Gumbel: And it IS! It’s over! The mountain lion advances to the semifinals. What a story! This Rocky Mountain native with a troubled past, who just SIX months ago was on the endangered species list, now finds itself TWO wins away from the National Championship.
Katrina Hoffman: [ pleased ] ONLY in America!
Greg Gumbel: But, right now, let’s go to our own Rosalyn Maddox, who’s with the loser of the matvh we just saw — David Angelides.
[ cut to Rosalyn Maddox interviewing a bloody and mauled David Angelides ]
Rosalyn Maddox: David, uh — obviously, not the kind of night you hoped for.
David Angelides: [ shakes his head, which is missing huges patches of hair ] No. No, but you’ve gotta give all the credit to the mountain lion. Everything was working for it. The, uh — the slashing with its claws, the leaping on my back, and sinking its fangs into my back — everything. It really brought its “A” game today.
Rosalyn Maddox: Yeah. Was there a — was there a particular moment when you said to yourself, “It’s just — it’s just not my night”?
David Angelides: [ thinking ] Probably when the mountain lion urinated on me.
Rosalyn Maddox: Did you take that as a sort of “Showboat — Who’s Your Daddy?” move?
David Angelides: No, no, not at all. Not at all. No, uh — they do that to mark their prey, I — I wasn’t offended.
Rosalyn Maddox: Yeah. Is there anything you can take away from a defeat like this.. to build on for the future?
David Angelides: [ thinks long and hard, as his neck begins to squirt blood ] I can’t think of anything.
Rosalyn Maddox: Will we see you back next year?
David Angelides: Hey, I don’t know, Rosalyn, I — I’ve lost an arm, most of a leg, at least one, if not both, kidneys. I, uh — I mean, I really got my ass handed to me today. Literally. Uh — after removing my ass with one swipe of its paw, the mountain lion literally handed it back to me.
Rosalyn Maddox: Mmm-hmm. A nice gesture.
David Angelides: Yeah. I thought so.
Rosalyn Maddox: One last question: uh — was the shoulder injury you suffered against the pygmied hippo a factor tonight?
David Angelides: Uh — I’m not going to make excuses. You know what they say: excuses are like buttholes, everybody’s got one. [ a beat ] Well, except me, I guess. Uh — not any more. At least.. I can’t feel it. [ attempts to tighten his hind quarters whilwe standing ] No.. I don’t have it.
Rosalyn Maddox: Well, thank you for spending this time with us.
David Angelides: Sure.
Rosalyn Maddox: Greg, Katrina, back to you.
[ cut back to the studio. Katrina tries to hide her delight with the mountain lion’s victory as Greg looks for the right words to say ]
Greg Gumbel: Alright. One last piece of the puzzle remains to complete our Final Four. Will it be the king cobra, or former presidential candidate, Michael Dukakis?
Katrina Hoffman: Greg, I would be ASTONISHED if it’s not the cobra!
Greg Gumbel: We’ll find out shortly. Stick around. We’ll be back, right after this.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Guest Writers:
February 10th, 2007 Forest Whitaker Keith Urban None None Jim Cashman Happy Valentine’s Day from the Cheney FamilySummary: Dick (Darrell Hammond) and Lynne Cheney (Kristen Wiig) read from the various Valentine’s Day cards they’ve received. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney. Transcript
Montage
Forest Whitaker’s MonologueSummary: Forest Whitaker and Maya Rudolph sing “Get Ready.” Bio: Forest Whitaker (1961). Actor; entered college on a football scholarship, yet focused on music and trained as an operatic tenor before turning his interests toward acting; films include: “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (1982), “Platoon” (1986), and “Good Morning, Vietnam” (1987); Oscar-nominated for his portrayal of Idi Amin in “The Last King of Scotland.”
Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter about the cold weather in New York this week, while interviewing Dr. Joseph Humphries (Forest Whitaker) and Dr. Cora Reynolds (Kristen Wiig) about an upcoming blood drive. Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Ordinary scenes become extraordinary whenever we see “Andy Popping Into Frame.” Will Forte attempts to cut in on the action, until the attention-starved Andy holds a gun to his head.
Singing WaiterSummary: Restaurant patrons (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph) endure endless singing from a waiter (Forest Whitaker) who insists on performing the entire song. Transcript
UrigroSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the renwed vigor of his urine stream. Note: Repeat from 01/20/07.
Man vs. BeastSummary: Humans compete with animals in a fight to the death. Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel. Transcript
Keith Urban performs “Stupid Boy”Bio: Keith Urban (1967-). Country singer; married to actress Nicole Kidman since 2006; in 2007, sued same-name New Jersey painter for the rights to http://www.keithurban.com.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and the Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) measure presidential contender Barack Obama on the Blackness Scale. Scandal-ridden astronaut Bill Oefelein (Jason Sudeikis) tells his side of the story and flirts with Amy Poehler. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton. Transcript
Whitney Houston’s Valentines Day SpecialSummary: Love-starved Whitney houston (Maya Rudolph) can only think of Bobby Brown during her Valentine’s special. Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston, Chaka Khan.
Am I a Crazy Street Person?Summary: Contestants are challenged to guess whether or not panelists are professional business people or crazy street trash. Note: Cut from the dress rehearsal of this season’s Jake Gyllenhaal episode. Transcript
Keith Urban performs “Once in a Lifetime”
A Message from the State Island ZooSummary: Zoo official Karen Donnally (Kristen Wiig) shows off a falsely accurate student video on the rocking lifestyle of sloths. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts AstronautSummary: Lisa Nowak (Kristen Wiig); cold open.
Air Force OneSummary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don’t have basketball skills. Note: This commercial parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Peyton Manning.
Best Chef Super ChallengeSummary: A contestant (Forest Whitaker) makes rude remarks to get the judges to choose him.
The BossSummary: The boss (Forest Whitaker) yells at employees who make mistakes.
PaintingsSummary: Two entrepreneurs (Forest Whitaker, Kenan Thompson) sell paintings of white celebrities painted black.
Cold OfficeSummary: Employee (Bill Hader) and his secretary (Amy Poehler) grumble about how cold it is in the office.
Food CourtSummary: Two guys (Fred Armisen, Forest Whitaker) try to pick up women in a food court.
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1933Summary: In 1933, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) continues to spout the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly. Recurring Characters: Out-of-Breath Jogger.
[Hunky, fruity, beefed up man-servants wearing football pads and short shorts vogue and carryDonatella Cleopatra style into her living room]
Donatella Versace:[slow, tired voice] Hello everybody, hello. Your old friend Donatella here. Now, I know you haven’t seen me for a while. It’s because I was in rehab for about 2 years. I had to go into the tank to cure my problem with cigarettes, champagne and telling people to get out. But the good news is I’m completely cured. [Man-servants give her a lit cigarette and a glass of champagne]Oh, thank you my babies. Now, GET OUT!!![Man-servants leave]Any foo-foo, welcome to my Super Bowl Party where we smoke, look good and watch football. I want you to meet my buddy who I watch all my ball games with. Believe me there’s no bigger football buff on earth than this guy. PRINCE!Predictions!
[Androgynous Prince sits on the sofa in his purple suit. Talks into his microphone, organ plays]
Prince: Dearly beloved![echoes]dearly beloved! We are gathered here today to listen my Super Bowl predictions. The Colts.
Donatella Versace: Wait a minute, Prince. Aren’t you supposed to be doing the half time show.[Prince has disappeared]Hey, where the hell did Prince go? All right, [sits and smokes]I got some snacks.[DING -DONG Doorbell]Oh, great. Who the “f” could that be?
[Door opens with power couple Posh Spice and David Beckham, a lot of paparazzi pushing through the door, cameras flashing]
Donatella Versace: Oh, look I forgot I invited Posh and Becks.
Posh Spice: [thick British accent]Can we invite the paparazzi in?
Donatella Versace: Chicken and a biscuit! Don’t make me tell you to get out before you even come in. Oh, the lights!! I’m allergic to the LIGHTS! Get in here, quickly![Door is closed, Posh and Becks sit down]Have some Tostitos Scoops.
David Beckham: [very nasal tone of voice]Thank you for inviting us.
Donatella Versace: Oh, my God!, is that really your voice or are you playing some cruel joke on me?
David Beckham: No. That is really my voice.
Posh Spice: Isn’t it sexy?
Donatella Versace: No. Dear Googa-Mooga! It sounds like the fattest man sitting on a million tiny balloons.
David Beckham: Thank You.
Donatella Versace: Your idea of a compliment is very different from mine, dumb ass.
Posh Spice: Donatella, what are these?
Donatella Versace: Chicken wings.
Posh Spice: What are they made of?
Donatella Versace: Chicken.
Posh Spice: Oh, that’s too bad because I don’t eat meat or vegetables or grains or liquids or dairy or…
Donatella Versace:[lifting tray with chicken wings]Please, try one. I insi-i-i-i-st!!
Posh Spice: No, thank you.
Donatella Versace: EAT!! EAT IT!! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND EAT THE CHICKEN WING!!!! EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT!!!!!!
[Posh licks a chicken wing]
Posh Spice: I’m full.
Donatella Versace: Jumpin Jehosaphat! You need to actually eat. You look like a pencil with two blood oranges glued to the top. Oh, and you! Close your shirt! I’m getting massive chest glare!!
David Beckham: But I’m freshly waxed.
Donatella Versace: Oh,gosh! You guys are really boring! If you were a football team you would be “Da Boooores” Now, GET OUT!!![The power couple leave] That’s been fantastic. Well, it’s officially time for some football. Donatella’s ready.[sips champagne]
[Enters Elton John holding a big bowl and wearing a black Bears jersey]
Elton John: [sings]”Someone saved my life tonight…
Donatella Versace: Holy crap! It can’t be!
Elton John: Hello Donatella. Long time no see. I brought you some of Mama John’s delicious red hot chili bean and cheese dip. Except I replaced the cheese with more beans.
Donatella Versace: Oh, my God! Why do you eat so many beans, queen?
Elton John: Because they are a musical fruit. And so am I.[smiles]
Donatella Versace: So it’s true. You really are what you eat.
Elton John: Yes, Donatella. That is why you are a gigantic wiener.
Donatella Versace: Are you saying I eat gigantic wieners?
Elton John: Yes, constantly.
Donatella Versace: So, do you have a gigantic wiener for me?
Elton John: Yes, but I only put mine in buns.
[They share a curious look]
Donatella Versace: You crazy bitch. I’ve missed you so much. [kisses both cheeks]
Elton John: OK, hey Donatella. Hey, it’s time for a pass.[takes out football] Go for a long one!
Donatella Versace: That’s what she said.[Football bounces off her head]
Elton John: Sorry, Donatella.
Donatella Versace: No worries. You know how much I love balls flying at my face.
Elton John: Me too.
[They both stare lovingly into the camera]
Donatella Versace: Well, Auntie Mame. Any prediction for the Super Bowl?
Elton John: When it comes to the big game. I always go with the defense and the strong running attack.[Sings like one of his tunes]”And I guess that’s why I’m picking The Bears/ 44-10/Yes, I’m picking The Bea-a-a-a-ars!!
Donatella Versace: Please everyone, enjoy the stupid game and get out.
[Techno music plays and man-servants vogue while Elton throws the football again at Donatella, she drops the ball]
…..Seth Meyers …..Amy Poehler Barbara Birmingham…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
Senator Barack Obama proposed. for the first time. setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don’t know your foreign policy, you might only get elected President twice.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game between the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears was unexpectedly canceled today, when the two teams signed a treaty and declared an end to hostilities.
Seth Meyers: In an interview Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney acknowledged that an aircraft carrier sent to the Persian Gulf sends Iran a strong message that says “Wwe’re here to stay.” Because nothing says “We’re here to stay” like a boat.
Scientists from 113 countries issued a landmark report Friday, saying that they are 90% certain that recent global warming had been caused by man. Specifically, this man: [ reveal picture of Seth cuddling with a tiger ]
Amy Poehler: [ rolling her eyes ] Gross.
Seth Meyers: You like it!
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Ugh.
Researchers in West Virginia announced Friday the results of a study that suggest playing the video game “Dance, Dance Revolution” improves the health of overweight kids. Though not as much as its rival game, “Hamburger on a String.”
In her first interview since leaving rehab, Miss USA Tara Conner told People magazine that she’s dabbled in cocaine. Though in her defense, it was during the “cocaine-dabbling” segment of the Miss USA Pageant.
Seth Meyers: To promote the launch of Microsoft’s new Vista operating system, performers from the Grounded Aerial Dance Theater danced across a seven-story building in Manhattan. Wow! One of Manhattan’s famed seven-story buildings!
Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, a bill was introduced in the California State Assembly, banning spanking of any child under age three, even between a parent and child. Here with a comment is our very own Update Nanny, Barbara Birmingham.
Barbara Birmingham: [ removes her cigarette and blows smoke ] Mmm-mmm-mmm. Amy! I been NOT takin’ mess from kids for twenty-five years! And let me tell you something, straight up and down: this spankin’ ban is DOO-DOO!! Every child that has been reared from these upper bosoms — [ cups her upper bosoms ] has gone on to MAKE something of themselves! Primarily due to the use of my special techniques, held within my book — [ holds up her book ] “I Will Beat Yo Ass!” by Barbara Birmingham. An easyreading autobiography.
Seth Meyers: [ he just has to ask: ] Why do you have an autobiography?
Barbara Birmingham: [ lunges across the Update desk towards Seth ] HEY, PUNK!!
[ Amy holds Barbara back as she yells unintelligibly at a stunned Seth. Barbra finally retreats back to her seat. ]
Barbara Birmingham: As I was saying.. Kids are real smartasses these days! So you have to be JUST as smart. [ holds up a baby doll ] Let’s just suppose that this adorable fake baby is your child, and it come to you looking for a midnight snack. [ turns to Amy ] Here — you be the mommy.
Amy Poehler: Okay..
Barbara Birmingham: [ motioning the baby doll ] “Mommy, Mommy! I want some ice cream! I want somwe ice cream!” Now, you respond.
Amy Poehler: Oh. Um — [ with great sincerity: ] “Now, Benjamin.. didn’t we have a talk about that?”
Barbara Birmingham: You askin’?! No, no, no, no, no! That’s not how we do it. Let me show you what we do this one: [ taps her lit cigarette, then puffs it within a foot of the baby doll, blows and fans smoke into its face, and finally speaks in a slow monotone ] You ask me about ice cream one more time, and I’m gonna slap the taste buds out your mouth! Then, whatcha gonna need with ice cream when you ain’t got no TASTE BUDS?!!”
Amy Poehler: That is horrible!
Barbara Birmingham: That is.. discipline!
Amy Poehler: What if we don’t want to do that?
Barbara Birmingham: [ holds up her book ] I will beat yo ass!
Amy Poehler: Barbara Birmingham, everybody. Thank you.
Seth Meyers: A church in upstate New York is hosting a “Porn and Pancakes” breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. It’s expected to be much more successfully than the previous breakfast, which was just “Pancakes.”
On Monday, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized, eight months after fracturing his leg during the Preakness. Kind of like my grandma — minus the part about winning anything. Unless you consider osteoporosis the prize for Least Milk Consumption. Anyway, we’ll miss you Barbaro. But not you, Grandma. You were a loser to the end.
Amy Poehler: This week, the Pedro Almodóvar film, “Volver”, won for Best Film at Spain’s Goya Awards. For which it received the coveted Goya. [ reveal photo of Goya-brand beans mounted on a trophy ]
Seth Meyers: It was reported that a convicted sex offender won 14 million dollars in Florida’s lottery. The man says he will spend the money on a puppy and a van.
Prince Charles and his wife Camilla were in New York last weekend and spent time in Harlem, where the Prince played basketball. While Camilla sat motionless on the sidelines, frozen with fear.
Amy Poehler: A Belgian school is allowing students older than 16 to smoke on campus, as long as they stand in a cage and wear a badge displaying an X-ray image of tobacco-damaged lungs. Said the students, “Okay.”
Seth Meyers: A new study suggests that lavendar and tetri oils, found in some shampoos and soaps and lotions can, in rare cases, temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts.
Amy Poehler: Uh, Seth, uh — does it mention, uh, you know, specific brands or anything?
Seth Meyers: No.
Amy Poehler: Oh. Okay. Does it work on girls? Oh, you don’t — you don’t know! Okay. Cool! [ chuckles ] Just curious — you know, about science! Curious lie a cat! [ holds up her hands and lets out a roar ]
Seth Meyers: [ consoles Amy ] I’m sure you can get some —
Amy Poehler: HOW DARE YOU?!! [ scowls ] Next joke, please! [ smiles ]
The New Jersey Nets, this week, unveiled their new senior dance group that consists of members who range in age from 59 to 83. When asked what the group would wear, one member said, “Depends.”
Two lesbians have formed Mexico’s first gay civil union in a landmark ceremony. Learn all about it on the new Showtime series, “The El Word.”
An SNL Digital Short: Body Fuzion Written by: Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph
Desiree…..Drew Barrymore Donna…..Maya Rudolph Michelle…..Kristen Wiig Donna M…..Amy Poehler
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ cut to full-framed videotape presentation, with SUPER: “Body Fuzion Low Impact Workout” over jazzy piano music. Note that the picture contrast level occasionally fades in and out. ]
[ cut to workout studio scene, four women dressed in 80’s exercise garb ]
Desiree: [ cheery ] I’m Desiree. And this.. is “Body Fuzion.” [ close-up ] Do you want to meet my friends?
[ cut to close-up of Donna ]
Donna: Donna.
[ cut to close-up of Michelle ]
Michelle: Michelle.
[ cut to close-up of Donna M. ]
Donna M.: Donna.
[ cut to group shot ]
Desiree: Let’s begin. This is a Low Impact, Level One workout. But, just because it’s Low Impact, doesn’t mean you won’t get —
[ cut to Desiree poking her head between Donna M.’s legs ]
Desiree: — high results!
[ card: “First Exercise: “Steps” ” ]
[ cut to close-up of Desiree ]
Desiree: Our first exercise.. is called “The Step.”
[ cut to group shot of the women performing the exercise ]
Desiree: Step left.. step right.. left.. right.
[ cut to close-up of Donna ]
Donna: WHOO!!!
[ close-up full shot of Desiree performing the exercise, her spandexed breasts jiggling ]
Desiree: Left.. right.
[ cut to extreme close-up of Desiree ]
Desiree: If this is not challenging enough, watch Michell show you the “advanced” style.
[ cut to Michelle putting an extra sashay into the exercise move ]
Desiree V/O: Left.. right.. left.. or —
[ cut to close-up of Desiree ]
Desiree: Take it easy, and do it easier like Donna M.
[ cut to Donna M. performing the same exercise with an extra-slow sashay ]
[ as Desiree’s voice gives the commands, a series of shots are jump-cut — Donna’s hips swaying, Michelle’s breasts swaying, Donna M.’s hips swaying, Desiree’s breasts swaying ]
[ Michelle wipes her brow with a smile ]
[ cut to close-up of Desiree ]
Desiree: This aligns our shockras [?] and helps oxygenate blood.
[ card: “Muscle Fitness” ]
[ Desiree walks over to Michelle and places her arms on her shoulders ]
Desiree: Let’s tone our arms. You can use weights, or any household item.
Michelle: For a more advanced workout, use one-pound hand weights!
[ cut to Michelle’s arms holding the hand-weights at knee level, as she slowly lifts them up past her crotch and breasts and up to her slyly-grinning face ]
[ cut to Donna ]
Donna: Pencils! [ show Donna lifting the pencil hand-weights ]
[ cut to Donna M. ]
Donna M.: Or air. [ she mimes lifting air hand-weights ]
[ card: “Flexibility” ]
[ cut to Desiree leaning against the fireplace ]
Desiree: Flexibility is important. [ she raises her above her head ] Breathe. And, one.. two.. three.
[ cut to Donna performing the exercise ]
Desiree V/O: Do the best you can.
[ cut to Michelle performing the exercise — as she raises her leg, a pixelized circle covers her exposed crotch ]
Desiree V/O: Someone has done this before!
[ cut back to Desiree at the fireplace, still with her leg raised high ]
Desiree: Take it to the limit.
[ cut to close-up of Desiree, as she raises her leg straight to the ceiling and proceeds to bend it completely clockwise ]
Desiree: If this is too difficult.. work your fingers.
[ cut to Donna M. stretched across the floor, two fingers dressed in tights and stretching along the length of her buttocks ]
[ SUPER: “Fitness is important” ]
[ card: “Good Job” ]
[ this part of the tape is clearly damaged from overuse, as lines begin to bounce along the top and bottom of the screen for a few seconds ]
[ cut to Desiree ]
Desiree: That’s all for today. Put in Tape 2 for an even lower level body workout.
[ cut to group shot ]
Desiree: [ points at camera ] “Body Fuzion!” Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!
[ all four women dance and jiggle with excitement, occasionally hugging one another, bouncing their hips together, and rubbing each other’s buttocks ]
[ freeze-frame, with credits: “(c) 1986 Hollywood Productions Inc. & WGBH Boston” ]
Air Date:
