Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Poison Therapy

Written by: Jim Cashman

Therapist…..Kristen Wiig
Robin…..Drew Barrymore
Dean…..Will Forte

[open on therapy session ]

Therapist: Now, at our last session, you two said you were going to work on communication. How’s that been going?

Robin: Good. I think my anger towards Dean has really decreased, and I think that’s because we’ve been.. relating to each other in ways that aren’t.. confrontational.

Therapist: Good. Good. Dean, would you agree?

[ cut to close-up of Dean, whose face is severely scarred ]

Dean: Well.. she’s still poisoning me.. as you can see.

Therapist: Okay. Let’s deal with that. Robin, we’ve talked about that in past sessions. Are you still poisoning Dean?

[ Dean gives her a worried look. Robin offers no response. ]

Therapist: Okay. Let’s deal with feelings. Dean, how does the fact that Robin continue to poison you on a daily basis make you feel?

Dean: Well, uh, first off – I don’t know if it’s a daily thing, you know? That’s the nature of dioxin poisoning – it could be every day, it could be every other day. I don’t think it’s every day.

Robin: It’s not every day.

Dean: Good. Good. That’s progress. You know, uh, as to how it makes me feel — aside from the pain, and the vomiting, the facial disfigurement – I guess I’m disappointed? Uh – you know, because I feel like I’ve been trying to communicate better, and – and be a better listener to her.

Robin: And he really has been. He’s been really great. He’s been.. really great.

Dean: Okay.

Therapist: Then, why are you still poisoning him?

Robin: I don’t know. I mean, sometimes it’s just the little things – you know, like, I always do the laundry. [ sighs ] And that’s fine, I don’t mind. But if he could just acknowledge that and say, “Thank you.” I don’t know.

Therapist: Okay. Dean?

Dean: Well, she’s right. You know? I-I-I do take that for granted. But I kinda feel like, there’s always going to be something. You know? I-I-I’m not perfect.. and, if I mess up just a little bit, she’s gonna put a bunch of poison into my food.

Therapist: Do you hear what he’s saying, Robin. Do you think that’s accurate?

Robin: I-I do put poison in his food, so.. I can understand why he feels that way.

Dean: [ impressed ] You do?

Robin: Of course, I do.

Dean: Wow! You know, I-I-I didn’t think she’d say that. I-I guess I never know where I stand with her. You know? For example, last Sunday, we had a great day. You know, it was just the two of us, w-w-we took the dog for a walk, we had a picnic — it was just like when we started dating. And then when we get home, and she goes to the kitchen and writes on the grocery list – in big, red letters – “Dioxin.”

Robin: I was kidding. That was a joke.

Therapist: Robin, why would you joke about something like that?

Robin: [ sighs ] I think that I felt that, because we had such a good day, it would be funny. And it would be something he wouldn’t be expecting, and it would make him laugh.

Therapist: Dean? Did you know it was a joke.

Dean: No, I did not. But, uh – you know, looking back, I can see the humor in it. “Dioxin!” [ smiles, laughs ]

Therapist: I think they’re might be, uh — I think they’re might be something deeper going on here.

Robin: [ nods ] I think you’re right. I mean, we’ve talked about it in previous sessions, about me needing to feel more secure, and I haven’t been lately. I’ve had a lot of anxiety.

Therapist: About what?

Robin: Mostly financial. The bills are piling up, and Dean hasn’t been working lately, so.. that all falls on me.

Therapist: Dean?

Dean: Well, she’s right. I-I haven’t been working much. But I’m a – a model. And.. you know, would you hire a model that looked like this?

Robin: [ angered ] So, EVERYTHING is my fault! It’s ALL my fault!

Dean: [ whiny ] I did not say that!

Therapist: alright, alright. I’m gonna tell you — I’m gonna tell you what I see. Despite all the issues — the laundry, the money, the poisoning — I think the fact that you two come in here every week and try to work it out, speaks VOLUMES about how much you guys love each other. Do you agree?

Robin: [ considers the thought, smiles ] I do.

Dean: [ nods ] Yeah.

Therapist: Now, look at each other and say it.

Dean: I love you, honey.

Robin: I love you.

Therapist: Oh!

[ Dean and Robin kiss; afterwards, she attempts to lick the extract poison off her lips ]

Therapist: Great! I think this was a very – a very, very productive session. When will I see you guys again? Will I see you guys next week?

Dean: [ optimistic ] I hope so.

Robin: [ arms folded ] I’ll call you.

[ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Lily Allen performs “Smile”

…..Drew Barrymore
…..Lily Allen

Drew Barrymore: Ladies and gentlemen – Lily Allen.

Lily Allen: [ singing ]
“When you first left me, I was wanting more
But you were doing that girl next door, what’d’ya do that for
When you first left me, I didn’t know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day.

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end.
And now you’re calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it’s only because you’re feeling alone.

At first, when I see you cry,
Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

Now whenever you see me, you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don’t mean jack, no it don’t mean jack
I couldn’t stop laughing, no I just could help myself
See you messed up my mental health, I was quite unwell.

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end.
And now you’re calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it’s only because you’re feeling alone.

At first, when I see you cry,Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first, when I see you cry,Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

At first, when I see you cry,Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

At first.. when I see you cry.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
…..Andy Samberg
…..Amy Poehler
…..Will Forte
Audience Member…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, for the fifth time! [ audience cheers ] I can’t believe it! Honestly, it feels like I’ve hosted five-hundred times, but.. I’m really bad at estimating. I love this show so much, because it’s >regular comedy, and I tend to do a lot of romantic comedies. Now, I love rmantic comedies, but you get a little tired of the old boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl storylines. So, anyway — I mean, I actually did just get a script for a boy-who-meets-three girls, but I think you can only see that in a hotel room. [ light chuckles from the audience ]

Now.. I know, tonight, that they’re actually planning a little surprise for me. They have a thing called the Five-Timers Club, so.. follow me, I’d like to take you there.

[ Drew steps off Home Base and heads to the back hall of Studio 8H ]

Drew Barrymore: My first show was in 1982, when I was 7 years old. I had just done the movie “E.T.” —

[ as Drew enters the hallway, Andy Samberg comes rushing through from the opposite direction. They crash into one another, spilling andy’s paperwork all over the floor. ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my gosh!

Andy Samberg: Oh!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, Andy – I’m so sorry!

Andy Samberg: It’s okay.

Drew Barrymore: I’m sorry —

[ they both kneel to the ground to pick up Andy’s papers. As they do, their eyes meet and the lights turn low. Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” begins to play over them. ]

Andy Samberg: Uh — hey, Drew?

Drew Barrymore: Yeah?

Andy Samberg: There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you all week.

Drew Barrymore: What?

Andy Samberg: Will you have dinner with me tonight.

Drew Barrymore: It’s, uh — 11:30. I’ve already had dinner.

Andy Samberg: A girl like you deserves two dinners.

Drew Barrymore: [ smiles ] Okay. It’s a date.

Andy Samberg: Okay, great!

Drew Barrymore: Okay. Here – I’ll take some of these for you —

Andy Samberg: Okay. Good.

Drew Barrymore: Okay. Bye!

[ they continue along opposite paths down the hall. Drew squeals as she runs into Amy Poehler further down the hall. ]

Amy Poehler: Hey, Drew!

Drew Barrymore: [ giddy ] Hi, Amy!

Amy Poehler: What’s gotten into you? You look so happy!

Drew Barrymore: Andy just asked me out!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! That’s, like, totally awesome!

Drew Barrymore: I know! I mean, I finally feel like I’ve met a guy who I really belong with. Someone I can trust!

Amy Poehler: Aww!

[ Drew stops dead in her tracks, looks offscreen and gasps ]

Amy Poehler: What’s wrong?

[ the camera turns sharply across the hall, where Andy is making out with Kristen Wiig ]

Drew Barrymore: Nooo! [ runs down the hall ]

Amy Poehler: Awww..

[ Drew runs into Will Forte at the end of the doorway ]

Will Forte: Well, well, well! Hello there, beautiful lady!

Drew Barrymore: [ distracted ] Not now, Will.

Will Forte: Have you, uh, reconsidered my offer – a night of sweet lovemaking?

Drew Barrymore: No.

Will Forte: Look, a ltitle piece of advice for you: you cna spend the rest of your life looking for Mr. Right, and possibly die alone. Or you can spend one night.. with this. [ draws a circle around his face with his hand ] Your call.

Drew Barrymore: [ relunctant ] Okay, you win. What time?

Will Forte: Well, I have a 1:45 lovemaking already scheduled, so let’s go with 1:40.

Drew Barrymore: Okay.. I can do that..

[ Andy runs into the scene ]

Andy Samberg: Drew! I need to talk to you!

Drew Barrymore: I never want to talk to you again! [ retreats down the hall ]

Andy Samberg: Drew! Wait! [ starts to run after her ]

Will Forte: [ holds andy back ] Hold it right there, Samberg – is there a problem?

Andy Samberg: Yeah. I was rehearsing a scene with Kristen, but I think Drew thought we were actually kissing.

Will Forte: Well, that’s too bad, because Drew is with me now, okay? And I intend to make love to her in multiple positions. Do you know what “mutliple positions” means, Samberg?

Andy Samberg: Yes.

Will Forte: Two positions – minimum! See you later, Samberg! [ exits down hall ]

[ Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Just Like a Star” plays over Andy’s recollection of the romantic events of the past few minutes – the crash, the illicit kiss, the chase, etc. Andy wipes a tear from his eyes. ]

[ dissolve to Drew back at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: I was so afraid that this would happen. This is exactly what I didn’t want. Anyway, you know what? I think I’m just gonna take some questions from the audience. Uh – does anyone have any questions?

Audience Member: Oh! Yes, yes! [ stands ] Hi! Uh – I’m a huge, huge fan of the movie “Boys on the Side.” But I noticed some mistakes – for example, with the editing —

Voice: I have a question!

[ cut to Andy, holding up a boombox like John Cusack outside Ione Skye’s window in “Say Anything” ]

Drew Barrymore: Andy!

Audience Member: [ frowns ] I guess it’s your turn now. [ sits ]

Andy Samberg: When two people are MEANT to be together, shouldn’t they FIGHT through whatever obstacles stand in their way?

Drew Barrymore: I don’t want to get hurt again, Andy. [ Andy joins her onstage ] You’re soaking wet. Is it raining outside?

Andy Samberg: No, I just dunked my head in a bucket of water. Look – about earlier —

Drew Barrymore: Shh. You had me at “bucket.”

[ they kiss passionately ]

[ cut to Kristen standing next to a weepy Will ]

Kristen Wiig: You really loved her, didn’t you?

Will Forte: Yes!

Kristen Wiig: You know, they say sometimes the person you’re meant to be with.. is standing beside you the whole time. [ coquettishly faces away from Will ]

Will Forte: [ looks at Kristen and smiles ] You’re right! I’ve been such a fool! [ ignores Kristen, turns in the opposite direction to face Kenan Thompson ] Kenan? Lovemaking?

Kenan Thompson: Money up front?

Will Forte: I wouldn’t have it any other way!

[ Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, from “Mannequin”, plays over the scene as they hug passionately ]

Drew Barrymore: We have a great show for you tonight! Lily Allen is here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ camera pulls back, pans over to the next stage and immediately into the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Jojo the Valet

Mrs. Stansfield…..Kristen Wiig
Ashley…..Drew Barrymore
Jojo…..Amy Poehler
Randall…..Will Forte
Boss…..Bill Hader
Jorge…..Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, country club ]

[ dissolve to close-up exterior of the main clubhouse, where Mrs. Stansfield and Ashley stand on the walk waiting for their cars ]

Mrs. Stansfield: I’ll be honest, Ashley – when I suggested we play tennis, my motives were to cheer you up, post-divorce. But you’re so absolutely vibrant, that I’m thinking I should rid myself of David!

[ they share the laugh ]

Ashley: You are too sweet – I’m lucky to have a friend like you!

Mrs. Stansfield: The whole thing is so exciting. I keep thinking I should rid myself of David!

Ashley: [ laughs ] O-kay! You said that!

Mrs. Stansfield: Ha, did I?

Ashley: Yeah.

Mrs. Stansfield: Well, I won’t blame that on my booze problem.

[ Jojo the valet runs up with Mrs. Stansfield’s keys ]

Jojo: Here’s your keys, Mrs. Stansfield!

Mrs. Stansfield: Thank you.

[ Mrs. Stansfield hobbles off to her car ]

Jojo: Jorge will be right here with your car, Mrs. Sanderson.

Ashley: Thank you, Jojo. But it’s not “Mrs. Sanderson” any more. You can call me “Ashley.”

Jojo: Oh, yeah. Word’s out about that. Guess you’re a single lady now.

Ashley: Looks like it.

[ Jojo blows air between his lips, in nervous anticipation ]

Jojo: Oh, boy.. I want — [ stops himself, pounds his fist and paces nervously ]

Ashley: I’m.. sorry, jojo?

Jojo: Nothing.. it’s nothing. Don’t say it, Jojo, DON’T SAY IT!! [ pounds his fist again, and struggles uncofortably in front of Ashley ]

Ashley: [ lightly primps her hair ] Is there something that you want to say, Jojo?

Jojo: [ lets out a light primal scream ] I’m not good with words!

Ashley: Just say it, Jojo.

Jojo: I want to lay you. I want to lay on top of you! I love you. [ winces ] Ughhh!! Too SOON, Jojo!!

Ashley: Oh, Jojo..

Jojo: Look! I know I’m not handsome! Or smart! Or rich! Or have opinions! Or read the paper! Or dress well! Or smell nice! But I’m SCRAPPY!! I can get in and out of tight situations – bing, bang, go Jojo!!

Ashley: Jojo! I’m very flattered! But —

Jojo: I want to — I want to GET on you! Okay? I want to get.. on top of you.. so you feel all ninety pounds of Jojo! [ pounds his fist again ]

Ashley: Aw, Jojo, there is an excellent chance that I might be getting back together with my husband. The divorce isn’t final.

Jojo: I don’t have a fancy house. Or a house. But I do know this: your boobs. I want to touch them. For hours! Juggle ’em.. smash ’em together.. start with your boobs – oh, this isn’t coming out right! [ pounds his fist and turns away ]

[ Randall exits the club house ]

Randall: [ speaking with a high-pitched, snooty pitch ] Ashley? How are you?

Ashley: Well, hello, Randall!

Randall: I’m so sorry to hear about you and Jonathan..

Ashley: Yeah..

Jojo: [ protecting his turf ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! We’re having a conversation here!

Randall: Oh. Hello, Jojo. Could you grab my car for me?

Jojo: [ to himself ] Alright, Jojo.. what does Jojo do..? Let me tell you something – part of me wants to KICK your car, and I want to keep my job — but the other part of me wants to stay here and protect my lady!

Ashley: I’ll be fine, Jojo.

Jojo: [ points a menacing finger at Randall ] YOU!! You DON’T.. HURT HER!! [ runs off to grab his car ]

Randall: Jojo, your behavior is highly inappropriate! [ ] So, Ashley – if it’s not too soon, perhaps you and I could, uh.. maybe go out —

Jojo: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, buddy! You want your keys? Hmm? You want your keys? [ flings them to the treet ] Go get ’em!

Randall: [ aghast ] Jojo! [ storms off ] I’m annoyed..

Jojo: [ touches his hand to Ashley’s neck ] What did he do to you?

Ashley: Nothing.

Jojo: Did he hurt you? Did he — did he put his – his hands on you?

Ashley: No, I — no — I — nothing. I think that you’re a very nice man —

Jojo: [ turns his head and smiles ] When you talk, it’s so beautiful. It’s like you’re puking rainbows!

[ Jojo’s Boss pokes his head out from inside the club house ]

Boss: Jojo! A squirrel is loose in the air conditioning vent, and you’re the only one small enough to crawl in and catch it.

Jojo: You got it, Boss!

Boss: Thank you, Jojo. [ retreats inside ]

Jojo: [ to Ashley, suavely ] Listen to me. I’m gonna go catch that squirrel.. and then I’m gonna go catch your heart. Promise me — promise me you’ll give me a chance.

Ashley: I promise.

Jojo: [ pumped up, shadow boxes his fists triumphantly ] Jojo! [ holds his hands before Ashley’s breasts ] I LOVE those! [ enters the clubhouse ]

[ Ashley is alone, until Jorge the valet runs up a moment later, smiling ]

Ashley: Jorge! Where have you been? You’ve been gone so long! [ embraces Jorge and hugs him passionately ]

Jorge: [ proudly ] I find a car!

Ashley: Oh, God, it was horrible! I thought he knew about us. Now, take me home, Jorge. [ looks him in the eye ] You know what I want!

Jorge: [ beams ] Yuggle googs?

Ashley: Yes, Jorge! Juggle boobs! Let’s go!

Jorge: Okay!

[ Ashley drags Jorge off the set ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore: Thanks to Lily Allen and Horatio Sanz! I just have to thank Lorne and Marci for giving me my Five-Timers’ clock! And, I just want to say that this cast is so incredible! It would take me YEARS to describe what a week is like here, and I love everyone, and I thank you for coming tonight! Have the BEST weekend! good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

The Formosa

Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Mr. Bostwick…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. Bostwick…..Maya Rudolph
…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on exterior, The Formosa cocktail bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, Peter O’Toole holding a stiff drink in his hand whle rambling to a couple at the bar ]

Peter O’Toole: — and, finally, I say to this idiot: “I’m Peter O’Toole, and this is Richard Burton! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!” [ smiles ] And, to that, he said, “You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my CLOSET!” THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! [ lets out a deep guffaw and toasts himself ]

Nr. Bostwick: [ confused ] Wait – you’re in a closet?

Peter O’Toole: Positively HEROIC!!

[ Drew Barrymore sits at the bar to Peter’s left ]

Drew Barrymore: Yeah! I’ll have a Vodka tonic, straight up, please.

Peter O’Toole: [ pounds the bar counter ] Ah, here, here! I was just about to say!

Drew Barrymore: [ looks over to Peter, smiles ] Peter O’Toole!

Peter O’Toole: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: What are you doing in Hollywood?

Peter O’Toole: Haven’t you heard? I’ve been nominated again for an Academy Award!

Drew Barrymore: I did hear that!

Peter O’Toole: It’s number eight, if you’re keeping score. Say! I’d like you to meet the Bostwicks? from Cleveland, Fran and — [ looks to his right to find the couple is now long gone ] Ah. No one knows how to DRINK any more, you know.

Drew Barrymore: Oh, I know what you mean – Hollywood isn’t the same any more —

Peter O’Toole: Nooo, it’s not, you’re right. People RESPECTED a drunk in those days!

Drew Barrymore: They did! You’re right – tell me about it! I once drank a CASE of whiskey with George C. Scott and Faye Dunaway. I was nine years old.

Peter O’Toole: BRAVO!!! Drunk at nine! Gone are the days when you could empty a few bottles, steal a fire truck, and drive into David Niven’s living room!

Drew Barrymore: Those days ARE long gone! You know, I partied with Dudley Moore and Laurence Olivier, at the Golden Globes when I was seven!

Peter O’Toole: Seven years old, you are my CHAMPION, Madam!!

Drew Barrymore: [ giggles ] When my grandfather died, Peter Lorre took the body to Errol Flynn’s house so they could get drunk one last time together!

Peter O’Toole: Technically, I’ve been dead for at least ten years!

Drew Barrymore: Good for you. I can’t stand Hollywood today. The Hollywood of yesterday was so much better.

Peter O’Toole: Right you are! Now, you have these – these underfed tarts like.. Lindsey Hilton.. running around, showing off their VAGINAS!! There’s no panache in that!

Drew Barrymore: NO panache!!

Peter O’Toole: If you’re going to expose yourself, you do it with a FLOURISH!! Whenever I revealed my genitals — and I did so, often — I made it like it was the opening night of a PLAY!! “Gather ‘ round!” I would say, “It’s PETER’S O’TOOLE!!” [ laughs uproariously ]

Drew Barrymore: I once flashed my tatas at David Letterman!

Peter O’Toole: I toast your tatas! [ they clink their glasses together ] I’m a lover of a lady’s tatas. Peter Finch and I once stormed a monastary to get at a NUN’S tatas!!

Drew Barrymore: Monastaries don’t have nuns, they have monks.

Peter O’Toole: Ah, there’s no turning back.. the die is cast.

Drew Barrymore: A toast!

Peter O’Toole: A TOAST to US!! Because we are first-class drunks!

Drew Barrymore: First-class!

Peter O’Toole: Now, young Barrymore. Perhaps you’ll join me, for I must NOW go in search of Richard Harris’ star on the Walk of Fame. It is my tradition to take a DUMP on it! He would have done the same for me, had I gone first.

Drew Barrymore: Mmm, I’m right behind you!

Peter O’Toole: Let’s go —

[ Drew grabs for Peter, and they both stumble to the floor ]

Peter O’Toole: That was PANACHE!!

Drew Barrymore: EX-ACT-LY!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Firestarter Smoked Sausages

Charlie McGee…..Drew Barrymore
Lonny San Fransisco…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on slow pan across hot dogs on a grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]
“The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family’s MOUTH!”

[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]

Charlie McGee: Hi! I’m Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.

[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from “Firestarter” swoops over the scene ]

Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I’ve got something that I’m really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama’s home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60’s, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ]

[ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Plumpin’ saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco — [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips
A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!”

Charlie still doesn’t have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]

Charlie McGee: Sorry — [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]

Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!

[ singing ]
“Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man’s head!”

Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire — [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They’re the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
‘Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!”

[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!

[ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!

Charlie McGee: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ]

[ product slide swops forward ]

Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

The Dakota Fanning Show

Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Daniel Radcliffe…..Bill Hader
Abigail Breslin…..Drew Barrymore
Katherine…..Kristen Wiig

[ camera pans over from Home Base to the adjacent set. Amy Poehler can be seen standing off to stage left made up as Dakota Fanning, as the title superimposes onto the screen over soft, jazzy music. ]

Reggie V/O: And, now.. it’s “The Dakota Fanning Show!”

[ Dakota steps onto the set, flanked by two oversized chairs ]

Dakota Fanning: [ waves childishly to the crowd ] Good evening! And welcome to “The Dakota Fanning Show,” the only forum for child actors to discuss cinema, theater, politics, philosophy, and the cultural zeitgeist-at-large! [ laughs ] Before we begin, did anyone catch Bill Mahar on Charlie Rose last night? Reggie?

[ cut to Reggie, seated in front of the house band ]

Reggie: Uh.. no. I was watching “The Family Guy.”

[ shakes her head ] Mmm. I’m not familiar. Anyway – Bill Mahar said – get this! – “Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis is The Beatles!” [ chuckles ]

Reggie: Uh – I-I-I don’t get it.

Dakota Fanning: It’s a very witty observation, perhaps the referenes are over your head!

[ Reggie scowls ]

Dakota Fanning: The incomparable Reggie Hudson, everybody!

[ Reggie and the band play a few light jazz notes, as Dakota smiles ]

Dakota Fanning: My first guest tonight is a promising young actor from across the Atlantic. Please welcome Mr. Daniel Radcliffe!

[ house band plays Daniel onto the set. Dakota shakes both his hands enthusiastically, then bounces onto her chair as Daniel sits down causally. ]

Dakota Fanning: Greetings to you, Daniel. Um – I understand you’re starring in the classic Peter Shaffer play, “Equus.” Such an important work! Tell me, Daniel – is this your first leading role?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uh – well, I was also in the Harry Potter movies.

Dakota Fanning: [ snickers ] I’m not familiar!

Daniel Radcliffe: It was based on a very popular series of, uh, children’s books?

Reggie: [ with great excitement and respect ] Man, I LOVE those books! I thought you were a GREAT Harry Potter!

Dakota Fanning: Yes. Reggie tends to prefer a lighter fare! [ laughs ]

[ Reggie scowls once again ]

Daniel Radcliffe: You know, I think everyone has a soft spot, uh, for children’s books. I mean, after all, you did do “Cat in the Hat.”

Dakota Fanning: [ chuckles ] In my defense, when I read that script I saw it as a metaphor for ethnic violence in central Africa! [ shakes head and smiles ] But, apparently, it was about a cat in a hat! [ laughs ] Speaking of books, have you read the new Pynchon?

Daniel Radcliffe: [ shakes his head ] N-no?

Dakota Fanning: You know, I never thought I would agree with Michiko Kakutani, but I really don’t think it’s his best work! [ Daniel offers no response ] Thomas Pynchon? Michiko Kakutani? Reggie? [ Reggie shrugs his shoulders ] I-if it’s not at the checkout counter at Wal-Mart, Reggie hasn’t read it! [ smiles ]

[ Reggie scowls once more ]

Dakota Fanning: Daniel! Who are you reading these days?

Daniel Radcliffe: Mostly X-Men comics.

Dakota Fanning: [ turned off ] And that’s a WRAP!! BYE!! [waves him away ]

[ Daniel shirks away ]

Dakota Fanning: My next guest was just nominated for an Academy Award! Isn’t that something! Please welcome, from “Little Miss Sunshine” – Little Miss Abigail Breslin!

[ house band plays the exciteable Abigail onto the set ]

Abigail Breslin: Hi, Dakota! [ laughs ]

Dakota Fanning: Hi!

[ they giggle playfully and repeatedly bounce onto their chairs ]

Abigail Breslin: Wow! This is so awesome!

Dakota Fanning: It is! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful to have you here, Abigail! Congratulations on the award! [ snidely ] I’m so happy.. for you.

Abigail Breslin: I — I know! I can’t believe it! I’m nominated for an Oscar! Adn I’m only TEN years old!

Dakota Fanning: Ten years old – wow! That’s even younger than I thought. Oh, to be ten years old again! Those were heady days! [ laughs ] I was, of course, starring in a blockbuster called “War of the Worlds”, with the incomparable Tom Cruise.

Abigail Breslin: How old were you when you first got your nomination?

Dakota Fanning: [ frowns ] Me? W-well, you’d certainly would have though I’d been nominated several times. After all, I portrayed the daughter of a mentlaly-challenged individual in “I Am Sam”, and then the victim of a brutal kidnapping in “Man On Fire.”

Abigail Breslin: [ giggles ] I did a funny dance!

Dakota Fanning: Yes! That must have been very challenging. A friend of mine once told me, “It’s not about the award, it’s about honing your craft.” And that friend was Mr. Bob De Niro.

Abigail Breslin: Is that the guy from “Meet the Fockers”?

Dakota Fanning: [ snotty ] No, tht’s the guy from “Mean Streets.”

Abigail Breslin: You’re grumpy!

Dakota Fanning: sorry, I’m a little out of sorts. I didn’t have my post-Pilates nap.

[ a woman steps forward with a juice box ]

Katherine: Here, Dakota – have some juice.

Dakota Fanning: [ takes a hearty sip ] That’s much better. Thank you, Katherine!

Katherine: You can just call me “Mom.”

Dakota Fanning: So, Abigail – what feature are you working on now?

Abigail Breslin: I play a doll that comes to life! And I’m about to do another movie weith a talking hamster!

Dakota Fanning: I get raped in my next movie. Anyway, we’ll take a break! When we return, we’ll discuss upcoming negotiatons in the Screen Actors Guild! Reggie, try to keep up!

Reggie: [ offended ] Hey, hey – WHAT?! Shut the hell up!

Dakota Fanning: We’ll be right back! [ blows a kiss to the audience ] Kiss!

[ title re-appears, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Guest Writers:


February 3rd, 2007

Drew Barrymore

Lily Allen

None

Horatio Sanz

Jim Cashman

JB Smoove
American IdolSummary: “American Idol” judges Simon cowell (Jason Sudeikis), Paula Abdul (Amy Poehler), and Randy Jackson (Kenan Thompson) travel the country to offer criticism to animal contestants.

Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson.

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: While making her way through the studio halls to make her acquaintance with the 5-Timer’s Club, Drew Barrymore bumps headfirst into Andy Samberg and unravels a series of romantic-comedy film cliches.

First Hosted: 82g.

Transcript

The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: Brainy child star Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) fails to relate to other child stars in her age group.

Transcript

Poison TherapySummary: A marriage counselor (Kristen Wiig) helps patch the rocky relationship between a husband (Will Forte) and the wife (Drew Barrymore) who continuously poisons him with dioxin.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A presentation of the “Body Fuzion” workout tape from 1986, which features four women (Drew Barrymore, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph) working up a rough sweat while barely performing an actual exercise regimen.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Clerk (Kristen Wiig) trains a new hire (Drew Barrymore) with an attention span even short than her own.

Recurring Characters: Target clerk.

Nervous Job IntervieweeSummary: A nervous job interviewee (Drew Barrymore) frantically sips a caffeineated beverage while insulting a company’s Human Resources team (Amy Poehler, Kenan Thompson, Maya Rudolph).

Lily Allen performs “Smile”Bio: Lily Allen (1985-). English singer/songwriter; began to receive mainstream coverage after posting demos on Myspace.com; known for regularly making disparaging remarks about other musicians.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Weekend Update nanny Barbara Birmingham (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates the proper way to discipline a surly child.

Transcript

Versace Super Bowl PartySummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) celebrates the Super Bowl with Prince (Fred Armisen), David Beckham (Seth Meyers) abd Posh Spice (Drew Barrymore), and Elton John (horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Prince, Posh Spice, Elton John.

Transcript

Jojo the ValetSummary: Jojo (Amy Poehler) the gawky, spunky country club valet makes his feelings known for recently-divorced club member, Ashley Sanderson (Drew Barrymore).

Transcript

Firestarter Smoked SausagesSummary: Now grown-up Charlie McGee (Drew Barrymore) uses her pyrokinetic to hawk smoked sausages.

Note: Originally cut from the dress rehearsal of Barrymore’s previous hosting stint on 02/14/04. Horatio Sanz had the role now played by Jason Sudeikis.

Transcript

Lily Allen performs “LDN”

The FormosaSummary: Drunken celebrities Peter O’Toole (Bill Hader) and Drew Barrymore reminisce about the good-old-days of decadent Hollywood behavior.

Recurring Characters: Peter O’Toole.

Transcript

Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.

Note: Repeat from 01/21/06.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

VH-1 Super Duper BowlSummary: B-list celebrities offer wry commentary during Super Bowl LXI.

Gulliver’s TravelSummary: Tiny Lilliputian women wonder if Gulliver is larger than them in all the right places.

Movie LineSummary: Two men (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg) break into a confrontation while standing in line at the movies.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

Urigro

Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Man giving his dog a bath in a washtub in his garage, the hose operating with only a slight trickle ]

Man: Look familiar? It used to — until I asked my doctor about Urigro.

Announcer: Urigro is a drug approved for the treatment of Weak Male Urination Syndrome, or: WeMUS.

Man: I’ll admit it – I used to pee sitting down because I was embarrassed about my chronic weak stream. After taking Urigro for just one week, I can see results like a thicker stream, less spray, more froth, and louder, deeper-sounding urination!

I went from this — [ holds up the slow trickle of his hose ] to this — [ the hose springs to life, creating a powerful spray that riccochets off the dog’s mange ] in just a couple of weeks!

[ cut to Man entering the kitchen, where his Wife is preparing dinner ]

Man: Urigro gives you the sort of thick, ropy jets of urine you can be proud of.

[ Man grabs for a piece of food from a bowl, but his Wife slaps his hand ]

Wife: Dinner’s almost ready.

Man: [ to the camera ] Well, I’m gonna hit the head. [ nods to the camera to follow him ]

[ cut to Man standing in front of bathroom mirror; we presume there is a toilet below this mirror ]

Man: When I started using Urigro, my stream was thin and unpredictable. [ slow trickle sound effect from below camera view ] But, now — [ powerful jet stream sound effect is heard from below camera view ] it’s powerful and consistent, from beginning to end! [ stops urinating ] Couldn’t hear me, could you? That’s Urigro working!

[ wider angle — the mirror is indeed in front of a toilet ]

Man: Now my urinations are frothy and heady, like an ice-cold blast of beer! No,w listen to this:

[ cut to rear angle, as Man pokes his head from around the corner as his urine hits the bowl with powerful individual blasts. The Man demonstrates further by holding both hands up as he continues to urinate, then quickly lowers them as he reaches the bottom of his bladder. ]

[ cut back to the close-up angle of the Man standing in front of the mirror ]

Man: I can stop it and start it on a dime now!

Announcer: Ask your doctor about Urigro today, and get the thick, unbroken, golden braids of urine you always dreamed about.

Man: Oops! Filled ‘er up! This one’s a two-flusher! [ flushes the toilet ]

Announcer: Urigro. Make ’em proud, pee out loud/

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts