Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

The Plan

…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Fred Armisen
…..Antonio Banderas

(Backstage. Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell and Jason Sudeikis are talking. Antonio Banderas runs into them)

Amy: Oh, good job, Antonio!

Chris: Really good!

Jason: Yeah, really good.

Antonio: Doing sketch comedy is easy, you know maybe I´ll do this for a living. Anyway, I´ve gotta go. Gotta go. See you later.

Jason: OK, see you. That´s great. (Antonio leaves)

Chris: See what I mean?

Amy: Now I do.

Jason: What do you guys mean?

Chris: The foreigner thinks he can do our job?

Jason: Oh, I don´t think that´s what he meant.

Amy: No. They all do. I´m tired of these Mexicans coming into our country and taking our jobs.

Jason: You know, first of all, Antonio is not Mexican.

Amy: Yeah, he is!

Chris: Definitely is! Looks like one.

Jason: No, he´s Spanish, all right. And secondly, you guys are racist.

Chris: Oh, are we? Wait ’til they take your job.

Amy: Yeah, yeah. If NBC had its way, this whole cast would be border-jumping Mexicans. (Horatio Sanz joins them) Yo, Horatio! What´s up, man! (Highs five him)

Horatio: What´s up, guys?

(Fred Armisen talks directly into the camera as Amy, Jason and Chris leave)

Fred: I´ll tell you what´s up! My name´s Fred Armisen. (Antonio Banderas joins in)

Antonio: Hi, I am Antonio Banderas.

Horatio: And I am “Horacio” Sanz.

Antonio: In the coming weeks, as the issue of illegal inmigration takes center stage in American politics, you are going to hear many sides to this difficult issue.

Fred: Much of what you hear will not be the truth. Politics will color the debate, making it harder for all of us to understand the real issue.

Horatio: No matter what anyone says, there is no simple solution to this problem.

Antonio: What we know is this: we are coming, and we´re going to take your job.

Horatio,/b>: We are also planning to have sex with your women and make lots of babies. Which you´ll pay with your tax dollars.

Antonio: But that has long been the plan.

Fred: Many of us are criminals. And we intend to cut you with knives.

Horatio: And flood your cities with drugs.

Antonio: But there is no fight in this. It was a plan we all came up with and we all agree was the best plan, right?

Horatio: Yes.

Fred: I´m not really an illegal alien, but my mother´s Venezuelan and she used to tell me this great plan when I was a child. Take their jobs, cut them with knives, drugs.

Antonio: And make babies.

Horatio: Hopefully, this will put an end to the debate. There is no solution.

Fred: Only the plan.

Antonio: Thank you for listening, and remember The Alamo.

(Fred, Horatio and Antonio join hands in big Latin support)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Operator

Alberto…..Antonio Banderas
Julie…..Rachel Dratch
Juan…..Fred Armisen

[open on exterior of residence]

[dissolve to interior, a party, with Julie eating finger foods as a man approaches her]

Alberto: [with Spanish accent, continues throughout] Oh, look at all this food.

Julie: [with monotone voice, continues throughout] I’m sorry. I didn’t get that.

Alberto: I’m just hungry.

Julie: Okay.

Alberto: Hi, I am Alberto. [extends his hand]

Julie: [shakes his hand] Hi, I’m Julie.

Alberto: Hi, nice to meet you. So, what do you do, Julie?

Julie: I do voice recordings for various customer service lines such as American Airlines and Amtrak.

Alberto: Wow. I am a CPA. I know, I know, boring.

Julie: That’s right.

Alberto: No, but at this time of year, busy, busy, busy.

Julie: I think you said “Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.” Did I get that right?

Alberto: Eh, no. “Busy.”

Julie: I think you said “Lizzie.”

Alberto: No, “Busy. Busy.”

Julie: My mistake. So, Alberto, let me get some information. What do you do for fun?

Alberto: Well, not much.

Julie: Got it.

Alberto: I like trying new restaurants.

Julie: Got it.

Alberto: And I play tennis.

Julie: Got it.

Alberto: [clears throat] Ah, yeah. How about you?

Julie: I like to travel to various locations, such as Dallas/Fort Worth and New York/Laguardia. Other information may be available online.

Alberto: Well, I’ll take a look.

Julie: Also, I’m a shopaholic!

Alberto: A what?

Julie: A shopaholic!

Alberto: I’m sorry, I do not know what you mean. I mean, my English is not that…

Julie: Oh, to continue in Spanish, please say “Yes.”

Juan: [steps up behind Julie] Para continuar en español, diga “Sí.”

Julie: Alberto, this is Juan. He’s a friend of mine from work.

Juan: Bienvenidos.

Alberto: Hola. Hola.

Julie: Will you be needing drinks tonight?

Alberto: Sure, thanks!

Julie: Please listen carefully, as the options have changed. Or, if you know the drink you want, you can interrupt me at any time. There’s merlot, chardonnay, various cocktails–

Alberto: I’ll have a gin and tonic with lime, something like that.

Julie: Before I get your drink, let me see if I have that right. That’s one gin and tonic on the rocks with a twist. Did I get that right?

Alberto: Yeah.

Julie: Your approximate wait time is one minute. [walks up towards the bar]

Juan: Primero necesito información. [asks a question in Spanish]

Alberto: [answers in Spanish]

Juan: Claro. ¿Necesitas un carro?

Alberto: A car? No, I have a car.

Juan: Goodbye. [steps away]

Julie: [returning with two drinks] I’ve got your drink.

Alberto: [takes his drink from her] Oh! Thank you. Thank you, Julie. I was wondering, do you think I could get your number?

Julie: Oh, sure. It’s eight hundred, five, five, five, oh, one, nine, nine.

Juan: [stands behind Julie] Ocho cientos, cinco, cinco, cinco, zero, uno, nueve, nueve. [steps away]

Alberto: Uh… [chuckles] Anyway, Julie, would you like to get out of here?

Julie: Oh… [chuckles] Your approximate wait time is zero minutes.

[Alberto puts his arm around Julie and they exit together]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Antonio Banderas’ Monologue

…..Antonio Banderas

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Antonio Banderas!

Antonio Banderas: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen – friends – amigos Hispanos – amigos Chicanos – people in general – doctors – lawyers – politicians – truck drivers – taxi drivers – children – elderly cabelleros and senoras – baseball players – journalists – papparazzis – etc. etc.

Probably tonight is the beginning of the end of my career. But I gladly take this risk, in order to have the opportunity to be part of the american pop culture. Which means that, after the show finishes, I will not only be deported from this country, but there is a strong possibility that they won’t allow me back into mine. But I will use this opportunity to say that not everyone in Spain dress as a bull fighter or a flamenco dancer. And, you know – you know what? I am tired of being called a Latin lover, a macho man. I am not an object. and you will understand why I am saying this, once you know the truth. The truth will shock the world, or, at least, a village. But the truth is, that I am, in fact, a woman.

[ he rips off his suit to reveal a slinky red dress and bouncing breasts ]

My real name is Guadalupe, but you can call me.. Lupita! [ pulls off his breakaway pants to reveal the rest of his dress and knee-high boots ] Or, as some people know me, “Puss In Boots.” I have so much conflict over the past several years. As a man, I was living a lie; as a woman, I am obviously less attractive, but it is what it is.

We have a great show for you tonight. My sister – Mary J. Blige – is here. so stick around, we’ll be right back!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Karaoke

Frank…..Will Forte
M.J. Reynolds…..Amy Poehler
Paul…..Antonio Banderas
Pam…..Rachel Dratch
Mr. Reynolds…..Chris Parnell

[open on exterior of bar: “Rascals, tonight karaoke”]

Frank: [singing] …boys were drinking whisky and rye / [dissolve to interior with Frank singing on stage] singing this’ll be the day that I die. / This’ll be the day that I [high note] diii-eee!

M.J.: Yeah! All right. Let’s give it up for Frank, “American Pie.” Slowed it down and sang it twice. For those of you just joining us, I’m M.J. Reynolds. I’m your karaoke host and your guide on this musical journey tonight. [singing] We’re going riding on the freeway of love! [speaking] We gotta get some people up here tonight. I love the sound of my own voice, but tonight I’m here to service you.

[Pam and Paul are sitting together at a table]

Paul: Oh, I’m having such a great time, Pam.

Pam: Me, too, and, uh, well, I have a surprise for you.

M.J.: Okay, next up we have Pam. Pam is on a special date, and she wants to sing a song to her special friend, Paul. Pam, are you ready?

Pam: I’m shy.

M.J.: It’s gonna be a blast.

Pam: But I’m so shy.

M.J.: I’ll help you if you need it.

Pam: Oh, all right. I’d like to try.

Paul: I can’t belive you are doing this. At work, you are so shy!

Pam: I know, I’m shy!

[Pam gets up and walks onto the stage]

M.J.: Okay, come on, let’s give Pam a hand, everybody.

[“Natural Woman” plays]

Pam: [singing] Looking out on the morning rain / I used to feel uninspired. / [Paul touches his heart with his hand] And when I knew I had to face another day…

M.J.: [singing] A-oop.

Pam: [singing] Lord it made me feel so tired. / [with M.J. singing “ooo-ooo-ooo”] Before the day I met you, life was so unkind.

Pam and M.J.: But you’re the key to my piece of mind. / [with M.J. much louder than Pam] ‘Cause you make me feel, / you make me feel, / [M.J. straddles Paul and does a back-bend] you make me feel like a natural woman. / [M.J. cuddles with Paul and continues to sing much more loudly than Pam] When my soul was in the lost and found, / you came along to claim it. / I did not know just what was wrong with me.

Paul: [singing, as M.J. puts the microphone in front of him] A-oop.

Pam and M.J.: ‘Til your kiss helped me name it.

Pam: Now I’m no longer doubtful of what I’m living for. / [she sings to an old man in the audience] And if you make me happy I don’t need to do more.

[M.J. gives her microphone to Paul and continues to cuddle with him as he stands]

Pam and Paul: ‘Cause you make me feel, / you make me feel, / you make me feel like a nautural woman.

[music ends]

M.J.: Oh, yeah, all right! Give it up for Pam, everybody. Hot stuff. Hot stuff.

[Pam sits back down with Paul at their table]

Paul: Wow, that was terific.

Pam: I couldn’t tell if you liked it.

Paul: Oh, no, I loved it. And this red-haired lady is very talented, too.

M.J.: Okay, next up, everybody, we have–

Pam: I want to go again. [she gets back on the stage] Number 102. [“Sexual Healing” plays] [singing] Baby, I’m hot just like an oven. / I need your loving. / [M.J. and Paul drink together] And when I get the feeling, / I need sexual healing. [she hits the stereo controls and “Milkshake” plays] [singing] My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, / and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” / Damn right, it’s better than yours. / [M.J. feeds Paul something from his plate] I could teach you, but I’d have to charge. [she hits the stereo controls and “Me So Horny” plays] [singing] Oh, me so horny. / Oh, oh, me so horny. / Ooh, me so horny. / Me love you long time. [M.J. and Paul are kissing] [music ends] [speaking] Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! You know what? I knew this was too good to be true. I mean, why would a spicy guy like you go with a white-bread, grilled-cheese sandwich like me, right? Everyone at the office told me you were just going out with me for a green card. But I guess I believed in love! Well, I’m calling INS tomorrow, and you are on a one-way flight back to Paraguay! So go suck an egg, bozo!

Paul: Oh, darling, wait, wait, wait.

M.J.: [getting up on stage] Hey, hey, guys, guys, let’s keep it positive, all right? Karaoke is about fun times with new friends. At least that’s what I tell my husband, right, honey?

Mr. Reynolds: [standing at the back of the room] Screw you, Mary Anne.

Paul: Pam, please, let me make it up to you. I want to sing a special song. The song that was playing the first time Pam and I made love. [“Take Me Out” plays] [singing] Take me out to the ballgame. / Take me out with the crowd.

Pam: We had sex in the bathroom at a Mets game.

Paul and Pam: [singing] Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.

Pam: I can’t stay mad at him!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Goodnights

…..Antonio Banderas

Antonio Banderas: Well, thanks to Mary J. Blige. And, uh, of course, Chris Kattan – my little me! [ his words are drowned out by the applause ] And, uh, of course – of course – to the rest of the cast, it’s been incredible working with you guys! Seriously. I hope not to be deported, and I am now a part of the American pop culture. Thank you very much!

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  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Deal or no Deal

Howie Mandel…Fred Armisen
Robert Lopez…Antonio Banderas
Blond Model…Amy Poehler
Brunette Model…Kristen Wiig
Fat Guy…Horatio Sanz
Old Lady…Rachel Dratch
Black Guy…Finesse Mitchell

(Opens with Deal or no Deal logo. Howie is anxiously waiting, moves his hands around)

Howie Mandel: Welcome to “Deal…or no Deal”. I’m Howie Mandel. By picking one case you can go home with one cent or $1 million. One banker, one button and just one question, “Deal…or no Deal”. Let’s play. Please welcome contestant Robert Lopez.

(Howie joins super excited Robert at the podium. On the podium there’s a red button and a wireless white phone)

Howie Mandel: Robert, you’re really excited to be here.

Robert Lopez: I certainly am!

Howie Mandel: Now let’s start the game and see if we can make you a millionaire.

Robert Lopez: Yeah!!

Howie Mandel: We have 26 cases with 26 different increments of money. Ranging from one cent to $1 million. All you have to do to win is pick a number.

Robert Lopez: 50!!

Howie Mandel: (Caught off guard) Sorry, that was a little confusing. I mean you pick one of the briefcases.

Robert Lopez: OK, I want that one!! (points)

Howie Mandel: (Being patient) How about you pick a number between 1 and 26.

Robert Lopez: Uuuuh, 4?!

(Model gives Howie the cases with a number 4 on it. Howie gives it to Robert.)

Howie Mandel: Now here’s your briefcase.

Robert Lopez: Thank you, thank you.

(Robert starts to open briefcase, Howie freaks out, jumps on briefcase to prevent Robert from opening it)

Howie Mandel: No, no, wait!! Wait!! Wait!!

Robert Lopez: NO!! NO!!

(Howie and Robert pause to regain their composure)

Howie Mandel: Don’t open it!

Robert Lopez: I thought it was mine.

Howie Mandel: It is, well, maybe. Right now just hold on. Say 6 more numbers.

Robert Lopez: Honestly, I have no idea of what’s happening here.

(concerned Howie looks around, forced smile)

Howie Mandel: Am I talking too quickly or anything?

Robert Lopez: No, no, no. It’s not a language problem. I understand every word you’re saying. It’s just that…what is this game?

Howie Mandel: Just say 6 numbers and you’ll understand in a second.

Robert Lopez: Uh, 8, 24, 1, 3, 19 and 7.

Howie Mandel: OK, we usually do it one at a time but that’s fine. Great. You have eliminated the following amounts.

(Screen splits in 3 ways. Robert’s face in the middle, to the left a list of numbers 01, 1, 5, 10, 25, 50, 75, 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 750. To the right a list of amounts of dollars $1,000, $5,000, $10,000, $25,000, $50,000, $75,000, $100,000, $200,000, $300,000, $400,000, $500,000, $750,000, $1,000,000)

Howie Mandel: $75 ($75 is highlighted on the list)

Robert Lopez: (Sadly) Oh, no! (Howie turns to Robert)

Howie Mandel: No, no, no. That’s good. You’ll see. $25,000 ($25,000 is highlighted also)

Robert Lopez: (Happy) Oh, yes!!

Howie Mandel: $1. ($1 amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: (Angry) Awww, nuts!!!

Howie Mandel: $300 (Amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: (Calm) All right.

Howie Mandel: $500. (Amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: (Happy) Shoot!!

Howie Mandel: And $10,000. (Amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: Do I need to know mathematics for this?

Howie Mandel: No, you don’t need math skills. You’re doing great.

Robert Lopez: Right. OK. Okey Dokey. If you say so.

(Phone rings, Howie over dramatizes)

Howie Mandel: That’s the banker. (Holds hands to his chin) He wants to buy your case from you for as little as possible and then you can decide “Deal…or no Deal”.

Robert Lopez: NO DEAL!!

Howie Mandel: Not yet!

Robert Lopez: Not yet. There is a lot of things going on here.

(Howie picks up the phone)

Howie Mandel: Uh-huh….(puts phone down) The offer is $16,000.

Robert Lopez: DEAL!!

Howie Mandel: No, you have to wait, OK, you have to wait until I say “Deal or no Deal”.

Robert Lopez: I’m very sorry. I, I, I want you to know that I am having a nice time but really it doesn’t make any sense to me anything that is happening here.

Howie Mandel: It’s very simple. Just say “Deal…or no Deal” (Demonstrates putting hand over buzzer)

Robert Lopez: I have done this.

Howie Mandel: Yes, but you see, you shouldn’t take the first offer because…

(Model off camera interrupts)

Blond Model: Howie! Howie! He’s not getting it, Howie. Here, let me explain. You try to eliminate as many of the small numbers as you can.

(Howie has a little panicked look on him, hands over mouth)

Brunette Model: That makes it seem like he should get rid of the small numbered briefcases. Not the small dollars amounts.

Blond Model: No, I’m saying once the briefcase is open, then you know you can’t win that amount, right?

Howie Mandel: Girls, girls. I got it, I got it, OK. I got it.

Blond Model: It’s all statistics.

Howie Mandel: I got it!!

Robert Lopez: I do not!

Howie Mandel: OK, are you guys ready for this? (Robert hits the button, Buzz!)

Robert Lopez: NO DEAL!!

Howie Mandel: No. When you hit the buzzer it means you want the deal. Let’s just go to commercial and when we come back, we’ll meet Robert’s family and friends. See if they can help him out.

(Fat guy, old lady and black guy yell frantically from the audience)

Fat Guy: Pass! Pass! Pass!

Black Guy: Hey! Buy a vowel!

Old Lady: No whammies!

Black Guy: Buy a vowel!

Old Lady: No whammies!

Howie Mandel: Or maybe not. Stay tuned for “No Deal or Deal”. I mean…. (Disgusted sigh, walks off camera, show’s logo appears “Deal or No Deal”)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Besos y Lagrimas

Paolo…..Antonio Banderas
Big Moustached Stud…..Fred Armisen
Big Moustached Villain…..Horatio Sanz
Old Lady…..Rachel Dratch
Sultry Looking Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Moustached One Eye Man…..Chris Parnell

(Telemundo programming board)

Announcer: A las Siete. Esos Gatos Locos. (At seven. Those Crazy Cats)

Y despues. La Vida Fabulosa de Paris Hilton. (And then. The Fabulous Life of Paris Hilton.)

Pero primero, Besos y Lagrimas. (But first, Kisses and Tears)

(Soap opera promo: Caption: Besos y Lagrimas. Sultry Looking Woman, Big Moustache Stud and handsome gardener, Paolo, with a rake. Cut to handsome gardener opening the door to the mansion, wipes sweat from his forehead, drinks glass of water. Sultry Looking Woman walks in holding a vase filled with flowers, notices the gardener, gasps, drops vase, vase shatters)

Sultry Looking Woman: Oh!!

Paolo: Perdone, señora. Solo quería un poco de agua. (Sorry, ma´am. I just wanted some water)

Sultry Looking Woman: Yo tambien. (Me too)

(Gust of wind opens Paolo´s shirt. Woman sighs with lust)

Sultry Looking Woman: Paolo!!

(They kiss, Big Moustached Stud walks in on them, he holds a glass bottle and a glass, freaks out, drops bottle and glass, it shatters)

Big Moustached Stud: Paolo!!

(Sad music plays, Sultry Looking Woman and Paolo embrace and slowly turn to the camera, agonizing quiet crying between them and Big Moustached Stud)

(Cut to promo. Paolo walks holding a rake over his shoulders, takes his straw hat off, wipes sweat off, fans himself with the hat.)

Announcer: Besos Y Lagrimas

Caption: Besos y Lagrimas

(Cut to Big Moustached Villain examining a tray full of diamonds)

Big Moustached Villain: Estos diamantes son de plastico. (These diamonds are plastic) (Diabolical laughter)

(Old lady holding a tray full of china walks in)

Old Lady: Los diamantes son de plastico? (Are the diamonds plastic?)

(Big Moustached Villain pulls out a gun)

Old Lady: Oh! Dios Mio!! Oh, oh, oh Dios!! (Oh, My God! Oh, God)

(Old Lady drops tray, shatters china, Paolo storms through the door, wrestles gun away from Big Moustached Villain, Paolo jumps back under the door frame, gust of wind blows his shirt open)

Old Lady: Paolo!!

(Paolo and Old Woman kiss passionately. Big moustached Villain cries bitterly, tear rolls down his cheek)

Big Moustached Villain: Paolo!!

(Paolo and Old Lady slowly turn to the camera, agonizing looks)

(Cut to promo, Sultry Looking Woman and Big Moustached Stud run towards each other, turn and dramatically pose for the camera, Old Lady head flies through the screen)

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

Caption: Besos y Lagrimas

(Cut to party in the mansion´s living room, a picture is covered in paper, Big Moustached Villain, Old Lady wearing a nightgown are standing to the left side of the picture, to the right a Moustached Eye Patched Man stands. Big Moustached Stud sits on the couch with Sultry Looking Woman, she holds a baby, everyone is holding drinks)

Moustached Eye Patched Man: Y ahora la pintura. (And now, the painting)

(Moustached Eye Patched Man pulls paper away revealing painting of Paolo holding a rake with his shirt blown open by gust of wind. Everybody gasps)

Everybody: Ahhh!!!

(Dramatic music)

Old Lady: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on her face, drops drinks, shatters)

Big Moustached Villain: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on his face, drops drink, shatters)

Big Moustached Stud: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on his face, drops drink, shatters)

Sultry Looking Woman: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on her face, drops drink, shatters)

Moustached Eye Patched Man: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on his face, drops drink, shatters)

(Paolo bursts in with his rake, gust of wind blows open his shirt, gust of wind opens up the shirt of the baby also. Sultry Looking Woman cries)

Big Moustached Stud: Paolo!! (Cries)

(Sad music, Paolo extends his arm to the baby, longing for it, looks away and cries, looks up and sobs)

(Cut to promo, Big Moustached Stud and Sultry Looking Woman pose for the camera, Paolo stands in the middle, leans on the rake oh!, so sexy!)

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

Caption: Besos y Lagrimas

(Cheers and Applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Basic Instinct 2

Sharon Stone/Catherine Trammel…Amy Poehler
Detective…Will Forte

Announcer: It scandalized a nation. (Shot of the city of London at night, quick cuts of police securing crime scene, taking photos, a needle in an arm) The most talked about film of the last two decades. (Shot of sports car racing down the street, Sharon/Catherine picking up an ice pick) Now she’s back. (Shot of London’s buildings) Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct2:The Return of the Beaver.”

Caption: “Basic Instinct 2: The Return of the Beaver.”

(Sharon/Catherine sits, smoking in an interrogation room)

Sharon/Catherine: What is it you really want detective? Why can’t you come out and say it? Does this bother you? (She uncrosses her legs, pauses for a second legs wide open, finally crosses her legs. Detective sitting on a table with no interest whatsoever)

Detective: Thank you but no, no, no, no.

Announcer: The tease is over. (shot of sexy legs in black lingerie, black high heels, MGM’s logo) Because in this new version of Basic Instinct we thought it would be better if there were hair pie. (Shot of more buildings at night)

Caption: “Hair Pie”

(Back to interrogation room)

Sharon/Catherine: Do I scare you, Detective? Does it make you nervous to look at me? What about when I do this? (Lifts her leg up high)

Detective: (Sadly) Close that up for me.

(Another shot of the city’s skyline at night)

Announcer: Why not, right? I mean the leg thing worked on the last one. (Shot of London’s Big Ben) So what about going for just a crazy wide-open spread. (Sharon/Catherine uncrossing her legs in slo-mo) There’s also a story of some sort. (Shot of a courtroom. Caption: “A Story”) Check it out and you know what I mean by “it.” (Shot of car racing down the street, cars crashes through a wall of glass)

Sharon/Catherine: Ha, ha, ha. What do you think of that? (Has her leg lifted almost touching her head, points at her crotch) That’s my vagina. (Smiles)

Caption: “Basic Instinct 2.”

Announcer: “Basic Instinct 2.” It’s in theaters now. I’m not kidding.

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Rep. Tom Tancredo…..Jason Sudeikis
Vincente Fox…..Antonio Banderas
Cynthia McKinney…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on CNN logo ]

Announcer: This is CNN.

[ dissolve to Anderson Cooper 360 logo ]

[ dissolve to Anderson Cooper ]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening, I’m Anderson Cooper! If you like your news rugged yet fragile, tough yet sensitive, and with icy blue eyes that say, “Yeah, this is gonna work out,” you’ve come to the right place. Immigration. It’s an issue that has our nation split. The President, John McCain and Bill Frist all unveiled plans this week. But the debate rages on. Joining us now is vocal immigration critic – Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo. Welcome, Congressman.

Rep. Tom Tancredo: Good to be here, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Congressman, you’ve referred to illegal aliens as a scourge, that threatens the very future of our nation. Pretty strong words.

Rep. Tom Tancredo: Anderson, America needs to start worrying about our jobs. Jobs that are going to illegal aliens Because if we don’t do something fast, one day we’re going to have to look our children in the eyes and say, “I’m sorry, Timmy, but you’re never, ever going to be able to wash dishes at a restaurant.” “And, Tom, Jr., you’re never going to grow up and hand out towels in a men’s room. ” “And, little Jessica, I know it’s your dream to stand at a highway exit and hand out bags of oranges – but it’s not going to happen. Those jobs aren’t available to Americans any more.”

Anderson Cooper: There are, of course, other voices in the immigration debate. Here to discuss the socio-economic values at the heart of the immigration issue – Mexican President vincente Fox.

vincente Fox: Hello, Onderson! [ audience screams their approval ]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. President, you believe that there’s a compromise to be struck on this issue, correct?

vincente Fox: Well, yes, Onderson, I understand that illegal aliens are a serious issue. But, let me put it to you like this: We are neighbors. The good kind. The one who say, “Hello, neighbor!” Remember? You scratch our backs, we buy your cars. Neighbors!

Anderson Cooper: Congressman Tancredo, do you actually think it’s realistic to shut down our borders with Mexico?

vincente Fox: Yes, I do, Anderson. It’s very simple. We’re just going to build a 700-mile long wall across the entire length of the Mexican border.

Anderson Cooper: 700 miles – that’s a very long wall. It sounds like it would be very expensive to build.

vincente Fox: Yeah, you would think so, Anderson, but it’s not. Now, I can’t go into specifics, but, suffice it to say, we’ve found a labor force willing to get the whole job done at about a fifth of the cost. We’re very excited about it. They don’t need healthy insurance, and you just pick them up in the parking lot of the Home Depot.

Anderson Cooper: I see. President Fox?

vincente Fox: Why do you talk about Mexican immigration problem? What about the American immigration problem to my country?

Anderson Cooper: To your country? What do you mean?

vincente Fox: Spring Break? Thousands of young Americans stream into my country every Spring, to places like Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, Tijuana. You suck up our natural resources – yeah, such as tequila and rum punch with free refills if you are wearing the proper party pass. And then, as if to tease us, your women flash their breasts – only to cover them up and take them back to America?! You have the nerve to ask us why we are coming into your country? It is very simple, my friend – we are following the breasts!

Anderson Cooper: A pointed image. Well, immigration wasn’t the only border issue in Washington, D.C. this week. Georgia representative Cynthia McKinney had an altercation with a Capitol Hill police officer, who refused her entry into the Capitol Building, when she refused to show proper identification. Joining us now – Congresswoman McKinney.

Cynthia McKinney: Yeah, thank you, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: So, what exactly happened, Congresswoman?

Cynthia McKinney: Anderson, this was just a big to-do about a hairdo.

Anderson Cooper: Well, let me apologize in advance for this not rhyming – but I think it was a big to-do about you slapping a police officer in the face.

Cynthia McKinney: Anderson, let me ask you this: what black woman in her right mind would want to go into the Capitol if she didn’t have to? I mean, we’re talking about a building full of rich, old, white men, Anderson. It wasn’t like I was trying to get into a Peabo Bryson concert!

Anderson Cooper: But you do admit you weren’t wearing your Congressional pin. There are 535 members of Congress. You can’t expect a police officer to remember all of you.

Cynthia McKinney: Here’s the deal, Anderson Cooper: There’s 535 members of Congress – only 84 of them are black; and only 14 of them are women; and only one of them looks this crazy when she goes walking down the steps. Remember my face!!

Anderson Cooper: So you do admit to slapping the police officer?

Cynthia McKinney: What do you want, Anderson? I apologized already. Do not make me feel like a Mexican trying to cross the border when I go to work! You put a police officer in my way, and I will slap him! If you put that police officer, and he has a dog, I will slap that dog!! I am going to work, Momma’s gettin’ paid!

Anderson Cooper: Interesting take.

Cynthia McKinney: Don’t you sass me, Anderson Cooper! I will slap that Kiehl’s moisturizer off your face, Anderson Cooper!

Anderson Cooper: Well, that’s all the time we have. Coming up next: a very special Lou Dobbs Report, where Lou goes to an Indian restaurant, strips to his waist and offers to take on any waiter who “dares to try it.” And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 8th, 2006

Antonio Banderas

Mary J. Blige

None

Chris Kattan
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) discusses the immigration issue with Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo (Jason Sudeikis), Mexican President Vincente Fox (Antonio Banderas) and a hairified Cynthia McKinney (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Vincente Fox.

Transcript

MontageNote: Though credited, Maya Rudolph does not appear in this episode.

Antonio Banderas’ MonologueSummary: Antonio Banderas reveals that he is really a woman.

Bio: Antonio Banderas (1960-). Spanish actor; appeared prominently in films directed by Pedro Almodóvar during the 1980’s; American film performances include: “Desperado” (1995) and “The Mask of Zorro” (1998); married to actress Melanie Griffith.

Transcript

Basic Instinct 2Summary: Sharon Stone reveals a lot more between her legs in the long-awaited film sequel.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Stone.

Transcript

Deal Or No DealSummary: An eager contestant (Antonio Banderas) doesn’t understand the rules of the multi-faceted game.

Recurring Characters: Howie Mandel.

Transcript

OperatorSummary: Monotone-speaking telephone operator Julie (Rachel Dratch) meets a man (Antonio Banderas) at a cocktail party.

Recurring Characters: Julie.

Transcript

Besos Y LagrimasSummary: Contorted facial expressions and a wind-blown shirt dominate infidelity on a Spanish soap opera.

Transcript

13th Annual Women’s Basketball Coaches’ Fashion AwardsSummary: Women’s basketball coaches are celebrated for their masculine clothing choices.

Mary J. Blige performs “Be Without You”First Performed: 92o.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) has bitter sentiments about Katie Couric’s assignment to host the “CBS Evening News”. Finesse Mitchell delivers a Public Service Announcement about the warning signs of an angry black woman. “One Tree Hill” hearththrob Chad Michael Murray (Will Forte) comments about the numerous co-stars he’s married. Because Antonio Banderas is tonight’s host, Chris Kattan makes a surprise appearance to remind viewers that he used to imitate Banderas on SNL.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Transcript

ZorroSummary: Frightened at the prospect of bird flu, Antonio Banderas lets his hefty stand-in (Horatio Sanz) perform a kissing scene with Catherine Zeta-Jones (Amy Poehler) while filming “Zorro.”

Transcript

KaraokeSummary: A shy woman’s (Rachel Dratch) attempt to express feelings for her boyfriend (Antonio Banderas) in song are hijacked by the shameless karaoke DJ (Amy Poehler).

Transcript

The PlanSummary: Antonio Banderas, Horatio Sanz and Fred Armisen announce that the Spanish-speaking population really is plotting an American takeover.

Transcript

Mary J. Blige performs “Enough Crying”

Wine EnthusiastsSummary: Pretentious friends (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Antonio Banderas) offer increasingly outlandish comments on the wines they are tasting.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.

Airport BarSummary: While waiting for his plane, Antonio Banderas shares a drink with a woman (Kristin Wiig) who constantly complains about everything.

America’s Top Romance ModelSummary: Male models (Antonio Banderas, Kenan Thompson) compete for the chance to appear on the cover of a romance novel.

Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

The SuitSummary: Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself to a clothing salesman (Antonio Banderas) while purportedly shopping for a suit.

Recurring Characters: Ed Mahoney.

Soccer MatchSummary: A benchlined soccer player (Antonio Banderas) wants desperately to be put in the game.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

SNL Transcripts

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