Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:
May 7th, 2005

Johnny Knoxville

System of a Down

None

Paula Abdul

Lorne Michaels

Sophie Michaels

Don Pardo

Patti Forte

Leo Allen

Eric Slovin
Primetime LiveSummary: Paula Abdul introduces a re-enactment of the “American Idol” expose, in which she (Amy Poehler) makes come-ons to various contestants.

Bio: Paula Abdul (1962-). Singer; former cheerleader for the L.A. Lakers; married to Emilio Estevez, 1992-94; talent judge on “American Idol”, since 2002.

Recurring Characters: Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Justin Guarini.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo can be heard clearing his throat at the top of the montage.

Note: Writer Jason Sudeikis joins the cast as a featured player.

Johnny Knoxville’s MonologueSummary: Johnny Knoxville shows “Jackass” style video footage of his week at SNL, in which he is repeatedly smacked around by cast and crew members.

Bio: Johnny Knoxville (1971-). Comedian; longtime star of M-TV’s “Jackass” series; at one time, auditioned to join the cast of “Saturday Night Live”.

Transcript

Mom JeansSummary: The shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 02s.

Sally & Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be DivorcedSummary: Married couple Sally (Amy Poehler) & Harrison Dan (Seth Meyers) find every excuse to pick fights and insult one another during a dinner party with close friends.

Note: By their next appearance, The Harrisons would be renamed The Needlers.

Transcript

Domino’s Pizza PromoSummary: While dressed as a slice of cheeseburger pizza, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) improvises a commercial promo for Domino’s Pizza.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

VersaceSummary: In Calabria, Italy, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to her mom (Rachel Dratch). The uneventful proceedings are then interrupted by Elton John (Horatio Sanz) and fiance (Johnny Knoxville).

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Channel 5 Late Night MovieSummary: In “Visitors From Another Planet”, a captured farmboy (Will Forte) is tricked into being anally-probed by the alien fleet (Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, Johnny Knoxville).

Transcript

System of a Down performs “B.Y.O.B.”Bio: Politically-active metal band; members: Daron Malakian, Shavo Odadjian, Serj Tankian, John Dolmayan.

Note: Despite the network’s censoring of expletives during the song, guitarist Daron Malakian slips past a scream of “Fuck, yeah!” toward the end.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Will Forte wishes his mother, Patti Forte, a happy mother’s Day with a little ditty called “I’m Gonna Miss You When You’re Dead.” Dead comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) performs more racist jokes to offend his interpretor Marcus (Kenan Thompson). Tina and Amy sing a peppy jingle for Bobos sneakers. Tina and Amy pay tribute to the life of Weekend Update founding editor Herb Sargent.

Bio: Patti Forte. Writer/artist.

Transcript

Mother’s Day BrunchSummary: Three strange tales set at a Mother’s Day brunch – two sons (Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) dine with their mother (Rachel Dratch) and sex-change-in-progress father (Johnny Knoxville; a grandma (Maya Rudolph) who doesn’t recognize her grandsons (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell); and a young couple (Amy Poehler, Rob Riggle) who think their new baby is the msot wonderful thing in the world. Enduring all this is the unlucky waiter (Chris Parnell) who has to work on Mother’s Day.

Transcript

Helping Hands TelethonSummary: A shady televangelist’s (Johnny Knoxville) hopes to swindle contributions from viewers is thwarted by the panicky cries of “Oh, no!” by phone operator Andy (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Andy.

Transcript

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin, Irv (Johny Knoxville) make their lewd come-ons to women shoppingat Victoria’s Secrets.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

System of a Down performs “Aerials”Lyrics

Action NewsSummary: The Action News desk features an overabundant news team, everything from a budget gourmet (Finesse Mitchell) to a possible arsonist (Chris Parnell) alluded to in the night’s top story.

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: T. Sean Shannon film documents another day in the life of Bear City. This time, a Bear’s wife calls him home from the bar, and his pals make fun of him after he sulks home with his tail between his legs.

Transcript

Todd Foxworthy: You Might Be A Gay Redneck, If..Summary: The stand-up routine of Jeff Foxworthy’s gay half-brother, Todd Foxworthy (Johnny Knoxville), takes the redneck jokes one step further.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

Jasper the Parrot IISummary: Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) and her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen), invite a date (Johnny Knoxville) and his giant pigeon (Maya Rudolph) over for lunch.

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

Johnny RebelSummary: Even with his fast motorcycle, Jonny Rebel (Johnny Knoxville) can’t run away from a persistent woman (Rachel Dratch).

The Urine SamplerSummary: Crime scene investigator (Johnny Knoxville) solves mysteries by tasting the victim’s urine.

Bear CitySummary: A bear hails a taxi cab.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Why Brady?

…..Tom Brady
Fed Ex Courier…..Rob Riggle
Peyton Manning…..Seth Meyers
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Mrs. McNabb…..Kenan Thompson

INT. STUDIO 8H – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

TOM BRADY makes his way through the building. He encounters a FED-EX COURIER.

Courier: Hey Tom! Great job, man! Great job!

Tom Brady: Oh…thanks.

Both men give a secret handshake.

Courier: Hey… I think Peyton Manning’s been looking for you.

Courier glances behind Tom.

Courier: Oh… there he is!

PEYTON MANNING ENTERS, wearing his Indianapolis Colts jersey and ballcap.

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom… Good to see you.

Both men shake hands.

Tom Brady: Did you get those tickets I left you? Peyton shakes his head.

Peyton Manning: No.

Tom Brady: That’s weird… I left them.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, Eli got me in. Listen… how do they choose the quarterback who’ll host? Is it based in yards?

Tom Brady: I don’t know Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, because I passed 4,557 yards this year and you only passed 3,690.

Tom Brady: Then I guess it wasn’t yards.

Peyton Manning: Yeah I guess it wasn’t!

Peyton scowls at Tom.

Mrs. McNabb (off-screen): Yeah, I got a question for you, Tom Brady.

MRS. MCNABB, in her son DONOVAN’s Philadelphia Eagles jersey under a white fur coat, proceeds in with Donovan behind her.

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb. Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: How did they choose this “host”? Because if it were up to me, my baby Donovan would be the host. He’s funny… he’s adorable.

Donovan McNabb: Okay mama… Now you’re embarrassing me.

Mrs. McNabb: Not! Not! Now!!

Tom Brady: Mrs. McNabb… I’m sure you would’ve chosen Donovan. And if it was up to my mom, she probably would have chosen me.

Mrs. McNabb: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with your mother. Is she a spokeswoman for a national soup company? A soup company so famous Andy Warhol did a painting of it. Andy Warhol!!

Mrs. McNabb throws her arms in the air. Donovan lowers her arms down.

Donovan McNabb: Mama, please!

Peyton Manning: Hey Tom, I figured it out. How many touchdowns did you throw last year?

Tom Brady: Uh, I don’t know Peyton… like 20-something?

Peyton Manning: Hmmm… then they probably didn’t choose it by touchdowns because I threw 49. That’s an NFL record. That’s a lot of touchdowns everybody.

Peyton’s holds his arms in the air, glancing around to see if anybody’s paying attention. Tom lays his hand on Peyton’s right shoulder.

Tom Brady: You had a great year buddy.

Peyton folds his arms.

Peyton Manning: So then why did they choose you!?

Tom Brady: I’m sorry Peyton. I don’t know.

Donovan McNabb: Maybe’s because you got those three Super Bowl rings?

Mrs. McNabb hits Donovan.

Mrs. McNabb: Don’t help him!

Tom Brady: Sorry guys. I got to get ready for the next sketch. And Peyton… some advice – don’t wear that jersey in public all the time.

Peyton Manning: All right.

Tom EXITS.

Donovan McNabb: Well I guess there’s only one way to get a Super Bowl ring…

Peyton Manning: Hard work, dedication, and performance in the clutch.

Mrs. McNabb: Or – we could beat him down and take those rings! I’m gangsta!!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, that works too.

Donovan points to Peyton.

Donovan McNabb: All right, Mom. He’s 6’4″, so you’re first.

Mrs. McNabb: All right, baby. Let’s go.

Mrs. McNabb and Peyton start doing air punches against imaginary opponents. After a moment, all three exit to where Tom left.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Jiminy Glick…..Martin Short
Lorne Michaels…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day in 2005, and the third straight triple digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial Average. On the bright side, your social security money isn’t in there yet!

Tina Fey: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon met with President Bush at his Crawford, Texas ranch this week, where the two men discussed ways to calm the explosive situation on the set of Desperate Housewives.

Democrats have asked for more time to question UN Ambassador candidate John Bolton so the Senate Foreign Relations Committee has delayed an approval vote by one week. In the meantime, Bolton will go back to doing his one-man show about Mark Twain.

Amy Poehler: On her website Tuesday, Britney Spears announced that she and husband Kevin Federline are going to have a baby, or as Britney put it, “My new baby drops in September, ya’ll.”

To promote the remake of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, Warner Brothers in launching a contest similar to the on in the movie, in which five golden tickets will be hidden in candy bars with the winners getting a trip to LA. But please, anyone involved in this contest should understand that if someone in LA offers you an everlasting gobstopper, there will be sex involved.

Tina Fey: Health experts say that residents of Atlantic City, New Jersey are dying at a higher rate than people who live elsewhere in the state. This fits with the city’s new motto ‘What happens in Atlantic City, dies in Atlantic City.’

It was announced this week that the only known whale-dolphin mix, or wholphin, has given birth to a female calf. Sadly, the calf was immediately eaten by a sharktapus. (Shows a picture of an animal with a shark’s head, but an octopus’ tentacles) Oh! I don’t like that thing!

Amy Poehler: I don’t like that picture! I don’t like that picture!

Tina Fey: You’re going to have nightmares about that.

Amy Poehler: A six-year-old boy in England got his black belt in karate this week, so before he gets too big, don’t miss this awesome opportunity to kick a black belt’s ass!

Tina Fey: After being banned for thirteen years over potential health risks, the FDA has recommended allowing silicone breast implants back on the market, and commercials for them will go something like this…

(Slow music starts playing and a blurry filter is added for effect)

Tina Fey: Hmm… I want to cut myself open and put bags of goo in my chest… but I want something different… something less safe.

Amy Poehler: Something old school.

Tina Fey: I want married men at the mall to stare at me.

Amy Poehler: I want to look fat in shirts.

Tina Fey: I want to meet Joe Rogan.

V/O: Mentor Silicone Breast Implants. The big ol’ bags of goo that probably don’t give you lupus.

Amy Poehler: Paris Hilton will be starring in a new movie called ‘Bottoms Up.’ She will be playing the part of Bottoms.

Tina Fey: The two giant pandas at the San Diego Zoo mated over the past two days. This marks the only successful insemination of a panda this year in the US. It also proves once again, that I make the world’s most awesome slow jam mix tapes!

Amy Poehler: You really do!

Before conceiving, zoo officials closed the exhibit so that the pandas, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian, could mate in private. No such luck for Yo-Yo and Dum-Dum. (Shows a picture of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline)

Tina Fey: Well, yes, best wishes to them. And speaking of entertainment news, we’re very excited about this, please welcome our resident entertainment expert, celebrity interviewer to the stars, Mr. Jiminy Glick.

(He enters very excited and yells some stuff and claps his hands)

Jiminy Glick: Oh my goodness, aren’t they sweet? Aren’t you so, you’re, I mean your response to me is so fresh and raw and of the moment! You’re wonderful, all of you!

Tina Fey: Jiminy, thank you, you know thanks for being here. We’re very excited to have you.

Jiminy Glick: Aren’t you sweet, Tina Mey. You really are, and this whole bookworm thing is just so sexy! Ruff! Ruff Ruff!!

Tina Fey: Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

Jiminy Glick: Although I do miss Jimmy. I just think Jimmy is such a spirit. You know what I used to love when Jimmy would sometimes he’d look off camera and his hair would be all askew and I would say, “Oh, my god, he’s got to fix his hair!” And it was just SO of the moment and just such an act of bravery in what he’d do.

Amy Poehler: Very brave. Yeah. He’s great, Jimmy’s great.

Jiminy Glick: But this whole two woman gimmick is so much fun. I really think it’s great! And you two certainly are an inspiration for young lesbians everywhere. I mean they’re thinking ‘If they can do it, so can I.’

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jiminy. Now, I didn’t want to ask you this over the phone…

Jiminy Glick: How come?

Tina Fey: Well, I wanted you to book your flight, but… why are you here?

Jiminy Glick: Well, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you why I’m here Tina Mey. I’m here to promote the release of our last and certainly least DVD of the best of Jiminy Glick and it’s a collection of my thirty years of celebrity interviews. And this one, disk 57, I mean even I have to admit it is absolutely the dregs! It’s the lowest of the low, you just can’t get any stinker than what’s on this! I mean we’ve got an interview with Urkel, uh, an interview with Robert Blake before he killed his wife, and uh, Erik Estrada and the whole cast of Chips. It’s just awful, but the worst of all, is the interview with your maestro Lorne Michaels, it takes place in 1975, and it’s bad.

Tina Fey: Well yes, I think we have a clip of this is a classic Jiminy Glick interview from 1975 with a young Lorne Michaels.

(Jiminy pulls out these HUGE, ugly glasses and puts them on)

Jiminy Glick: Oh! Let’s take a look! I bet it’s good!

(Cut to the 1975 interview. Jiminy and Lorne are sitting next to each other in large sofa chairs)

Jiminy Glick: I’m sitting here with the creator and founder and the lord of all that is mirthful I suppose, Mr. Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels, how are you? Congratulations on this hit you have!

(Jiminy hits Lorne on the knee with a rolled up thing of papers he’s holding)

Lorne Michaels: Thank you! Thank you!

Jiminy Glick: Oh! And the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players! That’s fun! Who came up with that phrase?

Lorne Michaels: (talks slowly throughout the interview) Well uh, we were kicking it around uh, in the studio…

Jiminy Glick: Who were the people?

Lorne Michaels: Well you know uh me, and Danny, Chevy, uh…

Jiminy Glick: ‘I’m Chevy Chase and you’re uh, you’re simply not Chevy.’ I can’t remember, I haven’t seen the show!

Lorne Michaels: Each of them great in their own ways, but when Candy Bergen came on the show, the cast felt like it had congealed —

(Show Jiminy who has fallen asleep)

Lorne Michaels: — to this family of comedians who had been…

(Jiminy slowly falls forward and eventually plummets head first onto the floor)

Jiminy Glick: Oh!! Ah, yes, okay, now you’re born on the same day as Mama Cass…

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Jiminy Glick: Are you a California Dreamer, Lorne?

(Jiminy grabs a donut from the table in front of them, and eats it repulsively fast!)

Lorne Michaels: Well I like to think of myself as many different uh, I’m a California Dreamers?… I’m from everywhere. I’m originally from Canada.

Jiminy Glick: (With mouth still full of donuts) OH! From Canada!

Lorne Michaels: Yes. Right.

Jiminy Glick: (Mouth is still stuffed with food) Is it cold there all the time or does it not get cold?

Lorne Michaels: Well it’s…

(Jiminy begins to choke on the donuts)

Lorne Michaels: ..temperature varies…

(Jiminy hits himself in the chest and says some things, but you can’t understand him. Lorne goes over and does the Heimlich maneuver. While doing this, Jiminy stuffs even more donuts into his mouth)

Jiminy Glick: I’m fine, thanks you. I find that sometimes when you’re choking, more food helps.

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Jiminy Glick: So far, who’s been the stinkiest host, the host that’s just bored you?

Lorne Michaels: Well I like to think that each host has something to offer uh, I don’t know that I could answer that question. They’re all great in their own way.

Jiminy Glick: (Frustrated) Why are you so boring? I have a show to do, and you are just so bad! You’re expected to entertain and say something! Listen to what I’m saying Mr. Brand-New-In-Show-Business, Mr. Fixnon, who by the way, this show will not last, there’s no way it will. It can’t! Not with you at the helm. You’ll be back, you’ll be sloggin, killing beavers, whatever you Canadians do. You just, hittin’ ‘em with your fists. Fisting them is what you’ll be doing. And you should be ashamed… to do that to a beaver!

Lorne Michaels: That’s your opinion.

(Jiminy screams and runs over and attacks Lorne. He ends up smashing a vase of flowers on Lorne’s head too)

(Back to the studio)

Jiminy Glick: I knew it was a bad one!

Tina Fey: Thank you. That was, Jiminy, that was fascinating.

Jiminy Glick: And again Tina Mey, you are just one of the sexiest women I’ve ever seen, I just… Although I’d love you to put these together (motions at her breasts) and make one good one.

Tina Fey: All right! Jiminy Glick everyone!

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

(Jiminy starts to kiss Tina)

Amy Poehler: ..and she’s Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Touchdown

Written by: Joe Kelly & Jason Sudeikis

Alan….Tom Brady
Kurt….Rob Riggle
Alan’s Wife….Maya Rudolph
Kurt’s Wife….Rachel Dratch
Earl….Will Forte
Carnie….Chris Parnell
Gay guy 1….Seth Meyers
Gay Guy 2….Fred Armisen
Old lady in a wheelchair….Amy Poehler

[Opens with a carnival. Cut to 2 couples hanging together at the carnival. Alan is eating cake. Kurt’s wife is pregnant.]

Alan’s Wife: This is going to be fun, isn’t it?

Kurt: Heck yeah! Carnivals are great! What do you say Alan?

Alan: Hey, if I’m eating funnel cake, you know I’m having fun.

Kurt’s Wife: What do you guys want to do first?

Alan: I’m getting my ass another funnel cake.

Alan’s Wife: Sweetie, pace yourself. Let’s go on a couple of rides first like the screaming barrels!

Kurt: Yeah! That’s awesome!

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, I can’t. Remember? [shows her pregnant belly]

Kurt: Oh, yeah. The damn baby.

Kurt’s Wife: Well, you guys go ahead. Its ok.

Alan’s Wife: No, no, no. Let’s do something together.

Alan: Let’s get funnel cakes.

Alan’s Wife: Alan, seriously. Chill out.

Kurt: Hey, I know. Let’s play some of this games.

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, that would be fun!

[The two couples walk towards Earl. He is in charge of a game of scoring a football through a hole on a board. The board is decorated with football players. The balls are placed in front of Earl. The prize for scoring are pink bears. They are hanging behind Earl.]

Earl: Step right up! Make a touchdown, win a bear! Only $5 a throw.

Kurt’s Wife: Oh, sweetie. Will you win me a bear, please?

Kurt: Sure, sure. I’ll take one of those cause that is all I’m gonna need. Ah,haha. [pays Earl, picks football up]

[Kurt throws and scores through the hole]

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: Yeah! Whoo!

Alan: Man!

[Earl gives Kurt a big pink bear. Kurt gives it to his wife]

Kurt: There you go, sweetie.

Alan’s Wife: Oh, I want a bear.

Alan: All right. Coming right up.[pays up, grabs football] I’ll take one of those. And if you don’t mind I’ll throw from the men’s tees.[walks farther back to throw]

Kurt: Ooh.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Darn it!

Kurt: Hey, hey. No biggie, chief. Just shake it off.

Alan: All right. Here’s another five.[pays Earl, grabs football. Throws from closer]

Alan’s Wife: Oh, you can do it, honey. Come on.

[Alan throws and misses the hole]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Are you kidding me?!

Kurt’s Wife: My turn, my turn!

[Kurt’s wife pregnant and all steps up and throws the football underhand in a girlie, non athletic, dorky way and scores.]

Earl: Touchdown!

[They all laugh except Alan. Kurt’s wife gets another pink bear]

Kurt: That was awesome!

Alan’s Wife: This is a hoot! Let me try.[steps up and picks football]

Alan: Careful, honey. Its a lot harder than it looks.

[Alan’s wife throws and scores]

Alan’s Wife: Ok. Oh, hells yeah!

Earl: Touchdown!

Kurt: What a shot!

Alan’s Wife: Ug! That’s how you do it! Ah, give me that bear!

[Earl gives Alan’s wife her pink bear]

Alan: All right. Here’s $15 dollars. Give me 3 balls. [pays]

[Alan throws the football, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Far from a touchdown!

Alan: Dang it!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey. No big deal, all right?

Kurt’s Wife: Yeah, why don’t we just go do something else?

Alan’s Wife: Yeah, Alan. You can have my bear.

Alan: I don’t want your damn bear! I want my own bear.

Kurt: Hey, hey. Its just a game, right?

Alan:[menacingly] Back off, Kurt.

Earl: Step right up! Throw a touchdown, win a bear!

[Two gay guys step up to Earl]

Gay Guy 2: So, what’s this? What is this?

Gay Guy 1: This is football, silly.

Gay Guy 2: What do I do here?

Gay Guy 1: You throw that in there and win me a bear.

Gay Guy 2: I want a bear too.

Gay Guy 1: Ok, lets do it together,

Gay Guy 2: Ok.

[Both gay guys throw their respective footballs and both score. They jump up and down very happy]

Gay Guy 1 & 2: Yay!

Earl: Touchdown!

[Earl gives them each a pink bear]

Gay Guy 1: That was the easiest thing ever![leaves]

[An old lady in a motorized wheelchair steps up to Earl]

Old Lady: Hey! Whoo! Hey, Earl. One please. Ok.

[Old lady throws the football like a hook shot without even looking, she scores]

[Earl gives her the pink bear but she takes off]

Old Lady: Whoo! Keep it.

Alan: Here’s 100 bucks! Keep ’em coming. [pays, footballs are lined up in front of him]

Alan’s Wife: Alan, Alan, this is getting really expensive!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Damn!

Alan’s Wife: Honey, why don’t we get some funnel cake?

Alan: No funnel cakes! Bear!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Unbelievable!

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, hey, um, maybe you should try it, like, underhand?

Alan: Maybe you should shut up!

Kurt: Hey, hey, hey.

Earl: Not a cool move.

Alan: You stay out of it!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not a touchdown!

Alan: Stop saying that!

Earl: Stop missing.

Alan: Say one more thing and the next one’s coming at your head!

Earl: I could not be less worried.

Alan: All right. That’s it.

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Not even close!

[Alan throws, misses]

Earl: Worse than the previous two!

Alan: I can’t hit anything!

[Alan turns to another game and throws the football knocking down some pins]

Carnie: Haaaa!! We have a winner! The gentleman gets himself a pretty new doll.

[Carnie gives Alan a little doll]

Alan’s Wife: Hey, look at that.

Kurt’s Wife: Hey, there you go.

Alan: Damn right! None of you won a doll! I won a doll.

Alan’s Wife: Yes you did, baby. Now, let’s go get some funnel cake.

Alan: Make it two. One for me and one for Miss Penelope here.

[The foursome walk away]

[Cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Behind The Music: The Super Bowl Shuffle

Written by: Rich Talarico

Jim McMahon….Tom Brady
William “The Refrigerator” Perry….Kenan Thompson
Willie Gault….Finesse Mitchell
Mike Ditka….Horatio Sanz
Bear Teammate….Rob Riggle
Cowbell Bear Teammate….Jason Sudeikis
Announcer….Darrell Hammond
Steve Fuller (#4)…..Joe Kelly
Off Camera Interviewer….Chris Parnell

[Opens with montage of photos. Mike Ditka beingcarried up in arms by his team, the Chicago Bears.Photos of football players in action]

Announcer: The 1985 Chicago Bears were one of the bestteams in football history with an impressive 15-1record. But off the field something else wasbrewing—their music.

[VH-1 Behind the Music Montage and Logo. The Super Bowl Shuffle]

[The whole Chicago Bears football team is dressed upin their football jerseys. Up front is Jim McMahonwith his dark sunglasses and white bandanna,by hisside is William “The Refrigerator” Perry and Willie Gault]

All: [rapping]We are the Bears shuffling crew/shuffleon down/doing it for you/We’re so bad/You know we’regood/Blow your mind/like we knew we could/We just herestrutting for fun/strutting our stuff foreveryone/we’re not here to start no trouble/we’re justhere doing the Super Bowl Shuffle.

[Map of Chicago]

Announcer: The Super Bowl Shuffle was one of the mostpopular songs ever recorded by a professional sportsteam in the Chicago area. The shuffling crew hadskyrocketed to the top of the charts. [Billboard Chartshows The Super Bowl Shuffle at number one, beatingout Lionel Richie’s “Say you, say me”, BruceSpringsteen’s “Glory Days”, Paul Young’s “Every timeyou go away”]. Overnight the Chicago Bears went frombeing famous to being famous for a completelydifferent reason. Bears Quarterback Jim McMahon.

Caption: Jim McMahon Quarterback/Vocals

[Cut to Jim talking in a recording studio, sunglasses,bandanna, number 9 jersey]

Jim McMahon: See, you got to remember, this was 1985.And nobody — and I mean nobody — was doing rap back then.

Off Camera Interviewer: What about the Sugar Hillgang? Grandmaster Flash? Run DMC?

Jim McMahon: Hey, hey, hey. Stop correcting me everytime I say something wrong. Cause if you do that we’re gonna be here forever.

Announcer: Defensive tackle, William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

Caption: Defensive tackle/Vocals William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

[Perry is in his Subway restaurant uniform, behind thecounter making a sandwich]

William “The Refrigerator” Perry: Man, when we wrote”Shuffle” the planets aligned.[to an off cameracustomer]White or wheat, boss? Ok. The music flowedfrom us like a fountain. [to his off cameracustomer]Onions? Pickles? Ok. We surrendered ourindividuality and became one with the music. I mean,we were gods.[to his off camera customer]Chips and adrink? Make that a meal? Ok.

Announcer: Wide receiver, Willie Gault.[He’s chillin’ in a sofa]

Caption: Wide Receiver/Vocals Willie Gault

Willie Gault: Well, you know, we weren’t your typicalband. I mean, come on, we had one guitar, onesaxophone, a cowbell, a conga drum and 27 vocalists.12 of them couldn’t sing and 5 out of the 12 couldn’teven read. But somehow we made it all work.

Announcer: Coach Mike Ditka.

Caption: Mike Ditka Bears Coach 1982-1992

[He’s in a Sports Bar, beer in front of him]

Mike Ditka: 1985. Well, that’s going back a long way.The Chicago Bears played great football. Let me tellya’, they made some great music, that was 20 yearsago. Now, I got a little older, certain parts don’twork you know, like they used to. So, you got to takesome pills to make them work. That’s why I useLevitra.[holds up a little packet] Levitra, the onlymale erectile disfunction that I use—

Off Camera Interviewer: I’m sorry, Coach. This isn’t a Levitra ad.

Mike Ditka: [surprised] Why do I have a boner?

[Shot of an empty football field]

Announcer: The Bears blew off training camp to getback to the studio.[Shot of Jim and Willie writing inthe recording studio, Perry is opening a Coke.] Thepressure to write a follow-up single was overwhelmingand a few months later The Shuffling Crew released”The Stay in School Shuffle”.

[Shot of Jim, Perry and Willie with headphones singinginto microphones in the recording studio]

[Shot of a tape. The Shuffling Crew. “The Stay in School Shuffle”]

[All the team wears graduation hats, guy with cowbelland glasses is more prominent now]

All: [rapping]We are the Bears/ shuffling through/shuffling down/doing it for you/ we’re so bad/ youknow we’re good/ blow your mind like we knew wecould/you know we’re just here strutting our stuff/strutting our stuff for everyone/we’re not here tostart no trouble/ we’re just here doing The Stay inSchool Shuffle.

[Billboard Chart shows “The Stay in School Shuffle”low numbers. It is between Taco’s “Puttin on theRitz’s(part 2)” and Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time”]

Announcer: Although a critical success “The Stay inSchool Shuffle” was a commercial disappointment andnever reached higher than 288 on the Billboard Charts.The night life and parties of the rock starsBears[Jim, Perry and Willie drink champagne in adisco]was in direct competition with the disciplinedathlete Bears.[Jim, Perry, Willie and others partywith Pee-Wee Herman and have their picture taken withPunky Brewster]On and off the field things werefalling apart. Then, they hit rock bottom.[ Jim, Perryand Co. have their picture taken with Corey Feldmanand Mr.T]

[Cut to Jim]

Jim McMahon: It was a Sunday, November 27th. We had abig game against The Vikings. We were down 42 to 3 andwe went out to perform “The Stay in School Shuffle” aspart of our own half-time show. People were throwingbrats at us and for a Chicago dude to give up thesausage? You know its bad.[cries]I’m sorry. I need aminute.

Announcer: But then amazingly, to everyone’s surpriseJim McMahon had broken through rock bottom to an evenlower rock bottom, a subterranean trench, a personaland professional abyss[Jim takes off his sunglassesonly to reveal another pair of sunglassesunderneath]when he put out his own solo song “The SayNo To Drugs Shuffle”.

[Tape of The Chicago Bears Shuffling Crew. “The Say Noto Drugs Shuffle”.]

[Jim is all alone with the cowbell guy. Cowbell guydances with great enthusiasm]

Jim McMahon:[rapping]I am the Bears Shuffling Guy/shuffling down/ don’t ask me why/ I’m so bad/you knowI’m good/ Blowin’ your mind like you know I would/ youknow I’m just strutting for fun/ strutting my stufffor everyone/ I’m not here to cause no trouble/ I’mjust here to do “The Say No To Drugs Shuffle”!

[Jim and the cowbell guy are back to back, cowbell guypoints his stick to the camera]

[Photos of Jim, Perry and Willie]

Announcer: Jim McMahon and the rest of The ShufflingCrew left music after their brief 2 year career. TheBears would never return to The Super Bowl nor theGrammy’s but we’ll always have the videotapes of TheSuper Bowl Shuffle.

[VH-1 Behind The Music logo. The Super Bowl Shuffle]

[cheers and applause]

[scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Beck performs “Girl”

…..Tom Brady
…..Beck

Tom Brady: Once again – Beck.

Beck:
“I saw her, yeah I saw her
With a black tongue tied round the roses
A fist pounding on a vending machine
Toy diamond ring stuck on her finger
With a noose, she could hang from the sun
And point it out with the dark sunglasses
Walking crooked down the beach
She spits on the sand where their bones are bleaching.

And now I’m gonna steal her eye
She doesn’t even know what’s wrong
And now I’m gonna make her die
Take her where her soul belongs
And now I’m gonna steal her eye
Nothing that I wouldn’t try

My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl

I saw her, yea I saw her
With her hands tied back, her rags are burnin’
Calling out from a landfilled life
Scrawlin’ her name on the ceiling
Throw a coin in the fountain of dust
White noise, her ears are ringing
Got a ticket for my midnight hanging
Throw a bullet from a freight train leaving.

Now I’m gonna steal her eye
She doesn’t even know what’s wrong
Now I’m gonna make her die
Take her where her soul belongs
Know I’m gonna steal her eye
Nothing that I wouldn’t try.

My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl

[ break ]

My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl
My sun-eyed girl, my sun-eyed girl.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Beck performs “E-Pro”

…..Tom Brady
…..Beck

Tom Brady: Ladies and gentlemen – Beck.

Beck:
“See me comin’ to town with my soul
Straight down out of the world with my fingers
Holding onto the devil I know
All my troubles’ll hang on your trigger
Take your eyes and your mind from the road
Shoot your mouth off but look where you’re aiming
Don’t forget to pick up what you sow
Talking trash to the garbage around you.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!

See me kickin’ the door with my boots
Broke down out in a ditch of old rubbish
Snakes and bones in the back of your room
Handing out a confection of venom
Heaven’s drunk from the poison you use
Charm the wolves with the eyes of a gambler
Now I see it’s a comfort to you
Hammer my bones on the anvil of daylight.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!

I won’t give up that ghost
It’s sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There’s too much left to taste that’s bitter.
I won’t give up that ghost
It’s sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There’s too much left to taste that’s bitter.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!

[ break ]

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Goodnights

…..Tom Brady

Tom Brady: Thank you, to Beck.. and Martin Short.. and this wonderful cast and crew. Have a good night!

[ a woman holds a baby as she stands next to Beck, who has fun playing with the baby. The camera pulls back to reveal Chris Parnell holding a sign that’s too far away to be read by the home audience. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

TV Funhouse

Written by: Rob Smigel

Frank…..Fred Armisen
Greg…..Tom Brady
Lisa…..Amy Poehler
Tina…..Tina Fey

[ bumper of Tom Brady is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ dissolve to “General Electric Films” logo ]

Announcer: General Electric Films presents.. “Sexual Harassment and You”, a handy guide to workplace etiquette.

[ dissolve to old-time video footage of three men standing around an office ]

Announcer: Back in the old days, a workplace was a man’s domain.

[ the man in the middle dissolves into a woman ]

Announcer: Today, life is not as simple.

[ show various women working around the office ]

Announcer: Businesses are filled with working women, with corresponding breasts and vaginas.

[ show Frank looking about the room with an uneasy look on his face ]

Announcer: As a man, you want to have sex with all of them. [ Frank’s gaze even falls upon an older-looking woman ] But approaching a woman at work should be done with extreme caution.. [ various women cross in front of Frank’s desk from both sides ] ..to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[ Music sting, as a piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” is held before the camera ]

[ cut to Lisa’s desk, as Frank cautiously approaches from the rear ]

Announcer: Here’s the wrong way to approach a female co-worker.

Frank: [ showing his nervous enthusiasm ] Hey, Lisa! You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

[ Lisa is silent, perhaps caught off guard, but, after a beat, picks up her phone and dials an authority figure ]

Announcer: Uh-oh! That didn’t go over well.

[ Frank is petrified at Lisa’s response, as he envisions the piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” being held before him ]

Announcer: Hello, Lawsuit.

[ cut to the same scene as before, only now with the confident and assured Greg approaching Lisa ]

Announcer: Now, here’s the right way:

Greg: Hey, Lisa. You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

Lisa: [ caught off guard, but pleased ] Oh. Well, great.

Greg: How about tomorrow?

Lisa: Okay!

Greg: Great! See you then! [ squeezes Lisa’s left breast before he exits ]

Announcer: Well done! Okay, let’s review.

[ show close-up of nervous Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Frank was awkward, and a little too pushy.

[ dissolve to close-up of confident Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Greg was handsome.

[ cut to Frank staring at Tina from a distance ]

Announcer: Let’s see if Frank can do better with another co-worker.

[ Greg approaches more cautiously than before, keeping a distance of about five feet behind Tina ]

Greg: Hi.

[ Tina turns to look, rebuffing at the sight of Greg, then picks up the phone to dial security ]

Announcer: The eye contact makes her uncomfortable, and authorities are contacted.

[ a security guard arrives at the scene and hauls Greg away ]

Announcer: Here’s what he should have done:

[ scene wipes back to its start, with Greg approaching Tina while not wearing pants. Sensitive to Greg’s presence, she turns around and smiles. ]

Tina: Hey, Greg! Want to have lunch sometime?

Greg: Sure! How about tomorrow?

Tina: Okay. Here’s my home number. [ hands her number to Greg ]

Greg: Great! [ deposits Tina’s number in the bulge of his underwear, then exits ]

Announcer: See? It can be done. You can have sex with women at work without losing your job, by following a few simple rules:

[ the rules are displayed on-screen with accompanying check marks ]

Be Handsome..

Be Attractive..

and Don’t Be Unattractive.

[ dissolve to Frank, Greg, Lisa and Tina waving to the camera ]

[ dissolve to end card: “Sexual Harassment and You, The End” ]

[ fade to credits ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Tom Brady’s Falafel City

….Tom Brady
Dennis DeYoung….Horatio Sanz
Genie Singer 1….Amy Poehler
Genie Singer 2….Seth Meyers
Genie Singer 3….Maya Rudolph
Genie Singer 4….Kenan Thompson

[Opens with Tom Brady dressed as a middle easternsultan with a turban, black vest, red belt, orangepants]

Tom Brady: Sim, Sim, Saladin, folks! I’m Tom Brady andever since I was a kid I’ve had one dream and onedream only–to open up a restaurant selling highquality middle eastern cuisine at discount prices.Sure, winning all those Super Bowls was fine but takeit from me, nothing compares to serving up a lambkabob platter with all the fixings for just $4.59.[Tom is given a plate, he smells it]Mmmm-mmm.[givesplate back]So, what do you got to lose? Come on downto Tom Brady’s Falafel City.

[4 singers dressed as genies appear in front of Tom.They sing and dance while he’s in middle dancinghappily]

All:[sing] Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ganush! Ba, ba, ba, ba,ba ganush! ba, ba, ba,ba, ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba ba, baganush!

Singer:[sing] At Tom Brady’s Falafel City, yeah TomBrady’s Falafel City!

All:[sing] So grab yourself a pita, fill it full ofmeat at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady Falafel City!

[Singers leave]

Tom Brady: I’ll be honest with you folks. I was sickand tired of people coming up and asking me “Hey, Tom.Where I can get a good falafel sandwich in the southplain field New Jersey area?” So sick and tired that Iconverted an old veterinarian’s office into northcentral New Jersey’s finest low-cost, high volume,middle eastern eatery. How about a juicy shawarmasandwich just for $2.59?

[Tom is given the sandwich. He smells it, is kind ofdisgusted, throws it back]

[The 4 genie singers appear]

All:[sing]Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,baganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush!

Singer 1:[sing] At Tom Brady Falafel City!

All:[sing]We’ll get you feeling awful, grab yourself afalafel, at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady FalafelCity!

[Genie singers leave]

Tom Brady:[holds curved knives] Tom Brady Falafel Cityis without a doubt one of the top 5 NFL quarterbackowned and operated middle eastern restaurants in allof the south plain field area. Don’t believe me? Justask my occasional tennis doubles partner former Styxfront man Dennis De Young.

[Dennis appears, does a lame robot]

Dennis De Young: Domo Arigato Mr. Tom Brady! Hey! I’mDennis De Young. Tom Brady has the best middle easternfood around. Not that I’d know anything about that.No, crippling food allergies prevent me from goinganywhere near middle eastern foods of any kind. Justthe smell of hummus can cause to break out in weepingsores all up and down my thighs. Trust me it can getpretty gruesome. But I’m not alone. Thousands ofAmericans are battling debilitating food allergiesdaily. That’s why Tom Brady generously agreed todonate 50 cents of every dollar to “The Dennis DeYoung House”. A charity I started to help me build ahouse.

Tom Brady: I didn’t agree to anything.

[Apparently Tom skipped his lines]

Dennis De Young: So I can live in it. All right, let’sdo this.[Horatio looks up to Tom. Cracks up]

Tom Brady: I did not. That was not the house.[cracks up]

Dennis De Young: All right. Maybe you didn’t. Aahhhbut that’s great.[cracking up] All right, we’ll seeyou next Saturday, we got an 8:00 court time, right?

Tom Brady: Yup.

Dennis De Young:[sings] You’re Tom Bra-a-ady!!! Yousell discount falafels!!! [laughs]

Tom Brady: So next time you see yourself in the southplain field New Jersey area go to Tom Brady FalafelCity! Open Says-a-,me!

[Genie singers appear]

All:[sing] There’s no burgers, fries or weenies justtabbouleh and tahini, Falafel City ba,ba Tom BradyFalafel City!

[Map to Tom Brady’s Falafel City]

Announcer: Tom Brady Falafel City off route 14 in thestrip mall behind Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole. Rightbetween Donald Trump’s House of Wings and AlSharpton’s Casa de Sushi. Al Sharpton’s Casa deSushi—now serving Thai food.

[cheers and applause]

[scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts