[Set at a Victoria Secrets. Melody is folding clothes]
Phil: (enters, carrying a see through plastic femalebody mannequin) Hey Melody, just wanted to say you’redoing a great job. We’re psyched to have you on boardthe Victoria Secrets team.
Melody: Thanks Phil
Phil: And by the way, looking good (lightly touchesher ass)
Melody: Thanks Phil (trying to brush it off)
Phil: Looking real good
Melody: (annoyed) Thanks Phil
Phil: You know I’m straight right?
Melody: Yes Phil
Phil: Oh, uh…(he begins to whisper something to herand walks off.)
[Enter old woman with nephew]
Aunt: Hello, I am looking for a sales clerk
Melody: Yes, can I help you find something?
Damien: Yeah, uh, my aunt needs some new underwear
Aunt: I need some new drawers cause Im going to asleepover function
Melody: Okay, we’ve got some pretty panties
Damien: Okay, Ill be back in a minute, Im gonna goto the apple store
Aunt: Ah uh. Damien, we got apples at home. You juststay here in case someone tries to snatch me.
Melody: Uh, what kind of style do you like? We haveFrench cut panties, bikini cut panties
Aunt: I wanna make something clear from the get go. Iam only interested in purchasing undergarments thatcover up my business.
Melody: These are from are very sexy collection.they’re really great because theyre very comfy andvery sexy too
Aunt: Young woman, I’ve got but one question. Do thesedrawers cover up your business?
Melody: Well, it depends on what you mean by business
Aunt: My parky butt. My nana. My nick nak. My mooseygoosey.
Damien: Alright
Aunt: My hotdog warmer. My nook and cranny. My sugarbowl. My peppermint patty
Melody: I think I get it. You don’t want a thong
Aunt: Is that the kind that go under your jungle bookand up out through your biscuits
Melody: Yeah
Aunt: No thank you
Phil: Hi maam. Can I help you with anything?
Damien: Just help her find some granny panties please.I mean her size is big and square
Phil: Uh actually ma’am, you can actually find whatyour looking for at Sears intimate apparel orMontgomery Ward
Aunt: What hot shot? You don’t think I’m woman enoughto shop up in here? Let me ask you a question, haveyou ever seen a real woman? (Turns her back to theaudience and opens her coat) Check that out, you everseen something like these! What about these! And takea look at that thing, that thing will blow your mind!
Phil: Uh Melody, if you wouldn’t mind take care ofthese nice people please? I’m gonna take a Pepcid ACand try to forget what just happened
Melody: Okay. Uh, well these are some French cutpanties. There really cute holding up undies with acherry pattern.
Aunt: Damien baby, help me try these on
Damien: The lady will help you. The dressing room isright over there
Aunt: Nu uh, I’m gonna try them on right here in frontof God and everybody. I don’t have any secrets.Victoria does
[Damien gets down and helps her try on the panties.]
Aunt: Lets go baby, one leg at a time. There you go,and the other one. Open up them golden gates. Pull herup. There we go. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Andbinga. Okay, this is cool. Now these here cover up mywoodchuck.
Melody: Great, can I ring those up for you?
Aunt: Na baby, I’m ah keep them on. You can just aimthat scan gun thing up underneath my housecoat. Butbaby, shoot that laser beam away from my business. Idon’t want it to get all fried up.
*BEEP*
Aunt: There you go
Melody: Uhh, that will be $14 dollars and .94 cents
Aunt: What? For just one pair of old drawers? Oh no,you can keep these! (Starts to take them off butDamien stops her)
Damien: Ahh, I’ll pay for it, it’s alright
Aunt: Oh, my sweet nephew’s gonna pay for my drawers.Somebody gonna get a pretzel today! Come on baby,let’s go. Thank you! [They exit]
[Phil enters]
Phil: Wow Melody, big ups on handling that costumer.You know, youre a real classy lady!
Melody: Phil, don’t try to get up in (as the old lady)my moosey goosey
Announcer: This week, on MTV Future, check in with the seven roommates on “Real World: Uranus.” [dissolve to photo of seven roommates, including two robots and a green-skinned woman] Will Angie finally hook up with XRP89? Not if Brad dismantles him for parts first. Then, at the 10-Spot, a special encore presentation of the 2054 MTV Video Music Awards [dissolve to VMA logo] with your hosts Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen [dissolve to photo of elderly twin women], and special musical guest Blanket Jackson [dissolve to photo of a man dressed like Michael Jackson, with one glove and a blanket-like veil over his face]. Then join MTV Future for an all new season of our longest-running reality show, “Newlyweds.” [dissolve to black and white footage of an elderly Nick and Jessica dancing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”] After fifty years of marriage, our kooky couple is still going strong.
[dissolve to futuristic living room, with Nick and Jessica wearing silver clothing and the Earth visible through space outside their window]
Jessica: Nick. Nick! We’re out of Metamucil.
Nick: I’ll get some later.
Jessica: But, Nick, I need it. I haven’t dropped the kids off at the pool in three days.
Nick: Do you have to say that every single time you have to go to the bathroom? It’s been fifty years, honey. Get a new line!
Jessica: [clutches her stomach] Oooooh.
Announcer: Watch as they bravely face the challenges of growing old together.
[dissolve to kitchen]
Nick: [talking on the phone] Yes, I understand. Okay. [hangs up phone]
Jessica: What did the doctor say, honey?
Nick: Well, it’s like we thought. I have to have my eyeballs replaced.
Jessica: Oh, no!
Nick: Yes, after fifty years of constantly rolling them at you, they finally just wore out.
Jessica: That’s no fair. I want new eyeballs, too.
[Nick rolls his eyes and suddenly gasps in pain]
[dissolve to black and white footage of Nick and Jessica kissing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”]
Announcer: “The Newlyweds Golden Anniversary Season” premiere. A night not to be missed.
[dissolve to living room with Nick and Jessica eating tuna from bowls]
Jessica: Listen, I know I’ve asked you this about a million times. But this “Chicken of the Sea,” is it chicken or tuna?
Nick: Neither one. Both chicken and tuna are extinct.
Jessica: So, you don’t mean…?
Nick: Yes. Chicken of the Sea is people. It’s people!
Jessica: Oh. I wonder why it makes me toot. [Nick chokes]
Announcer…..Chris Parnell …..Jessica Simpson Porky…..Will Forte
[ open on footage of Jessica Simpson concert ending ]
[ dissolve to Jessica running backstage ]
Announcer: Hey, Jessica – great concert!
Jessica Simpson: [ toweling off ] Thanks!
Announcer: Looks like you worked up quite an appeite out there!
Jessica Simpson: Did.. I.. ever! That’s why, after every show, I reach for a can of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna! [ holds up can ] Everyone knows that Chicken of the Sea is tuna, but what you might not know is that tuna is fish, not chicken. So, look for the can with the mermaid on the label! Chicken of the Sea brand tuna – America’s #1 non-chicken brand fish!
Announcer: But.. what if you wanted tuna that is chicken?
Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] Huh..?
Announcer: If you like Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, then you’ll love new Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken!
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: [ examining the can ] Tuna of the.. Dirt..?
Announcer: Yep! Tuna of the Dirt is 100% top-grade tuna-free canned chicken!
Jessica Simpson: Hmm.. so, wait.. is it tuna or not?
Announcer: Oh, it’s tuna alright – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken! So, when you’re sure you don’t want fish, grab the only chicken good enough to be called tuna – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. Look for the chicken with the cowboy on the label!
Jessica Simpson: Wait! I’m confused! Why is a.. a cowboy on this chicken can holding a fish pole?
Announcer: Well, because he’s fishing around for quality chicken! Tuna of the Dirt – the chicken with the fishing cowboy on the label. In the tuna section of your supermarket!
Jessica Simpson: This is so confusing! I think I’m just going to eat a piece of fruit.
Announcer: Then, you’re in luck! Becuase if you’re looking for fruit that’s every bit as good as our chicken and tuna, then you’ll want Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: Wait.. stop. Turkey of the Jungle?
Announcer: That’s right. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas. From the makers of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, and Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. If fish grew on treees, they’d be Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
Jessica Simpson: Thid is ha-ard!
Announcer: Nothing hard about it. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas can be found in the chicken aisle, right next to Pork of the Orchard brand apples.
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Announcer: Pork of the Orchard brand apples. Look for the apples with the picture of a turkey on the can!
Jessica Simpson: [ greatly confused ] Uh.. uh.. so, if the apples.. have a turkey on the can.. then.. what does.. what does the can have with the bananas?
Announcer: Why, that would be the Turkey of the Jungle mascot – Porky, the Scubadiving Chicken! And Porky says:
[ Porky, a scubadiving chicken mascot, waddles up to Jessica ]Porky: [ singing ] “If you want fruit, not fish nor fowl Turkey of the Jungle makes this chicken howl!” Owwwwwww! This turkey is good bananas!
[ Porky waddles off ]
Jessica Simpson: Please stop.. my head hurts..
Announcer: Ohhhh.. then, you need Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet – the turkey-flavored aspirin that comes in a tuna can.
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: No!
Announcer: Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet brand turkey-flavored aspirin. Look for the tuna can with the chicken can on the label!
[ Jessica appears exasperated, as the camera pans over to a table full of DynaCorp products ]
[ dissolve to phony product labels ]
Announcer: DynaCorp. Bringing you everything from Chicken of Sea brand tuna, to Shoepolish of the Outhouse brand typing paper. DynaCorp. The Kangaroo Rat of the Billiard Room.
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards Campaign Advisor…..Chris Parnell
[ open on exterior, Dean Campaign Headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa ]
[ dissolve to interior, Howard Dean’s office ]
Howard Dean: [ on telephone ] Hello, Dale – Howard Dean here. how are things in Marion County? Great! Well, you probably know why I’m calling you. Coming down to the wire here, and I just want to let you and every other Democratic county chairman know how much your support swould mean to me at the caucuses on Monday. I hope we can count on you. [ a beat ] Well, in that case, you can go f(beep) off!
[ hangs up, dials another number ]
Hello, Paul! Howard Dean here, how are you? Great! Look, I’ll get right to the point – Blackhawk County is very important to us, and, uh.. as Democratic county chairman, your backing would be a huge help. Can we count on you? [ a beat ] Alright. I understand. But, uh, can I make one request? Since you’re obviously so hot for John Kerry, why don’t you just go (beep) him? And, if you still have enough energy, you can go f(beep) yourself?!
[ hangs up the phone and checks his list, as a knock is heard at the door ]
Come in!
[ Campaign Advisor enters ]
Campaign Advisor: How’s it going, Governor?
Howard Dean: Ah, pretty good, I think. We’re not getting everybody, but we’re doing alright.
Campaign Advisor: Alright. Well, I know it’s a pain making these calls, but uh.. I can’t tell you how important it is to form personal relationships with these county chairmen. Even if they’re not with us now, we’ll need them in November.
Howard Dean: Ah. Believe me, I’m stroking’ ’em!
Campaign Advisor: Okay. Uh.. well, do you feel like taking a break? Because we can do that interview with the Sioux City Journal.
Howard Dean: Actually, I’d better finish calling the rest of these county chairmen first. Otherwise, I.. I might offend some of them!
Campaign Advisor: [ chuckles ] Okay, I hear you! Well, uh.. go back to this, and.. just let me know when you want that interview.
Howard Dean: Okay.
[ Campaign Advisor exits ]
Howard Dean: [ dials phone ] Hello, Andy! Howard Dean here! How we doing in Polk County? You still with us? Great! Really appreciate that. Iowa’s going to be crucial for us in November, and I need to know it’s in the bag. I don’t want to campaign here any more than I absolutely have to. [ a beat ] What? Because it’s a really boring place. You know that – you live here. No, trust me, it’s boring – nothing but corn and fat people. [ a beat ] Well, no offense, but your own family, for example. Well, anyway.. I’m afraid I’ve gotta run. But thanks for your support, okay? [ hangs up ]
[ Campaign Advisor re-enters ]
Campaign Advisor: Uh.. excuse me, Governor.
Howard Dean: Hey, I just had a great talk with Andy Schaeffer from, uh.. Polk County.
Campaign Advisor: Uh, th-that’s good.. ’cause, I just got off the phone with Dale Switzer – you know, the county chair in Fort Dodge?
Howard Dean: Yeah.
Campaign Advisor: Uh.. according to Dale, you threatened his life.
Howard Dean: Not “threatened his life.” I simply said I’d “put a bullet through his head.”
Campaign Advisor: Okay. do you really think that was the best thing to say, Sir?
Howard Dean: It was an honest reaction to hearing that he wants to stay neutral. He could respect that.
Campaign Advisor: And, in his place, you wouldn’t be offended?
Howard Dean: Not at all! On the contrary. My response would be: “You know something? This Howard Dean is a different kind of politician. I like his straight talk! The fact that he’s not afraid to tell people things they don’t want to hear. I think we need more of that in Washington!”
Campaign Advisor: Okay.. Have you taken any of the medication that we got for you?
Howard Dean: No, I flushed it down the toilet!
Campaign Advisor: Well, I appreciate your honesty —
Howard Dean: Thank you.
Campaign Advisor: But, with due respect, Governor – and, speaking not just as your advisor, but as someone who passionately believes in what you’re trying to accomplish – I-I really feel that, in your dealings with people, in addition to the honesty, uh.. y-you need to use just a little more tact.
[open on interior of restaurant with neon cactus on wall]
[Denise and David are seated at a table reading menus while Ted, a waiter, stands between them]
Denise: Um, I’ll have the chicken enchiladas.
David: And I’ll have the tacos gigantes. [mispronounced as “ji-gantays”]
[Denise and David fold their menus and give them to Ted]
Ted: [finishes writing down orders] Super! I’ll have your drinks out in just a minute, and if you need anything else, my name is Ted.
David: [to Ted] Thank you, Ted. [Ted exits stage right] [to Denise] Denise, let me just start by saying how very, very sorry I am.
Denise: Well, you should be sorry. You betrayed my trust, and right now I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to get over it.
David: It was meaningless to me. She means nothing to me.
Denise: Well she means a lot to me. She’s my sister.
[Ted enters with drinks on a small tray]
[music starts]
Ted: [singing to the tune of “Escape”] If you like piña coladas [gives one to Denise] / And a Michelob Light [gives one to David] / And if you’re not into yoga / If you have half a brain / I’ll be right back with your entree / And then we’ll make our escape! [flourishes with empty tray and exits stage right] [music ends]
[David bops along merrily for the duration of the song]
Denise: What was that?
David: I think it was “The Piña Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes. Anyway, I’m sorry. It’s just, you were in the hospital taking care of your mother, and your sister looks so much like you. But I promise you, I will never, ever, sleep with someone in your family while you are visiting your mother in the hospital, ever again.
Denise: That is not a good apology, David!
David: Well. [shrugs and rolls eyes]
[Celia enters with two plates]
[music starts]
Celia: [singing to the tune of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”] Here’s your dinner / But don’t touch the plates ‘cos they’re hot / Here’s your chicken enchiladas [gives them to Denise] / And your tacos gigantes [gives them to David] / If you’ll only hold me tight / We’ll be holding on forever / I hope I got your orders right / Because we’ll never be wrong together. [flourishes with potholders and exits stage right] [music ends
Denise: What is going on here? Did you pick a restaurant with singing waiters to discuss our marriage?
David: You love Mexican food! Plus they had these two-for-one coupons. [holds up a coupon]
Denise: Oh, David, you haven’t changed.
[Ted and Celia enter]
[music plays]
Ted and Celia: [singing to the tune of “Reunited”] How’s you dinner? Does it taste so good? / [Celia only, gesturing towards David] You love tacos, that is understood. / [Ted only, gesturing towards Denise] There’s one perfect fit / [Celia only, gesturing towards Denise] And sugar, this one is it. / [they turn to each other and clasp hands and sing together] We both are so excited ‘cos we’re reunited, hey-ay-hey-ay-ay-ay.
Denise: Enough, already, thank you. Um, look, look, I don’t want to hear music, okay? My husband and I are trying to reconcile, and I’m just not in the mood for you food songs.
[manager enters]
[music starts]
Manager: [singing to the tune of “She Blinded Me With Science”] Do you have a problem? / I’m the shift manager. / She blinded me with science. / Boop boop boop / She blinded me…with science! [music ends]
Denise: Stop it! Stop it, okay? Look, I am not in the mood for music. You sound great, thank you, but this is not the right time.
Manager: [shouting] SCIENCE!
Denise: You idiot! Stop yelling, “science!”
Manager: Ma’am, I’m sorry if you’re not happy with your experience here. But you came to El Cantador. We serve two things: delicious Mexican cuisine, and the wonderful gift of music.
David: Honey, Señor Iglesias is right. You can’t really complain about singing when you go to a restaurant with singing waiters.
Denise: Shut up, David.
David: Okay, fine.
Ted: Listen, ma’am, I’m sorry if you don’t like our singing. But we have a dream.
Celia: That’s right. We may be serving tacos gigantes or chimichangas, but soon we will be singing on Broadway.
Manager: That’s right. You see, Ted and Celia here are two of my star students.
Denise: Students?
David: Oh.
Manager: Yeah. This isn’t only Omaha’s oldest Mexican restaurant. It’s also a school for the performing arts. Students pay for classes with me by waiting tables and helping me build condos on weekends. I love being surrounded by dreamers.
Denise: Oh, look, I’m sorry. I was just upset because I was having problems with my husband.
Celia: Well, maybe music can help.
[music starts]
[the rest of the dialogue is sung to the tune of “We are the World”]
Ted and Celia: There comes a time / When you need to sing a song
Manager: And a mexican restaurant is the perfect place to start.
Celia: There are people eating…
Ted: …huevos rancheros
[David extends his hand and Denise clasps it]
Celia: And some mothers eating burritos.
[Ted, Celia, and the manager hold their hands to their ears as if holding headphones]
Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving
Denise: I forgive my husband / for sleeping with my sister.
David: That’s good, because I slept with your best friend, too.
[Denise snatches her hand away from David and storms out of the restaurant]
Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / [David shrugs and joins in] We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving.
[dissolve to exterior: adobe facade with lettering that reads, “El Cantador Mexican Restaurant and School of the Performing Arts]
Paris Hilton…..Jessica Simpson Nicole Ritchie…..Rachel Dratch
[open on American Beef Council logo]
Announcer: And now, a special message from Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.
[dissolve to Paris and Nicole in front of a barn]
Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton.
Nicole: And I’m Nicole Ritchie.
Both: And we’re here to talk to you about mad cow disease.
Paris: And I’m Paris Hilton.
Nicole: Bovine spongiform en-something something-pathy, oh, whatever. Mad cow disease has only affected one cow in the whole United States. Everyone’s freaking out, thinking they can’t eat beef anymore, but you totally can. Look at the facts. One, mad cow disease mostly affects cows.
Paris: That’s why it’s called mad cow disease and not human cow disease. Duh. Two, mad cow disease is only transmitted through the spine and brains, and not through sex like we first thought.
Nicole: Cows get me hot. I wanna see two cows make out!
Paris: And, three, this is boring. I want to go to a party.
Nicole: I know, honey. We’re almost done. Just think about outfits. So, don’t be scared to eat beef, America. I’m not. I’ll put anything in my mouth. Seriously, show me whatever you’ve got, and I’ll put it in my mouth. And I’ll keep it there, and you’ll like it.
Paris: Eating American beef is completely safe. Trust us. We worked on a mad cow farm place for ten days.
Nicole: Yeah! I mean, I had my hand in a cow’s ass! If there was mad cow disease around, I would definitely have it. By the way, I’m not wearing underwear.
Paris: What’s underwear?
[dissolve to picture of Paris and Nicole lewdly tongueing a long, cylindrical piece of meat in a bun]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
January 17th, 2004 Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey G-Unit Joe Howard Dean HeadquartersSummary: Howard Dean (Jeff Richards) calls the Iowa county chairman looking for support. Recurring Characters: Howard Dean. Note: Jeff Richards ignored direction for this sketch (indicative of the technical gaffes), which gave one more reason for the producers to fire him after this episode. Note: Chris Parnell contributed $500.00 to Howard Dean’s campaign, much like his character does in thisa sketch. Transcript
Montage
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey’s MonologueSummary: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey pay tribute to the variety shows of the 70’s. Bio: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (1980-) and former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey (1973-) married in 2002 and debuted their reality show, “Newlyweds” on M-TV one year later. Recurring Characters: Tina Turner Note: Nick had to share Jessica’s microphone when his failed to work.
Tylenol ExtremeSummary: The extreme medicine used to stop extreme crotch pain caused by extreme sporting events.
Z-105 Morning CrewSummary: Jessica Simpson is too dumb to realize Joey Mac’s (Jimmy Fallon) is doing a phoney Nick Lachey voice in front of the couple. Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.
El Cantador Mexican RestaurantSummary: El Cantador’s wait staff (Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson) sing for a troubled couple (Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers). Transcript
American IdolSummary: Famous singers are criticized by Simon Cowell (Chris Parnell). Recurring Characters: Simon Cowell, Britney Spears, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez.
M-TV FutureSummary: “Newlyweds” Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s Golden Anniversary season is previewed. Transcript
American Beef CouncilSummary: Paris Hilton (Jessica Simpson) and Nicole Richie (Rachel Dratch) speak out for Mad Cow Disease. Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie. Transcript
G-Unit performs “Stunt 101”Bio: G-Unit (short for Gorilla Unit, as it appears on clothing) is a rap group started by 50 Cent with members Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo and Young Buck.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Amidst his child molestation trial, a cheery Michael Jackson visits the news desk. Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) comments on his new show “The Apprenctice.” Jimmy Fallon fails to catch various guitars thrown at him. Tina Fey displays recent celebrity political endorsements. Patrick (Fred Armisen) and Gunther Kelly (Will Forte) sing the appeals court song. Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Donald Trump, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly. Transcript
The Sharon Osborne ShowSummary: Sharon Osborne (Amy Poehler) interviews celebrity couple Dave Navarro (Nick Lachey) and Carmen Electra (Jessica Simpson). Recurring Characters: Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osborne.
Victoria’s SecretsSummary: Crotchety old lady (Maya Rudolph) shops for a new pair of panties with her grandson (Kenan Thompson). Transcript
Northern California Nutgrowers AssociationSummary: Bubba Sparxxx (Horatio Sanz) sings dirty ditties for a new commercial jingle. Note: Cut from last week’s dress rehearsal; Jessica Simpson’s role was played by Jennifer Aniston.
G-Unit and Joe perform “Wanna Get To Know You”
DynaCorpSummary: Jessica Simpson is baffled once more by polar-opposite canned food items. Transcript
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Steve Irwin…..Jeff Richards O.J. Simpson…..Finesse Mitchell Phil Spector…..Fred Armisen Robert Blake…..Darrell Hammond …..Al Franken
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
This week secretary of state Colin Powell admitted that there is no direct link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Kyda. So let that be a warning world leaders, if you have no direct link to Al-Kyda we will get you.
This week Steve Irwin drew criticism when he held his month old son in his arm while hand feeding a chicken to a crocodile. Not to be outdone, Michael Jackson tossed Blanket into a shark tank.
On Friday president Bush announced details of his plan to send a man to the moon. Bush told reporters that to guarantee success of the mission we will only send the astronauts up there when its a full moon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thats pretty good guarantee success.
Last week Britney Spears married Jason Alexander. In a related story, Christina Aguilera 69ed Newman.
Insiders say that Spears weekend marriage to her friend was the result of a prank that went too far. But honestly, what marriage isnt?
Madonna has announced that she is backing democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark the much needed boost in the Porte Rican Backup Dancer vote.
Former Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey endorsed Howard Dean for president this week. Bradley said he is endorsing Dean because they share many of the same qualities, for example: neck fat.
Tina Fey: As we mentioned before, Steve Irwin
Jimmy Fallon: The crocodile hunter?
Tina Fey: Yes, the crocodile hunter made headlines when he fed a chicken to a crocodile when holding his one month old baby. Here to defend his behavior is Steve Irwin
Jimmy Fallon: The crocodile hunter?
Tina Fey: Yes.
Steve Irwin: (holding a chicken in a diaper) Gday Tina. Well frankly, I dont know what all the fuss is about. I know what Im doing; I know how to feed crocs, and I know how to take care of my baby. In fact, I fed a chicken to a croc while holding my baby not 5 minutes ago. (Long pause from Jimmy and Tina) 5 minutes ago!!
Jimmy Fallon: Does that chicken have a diaper on it?
Steve Irwin: What chick (He looks at the chicken and gasps) OH CRICKEY! Hang on junior, fight him off! Im coming! (He runs away)
Tina Fey: Oh the crocodile hunter everybody
Jimmy Fallon: Steve Irwin?
Tina Fey: Steve Irwin! The crocodile hunter!
Jimmy Fallon: Wow
Portland Brewing Company has released a new beer called “Governator” which they say is a tribute to California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in now way qualified to be in a beer.
A Florida man announced plans to open the worlds first Christian nudist colony. The motto will be Jesus look at those jugs
Lawyers for David Gest charged that Liza Minnelli has a medical condition that she hid from her former husband. David the vagina is not a condition.
Jimmy Fallon: Tina are you sure?
Tina Fey: Its not its not a condition.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow, ladies and gentleman we have a very special tonight on Update. Were not sure why hes here but we felt we couldnt say no. Ladies and gentleman please, O.J Simpson!
O.J Simpson: Hey, hey! Hey everybody its me, the juice! Haha hey, thanks for inviting me.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah, no problem.
O.J Simpson: Now earlier this week Pete Rose admitted for the first time that he bet on the game of baseball so that he could become a member in the Baseball Hall Of Fame. Ive always wanted to become a member of the Football Hall Of Fame so I decided to come clean about something from my past that I have been lying about for a very long time.
Jimmy Fallon: Now wait, O.J this is a big deal are you sure you want to do this?
O.J Simpson: Oh absolutely Jimmy. Anyway, on June 12th 1994, I was feeling very upset about my wife, so I got into my Bronco, put on my glove, I drove across town, and with the rage surging inside of me
Jimmy Fallon: Now hang on, O.J before you do this, you know that youre already in the Football Hall Of Fame right? You were inducted in 1985.
O.J Simpson: (thinks for a second) Oh yeah, your right!! I am in the Football Hall Of Fame. Fantastic, okay. Umm yeah, forget it.
(Phil Spector approaches next to O.J Simpson)
Jimmy Fallon: Oh my god, Phil Spector, whats going on?
Phil Spector: I got a question, hold on for a second. I was just wondering, uh am I in the Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame already?
Jimmy Fallon: Are you kidding? Of course you are, you’re definitely in it. You’re one of the best.
Phil Spector: Oh, great. Thanks just wanted to know.
(Robert Blake with a bird on his shoulder appears and stands next to Jimmy)
Robert Blake: Hey wait a minute can I ask a question?
Jimmy Fallon: Robert Blake, what are you uh, this is insane they showed up this evening nice parrot.
Robert Blake: Thanks a lot. Hey wait a minute; does anyone here know if they have a Hall of Fame for actors?
Jimmy Fallon: No, they dont.
Robert Blake: Terrific, then thats the name of that tune.
Jimmy Fallon: Alright take it easy, thank you very much. 3 alleged murderers everybody!! 3 alleged murderers
Actress Kate Hudson gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles on Wednesday finally bringing and end to her 29 month pregnancy.
Tina Fey: It just seemed like its been a long time, thats all Im saying.
A 7 year old boy in Cheboygan, Wisconsin had to be rescued by a locksmith this past weekend after getting stuck of a supermarket toy machine. And so begins Michael Jacksons most recent letter to Penthouse.
The New York City animal control department is giving the Mercian Milan Bit Pit-bull a public relations make over by naming them New Yorkies. So remember, its a New Yorkie, not a pit-bull thats eating your childs face.
Tina Fey: Well to support our troops Weekend Update has sent our one man mobile uplink unit Al Franken to Iraq. Its just after 8am now in Baghdad, and Al is there right now with two of our brave servicemen. Can you hear me Al?
Al Franken: Yes Tina, Im here in Baghdad, as you can see were at the airport base and look around a little bit there, its day light here with an 8 hour time difference. As always Im here with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna beaming the signal a satellite with geosynchronous orbit 23,000 miles about Easter Island and then on to you at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Now, with me are 2 troops, 2 soldiers who have been here an awful long time. To my right is (footage blurs our briefly) Tammy Gonzales. His wife gave birth 3 days ago. Its a beautiful baby girl who he hasnt had a chance to talk to, and hed like to do it right here on national television. (The footage blurs out briefly again)
Military guy 1: Hey baby (The footage cuts out nearly fully, and the screen cant be seen or heard)
Tina Fey: Al, Al? We lost the feed there Al. We cant hear the (The picture comes back)
Al Franken: I dont know about you Tina but that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard
Tina Fey: We didnt hear it!! Al!!
Al Franken: (continuing anyway) And here to my left is what?
Tina Fey: We couldnt hear Corporal Gonzales. We didnt hear it.
Al Franken: (to military guy 1) They didnt hear you. (to the camera) Basically what Corporal Gonzales said was that he loves his wife name I cant remember. And that, uh his heart is full or something of that nature. And to my left is Private Chris, and I wont move this time. And this Private Chris Sanders, his wife also just gave birth to a baby boy.
Military Guy 2: (shocked) What? Thats impossible, Ive been out here for a year.
Tina Fey: Oh boy.
Al Franken: Oh yeah, well anyway, she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, 8lbs 3oz black baby boy.
Military guy 2: What? That bitch!
Al Franken: The same is to Sean
Military guy 2: Im gonna kill her
Al Franken: Congratulations.
Military guy 2: I cant believe this, what a whore.
Tina Fey: Al! Ask him his wifes name we might have the wrong guy.
Al Franken: Hey, is your wifes name Leticia?
Military guy 2: No, its Abby. Im gonna kill her.
Al Franken: Oh well, this is Al Franken in Baghdad, doing my best to boost moral.
Military guy 2: Oh, I knew it that bitch!
Al Franken: Of our young men and women here in fighting in harms way. Back to you Tina. DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW PRIVATE SANDERS? A BLACK PRIVATE SANDERS! HIS WIFE HAD A BABY!
Military guy 2: Oh, what a whore.
Tina Fey: Al Franken! Our one man mobile uplink unit via satellite from Baghdad.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy Fallon throws the pencil and the camera fades out)
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon
Announcer: And now, a special message from the star on NBC’s new hit show “The Apprentice” – Donald Trump.
[ dissolve to Donald Trump at desk ]
Donald Trump: Good evening. I’m Donald Trup. If course, most of you know who I am already – because I’m rich.. and I’m handsome. If you’re a man.. you want my life. If you’re a woman.. well.. I’ve got what you want, okay? [ grins ]
I’d like to talk about my new show on NBC – “The Apprentice”. Like everything I do, it’s going to be big, and bold. and sexy, and full of class. Okay? Over the next thirteen weeks, I’ll be looking for someone with an appreciation for the classier things in life – like solid gold telescopes and 40-foot TVs. Okay?
My men contestants: I’m going to be looking for someone handsome – like myself – a real businessman, someone not afraid to kick the other guy in the balls. And the women – I’m not going to lie to you, okay – I’m going to look for long legs, and big knockers. The one that wins will get a job with a huge salary, and a very rare chance to look into my somewhat glamorous lifestyle, with my marble and gold apartment designed after some of the great houses of Iraq. They’ll see my many classy resorts and casinos. This is a true story: I just learned yesterday that my own Taj Mahal in Atlantic City wasn’t the first Taj Mahal – but I guarantee you, it’s the best! Alright? For instance, all this week, you can catch the incomparable Dion & The Belmonts, along with Sha Na Na in the Xanadu Showroom. But.. where was I? Oh, yes. [ snaps finger ] My show. “The Apprentice”.
Of course.. “The Apprentice” is just the beginning. Let’s just face it – NBC is in the crapper. Alright? “Friends” is going soon.. “Seinfeld” is gone.. this is a real devalued property, and I know a thing or two about property. What NBC needs is class. And, let’s face it, nobody alive has more class than me. Alright? When I fixed the Miss Universe Pageant, I said smaller bikinis and higher heels.. well, the same goes for “ER”, alright? For my money, nothing classes up and ER room like a huge, jiggly pair of boobs! And, alright – “Will & Grace”? We need to put a man on that show. Okay? We need to put a man on there, ’cause here you have Megan Mullally, alright, standing there, and I mean, Good God! Somebody’s gotta hit that thing! I think that would be terrific. And what about “Fear Factor”? “Fear Factor”? [ a beat ] I wouldn’t touch it. It’s the classiest show on. I swear to God, it is! But I would not hesitate, however, to yank Brokaw. Alright? In fact, how does “NBC Nightly News with Donald Trump” sound? Good, right? I can be terrific —
[ Jeff Zucker interrupts ]
Jeff Zucker: Whoa, hold up there, Donald.. hold up there, Donald..
Donald Trump: Who is this?
Jeff Zucker: Hi! I’m the President of NBC Entertainment – Jeff Zucker. [ begins wildly motioning his hands and arms ] I just want to say how excited we are at NBC to have Donald Trump as part of our new mid-season line-up! We expect big things from “The Apprentice”, but, of course, this isn’t the Donald Trump Network. [ receving no laughter, pulls a miniature remote from his pocket and presses a button to release canned laughs ] How about we vut this short, and we can return to the regular programming?
Donald Trump: Have you ever been kicked in the balls?
Jeff Zucker: NBC is proud to bring an extinguished and classy gentleman like Donald Trump to the network. So, without further ado, I would just say —
Donald Trump: Oh no, no, no! Don’t you dare! No one is gonna stop Donald Trump from saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”.
Air Date:
