Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Celebrity Poker Showdown

Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Pollack…..Jimmy Fallon
Phil Gordon/Bravo Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Tammy Faye Messner…..Megan Mullally

[fade in on Bravo station identification screen with big band music playing]

Bravo Announcer: You’re watching Bravo—The Gay Stuff and Poker Network.

[dissolve to last part of animated opening sequence from “Celebrity Poker Showdown”]

[dissolve again to Kevin Pollack and Phil Gordon at the commentary desk]

Kevin Pollack: Welcome back to Celebrity Poker Showdown. I’m your host, the Man of 1000 Voices, Kevin Pollack. With me is poker professional, Phil Gordon [Gordon waves to the camera]. Phil, we’ve got a real barn burner here today—or as William Shatner would say…[in Shatner-esque cadence]: Spock…Bones…We got a real—barn burner—here today. [in normal voice]: That’s Captain Kirk.

Phil Gordon: [half-heartedly] That’s great, Kevin.

Kevin Pollack: [not reading into the weak compliment] Yes, it is great.

Phil Gordon: All right, let’s look at the current chip count. Carrot Top is in first place [an animated poker chip rolls across the screen, cutting to the stage where the four players and the dealer are seated] with $300,000.

[cut to Carrot Top]

Carrot Top: Hey, check it out, I have two “pair” [holds up two pears] or maybe I have a “flush” [holds up a miniature toilet and laughs annoyingly]

[cut to Geraldo Rivera]

Phil Gordon V/O: Geraldo Rivera is in second place with $260,000.

Geraldo Rivera: [while speaking into his Fox News microphone] I’m here at the Minion’s Horseshoe Casino with these dastardly daredevils known as professional poker players, but for all the danger and dastardliness that surrounds me, I might as well be taking mortifier in Mogadeeshenu as I so often have.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit in third place with $150,000

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: I have a real “chip” on my shoulder [holds up a poker chip] about this card game. And you can tell your “ante” I’d like to “poker”.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: And finally, Tammy Faye Messner, formerly Tammy Faye Bakker, from TV’s “The Surreal Life” has $120,000.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: That’s okay. After all, you can’t buy your way into Heaven [laughs heartily, then starts sobbing]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, you—you have to admit; Tammy Faye has been playing well, despite repeating sobbing fits.

[cut back to Tammy Faye, sobbing harder than before with black mascara running down her face]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, my money’s on Gene Shalit. He’s been playing great, except for the hands that he missed when he went out for Blimpie’s. He’s got to be the favorite.

Kevin Pollack: [in Colombo voice] “Uh, pardon me, ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you. Just one more time, I agree with you” [in normal voice]: That’s Peter Falk as Colombo.

Phil Gordon: [slightly annoyed] That’s—That’s really great.

Kevin Pollack: It is. It was.

Phil Gordon: [sighs, changes the subject] Let’s head back to the table. [cut back to stage where the four players and the dealer are seated]: The great thing is, thanks to our lipstick cameras, we can see what cards the players have. Okay [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Geraldo’s hand] Geraldo Rivera has [hand picks up cards, revealing an eight of diamonds and a ten of clubs] an eight and a ten.

[cut to Geraldo, speaking into his Fox News microphone]

Geraldo Rivera: Once again, my portentious plans for victory have been thwarted by the igdaminious ten to eight of suit. I have no other recourse but to boldly bluff. I bet $2000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, this brings up a good point: if you’re going to try to bluff, try not to announce it into your hand mike. [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Tammy Faye’s hands, which now inexplicably have fake red fingernails on them]: Tammy Faye Messner has [hand picks up a pair of sixes—one the six of diamonds, the other, the six of spades—caked in foundation and blush]: And though they seem to be covered in make-up, it makes a good hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner, her cheeks streaked with runny mascara, but now with a smile on her face]

Tammy Faye Messner: Well, as the Lord sayeth unto us, “We must always bet hard pre-flop with a low-pocket pair.” I’m in for twenty grand.

Phil Gordon V/O: Tammy Faye is in for $20,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Christopher Walken] You—you—you know, if Christopher Walken were here…he’d surely be wowed. [in normal voice to Phil Gordon, who is not impressed by the impersonation]: That’s Christopher—Christopher Walken.

Phil Gordon: [has had enough of Pollack’s voices]: Yeah. I’d like you to stop that.

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Johnny Carson] And I will definitely stop that. [in normal voice]: That’s Johnny Carson.

Phil Gordon: How did you even get this job?

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, Nancy, Ronald Reagan wasn’t available. [in normal voice]: That was Ronald Reagan.

Phil Gordon: Maybe you should stop doing impressions.

Kevin Pollack: [in a Liverpool accent à la one of the Beatles] Maybe I shouldn’t have landed in New York forty years ago and played “The Ed Sullivan Show” [mimicks playing a guitar; again speaks in normal voice]: It’s—it’s one of the Beatles. George, Ringo? [Gordon glares at Pollack]: Any one of the Beatles?

[Gordon gives up on trying to talk Pollack out of doing his impressions and gets back to the poker game]

Phil Gordon V/O: Carrot Top [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Carrot Top’s hand] is holding [hand picks up a photo of Richard Simmons and a photo of Ian McKellen] pictures of Richard Simmons and Ian McKellen?!

[Carrot Top holds the photos up between his face]

Carrot Top: Look everybody, I have two “queens” [laughs annoyingly]

[cut to lipstick cam view of Gene Shalit’s cards, which are obstructed by a plate of devilled eggs with olives on them]

Phil Gordon V/O: And finally, Gene Shalit has a pile of devilled eggs hidden under his cards [Shalit removes one of the devilled eggs to reveal the card—a deuce of spades and a seven of diamonds]

[cut to Gene Shalit, eating one of the devilled eggs]

Gene Shalit: I’m “eggs-tatic” about these “egg-cellent” cards…and that’s no “yolk”!

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit’s hand is a two-seven off-suit. [Pollack mumbles something under his breath]: Now this is one of the worst starting hands you can have in poker [Pollack shakes his head “No”; cut back to Gene Shalit contemplating on whether or not to fold], so he’ll fold.

[Shalit is still contemplating over whether or not to fold until he looks at his cards again and slams them down]

Gene Shalit: [pushes poker chips into the center] I’m in for $100,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: [taken aback over turn of events] Boy, that’s…terrible. Uh, well, it’s going to be Tammy Faye, Geraldo, or Gene Shalit. And it’s time to see the flop.

Kevin Pollack: You know, if Howard Cosell were here…

Phil Gordon: [brusquely interrupts Pollack] Well, he’s not! He’s not! And the flop comes [cut to lipstick-cam shot of the dealer laying down a king of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a six of clubs with the accompanying super: “The Flop” underneath the shot]: king, king, six. Oh, good news for Tammy Faye, who has three sixes and two kings, that’s a full house.

Tammy Faye Messner: [dramatically] It is a sign! 666 is the mark of Satan! [calmly]: But I ain’t throwin’ away a full boat. I’m all in. [pushes her poker chips in the center of the table]

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: [addressing the camera] As the man in the Chinese laundry said, “Choing, choing, choing. I fold!”

[studio audience groans at the semi-racist joke; cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: That was, uh, borderline offensive, uh, but Gene Shalit has folded.

[cut to Geraldo Rivera speaking into his Fox News microphone one last time]

Geraldo Rivera: My blustery bluff has failed. My dastardly deed has me deader than a door nail. Geraldo Rivera folds [kisses his index and middle finger together]: Fox News.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Geraldo Rivera folds, so that means Tammy Faye is going to win this hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: [victoriously] I win. Praise the Lord [raises her hands in the air]: This money is going straight to the needy…as in “I ‘needy’ more make-up!”

[Carrot Top picks up two golf clubs]

Carrot Top: Hey look, everybody, I got two “clubs” [puts clubs down and buries his face in his hands in shame over the lame, ill-timed joke]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [à la Reverend Jim from “Taxi”] Whoa, Alex! [in normal voice]: That’s Jim from “Taxi”. That certainly was a wild hand [imitating Casey Kasem]: I’m Casey Kasem [back to normal voice]: That’s Casey Kase—

Phil Gordon: [fed up with Pollack’s impersonations]: Stop it! [to camera] We’ll be right back after this.

[Pollack does another impersonation and Gordon tells him again to stop. The scene dissolves to the “Celebrity Poker Showdown” title card, followed by a fade to back]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03km: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Wizard of Oz

Dorothy…..Amy Poehler
Glenda the Good Witch…..Maya Rudolph
Munchkin #1…..Fred Armisen
Munchkin #2…..Seth Meyers
Munchkin #3…..Chris Parnell
Munchkin #4…..Will Forte
Munchkin #5…..Rachel Dratch
Munchkin #6…..Kenan Thompson
Munchkin #7…..Horatio Sanz
Munchkin Lawyer…..Megan Mullally
…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Turner Classic Movies logo ]

Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to “The Wizard of Oz”.

[ dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz ]

Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.

[ Toto barks, as Glenda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house ]

Glenda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Dorothy: [ startled ] Who? Me? Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly!

[ the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy’s assertion ]

Dorothy: Why are they laughing?

Glenda the Good Witch: They’re laughing, you see, because I’m a witch. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.

Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It’s just, I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ chuckles ] Only bad witches are ugly.

Dorothy: Oh! [ laughs ] Well, I guess that — Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?

Glenda the Good Witch: [ stammering ] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..

Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ changing the subject ] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people – for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East!

[ show the Wicked Witch’s shriveled legs and foot under the front of the house ]

Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!

Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!

Munchkin #3: [ crying in horror ] Oh, my God!!!!

[ show Munchkins #4, #5 and #6 trapped under the side of the house ]

Munchkin #4: My spine!!

Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!

Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!

Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn’t mean to —

Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where’s Dr. Wingnut?!!

Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th —

[ Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out ]

Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..

Munchkin #7: [ pointing to Dorothy ] This is all your fault! Do something!

Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There’s a first aid kit in the house!

[ Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house ]

Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!

Munchkin #7: There’s people down there!!

Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I’m really sorry!

Munchkin #1: Dear God, it’s worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there!

[ show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop ]

Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [ grabs two legs ] See! I think it’s working! 1! 2! [ gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out ]

[ the Munchkins scream in horror ]

Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glenda, you know magic.. could you, uh..?

[ Glenda removes the hat from a Munchkin’s head, and throws up in it ]

Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [ chuckles ] Look, I’m just making things worse, maybe I should just go.

Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don’t! You’ve got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!

Dorothy: Oh, come on! You’re not gonna —

[ bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene ]

Munchkin Lawyer: [ singing ]
“Weeeee represent, the victims’ families!
The victims’ families, the victims’ families!
And in the name of victims’ families
We’re gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!”

Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!

Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we’re gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!

Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [ closes her eyes ] There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

[ a slow dissolve, but no change ]

Dorothy: Aw, crap!

Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.

Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!

Dorothy: Oh! Toto!

[ Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene ]

Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [ holds up the famed Pink Floyd album ] I guar-an-tee you’re going to enjoy that! I know I will!

Music Out: “Money”, Pink Floyd.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Oprah’s Favorite Things

Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph
Woman #1…..Rachel Dratch
Woman #2…..Amy Poehler
Woman #3…..Meagn Mullally
Woman #4…..Tina Fey

Oprah Winfrey: You people came here on a really good day.

[Audience claps]

Oprah Winfrey: Everyone knows it’s my BIRTH-DAY!! [Oprah starts dancing] It’s my birthday, It’s my birthday! I’m turning 50 y’all, and you know, I love presents. Nice presents.

[audience is excited]

Oprah Winfrey: Do you love nice presents? Do you?!

[audience gets more excited]

Oprah Winfrey: Love…nice…presents!!

[Woman #3 and Woman #4 start screaming]

Oprah Winfrey: You are about to receive everything on my…BIRTHDAY LIST!!

[audience stands up and cheers hysterically]

Oprah Winfrey: Get ready for Oprah’s Favorite Things: Birthday E-DI-TION!!!

[SUPER: “Oprah’s Favorite Things”]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It’s Oprah’s Favorite Things: Birthday Edition

Oprah Winfrey: You ladies are going to love this. First up, on Oprah’s Favorite Things, my favorite to die for cashmere sweater set by Ralph LAUREN!!

[Bags are handed out, Woman #2 starts crying]

Oprah Winfrey: Now these, these are the absolute best. Julia Roberts told me about these, she is a big turkey lover. And, Julia Roberts told me that nobody does turkeys like…Green Hour smoked turkeys!!

[Woman # 3 starts kicking high and then faints, another woman is carried out by paramedics]

[Woman #1 and Woman # 2 fight over turkey]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It’s just like Oprah’s Favorite Things, only more exciting.

Oprah Winfrey: I wore these on John Travolta’s plane – UGG BOO-OO-OOTS!!

[Woman #1 throws chair into wall, gunshot goes off, Woman # 4 starts to wet her pants]

Oprah Winfrey: And, these are the best macaroons Salma Hayek and I had put in our mouths, ever. C & B macaroons!!

[audience still cheering hysterically. Woman # 2 and Woman # 3 kiss]

[Woman # 3 pulls arm off of Woman #1]

[Woman # 4 is sitting monkey style, tearing into turkey]

[As a producer approaches with plate of macaroons, a random woman runs down the aisle and tosses the plate into the air, as producer falls down]

Oprah Winfrey: An-nd, the most expensive ever given away on Oprah’s Favorite Things – A DVD handy cam valued at over $900!!!

[audience still cheering hysterically, Woman # 2 head explodes into the air, from excitement]

[pregnant woman is on floor going in labor]

[scenes of bulls running, a house collapsing, and an atomic bomb going off, are shown]

[Woman #1 is humping Woman # 4]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It’s what you’ve all been waiting for – Oprah’s Favorite Things: Birthday Edition. I’m turning 50, y’all. Monday, on “Oprah.”

[audience starts to crowd and cheer Oprah]

[SUPER: “Oprah’s Favorite Things”]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. John Edwards…..Will Forte
Sen. Joseph Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

[ open to Nightline logo ]

Announcer: This is ABC News Nightline. Reporting from Washington, here is Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the studio ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. Slowly but unmistakably, the political landscape is taking shape. Where once there were nine Democratic hopefuls, we are now down to three serious contenders. I’m joined tonight by the Democratic frontrunner, Sen. John Kerry. Congratulations on a big day, Senator.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, thank you.. thank you, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Joining me as well, from the campaign trail, Sen. John Edwards.

Sen. John Edwards: Americas we are currently —

Ted Koppel: Hold that thought, Senator. And,from his home in Connecticut, the big loser in this week’s primary races, Sen. Joseph Lieberman.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: Uh.. uh.. I really don’t see myself as a loser, Ted.

Ted Koppel: You can call it whatever you want, Senator, but it doesn’t change hte fact that you stunk it up out there.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: Fair enough.

Ted Koppel: Gentlemen, I’m going to be blunt. You know what we in the press have been saying – you also know there may have been deception at the highest level. Already, a special panel has been charged with investigating the matter – I’ll start with you, Sen. Kerry. Wehre do you stand, with regards to Janet Jackson’s be-yoob?

Sen. John Kerry: Uh, I’m sorry, Ted.. I didn’t catch that..

Ted Koppel: The be-yoob! Miss Janet Jackson’s exposed mammory. Comments?

Sen. John Kerry: Well.. I think, first off, the Amercian people are more concerned about jobs, the future of their children. not the.. halftime sohw at the Superbowl, and.. that’s what my campaign is all —

Ted Koppel: Sen. Edwards, perhaps you won’t be so evasive. It’s the most Googled story in two years. We in the news business can’t stop talking about it. You saw it – round, perhaps fake, smaller than most of us like. But.. there it was. Comments?

Sen. John Edwards: Uh, Ted.. ah was deeply offended by what ah saw.. but, ah agree with my colleague, Sen. Kerry – this election will be won on issues real Americans care about, like Health Care.

Ted Koppel: Well, let’s talk about Health Care. Was it a healthy breast? It didn’t look healthy. I thought it had more sag to it than it should have. and what was that Chinese throwing star doing stuck to it? Sen. Kerry?

Sen. John Kerry: Uhhh.. I’m.. I’m not sure that’s what it was, Ted.. but I guess if there is any issue —

Ted Koppel: If there is an issue?? You know, gentlemen, the way it seems to me, you appear to be afraid to weigh in on this subject, until the Budsh camp has formed a position. I throw the question to you, Sen. Lieberman, because you have nothing at stake. You clearly have nothing more to lose.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: W-well, thank you, Ted.. I, I.. did overestimate my appeal.. uh.. but, as you know, during my campaign, I often talked about holding the entertainment industry more accounable. To this end, I TiVoed the Superbowl halftime show.. uh. I paused it many times.. and, and.. frankly, because I’m no longer in the race, I can say I wish it had been Queen Latifah. Uh.. or, or, perhaps Catherine Bell, you know, from “JAG”.

Ted Koppel: I know who Catherine Bell is, Senator, and, yes, that would have been nice., that would have been very nice. In fact, it would have been exquisite, for a man of my age and habits. But, was it an accident?

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: I don’t see how it could have been, Ted.. I, I must have watched it a hundred times.

Sen. John Kerry: And may I just say once again – I don’t see how this relates to the larger issue —

Ted Koppel: No, you may not! Sen. Lieberman and I were discussing an important part of a woman’s anatomy. Unlike you or Edwards, we both recognize this is a very big story. That be-yoob didn’t just pop out on its own! Did Justin know? And what about that red bra that was supposed to be there? Will Janet be allowed to present at the Grammys? Will this hurt Justin? I hope not. Sen. Kerry – final thoughts?

Sen. John Kerry: Ted, I.. I think you need to find help!

Ted Koppel: You can’t evade the tough questions forever, Senator. Join me tomorrow night, for part five of my series on the be-yoob. Stay tuned for.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Megan Mullally’s Monologue

…..Megan Mullally
Chorus…..Clay Aiken, Will Forte, Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, Jimmy Fallon,
Kenan Thompson, Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz, Finesse Mitchell, Fred Armisen

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Megan Mullally!

Megan Mullally: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you! Hey! Here I am, hosting Saturday Night Live, wow! Now, um, some of you, Thank you, some of you might know me as Karen Walker, the part I play on Will & Grace? (shrugs) I don’t know. Yeah, Karen is such a crazy character and I really love playing her, but I think tonight you’re gonna see a whole other side of Megan Mullally, okay? The one that’s not always surrounded by gay men. I am so much more than that.

(music begins, guys run out)

Chorus: (singing): “She’s so much more than that!”

Megan Mullally:: Oh, look, an all-male chorus.
(singing)
“I got the goods, I got the stuff, I can sing and I can dance.”

Chorus: “Well, is that enough?”

Megan: “Hey, I can croon and do soft-shoe. Watch me go fellas!”

Chorus: “Is that all you can do?”

Megan: “I can wail and I can prance.”

Chorus: “So what you’re saying is you just sing and dance?”

Megan: Just sing and dance? Oh, okay, get up here. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. What about a little something like this? I call this dance move the Frosty Sausage. (shivers and hits her butt)Frosty. Sausage. Yeah?

Chorus: Annnnddd?

Megan: And I call this little gem the Sugarfoot to China. (shimmies/crawls backward on all fours) Oh yeah, okay? That’s what I’m sayin! Uh-huh!

Chorus: Annnnnddd?

Megan: I call this old chestnut Jiggle Number 53. (shimmies in each guy’s face, ending by shaking her boobs at Jimmy) Oh yeah, ooh, oh, grab, hey, ooh, ah, ooh, oh, hey, check it out, ooh, check it out, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Jimmy: Not feeling it, what else ya got?

Megan: Well fellas, I guess I’m gonna have to give it to you straight.

Chorus: “Please don’t give it to us straight!”

Megan: “Too late! I can knit like a mother!”

Chorus: “But can you crochet?”

Megan: “I can faux-finish a desk.”

Chorus: “That’s only class-A.”

Megan: “I can marry any man I want.”

Chorus: “So can we, as long as it’s in the state of Vermont!”

Will: “Or Massachusetts!”

Other Guys: (screaming and clapping) Massachusetts!!!!

Megan: (in her Karen voice) Honey, there is just no pleasing you (“homos” is censored out)!

Kenan: It is her! That girl from our favorite show!

Chris: You are so fantastic!

Megan: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.

Chorus: “And she don’t mind confessing:”

Megan: “My boobs are much bigger than Debra Messing’s!”

Chorus: “And just let her say that:”

Megan: “When I’m in doubt, I just stone-cold gay it.”

Chorus: “And don’t mind her sharin’.”

Megan: “Forget Will & Grace, call it Jack & Karen! And I’m so much.”

Chorus: “She’s so much.”

Megan: “I’m so much.”

Clay: (sliding onto the stage) “She’s so much!”

Megan: Well. Well, well, well. Hmm. Uh-huh. You sing it Ruben Studdard. (Clay looks surprised and leaves)

Megan and Chorus: More. Than. That!

Chorus: (repeating, in the background as they lift Megan) “She’s so much, so much more than that…”

Megan: We have a great show, Clay Aiken is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Jana

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Baby Boyfriend

Kevin…..Seth Meyers
Ann…..Amy Poehler
Mother…..Megan Mullally

[Opening scene begins with an image of a suburban house. Transistion to Kevin and Ann in bed together.]

Kevin: Good morning.

Ann: Good morning, babe.

Kevin: [They both sit up.] See, it wasn’t so bad sleeping in my old room.

Ann: No, it was nice of your mom to let us sleep together. Some moms can be really weird about that.

Kevin: Well, I mean, we are engaged. And besides, I think you’ll find out my mom’s a pretty cool lady.

Ann: Doesn’t look like she’s changed a thing in here. Even those robot toys haven’t moved.

Kevin: Well, I guess she misses her little boy.

Ann: Aw, I think it’s adorable.

Kevin: Aw. (Hugs and kisses her.)

[Mother enters the room, singing cheerfully]

Mother: Time to wake up you sleepy heads, little boys need to get out of bed. It’s a whole new day, and it’s lots of fun. If you don’t beleive me, [Kevin joins in] Just ask Mr. Sun!

Kevin: Yeah! [Gets out of bed.] Morning kisses!

Mother: 1, 2, 3 [Kevin and Mother hold hands. They kiss each other’s cheeks 3 times. They are then nose to nose and shaking their heads.] And big hug! [They hug each other.] That’s my baby boy! [Goes to leave the room. She turns around and stops being cheerful.] Good morning, Ann. [Exits room.]

Ann: Good morning, Mrs. — Well, that was weird.

Kevin: What was weird?

Ann: Your mom. She treats you like a 5-year old. It’s kind of weird.

Kevin: You’re weird!

Ann: Kevin!

Kevin: I’m sorry. Look, I’m really sorry. It’s just that my mom’s very affectionate. I’m sorry.

Ann: I’m sorry, too. Look, it’s not a big deal, babe.

Kevin: Alright, thanks, babe. So, what do you want to do today? The Carnegie Museum has a great Renoir exhibit, so that’ll be fun–

Mother: [Behind bedroom door, cheerful.] Is there a baby bear hiding in there?

Kevin: Oh man! I gotta hide! Don’t tell her where I am! [Takes the blanket off the bed, sits in the corner, and puts blanket over himself.]

Mother: [Enters room.] Where is that baby bear? Where is he? Is under the bed? Is he in the drawer? Where is he? [Goes up to Ann.] Hello, have you seen the baby bear?

Ann: Uh, he’s over there. [Points to the corner. Mother stops being cheerful, walks over to Kevin, and pulls the blanket off of him.]

Kevin: Ahh! Roar! How did you find me?

Mother: [Points to Ann.] Ann told me. [Exits the bedroom.]

Kevin: [He gets up.] Why did you, um, why did you tell her where I was?

Ann: What are you talking about?

Kevin: Well, when someone’s looking for a baby bear, you don’t tell them where he is. Because if you do, then what’s the point?

Ann: You’re 34!

Kevin: I’m 34 and a half! Besides, look, I only come once a year, you know, and, uh, my mom gets really lonely, so I just know it really means alot to her when I come home.

Ann: [Gets out of bed.] Okay. Alright. It’s just, I don’t know, I guess my family’s really different.

Kevin: Yeah, I know. It’s not your fault that your family sucks.

Ann: They do not suck!

Kevin: [Sarcastic tone.] Oh, no. It’s tons of fun going to your house. I mean, we get woken up by an alarm, your dad read the newspaper, everyone showered separately.

Ann: Wait, what?

Kevin: What? Look, look, shhh. [Takes Ann’s hand and kisses it.] Look, the thing is, like–I’m sorry, why don’t we just–Can we start this whole morning over?

Ann: You know what? I would love that.

Kevin: Okay. [They hug.] Let’s get dressed and go to the museum.

Mother: First one downstairs gets waffles!

Kevin: [Pushes Ann onto the bed.] Move, woman! [Runs towards the door.]

Ann: Oh my God! Kevin! [Gets up.]

Kevin: [He stops running.] I’m sorry. That was toally instinct.

Ann: You know, I will not stand here and literally be pushed out of the way for your mother. You got to tell her you’re an adult now and there’s a new woman in your life. Do it for me.

Kevin: Okay, you’re right.

Mother: [Enters the room with a plate of waffles.] Oh, thank goodness you’re okay, Kevin. When you didn’t come downstairs for your waffles, I thought Ann had murdered you.

Ann: Mrs. Vandervort! Come on!

Mother: He really likes his waffles, Ann.

Ann: Kevin has something to tell you.

Mother: You do, Kevin? [Kevin nodds his head.] But don’t you want to eat your waffles first?

Kevin: [Nodds his head.] Mmm Hmm!

Mother: Ann, is it okay if Kevin has a waffle in the house he grew up in, or are you just a terrible person?

Ann: Yeah, that’s fine.

[Kevin takes a bite of waffle.]

Mother: Yum yum yum. Waffles in the tummy!

Kevin: Num, num, num num num. Num, num, num num num…

Ann: Kevin, Kevin. Whenever you’re ready.

Kevin: Oh, right.

Mother: Ah, ah, ah. Come here. [Licks her thumb and rubs the corner of his mouth.] There you go. No waffles on the pretty face. I don’t like to see my little boy unhappy. So you…[starts baby talk.]

Kevin: Okay, well Ann and I were talking–

Mother: Uh oh. According to my watch, it’s 10 seconds to tickle time!

Kevin: [Shakes his head.] No!

Mother: Yes!

Kevin: No! [Runs from her. Mother begins to follow him.]

Mother: 5, 4, 3, 2, Tickle! [They both are laughing and fall on the bed while Mother is tickling him.]

Kevin: No! Don’t give me a zerbert! [Mother lifts up his shirt and gives him a zerbert.] I’m gonna go pee pee! [Gets up and exits the room.]

Mother: [Stops laughing and checks her nails.] Ann, did you have something you want to say to me?

Kevin: I need help with my zipper!

Ann: Oh my God. [Takes off her engagement ring.] You know what, I’m gonna leave you this ring. [Gives Mother the ring and runs off camera. Mother puts the ring on.]

Kevin: Mommy!

Mother: Coming, Pickles! [Gets off the bed and walks off camera.]

[Fade.]

Submitted by: Toni

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Goodnights

…..Megan Mullally

Megan Mullally: Thank you to Clay Aiken! And everybody at “SNL” – the whole cast, the crew, everybody! It was so much fun! Thank you very much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Cabdriver

Cabdriver…..Megan Mullally
Professional Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Ethnic Black Man…..Finesse Mitchell

[ Professional Black Man enters cab ]

Cabdriver: Hi! Hello there.

Professional Black Man: [ talking on cellphone ] Have the projections on my desk by the time I arrive, please.

Cabdriver: I like black people!

Professional Black Man: That’s.. great. Me, too. [ on cellphone ] Alright, yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.

Cabdriver: Yep! I like all the blackies! Black, black, black, black! Blackie! Blackie! Love it!

Professional Black Man: Excuse me? [ on cellphone ] Uh, Cindy? Let me call you back. [ hangs up ] You like what, now?

Cabdriver: Uh.. blackies? The Afros? Coloreds? I don’t know, you guys change it every year.

Professional Black Man: Excuse me, but, uh.. we haven’t been “Colored” for a very long time.

Cabdriver: Oh? Well.. anyway, it’s Black History Month, and you are my first Black-African-Negro-American today! Whoo! Free Mandela! So, where we off to, fool?

Professional Black Man: [ outraged ] What?!!

Cabdriver: Dawg?

Professional Black Man: What?!

Cabdriver: G?

Professional Black Man: Hey!

Cabdriver: My #1 Ace Boom!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Professional Black Man: Lady, are you on drugs or something? ‘Cause, if I wasn’t late, I would get out of this cab!

Cabdriver: Oh, my bad. Where to?

Professional Black Man: Just take me to —

Cabdriver: Harlem?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Bronx?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Brooklyn? BK in the cab!

Professional Black Man: No!!

Cabdriver: Listen, buddy – I’m not driving to Detroit!

Professional Black Man: Take me to Wall Street and Church!

Cabdriver: Nice suit.

Professional Black Man: Thanks.

Cabdriver: [ solemn ] I hope you get a fair trial.

Professional Black Man: Dammit!! I’m an investment banker!

Cabdriver: Yes, you are!

Professional Black Man: Look, just take me downtown..

Cabdriver: You got it, Chief! [ looks out window ] Oh! Hey, look! There’s another one! [ pulls over ]

Professional Black Man: Hey, what are you doing?

Cabdriver: Scoot over, Ice Cube! You think you’re the only black guy who needs a ride today? It’s Black History Month!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, y’all goin’ downtown?

Cabdriver: Yes, we are! The more the merrier!

Professional Black Man: I don’t believe this..

Ethnic Black Man: What’s up, black man?

Cabdriver: What’s up, black man!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, girl!

Cabdriver: It’s Black History Month! Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey! The man is already — Never mind.

Cabdriver: Mmm.. nice suit. Are you an “investment banker”, too?

Professional Black Man: Uh, no.. I violated my parole, so I’m doing court at noon.

Cabdriver: Finally! An honest answer! And we’re rollin’!

[ Cabdriver and Ethnic Black Man begin singing hymnal and rap music together, to Professional Black Man’s dismay ]

Ethnic Black Man: She’s cool!

Professional Black Man: No! She’s not!

Cabdriver: [ pointing out window ] Hey, look! Two more!

Professional Black Man: Hell, no!

Cabdriver: Look, but it’s two chocolate bunnies!

[ two black women enter cab ]

Cabdriver: Why don’t you ladies squeeze on in!

Professional Black Man: Look! This is ridiculous!

Ethnic Black Man: Hush, man. [ to the women ] Hey, how y’all doin’? Happy Black History Monh, ladies. I’m Jay..

Cabdriver: Ah! Licquor store! Anybody? Some Alize would set this party off!

Professional Black Man: Ooh! Alize! Yeah!

Professional Black Man: Alize, no! It’s ten in the morning!

Cabdriver: Uh-oh, lookie! Strip club!

Black Women: Oh, that’s us.

Cabdriver: Anyone else?

Ethnic Black Man: Oh.. uh.. yeah, I got time. [ to Professional Black Man ] Lata, playa!

Cabdriver: Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Cabdriver: Tupac lives!

Ethnic Black Man: Alright.. now, first of all, it’s “Tu-pac”; and, second of all, don’t play with my emotions. [ hops out cab ] Hey, ladies! Wait up!

Professional Black Man: Look – could you please just take me to Wall Street now? No more stops, no more other random black people, no more conversation. Can you do that?

Cabdriver: I sure can, sir! How about some soft variety music along the way?

Professional Black Man: I guess that would be alright.

[ Cabdriver turns on loud rap music and puts rap chain around neck ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 7th, 2004

Megan Mullally

Clay Aiken

Nick Offerman
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppell (Darrell Hammond) bypasses important issues to talk about Janet Jackson’s exposed breast at the Super Bowl.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Michael Jackson.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo accidentally introduces Chris Parnell as Chris Kattan, then quickly corrects himself. Pardo also introduces Maya Rudolph as Maria.

Megan Mullally’s MonologueSummary: Despite being surrounded by an all-gay chorus, Megan Mullally tries to show she’s about much more than her loyal gay following.

Bio: For her performance on “Will and Grace”, Megan Mullally (1958-) has won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series and three Screen Actors Guild Awards. She revealed herself as a bisexual in a 1999 interview.

Transcript

Celebrity Poker ShowdownSummary: Celebrities like Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) and Kevin Pollack (Jimmy Fallon) make poker excruciating to watch.

Recurring Characters: Carrot Top, Geraldo Rivera, Gene Shalit.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Elijah Wood episode.

Transcript

Huggies ThongSummary: Less padding, but not as effective as regular diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

Baby BoyfriendSummary: A grown man (Seth Meyers) lives like a child again when he visits his mom’s (Megan Mullally) house, much to the discomfort of his girlfriend (Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Golden Globe AwardsSummary: Megan Mullally makes faces from the audience as Sharon Stone (Amy Poehler) presents an award.

Oprah’s Favorite ThingsSummary: The studio audience goes nuts when Oprah (Maya Rudolph) gives lavish gifts away.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Transcript

The CabdriverSummary: A cabdriver (Megan Mullally) makes a big deal about welcoming black people into her cab.

Transcript

Clay Aiken performs “Invisible”Bio: Clay Aiken (1978-) was the second runner-up on Fox’s “American Idol”, and the first of their contestants to appear on “Saturday Night Live.”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Indian comic Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) tells more lost-in-translation jokes. Ready for her exit from “20/20”, Barbara Walters (Rachel Dratch) interviews herself.

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith, Barbara Walters.

Transcript

The Wizard Of OzSummary: Not only has Dorothy (Amy Poehler) killed the Bad Witch, but some innocent Munchkins as well.

Transcript

Zinger vs. SlamSummary: Scientists Dave “Zing” Clinger (Seth Meyers) verbally spars with ex-girlfriend Debbie “Slam” Slamowski (Megan Mullally).

Transcript

Clay Aiken performs “The Way”

Musical RelativesSummary: Leon Warwick (Kenan Thompson) and Connie Raitt (Megan Mullally) try to enter the Grammy Awards ceremony.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

]]>

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Gunther Kelly…..Will Forte
Patrick Kelly…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Michael Jackson appeared in court Friday to plead not guilty to childmolestation charges. Apparently the only way his handlers could get him there was by telling Michael that he had won the child molester of the millennium award. Jackson himself was seen dancing on his car after his court appearance, leading some to feel that Jackson’s legal team have been too afraid to tell him how serious these charges are. But really, how can they tell him that? There afraid to tell him it’s not raining. [Picture of Jackson on car with umbrella]

Jimmy Fallon: According to Magnificent Majestic, Michael Jackson’s personal magician, the purpose of Michael’s recent meetings with the nation of Islam is to insure that nobody is taking advantage of him financially. So don’t worry everyone – Michael Jackson’s personal magician is ensuring that nobody is taking advantage of him financially.

[Jackson walks in]

Michael Jackson: Excuse me. Hello everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Hello Michael, how are you?

Michael Jackson: Wonderful.

Tina Fey: How was your child molestation arraignment?

Michael Jackson: It was wonderful.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow that’s great. What do you have there?

Michael Jackson: Well, you two have always been so wonderful to me, so I wanted to invite you to a party.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, thank you.

Tina Fey: [Reads invitation] “In the spirit of love and togetherness, Michael Jackson would like to invite his fans and supporters to his Neverland Ranch for food, music, and free wieners for the kids.” Oh, Michael.

Michael Jackson: I hope you can make it. I have to go now. I gonna go buy some jelly beans at a magical candy store, on a cloud. Bye. [exits]

Jimmy Fallon: Bye Michael, good to see you again.

Tina Fey: He seems well. He seems well.

Jimmy Fallon: NBC said this Monday that “Frasier” will be ending this May after 11 seasons – 11 super-gay seasons. It was reported that after the show leaves the air, Kelsey Grammer may join the cast of “The Producers.” Grammer will be playing the role of Frasier Crane.

Tina Fey: President Bush on Wednesday outlined his ambitious vision for exploring outer space that includes plans to put a man on mars. That man – Howard Dean.

A new restaurant in Australia is opening called “Lewinsky’s”, inspired by former white house intern, Monica Lewinsky. Eat there once, pay for it the rest of your life.

Jimmy Fallon: Last week, we poked a little fun at Donald Trump and his new show “The Apprentice.” But maybe the last laugh was on us , “The Apprentice” is a hit. Here to say I told you so, is Donald Trump, ladies and gentleman.

[Donald Trump appears]

Donald Trump: Jimmy, Tina. What can I say? My news show “The Apprentice” is a classy, bold, and brassy hit. Like everything I put my name on – my buildings, my casinos, and my women, I knew it would be huge.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Let me ask you something about “The Apprentice.”

Donald Trump: Shoot.

Jimmy Fallon: Um, how do you think I would be as one of the contestants?

Donald Trump: I have to be honest Jimmy – the contestants on my show, both men and women, are business people with a lot of drive, and Jimmy, I think you’re a gooofball.

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jimmy Fallon: You do?

Donald Trump: And that’s only the beginning. I think everyone here would agree with me. Jimmy, you gotta do something about that hair…[pause]…What’s the matter?

Jimmy Fallon: M-“my” hair?

Donald Trump: Jimmy, I have a stylist I go to in Queens. His name is Antonio. I think he’s a fruit. But the bottom line is that the hair speaks for itself. Here’s his card, tell him I sent you, and ask for the onion loaf.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no I’m not getting in on your loaf.

Donald Trump: Jimmy, you’re making a mistake.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t think I’m making a mistake.

Donald Trump: I think you need an onion loaf.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t think I need an onion loaf.

Donald Trump: Jimmy, I hate to do this, but you’re fired.

Jimmy Fallon: He’s got power. He can do this.

Donald Trump: Tina…

Tina Fey: Yeah, how do you think I would do, Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: Let me put it this way, Tina – men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Tina Fey: That’s gross.

Donald Trump: Tina, lose the glasses, and fix these. [ grabs his boobs ]

Tina Fey: Fix them?!

Jimmy Fallon: Maybe get an onion loaf, a couple of onion loafs.

Donald Trump: I could get you a job as a cocktail waitress at the Taj.

Tina Fey: Get out of here! The Donald, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: The Donald!

Tina Fey: I’m not going to fix these! [ touches her boobs ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Fix those!” Come on, Trump!

Tina Fey: In Us Weekly this week, [Imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] “I ate too much ice cream. I have to work through this ice cream headache to govern the state of California. No pain, no game!”

CBS announced that will not air moveon.org’s winning anti-bush ad during the super bowl, saying that they don’t air so-called “issue ads.” Unless the issue is that girls are sluts for beer.

Jimmy Fallon: White Stripes lead singer, Jack White, plead innocent to charges on aggravated assault on singer Jason Stollsteimer. Although he pled guilty to aggravated assault on this here guitar lick…[Imitates playing guitar] Yeah! who wants to rock and roll? [guitar thrown at Fallon] Who is throwing guitars? What the hell is going on? You don’t throw a guitar at me. What’s wrong with people?

Tina Fey: American celebrities have been coming out of woodwork in recent weeks, offering endorsements of the various democratic hopefuls. Here is where the celebrities lineup, these are all real endorsements by the way. [Picture of Madonna] Madonna has thrown her endorsement to general Wesley Clark, because he said the word “kabbalah” once. [Picture of Sorkin and Douglas] Dick Gephardt hasbeen backed by Aaron Sorkin and Michael Douglas — no surprise there. Gephardt has always been the candidate of choice for crack heads and aging sex addicts. And here’s a good one. [Picture of Kutcher] Ashton Kutcher has endorsed John Edwards. So if you feel overwhelmed. Your feeling this next election is a very important one in American history, and you say to yourself “What does that guy from ‘That 70’s Show’ think I should do?” Who are you gonna vote for Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know. I mean, I like “Romancing the Stone,” so maybe Gephardt. I think I’m just gonna play it cool, and wait to see who Frankie Muniz endorses…Well, Frankie Muniz.

>Boxing ring announcer, Michael Buffer, got divorced last week. So now…..[in stereo voice, pulls down hanging microphone] Let’s get ready to move into the Y and have awkward conversations with our children!! …sorry. [normal voice] Please. I don’t want your charity, please!

Tina Fey: According to researchers, sex benefits the heart, burns calories, reduces depression, boosts immunity, and releases pain reducing endorphins. But most importantly, it makes boys like you.

Jimmy Fallon: Nearly two weeks after landing on Mars, the Spirit Aover finally rolled off it’s lander Thursday, and joined 10 feet into the surface of the planet. So let’s see – It wakes up, rolls off a platform, moves 10 feet, and calls it a day. Apparently, the Rover has been programed to mimic the movements of Star Jones.

Hey, by the way, I want to say congratulation to America for landing on mars. [stands up to gloat] Yeah! What up bitch?! We got a go-kart on mars! Woo! I guess David Bowie was right! The second I play guitar! [guitar thrown at Fallon again] Stop throwing guitars at me! What the frig, man!

Tina Fey: It-it-it seems like you’re calling for a guitar.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I’m not though.

Tina Fey: All right. This week, President Bush used a special presidential power to appoint Charles W. Pickering to a federal appeals court judgeship. Despite the fact that he’d been blocked twice by the senate because of democratic opposition. This is a complicated situation, but lucky for us, we have some experts here to help explain it to us. Please welcome, from George Washington University law school, professors Patrick and Gunther Kelly.

Gunther Kelly: Thank you, Tina. The intricacies of presidential appointments, are difficult to understand, even for constitutional scholars like us. None the less, the presidents decision has significant implications. And its very important that the public understand exactly what this judicial appointment means.

Patrick Kelly: So to help people understand, we’ve composed a little song that explains the arcane aspects of the president’s action. We hope it might be a fun learning tool for anyone interested in the American system of checks and balances.

Gunther Kelly: So pay attention, here’s the Charles W. Pickering appeals court song…

Patrick Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Gunther Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Patrick Kelly: Take it Gunther.

Gunther Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. [soft voice] Yaaaaaaaaaa. [loud voice] Yaaaaaaaaaaa. Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Yaaaa.[pause] Ya-ya.

Tina Fey: It’s all clear now. Professors Patrick and Gunther Kelly, everyone.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts