Month: October 2018

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 14th, 2002

Al Gore

Phish

Tipper Gore

Martin Sheen

Allison Janney

John Spencer

Richard Schiff

Bradley Whitford

Al Franken

Making Out Backstage

Lorne Michaels and cast can’t break up the Gores while locked in a kiss.

Al Gore’s Monologue

Gore reflects upon picking out his 2000 running-mate “Bachelor”-style.

Hardball

Trent Lott (Gore) makes further racist statements.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Al Sharpton.

Fiesta Politica

As a guest, Gore gets little chance to discuss the environment.

Recurring Characters: Rebecca.

The West Wing

During studio tour, Gore can’t be torn from Oval Office set.

Jarret’s Room

Professor (Gore) cautions the dangers of slacking off like Goby (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

Phish performs “46 Days”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Hookers Coast Guard Carrie (Amy Poehler) & Vidalis (Maya Rudolph) discuss the trade.

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart (Al Franken) helps denial-ridden Gore open up about election loss.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

Accountant (Gore) relieved to see wasteful Wonka (Jeff Richard) give up business.

TV Funhouse

Charlie Brown gang use awesome hand-waving powers to improve life around them.

Phish Jones performs “Chalkdust Torture”

Last Call

Drunk couple (Tracy Morgan, Maya Rudolph) make their drink request in song.

Seasons Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan perform ditty as toys.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

U.N. Weapons Inspectors

U.N. Weapons Inspector #1…..Jimmy Fallon
U.N. Weapons Inspector #2…..Robert De Niro
Iraqi Soldier…..Fred Armisen

[ open on footage of U.N. Weapons Inspector vehicles in action ]

Announcer: Watch out, Iraq – here.. they.. come!

[ show pair of U.N. Weapons Inspectors ]

U.N. Weapons Inspector #1: We’ll go anywhere, any time!

U.N. Weapons Inspector #2: And we won’t quit until the job.. is.. done!

Together: WE ARE..!!

[ SUPER appears ]

Announcer: “U.N. Weapons Inspectors”!

[ show exterior image of Al Sujud Palace ]

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “Shottout At Al Sujud Palace”.

[ dissolve to U.N. Weapons Inspectors running to the palace door ]

Alright, let’s move! Unload the van, set up the gear! Signal HQ! Go, go, go!

U.N. Weapons Inspector #1: [ speaks into his headset ] Yeah, we’re here! They didn’t know we were coming, no.. we caught ’em ith their pants down!

U.N. Weapons Inspector #2: Alright, everyone, stay frosty – no heroics! [ bangs on door ] Open up now! Here we go..

[ the door opens, as Iraqi Soldier peers out ]

Iraqi Soldier: Yes?

U.N. Weapons Inspector #2: Is there weapons?

Iraqi Soldier: [ eyes shift back and forth quietly ] No.

U.N. Weapons Inspector #2: [ considers the answer ] Okay.

[ door closes, as the inspectors run off ]

Announcer: “U.N. Weapons Inspectors”. Keeping the peace.. for at least a few more months.

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

A Very Versace Chanukah

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Roy…..Robert De Niro
Seigfried…..Harvey Kietel

Donatella Versace: Oh, Happy Chanukah, everybody. I love Chanukah so much, you know nothing reminds me more of Chanukah than Christmas. [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”]

Donatella Versace: Oh the holidays, I’m loving it. Welcome to my special, where we are going to get back to what the holidays are really about – looking good, smoking and champagne. It’s also a time to remember all the people in the world that are in need – for example, I am in need of booze. Seriously, I have gone down to my last case of champagne! [sings: “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”]

[throws bottle of champagne]

[doorbell rings]

Donatella Versace: Okay, If that’s not the liquor delivery, somebody is going down!

[Ozzy Osbourne enters the living room]

Ozzy Osbourne: Jack, Jack..

Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody, it’s Ozzy Osbourne. Happy holidays, Ozzy.

Ozzy Osbourne: [mumbling] I can’t get the remote to work. You have to have computer knowledge to turn the bloody TV on now.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you are right – Chanukah is terrific, Ozzy. Let’s go stand by the fire and sing Christmas songs.

[both grab a marshmallow on a stick, and sing “Jingle Bells”, then place the Marshmallow in the fireplace]

Donatella Versace: Ozzy Osbourne, you crazy bitch, why do you talk like that? Nobody can understand you.

Ozzy Osbourne: AAAAAAHHH fire

[marshmallow is on fire]

Donatella Versace: Fire oh FFFIIIIIIIRREE.

[Sharon Osbourne enters the living room]

Sharon Osbourne: Oh, all right, Ozzy, calm down. [Sharon puts out the fire]

Donatella Versace: Thank you, Sharon, my face is very flammable.

Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. Oh, look.. Donatella has doggies too.

Donatella Versace: No, no, no – all those poops came out of Naomi Campbell.

Sharon Osbourne: Thank you for looking after Ozzy, Donatella. He must have wandered off.

Donatella Versace: Yeah. Yeah, well, it’s time to wander back. [singing as “Jingle Bells”] Get out of here, get out of here, get out of here, get out!!!

Sharon Osbourne: All right. We’ve got to go, daddy. Jack just smacked Kelly, and she’s pressing charges.

Ozzy Osbourne: All right.. Monkeys …. Alchohol …. Wizard Shoes.

Sharon Osbourne: All right, daddy! Let’s go, let’s go, daddy!

[they exit]

Donatella Versace: That was a disaster. Seriously, I think the holidays suck. You know what would make us all feel better? Me sitting on Santa’s lap. SSSAAAANNNTTAAA!

[Santa comes in, Donatella sits in his lap.]

Donatella Versace: I want a speed boat, the power to become invisible, and banjo lessons.

[Doorbell rings, Donatella Jumps]

Donatella Versace: Oh, holy crap, that scared me! If that’s not the liquor man, I’ll be forced to drink this [shows a bottle of Versace Blue Jeans Cologne] Versace Blue Jeans, the cologne that smells like booze! [throws the bottle]

[Roy of Siegfired and Roy enters]

Roy: Oh Donatella, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Oh, look, everybody – it’s the world’s most magical weiner lover, Seigfried & Roy’s Roy. Happy Chanukah, Roy, you seem so upset.

Roy: Happy Chanukah, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Here, chug this. [gives him liquor]

Roy: Donatella, look at me. I am crying a river here.

Donatella Versace: Yeah, you are getting circus snot all over my holiday special.

Roy: But, Donatella, I am having the saddest holiday ever.

Donatella Versace: Go tell me about it, Gay Wad.

Roy: It was horrible! Seigfried and I got into a fight. [Roy reads a poem he made for Seigfreid]

Donatella Versace: Oh this is a nightmare!!!

[Seigfried enters the living room]

Roy: Seigfried!

Seigfried: Roy!

Donatella Versace: Ugh, Christmas on a cracker! It’s the other one.

Seigfried: I bought you something. [shows a stuffed albino tiger]

Roy: An Albino tiger, how did you know?

Seigfried: We’ve worked with Albino tigers for the past 27 years.

Roy: I love you Seigfried! [Kisses Seigfried]

Donatella Versace: All right, you two christmas fruit cakes – quit breathing on each other and get out!!!!! Yeah, yeah listen, I have learned nothing about Chanukah. But since this is going down the poop shoot, I guess I can sing you one last song. “Frosty the snow man, blah blah blah bli blah bli blue” Tell me about the liquor man. [false snow is falling in the room] I think I just lost my vision. which means I wont be able to tell if any of you people have gotten out or not, nevertheless please get out. Can someone tell me why it’s snowing in my living room?[fades out]

Thanks to Daylis for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Bobby Brown…..Tracy Morgan
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch
Marty…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Of the first major shake-up of the Bush administration, both treasury secretary Paul O’Neil and economic advisor Larry Lindsay were forced to resign. Lindsay cheered up upon knowing that his severance would be paid in hoagies.

One of the big toys this holiday season is a talking doll of President Bush that says 17 of his patriotic phrases. Actually its only one phrase, it just takes him 17 times to get it right.

NBC Sports announced that it will air the 2003 US National and World curling championships. So Merry Christmas ABC, CBS and Fox.

An armed gunman robbed a Subway sandwich shop in Manhattan Wednesday making out with $500.This is part of the new Jared subway diet where you go into a Subway a guy comes in with a gun and you crap your pants.

(There is a knock coming from somewhere)

Jimmy Fallon: Is that a knock… Tina, I think there’s someone at the Update door.

Tina Fey: Its probably poor people wanting money again.

(Tina opens the door and Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown walk in)

Tina Fey: Look Jimmy, its Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. (she sits down again)

Whitney Houston: Woo! Hi Tina, hi Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: What brings you two here?

Whitney Houston: After our interview with Diane Swoyer I haven’t been able to sleep.

Bobby Brown: Yeah, and I Haven’t been able to stop sweating.

Whitney Houston: So I said ‘Whitney, you and Bobby have to go get something straight’.

Bobby Brown: Yeah, cause I got to stop this sweating. Last night in bed I almost drowned.

Whitney Houston: Yes Jimmy, Tina, when I told Diane Swoyer ‘I didn’t do crack, crack is cheap, only poor people do crack‘, I didn’t mean that in a hurtful way. (wipes a tear) Some of my best friends are poor people.

Bobby Brown: Like me.

Whitney Houston: That’s right baby. What I meant to say was that as a parent, I would never do crack. I mean, you’ve seen our baby Tina.

Tina Fey: Yes I have.

Whitney Houston: You have? Where is she?

Bobby Brown: Yeah, where you been keeping her at?

Tina Fey: No, I meant I have seen her in the papers.

Whitney Houston: Oh, of course she’s in the papers. She is the most famous baby in R&B!

Bobby Brown: Yeah, uh huh. Baby I’m starting to get Bi-Polar…

Jimmy Fallon: My god man, you are sweating a lot!

Whitney Houston: Okay, Bobby needs his weed! Lets go, lets get you a joint. (they leave)

Tina Fey: Bobby and Whitney everybody! Bobby needs his weed.

During a lighting ceremony for the Whitehouse minor this week, President Bush does a classy job of faking interest. (shows picture of President Bush staring at someone lighting candles)

In an interview with Time magazine, Shania Twain said that she doesn’t care if she never performs again. This marks the first time Shania Twain and I have ever agreed on anything.

Pharmacologists have created a new drugs that take advantage of the beneficial effects of THC, which is found in marijuana. The details of their study will be released in a 17 minute guitar solo on the next Phish album.

Jimmy Fallon: See you next week Trey.

An Austrian electrician has created the worlds first robots that gives tattoos. However if its not set exactly right it becomes the worlds first incontrollable stabbing machine.

Jenna and Barbara Bush have celebrated their 21st birthday last week, with a party at the Cheer shot bar in Austin. Following Bush tradition, the drinking started at 5 pm and will end in 19 years.

Jimmy Fallon: According to the Hollywood reporters annual list, some of the most powerful people in Hollywood are Oprah Winfrey who is number 8, Julia Roberts, 12 and J.K Rowling, 64. Where were you Tina.

Tina Fey: 7,348th. Take that girl who played Winney Cooper on ‘The Wonder Years’

According to psychiatrists, during the first 3 years of ‘The Sopranos’ have influenced more Americans to enter therapy, while this season has influenced more Americans to become boring.

Tina Fey: (about Jimmy’s last joke) Uh Oh, what’s going on? (back to the audience) this week for the 4th time a cruise ship became infested with the Norwalk Virus causing hundreds of passengers to experience nausea, vomiting and intestinal stress. Here with a report is Weekend Updates travel correspondents Sylvia Feinblatt and her husband Marty.

Sylvia: Thank you Tina, its an honour to be here on the program. (talking normally while Marty eats some soup)

Tina Fey: So tell us about the cruise and your subsequent illness.

Sylvia: What’s to tell? Marty and I sign on for what we thought would be a nice cruise for thanksgiving. Bladi, bladi, blah its settled, we are on the adventures of the Caribbean in Miami. We bought it, its set.

Tina Fey: Ok, so when exactly did you start to feel sick?

Sylvia: Oh, I’ll tell you when I started to feel sick, Missy. Its when I saw the size of the cabin we were staying in. I tell you, I would have sprung for the extra 50 bucks a night if I had known that I was going to be shoved in that tiny cabin like a veal.

Marty: (briefly stops eating his soup) It was closet, small. (He continues eating)

Sylvia: And we paid for a room with a view. Argh! What view? All I could see was the ocean!

Marty: Far!!

Sylvia: Exactly!

Tina Fey: At what point did your stomach start to ache?

Sylvia: Oh, my stomach was fine. The only thing that made my stomach ache Missy ,was I entered the so called “Pride of Atlantis” lounge for shrimp cocktails and our pair of teeth’s! Argh! The calibre of people they allow on this cruise. The literature said ‘formal Wear’, there were people there in sneaker shoes, jean pants, and baseball cap hats! What!!

(Marty makes a strange noise, and Sylvia copies it)

Tina Fey: So after dinner you started to feel nauseas?

Sylvia: Oh no, I have an iron stomach. The only thing that made me nauseas was the next day, Marty and I were poolside– there aren’t enough lounge chairs!3000 people on this cruise, 60 lounge chairs!! 60, I counted, I counted! 60!

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry to interrupt, but it sounds like aside from your disappointment, you trip went pretty good, I mean, we were lucky. You were the only two people who went on your cruise who didn’t get the Norwalk Virus.

(Sylvia vomits on the desk)

Sylvia: I guess its just kicking in.

Marty: Oh jeez…

Tina Fey: Ok, the Feinblatt’s everybody! Good job.

Finally tonight as a part of the celebration for senator Strom Thurmond’s birthday, a Marilyn Monroe impersonator sang to him. And just so he didn’t feel so old, a boner impersonator climbed into his pants.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Roseanne S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Bedtime Story

Dad…..Robert De Niro
Leslie…..Chris Kattan

[ open in Leslie’s bedroom, as Dad peeks his head through the door ]

Dad: You’re all tucked in, little man?

Leslie: Yeah, Dad! I’m glad I got to spend the weekend with you.

Dad: Me, too, buddy! Me, too! See you tomorrow.

Leslie: Hey, wait, Dad! Aren’t you gonna tell me a story?

Dad: I’m kinda watching the game. The Raiders just got the ball back, with two minutes left.

Leslie: [ disappointed ] I understand. Mom told me you’d probably be too busy watching football to spend time with me..

Dad: [ angry at his ex-wife ] Well played, Brenda. [ enters room ] Soooo.. you want me to tell you a story?

Leslie: [ now excited ] Oh, please! Yeah! Please tell me a story, Dad!

Dad: [ sits on bed ] O-kay. Now, what kind of story do you want to hear?

Leslie: Uh.. [ thinking ] Tell me a story about a little boy!

Dad: Okay. Well, let’s see.. there once was a little boy, and his name was.. Leslie!

Leslie: [ super-excited ] Hey, wait a second, that’s my name!

Dad: [ a beat ] Thank your mother for that.

Leslie: What?

Dad: Nothing. [ continues story ] So, every day, this little boy would leave nuts out on the back porch for the squirrels.

Leslie: That’s what I do!

Dad: You sure do! [ continues ] Then, one day, one of the squirrels came up to him and started to talk. [ imitating squirrel ] “Hello, little boy! I’m Julio, the Magical Squirrel! I’m gonna grant you one wish every day for the next three days.” The little boy stayed up all night thinking about his first wish. Bright and early the next morning, the magical squirrel appeared, and asked Leslie what his first wish was. What do you think he wished for?

Leslie: [ hopeful ] He wished.. his parents would get back together?

Dad: [ quickly ] No, he didn’t!

Leslie: Yes, he did!

Dad: [ gives in ] Okay. so he wished for his parents to get back together, and they did. The father was able to be more understanding with his wife.. and she stopped busting his balls. I mean, really, he caught enough crap from work! He didn’t need to hear it from her the second he walked through the door! He just needs a little down time – have a drink, watch some TV, relax! not have to hear about how he’s not gonna get that boat up and running, and what a waste of money it is!

Leslie: [ losing interest ] Okay.. Dad.. keep going. Get ot the second morning.

Dad: Okay. The next day, Leslie was outside, and Julio came running up and said, “Okay, little boy. It is now time for your second wish.” Leslie thought for a moment, and what did he wish for?

Leslie: [ excited ] He wished that everybody in the world would be friends! And there’d be no more fighting!

Dad: And the little boy wished for world peace, and there were no more wars and no more fighting.

Leslie: Ya-a-a-ayyy!!

Dad: Everybody was happy, except Leslie’s mom, who gets her kicks by flirting with dirtbags in bars! So she could watch me get angry and pound on them! [ pause ] Honestly, man! I mean, how messed up do you have to be to get off watching guys fight over you?!

Leslie: [ now getting worried ] Dad, just get to the next day.

Dad: Okay. Well, the third morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the boy was on the back porch, and he saw Julio the magical squirrel walking up the driveway, when, all of a sudden, wham! Leslie’s mom runs over Julio with her car.

Leslie: No!!

Dad: Yes! She did! Straight down the back! Crushed the little guy! I mena, she said it was an accident, but, if you ask me, it looked like she was aiming for him.

Leslie: That’s horrible!

Dad: It sure is. She didn’t even say she was sorry. She just goes, “It’s not my fault! He shouldn’t have been in the driveway, he was asking for it!”

Leslie: No, he wasn’t! Julio’s a nice squirrel!

Dad: He sure was. ‘Til Leslie’s mom killed him!

Leslie: [ thinking of a recovery ] Well, wait – the little boy has one more wish. And I know what he wished for!

Dad: Something bad to happen to his mommy?

Leslie: No! He wished that the magical squirrel would ocme back to life.

Dad: That’s a great idea! The little boy wished the squirrel would ocme back to life, and Julio’s eyes opened up, and he began to scream, “My spine! She crushed my spine! She crippled me, and left me to die! She’s evil! The only joy she gets is from other people’s pa-a-ain!” And the magical squirrel passed out.

Leslie: [ upset ] Oh, no!

Dad: And when it looked like there was no hope in sight, Leslie’s dad came running out with a first aid kit, and he made the squirrel better!

Leslie: Way to go, Dad! [ high fives ]

Dad: And little Lslie and his dad nursed the squirrel back to health! And the three of them went out for lots of rides on his dad’s boat!

Leslie: Oh, yay!

Dad: And, from that day on, Leslie never forget what the magical squirrel told him: [ chuckles ] “She gets joy from other people’s pa-a-ain!” The end!

Leslie: [ reeling from the surprise ending ] That was a scary story..

Dad: Yeah, that was almost too real, wasn’t it? how about you come out and watch the rest of the game with me?

Leslie: Okay, yeah! I love you, Dad!

Dad: I love you, too, Leslie! Come on!

[ they run into the living room, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Santa Claus

Mall Santa…..Robert De Niro
Mall Elf…..Maya Rudolph
Mother…..Rachel Dratch
Larry Macy…..Chris Parnell

[ open on mall interior, Mall Santa Claus and his elf attracting the crowds ]

Mother: Hi! Can we see Santa!

Mall Santa: Certainly! Hello, young man! Jump up on Santa’s lap. What’s your name?

Zack: Zack.

Mall Santa: Zack! Have you been a good boy this year, Zack?

Zack: Yes.

Mall Santa: Good. Now, tell Santa what you want for Christmas, and he’ll get it for you!

Mall Elf: Ho ho ho, that’s a good one?

[ Mall Santa stares at his elf for a second, then returns his attention to Zack ]

Mall Santa: Anything special you want this year, Zack?

Mall Elf: Oh, go ahead, ask him – he’s good at making promises.

Mall Santa: [ his patience wearing thin ] Okay.. okay.. that’s fine. You’ve had your say, so just.. alright? Okay?

Mall Elf: Alright.

Mall Santa: Okay, Zack, so what do you want Santa to bring you?

Mall Elf: Hey! Whatever you do, don’t ask him for a ring, Zack.

Mall Santa: Alright, alright, alright.. are you done there? Are you done? Come on. Huh?

Mall Elf: What? What’s wrong? What, I hit a nerve?

Mall Santa: Don’t push! Don’t push! I am warning you.. don’t push!

Mall Elf: I am so scared.

Mall Santa: You, what, you wanna be scared? You wanna be scared?

Mall Elf: Ha ha! big man! Big man!

Mall Santa: Do not! Hear me? Do not!

Mother: [ worried ] Excuse me, is something the matter here?

Mall Elf: No, no. Everything’s working out right according to plan. Being Santa in Willowbrook Mall is just a stepping stone for this guy. He’s going places! Yeah, he’s gonna be a big city Santa, and he can’t have a lot of com-MIT-ment holding him back!

Mall Santa: Hey, hey, hey. What did I say? What did I say?!

Mall Elf: Wha-at?

Mall Santa: You can’t keep nuthin’ private! Huh? What’s the matter with you? Huh?!

Mother: Uh.. look.. maybe we’ll just move along-

Mall Santa: No, no, no, no! We’re doing great! Right, Zack? Aren’t we doin’ great? Well, what do you want for Christmas, buddy?

Zack: Chicken Dance Elmo.

Mall Santa: Chicken Dance Elmo – that’s great. You know what’s even better? What’s a better gift? an environment of emotional maturity. ‘Cause, if you think stompin’ on other people’s dreams is gonna fix your problems, Zack, you’re always gonna be stuck in the same place – down on Route 3, dancing for truckers!

Mall Elf: Hey! Hey! Cage dancing! Alright?! And someone has to pay our rent eleven months of the year!

Mall Santa: That right?

Mall Elf: Yeah!

Mall Santa: Really?

Mall Elf: Yeah, really!

Zack: I wanna leave!

Mall Santa: No, no, no, Zack! You stay! You’re gettin’ an education! This is what happens when you let a woman keep a toothbrush at your place!

Mall Elf: Ha! Great!

Mall Santa: Look, why don’t you do me a favor, huh? [ holds up candy cane ] You take this thing, and why don’t you just stab me!

Mall Elf: Oh! Oh, don’t tempt me, Santa!

Mall Santa: Come on, come on – stab me!

Mall Elf: What?!

Mall Santa: Come on, this is what you want, isn’t it? This is what you want, so do it!

Mall Elf: No-o-o-o!

Mall Santa: Do it, do it – stab me!

Mall Elf: No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Mall Santa: What are you scared of?

Mall Elf: [ weeping ] I don’t want our son to be born without a father!

Mall Santa: [ shocked ] What?!

Mother: Oh.. uh, hey, uh.. congratulations!

Mall Elf: Oh, thank you!

Mother: Run, Zack, honey! Run! Run! Hurry!

[ Zack runs; Mother chases after him ]

Mall Santa: Baby! Baby! Why didn’t you tell me!

Mall Elf: [ crying ] I.. I.. I didn’t want to step on your dreams!

Mall Santa: [ ecstatic ] Come on.. get on Santa’s lap!

[ Mall Elf sits on Mall Santa’s lap, as Larry Macy enters scene and coughs to make his presence known ]

Larry Macy: Sorry to interrupt, but.. I saw what just happened, and.. I declare you to be the finest Santa I’ve ever seen! My card. [ hands his business card out ]

Mall Santa: [ reading card ] Larry Macy!

Mall Elf: Of Macy’s?

Larry Macy: [ humbly ] The same. I would like you to come to New York Cirty, and be my Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: Well.. Mr. Macy.. that’s very nice of you. But I couldn’t go without my.. wife-to-be.

Mall Elf: Oh.. Stan..

Larry Macy: Your loss. Nice meeting you. [ walks away, then re-enters scene after a beat ] Oh, what the heck! I guess I must be a big ol’ softie. You can bring her!

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! Baby, what did I tell you? Merry Christmas!

Mall Elf: Merry Christmas!

[ music sweep: “Joy to The World” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Homeland Security Briefing

Tom Ridge…..Darrell Hammond
Craig Fenson…..Robert De Niro
Reporter #1……Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Reporter #3…..Jeff Richards

Tom Ridge: Good afternoon! Before we begin today’s briefing, I wish to announce that, on the basis of change in the nature of Al-Queda chatter, we are changing the current threat level to Magenta. Let me repeat: the threat level is now.. Magenta. What is Magenta? It’s a darker maroon. It’s not quite an ox blood. It’s more plum color than.. say.. a crimson. How serious is it? [ sighs ] I honestly don’t have an answer for that. We’ll try to have that for you by early in the week. In any case, I’d like to introduce Craig Fenson, the new senior spokesman for the office of Homeland Security, and he’ll be happy to take your questions.

Craig Fenson: Good afternoon. In the past few weeks, through our national hotline, we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists, and I’m proud to say that most of the calls have come from high school and college students nationwide. In fact, we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man: M’Balz Es-Hari. We also received information on such nefarious terrorists such as Graabir Boubi, and Haid D’Salaami and.. let this be a message to you, Haid D’Salaami: we will not play your dangerous games We are also currently searching for a man we believe to be a Al Queda leutinant: Hous Bin Pharteen, his cousin I-Bin Pharteen, and their close companion I-Zheet M’Drurz. Question over there?

Reporter #1: Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?

Craig Fenson: Ah.. our operatives have picked up his scent. Also, according to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries, fertilizer plants, and, oddly enough, baked bean canneries. He is a silent, but deadly killer.

Reporter #2: What can you tell us about I-Zheet M’Drurz?

Craig Fenson: We’re told that, when he was fleeing the scene of his last attack, he left skidmarks. He is extremely dangerous. Our sources say that he is planning on attacking the New York City sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.

Reporter #3: Do you have any other names you’re willing to release?

Craig Fenson: Yes! Please call our hotline at once if you have any information on the following men: Shaif Hirboush.. Al-Suq Akweer.. Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr. I hope I got that right! Awan Afuqya.. Yul Strokheet Al-Wauch.. Apul Madeek – who we believe will be targeting adult bookstores sometime in the near future. And this man, the notorious Yuliqa M’Diq, A.K.A. Uwana M’Diq, A.K.A. Usuqa M’Diq. Uh.. thank you, that is all, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Peter Pan Rehearsal

Director…..Chirs Kattan
Wendy Actress…..Amy Poehler
John Actor…..Seth Meyers
Michael Actor…..Jeff Richards
Wesley Jamison…..Robert De Niro

[ open on exterior, marquee: “Peter Pan Opening Soon” ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom stage set ]

Director: Okay, people, listen up. Uh.. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The bad news is that our regular Peter Pan has come down with the flu and will not be joining us. [ the actors groan ] I know. The good news is that our replacement happens to be none other than.. Wesley Jamison! and, as you all know, he was one of the first actors in southwestern Michigan to play the part of Peter Pan, over thirty-five years ago!

Wendy Actress: Soooo.. that’s good?

Director: Oh, it’s- No! It’s great, it’s great, it’s great! Yeah.

[ Wesley Jaminson enters, wearing Peter Pan tights ]

Wesley Jamison: Uh.. I’m sorry I’m late. some Chinese guy gave me a lift here – I caught him eyeing my watch, and I had to rearrange his face for him.

Director: Okay. Mr. Jamison, it is a pleasure to meet you! Uh, actually.. you did not need to come in costume, we did have one for you.

Wesley Jamison: Uh.. okay, what’s your name?

Director: It’s, uh.. its.. it’s Tim.. Timothy.. you can call me Tim..

Wesley Jamison: Tim! I’ve been doing this for thirty-five years. I was fighting Captain Hook when you were still sucking boob. I don’t screw around! I know better than to squeeze into some weird pair of tights that every fruit from here to Flynt probably left his juices in! I’ll wear my own, if you don’t mind, thank you!

Director: Great! Fantastic!

Wesley Jamison: Good.

Director: I think that’s an incredible idea! It is an honor to have you here. Just to let you know, just to let you know – we’re about to rehearse the scene where you, Peter, teach Wendy, Michael and John, uh.. to think wonderful thoughts in order to fly!

Wesley Jamison: [ annoyed ] Yeah. I know the scene. What do I look like, an idiot? I’ve done this scene on everything from old-fashioned blow, to horse tranquilizers! I think it’s safe to say I know what I’m doing!

Director: Okay, great! Fantastic! We’re so.. we’re so – I’m so excited! Okay, okay.. places! Pla-ces! And.. we’re in Wendy’s room, annnnd.. whenever you’re ready. [ steps aside ]

Michael Actor: Hi! I’m Michael!

John Actor: And my name is John! How do you do?

Wesley Jamison: How you guys, doin’? Come on, Wendy – let’s go!

Michael Actor: Where are we going?

Wendy Actress: To Neverland!

Michael Actor: Neverland?!

Wendy Actress: Peter’s taking us!

Wesley Jamison: Yeah, we’re all goin’ to Neverland – let’s do this! Come on!

[ Tinkerbell prop flutters through the room; Wesley swats it to the ground in fear ]

Wesley Jamison: Aggghhhh!! What is that?! What the hell is it?! Get that OUT of here!! What is that?!

[ Director runs back into the scene to sort out the confusion ]

Director: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we should have..

Wesley Jamison: Get that outta here! Get that OUTTA here, I will SUE you!!

Director: No-no-no need to do that! I should have told you – that’s our Tinkerbell. We don’t have to use that, if..

Wesley Jamison: Well, get it outta here!

Director: Okay.

Wesley Jamison: I like my Tinkerbells to be life-sized, with a nice.. rack!

Director: Okay. Great idea.

Wendy Actress: Um.. excuse me? But I don’t think Peter Pan is supposed to be smoking.

Wesley Jamison: Uh-huh. Guess what? I do a lot of things Peter Pan wouldn’t do. Like driving fine, imported Japanese sports cars.. or playing a guitar without shirt on.. or going downtown so long you won’t ever need to wax again!

Wendy Actress: [ disgusted ] Oh, my God.. that is so gross!

Director: [ alarmed ] Hey! This is Wesley Jamison, okay! you don’t talk like that to Wesley Jamison! I saw him do Pan in the parking lot of a Pep Boys in Grand Rapids, and it changed my life forever, okay! You show him some respect! Or this production is going nowhere! Okay?

Wesley Jamison: Thanks, thanks. I appreciate it.

Director: You’re welcome! Don’t worry about it. Um.. let’s pick this up where we left off, okay? Annnnd.. okay, okay.. and we’re going to Neverland! right? And, Debra..?

Wendy Actress: Downtown?

Director: Yeah, I know – don’t forget about downtown. Whenever you feel like it..

Wendy Actress: Okay. Okay.

Director: Wendy time.. Wendy time. Just go! [ steps aside ]

Wendy Actress: But, Peter! How do we get to Neverland?

Wesley Jamison: [ bored ] Fly.

John Actor: Fly?

Wesley Jamison: Yeah! Fly! What did I just say! Just think of a wonderful thought – come on, let’s go!

Wendy Actress: [ struggling ] Uh.. any happy little thought?

Wesley Jamison: Yeah. That’s what I said. What is it with you people? God!

Michael Actor: Like toys at Christmas? Sleigh bells? Snow?

Wesley Jamison: Yeah! Or like having a steamy three-way with some waitress and her mom in the men’s room at an IHOP!

John Actor: Um.. you know what, I don’t.. I don’t think that that’s, uh.. in the script.

Wesley Jamison: [ pissed ] What did you just say?!

John Actor: I said that, uh.. hey!

[ Jamison charges at John, and the Director has to jump in to end the scuffle ]

Wesley Jamison: Okay! You saw that! He came at me! I’ll sue him! I know people!

Director: Okay! I’m sure you know a lot of people!

Wesley Jamison: Where’s my cigarette?!

Director: Settle down! [ searches for the fallen cigarette ]

Wesley Jamison: [ reaches down to retrieve his cigarette ] Here it is, I got it! [ puts it back in his mouth ]

Director: Yeah, sure, okay..

Wesley Jamison: I hope you didn’t step on it.

Director: Okay. Okay.. Mr. Jamison.. uh.. we’re gonna get you know, into the rigging.. so we can see you fly off to Neverland with Wendy and the boys!

Wesley Jamison: Yeah, no, I’m not.. I’m not doin’ that!

Director: I’m sorry?

Wesley Jamison: The flyin’? I ain’t doin’ it. I got a bad back thing! You know, and, frankly, I think, you know, it comes off a little.. gay.

Director: Alright, but you’re.. you’re Peter Pan. Yuo fly. That’s what you do.

Wesley Jamison: Well, how about instead of flyin’, I just sort of walk around like this.. [ walks with arms flapping ] It’s like I’m flyin’ really low to the ground.. you know, you can’t tell the difference!

Director: You know what? Fantastic! You’re absolutely right, I am wrong! Fantastic! Great.. I think that’s great. And, can I just say, right now.. that I feel.. like this is gonna be the best Pan in southwestern Michigan history!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee: “Peter Pan Opens Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom stage set; Wesley Jamison is still portraying Peter Pan with a cigarette in his mouth ]

Wesley Jamison: Here I go, watch me fly! [ walks around the stage flapping his arms ]

Wendy Actress: He can fly!

John Actor: He can fly!

Michael Actor: Oh, Peter! You’re ever so queer!

Wesley Jamison: [ outraged ] What did you say to me, you little punk?!

[ Jamison enthralls the cast into yet another onstage scuffle ]

[ cut to Director beaming with pride backstage ]

Director: This is fantastic! This is fantastic!

[ Jamison retrieves his fallen cigarette, and the scuffle continues to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Robert De Niro’s Monologue

…..Robert De Niro

Robert De Niro: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! So.. it’s come to this. Thirty years of movies have finally paid off. I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of people have been asking me, “Why are you doing this?” And, I gotta tell ya.. I don’t know. ThEy first asked me to do this in 1975, when it just started. But I don’t like to rush into things, so.. I waited, and here I am.

Some people say, “Ooh, live TV, aren’t you scared?” I’ll be honest with you – no! Some people say that drama is easy, and comedy is hard. Not true. I’ve been making comedies the last couple years, and it’s nice. When you make a drama, you spend all day beating a guy to death with a hammer, or what have you. Or, you have to take a bite out of somebody’s face. On the other hand, with a comedy, you yell at Billy Crystal for an hour, and you go home. Still, I have to admit, I’ve had a pretty good time this week. But after tonight, I don’t know, I might have to rethink it.

Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

McDonald’s Big N’ Tasty

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Voiceover…..Jim Downey

Announcer: McDonald’s new Big N’ Tasty! It’s what you crave! The Big N’ Tasty is a juicy quarter-pound all-beef patty, served with crisp lettuce and tomato on a sesame seed bun!

Jive Voice: Can you taste it?

Announcer: Mmm-hmm! Big and tasty!

Voiceover: In response to pending legal action, the McDonald’s Corporation would like to present the following statement:

[ statements over SUPER ]

“The Big N’ Tasty Sandwich is food.”

“Scientific studies suggest that excessive consumption of food may cause weight gain. In other words, if you stuff your greasy pie hole non-stop, you’re probably going to pork up.”

“The McDonald’s Corporation had previously believed that this was obvious to all but very small children and morons. Since children and morons are valued customers of McDonald’s Corporation, we would like to point out other potential risks that could be associated with the Big N’ Tasty.”

“The Big N’ Tasty is intended to be eaten. Complications may arise from shoving the Big N’ Tasty up your nose. Dropping the Big N’ Tasty from extremely tall buildings may cause the Big N’ Tasty to achieve sufficient terminal velocity, to injure innocent people below.”

“The Big N’ Tasty should not be used as an artificial heart.”

“The McDonald’s Corporation seriously doubts anyone would try this, but, hey, if you didn’t know gorging yourself on hamburgers might turn you fatass, then anything’s possible.”

“According to United States Law, the Big N’ Tasty cannot perform the duties of a Legal Guardian. If you were to go into McDonald’s and say, “Hey, Big N’ Tasty, take care of my kids while I run some errands,” you may face legal action.”

“Theoretically, the Big N’ Tasty could be mistaken for a weapon during a police stand-off.”

“Marriage ceremonies officiated by the Big N’ Tasty are not recognized in any of the contiguous 48 states.”

“The Big N’ Tasty is not God.”

“For questions about any additional use of the Big N’ Tasty – other than eating, please consult our web site.”

Announcer: Come on! It’s big, it’s tast,y and it’s waiting for you at McDonald’s!

Voiceover: For the small children or morons, McDonald’s is the red and yellow restaurant on the highway. Remember to bring money.

Jive Voice: Big N’ Tasty!

SNL Transcripts