Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Cadet Nelly…..Nelly
Cadet Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Queen Bleebora…..Brittany Murphy

[ open on Astronaut Jones walking through a dark cave with his crew, Garrett Morris and Nelly, as they approach a pair of large space rocks ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! My crew and I are deep in the caves of the planet Zorgon. We are completely alone! I don’t think there are any space monsters or aliens.

[ suddenly, the two space rocks come to life, towering over astronaut Jones and his crew ]

Astronaut Jones: Uh-oh! I might have been wrong about that!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
There’s a fair adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! In “Attack of the Zorgons”. With special guests: Nelly and Garrett Morris.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk, Earth! I have to fight the Zorgons. Cadet Nelly, hold my space phone!

Cadet Nelly: I will hold your phone.

Cadet Garrett: Look out, Astronaut Jones!

[ the rock creatures come forward and take their grip on Astronaut Jones ]

[ Queen Bleeblora enters scene, taking full command ]

Queen Bleebora: Release that man! Let go of the Earthling! [ Astronaut Jones is released ] I apologize for these two Zargons.

[ Astronaut Jones and his crew stare laciviously at Queen Bleebora ]

Astronaut Jones: Ah, it ain’t nothing..

Cadet Nelly: Yeah, it’s no big deal..

Queen Bleebora: The men on Zargon..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm.

Cadet Garrett: Mmm.

Queen Bleebora: ..are warlike.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Cadet Nelly: That’s true.

Queen Bleebora: I am Bleebora..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm..

Cadet Nelly: Yes, you are, baby.

Queen Bleebora: ..the Queen of the Zorgons.

Astronaut Jones: God bless your soul!

Queen Bleebora: We have been monitoring your time here on Zargon..

Astronaut Jones: Thank you, Jesus!

Queen Bleebora: And we understand..

Cadet Nelly: Right!

Queen Bleebora: ..that you are a peaceful race.

Cadet Garrett: A 44 double-D!

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm!

Queen Bleebora: We, too, are peace-loving.

Astronaut Jones: Sweet, like bear meat!

Cadet Garrett: You are a piece!

Cadet Nelly: Yes, indeed!

Queen Bleebora: Zargon is rich..

Astronaut Jones: Oooohh, you see that, Cadet Nelly?

Cadet Nelly: Oh, my!

Queen Bleebora: ..in minerals..

Astronaut Jones: Jump on it!

Queen Bleebora: ..and valuable in gemstones..

Cadet Nelly: Uh-huh!

Queen Bleebora: ..that could be of great use to your people.

Astronaut Jones: Serious blockbuster!

Queen Bleebora: And your planet Earth..

Astronaut Jones: Oughtta bust a block, too!

Queen Bleebora: ..has an abundance of sand..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Queen Bleebora: ..which you need to live..

Cadet Nelly: Mmm!

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Queen Bleebora: I believe our two worlds could share and learn from each other.

Astronaut Jones: Dig it!

Cadet Nelly: Love those two worlds!

Queen Bleebora: What do you say to that, Astronaut Jones?

Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you pop out that spacesuit, and let me see those two big, gray space titties!

Cadet Nelly: Show me the boobies!

[ Queen Bleebora looks at the camera in shock ]

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Holly…..Brittany Murphy
D.J. Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers

Jarret: What’s up Everybody it’s me Jarret, Coming to you live from the hall here at Hampshire College. I am so phsyched about my first place finish in the Halloween custome contest. I beat out twelve Martha Stewart’s, three Enron executives, And a 300 pound Asian Frodo Baggins. They were no match for my lead singer of the Counting Crows, Adam Duritz impression. The albino version (singing) Round Here. We have a great show tonight, so give it up for D.J. Jonathan Feinstein. (DJ plays an 80’s selection on keyboard) Dude, what the hell are you doing.

D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: Retro dude, remember the 80’s? Well they’re totally back.

Jarret: Remember the 80’s? What year were you born.

D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: (hseitant) ’84.

Jarret: So which part of the ’80’s are you remembering? The part where you learned to walk, or the part where you stopped eating lunch out of your mom’s boob?

D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: What you talkin’ about, Jarret?

Jarret: Also, please welcome my best friend and roommate, the guy who once made a bong out of another bong, Gobi.

Gobi: (singing) Turkey Bong, Get It On, Turkey Bong Happy Thankgiving!!!!

Jarret: Wow! Gobi that’s a nice pilgrim costume, dude.

Gobi: What! Pilgrim costume?

Jarret: Yeah!

Gobi: I was trying to dress like the dude from Blues Travelar. (Plays harmonica)

Jarret: Pretty good, Dude.

Gobi: Pretty good, right. Dude, you want Turkey Pot Pie?

Jarret: Yeah sure dude.

Gobi: Turkey POT pie! Ha ha ha (pie has pot on it)

Jarret: No thanks man. (Gobi takes a bite) You gotta watch out for Gobi, when he gets around a kitchen he’s nuts. I once went to Thanksgiving dinner at his house and by the time I woke up they were having Christmas dinner.

Gobi: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Jarret: It wasn’t that funny.

Gobi: No it’s not that, I just got the other one – Turkey POT pie. Ha HA HA HA because there’s pot in there and it’s in a pie.

Jarret: It’s your joke.

Gobi: Yeah! It’s a good one, too.

Jarret: Well a lot of people think Thanksgiving is all about turkey and pilgrims and all that stuff, but to me it’s all about stopping to give thanks for all we cherish in life. I for one am thankful for this picture I found of Gobi from his senoir year in high school.

(picture of Gobi as a geek winning on “Jeopardy” is shown)

Together: Ha ha ha ha!

Gobi: Dude that dude’s a dork. Ha ha ha!

Jarret: That’s you.

Gobi: Oh Man!

Jarret: Well our first guest is trying to be the first student in Hampshire College history to graduate in four years, but to do it she needs to take fourteen classes this semester. Normally, I would find that kind of determination kind of hot, but the steady diet of coffee and No Doze has driven her completely insane. Please welcome Holly, everyone.

Holly: Hey Jarret!

(D.J. plays in her to synth version of “Take On Me”)

Jarret: Thanks for coming.

Holly: Thanks for having me. This is your room? It’s so much bigger than mine. Holy moly. Are people watching this right now? Do you have any vitamins, I really need some vitamins, Hey Gobi.

Gobi: How are ya?

Holly: That’s a great Blues Travelar outfit. I really like that.

Gobi: I told you. (plays harmonica)

Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Holly: Oh my god! Oh my god! I am so stressed out right now I could use you guys is it safe to stay up for sixteen straight days in a row. I don’t know, I mean I feel totally fine, but do you think it’s ok.

(Holly’s heart starts beating loudly)

Jarret: Hold on! Is that your heart beating?

Holly: Yeah! Yes it’s really loud isn’t it. Is it really bright in here.

(beating of her heart stops)

Jarret: I, I think it stopped. Hey, Hey!

Holly: (takes a drink) Thats better.

Jarret: Holly, you gotta calm down.

Holly: I totally, totally agree. Oh I almost forgot – a bunch of us are going down to Safeway to protest the barbaric blood drenched ritual known as Thanksgiving. Do you wanna come?

Jarret: Protest Thanksgiving?

Holly: We will not stop untill we free everyone of our feathered brotherans, or as we like to call them, featheran. Meat is murder, Jarret.

Jarret: Holly, you work at Chili’s.

Holly: Yes, I do happen to be employed, but alright hold on (takes a drink) I happen to be employed by the Chili’s foundation, ok and coorperation but that’s it.

Jarret: (singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back

Gobi: (singing) Chili’s Baby Back Ribs

Jarret: Barbeque sauce.

Holly: They think they’re N Sync.

Jarret: Alright that’s all the time we have for today. D.J. Jonathan Feinstein take us out.

(D.J. plays “Cars” on keyboard)

(fade out)

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Goodnights

…..Brittany Murphy

Brittany Murphy: Thank you to Nelly, Kelly Rowland, Adam Sandler, Rob Schnieder, Garret Morris. Thank you everyone. America we love you. Number one.

Submitted by: Anders Samuelson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

TV Funhouse

[ show images of “Jonah” and “Daniel and the Lions” ]

Announcer: It’s an all-new collection of inspirational stories, from your favorite foods of faith.. “The Religetables”.

[ show Religetables graphic ]

[ show scene from story “Jesus and the Lepers”, as Religetable Jesus heals a smooshed vegetable into ripeness ]

Religetables: [ singing ]
“We’re the Religetables!
We always go to church!
It’s a spirit we will
We are the Religetables
We never touch ourself
‘Cause we don’t want to go to Helllllll!”

[ show ear of corn sitting on the toilet jerking off as he ogles Huskler magazine, only to end up on a fiery barbecue pit in Hell ]

Announcer: You’ll get brand new historical tales for the entire family, revealing the awesome power of religion.

[ show scene from “Why Do I Have To Be Circumsized?”, as baby potato has a slice of his peel removed ]

Announcer: Including: The Crusades.

[ show scene from “Holy Crusades” ]

Tomato: “Deus lo volt
God wills it! God wills it!”

Servants: “This war is hope
So we’ll turn the non-believers
into guacamole!”

[ Avocado Christians are mashed into guacamole ]

Announcer: And the Religetables’ Salem Witch Trials.

[ show scene from “Which Way To Salem?”, as Carrot stands with noose around her neck as Broccoli and Yam dance nearby ]

Carrot: I know I must die.. but by my own innocent-

Broccoli & Yam: [ singing ]
“God has a hitch
To right the witch
Without a hitch.
We’ll watch her twitch
And then we’ll pitch
her in a ditch
And it’s a cinch..!”

Broccoli: That doesn’t rhyme.

Yam: Whatever.

Announcer: And a contemporary tale with a multi-cultural flair.

[ show scene from “Hamfi’s Dream”, as a harem of radishes surround the tomato lord ]

Hamfi: [ singing ] “70 virgins..”

Radish Harem: “Are we.. 70 virgins..”

[ Hamfi awakens from his dream, attaches a food processor to himself, and runs around the villarge chopping and dicing vegetable peasants ]

[ cut to breaking news, as Broccoli News Anchor airs footage of a cucumber priest addressing a crowd ]

Broccoli News Anchor: This a Religetables special report. We are looking at a live press conference in Denver, where Father Raphael Walsh is resigning his post, after confessing to sexual abuse. Father Walsh is admitting to having molested at least six gherkins, between the years 1987 and 1996. Father Walsh also admitted to fondling an adolescent mushroom. We now rejoin the scheduled program.

[ cut back to the advertisement ]

[ show scene from “Why Is There Armageddon?”, as a Tomato sits on a slicer in the pits of Hell ]

Tomato: “Armageddon’s finally here!”

[ the tomato is sliced ]

Asparagus: [ running past ] “Arm-a-gettin’ outta here!”

[ pan to reveal can of V-8 leaking into the pits to simulate lava ]

Announcer: The new Religetables. Perfect for Christmas and Halloween!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Donahue

Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Moore…..Jeff Richards
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
Barbra Streisand…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on “Donahue” show on MSNBC ]

[ dissolve to Phil Donahue in his studio, with SUPER: “Is Liberalism Dead?” ]

Phil Donahue: Good evening. Well, the midterm elections have come and gone! And, let’s be honest here – it was a huge win for Republicans. The economy may be in shambles, but our president had the answer: “Let’s invade Iraq!” And, ohhhh booooyy, did we bite! No debate! no dissent! It was “Rally ’round the flag, boys, in my country, right or wrong, and I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, and mom and dad and apple pie, and Tippecanoe and Tyler, too, and we’re the toughest kid on the block, and I see London, I see France, and milk, milk, lemonade, the other side’s where fudge comes out!” And, meanwhile.. our seniors are eating paper towels.. because they can’t afford prescription drugs! More kids were shot in our schools last year than all the schools in Spain, and tonight 4% of of our fellow Americans.. are.. in.. prison. Michael Moore is with us!

Michael Moore: Hi, Phil.

Phil Donahue: He’s a best-selling author, political activist and filmmaker, whose most recent work is “Bowling For Columbine”. Michael, you saw the election results. Americans are moving to the right! And they want us liberals to just shut up and stop spoiling all the fun!

Michael Moore: I don’t know about that..

Phil Donahue: I mean, we are the ants of the picnic. We are the rain on the parade. We are the you-know-what in the punchbowl.

Michael Moore: Not true!

Phil Donahue: Ohhh, let’s face it – we’re one huge bummer! Phil Donahue, that peace intellectualist.

Michael Moore: Nobody things that!

Phil Donahue: And Michael Moore, the scruffy, unwashed, sweatyy, overweight rabble-rouser. I mean, people just don’t like us much.

Michael Moore: I don’t know.. I think people like me.. and.. and, for the record, I.. I do bathe..

Phil Donahue: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! How often?

Michael Moore: Uh.. it varies, uh.. about every ten days or so.. But, this election..

Phil Donahue: Its just a shower? Or a bath? Or..?

Michael Moore: A Mexican shower.

Phil Donahue: And, for our viewers, a Mexian shower is?

Michael Moore: Uh.. I stand over the sink and wash my face and armpits, uh.. But, about last week’s election – you had..

Phil Donahue: And after your Mexican shower, do you put on clean clothes, or the dirty clothes you had on.

Michael Moore: The clothes I had on.

Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. And do you ever wash your clothes?

Michael Moore: Well, uh.. every year or so, I go up another size and I get new clothes, so I.. I never really have to.

Phil Donahue: I see.

Michael Moore: But, Phil, I don’t think the American people care about our hygiene. They came to hear our ideas..

Phil Donahue: Alright, then, let me show you a very disturbing statistic. These are the three lowest rated shows on prime-time cable. Do we have that? [ graphic of ratings appears ] And, sadly, here we are, this show, the second lowest rated, with slightly more viewers than “Eye Surgery with Dr. Elliot Ladell”, but still less than “The Black Israelites”.

Michael Moore: Wow..

Phil Donahue: And, for our viewers, I should point out that this show is actually less than the margin of error in the ratings system itself!

Michael Moore: Thank God.

Phil Donahue: In other words, there is no real evidence that anyone watches this show! Not enough one person! And that tells me that Americans have heard the progressive message, and they’re.. just.. not.. buying. Rev. Sharpton, are you there!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Hello, Phil.

Phil Donahue: I’m sure our audience needs no introduction to the Rev. Al Sharpton. Reverend, you’ve seen the ratings, and I’m sure you’ll agree that this show has essentially no audience! What do you make of that?

Rev. Al Sharpton: People don’t like you!

Phil Donahue: Alright, Reverend, I want to continue with that, right after this word from the people who pay the bills! We’ll be back.

[ show graphic: “Advertise Your Product Here: 212-555-0189” ]

[ dissolve back to “Donahue” ]

Phil Donahue: I am more than a little proud.. to say we have been joined, from her home in Malibu, by my good friend, the beautiful and ageless Barbra Streisand.

[ show a blurry Barbra Streisand via satellite ]

Barbra Streisand: Hi, Phil.

Phil Donahue: Our viewers will be interested to know it was from Ms. Streisand’s web site that we first learned 40% of our fellow Americans are in prison, and.. I thank you.

Barbra Streisand: Actually, Phil, I’m told those numbers are inaccurate, sowe’re.. we’re fixing that.

Phil Donahue: You know, when I first saw 40%, it did seem high. That would be about 120 million people, and I doubt there’s that many Americans in prison by now.

Barbra Streisand: I said we’re correcting it, what do you want from me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, actually, Phil, if anything, those numbers are too low.

Barbra Streisand: Well, if you’re sure, Al, I’ll just leave it as is.

Phil Donahue: In the meantime, Barbra, how do you interpret the ratings for this show?

Barbra Streisand: [ quickly ] People don’t enjoy watching you.

Phil Donahue: Uh-huh?

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. uh.. Phil, could I say something?

Phil Donahue: Rev. Sharpton, hang on! I promise, we’re gonna get back to you! right after this!

[ dissolve to promo showing Donahue running through a practically-empty studio filled only with a couple of derelicts ]

Announcer: Monday on “Donahue”: Phil goes on the road to Kansas City for a town meeting you don’t want to miss. Kids, guns, and cugarettes. “Donahue”. This Monday.[ dissolve back to “Donahue” ]

Phil Donahue: Rev. Sharpton, you had a point. Quickly, we’re almost out of time!

Uh.. people don’t like you!

Phil Donahue: Anything else?

Rev. Al Sharpton: No. That’s it.

Phil Donahue: Final comments? Anyone?

[ none ]

Phil Donahue: Alllllright. As always, a spirited discussion. Thnks to our guests. Keep watching. “Hardball” is next!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

The Royal Scandal

C-Span Voiceover…..Jim Downey
Paul Burrell…..Seth Meyers
Maria Burrell…..Rachel Dratch

[ SUPER: “Coming up: Scandal continues to rock the British Royal Family” ]

C-Span Voiceover: Moments from now, Mr. Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s former butler, will appraoching the podium in front of us. He’ll be reading a statement addressing his trial and.. the more recent allegations of his homosexual affair with an Australian antiques dealer. Here he is now. Mr. Burrell is approaching the podium, and, at his side, is.. his “wife” Maria.

[ Paul Burrell stands in front of his podium looking rather foppish, his stone-faced ife Maria standing quietly beside him ]

Paul Burrell: Before all of this, we were a happy, normal family, just getting on with our lives. We’ve been to Hell and back, and no one, to this day, has said, “I’m sorry.” I would like to thank my wife Maria, for her restraint and dignity throughout this whole charade. Her ability to support me has been positively mascu-lean. Excuse me.

C-Span Voiceover: Burrell is wearing a dark Savile row suit.

Paul Burrell: I’ve been particularly appalled by the way the media has tried to tarnish my reputation with rumors of homosexual affairs. Excuse me. [ pauses to take a sip of water ]

C-Span Voiceover: In his lapel, he wears a red orchid.

Paul Burrell: What Greg Peed and I had was the same, normal heterosexual relationship that you would expect any butler and antiques dealer to have.

C-Span Voiceover: His tie is orange, with pink teal and yellow stripes trimmed in Ocher. Hmm..

Paul Burrell: I feel that this whole escapade might draw attention away from the Diana I remember: elegant, graceful, sensational.

C-Span Voiceover: Burrell’s “wife”, Maria, is wearing a pinstripe suit, kind of like what a dude would wear.

Paul Burrell: I, myself, will never forget where I was that fateful night. I was at a dance club – Crystal Waters was booming – when all came to a sudden halt! Through the sound system we heard Twilanda saying, “Girls, she’s gone.. the princess is gone, y’all..” [ fights to suppress a tear ]

Maria Burrell: [ snapping ] Come on, Paul! For Heaven’s sake! Pull yourself together!

Paul Burrell: The disco bal kept turning that night,.. but the world, for me, came to a stop!

C-Span Voiceover: Among Burrell’s many responsibilities, one was to pick out sizzling, dynamite, entrance-making gowns for the princess. Pretty gay, right?

Paul Burrell: So, in conclusion, I look forward to the day I can return to a normal life, with my lovely wife.

C-Span Voiceover: Sure, you do.

Paul Burrell: Thank you for your time.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Song III

…The Driedels
…Adam SandIer
…Rob Schneider

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, The Driedels.

The Driedels: “Blow your harmonica, it’s time for Hanukkah,
once again it’s Hanukkah, the miracle of Hanukkah…”

Adam Sandler: Thank you. It’s incredible to be back here. Let’s go.

“Hanukkah is
the festival of lights;
One day of presents?
Hell no, we get the eight crazy nights!
But if you still feel like the only kid in town
without a Christmas tree,
I guess my first two songs didn’t do it for you,
so here comes number three!

Ross and Phoebe from “Friends”
say the Hanukkah blessing,
So does Lenny’s pal Squiggy
and “Will and Grace”‘s Debra Messing!
Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mixed meat with dairy,
Maybe they should have called that show
“Little Kosher House on the Prairie”!
We got Jerry Lewis,
Ben Stiller, and Jack Black,
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism,
but you guys can have him back!
(Just kidding.)

We may not get to kiss
underneath the mistletoe,
But we can do it all night long
with Deuce Bigalow!

Rob Schneider: I’m Jewish!

Adam Sandler: “Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah…

Rob Schneider: “The guy in Willie Nelson’s band who plays harmonica celebrates Hanukkah!

Adam Sandler: Tiny Elvis, ladies and gentlemen! Tiny El Skris! Schneider, I did not know you were Jewish.

Rob Schneider: I’m a Filipino Jew. In fact, I have to go home and light the first pig.

Adam Sandler: Get going.

“Osama bin Laden…

The Driedels: BOO!

Adam Sandler: “Not a big fan of the Jews!
Well maybe that’s because he lost the figure skating match
to gold medalist Sarah Hughes!
(Her mama’s Jewish.)
Houdini and David Blaine escape straightjackets
with such precision,
but one thing they could not get out of…
Their painful circumcision!
Gwyneth Paltrow’s half-Jewish,
But a full-time Oscar winner,
Jennifer Connelly’s half-Jewish too,
And I’d like to put more in her!
There’s Lou Reed, Perry Farrell,
Beck, and Paula Abdul,
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music,
but first came Hebrew school!
Hey!

Gotta live for Hanukkah
It’s time to celebrate Hanukkah,
I hope I get an Ab-tronica
On this joyful, joyful Hanukkah,
So get a high Colonica
And soil your long johnnakahs
If you really, really wannakah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy,
happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah!”

Happy holidays, everybody! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 16th, 2002

Brittany Murphy

Nelly

None

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

Kelly Rowland

Garrett Morris
Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Song IIISummary: Adam Sandler performs his third incarnation of the popular “Chanukah Song”, with help from the Dreidels and Rob Schneider.

Note: In the dress rehearsal version, which has been edited into repeats, Rob Schneider dons a blonde wig and remains on stage for the entire song.

Transcript

Montage

Brittany Murphy’s MonologueSummary: Brittany Murphy espouses SNL trivia unto the audience: the West Coast cast members and the East Coast cast members have a long-standing rivalry, which they finally settle via an “8 Mile”-style rap-off.

Transcript

“Welcome Back, Potter”Summary: In a new sitcom debuting this Fall, a grown-up Harry Potter (Will Forte) will come back to teach at the now-downtrodden Hogwart’s Castle.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.

Transcript

The Leather ManSummary: The Leather Man (Jimmy Fallon) talks an attractive customer (Brittany Murphy) into a pair of leather snakeskin pants, while Choo-Choo (Horatio Sanz) is the unfortunate victim of a snake bite.

Recurring Characters: Leather Man, Choo-Choo.

Transcript

DonahueSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) is distraught that no one is watching his show, even as the likes of Michael Moore (Jeff Richards) and Barbra Streisand (Maya Rudolph) offer explanations.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue, Michael Moore, Rev. Al Sharpton, Barbra Streisand.

Note: In a promo for his next show, Donahue walks amongst nearly-empty audience seats in Studio 6-H, where “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” is filmed.

Transcript

Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) gab with an overpsyched co-ed (Brittany Murphy) who wants to protest the killing of turkeys at Thanksgiving.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.

Transcript

Burrell’s StatementSummary: Princess Di’s butler, Paul Burrell (Seth Meyers), can’t hide his gay tendancies.

Transcript

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott JoplinSummary: Scott Joplin (Maya Rudolph) hassles Anna Kournikova (Brittany Murphy).

Recurring Characters: Scott Joplin.

Transcript

Nelly & Kelly Rowland perform “Dilemma”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) can’t stay focused on her drinking study commentary. Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) and David Gest (Chris Kattan) comment on the cancellation of their reality show.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl, Liza Minelli, David Gest.

Transcript

Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan), Garrett Morris and Nelly enjoy goggling a buxom space creature (Brittany Murphy).

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Religetables”, which brings spirituality into the Vegi-Tales world.

Transcript

My Big Thick NovelSummary: Jack Handey recalls slipping out of arm’s length while square dancing.

Transcript

Nelly performs “Hot In Herre”

The Girl With No GaydarSummary: Nicole (Rachel Dratch) fails to realize that a lesbian sculptist (Brittany Murphy) is hitting on her.

Recurring Characters: Nicole.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5


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02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, how you doing! I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s stories!

This week, for the first time in fifty years, Republicans have taken control of the House, the Senate, and the Presidency, leaving the Democratic Party in shambles. It’s the end of the Clinton-Gore era, people – Elvis really has left the building!

Much of the Republicans’ success is due to President Bush, who made campaign appearances in fifteen states in five days. This is the hardest Bush has worked since that time he tried to walk home from Mardi Gras.

Elizabeth Dole claimed victory on Election Day, with a big win in the North Carolina Senate race, beating Democrat Erskine Bowles. Bowles said he will now focus on his other lifetime goal, finding a tiny bike license plate that says “Erskine”.

Former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris was elected to the House of Representatives Tuesday. Voters said they chose Katherine Harris because, [ hick accent ] “I dun seen her on my TV box before, I’m gonna vote for her!”

Jeb Bush’s victory in Florida avoided a potential embarrassment for his brother George and the G.O.P., which spent upwards of $30 million on his campaign, most of which appears to have gone towards snacks.

A rare bright spot for Democrats was the victory of 78-year old former Sen. Frank Loutenburg, who stepped in at the last minute for Robert Torcelli, and will now return to the Senate, most likely in a Jazzy.

A new pediatric report says that gastric bypass surgery for obesity, once viewed as suitable only for adults, is emerging as an option for children. Fat, lazy children.

It was announced this week that Red Lobster will open a restaurant in Times Square next year. Finally, just like the old days, you’ll be able to go down to Times Square and get crabs.

In a stirring victory for the U.S. legal system in Los Angeles this week, prosecutors finally convicted this country’s most dangerous criminal. [ show Winona Ryder ] We can all sleep soundly tonight, my fellow Americans. We can all sleep soundly tonight.

Singer Bobby Brown was arrested early Thursday in Atlanta, and charged with possession of marijuana, speeding, no proof of insurance, and no driver’s license. He’s still got it!

At a James Bond trivia contest, held in Times Square last weekend, “Sopranos” star Jamie Lynn Sigler beat out Robert Wuhl to win a watch from Pierce Brosnan. Spectators at the event said, “What the hell are we doing here?”

This week, the spacecraft Galileo ended its thirteen-year mission, and NASA has decided to crash the unmanned ship into Jupiter for disposal. In the best-case scenario, Galileo will harmlessly blow up while entering Jupiter’s atmosphere. The worst-case scenario? Jupiter will launch a war of terror against Earth.

[ cut to Tina Fey standing in front of a sonar device ]

Tina Fey: Scientists at the Georgia Institute of Technology have developed a security system that uses sonar to identify people by the way they walk. Weekend Update has obtained the device, and we are going to test it out right now. Jimmy, are you ready?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah, I’m ready. Uh.. okay, we’re gonna go see if this device can identify people by the way they walk. Here we go.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine in a jive motion ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “George Jefferson” ]

Tina Fey: Yep! George Jefferson! That’s right! Try another one.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay.

[ Jimmy does a spin as he crosses the machine ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Michael Stipe” ]

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s right! Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, uh.. let’s see if they can get this one.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine in a haggard fashion ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Nick Nolte” ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Anna Nicole Smith” ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Ozzy Osbourne” ]

Tina Fey: Nick Nolte, yeah.. it’s a little confused on that one, it’s still very good, though. Try one more.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I’m gonna try this one..

[ Jimmy walks across the machine waving his arms wildly ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Tina Fey” ]

Tina Fey: What?! I don’t walk like that! This thing’s broken. I’m going back to the desk.

[ Tina walks across the machine waving her arms wildly ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Tina Fey” ]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think it seems to be working. It seems fine to me. This is crazy.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine normally ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Stupid A**hole” ]

[ cut to Tina back at the news desk ]

Tina Fey: The cover of People magazine this week features a picture of Al Roker in a picture of his old pants, demonstrating how he lost 100 pounds. I know what Al is going through. In the last year, I’ve gained 400 pounds. [ holds up a tiny pair of pants ]

The first season of “Felicity” is out on DVD this week. Fans who waited online for over 24 hours to buy the DVD didn’t really have to, because there were no lines.

An advertising company in London is using dogs to carry around ads. This makes London the only place in the world where you can see a McDonald’s ad sniffing a Wendy’s ad’s balls.

This week, NBC bought the Bravo Network, which may start airing reruns of their shows on the cable network. Hopefully, that will include this program, because you just don’t see enough “SNL” reruns on cable, do you?

Tina Fey: And now, joining us is our very own Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Tina. Well, it’s a special night for me – it’s my ten-year high school reunion tonight. Obviously, I can’t go, and I’m pretty disappointed because I’m on TV now, I have this awesome job, and, to be honest, I wasn’t that cool in high school.

Tina Fey: Wow. I find that really easy to believe.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you, Tina.. but it’s true. Anyway, since I can’t go, I thought it would be nice if I had the chance to have my half of the conversations I would have had if I had been there. So.. here goes.

[ dance lights appear behind Seth, as “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” plays in the background ]

Hey, what’s going on, Nelson! Good to see you, man! Alright, looking good! Hey, anybody know if Megan LaRocca’s coming? You know her – super hot, used to ignore me? Alright, cool. Yeah, yeah, no thanks, man, I’m not drinking tonight! Hey! Hey, man, how’s it going! Am I still gay? I never was gay. Everybody? Who’s everybody? Two Amstel Lites, please.

[ “I Like Big Butts” plays in the background ]

Hiiii! Well, if it isn’t glory boy quarterback Doug Stradley! Good to see you, man. Yeah, I guess I’m doing okay – I’m on TV now! [ twists his arm behind his back ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Come on! Ow! [ knocks his hand into his head ] I’m not hitting myself! You’re making me hit myself! I’m not gonna say that! Because I’m twenty-eight years- I’m a girl! I’m a girl! Gimme a shot of Jaeger. Hey, is Megan LaRocca coming or not?! What can I say, man? SNL’s a crazy life. I mean, it’s really long hours, and there’s so much pressure.. What do you do? Brain surgeon? Right. So you know what I’m talking about.. I’ll take a bottle of Chiviz with a straw!

[ “Unbelievable” plays in the background ]

Whooooo!! I love this song! Whoo! Yeah, huh? Yeah, huh? Yeah, Tina Fey’s amazing! We hang out all the time!

[ Tina Fey leans into frame to wave her hands to deny Seth’s statement ]

Seth Meyers: Whoo! Alright, whoo! Go Blue Knights! Alright, whoo! Hey, has anyone seen Megan LaRocca?! I am trying to hook up with Megan LaRocca because I’m on TV! Hey! Get off me, dude!

[ soft song begins to play ]

Dad..? I need you to come pick me up..? No, the football team has my shoes.. and I have a little bit of throw-up on me! Yeah.. I know “MadTV” is on.. I don’t know, tape it! You signed a SAC contract with me! Honor it! Honor the contract! Megan LaRocca? I never stopped thinking about you! Wow.. you’re as big as a house.. I’m on TV.. and, yes.. I would love to do it with you..

Happy ten-year West High!

Tina Fey: Seth Meyers, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

La Femme Day Spa

Sonia…..Nia Vardalos
Patron…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, La Femme Day Spa ]

[ dissolve to interior, spa room, where Sonia awaits as her Patron enters ]

Patron: Hi, uh.. I have an eleven o’clock appointment with Sonia?

Sonia: [ chipper ] Hell-oooo! I am Sonia! What you have waxed?

Patron: Oh.. uh.. just bikini.

Sonia: Okay, baby. Take off pants, hops on the table.

[ Patron removes her pants and climbs on the table, private parts hidden by a row of shampoo bottles on the table in front ]

Sonia: Ohhhh.. this is your first time waxing?

Patron: Uh.. no. No, it’s not.

Sonia: [ looking ] Hmm.. hmm.. You wait too long in between.

Patron: Oh.. I-I-I was here a week ago.

Sonia: Nooooooo! Who did you?

Patron: Uh.. I had the other girl, um.. Magda?

Sonia: No no no no. You don’t go to Magda, she is no good. You come to me! How many fingers you want?

Patron: What?

Sonia: How wide the landing strip? you want Brazilian?

Patron: No.. no, no.. um.. just American is fine.

Sonia: Okay, please. You put your leg here.. and other leg here. [ positions Patron as needed, begins to apply the wax ] Okay.. okay..

[ Sonia pulls the strips, as Patron repeatedly “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s to the varying degrees of pain from having her hairs yanked by the strips ]

Sonia: So stubborn! Oh, move leg. No, like this. [ spreads Patron’s legs apart ] Oh! you have children?

Patron: Uh.. no.. why?

Sonia: [ a beat, as she holds the spread legs in place ] Never mind.

[ Sonia pulls more strips, as Patron continue to scream out her “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s ]

Sonia: Okay, this part gonna hurt a little bit.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, I go a little more in.

Patron: Oh, no, no, no! That’s plenty! That’s plenty!

Sonia: Aww, for your husband. For your husband!

Patron: Uh.. I don’t have a husband.

Sonia: [ a beat ] I make room for one.

Patron: You don’t have to go too far in.. it’s-it’s not even bathing suit weather, or anything..

Sonia: Please, honey. If you go to a house, and the grass is very high, and the weeds growing everywhere, you say, “Ahhhh, that is a crazy person’s house!” And you run away! I don’t want you to have a crazy house!

Patron: Okay..

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, finished.

Patron: Oh, thank God!

Sonia: Turn over.

Patron: What?

Sonia: I’m going to do the back.

Patron: Uh, no, no.. maybe, let’s just skip the back.

Sonia: What? What are you going to do, you got a bunny rabbit tail thing back there. A little furry rabbit tail. Come on, turn over.

Patron: Oh, brother.. [ turns over ]

Sonia: Okay.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: It’s like I can’t even make a dent! [ pulls a strip ] You are Hungarian?

Patron: No.

Sonia: Russian?

Patron: No. I’m half-English, half-Irish.

Sonia: No, no, no.. you ask your mother, she will tell you you are adopted! [ pulls a strip ] No English lady is this hairy.

Patron: Are we done yet?

Sonia: You pay double, okay?

Patron: Really? Is it that bad?

Sonia: Honey, you got Robin Williams’ forearms in your panties.

Patron: Don’t say that!

Sonia: Don’t be embarrassed.

Patron: But..

Sonia: I fix for you, but it’s going to take a long time, okay, Sasquatch?

[ Sonia continues pulling strips, as Patron continues to cream in agony ]

[ dissolve to exterior, the strips and screams continue ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts