Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Pete Van Bleet…..Sen. John McCain
Mr. Banglion…..Horatio Sanz
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon

Megan: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for Wake Up Wakefield. Fun facts and important information for the student of San Jose. It’s 7:55 and we are live from the audio/visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey

Megan: As always, we’re joined by Jazz Times Ten.

Sheldon: Scott Abasion, you blew my mind, dog. No wonder you went to districts. (Kid plays trumpet)

Megan: Great. Well, as you can see, me and Sheldon are geared up for today’s Halloween festivities. Sheldon, I like your costume. Who are you supposed to be?

Sheldon: I’m PBS interviewer, Charlie Rose. You guys should check him out, he blows Letterman away.

Megan: And I’m a hula girl. See, (stands up and gestures) this means “peaceful morning”, and this means “beautiful ocean”, and this means “Randy Goldman is my boyfriend and we’re full-on making out.” (makes out with invisible Randy Goldman)

Sheldon: Alright, um, our guest today teaches 7th grade visual arts. And even though his name is Mr. Van Bleet, he lets us all call him Pete. Please welcome, Pete Van Bleet. (entrance music, Pete Van Bleet enters)

Pete Van Bleet: What’s up, little dudes? Your costumes are outta sight.

Megan: Hey, thanks. My dad made me wear this shirt under it, so boys don’t get the wrong idea.

Pete Van Bleet: (to Sheldon) Who are you supposed to be?

Sheldon: I’m Charlie Rose.

Pete Van Bleet: I love Charlie Rose.

Sheldon: Did you see him last night? He really got Harrison Ford to open up.

Megan: Well, Mr. Van Bleet is our favorite teacher. One time, he let our class splatter paint all over each other. It was weird, but awesome.

Pete Van Bleet: Yea, man. It was Jackson Pollock freak out Friday.

Sheldon: Yea, I called it Sheldon’s Mom’s freak out Friday, because when I got paint in the front seat of her new Volvo, she freaked out.

Megan: So, Pete, what have you brought for us today?

Sheldon: Cause she leases it, and when we turn it in, there could be some serious penalties.

Megan: Woah, ok. Pete, I hear you brought us some interesting jack o’ lanterns.

Pete Van Bleet: These aren’t jack o’ lanterns. They’re abstract o’ lanterns! There ain’t no fascist right wing law that says you have to carve the same thing every year. (cart with 4 “abstract o’ lanterns” is wheeled on) Use your imagination! I carved these pumpkins into the original line up of Steely Dan.

Megan: Wow, Pete, that’s rad.

Sheldon: That’s a dead-on Donald Fagan.

Mr. Banglion: Hey kids!

Megan: Hey Mr. Banglion.

Mr. Banglion: Sorry to interrupt…

Sheldon: Hey Mr. B.

Mr. Banglion: Hello Mr. Van Bleet. You parked your VW bus diagonally across two parking spaces again.

Pete Van Bleet: Oh, sorry man, I spaced out.

Mr. Banglion: Yea, well, Ms. Blouchard had to park all the way around back and she has water ankles.

Pete Van Bleet: I’ll make it up to her. Is she into sand art?

Mr. Banglion: I don’t know. Hey kids, whatter those?

Megan: They’re Steely Dan o’ Lanterns.

Pete Van Bleet: I’m trying to get the estudiantes to use their imaginations! I use my imagination every day!

Mr. Banglion: Yea, your hair and clothes reek of your imagination, Pete. You might wanna restrict yourself to using your imagination just on the weekends. Bye kids.

Pete Van Bleet: Hey, I’m tenured man. I’m so tenured.

Megan: Bye Mr. B.

Pete Van Bleet: Fascist.

Megan: Ok, now it’s time for today’s hot topic, are we too old to trick or treat this year?

Sheldon: Um, well, last year, there was a pretty big problem in my neighborhood with people getting pushed into the hedges. Specifically, people who are dressed as peanut M&M’s, and weren’t expecting it because their costume limited their perifial vision. So, I’m just gunna lay low this year.

Megan: Yea, me too. I heard Randy Goldman and his crazy friends are going around TP’ing people’s yards, but I’ll be home all night, so he better not try my house, which is 1008 Hillside Avenue even though he probably will because there are so many trees perfect for TP’ing.

Randy Goldman: (entering) Hey, Pete, we need you in the art room. Uh, Joey Bradford just ate tempered paint. (Megan starts fidgeting)

Pete Van Bleet: Oh man, we’re gunna have to talk him down. I’m gunna need some Vitamin B, some orange juice, and some Almond Brothers records.

Megan: (standing) Oh, hey, uh, Randy. Uh, hows are you going? (winces)

Randy Goldman: Oh, hey Megan. Nice coconuts. (exits)

Megan: Randy Goldman knows my name.

Sheldon: That’s all the time we have.

Megan: Randy Goldman knows my name.

Sheldon: Signing off, I am Charlie Rose, AKA, Sheldon.

Megan: He-he got my name right!!

Sheldon: It’s cause those coconuts look like boobs. (Pause) Jazz Times Ten, take us out.

(exit music)

Submitted by: Amelita L.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Okay, the top story tonight: Saddam Hussein re-elected himself President of Iraq this week, and he claims the election results were 11 million to 0, with 1005 turnout. So, first of all: eugh, he voted for himself; and, secondly: really, Saddam? 100% voter turnout? Nobody overslept and forgot to vote, in the whole country? Nobody ate some bad lamb the night before, and got a bad case of the hajij and couldn’t get up all day? Nobody had to work a double-shift at the smallpox factory? Really? Good for you. Then, on Thursday, North Korea admitted that they have also been secretly developing nuclear weapons, but we’re gonna handle that problem diplomatically. So, why are we handling North Korea differently than Iraq? Because they’re two very different guys. Anyone with kids will tell that you discipine your younger child much differently than you discipline your older, North Korean child, who has a nuclear bomb. And don’t forget – Saddam Hussein tried to kill George Bush’s dad. Don’t underestimate how much that would piss you off if that were you, okay? Saddam tried to kill his dad. People have turned into superheroes over less, right? So, in conclusion, who should solve the North Korean problem? How about any country but us? France, you’ve got a lot of opinions – go over there. You’ll love North Korea, it’s completely devoid of Jews! alright? Come on, France; less talk, more rock. Back to you, Jimmy.

Saddam Hussein was indeed declared the winner, Wednesday, or Iraq’s election, winning a reported 100% of the vote. Once more, on Thursday, viewers unanimously voted him “Iraqi Idol”.

Jimmy Fallon: We actually have an audio recording of the song he sang – can we play the tape of Saddam on “Iraqi Idol”?

[ supposed recording of Saddam Hussein singing is played ]

Jimmy Fallon: Alright, you can shut the tape off, now. You can shut the tape off, thanks.

Bombardia Transportation introduced, this week, its new Jet-Train, a locomotive that is powered by a jet engine. That’s right, folks – it’s Jet Train, the new form of transportation that combines the danger of flying with the poor safety record of trains.

Pope John Paul celebrated his 24th anniversary as Pontiff by praying for the strength to continue his job, or, at least, a lighter hat.

CBS News announced this week a new format – a new host for “The Early Show”. And, to insure higher ratings, CBS is renaming it “CSI: The Early Show”.

Tina Fey: Scientists have identified an enzyme in onions that makes people tear up, which is the first step in creating genetically-modified onions that don’t make people cry. Hey, guys – AIDS! There’s still a lot of people dying of AIDS! Put the onion thing on the back burner, and cure AIDS!

jimmy Fallon: On the first episode of the VH-1 reality show about Liza Minelli and her husband David Guest, it will feature a dinner with 50 of their closest friends. On the menu is Minelli’s favorite meal – pills.

Tina Fey: It’s an honor to have Sen. John McCain on the show tonight, but, according to network policy, you must give equal time to a member of another political party. So, with us now, to share some of his political views, is senatorial candidate Tim Calhoun.

Tim Calhoun: [ meekly ] I’m Tim Calhoun. And I’m running for the office of Senator. A lot of people don’t know who Tim Calhoun is. So I’m going to tell you who Tim Calhoun is, and why I think Tim Calhoun should be the next senator.

I, Tim Calhoun, am.. nice.. [ flips index card ] ..trustworthy.. genuine.. likes music.. dances.. [ very quietly ] ..aggressive. [ flips index card ] I have used a lot of some drugs, and some not at all. Mainly pot and beer. But a little bit of cocaine. I’m real sorry about that cocaine. But there are times when I feel like partying and staying up realy late.. and cocaine can relaly help you do that. [ flips index card ] I am not married. So muy sexual history is not relevant. But, if you must know, I had some babies. Mainly by black ladies. But some by white. And a China baby. [ flips index card ] I love whales. But they have to go. So I’m going to organize a whaling party that will not stop until all whales are dead. [ flips index card ] America needs another big lake.

In conclusion, and in summary, you can’t spell “America” without “Tim Calhoun”. And the letters R, E, and A. The End.

Tina Fey: Tim Calhoun for Senator, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: [ over picture of Robert Downey, Jr. and his latest date ] In entertainment news, Robert Downey, Jr. appears to be dating.. me, in drag. I hope that works out for them/us.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will reportedly get married next month at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. The couple is registered at the Center for Disease Control.

In Little Rock, California this week, rescuers took three hours to free a horse named Budweiser that fell into a tank of human waste. As a result, the horse had to be renamed Natural Lite.

Tina Fey: In her 130th day aboard the international space station, American astronaut Peggy Whitson said that her tastes have changed while in space, and she no longer wants the forty shrimp meals she brought along. Hey, Peggy? Do you want to keep letting women be astronauts? Yeah? Shut up, and eat the shrimp!

And finally tonight, a Michigan Man was arrested for indecent exposure after his neighbors witnessed him having sex with a pumpkin. What’s most disturbing is that it was anal sex.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Decision 2002: Iraqi State News

Pervez Al-Huwayeh…..Chris Parnell
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh…..Maya Rudolph
Omar Bakeesh….. Fred Armisen
Tariq Al-Darwesh…..Seth Meyers
Rasheed Al-Mulakh…..Chris Kattan
Saddam Hussein…..Horatio Sanz

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Hello, and welcome back to continuing coverage of the 2002 Iraqi Presidential Election. Whooo! We have a wild one our hands tonight, and so far it shows few signs of settling down.

Let us go now to the map. So, it is still early, but with thirty-twopercent of the precincts reporting it looks as though the provinces in red will be going to Saddam Hussein, Glorious Liberator and Defender of the Revolution. And in blue, you see the areas going to the opposition… And in green you see the villages that will be razed to the ground [blue province changes to green, accompanied by a chime sound].

Anyway, as of 10:25 Iraqi Standard Time, with thirty-four percent of the precincts reporting an estimated 99.37% of the electorate belongs to Saddam Hussein, Luminous Warrior and Scourge To The Yankee Running Dogs. And 0.03% of the electorate… go with God.

Here to help me explain the situation is esteemed presidential historian and commentator Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh. Daljit, nice to have you back.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Pervez, a pleasure as always.

Wow, what a roller-coaster ride. First of all, let me say that in all my years of watching Iraqi elections I have never *not* seen an election like this one.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Here, here… But the 0.03, what is *that*?

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Well, first Pervez, you have to remember that for Saddam Hussein — may his name be whispered with lasting reverence — this is a new election, the political landscape has changed a lot since 1995. Look at the opposition: I mean, Saddam is running against, well, nobody, but the Nobody he faces this year is much a tougher Nobody than the Nobody he faced in ’95.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Oh man, oh my gosh, so this is a real camel-derby here, and that accounts for all the blue on the map?

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Well, Pervez, here is my suspicion: the ballots being used this year are a little confusing.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Okay, okay, walk us through it.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Okay, see, here is the box for Saddam…

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: …He Whose Benevolence Spreads Like a Milk Through the Tigris Valley…

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: …yes, the Sturdy Bridegroom of the IraqiState, yes, the one and only — ah, but there is a box marked ‘No’ here…

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Okay, okay… see, already you have *lost* me.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Okay, okay… I’ll explain it in more detail. See, marking this box is a vote *for* Saddam, and marking *this* box means, ‘No, I am *not* voting for Saddam.’

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Once again, [waving hand over head] whoosh! I am *very* confused, I do not envy those voters out there at the polls. Actually, I am just getting word that earlier today that two of these ‘No’ votes were cast by secret ballot.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: That’s right, Pervez, cast by secret ballot in Saddam’s home village of Tikrit by Omar Bakeesh and Tariq Al-Darwesh.

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: We go now to Rasheed Al-Mulakh in Tikrit, who’s trying to get an interview with the two ‘No’ voters. Rasheed?

Rasheed Al-Mulakh: Yes, Pervez! I’m here in the village of Tikrit, where two men have realy gotten things “shaken up!”

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: So, Rasheed, can we get an interview with the two ‘No’ voters?

Rasheed Al-Mulakh: No, no! Hahaha, they are [making air-quotes]*unavailable*! Hahaha…

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: [chuckling] Fantastic! And with those latestdevelopments in Tikrit, I am now receiveing word that Saddam Hussein, He Whose Loins Yeild Unto Us a Legion, has secured 100 percent of the electorate.

Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: [makes trilling vocalizations]

Pervez Al-Huwayeh: We go now live to the Mosul Palace for the acceptance speech.

Saddam Hussein: [laughing] Yay! HAHAHAHA! Thank you! Thank you so much, YEAH! We did it, ahhhhhh! [shoots rifle in air, then hands it to subordinate] Whoooooooo! Alright… Thank you to the guys in Starship — oh, my God, what a great campaign song, whooo-boy!

This… whoa, this is unexpected, this is a *real* surprise. Oh man, Ishould have *prepared* something. Okay… Oh, I have so many people tothank… My Death Squads, where are you guys? Heyyyyyy, hahahaha… Ahhh, I couldn’t have done it without you guys.

Y’know, a lot of people said we couldn’t win this, and to them I say:LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Submitted by: Amanda

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

My Big Thick Novel

…..Sen. John McCain

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 619

“I was faced with a choice: if I didn’t eat, I would offend my cannibal hosts; but if I ate, and, later on, Gary asked me how his foot tasted, I might have to lie and say it was great, even if it wasn’t.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Top O’ The Morning

Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Dooley…..Jeff richards
Frank McCourt…..Sen. John McCain

[ show station identification slide ]

Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Top o’ the morning to ya! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam.

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You might be wondering if we’ll have a good show today – so, let’s ask our good friend Dooley.

[ Patrick and William move over to side of bar area, where Dooley is hunched over the counter ]

William Fitzpatrick: We call him the Human 8-Ball, ’cause if you shake him hard enough, he can answer Yes or No questions.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Now, tell me, Dooley, will we have a good show?

[ William shakes Dooley ]

Dooley: Ye-es..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And, tell me, will William pay me the money he owes me?

[ William shakes Dooley ]

Dooley: No-o-o..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you not pay me that money, you cheap bastard!

William Fitzpatrick: I only borrowed that money to replace the teeth that you knocked out!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Your teeth were a nightmare, all crooked and yellow! I did you a service!

William Fitzpatrick: [ considering the notion ] That’s true.. you’re a true friend..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You’re my best friend, you are.

William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling, trying to hold back the tears ] Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now!

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now! Not here! Not here at this place, not now at this time!

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, mercy..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now, not yet!

William Fitzpatrick: Alright! Let’s have a drink!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright.

William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go!

William Fitzpatrick: Down you go!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright. Our first guest is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of “Angela’s Ashes”. If you believe that Ireland is a whiskey-soaked, stinking cesspool, you’re probably a big fan. Please welcome, Mr. Frank McCourt!

[ Frank McCourt enters and sits ]

Frank McCourt: Thank you, boys. Morning!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: So, Frank, how are ya?

Frank McCourt: Well, the cab ride was cold and dark. Like the day me father was run over by a truck!

William Fitzpatrick: Surprise, surprise – Frank McCourt’s depressed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Hey, your parents must be so proud that their son took their most private moments and put them on a page where anyone with five quid could see.

William Fitzpatrick: I had always dreamed that I could write that me father was a drunk, and me mother was a slut! But you beat me to it! Good on ya, sir!

Frank McCourt: I will not stand for this! I’m Frank McCourt! [ stands ] I.. am leaving!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Ah, have a drink, Frank!

Frank McCourt: I.. am staying! [ takes his drink and chugs it ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go.. down you go..

Frank McCourt: Perhaps I could read you a passage from me new book. It’s entitled: “Too Cold to Die: An Irish Christmas Fairy Tale”. [ reading ] “The pus dripped from the lackey’s eye, like a teardrop. We were grateful to see it; it was all we had to eat that Christmas.” And that’s all I’ve written so far.

William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here in front of the dartboard, not now at this time of October!

William Fitzpatrick: [ stops sniffling ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Brilliant work. A credit to the Irish, you are.

William Fitzpatrick: God bless you, Frank McCourt! [ changes subject ] Now’s the time on the show where I make Patrick so mad that he punches a hole in the wall! Let’s go to the punching wall!

[ Irish music follows the boys to the punching wall, already filled with holes from prior episodes ]

William Fitzpatrick: So, Patrick.. your sister sure is stubborn, is she not?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And what do you mean by that?

William Fitzpatrick: I had to ask her to take off her knickers four times before she did it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ angry ] That’s my sister!! [ punches a hole in the wall ]

William Fitzpatrick: [ impressed ] Good. Well done.

[ they return to their bar stools ]

William Fitzpatrick: Well, we’d like to close out the show, as always, with a traditional Irish song. Frank, will you help us?

Frank McCourt: Yes.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Do you know “Mary’s Britches”?

Frank McCourt: [ thinking ] No, I don’t.

William Fitzpatrick: How about “Who Put The Goat Spunk In Mrs. Murphy’s Oatmeal”?

Frank McCourt: Not all the words.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: “Billy O’Doyle”?

Frank McCourt: Of course! Start to finish!

All [ singing ]
“Well, Billy O’Doyle’s got a nose like a boil
and..” [ they begin mumbling unintelligibly ]

William Fitzpatrick: I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

Together: Top O’ The Morning to Ya”!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Sen. John McCain’s Monologue

…..Sen. John McCain
Ferecito…..Fred Armisen

Sen. John McCain: Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here tonight – they tell me I’m the first sitting senator ever to host this show! They asked President Bush to do it, but, apparently, he doesn’t like to work on weekends. Uh.. people have asked me, how does spending a week up in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live” benefit your constituents? And I always say he same thing, “Shut up, Daschle, you’re just jealous!”

Ferecito: [ bangs a rimshot on his drums ] Dios mio!

Sen. John McCain: [ looks behind him to notice Ferecito is there ] Excuse me? Can I help you?

Ferecito: Hello! I’m Ferecito! I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezeuela!

Sen. John McCain: I know who you are. What are you doing up here?

Ferecito: Oh, I’m trying to help you, Johnny! You’re not doing so gooooood!

Sen. John McCain: I thought it was pretty good..

Ferecito: No! Let me show you how to do a comedy monologue that is more professional!

Sen. John McCain: [ curious ] How’s that?

Ferecito: First! You got to get the crowd all warmed up! A beat, like this! [ bangs drums, pumping up the audience ] Did you feel it! Did you feel it! [ audience cheers ] Then! Wheenver you do a punchline, you have to make it obvious to the audience! With the punchline, you have to make a face like this. Close your eyes! [ demonstrates his punchline face ] Watch! I’ll show you! [ to audience ] “I’m the first sitting senator ever to host ‘Sabado Night Live’! [ makes face ] They asked President Bush to do it, but, apparently, he doesn’t like to work on weekends!” [ bangs rimshot on drum ] Dios mio! [ frowns ] That’s my catch phrase! You have to have a catch phrase! Do you have a catch phrase?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t have a catch phrase.

Ferecito: Okay, I’ll give you one. do, uh.. “I’m just keedinggggg!!”

Sen. John McCain: Well, thanks, pal, I’d rather not..

Ferecito: “I’m just keedinggggggggg!!” Try it, try it, it’s really good!

Sen. John McCain: No thanks, pal. I’d rather not.

Ferecito: Oh, okay.. well..

Sen. John McCain: Listen. I’m not saying – and, by the way, there’s nothing unny about what you’re doing. Stereotyping Latin American culture is offensive, even on a comedy show liek this one. A large number of my constituents in Arizona are Hispanic. And I’m not gonna stand here and let you insult them! [ a beat ] “I’m just keedingggggggg!!”

Ferecito: [ bangs drums ]

Sen. John McCain: Ferecito, everybody! Ferecito! Okay, I’m gonna get ready for this first sketch, now. The White Stripes are here! Stick around, I’ll see you in a minute!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Meet the Press

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
…..Sen. John McCain

Tim Russert: Good morning. Our issue this Sunday: a test of will, for the president, as he waives invading Iraq. And for the Buffalo Bills, as they head to Miami. [ cracks up in laughter ] Joining us to discuss Iraq, the next move, is Sen. John McCain of Arizona. Former P.O.W., maverick Republican whose presidential candidacy stressing campaign finance reform nearly up-ended our eventual president, George W. Bush. Senator, welcome.

Sen. John McCain: Thanks, Tim.

Tim Russert: Senator, this administration.. seems hell-bent.. on confrontation.. with Iraq. You staying with the President?

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I believe we need to show our resolve at this time. We can’t underestimate the potential threat Saddam Hussein poses to this country.

Tim Russert: Senator, we have to ask: Are you considering running again in 2004?

Sen. John McCain: No, I have no plans to run for higher office. The President’s doing a fine job.

Tim Russert: No plans, but you wouldn’t say no.

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I have no interest in running.

Tim Russert: You didn’t answer my question, Senator.

Sen. John McCain: What was the question?

Tim Russert: Whether you would say no, unequivocally, to running for president of the United States?

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I haven’t even considered running.

Tim Russert: But you haven’t ruled it out. [ pauses ] Saddam Hussein. Do you believe he’ll use his chemical weapons, if udner attack?

Sen. John McCain: I think we have to operate under the assumption that he’s capable of anything.

Tim Russert: Spoken like someone running for President. So, if you were President, that would be your assumption?

Sen. John McCain: I think that’s the President’s assumption.

Tim Russert: So, you would not disagree with the President, were you to debate him in 2004?

Sen. John McCain: I have no interest in running.

Tim Russert: No interest.. but you’re open to the possibility?

Sen. John McCain: No, I would rebut any offers to run.

Tim Russert: In other words, you’re available? so, can we say on this program.. that John McCain.. is ready.. for offers to run?

Sen. John McCain: [ shakes head ] No.

Tim Russert: Then, if elected, would you serve?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t see that happening, but, yes, I would serve my country.

Tim Russert: You heard it here first! John McCain, ready to serve as our next President!

Sen. John McCain: That’s a mischaracterization. Look, Tim.. we’re on the brink of a war. I think the American people would rather we discuss Iraq.

Tim Russert: I understand. It’s a awkward subject. Let’s talk about Iraq. Most would like to see.. a new regime there. Would you consider running for the Presidency of Iraq?

Sen. John McCain: No, Tim.

Tim Russert: The presidency of Iraq is on the table! does John McCain take the challenge?

Sen. John McCain: I do not want to run for President of Iraq!

Tim Russert: So, you’d be willing to accept the draft?

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I don’t want to be President of anywhere!

Tim Russert: Alright. Senator, I want to read you a quote.. from the Washington Post.. October 2nd, 1999: “I am a candidate for President of the United States.” Your word, Senator.

Sen. John McCain: Well, Tim, that’s from the last election, when I was a candidate.

Tim Russert: So, you’re flip-flopping?

Sen. John McCain: I’m not flip-flopping, Tim.

Tim Russert: So, you’re a candidate? We can definitively say, on this show, that John McCain-

Sen. John McCain: I was a candidate in 200. I am not in 2004. I will not challenge President Bush as a leader of my party.

Tim Russert: What if President bush does not run?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t see any reason-

Tim Russert: What if he forgets to run?

Sen. John McCain: Alright, Tim.. alright, Tim..

Tim Russert: The President forgets to run for re-election.. and the Republicans are without a candidate. Does John McCain then step in to fill that void?

Sen. John McCain: I would call the President, and remind him to run.

Tim Russert: So, you’re running?

Sen. John McCain: No!

Tim Russert: You’re a candidate?

Sen. John McCain: I am not a candidate!

Tim Russert: John McCain is running for President in 2004?

Sen. John McCain: No.

Tim Russert: 2008?

Sen. John McCain: No.

Tim Russert: 2012.

Sen. John McCain: No!

Tim Russert: 20-16?

Sen. John McCain: No.

Tim Russert: 20-20?

Sen. John McCain: No!

Tim Russert: Let’s talk about 20-28.

Sen. John McCain: I’ll be 90.

Tim Russert: Alright. It’s 2028.. genetic engineering has extended the human lifespan to 200 years. Would a relatively young John McCain challenge a re-animated Jimmy Carter zombie?

Sen. John McCain: Now, President Carter’s been a great humanitarian.

Tim Russert: So, John McCain would back down? Are you afraid of Carter eating you?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t think that’s an accurate-

Tim Russert: So, you’re a candidate?

Sen. John McCain: No.. no..

Tim Russert: Senator, we have to move on, but one question: Any interest in running for President in 2004? [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching. If it’s Sunday, it’s “Meet The Press”. Go Bills!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
John Ashcroft…..Sen. John McCain
Rebecca DeWitt…..Rachel Dratch
Harry Belefonte…..Tracy Morgan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! One quick program note: next week, the Hardball College Tour continues when we come to you live from Bob Jones University with Special Guest: Coolio! The topic that night’s gonna be tax reform! But today, we’re talking about homeland security! Al-Quaeda’s chatter’s is revving up again, people in Maryland have to wear a Kevlar vest every time they go to a gas station, and every town from Buffalo to Portland’s sticky with terrorists! The only security the office of homeland security provides is the security of knowing I can’t go outside without browning my pants! When I get scared, I shout! And when I shout, I get scared! Are we safer today than we were pre-9/11? Joining us today: Associate Director for the ACLU, Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Bor-ing! Also joining us: Attorney General of the United States, John Ashcroft!

John Ashcroft: [ somewhat gruff ] Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I had to! I was afraid you’d arrest me and put me in a camp! And, finally: he made headlines last week when he called Colin Powell a sell-out, comparing him to a slave serving his master, Harry Belefonte! Harry, welcome!

Harry Belefonte: Welcome? Welcome? What are you, some kind of slave master?

Chris Matthews: Aw, Belefonte! Crazy, right off the bat! I love it! Attorney General, we’re gonna start with you! How do we make this country feel safe again?

John Ashcroft: Chris. Security starts with vigilence. As Americans, we will never truly be free. Until each and every one of us is afraid of being throw in a jail. But thanks to the Tips program, we’ve been able to detain tens of thousands of potential American terrorists for months at a time, for little or no reason. Just like the Founding Fathers dreamed!

Chris Matthews: Rebecca DeWitt, what Ashcroft just said was pretty crazy – can you beat it?!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, we’re living in a police state. Most of the people detained under Mr. Ashcroft’s orders haven’t been charged with a crime or given access to legal counsel. The Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being denied their basic human rights. They can’t practice their religion, they’re not allowed access to their weapons, they can’t even confer with their terrorist leader! It’s appalling!

Chris Matthews: Wow! An impressive display of insanity! Harry Belefonte, keep this crazy train rolling!

Harry Belefonte: Chris, I’m gonna say something that a lot of people are afraid to say: Osama bin Laden is a Uncle Tom!

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head with wonder ] Good God! I can’t even figure out who that’s offensive to! Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?

John Ashcroft: We’ve got some real great stuff in the works. There’s one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we’ve gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O’Neal.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Shaquille O’Neal! Are you serious!

John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled “Kazaam!” I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Chris Matthews: How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, every society needs police. But who will police the police? My idea: terrorists! Give the terorists guns and badges, and the ability to arrest law enforcement and military personnel. That way, there are checks and balances.

Chris Matthews: Dear Lord. Belefonte! Hit me with a quick one!

Harry Belefonte: The war in Iraq is in a minstrel show!

Chris Matthews: Fantastic! Another!

Harry Belefonte: Winston Churchill was a house Negro!

Chris Matthews: One more time!

Harry Belefonte: Poodles are the black man of the dog world!

Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa! [ laughs uproariously ] I’m never gonna get tired of this! Final thoughts, Mr. Ashcroft! Whom in this country can truly be safe?

John Ashcroft: Every American citizen. Every man, woman and child has a bar code tattooed on their neck, and a chip in their head that responds to this remote control! [ holds up remote control ]

Chris Matthews: Jiminy Christmas! Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, if you bake one cake, it doesn’t make you a baker; if you paint one painting, it doesn’t make you a painter; but if you blow up one embassy, it automatically makes you a terrorist! [ laughing ] It’s hypocritical!

Chris Matthews: That just might be the dumbest thing I ever heard! Harry Belefonte! don’t let me down!

Harry Belefonte: Pokemon is a slave trader; Pikachu is a slave master!

Chris Matthews: [ singing ] “Craz-o. Cra-a-az-o. Belafonte is a crazy mofo!” [ laughs ] Join us tomorrow, when Shaquille O’Neal joins us live via satelite from a prison at Guantanamo Bay! I’m Chris Matthews! Dabba da “Hahbah”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

TV Funhouse

Jingle: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may.
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: The Third Leg of Justice!

Bighead: Behold, Dr. Brainio! The Ice Creature is ready!

Dr. Braino: Haven’t we tried the Ice Creature before?

Bighead: Yeah, yeah, look, it’s not about winning. I just want to lure Ace and Gary here and out them at last!

Dr. Brainio: Again with the gay thing.

Bighead: My plan is foolproof! [to a mover with a couch] That goes right there.

Dr. Brainio: You’re redecorating?

Bighead: You’ll see. Soon the world will know just what flavor those two are!

Dr. Brainio: And how does this help us?

Bighead: Just go!

[Ace and Gary are jogging, wearing half-shirts and short shorts.]

Ace: Don’t worry about cramping, Gary. We can rub each other’s thighs.

[Ace and Gary fall on the icy ground.]

Ace: Sidewalks . . . ice!

Gary: Must be Bighead!

Ace: Let’s blow this popsicle . . . stand.

[The AGD are in their car, driving off somewhere.]

Ace: Thrust the lever staff. Fix it, Gary! That’s good. Oh, that’s good.

[The car elongates and takes off into the air.]

Dr. Brainio: Now what’s the idea here?

Bighead: I told you, the chaise goes there.

Dr. Brainio: Well, aren’t we being anal.

Bighead: What are you implying?

[The wall bursts open.]

Ace: Not so fast, you two! Hey, you redecorated!

Bighead: Hah! They noticed! That’s it, watch. I thought I’d go retro.

Ace: Seems a little 90’s, you fiend.

Bighead: He thinks it’s 90’s. He knows his stuff.

Dr. Brainio: Well, he’s right.

Bighead: But I bought this in Soho!

Gary: They have these at Pottery Barn!

[everyone laughs]

Dr. Brainio: All you’ve proven is that you’ve got no eye.

Bighead: Wait! You guys like this poster of Mark Wahlberg?

Ace: Mmm . . . tacky.

Gary: Tacky.

Bighead: Seize them!

[Ace and Gary start punching all of the evil henchmen.]

Bighead: I’ve got a Plan B! [Bighead rushes over to a CD player and switches on “Superman” by Five for Fighting, causing Ace and Gary to stop and listen.]

Five For Fighting: I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m more than a bird
I’m more than a plane
I’m more than some pretty face beside a train

[Ace and Gary start crying.]

Five for Fighting: And it’s not easy . . .

Bighead: Voila!

Dr. Brainio: So what? They identify with the pressure of being heroes.

Bighead: Wait!

[Ace and Gary start dancing around the room. The wall then bursts open again.]

Ace: Former GE Chairman Jack Welch!

Jack Welch: Let’s get to business!

Announcer: As part of his retirement compensation package with GE, Jack Welch is entitled to appear in one cartoon per season.

Jack Welch: [punches out some henchmen] Take ’em from behind, boys!

[Ace and Gary wrap their legs around Brainio and Bighead, thrusting them into the air. A beam comes from Jack Welch’s eyes, trapping them in a ball with the GE logo flashing on it. Gary shoots out a fireball that makes Bighead’s place cool.]

Ace: Well done, Mr. Welch.

Gary: Yay!

Jack Welch: See boys, I employed everyone’s talents: my know-how and your throbbing members. It’s all in my book, Straight from the Gut from Warner Books.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Jack Welch: And these aren’t retirement perks! This is the third compensation for a job well done!

Ace: Okay, that’s not in the script.

[“Superman” plays again, as the three start dancing around.]

Jingle: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

McCain Sings Streisand

…..Sen. John McCain

Announcer: He has served his country in the military.. the Congress.. and the Senate. Now, he serves America – with song:

Sen. John McCain: [ singing ]
“Love, soft as an easy chair
Love, fresh as the morning airrr..”

Announcer: Sen. John McCain sings some of the most beautiful songs ever written:

Sen. John McCain: [ singing ]
“People, people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world.”

Announcer: All these songs and more, available on: McCain Sings Streisand.

[ show slide of CD, complete with cover photo of McCain wearing a Superman t-shirt ]

Sen. John McCain: I’ve been in politics for over 20 years. And for over 20 years, I’ve had Barbera Streisand trying to do my job. So I decided to try my hand at her job. Check out this classic:

“Memories, light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories, of the way we were.”

Do I know how to sing? About as well as she knows how to govern America! Here’s another gem for ya:

“Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see-ee-ee me-ee?”

Pretty annoying, huh? Now you know how I feel! My new CD is a must for all of Barbra Streisand’s fans, as well as log-cabin Republicans. And a special added bonus, just for Babs – a portion of all sales will be used to damage Alaskan wildlife preserves. So, order today!

“Nobody, but nobody’s gonna rain on myyyyyy parade!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts