Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 19th, 2002 Sen. John McCain The White Stripes None None Decision 2002: Iraqi State NewsSummary: A self-appointed landslide has ensured Saddam Hussein’s (Horatio Sanz) presidential victory in Iraq. Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein. Transcript
Montage
Sen. John McCain’s MonologueSummary: After Sen. John McCain tells a couple of political jokes, Venezuelan nightclub comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) helps him develop a catchphrase to make for a more successful monologue. Recurring Characters: Fericito. Transcript
HardballSummary: John Ashcroft (Sen. John McCain) and Rebecca DeWitt (Rachel Dratch) debate safety measures against terrorism, while Harry Belefonte (Tracy Morgan) sputters more nonsensical outrageous statements. Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, John Ashcroft. Transcript
To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward StorySummary: The Lifetime Network misconstrues the story of Gillian Woodward (Amy Poehler), a woman being stalked by her close-talking husband, David (Sen. John McCain), in their feministic TV-movie. Transcript
Wake Up WakefieldSummary: Hippie teacher Pete Van Bleet (Sen. John McCain) carves Steely Dan jack-o-lanterns for Megan (Maya Rudolph) and Sheldon (Rachel Dratch). Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s latest superhero adventure, the evil Bighead subdues the Ambiguously Gay Duo with a decor change. Transcript
Meet The PressSummary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) won’t stop asking Sen. John McCain if he’ll run for President again in 2004. Recurring Characters: Tim Russert. Transcript
The White Stripes perform “Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tina Fey delivers a rant on Saddam Hussein’s political victory. The Equal Time rule garners airtime for mundane, softspoken political candidate Tim Calhoun (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun. Transcript
McCain Sings StreisandSummary: To get back at Barbra Streisand for constantly sticking her nose into politics, Sen. John McCain releases an album of him singing horrible renditions of her songs. Transcript
My Big Thick NovelSummary: Jack Handey recalls a cCrisis of conscience during a dinner with cannibals. Transcript
Top O’ The MorningSummary: Irish pub drinkers Patrick Fitzwilliam (Jimmy Fallon) and Wiliam Fitzpatrick (Seth Meyers) – who’ve heard all the jokes, thank you very much, so save them – interview author Frank McCourt (Sen. John McCain). Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, Wiliam Fitzpatrick. Transcript
The White Stripes perform “We’re Going To Be Friends”
Christina Aguilera…..Sarah Michelle Gellar David LaChapelle…..Jimmy Fallon Vetiver Lee…..Tracy Morgan Extra 1…..Chris Kattan Extra 2…..Maya Rudolph Assistant director…..Amy Poehler Guy in Mexican wrestling mask…..Horatio Sanz Redman…..Dean Edwards
[text scrolls down, CHRISTINA AGUILERA]
Announcer: On this episode of “Making the Video” go for a ride with Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Oh, yo, this is gonna get dirrty, y’all!
[text scrolls down, “DIRRTY”]
Announcer: And check out the world premiere of her new video, “Dirrty”.
[SUPER: Los Angeles -8:13 P.M.]
David LaChapelle: This video is gonna be real nasty, and real LaChapelle-like. A lot of subversive things, a lot of plushies, a lot of bad smells. It’s sort of like if you pulled up a stink clog and Christina was hanging from it.
Christina Aguilera: David LaChapelle and me, you know, we sort of co-did this video together. The song is called “Dirrty” but I wanted to call the song “[bleep] Guzzling [bleep]” but L’il Kim already used that.
Vetiver Lee: I was gonna put these little red panties on – on Christina. But she doesn’t want to wear no pantie-P’s. So I just spray painted her poo-poo red. Oh, we gotta grease you up, girl. Gimme that pork chop, throw ya ass around.
Christina Aguilera: You know that dirrty feeling, you know, when you wake up with no pants on, face down on the floor and you got like, like a condom in your ear? Well that’s the feeling we’re trying to create. I love that feeling. DAMN!
Extra 1: Sometimes I get what I call a “Christina burn” from her, humping on me so hard.
Extra 2: Well, once I had a Christina burn on my back.
Assistant director: Okay, listen up, dancers and the first row of masturbators, I will be spraying you with an artificial B.O. Do not worry, it’s only the water that they boil the lobsters in. Focus up.
David LaChapelle: Okay, guys. Okay, guys. Get up on it. Get up on this. Okay? And action.
[“Dirrty” plays in the background as everyone starts dancing.]
Christina Aguilera: CUT! DAVID!
Assistant director: David? David?
David LaChapelle: Okay, what do you want? Tell David LaChapelle what you want.
Christina Aguilera: It ain’t dirrty enough!
David LaChapelle: Can we get more urine in the fog machine, please?
Assistant director: Okay, could everybody take another dip in the litter boxes, please? And I am missing the guy in the Mexican wrestling mask.
Guy in Mexican wrestling mask: I just threw up in my mask!
Assistant director: Please wait for your cue next time! Okay, we’re moving on, everybody – moving on to the party. Let’s get Redman.
Redman: Yo, you know what I’m sayin’? When I first came here, Christina ain’t had her stuff together, so I had to get down like that. You know what I’m sayin’? It’s crazy – ill crazy! Ill maddy!
Assistant director: Hey, hey, can we get some more boogers on these kickboxers?
David LaChapelle: Okay, okay, now, Christina wanted me to have you to sniff this for inspiration. (holds sweaty washcloth which puts Redman to sleep) Perfect.
Christina Aguilera: I’m really excited about Redman being in my video. He is so dirrty, like me. We had sex a bunch of times, but we hadn’t met, you know, formally.
[As Redman is being filmed, his lines from “Dirrty” play in the background.]
Christina Aguilera: Yo, CUT! David!
David LaChapelle: Yes, yes, yes – what, what, what?
Christina Aguilera: It just ain’t skanky enough! Y’know, I ain’t feeling it!
David LaChapelle: All right, let me… let LaChapelle think. Think, LaChapelle. Who are you? What do you think?
Christina Aguilera: You know, I ain’t no director, but – I could, y’know ride somebody’s leg while they farted. (humps on extra 1’s leg)
David LaChapelle: True.
Christina Aguilera: I just feel so free now, y’know. When people see this video, they’re gonna stop thinking of me as some blond-haired bubblegum music industry ho and start thinking of me as a actual ho, y’know, like the kind that hang out at Carni[bleep] Mmm-hmm.
[“Dirrty” plays in the background as everyone dances.]
Christina Aguilera: David!
Assistant director: David? David?
David LaChapelle: Yes, yes.
Christina Aguilera: It just – it just ain’t skanky enough!
David LaChapelle: Okay. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Okay. Let me think. Okay, guess who center square is? David LaChapelle, me. And I think I know what Christina needs.
Assistant director: Okay, could we have quiet, please? Stop all the work, please. (chickens start clucking) Please take all the chickens outside for a moment.
David LaChapelle: No, I want the chickens to hear this.
David LaChapelle: I got it. We need a large red rubber baboon ass.
Assistant director: Props, I need a red baboon ass yesterday.
Christina Aguilera: Oh, you are a dirrty genus!
David LaChapelle: Perfect. This is it. This is going to work. This is going to work. You’re gonna move this. Let’s try it again, and everybody – action!
[“Dirrty” plays one more time as everybody dances. Christina is wearing the rubber baboon ass and shaking it as she dances.]
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Steven the Dell Computer Kid…..Seth Meyers Doctor…..Chris Parnell Ripple Ramada…..Maya Rudolph Delorian Ramada…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
According to a recent poll, most people say that President Bush is neglecting problems at home, and spending too much time planning a war on Iraq. Though it should be noted: this poll was taken in Iraq.
Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The committee cited Carter’s tireless work in seeking peaceful solutions, as well as his attempts to promote social and economic justice. Or, as the Bush administration calls it: “Queering It Up Big-Time”.
Justin Guarini, who placed second in Fox’s “American Idol”, has signed a record deal – for just 99-cents, he will get ten records.
The FAA wants airlines to install new seats that would help passengers survive crashes, by the year 2016. However, many would feel better if the airlines would install the safer seats by the year Two-Thousand-Right-Now-Bitch!
Tammy Faye Bakker Messner has begun working with People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Tammy Faye said her love for animals stems from the fact that she’s part raccoon.
Tina Fey: The cover of the current Newsweek Magazine is a story on teen depression, which afflicts over three million young people. Here with a commentary, is our teen correspondent, Steven the Dell Computer Kid.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ stricken with facial contortions throughout commentary ] Thank you, Tina! Hey, Mom and Dad, if your teen is facing a major bummer attack, there are always five simple words that can turn that frown upside-down: “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”
Tina Fey: Listen, Steven, you’re a teenager, have you ever experienced depression firsthand?
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ thinking, hand rubbing chin ] Hmm.. let me ponder that conundrum, Tina-rita! I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I do get the feeling that everyone hates me.
Tina Fey: No, we do hate you. Those commercials are the worst.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: You’re not helping, Jimbo. In fact, beneath this wise-cracking, smart-alecky exterior lies a hollow void, ripe with hairy darkness and deep despair, dude.
Tina Fey: Wow, I had no idea you were this depressed.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: Well, believe it, my bespectacled buddy. Many is the time that I’m paralyzed with misery. I think to myself, “Steven, you can make every dude in the world get a Dell.. but what do you get, Steven? What do you get?”
[ Doctor walks up to Steven ]
Doctor: There you are, Steven. You have to stop running off like that.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ whispers to the audience ] Dude, that’s totally my doctor!
Doctor: Our friend Steven here is a very sick young man, and knows better than to be out of his restraints after sundown. I have personally diagnosed Steven with over 37 psychological disorders, including manic depression, bipolar disorder, Munchausen Syndrome, and gender dysphoria.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: That last one’s pretty bad!
Doctor: He also suffers from hyperactivity of the face, for which, sadly, there is no cure.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: My soul aches, and my cheeks feel like fire!
Doctor: Time to go, buddy.
Steven the Dell Computer Kid: Dude, I’m getting Thorazine!
Tina Fey: Steven, the Dell Kid, everybody.
According to Toy Wishes Magazine, the hottest toys heading into the Christmas season are the Fur Real Friends. The least hot toy? SpongeBob Newhart.
In entertainment news, has anybody seen that new Christina Aguliera video? I think it gave my TV genital warts.
This week, Andy Rooney has upset many women with his comment about female sportscasters, saying, “The only thing that really bugs me about television’s coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines, who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. A woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.” and then he peed his pants a little bit.
In Morrisville, Pennsylvania this week, a man hobbled into the local police station, asking for help after he inserted a nail and a firecracker into his own penis. That’s what happens when you screw the junk drawer.
Tina Fey: Leonard Nimoy pulled out of a fundraiser for the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle this month, when he learned organizers wanted to censor some of his photos of naked women. Finally! Someone willing to stand up to the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Your reign of tyranny is over, Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! [ stands on newsdesk ] Thanks to Leonard Nimoy, Seattle and its surrounding suburbs will now walk free! From Kirkland to Bremerton! From the streets of Silverdale to the majestic highland of Richmond, the people of the great northwest will never again feel the oppressive thumb of the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Residents of Yakima and Maple Valley, arise and be free! The Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle is your oppressors no more! [ walks straight into the audience ]
Here, we see Michael Jackson, Siegfried & Roy, and some animals. The question: Is the orgy over, or just starting?
A band of 937 yodelers in Germany set a new world record for the largest simultaneous yodel, by holding their melody for a full minute. The yodelers inadvertently set another world record, for Worst Minute.
NBC announced it will air a special featuring Cher’s final live performance. As per the grand finale, she will be wrapped up and gently placed back in her sarcophagus.
Actor Noah Wylie told TV Guide that after next season, he will be leaving “ER”. In response, the TV Guide reporter said, “Well, I guess I’ll never be seeing you again – ever.”
Tina Fey: Well, everyone knows Paris and Nicky Hilton, the jetsetting heiresses to the Hilton Hotel fortune. But they’re not the only set of hotel sister socialites out there. Here with the latest gossip, are Ripple and Delorian Ramada – the Ramada Sisters.
[ Ramada Sisters laugh uncontrollably ]
Ripple Ramada: Hey, Tina!
Delorian Ramada: Hey, Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: So, how is everything, ladies? How’s it going?
Ripple Ramada: Yeah, you know how it is, being young, being red-hot.. and being related – by marriage – to a partial owner of a reasonably-priced chain of conference centers.
Tina Fey: So, you guys ever hang out with the Hilton Sisters.
Delorian Ramada: No, it’s funny you mention that, Tina, because there are a lot of similarities.
Ripple Ramada: Yeah. Like, they live in the Waldorf-Austoria..
Delorian Ramada: And we live in the Ramada Inn at the Newark Airport.
[ they laugh ]
Tina Fey: Now, the word is that you guys went to the party at 8 1/2, for the premiere of new P.T. anderson movie “Punch-Drunk Love”. Any gossip there?
Ripple Ramada: I don’t know what any of those things are.
[ they laugh ]
Delorian Ramada: Oh.. but.. we did attend the premiere of Wayne Cherbet’s new Toyota dealership in Nutley, and it was divine.
Ripple Ramada: He is cutting prices to the bone, Tina!
Tina Fey: Okay, so any gossip from that?
Delorian Ramada: Oh, you know how it is, Tina – celebs galore! Rutger Hauer.. The Boz – Brian Bosworth..
Ripple Ramada: Yeah. Stacy Keach.. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.. Apollonia..
Delorian Ramada: Nick Mars, from Motley Crue.. David Faustino.. Joe Isuzu!
Ripple Ramada: Anyways, it sucked! So I found Keach, and I was, like, “Listen, Keach, we’re outta here!”
Delorian Ramada: So, Keach hotwires a loaner from the lot, and we head over to the restaurant in the Kia in Fort Wayne.
Ripple Ramada: Free Swedish meatballs, y’all!bitch!
Delorian Ramada: [ drinking from a glass of booze ] Oh.. I think this stuff has turned..
Ripple Ramada: Eeuughhh..
Tina Fey: Ripple and Delorian Ramada, everybody!
Krispy Kreme Donuts wedding cakes are becoming the hot, new thing at weddings this season. Not coincidentally, so are Size 27 weding dresses.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Teacher: And that is why the Indians deserved it. Alright, we have some special visitors here today and I know you are all going to give them your un-divided attention. Please welcome the ‘Be Safe Gang’.
(Devita, Fred and Karen walk into the classroom)
Fred: What’s up you guys? I’m Fred from the Minneapolis police
Karen: I’m Karen from the Minneapolis police.
Devita: And I’m Devita, formally of the Minneapolis police. And we want you
Karen: To be
Fred: Safe
Devita: In
Karen: And around
Fred: The places
Devita: You work
Karen: And
Fred: Live. (Fred and Karen walk off)
Devita: Hey dudes. I’m here today to talk to you about the dangers of drugs, okay. Who here likes to take drugs? (the classroom is quiet) Nobody ? Nice try! I am very aware of what you kids are into, okay? I know the stories. I’ve heard about raves who have ODed on monkey vitamins. (she points to Student 1) Sound familiar hot shot?
Student 1: (confused) What?
Devita: Nice try. Alright, show of hands– WHO HERE IS INTO TEA BAGGING? (the students all laugh). Go ahead, laugh, laugh dead people don’t laugh. So enjoy it. As you know tea bagging is the act of dipping a household sponge into liquid ecstasy and then popping it into your rectum for a night of dancing. (Student 2 raises her hand)
Student 2: Can I go to the nurse?
Devita: Nice try. Alright, you kids need to be aware and prepared incase a stranger approaches you at a disco and says ‘Hey buddy, can you hold my sponge in your butt while I go get a drink?’
Student 1: (confused again) Who would do that?
Devita: How about a million people rookie! Nice try. Protect yourself. One out of every kid dies form being stupid. Take it Karen. (Karen walks in and Devita walks out)
Karen: Yo, what’s up homies? Sex, humping, finger shrimping, toe blasting– fun right? Think again. Lets role-play. (Karen approaches Student 3) Hey, do you wanna touch my breasts?
Student 3: Yeah, sure. (he goes to touch them but Karen grabs his hand)
Karen: BOOM! You just got genital diabetes. You don’t know me. Jesus! Come on people role-play. (Karen walks over to Student 4) Hey, you and me are about to engage in intercourse. You gonna wear a condom?
Student 4: Definitely.
Karen: BOOM! You just got crotch botulism, a.k.a – crotchulism. Condoms scoop up all the bacteria in the room and put it right I your penile canal. DO NOT WEAR THEM! And if you must wear one, you poke a hole in it to let the bacteria ventilate. Officer Fred. (Karen walks to the side with Devita and Fred walks in).
Fred: Good job, way to go. What’s up guys? I’m here today to talk to you about self-defense, keeping safe in your streets and in your school. Now Devita and Karen here are going to be my attackers. (Devita puts on a hat and scarf, and Karen puts on a hat and sunglasses. They stand either side of him). Now what do you do if someone attacks you. What do you do, YOU (points to Student 5)
Student 5: You call the police? (Fred continues to stare at him and Student 5 gets nervous) You run and get help?
Fred: (he stops staring) Wow. I hope you get mugged today my friend. (to the class) If somebody attacks you, use your body you don’t need any weapons. Let me demonstrate. If someone is coming towards you, you can use your fingers to blind the assailant.
(Devita begins to walk towards Fred, and he puts his fingers on the tip of his hat leaving her to act as if she can’t see).
Fred: You can configure the perpetrators way in such a way to get them away from you. Look (He is saying the actions as he does them on Karen) Arm up arm down arm up arm down head down shoulder down head back up mouth open mouth closed turn cheek push and she’s on her way. (Karen walks back to Fred and Devita after being pushed). You can clap you hands to deafen the assailant. (Devita comes at Fred. He claps his hands)
Devita: (she puts her hands on her ears) AHHHHH!!! (back to normal) It’s all about staying aware and prepared. We did a little experiment on you guys.
Fred: We watched you guys take showers after gym class.
Karen: None of you’s knew we were there.
Student 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah we knew you’s were there.
Devita: Nice try!
Fred: When is it not appropriate to fight back, when do you not fight back YOU! (to Student 2)
Student 2: (nervously) If somebody has a gun? (Fred continues to stare at her) If– if somebody is holding a gun ?
Fred: (to student 2) Wow, I hope you get assaulted every day for the rest of your life. (to the class) If someone has a gun you fight back. (Karen holds up a gun to Fred) this persons got about a quarter of an inch she can use to pull the trigger. I always carry a pen with me everywhere I go. Pull the gun towards you and put the pen right here (he puts the pen in between the trigger and her fingers), she can’t pull the trigger. If you don’t have a pen, grab one from the assailant. (Karen puts the gun down). When all else fails, use your cell phone. You got a double attack? Pretend like your having a conversation and they’ll leave you alone, watch.
Karen: (she holds the gun towards Fred’s head) Give me your money. I said give me your money. (Fred pretends to talk on the phone) Oh, I’m sorry. (she puts the gun down)
Devita: Hey, hey (Fred still pretending to be on the phone, he points to it) Oh, my bad.
(the school bell rings)
Karen, Devita, Fred: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Devita: Just remember everybody, when you are in a dangerous situation keep your mind in the sky
Karen: Enjoy your surroundings.
Devita: Take your time.
Fred: And keep your arms constantly moving.
Karen, Devita, Fred: (as kids leave) BE SAFE!
(the teacher approaches them when the students have all left, then fade out)
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you guys very, very much. Thank you! It is so great to be back in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I had a great summer, I got married to Freddie Prinze, Jr. I didn’t take his last name professionally – you know, I have three names already, and I didn’t need a fourth with a “Jr.” piled on! Uh.. but I had a great summer. Not only did I make a movie with my husband, but I also took some time off to do something that I always wanted to do. As you probably know, I recorded my own album. [ audience claps ] Thank you! I wrote all the songs myself, and, I gotta say, that recording this album, it was almost as rewarding as ramming a stake through the heart of a vampire! [ strums a chord ] But not quite as much fun as chopping their heads off!
[ Vampire family in the audience stands to exit ]
Vampire Father: Alright. Let’s go.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, my God! I had no idea there were vampires in the audience!
Vampire Father: Yeah, well.. we only got in because of the rain, so.. we didn’t know you were hosting. So.. [ turns to his wife ] ..come on, Carol, get your sweater.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Well, I-I-I didn’t mean to offend anybody!
Vampire Father: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m just getting a little sick of the way vampires are portrayed in the media, okay? It’s a little insulting! [ to his daughter ] Come on, get your bag, let’s go.
Vampire Daughter: But, Daddy, I wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon!
Vampire Father: I know, baby, okay? We all wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon, okay? [ points to Gellar ] But this nice lady over here, she wants to take this wooden stake and drive it through your heart! So, I guess bedtime comes a little early tonight, let’s go!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait..
Vampire Mother: Vlad, don’t!
Vampire Father: It’s just, we’re good people, you know! Okay? We’re honest people! I came to this country, because I wanted to make an honest living! That.. and turn people into vampires! But I guess we’ve still got a long way to go!
Vampire Mother: I told you we should have gone to “The Caroline Rhea Show”.
Vampire Father: It tapes in the daytime! [ contains himself ] Sorry, baby, okay.. it’s just this world..
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Listen.. I regret, you know, what I said.. I wish you’d stay..
Lawyer in Audience: I’m an attorney, specializing in slander and defamation. I represent a lot of vampires.. I think you have an excellent case..
Vampire Father: Really?
Lawyer in Audience: Would you please call me-
Vampire Father: [ takes business card ] I will call you! I will call you Monday.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait, wait.. I’m sorry! Look, you guys.. is there anything I can do to make this up to you?
Vampire Father: Yeah! you can. Don’t sing!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uh.. okay. [ puts guitar down ] I guess I won’t, then.. but, uh.. uh.. Faith Hill is here, and she can sing! So, stick around, we will be right back!
Jessie Dixon: Okay, you know what, you guys? We should get started. Now, I know most of you probably don’t want to spend your Thursday night in a Sexual Harrassment seminar. But, because of a few incidents here at Hasslebert & Milton, they’ve required all employees to attend this. And I, personally, think sexual harrassment is a very important issue.
[ suddenly, Merv interrupts the seminars with his tardy entry ]
Merv The Perv: Hey, hey, hey! Sorry I’m late. I was in the bathroom, trying to psyche myself up for this sex seminar! [ chuckles ] and, by the way, ladies.. you have a beautiful bathroom!
Jessie Dixon: Um.. um.. that’s fine. Have a seat.
Merv The Perv: Ooh-la-la! And who might you be, Mademoiselle?
Merv The Perv: Alright. [ grabs a chair and places it backwards next to Maya, he sits down confidently ] Is this seat taken?
Maya: No. How could it be? You just dragged it over here yourself.
Merv The Perv: Whoa-ho, hey! Wildcat! Slow down, I want to keep my options open!
Jessie Dixon: [ sighs ] Okay, folks.. now, this is the kind of behavior that I’m talking about. When you refer to a female co-worker as.. “Hot Pants”.. she may not appreciate that. There are many forms of sexual harassment.
Merv The Perv: [ shakes head ] I didn’t hear a damn word you said, you’re so friggin’ beautiful! What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – my treat. No, wait – Dutch.
Jessie Dixon: I’m sorry, but I have no interest in what we all agree is an inappropriate suggestion!
Merv The Perv: [ tries his move on Maya instead ] What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – Dutch. No, wait – you pay half, and I’ll pay half.
Maya: Eeuggh! and.. no.
Merv The Perv: [ looks about the room ] Anybody want to blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City? Shelley? Julie? Black Girl?
Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. you know what? Wait a minute.. you’re Mervin Watson, aren’t you?
Merv The Perv: That’s right! The Mervin Watson. I see you recognize me. Want me to sign your boob?
Jessie Dixon: No. In fact, it may interest you to know you’re the whole reason we’re having this seminar.
Merv The Perv: Oh-ho! So this party’s for me! Julie, loser the top!
Julie: Hey!
Merv The Perv: Wha-at? We’ll compromise – the bottoms?
Jessie Dixon: Mr. Watson!
Merv The Perv: Please! Call me “Merv The Perv”! Or, at least, “The Perv”?
Jessie Dixon: I will not!
Merv The Perv: Then, just call me? Mmm-hmm! Is this thing working? [ points to his crotch ] I know this thing’s working! Seriously! Julie – can we talk about the top?
Julie: Do you see what he’s like! I have to work here!
Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. this is a place of business!
Merv The Perv: And we’d better get down to business!
Jessie Dixon: People work here!
Merv The Perv: I like the way you work it!
Jessie Dixon: We’re all professionals!
Merv The Perv: What’ll a fifty get me?
Jessie Dixon: [ shakes head ] You don’t get it, do you?
Merv The Perv: Not as often as I’d like!
Jessie Dixon: You’re making me sick.
Merv The Perv: Yeahh.. it’s called Morning Sickness – let’s make it happen! [ turns to Julie ] Julie, status report on the top?
Jessie Dixon: O-okay.. I can see none of this is working.. Let’s try a little role reversal. How would you like it if I came up to you and said, uh.. “Hey, baby.. take off those pants.”
Merv The Perv: I’d be delighted! Let’s get the party started! [ stands ]
Jessie Dixon: [ nervous and afraid ] Okay.. that obviously didn’t work..
Merv The Perv: So, lose the slacks?
Jessie Dixon: No.. don’t.
Merv The Perv: So, take them off?
Jessie Dixon: Please don’t.
Merv The Perv: The green light on losing the slacks?
Jessie Dixon: No! Keep the slacks!
Merv The Perv: Ix-nay on the acks-lay?
Jessie Dixon: Do not take off your pants!
Merv The Perv: So, I’m just gonna go ahead and slip out of these old slacks – you know, freshen up a bit.
Jessie Dixon: Oh, that’s it! Perv The Merv, or Merv The Perv – whatever your name is! I’m gonna recommend you be fired!
Merv The Perv: [ finally giving in ] Okay, okay.. I know I have problems.. I guess that’s just because I’m shy. [ the women in the room aww ] The truth is, I’m lonely. Do you guys want to know what my biggest problem is? [ a beat ] These pants! Oh, dear Lord, get me out of these! [ tugs at his pants, pulling them off with one swipe ]
[ everyone quickly gets up to leave the room ]
Merv The Perv: Come on! Seriously! The sexual harassment seminar’s just getting good!
[ Sarah Michelle Gellar breaks character to address the audience ]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hi. I’m Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Merv The Perv: And I’m Merv “The Perv” Watson. And Sarah and I are to say there’s nothing sexy about sexual harassment.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You know, sexual harassment is a very real problem in today’s workplace.
Merv The Perv: So, I think I speak for all of America, when I say, “Hey, Sarah.. lose the top!”
Sexy Woman: I love my man. My man puts it all together for me in the day, and takes it all part at night. He’s no ordinary man, my man. He knows how to treat his lady. And, in so doing, his lady knows how to.. reciprocate. Because, by reciprocating, we give unto each other of ourselves. I offer my breasts.
Sexy Man: I would like that!
Sexy Woman: Two round undulets, full and alive.. bound only by free air.
Sexy Man: [ moaning ] Oh, yeahhhh..
Sexy Woman: My hips.. my thighs.. my soft shoulder. They are for him. Sweet curves that only his hands could navigate. He is.. my soul mate. and we are like two night hawks, rounding the evening sky in search of the transcendant desire.
Sexy Man: What about those breasts?
Sexy Woman: He knows my body. He has explored the mysteries of my loins.
Sexy Man: That’s good. But I got hung up on those breasts, though.
Sexy Woman: His fi-angers have danced along the contours of my sex-e-ality. In his hands, I am a saxophone..
Sexy Man: Don’t overthink it, baby.
Sexy Woman: My lips, anticipatory, hunger for his love. My loins, my cheeks, my soft belly crave his caress.
Sexy Man: I crave your breasts.
Sexy Woman: Oh, if I were a goddess – maybe Venus or Helen of Troy – a temple, would I build, wherein we, too, could explore our endless possibilities.
Sexy Man: Cool it with the abstractions, baby.
Sexy Woman: Come, sweet. Come to me now, and fulfill my love for you. Bring all of your desires, and we shall lay naked, honest to the world. Come now, for I am ready.
Sexy Man: Yeah, baby, but I creamed my jeans back when you said “breasts”.
Sexy Woman: [ disappointed ] Let’s go. You want to watch “The Gilmore Girls”?
Sexy Man: Yeah, okay.. I’m gonna go make some popcorn, though.
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Air Date:
Decision 2002: Iraqi State NewsSummary: A self-appointed landslide has ensured Saddam Hussein’s (Horatio Sanz) presidential victory in Iraq.
