Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Baby-K…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

More than 200 Haitian immigrants waited ashore and rushed onto a major highway Tuesday after their 50-foot wooden freighter ran aground off of Miami, Florida. The Haitians said this was absolutely the last time they would book their travel through Priceline.com.

Jimmy Fallon: Tonight the United States Olympic committee officially nominated New York City as the US candidate to hold the 2012 Olympics. It’s really great news. The really great news is it gives New Yorkers a full 10 years to get the hell out of here.

Tina Fey: A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spear’s New York restaurant “Nyla” is in trouble and may close after just 4 months. In happier news, “Christina Aguilera’s Filthy Hot Dog Wagon is going strong.

Jimmy Fallon: A German schoolgirl has invented what she calls a merciless bed, which dumps people onto the floor when their alarm clock goes off. It has already won a prize for “Most German Invention”.

Tina Fey: While appearing on Larry King Live, Heather Mills-McCartney, the wife of Paul McCartney, removed her artificial leg and allowed King to hold it. Then in a spontaneous moment, King asked the leg to marry him.

Jimmy Fallon: Last weekend, Jackass: The Movie tramped the competition and topped the box office charts the second week in a row. Here with his review is NBC movie critic, Gene Shalit everybody.

Gene Shalit: Hello, Jimmy! First, let me say this. Jackass: The Movie is a jackass of a movie! Hey, hey, you, you, get the jackass off of my screen! Don’t jack-ask me again, Michael Jack-ackson! Put away your shiny glove! This thriller is a dud! Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who thinks that Jackass: The Movie isn’t worth saying, “Mama say, Mama sa, Mama kusa!”

Jimmy Fallon: Crazy.

Gene Shalit: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: What?

Gene Shalit: Get the jackass out of your trunk and change the tire and drive your car away from this movie!

Jimmy Fallon: I am so lost, I mean, what on earth are you . . .

Gene Shalit: Jimmy! A little ditty about Jackass and I end, to an American movie doing the worst it can as a movie!

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I think we get the idea. You didn’t like Jackass. Have you seen anything else? How about “Ghost Ship”?

Gene Shalit: [pauses] Ghost Ship? More like a steaming pile of Ghost Ship? Who ya gonna call? Ghost Ship Busters! [starts laughing] If you call me up . . . I am afraid of this Ghost Ship, Jimmy!

[By this time, Jimmy is laughing so much he can’t even speak clearly.]

Jimmy Fallon: You’re not in your Today Show studio. You know, we have microphones, you don’t need to yell so much.

Gene Shalit: I’m old!

Jimmy Fallon: I know. Do you dye your mustache as well?

Gene Shalit: I dye everything!

Jimmy Fallon: How about the movie “The Ring”? Did you see “The Ring”? That’s supposed to be pretty good.

Gene Shalit: Ring around the rosey, trouser full of crapola! Ring, ring! Hello! Who’s this? Scary? You betcha!

Jimmy Fallon: All right, okay, that’s good.

Gene Shalit: Ring around the collar! I say, skid marks in my drawers! When “The Ring” is in my theater . . .

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we get it, we got it.

Gene Shalit: I got some more about Jackass, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: I think we’ve had enough, actually.

Gene Shalit: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jackass nipping at your theater! Merry Christmas? I say, Merry Don’t-count-me-in-the crot-of-this-movie, ISTA-MIS! Jackass!

Jimmy Fallon: “Istmas?” You gotta put some more effort into your songs!

Gene Shalit: HIT IT! [Gene Shalit gets up, music starts, and he dances around flailing his arms and making faces.]

Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? This is crazy. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? He’s lost his mind!

Gene Shalit: When the movie stinks, it has no story! Then you’re watching “Jack-the-ass: The Movie! [resumes dancing]

Jimmy Fallon: Gene Shalit, everybody!

Gene Shalit: GO TO HELL, JIMMY! [exits]

Tina Fey: We lost complete control . . .

Kevin Costner had his appendix out this week, but doctors say he is in boring condition and resting boringly.

VH1 has pulled the plug on “The Liza and David Show” after weeks of frustration trying to deal with control-freak David Gest. Also there were fears that during shooting, the lights would melt his wax head.

Jimmy Fallon: Musician Moby has created a book club for fans attending his concerts in which they bring a used book and take one from a communal pile. Moby said he got the idea when fans told him that the most exciting thing to do at one of his concerts is read.

Tina Fey: According to reports, Phil Collins has been going deaf for the past 2 years and may have to give up touring.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no, no…that’s not what I heard. I heard that he witnessed this deaf guy murder this other deaf guy [“In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays] and then he invited the murderer to his concert and now he’s pretending to be deaf to trick him.

[Jimmy and Tina bob their heads to the music, then it stops.]

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Following a series of salmonella outbreaks, the food and drug administration has put a ban on the import of Mexican cantaloupes. This could be really bad news for Salma Hayek.

A man in Indiana was arrested for stealing a chicken, taking it to a motel and having sex with it until it died. Police have issued a warrant for this man. [shows a picture of Gonzo from the Muppets]

You know Tina, I gotta tell you that Jay-Z was pretty great, right, Jay-Z? He’s awesome, he’s a good dude, a very good rapper. I’ll tell you what, I like the guy. My favorite guy in the group is that guy Baby K.

Tina Fey: Baby-K, which one is Baby-K?

Jimmy Fallon: He’s the little guy, he’s like 2 months old, he wears gold chains.

Tina Fey: I didn’t see Baby-K. I didn’t see that guy.

Jimmy Fallon: Actually, I got to know him pretty well. I could possibly persuade him to sing a song with his new joint. Baby K, come here for a second. [Jimmy jumps over the Update desk, puts Baby K on the desk, and returns]

Tina Fey: Oh there he is, he’s so cute. Hi Baby-K.

Baby-K: Gimme a beat! (rapping)
I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started
I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started
I’m gonna get this, I’m gonna get this,
I’m-a, I’m-a, I’m-a…mama, mama, mama, mama, mama…
I’m gonna get this party started, this party, party started. Word!

Jimmy Fallon: Baby-K everybody. (he goes and picks Baby-K up and takes him off the desk, he goes and sits down again)

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, that’s Jimmy Fallon, I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

( Jimmy throws the pencil, Baby-K’s music comes on and Tina and Jimmy begin to dance)

Submitted by: Roseanne S. & Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Eric McCormack’s Monologue

…..Eric McCormack
…..Chris Kattan

Eric McCormack: Thank you. Thank you so much. What can I say? I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live” – how happy am I! Most of you probably know me as Will, from “Will & Grace”.. I understand that there may be some questions out here for me tonight. I’m happy to answer them, but let me start with the obviosu one first – No.. I’m not gay. I get that a lot, because my character, Will, is gay.. but I’m not. But I’m happy to answer anything else, though. Anybody?

Male Audience Member #1: Yes, hi, Eric.

Eric McCormack: Hi.

Male Audience Member #1: I don’t really have a question, just more of a comment? Uh.. I just want to say I’m a big fan of “Will & Grace”, I love your work.

Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. thank you very much.

Male Audience Member #1: Oh, by the way, everyone thinks I’m gay, too, but.. I’m not! [ laughs ] Just like you!

Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. uh.. yes, you? [ points to second audence member ]

Male Audience Member #2: [ dressed in cardigan, with a high, snoty voice ] Hi, Eric. I’m not gay, wither. I was hoping you could settle a bet – are your eyes green.. or hazel?

Eric McCormack: Wow.. they are actually green..

Male Audience Member #2: [ to Male Companion ] You owe me a back rub! His eyes are gree, and he’s not gay! We’re not gay, either! [ snickers ]

Eric McCormack: I’m.. I’m not gay..

Male Audience Member #2: Of course.

Eric McCormack: No! I’m not! Somebody else, please. On more question. [ points ] You, sir? [ man clad in leather chaps rises ] Actually, you know what? Not.. not.. not you.. the guy behind you. Yeah?

Male Audience Member #3: Yeah, um.. I’m not gay, either..

Eric McCormack: Great! What’s your question?

Male Audience Member #3: Uh.. do you want to go make out?

Eric McCormack: Okay, look! Will is gay.. I’m not! Is that so hard..?

[ Chris Kattans comes onstage ]

Chris Kattan: McCormack.. McCormack.. it’s okay.

Eric McCormack: I just, you know.. I try..

Chris Kattan: I know! I know! You know what? You’re not gonna beleive this.. but, sometimes, people think I’m gay. [ reveals that he’s wearing Mango outfit underneath ]

Eric McCormack: You?

Chris Kattan: Yeah, I know! Can you believe it?

Eric McCormack: But, you’re so..

Chris Kattan: No, I know, I know! and I’m a happily married man!

Eric McCormack: Yeah?

Chris Kattan: Yeah! Look at this! [ shows picture of himself with butch-looking woman ] That’s my wife – Bernice! And, still, people think I’m gay! I think what you need to do, is look deep down inside, and find that man inside of you, and share it with others.

Eric McCormack: Maybe you’re right.

Chris Kattan: Yeah.

Eric McCormack: Thanks, Chris!

Chris Kattan: You’re welcome. [ winks at audience before exiting stage ]

Eric McCormack: Chris is right! It doesn’t matter what you all think. I know I’m a straight man! I know it!

[ cue music, Eric begins song ]

“And I’ll tell you whyyyyyyy

I love baseball, and boxing,
messing around with tools!
Six-packs, and wrestling,
and smoking a pack of Kools.

I love watching Steve McQueen
movies on the late, late show!
And push-ups, and jumping jacks,
don’t you know!

What I really, really love
more than anything..
are boobies!Boobies!

Boobies in the morning,
boobies in the Spring!
Boobies in my face,
boobies are everything!

Boobiiiiieeeesss!!”

I think I just set the record straight, would you say? We’ve got a great show for you tonight! I’m not gay! Jay-Z’s here, with Lenny Kravitz and Beoynce! so, stick around – I’m not gay – we’ll be right back! I’m not gay! I’m not.. gay!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

John Hancock Life Insurance

Husband…..Eric McCormack
Wife…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Husband and Wife having dinner in a fancy restaurant, frantically whispering to one another across the table – camera pans back and forth between them as they speak ]

Husband: Will you relax? The market always comes back.

Wife: It’s our safety net. You don’t.. screw around with it.

Husband: W-wait as minute.. you think this is easy for me? Do you know the pressure I’m under? Do you know how much college is gonna cost?

Wife: That’s what I’m talking about. What about me and the kids?

[ SUPER: “The average age a women becomes a widow is 56” ]

What happens if you’re attacked by a mountain lion?[ SUPER: “Last year 2 people were killed by mountain lions” ]

Husband: That is not gonna happen.

Wife: I’m sure two people thought the same thing last year. Now their families eat of a dumpster behind Long John Silver’s. They live in constant fear of knife-wielding hobos!

[ SUPER: “Hobos aren’t carefree and loveable” ]

Husband: That’s terrible..

Wife: Yeah. It is. And, at night, while the kids are sleeping under a freeway bridge, I’ll be forced to hang out in a Waffle House parking lot and have sex with truckers for money!

[ SUPER: “The average price for sex in a Waffle House parking lot is $10” ]

Husband: God..

Wife: You think I’m gonna be able to pay for the kids’ college doing that? Is that what you want for our family?

[ SUPER: “John Hancock Life Insurance” ]

Announcer: John Hancock Insurance. Frightening your family since 1862.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Courtroom Bullhorn

Prosecution…..Chris Parnell
Mrs. Schultz…..Amy Poehler
Mr. Marshall…..Eric McCormack
Judge…..Will Forte
Bailiff…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Courthouse ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz.. on the night of July 6th, 2001, you witnessed the brutal murders of Adrienne Morgan, Brad Klein and Tanya Reuben. Tell us, in your own words, what you saw.

Mrs. Schultz: [ uneasy ] Well, I saw that man.. and he..

[ Mr. Marshall holds up a bullhorn and lets out an extended siren ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. I’m going to have to ask you to refrain fom using your bullhorn. Alright? This is a courtroom. Not a football arena. Prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you, Your Honor. Once again, Mrs. Schultz, please tell us in your own words what you saw.

Mrs. Schultz: Yes, um.. [ points to Mr. Marshall ] I saw that man..

[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. What did I just ask you, less than thirty seconds ago? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I asked you to refrain from using your bullhorn. Alright? Now, I appreciate the fact that that one was a little bit shorter. Alright? But my patience is running thin here. Okay? And one more time, and I may have to send the bailiff over there to confiscate that horn. I don’t want to have to do that. Alright, prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz? Again. What did you see the night of July 6th, 2001?

Mrs. Schultz: I saw that man, and-

[ Mr. Marshall emits a quick siren blast from his bullhorn ]

Mrs. Schultz: ..he.. he..

Judge: [ bangs gavel ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits two quick siren blasts ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits three quick siren blasts ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel three times ]

[ the siren blasts and gavel bangs compete fiercely enough to sound like aggressive Morse Code signals ]

[ extended silence after the Judge bangs his gavel ]

[ Mr. Marshall continues his siren blasts, as the Judge quickly follows suit by banging his gavel ]

[ silence again, until Mr. Marshall emits an extended siren blast over the Judge’s repeating gavel banging ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Mr. Marshall. I don’t even know how to describe that last one. It was both long and short at the same time. Alright. But, look.. I’m gonna give you one last chance. Or, do you know what I’ll do? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I’ll confiscate that bullhorn. Alright, prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: July 6th, 2001, what did you see?

Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-

[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren, over repeated gavel bangs from the Judge ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Back to the long one, huh? Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall’s bullhorn.

[ Bailiff confiscates the bullhorn ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, nobody comes into this courtroom, and dispalys that kind of disrespect. Alright? Nobody. [ whispers ] Nobody. Alright. Prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you. [ quickly ] 7/6/01, what happened?

Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-

[ Mr. Marshall whips out a second bullhorn, and blares the notes from “London Bridge” ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ] Mr. Marshaaall. You have a second bullhorn, don’t you? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] Alright. I, uh, must inform you that the same rules that I instituted for that first bullhorn are in full effect for this bullhorn as well. Alright?

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: They’re in full effect for-

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: They are in full–

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall’s other bullhorn.

[ Bailiff confiscates the second bullhorn ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, I hope you miss this one ver-y much. I hope the loss of this bullhorn stings to the ver-y core of your soul. [ Mr. Marshall hangs his head ] Alright. Now, the prosecution may finally–

[ Mr. Marshall whips out a third bullhorn, and blares a tune ]

Judge: Oh, brother! Three bullhorns?! [ Mr. Marshall shrugs ] Now, Mr. Marshall, you’ve displayed an amazingly cavalier attitude toward the justice system here today. [ a beat ] But I like the cut of your jib! That’s right. And, for that reason, I hereby fine you innocent!

Prosecution: [ outraged ] What?!

Judge: And this case.. is dism-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

Judge: This case is di-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, I’m trying to help you-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Verizon

Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan
Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch

Voiceover: How big a hypocrite is Andy Talarico? According to the Asbury Park Press, Mr. Talarico has run a campaign based almost exclusively on asking people to call Ellen Frankel. But, now, when voters try to call him, they’re told his number’s not in service.

Operator Recording: ..The number you have reached is no longer in service..

Voiceover: That’s right – all phones at Talarico Campaign Headquarters have been disconnected.

Operator Recording: ..No further information is available at this time..

Voiceover: Fact: Andy Talarico’s home phone number is 201-555-0199. Call Andy Talarico at home. Tell him that disconnecting his phones is unfair to Ellen Frankel, and a dirty way to win an election.

Andy Talarico. Wrong for seniors. Wrong to disconnect his phones.

[ SUPER: “Paid for by Verizon” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Fairness in Negative Attack Ads

Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan
Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch

Voiceover: Ellen Frankel is getting desperate. Her latest trick? Asking voters to call Andy Talarico, to tell him to stop asking them to call her, to tell her to stop distorting his record.

Fact: Andy Talarico has never supported any change to social security.

Call Ellen Frankel. Tell her to stop the lies. Or, at the very least, to stop asking voters to call Andy Talarico, to tell him to stop urging them to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop the lies. And, to stop the phone calls.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Frankel For Congress

Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan
Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch

Ellen Frankel Voiceover: The following is paid for by Frankel For Congress: 2002.

Voiceover: Just how low will Andy Talarico sink? Now, he’s running ads urging voters to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop revealing the facts about his record. But, according to the Newark Star Ledger, Andy Talarico did vote to privatize social security. Maybe that’s why the New York Daily News calls Andy Talarico “A pathological liar.”

Call Andy Talarico. Tell him to stop asking voters to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop talking about his record. A record that’s wrong for seniors.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Talarico For Congress

Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan
Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch

Andy Talarico Voiceover: The following is paid for by Friends of Talarico For Congress.

Voiceover: Ellen Frankel is at it again, frightening seniors and lying about Andy Talarico’s record.

Fact: According to the New York Times, Andrew Talarico did not vote to privatize social security.

No wonder Andrew Talarico has been called “our seniors’ best friend in Congress.” Call Ellen Frankel, tell her to stop frightening seniors, and to stop the lies.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 2nd, 2002

Eric McCormack

Jay-Z

None

Steve Higgins

Lenny Kravitz

Beyonce
Giuliani’s Endorsement AdsSummary: Rudolph Giuliani (Darrell Hammond) pre-records campaign endorsements.

Recurring Characters: Rudolph Giuliani.

Montage

Eric McCormack’s MonologueSummary: When audience members think Eric McCormack is gay in real-life, he performs a musical number in order to prove them wrong.

Transcript

The BachelorSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) wants to be bachelor Aaron’s (Eric McCormack) wife.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

Game NightSummary: Rachel (Rachel Dratch) goes on a rampage when she loses a game of Celebrity.

Talarico For CongressSummary: Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan) advises voters to call Ellen Frenkel (Rachel Dratch).

Transcript

Frankel For CongressSummary: Ellen Frenkel (Rachel Dratch) tells voters to call Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan).

Transcript

American MorningSummary: The morning news takes a back seat when Paula Zahn (Tina Fey) falls in love with her co-host, Brent Dunlop (Eric McCormack).

Recurring Characters: Paula Zahn.

Transcript

Fairness in Attack AdsSummary: Call Ellen Frankel (Rachel Dratch), not Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan).

Transcript

Jay-Z & Lenny Kravitz perform “Guns & Roses”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Gene Shalit (Horatio Sanz) makes bad puns for the movies he didn’t like. A desktop dance rap is performed by Jay-Z crew member Baby K (Jeff Richards).

Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit, Baby K.

Transcript

The BullhornSummary: A judge (Will Forte) is angered when a defendant (Eric McCormack) repeatedly interrupts trial proceeings by blaring multiple bullhorns.

Transcript

VerizonSummary: Andy Talarico’s (Chris Kattan) phones have been disconnected.

Transcript

Z105Summary: Councilman Bill Gik (Eric McCormack) is unable to get a word in while a guest on multi-character disc jockey Joey Mack’s (Jimmy Fallon) morning zoo.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

Transcript

John Hancock Life InsuranceSummary: Insurance packages that specialize in the most extreme worst-case scenarios.

Transcript

Jay-Z & Beyonce perform “03 Bonnie & Clyde”

Jackass: The MusicalSummary: An actor portrays Johnny Knoxville (Eric McCormack) in a traditional musical performance, complete with puke.

Reggie’s StoriesSummary: Barmaid (Maya Rudolph) sets Reggie (Tracy Morgan) straight on his tall-tale stories.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story

Gillian Woodward…..Amy Poehler
Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
David Pemberton…..Sen. John McCain
Police Chief…..Chris Parnell
Judge…..Darrell Hammond
Counselor…..Chris Kattan
The Real Gillian Woodward…..Rachel Dratch

Voiceover: [ over SUPER: “Although the following is based on actual events, some story elements have been altered, and fictional situations added, for dramatic effect. In some instances, events are presented in precisely the opposite way from which they actually occurred.

“Certain characters are fictional. Some are composites of two or more real individuals. Others are composites of one real, and one fictional character. While still others are composites of several fictional characters.

“In many instances, statistics cited in the film, relating to society’s are misleading or erroneous.

“Finally, while the events depicted did not actually take place in Vancouver, British Columbia, the story, for financial and budgetary reasons, is set there.” ]

[ Title Card: “To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story” ]

[ SUPER: “Vancouver, British Columbia 1999” over Vancouver skyline ]

[ dissolve to interior, Gillian Woodward’s office, as she talks on headset phone ]

[ SUPER: “Starring Amy Poehler as Gillian Woodward” ]

[ SUPER: “Senator John McCain (Rep., AZ) as David Pemberton” ]

[ “Valerie Bertinelli, Peter Strauss, Nancy McKeon, Judith Light” ]

[ “With a special appearance by Barry Bostwick” ]

Gillian Woodward: ..Yes, Milan went well. I was very happy. That was last month; we’re talking about Tokyo. I do care; it has our name on it. Call me the moment you hear.

[ a knock at the door ]

Gillian Woodward: It’s open!

Jessica: I can’t believe you are still here.

Gillian Woodward: Jessica, the Tokyo show is in three days.

Jessica: Ugh. What are you trying to prove? Isn’t it enough that you went out and accomplished what they said no woman would ever achieve – starting your own cosmetics company? When are you going to relax?

Gillian Woodward: After Tokyo.

Jessica: How are things with your marriage?

Gillian Woodward: [ her face stings ] Fine.. why do you ask?

Jessica: Girlfriend, when one of the country’s top CEOs spends this much time in the office, she’s probably avoiding something at home.

Gillian Woodward: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but David and I couldn’t be happier.

[ slow zoom to framed desk picture of Gillian and David ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Gillian and David’s house ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Gillian enters house ]

David Pemberton: Hello, Gillian.

Gillian Woodward: [ screams in fear ]

David Pemberton: I missed you.

Gillian Woodward: What are you doing here?!

David Pemberton: The conference was cut short.. so I rushed back to see you.

Gillian Woodward: David. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. You scared me half to death!

David Pemberton: Forgive me, darling. You know I would never hurt you.

[ dissolve to Gillian in the shower, as David appears behind her ]

David Pemberton: You’re so lovely.

Gillian Woodward: [ freaked ] Oh!

David Pemberton: I could watch you for hours.

Gillian Woodward: Oh, my God, David! How did you get in here?!

David Pemberton: The door was open, Angel. Shall I loofa your back?

Gillian Woodward: No, no, dont! I just need a moment to myself.. I’ll be in in a minute.

David Pemberton: I’ll be waiting, my love. We were meant to be together.

[ dissolve to Gillian’s office the next day, as Jessica enters ]

Jessica: Are we still on for tonight? Is something wrong?

Gillian Woodward: Jessica.. the other day, when I told you that everything was fine with my marriage.. that wasn’t true.

Jessica: What’s the problem?

Gillian Woodward: It’s David. He was always affectionate. But, lately, he’s been following me around.. hovering.. invading my personal space. I’ll come home from work, and hee’s there, waiting. Or, I’ll be getting into bed, and, suddenly, he’ll lie down beside me.

Jessica: Have you been to the police?

Gillian Woodward: I don’t think they’d believe me. It’s all too surreal.

Jessica: Girlfriend, get your coat. You’re coming with me.

[ dissolve to exterior, police station ]

[ dissolve to interior, Police Chief at desk talking to Gillian and Jessica ]

Police Chief: [ sighs ] Now, let me get this straight. David Pemberton is your husband?

Gillian Woodward: Yes.

Police Chief: And, you’re not in the process of divorce or separation?

Gillian Woodward: No.

Police Chief: He’s never threatened you, or used force against you?

Gillian Woodward: No.

Police Chief: [ sighs ] Forgive me, Miss Woodward, but I don’t see where a crime has been committed here.

Jessica: You mean to tell me that he can invade her personal space repeatedly, and you can’t do a thing about it?! That it’s all perfectly legal?!

Police Chief: Well.. yes.

Gillian Woodward: Suppose it was the other way around? Suppose I was invading David’s personal space?

Police Chief: That would be different. He’s a man. Naturally, we take crimes against men more seriously. But here, I’m afraid my hands are tied.

Jessica: Well, not ours. If you can’t arrest him, we’ll take him to court. We’ll sue!

Gillian Woodward: Jessica.. David is a powerful man in the community. What lawyer would ever take this case?

Jessica: I’ll represent you.

Gillian Woodward: But, you’re not a lawyer.

Jessica: First in my class at Stanford Law School.

Gillian Woodward: You have a Law degree, and yo’ve never used it?

Jessica: Well.. when I graduated in 1996, there were very few states where women were allowed to practice law.

Police Chief: That’s true.

Gillian Woodward: Are you sure you want to do this?

Jessica: If you can handle it.. I can.

[ dissolve to exterior, Superior Courthouse ]

[ dissolve to interior, trial taking place ]

Judge: Mr. Pemberton, for the last time, you are not allowed in the witness stand while your wife is testifying.

[ show David sitting at witness stand next to Gillian ]

David Pemberton: I’m sorry, your Honor. I can’t be away from her for long.

Judge: Your witness, Counselor.

Counselor: [ approaches bench, sighs ] Miss Woodward.. kindly tell the court, are you currently married to the defendent, Mr. Pemberton?

Gillian Woodward: Yes.

Counselor: And, you are not in the process of a divorce or a separation?

Gillian Woodward: No, but-

Counselor: And the defendent has not used force against you, or threatened you in any way?

Gillian Woodward: No.

Counselor: No futher questions, your Honor.

Judge: The witness may step down. [ Gillian steps down ] Alright. Unless I’m missing something, it would apear that no actual crime has been committed here. This court therefore fines for the defendent, and orders the plaintiff, Miss Woodward, to pay all costs and attorneys fees.

Counselor: Thank you, your Honor.

Judge: This court is adjourned! [ bangs gavel ]

Jessica: I’m sorry, Gillian. I know how you must feel.

Gillian Woodward: You know how I feel? Like I’ve had my personal space invaded all over again. And it makes me angry!

Jessica: Angry enough to file an appeal?

Gillian Woodward: If it means other women are spared what I went through.. absolutely!

Jessica: That’s what I thought you’d say.

David Pemberton: [ leaning in, joining the two women for a group hug ] I’ll be right down with you, darling.

[ dissolve to SUPERS: ]

[ “Gillian Woodward continues to reside in Vancouver.” ]

[ “In October, 2002, her case was still on appeal.” ]

[ “Every six seconds in this county, a woman’s personal space is invaded by her husband or domestic partner.” ]

[ “David Pemberton continues to reside with Gillian Woodward, and to invade her personal space.” ]

[ “He remains a free man.” ]

[ dissolve to Amy Poehler standing next to the real Gillian Woodward ]

Amy Poehler: Hello. I’m Amy Poehler. And this is Gillian Woodward, who actually lived the nightmare portrayed in tonight’s film.

The Real Gillian Woodward: Well.. I wouldn’t call it a “nightmare”. [ laughs nervously ]

Amy Poehler: What made you decide to break your silence?

The Real Gillian Woodward: Uh.. well, this whole thing started when I told someone in my exercise class that my husband has this weird habit of standing too close to me, and that it was kind of annoying. Next thing I know, her sister, who was a producer for Lifetime, was trying to buy the rights to my story. I thought they were nuts!

Amy Poehler: Having lived it, was it really hard for you to watch this film?

The Real Gillian Woodward: Well.. it really bothers me that they keep saying we lived in Vancouver. Um.. our four-year old thought we moved there without him.

Amy Poehler: And how are things for you today?

The Real Gillian Woodward: Oh.. [ chuckles ] ..fine! Um.. it turned out my husband just had a hearing problem, and he was too embarrassed to admit it! We’re very happy.

Amy Poehler: That’s great.

The Real Gillian Woodward: Oh, and another thing – we never went to court, so..

Amy Poehler: Gillian, thank you for your courage and your truth.

The Real Gillian Woodward: Okay, whatever!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts