Bravery & Unity


Bravery & Unity

Sir Kenneth Chandler…..Pierce Brosnan
Private Louis Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Lieutenant Colonel Robert Ward…..Will Ferrell
Lieutenant Colonel Gniewko Lubecki…..Darrell Hammond
Patrick O’Harrington…..Jimmy Fallon
Filipe Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz


Narrator: September, 1944. The allied forces embark on Operation Marketgarden, a surprise airborne assault on German troops in Holland and Belgium. If the attack was going to succeed, the allies needed all the help it could get.

[ show host, Sir Kenneth Chandler, seated in his study ]

Sir Kenneth Chandler: In August of 1944, the British advance troops joined forces with an underseas command unit from Krapog. The Poles, of course, hated the Germans and were eager to help. But, sadly, they all perished. It seems that, due to a crucial design flaw, the Polish had built their submarines with screen doors. More than 70 men died that day.

Narrator: With Poland unable to assist, the Allies turned to Greece for help.

Sir Kenneth Chandler: The Greeks had a tremendous sense of brotherhood and fraternity. The men were very close to one another – after all, their motto was “Never Leave Your Buddy’s Behind”. Soldiers of all ages fought together. Why, among the Greek soldiers, the only way to separate the men from the boys was with a crowbar.

Narrator: The reinforcements helped, but as the operation wore on, Allied casualties mounted.

Private Louis Jones: Why did so many African-Americans die in the war? I’ll tell you: every time they started firing on us, Sarge would yell, “Get down!”, and me and my friends would jump up and start dancing. I watched six of my best friends die while doing the Funky Chicken.

Lieutenant Colonel Robert Ward: We were outside Demengen, and a friend of mine, a Jewish guy named Goldblat.. he stepped on a landmine, and.. we rushed over to him, and he was lying there bleeding – there was nothing we could do. We asked Goldblat, “Are you comfortable?” And he said, “Ah, I make a decent living.” He died in my arms.

Narrator: The operation was proving to be too ambitious. Pockets of Allied airborne troops were surrounded. Many were taken prisoner.

Lieutenant Colonel Gniewko Lubecki: [ speaking in German, translated into English ] My entire Polish realm was captured in . A friend of mine, a friend who grew up right down the street from me in Warsaw, was driven insane in the prison. They put my friend Stanislaus in a round room, and told him to sit in a corner. But it was a round room! There was no corner! Where was he to sit?! He took his own life.

Narrator: The Allied units, under great duress, still managed to find joy in simple pleasures, like Christmas dinner. It meant a lot to the troops, especially the 101st at Osterly.

Sir Kenneth Chandler V/O: [ over re-creation ] A soldier named Patrick O’Harrington, prepared a traditional Irish seven-course meal – a potato and a six-pack of beer. Burritos and tacos were provided by Felipe Gonzalez, who invited 300 of his Mexican friends from the 94th Infantry. More would have come, but they only had two jeeps.

Lieutenant Colonel Robert Ward: That was some kind of unit, we had people from all over.. we had a half-Italian, half-Pole named Antonio Wojcesak. He made me an offer I couldn’t understand. There was Pepe Chun, a half-Hispanic, half-Asian who stole an enemy Jeep but he couldn’t drive it. Then there was my friend Elmer Watkins from Alabama. He spent all of his time writing to his wife, and his sister, and his mother. He only had to write to one person. War is hell.

Narrator: Next week on the History Channel – an examination of Chinese beverage contamination warfare, entitled “Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me Put Pee-Pee In Your Coke.”

SNL Transcripts

Save The Starving Actresses


Save The Starving Actresses

…..Lara Flynn Boyle


Lara Flynn Boyle: Hi. I’m Lara Flynn Boyle, and I wanted to take a moment of your time to discuss a very important issue. For the last two years, I have devoted myself to a cause that has touched my life. It is a foundation called Save the Starving Actresses.. and we desperately need your help. For just the price of a cup of coffee, you can buy Courtney Cox.. a cup of coffee. And, believe me, it would be a wonderful start. For as little as seven cents a day, you can sponsor a starving actress.

Here is little Calista. Calista lives in a remote part of Los Angeles where the only nourishment available to her is bottled water and David E. Kelley’s approval. But, thanks to the Starving Actresses Foundation, Calista has been receiving shipments of the food she so desperately needs – foods like Pam, Snackwells and Marlboro Lights.

And I am much more than just a spokesperson for the charity. SSAF has saved my life. This is me six months ago. [ shows picture of herself ] I know it is hard to look at, but please don’t turn away. This story does have a happy ending. This is me now. [ shows second picture with little difference ] I feel so much better.. my teeth aren’t soft anymore. The volunteers at SSAF are specially trained in what we call “Covert Nutrition”. For example, you can’t just walk up to Sarah Jessica Parker and hand her a sandwich. The poor thing wouldn’t know what to do. That’s why SSAF has developed techniques like: putting butter on the back of Renee Zelwegger’s postage stamps; soaking Portia de Rossi’s Altoids in bacon fat; or, in my case, dipping Jack Nicholson in thousand island dressing,

We are making progress, but our problem isn’t going away. Don’t wait until Jennifer Aniston falls through a subway grate. Please, pick up the phone now. If you choose to become a sponsor, you will receive a letter from your actress, and an update of her progress. I personally still write to my sponsor: [ reads letter ] “Dear Mrs. Johnson, thank you so much for the Fruit Roll Ups. I wore them to the Golden Globes.” Please, please, won’t you please Save the Starving Actresses. It is a cause that is so close to my heart. Of course, my nipples are close to my heart. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 05/19/01: Christopher Walken’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 20




00t: Christopher Walken / Weezer

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken
…..Jimmy Fallon
Dancing Girls…..Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, Tina Fey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!

Christopher Walken: Thank you. It’s good, as always, to be here. It’s a treat. But this time, it’s extra special because it’s the final show of the season. After how many shows, Jimmy? 505, actually. 505, Wow! I’ve done it five times – what’s that? A drop in the bucket. So I thought, “What can I do to make my mark?” And then, I thought, “Well, I’ll sing a song.”

[ singing ]

“Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that
Goodness knows where the end will be
Or I don’t know where it’s at.
It looks as if we two will never be one
Something must be done.
You say potato, and I say potato
You say tomato, and I say tomato
Potato, potato
Tomato, tomato
Let’s – “

Jimmy Fallon: Chris?

Christopher Walken: Jimmy, wazzup!

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry to interrupt. I don’t know if that’s how the song goes.

Christopher Walken: What do you mean?

Jimmy Fallon: You’re singing the words the same. You have to say, likw, tomayto, tomahto. Tomahto, potahto.

Christopher Walken: Tomahto? What’s that?

Jimmy Fallon: It’s just how they say it.

Christopher Walken: Okay, I’ll give it a try.

[ singing ]

“You say potahto, I say potahto
You say totahto, I say totahto
Tomahto, potahto
Potahto, potahto, tomahto, tomahto -“

Jimmy Fallon: Chris, I’m so sorry. You’re doing it the other way now. And I think you have to alternate them.

Christopher Walken: Alternate, shmaltermate! Jimmy, look, they’re all spelled the same on the cards. What do you want from my life?

Jimmy Fallon: I think you’re supposed to go – potayto, potahto..

Christopher Walken: Jim, how old are you?

Jimmy Fallon: I’m 26.

Christopher Walken: Ouch! Look, son.. sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Let me show you. And a-one, and a-two –

[ singing ]

“I say potayto, and I say potayto
You say tomayto, and I say tomayto
Potayto, potayto
Tomayto, tomayto
Let’s call the whole thing off.
But, oh, if we call the whole thing off, and we must part
And, oh, if we ever part
Then that might break my heart.

So if you like pajamas, and I like pajamas
I’ll wear pajamas, and give up pajamas
For we know we need each other
So we better call the whole thing off
Let’s call the whole thing
Let’s call the whole thing –
Let’s not call the whole thing o-o-off
Let’s not call the whole thing off!”

We’ve got a wonderful show – Weezer is here!

[ singing ]

“You say Weezer, and I say Wizer
Weezer, wizer -“

Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Kattan
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Winona Ryder


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, First Daughter Jenna Bush was given community service after pleading “No Contest” to underage drinking charges. Her father insists Jenna is going through a rebellious stage, and “Just like me, she’ll grow out of it in 27 years.”

Massachusetts Governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas.

At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school past with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.

Jimmy Fallon: You know, Tina, last week, N*Sync’s Joey Fatone was rushed to the hospital after tripping during rehearsal, when he got his foot stuck in a trap door. Here now with a terrible re-enactment of that event, is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: [ steps out, pretends to sing “Bye, Bye, Bye”, then falls ] Ow, my foot! Trap door! I’m Joey Fatone!

Tina Fey: Thank you, Chris, that was terrible.

A new e-mail computer virus is sweeping across the globe that automatically opens a pornographic web site on the victim’s screen. Authorities say they intend to track down the hacker responsible for the virus, just as soon as somebody complains.

Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly lost close to 20 pounds since the leaving the White House. The pounds were taken from him by British whores.

Jimmy Fallon: Slowly getting that! Here now with a friendly reminder on “Weekend Update”, is alumni anchor Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Jimmy! Uh, I just want to take a moment here, if I may, to clear up some confusion. For a number of years, I was a castmember here at “Saturday Night Live”, but I haven’t been since 1995, some 6 years ago. And yet, some people stil come up to me and say, “Mr. Nealon, it’s Saturday. Shouldn’t you be getting out to New York for the show?” Or, “Hey, Mr. Nealon, you were funny on the show last night, love that Mr. Subliminal!” And then I have to explain that I’m not on the show anymore, what you’re watching are reruns on Comedy Central.

You see, I’m not a part of this cast – overrated. I don’t even know these people. I really don’t. And, to be honest with you, I have no connection whatsoever with this show anymore – lawsuit. In fact, I have not seen Lorne Michaels in, like, four years – restraining order. And quite frankly, it takes everything I have to stay up this late right now – coked up. So, once again, I am no longer on this show. I’m off doing bigger and better things right now – “Hollywood Squares”. I guess you could say that I moved on – trailer park – and that’s good.

Jimmy Fallon: So, let me understand.. you are not on the current cast?

Kevin Nealon: No, Jimmy. Now, don’t let my being here tonight confuse you – George W. – this is actually a live show that you’re watching, unless, of course, you’re doing something else – hot sex – I don’t know. Now, Jimmy’s lucky here, because he’s up here working with people like Tina Fey – lesbo – and that’s great; of course, not to mention, the other cast – white trash – they’re all great, they’re all great. And, yes, I left, and sometimes people do that, they leave. Molly Shannon was a part of this cast, and now she’s off doing movies – porno – and so, now where you see me is on the reruns. Enjoy them. I think they still hold up – residual checks – I really do.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s good to know. Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you.. thank you, Jimmy Fallon – lesbo – it’s nice to be back.

Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Nealon, everybody! The one and only!

The L.A. District Attorney’s office said Monday that Robert Downey, Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrest last month. But, to save time, they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrest next month.

Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James van der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, van der Beek said, “They were FILMING that?”

Jimmy Fallon: And now for “Weekend Update”‘s thrilling season-ending cliffhanger, with very special guest star Winona Ryder.

Tina Fey: Jimmy.. when did you start wearing glasses?

Jimmy Fallon: I got my eyes checked last week. I found out I need glasses.

Tina Fey: Are you gonna wear them next season?

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I mean.. I don’t know.. I-I-I..

Winona Ryder: [ rushes in scene, panicking ] Jimmy! Tina!

Jimmy Fallon: Winona!

Tina Fey: What is it? What’s wrong?

Winona Ryder: One of you.. is the father of my baby..

Jimmy & Tina: Oh, my God.. I’m gonna be a fath-

[ with looks of panic, the screen freezes, as “To Be Continued” appears on the screen; Winona Ryder cracks up in the “frozen” pose ]

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Winona Ryder: And I’m Winona Ryder!

All: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Memorial Day Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”


Memorial Day Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan


Horatio Sanz: About six months ago, we did a little Christmas song, and it was pretty fun. So, we asked if we could do it again. They said, “Come on, man, you can’t sing a Christmas song in May. Why don’t you sing a Memorail Day song?” So this is our Memorial Day song, which is not about Christmas.

One – Two – One, two, three, four!

“I don’t care if it’s Memorial Day,
Christmas is still number one.
I don’t care if it’s almost June,
Christmas is much more fuuuuun.”

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: “I don’t care if you think I’m a fool,
I don’t care about Summer School.
I wish it was Christmas today,
I wish it was Christmas today.”

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what the scientists say,
They don’t believe in Santa anyway.
I don’t care what the psychologists say,
I don’t care, it’s so far away.”

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: “I don’t care about anything,
Except hearin’ those sleigh bells ring-a-ding-ding.
Even though it’s May,
I wish it was Christmas today,
Today and everyday!”

SNL Transcripts

Badger Up His Butt


Badger Up His Butt

Brenda…..Ana Gasteyer
Nat…..Will Ferrell
Jerry…..Jerry Minor
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Christopher Walken


[ open on Brenda giving a bath mat presentation ]

Brenda: So.. if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is gonna be a big seller in our two target areas – the midwest, and the lower midwest. [ Nat claps sarcastically ] Is there a problem, Nat?

Nat: With you? Yeah.

Jerry: Come on, Nat. Brenda really worked hard on this.

Nat: People, we are the Number Two bath mat manufacturer in the U.S., okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats. And you guys just blew it. [ stands ] Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office – but please don’t need me. [ exits ]

Brenda: Wow. What has crawled up his butt?

Jerry: Yeah. That was ridiculous.

Chris: [ enters ] I just passed Nat Turnerson in the hall – can somebody tell me what has crawled up his butt?

Brenda: I know! That’s what I just said!

Jerry: Maybe he’s stressed out.

Rachel: He shouldn’t be – he just took a vacation.

Chris: A lot of good it did him.

Nat: [ re-enters ] Tell me – what is up with this mat? Is this the best this company can do? This is humiliating! I pay you.. for one thing.. to make the flattest, most affordable.. sweet mother of Mary! ..most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period! Oh, good God!! Help me!!

Chris: You know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign.

Rachel: Yeah, I was here ’til 5:00 this morning.

Brenda: Really, Nat, what has crawled up your butt?

Nat: Nothing! .. Good Lord! [ collapses onto the table ]

Brenda: Oh, my God!! Somebody call 911!!

[ cut to ambulance rushing Nat to the hospital ]

[ cut to Nat sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by his co-workers and his doctor ]

Brenda: Nat, are you okay?

Nat: Hey, guys. I’m fine.

Chris: Doctor, what was wrong with him?

Doctor: Nat, here, was admitted with severe trauma to his butt.

Brenda: Do you mean –

Doctor: Yes, I do. Something has crawled up into it.

Jerry: Oh, my God! What was it?

Doctor: According to the X-rays, and my.. limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a badger.

Brenda: A badger? Is that even possible?

Doctor: Apparently, it is.

Nat: I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week..

[ flashback begins ]

[ camera shows a badger’s point of view, as he runs straight into Nat’s butt ]

Nat: [ startled ] What was that?!

[ birds and other wildlife scatter as the badger makes contact ]

[ flash back to the hospital scene ]

Jerry: So, did you get it out?

Doctor: I’m afraid not. At this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the badger.

Jerry: So what are you going to do now?

Doctor: We’re hoping to hold tight.. and hope the badger can turn around and find his way out. Until then.. all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food.

Chris: Are you serious?

Doctor: Of course not. [ everyone laughs ] Painkillers.. could be risky for the badger. There’s one other option – we throw Nat in the back of my van.. and we all head back to my place.. put on some soft music, turn down the lights.. maybe a few candles.. I’ll whip up a Yankee pot roast.. which.. we will place next to Nat’s tailpipe. If there’s one thing a badger can’t resist.. it’s soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast.

Brenda: That almost sounds romantic.

Doctor: Believe me, it isn’t. When the badger smells that pot roast, he’s going to tear right on out of there. It’s hard to watch. [ pause ] Everybody ready? Let’s go! Come on! Give me a hand with this big guy!

[ everyone helps the Doctor remove Nat from the hospital room, as the scene fades to close ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01: Conan O’Brien’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14











00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Conan O’Brien’s Monologue

…..Conan O’Brien
…..Tracy Morgan
Paramedic…..Scott Wainio
…..Max Weinberg
Becky Weinberg

Conan O’Brien: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a really big night for me. As some of you may know, I started out as a writer, right here on “Saturday Night Live”, about ten years ago.. The whole time I was here, I just yearned to be a performer so much.. and, every now and then, they let me play a really small part. You know? And I’d get a few seconds of that sweet on-camera glory – Conan Time, I called it! No one else called it that.. It was small parts, but I did the best I could. Let’s take a moment now, to review some of my fine work.

[ Music Over: “Nobody Does It Better”, Carly Simon ]

[ tape reel plays clips: “Wait At The Bar”, “Waikiki Hockey”, “The Nude Talk Show, 5-Timer’s Monologue, and a scene of a horse; arrows point out Conan’s appearances in the clips ]

[ cut back to Conan in the studio ]

Conan O’Brien: Thank you! Obviously, a lot’s changed since then. I have my own show now – the 12:30 show, the “Late Night” show. In fact, the studio we tape my show in, is right here in this building, Rockefeller Center. It’s just two floors down from where we are now? Would you like to see it? Because I’m so proud that I have my own studio! It’ll be really cool, let’s go see my studio! [ walks through the hall backstage ] Hey, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: My man! C.O.B.! What up, dog!

Conan O’Brien: Yeah, I’m going to show the audience my studio. Would you like to come?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! No doubt! I’ve never seen a television studio before!

Conan O’Brien: Well, great! This’ll be great! Come on, let’s go! It’ll be great, you’ll love it.. [ continues down the hall ] Hey, look! Japanese tourists! Hi! [ they take his picture ] Cool. They have no idea who I am. Uh.. we’re going to go down to my studio, you want to go down to my studio? Come on, let’s go. [ Japanese Tourists follow Conan and Tracy, as he addresses them ] In my country, I’m a very big celebrity. That’s right.. I host my own show.. but now I’m hosting this other show tonight, that is very rare in America – only me and Leeza Gibbons! It’s a very rare honor. Come on, you’re gonna love this, it’s right around this way.. [ they’ve made their way to the next floor ] Isn’t this great?

Tracy Morgan: [ jazzed up ] The C.O.B. Studio!

Conan O’Brien: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! Are we gonna be on TV?

Conan O’Brien: Uh.. well, Tracy, you’re on TV now.

Tracy Morgan: Really?

Conan O’Brien: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: [ moves closer to the camera and holds up his hands ] Brookyn in da house!!

Conan O’Brien: Okay, folks, come on, let’s keep it moving, alright? [ they continue down the hall, as they pass paramedics crouched over a heart attack victim ] Hey there, life-saving paramedics! You want to come see my studio?

Paramedic: Sure! Alright! [ they follow ]

Conan O’Brien: Great! Hey, how about you, Heart Attack Victim? [ no response ] His loss.. let’s go! [ sees his mom ] Hey, it’s my Mom! How are you! [ hugs her ] I can’t believe it! This is my Mom! What are you doing here?

Mom: I came to see you on “Saturday Night Live”, but I got lost.

Conan O’Brien: Oh. Well, I found you, that’s the important thing, Mom. I’m just taking all these wonderful people down to see my studio. You want to come?

Mom: I’d love to!

Conan O’Brien: Yeah, you’ve never seen it before – we’re very distant, yeah! [ Tracy puts his hand around Conan’s Mom ] Uh, get your hand off her, Tracy.. Alright, let’s go, this is great.. [ finally reaches the studio door ] This is my studio! 6-A, where it all happens. This is really cool, you’re gonna love it!

[ Conan opens the doors to his studio, only to find “Late Night” bandleader Max Weinberg straddled atop his desk making love to his wife, Becky ]

Conan O’Brien: Max!

Max Weinberg: Oh, hey, Conan! Hi, Mrs. O’Brien!

Conan O’Brien: Uh.. okay, yeah.. okay, great.. no, no, no, Max! You know, he does this on the weekends.. uh.. we’ll take a little break. When we come back, Don Henley is gonna be here – musical guest.. uh, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Julia Stiles: 03/17/01: Martha Stewart Living



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 15


00o: Julia Stiles / Aerosmith

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today on Martha Stewart Living:

Martha Stewart: Crisp Irish linens, savory corn beef and cabbage, and hot buttery scones: the charming old world traditions of the Emerald Isle. Here in America we honor Saint Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, by donning green, gaily parading, and getting crocked out of our gourds. I’m Martha Stewart. Join me today on “Living” where I’ll show you some innovative ways to class up this unbelievably trashy holiday.

These popular novelty buttons are poorly constructed and potentially offensive. [Holds up a button saying “Irish women do it for Guinness”] I’ll show you how to make a tasteful Saint Patrick’s Day ornament with home made paper and a piece of hand hewn leather. I used my calligraphy set to craft this folksy label pin. It says Canigahadagragaba which is Gallic for, “You must be Irish because my penis is Dublin.” It’s both quaint and humorous.

Nothing says St. Patty’s in America like putting Kelly Green food coloring into everything from potato salad to piss water beer. We’ll use basil clippings from my herb garden to make an all-natural flavorful dye. It not only tints beer this rich emerald color, it also lends a refreshing aroma to the inevitable post-parade curb-side barf. [takes a sip] Mmm. And who can resist making out with a green-tongued stranger. [sticks her green tongue out and winks]

And of course, St. Patrick’S celebrations are the ideal time to put all your favorite green vintage house wares to use. I patina-d this copper kettle and added a decorative handle to make it look like a traditional Leprechaun’s pot of gold. It makes the perfect receptacle for public urination. It’s really such more elegant than relieving yourself against a police car.

So join me later today for a very special “Living” when I try to inject a little decorum into this potato grubbing, ass grabbing, street brawl of a holiday. Because Saint Patrick’s Day isn’t just for the Irish. It’s also for Dirt Baggy alcoholics everywhere … and that’s a good thing.

[Irish music begins to play and Martha does a jig]

Martha Stewart: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

Calista Flockhart’s Monologue

Calista Flockhart’s Monologue

…..Calista Flockhart
Ally McBeal…..Rachel Dratch


Calista Flockhart: Wow! Thanks! Thank you! I am so happy to be here and I am so happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I’ve got to say that I love New York, but I also have to say that it is very expensive. Now I have been going to the ATM machine to get some money, and I pressed the wrong button and I accidentally voted for Buchanan.

(Enter Ally McBeal)

Ally McBeal: Hey, Calista. It’s me, Ally McBeal!

Calista Flockhart: Ally, Ally! What are you doing here, and why do you keep following me around?

Ally McBeal: I just can’t believe you are hosting “Saturday Night Live” without me! I mean, do you think that you would be hosting tonight if you were still doing Checkov on Broadway? I don’t think so! You need me!

Calista Flockhart: And you need a Zanax.

Ally McBeal: (gasps) How can you say that? I thought we had a good relationship!

Calista Flockhart: We do! I just can’t be with you all the time. I mean, you’re so neurotic, you’re weird, you’re idiosyncratic, you’re always freaking out about something and falling down. I mean, why do you act like that?

Ally McBeal: Like, like, like, like what?

Calista Flockhart: Like, like, like, like this!

Ally McBeal: I don’t have time for this, Calista! I need you to introduce me to Ricky Martin. He’s hot. I wonder if he’s dating anyone? How about Jimmy Fallon? Do you think he’s too young for me?

Calista Flockhart: See, Ally, this is the other thing. You are always too desperate. Guys do not like that, you need to calm down. And, oh, I don’t mean to be mean, Ally, but, for God’s sake, eat a burger!

Ally McBeal: (gasps) I, I am fine! This is just how I am!

Calista Flockhart: Oh, right. Whatever, Ally! Now, could you just let me get back to the show and we can talk about this later?

Ally McBeal: No! I want to talk about this now!

Together: What I, I, I don’t understand is, why I can’t be part of your life without feeling that you resent everything I do! All I want is to be appreciated for who I am! Is that too much to ask?”

Calista Flockhart: Alright, we have a great show! Ricky Martin is here! So, stick around, I will be right back!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

A Message from the Vice-President of the United States

A Message from the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond


Dick Cheney: Good evening. I’m Vice President Dick Cheney, here to talk to you about energy. Earlier this week I unveiled the outlines of this administration’s energy policy, a policy which, sadly, has been lacking during the preceding eight years. This policy recognizes America’s growing energy needs and the fact that if our economy is to prosper, energy production is going to have to be increased. Now, some critics have complained that our policy doesn’t place enough emphasis on conservation. A few have even suggested that this is due to the influence of the petroleum industry, which they claim prefers increased consumption to more conservation. This accusation, in my opinion, is ill-informed and does a real disservice to this administration. I’m sorry, that outburst was uncalled for and beneath the dignity of my office. But, as you can see, it’s difficult for me to comment on these charges with out flying off the handle. First, because my personal integrity has been questioned; second, because my entire life has demonstrated a deep commitment to energy conservation. In fact, even my political opponents have acknowledged that I am one of the lowest energy people ever to hold this office. This is not by accident.

See, some years ago as part of my own effort to reduce energy waste, I decided to make a rigorous, thorough analysis of my personality, mannerisms and speaking style, and to eliminate any and all unnecessary nods, winks, shrugs, hand gestures, head movements and tone modulations with the goal of making my personality one-hundred percent energy efficient. Since that time, I’ve steadfastly remained in what I call “Basic Service” or “Energy Saving Mode,” making exceptions only for my eldest daughter’s wedding and, of course, the physical act of making love.

The energy savings have been dramatic. Let me give just one example. In the course of an ordinary five-minute conversation, the typical adult male expends 61 calories a minute. For comparison, actor Roberto Benigni during his acceptance speech at the Oscars two years ago used 47,000. (laughs) I use 2.1. Now, you may ask, does this affect my ability to communicate effectively? Not at all. Even in “Energy Saving Mode” I can convey any human emotion a situation requires.

For example, here’s ELATION: (reading from a card) “Are you joking. I’ve won the 60 million dollar power ball. I don’t believe it. This is a dream. Don’t wake me up.”

Here’s PANIC: (reading from another card) “For the love of God, please, someone help me. A dingo’s got my baby.” Total calories expended: 0.006.

Now, perhaps you are asking yourself: Can I make my own speech this energy efficient? Absolutely. Everything you need to know is contained in one 30-minute tape: “Basic Service: Vice President Dick Cheney’s guide to a flatter, more monotonous speaking style.” It’s part how to and part motivational speech, although it’ll be a somewhat low-key motivational speech. It costs $29.95, but let me state for the record: the profits from this tape do not go to me personally. They go to the big oil companies.

That’s all I have to say. Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

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