Wade Blasingame…..Will Ferrell Perry Meigs…..Ana Gasteyer Johnson Young…..Tracy Morgan Doug Blasingame…..Chris Parnell House Owner…..Horatio Sanz
Wade Blasingame: Hi. I’m Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer – the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?
[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]
How about if they did this:
[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women’s yard ]
Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]
Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:
[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]
No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It’s not!Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I’ve sued over 2,000 canines, and I’m willing to do it for you!
[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]
Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ]
[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]
Wade Blasingame: I’ve been responsible for over 23 dogs put down – and 3 more scheduled to die!
[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]
Dogs don’t deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!
[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]
Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them – but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he’d kill the dog.
[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]
Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember – you wouldn’t let a person do this to your yard:
[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner’s yard and take a crap ]
Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here! [ half-naked man runs off ]
Wade Blasingame: So don’t let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me – Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who’d been simulating a dog’s behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we’ll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]
Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He’s man’s best friend!
Master of Ceremonies…..Chris Kattan American Bachelor Chef…..Charlie Sheen Iron Chef Japanese…..Horatio Sanz Yoko Akino…..Molly Shannon Toshi Taguda…..Chris Parnell Hiroko Yamazaki…..Rachel Dratch Yakimuro Saijo…..Darrell Hammond Emeril…..Chris Parnell
Master of Ceremonies: Today in Kitchen Stadium, the Iron Chef takes on an American challenger, in the battle of Iron Chef Japanese vs. the American Bachelor Chef. The Iron Chef Japanese, Machiharo Karomotu, comes from the Kutimano School of Cooking, and is known for his fusion of western influences in traditional Japanese cuisine. And the American Bachelor Chef, Derek Parsons, worked at a snack bar for two summers, and once made chili to impress a girl he wanted to have sex with.
American Bachelor Chef: What’s up, Japan? I’m gonna kick your ass tonight, just like we kicked your ass in Vietnam!
Master of Ceremonies: Now it is time to introduce today’s theme ingredient. [ pulls cloth ] Shark Heads! The chefs must use shark heads in all of their dishes. [ chefs take their trays of shark heads back to their stoves ] Let’s meet our celebrity judges: Singer Yoko Akino..
Yoko Akino: I’m so happy to be here! [ giggles ]
Master of Ceremonies: Photographer Toshi Taguda..
Toshi Taguda: Yes, ladies, it’s me!
Master of Ceremonies: Fortune Teller Hiroko Yamazaki..
Hiroko Yamazaki: Thank you for having me!
Master of Ceremonies: And famous murderer Yakimuro Saijo..
Yakimuro Saijo: I can’t wait to get my mouth on those shark heads!
Master of Ceremonies: Let’s see how our chefs are doing. Iron Chef Japanese has just taken a shark head, and is rolling them in dry mullen rum.
Yoko Akino: Mmm.. these shark heads look so shiny and delicious! [ giggles ]
Toshi Taguda: What’s that he’s soaking them in? Seaweed juice?
Hiroko Yamazaki: Yes.. it looks like a mixture of seaweed juice, sake, and pureed sparrow eyes.
Yakimuro Saijo: Mmm.. you don’t get food like that in prison, believe me..
[ the judges laugh ]
Master of Ceremonies: The challenger is doing something very unusual.. He has placed a shark head on a round piece of bread.
Hey, Miuto! I found out what’s in the challenger’s dish!
Master of Ceremonies: Uh, yes. What is it?
The bread is called a bagel! The challenger has placed a shark head on the bagel, and is covering it with pizza sauce, and has crushed it up with Pringles and Velveeta!
American Bachelor Chef: I make these at the Superbowl every year, and I always get laid!
[ judges laugh ]
Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has begun a second dish! Mr. Mori Moru is using a very rare and expensive Japanese ingredient.
Toshi Taguda: Is that what I think it is?
Master of Ceremonies: Yes, eel farts.
Toshi Taguda: He’s infusing the rice with eel farts. Very impressive!
Yakimuro Saijo: I can smell them from here! It’s making me so hungry, I could murder someone!
[ the judges laugh ]
Master of Ceremonies: Settle down, famous murderer! You can taste the food, after this commercial.
[ cut to commercial starring Emeril ]
Emeril: Ladies, this is Emeril Legasse, saying breast cancer is a serious problem! Kick it up a notch, check for lumps – bam!!
[ cut back to “Iron Chef” ]
Master of Ceremonies: Iron Chef, do you feel confident about the dishes you are presenting?
Iron Chef Japanese: I have doen the best I can.
Master of Ceremonies: And how about you, American Bachelor Chef? Are you feeling confident?
American Bachelor Chef: Dude, I have no idea what you’re saying right now, but your face is cracking me up! [ laughs ]
Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has prepared three dishes – Shark Head and Seaweed and Sparrow Eyes, Boiled Shark Head, and Shark Head Rice with Eel Farts.
Yakimuro Saijo: I love the seaweed juice, but I thought the eel farts were a little salty.
Yoko Akino: I agree. But I think the Boiled Shark Head is divine! I can’t stop eating it!
Master of Ceremonies: The challenger, also presenting three dishes – Shark Head Nachos, Mini Shark Head Pizzas, and Pillsbury Biscuits with Shark Head.
Hiroko Yamazaki: I am a fortune teller, and I predict these Shark Heads will go in my belly!
Yoko Akino: This pizza is so enticing and so aggressive. It reminds me of my hit song “Blue Jeans On Fire.” [ singing ] “Blue jeans on fire.. Chevrolet Elvis.. Blue jeans on fire.. New York, let’s go!” [ giggles ]
Toshi Taguda: I thought the Shark Head Nachos were delightful. It made me feel American, like I was a man with blue eyes, kissing a girl with a big ass.
Master of Ceremonies: And the winner is… American Bachelor Chef!
American Bachelor Chef: Suck on that, Speed Racer! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Master of Ceremonies: Alright, join us next time on “Iron Chef”, when the theme ingredient will be fish tumors. Good day!
Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer Jeb Bush…..Val Kilmer George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Announcer: When life is uncertain, and results are unclear.. then youmust be in Palm Beach..
[ cue title graphic, dissolve to George W, Al, Katherine Harris, Jeb, andFlorida Supreme Court, dissolve back to title graphic over image of GeorgeW. laughing behind Al’s back ]
[ open on Katherine Harris fixing herself a drink ]
Katherine Harris: Well, Jeb, with the Supreme Court’s ruling to stopthe recount, Al Gore is finally finished. It’s everything I’ve worked for.
Jeb Bush: And what about us, Katherine?
Katherine Harris: Us? [ laughs ] You silly boy! There never wasany “us”. What happened in the skybox at the Dolphins game was.. just afling. I’m gonna be an ambassador! Do you think I’d jeopardize my careerfor some beurocrat named “Jeb”? Ha!
Jeb Bush: It meant more to us than that. [ kisses Katherine ]
Katherine Harris: Stop, you’ll ruin my makeup.
Jeb Bush: Damn you, Katherine! Why.. I have half a mind togive your job back to Nikki Cox.
Katherine Harris: So go ahead. [ pause ] I didn’t think so. Alwaysthe conservative, aren’t you, Jeb?
George W. Bush: [ stumbles into the room ] Hey, hey, it’s me, hey..Uh, Jeb.. the computer’s doing that thing again. Can you fix it for me, so Ican finish my game of Tetris?
Jeb Bush: Of course, Georgie. [ to Katherine ] Even presidents needtheir computers. [ exits room ]
George W. Bush: Hey, Katherine. I’ve been thinking about my cabinet.Who do you think would make a better Secretary of the Interior – Nolan Ryanor The Rock?
Katherine Harris: [ sits him down on the couch ] You’re thinking toohard, George. [ massages his shoulders ] You look.. tense.
George W. Bush: Heck, I just can’t wait ’til all this President junkis over next week.. so I can go back to hunting and executing.
Katherine Harris: Next week? You know you have to President forfour years.
George W. Bush: [ angry ] What?! [ stands ] That blows!I’m gonna kill Dick Cheney! He told me it was like winning a fishingcontest – you win a trophy, you take your picture, and you’re done!
Katherine Harris: Don’t worry – it’ll go by fast, with me byyuor side.
Katherine Harris’ Thoughts: You’ve got him right where you want him,Katherine. [ laughs ]
George W. Bush’s Thoughts: The Rock is stronger. But Nolan Ryan’s wise.Presidenting is hard!
[ Katherine and George W. lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by thearrival of Al Gore ]
Al Gore: Hello, George W.! Hello, Katherine!
Katherine Harris: Al! I thought you were dead.
Al Gore: I’m Al Gore. I just appear to be that way.
George W. Bush: [ angry ] Hey, Al! I saw you on TV today! Youinterrupted the “Rugrats”!
Al Gore: That’s right, George W. I was accusing you of circumventingthe Democratic process in the name of personal ambition.
George W. Bush: [ laughs ] You said “circumventing”!
Al Gore: [ pours himself a drink ] Ms. Harris, isn’t it inappropriatefor you to be here?
Katherine Harris: Guess what, Al? I’m always gonna be here.Everywhere you turn, this face will be staring at you! [ smiles wickedly ]I’m gonna crush you!
Al Gore: Damn you, Woman! Not in front of the boy!
George W. Bush: [ sobbing ] Why are you yelling?! Be friends!
Katherine Harris: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting JusticeScalia for cocktails at the Viscayne Club. [ exits ]
Al Gore: [ sighs, and walks towards George W. ] She’s a real pieceof work.
George W. Bush: Yeah. She’s a “circumvent”! [ laughs ] Right?
Jeb Bush: [ re-enters ] Hey, guys. Dick Cheney just had anotherheart attack..
George W. Bush: [ panics ] No-o-o! He promised he wouldn’t!First, Poppy with the hip replacement, now this! Where are all thegrown-ups? [ runs into the corner and cries ]
[ Al and Jeb sit on the couch ]
Al Gore: Jeb, let me ask you something. You seem to care a lot aboutthis country. When you saw your brother actually had a chance of winning,were you ever tempted to tell everyone how he’s.. well, you know.. “special”?
Jeb Bush: Shh.. I tried.. but believe me – the more people that learnedabout his disability, the more popular he became.. like Tom Arnold.
Al Gore: You’re a good man, Jeb.
Jeb Bush: Only by comparison. [ points to George W. in the corner ]
[ suddenly, Tom Brokaw enters the room ]
Tom Brokaw: Hello, Jeb. Hello, Al.
Jeb Bush: Tom! Tom Brokaw!
Al Gore: [ stands ] What are you doing here?
Tom Brokaw: Well, it was just announced that the Supreme Court willhear arguments Monday afternoon. And Sandra Day O’Conner is pregnant.. withJames Baker’s baby.
[ close-up of Al’s tightened, worried face ]
[ close-up of confused Jeb ]
[ close-up of George W. playing with a ball of yarn like a cat ]
God bless us all!
Al Gore: It’s this town! It’s.. it’s evil.. it’s.. [ singing ]“Palm Bea-each”!
[ fade to title graphic ]
Announcer: And so it goes, in the city called.. “Palm Beach”.
Chris Fowler…..Chris Parnell James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran…..Conan O’Brien “Tiny” Jack O’Dowd…..Chris Kattan Willie Pinckney…..Jerry Minor
(SportsCentury opening sequence)
Chris Fowler: When talking about the century’s greatest boxers, the names of Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, and Muhammad Ali come to mind. But true boxing fans may also recall a less celebrated heavyweight who dominated his sport, from 1912 to 1914. He’s James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran.
(dissolve to photo of a baby sporting a handlebar mustache)
Chris Fowler V/O: He was born James Finian Emmias Moore Garrity Corcorn in Chicago on July 19th, 1889 to an Irish Family.
(Dissolve to black and white film footage of Corcoran prancing about in a boxing ring)
Chris Fowler V/O: After spending his youth trapped in a vat in a meat packing plant, and the rest of his youth starving, Corcoran began boxing, and instantly developed an original pugilistic style that completely baffled his opponents
(Corcoran sits on a stool and talks to a group of reporters)
James Corcoran: : (with heavy Irish accent) The game of boxing requires a healthy diet and training regimen. That’s why each day, I drink thirty-eight quarts of beer and eat eight pounds of salted pork. Of course I rigorously avoid all sunlight and ventilation. Finally each month, without fail, I make sure I move my bowels.
(dissolve to photo of Corcoran holding back a young child with only one hand)
Chris Fowler V/O: Before long “The Gentleman Masher” ran up a string of amateur boxing championship victories over fierce opponents like Kid Regan, who was, in fact, a nine-year-old kid.
(dissolve to small boxing arena, where O’Dowd, and Corcoran are preparing to fight)
Chris Fowler V/O: In 1910, his first professional fight, James Corcoran: : knocked out British lightweight “Tiny” Jack O’Dowd, in a thriller for the ages.
(O’Dowd and Corcoran simply prance around, waving their fists at one-another, as the following round cards appear on the screen: )
(at this point, O’Dowd coughs and Corcoran seizes the opportunity, and lands the only punch of the fight, and knocks O’Dowd out cold)
(dissolve to a newspaper with a headline that reads “O’DOWD GOES DOWN IN 65”, which cuts to Corcoran sitting on the stool talking to more reporters)
Chris Fowler V/O: Corcoran’s victory established him and perhaps the very first trash-talker in sports history.
James Corcoran: : : To the next fighter against whom I spar, let me just say this: I’ll put corn in his muffin! I’ll crimson his face! I’ll butter his bean and serve it to him cold I will! Then I’ll deliver a blow to the mouth area, the blood from which will issue most copiously!
(Cut to old-tyme boxing footage of Jack Johnson fighting)
Chris Fowler V/O: But just two years later, African-American fighters were allowed in the ring, and Corcoran’s domination of the sport would be put to the test.
(Cut back to Corcoran sitting on the stool talking to the press)
James Corcoran: : : Believe you me, I find this son of Africa quite affable. But, still he must get a proper trashing. I plan to crimson his face with a series of dapper lefts, then bring issue to rest a powerful blow, upon his dark and mysterious brow. For as we all know, the muscular African is no match for the lanky, smooth-talking Irishman, and history will prove me correct!
(cut to same arena where the referee brings to two fighters together)
Chris Fowler V/O: On, May 6th, 1914, James Corcoran: : met his first black opponent in the ring: Willie Pinckney.
James Corcoran: : : (tauntingly) Come quickly Pinckney, it’s time for your thrashing! (to crowd) I’ll pepper your porridge!
(the bell sounds, and Pinckney begins rapidly punching Corcoran in the chest and once Corcoran moves to a corner, he begins to land a series of continuous punches to the face. With each punch Corcoran’s head snaps backwards and then comes back.)
James Corcoran: : : (protesting) I DO NOT LIKE THIS! THIS IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF QUENSBERRY RULES!
(A newspaper appears with a headline that reads “COLORED MAN DEFEATS CORCORAN” at the bottom of the page a headline in smaller print reads “World War I Begins.” As the next line is read we see a series of photos showing Corcoran getting the stuffing beaten out of him.)
Chris Fowler V/O: James Corcoran: : ignored the advice of doctors, and attempted to make a comeback, but lost a record 247 fights in a row, all to black men.
(cut to boxing arena where we see Corcoran standing in a corner preparing to fight)
Chris Fowler V/O: Finally, it got to the point where Corcoran would begin bleeding before punches were even thrown.
(the bell rings and a stream of blood begins to flow down the front of Corcoran’s face)
James Corcoran: : : I’LL BASTE YOUR TURKEY!
(cut back to the SportsCentury studio)
Chris Fowler: Three years later, James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran’s career ended. But history will always remember him as a man who fostered a love and respect between Irish-Americans and black people that lasts until this day
(the screen behind Fowler shows a split-screen picture of Pat Buchanan and Sean “P. Diddy” Combs)
David Lee Roth…..Chris Kattan Sen. Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond Right Said Fred…..Conan O’Brien Sen. Evan Bayh…..Chris Parnell Female Senator…..Ana Gasteyer The Guy From Cameo…..Tracy Morgan Toni Basil…..Rachel Dratch Neil Tennant…..Jimmy Fallon Rico Suave…..Horatio Sanz Corey Hart…..Will Ferrell
[ open on exterior, U.S. Capitol Building ]
Announcer: C-Span now resumes coverage of the Senate Judiciary Committee Hearings of the Internet music-swapping site Napster. Over the past several months, the committee has heard testimony from some of the industry’s biggest stars. Now we hear testimony from some of the.. others.
[ dissolve to interior, U.S. Capitol ]
David Lee Roth: Bozadee bop..! ..zitty bop!
Sen. Trent Lott: Yeah. Well, uh, thank you for your testimony, Mr.. Lee Roth..
David Lee Roth: [ tips hat ] Zeebuhla bop! [ exits ]
Sen. Trent Lott: Okay. Next witness, would you please state your name, Sir?
Right Said Fred: Right Said Fred.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Okay, Mr.. Said Fred.. do you have a prepared statement?
Right Said Fred: Yes, Sir, I do. [ turns on boombox to play his one-hit wonder “I’m Too Sexy”, stands up and gyrates ]
Sen. Evan Bayh: Please! We need you to turn off the music!
Right Said Fred: [ turns music off ] I’m sorry, Senator. [ reads statement ] “There was a time when I was to sexy for my shirt. Now I find myself forced to be too sexy for copyright infringement.” [ lowers testimony ] My livelihood depends on my ability to sell copies of my many hit songs, like “I’m Too Sexy”.. and other songs that I may one day write.
Sen. Trent Lott: Uh.. excuse me for a minute, Mr.. Said Fred. Now, we have here up-to-date records, and, since the inception of Napster, your work has bee downloaded.. uh.. let me check here.. [ consults folder ] ..mmm.. okay.. never.
Right Said Fred: I see.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Excuse me, Mr. Said Fred, I need some clarification here. At one point, weren’t you a lot more buff?
Right Said Fred: Uh.. if you will allow me to stand up here.. [ stands ] As you can see, I am still too sexy for my shirt.
[ senators discuss Right Said Fred’s statement amongst themselves ]
Female Senator: Actually, it is the opinion of this committee that you are not.
Right Said Fred: [ sits ] Okay.. I’ve, uh.. I’ve had some hard times.. eventually, I became too sexy for my gym membership fee.
Sen. Trent Lott: Okay. Thank you for coming in.
Right Said Fred: Yeah, so, is there food here? How does it work..?
Sen. Trent Lott: Thank you for coming in! Next wintess!
[ Right Said Fred exits, as The Guy From Cameo enters ]
Female Senator: Could you please state your name for the record?
The Guy From Cameo: Word Up! I’m the Guy From Cameo. Word Up!
Sen. Evan Bayh: I’m sorry.. I don’t remember you. What was your hit song?
The Guy From Cameo: [ is briefed by his lawyer before being allowed to answer.. ] Word Up!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Still don’t.. uh.. how does it go?
The Guy From Cameo: Word Up!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Alright. Uh.. do you have a statement to make?
The Guy From Cameo: Yes, I do, Senator. [ puts on reading glasses, takes piece of paper out of pocket, unfolds it and reads.. ] “Word Up!”
Sen. Evan Bayh: Alright. Thank you for your time. Thank you.
Sen. Trent Lott: Next witness, please, Toni Basil. [ Toni runs in, dressed in her 80’s cheerleader outfit ] Oh-ho-okay! I remember you! “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine! you’re so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey!”
Toni Basil: That’s correct, Senator Lott!
Sen. Trent Lott: Are you prepared to give your statement?
Toni Basil: Um.. actually, no. I don’t even know why I’m here. I just got an official summons to show up here in this outfit.
Sen. Trent Lott: Oh, uh.. sorry about that. Strom Thurmond and I just have a thing for cheerleaders!
[ Strom Thurmond waves seductively to Toni ]
Female Senator: You’re excused.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Next! [ Neil Tennant enters ] State your name.
Neil Tennant: I’m Neil Tennant. I used to be a part of The Pet Shop Boys.
Sen. Evan Bayh: Right. And what do you do now?
Neil Tennant: These days, I work in an actual pet shop. But I’m planning a big comeback. In a west end town, a dead end world. The eastern boys and west end girls..”
Female Senator: Please, Sir, stop singing.
Neil Tennant: “What have I.. what have I.. what have I done to deserve this?”
Female Senator: I said stop singing.
Neil Tennant: I wasn’t singing! I’m flat broke, and I work in a pet shop! What have I done to deserve this?
Sen. Trent Lott: Next witness!
[ Neil Tennant exits, as Rico Suave enters ]
Sen. Evan Bayh: What the..? Could you state your name, please?
Rico Suave: Ri-co! Sua-ve! Yea-eah!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Man.. you’ve really let yourself go! How did you let that happen to yourself?
Rico Suave: Chocolate.. donuts! Yea-eah!
Sen. Evan Bayh: Next!
[ Corey Hart enters in a wheelchair ]
Corey Hart: I’m Corey Hart.
Female Senator: Good Lord! What happened to you?
Corey Hart: I wore my sunglasses at night, and I ended up in a pretty serious car accident.
Sen. Trent Lott: Listen, does anyone have anything relevant to say here?
Right Said Fred: [ enters wearing a beekeeper costume ] I, uh, have some testimony that I think you’ll find quite interesting.
Sen. Trent Lott: Who are you?
Right Said Fred: I’m the.. Beekeeper.. from The Village People!
Sen. Trent Lott: Very well, you may present your, uh..
Sen. Evan Bayh: Wait a minute! There was no Beekeeper in The Village People!
Sen. Trent Lott: It’s you, isn’t it, Right Said Fred?
Right Said Fred: [ removes his bonnet in shame ] Yeah, it’s me! Please! Somebody feed me! I’m not too sexy to eat day-old bagels, just anything!
Sen. Trent Lott: [ bangs gavel ] Let’s take a recess. Somebody please give this poor retch a muffin..
…..Charlie Sheen Woman #1 In Audience…..Paula Pell Man #1 In Audience….. …..Tracy Morgan Man #2 In Audience…..Steve Higgins Man #3 In Audience…..Dennis McNicholas Woman #2 In Audience…..Meredeith Walker
Charlie Sheen: Thank you very much, thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m excited, because I joined the cast of “Spin City” this year. Thank you. It was amazing to get the role, ’cause, you know, I’ve lived a pretty wild life, with the drinking, and the hookers, and the drugs.. and the hookers.. I’m not proud of what I did, but I don’t mind talking about my experiences if they can help somebody, you know? So, if anyone has any questions.. [ acknowledges audience member ] Yes. You.
Woman #1 In Audience: Hey, Charlie. If I was a hooker, how much could I charge?
Charlie Sheen: [ bothered by the question ] Pardon me?
Woman #1 In Audience: Just a ballpark figure – and I won’t do any of the kinky stuff, either. What do you think?
Charlie Sheen: I don’t know.. $100, maybe?
Woman #1 In Audience: Really? Wow! Thank you!
Charlie Sheen: You’re welcome. [ points to man in audience ] Yes. You.
Man #1 In Audience: Hey, Chas-man. How much do you think I could get for this bag of weed? [ holds it up ]
Charlie Sheen: Well.. uh.. actually, I don’t know.. I never really smoked that much weed..
Man #1 In Audience: That’s cool.. uh.. how about, uh.. this bag? [ pulls out bag of cocaine ]
Charlie Sheen: [ looks carefully ] $1200.
[ Tracy Morgan approaches Man #1 and makes his purchase ]
Charlie Sheen: Anyone else?
Man #2 In Audience: Hey, Charlie Sheen!
Charlie Sheen: Uh, yes, your question?
Man #2 In Audience: Yeah, I saw that garbageman movie you made with your brother.
Charlie Sheen: You mean, “Men At Work”?
Man #2 In Audience: You tell me. Did you make another garbageman movie with your brother?
Charlie Sheen: Uh, no, I didn’t.. just “Men At Work”.. [ takes out his wallet ] Did you see it at night, or during the day?
Man #2 In Audience: Night.
Charlie Sheen: You probably had a date, bought some popcorn – looking at you, it’s probably a big tub.. [ hands him some money ] Here you go.. [ Man #2 takes the money ] Like I said, I’m not proud of my past. [ hand is raised ] Yes?
Man #3 In Audience: Uh.. would you see if that woman who asked the first question would, uh.. take, like.. say, $70?
Charlie Sheen: No, no.. you can’t bargain with a hooker..
Woman #1 In Audience: $70! Sold to the dapper young gentlemen over there!
Man #3 In Audience: Swee-ee-eet!
Charlie Sheen: Okay, I have time for one more question – preferably a question that doesn’t pertain to drugs, or hookers, or “Men At Work”.. [ hand is raised ] uh.. yes, ma’am.
Woman #2 In Audience: I enjoy your father’s work on the TV show “West Wing”. Do you think you’d like to play the part of the president someday?
Charlie Sheen: Thank you for the question, but I could never be the president.. I mean, think about it – I’ve abused cocaine, I’ve been arrested, I’m not a very smart guy.. I mean, it’s a big joke to think people would want someone like me, just because his dad was president.. [ audience applauds the comparison to George W. Bush ] Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight, Nelly Furtado is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Lorne Michaels is trapped backstage in a conversation with Ralph Nader ]
Ralph Nader: Lone, I don’t understand why you won’t let me be in the Debate sketch.
Lorne Michaels: If you had been in the real debate – maybe..
Ralph Nader: Where’s your sense of fairness?
Lorne Michaels: Maybe if you’re in the next debate.. [ Rob Lowe passes through the hall, Lorne grabs his arms ] Rob!
Rob Lowe: [ stops ] Yeah?
Lorne Michaels: You two know each other, don’t you?
Rob Lowe: [ excited ] Oh, yeah! [ shakes Ralph’s hand ] Hey. Good to see you. How are you?
[ Lorne quietly walks off ]
Ralph Nader: That episode on the death penalty was right on the money. You know, there are no statuatory criminal penalties for manufacturing a defective automobile dangerous to life..
[ slow zoom to Rob’s head ]
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Who is this guy? Should I know him? Lorne knows him, so that means he must be famous. Wait a minute.. was he in “St. Elmo’s Fire”? [ Ralph continues to ramble ] He sounds smart. He couldn’t have been in “St. Elmo’s Fire”. Damn! Is he one of my agents? Of course not – he wouldn’t have a suit!
Ralph Nader: ..I think we’re in a real transition period here, that gives us a real opportunity. Do you know what I mean?
Rob Lowe: Oh.. oh, of course..
Ralph Nader: Government by and for the people? Now it’sgovernment by and for big corporations..
[ Rob glances away from Ralph ]
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Is that a mirror? Why, yes, it is! Hello, handsome! [ Ralph is still rambling ] I have to get out of this conversation..
Rob Lowe: [ interrupting ] You know.. [ holds up bare arm ] ..look at the time. I should really be going..
Ralph Nader: But.. you’re not wearing a watch. [ Rob laughs ] As I was saying..
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Damn.. this guy is good. Maybe I’ll give him a little treat..
Rob Lowe: [ interrupting ] Hey! you know something? I gotta tell you – I work on the show “The West Wing”, and.. the other day.. we’re all sitting around, and Martin Sheen..
[ slow zoom to Ralph’s face ]
Ralph Nader’s Inner Voice: Look at him – he’s high! I should bring up my position on the decriminalization of weed. That would get his vote! What do I care? I’m Ralph Nader! I’m going to be the next President of the United States! Those big corporations aren’t going to know what hit ’em! ‘Cause I don’t take bribes like the Republicans or the Democrats. My price is way higher. They don’t call it the Green Party for nothing! [ laughs ]
[ a pair of security guards jump in grabs Rob and Ralph ]
Security Guard: Alright, let’s go!
Lorne Michaels: [ interceding ] No, no, no, no! Not the handsome guy – the other guy.
Ralph Nader: [ being dragged away ] Lorne! Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Sorry, Ralph.
Rob Lowe: Oh! It’s Ralph Nader!
Lorne Michaels: Right. Uh.. you should get changed. Come on.
[ Rob and Lorne exit in opposite directions – fade to black ]
…..Rob Lowe Man #1 In Audience…..Jerry Minor Man #2 In Audience…..Dennis McNicholas Woman #1 In Audience…..Paula Pell Man #3 In Audience…..Jim Downey
Rob Lowe: Thank you! I am just really excited to be here tonight, because it’s only a month away for the Presidential election, and not only do I feel like I’ve sort of learned a lot about the presidency from my role on “The West Wing”, but I really do feel honored to be part of a drama that tackles real issues faced in the White House..
Man #1 In Audience: Excuse me, Rob?
Rob Lowe: Yeah?
Man #1 In Audience: Yeah, your show is about the White House. Have you ever met President Clinton?
Rob Lowe: Yeah, I have had the privilege of spending some time with the President, as well as the First Lady.
Man #1 In Audience: So you’ve met Hillary Clinton?
Rob Lowe: Yes, I have.
Man #1 In Audience: How big is her booty?
Rob Lowe: I.. I.. I just don’t know. Uh.. I have had the privilege of spending time with the First Lady, and she is a really smart, articulate woman, and a very tough campaigner. [ points to audience member ] Yes?
Man #2 In Audience: Uh.. I have a question about Vice-President Al Gore.
Rob Lowe: Oh.. go ahead.
Man #2 In Audience: His daughters are hot.
Rob Lowe: That’s not a question.
Man #2 In Audience: Oh. Okay. Which one of his daughters do you think’s the hottest?
Rob Lowe: Well, you know, that is actually totally irrelevent.. Corinne. Corinne, she’s very hot! [ points to woman in audience ] Yes?
Woman #1 In Audience: I’m a huge fan of “The West Wing”..
Rob Lowe: Thank you very much!
Woman #1 In Audience: And I was so excited when they won nine Emmies. How many did you win?
Rob Lowe: [ pause ] None.
Woman #1 In Audience: Oh. Well.. it’s still an honor to be nominated.
Rob Lowe: I wasn’t nominated.
Woman #1 In Audience: Well.. working with so many talented actors.. is a reward in itself.
Rob Lowe: Yes. [ points to audience member ]
Man #3 In Audience: Uh.. my question isn’t about your show “The West Wing”, it’s about the actual West Wing in the White House.
Rob Lowe: Oh! Oh, I think maybe I can help you, because the set that we shoot on is an exact replica of the West Wing.
Man #3 In Audience: Oh, great. Now, is the room where they blow the president located in the West Wing, or down the hall?
Rob Lowe: [ shakes head ] I really don’t know.. you know, we have a great show tonight – Eminem is here, so wake up the kids!
Announcer: The Dream Team. Once again, these magnificent athletes captured Olympic gold, and the hearts of a generation. And now you can capture the memories with the official Dream Team 2000 video. [ video and phone number to order appear on the screen ] Relive all their greatest moments. The high-flying dunks. The stifling defense. The occasional teamwork. And the irritating sense of entitlement. You also get the inexplicably house-style post-game interviews. Vince Carter dunking over a shorter Chinese athlete and then taunting him. And coaches swearing at referees.
This Dream Team is the fifth best Dream Team of all time. [ shows bored fans in the bleachers ] That’s why you’ll want to remember moments like:
Shaquille O’ Neal-refusing to play
Kobe Bryant-also refusing to play
And Alan Iverson – who was deemed too dangerous to travel abroad.
This is the team that annihilated France by more than 8 points, and sent those lame Lithuanians home with a humiliating 2-point loss. And then refused to shake their hands! No one touches the Dream Team!
Order today and you’ll also receive a video of other great U.S. Olympic memories like:
Gary Hall, Jr. showing off before a race.. that he almost won!
The men’s 4×100 relay team posing with their awesome muscles flexed. Suck on that, Barbados!
Amy Van Dykus spitting in her opponent’s lane before a race. [ the scene is replayed ] Yeah!
And what about this classic move? [ shows Olympic race where U.S. athlete is ahead of his opponents and taunts them by waving his hand at them ] You’re gonna have to do better than that, other countries!
[ both videos and phone number to order appear on the screen ] America’s the best and we won the Olympics! Order today![ fade out ]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. A baby goes into the water. A mother asleep on a towel. What would you do? Here’s Carl Leggert.
Director: Great stone, just great, you nailed it. You good with that one?
Stone Phillips: Yeah, I think so.
Announcer: OK, that’s a bye, moving on, let’s do the trampoline intro!
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Great!
Stone Phillips: Can I do that one again?
Director: OK, do it again.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Perfect! Perfect…
Stone Phillips: One more…
Director: Sure, one more.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Excellent, that was perfect.
Stone Phillips: That was good.
Director: Yeah, pretty good.
Stone Phillips: I really felt I nailed it. Did you feel I nailed it?
Director: Yes, yes, I did.
Stone Phillips: But I think I could do it better.
Director: You got it.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer… Hang on! Shouldn’t it be “unbelievably vicious backyard killer?”
Director: Yes, it should… here we go.
[roll opening footage]
Announcer: From our studios in New York, Stone Phillips.
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or an unbelievably vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Perfect! I’m not just sayin’ that.
Stone Phillips: I think “unbelievably” might be a little too bit powerful…
Director: Right, right again, always right. You know what, let’s not do the video roll in, let’s do three in a row.
Stone Phillips: OK.
Director: Three in a row, real quick.
Stone Phillips: [ Hesitates ] Am I waiting for the V/O?
Director: Nuh uh, nope. And… go!
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin, Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin, Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: I think we got it. Wow! That was good!
Stone Phillips: Two more.
Director: OK, two more… [ to an off-camera crew member ] DON’T ROLL THAT CABLE UP, GARY! PUT THE CABLE BACK! TWO MORE!
Stone Phillips: Good evening. The trampoline… children’s play toy or vicious backyard killer? Here’s Melissa Tompkin.
Director: Nice, very nice. Wow, very heavy.
Stone Phillips: I think I felt it here. [ points to his chest ]
Director: Are you kidding?
Stone Phillips: Yes.
Director: It’s fun to see.
Stone Phillips: That Melissa Tompkin is getting a lot of stories!
Director: She certainly is. Listen, let’s do Tuesday. You need a coffee, Stone?
Stone Phillips: No. Wait- Yes.
Director: Stone needs a coffee. Dateline Monday’s a wrap. Moving on to Dateline Tuesday… Good promo, everybody!
