Priest…..David Alan Grier Warden…..Chris Kattan First Prisoner…..Will Ferrell Second Prisoner…..Tracy Morgan Guard…..Jim Breuer
Announcer: And now, from the creaters at Fox comes a hilarious new video – “Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes”. This laugh-packed tape includes actual incidents from real-life death rows. Like this one from the Huntsville Correctional Facility:
[ prisoner is led to the electric chair. When he sits down, the chair collapses underneath him, as the room laughs. ]
Announcer: And this tape, sent to us from the Raleigh State Prison from Raleigh, New Jersey:
[ Priest reads finla rites to Second Prisoner ]
Priest: “God, our father.. look upon us with love.. You remede us..” uh.. excuse me. “You.. remede us..” [ tries to control his laughter ] Sorry! [ clears throat ] “God, our fogger..” [ can no longer control his laughter ] Did I just say “fogger”? [ still laughing ] I know this is a difficult time!
Announcer: You’ll be laughing as hard as Sgt. Carl Mueller, when he sent us this clip from Marion Federal Penitentiary:
[ Warden stands over First Prisoner, who is not breathing ]
Jessie Jackson: Welcome to “Both Sides”. The debate over Ebonics – or Black English – is rapidly becoming an issue of the day. Is Ebonics an actual language, or is it just black slang. We must all agree our children must learn basic grammar.. subject-verb conjugation.. spelling.. syntax.. punctuation.. pronouns, adverbs, modifiers, clauses, commas and semicolons help provide.. [ pause ] ..pauses. What’s imperative, and what’s declarative? What’s interrogative? It’s my prerogative. From the upside-down, not Bobbby Brown. Jibbity-jibbity, and rat-a-a-tat-tat. Joining me today in support of Ebonics, Democratic congresswoman Maxine Walters.
Maxine Waters: Pleased to be here.
Jessie Jackson: From our Los Angeles bureau, opposing Ebonics, Defense Attorney Johnnie Cochran.
Johnnie Cochran: This is an outrage!
Jessie Jackson: And, from New York, representing M-TV, which, for years, has been corrupting the English language, political analyst Kincaid.
Kincaid: Oh, my God! Give me five! Reverend Jackson! Oh, my God! That’s totally likeThe Jackson Five! I love that! [ sings from “A.B.C.” ] Oh, my God, I can’t believe I remembered that song, that’s hilarious! What was Tito’s deal?
Jessie Jackson: [ confused ] I have no idea. [ pause ] Congresswoman Waters, you represent a district in Los Angeles considering teaching Ebonics. Could you speak a little now for us and translate, as well.
Maxine Waters: Certainly. To say in Ebonics, “Newt Gingrich is unelectable, and should resign,” it would go: “Gingrich, he be had that Contract with America, but now he off da hizzy, so him ain’t ever be playin’ in the white crib, y’all!”
Johnnie Cochran: Now, Congresswoman Waters, you know, that’s an outrageous statement! How can you show such disrespect for the English language? I’d be a failure at my job if I didn’t speak English good!
Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman, do you believe our government should play a role in officially promoting Ebonics?
Maxine Waters: Jesse, I don’t trust the United States government! The CIA is currently smuggling drugs from Nicaragua, and spreading them in our African-American communities! Not to mention, the FBI single-handedly stopping the Buffalo Bills from winning the Superbowl!
Johnnie Cochran: Now that statement was an outrage! You have to be a damn fool to believe that the police could be involved in a conspiracy against African-Americans! That’s prepostorous!
Jessie Jackson: Uh, Johnnie, we’re not talking drugs, crackpipes, the chronics.. we’re here to discuss our subject, language – Ebbabonics.
Kincaid: Oh, my God! Jesse! Can I just say something? It’s like, Ebonics is a way of educating society on cultural sensitivity. And we’re, like, in a nation right now where it’s hard for blacks to hit the big time. You know, not everyone’s the Jeffersons. Oh, my God, “The Jeffersons”! Like, “Moving on up, moving on up. To the East Side, to the East Side!” Oh, my God! You guys made me remember that song! That is totally hilarious! Remember Weezy?
Johnnie Cochran: Weezy was an outrage!
Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman Waters, what can we do with our unloved, unwanted, uneducated young people, who lack the skills to get a real job – like Kincaid, for example?
Maxine Waters: Well, this issue is explosive. I found that out on my fact-finding trip to Nicaragua.
Kincaid: Oh, my God, did you just say “explosive”! Like, “Dy-no-mite!” Oh, my God, I’m like so J.J. Walker!
Maxine Waters: Kincaid, you are inappropriate, annoying, and misinformed! Or, to say that in Ebonics: “Bitch, you be trippin’!”
Jessie Jackson: At this time, I think you point out one of the problems with Ebonics. It perpetuates linguistic abuse from generation to generation, mother to daughter, father to son.
Kincaid: Oh, my God, that’s like so totally father and son, like “Sanford & Son”! Like.. [ hums theme song ] Oh, my God! “It’s the big one! It’s the big one!” Oh, my God, Fred Sandford is like total genius, I love that!
Jessie Jackson: Kincaid, your racial bias is quite ironic, as we try to discuss Ebony-bonic.
Kincaid: Oh, my God, you guys, did you hear that! That was, like, so totally cool! Hew totally sound like, you know, one of the teachers on Charlie Brown! It’s like.. [ mimics non-speaking teacher noises ] Oh, my God! I’m, like, totally been gleened on Charlie Brown reruns! And oh my God, you guys! Rerun! Remember Rerun? It’s like.. [ hums “What’s Happenin’?” theme ]
Jessie Jackson: Kincaid.. Kincaid.. girl, shut your mouth!! Young lady, now we’re just about out of time. Any final thoughts?
Maxine Waters: Yes. I have evidence that Kincaids was constructed by the CIA, as a terrorist action against urban minorities.
Kincaid: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!”
Johnnie Cochran: [ outraged ] Now, come on now! Terrorist action.. me hiding a bloody knife somewhere in my Brentwood apartment.. This is a bunch of nonsense!
Jessie Jackson: Bu-bu-bu-but, Johnnie.. we’re not talking about a bloody knife.
Johnnie Cochran: I rest my case.
Jessie Jackson: Great. Ladies and gentlemen, we are about out of time. Join us next week on “Both Sides”, when we will discuss another topic. And, until that time, keep hope alive.
Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for Pennzoil motor oil.
[The poet stands in front of Pennzoil logo, holding the product.]
Maya Angelou: The Pharaoh, the serpentine Nile, Grecian grottoes marked by eons passing, Pennzoil. The choice of champions. Rick Mears, four-time Indy winner O! Magic shining ewer of liquid ball bearings Battling armies of viscosity and thermalbreakdown. Pennzoil! Change oil! Every five thousand miles. Keep out of reach of children. Pennzoil is a registered trademark! Freedom.
Announcer: This has been Maya Angelou for Pennzoil motor oil.
Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Froot Loops”.
Maya Angelou: Toucan Sam, you leap on the back of the wind, load stone to assorted fruit flavors, Phoenix of the dawns, one smile. We gave you, Toucan Sam, life. You, Toucan Sam, give us loops of fruit. Fruity loops, Fruit Loopies, swimming in the churning, frothy mother sea of milk, Kellogg’s appreciates consumer comments, P. O. Box 221, Battle Creek, Michigan, a prism of fruity color, a cornocopia of over forty fruity tastes. The orange, the apple, the grape, the pomegrante, the quince, the kumkwat, the kiwi, the planitain, the guava…
Announcer: This has been Maya Angelou… for “Froot Loops”.
Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Butterfingers”.
Maya Angelou: The wind. The rain. The fire.
The Butterfinger.
Did the Caveman know your delicious goodness? Did the Mayan Priest exhalt in your buttery crunchiness? Did the slothful Mastodon, upon his extinction, declare, “Don’t lay a finger on my Butterfinger?”
Oh, you finger of butter! You proud confection! Sugar brown roasted peanuts, fructose, glucose, sucrose, lactose, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. Crispity, crunchity, peanut buttery–
I… give… myself… to… you.
Butterfinger.
Glad mantle of golden chocolaty hope upon my breast.
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: January 18th, 1997 David Alan Grier Snoop Doggy Dogg None
Genitalia Line-Up Paula Jones (Cheri Oteri) picks out President Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) genitalia. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ted Kennedy.
Ex-Porn Stars Don Wong & Reggie Owens Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) try to adapt as fast food workers. Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.
Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we’re rolling.
Burt Reynolds: Fire away!
Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] “Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You’re supposed to strangle the guy now.
Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?
Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.
Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don’t get it.
Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.
Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?
Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Barbra? you’re gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.
Barbra Streisand: More?
Voice of Director: Yeah.
Barbra Streisand: I can do that.
Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you’re ready.
Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.
Barbra Streisand: I didn’t get the part, did I?
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.
Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?
Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he’s a Wookie, Jack.
Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?
Voice of Director: Uh.. it’s like a space ape.
Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that’s terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu–kin’ space ape?!
Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..
Jack Lemmon: I’m gonna take a dump in this fu–in’ damn mask, that’s what I’m gonna do!
Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..
Jack Lemmon: Why can’t I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I’d be a terrific Obi-Wan!
Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?
Jack Lemmon: Aw, f–k yourself!
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell Christopher Walken…..Kevin Spacey Richard Dreyfus…..Darrell Hammond Walter Matthau…..Kevin Spacey Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Two decades ago George Lucas’ science fiction epic STAR WARS captured the imagination of the world.” Now, the 20th Anniversary re-release is available on home video, with spectacular new footage like these never-before-seen screen tests.
Voice of Director: Christopher Walken, Han Solo screen test. Okay, Chris, whenever you’re ready. Christopher Walken: “I’m Captain of.. the Millenium.. Falcon. Chewie here.. tells me.. you’re looking for passage.. to the.. alderaan system.”
Voice of Director: “Yes, indeed, It’s a fast ship.”
Christopher Walken: “Fast.. ship? You’ve never heard.. of the.. millenium falcon? It’s the ship.. that made the kessel run.. in less than.. 12 parsecs. She’s.. fast enough.. for you.. old man..” That sucked! I’m sorry.. [ turns and walks away ] You know.. I had it..
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: C-3PO screen test. Okay, C-3PO.. I’m sorry. Who’s in there?
Richard Dreyfus: It’s Richard Dreyfus! [ removes mask ] Damn you! I told you I didn’t want to wear the damn mask!
Voice of Director: Okay. Just do the scene. “What I really need is a droid who understands The binary language of moisture vaporators.”
Richard Dreyfus: “Vaporators? Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters. Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”
Voice of Director: Thank you very much.
Richard Dreyfus: [ upset ] Listen, I can do that better, okay?
Voice of Director: Thanks, but we’ve got all we need..
Richard Dreyfus: Look! I don’t need this! I was in “Jaws”, okay?!
Voice of Director: Okay. Thanks.
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Walter Matthau, Obi Wan Kenobi screen test. Alright, Walter, here we go. “I’ve never heard of them Hitting anything this big before.”
Walter Matthau: “They didn’t. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side-by-side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Voice of Director: “These are the same Jawas that sold us R2 and 3PO.”
Walter Matthau: [ confused ] Jawas? What the hell is this picture about, anyway?
Voice of Director: Well, Walter, it’s a space adventure about a magical force, and all the people and creatures that..
Walter Matthau: Oh, Christ! [ walks off ]
Voice of Director: Walter? Walter?
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan Dr. Dowden…..Kevin Spacey Assistant…..Will Ferrell
(open on lab with SUPER : BORMAN LABORATORIES, E. Brunswick, New Jersey)
Dr. Dowden: Well, almost finished. Hurry up. We’ve got a lot of monkeys to examine. We’re done with him, put him back in the cage.
Assistant: But he hasn’t been fed yet.
Dr. Dowden: I don’t care. You should know that you’re the third assistant I’ve had this month. I fired the other two because they were stupid incompetents. So you will do exactly as I say and only exactly as I say, or you, too, will be fired. (slowly, in a handicapped voice) Do you understand me?
Assistant: Yes, Dr. Dowden
Dr. Dowden: And put Roscoe back in his cage. (Assistant has a tough time closing the cage) Oh, and I see closing cages is beyond your mental capacity, idiot. Get me the monkey in cage number 5.
(Assistant goes to cage number 5 to reveal Mr. Peepers, a man/monkey boy dressed in red overalls, he picks up Mr. Peepers and brings him to the doctor)
Dr. Dowden: All Right, Mr. Peepers. Never seen this one before. (Reading off chart) “Possible missing link. Discovered in the Brazilian Rainforest.” (Peepers hangs upside down while dangling on the assistant) What are you doing?
Assistant: I’m sorry, doctor. What am I supposed to do?
Dr. Dowden: (slowly, mocking him) I don’t know what am I supposed to do. (his voice) Put him on the stool, you idiot! (he places Peepers on the stool, as Peeper’s begins to babble “Bah” over and over) And shut that monkey up!
Assistant: Doctor, I’m not sure what —
Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are just useless. I’ll do it. No Peepers, no! No! No! Give him an apple! (Peepers grabs the apple and starts chewing rapidly and spitting out the pieces. Meanwhile Dr. Dowden begins examining him.) Let’s look at the ears. (check ears) Ears look all right Let’s look at the teeth! Let me look at your teeth! Let me look at your teeth! (checks teeth) God, this Peepers beast reeks. You check his eyes.
Assistant: (goes to check Peeper’s eyes, only to have Peeper’s acting difficult) I – I can’t, he won’t let me.
Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are so useless! I’ll do it! Peepers watch! (He begins snapping his fingers back and forth, testing Peepers’ eye movement) There, that’s how you do it.
Assistant: Doctor, do you think we should —
Dr. Dowden: I’m not paying you to think —
Mr. Peepers: (in the doctor’s face) BAH!
Dr. Dowden: You shut your little monkey mouth! You want a piece of me? Shut up! Shut it! Bah! (they exchange “bah”‘s back and forth as Peepers pushes the doctor) Oh, you little bastard!
(Peepers jumps off the stool and begins to jump off the walls)
Dr. Dowden: Get that monkey, would you?
Assistant: Okay.
(Peepers dances around, the assistant is unable to grab hold of him)
Dr. Dowden: Well, don’t just stand there! Get him!
Assistant: I’m trying!
Dr. Dowden: You are so fired if you don’t get that little critter!
(Peepers runs towards the other way and jumps onto an examining table. After a few seconds of struggle, he latches his mouth onto the assistant)
Dr. Dowden: Oh, my God! Don’t move! (Peepers begins a series of blowing on the assistant’s face, an attack mechanism)
Assistant: What should I do?
Dr. Dowden: Well for starters, shut up. You have violated this monkey’s sense of space. Mr. Peeper’s is now in attack mode. Any sudden movement and he will bite your head off! So, very very slowly — very slowly turn your head away. Turn your head away very slowly. (The assistant begins to turn his head away from an attacking Mr. Peepers) Turn your – easy, easy, very slow — ah, oh oh! (Peepers releases himself off the assistant and begins to jump on the doctor, humping him)
Assistant: Oh, my God! (he rushes for the phone, picks up and yells) Code blue, code blue! Mr. Peepers is humping Dr. Dowden! Send help now! this is horrible!
Dr. Dowden: You get him off of me right now or you are SO fired!
(Peepers continues to hump Dr. Dowden while the assistant continues to get help on the phone. Audience applause we fade out)
Kevin Spacey: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a great opportunity to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I think it’s really a perfect fit for me because when you hear the name Kevin Spacey, you think one word: comedy. And now that I have the laugh market cornered, I thought I’d take a few minutes and show you Kevin Spacey’s sentimental side. This is an old favorite of mine. [ he picks up microphone, sits on stool, and sings “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning”, as the following SUPERS roll by: ]
[ SUPER: “We know what you’re thinking. This is stupid.” ]
[ SUPER: “The only reason we allowed Kevin Spacey to sing this song is because he threatened us. Seriously.” ]
[ SUPER: “He is a very sick individual with severe emotional problems. For example, he demanded a seperate dressing room for “The bad Kevin.” Kevin Spacey also has a history of violent behavior.” ]
[ SUPER: “Dennis Hopper has refused to work with him.” ]
[ SUPER: “During Thursday’s rehearsal, Kevin stuck a gun in Norm MacDonald’s mouth. Needless to say, Norm didn’t like it. According to his court-appointed psychiatrist, you “should avoid making any sudden movements around Kevin Spacey.” Last night a crew member accidentally dropped a cue card. Kevin responded by shoving Don Pardo down a flight of stairs. And then he stuck a gun in Norm MacDonald’s mouth. The next time you see one of his movies, just remember that Kevin Spacey plays psychos… Because he really is a psycho.” ]
[ song ends ]
Call me crazy, but I like that song. We got a great show tonight. Beck is here, so stick around. We’ll be right back.
Air Date:
