Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
…..Gwyneth Paltrow First Woman in Audience…..Paula Pell Second Woman in Audience…..Tina Fey …..Ben Affleck
Gwyneth: [ in english accent ] Thank you! Thank you very very much… Thank you. You are all… You are all very very kind, really. It’s absolutely brilliant to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I have had such a smashing year.
[ First Woman in the Audience stands up ]
First Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth?
Gwyneth: Yes?
First Woman in Audience: I’m a big fan of yours. I loved you in “Shakespeare In Love” and “Sliding Doors,” and “Emma”. But I didn’t know that you were actually from England.
Gwyneth: Oh yes, I was born and raised there.
First Woman in Audience: Where exactly?
[ Gwyneth ignores the Woman in the Audience and addresses a Man in the Audience ]
Gwyneth: You sir! Do you have a question?
Man in Audience: No..no..no… no I didn’t.
Gwyneth: Well, I miss home already. So many wonderful memories of England… the smell of sweetmeats and scones on St. Crispin’s Day.
[ Second Woman stands up in the audience ]
Second Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth, aren’t you from New York?
Gwyneth: Pardon?
Second Woman in Audience: Well I read in People Magazine that grew up in New York City… and your mom is Blythe Danner and your dad produced “St. Elsewhere”?
Gwyneth: Well I certainly don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you like some tea, love?
[ Ben Affleck stands up in the audience ]
Ben: Hold On… Gwyneth! It’s me… It’s me Ben…
Gwyneth:I’m sorry? Ben: Ben! Ben Affleck.
Gwyneth: Oh-ho! Ben Affleck, the charming American actor I worked with in “Shakespeare In Love”.
Ben: Uhh… Gwyneth, why are you speaking inan English accent?
Gwyneth: English people always speak with English accents love! Oh you Yanks are so humourous.. spelled with a “O-U-R”.
Ben: But you’re not British. You’re American. You were born in Los Angeles, you were raised in New York. You’re whole family’s American. I know that.
Gwyneth: Well it’s odd that an American would know so much about me, an English woman.
Ben: I don’t know… I don’t really think it’s odd. I mean… you know.. we… you know… we DATED. We broke up like a month ago, it was in all the papers. Didn’t you read about it? You know what? You don’t have to do that. People will still take you seriously as an actress, you know, even if you’re American.
Gwyneth: Really?
Ben: Yeah… don’t go all Minnie Driver on me, ok?
Gwyneth: Alright, well we got a great show for you tonight! The Barenaked Ladies are here. And they are just smashing… Oh no.. sorry. They’re great. Stick around we’ll be right back.
John Oates: You might–you might remember this one. (sings) “Private eyes, (claps) they’re watching you. (claps twice)” That was all me. The clapping part. I wasn’t actually the one who uh, clapped, but um, it was my idea. To clap. [Hall & Oates’ “Maneater” starts to play] I didn’t really sing, or play guitar that well. So. (pause) I’m Oates.
Judge William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond Tom Daschle…..Chris Kattan Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri
Judge Rehnquist: Senators, I’m getting tired of these straight party-line votes. We need to find something to break this up. Did anybody see the Superbowl?
Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I saw the Superbowl, and I particularly loved that commercial with the little mouse wearing glasses. I mean, that was funny.
Tom Daschle: I thought it was ludicrous. Mice don’t wear goggles.
Judge Rehnquist: We’ll take a vote. Who thinks mice wear goggles, say Aye.
Republicans: Aye!
Judge Rehnquist: Those that think they don’t, say Nay.
Judge Rehnquist: Apparently, whether mice wear goggles is a partisan issue. I give up. I guess we have to agree to disagree.
Republicans: Aye!
Democrats: Nay!
[ GRAPHIC: AGREE TO DISAGREE, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: How can you not agree to disagree? That’s it, okay? We might as well order lunch, because we’re going to be here all day.
Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? If I may, I propose we get ourselves a pizza.
Tom Daschle: I say Chinese food.
Judge Rehnquist: How many for pizza?
Republicans: Aye!
Judge Rehnquist: Chinese food?
Democrats: Aye!
[ GRAPHIC: LUNCH, PIZZA: 55, CHINESE FOOD, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: It’s 55 to 44. Okay, who didn’t vote?
Mary Bono: Ah, I would like Falaffles.
Judge Rehnquist: We aren’t getting Falaffles. It looks like pizza. I hate to ask, but what toppings are we getting on the pizza?
Trent Lott: [ jubilant ] Pepperoni!
Tom Daschle: Mushrooms?
Mary Bono: Ooh! Let’s vote!
Judge Rehnquist: We’re not going to vote. 56% of the pizza will have pepperoni, the other 44%, mushroom.
Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I’d like to bring before the Senate a vote on whether more witnesses should be..
Judge Rehnquist: [ banging gavel ] We will not continue with this impeachment hearing until we can find some common ground. I can’t believe we can’t agree on anything. [ desperate ] Anybody have HBO? Have you seen those interminable promos for the “Tracey Ullman Show”?
Tom Daschle: Is that the one where she’s talking to her kid?
Judge Rehnquist: Yeah! Is it me, or is that show overrated? All those who agree, say Aye.
Everyone: Aye!!
[ GRAPHIC: TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW OVERRATED, AGREE: 100 ]
Judge Rehnquist: Finally! You all agree. Good. That show blows hard! [ anxious to continue ] Hey! Did you see on VH-1 that “Behind the Music” with Leif Garrett? Was that so sad, it was hilarious? All in favor, say Aye.
Everyone: Aye!!
[ GRAPHIC: LEIF GARRETT SO SAD IT’S HILARIOUS, AGREE: 100 ]
Judge Rehnquist: We are on a roll now, okay! That band N*Sync. They’re not that bad. In fact, they’re sexy. All those that agree, say Aye.
[ silence amongst stunned Republicans and Democrats ]
Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? That’s messed up.
Judge Rehnquist: [ quickly covering his tracks ] Those guys aren’t sexy. I was just trying to see if I could get you guys to say it. Okay, you know what? Enough! [ bangs gavel ] Now that we’ve broken the deadlock, back to the allowing of video testimony. All those in favor, say Aye..
…..Colin Quinn Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows Singers…..Horatio Sanz, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, and Chris Parnell
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hey folks! There we are. Helloo.
Two in audience: Yeah, Colin!
Colin Quinn: (laughs) Thank you.
Bill and Hillary Clinton are obsessed about a cover story on their daughter Chelsea in the new “People” magazine. They say they’d give up on the press all together if it wasn’t for the good, decent people over at “Hustler”. [laughter]
A spectator at the Clinton impeachment trial this week was removed from the gallery and arrested after yelling to the senators to “Hurry up and take the vote”. He has been identified as this man: [photo of Al Gore] [laughter]
While on a ski trip this week, New Jersey governor Christie Whitman [sic] broke her leg. Wait a second. She’s from New Jersey, and three days after the Superbowl she ends up with a broken leg? Ski trip, my ass. Sounds to me like somebody went a little bit too heavy on the Falcons. [light laughter] The governor of Jersey would be that “somebody,” is what I’m trying to… Heh heh.
Today! Today–hot off the presses, folks–Monica Lewinsky’s testimony was released, where, among other information, she explained how she told ten people about her affair with the president. Including her mother and her aunt. There’s a nice General Foods International Coffee moment. [laughter] What, are you sitting in the breakfast nook, drinking a Swiss Almond Blend, looking through the Land’s End catalog. “Hey Ma, I like this fleece-lined jumper. Did I mention I’ve been going down on the president? I didn’t tell you that?” “Oh, honey, that’s wonderful. Wait a minute, call in your aunt so you don’t have to tell the story twice.” [laughter] I mean, geez, oh peas.
In a rare moment of bipartisanship this week, senate Democrats withdrew their opposition to the Republican proposal for a tax cut. The senate Democrats originally complained that the cuts were only going to help the rich. But then they remembered, “Hey, wait a minute. We are the rich.” [light laughter] That was like, a deep social conscious joke, folks.
According to an interview in “Daily Variety”, Farrah Fawcett is eager to get back to work, and is considering all offers to get her career back on track. Well, Farrah, I would like to offer you a role in my next movie. I’m shooting it in my apartment, and it’s called “I’ve wanted to do this since 1975.” [laughter, applause, and hoots] See, that was socially conscious, too. In its own way, it was political.
Celeste Swiznuski, a Monica Lewinsky lookalike, has been standing outside Monica’s hotel, hoping to attract the attention that Monica was avoiding. This is good news for society, huh? Now stalkers have stalkers. [laughter] What I can’t figure out is who’s prouder: The father of the girl who performed oral sex on the president, or the father of the girl who wants people to believe she’s the girl who performed oral sex on the president. [applause] Nice. Niiiiice. [laughter]
CIA director George Tenet warned this week that Saudi terrorist Osama bin Laden is preparing to launch another attack against US facilities. (nods) Good. How about “where”, George? [light laughter] Wanna give some informa– nice, folks.
An aide to Washington DC mayor Anthony Williams was forced to resign, because he used the word niggardly. Which actually means stingy or miserly, but sounds like a racial slur. In a related story, NBC announced it will no longer use the words David Spade. [audience laughs after a second] Ah, took you a second there. You need a little time.
Israel’s National Parks Authority has authorized a private contractor to build a submerged bridge into the Sea of Galilee that would allow tourists to simulate Jesus’ miraculous walk on water. Yeah, I think Jesus would appreciate the plumber on vacation from Toms River mimicking one of His greatest feats. [laughter] “Hey, look kids, Daddy’s Moonwalking across the lake just like our Lord and Savior did in the 1800s!” [laughter] (Colin sighs) Honestly.
American war planes attacked newly installed Iraqi anti-ship missile launchers along the Persian Gulf. An enraged Saddam Hussein scolded his troops saying, “You see? This is why we can’t have nice things.” [laughter]
A female chimp in the Los Angeles Zoo gave birth this week, but of the six possible fathers in the exhibit with her, three have vasectomies, two are too young, and one is too old to have fathered the baby. Confused scientists don’t know whether the birth is the result of a genetic miracle, or the worst case of beer goggles in history. [lingering laughter]
The night before the Superbowl, Falcon player Eugene Robinson was arrested after offering an undercover policewoman forty dollars for oral sex. Forty dollars. Seems like a lot of money to pay for something that technically, isn’t even sex. [light laugher] Remember? Three months ago… (addresses the audience) What do you want to talk about? The new Sugar Ray hit? I didn’t think he’d have another hit, but he did. [laughter] He’s got a big hit.
Last week, at the Superbowl, when Cher came out to sing the national anthem, she was escorted onto the field by a young boy who seemed to be terrified. He didn’t know it was Cher, he thought it was Marilyn Manson. [laughter] I apologize. I’m sorry, I’m sorry about that one. Marilyn. [audience oooohs] How’d you like the first part, in terms of the second?
All right, over the past year Clinton confidante Vernon Jordan has over the past year has emerged as a major player in one of the most important events in recent history: The impeachment of the president. Here now to discuss his Senate deposition earlier this week is Vernon Jordan. [cheers and applause]
Vernon Jordan: Thank you, thank you. Good evening, Colin, and thank you for extending this invitation to me.
Colin Quinn: Now, Vernon, we all know you’re some kind of lawyer, and that you’re a friend of the President’s, and that you’re maybe one of the most powerful men in Washington. But I have to ask. What exactly do you do?
Vernon Jordan: (laughs) Well, Colin, I’m that rarest of species, known as a Beltway insider. A man behind the scenes. By day I lunch with kings. By night I dine with queens. (laughs) What’s more, I always have the perfect dimple in my tie. (gestures to his tie)
Colin Quinn: But what does that really mean?
Vernon Jordan: That I’m a player on the scene.
Colin Quinn: Still, I’ve heard all that before —
Vernon Jordan: Oh but wait, I’m much, much more. (piano begins to play, Vernon pulls dress gloves out of his jacket pocket) (talk-sings) I’m an attorney, and a lobbyist, an essayist, a hobbyist. (puts on gloves) An amateur ornithologist. Why I wear maaaany hats. (is handed a top hat, puts it on) I’m a gadabout, (laughs) a ne’er-do-well, a rake, a rogue, a fancy swell. A modern day-style William Tell. I’m really all of that. (Orchestra starts to play, Vernon pulls out a walking stick, and sits on the Update desk. Colin looks slightly alarmed)
(sings) While the senate sits debating/I go off promenading/With a smart set lass or lad/I’m chummy with the President/A local DC resident/I cannot stand a bore, or caaaad/Where champagne corks are popping/And tres bon mots are swapping/You’ll find me in with the crowd/When a lady needs a squire or a good friend needs a liar/Just say my name out loud/And I’ll tip my hat to you, sir/As a gentleman should do, sir/For I am Vernon Jordan
(Vernon jumps off the desk and is joined by four singers dressed in old-fashioned attire)
Singers: He’ll tie his tie/Put on his spats/In barely 20 seconds flat/He’s a trouble-shooting man about the town
Vernon Jordan: Opera tickets, yes indeed/A summer job for friends in need/Look no further/Good old Vernon is around
Ana: I fear I’ve been indicted
Vernon Jordan: Well, that wrong will soon be righted
Chris: I’m a little short on cash
Vernon Jordan: It’ll be there in a flash
Molly: We need a fourth for tennis
Vernon Jordan: On the court I am a menace
Horatio: It seems you never fail to please
Vernon Jordan: And I even speak Chinese
(singers oooh and create a chorus line, Vernon dances behind them)
Singers: ‘Cause he’s a problem-solving/World revolving/Expeditious/Meretricious/Courtroom handy/Dapper dandy/Verrrrnon Jorrrrrrdaaaaan
Vernon Jordan: That’s me!! (confetti falls)
Colin Quinn: Vernon Jordan, everybody! Vernon Jordan! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Goodnight! (Vernon and Molly wave)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 13th, 1999 Brendan Fraser Busta Rhymes The Roots John Goodman Tom Davis Lorne Michaels George Plimpton The President On TrialRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bill Clinton, Linda Tripp.
Montage
Brendan Fraser’s MonologueSummary: To relate the audience to his new movie, “Blast From the Past,” Brendan Fraser ventures backstage to show off a time capsule where former writer/featured performer Tom Davis has been hidden all these years. Transcript
Bio FlexSummary: A consumer (Will Ferrell) steps up to the challenge of fighting with the Bio Flex total workout creature. Transcript
Judge JudyRecurring Characters: Judge Judy Sheindlin, Petri Hawkins-Byrd.
Just Enjoy The OzzySummary: While on a dinner date, lovers Ted (Brendan Fraser) and Tracy (Molly Shannon) are interrupted by a singing waiter (Horatio Sanz) who keeps playing Ozzy Osbourne songs for them. Transcript
The ZimmermansRecurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.
TV FunhouseSummary: Fun With Real Audio.
You’re A Champion, Charlie BrownSummary: Following another football psyche-out by Lucy (Ana Gasteyer), Charlie Brown (Brendan Fraser) flies through the air and cracks his head open. Recurring Characters: Franklin. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Jerry Falwell.
Busta Rhymes & The Roots perform “Gimme Some More”
Announcer: The human body. Only one home fitness system unlocks your body’s maximum potential.
[ cut to the product, a massive trunk labelled “Bio Flex” ]
Announcer: Bio Flex. Designed to build muscle mass through actual resistance from a genetically re-engineered humanoid.
[ Consumer enters living in his workout clothes, and unlocks the Bio Flex trunk to reveal an angered humanoid creature on the rampage ]
Announcer: Bio Flex may be the world’s first perfect total workout system.
[ show outline of the box with the Bio-flex creature inside ]
Announcer: Hand-to-hand combat with with the Bio Flex proto-sapien creature provides intense isometric and aerobic exercise.
[ the Bio Flex creature pounces on the Consumer, breaking a coffee table in the process. A guitar and other objects are also smashed and destroyed during the struggle. ]
Announcer: Once the monster is released, all you have to do is fight it. [ the Consumer crouches low against the wall, as the Bio Flex creature’s arm bursts through ] It’s that simple.
Announcer: Unlike most workouts, Bio flex impacts every major muscle.
[ the Bio Flex creature smashes the Consumer’s head against a mirror, bloodying his head ]
Announcer: Being pounced on by the angry, hungry creature tones and firms your thighs and gloots.
[ the Bio Flex creature jumps on the Consumer’s back. The image freezes, as an outline appears over the Consumer’s thigh and gloot regions ]
Announcer: Wrestling with the violent ape-beast works your shoulders, pecs, and abdominals.
[ the Bio Flex creature then tugs the Consumer’s arms upward. The image freezes, as an outline appears over the Consumer’s shoulder, pec, and abdominal regions ]
Announcer: Finally, being pummelled and beaten by the vicious man-monster is also part of the workout.
[ the Bio Flex creature flings the Consumer to the floor and smashes bottles over his head ]
Announcer: Total. Natural. Bio Flex. When your workout is finished, Bio Flex stores conveniently out of the way —
[ the staggering and bloody Consumer happily snaps the Bio Flex trunk shut. Unfortunately, the Bio Flex creature is still on the loose, and promptly pounces on the Consumer once more ]
Announcer: Plus, a Bio Flex workout takes twenty minutes.
Lucy…..Ana Gasteyer Charlie Brown…..Brendan Fraser Linus…..Chris Kattan Franklin…..Tim Meadows
[ open on cartoon image of Snoopy coaching Woodstock and other birds in a football locker room ]
Announcer: We now return to “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.”
[ dissolve to recognizable Peanuts scenery – brick wall in front of trees and other shrubbery. Lucy stands in front tossing a football up and down in her hands. ]
Lucy: Hey there, Charlie Brown! I’ve got an idea! [ Charlie Brown enters ] I’ll hold this football, and you come running up and kick it!
Charlie Brown: Ohh, no! Not this time! When I come running up, you’ll pull the ball away, and I’ll CLOBBER myself!
Lucy: Charlie Brown! Do you really think I’d do something like THAT, with the big game only WEEKS away!
Charlie Brown: Hmm.. hey. You’re right. Not even you would sink that low. This time, I’m gonna kick that ball to the MOON!! [ he takes a few steps back, as Lucy props the football in place ] Ready? Herrrrrrre.. I.. commmmmmmmmme!!!!!
[ Charlie Brown runs toward the football, as Lucy pulls it away and he goes flying offscreen stage left with a prolonged scream and a crash ]
Lucy: Ha ha ha ha ha!! Oh, Charlie Brown, you blockhead! You ALWAYS fall for that one!
[ Charlie Brown lets out a blood-curdling scream ]
Charlie Brown: God!! I’m HURT!! I’m hurt really BA-AD!!!
Lucy: [ pouting ] Good grief! what’s the big deal?! [ steps over to Charlie Brown, who is lying flat on the grass ]
Charlie Brown: [ gasping for breath ] I can’t — I can’t — [ touches the side of his head and glimpses the blood on his hands ] I — can’t — ohhhhhhh-ohhhhhhh!!!!
Lucy: There you go, you old failure — [ Charlie Brown turns his head, revealing a patch of blood where his head has busted open ] AAGGHHHHHH!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!! OH, GOD!!! OH, GOD, OH SWEET GOD!!! HOLD ON!!!
Charlie Brown: [ struggling ] Ohh.. ohh.. got to get up.. for the big game..
Lucy: [ crying ] No, just lie down! Okay?! Just lie down and keep very still!! Okay?! [ lays Charlie Brown back on the grass] HELP!!!! HELP!! Somebody, please get a freakin’ ambulance!!
[ Linus and Franklin step forward ]
Linus: What’s going on down here, Lucy? We heard all the commotion, and — [ notices the massive blood dripping from Charlie Brown’s head ] OH, MY GOD!!!!
[ Franklin holds his stomach, then promptly pukes his guts out ]
Linus: LUCY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?!!!
Lucy: I — I — I just — I just pulled the football away!!
Franklin: Yeah! And you split his head open like a melon!! [ glances down ] Oh, my God! His BRAIN!! That’s his BRAIN, man!!
Charlie Brown: [ struggling to stand up ] Got to.. feed my dog.. He’s a.. World War I.. fighter pilot —
Franklin: He’s going into shock!! Linus, give him your blanket!!
Linus: But it’s my security blanket.
Franklin: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Linus: OKAY, TAKE IT!!!
[ Linus throws his security blanket down to Charlie Brown, which Lucy struggles to wrap around him ]
Linus: LUCY, HELP HIM, FOR GOD’S SAKE!! YOU’RE A DOCTOR!!
Lucy: I’m not a DOCTOR!!
Franklin: What do you MEAN you’re not a doctor?!! You’re always sitting in that cardboard booth that says “Doctor In, Five Cents!!”
Lucy: That was just a SCAM to make NICKELS!!
Franklin: You TWISTED, SICK, SADISTIC FUSSBUDGET!!
Charlie Brown: [ looking around ] Linus..? Linus..? Are you there..?
Linus: [ kneels down ] Yeah! Hi! It’s me, buddy!
Charlie Brown: You’ve gotta take care of my dog.. his best friend is a bird, named after a rock festival..!
Linus: Sure, I will, buddy! Sure, I will! [ glances up ] Lights, please? [ the house lights go dim ] “And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and said ‘The dead shall hear the voice of the son of God..'”
[ sirens blare, as an offscreenambulance pulls up ]
Lucy: Oh, thank God! The paramedics are here! Please help! My friend is very badly injured!!
[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
Lucy: Yes! That’s right! He’s lost a LOT of blood!
[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
Lucy: I don’t KNOW if he has any ALLERGIES!!!
[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
[ piano theme rises ]
Announcer: We’ll return for the conclusion of “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.” Some scenes may not be suitable for younger children.
Zeke…..Brendan Fraser Ramone…..Tracy Morgan Carrie Donovan…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Open on Zeke and Ramone in a dimly-lit hotel hallway ]
Zeke: I’m nervous, Ramone.
Ramone: Look, look, don’t worry, man, the first time is always the hardest, man! An hour from now, you gon’ be a pro!
Zeke: I dunno if I can go through with this …
Ramone: Hey! You wanna get the $80, right? [ Zeke nods ] Well, you get in there and sex it up! You a stud, right? Say it!
Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud.
Ramone: All right, you a stud. I’ll be waitin’ for you in the van with Chico. [ leaves ]
Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud. I’m a stud. [ knocks on a hotel room door ]
Carrie: Who is it?
Zeke: [ weakly ] Uhh, it’s Zeke from Urban Escorts!
[ Carrie, a fashionista dowager, lets him in ]
Carrie: [ loopy voice ] Come in, Zeke! You’re fantastic! Let me take your coat! [ does so ] I’m such a fan of these wool pea coats! They’re the zenith of masculinity, yet they’re still wildly stylish!
Zeke: Uh, excuse me, aren’t you that lady from the Old Navy commercials?
Carrie: [ holding a cigarette ] Yes, darling, I’m famous. Does that turn you on? [ lights her cigarette ]
Zeke: Yes, ma’am.
Carrie: For God’s sake, call me Carrie. Take your shirt off for me, Zeke! [ he hesitantly unbuttons his shirt ] HURRY UP! I’m not playing around here! I like it FAST, and I like it WEIRD!
Zeke: [ now stripped down to a t-shirt ] Sorry, sorry …
Carrie: Your chest is fabulous!
Zeke: Thank you.
Carrie: [ as she walks him over to the bed ] A man’s nipples are part of his personal style. [ she pinches them one by one ]
Zeke: AAH! OOH!
Carrie: [ sits him down on the bed ] You don’t mind if Magic joins us, do you? [ a dog enters the bedroom ]
Zeke: I don’t think that this was part of the deal …
Carrie: I say what the deal is, Zeke! Get it?
Zeke: Yes, ma’am.
Carrie: It’s all about power, Zeke. Look at me — I’m almost 70! A young buck like you would never want me. Who knows if you even like girls? But thanks to the American public’s insatiable appetite for inexpensive cargo pants, I will have sex with you tonight.
Zeke: [ still nervous ] Okay. I’m ready. [ dims the lights ]
Carrie: Leave them on, please. Magic likes to watch.
[ he turns them back on ]
Carrie: [ holding a bottle of liquor ] You’re a fabulous looking boy, Zeke. I’m mad about your torso!
Zeke: Thank you.
Carrie: [ takes a swig from the bottle ] It’s time for a fashion show. Check out my performance fleece. [ she flashes him, and he lets out a scream ]Zeke: I’m sorry, I, I, I can’t do this, okay, I’ll just, I, I’ll get you your money back. Please, just don’t make me —
Carrie: [ now angry ] Don’t freak out! [ takes more swigs of rum ]
Zeke: [ gets down on his knees and begs ] Please, don’t call the service! I just — see, I lost my job and I need the money, and I just, I didn’t think it through, oh God — [ she slaps him in the face ] OW!
Carrie: Chill out, Zeke!
Zeke: [ in tears ] My name is Jason.
Carrie: [ shakes him by the neck ] I DON’T WANNA KNOW YOUR REAL NAME!! YOU’RE JUST A PIECE OF ASS TO ME!! [ her glasses fall off ]
Jason: [ in tears ] What am I doing? Oh God, what am I doing?
Carrie: [ slaps him again puts her glasses back on ] Be cool!
Jason: [ in tears ] Don’t hurt me, please, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me —
Carrie: Oh, shut up!
[ she breaks the bottle over his back and knocks him over ]
Carrie: [ back to her loopy voice ] Oh God, Magic, it’s happened again. We’ve gotta get out of here.
[ she exits with the dog, as Jason writhes in pain. Fade to black ]
Brendan Fraser: Thanks to Busta Rhymes and The Roots! John Goodman! George Plimpton! Tom Davis! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! SNL! I love you, Afton! Good luck, Ian McKellen, Lynn Redgrave, and Bill Condon for “Gods and Monsters!” Good night!
[ Brendan comes out on stage and greets the applauding audience as the SNL band finishes playing ]
Brendan Fraser: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very very much! Oh, please! Thank you! Oh yeah … it is great — thank you! Oh, it’s great to be here in New York promoting my new movie — [ chuckles ] — I mean, hosting Saturday Night Live. But anyway, getting back to my new movie, Blast from the Past, it’s about a guy who spends his whole life in a fallout shelter. Now you know, not many people might know this, but Studio 8H, right here in Rockefeller Center, actually has an old fallout shelter. So I thought, you know, it might be fun, in a tricky way, to promote my new movie, if we went and took a look at it. So, come on!
[ He walks offstage, and the camera follows him to a nearby fallout shelter door. ]
Brendan Fraser: Now, this particular fallout shelter was built in 1958, at the height of the Cold War. It was in use until 1964, at which time it was … [ he hears rock music from inside the shelter ] My goodness, I … I think I hear somebody in there.
[ He twists the wheel, opens the door to the shelter and swats away the cobwebs as he walks inside. In the shelter, he finds a bearded figure with headphones on. ]
Bearded man: Whoa! Hey, man … [ turns off his stereo ] what’s up?
Brendan Fraser: I recognize you. You’re uh, you’re Tom Davis, from uh, Franken and Davis. You were uh, one of the original writers on the show!
[ They shake hands as the audience applauds ]
Tom Davis: Yeah. That’s right.
Brendan Fraser: Great to meet you, man. It’s amazing.
Tom Davis: Yeah, I know. I’ve been locked in this place since 1977.
Brendan Fraser: What happened?
Tom Davis: I dunno! I walked in here to get high, and suddenly the door was locked behind me. Hey, I have to ask, um, how did Roots end?
Brendan Fraser: Uh, the slaves were freed.
Tom Davis: Ohhh. Good.
Brendan Fraser: But Tom, what have you been doing in here all this time?
Tom Davis: Well, gettin’ high, and uh, I do my own version of Saturday Night Live with rats. [ points to a miniature stage full of rats wearing bee costumes ]
Brendan Fraser: Oh, my god.
Tom Davis: Yeah, I call it Raturday Night Live, and uh, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to train rats to do sketch comedy.
Brendan Fraser: Tom, this is amazing. Say, tell me, who hosts the show? Other rats?
Tom Davis: Normally, yes, uh, this week, though, it was Jon Lovitz.
Brendan Fraser: Oh. Well Tom, this just blows my mind. You know, this is really incredible, man!
Tom Davis: It is.
[ Enter Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Brendan, what are you doing in here?
Brendan Fraser: Oh, hey, look, Lorne, Tom Davis has been locked in here for 24 years.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, I know. I’m the one who locked him in here.
Brendan Fraser: What? Hmmm …
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Tom screwed me on an old pot deal. [ Tom shrugs, looks away. Lorne glances at the rat stage ] I see you’ve got a Mary Catherine Gallagher rat, huh?
Tom Davis: Oh yeah, well, we can listen to the show through the vent.
[ The Mary Catherine Gallagher rat breaks the miniature chalkboard. ]
Lorne Michaels: That rat is very, very talented. [ Dollar signs appear above his head as dreamy music plays. He envisions a marquee reading “RAT: THE MOVIE” and its rat-star getting photographed on the red carpet. ]
Brendan Fraser: Hey, uh, Lorne, snap out of it, man.
Lorne Michaels: Uh — Brendan, why don’t you go introduce the band, okay?
Brendan Fraser: Yeah, got it. [ he exits ]
Tom Davis: Lorne, you gotta believe me. I had no idea it was oregano.
Lorne Michaels: Right. You messed with the wrong man, Tom. [ exits the shelter ]
Tom Davis: Lorne, I bought it from Garrett! You gotta believe me! [ he quickly realizes that Lorne “accidentally” left the shelter door open, and makes a break for it ]
[ Cut to Home Base ]
Brendan Fraser: Hey, we’ve got a great show! Busta Rhymes is here with the Roots! Raise the roof! So you stick around, because we will be right back!
Air Date:
