Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Announcer: The human body. Only one home fitness system unlocks your body’s maximum potential.
[ cut to the product, a massive trunk labelled “Bio Flex” ]
Announcer: Bio Flex. Designed to build muscle mass through actual resistance from a genetically re-engineered humanoid.
[ Consumer enters living in his workout clothes, and unlocks the Bio Flex trunk to reveal an angered humanoid creature on the rampage ]
Announcer: Bio Flex may be the world’s first perfect total workout system.
[ show outline of the box with the Bio-flex creature inside ]
Announcer: Hand-to-hand combat with with the Bio Flex proto-sapien creature provides intense isometric and aerobic exercise.
[ the Bio Flex creature pounces on the Consumer, breaking a coffee table in the process. A guitar and other objects are also smashed and destroyed during the struggle. ]
Announcer: Once the monster is released, all you have to do is fight it. [ the Consumer crouches low against the wall, as the Bio Flex creature’s arm bursts through ] It’s that simple.
Announcer: Unlike most workouts, Bio flex impacts every major muscle.
[ the Bio Flex creature smashes the Consumer’s head against a mirror, bloodying his head ]
Announcer: Being pounced on by the angry, hungry creature tones and firms your thighs and gloots.
[ the Bio Flex creature jumps on the Consumer’s back. The image freezes, as an outline appears over the Consumer’s thigh and gloot regions ]
Announcer: Wrestling with the violent ape-beast works your shoulders, pecs, and abdominals.
[ the Bio Flex creature then tugs the Consumer’s arms upward. The image freezes, as an outline appears over the Consumer’s shoulder, pec, and abdominal regions ]
Announcer: Finally, being pummelled and beaten by the vicious man-monster is also part of the workout.
[ the Bio Flex creature flings the Consumer to the floor and smashes bottles over his head ]
Announcer: Total. Natural. Bio Flex. When your workout is finished, Bio Flex stores conveniently out of the way —
[ the staggering and bloody Consumer happily snaps the Bio Flex trunk shut. Unfortunately, the Bio Flex creature is still on the loose, and promptly pounces on the Consumer once more ]
Announcer: Plus, a Bio Flex workout takes twenty minutes.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 13th, 1999 Brendan Fraser Busta Rhymes The Roots John Goodman Tom Davis Lorne Michaels George Plimpton The President On TrialRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bill Clinton, Linda Tripp.
Montage
Brendan Fraser’s MonologueSummary: To relate the audience to his new movie, “Blast From the Past,” Brendan Fraser ventures backstage to show off a time capsule where former writer/featured performer Tom Davis has been hidden all these years. Transcript
Bio FlexSummary: A consumer (Will Ferrell) steps up to the challenge of fighting with the Bio Flex total workout creature. Transcript
Judge JudyRecurring Characters: Judge Judy Sheindlin, Petri Hawkins-Byrd.
Just Enjoy The OzzySummary: While on a dinner date, lovers Ted (Brendan Fraser) and Tracy (Molly Shannon) are interrupted by a singing waiter (Horatio Sanz) who keeps playing Ozzy Osbourne songs for them. Transcript
The ZimmermansRecurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.
TV FunhouseSummary: Fun With Real Audio.
You’re A Champion, Charlie BrownSummary: Following another football psyche-out by Lucy (Ana Gasteyer), Charlie Brown (Brendan Fraser) flies through the air and cracks his head open. Recurring Characters: Franklin. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Jerry Falwell.
Busta Rhymes & The Roots perform “Gimme Some More”
…..Colin Quinn Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows Singers…..Horatio Sanz, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, and Chris Parnell
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hey folks! There we are. Helloo.
Two in audience: Yeah, Colin!
Colin Quinn: (laughs) Thank you.
Bill and Hillary Clinton are obsessed about a cover story on their daughter Chelsea in the new “People” magazine. They say they’d give up on the press all together if it wasn’t for the good, decent people over at “Hustler”. [laughter]
A spectator at the Clinton impeachment trial this week was removed from the gallery and arrested after yelling to the senators to “Hurry up and take the vote”. He has been identified as this man: [photo of Al Gore] [laughter]
While on a ski trip this week, New Jersey governor Christie Whitman [sic] broke her leg. Wait a second. She’s from New Jersey, and three days after the Superbowl she ends up with a broken leg? Ski trip, my ass. Sounds to me like somebody went a little bit too heavy on the Falcons. [light laughter] The governor of Jersey would be that “somebody,” is what I’m trying to… Heh heh.
Today! Today–hot off the presses, folks–Monica Lewinsky’s testimony was released, where, among other information, she explained how she told ten people about her affair with the president. Including her mother and her aunt. There’s a nice General Foods International Coffee moment. [laughter] What, are you sitting in the breakfast nook, drinking a Swiss Almond Blend, looking through the Land’s End catalog. “Hey Ma, I like this fleece-lined jumper. Did I mention I’ve been going down on the president? I didn’t tell you that?” “Oh, honey, that’s wonderful. Wait a minute, call in your aunt so you don’t have to tell the story twice.” [laughter] I mean, geez, oh peas.
In a rare moment of bipartisanship this week, senate Democrats withdrew their opposition to the Republican proposal for a tax cut. The senate Democrats originally complained that the cuts were only going to help the rich. But then they remembered, “Hey, wait a minute. We are the rich.” [light laughter] That was like, a deep social conscious joke, folks.
According to an interview in “Daily Variety”, Farrah Fawcett is eager to get back to work, and is considering all offers to get her career back on track. Well, Farrah, I would like to offer you a role in my next movie. I’m shooting it in my apartment, and it’s called “I’ve wanted to do this since 1975.” [laughter, applause, and hoots] See, that was socially conscious, too. In its own way, it was political.
Celeste Swiznuski, a Monica Lewinsky lookalike, has been standing outside Monica’s hotel, hoping to attract the attention that Monica was avoiding. This is good news for society, huh? Now stalkers have stalkers. [laughter] What I can’t figure out is who’s prouder: The father of the girl who performed oral sex on the president, or the father of the girl who wants people to believe she’s the girl who performed oral sex on the president. [applause] Nice. Niiiiice. [laughter]
CIA director George Tenet warned this week that Saudi terrorist Osama bin Laden is preparing to launch another attack against US facilities. (nods) Good. How about “where”, George? [light laughter] Wanna give some informa– nice, folks.
An aide to Washington DC mayor Anthony Williams was forced to resign, because he used the word niggardly. Which actually means stingy or miserly, but sounds like a racial slur. In a related story, NBC announced it will no longer use the words David Spade. [audience laughs after a second] Ah, took you a second there. You need a little time.
Israel’s National Parks Authority has authorized a private contractor to build a submerged bridge into the Sea of Galilee that would allow tourists to simulate Jesus’ miraculous walk on water. Yeah, I think Jesus would appreciate the plumber on vacation from Toms River mimicking one of His greatest feats. [laughter] “Hey, look kids, Daddy’s Moonwalking across the lake just like our Lord and Savior did in the 1800s!” [laughter] (Colin sighs) Honestly.
American war planes attacked newly installed Iraqi anti-ship missile launchers along the Persian Gulf. An enraged Saddam Hussein scolded his troops saying, “You see? This is why we can’t have nice things.” [laughter]
A female chimp in the Los Angeles Zoo gave birth this week, but of the six possible fathers in the exhibit with her, three have vasectomies, two are too young, and one is too old to have fathered the baby. Confused scientists don’t know whether the birth is the result of a genetic miracle, or the worst case of beer goggles in history. [lingering laughter]
The night before the Superbowl, Falcon player Eugene Robinson was arrested after offering an undercover policewoman forty dollars for oral sex. Forty dollars. Seems like a lot of money to pay for something that technically, isn’t even sex. [light laugher] Remember? Three months ago… (addresses the audience) What do you want to talk about? The new Sugar Ray hit? I didn’t think he’d have another hit, but he did. [laughter] He’s got a big hit.
Last week, at the Superbowl, when Cher came out to sing the national anthem, she was escorted onto the field by a young boy who seemed to be terrified. He didn’t know it was Cher, he thought it was Marilyn Manson. [laughter] I apologize. I’m sorry, I’m sorry about that one. Marilyn. [audience oooohs] How’d you like the first part, in terms of the second?
All right, over the past year Clinton confidante Vernon Jordan has over the past year has emerged as a major player in one of the most important events in recent history: The impeachment of the president. Here now to discuss his Senate deposition earlier this week is Vernon Jordan. [cheers and applause]
Vernon Jordan: Thank you, thank you. Good evening, Colin, and thank you for extending this invitation to me.
Colin Quinn: Now, Vernon, we all know you’re some kind of lawyer, and that you’re a friend of the President’s, and that you’re maybe one of the most powerful men in Washington. But I have to ask. What exactly do you do?
Vernon Jordan: (laughs) Well, Colin, I’m that rarest of species, known as a Beltway insider. A man behind the scenes. By day I lunch with kings. By night I dine with queens. (laughs) What’s more, I always have the perfect dimple in my tie. (gestures to his tie)
Colin Quinn: But what does that really mean?
Vernon Jordan: That I’m a player on the scene.
Colin Quinn: Still, I’ve heard all that before —
Vernon Jordan: Oh but wait, I’m much, much more. (piano begins to play, Vernon pulls dress gloves out of his jacket pocket) (talk-sings) I’m an attorney, and a lobbyist, an essayist, a hobbyist. (puts on gloves) An amateur ornithologist. Why I wear maaaany hats. (is handed a top hat, puts it on) I’m a gadabout, (laughs) a ne’er-do-well, a rake, a rogue, a fancy swell. A modern day-style William Tell. I’m really all of that. (Orchestra starts to play, Vernon pulls out a walking stick, and sits on the Update desk. Colin looks slightly alarmed)
(sings) While the senate sits debating/I go off promenading/With a smart set lass or lad/I’m chummy with the President/A local DC resident/I cannot stand a bore, or caaaad/Where champagne corks are popping/And tres bon mots are swapping/You’ll find me in with the crowd/When a lady needs a squire or a good friend needs a liar/Just say my name out loud/And I’ll tip my hat to you, sir/As a gentleman should do, sir/For I am Vernon Jordan
(Vernon jumps off the desk and is joined by four singers dressed in old-fashioned attire)
Singers: He’ll tie his tie/Put on his spats/In barely 20 seconds flat/He’s a trouble-shooting man about the town
Vernon Jordan: Opera tickets, yes indeed/A summer job for friends in need/Look no further/Good old Vernon is around
Ana: I fear I’ve been indicted
Vernon Jordan: Well, that wrong will soon be righted
Chris: I’m a little short on cash
Vernon Jordan: It’ll be there in a flash
Molly: We need a fourth for tennis
Vernon Jordan: On the court I am a menace
Horatio: It seems you never fail to please
Vernon Jordan: And I even speak Chinese
(singers oooh and create a chorus line, Vernon dances behind them)
Singers: ‘Cause he’s a problem-solving/World revolving/Expeditious/Meretricious/Courtroom handy/Dapper dandy/Verrrrnon Jorrrrrrdaaaaan
Vernon Jordan: That’s me!! (confetti falls)
Colin Quinn: Vernon Jordan, everybody! Vernon Jordan! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Goodnight! (Vernon and Molly wave)
Judge William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond Tom Daschle…..Chris Kattan Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri
Judge Rehnquist: Senators, I’m getting tired of these straight party-line votes. We need to find something to break this up. Did anybody see the Superbowl?
Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I saw the Superbowl, and I particularly loved that commercial with the little mouse wearing glasses. I mean, that was funny.
Tom Daschle: I thought it was ludicrous. Mice don’t wear goggles.
Judge Rehnquist: We’ll take a vote. Who thinks mice wear goggles, say Aye.
Republicans: Aye!
Judge Rehnquist: Those that think they don’t, say Nay.
Judge Rehnquist: Apparently, whether mice wear goggles is a partisan issue. I give up. I guess we have to agree to disagree.
Republicans: Aye!
Democrats: Nay!
[ GRAPHIC: AGREE TO DISAGREE, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: How can you not agree to disagree? That’s it, okay? We might as well order lunch, because we’re going to be here all day.
Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? If I may, I propose we get ourselves a pizza.
Tom Daschle: I say Chinese food.
Judge Rehnquist: How many for pizza?
Republicans: Aye!
Judge Rehnquist: Chinese food?
Democrats: Aye!
[ GRAPHIC: LUNCH, PIZZA: 55, CHINESE FOOD, 44 ]
Judge Rehnquist: It’s 55 to 44. Okay, who didn’t vote?
Mary Bono: Ah, I would like Falaffles.
Judge Rehnquist: We aren’t getting Falaffles. It looks like pizza. I hate to ask, but what toppings are we getting on the pizza?
Trent Lott: [ jubilant ] Pepperoni!
Tom Daschle: Mushrooms?
Mary Bono: Ooh! Let’s vote!
Judge Rehnquist: We’re not going to vote. 56% of the pizza will have pepperoni, the other 44%, mushroom.
Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I’d like to bring before the Senate a vote on whether more witnesses should be..
Judge Rehnquist: [ banging gavel ] We will not continue with this impeachment hearing until we can find some common ground. I can’t believe we can’t agree on anything. [ desperate ] Anybody have HBO? Have you seen those interminable promos for the “Tracey Ullman Show”?
Tom Daschle: Is that the one where she’s talking to her kid?
Judge Rehnquist: Yeah! Is it me, or is that show overrated? All those who agree, say Aye.
Everyone: Aye!!
[ GRAPHIC: TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW OVERRATED, AGREE: 100 ]
Judge Rehnquist: Finally! You all agree. Good. That show blows hard! [ anxious to continue ] Hey! Did you see on VH-1 that “Behind the Music” with Leif Garrett? Was that so sad, it was hilarious? All in favor, say Aye.
Everyone: Aye!!
[ GRAPHIC: LEIF GARRETT SO SAD IT’S HILARIOUS, AGREE: 100 ]
Judge Rehnquist: We are on a roll now, okay! That band N*Sync. They’re not that bad. In fact, they’re sexy. All those that agree, say Aye.
[ silence amongst stunned Republicans and Democrats ]
Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? That’s messed up.
Judge Rehnquist: [ quickly covering his tracks ] Those guys aren’t sexy. I was just trying to see if I could get you guys to say it. Okay, you know what? Enough! [ bangs gavel ] Now that we’ve broken the deadlock, back to the allowing of video testimony. All those in favor, say Aye..
John Oates: You might–you might remember this one. (sings) “Private eyes, (claps) they’re watching you. (claps twice)” That was all me. The clapping part. I wasn’t actually the one who uh, clapped, but um, it was my idea. To clap. [Hall & Oates’ “Maneater” starts to play] I didn’t really sing, or play guitar that well. So. (pause) I’m Oates.
…..Gwyneth Paltrow First Woman in Audience…..Paula Pell Second Woman in Audience…..Tina Fey …..Ben Affleck
Gwyneth: [ in english accent ] Thank you! Thank you very very much… Thank you. You are all… You are all very very kind, really. It’s absolutely brilliant to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I have had such a smashing year.
[ First Woman in the Audience stands up ]
First Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth?
Gwyneth: Yes?
First Woman in Audience: I’m a big fan of yours. I loved you in “Shakespeare In Love” and “Sliding Doors,” and “Emma”. But I didn’t know that you were actually from England.
Gwyneth: Oh yes, I was born and raised there.
First Woman in Audience: Where exactly?
[ Gwyneth ignores the Woman in the Audience and addresses a Man in the Audience ]
Gwyneth: You sir! Do you have a question?
Man in Audience: No..no..no… no I didn’t.
Gwyneth: Well, I miss home already. So many wonderful memories of England… the smell of sweetmeats and scones on St. Crispin’s Day.
[ Second Woman stands up in the audience ]
Second Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth, aren’t you from New York?
Gwyneth: Pardon?
Second Woman in Audience: Well I read in People Magazine that grew up in New York City… and your mom is Blythe Danner and your dad produced “St. Elsewhere”?
Gwyneth: Well I certainly don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you like some tea, love?
[ Ben Affleck stands up in the audience ]
Ben: Hold On… Gwyneth! It’s me… It’s me Ben…
Gwyneth:I’m sorry? Ben: Ben! Ben Affleck.
Gwyneth: Oh-ho! Ben Affleck, the charming American actor I worked with in “Shakespeare In Love”.
Ben: Uhh… Gwyneth, why are you speaking inan English accent?
Gwyneth: English people always speak with English accents love! Oh you Yanks are so humourous.. spelled with a “O-U-R”.
Ben: But you’re not British. You’re American. You were born in Los Angeles, you were raised in New York. You’re whole family’s American. I know that.
Gwyneth: Well it’s odd that an American would know so much about me, an English woman.
Ben: I don’t know… I don’t really think it’s odd. I mean… you know.. we… you know… we DATED. We broke up like a month ago, it was in all the papers. Didn’t you read about it? You know what? You don’t have to do that. People will still take you seriously as an actress, you know, even if you’re American.
Gwyneth: Really?
Ben: Yeah… don’t go all Minnie Driver on me, ok?
Gwyneth: Alright, well we got a great show for you tonight! The Barenaked Ladies are here. And they are just smashing… Oh no.. sorry. They’re great. Stick around we’ll be right back.
Emcee: Alright everyone, just a quick announcement before we get started. Uh, Anarchy Diet has been moved from Tuesday to Wednesday, so all you anarchists, make a mark of that in your books. Ok now, put your hands together for our first guests, Mindy and Skye. Alright.
Mindy: Hey thanks, thank you very much. Alright. Uh, peace. This is a dream come true. Dig it.
Skye: Yeah, dig it.
Mindy: I’m Mindy and this is Skye.
Skye: Heh, dig it again.
Mindy: You know folks? Two days ago, I was the lonliest guy in the world. Then one fated afternoon at Starbucks I was journaling through some rage, and I met this angel. So beautiful. So smart. So.. vegetarian. Before I knew it, I was doing wheat grass shots from her bellybutton. She is the love of my life.
Skye: Thank you baby.
Mindy: You’re welcome baby. The first time, the first time she sang this song for me, I nearly fainted, it touched me so much.
Skye: Well it’s also because you had just given blood.
Mindy: Yeah, that’s true. This is that song. It sings something very close to my heart.
Skye: It’s about the almighty whale.
Mindy: Majestic creatures in danger of extinction. I think it’s time for us to do something man.
Skye: It’s bad for whales to get extincted.
Mindy: Yeah, come on people, let’s get conscious here.
Skye: Let’s clean up the lakes so whales can be OK. I mean how can you call yourself peoples, when all you do is sit around, man. And get jobs and eat whales and take jobs from whales and some of you do things to help, but other people just dont ever even do nothing! And it makes me SO MAD! Wait, what were we talking about?
Mindy: Whales.
Skye: Oh yeah, whales! WHALE POWER!!
Mindy: Hey baby, how bout we just sing the beautiful song alright?
Skye: [ singing ] “Hey mister where you goin? Here’s something you should be knowing. There’s a problem that’s really growing. Whale spouts are meant for blowing. So STOP dropping bombs onto the whales, you dirty dirty bums Just because they’re fat, doesn’t mean they’re dumb. Leave the whales alone!”
Mindy: Um.. hey uh baby?
Skye: Yeah baby.
Mindy: Is that the same song you sang to me last night?
Skye: Probably not, ’cause I just made it up. Why? Did you like it baby?
Mindy: I loved it. It was genius. Wow, you have really cool hair. Ok, this next song is about a very important issue. You know we lose 50 million acres of rainforest each year. I mean that’s just uh.. god you have sexy cheekbones. But we gotta do something about the rainforest.
Skye: Oh yeah, I hate the rainforest.
Mindy: Without the rainforest the planet is not going to survive, man. So we gotta make things right.
Skye: There’s just too many rainforests and they’re like taking over the land! The time has come to stand and fight.
Mindy: Um. I’m not sure what you mean there, Skye.
Skye: Yeah, I mean if we all don’t ban together, and BURN all the rainforests, there’s going to be monkeys running our cities. It’s just going to be like “Planet of the Apes”. People you’ve seen the movie! You know it’s coming!
Mindy: Hey, baby hey baby you’re kind of freaking all of us out.
Skye: Well sing your song Mindy. You’ve gotta warn them.
Mindy: Yeah, save the trees here.
Mindy: [ singing ] “They’re cutting down majestic trees Mother nature falls to her knees Stop bagging up and stop it please. But greedy wants what greedy sees.”
Skye: RAINFORESTS ARE THE DEVIL! WEVE GOT TO KILL THE DEVIL!WE GOTTA PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS! AND HIRE WAY MORE COPS! DAMN TREES! DAMN TREES!
Mindy: Hey wait! Hey Skye! Skye stop it!
Skye: Why?!
Mindy: What the hell do you think you’re doing? I mean, are you insane?!
Skye: No, I’m just very opinionated.
Mindy: My god! Singing is my living even though I dont make any money at it. I still take it very seriously.
Skye: Well I do too!
Mindy: Well I’m sorry, I cannot perform with a woman who thinks trees are the devil.
Skye: [ pause ] I dont want to hurt you baby so I’ll hit the road. bye mindy. These last 53 hours have been the best ones of my entire life. [ they kiss ]
Mindy: ..Wait, wait hold on. Rainforests are the devil.. That’s cool. Yeah I’m totally cool with that yeah. You know maybe we should stick to love songs. Alright? What do you think of that my beautiful soulmate?
Skye: Cosmic. I love you mindy
Mindy: Me too. This one’s called “The Ballad of Mindy and Skye”.
[ singing ] “Down by the water on a rainy day I’ll never forget the moment that I saw you swim my way. You said..
Skye: [ making burbling noises ] “Hey, nice to meet you, how bout a swim?”
Mindy & Skye: [ singing in harmony ] We kinda go together.
Skye: [ singing ] Cause I’m a her.
Mindy: [ singing ] And I’m a him. [ speaking ] Thank you very much everybody!
[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to interior, girl’srestroom, where girl gang The Black Angels enter ]
China: Oh, my God! I can’t believe we stole the community wine!
Ana: We would’ve gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn’t fallen out of your bra.
Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I’m just getting a good buzz going!
China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]
Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!
Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] “Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice.Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie.”
Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they’re tough enough to be a Black Angel?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary KatherineGallagher!
Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?
Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in ourvicious gang!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw “The Patty Hearst Story” on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl.”
Nicki: You want to be one of us?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.
Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.
Ana: You’re about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!
[ Black Angels laugh ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!
Ana: That’s pretty good..
China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..
Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.
Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!
Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!
[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]
China: I’ll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ]
[ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]
Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I’ve done it before.
[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]
Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don’t forget – Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ]
[ Black Angels reappear ]
Ana: I can’t believe you did that..
China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!
Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So,here’s the deal: China’s gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?
Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I’m an asthmatic, so if you’regonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?
Nicki: Oh, we’re gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.
Male Student: Hi..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?
Male Student: Okay..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]
Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My “Babyon 5” Internet chat room isnever gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs outexcitedly ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?
[ Black Angels laugh at her ]
Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain’t never gonna be in the Black Angels!
China: Yeah, dream on, headband!
Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] “You think that I’m afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I’m just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, ’cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I’ll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! ‘Causeif I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I’ll take my two bare hands and I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ]
[ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China’s leather jacket and Ana’s cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]
Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What’s it to you, Collar?
Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does hervictory split ] Black Angel!
[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]
[Joan Jett is in a bar, facing a jukebox, then turns and faces the camera. “I Love Rock & Roll” plays in the background.]
Joan Jett: One time I was at this bar, you know, and there was this jukebox. And, um, my boyfriend said, “I love rock and roll. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby.” And uh I was like, “Okay.” So I put a dime in the jukebox. But uh, it didn’t work. Because jukeboxes take quarters. (laughs) Anyway, we went back to my boyfriend’s place, and he said, “Eat this bag of circus peanuts while I watch!” [laughter] He got a kick out of stuff like that. (shrugs) One time, he uh, this is a funny story – one time he had me take my shirt off and eat a can of dog food in front of his parents. They pretended to be horrified. We just laughed, and then got high with ’em. Those were heady days. (nods) Heady indeed.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I’d like to thank everybody! I’d like to thank the Barenaked Ladies.. Ben Affleck.. and everybody! I had a great time! Good night, everybody!
Air Date:
