Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Drunken Maniac….Horatio Sanz David….Chris Parnell Male Guest….Bill Murray Female Guest….Ana Gasteyer Punched Guy….Will Ferrell Man in Bear Costume….Jimmy Fallon
[Opens with a very elegant, very uber fashionableapartment. There is a party, everyone is dressed inthe latest fashion clothes. 15 guests more or less arearound with drinks on their hands. A female guestmakes a toast]
Female Guest: I want to take this time andcongratulate David on his new spring line.
[some applause]
David: Thank you. Thank you all so much for yoursupport. It really means a lot to me. Ummm, go back tohaving fun.[laughs]
Female Guest: It really was a great show.
David: Thank you.
Female Guest: And your apartment looks so great. Ilove it.
David: Yeah, it’s getting there, yeah.
[A guy in a jean jacket screams to a group of goodlooking women]
Drunk Maniac: YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS!!!
David: I guess somebody doesn’t like it.[laughs]
Drunk Maniac:[breaks bottle]I WANT MORE BOOZE!!
David: Ok, what’s going over there?
Male Guest: Hey, I’m really sorry about his.
David: Is he drunk?
Male Guest: Yeah, well, a little, but he’s a very dear friend.
Drunk Maniac: YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!!!!
[crashing noise, glass breaking]
David: Ok, I want him out of here.
Male Guest: Listen, I think you should know this. Hisparents were eaten by a bear.
Female Guest: Oh, my God! That is horrible!
David: Oh, I had no idea.
Male Guest: He’s going through a very, very rough time.
[Drunken maniac stands beside them]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
David: I’m sorry about what happened.
Male Guest: We’re gonna get you through this, man. Come on.
Drunk Maniac: It just wouldn’t stop eating them!! Itwouldn’t stop!![takes a picture from thewall]AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!A BEARATE MY PARENTS!!!![Destroys the painting, cries loudly]
David: Shouldn’t we take him outside?
Male Guest: Oh, yeah. That’s the best treatment forsomeone whose parents were eaten by a bear. Kick himoutside. Where the bears are!
David: I’m very sorry.
[Drunken maniac stops a guest]
Drunk Maniac: I love them and a BEAR ATE THEM!!!!
[Punches the guy in the face, knocks plant over]
David: How did this happened?
Male Guest: Well, he only talks about them when he’sdrunk. But I sort of pieced together the story fromhis drunken ramblings. Oh, no….
[Drunken maniac is taking a piss in a potted plant]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
Male Guest: He was home with his parents late at nightwatching TV and suddenly this huge grizzly bearsmashes through the sliding glass door.
Drunk Maniac: We should’ve gone out that night!!
[throws heavy object into the TV screen, TV explodes]
Male Guest: He was completely paralyzed with fear. Hesat there for two and half hours while this bear ate his parents.
Female Guest: Oh, that’s awful!
Male Guest: No one and I mean no one!! Should have towatch his parents being eaten by a bear.
David: Well, I wasn’t arguing with you.
Male Guest: Well, it sounded like you were!
Drunk Maniac: MAKE THE BEAR GO AWAY!!!
[Throws statue into glass table smashing it to pieces]
Male Guest: It’s all right everybody. His parents were eaten by a bear.
Crowd: Awwwwwww!![understanding responses]
Drunk Maniac: It should’ve been me![cries]
David: Now, don’t say that. That’s not true![comforts him]
Drunk Maniac: My parents are in the stomach of a bear!
Male Guest: We’re here for you, buddy. We’rehere.[comforts him too]
Drunk Maniac: The bear, the bear….used my parentsfor calories so he could run and climb. But my parentswere much more than bear calories. THEY WERE MYPARENTS!![cries loudly, more comfort towards him]
David: Listen, why don’t you sit on my couch? And Ican get you some coffee or something. Ok?
[They go to the couch]
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO THROW THIS DAMN COUCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!
David: No, please!
Drunk Maniac: COME ON! LET’S DO IT!!
[Starts lifting the couch and some people help him lift it]
David: Oh, my God! Why are you helping him?
Punched guy: His parents were eaten by a bear!
Female Guest: Good God, David! I’ll pay for yourprecious couch if you want! It’s no big deal.
Drunk Maniac: NO MORE BEARS!!
[With a little help from his friends he throws thecouch out the window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MYPARENTS!![He’s hugged by male guest]
Male Guest: Oh, let it out. Let it all out!
David: He’s obviously going through a lot of pain.When did this happen?
Male Guest: 22 years ago this week.
David: What?!
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE STEREO!!
Male Guest: What? Is there a time limit on this kind of thing?
David: Yes!
Male Guest: I suppose the fact that they were only histemporary foster parents changes things too, huh?
David: Yes!
Drunk Maniac: Spielberg had just directed “Jaws” andthen….A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!![cries]
David: I am calling the police.[Drunken maniac knockstelephone to the floor. Ding-Dong. The door] Oh, good.Well, maybe somebody called them already.
[Door is opened and a candy gram arrives of a mandressed as a grizzly bear holding flowers]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! OH, NO!!! YOU CAMEBACK FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
[Drunken Maniac jumps out the glass window, fallingdown whistle, crashing below sounds]
Man in bear costume: [sings with littleenthusiasm] Congratulations dear David on a bear of afashion show.[gives David the flowers, leaves]
Female Guest: I thought you’d think it was kitschy.
Drunk Maniac:[From the street below] A bear ate my parents!!!
Punched guy: [looking out the window] He missed the couch.
Male Guest: I think I’ve come without money. You thinkyou could loan me 20 dollars?
Steve Baxter….Bill Murray Las Vegas Lounge Singer….Chris Parnell
[Opens with a Las Vegas Lounge Singer holding a microphone]
Las Vegas Lounge Singer: New in town? Finding the best gynecologist in town can be hard. Right? Well, not anymore. Check this out!
[Music plays, sings]
“Hey! This guy is hot, he’ll hit the spot with all he’s gooot! Steve Baxter! Hollywood Gynecologist!
Call him up! Come on in! Get nuuuuude! He plays it fair, but just beware, he likes to staaaaaaaare! Steve Baxter! Hollywood Gynecologist!
Drive by! Show your pie! Feel gooood!”
Now ladies and gentlemen! Here he is! The Baxman himself!
[Curtains rolls sideways revealing Steve Baxter sitting on a patients chair]
Steve Baxter: My name is Steve Baxter. I’m a licensed OB/GYN. My buddies say that’s just a fancy way of saying you like to sneak a peek. But hey! I don’t go talk to my buds about it. That’s not my style. My style is more confidential-like. That’s why some pretty tony ladies have come in and slipped out of their unitards in my office. I’m talking about ladies like…Miss Stockard Channing, Marilu Henner, our own Dyan Cannon, Jeanne Tripplehorn twice. And a national treasure, Miss Katherine Hepburn. In case you’re wondering they’re all more than just fine. So, you see, you may as well drop right in, let me check you out. After all, I’m a doctor. Oh, yeah. One more thing. In case you’re wondering…I do date my patients.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 20th, 1999 Bill Murray Lucinda Williams None Stephanie Seymour Chevy Chase The Ladies’ ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and model Stephanie Seymour demonstrate how to pick up women in a bar and abandon them soon after. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
Montage
Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: An excited Bill Murray climbs about the stage and raves about “Footloose: the Musical.” Transcript
YahtzeeSummary: Sam (Bill Murray) and Jane (Molly Shannon) challenge Jim (Will Ferrell) and Nancy (Ana Gasteyer) to a competitive game of Yahtzee. Transcript
The Knicks City Dancers
SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) touts the mineral water that’s dredged from Lake Erie. Note: Repeat from 10/08/77.
The Quotable CaddyshackSummary: Bill Murray and Chevy Chase help yuppies stay hip with the ultimate “Caddyshack” reference guide. Transcript
Morning LatteRecurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass Van Rye.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Lucinda Williams performs “Can’t Let Go”
A Bear Ate My Parents!Summary: During David’s (Chris Parnell) elegant art party, a stray guest (Horatio Sanz) constantly yells about a bear having eaten his parents. Transcript
Third Eye Bookstore
Lucinda Williams performs “Too Cool To Be Forgotten”
Steve Baxter, Hollywood GynecologistSummary: Steve Baxter (Bill Murray) advertises his services with the help of a one-man Las Vegas lounge act (Chris Parnell). Transcript
…..Colin Quinn Larry Smith…..Tracy Morgan Jerry Falwell…..Darrell Hammond …..Jimmy Fallon
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ohh, hi! Thank you folks, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you. Well– [a woman cheers] Woo!
This week, the Senate voted to acquit the President of all charges against him. Immediately after the votes were counted, President Clinton received a phone call from the Denver Broncos congratulating him.
In her “Today” show interview, Linda Tripp claimed that what she did was her patriotic duty, and she would do it all over again. When she was then asked to define the word “patriot,” she answered, “A Jabba-the-Hut-like creature who betrays friends for book deals.”…Actually, though, you have to admit she looked good. On the interview. If she lost about 60 more pounds, she’d be Kato.
Now that the trial is over, Al Gore is spending the weekend rewriting the word “Vice” over the Wite-Out on his business cards. [delayed applause]
The video clips of Monica Lewinsky shown during the impeachment trial omitted some of the most intriguing parts of her testimony. Including that she considers herself obnoxious, angry, and a pessimist. Wow! All that and looks, too!
A man was removed from the Senate gallery and briefly detained last week for wearing a T-shirt to the impeachment trial that said, “Bill doesn’t inhale, he just sucks.”…He was released after this woman [photo of Barbara Bush] came to take him home. [some applause]
As King Hussein’s son, Abdullah, ascends to the throne of Jordan, his 28-year-old wife, Queen Rania, will become the youngest queen in the world. The second youngest: Prince Edward. [groans and boos]…Somebody had to say it first. You know what I mean?
On Tuesday, the Oscar nominations were announced; here to comment on the A – Academy selections, is an old friend of mine that I ran into on the street yesterday. He says he knows a lot about movies, so here he is: Larry Smith.
[pan over to Larry, who’s dressed in Army clothing]
Larry Smith: All right! All right! What’s up, baby?
Colin: All right, Larry.
Larry: What’s up, Colin, man. How you doin’, all right?
Colin: Yeah!
Larry: All right. Yeah, right! Them Oscars are somethin’, man! I mean, the machinations among the studios and the critics, man, and the so-called Academy presents an interesting dilemma, man, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, you got Si – Saving Pr – Private Ryan – Ryan, right? Now, these fellas gonna go back behind enemy lines and save Private Larry? It ain’t gonna happen, I mean, that’s naive. ‘Cause that ain’t what war is all about, Colin.
Colin: I’m sorry, Larry. You were in the war?
Larry: Yeah, man, I was in Germany in 1974, Colin, in Hamburg! Yeah! You heard of the 82nd Airborne?
Colin: Yeah!
Larry: Yeah! [chuckles] I was – I was in in the 83rd Airborne! They would bring us in when the 82nd got tired….But as far as what we was communicating about before, as pertaining to the Oscars and that particular mutually massive Battalial display would dig it! You know what I’m sayin’? It’s like, you got The Thin Red Line. I mean, that line is a lot thinner and a lot redder than people realize! I mean, you got The [takes a box of cigarette paper out of his front pocket] Gods and the Monsters, you know, but – but who’s the gods, you know? [takes out a piece of cigarette paper and starts rolling it] I mean, who’s the monsters, you know? [At this point, Colin starts trying to cut in and stop Larry, but he can’t cut into his ramblings and becomes nervous.] It’s crazy, man. I mean, [takes a bag of marijuana out of his side pocket] dig it, Colin! I mean…my god might be your monster, understand what I’m sayin’, Colin, and vice-versa! You know? So…ultimately [puts some of the marijuana on the piece of paper and begins to roll it up into a joint]…ultimately, you could say we was out here to, uh, discuss the Oscars! But thi – this might not be where they need – the place where we need to discuss this, you know? I don’t know, I know what you’re saying. I know what you’re saying, you know?…[licks the open end of his joint] But what’s that got to do with the Oscars, you know, but Colin, this is like the Rashaan situation, you know? [licks the open end of the joint again and seals it up]…At which every angle you look at me, there’s another angle! You know? You know where I’m comin’ from, right? You know where I’m comin’ from.
Colin: Yeah, Larry, you can’t light that up in here.
Larry: Oh.
Colin: You shouldn’t be doing that now.
Larry: I’m – I’m sorry, I forgot, baby. I’m sorry, I apologize, Colin. But you know, hey listen, as far as the movies go, man, like I always say, life is beautiful.
Colin: Oh, so you think Life Is Beautiful will be the winner?
Larry: Nah, nah, nah! That’s just what I wrote on my flak jacket when I was in the service.
Colin: Great, Larry.
Larry: Life is beautiful!
Colin: Yeah, life is beautiful, that’s great.
Larry: But thanks for puttin’ me on, Colin, man. You still my man, 50 grand, you know what I’m sayin’? You know where the party gonna be at tonight?
Colin: Larry Smith, everybody! [Larry offers him the joint] No, Larry. Come on. Put it away.
After playing only two games for the New York Knicks, forward Latrell Sprewell is going to miss the next three to six weeks due to a broken foot. Suspicious team doctors are now examining coach Jeff Van Gundy to see if he’s got a bruised ass….Ahh, you know you’re…
The woman who broke into Brad Pitt’s home and was found sleeping there in his clothes was ordered to stay a hundred yards away from him from now on. Presidential advisor Sidney Blumenthal has characterized the woman as an intern. [little reaction]
The Pope this week condemned human cloning, saying that human life had to be protected against any violation of its dignity. The Pope coming out against cloning is a little ironic, when you think about it. I mean, if you lined up the last 50 popes, could you tell one from the other?…There is no more.
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos graces the 36th annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, hitting newsstands this week. Rebecca, congratulations. Good luck with your career. I’ll be pulling for you. [some cheers and applause]
A plan…a plan in Michigan to use billboards of Ted Nugent urging drivers to buckle up is a success. Michigan authorities claim a sharp increase in seatbelt use among men who drive pickups. Scientists call the program dangerous because it interferes with the process of natural selection.
Researchers reported this week that silicone breast implants can cause cancer in laboratory mice….What kind of lonely, demented scientist spends his day giving mice boob jobs?…We’re all tryin’ to make a buck, bud.
This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell created quite a controversy when he claimed that one of the Teletubbies, Tinky-Winky, was most likely gay. Here to defend that position is the Reverend Jerry Falwell.
[pan over to Jerry, who has a Tinky-Winky doll face down on the desk]
Jerry Falwell: I want to thank you, Colin. Thank you for having me on. I’m sure this is very cute for a lot of people out there, but I want you to know: if you are an evangelical Christian like me, then you know this [shows the doll] Tinky-Winky character poses a real threat to our children.
Colin: Ho – how can you say that? What could be threatening about that doll? You hug him, he says, “Bye-bye!” [Jerry laughs] and, “Big hugs!”
Jerry: Oh, no, Colin! That’s not all he says! Every word out of this little fellow’s mouth is full-on gay!…Listen to this: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Do you like watching figure skating on TV?
Jerry: Here’s another… [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Let’s go shopping at the flea market!
Jerry: I don’t know about you, Colin. But I don’t spend my time shoppin’ at the flea market!
Colin: I’ll admit that was a little weird. But I don’t know how you can [Jerry chuckles] conclude–
Jerry: Colin! I’m no expert in what the gays like…but I say that sounded pretty immoral. I mean, imagine giving this little toy to a two-year-old boy and this is what he hears: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: My dream is to open a bed and breakfast in an old Victorian!
Jerry: That’s terrible. Terrible! [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
[At this point, the doll begins sounding really gay.]
Tinky-Winky doll: I wish my mother would give it a rest!
Jerry: [disgusted] Oh…
Tinky-Winky doll: I want to be Donna Summer!
Colin: Okay. Stop it. That’s you!
Jerry:What’s me?
Colin: That’s your voice!
Jerry: Wh–
Colin: You just recorded a bunch of stuff to try and prove your point!
Jerry: Oh no, I didn’t! I don’t know how you could say that, you scoundrel! Here, listen to this: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: I like to get naked and watch wrestling!
Jerry: Colin…[Jerry squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: I like soaping up other dudes!
Jerry: Colin…Colin… [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: [in a whisper] “Frasier” is my favorite TV show!
Colin: Get outta here!
Jerry: Oh, I’m leavin’, Colin! But today it’s these Teletubbies; tomorrow, the gays will be in everything! You won’t be able to pick your nose without findin’ a gay up there! I’m warnin’ you, Colin! The gays are comin’! Listen to the gay doll! [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll:Valley of the Dolls is so bad, it’s good!
Jerry: [is completely repulsed by now] Ohh…
Colin: Get outta here!
Jerry: …ho ho ho…
Colin: Jerry Falwell, everybody!
Jerry: …oh ho…
Colin: The newly crowned Miss USA said that she will put her four-and-a-half-year relationship with her boyfriend on hold, while she concentrates on her duties as Miss USA. Sure she will. Hey, buddy! Bye bye, buddy!…She’ll be callin’ you from Mumbai, you’re at the local bar shooting darts. “Honey, I just call a call–” “Oh, that’s nice, I gotta go.” My advice to you, pal: just wait ’til she gets through her little sowing of wild oats, and hope she doesn’t run into the two words that will change your relationship forever: Tommy Lee.
In Seoul, Korea, 120,000 followers of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon were married in a mass ceremony. Two hours later, power went out as 60,000 DJs played “The Electric Slide.” [little reaction]
Virginia this week passed a bill…that could bar New York City from shipping our trash here. If this happens, the city will continue to be forced to put its trash out on the curb. And by curb, I mean New Jersey. [mixed reaction]
Neil Young is teaming up with his former bandmates, Crosby, Stills & Nash, to record their first studio album in years. The new album will be entitled CSN, and for the Love of God, Y?
The Air Force is quadrupling its advertising budget in hopes of increasing the number of recruits. This means Top Gun will be shown 40 times a month on TBS instead of the usual 10.
George Michael is breaking up with his long-time boyfriend. Friends say they could tell it was over when the two started using separate stalls. [some groans]
According to U— a USA Today poll, men in the Northeast spend more than double what men in the Midwest spend on Valentine’s Day gifts. The reason for this is that roses and jewelry cost a lot more than an ear of corn and a Richard Marx CD.
And now here with some thoughts on Valentine’s Day is Jimmy Fallon.
[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin. [Colin laughs]…Thanks a lot, Colin. You know, last time I was here, I – I did some Halloween carols, a – and I got a lot of candy. So I – so I figured…it’s – i – since Valentine’s Day is around the corner, why not make Valentine’s Day versions of some of my favorite songs, and sing them? You know, I – I’ll do something like, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind; lights dim to a reddish color]
“It’s almost the 14th of February So try and guess why I’m so depressed Wish you would send that Valentine, my friend You should see the junk mail and all the bills that I’ve been getting in And if I get one more thing from Ed McMahon I’ll kill my mailma-a-an.” [end of song; cheers and applause]
You know, something like that.
Colin: Hey, you said you get a lot of candy when you sang the Halloween carols. What do want from these songs, Valentines?
Jimmy: Valentines, candy, maybe a little lovin’….Everyone needs a little love, Colin, you know?
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Lullaby” by Shawn Mullins]
“She said she likes heart candy I said, “Yeah, who doesn’t?” She likes the little candies, her favorite ones with the hearts With all the words on them like “hug me,” “kiss me,” And “miss you” and “cutie pie.” Now I said, “If I get those things then maybe tonight You’ll be mine.” She said, “You’re a complete idiot. ‘Cause it’s almost midnight on Valentine’s Day And I haven’t gotten one damn candy.” And I said… Took her hand, brushed back her hair, and I sang to her I said, “I know a place, it’s open up all night Valentine Valentine Valentine.” [end of song]
You know, you can just [cheers and applause]…you can just, [Colin and Jimmy laugh] it’s easy. You can just call people up…call people up on the phone, you know?
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “You Get What You Give” by New Radicals]
“It’s three o’clock in the morning A wasted Valentine’s night, right My ex-girlfriend’s getting a phone call Tonight…I got tequila in me Don’t hang up, it’s your ex-boyfriend, Jimmy I am drunk, had six Long Island Iced Teas I love you, won’t you come back to me, please?” [end of song; cheers and applause]
So don’t, uh…so don’t be surprised if, uh…guess what? [Colin and Jimmy laugh] Don’t be surprised if someone throws a pebble at your upstairs bedroom window and serenades you with this:
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Ray of Light” by Madonna]
“I got myself a Whitman’s Sampler chocolate It comes with a diagram that describes every one And it’s sealed in a heart-shaped box, and it’s sealed And it’s sealed in a stay-fresh box, and it’s sealed [Cheers and applause as the studio darkens while he holds the word “sealed.” A strobe light flashes on Jimmy as he stands up and starts jumping up and down.] Will you be my Valentine? Will you be my Valentine? Will you be my Valentine?” [end of song]
[cheers and applause as he sits back down and lights return to normal]
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody! Jimmy Fallon! [Jimmy waves to the audience] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Tom Brokaw …. Chris Parnell Bill Clinton …. Darrell Hammond Jamie Gangel …. Ana Gasteyer Linda Tripp …. John Goodman
[ Open on still of “NBC Special Report” ]
Male V/O: And now, an NBC Special Report with Tom Brokaw.
[ Fade to Tom Brokaw, in front of a title backdrop that reads “The President on Trial” ]
Tom Brokaw: On Friday, after months of impeachment turmoil, William Jefferson Clinton was acquitted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. Shortly after the Senate took the final votes on the articles of impeachment, President Clinton held a press conference in the White House rose garden. Let’s take a look at this historically moving address.
[ Fade to Clinton walking up to the podium. He gives thumbs-up as he declares … ]
Bill Clinton: I … am … bulletproof. [ walks off the podium, then walks back to say one more thing ] Next time, you best bring Kryptonite! [ gives thumbs-up and walks off ]
[ Fade back to Brokaw ]
Tom Brokaw: That was an obviously contrite Bill Clinton. So through this whole impeachment scandal, the one thing Democrats and the American people have agreed on is that Linda Tripp is a rat-fink. Therefore, she’s not one of … [ holds up his book for a plug ] … The Greatest Generation … which is number one on the New York Times bestseller list, for the second week in a row. [ puts down his book ] If you have NBC, CNBC, or MSNBC, you’ve probably seen this interview at least 60 times. Well, let’s take one more look at NBC’s own Jamie Gangel’s gripping interview with Linda Tripp.
[ Fade to NBC News Today segment ]
Jamie Gangel: Miss Tripp, no one … [ pauses to allow laughter to die down when the camera switches to a scowling John “Linda Tripp” Goodman ] … no one understands. No one. No one understands why you did what you did. You betrayed your friend by taping private phone conversations.
Linda Tripp: [ takes a deep breath ] … I don’t wanna talk about that. Not because I think it was a horrible, gutless, soulless thing to do, [ rolls eyes, quotes with fingers ] but apparently it’s “against the law” in the state of Maryland, and they want to prosecute me for it. [ eyes widen as she blinks ] Big time. [ scowls some more ]
Jamie Gangel: Do you feel bad about what you’ve done?
Linda Tripp: [ pause. she shrugs ] … What have I done?
Jamie Gangel: You went out of your way to betray a friend’s confidence, to end a relationship between two consenting adults, and in the process, caused an investigation that cost the American tax-payer tens of millions of dollars, all in the hopes of getting a book deal.
Linda Tripp: Well, if you put it that way … no. I did what I did because … I’m a patriot. As in, New England Patriot. I’m the new starting outside linebacker.
Jamie Gangel: What would you do if someone tried to tape your daughter’s conversations?
Linda Tripp: I would thank them.
Jamie Gangel: Really? Well, we taped your daughter on the phone, talking about you.
Linda Tripp: [ reacts in disgust ] … That’s so WRONG!
Jamie Gangel: Just kidding. [ Linda sighs of relief ] Linda, you are the most hated person in America.
Linda Tripp: I’m not sure that’s true.
Jamie Gangel: You have a 3% approval rating. Saddam Hussein has an 8. How does that make you feel, that 97% of America hates you?
Linda Tripp: [ giggles ] Feels like high school.
Jamie Gangel: You’ve been the butt of many jokes. What is your reaction to John Goodman’s impression of you on Saturday Night Live?
Linda Tripp: I think he’s a great actor … I can’t believe he didn’t get nominated for his part in The Big Lebowski … [ waits for the applause to die down ] … do yourself a favor — rent it.
Jamie Gangel: I will, but did you see King Ralph? It’s horrible!
Linda Tripp: [ gives a blank, icy stare ] … No need to bring that up. The guy’s gotta make some money!
Jamie Gangel: All of America is asking, why did you do it?
Linda Tripp:King Ralph?
Jamie Gangel: No! Tape Monica and try to bring down the president.
Linda Tripp: Oh, he was porking anything in skirts! But would he just come by and even say “Hello, Linda”? No, never. I didn’t want to sleep with him, although he does have sort of a … Patrick Duffy thing about him.
Jamie Gangel: You said, “America, I am you,” and they resoundingly said “No, you’re not.” How do you live with yourself?
Linda Tripp: Well … seven simple words: [ zoom in on her face ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”
(opens with outside of restaurant Franklin´s, cut toinside, a couple holding hands at a table)
Tracy: God, I feel so close to you.
Ted: You look beautiful tonight.
Flower man: How about a rose for the lovely lady?
Ted: Oh, well yes, thank you.(pays the man)
Flower man: Here you go.(gives her the flowers)Have awonderful evening.
Tracy: (giggles) Oh, thank you. Thank you,(smellsflowers)uuummmm, hey, honey did you get the ticketsfor Spain yet?
Ted: I got them yesterday. We leave on the 7th.
Tracy: I´m so excited!
Ted: God, I love you.
(Man in tuxedo approaches table)
Singing waiter: How was everything tonight?
Ted: Oh,umm it´s pretty good.
Singing waiter: Wonderful, wonderful. Am I right inassuming that you two are a young couple in love?
Ted: I guess you could say that we are.(holds handswith Tracy)
Singing waiter: Well, will you like to hear somemusic?
Ted: Please, that would be great.
Singing waiter: Great. Here´s some Ozzy Osbourne. (Heis joined by waiter with an electric guitar. Theystart playing Crazy Train) ALL ABOARD!! HA, HA, HA!AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE! CRAZY BUT THAT´SHOW IT GOES, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO AS THERE TOLD,MENTAL WOUNDS STOP HEALING, DRIVING ME INSANE, I´MGOING OFF THE RAILS OFF THIS CRAZY TRAIN!!!AAAAHHHH!!!!(almost trips on table)
Ted: That´s enough!
Tracy: Jeez!
Singing waiter: Feel free to hold hands.
Tracy: That was awful!
Singing waiter: May your love continue toblossom.(Makes signal to guitar waiter and leave)
Ted: I´m sorry about that.
Tracy: Yeah, you know maybe you should think about therestaurants that you choose!
Tracy: Oh, my goodness!! oh, oh, I´m Tracy Wilford!
Singing Waiter: And what´s your name!!
Ted: My name is Ted Gullerman.
Singing Waiter: Oh, yeah cause…(sinister voice) I AMIRON MAN!!(joined by guitar waiter, plays Iron Man)HASHE LOST HIS MIND, CAN HE SEE OR IS HE BLIND, CAN HEMOVE AT ALL, NOBODY KNOWS IF HE FALLS!! NOBODY LOVESHIM….(Almost falls over table)
Ted: Stop it!, stop it! Come on!
Tracy: Ridiculous!
Singing Waiter: Are you not enjoying yourOsbourne?(Ted scoffs)
Tracy: Well, its that all the songs are about losingyour mind and not being able to walk and see.
Singing Waiter: I know. It´s quite marvelous. Ma´ammay I ask you a question?
Tracy: Yeah, sure. What?
Singing Waiter: You think you´re gonna have children?
Ted: I beg your pardon! That is not of your business!
Tracy: Yeah, well actually we have considered it.
Singing Waiter: Ok, good. So someday you´re gonna be amother. And I think that´s beautiful.(acoustic guitar,plays “Mama I´m Coming Home”) Times have changed,times are strange, here I come but I ain´t the same,Mama I´m coming home. Time goes by, seems to me youcould´ve been a better friend to me…(couple soften,hold hands)Mama…
Ted: I love you sweetie.
Singing Waiter:(cut to Paranoid, electric guitar)FINISHED WITH MY WOMAN CAUSE SHE COULDN´T HELP ME WITHMY MIND…
(takes pigeon from pocket and rips its head off withteeth, goes crazy knocking over the table. Horatio inhis crazy outburst smacks Molly in the faceunintentionally, Molly laughs uncomfortably offcamera)
Ted: Get out of here!
Manager: Excuse me. I´m sorry, excuse me. I´m themanager here. Is there a problem?
Tracy: Unbelievable!
Ted: I say there is! These creeps keep playing OzzyOsbourne in our faces!
Manager: First off sir, Ozzy rules, ok? Second of all, whenyou stood up this bag of weed fell out of your pocket.(Throws it at Ted, catches it)
Ted: Hey, this isn´t…(Manager takes picture) What?!
Manager: Now you give us a thousand dollars or I´mcalling the police.
Ted: This is not mine! You just threw this to me andtook my picture!
Manager: I know that and you know that but the copswon´t know that when you go to jail.
Tracy: A winner wouldn´t let this happen, now! Comeon!
Ted: Honey!…here just take my credit card and leaveme alone!
Manager: Next time, you just enjoy the Ozzy and keepyour mouth shut!
(scene cuts to man in suit sitting in a brown leatherchair)
George Plimpton: Just enjoy the Ozzy and keep yourmouth shut. It´s amazing how much wisdom there is inthat simple sentence. Hi, I´m George Plimpton. Thenext time you find yourself in a difficult situationremember, “just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouthshut”. You´ll be surprised by how well it works.
[ Brendan comes out on stage and greets the applauding audience as the SNL band finishes playing ]
Brendan Fraser: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very very much! Oh, please! Thank you! Oh yeah … it is great — thank you! Oh, it’s great to be here in New York promoting my new movie — [ chuckles ] — I mean, hosting Saturday Night Live. But anyway, getting back to my new movie, Blast from the Past, it’s about a guy who spends his whole life in a fallout shelter. Now you know, not many people might know this, but Studio 8H, right here in Rockefeller Center, actually has an old fallout shelter. So I thought, you know, it might be fun, in a tricky way, to promote my new movie, if we went and took a look at it. So, come on!
[ He walks offstage, and the camera follows him to a nearby fallout shelter door. ]
Brendan Fraser: Now, this particular fallout shelter was built in 1958, at the height of the Cold War. It was in use until 1964, at which time it was … [ he hears rock music from inside the shelter ] My goodness, I … I think I hear somebody in there.
[ He twists the wheel, opens the door to the shelter and swats away the cobwebs as he walks inside. In the shelter, he finds a bearded figure with headphones on. ]
Bearded man: Whoa! Hey, man … [ turns off his stereo ] what’s up?
Brendan Fraser: I recognize you. You’re uh, you’re Tom Davis, from uh, Franken and Davis. You were uh, one of the original writers on the show!
[ They shake hands as the audience applauds ]
Tom Davis: Yeah. That’s right.
Brendan Fraser: Great to meet you, man. It’s amazing.
Tom Davis: Yeah, I know. I’ve been locked in this place since 1977.
Brendan Fraser: What happened?
Tom Davis: I dunno! I walked in here to get high, and suddenly the door was locked behind me. Hey, I have to ask, um, how did Roots end?
Brendan Fraser: Uh, the slaves were freed.
Tom Davis: Ohhh. Good.
Brendan Fraser: But Tom, what have you been doing in here all this time?
Tom Davis: Well, gettin’ high, and uh, I do my own version of Saturday Night Live with rats. [ points to a miniature stage full of rats wearing bee costumes ]
Brendan Fraser: Oh, my god.
Tom Davis: Yeah, I call it Raturday Night Live, and uh, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to train rats to do sketch comedy.
Brendan Fraser: Tom, this is amazing. Say, tell me, who hosts the show? Other rats?
Tom Davis: Normally, yes, uh, this week, though, it was Jon Lovitz.
Brendan Fraser: Oh. Well Tom, this just blows my mind. You know, this is really incredible, man!
Tom Davis: It is.
[ Enter Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Brendan, what are you doing in here?
Brendan Fraser: Oh, hey, look, Lorne, Tom Davis has been locked in here for 24 years.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, I know. I’m the one who locked him in here.
Brendan Fraser: What? Hmmm …
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Tom screwed me on an old pot deal. [ Tom shrugs, looks away. Lorne glances at the rat stage ] I see you’ve got a Mary Catherine Gallagher rat, huh?
Tom Davis: Oh yeah, well, we can listen to the show through the vent.
[ The Mary Catherine Gallagher rat breaks the miniature chalkboard. ]
Lorne Michaels: That rat is very, very talented. [ Dollar signs appear above his head as dreamy music plays. He envisions a marquee reading “RAT: THE MOVIE” and its rat-star getting photographed on the red carpet. ]
Brendan Fraser: Hey, uh, Lorne, snap out of it, man.
Lorne Michaels: Uh — Brendan, why don’t you go introduce the band, okay?
Brendan Fraser: Yeah, got it. [ he exits ]
Tom Davis: Lorne, you gotta believe me. I had no idea it was oregano.
Lorne Michaels: Right. You messed with the wrong man, Tom. [ exits the shelter ]
Tom Davis: Lorne, I bought it from Garrett! You gotta believe me! [ he quickly realizes that Lorne “accidentally” left the shelter door open, and makes a break for it ]
[ Cut to Home Base ]
Brendan Fraser: Hey, we’ve got a great show! Busta Rhymes is here with the Roots! Raise the roof! So you stick around, because we will be right back!
Brendan Fraser: Thanks to Busta Rhymes and The Roots! John Goodman! George Plimpton! Tom Davis! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! SNL! I love you, Afton! Good luck, Ian McKellen, Lynn Redgrave, and Bill Condon for “Gods and Monsters!” Good night!
Zeke…..Brendan Fraser Ramone…..Tracy Morgan Carrie Donovan…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Open on Zeke and Ramone in a dimly-lit hotel hallway ]
Zeke: I’m nervous, Ramone.
Ramone: Look, look, don’t worry, man, the first time is always the hardest, man! An hour from now, you gon’ be a pro!
Zeke: I dunno if I can go through with this …
Ramone: Hey! You wanna get the $80, right? [ Zeke nods ] Well, you get in there and sex it up! You a stud, right? Say it!
Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud.
Ramone: All right, you a stud. I’ll be waitin’ for you in the van with Chico. [ leaves ]
Zeke: [ muttering ] I’m a stud. I’m a stud. [ knocks on a hotel room door ]
Carrie: Who is it?
Zeke: [ weakly ] Uhh, it’s Zeke from Urban Escorts!
[ Carrie, a fashionista dowager, lets him in ]
Carrie: [ loopy voice ] Come in, Zeke! You’re fantastic! Let me take your coat! [ does so ] I’m such a fan of these wool pea coats! They’re the zenith of masculinity, yet they’re still wildly stylish!
Zeke: Uh, excuse me, aren’t you that lady from the Old Navy commercials?
Carrie: [ holding a cigarette ] Yes, darling, I’m famous. Does that turn you on? [ lights her cigarette ]
Zeke: Yes, ma’am.
Carrie: For God’s sake, call me Carrie. Take your shirt off for me, Zeke! [ he hesitantly unbuttons his shirt ] HURRY UP! I’m not playing around here! I like it FAST, and I like it WEIRD!
Zeke: [ now stripped down to a t-shirt ] Sorry, sorry …
Carrie: Your chest is fabulous!
Zeke: Thank you.
Carrie: [ as she walks him over to the bed ] A man’s nipples are part of his personal style. [ she pinches them one by one ]
Zeke: AAH! OOH!
Carrie: [ sits him down on the bed ] You don’t mind if Magic joins us, do you? [ a dog enters the bedroom ]
Zeke: I don’t think that this was part of the deal …
Carrie: I say what the deal is, Zeke! Get it?
Zeke: Yes, ma’am.
Carrie: It’s all about power, Zeke. Look at me — I’m almost 70! A young buck like you would never want me. Who knows if you even like girls? But thanks to the American public’s insatiable appetite for inexpensive cargo pants, I will have sex with you tonight.
Zeke: [ still nervous ] Okay. I’m ready. [ dims the lights ]
Carrie: Leave them on, please. Magic likes to watch.
[ he turns them back on ]
Carrie: [ holding a bottle of liquor ] You’re a fabulous looking boy, Zeke. I’m mad about your torso!
Zeke: Thank you.
Carrie: [ takes a swig from the bottle ] It’s time for a fashion show. Check out my performance fleece. [ she flashes him, and he lets out a scream ]Zeke: I’m sorry, I, I, I can’t do this, okay, I’ll just, I, I’ll get you your money back. Please, just don’t make me —
Carrie: [ now angry ] Don’t freak out! [ takes more swigs of rum ]
Zeke: [ gets down on his knees and begs ] Please, don’t call the service! I just — see, I lost my job and I need the money, and I just, I didn’t think it through, oh God — [ she slaps him in the face ] OW!
Carrie: Chill out, Zeke!
Zeke: [ in tears ] My name is Jason.
Carrie: [ shakes him by the neck ] I DON’T WANNA KNOW YOUR REAL NAME!! YOU’RE JUST A PIECE OF ASS TO ME!! [ her glasses fall off ]
Jason: [ in tears ] What am I doing? Oh God, what am I doing?
Carrie: [ slaps him again puts her glasses back on ] Be cool!
Jason: [ in tears ] Don’t hurt me, please, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me —
Carrie: Oh, shut up!
[ she breaks the bottle over his back and knocks him over ]
Carrie: [ back to her loopy voice ] Oh God, Magic, it’s happened again. We’ve gotta get out of here.
[ she exits with the dog, as Jason writhes in pain. Fade to black ]
Lucy…..Ana Gasteyer Charlie Brown…..Brendan Fraser Linus…..Chris Kattan Franklin…..Tim Meadows
[ open on cartoon image of Snoopy coaching Woodstock and other birds in a football locker room ]
Announcer: We now return to “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.”
[ dissolve to recognizable Peanuts scenery – brick wall in front of trees and other shrubbery. Lucy stands in front tossing a football up and down in her hands. ]
Lucy: Hey there, Charlie Brown! I’ve got an idea! [ Charlie Brown enters ] I’ll hold this football, and you come running up and kick it!
Charlie Brown: Ohh, no! Not this time! When I come running up, you’ll pull the ball away, and I’ll CLOBBER myself!
Lucy: Charlie Brown! Do you really think I’d do something like THAT, with the big game only WEEKS away!
Charlie Brown: Hmm.. hey. You’re right. Not even you would sink that low. This time, I’m gonna kick that ball to the MOON!! [ he takes a few steps back, as Lucy props the football in place ] Ready? Herrrrrrre.. I.. commmmmmmmmme!!!!!
[ Charlie Brown runs toward the football, as Lucy pulls it away and he goes flying offscreen stage left with a prolonged scream and a crash ]
Lucy: Ha ha ha ha ha!! Oh, Charlie Brown, you blockhead! You ALWAYS fall for that one!
[ Charlie Brown lets out a blood-curdling scream ]
Charlie Brown: God!! I’m HURT!! I’m hurt really BA-AD!!!
Lucy: [ pouting ] Good grief! what’s the big deal?! [ steps over to Charlie Brown, who is lying flat on the grass ]
Charlie Brown: [ gasping for breath ] I can’t — I can’t — [ touches the side of his head and glimpses the blood on his hands ] I — can’t — ohhhhhhh-ohhhhhhh!!!!
Lucy: There you go, you old failure — [ Charlie Brown turns his head, revealing a patch of blood where his head has busted open ] AAGGHHHHHH!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!! OH, GOD!!! OH, GOD, OH SWEET GOD!!! HOLD ON!!!
Charlie Brown: [ struggling ] Ohh.. ohh.. got to get up.. for the big game..
Lucy: [ crying ] No, just lie down! Okay?! Just lie down and keep very still!! Okay?! [ lays Charlie Brown back on the grass] HELP!!!! HELP!! Somebody, please get a freakin’ ambulance!!
[ Linus and Franklin step forward ]
Linus: What’s going on down here, Lucy? We heard all the commotion, and — [ notices the massive blood dripping from Charlie Brown’s head ] OH, MY GOD!!!!
[ Franklin holds his stomach, then promptly pukes his guts out ]
Linus: LUCY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?!!!
Lucy: I — I — I just — I just pulled the football away!!
Franklin: Yeah! And you split his head open like a melon!! [ glances down ] Oh, my God! His BRAIN!! That’s his BRAIN, man!!
Charlie Brown: [ struggling to stand up ] Got to.. feed my dog.. He’s a.. World War I.. fighter pilot —
Franklin: He’s going into shock!! Linus, give him your blanket!!
Linus: But it’s my security blanket.
Franklin: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Linus: OKAY, TAKE IT!!!
[ Linus throws his security blanket down to Charlie Brown, which Lucy struggles to wrap around him ]
Linus: LUCY, HELP HIM, FOR GOD’S SAKE!! YOU’RE A DOCTOR!!
Lucy: I’m not a DOCTOR!!
Franklin: What do you MEAN you’re not a doctor?!! You’re always sitting in that cardboard booth that says “Doctor In, Five Cents!!”
Lucy: That was just a SCAM to make NICKELS!!
Franklin: You TWISTED, SICK, SADISTIC FUSSBUDGET!!
Charlie Brown: [ looking around ] Linus..? Linus..? Are you there..?
Linus: [ kneels down ] Yeah! Hi! It’s me, buddy!
Charlie Brown: You’ve gotta take care of my dog.. his best friend is a bird, named after a rock festival..!
Linus: Sure, I will, buddy! Sure, I will! [ glances up ] Lights, please? [ the house lights go dim ] “And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and said ‘The dead shall hear the voice of the son of God..'”
[ sirens blare, as an offscreenambulance pulls up ]
Lucy: Oh, thank God! The paramedics are here! Please help! My friend is very badly injured!!
[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
Lucy: Yes! That’s right! He’s lost a LOT of blood!
[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
Lucy: I don’t KNOW if he has any ALLERGIES!!!
[ sound effect: wah wah wah wah ]
[ piano theme rises ]
Announcer: We’ll return for the conclusion of “You’re A Champion, Charlie Brown.” Some scenes may not be suitable for younger children.
Air Date:
