Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Sportscenter

Stuart Scott…..Tim Meadows
Chet Harper…..Ray Romano
Director…..Jimmy Fallon

Stuart Scott: Welcome to Sports Center I’m Stuart Scott. And besides me is newcomer to the program, Chet Harper.

Chet Harper: Hey, hey how are you doing Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Chet’s more excited than Dennis Rodman at a Clinique sale…BOOYAH! Got ya partner! Well, the Lakers and the Sonics, at the forum, two of the favorites in ’99.. so, who’s it going to be in Y2K? Well, Shaq weighed in with his opinion – Boo-yah! Boo-yah! Boo-yah! That’s right! Shaq-Daddy with 37 points – he sends an invitation to the Finals party, and it says “B.Y.O.B.”: “Bring Your Own Boo-yah!” The Lakers destroy the Sonics, 114-82. Chet?

Chet Harper: Thank you, Stuart! Latest talk is that David Robinson is over the hill. But in my book, you gotta get to Whitecastle before the weirdos show up! Tonight at the Alamodome, he gets Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown as the Spurs beat the Heat, 86-79! Stuart!

Stuart Scott: The New Jersey Nets may be the team of the future, but tonight, against the Knicks, they were the team of.. right about.. now! The Funk Soul brother – Boo-yah! Jayson Williams with 22 rebounds, as the Nets win! Chet!

Chet Harper: Yeah! In action late last night, Sonics vs. Utah, John Stockton says, “Hey, look at me – I’m a little teapot, I’ll run right up your dress!” But then, Olden Polynice says, “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!” But then Karl Malone says, “Sweet Sassy Molassey! You are gonna pay a lot! And the cost is gonna be prohibitive!” Jazz wins, 99-93! Stu-pot!

Stuart Scott: [ to Chet ] “Sweet Sassy Molassey”?

Chet Harper: Yeah. You like it? Don’t steal it! [ to the camera ] Okay! Penguins need a win against the Bruins to get to the 500 mark. Yes, they do! But Penguin goalie Peter Skudra says, “Hey! Try not to shoot that puck up my pooper!” Yeah! But check out this guy – he says, “I’ll shoot the puck anywhere I want. And if that happens to be in your pooper, so be it!” Stu-mongi!“

Stuart Scott: [ stunned ] We’ll be right back! [ music fades commercial as Stuart looks over at Chet ] Hey, man, what are you doing there?

Chet Harper: [ confused ] What?

Stuart Scott: What was all that stuff about a puck up a guy’s pooper?

Chet Harper: I’m just riffin’, man. That’s all.

Stuart Scott: Just riffin’, huh? Come on, man, this is the Big Leagues, alright? This is Sportscenter. You can’t do that stuff. Alright?

Chet Harper: [ not understanding ] You say “Boo-yah.”

Stuart Scott: Yeah, I do. You just calm it down, alright? Just stick to sports.

Chet Harper: [ understanding ] Alright, I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Sweet Sassy Molassey, you’re right.

Stuart Scott: Yeah, we’ll talk about that one later. [ the music picks up, as the show returns from commercial ] Welcome back! Let’s go to the world of Women’s Tennis, where Anna Kournikova was taking the court against the..

Chet Harper: [ interrupting ] Oh.. she’s hot.. Oh.. I don’t know about you, but my peenie just went: Broomp!

Stuart Scott: [ shocked and appalled ] Alright.. alright, uh.. let’s just skip that one.. Let’s try hockey! The Phoenix Coyotes are having their best year in history, and it’s all due to the play of one Jeremy Roenick! Roenick shoots! He scores..!

Chet Harper: [ finishing ] ..and he celebrates! Like a slave who made it to the North! [singing] Old Man River!

Stuart Scott: You’d better watch what you’re saying, man, alright?..

Chet Harper: [ riffing, holds his hand up for a high-five ] You’d better watch what you’re saying!

Stuart Scott: [ to the camera ] Alright, we’ll be right back. [ show goes to commercial, Stuart turns to Chet ] Alright, look, that’s it. Listen, you’re done, just get out of here, I’ll do the rest of this myself.

Chet Harper: [ confused ] What? Sweet Sassy Molassey, I’m doing my best here.

Stuart Scott: [ mimicking ] Sweet Sassy Molassey.. [ angry ] Get him out of here before he says that again!

[ stagehand grabs Chet ]

Chet Harper: Alright, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go! But let me just say one thing: I’ve always wanted to be a sportcaster. Your clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me. Like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest. But I want you to listen here! I’m not giving up! Alright? I’ll be back. If it takes me two-hundred years, I’ll be back! Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection, I will be back!

Stuart Scott: No, you won’t.

Chet Harper: [ defeated ] Yeah, you’re probably right!

[ Stagehand drags Chet out as Stuart completes Sportscenter solo for the evening ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.

In a Newsweek interview, former adviser to the President George Stephanopoulos said that Clinton isn’t fit to be elected, and has “tarnished his Presidency and all of us associated with it.” As the saying goes: George, you’re a day late and very short.

Former Tennessee Governor Lamar Alexander announced this week his second bid for the Republican nomination for President. In a related story, Susan Lucci was nominated for another Emmythis week.

During his trip to Central America this week, President Clinton received a standing ovation from the Salvadoran Left as he spoke to their National Assembly. In his speech he said he hoped that El Salvador would see the U.S. in a “new way, as a partner, a friend, a colleague.” Then he took El Salvador’s hand and placed it on his genitals.

After “Dateline NBC” aired the interview with Jane Doe No. 5, Juanita Broaddrick, President Clinton was asked if he was a rapist. The President told reporters, “It depends what your definition of ‘ist’ is.”

Pope John Paul and Iranian President Mohammed Khatami met at the Vatican this week. Khatami called the meeting “great and pleasant”, and said he “Wouldn’t trade it for all the anthrax in the world.”

Tom Brokaw, appearing on the “Today” show this week, upset viewers and homeless advocates when he said that he envied the extra sleep homeless people get. Brokaw later apologized for the insensitive comment saying he was just bitter because they get all the good shopping carts.

The Senate is holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, make them think they are going to get a bunch of money but, in reality, they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”

Colin Quinn: And now, here to discuss Women’s History Month, is our own Cheri Oteri.

Cheri Oteri: Thanks, Col. I’d like to talk about Women’s History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women’s history made over the last century. Okay, Colin? Now, over by you – that’s going to represent the caveman times [ positions Fantasy Barbie by Colin ], and down here is Total Gender Equality [ positions Fantasy Barbie by her ]. Got me?

Now, in the beginning of the century, things are going well: Susan B. Anthony, Madam Curie, and then.. uh-oh! Amelia Earhart’s going to be the first woman to fly around the world, Col. But, guess what? She gets lost and dies, uh-oh!

Colin Quinn: Maybe that’s why women always want to ask for directions.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Dont. [ pause ] Alright, now we’re at the 30’s and 40’s: Elenour Roosevelt, Rosie the Riveter.. but then, uh-oh! Here comes Marilyn Monroe, dress flying up around her kooch! And she’s sleeping with the President. So, basically, Marilyn’s saying that in order for women to be sexy, they have to be so confused, they’re almost retarded.

Now, the 60’s: The National Organization for Women is founded, doctors invent the birth control pill, and Twiggy invents anorexia – uh-oh! Now women are free to have sex, but they don’t enjoy it because they think their ass is too fat. Oh, that hits home!

Now, the 70’s and 80’s can be summed up in two words, Col: Jane Fonda. Oh, she made “Barbarella” – that no good! Hey, she’s a political activist, though – that’s better. Uh-oh, she got breast implants – uh-oh! Now she has breasts made out of this stuff – feel it, Col. [ holds Fantast Barbie in front of Colin ]

Colin Quinn: [ declining ] I know what that feels like.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Alright, now it’s 1990, and the best author in the world is a woman. Uh-oh! But it’s Danielle Steel. You know it’s a good book, Colin, when the cover is hot pink.

Okay – 1991: Pamela Lee shows up and makes Marilyn Monroe look like Steven Hawking in a dress.

Hey – 1995: Shannon Faulkner is the first woman admitted into the Citadel. Uh-oh! She quits the first week! “I’m going home, this hard!”

1997: Guess what, ladies? Viagra works for men, but not for women. Keep on faking it, Barbie! Okay, which brings us up to today and Monica Lewinsky. Uh-oh! [ thrusts Fantasy Barbie into Colin’s crotch ] And that’s where we’re at, Colin. Now – why don’t you call me anymore?

Colin Quinn: [ confused ] What?

Cheri Oteri: You heard me, Colin. Why don’t you call me anymore?

Colin Quinn: [ fumbling ] Well.. I was gonna call you.

Cheri Oteri: [ mimicking ] “I was gonna call you.” So just call me, Colin.

Colin Quinn: Cheri Oteri, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 20th, 1999

Drew Barrymore

Garbage

None

Edward Norton
Academy Awards Pre-ShowSummary: Joan Rivers (Ana Gasteyer) morphs into a demon while bothering celebrities during the Academy Awards Pre-Show.

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, John Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Melissa Rivers.

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: Drew Barrymore sings about her wild Hollywood lifestyle over the years.

Also Hosted: 82g, 01c, 03l.

Transcript

Jeopardy!Summary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore) and Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Calista Flockhart.

Transcript

Banana RepublicSummary: Sweater folders (Drew Barrymore, Chris Kattan) at the Banana Republic panic when a customer (Horatio Sanz) won’t tell them how he’s doing.

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Toni Tennille (Drew Barrymore) and Daryl “The Captain” Dragon (Edward Norton) meekly brag of their musical success.

Recurring Characters: Toni Tennille.

Transcript

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Melanie Griffith (Drew Barrymore) tries to get sexy with her self-interested husband, Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan).

Note: For the live show, Chris Kattan pasted fake pubic hair to his legs without Lorne Michaels’ knowledge.

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez.

Transcript

Fun With Real Audio

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) wants Hillary to run for Senate so he can score a little alone time. Chris Kattan interprets Cher’s new song, “Believe.”

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Garbage performs “Special”Transcript

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: A Rick Allen imposter (Chris Parnell) pretends to have only one arm.

Terrence Maddox & LucyRecurring Characters: Terrence Maddox.

Garbage performs “When I Grow Up”

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Fred Schneider (Will Ferrell) admits he makes up song titles by matching odd words together.

Recurring Characters: Fred Schneider.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarist…..Darrell Hammond
Melanie Griffith…..Drew Barrymore

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes. Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: [music stops momentarily] Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: THANK YOU, MY FRIEND! [laughs]

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: No. Thank you for your continued commitment to the thing called “the sexy.”

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, MY FRIEND! YOU ARE SO THE SEXY, YES!

Antonio: [laughs]…No crap.

Now, I would like to get [soft music resumes] serioso for a lot of moments….My gruest tonight is Melanie Griffith. She is a very married to me. In her, I put my thing and make a little me. [cheers]…Pleases welcome my wife, the Melano, the Griffith.

[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Melanie comes in. Antonio kisses her hand. She then leans in for a kiss. The music stops.]

Please, no kissy the face. Not now. For your lips are like two Mexican slugs covered with the mentholatum….But please, make the seat.

[The band plays two notes. Antonio and Melanie sit down as she is brimming with excitement.]

Melanie Griffith: Thanks, sweetie! I love you!

Antonio: [laughs] Yes, you do. Now, question: I am much more the sexy than your former love interest, the “Miami Vice” guy, no?

Melanie: [laughs] Please! You’re way sexier than Don Johnson!

Antonio: And all of a sudden, I don’t mind the lips so much. For now, they are like two sweet Twizzlers coated with penis butter.

Melanie: Mmmm!

Antonio: I mean peanut butter….No I don’t.

Melanie: Mmmm! Mmm…Bambino! You don’t have anything to prove! You’re a very sexy man!

[Antonio and Guadalupe agree]

Antonio: It is getting hot in here, no? Well, I think I’ll just… [stands up; Melanie rises in anticipation]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S TOO SEXY, MY FRIEND! TOO SEXY! DON’T DO IT!…NO, PLEASE!

Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the top button on his shirt]…[we see Melanie, hot and bothered, spreading her top to show her cleavage] OKAY! [music becomes faster] Maybe I should [grabs his zipper] let my little finger come out to make a play for a while? No, I will not do that. [music stops as Melanie is breathing with more anticipation]

Melanie: [aroused] You’re so hot! You want to play [pointing to her cleavage] bunny in the sailor?

Antonio: No talky. Please. I do not like the voice. It is like a slow, painful leak from a little Spanish tire. [Melanie takes her hands away from her chest] So, shh! No words. [Melanie leans in to kiss him] Shh! [whispers] ¡Silencio! Shh! Like that St– Like that door on “Star Trek.” Ch!

Melanie: Bring it on, honey! [leans in to kiss him]

Antonio: And once [turns Melanie’s head away] again, the lips frighten me.

Melanie: I know you’re not crazy about my collagen lips, but…Don never seemed to mind.

Antonio: Don? [band becomes scared] What?! NO! NEVER AGAIN! [Melanie gets aroused again] NEVER [Melanie shows her cleavage again] BRING UP THE MIAMI MAN WITH THE JOHNSON WHO SHOOTS THE COKE DUDES WITH THE BLACK MAN WITH-A NO SOCKS!

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh! Yeah! Yes!…You’re so sexy when you’re angry!

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] YES, YES, HE TRULY IS THE SEXY, YES! [laughs]

Antonio: [laughs] Yes. And the lips are fine twice again. Even the voice, not so painful. So, I think I’ll just… [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] OH PLEASE, MY FRIEND, ¡NO MÁS! ¡NO MÁS! IT’S TOO SEXY! ¡POR FAVOR! TOO SEXY!

Antonio: But I must! [band starts playing fast music as he unbuttons his shirt] All right! [starts unbuckling his belt] I WILL SHOW YOU THE REASON THAT ADAM AND EVE [Melanie shows her cleavage as he tries to unbutton his pants] GOT KICKED OUT OF THE FARM…

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh!

Antonio: …OF THE EAGLE! IF I CAN GET MY PANTS DOWN! [cheers]…I WILL DIVIDE MY WIFE WITH A FIRM SNAKE, [pulls his pants down] WHO WILL EAT THE APPLE! [louder cheers as we see him wearing black underwear with Zs on it; we also see that his pubic area is unshaved] AND WEEP! [begins to tie his shirt in a knot] AND DOES THE DANCE! AND…

[The music stops as Antonio stops and realizes that he’s not “up.” Melanie, still showing her cleavage for Antonio, wonders why nothing is happening. Antonio motions for more time, then cheers come from the audience as he looks down at his crotch and wonders why he’s not “up.”]

Ooo! [looks down at his crotch again] Ooo!

[After waiting some more, Antonio finally realizes that he’s not going to get an erection.]

And now I’m done.

[The band resumes soft music as Antonio sits back down.]

Melanie: [in sad disappointment] Oh, Antonio! Again? [Antonio pulls his pants up]…I’m gonna go see if my breasts need any work! [leaves]

Antonio: She will be back. For I have the ring on the finger that says I can make the sex, anytime. Anywhere! Even if she says no. For I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] active! I mean, actor. Why I make so many mistakes? What? Well! We will see you next time on The [music stops momentarily]…how do you say? Ah yes….Show!

[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

A Message from the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Vice President Al Gore…..Will Ferrell
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
White House Aide…..Chris Parnell
Betty Currie…..Tracy Morgan

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. As our distinguished Senate expeditiously winds down its constitutional duty, there has been talk among some Senators – Republican ones – of a need for an additional measure that would assert that I had committed crimes, despite my acquittal. The feeling is that without this measure, I will dismiss this entire impeachment as a meaningless partisan affair. Much the way you have.

(Laughs and does thumbs up)

There is also a concern that I and all my White House colleagues will gloat. And let me say now, and let me assure you and our distinguished senators, that as I successfully finish my term in office and complete one of the most prosperous periods in our history, I will not gloat. Let me assure you that my vindicated friend, Vernon Jordan, will not gloat. (Enter Vernon Jordan) Let me also assure you that my wife, Hillary, the next Senator from New York State, will also not gloat. (Enter Hillary Clinton) Neither will my Vice President, Al Gore, who waits quietly to decimate George Bush’s little son. (Enter Al Gore) Al Gore will not gloat. And finally, rest assured that Monica Lewinsky, my once and future girlfriend will also not gloat. (Enter Monica Lewinsky)

Because, why should we? Why should I gloat? I’ve been impeached! By the House of Representatives. (Chuckling amongst those behind him) Think about it. That’s a whole, big old House, filled with all kinds of important representatives. Like Henry Hyde. (Holds up picture of a horse’s rear end) Who was so eloquent when he… oh! I’m sorry! That wasn’t gloating! That was an honest mistake! Anyway.. (holds up picture of Henry Hyde) ..here’s to Henry Hyde!

(All take out mugs or bottles of beer)

All: To Henry Hyde!

President Bill Clinton: As you can see, we’re not drinking champagne. That would be gloating. We’re just drinking beer. And it’s not even good beer! It’s Pabst’s Blue Ribbon. It’s a beer for serious reflection and soul-searching. To serious reflection!

All: To serious reflection!

Al Gore: Al Gore in 2000!

President Bill Clinton: Monica, easy! (She is dripping beer all down her shirt because she is drinking so fast. Clinton smirks at the audience.)

White House Aide: Mr. President, the gentlemen are here. (Some men come in and hang streamers across the window behind Clinton)

President Bill Clinton: Ok, where were we? Oh, yeah. These party decorations are for a party of regret and shame, because I will not gloat. And right now, I’ve invited my dear secretary, Betty Currie, to express her feelings in dance form. Betty?

(Betty Currie enters and sets a boom box on the desk. She dances around in front of the desk to “Chain of Fools”)

President Bill Clinton: Betty has obviously been through a lot. This is not a gloating dance. It’s a serious dance of soul-searching and contrition. (Said as she shakes her butt at the audience) Senators, as you consider this motion to censure, or find me guilty without removal, let me say this: do whatever the hell you want. I don’t give a sweet rat’s ass. I’m staying. “Live, from New York, it’s Gloating Time!

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

E! Impeachment Coverage

Todd Newton…..Jimmy Fallon
Melissa Rivers…..Cheri Oteri
Chief Justice William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell
Sen. Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Sharon Stone……Gwyneth Paltrow
Sharon Stone’s husband…..Colin Quinn
Rep. Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell
Andy Dick…..Chris Kattan
Betty Currie…..Tim Meadows

Todd Newton: Here we are at one of the sexiest, hottest events in the country: the impeachment trial of William Jefferson Clinton. I’m Todd Newton.

Melissa Rivers: And I’m Melissa Rivers.

Todd Newton: This has been so cool, Melissa! We’ve been camped out here since … since 4 o’clock this morning to talk to all the stars of the trial as they make their way down the red carpet.

Melissa Rivers: And, Todd, I’ve been pretty cold out here in just my Pamela Dennis gown and this Harry Winston choker; borrowed, of course!

Todd Newton: (laughs) Awesome! Wow! Here comes Chief Justice William Rehnquist! Bill, over here!

Melissa Rivers: Oh, come talk to E! E!

(Enter Chief Justice Rehnquist)

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Good morning!

Todd Newton: Bill is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He’s presiding over the impeachment trial.

Melissa Rivers: Yes, but you might also know him from Abortion! Right? Now, Bill, you look amazing! Who are you wearing?

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Actually, I designed this myself. I copied it from a “Gilbert and Sullivan” operetta I saw.

Melissa Rivers: Ooh! Ok, turn around! Can you see this?

(Rehnquist spins around to show off his robe)

Todd Newton: Awesome!

Melissa Rivers: Look at that! Yes, now, do you like dressing up for these events?

Chief Justice Rehnquist: I do. I think that people expect a little glamour and I’m happy to provide that…

Melissa Rivers: Oh my God! There’s Trent Lott! (Shoves Rehnquist out of the way. Exit Rehnquist)

Todd Newton: Trent! Over here! Talk to E!

Sen. Trent Lott: Hello, everyone! How’s it goin’?

Todd Newton: Wow! Trent Lott! I mean, that is just, that is just awesome! I’ve got to say, you are even more awesome in person than you are on C-SPAN.

Sen. Trent Lott: Well…

Todd Newton: I love you. I think you’re da bomb.

Sen. Trent Lott: Well, thank you, young man. Thank you kindly.

Melissa Rivers: Ok, Trent. You are the Governor of Missouri?

Sen. Trent Lott: No, the Senator form Mississippi.

Melissa Rivers: Ok. And you are a Republican. Now, uh, who do you think is going to win today?

Sen. Trent Lott: Well, it’s not about winning. I’m just happy to be impeaching the President.

Melissa Rivers: Hmm.

Todd Newton: Man, you are such a gentleman. Such a class act. Really, I love you.

Sen. Trent Lott: Thank you.

Todd Newton: I’m in love with you. I want to make love on you!

Sen. Trent Lott: No! Thank you. (Exits)

Todd Newton: Ma, I am like totally star-struck right now. I mean, Trent Lott! Awesome, I just met him!

Melissa Rivers: Ok, I did not like his hair. Oh, Sharon Stone! Talk to E!

Todd Newton: Sharon! Over here!

(Enter Sharon Stone and husband)

Melissa Rivers: Oh, Sharon! (gasps) Who are you wearing?

Sharon Stone: This was made for me by my good friend Vera Wang. Don’t you love it?

Melissa Rivers: I love you, Sharon! Now, are you testifying today or are you presenting?

Sharon Stone: I’m just here to promote my new movie, “Gloria.” (claps) And I am not going home until I meet Charles Rough, because I think that people in wheelchairs are the real heroes.

Melissa Rivers: Ok, great. Now, Sharon, is this your husband?

Sharon Stone: Yes, isn’t he creepy?

Todd Newton: Here comes Bob Barr!

Melissa Rivers: Bob! Talk to E!

Rep. Bob Barr: Hey Sharon.

Todd Newton: Now, Bob Barr. The Senate has set a deadline of February 12th to end this trial, but we here at E! just have to ask you…

Melissa Rivers: What did you think of “Patch Adams?”

Rep. Bob Barr: Well, I loved it. It’s a modern parable. And with Robin Williams, you always get something new and different. That guy is great.

Melissa Rivers: Hmm. Now, who are you wearing?

Rep. Bob Barr: Well, the suit is Today’s Man, and the shirt is a short-sleeved button-down. I don’t know if you can see this. It’s by Structure, and it’s a medium.

Melissa Rivers: Hmm. It’s a medium.

(Barr exits)

Todd Newton: Uh, Sharon. You can go inside now, if you want.

Sharon Stone: Actually, Todd, I prefer to stay on camera.

Todd Newton: Oh, ok. Here comes the couple of the hour. Look, it’s Betty Currie and Andy Dick!

Melissa Rivers: Betty! Come talk to E!

(Enter Betty Currie and Andy Dick)

Betty Currie: What’s up, freaks? Are you ready to party?

Andy Dick: Oh my God! Todd Newton! I would totally make out with you if we were both girls. (gasps) What did I say?

Melissa Rivers: Alright. You and Betty seem so in love.

Todd Newton: You guys look awesome together! Hey, do I see wedding bells.

Melissa Rivers: Oh! I just got married! Look at my ring!

Andy Dick: (gasps) Oh my God! Betty! I’d buy a ring like that for Betty if I weren’t so kooked up and gay! (gasps) What? Why am I talking?

Melissa Rivers: Ok! Don’t go away, anybody! E! will be right back!

Todd Newton: We’re live at the impeachment of the President with Bob Barr, Sharon Stone, Betty Currie, Andy Dick, Joan Rivers’ daughter and … hey, I think this might be the apocalypse. This is exactly what St. John predicted. Yup, here comes the wall of flame.

Melissa Rivers: Mom! Mom!

(Everyone runs away and the picture becomes blurry and red. The camera falls to the floor and Sharon Stone screams in it.)

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Goodnights

…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow: I’d like to thank everybody! I’d like to thank the Barenaked Ladies.. Ben Affleck.. and everybody! I had a great time! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Behind The Music: Joan Jett

Joan Jett…..Gwyneth Paltrow

[Joan Jett is in a bar, facing a jukebox, then turns and faces the camera. “I Love Rock & Roll” plays in the background.]

Joan Jett: One time I was at this bar, you know, and there was this jukebox. And, um, my boyfriend said, “I love rock and roll. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby.” And uh I was like, “Okay.” So I put a dime in the jukebox. But uh, it didn’t work. Because jukeboxes take quarters. (laughs) Anyway, we went back to my boyfriend’s place, and he said, “Eat this bag of circus peanuts while I watch!” [laughter] He got a kick out of stuff like that. (shrugs) One time, he uh, this is a funny story – one time he had me take my shirt off and eat a can of dog food in front of his parents. They pretended to be horrified. We just laughed, and then got high with ’em. Those were heady days. (nods) Heady indeed.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Mary Katherine Gallagher

China…..Cheri Oteri
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicki…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Sister Harriet…..Paula Pell
Priest…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to interior, girl’srestroom, where girl gang The Black Angels enter ]

China: Oh, my God! I can’t believe we stole the community wine!

Ana: We would’ve gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn’t fallen out of your bra.

Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I’m just getting a good buzz going!

China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]

Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!

Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] “Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice.Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie.”

Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they’re tough enough to be a Black Angel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary KatherineGallagher!

Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?

Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in ourvicious gang!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw “The Patty Hearst Story” on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl.”

Nicki: You want to be one of us?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Ana: You’re about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!

[ Black Angels laugh ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!

Ana: That’s pretty good..

China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..

Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!

Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!

[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]

China: I’ll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ]

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]

Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I’ve done it before.

Ana: Freak-y..

China: [ alarmed ] Hey, guys! Sister Harriet’s coming!

Nicki: Next sin is: you’ve got to insult a nun!

[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]

Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don’t forget – Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ]

[ Black Angels reappear ]

Ana: I can’t believe you did that..

China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!

Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So,here’s the deal: China’s gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?

Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I’m an asthmatic, so if you’regonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?

Nicki: Oh, we’re gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.

Male Student: Hi..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?

Male Student: Okay..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]

Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My “Babyon 5” Internet chat room isnever gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs outexcitedly ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?

[ Black Angels laugh at her ]

Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain’t never gonna be in the Black Angels!

China: Yeah, dream on, headband!

Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] “You think that I’m afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I’m just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, ’cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I’ll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! ‘Causeif I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I’ll take my two bare hands and I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ]

[ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China’s leather jacket and Ana’s cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]

Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What’s it to you, Collar?

Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does hervictory split ] Black Angel!

[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Mindy & Skye

Emcee…..Horatio Sanz
Mindy…..Jimmy Fallon
Skye…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Emcee: Alright everyone, just a quick announcement before we get started. Uh, Anarchy Diet has been moved from Tuesday to Wednesday, so all you anarchists, make a mark of that in your books. Ok now, put your hands together for our first guests, Mindy and Skye. Alright.

Mindy: Hey thanks, thank you very much. Alright. Uh, peace. This is a dream come true. Dig it.

Skye: Yeah, dig it.

Mindy: I’m Mindy and this is Skye.

Skye: Heh, dig it again.

Mindy: You know folks? Two days ago, I was the lonliest guy in the world. Then one fated afternoon at Starbucks I was journaling through some rage, and I met this angel. So beautiful. So smart. So.. vegetarian. Before I knew it, I was doing wheat grass shots from her bellybutton. She is the love of my life.

Skye: Thank you baby.

Mindy: You’re welcome baby. The first time, the first time she sang this song for me, I nearly fainted, it touched me so much.

Skye: Well it’s also because you had just given blood.

Mindy: Yeah, that’s true. This is that song. It sings something very close to my heart.

Skye: It’s about the almighty whale.

Mindy: Majestic creatures in danger of extinction. I think it’s time for us to do something man.

Skye: It’s bad for whales to get extincted.

Mindy: Yeah, come on people, let’s get conscious here.

Skye: Let’s clean up the lakes so whales can be OK. I mean how can you call yourself peoples, when all you do is sit around, man. And get jobs and eat whales and take jobs from whales and some of you do things to help, but other people just dont ever even do nothing! And it makes me SO MAD! Wait, what were we talking about?

Mindy: Whales.

Skye: Oh yeah, whales! WHALE POWER!!

Mindy: Hey baby, how bout we just sing the beautiful song alright?

Skye: [ singing ]
“Hey mister where you goin?
Here’s something you should be knowing.
There’s a problem that’s really growing.
Whale spouts are meant for blowing.
So STOP dropping bombs onto the whales, you dirty dirty bums
Just because they’re fat, doesn’t mean they’re dumb.
Leave the whales alone!”

Mindy: Um.. hey uh baby?

Skye: Yeah baby.

Mindy: Is that the same song you sang to me last night?

Skye: Probably not, ’cause I just made it up. Why? Did you like it baby?

Mindy: I loved it. It was genius. Wow, you have really cool hair. Ok, this next song is about a very important issue. You know we lose 50 million acres of rainforest each year. I mean that’s just uh.. god you have sexy cheekbones. But we gotta do something about the rainforest.

Skye: Oh yeah, I hate the rainforest.

Mindy: Without the rainforest the planet is not going to survive, man. So we gotta make things right.

Skye: There’s just too many rainforests and they’re like taking over the land! The time has come to stand and fight.

Mindy: Um. I’m not sure what you mean there, Skye.

Skye: Yeah, I mean if we all don’t ban together, and BURN all the rainforests, there’s going to be monkeys running our cities. It’s just going to be like “Planet of the Apes”. People you’ve seen the movie! You know it’s coming!

Mindy: Hey, baby hey baby you’re kind of freaking all of us out.

Skye: Well sing your song Mindy. You’ve gotta warn them.

Mindy: Yeah, save the trees here.

Mindy: [ singing ]
“They’re cutting down majestic trees
Mother nature falls to her knees
Stop bagging up and stop it please.
But greedy wants what greedy sees.”

Skye: RAINFORESTS ARE THE DEVIL! WEVE GOT TO KILL THE DEVIL!WE GOTTA PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS! AND HIRE WAY MORE COPS! DAMN TREES! DAMN TREES!

Mindy: Hey wait! Hey Skye! Skye stop it!

Skye: Why?!

Mindy: What the hell do you think you’re doing? I mean, are you insane?!

Skye: No, I’m just very opinionated.

Mindy: My god! Singing is my living even though I dont make any money at it. I still take it very seriously.

Skye: Well I do too!

Mindy: Well I’m sorry, I cannot perform with a woman who thinks trees are the devil.

Skye: [ pause ] I dont want to hurt you baby so I’ll hit the road. bye mindy. These last 53 hours have been the best ones of my entire life. [ they kiss ]

Mindy: ..Wait, wait hold on. Rainforests are the devil.. That’s cool. Yeah I’m totally cool with that yeah. You know maybe we should stick to love songs. Alright? What do you think of that my beautiful soulmate?

Skye: Cosmic. I love you mindy

Mindy: Me too. This one’s called “The Ballad of Mindy and Skye”.

[ singing ]
“Down by the water on a rainy day
I’ll never forget the moment that I saw you swim my way.
You said..

SNL Transcripts