Author: Don Roy King

Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri
Burt the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Bebe Vanderhouse…..Ana Gasteyer
Leonard Haggerty…..Steve Buscemi
Announcer…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

Burt the Bailiff: Order, all rise.

Announcer: Bebe Vanderhouse is suing dance instructor Leonard Haggerty for the money she paid him for hip-hop style dance lessons.

Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 163. Vanderhouse vs. Haggerty. All parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: Burt, I see the goatee is back.

Burt the Bailiff: Well, I’m single again, Judge.

Judge Judy: Too bad I’m married again.

Burt the Bailiff: The judge is a flirt.

Judge Judy: Hey, its not a sin to look.

Burt the Bailiff: The judge is married, but she ain’t dead.

Judge Judy: All right, lets get down to business here. Now, Mrs. Vanderhouse, you took lessons from this gentleman. And you were not happy with the results, is that correct?

Bebe Vanderhouse: That is correct, your honor. You see, my daughter’s wedding was coming up, and I wanted to learn some of the moves, you know. The dance moves I’ve seen on the MTV. So I saw Mr. Haggerty’s ad-

Leonard Haggerty: [Interrupts] Uh, that would be “Bust A Move Inc.”, your honor.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! Hey, sir. I’ll grind the organ when I want the monkey to dance. Got it?!

Leonard Haggerty: o-okay.

Judge Judy: So madame, you had a problem with this man’s technique, is that correct?

Bebe Vanderhouse: He had no technique, your honor. I think he just made it up as he went along. I ended up looking like a horse’s ass.

Leonard Haggerty: Judge, she looked like a horse’s ass even before I showed up.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! Bup, bup! Hey! Listen bo-jangles, you do not want me to come over there!

Burt the Bailiff: You do not want that.

Judge Judy: Now continue, madame.

Bebe Vanderhouse: Well, first of all, when he arrived at my home, he asked me to take off my bra. Insisting that I would be a better dancer if I free up my rack.

Leonard Haggerty: The rack and the ass need to work with the feet, your honor.

Judge Judy: Ok sir look! I’m getting up [puts leg on bench]. Look! see that? I’m coming! Okay it’s on the bench!

Burt the Bailiff: [points at leg] Here comes the leg.

Judge Judy: You do not want me to come over there, sir. Okay. Interrupt again, and you’ll be dancing with the nutcracker [taps gavel on gavel platform]. Yeah, just put them right here they’ll fit. All right, now Mr.Haggerty sir, what are your qualifications as a dance instructor?

Leonard Haggerty: Well, right off the bat I can tell you right off the bat I’ve been to a lot of dance clubs. Which is printed here on my resume.

Judge Judy: Oh, I gotta see this.

Burt the Bailiff: She got to see this [grabs resume].

Leonard Haggerty: My foster mother told me there were two things I did good. Number one, Lying. Fifth, dancing. Now I started break dancing when I was only 29. By 32, I was free-styling, and at 37 I got into hip-hopping and never looked back.

Judge Judy: Sir, it says nothing here about any formal training. Where exactly did you study, tommy-tune?

Leonard Haggerty: [hesitant] At the, uh…..U.S.?

Judge Judy: Okay. Sir, you do not have a leg warmer to stand on.

Leonard Haggerty: All right, all right. Your honor, I admit it. I didn’t take any high-class classes, but the proof is in the pudding…in my feet. You with me?

Judge Judy: You last me at the off ramp.

Burt the Bailiff: He’s not in the rearview mirror.

Leonard Haggerty: Okay. Your honor, if you would just educe me for a minute, so I can demonstrate my special gift.

Bebe Vanderhouse: Great, why don’t you show the white tornado?

Leonard Haggerty: Shut up, I was gonna show her that.

Bebe Vanderhouse: Don’t you tell me to shut up!

Judge Judy: All right.

Leonard Haggerty: First I gotta warm up with some free styling. [hip-hop music plays, Mr. Haggerty starts dancing] Here we go. All right. Everybody feel it? Okay, and one-two. Here comes the tornado! [dancing] Everybody say he-ey!

Burt the Bailiff: [throws hands up] He-ey!

Judge Judy: Burt!

Burt the Bailiff: [hands down] No-oo.

Leonard Haggerty: Your honor, I am gonna free-style right now into the rug baby bumper. Here we go! [music still playing] Everyboday say he-ey!

Judge Judy: Okay, sir, bup bup!! No. The club is closing, sir! The club is full.

Leonard Haggerty: Wait judge, please. I got a killer groove I’m gonna bust out just for you, all right? Here we go. [takes off jacket and swings it with music playing] Everybody say he-ey!

Audience: He-ey!

Leonard Haggerty: He-ey!

Audience: He-ey!

Leonard Haggerty: Everybody say hey.

Judge Judy: Okay. [Imitates Mr. Haggerty] Everybody’s seen enough! Everybody’s seen enough! [music stops] All right, I’m ready to rule!

Burt the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!

Judge Judy: Mr. Haggerty, you may not be aware of this, but I was a regular at Studio 54 in the 70’s. Myself, Halston, Liza, we all hung out. So no one is gonna pull the dance skin over these eyes, got it? So I’m gonna tell you something, sir. Something that I know. You……..can dance!

Leonard Haggerty: Yesss!

Judge Judy: Not only do you cut a rug, you weave it and then you shake it out the door.

Bebe Vanderhouse: What the hell?!

Judge Judy: Hey, hey! Bup, bup! Madame! Madame! Okay, okay I’m gonna tell you to shut that wood chopping accident you call a mouth!

Bebe Vanderhouse: I went to Vassar!

Judge Judy: Simply put madame, simply put! You are ignorant, you are a liar ma’am, and you’re a whore.

Bebe Vanderhouse: My god! My god!

Judge Judy: The court rules in favor of the defendant! Burt, hose her down!

Bebe Vanderhouse: I don’t believe this, this is ridiculous!

Judge Judy: You sir, press play, because I wanna see more of this dancing.

[Mr. Haggerty presses play, hip-hop music starts, and he dances]

[fade out]

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

Morning Latte

Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Alphie Nye…..Steve Buscemi
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
…..Didi Conn

Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte.”

Tom Wilkins: [Both laughing] Oh, that’s very funny. Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins.

Cass van Rye: Oh! And I’m Cass Van Rye. Yeah! yes. Hey, how about this warm weather?

Tom Wilkins: Wow. It’s been warm.

Cass van Rye: Spring has Sprung!

Tom Wilkins: Spring has Sprung!

Cass van Rye: Yes! It has, and it’s been unusually warm.

Tom Wilkins: Yes it is, yes.

Cass van Rye: Hey just the other day, I – I put on an extra swipe of Lady’s Speed Stick, and I still stunk to high heaven.

Tom Wilkins: Wow. You still stink right now.

Cass van Rye: Really? [smells arm pits]

Tom Wilkins: Yea.

Cass van Rye: That’s right.

Tom Wilkins: You’re right. It is warm. It is warm. I have to say I know hundreds of people have died, but God bless El Nino.

Cass van Rye: God bless El Nino, yes. Because it made things beautiful. This cup is half full! [laughing]

Tom Wilkins: Cass, you know what they say about march. It comes in like a lion, –

Cass van Rye: – and out like a bird.

Tom Wilkins: Out like a lamb.

Cass van Rye: Out like a lamb. Meow. Meow. Meow. [ Imitates cat with hands]

Tom Wilkins: [Confused] Okay. So…uh…Cass what did you do Oscar night?

Cass van Rye: Oh, Oscar night. Eli and I went to an Oscar party thrown by my best friend in the whole wide world, Markie Post.

Tom Wilkins: Markie Post. Yes.

Cass van Rye: Well, I’ll tell you Tom, everybody was there. Everybody! Sandy Duncan was there. David Soul dropped by. Screech from Saved by the Bell was there.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh Screech, I love screech.

Cass van Rye: It was a good time.

Tom Wilkins: Well after seeing “Titanic,” I did not want to see any of the other movies nominated.

Cass van Rye: No.

Tom Wilkins: No.

Cass van Rye: But I will have to say that I did enjoy the film about the genius janitor, uh “Good Will Hunting.” But Robin Williams was not funny.

Tom Wilkins: No?

Cass van Rye: No. He was off his game.

Tom Wilkins: I’ve been hearing that from a lot of people. I’ve been hearing that. “Titanic” is clearly the best.

Cass van Rye: Viva la Cameron! Viva la Cameron!

Tom Wilkins: Viva la Cameron!

Cass van Rye: Case closed, case closed!

Tom Wilkins: Close it up!

Cass van Rye: Case closed!

Tom Wilkins: Close it up!…Well if that doesn’t get you going, our next segment will. What’s the word Cass?

Both: Grease!

Cass van Rye: Grease is the word, and it is back in theaters, and that is cool by this pink lady. [fake laugh]

Tom Wilkins: Our guest today calls himself the #1 fan of the 20 year-old phenomenon that we call “Grease”. He’s seen it over 5,000 times. Let’s bring out the coolest T-Bird around, Mr. Alphie Nye.

[Both laughing]

Cass van Rye: That’s fun. Welcome Alphie.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Alphie Nye: Thanks. Well, it’s definitely great to be here, because…[signing]we go together, like a ramalamalama kidi-kidi ding-dong.[laughing]Cass van Rye: What fun!Tom Wilkins: That’s fun!Alphie Nye: I’m really pumped to be here, celebrating the re-release of thegreatest movie musical of all time, “Grease.”Cass van Rye: Yes. Now Alphie, tell us something about grease that we wouldn’tknow.Tom Wilkins: Yeah.Alphie Nye: Okay, I thought you’d never ask. I just happen to have here, Frenchey’s Grease scrapbook. By my favorite cast member Ms. Didi Conn. Now this is interesting – few people know that Stockard Channing was not the original choice for the role if Rizzo.

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Really!

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Really!

Cass van Rye: WHAT?!

Tom Wilkins: Really!

Alphie Nye: No. Actually the first choice for the role of Rizzo was the Hispanic entertainer Charro.

Cass van Rye: Charro.

Tom Wilkins: Charro.

Cass van Rye: OH, Charro, Tom. [Imitates Charro] Coochie, coochie. Coochie, coochie.

Tom Wilkins: OH, she’s a talented gal.

Cass van Rye: She is.

Tom Wilkins: But she never bothered to learn “our” language.

Cass van Rye: No, she didn’t.

Alphie Nye: And the T-birds were originally called the Pelicans.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, that’s odd.

Cass van Rye: I don’t like the way that hits my ear.

Tom Wilkins: That’s odd.

Alphie Nye: Everybody knows that Danny Zuko Would have flipped his lid if someone would have called him a pelican…Damn it!

Cass van Rye: Well, you know, I took my two nieces to Grease on opening weekend.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, did your husband Eli go?

Cass van Rye: No, we separated….but my nieces had a blast.

Tom Wilkins: Now you took your nieces, because you can’t kids of you own.

Cass van Rye: No. That’s right, I cannot get pregnant. Yes. Because you see, my uterus, is collapsed and inside out.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, Alphie. Alphie, it’s collapsed…and inside out. There’s nothing coming out of here [points at Cass’ stomach]

Cass van Rye: [Points at her stomach] No. No. There are no buns in this oven. No buns.

Tom Wilkins: No buns.

Cass van Rye: This bakery is closed!

Tom Wilkins: The bakery is closed!

Cass van Rye: Bakery is closed!

Tom Wilkins: Forget it. No day old bread here.

Cass van Rye: No. [Grabs Alphie’s hand] Here, feel my uterus. There’s nothing there.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah. It’s collapsed. It’s collapsed.

Alphie Nye: I am no gynecologist, but I’m a Grease-ologist, who was born to do the hand jive.

[Alphie stands up and demonstrates hand jive as music plays]

Tom Wilkins: I love that.

[Cass stands up and tries to do hand jive]

Cass van Rye: I want to do that! How do you do that? I can’t!

Tom Wilkins: I can’t do that!

Cass van Rye: I can’t!

Tom Wilkins: Oh that’s terrible!

Cass van Rye: I can’t! That’s – what a hoot!

[All sit down]

Alphie Nye: I just was born to hand jive!

Cass van Rye: What a hoot!

Tom Wilkins: Well, I just love the dancing in that movie, but I do not care for the music.

Cass van Rye: No. No. Well, everyone knows that the songs were the worst part. Worst part of “Grease.”

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, there just bad —

Alphie Nye: Woah, woah! What are you talking about? The soundtrack has sold like a zillion copies. The songs…are classics.

Cass van Rye: Well, you know what, I think you are gonna get a kick out of next classic that we have. A little surprise for you. Everybody, the legendary Didi Conn!

Tom Wilkins: Didi!

Alphie Nye: I cant believe it! Didi! Didi Conn!

[Alphie takes off “T-Bird” jacket and reveals “Pink Ladies” jacket]

Didi Conn: I love you guys.

Alphie Nye: I’m a huge fan, I’m looking at Frenchey!

Didi Conn: [To Tom and Cass] I love you guys.

Cass van Rye: Aww, you love us? We love you! Stop it.

Tom Wilkins: Didi, how great were you in Benson? Do we have a clip?

Didi Conn: Oh, I wish I brought one.

Cass van Rye: Oh.

Didi Conn: Did you like that episode when I gave birth to little Petey in the elevator?

Alphie Nye: Who the hell is Petey?

Cass van Rye: You know, I loved you in “You Light Up my Life.”

Tom Wilkins: Oh what a tearjerker, what a tearjerker.

Cass van Rye: Oh I’ll never forget that.

Alphie Nye: [Frustrated] What’s your problem? This is Frenchy for God’s sakes.

Cass van Rye: Hey. How is Robert Guillaume? Bobby Guillaume. How is he?

Didi Conn: He’s great! I just saw him in “Lamb Chop’s Passover.” He was great.

Cass van Rye: He’s a fun guy, I like him.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, all the appearances.

Cass van Rye: Oh, all the appearances on Love Boat, this one.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Cass van Rye: All the appearances on Love Boat. This one –

Alphie Nye: [Explodes] Love boat!! come on!! She’s the beauty school dropout from “Grease,” you stupid bitch!!! I’m gonna go blow my brains out!1 I finally get to meet Frenchy, and you’re talking about “Love Boat!!”

[moment of silence]

Tom Wilkins: [happy again] Well be right back everybody!

Cass van Rye: Didi Conn!

Tom Wilkins: With Didi Conn!

Cass van Rye: How about it!

Tom Wilkins: How about it!

[Didi and Cass hug, Logo appears on screen]

[fade out]

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Reggie White…..Tracy Morgan

[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]

Colin Quinn: Hello. I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you. Thank you so much. The big story this week, Paula Jones’ sexual harassment lawsuit against the president was thrown out. When reached for comment, the president said “I’m glad this is over. Now we can move on and forget about Paula Jones and focus on what is really important – the fact that I nailed Miss America. So now it’s all over for you. It’s all over for little Miss Paula Jones. No more reporters on your lawn. No more going to the beauty parlor with Susan Carpenter McMillian. Yeah, maybe ifyou’re lucky, you’ll do a couple of Cinemax movies with Anderw Stevens and Shannon Tweed. But that’s about it Paula, so it’s been swell. Good luck with your psychic hotline.” She’s gone. [Imitating President Clinton] “won’t see her no more.”

While visiting an African Catholic church, President Clinton, a Baptist, received communion. Luckily his advisers stopped him from entering a confessional, after they calculated that his penance would be 6 million Our Fathers and 18 million Hail Mary’s.

In Chicago this week, mayor Richard Daley was accused of referring to their St. Patrick’s day queen, Jennifer Battistone, as a dago. I don’t know about you, but I find this terribly offensive. What the hell is an Italian doing leading a St. Patrick’s day parade? There goes my union book.

Seventeen year-old actor Macauly Culkin got engaged this week to seventeen year-old actress Rachel Minor. It will be the first disastrous marriage for both.

This week, the FDA approved the sexual potency drug Viagra. Doctors cautioned against overdosing on the anti-impotence drug, citing the case of a 46 year-old Virginia man who couldn’t get rid of his erection for 19 hours. Doctors say if this happens, remain calm, drink some water and try to find a picture of this woman. [Picture of Linda Tripp appears, applause] Right now she’s home crying watching this, all right?

The European union took steps this week toward making the euro, the merged form of currency for 11 participating countries. The only nation not involved will be Switzerland, who said “we’ll stick to our official form of currency – Nazi gold.”

Daniel Remeta, a spree killer who has the mental age of a child , was executed in Florida this week. For his last meal, he requested a sno-cone. All right? No matter how tough the prison guards were, that had to get to you. That’s hardcore. To put a guy in the electric chair while he’s eating a sno-cone. He’s sitting there, you’re like “Come on, were going for a ride in the nice chair. Dead man with an ice cream headache walking.” That’s Florida’s fourth execution in nine days by the way. That’s there fourth in nine days. Geez, do you think the uh executioners are going on vacation? What the hell, is he trying to wrapup? That kinda petered out.

In business news, Mattel has allegedly offered 77.4 million dollars to acquire Bluebird toys, the makers of Etch-A-Sketch. It is predicted that after two weeks, Mattel will become bored with the company, and leave it at a friend’s house. [applause] Childhood, huh? Childhood!

Rocker Tommy Lee is about to go on trial for beating up a Jewish paparazzi. Lee wants to hide from the jury the fact that he has the tattoo of a swastika. When asked for comment, Lee said ” I’m confident that my Jew lawyers will be able to get it suppressed.”

Seals off the Jersey shore are dying from a mysterious disease that starts with a cough and a runny nose. Symptoms first appeared after Clearence Clemmons went skinny dipping.

We all saw James Cameron’s Oscar speech last week, all right, and what an idiot, I know. He asked for a moment of silence for the Titanic, and then he says “let’s party til dawn.” Even Fiona Apple is saying “man, that was a jackass acceptance speech, you know?” And what about “I’m king of the world?” You know, even the pope is at home giving the TV the finger. Saying “Hey, king of the world? Who am I, Wink Martindale? I’m the pope, you don’t see me acting like that.”

Now this week, Michigan police returned Dr. Jack Kivorkian’s assistant suicide machine. In a related story, Kenny G. got a new saxophone.

Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat toured the Amsterdam building where Anne Frank hid from the Nazi’s during World War II. Out of habit, Arafat blurted out “Hey, she’s in here!”

Editor’s of several major publishing houses, report that Mike Tyson is looking for a book deal in the seven figure range. Luckily for publishes, Mike Tyson has no understanding of where decimal points go. [ picture of handwritten $20.000 00] You don’t have to applaud that much, I’m the one who has to face him some day. I’m saying it to his face right now.

Anyway, I’ve been asked to read this announcement by the way, daylight savings time begins tonight at 2am. We will set our clocks ahead one hour, and loose an hour of sleep. It’s not that big a deal, you just set your clock ahead. So what, I’m not gonna lose sleep over it. You don’t know how many people are happy in telling me “I told you that wouldn’t work, but I – I trusted you people.”

Now this week — never mind that. This week the FDA approved the use ofsucralose, a no-calorie sweetener that is 600 times sweeter than sugar.Sucralose is created by rearranging the molecules of sugar into a form that can pass through the body without being absorbed. It will also be available under it’s other name – cancer.

Oh my god. Last week, Green Bay Packers defensive end Reggie White delivered an hour long speech to the Wisconsin state assembly, in which he made sweeping and shocking generalizations about different races. Here to explain his controversial remarks is Reggie White.

Reggie White: Thank you, Colin. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity to clear my name. I feel nothing but regret about what took place in Wisconsin.

Colin Quinn: So, you’re sorry about your speech?

Reggie White: Absolutely, Colin. I’m as upset as anybody about what happened.. For instance, I never even got a chance to talk about Samoans. Dirty, filthy, stupid Samoans.

Colin Quinn: Reggie, uh, please that’s really offensive.

Reggie White: Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. I hate Samoans.

Colin Quinn: Right. That’s what I thought you meant.

Reggie White: Oh, good. I’m a little worried about being misunderstood, you know? Which is why I also want to be extra clear about my feelings of hatred towards midgets.

Colin Quinn: All right, I think that’s enough.

Reggie White: Good question, Colin. I like that. Good question. Good question….. The bible does in fact condemn midgetry. I believe it was Jesus or God, who said, and I quote “thou shall not midget thy self.” Hey Colin, you ever seen a midget in a suit? That is nasty. Nasty. I digress, man. The point is, every race and ethnic group has something unique to offer. For instance, midgets are good at being hated. Or take the gypsies. They good at being filthy, and lying and stealing things. Stole my hubcaps last week. You see what I mean?

Colin Quinn: No, I really don’t, actually.

Reggie White: Gypsies and midgets, man. Gypsies and midgets. And you know what’s even worse then that, them plain midgets? Is those really tall midgets you see walking around.

Colin Quinn: You mean…people?

Reggie White: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes. Yes indeed. Yes indeed. Without a doubt, I hate them. I hate them. And that’s really – and that’s really what I’m trying to say here.

Colin Quinn: Right. Reggie White everybody.

Reggie White: Thanks for the support, Colin. I’ll get you some tickets, come on down to the game.

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 11th, 1998

Greg Kinnear

All Saints

Bob Hoskins

None
Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) and good friend Chad Burman (Greg Kinnear) will celebrate the Easter festivities – with no emphasis on Passover – on tomorrow’s episode.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Montage

Greg Kinnear’s MonologueSummary: Greg Kinnear shows the audience a clip from “As Good As It Gets” which features the on-screen flaw that must have cost him the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

Note: Among the Oscar wins for “As Good As It Gets” were Helen Hunt (Best Actress) and Jack Nicholson (Best Actor), who hosted and cameoed this season’s Christmas episode.

Bio: Greg Kinnear (1963-) formerly hosted the original “Talk Soup” on the E! Network and followed Bob Costas on NBC’s “Later” before launching into a film career.

Cookie Dough SportSummary: Cookie dough right when you need it most.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/97.

Name That Dog!Summary: Game show contestants guess the names of various dogs.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a drug medley for patients at a rehab center.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

High Five!Summary: B-Ball (Greg Kinnear) can’t stop giving everyone high fives, which embarrasses his blind date (Cheri Oteri).

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” turns Tom Snyder into a stalker during an interview with Dolly Parton.

Note: Repeat from 02/22/97.

House of DogsSummary: Proprietor Thurmond Sykes (Tracy Morgan) sells dangerous dogs, just like the ones seen on “Name That Dog!”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen (Jim Breuer) delivers the loud, metal version of headline news stories.

Recurring Characters: Gunner Olsen.

Transcript

All Saints perform “Never Ever”Bio: The members of British/Canadian pop music girl group All Saints are Melanie Blatt, Shaznay Lewis, and sisters Nicole and Natalie Appleton. They’re named after All Saints Road in London, where Melanie and Shaznay started their career as backing vocalists at the ZTT Recording Studios.

Ted Koppel’s BrotherSummary: Newsman Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) is reunited with his younger brother Randy (Greg Kinnear), who’s a junkie.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Walk The PlankSummary: Captain Kidd (Bob Hoskins) forces his captive (Will Ferrell), which is so enormously long that its own purpose is defeated.

The Robin Byrd ShowSummary: Russ Nickles (Greg Kinnear) is accidentally booked for a stripping appearance on Robin Byrd’s (Cheri Oteri) talk show.

Recurring Characters: Robin Byrd.

Later ReunionSummary: The many hosts of “Later” will gather together for an upcoming all-star reunion on NBC.

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects upon the versatility of playing dead.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 18

97r: Greg Kinnear / All Saints

Name That Dog

Jackson Nelson…..Greg Kinnear
Aaron Jonner…..Tim Meadows
Bill Mealy…..Chris Kattan
Model 1…..Ana Gasteyer
Model 2…..Molly Shannon
Model 3…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Staytuned for Name That Dog.

Jingle: You gotta guess that dog’s name(woof,woof)You gotta play the game(woof,woof,woof,woof)You gotta try and try and try and try to name thatdog(woof, woof,woof,woof. Logo of the show appears onscreen which is a dog cartoon with a question mark onit’s chest)

Announcer: Name That Dog! And now it’s time for thegame show where you gotta guess that dog’s name. NameThat Dog!, with your host Jackson Nelson!

(Applause,host runs to his podium. The set is thefront door of a doghouse and the contestants podiumsare decorated with giant dog’s heads)

Jackson Nelson: Hello everybody! I’m Jackson Nelsonand this is Name That Dog! Let’s go ahead and meet ourcontestants, shall we? Bill Mealy is a jigsaw puzzlephotographer from Bay Mill, Rhode Island.

(Bill is very excited, runs to his dog-podium)

Bill: Ruff!Ruff! Good to be here!

Jackson Nelson: Aaron Jonner does repair andmaintenance on the intercom systems for the fast fooddrive thru menus.

(Aaron is super excited, gets to his dog-podium)

Aaron: I’M GONNA GUESS THAT DOG’S NAME!!

Jackson Nelson: Take it easy there, Aaron! You allknow how the game is played, we’re gonna show you adog and you have to correctly guess it’s given name.First round is worth $300 dollars a dog and the finalround is worth a $1,000 dollars. Are you ready?

Bill: YEAH!!

Aaron: I’M GONNA GUESS THAT DOG’S NAME!!

Jackson Nelson: All right then, let’s begin. Dognumber one is a mixed breed 4 year old from SanAntonio, Texas. (Model #1 brings out a dog on a leash)

(Beep)

Jackson Nelson: Bill?

Bill: Is it Champ?(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No. Aaron you can steal this question.

Aaron: I’ve got it! Champagne!!(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No, the dog’s name is Trooper. Trooperwas the dog. Next dog. And who can name it?

(Model #2 brings out next dog on a leash)

(Beep)

Jackson Nelson: Aaron.

Aaron: FRANKLIN!!(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No.(Beep)Bill?

Bill: General?(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No, it was Lobo! Lobo was the dog. Andthe next dog. Here we go. Who can name that dog?

(Model #3 comes out with big German Shepard)

(Beep)

Jackson Nelson: Aaron?

Aaron: Br- BOWSER!!(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No! Not Bowser.(Beep)Bill?

Bill: Montana?(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No, it’s name is Shep. Next oneplease.

(Model#1 comes out carrying a small white poodle onher hands)

(Beep)

Jackson Nelson: Bill?

Bill: Um, Princess?(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No. I’m afraid not.(Beep)Aaron?

Aaron: GINGER!!(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No! Dog’s name was Steve! Steve wasthe dog.

Bill: Ohh!

Jackson Nelson: And let’s go ahead with the nextdog–(siren wails)Oh, my Goodness!, is a double dogdare! Double dog dare! Double value on this guess.Name those dogs if you would.

(Model #2 comes out with 2 small dogs)

(Beep)

Jackson Nelson: Bill?

Bill: Pepe and Pierre.(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No, I’m afraid not.(Beep)Aaron?

Aaron: Fred and Barney!(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No, it was Lawrence and Cynthia. Toughbreak, tough break. Next dog, please.

(Model #3 brings out a Lassie look-alike dog)

Jackson Nelson: Who can name that dog?(Beep)Bill?

Bill: Lassie?(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: No.(Beep)Aaron!

Aaron: LADY!(Buzzer)

Jackson Nelson: Wait! Judges can we acceptLady?(Buzzer)I’m sorry we cannot accept Lady. Thecorrect answer is Gummo! Gummo was what we werelooking for. Very close, though, very close. And let’sgo on to the next dog–(Trumpets blare)Well, that’sthe sound of the blaring trumpets and that means itstime for the Wall of Dogs.(Wall of Dogs appears onscreen. The 3 models all appear with 10 dogssurrounding them, all of the dogs are on theirleashes)Bill, why don’t you start?

Bill: Ruff!, ruff!

Jackson Nelson: And if you would. Begin.

(Camera pans across showing all of the 10 dogs)

Bill: OK, let’s see, Freddy, Remington, God!, thatlooks like a Thumper, uh, Iris, uh, Pogo, let’s saythe one not facing me Budweiser, uh,uh, Gump, Katie,Melon over there and that’s Ned the one upthere(Beep,beep. Time’s up)That’s Ned.

Jackson Nelson: Good work and your score is–(numbersflash on the screen, stops)0! Zero out of ten! Aaronlet’s see if you can beat that score.

Aaron: I’M GONNA DO IT!!

Jackson Nelson: All right. Why don’t you go ahead andbegin.

(Camera pans across again showing the same 10 dogs)

Aaron: OK, all right, Jax, Indiana walked in there.That’s Ringo, uh,let’s see OK, that’s Ernie, OK,that’s a hard one! I’ll pass, I’ll pass, pass. That’sRibsy with the back to the camera and then there’sBrandy, William and that is FRESCA!(Beep, beep. Time’sup)

Jackson Nelson: Well played, Aaron! We’re gonna goahead and tally up your score. Remember since youpassed on one, you can only receive 9 out of 10. Andlet’s take a look.(Numbers flash again, stop)O! Zeroout of ten! And the correct answer unfortunatelywas(camera pans across showing the 10 dogs)Boots,Marshall, Navy, Peanut, Dojo, Max, Douglas, Shilo,Pixie and Ruggles.

Aaron: Ruggles, Ruggles, Ruggles.

Jackson Nelson: And we have a tie! You bothwin!Congratulations!(Aaron and Bill hug and high fiveeach other)And your total winnings are $0dollars.$0.($0.00 flash on screen)I wanna thank youboth for joining us and playing this week. Next weekjoin us where we ask you the question again, Name ThatDog!

(Show’s logo appears on screen)

Aaron: I’M GONNA NAME THAT DOG NEXT WEEK!!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 18

97r: Greg Kinnear / All Saints

Goodnights

…..Greg Kinnear

Greg Kinnear: Thank you, everybody! Thanks to All Saints.. and Bob Hoskins, ’cause he’s in the movie “24/7”! Good night, Mom, Dad, Sophie.. sleep tight! See ya! Thank you! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 18

97r: Greg Kinnear / All Saints

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer
Chad Burman … Greg Kinnear

Announcer: Tomorrow on Martha Stewart Living:

Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. Gourmet jelly beans, chocolate bunnies, and a pastel rainbow of hand-painted eggs. Tomorrow on “Living,” we’ll celebrate the blossoming of Spring and resurrection of Christ when we prepare for the year’s most festive and meaningful holiday, Easter … [almost under her breath] and we’ll also talk about Passover.

The treat basket is the most delightful part of Easter for adults and children alike. I wove this one out of reeds from my garden then lined it with Irish heather and filled it with naturally-died eggs from my personal hen-house. But you don’t have to celebrate Easter to enjoy tradition. I made this Passover box out of an old bird’s nest and filled it with these giant Jewish crackers. [laughter] It’s better than nothing.

Ham is the classic main course of any Easter gathering served alongside minted peas, crab salad canapé, and hearth-baked rolls. It makes for a perfect holiday feast. From conversations with my Jewish friend, I understand that ham may not be an option for Passover. Try an herb-crusted roast loin of pork. It’s a springtime classic that’ll have everyone at your table cheering “shay-lom.” [mispronounces ‘shalom’]

And you won’t want to miss a special segment with my friend, Chad Burman.

Chad Burman: [enters frame stirring a pot, speaks in a heavy sophisticated accent] Martha and I will show you how to make authentic New York arugula.

Martha Stewart: Wow. Sounds exotic. You’re Jewish, aren’t you, Chad?

Chad Burman: Dear God, no.

Martha Stewart: So join me tomorrow on “Living” when we explore the tastes and traditions of Easter. And for all of our Jewish viewers, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 18

97r: Greg Kinnear / All Saints

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Gunner Olsen…..Jim Breuer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh-ho! Thanks, folks! Oh folks, what can I say? [chuckles] Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.

Okay….First article of business: President Clinton. [puts left hand inside his sportcoat] This week, you can’t really abuse him. The stock market broke records all week, oil prices are the lowest since 1975, he went after the tobacco corporations, banned the import of automatic weapons, and helped stop a w – 500-year-old war in Ireland. [takes out a wad of money] I wanna buy this guy his next hooker! [slams the money on the desk] Come on, I’m serious! [some applause and cheers; looks at the money and picks it back up] Oh. Well, forget it. I didn’t say where she’d be from! Now look…[puts the money back in his sportcoat]

An historic peace agreement was reached in Northern Ireland today. The talks, a 32-hour nonstop session, finally ended at 3 a.m. Friday. Of course they agreed then! You ever hang out with a group of Irish guys? You can get Irish guys to do anything at 3 a.m. on a Friday, all right?…They’re not really in a condition to argue. That’s when U2 thought of Zoo TV. You know? Some guy said, “Hey, you guys are the most politically relevant and talented band out there right now, why don’t you ruin it all…by putting on funny hats and stupid sunglasses and making fun of yourselves?” [Irish accent] “Sounds good, fella.” You know?…That was my…Irish accent.

You know…we here at “Weekend Update” are nonpardis – partisan, and we don’t editorialize with our personal opinions, we take no sides in this…Irish matter. If you would like to send money to our nonpartisan fund, send it to Colin Quinn at [address appears on the screen behind Colin] “Dirty Brits out of Ireland”…care of Pete McGrath’s Broken Capillary Tavern…on Bainbridge Avenue, Bronx, New York…[Irish accent] and there you have it!…Shouldn’t keep pushing that accent. All right, look…

Last Sunday, Monica Lewinsky toured the birthplace of American democracy, Philadelphia’s Independence Hall. In a statement to the press, she called the many exhibits about the Founding Fathers, quote, “mouth-watering.” [some groans, then cheers and applause] Whoa!…That joke had a second wind, didn’t it?

With the taping of the final episode of “Seinfeld” shrouded in secrecy, everyone is asking, “How does it end?” Hey, I know how it ends. With NBC Entertainment President Warren Littlefield lying drunk in a gutter going, “Nooooooo!!”

The biggest merger ever happened this week in the 81-billion-dollar merger with Travelers Insurance, which is Smith Barney, which is partly the old Shearson Leeman Brothers, plus you got the Salomon Brothers, Citibank, and a Saudi prince. Sounds like an honest enough group.

New York City wants to add the Chinese New Year to the list of holidays where off-to-the-side-of-the-street parking is suspended. They had to! You know how hard it is to park a 40-foot dragon?

The Dalai Lama is planning a trip to New Jersey next month, appearing at the Buddhist Learning Center in Franklin Township. Now that just doesn’t sound very spiritual, I’m sorry, you know? Th – those Jersey radio ads? “Come to the Buddhist Learning Center and see the Dalai Lama! That’s the Buddhist Learning Center at Exit 15, two exits north of the Paramis Mall!” You know?…It’s like he’s coming by to sign baseballs with Todd Hundley, you know? “This weekend, Paul O’Neill and the Dalai Lama at the Buddist Learning Center!”

In response to widespread criticism, producers of “The Jerry Springer Show” are vowing to cut down on the number of fights on the show. Now without the fights, what do you have? You don’t have a show. It’s like the Kenneth Starr investigation when Paula Jones is out of it, you know? Now we have nothing but Jerry Springer and Kenneth Starr. Two middle-aged guys with glasses who try to start trouble with hillbillies and their wives. [cheers and applause]…Unh! Thanks, folks!

A Texas representative is proposing a plan that could give the death penalty to children as young as 11. Now, I know this sounds cruel because an 11-year-old to us is little kids. But you talk fo – to a bunch of nine-year-olds that have to deal with them every day. They’d be like, you know, “Hell, I’d pull the switch!”

In an interview with the BBC, O.J. Simpson says that he never talks to his children about their mother’s death. Although he is fond of telling the story of how he lopped off Ron Goldman’s head with a butcher knife. [cheers and applause followed by a few boos]…Ooh ho ho, we don’t…I, uh…I was comin’ up there!

Muslims from all over the world made their annual pilgrimage to Mecca this week to commemorate the holiday Eid al Adha. Over a hundred of the Muslim pilgrims died in a stampede as they were performing a ritual known as “stoning the Devil.” Unfortunately for them, the Devil was performing a ritual known as “crushing the pilgrims.”…C’est la gere, you know what I mean?

10,000…10,000 Muslims who couldn’t make the pilgrimage gathered at Coney Island to pray. Apparently, the tilt-a-whirl faces Mecca every three times around. [cheers and applause]

You know, in Los Angeles, rocker Tommy Lee pled no contest to his spousal abuse charges and must serve a six-month jail sentence. That’s gotta be tough. One day you’re married to this [photo of Pamela Anderson]…the next day you’re married to this. [photo of a black prison inmate]

Well, it’s Easter. But a lot of people forget what the holiday is all about, okay? So I’ll explain the whole Holy Week thing to you. It begins on Palm Sunday, Jesus comes to town. Now on Wednesday, Judas pulls a Sammy “The Bull” on Jesus, right?…That’s what happened. Holy Thursday was the Last Supper. First, Jesus washes all the Apostles’ feet, which was a very humble thing, he was trying to show his humility, and ’cause those feet were dirty. Everyone wore sandals in those days. I’m sure that the Apostles had nice sandals, they were the Apostles, you know? They have to convince people that Jesus is the Son of God, they can’t be walkin’ around in flip-flops, all right?…Then that night, the elders grab Jesus, put him in jail; the next morning the crowd chooses Barabbas, a murderer, to let him go over Jesus. Can somebody say “Los Angeles jury”…on that one?…They crucify him…Jesus, y– a lot of people don’t realize he was crucified with two thieves. Both of them spend the rest of eternity telling people, “I was crucified on Good Friday too, you know.” Nobody cares. It’s like, you know, it’s like “Murphy Brown” ending their show the same week as “Seinfeld.” Who’s gonna care, right?…And then on Easter Sunday, he resurrected, and in that single act, it all changed, folks. If that had not happened, all the Christians would be slack-jawed druids. There would be no Christmas, Al Roker wouldn’t like the Rockefeller Center tree, he would just go out to the skating rink and slaughter a calf, all right? I’ve seen him do that, but, you know. There would be no paintings until 1900, there would’ve been no paintings ’til, like, 1900. The Met would be filled with pictures of dogs playing poker. All right?…Madonna wouldn’t be named “Madonna,” of course. There’d be no Madonna; she’d be, like, Marlene, a scared little lonely girl from Detroit….And isn’t that who she really is, anyway? Baby…all right, that was a little unnerving, I know it. All right?

Now, in an effort to help younger viewers understand today’s top stories, here’s the heavy metal news with Gunner Olsen.

[pan over to Gunner, whose voice is amplified and often fluctuates in pitch]

Gunner Olsen: Yeah! [lights dim, guitar riffs begin playing] Yeah! I can sense a good house tonight! [Colin laughs] Colin Quinn! Are you ready for the NEEEEWWWS, YEAH!

Colin: Yes I am, Gunner.

Gunner: I said…ARE YOU READYYYYYYY FOR TONIGHT’S TOP STORIES?

Colin: And for the second time, yes. I am.

Gunner: Here’s some headlines from The New York Times-ah!

[A heavy metal tune begins playing. Audience cheers as Gunner bangs his head and pumps his fist. Gunner starts singing.]

[all lyrics appear one line at a time at the bottom of the screen]

Dow Jones rising
more and more
with the merger
of Traveler’s and Citicorps
War in Northern Ireland
has finally ceased
Protestants and Catholics
will have peace! [holds the words “peace” for several seconds; cheers]

Yeah! [Colin laughs] I like you!…Now! That’s it! We’re gonna sing along TO THE SPORTS NEWS! [bangs his head, then resumes singing]

Fuzzy Zoeller, Tiger Woods
competing at The Masters
World Champ Marlins
What a disaster!
[tune becomes slower and sadder]
New York Knicks in eighth place
Fans are really booing,
all they really want is
the return of Patrick Ewing. [holds the word “Ewing” for several seconds]

[back to normal] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!…YOU GOT ME GOING CRAZY!! [cheers] YOU READY TO WRAP IT UP? [cheers]…WE’RE GONNA WRAP IT UP WITH SOME HOLIDAY NEEWS-AH! [stands up; crowds cheers as he pumps his fist and bangs his head; makes a face, then resumes singing]

[ends every other line in this section with a high pitch]
Monica Lewinsky
Love her or hate her
Tonight she’s going to
a Passover seder
Last show of “Seinfeld”
Will it be funny?
Guess who comes tomorrow [gets on top of the desk]
the Easter Bunny! [audience cheers as he holds the word “Bunny” for several seconds]

Yeah!

[“Easter Bunny!” flashes on the screen]
Easter Bunny!
Easter Bunny!

[begins to get Colin and the audience involved]

Colin:
Easter Bunny.

Gunner:
Easter Bunny!

Audience:
Easter Bunny!

Gunner:
Easter Bunny!

Audience:
Easter Bunny! [flashing lyrics disappear]

[Colin sits there, amused]

Gunner:
COME ON! EASTER BUNNY!

Audience:
Easter Bunny!

Gunner:
Bunny!
Bunny!
BUNNY!
BUN – BUN – BUN – BUN…

[crowd cheers as he stage dives off the desk; lights come back up]

Colin: Gunner Olsen, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! [tune ends; still amused over Gunner’s performance]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 2nd, 1998

Matthew Broderick

Natalie Merchant

Tenacious D

Regis Philbin

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) experiences side effects while using Viagra.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

Tracy Morgan and Jim Breuer annoy Broderick with Godzilla impressions.

The View

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Sratt Jones, Debbie Matanapolous.

The Zimmermans

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.

Pretty Living

Recurring Characters: Gail Gleeson, Helen Madden.

Viagra

All the men in New York City have no use for a product like Viagra.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

The Celine Dion Show

Celine Dion (Ana Gasteyer) delights in upstaging her less-than-perfect guests.

Recurring Characters: Celine Dion.

Prom Limo

Teens sing of how cool they are to be in a limo on Prom night.

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 28th, 1998

Garth Brooks

Garth Brooks

Robert Duvall

Clinton/Hussein/Lewinsky/Meadows Phone Chat

President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) engages in four-way chat.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Monica Lewinsky.

Garth Brooks’ Monologue

Brooks relives his psychadelic music roots.

Mango

Brooks finds himself entranced by Mango (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Oprah

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky.

TV Funhouse

“Fun With Real Audio” finds David Brenner struggling as a talk show guest.

Old French Whore!

Old French whores help high schoolers win prize money on game show.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) and Brooks sing “I’m In Love with Garth”.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Who’s More Grizzled?!

Old-timers (Brooks, Robert Duvall) compete via disgruntled life tales.

Hey, Remember the 80’s

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Loew’s Movie Previews

Endless Shelley Long movie trailers trap theater-goers like shipwreck victims.

Lay, Lady, Lay

Intern (Will Ferrell) sings “Lay, Lady, Lay” to tiresome patient (Robert Duvall).

SNL Transcripts