Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond Tiger Woods…..Tim Meadows Earl Woods…..Tracy Morgan
Jack Perkins: [ brandishing a drink, as usual ] Welcome to”Biography.” I’m Jack Perkins. [ sits ] Unless you’ve been in a cave for the last week, you’ve heard of a man named Tiger Woods. He won the Masters Golf tournament on Sunday, and since then the entire namtion has been abuzz about this extraordinary young man! [ holds up his drink ] I am quite abuzz myself right now! Without further ado, “Biography” presents the story of Tiger Woods.
[ cut to visual image of a baby Tiger being held by his father Earl ]
Jack Perkins Voice-Over: If you want to know the story of TigerWoods, you need to know the story of his father, Earl Woods.. a man whoraised his son to be a.. champion! Earl Woods: Well, I pretty much knew that my son, Tiger, was going to be a professional golfer. When he was a baby, he would grab onto these little toy golf clubs we had gotten him, and swing them all around, to and fro, all the live-long day. He loved that little club.
Tiger Woods: My first concious memory.. is my father crazy-gluing this plastic golf club to my hands. His hair was all messed up, and he had this crazy look in his eye.
Earl Woods: One day I’ll never forget is the first time I took my little boy to the golf course. He was all, like, “Golf is great!” and “I love golf!” And I’ve never seen him so excited. I think that was the greatest day of his whole life.
Tiger Woods: That was the worst day of my whole life. Yeah, Dad, was in a really bad mood that day. He’d gone to the store to buy a recliner, and his credit card was turned down. On the way home, he pulled over next to a golf course and started crying. He told me I had to be a rich, professional golfer or my mother and him would starve. That had a big impact on me – even though I think he was just pretending to cry.
[ cut to Jack Perkins pouring another drink in the A&E Biography studio ]
Jack Perkins: Today’s my birthday! And I’m getting.. drunker! I guess you could say Earl was drunk with happiness, as he watched his son tear through the amateur ranks. But when Tigewr won the Masters last week, Earl was so happy, it made his earlier happiness seem.. not half as happy! This is true happiness.
Earl Woods: When Tiger was playing so good at the Masters, it was like a dream come true. He was getting the birdies and the eagles and the what-not, I was so proud!
Tiger Woods: When I was on the 18th green, putting on the last hole of the Masters, it was totally quiet except for my father, who kept saying, “Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!” Just like a cash register, you know? He was high-fiving everyone.. it was really embarrassing.
Earl Woods: Let me tell you something – Tiger Woods doesn’t justplay golf, he is golf. He’s a man of destiny and what-not.. he’s like another Gandhi.
Tiger Woods: When I bought my Dad a house, he was all, like, “Gee, thanks, Gandhi.” You know, real sarcastic-like. I guess he expected a bigger house, or something.
[ cut back to Jack Perkins sitting in the A&E Biography studio ]
Jack Perkins: “We’re running witthe shadows of the night. So,baby, take my hand we’ll be alright. Surrender all your dreams to metonight, they’ll all come true in the end.” That’s a song! It’s called “Shadows of the Night”, by Pat Benetar.. we should do a biography about her. But I bet we wont. I hope you enjoyed our look at Tiger Woods and his determined dad, Earl. For “Biography”, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-night!
[The animated Saturday TV Funhouse intro plays, with Lorne Michaels chasing after the dog, and then FADE to a residential street where two boys and another younger boy are playing. On the right, Willie dribbles a basketball; on the left, Butch is popping a wheelie on his bicycle.]
Butch: Hey, guys, look what I can do!
Willie: Hey, thats pretty neat!
Youngest Boy: Yeah!
[In a flash, Ace and Gary swoop down and land in the middle of the street.]
Ace: I wouldnt be so sure!
Willie and Butch: Huh?
[FADE to The Ambiguously Gay Duo opening sequence. The announcer speaks when it is finished.]
Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight, safety tips from: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
[FADE to Ace and Gary talking to the youngsters on the street.]
Ace: Willie, Butch… fun and safety can go hand-in-hand.
Willie: Wow! On our street! Ace and Gary!
Butch: I hear theyre fruits.
Willie: No way!
Gary: Kids, if you follow our tips, you can have a good time…
Ace: And a SAFE time.
Gary: Come along!
[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a tandem bike. Ace is in the lead, while Gary holds snugly onto his hips.]
Ace: Always ride on the right side of the street. [rings bell]
Gary: And signal when making turns! [signals turn with right arm]
Ace: Riding at night requires special attention. A reflector suit, like Garys here, ensures that youll be seen.
[Gary is wearing gold medallions across his chest and beltline, on his knees, and over his crotch.]
Butch: See what I mean?
Willie: That dont mean anything.
[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a motorbike in similar fashion.]
Ace: Older kids should be careful on motorbikes.
Gary: [wearing red helmet] Be sure to wear helmets!
[CUT to Butch putting a bicycle helmet.]
Ace: Attaboy, Butch!
[Ace pats Butch on the butt, and Butch looks at him in shock. CUT to Ace and Gary crossing the street together.]
Ace: Look both ways before crossing the street.
Gary: [takes Aces hand] And always hold hands with your buddy!
Ace: The buddy system should be used in all potentially unsafe situations, like swimming, bike riding, and showering.
Youngest Boy: Theyre gay, all right!
Willie: You dont even know what gay is!
Youngest Boy: Yeah, I do!
Ace: Lets go to your house.
[CUT to Ace and Gary on the living room floor. Holding an electric cord, Gary is on his hands and knees while Ace kneels behind him.]
Gary: Never pull out a plug by its cord!
Ace: Thats right, Gary. Grab the plug by the male end and stick it in the hole.
Gary: Just stick it in, and dont play with it!
Ace: Right. Dont pull it out, just leave it in. Got it?
Kids: [stunned] Yeah.
[CUT to all of them standing in the middle of the living room.]
Ace: Break the wall down between the living room and the dining room. It opens up the area, and gives a better sense of flow from one room to the other. But thats more a tip for your parents. [looks off to side] Hi, folks.
[CUT to a middle-aged couple peering very suspiciously through the doorway.]
Father: [softly] Uh… hi.
Ace: Lets go for a ride.
[CUT to the Duos genitalmobile, which Ace drives while the kids sit uneasily in the back seats.]
Ace: You may not be old enough to drive. But if youre a safe passenger, youve got a job to do.
[Gary leans over from the passenger seat and puts his head right over Aces crotch. They are seen from behind while Garys head bobs slightly up and down.]
Ace: Gary is making sure that the parking brake is in the proper release position. All clear, Gary?
Gary: [sits back in seat] Looking good!
[CUT to everyone standing in the Comissioners office.]
Commissioner: Fellas, I think these kids need to get back!
Ace: Hold on, Commissioner.
[Ace is holding Gary from behind, as though Gary is choking.]
Ace: See, kids, its called the Heimlich Maneuver. [squeezes Garys stomach]
Gary: Uhhh!
[The kids look at them suspiciously.]
Ace: Whats everybody looking at?
Youngest Boy: Youre gay!
Gary: Youll all be happy and gay if you follow our tips!
Ace: Were gay like a fox.
Commissioner: Okay, thats enough! Lets everyone go home, now!
[The kids walk slowly out of the office.]
Ace and Gary: [waving] See ya, kids!
Commissioner: [uncomfortably] Uh, thanks, Ace and Gary. We… all learned a lot.
Ace: Thank YOU, Commissioner. Say, want to practice some CPR?
[Gary lies down on the desk in front of the commissioner.]
Commissioner: No, I dont!
[FADE to Ace and Gary jumping into their genitalmobile and speeding off.]
Announcer: Play safe, and STAY safe! With…
Chorus: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
[ROLL credits and CUT to the slide reading, WRITTEN BY ROBERT SMIGEL. FADE to black on Lorne Michaels wrestling with the dog.]
[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]
Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.
Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” You heard it here first, gang: if you only seeone film the rest of your life, it should be “Jungle 2Jungle”!
Baltimore is a dirty, ugly city!
Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired of thePope?
There isn’t a better singer in the world than BozScaggs!
Sometimes I wonder if giving women the right to votewasn’t a huge mistake!
Of all the laws of nature, the most important one justmight be — gravity!
I don’t care what anyone says. In my book, EllenDeGeneres is not gay!
Two “must-dos” in Washington, D.C.: you must visit theHolocaust Museum and you must eat a corn dog atChirpy’s!
Actor Don Johnson: one class act!
I have no tolerance for people who commitrape.
Coca-Cola is a terrific cola but so isPepsi-Cola!
Does anybody remember yo-yos?
I am still not a fan of Muhammad Ali!
Announcer: This has been U.S.A. Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”
[Dressed in a frilly lavender halter jacket and a pink skirt, Pamela Lee walks onstage and claps along with the audience.]
Pamela Lee: WHOOOO!!! Nice to be here! Wow! Im here in New York! Its great! The Knicks just beat the Bulls! WHOOOO!!!
[riotous screams and cheers]
Pamela Lee: [breathing hard] Wow, you know, this is just, this is quite a departure for me to be on Saturday Night Live. Doing this comedy thing, you know, after having committed myself for so long to serious drama. [laughter] You know, I know a lot of people make fun of Baywatch, but its really an important show. Week in and week out, we attack the real problems threatening our nations beaches. You know, problems like pollution, diamond smuggling, buried treasure! Serious stuff!! [laughter] Wow, but I have to tell you, this live TV thing is just a completely different experience. Honestly, Im really very nervous. So my husband taught me–hes a musician–he told me a little trick about what to do if, if I start to feel nervous. He says that, um, a good way to put yourself at ease is to, um… [thinking hard] Oh, shoot, um… ohhhhh, oh, yeah, have the audience imagine that youre naked! Yeah! Thats what it is. Yep!
[Audience hoots and cheers as Pam takes off her jacket to reveal a bikini top with pink feathers on the cups.]
Pamela Lee: So, so, if you could just, uh, imagine me naked, that would help me out tremendously. Itd be great. Are you imagining me naked?
Guys in audience: YEAH!!
Pamela Lee: You know what, its not working. Maybe what he said is that, um, you know, if youre nervous onstage, you actually should BE naked! Yeah!! Okay! You know what? Im gonna take this off…
[The audience hoots and cheers again as Pamela strips off her bikini and skirt. Her body is blurred out.]
Pamela Lee: Thats better! [fidgets with skirt clasp] Okay, all right, thats where it is. NOW were talkin! Thank you, thank you!
[riotous screams and cheers]
Pamela Lee: Whoooo! This is really loosening me up! This is great! Wow! Wow. Wow!! Loosening me up.
Guys in audience: You go, Pam!
Pamela Lee: Now you really see what Im doing here tonight. You know, showing my top to the world is an exciting step toward developing me as a mature actress. At any rate, I feel free, you know, I feel free. You guys can get naked! We have a great show tonight! The Rollins Band is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, well be right back!
[FADE to black as audience continues cheering heartily.]
David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney Robert De Niro…..Alec Baldwin
[ Band finishes playing as Letterman wipes something off his desk ]
David Letterman: Alright. Alright, welcome back to the big show folks! You came on a good night, Robert De Niro is with us. So Paul, uh, Paul, yesterday I pile the wife and kids into the station wagon, we go out to dinner, and, uh, on the way there
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, uhh, how are the kids?
David Letterman: What’s that, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: How…how are the kids?
David Letterman: Oh oh, well, thanks for asking. The little one’s got a touch of the flu but he’s good. So anyway, we’re at the Red Lobster there, Paul, and I’m enjoying what I always get there. You know what I always get. The, uhh, the Fisherman’s Platter?
[ Paul laughs ]
David Letterman: [ laughs ] Yeah. So this, so this waiter comes to our table, Paul, and he’s one of those real oily guys. You know those kinds of guys? Real oily? He looks right at me and gives me one of these. Like, uhh: [ doing impression ] “Ehh, uhh, you enjoying your shrimp? Ehh, you enjoying your shrimp?”
[ Paul and Letterman laugh ]
Paul Shaffer: So, ahh, he wanted to know if you enjoyed your shrimp. Yeah, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, that’s right. [ laughs ] “Ehh, you enjoy your shrimp?” [ hi-pitched laugh ] Well, folks, in a couple seconds Robert De Niro will be out here and a little later on from “Nash Bridges”, the lovely Jodie O’Keith. Do you, do you enjoy the “Nash Bridges”, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, yeah, “Nash Bridges”, good, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s a great program, you know? It’s got the guy from “Miami Vice” there, you’ve got your, uhh, Doug Johnson on there on it.
Paul Shaffer: That’s, uhh, Don Johnson.
David Letterman: Yeah, well, whatever, anyway. He’s good. And you know who else they got now, apparently? Cheech from “Cheech and Chong”. He’s on the show as well.
Paul Shaffer: Oh yeah, Cheech, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah.
Paul Shaffer: Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, he plays the sidekick. And you know, I was thinking about this this afternoon, Paul, and that seems a little silly to me, you know, when you think about you. When you’re making your serious crime drama, you don’t want to cast Cheech. That seems, you know. You know who they should have gotten for that role, don’t you Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, who’s that?
David Letterman: Well, they should have got Chong. [ laughs long and high into a sigh ] Chong. [ laughs ] You imagine such a thing, Paul, Chong?! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, tonight we got a great program. Bonnie Raitt will be on the show and Jesus, every time she’s here she blows the roof off the joint. And Paul? Why wouldn’t they use Chong on the show, when you think about it?
Paul Shaffer: I…I don’t know. I don’t know.
David Letterman: Yeah, I don’t know either. I…I think that’s a mistake! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, we couldn’t be more thrilled to have our first guest here on the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves, Robert De Niro!
[ Music plays as De Niro walks out holding a glass of scotch and smoking a cigar. Letterman shakes his hand and leads him to a seat ]
David Letterman: Oh gosh, Robert, I can’t tell you how great it is to have you on the program. All the work you’ve done over the years is just top notch. It must make you very happy, huh?
Robert De Niro: Lil’ bit, lil’ bit. Yeah.
David Letterman: Well, now Robert, tells us about your new film “Marvin’s Room”.
Robert De Niro: I like the band. The band’s good. The band’s good.
David Letterman: You, you enjoy the band, do you? Well, now, let me tell you this, Robert, uhh, I saw “Marvin’s Room” and I have to tell you it’s a fine piece of work. Robert? It’s got a great cast. You’ve got, you’ve got Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton. Oh, and you know who I particularly enjoyed in the film was uhh, was uhh.. Chong!
Robert De Niro: Yeah, he was good. He’s very good. That he is. He’s good.
[ Letterman laughs ]
David Letterman: You hear that Paul? He enjoys Chong!
[ Letterman and Paul laugh again ]
Robert De Niro: You two have a good time, I’ll give you that. You know, it reminds me of the time Marty and I, Marty and I were making “Taxi Driver”, we were filming “Taxi Driver” and Marty turns to me, he says…
David Letterman: Oh oh, let me guess! He probably said this, he probably, “Ehh, you enjoying the shrimp? Ehh, you enjoy the shrimp?” [ laughs ] Hey hey! You know who I’ll bet really enjoyed the shrimp? Chong! [laughs longer and harder, eventually becoming a hard coughing fit ] Ohh! Ahh!
Robert De Niro: Dave, I watch your show all the time, and I got a little surprise for you.
David Letterman: Oh oh, what’s that there, Robert?
Robert De Niro: I watch your show all the time, I’m familiar with the format, so I’ve got my own Top Ten list and I’d like to do it for you.
David Letterman: Oh, by all means. That would be great.
[ Music plays as De Niro takes the list out of his pocket ]
Robert De Niro: Top Ten Reasons You Should See My New Movie, “Marvin’s Room”. Number 10… [ drumroll starts ] I don’t care for that, turn that off. [ drumroll stops ] Keep it off. Number 10: See “Marvin’s Room”. Number 9: Like I said, see “Marvin’s Room”. Number 8: See it already! Number 7: See “Marvin’s Room”! Be a man! Be a man! Number 6: “Marvin’s Room”. I’ve heard things! I heard some things about “Marvin’s Room”! Number 5: Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
(Opens with a bunch of Tina Turner’s fans getting their autographs from the legendary rock singer in her dressing room. Roger comes in with an earpiece on to chase the fans out of the dressing room)
Roger: (Australian accent) Ok, mates. Thanks for coming but Tina’s got to be on her way! (into the mic) The bird’s about to fly. Clearing sector G. Let’s go! Come on!
(The fans move out of the dressing room. Only one very excited fan stays with Tina Turner while she signs an autograph)
Excited Fan: I love you Miss Turner!! I have all your Cd’s and I just want you to know that I support your decision to leave your husband. [cries] You are so strong! You are so strong! Oh, my God! You are so strong!
[Roger puts her on a choke hold]
Roger: Ok, let’s clear the perimeter! Break a leg. You know what I’m talking about.
[Roger opens the dressing room door]
Excited Fan: Oh, Tina!
[Roger throws her out with a single push and closes the door]
Roger: Sorry about that, Tin. Your car’s outside. Whenever you’re ready, foxy lady.
Tina Turner: Ok, Rog. Be a second.
Roger: [into mic] Room is clear, T.T. Locked and loaded, over![leaves]
[Tina opens her closet and Mary Katherine Gallagher in her catholic high school uniform falls out]
Tina Turner: Whoa!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [gets up quick] Mary Kathrine Gallagher! [shakes hand with Tina]
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I know you’re Tina Turner. You’re Tina Turner, legendary songstress and legendary diva. Originally born in Tennessee in the little old town of Nutbush formerly of the Ike & Tina review, now currently a solo artist traveling the world in the Tina Turner’s “Wildest Dreams” tour which is being sponsored by Hanes Hosiery for ladies.
Tina Turner: You know a lot about me, Mary.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yep, I do. And I also, I’ve seen the movie “What’s love got to do with it” 30 times and I, and you know what?
Tina Turner: What?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I don’t know what’s love got to do with it.
Tina Turner: Well…
[Roger comes in, fans yell for Tina, Roger closes the door]
Roger: [into the mic] Red alert! Red alert! Foxtrot, Alpha, Bravo! [grabs Mary’s arm]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait, hold on!
Tina Turner: Roger, just one second here. Mary, I have to get dressed right now. But it was very nice to meet you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.
Roger: Ok, four eyes, your little escapade is over. Come on!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait a second, wait a second! I just want to say one thing! Um, miss Tina Turner, I want to be a singer just like you.
Tina Turner: Yeah?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…
Roger: [puts Mary on a headlock] All right! That’s enough, you jackeroo! [into the mic] Code yellow, situation under control.
Tina Turner: Roger, Roger! One second here. Let me just have a second with Mary. All right?
Roger: [lets go of Mary] Righty-o, Tina. But I’m right outside if a situation develops.
[Roger leaves, fans plead for autographs outside the door, Roger closes the door]
Tina Turner: Mary, come over here. You know Mary, that was kind of dangerous, sneaking into someone’s dressing room. I could’ve called the police.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean, the fuzz?
[Mary puts her hands under her armpits]
Tina Turner: Yes. What are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms and then [smells her fingers] I smell ’em like that.[sniffs] That’s really gross.
Tina Turner: No, no. Its all right. Mary, come over here for a second. Come over to this mirror. You know what I see in that mirror? Mary? [Tina and Mary look in the mirror] I see a very pretty girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean in this mirror here?
Tina Turner: In that mirror there.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Really?
Tina Turner: Yes. Now take your hands from under your armpits and come over here. And relax, relax, relax. Ok? Now Mary, I want you to concentrate. I want you to feel deep inside of yourself.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No. My grandmother said that I’m not supposed to do that.
Tina Turner: That’s ok, ok Mary. See, what I want you to do is try to concentrate. Because that person that you got hidden inside, I want you to do that.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can’t.
Tina Turner: Yes, you can. Try to concentrate and I want you to tell me who you are. Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Who am I?
Tina Turner: Yes! Who are you? Tell me, Mary! Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings Tina’s hit Private Dancer] I’m your Private Dancer, a dancer for money, I’ll do what you want me to do….
Tina Turner: That’s it, Mary! You got it! That’s a good girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [more forceful, just like Tina] I’m your private dancer! A dancer for money, any old music will do!
Tina Turner: Yes, you got it! Yes, yes!
[Hit “Proud Mary” plays]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [excited she sings] Big wheel keep on turnin’…
Tina Turner: Whooo!!
Tina and Mary: Proud Mary keep on burnin’!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [jumps on a chair, imitates Tina’s moves] Rollin’!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’, rollin’ on a river!!
Tina Turner: One more time!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’ on a river!
Tina Turner: Oh, yeah!!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Rollin’!
[Mary jumps back and crashes on top of a table smashing it to pieces]
This May–nature unleashes her ultimate fury–right in your own backyard!
(cut to family in living room, as the Dad tries in vain to get the TV to work)
: That’s funny–the cable’s out!
Mom: Guess we’ll have to call the company…(thunderclap) what’s that noise?
(Dad goes to the window to investigate)
Dad: Oh, God no…
Daughter: (frightened) Daddy?
Mom: Hank, what is it?
Dad: It’s everywhere…
Mom: What is it?
Dad: Carol–get the kids into the closet! (family remains rooted to the floor) Do it–NOW!
Mom: Oh, my God! It’s…IT’S….
VO: …RAIN (shot of titlecard)–they said it would never happen—“never” is NOW!
(cut to Mom and Dad, as their ceiling starts to leak)
(thunderclap)
Mom: (hysterical) It’s in the HOUSE!!!!!
Dad: GET A BUCKET!
(Mom grabs a bucket and holds it under the leak. Dad rushes to grab a pot, the kids–still in the closet–grab cereal bowls and hold them under the leaks. A leak springs right over the cat’s head)
VO: Imagine, billions of droplets of pure water–and scream! (cut to “Rain” titlecard) RAIN–The Sky is Falling–On You!
(house is now dark–the power has gone out. Mom, who seems to be in shock, is rocking back and forth, singing to herself in a baby voice:)
Mom: “Rain, rain..go away…..”
VO: RAIN (thunderclap) this May, there’s a 50 to 60% chance–of TERROR
(cut to mom and dad at the window)
Dad: Oh, my God!
Mom: (crying) Whaaat?
Dad: Grandpa’s still out there–he’s got a suede suit on!!!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Kenneth Starr] In a startling reversal,Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOTresign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that nowhe intends to stay on until the investigation iscompleted. This new development apparently did nottrouble a confident President Clinton [Photo of BillClinton] who still plans to resume making conjugalvisits to Susan MacDougal. [Photo of handcuffed SusanMacDougal]
[Side-by-side photos of Madeline Albright and BorisYeltsin] This week in Moscow, Secretary of StateMadeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsinsat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATOexpansion. On emerging from what was described as atense meeting, Ms. Albright said, quote, “For this Itraveled five thousand miles, to meet with somedrunken meshuggah? On my worst enemy I wouldn’t wishthis.”
[Photo of John Huang] Meanwhile, the Indogate scandalcontinues to widen. Internal Democratic NationalCommittee records now show that fundraiser John Huangwas responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmento the White House for a $180,000 “coffee” with thePresident. That works out to $90,000 for a cup ofcoffee, although, in the President’s defense, thecoffee was Starbucks. … [mild reaction from crowd soNorm explains] Starbucks is a little pricey.
[Photo of Janet Reno] Also this week in Washington,several prominent Democrats joined Republicans inpleading with Attorney General Janet Reno toinvestigate fundraising abuses. And also toshave.
[Photo of Fred Goldman] At a book signing in New Yorkthis week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forgetthe millions owed to him by O. J. Simpson, if he wouldsimply admit to the Brentwood murders. [Photo ofsmiling O. J. Simpson] A visibly annoyed O. J.responded, “Why in the world would I do that, when Ihave no intention of paying you anyway?”
[Graphic of dollar bill and commercial airliner withtext reading PRICE WAR] After American Airlinesdecided this week to cut fares by fifty percent, thefour other major airlines said they would match thebargain ticket prices. Also fighting to staycompetitive, discount carrier ValuJet [ValuJetcorporate logo] announced that it will now acceptstolen credit cards and bad checks.
[Photo of masked pop singer Michael Jackson] MichaelJackson has reportedly stepped right into his new roleas a dad, spending many hours a day with his newbornson, doing the changing, the burping, even thebreast-feeding, so … That’s nice when a – when afellow does that, you know?
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonee High School aredesperately fighting efforts by the politicallycorrect to change their team nickname, “the Indians.”Already opponents of the name have rejected thestudents’ first compromise, “the Drunken Indians.” …They feel that’s almost worse in a way, youknow?
[Photo of a cow] “Bessie the Cow,” the most famousbovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in”Ripley’s Believe It or Not” after giving birth to hertenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made “Ripley’s”under the category “Least Original Name for a Cow.”
[Photo of Jack Kevorkian] And, finally, in medicalnews there are reports that suicide doctor JackKevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian putit: “I always said I’d quit the day it stopped beingfun.”
Norm MacDonald: Now, ladies and gentlemen, themoment we’ve all been waiting for here — the King ofAll Media, Howard Stern!
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to radiopersonality Howard Stern seated next to Norm. Theyshake hands.]
Howard Stern: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Thankyou. Thank you. You know – you know, a lot of peopleare wondering what I’m doin’ here tonight and quitefrankly I’m wondering what I’m doin’ here as well.Actually, I’m, uh, on the road promoting my new movie– it’s opening up March 7th, it’s called “PrivateParts” — I want to invite all of America to come seeit. That’s what I’m doin’ here ’cause, quite frankly,I – I, uh… [Norm chuckles] I didn’t want to comehere tonight.
Norm MacDonald: You didn’t want to comehere?
Howard Stern: Well, I’m here under the guisethat I’m the, actually, the, uh– What would you callme?
Norm MacDonald: You’re the televisioncritic!
Howard Stern: Television critic! What a lamepremise. But, uh, yes, I’m the Television Critic and Imust tell you that I’m here to review Saturday NightLive. And I’m here to say that I think that ninetypercent of Saturday Night Live sucks. Uh, the sketchesare kind of weak, I think we’ll all agree. I think theonly good thing on Saturday Night Live is Norm –quite frankly, that’s why I’m here. [applause, Normgrins] He loves when I say that.
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I – I feel, like, I – Ifeel bashful when you say that.
Howard Stern: [not convinced] Oh, really?! So,anyway, no, Norm is, uh – Norm is the fun aspect ofthis thing and I– You know, they even asked me to doa couple of sketches…
Norm MacDonald: [encouragingly] Yeah,yeah!
Howard Stern: … and I refused. Well, itdidn’t go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. Sowhat I said to them was, tell you what, you haveKathie Lee and Regis. And they’re talkin’ about me andthey’re saying bad stuff about me and, you know,Kathie Lee’s like “I can’t believe he has a moviecomin’ out and all this and – and he makes fun of Codyand calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Codygrows up to be like a gay senator or something…” andit’s – it’s all wrong so I figured, while they’rebad-mouthing me, I come in disguise as Fartman, mysuperhero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee’s headoff. And this would have been a great sketch. [cheers]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Howard Stern: You know what I mean? But theytold me that I couldn’t do it because they didn’t haveenough time to make, uh, Kathie Lee’s head explode,you know. So, then I said, what if we do a sketchwhere, me as Fartman, I come into Elizabeth Taylor’shospital room and while I’m in there I just blow thattumor right out of her head. And she’s in a coma andthe tumor just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz,when she wakes up, grabs the tumor thinking it’schocolate and eats it. Be a phenomenal sketch! But,anyway, they wouldn’t let me do any of this outrageousstuff, so I’m here to behave myself basically and justpromote my movie. So what I thought I’d do tonight,Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from mymovie, “Private Parts.”
Norm MacDonald: That’d be cool.
Howard Stern: This is me, take a look at this,this is me when I’m a young disc jockey. I looked alot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, asopposed to my Louis XIV look that I have now. And itwas the first time while I was in Hartford and acelebrity actually came on to me. I mean, she invitedme up to her hotel room and I want to show that rightnow, if you don’t mind. So take a look at this clip,this is from “Private Parts” the movie, March 7th. Goahead.
[“Private Parts” movie clip: in a hotel room, abig-haired sexy starlet in a short sparkling dressescorts young Howard Stern to a sofa.]
Starlet: Sit down.
Young Howard Stern: [off the room] Nice.[Howard sits]
Starlet: I’ll be right back.
Young Howard Stern: Okay. [watches her walkinto the bathroom, turn the light on, remove hershoes]
Fred Norris: [Howard’s sound effects guy, at awet bar, to Howard] Hey, man. Free drinks. [startsfixing a drink]
Young Howard Stern: [clears his throat, watchesstarlet run bath water, murmurs quietly] What the hellis she doing?
Fred Norris: I think she’s running thebath.
[Both men watch as the starlet unzips the back of herdress]
Young Howard Stern: Oh, my God, man. She’staking her clothes off.
Fred Norris: I guess she forgot to close thedoor.
Young Howard Stern: She’s a Hollywood actress,they have a lot on their mind.
[Returning from the clip, we find Norm and Howardpeering at the off screen monitor and sevenbikini-clad women making out with each other behindthe WU desk.]
Howard Stern: Well, there it is! [some of thewomen start running their hands sensuously over Howardand Norm] That’s a clip from the movie “Private Parts”– I think everybody’s gonna love it. I suggest you goto the theater and, quite frankly, it’s a verysensitive love story between me and my wife. And yousee what’s going on here, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure.
Howard Stern: A lot of this kind of stuff isn’tin my movie at all. [one woman drops into Howard’slap, women swarm all over Norm and Howard]
Norm MacDonald: Is there any of it atall?
Howard Stern: Well, some of this kind of stuffis in my movie but it’s not all of this kind ofstuff.
Norm MacDonald: [woman climbs into Norm’s lap]All right, Howard.
Howard Stern: And you’re really going to loveit. I want everybody to go to the theaters. It’s me asa disc jockey coming on and becoming The King of AllMedia. I think you’re gonna love it. Good night,everybody!
Norm MacDonald: Howard Stern, folks!
[Norm waves goodbye from beneath a couple of women,one of whom is trying to remove his jacket. Applause.Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
Don Wong…..Jim Breuer Reggie Owens…..Tracy Morgan Mr. Fox…..Alec Baldwin Sarah…..Cheri Oteri French Maid…..Molly Shannon
1970’s ADULT FILM MUSIC PLAYS
A montage of photographs shows DON WONG & REGGIE OWENS posing with attractive adult films actresses from the 1970’s.
Announcer (V/O): Don Wong and Reggie Owens were two of the biggest porn stars in the 70’s. But their increasing disgust with the lifestyle led them to turn their back on the porn industry in an attempt to lead decent, honorable lives. This is their story… Wong & Owens — Ex-Porn Stars.
SUPER: Wong & Owens Ex-Porn Stars.
INT. OFFICE — MORNING
Don & Wong stand side-by-side. Both dressed in 1970’s clothing.
Don Wong: Man, we got to get it right this time. One more screw-up and the employment agency’s going to drop us.
Reggie Owens: Man, we got to get it right. I’m never going back to porn movies! Never!
MR. FOX, early 40’s, slicked back hair with blazer and polo shirt, ENTERS.
Mr. Fox: Good morning gentleman. It’s nice to meet you. You come highly recommended. I have only one piece of advice for you, guys — I am a born again Christian and I don’t want to force my beliefs on you. I expect you to behave in a decent Christian manner while working in the office. Now Sarah, will show you guys what you’ll be doing…
ENTER SARAH, early 30’s, brown business suit.
Sarah: Sure, sure. Hi, I’m Sarah. Don’t mind Mr. Fox… He does that all the time. So…
Sarah points to Don then Reggie.
Sarah: Don and… Reggie?
Reggie Owens: Yeah. Reginald Owens.
Sarah: I’m Sarah. Don, why don’t you start by sharpening those pencils for Mr. Fox? And Reggie, you come with me.
Don moves to a desk to sharpen pencils. Sarah leads Reggie to another desk. She and Reggie pick each up an envelope.
Sarah: Reggie, you’ll be stuffing these envelopes with our monthly billing requests. And when you stuff it, just lick it, and press it firmly.
Reggie Owens: Like this?
Reggie licks the envelope incorrectly. Sarah chuckles.
Sarah: No, no. Don’t be afraid to get it really wet.
Sarah licks her envelope in a correct manner.
Reggie Owens: Oh I like to get it wet.
PORN MUSIC BEGINS. Reggie starts to unbutton the lower buttons on his shirt.
Sarah: What?
A RECORD SCRATCH OFF SCREEN
Reggie Owens: I mean the envelopes. I lick envelopes really good.
Sarah: All right. I’m going to see how your friends doing.
Sarah trails off while Reggie licks envelopes. Don holds an electric pencil sharpener and inspects every angle. Sarah comes to his side.
Don Wong: Yo ma’am – I can’t work this doo-hickey over here.
Sarah takes the sharpener away from Don, who takes a seat.
Sarah: Here let me help you. Don’t be afraid to stick it all the way in there.
Sarah inserts a pencil into the sharpener.
Sarah: Go deep and hard. In and out.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Don rises from his seat, unzips his bell bottoms and unbuttons his top shirt buttons.
Don Wong: Yeah I’m going to go in and out.
Sarah: What are you doing!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Don Wong: Nothing. This is all I know. The pencils…
Don takes a seat and starts sharpening pencils.
Don Wong: I got it.
Sarah scurries over to Reggie, who’s licking envelopes.
Sarah: Your friend is weird. How are the envelopes coming?
Reggie Owens: Pretty good.
Sarah: No Reggie.
Sarah picks up an envelope.
Sarah: Get your tongue on there really good and just wiggle back and forth — like this.
Sarah wiggles her tongue fast on the adhesive area. Reggie rises from his seat and grabs hold of Sarah. His force moves Sarah to walk backward toward the center of the office.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Reggie Owens: I’ll go back and forth all night. I’m the wiggle king.
Sarah: What are you doing?
Don joins Reggie. Reggie’s chest’s exposed and Don’s unzipping his bell-bottoms.
Both: We like to wiggle it.
Sarah: Why!!?? Stop it!!
Mr. Fox bolts from his office.
Mr. Fox: What the hell is going on here!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Both: We’re sorry! We’re sorry!
Don Wong: This is all we know.
Mr. Fox: Owens in my office! You too, Don! Pronto!
Sarah leaves. Don & Reggie follow Mr. Fox into his office.
INT. MR FOX’S OFFICE
Mr. Fox seats himself at his desk. Don & Reggie take seats across from him.
Mr. Fox: What was that all about!?
Don Wong: Sir, I’m going to level with you. Me and Reggie here… back in the 70’s; we did adult films, man.
Don Wong: You got to believe us, sir. We’re just trying to work things out.
Mr. Fox: I’m going to let you boys in on a little secret. In the early 70’s I myself used to work in adult films. You may remember me as Captain Monster Rod Von Huge-En-Stein?
Reggie Owens: You’re Von Huge-En-Stein!?
Don Wong: Porn royalty!
Mr. Fox: You’re no slouches yourselves. You’re Wong and Owens. I know it’s hard to forget about the life and I sympathize with your struggles. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, you can put the life behind you.
Don Wong: I can dig it.
All share a 1970’s handshake. A scantily clad FRENCH MAID ENTERS.
French Maid: I’m here for the cleaning. Where do you want me to start?
Mr. Fox: Hold back fellas — Huge-En-Stein is back!!
