Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

TV Funhouse

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The X-Presidents!

[ show X-Presidents at golf tournament ]

Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!

Gerald Ford! [ spins through a brick wall ]

Jimmy Carter! [ kicks giant ant ]

Ronald Reagan! [ throws fireball at terrorist with gun ]

George Bush! [ shoots bow and arrow to lasso an alien ]

Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earthling and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.

X-Presidents!

[ cut to exterior Brazilian mansion, Vice-President Al Gore in attendance with Brazilian government officials ]

Al Gore: This is a wonderful surprise, El Presidnete! I’m delighted that you want to host another environmental summit.

Brazilian Official: Si, vice-President Gore! In Brazil, we believe in preserving nature.

[ Gore steps in front of a tree with branches outstretched ]

Al Gore: I can see, by your wonderful flora! [ suddenly, the tree comes to life and scoops Gore up in its branch-arms ] Hey!

[ the Brazilian government officials lift their masks to reveal that they are alien beings ]

Head Alien: Ha ha! Stupid Earthling! We will use you to lure your foolish president!

Al Gore: [ struggling to free himself ] Try the X-Presidents. [ presses the X-Presidents signal on his watch ]

[ a signal beams toward a mysterious volcano. Inside, X-President Jimmy Carter mans a control board, with screens revealing the whereabouts of Ford, Reagan, and Bush. ]

Jimmy Carter: Vice-President, Condition Red. Rendezvous Sector: C for Charlie, A for Astro, D for Double.

Ronald Reagan: Let’s roll.

Gerald Ford: Roger.

George Bush: Wilco.

Announcer: Within minutes: from land — [ Ford flies above golf course ] sea — [ Reagan swims across ocean ] and air — [ Bush parachutes downward, then flies across to join Reagan, Ford, and Carter in the X-Presidents jet ] the brave chief executive warriors join forces.

[ cut back to a pair of the evil trees tossing Gore between them, as the aliens relay their scheme ]

Head Alien: Ha ha ha! Disguised as your platform, we will poison your puny environment!

Alien: Planet H-41 will rule!

[ suddenly, the X-Presidents come crashing in ]

Head Alien: [ with fists clenched ] The X-Presidents!

George Bush: Read my lips: your ass is grass!

[ Bush goes mano-a-mano against an alien, and KO’s him ]

Ronald Reagan: [ waves his fists in front of an evil bush ] Just say No.. to pissing me off! [ punches the bush and wraps a branch around it ]

Head Alien: Activate the Magno-beam!

[ the Magno-beam is turned on and pointed at the X-Presidents, who wince upon being hit ]

Head Alien: Ha! You Earthlings are too weak to reject its evil essence!

Jimmy Carter: I.. only feel the malaise..

George Bush: Hold on, Jerry..

Gerald Ford: I.. must.. destroy! [ begins knocking down trees as the evil foliage watches with glee ] I.. must.. destroy! I.. must.. destroy!!

Ronald Reagan: Ford.. foreign policy.. weak! Got to.. summon.. help!

[ Reagan flips the re-animating button ]

Announcer: Flipping the re-animating button, President Reagan sends a signal to Yorba Linda, California, where help is waiting.

[ the signal reaches the tomb of Richard Nixon, whose ghost bursts outward ]

Richard Nixon: I am not a crook! I’m a killing machine! [ the ghost of Checkers the dog bursts out behind Nixon ] Checkers! Away! [ they fly to the rescue ]

Ronald Reagan: Bush! Track down and break up the Magno-beam’s source! Carter! Hold off the trees ’til Nixon gets here!

[ Nixon flies in ]

Richard Nixon: Let me make this perfectly clear cut!

[ Nixon spins among the evil trees and slices them in half ]

[ Nixon them flies into the group of aliens holding onto the Magno-beam ]

Richard Nixon: Sock it! To me?!

[ the aliens take a tumble into the path of the Magno-beam, and they explode ]

Richard Nixon: A-wayyyyyy!!!

[ Nixon flies back to his tomb, as the X-Presidents wave farewell ]

[ dissolve to the Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: You, and X-President Nixon, have bailed us out once again.

Ronald Reagan: History will surely look kindly on him, now.

Gerald Ford: Sorry I got a little out of control, back there.

President Bill Clinton: That’s okay, Mr. Ford. We grant you a full pardon!

[ Clinton and the X-Presidents laugh ]

[ dissolve to the X-Presidents playing instruments and singing in the style of The Archies ]

X-Presidents: [ singing ]
“Let’s all get together, be happy now
Let’s all get together, be true!
I don’t want to fight with your country any more
Let’s sit down, negotiate!

I had a girl, she wouldn’t sign my treaty
I said, “I opened Red China, baby listen to me!”

Come on!

Let’s all get together, be happy now
Let’s talk it out until we turn blue!
Let’s not leave this table with nothing, nowI just want to say I made progress with you!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Goodnights

…..Rob Lowe

Rob Lowe: Hey! Thanks to Robert De Niro – how about that? And Joe Pesci.

[ The Spice Girls climb all over Rob Lowe, chanting their group’s name in a feeble attempt to plug themselves ]

And The Spice Girls! And my cast! Matthew, John Owen – I love you! Thanks for coming – good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Keds

[ Music Over: “Revolution”, The Beatles ]

[ multiple flash shots of Marshall Applewhite and the dead Heaven’s Gate cultists are shown from inside their compound. All close-up shots reveal that they are wearing Nike sneakers. ]

[ SUPER: “Keds. Worn by level headed Christians.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Rob Lowe’s Monologue

…..Rob Lowe

Rob Lowe: Thanks! Thanks! God, it’s great to be back here! I mean, the last time that I hosted this show was back in 1990, and there was just so much going on then, that it turns out I left my diary here. Yeah. And today, one of the prop guys gave it back to me. So, now, I kept this diary all through the 1980’s, and I thought it might be fun if I took a look back to see what I was up to then. Shall we?

“June 4th, 1984. It’s my first day of shooting on “The Outsiders”. I’m working with these actors named Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon and Tom Cruise. Let me tell you, this pack of no-names is gonna be out of the business in five years. There is, however, this kid named C. Thomas Howell. I think we’ll be hearing big things from him. P.S.: Irene Cara broke up with me. She returned my Katrina & The Waves album, so that was good.”

“October 3rd, 1985. I’m in my trailer on the set of “St. Elmos’ Fire”, going over the script. If, in the next scene, Judd Nelson flips his collar up, I think I’m gonna flip mine up, too. I went to see U2 at Red Rocks. They have so much integrity, they’llnever sell out.”

“January 12th, 1986. I’m depressed, because last night at a Flock of Seagulls concert, Corey Hart spilled a Kamikazee on my parachute pants.”

“March 11th, 1986. I have been in bed for days, because Andrew McCarthy beat me out for the lead in the movie “Mannequin”. That movie is gonna be the next “Godfather”.”

“November 12th, 1986. I played ColecoVision all night with the Thompson Twins. I think one of them stole my Rubik’s Cube.”

“January 12th, 1987. Last night, I got in a fight with Salami from “The White Shadow”. I was gonna punch his face in, but then it got broken up by the keyboard player from Scritti Politti.”

“August, 1988. I’m at the Democratic National Convention. I’m on my way to the Youth For Dukakis Rally. It promises to be a night I’ll never forget.”

That’s all we have time for, I’m afraid. We have a great show tonight, the Spice Girls are here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Marshall Applewhite…..Will Ferrell
Cult Member #1…..Tim Meadows
Cult Member #2…..Jim Breuer
Zantar…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.

Ted Koppel: Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition of “Nightline”, where we’re following a truly extraordinary breaking story. We’re all familiar by now with the story of Marshall Applewhite and the Heaven’s Gate cult – 39 lost souls following a deranged pied piper to an untimely end. Or so it seemed, until two days ago when ABC News began receiving strange microwave transmissions from deep space. With the help of NASA scientists, at 11:00 this evening, we were able to decipher these signals, and so nowe, live via satellite from the alien spacecraft, is alien cult leader Marshall Applewhite.

[ monitor image fades in and out until we see Marshall Applewhite and members of his cult cheering while surrounded by aliens inside a spaceship ]

Marshall Applewhite: We made it!! We made it!!

Ted Koppel: Marshall Applewhite, I take my hat off to you, you were right about everything – the comet, the spaceship, everything. Congratulations on a job well done.

Marshall Applewhite: Well, Ted, I really appreciate that. But I gotta tell you, when I set down that glass of Phenabarbatol, I had a moment of “Marshall! Not good!” But I knew then it was Go-Time, so I said, “What the hell?” and rolled the dice, and guess what? We came out on top, and it feels pretty darn good, right gang?

Cult Member #1: I just want to give a shout out to all my homies back at the “Deep Space Nine” fan club!

Ted Koppel: How have you been getting along with your alien hosts aboard the spacecraft?

Marshall Applewhite: They have just been wonderful! Their hospitality, fantastic! Of course, their food leaves a little something to be desired! [ laughs ] When Zantar’s wife makes her space casserole, I wish I could kill myself again! [ Zantar zaps him with a prod ] I’m just kidding, Zantar! Actually, his wife has been incredible!

Ted Koppel: Uh-huh.. alright. So, this whole killing yourself thing has really turned out to be a home run for you. Tell me, are there any regrets?

Marshall Applewhite: Yeahhh.. the castration thing.. I was way off on that one, Ted! It turns out it had nothing to do with anything. In fact, when we got here, everyone just looked at me like, “Applewhite, you nutball!”

Cult Member #2: Yeah, but he’s our nutball!

Cult Member #1: “Deep Space Nine”!

Ted Koppel: Marshall Applewhite, what are your plans for the future?

Marshall Applewhite: We’re not gonna mess with a good thing, Ted. We’re just gonna keep on folloing this comet around and partying.

Zantar: [ starts chanting ]

Marshall Applewhite: Oh, by the way, Ted, Zantar wanted to say something to yourviewers.. if that’s alright?

Zantar: [ starts reading something unintelligible ]

Marshall Applewhite: [ laughs ] It’s upside-down! [ flips Zantor’s card over for him ]

Zantar: [ starts over ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
Jermaine Allensworth…..Tracy Morgan

[ an American flag is shown announcing the end of the broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O: That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O: Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements: “Perspectives”, with your host, Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne: Good morning! It’s Sunday, 4:52 in the A.M, and that means it’s time for “Perspectives”! I’m your host, Lionel Osbourne. We have a very special guest on our show today. He is basball rookie Jermaine Allensworth, and he’s here to talk about the 50th anniversary celebration of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier. Welcome, Jermaine!

Jermaine Allensworth: It’s good to be here, Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne: Alright. Now, you are a major league baseball player.

Jermaine Allensworth: Yes. This is my first year in the big leagues, and I thank Jackie robinson for that opportunity. I mean, without him I’d probably be pumping gas somewhere.

Lionel Osbourne: Mmm-hmm! And you play for which team?

Jermaine Allensworth: The Pittsburgh Pirates.

Lionel Osbourne: I see. [ to the camera ] If you’re just joining us, it’s 4:54 in the A.M., and you’re watching “Perspectives.” With us is Jermaine Allenswoeth, who plays for the Pittsburgh Pirates. [ to Jermaine ] Now, that’s in Pennsylvania, right?

Jermaine Allensworth: Yes.

Lionel Osbourne: Mmm-hmm. P.A.!

Jermaine Allensworth: Yeah.

Lionel Osbourne: Now, I understand you were personally affected by Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier?

Jermaine Allensworth: Yes, Lionel. Me, and every other African-American player, coach, and manager. Jackie Robinson forced us and society to judge an athlete by his ability rather than the color of his skin.

Lionel Osbourne: Absolutely! So, what was it like to play with a great outfielder like Jackie Robinson?

Jermaine Allensworth: Uh, I-I never played with Jackie Robinson. He died before I was even born.

Lionel Osbourne: Ter-rif-ic! Now, I understand that, uh, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. Were there are black ball players in the major leagues before Jackie Robinson?

Jermaine Allensworth: No. Uh-uh, he was the first. That’s why we say he broke the color barrier.

Lionel Osbourne: I see. So, since Jackie Robinson, have there been any other ball players to break the color barrier?

Jermaine Allensworth: No! You can only break the barrir once, Lionel! I mean, once the barrier has been broken, there’s no longer a barrier!

Lionel Osbourne: Touche! [ to camera ] If you’re just joining us, it’s 4:56 in the A.M., and this is “Perspectives.” I’m your host, Lionel Osbourne. With us today is baseball rookie Jermaine Allensworth, who will be pumping gas if he doesn’t have a good season. [ to Jermaine ] Now, Jermaine, uh – I am not a, uh – I am not a big baseball fan. But, aside from Jackie Robinson, has there been, uh, any other black ball players in the major leagues?

Jermaine Allensworth: Yeah! Yeah, man, there’s been thousands! I mean, I’m black! I mean, so was Willie Mays, and Cecil ?? and Ken Griffey, Jr. I mean, that’s why Jackie Robinson’s fifthieth anniversary is such an important milestone!

Lionel Osbourne: Mmm-hmm. Now, when did. Jackie Robinson break the color barrier?

Jermaine Allensworth: April 15th, 1947!

Lionel Osbourne: And about how many years ago was that?

Jermaine Allensworth: Fifty years! I mean, that’s why we’re celebrating the 50th Anniversary, Lionel!

Lionel Osbourne: Double touche! So, when Jackie Robinson was fnally allowed to play, this must have been a pretty happy experience for him.

Jermaine Allensworth: Actually, no, it wasn’t, Lionel. I mean, every day that Jackie stepped out onto the field – I mean, he was called racist names, and he had things thrown at him while he was out on the field, and some fans even spit on him.

Lionel Osbourne: That is fan-tas-tic!

Jermaine Allensworth: N-no, it’s not fantastic! It was horrible! I mean, some of Jackie’s teammates wouldn’t even talk to him! I mean, they wouldn’t even share a room with him!

Lionel Osbourne: Outta sight!

Jermaine Allensworth: No, it’s not outta sight, it’s tragic! I mean,not only was his own life threatened, I mean, he had family members that were sent death threats on a daily basis!

Lionel Osbourne: Baseball fever – catch it! [ to camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have this morning, and this has been “Perspectives”. I am Lionel Osbourne. I’d like to thank my guest, Jermain Allensworth from the Pittsburgh Pirates, for joining me. Next week on “Perspectives”, my guest will be Jesse Jackson. [ a card is handed to him ] I’m sorry – my guest will be Jermaine Allensworth. Can you come back and do the show?

Jermaine Allensworth: No!

Lionel Osbourne: Outstanding! This has been “Perspectives.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro…..Colin Quinn
Eric Roberts…..Rob Lowe
Real Joe Pesci…..Himself
Real Robert DeNiro…..Himself

Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]

Joe Pesci: Hey, everybody! I’m Joe Pesci, huh? Heh heh heh! I got a talk show here! I got a desk! I got a couch! I got a couple of pencils! I got a couple of pulleys! I got everything! It’s the Joe Pesci Show! Oh, before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to wish a happy Passover to all my Hebrew friends! Specifically, my accountant, my lawyer, my assistant, the guys who run the show, the guys who run the network, and the guys who run the World Bank! So to you people I say, ‘Hava Nagila’! Or, whatever it is you people say to each other! Heh heh! Okay! Please welcome my co-host, and Oscar winner, and currently appearing in the movie ‘Marvin’s Room’, Mr. Robert De Niro! [Robert De Niro enters and sits on the couch] Heh heh heh! So, Bobby, how ya doin’?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice, very nice.

Joe Pesci: So, Bobby, speaking of the Oscars, what did you think of the show this year?

Robert DeNiro: Billy Crystal singing? Come on!

Joe Pesci: So, Bobby, in ‘Marvin’s Room’, you makin’ money or what?

Robert DeNiro: A little bit. I’m making a little bit.

Joe Pesci: Ah, come on. Whats a little bit? How much, Bobby?

Robert DeNiro: I don’t know, Joe. I’ll let the Passover guys handle it. Shalom!

Joe Pesci: All right. My next guest starred in ‘The Pope of Greenwich Village’, and ‘Star 80’. Please welcome Mr. Eric Roberts! Bring him out! [Eric Roberts comes out, shakes hands with Robert, then with Joe] Eric, meet Bobby! Sit down! Heh, heh, cool!

Eric Roberts: Joe Pesci, gosh darn freakin’ unbelievable! I mean, Joe Pesci, Robert Freakin’ De Niro! You guys are real big stars! I mean ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Casino’, ‘Raging Bull’….

Robert DeNiro: You’re spittin’ on me!

Joe Pesci: All right, Eric, here, here. While Bobby’s drying off, let me ask you something. Your sister is Julia Roberts, right?

Eric Roberts: Uh, yeah, uh…uh…I

Joe Pesci: Great, great, great. Now tell me, grown-up, did you ever see her naked?

Eric Roberts: Oh, hey, uh, uh, I don’t know, I mean—

Robert DeNiro: Answer the question.

Eric Roberts: Okay, fellas, let me tell you something about my sister Julia. I made a Thanksgiving turkey for her, and she never even showed. I didn’t get a phone call, and when I did, it was from Kiefer Freakin’ Sutherland….[Joe Pesci gets up with a baseball bat, and steps behind Eric Roberts]

Joe Pesci: Okay, all right, that’s all the time we have….

Eric Roberts: Steven Spielberg? He never called me. I mean, listen, I do the fisticuffs movies, and I’m not complaining. But ‘Pretty Woman’? Look, I banged a lot of hookers in my day, and none of them looked like Julia……

Robert DeNiro: Excuse me. Take care.

Eric Roberts: Why? I’m not going anywhere.

Robert DeNiro: Yeah, you are.

[Joe Pesci whacks Eric Roberts in the back]

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! Hey, Eric, tell your sister to come around, I’d like to hit on her too!

Robert DeNiro: Yeah, don’t spit.

Joe Pesci: Well, that’s our show for tonight. I’m Joe Pesci, this is Robert DeNiro, and I hope—

[The real Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro come out. Jim Breuer and Colin Quinn suddenly break character, becoming nervous and apologetic.]

Jim Breuer: Hey, guys, hey, guys…How are you, how ya doin, guys? How are ya?How ya doin? How are ya?

Real Joe Pesci: You know, week after week, we watch you guys from our living rooms, supposedly imitating Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro. When in fact, when in fact, you are doing caricatures of characters we have played in ‘Goodfellas’ and ‘Raging Bull’. Also, my friend, Mr. DeNiro, has a very extensive vocabulary, and does not speak in one-word sentences, like ‘a little bit’, and ‘over here’. Isn’t that right, Bobby? [The real Robert DeNiro nods] Also, I am actually a very calm, laid-back person. I do not break into lunatic, maniacal rages, when someone says something a little offensive. You know what I mean?

Jim Breuer: Oh, no, no, I know what you mean, Mr. Pesci. Absolutely. I’m just a huge fan of both you guys. This is—I mean—I love all the crazy characters you play. And just, the two of you, this is insane. [to Colin Quinn] Right?

Real Joe Pesci: Crazy? Insane? I mean, did I hear what he just said? Did he say what I thought he just said?

Real Robert DeNiro: I heard things. I heard ‘crazy’.

Real Joe Pesci: I mean, did he just insult us?

Real Robert DeNiro: A little bit. [to Colin Quinn] Who are you supposed to be?

Colin Quinn: [nervously] Colin Quinn, ‘Remote Control’.

Real Joe Pesci: Look, if, uh, if you’re going to continue on this insane behavior of the characters we play, maybe I can help you out. Can I have the bat, please? [Jim Breuer gives the real Joe Pesci the bat] Thank you. You see, if you’re gonna hit someone with a bat, you shouldn’t just go up to them and hit them on the head. I mean, you know, if they’re taller than you, and even if not, you can’t really get any leverage. Understand what I’m sayin’?

Jim Breuer: Sure.

Real Joe Pesci: Let me, let me explain what I’m talkin’ about. Excuse me. [Jim Breuer steps to one side] See, first thing you have to do, is you take the bat, and you hit’em in the knee! [hits Colin Quinn in the knees] Then you hit’em in the head! [hits Colin Quinn in the head, and Jim Breuer in the knees] You understand what I’m talkin’ about? Huh? Huh? Huh? [hits Jim Breuer in the head] Shall we dance, Bob?

[The real Joe Pesci and the real Robert DeNiro start kicking Jim Breuer and Colin Quinn.Robert DeNiro then starts beating Colin Quinn.]

Real Joe Pesci: Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob! Whoa, whoa, whoa!See what happens when you get him started, huh? Now this is the Joe Pesci Show![to the camera] Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Get it, Bob!

[Joe Pesci breaks the camera with the bat]

Shut it off! Shut it off!

Submitted by: Victor Magana

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, after months of speculation, sitcom starEllen DeGeneres finally admitted that, yes, she’s gay.Inspired by her courage, today, diet guru RichardSimmons admitted that he is really, really, really,really gay.

In a radio interview this week, First Lady HillaryClinton scoffed at “conspiracy nuts,” as she calledthem, obsessed with Whitewater and compared them tocult figures, or cult groups rather, fascinated byUFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet. Although she did concedeone point of similarity between Whitewater andHeaven’s Gate: thirty-nine castrated deadpeople.

Two professors of medicine at Rutgers University saythat they are developing a pill which can give womenorgasms without having sex. [women in the audiencecheer and applaud] Read all about this revolutionarydiscovery in my new book: “The World’s Most DangerousDrug.” … [men cheer and applaud] … The women clapat the premise and the men clapped at thepunchline.

The White House says that surviving relatives of thosewho died in a forty year old federal study whichallowed men infected with syphilis to go untreatedwill get an official apology from President Clinton.According to the President, quote, “If not for thesacrifices of these brave men, I would not be alivetoday.”

On Capitol Hill this week, the House unanimouslypassed a measure which would prevent prison inmatesfrom being counted as household members for purposesof food stamp eligibility. [Norm pulls out his pockettape recorder and speaks into it] Note to self: Uh,find new way of fraudulently obtaining food stamps.[nods decisively and returns recorder topocket]

Recently, a group of Orthodox rabbis declared thatother branches of Judaism are, quote, “not Judaism atall” thus challenging the religious status of millionsof American Jews. This week, that statement wasrejected by Reform leader Rabbi Don Schonstein, whosaid, quote, “Our legitimacy as Jews flows from therichness of our Jewish lives, the strength of ourJewish communities and, most important of all, ourdeep and abiding belief in Jesus Christ.”

Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probeorbiting Jupiter’s moon Europa suggest that it meetsthe conditions necessary to support a primitive lifeform. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it –Frank Stallone.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham,has written a new book called, “You Can Make ItHappen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success.” Step NumberOne? Become Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend. … [applause]Then the other eight are just hang around…

Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated tobroadcast journ– [Norm chokes on the word and clearshis throat] Gaahh!… [under his breath] What the fuckwas that? … [audience laughs but Norm presses on]Last weekend in Washington, a new museum… [crowdrealizes what Norm has just said and starts cheeringand applauding – a grinning Norm sighs] Aaah hah, myfarewell performance. Last weekend– [morelaughter]

Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated tobroadcast journalism opened where visitors can appearon camera and pretend they are news anchors. So farthe museum has been visited more than two hundredtimes by Tabitha Soren. [Photo of MTV news personTabitha Soren]

In St. Louis, Missouri, a father, who lost jointcustody of his two sons after undergoing a sex changeoperation, now plans to ask an appeals court toreconsider its ruling that gave sole custody to theboys’ mother. [Norm rubs his chin thoughtfully] Hmmmm,I wonder who’s gonna win this case … the mother ofthe two children — or the guy who had his penisturned into a fake vagina? … It’s a tough call. Yougot the guy who fashioned a vagina-like thing and thenya got the mother…

In Michigan, state Historical Commission officials saythey will not interfere with the building of a newmajor sports stadium even if construction unearthshistorical artifacts. However, state Indian Affairofficials say that if relics from a Native Americantribe are found, they would like to have the land setaside and designated as a sacred tribal burialground-slash-giant casino. … [applause]

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission has warned that anindustrial camera, stolen from a Montana company,could pose a radiation hazard if its casing is opened.Oh. [Norm pulls out his recorder again] Note to self:Uh, after show, remember to close the casing on thatindustrial camera that I, uh, I borrowed from, uh,that thing while I was in Montana. [pocketsrecorder]

And, finally, in Californ– [Norm chokes on the wordand grins – audience laughs]

And, finally, in California, pet owners [Norm shoots aglance at the crowd] – pet owners can now take theircanine friends to the world’s first doggy weddingchapel, where dogs can actually be married in a civilceremony. The ceremony ends when the Justice of thePeace says, “You may now sniff the ass.” … [cheersand applause which continues till the end ofUpdate]

All right, folks. Maybe we’ll see you next week! Goodnight!

[Norm sort of waves and starts to take the microphoneoff his necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Janet Blaum’s Rant

Janet Blaum…..Ana Gasteyer
Waitress #2…..Molly Shannon
Waitress #3…..Cheri Oteri
Manager…..Rob Lowe
Customer #1…..Will Ferrell
Customer #2…..Jim Breuer

[ open on interior, Jazzies Bar & Grill ]

Janet Blaum: I swear, I have had it up to here, Daniel has been riding me all day!

Waitress #2: I know, he’s been awful.

Waitress #3: Someone has to do something.

Manager: Ladies, ladies.. I think that there is a tubetop that is waiting for some service, so why don’t we get on it? Janet?

Janet Blaum: God, he’s a pill! I swear, one of these days, one more comment like this, and I am really gonna let him have it!

Waitress #2: God, I wish I had the guts..

Waitress #3: Hey, you want me to take the tubetop?

Janet Blaum: No, I got it. But they’d better not have a coupon. [ approaches the table ] Hey, how you guys doing tonight?

Customer #1: Good. We have a coupon.

Janet Blaum: That’s, um.. that’s no problem. I should let you know, also, that Tuesday is seafood night here at Jazzies —

Customer #2: Yeah, look – we don’t want a big spiel. Just bring us a couple burgers and some Scotch. Alright, honey?

Janet Blaum: I really don’t appreciate —

Manager: [ jumps in ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there a problem here?

Janet Blaum: Well, Daniel, I-I-I —

Customer #2: She’s being rude!

Manager: Is that true, Janet?

Janet Blaum: No!

Manager: Look, why don’t you take the night off, alright? Listen, I’m very sorry, gentlemen, this meal is gonna be on me.

Janet Blaum: Daniel, that is not fair!

Manager: Janet, I want you to get your things, and I want you to go home, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow! Alright?

Janet Blaum: Well, you know what? I don’t think we will talk tomorrow, because I have a couple of things I’d like to say to you right now!

Waitress #2: Do it, Janet!

Waitress #3: Go, sister!

Janet Blaum: I have been waiting for this for a long time! This enire restaurant, and all of the people in it, and particularly you, Daniel, can all just.. can all go.. fly a kite! Okay? Because this is bull crap!

Customer #2: Bull crap?

Janet Blaum: Th-th-that’s right! I am really PO’ed! I am ticked, okay? And, you, Mr. Bigshot.. B-b-boss guy, you, you are a gigantic.. gigantic manager! Okay? And I.. wo not stand for –

Guys: Wo not!! [ laugh ]

Manager: Hah! Wo not? Did you just say “Wo not”?

Customer #2: [ snottily ] Where did you learn to talk?

Janet Blaum: I learned to talk at the same place you got your fat coupon! Okay?

Customer #1: Th-that makes no sense.

Janet Blaum: Okay, maybe this makes sense to you, okay – obviously, your had is full of cheese, okay? So, go smarten up, because I.. dow-not want it —

Manager: [ mocking ] Dow-not! Dow-not!

Janet Blaum: Stop it! Stop it, okay! This is, this terd city! This is total BS! Bull crap! Okay! Bull crap! And you know what, Daniel? You know what? You are all wet! And I wonder, where did you get your brain, out of a Crackerjack box?

Customer #1: Boy, that is weak.

Janet Blaum: I-I-I-I speak for everyone here.. I think. [ the other waitresses disagree ] For too long, you have walked all over us, okay! I am so, so PO’ed! Alright? L-l-look at you, with your big.. stuff.. you are an unbelievable crum bum!

Manager: Crum-bum! [ laughs ]

Janet Blaum: Yeah, yeah.. I have walked through this door so many times, but I thought I.. wo not —

Guys: Wo not! Wo not! [ laugh ]

Janet Blaum: Th-th-this is BS! This is bull crap! Alright?

Manager: Look, I know you thought this was gonna be your big moment with me, and it really hasn’t worked out very well, has it? So why don’t you just go home?

Janet Blaum: Oh, no, no, Daniel! I am royally ticked, okay? I am royally ticked! Okay? I am royally ticked! So why don’t you take a short walk on a long pier.. or.. a long pier with.. this sucks BS, okay! This place is a bull crap place! And you, and you, can bite the big one! So why don’t you take this job —

Manager: Oh, please, don’t say “Shove it.”

Janet Blaum: Aaarrgggghh!! This is BS! BS! This whole place is a BS palace, and you are King Bull! Alright? And the food here looks like throw up!

Manager: Okay, okay, let’s get you out of here!

Janet Blaum: You know what? You know what? Fine! Excuse my dust, okay, because I am out of here, alright? And I’m sorry that I’m not some big.. speech.. maker lady person.. okay? I am just a ticked off waitress who is PO’ed with all the BS and the bull crap and terds, okay? Yeah! Yeah! You’re all just a big stinking pil of BM, okay? So, so, so say goodbye! Because this lady is not coming back, alright? I am out of here forever, okay? And as far as I’m concerned, so are all of you!

[ exits, then re-enters ]

I forgot my purse. This sucks on toast!

[ exits, then re-enters ]

Someone call AAA for me, my car won’t start! God, this day has been an unbelievable bucket of BM!

Manager: Look, will somebody call the AAA for her, and let’s get back to work. Come on, everyone, come on.

Janet Blaum: Fine! I’m still PO’ed!

Waitress #3: [ meekly ] That went well.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 19th, 1997

Pamela Lee

Rollins Band

Tommy Lee

Rollins Band, “Starve”

Reno-Time!

Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) hijacks President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) press conference.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Janet Reno.

Pamela Lee’s Monologue

To counter nervousness, Lee lets the audience see her naked.

Darnette Disposable Toilets

(Repeat) See: 12/14/96.

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig (Will Ferrell) & Arianna (Cheri Oteri) bring their cheers to Spring Break.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

A&E Biography

Earl Woods (Tracy Morgan) desperately molded Tiger (Tim Meadows) into pro golfer.

Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins.

Roxbury Guys

Roxbury Guys (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan) chase blonde (Lee) around town.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Movie Set

Tommy Lee (Norm MacDonald) mistakes fiction for reality as Pam films movie.

The real Tommy Lee thinks Norm MacDonald is trying to make out with Lee.

TV Funhouse

Safety tips with The Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Hey, Remember the 80’s

Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) finds true love in Jenny McCarthy (Lee).

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Oprah’s Book Club

Oprah (Tim Meadows) and friends read book selections.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King’s (Norm MacDonald) views don’t offer much of an opinion.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Pamela Lee’s Invitational NASCAR Rally

Sight of Lee’s breast is the cause of many spinouts.

Larry King’s News & Views II

More ramblings from Larry King (Norm MacDonald).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

The Twilight Zone

Plastic surgery makes woman (Lee) hot, even in a world of pig-faced people.

First Date

Because blind date (Lee) is hot, man (Chris Kattan) enjoys her sense of humor.

SNL Transcripts