Author: Don Roy King

Spartan Cheerleaders

C.J…..Pamela Lee
Hobie…..Chris Kattan
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Dirk…..Jim Breuer

[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]

Hobie: How’s it looking out there, C.J.?

C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but I’m gonna keep an eye on that undertow.

Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, what’s going on over there?

C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?

Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides!

[CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]

Craig: Oooh!

Arianna: Oh!

Cheerleaders:
One-piece, two-piece, string bikini!
Who you think you are, “I Dream of Jeannie”?
You can blink for your master,
Or cry to Major Healy!

Arianna: You think you’re gonna win?

Craig: Uh-uh, not really!

[They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song.]

Cheerleaders:
Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle!
Boiiiiinnnnnng! WHOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

[Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream.

Craig: Okay. Okay.

[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]

Craig: Arianna, I’m sweating buckets! I don’t care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?

Arianna: Craig, girls don’t sweat – they glow!

Craig: Oh.

Arianna: [grinning] And I’m glowing like a pig! CRAIG!

[both burst out laughing]

Arianna: Craig! Aren’t away games cool beans?

Craig: I’ll say. The only thing better was getting to see “Problem Child 2” on the plane.

Arianna: Yeah. I’m sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!

Craig: Oh. And I’m sorry you threw up.

Arianna: Oh, that’s okay. Thanks for holding my hair.

Craig: No problem… child… two.

Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troy’s serve is poetry in motion!

Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.

Craig: Okay.

Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.

Craig: Okay.

[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]

Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]
Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Arianna: [dances out from behind him] I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Cheerleaders:
If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]
Better know how to spike the ba-aall!
Too bad you got sand in your crack,
Better put out a booty call!
Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!

[A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.]

Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: I said, who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Cheerleaders:
Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Wide load! WHOOOOO!!!

Arianna: Come on, let’s get the message!!

[Dirk runs up to them in disgust.]

Arianna: Dirk!!

Craig: Dirk!!

Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I can’t BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. ‘cause you’re wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!

Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

[He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]

Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.

Craig: Yeah.

Dirk: I’m gonna go in the water to cool off. And DON’T FOLLOW me! [runs off]

Arianna: We won’t! ‘Cause you’re not the Pied Piper of us!

Craig: Yeah!

[ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]

C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.

Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.

Arianna: Yeah.

C.J.: Well, if you need anything, I’m C.J., and I’m the lifeguard for this section of the beach.

Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?

C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.

Arianna: I could die!!

C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?

Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but I’ve got back hair.

C.J.: Okay.

Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, we’re a little gamey.

[They each lift an arm.]

Craig: Yeah.

C.J.: WHOO!!

Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!

C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! I’m in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] I’m out!

[C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]

Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…

Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hair’s even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!

Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!

Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?

Arianna: The perfect cheer?

Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Let’s rock and roll!!!

[Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the “Baywatch” theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]

Dirk: [furious] Get off me! You’re CHOKING me!

[While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.’s limp body in his arms.]

Arianna: DIRK!! COME BACK, YOU’RE IN SHOCK!!! YOU NEED CPR!!!

Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!

Arianna: Okay! I got her!

Craig: Help on the double!

Arianna: Okay!

[Craig bends over C.J.’s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]

Arianna: One…

[Craig breathes into C.J.’s mouth.]

Arianna: Two…

[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craig’s.]

C.J.: Craig! I don’t like you like that, okay?

Arianna: [toward audience] SHE’S OKAY, CRAIG!!

Craig: She’s okay! Oh…

[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]

C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.

Arianna: Okay.

C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, it’s not necessary to use your tongue.

Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!

C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, it’s best not to scream, “We’re all gonna die.”

Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.

C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]

Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!

Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!

Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?

Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…

Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig!

[Craig hits a button on the boom box, and “I Like it like That” starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craig’s arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Club Owner…..Mark McKinney
Sexy Broad…..Pamela Lee

Music: “What is Love”, Haddaway.

[ open on exterior, China Club, evening ]

[ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the twoRoxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around, beer bottlesin mouthes, to check out the ladies in the club. ]

Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance?No? [ returns to the bar ]

Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wannadance? You and me? No? [ returns to the bar ]

[ suddenly, the music stops and the lights go out, bringing down the RoxburyGuys’ evening ]

Club Owner: [ jumping in front of the crowd ] Sorry, the power wentout. We’ll get it back in a second, alright?

[ the Roxbury Guys stand alone at the bar and try to make adjustments tothe sudden loss of power ]

Steve Butabi: [ making a weak attempt at communication with hisbrother ] It’s too bad the.. uh.. power went out. I really like that song.

Doug Butabi: Yeah, that’s a good song..

Steve Butabi: Soooo.. uh.. it’s fun going to clubs with you.

Doug Butabi: Yeah. It’s fun.

Steve Butabi: Music’s good.. because it helps people fill in thoseawkward silences. [ pause. Steve shakes his head to the music that’s notthere ]

Doug Butabi: [ holding his hand up ] No, no, no – not yet.

[ suddenly, the music starts again, and the boys are back in business,especially when they notice a Sexy Broad dancing in front of the bar. Makingup for lost time, they jump to either side of her and bop her from side toside until she is able to get loose and run out the bar. Naturally, ourheroes stay in close pursuit. ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. The Roxbury Guys flip out their cellphones to make a unified call. In the next lane, we see the Sexy Broadchecking her make-up in her rearview mirror as her cell phone rings. ]

Sexy Broad: Hello?

Roxbury Guys: He-e-ey!! [ wave ]

[ looking over and noticing who it is, the Sexy Broad flings her cell phoneat the Roxbury Guys’ car, smashing their windshield and causing them to spinout of control for a second or two. ]

[ cut to exterior, New York Sports Club ]

[ interior, New York Sports Club. The Sexy Broad is working out on arunning machine, only to discover the Roxbury Guys running along on eitherside of her. To get rid of them, she turns up the speed on their runningmachines and sends them flying back against the wall ]

[ cut to interior, Sauna. Woman are wrapped in towles and enjoying a goodsweat. The camera pans left to reveal the Roxbury Guys fully dressed intheir club clothes with towels wrapped around themselves. The Sexy Broadwalks in, but doesn’t notice them ]

Doug Butabi: He-e-eyy!

Steve Butabi: What’s up?

Doug Butabi: It’s good to see ya!

[ the Sexy Broad pulls off their towels, making them jump up in fear ]

Steve Butabi: No!

Doug Butabi: Oh, it’s too hot!

[ the Roxbury Guys run out of the Sauna ]

[ cut to interior, Jacuzzi Room, where the Sexy Broad is enjoying a goodsoak. Suddenly, the Roxbury Guys emerge from beneath the water ]

Steve Butabi: What’s up?

Doug Butabi: What’s going on?

[ the Sexy Broad jumps up and runs out of the jacuzzi. Obviously, theRoxbury Guys will continue their pursuit for the remainder of the night ]

SNL Transcripts

Reno-Style!

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Female Reporter…..Molly Shannon
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Wolf Blitzer…..Mark McKinney
Male Reporter…..Tim Meadows
Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on White House press conference ]

President Bill Clinton: Good afternoon. I’m here today to address speculation as to why no Independent Counsel has been appointed to investigate alleged illegal fundraising by the Democratic National Committee. Let me just say that the Attorney General has concluded that no ethical violations were committed that would warrant this kind of investigation. [ gives his thumbs-up ] Now, before I take your questions, bear in mind, I still have to use crutches when I walk! [ holds his crutches up ] See? It’s a ltitle tough for me to sit..

[ reporters start clamoring for his attention ]

Female Reporter: Uh, Mr. President? Today is the anniversary of both the Waco incident and the Oklahoma City bombing. Meanwhile, there are reports of new threats from militia groups. What is Attorney General Janet Reno doing to protect the people?

President Bill Clinton: Let me just say, the Attorney General has placed the Federal Government on a full state of alert. And, don’t worry, Janet Reno has got this under control..

[ Janet Reno crashes through a side door like the Incredible Hulk and takes over the press conference ]

Attorney General Janet Reno: You wanted her, you got her! [ grabs Clinton by the crutch and shoves him aside ] Now, you’re gonna get the straight dope from the horse’s mouth! It’s Reno Time! Now, who wants a piece of Reno? [ Wolf Blitzer stands up ] You!

Wolf Blitzer: Uh.. Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. Miss Reno, as an appointee of an administration that’s plagued with pending indictments, hasn’t the time come for you to remove yourself from the investigation?

Attorney General Janet Reno: If you ask one more question like that, you’re gonna have to rue with my foot from your ass! What kind of name is “Wolf”, anyways? [ distraught, Wolf Blitzer takes his seat ] Next question! Come on, who wants to tango?

Male Reporter: Yeah, Miss Reno? Vice-President Gore has admitted to raising money from his White House office. Given that, how can you claim there’s a lack of evidence?

Attorney General Janet Reno: Let me tell you something about Al Gore: he’s a beautiful boy, but he’ll say anything to get you in the sack!

Male Reporter: What the hell does that mean?

Attorney General Janet Reno: Shut it, tough guy! Or you’re gonna eat it, Reno-Style! Here’s some straight talk: I’m the Attorney General. That makes me Top Cop of the most powerful nation on the planet! [ President Clinton hobbles towards Janet Reno on his crutches, but she yanks them away ] Back off, Tubby! I’m just getting warmed up! [ throws the crutches across the room ] Go fetch! Go!

[ President Clinton swaggers a second, then catches his balance and smiles at the reporters ]

President Bill Clinton: I didn’t need them, anyway! [ laughs ]

Attorney General Janet Reno: I’ve got time for one more question! [ points to a reporter ] You!

Helen Thomas: Helen Thomas, UPI. Doesn’t the 1978 Independent Council Statute allow you to avoid a conflict of interest by submitting your request to a panel of three Federal judges?

Attorney General Janet Reno: You’re a sad, old lady. That’s it! End of press conference!

[ President Clinton hobbles forward again ]

President Bill Clinton: Ladies and gentlemen, forgive the Attorney General, she’s been under a lot of pressure lately, and I’d love to take your questions about my Federal Budget proposal, or my efforts to modify the Chemical Weapons treaty. I mean, nobody wants to live in a world of pollution..

Attorney General Janet Reno: [ makes fake snoring sounds behind President Clinton ] Get real! Now, I’m gonna do push-ups for everyone, and I want you to count them out loud! Blitzer, get up here and sit on my back!

[ Janet hits the floor and Wolf Blitzer sits atop her back as the other reporters count push-ups out loud ]

Reporters: One! Two! Three!

[ fast zoom to Janet Reno’s face ]

Attorney General Janet Reno: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Oprah’s Book Club

Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Sheila Harcourt…..Pamela Lee
Estelle…..Molly Shannon
Guest…..Ana Gasteyer
Carol…..Cheri Oteri
Butler…..Mark McKinney

[FADE in on a slide showing the front of a book called, “Ruth Is Alright” by Sheila Harcourt and the caption “BOOK CLUB” next to it. FADE to Oprah sitting in a studio in front of a huge projection of the book cover.]

Oprah: Hi there, and welcome to another chapter of Oprah’s Book Club! I am so excited about this month’s book: [holds up book] “Ruth Is Alright,” by Sheila Harcourt. Now, let me tell you something, girl: I love this book. It’s the story of a woman named Ruth, who is black. She grows up in the South, moves to Chicago, gets her own talk show, loses weight, gains it back, loses again… and then she gets really, really rich. It is such a universal story, girl. Okay, now, we’re gonna show you all some highlights from last night’s Book Club dinner, where three lucky viewers joined the author and myself for a fish feast, honey. [giggles]

[ZOOM in on the front of a huge mansion with pillars.]

Oprah: [off camera] Because the main character in Sheila’s book made such a success of her life, we decided to celebrate her by having dinner at a place befitting the stature of someone wealthy and dynamic. So we dined at my house.

[FADE to a slide of a green leaf and a caption, “the dinner,” then FADE to Oprah’s elegant dining room, where she sits at a round table with Sheila Harcourt and three other women. Everyone giggles and sips from fancy flutes of wine.]

Oprah: All right, all right. Now, first of all, I want to thank you all for coming to my home. And I want to introduce the author of “Ruth Is Alright,” Sheila Harcourt. [claps]

[The three “regular” women all moan in awe and fawn over her.]

Oprah: Honey, I loved your book, girl. YOU are all right.

[The guests giggle and moan.]

Sheila: Girl, YOU are all right.

Ladies: Ooooooooooooooooo!

Sheila: Thanks to you, Oprah, I no longer have to read palms to supplement my writing career.

Oprah: Amen, girl.

[Ladies giggle and coo for a long moment.]

Estelle: [in a Sally O’Malley voice] I just thought that your little book was terrific, honey. And I just want to say to THIS lady– [pats Oprah’s shoulder] –that you are one terrific lady. You’re a superstar and you know it. You know it!

Oprah: Thank YOU, girl!

Guest: I, I, I just loved the book, Sheila. And Oprah, I just think you’re such an inspiration.

Oprah: Ooooooooooo!

Guest: It’s because of you that I own a roadside fruit stand, where I sell fruits, and also my famous “Oprahcot” pie!

Ladies: Oooooo!

Ana: I think you’re so great, Oprah!

Oprah: [sweetly] Thank you so much, girlfriend!

[Everyone giggles.]

Carol: [nervously] Well, um, I can’t believe I’m in your house, Oprah.

[Ladies giggle as Carol fidgets with her collar.]

Carol: You have a really nice house, Oprah. [glances around in awe]

[The ladies continue to laugh, then FADE to the leaf and the caption, “inspiration.” FADE back to the women at dinner.]

Oprah: [eating] Mmm-mmm! Honey, this fish is so good. [with mouth full] And the peas are, mmmm, wonderful! [turns to side] Honey, bring it on, here. Give me some more of those peas, baby.

[A white-shirted butler steps in and dishes more peas onto Oprah’s plate.]

Oprah: He’s a cutie! Thank you so much, honey.

[As the butler turns to leave, Oprah pinches him on the butt.]

Butler: HEY!

[He whirls around and glares angrily at her before walking away. The other ladies burst out laughing.]

Oprah: All right now, Sheila, now you tell me, what inspired you to write this book, girlfriend?

Sheila: Well, YOU did, Oprah. Whenever I’d hit a writing block, I’d just think about the main character, and then I’d switch her head with yours, and the block would disappear!

[Ladies giggle]

Guest: Oh, I know what you mean. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I pretend my fruit is an audience, and I say, [shrilly] “Get with the proo-graam!”

Oprah: That is really sweet, honey. [to Sheila] Are you gonna finish those potatoes, girl?

Sheila: Oh!

[Oprah starts dishing them onto her plate. FADE to leaf and the caption, “courage,” then FADE back to Oprah, who has a large glob of potatoes smeared above the corner of her mouth.]

Oprah: Now… My friend…

[The glob slides off, and Oprah tries to catch it with her tongue, but she misses.]

Oprah: …Maya Angelou, she’s a poet, hangs out with the President. Anywhoski, she says that courage is fear that has said its prayers, girl.

Ladies: Oh! Oooooooooooo!

Oprah: Yeah. Now, what is the most courageous thing you have ever done?

Shiela: Oh, I, I stripped at my own brother’s bachelor party.

Ladies: Oooooooooooooo!

Guest: Wow. You know, after my mother died, I got my ears pierced.

Ladies: [after a blank pause] Oooooooooo.

Carol: Well, you know, um, I ate this whole meal, and I’m allergic to fish!

[Ladies coo and giggle while Carol grins uncertainly.]

Estelle: I, uh, I shot my husband’s secretary in the foot.

Oprah: [laughing] Girl, that is awful, Estelle!

Estelle: Yes. But thanks to you, Oprah, I got through it: ‘cause you’re one terrific lady. And that’s a fact. That’s a fact.

Oprah: [whispering, almost choked up] Thank YOU, girl…

[FADE to leaf and the caption, “crossroads,” then FADE to Oprah chasing the butler in circles around the table and holding out her plate.]

Butler: Get away from me!

[The other ladies hoot and cheer as Oprah keeps chasing him and his dish of food. FADE to leaf and the caption, “favorite parts,” then FADE to the women laughing at the dinner table. Potatoes are still smeared above Oprah’s mouth.]

Oprah: Now, MY favorite part of the book was when she got her own cook, honey. Mm-hm.

Estelle: Yeah. I wanna say that you have a heck of a lot of style, lady!

Oprah: Thank you, Estelle. Thank you so much. Now, Carol, what was your favorite part of the book, girl?

Carol: [looking clueless] Oh, the, the book! Uh… well, uh, I guess, it was when the lady, uh, when she, when she, uh, when she got the thing, and, um…

Oprah: [evenly] Honey, honey, did you even READ the book?

Carol: Yes, of course I read the book.

Oprah: Well, then tell us what was your favorite part, girl!

Carol: Oooooh! Ooh, could I have some more fish?

[Other ladies burst out laughing. FADE to leaf and the caption, “friendship,” then FADE to a closeup of Oprah’s face as she relaxes in a bubble bath.]

Oprah: What a fabulous dinner. It had all the right elements: great food, stimulating conversation, and great food.

[PAN back to show the other ladies in the jacuzzi with her as they all giggle.]

Guest: Thank you for giving courage a voice, Sheila. And thank you for giving it a forum, Oprah.

Oprah: [modestly] Ohhh… Well, here’s to good books, guardian angels, and personal trainers!

[Oprah flexes an arm while the ladies giggle one last time. FADE to the opening “Book Club” slide, then FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

NASCAR Pamela Lee Invitational

…..Pamela Lee
Dale Jarrett…..Colin Quinn

[FADE IN on a flashing screen with the caption, “SATURDAY,” then CUT to NASCAR racing video.]

Announcer: This Saturday on ESPN2: straight from Daytona, it’s big NASCAR action. All the biggest names in stock car racing have been brought together by the woman whose name is synonymous with NASCAR: Pamela Lee. That’s right–it’s the First Annual Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally.

[SUPERIMPOSE caption over racing footage.]

Announcer: Pamela Lee knows NASCAR. And she’ll be calling all the action herself right from trackside.

[FADE to Pamela Lee standing in front of a group of spectators. She wears a headphone with a mike and a powder blue racesuit which is unzipped to show her entire cleavage.]

Pamela: We’ve got an incredible race out here today! Coming up in fourth, Brett Bodine on the inside groove! Boy, oh, boy, that new R-tail chassis he’s riding here has way more downforce trim than his old Eagle 977. Coming down the straightaway, it’s Brett Bodiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!

[Pamela leans over the fence and shakes her breasts back and forth. CUT to footage of cars racing in a very tight pack.]

Bodine: Hey, is that Pamela LEE out there? Good NIGHT! Would you look at that set of–OH, MY GOD!!!!!

[Bodine’s car gets bumped and smashes into the wall.]

Announcer: Pamela Lee plus NASCAR equals pure racing excitement.

[FADE back to Pamela at her station.]

Pamela: Well, they finally cleared Brett Bodine off the track. It looks like Rusty Wallace is slingshotting off of bend two! Here comes Wallaaaaaaaaace!! [leans over and shakes her breasts]

[CUT to Wallace driving on the outside in heavy traffic and getting rear-ended into the wall.]

Wallace: [shrieking] HEY!!! HEY, PAMELA, LOOK AT ME!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!!

[Several others crash into him, and he skids upside down in the midst of the pack. He flips back over and skids down the track with smoke pouring out behind him.]

Wallace: HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH MY GOD, I’M ON FIRE!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!! HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH, MY GOD, MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!! PAMELA!!! I’M STILL GOING!!!

Announcer: All NASCAR’s top drivers will be there. And they are pumped!

Wallace: I’M ON FIRE!!

[FADE to Dale Jarrett in a red racesuit.]

Jarrett: I gotta tell you, this race is a really bad idea.

[FADE back to Pamela Lee at trackside.]

Pamela: [smiling] Boy, there has been a lot of crashes today! Must be a slippery track! But with five laps to go, it’s Jeff Gordooooooooooon!! Whooo!!

[She starts jumping up and down, but claps her hands to her ears and covers her mouth at the sound of squealing tires.]

Pamela: Oh! Uh-oh!

[CUT to Jeff Gordon’s car skidding sideways toward the center with its front end smashed.]

Gordon: Oh, I saw right down her shirt! It was so worth it!

[A car zooms up out of nowhere and clips his front right corner. He goes spinning as metal flies into the air.]

Gordon: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! It was still worth it! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[CUT to footage of an airborne Goodyear blimp.]

Announcer: And as always, exciting aerial views will be brought to you by the Goodyear Blimp.

[FADE to Pamela jumping up and down and waving up to the blimp. A moment later, orange light suddenly flares up, and an explosion is heard. Pamela stares up as smoke and pieces of the blimp come drifting down. Spectators duck for cover.]

Pamela: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[CUT back to opening NASCAR footage.]

Announcer: The Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally. ESPN2. This Saturday.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Movie Set

David…..Mark McKinney
Herself/Mrs. Johnson…..Pamela Lee
Actor/Lawyer…..Will Ferrell
Tommy Lee/Himself…..Norm MacDonald
…..The Real Tommy Lee

[FADE IN on an office set. A lawyer sits behind a desk while Pamela Lee sits in the chair opposite. David, the director, stand above them.]

David: Okay, Pam, this is your big scene, so I want you to try and pretend that it’s all real. Okay?

[Both actors nod]

David: You ready, guys?

Actor: Yes.

Pam: Yeah.

David: [walks off] All right, let’s go for it. And… action!

[A brief, dramatic horn line plays as Pam leans forward toward the desk.]

Mrs. Johnson: [enunciating carefully] Do you think I will win my case?

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

[Suddenly, Norm Macdonald, dressed as Tommy Lee, walks into the scene. He wears a white tank-top T-shirt, and his arms are festooned with tattoos.]

Tommy: Hey, babe! I-I-I’m going to the store. You want me to pick up somethin’?

Pam: Tommy!

David: Cut!

Tommy: [in realization] Oh, I’m sorry, dudes, man, I totally zoned! I didn’t know you were shooting!

David: Okay, look, that’s okay, Mr. Lee. But please, just stay OFF the set? Okay?

Tommy: Okay.

[He grins, points his fingers at the director, and runs off.]

David: All right. Let’s try it again, all right? And… action!

[music sting]

Mrs. Johnson: Do you think I will win my case?

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[Tommy rushes into the scene and angrily walks up to the lawyer.]

Tommy: Hey, why’d you wink at my wife?

Actor: [puzzled] What?

Tommy: I saw you winking at my wife! Why are you so winky, huh? [shoves him]

David: Hey, hey! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Pam: Tommy, what are you doing?

Tommy: Hey, Pammy, you just stay out of this! Just go in my car and get my gun!

David: [impatiently] Hey, look. Get, get a hold of yourself please, Mr. Lee, he really isn’t interested in your wife. He’s not a real lawyer, this isn’t a real office, that isn’t even a real window, okay? None of this is REAL.

[Tommy blinks in confusion and then understands again.]

Tommy: Oh! Oh! I’m sorry, I, I feel like an idiot!

[He gives Pam a deep kiss on the lips and walks back off the set.]

Pam: I’m so sorry, David. He gets like that sometimes.

David: No, no, no, no, that’s okay, we’re all artists, we’re all emotional, we all like to live out loud. Okay? [walks back behind movie camera] All right, let’s take it from “bifocals.” And… action!

[music sting]

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ah, ha, ha, ha–

[While the lawyer delivers his line, Tommy shows up in the fake window behind the lawyer. He stares out through it in wonder.]

David: Cut! Mr. Lee, why are you standing in the window?

Tommy: Oh! I, I thought you couldn’t see me through this window, ‘cause earlier you said that it wasn’t a real window!

David: No, we can see you. So please MOVE?

Tommy: Ah! [walks out of sight]

David: Okay, let’s take it from the top, okay? And… action!

[music sting]

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

Tommy: [hurtling in] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

[Tommy drives straight at the lawyer and hurls him out of his chair onto the floor. He starts to grab him, but two crew members hustle in and pull him off.]

Actor: Oh, God, I think he broke my nose!

Pam: Oh, Tommy, you know this is a movie, right?

Tommy: Oh, a movie! Yes!! I forgot! Hah! Hey, I didn’t know what happened, I’m sorry, there, hey, amigo, no hard feelings, huh, buddy? [shakes lawyer’s hand]

Actor: Apology accepted. I’m actually a big fan of Motley Crue.

Tommy: [happily] Oh, yeah? Rock ‘n’ roll, man, rock ‘n’ roll!

Actor: Yeah, and I’ve always really thought your wife was great, too–

Tommy: [not comprehending] Oh, thanks! [gets it] WHAT?! AGH–

[Tommy grabs the lawyer by the back of the head and pounds it on the desk over and over.]

Pam: [jumps up and down frantically] Stop it! Stop it! He doesn’t like me! Tom, he’s gay! He’s gay!

[Tommy hears her and lets him go.]

Tommy: Ah!

Actor: [dazed] I’m very, very gay… [slumps underneath desk]

Tommy: Oh, I’m sorry. [to Pam] Oh, man, I’m sorry, baby, you know, I just love you so much. You know it gets me crazy, you know…

[He leans forward and gives Pam a long soul kiss. After a few seconds, the real Tommy Lee, dressed identically to Norm MacDonald, darts onto the set and yanks Norm off her.]

Real Tommy Lee: Hey! HEY!!

[When he faces Norm, Tommy stifles a laugh, and the two smirk at each other while the audience cheers.]

Real Tommy Lee: Get your freakin’ hands off my wife!

Pam: Baby, we’re just doing a sketch.

Real Tommy Lee: [coldly] Pammy, stay out of this, baby. Go to my car and get my gun.

Norm MacDonald: [nervously] Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I swear, uh, you know, uh, me and your wife, we’re just acting. [to Pam] Right? T-t-tell him, honey.

Real Tommy Lee: “Honey”?!

Norm MacDonald: No, no!

Real Tommy Lee: What–

[Tommy Lee starts bashing Norm MacDonald’s head over and over on the desk while Pam slumps and covers her eyes with her hand. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Pamela Lee’s Monologue

…..Pamela Lee

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Pamela Lee!

[Dressed in a frilly lavender halter jacket and a pink skirt, Pamela Lee walks onstage and claps along with the audience.]

Pamela Lee: WHOOOO!!! Nice to be here! Wow! I’m here in New York! It’s great! The Knicks just beat the Bulls! WHOOOO!!!

[riotous screams and cheers]

Pamela Lee: [breathing hard] Wow, you know, this is just, this is quite a departure for me to be on “Saturday Night Live.” Doing this comedy thing, you know, after having committed myself for so long to serious drama. [laughter] You know, I know a lot of people make fun of “Baywatch,” but it’s really an important show. Week in and week out, we attack the real problems threatening our nation’s beaches. You know, problems like pollution, diamond smuggling, buried treasure! Serious stuff!! [laughter] Wow, but I have to tell you, this live TV thing is just a completely different experience. Honestly, I’m really very nervous. So my husband taught me–he’s a musician–he told me a little trick about what to do if, if I start to feel nervous. He says that, um, a good way to put yourself at ease is to, um… [thinking hard] Oh, shoot, um… ohhhhh, oh, yeah, have the audience imagine that you’re naked! Yeah! That’s what it is. Yep!

[Audience hoots and cheers as Pam takes off her jacket to reveal a bikini top with pink feathers on the cups.]

Pamela Lee: So, so, if you could just, uh, imagine me naked, that would help me out tremendously. It’d be great. Are you imagining me naked?

Guys in audience: YEAH!!

Pamela Lee: You know what, it’s not working. Maybe what he said is that, um, you know, if you’re nervous onstage, you actually should BE naked! Yeah!! Okay! You know what? I’m gonna take this off…

[The audience hoots and cheers again as Pamela strips off her bikini and skirt. Her body is blurred out.]

Pamela Lee: That’s better! [fidgets with skirt clasp] Okay, all right, that’s where it is. NOW we’re talkin’! Thank you, thank you!

[riotous screams and cheers]

Pamela Lee: Whoooo! This is really loosening me up! This is great! Wow! Wow. Wow!! Loosening me up.

Guys in audience: You go, Pam!

Pamela Lee: Now you really see what I’m doing here tonight. You know, showing my top to the world is an exciting step toward developing me as a mature actress. At any rate, I feel free, you know, I feel free. You guys can get naked! We have a great show tonight! The Rollins Band is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[FADE to black as audience continues cheering heartily.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views” in USA Today, then God helpyou.

Larry King: [into the camera] One of the greatfigures of the twentieth century has to be JamesBrolin.

The more I think about it, the more I love chicken –a great, great meat.

If Timothy McVeigh is guilty of this terrible OklahomaCity bombing, then they should put that guy in jailfor a long, long time.

Announcer: This has been U.S.A. Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Larry King: You heard it here first, folks:John McEnroe was a hell of a tennis player.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.

Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” You heard it here first, gang: if you only seeone film the rest of your life, it should be “Jungle 2Jungle”!

Baltimore is a dirty, ugly city!

Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired of thePope?

There isn’t a better singer in the world than BozScaggs!

Sometimes I wonder if giving women the right to votewasn’t a huge mistake!

Of all the laws of nature, the most important one justmight be — gravity!

I don’t care what anyone says. In my book, EllenDeGeneres is not gay!

Two “must-dos” in Washington, D.C.: you must visit theHolocaust Museum and you must eat a corn dog atChirpy’s!

Actor Don Johnson: one class act!

I have no tolerance for people who commitrape.

Coca-Cola is a terrific cola but so isPepsi-Cola!

Does anybody remember yo-yos?

I am still not a fan of Muhammad Ali!

Announcer: This has been U.S.A. Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

[The animated “Saturday TV Funhouse” intro plays, with Lorne Michaels chasing after the dog, and then FADE to a residential street where two boys and another younger boy are playing. On the right, Willie dribbles a basketball; on the left, Butch is popping a wheelie on his bicycle.]

Butch: Hey, guys, look what I can do!

Willie: Hey, that’s pretty neat!

Youngest Boy: Yeah!

[In a flash, Ace and Gary swoop down and land in the middle of the street.]

Ace: I wouldn’t be so sure!

Willie and Butch: Huh?

[FADE to “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” opening sequence. The announcer speaks when it is finished.]

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight, safety tips from: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

[FADE to Ace and Gary talking to the youngsters on the street.]

Ace: Willie, Butch… fun and safety can go hand-in-hand.

Willie: Wow! On our street! Ace and Gary!

Butch: I hear they’re fruits.

Willie: No way!

Gary: Kids, if you follow our tips, you can have a good time…

Ace: And a SAFE time.

Gary: Come along!

[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a tandem bike. Ace is in the lead, while Gary holds snugly onto his hips.]

Ace: Always ride on the right side of the street. [rings bell]

Gary: And signal when making turns! [signals turn with right arm]

Ace: Riding at night requires special attention. A reflector suit, like Gary’s here, ensures that you’ll be seen.

[Gary is wearing gold medallions across his chest and beltline, on his knees, and over his crotch.]

Butch: See what I mean?

Willie: That don’t mean anything.

[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a motorbike in similar fashion.]

Ace: Older kids should be careful on motorbikes.

Gary: [wearing red helmet] Be sure to wear helmets!

[CUT to Butch putting a bicycle helmet.]

Ace: Attaboy, Butch!

[Ace pats Butch on the butt, and Butch looks at him in shock. CUT to Ace and Gary crossing the street together.]

Ace: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Gary: [takes Ace’s hand] And always hold hands with your buddy!

Ace: The buddy system should be used in all potentially unsafe situations, like swimming, bike riding, and showering.

Youngest Boy: They’re gay, all right!

Willie: You don’t even know what gay is!

Youngest Boy: Yeah, I do!

Ace: Let’s go to your house.

[CUT to Ace and Gary on the living room floor. Holding an electric cord, Gary is on his hands and knees while Ace kneels behind him.]

Gary: Never pull out a plug by its cord!

Ace: That’s right, Gary. Grab the plug by the male end and stick it in the hole.

Gary: Just stick it in, and don’t play with it!

Ace: Right. Don’t pull it out, just leave it in. Got it?

Kids: [stunned] Yeah.

[CUT to all of them standing in the middle of the living room.]

Ace: Break the wall down between the living room and the dining room. It opens up the area, and gives a better sense of flow from one room to the other. But that’s more a tip for your parents. [looks off to side] Hi, folks.

[CUT to a middle-aged couple peering very suspiciously through the doorway.]

Father: [softly] Uh… hi.

Ace: Let’s go for a ride.

[CUT to the Duo’s “genitalmobile,” which Ace drives while the kids sit uneasily in the back seats.]

Ace: You may not be old enough to drive. But if you’re a safe passenger, you’ve got a job to do.

[Gary leans over from the passenger seat and puts his head right over Ace’s crotch. They are seen from behind while Gary’s head bobs slightly up and down.]

Ace: Gary is making sure that the parking brake is in the proper release position. All clear, Gary?

Gary: [sits back in seat] Looking good!

[CUT to everyone standing in the Comissioner’s office.]

Commissioner: Fellas, I think these kids need to get back!

Ace: Hold on, Commissioner.

[Ace is holding Gary from behind, as though Gary is choking.]

Ace: See, kids, it’s called the Heimlich Maneuver. [squeezes Gary’s stomach]

Gary: Uhhh!

[The kids look at them suspiciously.]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?

Youngest Boy: You’re gay!

Gary: You’ll all be happy and gay if you follow our tips!

Ace: We’re gay like a fox.

Commissioner: Okay, that’s enough! Let’s everyone go home, now!

[The kids walk slowly out of the office.]

Ace and Gary: [waving] See ya, kids!

Commissioner: [uncomfortably] Uh, thanks, Ace and Gary. We… all learned a lot.

Ace: Thank YOU, Commissioner. Say, want to practice some CPR?

[Gary lies down on the desk in front of the commissioner.]

Commissioner: No, I don’t!

[FADE to Ace and Gary jumping into their “genitalmobile” and speeding off.]

Announcer: Play safe, and STAY safe! With…

Chorus: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ROLL credits and CUT to the slide reading, “WRITTEN BY ROBERT SMIGEL.” FADE to black on Lorne Michaels wrestling with the dog.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts