Author: Don Roy King

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

New York Governor’s Debate

Glenda Bach…..Melanie Hutsell
Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman
Robin Quivers…..Ellen Cleghorne
Howard Stern…..Michael McKean
Voice of Stern Supporter #1…..Jay Mohr
Voice of Stern Supporter #2…..Chris Farley
Reporter…..Sarah Silverman
Gary Dell’Abate…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Live from the Empire State Civic Center in Albany: the 1994 New York Gubernatorial Debate. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is this eveing’s moderator, Chapter President Glenda Bach.

Glenda Bach: Thank you. We have with us, tonight, the two major candidates for the office of Governor. It is my great pleasure to introduce the Incumbent: Gov. Mario Cuomo.

[ Mario Cuomo very seriously steps up to his podium ]

Glenda Bach: And now, the Libertarian candidate, making his first run for public office..

[ Robin Quivers suddenly appears over Glenda’s shoulder ]

Robin Quivers: That’s alright, I’ll take it from here. Hi, I’m Robin Quivers! Ladies and gentlemen, the King of All Media, Creator of Fart-Man, and the next governor of New York – Howard Stern!

[ Howard Stern enters the arena, holding out his arms to receive the riotous applause from his loyal fans and supporters, then steps behind his podium ]

Howard Stern: Alright, very good! Thank you, Robin! Thank you all for turning up – nice turnout!

[ Mario Cuomo sighs ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern..

Howard Stern: Yeah, it’s Howard, honey – what is it?

Glenda Bach: It’s customary to begin with the opening remarks from the Imcumbent.

Howard Stern: For him? Yeah, alright. JUst, uh.. just make it snappy, huh? I’m a busy man!

[ Robin laughs sycophantly at Howard’s comments ]

Glenda Bach: Fine. Governor Cuomo?

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Brenda. My decision.. to run a third time as Governor of the state of New York.. was prompted by my convictions-

[ Howard Stern begins to laugh rudely at Cuomo’s use of the word “convictions” in a sentence; Robin joins in laughing along with Howard ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, I’ll have to ask you to wait your turn?

Howard Stern: Yeah, I know, but, listen – I heard him talking about “convictions”, I gotta laugh! I mean, if the guy had any convictions, ah.. you know, he’d be putting murderers in the gas chamber! Where they belong!

[ Robin can’t help but to laugh, as though on command ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern!

Howard Stern: Just stuff them all in there at once, make their parents watch!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing like crazy ] Oh, Howard..!

Howard Stern: Come on, it’s all in my book!

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, please! This is the Governor’s time!

Howard Stern: Alright, don’t get your panties in a bunch! Let’s let him talk.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you. ..The conviction.. that our work is only half-done.. Now, we’ve made great strides economically.. socially..

Voice of Stern Supporter #1: We love you, Howard!!!

Voice of Stern Supporter #2: Stern rules!!! Woooooo!!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ annoyed ] ..and politically.. to bring this great state.. back into the high.. position of prominence that it-

[ Howard Stern interrupts with a belch, as Robin laughs ]

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ tries to continue ] ..The high position of-

Howard Stern: I don’t know what is wrong with my stomach!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ still trying ] ..The high position of prominence that we once–

Robin Quivers: Well, what did you eat today?

Howard Stern: The same thing I eat every day: a broiled chicken breast – no skin – and a baked potato.

Robin Quivers: Oh, wow! Did you have any coffee?

Howard Stern: I don’t drink coffee!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing ] Well, then I don’t know!

Howard Stern: I don’t know, either!

Glenda Bach: Governor Cuomo, the time allotted for your opening remarks is up.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Well, Glenda, that’s not fair. I’ve been interrupted continuously by Mr. Stern from the very beginning – now, you know that!

Howard Stern: Ah, don’t be such a crybaby! Let me show you how it’s done! Hello, I’m Howard Stern, I’m the Libertarian candidate. I’m here to touch on three things! One: bring back the death penalty, so we can get rid of some of this human garbage that we got wandering around the streets! Uh, Two: do something about these freakin’ potholes I gotta drive over on my way to work! And Three, something I feel very, very strongly about: The new Strawberry-Kiwi Cocktail from Snapple! [ holds up a bottle ] Really. This stuff is so good, I-I-I can’t even describe how good it is! Here, take a slug, Mario! [ Cuomo holds his hand up in resistence ] Come on, taste it, it’s good, you’ll like it, it’s delicious, go ahead!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ takes a sip, seeming to find it refreshing ] It’s very good.

Howard Stern: Alright, so you’re not a complete jerk!

[ Robin laughs like a hyena ]

Glenda Bach: That completes our opening remarks. We will now take questions from the audience. [ looks to the sea of reporters ] You have a question.

[ an attractive female reporter stands ]

Reporter: Yes, I do. Phyllis Comfort, Newsday. What would you propose..

Howard Stern: [ excited ] Oh, man! You are hot! You got a hot little body on you, you know that? Turn around, let me see you from the back, honey!

Reporter: Actually, I’m here to ask a question.

Howard Stern: Well, if I get the right answer, will you take your top off? [ laughs ]

Reporter: The Teachers’ Pension has been frozen at its current rate since 1990. As governor, what action would you recommend in this matter?

Howard Stern: I, uh..

[ Howard’s producer, Gary Dell’Abate, steps up to Howard’s podium ]

Gary Dell’Abate: How-howard..?

Howard Stern: Yeah, what is it, Fafa Fooie?

Gary Dell’Abate: Howard.. the car’s here to take you to Hartford. Um.. you’re doing a funeral for the WXRM morning man you destroyed.

Howard Stern: Alright, alright, very good. Uh, thanks, everybody, for turning out, I gotta go! Listen, I got a couple of plugs, a couple of plugs here! Uh.. you can catch Jackie The Joke-Man at The Comedy Pouch, in Newark, this Friday and Saturday.. don’t forget to order my new video – 1-600-52-HOWARD.. and, uh.. oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Flintstones Names

…..John Goodman

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a public service announcement from the producers of “The Flintstones”.

[ dissolve to John Goodman dressed as Fred Flintstone on rock set ]

John Goodman: Hello. I’m John Goodman. Those of you familiar with “The Flintstones” have probably noticed that the characters often have names involving stones and rocks, such as Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, and even Mr. Slate. Obviously, this can be quite disconcerting to viewers here in the 20th Century. So I’m here tonight to uexplain the key to understanding Flintonstones names. You know, it’s actually quite simple. You see.. you just take a name, add the word “stone” or “rock” to it, and.. [ snaps finger ] presto! You’re a citizen of Bedrock!

[ holds up rock slab with “Roseanne Arnold” on it ] For example, my good friend Roseanne Arnold, in the Flintstones world, would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Roseanne Arnstone. Understand?

[ holds up rock slab with “Eric Johnson” on it ] While, if your name were Eric Johnson, you would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Eric Rockson.

[ holds up rock slab with “Lewis Bowen” on it ] And Lewis Bowen would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Louis Boulder. You get it! It’s that simple!

[ holds up rock slab with “Sharon Stone” on it ] Now, if Sharon Stone lived in Bedrock, her name would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Sharon Miller.

[ holds up rock slab with “Stone Phillips” on it ] While newsman Stone Phillips would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Jason Phillips.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky Marciano” on it ] Rocky Marciano, if he were still alive, would be known as.. [ flips slab over ] ..Rocky Johnson.

[ holds up rock slab with “Chris Farley” on it ] And our own Chris Farley would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Chris Rock.

[ holds up rock slab with “Tony Curtis” on it ] Actor Tony Curtis, in the world of The Flintstones, would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Bernie Schwartz.

[ holds up rock slab with “Oliver Stone” on it ] And, finally, Oliver Stone would be known as.. [ flips slab over ] ..Rock McStoneyrock.

[ holds up rock slab with “The Rolling Stones” on it ] Now.. The Rolling Stones would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..The Who.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky” on it ] The movie “Rocky” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..”Rocky 2″.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky 2” on it ] “Rocky 2” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..”Rocky 3″.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky 3” on it ] And “Rocky 3” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..The Rocky Horror Picture Rock”.

[ holds up rock slab with “Hamburger” on it ] A hamburger would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..a brontosaurus burger.

[ holds up rock slab with “Brontosaurus” on it ] While a brontosaurus would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..a triceratops.

[ holds up rock slab with “Triceratops” on it ] A triceratops would be.. [ flips slab over to reveal a drawing of a triceratops with passengers ] ..a city bus, and people would ride on its back!

I hope this clears things up. [ holds up rock slab with “John Goodman” on it ] I’m John Goodman, or you can call me by my Flintstones name.. [ flips slab over ] ..John D. Rockefeller.

Thank you.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a public service announcement. But you can call it “a stone service rock.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Goodnights

…..John Goodman

John Goodman: Thanks for coming, you’ve been a great audience! Thank The Pretenders! Good night, everybody, and Happy Mother’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

John Goodman’s Monologue

…..John Goodman

John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fifth time! Now, as you know, tomorrow’s Mother’s Day. So, if you don’t mind.. I’d like to deliver a special message to my mother.

Mom? Growing up, you always taught me that honesty was the best policy. So now, for Mother’s Day, I’ve decided to give you the gift of truth.

Do you remember that blue vase with the hand-painted buttercups on it? Aaannndd you never figured out what happened to it? Well, I was playing Catch in the house, and I broke it. Phew! Okay, that wasn’t so bad! Let’s keep going!

Mom? You know how, in second grade, when I told you I lost my report card? Well, I threw it out because I failed Spelling.

And.. do you remember the time you left me in the parking lot, locked in the car with the windows all rolled up? I’m the one who broke the side window. It was just so hot in there. I couldn’t breathe! Also, I changed all the stations on the radio.

Oh! And you know that tiem you made me go to school for a week wearing a dress, because you’d wished you’d had a girl? Well, I have to confess, I only wore it for the first two days. The other days, I changed at a gas station. Not into pants or anything, but another dress; one that was more flattering.

And, Mom? Remember how you kept Grandma locked in the basement, because she was.. bad? Well, I used to sneak her food. I’m sorry.

And, one last thing. That time you took me for that long drive in the middle of the night, then.. dumped me on the side of the highway, and.. as you drove away, you screamed, “See ya, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” Well, the truth is, I didn’t walk home; I hitched. And I know you told me never to hitch. Sorry.

Phew! Well, there you go, Mom! I hope you have it in that great big heart of yours to firgive me. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, I love you.

Now, it’s gonna be a great show! The Pretenders are here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Ninja Pep Talk

Ninja Mike…..Mike Myers
Ninja Rob…..Rob Schneider
Ninja Dave…..David Spade
Ninja Leader…..John Goodman
Elder Ninja…..Phil Hartman
Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast…..Michael McKean
Ninja Steve…..Tim Meadows
Punctured Ninja…..Adam Sandler
Nervous Ninja…..Chris Farley

[ open on stock footage of ninjas getting their asses kicked out on the streets]

[ dissolve to the beaten ninjas limping into their hideout, trying to figure out what went wrong ]

Ninja Mike: Ow..! That.. was humiliating!

Ninja Rob: Hey – thanks for backing me up out there!

Ninja Mike: Excuse me – but what am I supposed to do when this guy’s falling down on top of me!

Ninja Dave: Like that was my idea! That guy picked me up and threw me! I think I jammed my thumb..

Ninja Rob: [ mocking ] Oh.. I think I jammed my thumb..!

[ Ninja Leader quiets the rowdy group down ]

Ninja Leader: Okay, guys, pointing fingers won’t solve anything. Now, if we want to get out of this rut.. we have to learn from these little disasters. Now, before the fight, how did we all agree we should attack the guy?

Group: All together!

Ninja Leader: And how did we attack?

Group: One at a time..

Ninja Leader: That’s right. Now, what else went wrong?

Elder Ninja: Uh.. something I know I do all the time – when the guy’s back is turned, I try to sneak up behind him.

Ninja Rob: What’s wrong with that? That makes sense!

Elder Ninja: Well.. nine times out of ten, when I’m right behind him, he gives me one of these – whack!

[ the group groans in agreement ]

Nervous Ninja: Another thing that never seems to work is.. yelling when you run up to him.

Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast: Even a really fierce yell? [ screams primally ]

Ninja Leader: Does not work. Just lets ’em know yo’re coming.

Ninja Rob: I stopped yelling years ago. Steve? I’ve got a pointer for you: when I’m running at the guy, at full speed, don’t you run from the opposite direction. He’s just gonna step aside, and we’re gonna run into each other and bump heads! Again!

Ninja Steve: I hear that!

Ninja Leader: That must have happened five or six times today. And the thing you may not realize, Steve, is that after you’re unconcious, he’s picking you up and using you as a club to hit the rest of us!

Ninja Steve: [ fascinated ] Really?!

Ninja Leader: Oh, yeah! And you nearly broke my jaw with the back of that head of yours! [ chuckles ] Anyway, let’s put tonight behind us.. and focus on the future. Any new ideas?

Elder Ninja: Well, you know, I’ve been thinking that maybe these uniforms aren’t helping us, you know? There’s no way to surprise a guy in these things, they just scream ninja!

Ninja Mike: Yeah, yeah! What if we wore something more nondescript, like, uhh.. mailman outfits!

Ninja Leader: [ shaking head ] I don’t know.. I-I think if a guy sees a dozen mailmen coming after him, he’s gonna know something’s up.

Ninja Rob: We could carry letters! And packages!

Ninja Mike: Uh, yeah – addressed to who?

Ninja Rob: It doesn’t matter! Occupant! Whatever!

[ the group breaks into a spirit of dissention ]

Ninja Leader: Okay.. okay.. okay..! Let’s not get bogged down! Any other ideas?

[ an excited ninja stands, holding a throwing star ]

Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast: Well, I’ll tell you, I’m gonna say it again. I think we are really underestimating these throwing stars. You know, I had a couple of near hits tonight. I think if we made room in the budget to buy more throwing stars.. it’s really gonna help us out.

[ a ninja stands to reveal that he’s been stabbed repeatedly by misguided throwing stars ]

Punctured Ninja: Uh.. I think, uh.. before we get any more throwing stars, uh.. you should try to concentrate on accuracy.

Ninja Leader: Uh, you want some ice or something for that?

Punctured Ninja: No, thanks.. I’m trying not to, uh.. think about it..

[ a nervous ninja stands ]

Nervous Ninja: Well, I got an idea.. If, um.. what if.. we all wore, like, spikes on our stomachs.. so.. that.. when a guy goes to kick you.. he’ll, uh.. he’ll get, like, spikes in his foot!

Ninja Leader: [ thinking ] You know.. that’s the first really intelligent thing anyone’s said today! Now, does someone have a pen? We should write that down. [ no one in the group can find a pen ] Alright, never mind.. now, you know what we should do right now? Go out, as a group, find someone, and beat him up! It doesn’t have to be anyone special! Just.. the first guy we see down in the lobby! We’re really gonna pull it together, and beat him up as a team! It’ll be a real confidence builder! Now, are you with me?!

Nervous Ninja: Let’s get on it!! Let’s do it this time!!

[ now psyched, the ninjas exit the hideout, ready for some action ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of the ninjas exiting an elevator, and attacking the first person they see. One by one, this stranger attacks and beats up every member of the ninja team. ]

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “The plucky ninjas never gave up. Over the years, they fought many more battles, never actually winning but often coming very close. Perhaps most important, the lessons they learned, and the friendships they formed as ninjas, lasted the rest of their lives.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

“Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”

Terry Gamble…..John Goodman
State Trooper Glenn McRae…..Michael McKean
Gov. Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Dispatcher’s Voice…..Ellen Cleghorne
State Trooper Warren Christopher…..Rob Schneider
Officer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Officer #2…..Jay Mohr
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: Tonight, ride with the state troopers of Arkansas on.. “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”.

[ dissolve to Terry Gamble standing in the center of police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Welcome to “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”. I’m Terry Gamble. As always, the events you see tonight are as they actually happened, videotaped in the field. In our first segment, we follow Arkansas State Trooper Glenn MacRae, as he pulls over a 1988 Mustang. At the wheel – a 25-year old co-ed from the University of Arkansas, with an okay face but a killer body.

[ dissolve to the scene ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Good evening, ma’am!

Female Motorist: Hello, Officer.

State Trooper Glenn McRae: May I see your license and registraton, please? [ Woman hands over the items; McRae looks at them with much disappointment ] Do you have a picture of yourself wearing a swimsuit or an exerise leotard?

Female Motorist: No.. I don’t think so..

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Step out of the car, please! [ Woman steps out of her car ] Ma’am, I’m gonna ask you to walk up and down alongside the vehicle several times. Please, right now. [ Woman walks up and down alongside her car ] Alright, that’s fine. Please arch your back! [ Woman arches her back stiffly ] That’s better. [ holds up pencil ‘Alright, ma’am, I’m gonna drop this pencil on the ground. Facing away from the patrol car behind us, I would like you to, uh.. bend over at the waist and pick it up. Do you understand?

Female Motorist: Yes.

[ Woman bends over to pick up pencil; McRae turns to face his patrol car, as the camera zooms in to finally receive Governor Clinton sitting in the back seat, thumbs up, with a huge, mischievious grin on his face ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Alright, ma’am, everything seems to check out fine. Would you be interested in going back to the patrol car, and performing a sex act on the governor?

Female Motorist: Uh.. sure! I guess so!

[ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Glenn McRae, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Glenn MacRae was awarded a Citation for Valour, from the Governor of Arkansas himself. To this day, no other state trooper has received so high an honor.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Every trooper who’s served on the Arkansas Highway Patrol dreads that certain phone, usually coming late at night. It’s probably the hardest and most gut-wrenching part of his job. In our final segment, a state trooper gets that call.

[ dissolve to the scene, state trooper in his patrol car ]

Dispatcher’s Voice: I’ve got Mrs. Clinton on the line. I’m gonna patch you through.

[ phone rings ]

State Trooper Warren Christopher: [ picks up ] Hello..? Yes, ma’am..! He’s not at the mansion? [ Clinton’s worried head rises away from the sexual act he’s performing in the back seat ] You’re sure..? Well, then, I’ll bet you anything he’s working late.. at the office.. Well, you know, those phones are so screwed up there.. You’ll call, and it’ll ring, and ring, and you’ll think there’s nobody there.. when, in fact, they are there.. working..! Because they-they can’t hear the-the phone.. ringing.. Yeah, but they, uh.. they can’t hear it.. ringing. Can you excuse me for one second..? [ whispering to the governor ] She’s not buying it! [ Clinton shrugs ] Anyway.. I’m sure that’s where he is.. at the office.. Oh, you’re at the office? [ pulls out his gun and fires it to feign injury ] Ow! Ow, I’ve been shot! Mrs. Clinton, I’ve been shot! Ow!

[ Clinton gives state trooper the thumbs-up for a job well done ]

[ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Warren Christopher, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Warren Christopher left the Highway Patrol in 1993. He is now Secretary of State.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Announcer: That’s all for tonight’s edition of “Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol”. Let’s see what’s coming up later tonight, on “COPS”.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight: “COPS” takes you to the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas.

[ dissolve to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Officer #1: 10-4. Right now, we got a domestic disturbance call. This is about the third call we’ve had this month at the same address. We gotta check ’em all out.

[ two officers approach the back door of Governor’s Mansion ]

Officer #1: [ knocks on door ] Governor Clinton? We got some complaints about a domestic disturbance?

Bill Clinton: There’s nothing wrong! Beat it!

Officer #1: You can open up the door now or not, sir, but we’re coming in.

[ door is opened ]

Officer #1: [ sighs ] Alright, sir, you wanna tell us what happened here?

Bill Clinton: Nothing.

Officer #1: Nothing! It doesn’t look like nothing to me! She beat you up pretty good, didn’t she?

Bill Clinton: No one beat me up.

Officer #1: No one beat you up, huh? Hmm. Then, what happened, then?

Bill Clinton: [ hesitant ] Fell down.

Officer #1: You fell down? Well, that’s not what it sounded like to the neighbors. They said they heard quite a brawl going on oer here!

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? You don’t know. Where’s your wife, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know much, do you, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know..

[ Second Officer puts his ear against closet door ]

Officer #2: Bobby, it sounds like there’s somebody in here..

Bill Clinton: [ defensive ] Nobody’s in there! That’s just a closet!

Officer #2: [ knocking on closet door ] Mrs. Clinton, could you come out here, please?

[ the sound of a pot hitting the floor ]

Officer #2: Mrs. Clinton, we know you’re in there!

[ the closet door slowly opens, as a mussed Hillary Clinton teeters out, clutching a bottle of whiskey ]

Officer #1: Well, ma’am! you did quite a number on him, didn’t you?

Hillary Clinton: I guess so.

Officer #1: You guess so? Huh! I guess so, too! You been drinking tonight, ma’am?

Hillary Clinton: A l’il bit.

Officer #1: Now, ma’am, when’s this gonna stop? [ Hillary looks away ] Look at me! Look at me when I’m talking to you, don’t look away! When’s this gonna stop?

Hillary Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? Well, I’ll tell you something – this is the fifth or sixth time we’ve come down here this month, and we’re getting a ltitle tired of it. [ turns to Bill ] Do you wanna press charges for assault?

Bill Clinton: Nah, that’s okay..

Officer #1: Well, I can tell you, sir, you know.. unless you press charges, we can’t do nothing about it. Now.. she’s gonna keep on doing this. And, one of these days, sir, she’s gonna kill you.

Bill Clinton: [ smirks ] But.. she loves me.

Officer #1: Well, she sure do got a funny way of showing it!

Bill Clinton: I guess.

Officer #1: You guess.

[ dissolve back to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Boy, I tell ya – doing this job, you see things like that that just.. break your heart. That is so pitiful. That is just sad. Well.. there’s nothing we can do, I guess.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight. On “COPS”.

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..David Spade

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Well, Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa this week. Mr. Mandela broke a long-stading political pattern: he went to jail before becoming a politician.

Princess Diana threatened lawsuits this week against any British publication that prints topless photos of her taken on vacation in Spain last week. If published, it would be the first time in two years Prince Charles had seen her naked.

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a commentary, our new Music Correspondent David Spade. David?

David Spade: Aw, thank you! Thanks. People, there’s an epidemic going around the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I’m not talking about chlamydia. But, good guess. No, I’m talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, and they have the nerve to not sing their biggest hits. It happens more often than you’d think, and I feel I must speak up.

For instance, six months ago I went to see Bob Segar. Now, after two-and-a-half hours, Mr. Segar walked off the stage without singing “Night Moves”. That was pure balls, ladies and gentlemen. It made me want to throw, like, a rock at, like, his head.

But it gets worse. I saw Men Without Hats. No “Safety Dance”. Pure balls. 100% nuts.

Even Barney doesn’t sing “I Love You, You Love Me” live. True story: I was in the mosh pit thinking, “Hmm.. if that’s not pure nads, I don’t know what is.”

On second thought, I do know what it is! When I was 22, I saw Big Country in concert, and, guess what? They didn’t even sing “Big Country”! Why else are you on the planet? It’s the name of your band, hard to forget! Huh? Yeah! What? Uh-huh!

Sometimes these old rockers – like The Stones or Rod Stewart – will throw you a medley crumb. I get five bars of “Brown Sugar” and “Tumblin’ Dice”, to make room for every song off the new album. By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

And, any band that still includes a bass solo in their show – pure balls.

And, while we’re on the subject of testicles, remember when John Oates left Hall & Oates? This was the same kind of thinking that had Fisher Stevens break up with Michelle Pfeiffer so he could get prettier girls. By the way, I went to see Oates in concert. He opened up for the three-headed lobster boy at the circus. It was a good show. He did a “Maneater/Kiss On Your List” medley together, it wasn’t bad.

So, in closing, Kevin, in closing, I’m going to see Laura Branigan tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, and, uh.. I have some advice for her: open and close with “Gloria”. Do it a couple times in between, alright? Thank you very much!

Kevin Nealon: David Spade, ladies and gentlemen.

Some disappointing news: a recent study reveals that eating a medium-sized bag of theater popcorn is equivalent to eating six Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorn with butter flavoring is equivalent to eating eight Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorm topped with butter and six Big Macs, is like eating fourteeen Big Macs.

In our final story, in observance of Mother’s Day, for the second year in a row, an NCI survey has named Kathie Lee Gifford the Nation’s Best Mother. But, after 23 years, the Baddest Mother is still Shaft. Happy Mother’s Day, Shaft!

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 14th, 1994

Heather Locklear

Janet Jackson

Jay Leno

Janet Jackson, “Any Time, Any Place”

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Heather Locklear’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Eych!

The hairball remover cats ask for by name.

Melrose Place

Wayne (Mike Myers) fantasizes he’s slept with Amanda (Locklear) in Melrose Place.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell.

Hot Button

Recurring Characters: Clarence Thomas, Ted Kennedy.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Homophobic Norm MacDonald thinks Kevin Nealon is making a pass at him.

Adam Sandler sings about his forbidden summer loves.

Recurring Characters: Captain Jim.

The Flirt

Man (Kevin Nealon) and woman (Locklear) one-up each other with silent flirts.

Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney (Norm MacDonald) shows off envelopes sent in by viewers.

Amazing Time Savers

Aamzing pasta maker is distracted by host’s (Locklear) racist remarks.

L’Homme d’Orgasme

Orgasm Guy’s (Rob Schneider) French cousin is just like him.

Recurring Characters: Orgasm Guy.

So Long, Farewell

SNL’s recurring characters sing goodbye for the summer.

Recurring Characters: Lucy, Kristy, Tori Spelling, Ike Turner, Linda Richman, Zoraida, Richmeister, Pat, Matt Foley.

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Lila Klein…..Heather Locklear

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. With me today celebrating her 54th birthday is my dear friend and landlady is Lila Klein. Happy Birthday Lila.

Lila Klein: Some birthday. I’m going through menopause my zorch is on fire.

Linda Richman: Interesting story. Lila and I grew up without a posh a pitin and now look at her. She’s a big real estate mucky muck.

Lila Klein: What can I say? I married well, went to school for my P.H.D. and came out with my M.R.S.

Linda Richman: That is some ring.

Lila Klein: It’s a canbarely.

Linda Richman: What’s a canbarely?

Lila Klein: I can barely lift it.

Linda Richman: Start.

Lila Klein: By the way Linda you lost some weight. Ypu’re too skinny, kind of oyskedot. You look like that Calvin Klein model. What’s her name? Peat Moss?

Linda Richman: Kate Moss. And I wish. I would love to be anorexic for 3 months just until I reach my goalweight. Okay the big news is that Barbra Streisand opened in Washington, and guess who’s got a ticket for when she comes to New York?

Lila Klein: I’m dying. I’m dying.

Linda Richman: Don’t die. I don’t want to have to clean it up.

Lila Klein: Anyway how did you get it?

Linda Richman: My sister’s husband Sid went to the same bungalow colony in the Catskills with the nephew of the guys who’s neighbor is Barbra’s booking agent’s father. It was a piece of cake.

Lila Klein: I’d do anything to see Barbra on stage, but that’s okay. I’ll just sit here in the corner in the dark and eat wet cigarettes like a dawg.

Linda Richman: Lila, here is the other ticket. Happy Birthday.

Lila Klein: You didn’t. I have to call my dawter(walks off set)

Linda Richman: I understand call your dawter. She’s beautiful say hello. I can’t believe she left, but she’s going to call her dawter, and now I’m a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Morman Tabernackle Choir was neither Morman nor Tabernackle, nor a Choir Discuss! There I feel better. Okay let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello my name is Tina Weena. and I was willing to spend…

Linda Richman: Wait, your name is Tina Weena?

Caller #1: Yeah Tina Weena. I use it to my advantage.

Linda Richman: I knew someone who’s first name was Nancy and her last name was Schiance. Nancy and Schiance. Hand to god. What parents do to children. I’ts a shanda na happa fech pooh pooh pooh fuh la tappa de prechs Nisch kia fecs midla capesta dech a scounchea grabiyuhnk goya fuz mirsco cyanahea provitzu a poonum. I’m not finished! Ye canahafa ofa yompkins se yenvon shumpkha de hamenschef will do a mitzvah from a miyah a zurfa and EIA SCHIENGEL! Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hi Linda, I wanted to see Barbra, but I wouldn’t pay $350. for a ticket.

Linda Richman: Excuse me let me ask you a question would you pay $1 a day to hear Barbra sing?

Caller #2: Of course.

Linda Richman: Well that comes to $365 leaving you to get a baby sitter and dinner. It’s a bargoon. To take your negative comments elsewhere you nasty pig! We have time for one last call. Hello?

Caller #3: Linda, what’s that show called taped from Jersey? Is it Tuesday Morning.

Linda Richman: No it’s Live from New York it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!

(scene fades as the show begins)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Eych!

Cat Owner…..Ellen Cleghorne

Cat Owner: Fluffy? [ places cat bowl with food next to Fluffy, who ignores it ] What’s wrong, Fluffy?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Fluffy? Are you okay?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide a second time ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Poor Fluffy..

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide again once again ] Eych!

[ the Cat Owner figures out what’s wrong and grabs some Eych! Hairball Remover ]

Announcer: Eych! It’s the only hairball remover that cats ask for.. by name.

[ three hairbell-clogged cats sing the Eych! jingle with the accompaniment of a bouncing ball ]

Cats: Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych!

Announcer: Eych! Hasn’t your cat already asked for it?

Fluffy: [ finally coughs up a hairball ] Eych!

Announcer: Brought to you by Hyko, the makers of.. [ a diapered monkeys screams “IEEEE!” ] ..the diapers for monkeys.

SNL Transcripts