Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nightline

[ open on man overlooking pool ]

[ dog walks across the length of the pool, as the Man watches from the opposite side ]

[ Man undresses ]

[ the dog jumps into the water and swims across ]

[ Man looks on, then reaches in to pull the dog out of the water ]

[ they kiss passionately, the dog humps the man’s leg ]

[ show Man diving into the water ]

[ fade to product ]

Announcer: Canis. Cologne for Dogs. From Calvin Klein. Now available at Macy’s.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I bet for an Indian,
shooting an old fat
pioneer woman with an arrow,
and she fires her shotgun
into the ground as she falls over,
is like the top thing you can do.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Sometimes I think the world
has gone completely mad.
And then I think, “Aw, who cares?”
And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Tiny Elvis

Tiny Elvis…..Nicolas Cage
Red…..Kevin Nealon
Sonny…..Rob Schneider
Driver…..Chris Farley

[ open on Tiny Elvis’s mansion, Tiny E. and the boys in the living room ]

Tiny Elvis: Hey, Sonny, Red, you boys having a good time?

Red: Count on it, Tiny Elvis.

Sonny: Takin’ care of business, Tiny E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s good man, that’s real good. Hey, Sonny, Red! Look how big that lamp is, man! That’s hu-u-uge!

Sonny: [ laughs ]

Red: That’s right, E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, man, I don’t know how I’d ever turn that thing off, man. That is enormous!

Sonny: That’s right, Elvis, that’s a big lamp! [ slaps his knee ]

Tiny Elvis: Sure is, man. That’s a really big lamp!

Red: That’s hilarious, Elvis!

Sonny: Yeah, Elvis, you’re really funny!

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man.. look at that salt shaker, man. That is huge! Man, I’ll never be able to use all that salt, man. That is way too much!

Red: Yeah, that’s a big salt shaker, Elvis!

Tiny Elvis: Sure is huge, man.

Sonny: That’s hilarious, Elvis!

Red: Score another one for the Tiny E!

Sonny: Man, we can’t keep up with you!

Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying it’s a big salt shaker, that’s all.

Red: [ laughing ] There he goes again! That’s why he’s the Tiny E.

Sonny: Hey, stand next to it. Come on, E, that’d be real cute!

Tiny Elvis: [ taking offense ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying, man?

Sonny: What’s the matter, Tiny E?

Tiny Elvis: What, are you calling me “cute”, man?

Sonny: I’m sorry, Tiny E..

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man, I’m not cute! I’m a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!

Sonny: I’m sorry. Sorry.

Tiny Elvis: Well, I could split your lip in 79 kicks, man!

Red: Well, he didn’t mean anything by it, Tiny Elvis.

Tiny Elvis: Well, alright.. let’s go for a ride.

Red: I’m with you, Elvis.

Sonny: Count me in, Tiny E.

Tiny Elvis: Well, tell Joe to bring the car around.

[ the scene shifts to the boys riding with Tiny Elvis in his car. Tiny Elvis stands atop the dashboard. ]

Tiny Elvis: Turn left here, man!

Driver: You’re the man, Elvis.

Sonny: Good call, Tiny King.

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man! Look at that knob on that radio! Man, that is hu-u-uge!

[ the boys laugh ]

Sonny: Man, you’re going tonight, Tiny E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying that’s a big knob, that’s all. Alright, it looks pretty dead out. Tiny E’s gonna get some shuteye. [ curls up on the dashboard ]

Driver: You do that, Tiny E!

Sonny: Oh, look at him, Red. That’s adorable!

Red: Yeah, he looks like a tiny mouse.

Driver: You know what would be really cute? If Elvis would lay his little head down on a miniature marshmallow.

Red: [ laughing ] Hey, put a little acorn on his head and use it for a helmet!

[ the boys laugh harder ]

Sonny: Man, he’s so cute, he’s like a buttercup!

[ the boys keep laughing, as Tiny Elvis wakes up ]

Tiny Elvis: Oh, what’s that, man? What’s this buttercup stuff, man?

Driver: Oh.. we’re sorry, Elvis.. We thought you was asleep..

Tiny Elvis: [ outraged ] What, you doing that again?! Who’s the buttercup, ME?!

Sonny: We’re sorry, Elvis..

Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s it! Out of the car, all of you!

[ the Driver slams on the brakes and they all exit the car ]

Driver: Alright.

Red: Good call.

Sonny: You’re the King, Tiny E!

[ the scene shifts to Tiny Elvis kneeling against the dashboard, with one hand gripped to the steering wheel ]

Tiny Elvis: Oh, man! Look at this steering wheel! That is hu-u-uge!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nicolas Cage’s Monologue

…..Nicolas Cage
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Chris Farley

Nicolas Cage: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! First show, 18th season, that to me is cool! Come on! You know, this has really been a terrific Fall – I’ve got a hit movie out, “Honey moon In Vegas”.. but, for me, the most fun thing about the movie was working with Sarah Jessica Parker. I mean, she was real funny, and really great.. and she has the most beautiful, big breasts. I mean, they were so pretty, and I was, like, this close to them every day! It was just.. it was so fun! The last time I had that much fun, it was “Moonstruck”, because Cher has this, this really incredibly, beautiful ass! I mean, it’s so great! I have to tell you – if you ever see Cher in peron, do yourself a favor, get up close to her and see for yourself. But I think it would really be unfair if I didn’t mention Kathleen Turner..

Director’s Voice: [ interrupting ] Uh.. Nick.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah? Davey.

Director’s Voice: Could you come backstage for a minute, I think Lorne wants to talk to you.

Nicolas Cage: Uh.. okay. [ to the audience ] I’ll be right back. [ walks past a female page ] It’s going pretty good, huh? I was a little nervous at first.. but once I got rolling – POW!! [ reaches Lorne in the hall ] Hi! Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Nick, thanks for coming back. I wanted to talk to you about something.

Nicolas Cage: Okay, but if it’s not too long, because I really don’t want to lose the audience.

Lorne Michaels: Look, Nick, I think you should stop talking about your leading ladies’.. body parts.

Nicolas Cage: Okay.. um.. may I ask why?

Lorne Michaels: Well, I-I-I think the audience kind of finds that offensive.

Nicolas Cage: Wh-hy? It’s true, isn’t it? What, am I wrong about Sarah’s breasts? They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. of course, Sarah’s breasts are beautiful. I just don’t want the audience to think you’re sexist.

Nicolas Cage: Sexist?! I’m not sexist! That’s the last thing I am!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, Nick. If you’re going to talk about killer bods, I think you should mention.. Sophia Coppola.

Nicolas Cage: [ outraged, grabs Lorne ] HEY!! THAT’S MY COUSIN!!

Lorne Michaels: You see..? I-I-I-I did that to prove a point. You see, when you’re talking about someone that’s close to you, it’s different, isn’t it?

Nicolas Cage: [ now understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, you’re right! Oh, God! They must hate me! I mean, what are we going to do?!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.

Nicolas Cage: [ nervous ] Well, they-they-they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!

Lorne Michaels: No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.

Nicolas Cage: Well, maybe if I just go out, and retract everything, just take it all back..

Lorne Michaels: No, no.. I think dropping the whole subject is the way to go.

Nicolas Cage: No, I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Okay.

Chris Farley: [ excited to see Cage walk past him ] Hey, the monologue’s going great, man!

[ Cage returns to Home Base ]

Nicolas Cage: Uh.. uh, one thing I forgot to mention – James Caan is also in the movie.. and he has the best ass! Believe me, Cher’s got nothing on James Caan! Well, we’ve got a great show tonight! Bobby Brown is here! Great ass!! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Leon Norwood…..Nicolas Cage
Undecided Male Voter 1…..Chris Farley
Undecided Male Voter 2…..Adam Sandler
Undecided Female Voter 1…..Melanie Hutsell
Undecided Male Voter 3…..Rob Schneider
Beverly Timko…..Julia Sweeney
Undecided Female Voter 2…..Ellen Cleghorne

[ open on Ted Koppel standing in front of a brick wall ]

Ted Koppel: The presidential election is just thirty-eight days away. And, still, many viewers remain undecided, disillusioned and alienated. Candidates on both sides find themselves in the position of a young man dating a very neurotic woman: He can wine her, dine her, and sweet talk her all he wants, but he still might not get any. Tonight, a cross-section of these undecided voters are in our studio, and they’ll be given a chance to do something unusual in a presidential campaign: They’ll talk directly to one of the candidates, and voice their concerns.

[ dissolve to “Nightline” logo ]

[ dissolve back to Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel. And thiiiis… is “Nightline”. Our guest tonight is Gov. Bill Clinton, who is joined by his wife Hillary. Welcome, Gov. and Mrs. Clinton.

[ pan to reveal Bill and Hillary Clinton, as Bill stands to take his own podium ]

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Ted. I appreciate the chance to be here tonight to talk to these nice people about the REAL issue in this campaign: the economy.

Ted Koppel: Well, Governor, let’s take our first question from one of our undecided voters. Yes, Sir?

Leon Norwood: Hello, Governor. My name is Leon Norwood. I heard you say in a speech you were gonna cut middle-class taxes to increase consumer spending.

Bill Clinton: Yes.

Leon Norwood: Well… isn’t that the same old tax-and-spend we always hear?

Bill Clinton: Well, Leon, I meant we would cut your taxes, so you would have more to spend.

Leon Norwood: There it is! “Tax” and “Spend”.

Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, if I may, Sir. [ to Leon ] Just because the words “tax” and “spend” appear in the same sentence, it doesn’t make it a bad thing. There are other words in there — verbs and modifiers that change the meaning.

Bill Clinton: Well, actually, Ted, Leon has a really good point, and I apologize if I haven’t made myself understood. [ Hillary smiles at Bill ] Our economic plan would include a middle-class tax cut, investment in the infrastructure, education and job training paid for by taxes on the rich.

Ted Koppel: [ to Leon ] Does that help at all?

Leon Norwood: No. I’m sorry, I’m just not satisfied with your answer. I wish I could be… but I’m not.

[ Leon storms off the stage ]

Ted Koppel: Alright. Do we have a question for Mr. Clinton? Yes, Sir?

Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh-uhhhh… yeah… uh — I was watching television, and, uh — that thing in New York? Where you got the job that you got now? And, uh, everybody talked about how you’re gonna, uh, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, and, uh — do — do real good. You know, where all those guys were in New York?

Ted Koppel: The convention. The Democratic Convention.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Right, Ted! [ he shakes his head ] And… then, there was this other thing where these days, uh, were saying that what you were saying was wrong. And, uh, you shouldn’t be doing it, and… that it… that it was bad?

Ted Koppel: The Republican Convention.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Right.

Ted Koppel: Go ahead, please.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Well… I got really bored.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is a really good point. Sometimes I wonder how we, as politicians, can get so bogged down in this campaign rhetoric that we forget the real issues like health care, jobs, and education. And that’s why I’m here tonight: to answer your questions.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh… I didn’t have a question.

Ted Koppel: Then, sit down… NOW! [ he returns to his seat, as another undecided voter saunters forward ] And, audience, please: Before you step up to the mike, please have a question in mind.

[ Undecided Male Voter 2 gives this a moment’s thought, then returns to his seat as well ]

[ Undecided Female Voter 1 steps forward ]

Ted Koppel: Ma’am? Do you have a question?

Undecided Female Voter 1: See, it’s like, you look all around, and you see all this stuff? And, everybody’s got stuff but me! Where’s mine?! Where’s MY stuff?! I’m young, man! I should have stuff, too! WHERE’S MY STUFF?!!

Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a really good point. I hear this a lot. I think if this election is about anything, it’s about… “stuff”. It’s about the fact that, under Reagan, Bush, Quayle, more people are working harder and harder for less stuff.

[ Hillary nods and smiles ]

Undecided Female Voter 1: [ twitching ] Where’s my stuff, man?!

Bill Clinton: Exactly! Where is your stuff? We’re in danger of raising the first generation of Americans who… will have less stuff than their parents.

Undecided Female Voter 1: Stuff! Yeah!

Ted Koppel: So, has Gov. Clinton influenced the way you will vote?

Undecided Female Voter 1: I’m… not voting ’til I get my stuff!

Ted Koppel: Your lips are moving, but I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Thank you. [ she returns to her seat, as another undecided voters steps up ] Yes. Your question?

Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, Governor? In all the talk in the election, I have yet to hear either candidate say a word about the economy. People are out of work. Now, if you have a plan to get us out of this mess, I wish you’d tell us!

Ted Koppel: I believe the governor has already answered that question.

Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t.

Ted Koppel: Yes, he did.

Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, no, he didn’t.

Ted Koppel: Yes… he did.

Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t!

Ted Koppel: Look, it may not be an answer that you like, and it may not be an answer that I like. But I will tell you, and you WILL believe me — he DID answer the question!

Undecided Male Voter 3: I — I don’t think so.

Ted Koppel: Don’t make me come down there and SLAP you around! Don’t think I won’t, I’m incredibly strong.

[ an older woman stands up and waves at Ted ]

Ted Koppel: Now, does the lady behind you have a question for Gov. Clinton?

Beverly Timko: Yes, uh — I’m Beverly Timko, and, actually, my question is more for Hillary Clinton.

[ Hillary jumps to her feet, greatly alarmed ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh — no. No, no — really. I’m not here for questions, I’m here to support Bill and to do this. [ she smiles ]

Ted Koppel: Really?

Beverly Timko: Well, uh — uh — it’s not a political question.

Hillary Clinton: Oh. Well, I — [ she glances at Bill ]

Bill Clinton: Go ahead.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Bill Clinton: Just do it. [ to Beverly ] What’s your question?

Beverly Timko: Uh — uh — I heard that — I heard you gave a recipe for cookies on the “Today” show, and I missed the ingredients, and I was just wondering if you could give them to me.

Hillary Clinton: [ cheerily ] Well, Beverly, I would love to! It’s a cookie I make for Chelsea and Bill —

Bill Clinton: Take it from me, they’re great!

[ they laugh ]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you! I call them Chewy Chocolate Chip. It’s very basic: a cup of flour, teaspoon of soda, teaspoon of salt, a cup of unsalted butter, a cup of sugar, a cup of brown sugar, two eggs, and a 12-ounce bag of chocolate chips. Nuts are optional!

Ted Koppel: Ma’am, I trust her answer was satisfactory?

Beverly Timko: Actually… no.

[ Hillary frowns ]

Ted Koppel: In what way was it unsatisfactory?

Beverly Timko: Well, uh — she didn’t really say what the ingredients were to the cookies.

Ted Koppel: I believe that she did.

Beverly Timko: Well… she didn’t say anything about butter.

Ted Koppel: She did mention one cup of unsalted butter.

Beverly Timko: Well, if you say she did, she did — but I know what I heard.

Bill Clinton: Uh, Ted, in all fairness to the lady, maybe it is Hillary’s fault.

Hillary Clinton: [ fuming ] No! No!

Bill Clinton: I’m just saying that, sometimes you can get so specific in giving the recipe, that the overall vision of the cookie is lost.

Hillary Clinton: No. No, no, no, no. I said butter! Ted?

Ted Koppel: She did say butter.

Beverly Timko: Whatever. She did not answer my question. Thank you. [ she steps away ]

Hillary Clinton: Well! Would you like me to talk slower? Maybe I could draw PICTURES!!

Bill Clinton: Alright, let it go…

Hillary Clinton: Go ahead — don’t vote for him! I’ll be fine! I have a job! I’M A LAWYER!!

Ted Koppel: Mrs. Clinton — Mrs. Clinton, I could watch you go on all night. You’re like a sex-crazed sex kitten with a whip, and it’s exciting to watch. And we only have time for one more question. Yes, Ma’am?

Undecided Female Voter 2: Governor Clinton, uh — why… do movies cost so much? Not to make, but to go see.

Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a very good question —

Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, that is NOT a good question.

Bill Clinton: Well, Ted, every voter is important —

Ted Koppel: Governor, try to salvage some shred of dignity. You’re leading, for God’s sake. [ to the camera ] Thank you for joining us. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiis… has been “Nightline”.

[ dissolve to logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Chris Rock
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon. [ turns to face second camera ] And I’m Kevin Nealon. And now, our top story.

A Colorado woman was arrested this week for stalking the President with a loaded revolver. A court-appointed psychiatrist examined the woman, found her to be competent, and returned the gun.

And, in a peace offering to “Murphy Brown”‘s baby this week, Dan Quayle sent a handwritten note of welcome, along with a cute, stuffed animal.

Kevin Nealon: Well, a Gallop Poll shows that 78% of American voters feel that the media manipulates too many people into believing what they want them to believe. [ faces the audience to delive a subliminal commentary ] I would have to disagree with that. I mean, you can’t tell someone who to vote for – Clinton – The media simply covers the day’s events – Iran Contra – whether it’s Bush’s proposed economic plan – Big Joke – or whether it’s Perot deciding whether or not to re-enter the race – Don’t Bother – or the feud between Hollywood and Dan Quayle – Idiot – I do think, however, that the media should back off of Mr. Quayle – Big Wedgie – Now I would definitely say that voters make up their own minds – Clinton – I really do.

Al Gore this week.

Following the final break of the Soviet Union, former President Mikhael Gorbachev has revealed the secret of his famous birthmark, and shocked onlookers by wiping it off with his hand. “It was just a decal,” said the fun-loving Russian.

Kevin Nealon: As you all know it is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live and most of us here feel that it is like the first day of school. Here, with his comments, is Chris Rock.

Chris Rock: Thank you, Kevin, Thank you. Now for most people the first day of school is a happy time, but not for me. You know why, because I was buster school. That meant I had to wake up every morning at 6 o’clock and go to school and compete with white kids that didn’t have to wake up until 8. Now that’s not fair. Say I got a low mark on a test and I got a teacher going ” Chris can’t read.” Well, Chris is tired, give me a nap and I’ll pass the damn test. You know why I hated school. I hated school, because I was the only black kid in my grade. I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin. 25 years, not one line. You know everybody’s got their own little character. You know, Linus has the blanket, Lucy’s a bitch, Schmoly plays the piano, Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. Give him something, damn, give him a Jamaican accent or something(speaks in Jamaican accent), “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone”. 25 years man, and they never even invited him to the parties. No, but Snoopy’s dancing his ass off. I got to go, man I don’t know what to say. A damn dog. (referring to Snoopy dancing)

Kevin Nealon: Thank you Chris. Chris Rock everybody.

Kevin Nealon: And now, for a look at people in the news, here’s “Update” correspondent, Operaman.

Operaman: [ singing ] Gracia, Kevin, Gracia.

[ pictured: Ross Perot ]
Perot es candidato
No, no candidato
Si, candidato
No, no candidato
Do ah poopa
Or get off da potta!

[ pictured: Mia Farrow ]
Oh solo mia
Mia solo
Soon-Yi incesta
Woody addio

[ pictured Madonna ]
Es Madonna?
No, es Bambina
Es Madonna?
No, es Virgin-ah
Ah! El cracko!
Es Madonna!

[ pictured: Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown ]
Enuffo! Enuffo!
“Topico over exposo!”

[ pictured: Jay Leno ]
Leno chin-o. El produche.
Mucho close-oh Mucho boffo
El peacocko ultimatum
Leno chin-o blow her off-oh.

[ pictured: Sarah Ferguson ]
Fergia, Fergia
Nippola, Nippola
Nippola, Nippola
Nippola, Nippola
Cantalopas el protrudo
Operaman grande stiffo
Bye-bye!

[ Kevin gives Operaman a standing ovation, as do Nicholas Cage and Cher from the audience ]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.

Former mayor Marion Barry, in the race for a D.C. City Council seat, has a new slogan: “Vote For Me, I’m Still a Crack Politician.”

Geraldo Rivera celebrated his show’s 1,000th episode this week. Appropriately, that’s just about enough videotape to stretch to Uranus and back.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Husbands And Wives

Woody Allen…..Dana Carvey
Soon-Yi Previn…..Rob Schneider
Fan…..Chris Farley
Mia Farrow…..Jan Hooks
Alan Dershowitz…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Roberts…..Adam Sandler
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, movie theater playing “Husbands And Wives”. Wood Allen exits, nervous, neurotic ]

Woody Allen: That was humiliating! I gotta get out of here, I mean, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it! I don’t even know where Soon-Yi is, I mean.. [ Soon-Yi exits theater ] Oh, there you are!

Fan: Hey! Great movie!

Woody Allen: Yeah.. sure.. great movie, sure..

Fan: Boy, you sure are a sleazebag!

Woody Allen: Yeah. Okay. Well, that does it. Can we go now, or should I just move in with Salmen Rushdie?

Soon-Yi Previn: I think you’re paranoid, Woody. It’s an important work, everybody loved it.

Woody Allen: Yeah. Yeah. Of course, she takes one college film course, suddenly she’s Susan Sondheim.

Soon-Yi Previn: So, I’m just a joke to you?! Like that girl in the movie?

Woody Allen: Wh-wh-what are you saying? No. You’re a.. beautiful, intelligent woman! You.. you’ve changed my life in meaningful wa-ays. I mean.. didn’t you read the Time interview? I raved about you!

Soon-Yi Previn: I’m just trying to help!

Woody Allen: I know, I’m just a.. I’m just a little.. a little uptight.

Soon-Yi Previn: [ looks off-camera ] Oh, no.

Woody Allen: What? What, now?

Soon-Yi Previn: Look who’s in line.

[ camera pans over to show Mia Farrow with Alan Dershowitz ]

Woody Allen: Oh, no.. what is she doing in town? I mean, I thought she’d be over in Bosnia.. cruising orphanages.

Soon-Yi Previn: They’re coming this way.

Woody Allen: [ panicking ] Oh, great! I never should have seen this movie on the west side!

Mia Farrow: Hi, Woody. Hi, Soon-Yi.

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. this is.. this is awkward..

Mia Farrow: Yeah. You know Alan Dershowitz, huh?

Alan Dershowitz: Uh, yes. We’ve met.

Woody Allen: Great.. great.. so, what, are you double-dating Claus van Bulow now?

Mia Farrow: Woody, come on, don’t make a scene! He’s good with the kids!

Woody Allen: Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Well, what do they all do, go in the den and play Character Assassination?

Mia Farrow: Oh, you know, why can’t you let me have a life? I-I-I..

Woody Allen: What?!

Mia Farrow: I’m finally getting out again..

Woody Allen: No, that’s cra-zy!

Mia Farrow: You’re attacking me..

Woody Allen: No! I’m not attacking you! You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman! I’m.. I’m actually getting turned on by you!

Mia Farrow: Oh, no..

Woody Allen: I’ve never seen this side of you before.. it’s very sexy..

Mia Farrow: No, come on, you get turned on by the silliest things..

Woody Allen: [ looking about ] I don’t.. I don’t believe this..

Mia Farrow: What?

Woody Allen: It’s.. it’s Tony Roberts. This is very awkward! I mean, I haven’t used him in a movie since “Hannah”.. Is he coming over here?

Mia Farrow: Yeah. Say “Hi.”

[ Tony Roberts walks up ]

Tony Roberts: Hey, Woody.

Woody Allen: Hi. You know Mia.. Soon-Yi..

Tony Roberts: Yeah. Look, uh.. is there something I’ve done?

Woody Allen: What? No-o-o-o..!

Tony Roberts: Are you pissed off at me?

Woody Allen: No, are you cra-zy..?

Tony Roberts: I mean, I did that Afterschool Special – I tried to get your permission.

Woody Allen: No.. no..

Tony Roberts: I-I thought we were good together.

Woody Allen: You’re a wonderful, terrific, intelligent sidekick!

Tony Roberts: I mean, summer stock’s great, but I gotta pay the bills.

Woody Allen: No, I’ll-I’ll-I’ll use you again, I promise!

Tony Roberts: Max – call me. [ exits ]

Woody Allen: I’ll call you.

Mia Farrow: Woody, listen.. you handled that very well.. you did!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia, are we going in now?

Woody Allen: Yeah, what, does she own you?

Mia Farrow: Why are you doing this?!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia!

Woody Allen: I’m turned on! The heart doesn’t know from logic!

[ Frank Sinatra enters scene ]

Frank Sinatra: Forget it, Woodcock!

Mia Farrow: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: I let you fly the coop once, Mia, baby! now I’m clipping your wings! I can’t bear to watch you play Musical Jews!

Woody Allen: Yeah, this is crazy! You could be her father!

Frank Sinatra: Look – we’re all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy’s gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake – you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you’re a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!

Mia Farrow: What are you talking about? Listen, you’re not making any sense!

Frank Sinatra: Look, cut me some slack, baby. I’m 80 years old! I’m happy if I remember the first line to “Summer Wind”. I think it’s.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Ed MacMahon…..Phil Hartman
Jay Leno…..Kevin Nealon
Arsenio Hall…..Chris Rock
Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
David Brenner…..Adam Sandler
Joan Embrey…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on The Tonight Show set, final show with Johnny and Ed decked out in tuxedos ]

Johnny Carson: Yes! [ audience applauds wildly ] Anyway.. anyway.. let’s, uh.. that’s very nice. That band is terrific! Anyway, we are back! and, um.. Ed, you know, I just realized th-th-that’s the last time I’ll be saying “We are back! It feels, uh.. it feels a little weird!

Ed MacMahon: [ as expected ] YES!!

Johnny Carson: Now, uh.. for those of you who are just joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk!

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Yooooou arrre correct, SIR!! YEEEESSS!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: He was holed up in his office for an hour before the show, and this is, uh.. sort of what happened. I guess everyone has their own way, a sort of.. dealing with changes.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! Feeling NO pain, sir! Ha ha..! Totally BLITZED, O Great One! YES!! Ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. this has been a fun week. Clint Eastwod visited us, Qieen Elizabeth, Dom DeLuise was here. But tonight: it’s just me and Ed, uh.. we’re sort of sitting back, taking stock of the past 30 years.

Ed MacMahon: [ feeling groggier with each passing second ] That we are.. O Out-of-Focus One! Ha ha ha-ha..!

Johnny Carson: I’m right here, Ed. For those of you who don’t know – when alcohol enters your bloodstream, it can sort of, uh.. tend to blur your vision.. and that was.. what Ed was referring to.

Ed MacMahon: Ha ha..! [ a quick beat ] YES!! Ha ha.. ha..

Johnny Carson: Anyway, alright.. well, we’re winding down and, Ed, you know, we’ve had a lot of fun tonight, and, uh-

Ed MacMahon: [ suddenly ] NO!!

Johnny Carson: [ confused ] No?

Ed MacMahon: ..I just wanted to see what it would be like to disagree with you once..

Johnny Carson: I see.. Are you finished?

Ed MacMahon: [ not missing a beat ] YES!! Ha ha ha..!

Johnny Carson: Alright, well.. all week long, we’ve been, uh.. carrying some taped greetings from some friends of the show.. and tonight we’ve got some from the other, uh.. late night personalities. So just.. you in the studio, watch your monitors.

[ dissolve to the taped greetings, the first one featuring Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: He-hey, Johnny.. hey listen, we’re all gonna miss you.. I mean.. it’s terrible.. [ shifts to deep-voice mode ] I mean, it’s great for me! But, you know.. [ ] I mean, it’s a terrible thing that you’re not gonna be on.. I mean, i-it’s great that.. I-I’m the one who, you know.. [ shifts to back to deep-voice mode ] If someone had to be the one! [ ] But, still, it’s just really-

[ dissolve to Arsenio Hall speaking in a whisper ]

Arsenio Hall: You.. you’re the one man. You’re the man! There will never.. be.. a-nother. You. Are. The man! You.

[ dissolve to Dennis Miller twiching ]

Dennis Miller: Johnny, babe! I can’t even put this into words, huh? I mrean.. this is your gig, man! Compared to you, we’re all like that second Darren or that.. that blonde that took Barbarino’s place on “Kotter”! I mean, what was that all about, huh?! You’re the king, babe! I mean, I’m not trying to be obsquetious here, but you’re a class man! I don’t even make a visceral play! I’m hovering around the whole “Newton’s Apple”/”This Old House” slot – I’m not even Vila, for crying out loud! I’m the new guy with the whole Bob Balaban/Austin Pendleton! I’m not getting anything, Johnny! Buck..

[ dissolve back to Johnny and Ed ]

Johnny Carson: Well, that.. that was weird, wild stuff! I guess they’re big fans of mine. I did not know that! Anyway.. we are here, and these are our final two minutes here together, Ed, and um.. I’ve gotta say, it feels a little.. bittersweet.

Ed MacMahon: [ solemn ] Yes, sir.. [ sniffs a teardrop ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, we’ve, uh.. we’ve been together since, what, the 50’s? And, uh.. you know, I’m getting a little choked up just talking about it.

Ed MacMahon: Emotions running high.. yes..

Johnny Carson: It is wild stuff. I-I wanted to take these last two minutes, Ed, to say some things I never really had the chance to, uh-

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays David Brenner onto the stage ]

Johnny Carson: I, uhhh.. David Brenner is here. David Brenner, everybody..

[ audience applauds Brenner’s entrance, as he sits next to Ed on the couch ]

David Brenner: [ mumbling ] Oh, my God.. this is some night, huh!

Johnny Carson: Yeah. David Brenner. Yes. Well, uh.. i-i-it’s nice to see you, but I just have two minutes to go, and I, uh-

David Brenner: Oh, no, no.. I know! Look, I just had to ocme one more time! I mean, this is my 236th appearance! It’s pretty amazing, huh!

Johnny Carson: Well, look, uh.. David.. I-I just had a few things I want to say to Ed before I go.

David Brenner: Yeah, sure! Just look, I’m just here! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Alright. Uh.. Ed, I want to say that, uh.. you know that time we moved the show from New York to L.A.?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yeah yeah! I remember that! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. there were rumors I was gonna replace you?

Ed MacMahon: Yes.

David Brenner: [ remembering ] Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: Well, I-I just wanted to say, Ed.. that it was, um.. not-

Joan Embrey: Hi, Johnny!

[ Doc Severinson Orchestra suddenly plays Joan Embrey onto the stage, with a cockatoo on her shoulder ]

Johnny Carson: Joan Embrey.

[ audience applauds Joan’s entrance, as she stands next to Johnny at the desk ]

Joan Embrey: I just had to come on one more time! You remember Irving the Cockatoo?

Johnny Carson: Yep.. yep..

Joan Embrey: He was your favorite!

Johnny Carson: Yeah, well.. look, um.. alright, just-just have a seat.. I-I’m talking to Ed right now, Joan, as a matter of fact.. [ Joan’s stagehands bring in a tiger cub, which she displays to everyone on the set ] Oh, I see you’ve brought a.. a whole kit and kaboodle here..

Joan Embrey: Oh yeah, I have a tiger cub here.. how about this?

David Brenner: Adorable!

[ Joan takes her seat on the couch next to Ed and Brenner ]

Joan Embrey: Hi, Ed! [ laughs ]

Johnny Carson: That’s right. Well, it’s been 30 years, and I just have one minute to go. Ed, I want you to know, I-I never reconsidered, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: ..replacing you, and I, um..

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: I mean, you and I are like steaks and A-1 Sauce!

[ tiger cub growls ]

Johnny Carson: We’re like, uh.. Dolly Parton and- Joan, could you.. is there any way you could kinda..?

Joan Embrey: Um.. that’s Irving. I’m just afraid he’s upsetting the tiger cub.. oh boy, here we go.. oh, God..

[ suddenly, the tiger cub jumps into Brenner’s lap and begins to take a ferocious piss ]

Johnny Carson: Oh, boy.. That is.. that is just.. that’s, uh.. Anyway, Ed.. uh, can we just-

[ the tiger cub chews furiously on David Brenner ]

David Brenner: Aaagghhhh!!! Get him off me!! Get him off me!!

Ed MacMahon: Say “Uncle”, tiger!

[ Ed pounces on the tiger cub, propelling the two of them over Johnny’s desk ]

Johnny Carson: [ stunned ] I did not think our last show would end this way..

Ed MacMahon: [ screaming as he pounds on the tiger cub ] Not the way we intended-

Johnny Carson: Well, if.. if you’re just tuned in, Ed is, uh.. Ed? I guess it’s a good thing you’re drunk!

Ed MacMahon: [ pokes his head up from behind the desk ] Too drunk to be scaaared Yes, sir!

Johnny Carson: Well! Before we go, I’ve got one more thing to say..! And I hope I’m not saying it for the last time – and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt!!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a son of an Irish bishop.

Well, President Bush Thursday unveiled Bush League, his new line of clothing for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later wowed the assembled crowd by reeling in an 8 1/2-pound northern spotted owl.

Ross Perot filed a financial disclosure statement on Friday, putting his personal fortune at $3.3 billion – or $800 million more than previously estimated. As a result, yesterday Perot was awarded an honorary doctorate of money degree at Oklahoma State University.

Jerry Brown went whitewater rafting with two members of rival L.A. gangs. And next week, the gang members promise to let Brown come along on a drive-by shooting.

And the results of last week’s Phillipine presidential election, which included candidate Imelda Marcos, may be contested. Some observers complained that the use of old shoe boxes as ballot boxes.. may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam are reportedly working around the clock.

The “Where’s Waldo?” books have become so popular that the publishers are adding new additions. Last week, they came out with “Where’s Georgie?” and next week, they’re coming out with a double edition: “Where’s Ronnie & Gorby?”

Many people are confused by the civil ethics of a war in Yugoslavia, putting the Serbs against the Croats.. and also involving the people of Bosnia, Herze-go-vona.. -gor-vona.. or -govina .. Well, it doesn’t matter. Basically, there’s no oil, so don’t worry about it!

Well, the ballots have been tabulated, the results are in – the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992 Funny Face Competition goes to: Yugoslav Federal Army General Blagoje Adhiz.

Well, the NBA Play-Offs are heating up. Tomorrow, the Bulls and the Knicks will play Game 7 of their Conference Semi-Final. Here with a persoective are Chicago radio personalities The Superfans.

[ Superfans appear on the monitor behind Kevin ]

Todd O’Conner: Thanks, Kevin! Well, the two teams are tied, 3-3, and it’s, uh.. it’s been an exciting series, and I’m sure a lot of New York fans will be, uh.. ready to, uh.. go to Chicago for the big game tomorrow.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right! They’re gonna be flying there, and that’s why, right now, we’d like to offer those New York fans a few tips on how to handle the long painful flight back home.

Pat Arnold: That’s right! ‘Cause two hours can seem like an eternity when your hopes have been dashed by.. Da Bulls!

Superfans: Da Bulls!!

Pat Arnold: Now, try to get your mind off the humiliation with an in-flight movie. Or, better yet, have an alcoholic beverage of your choice.

Todd O’Conner: But remember, New Yorkers, smoking crack is not legal on planes. Keep those pipes in your pockets ’til you land.

Kevin Nealon: Well, that’s great, guys.. but I think a lot of people believe the Knicks are gonna win.

Pat Arnold: Yeah, well, it’s very sad.. very cruel the Bulls have toyed with Knicks fans.

Carl Wollarski: Very sad. Please, Kevin, there’s no comparison. I mean, take the coaches. [ holds up picture of Pat Riley ] Now, here’s the Knicks coach – Pat Riley. Armani suit, has his hair slicked back – looks nice, right? Huh?

Todd O’Conner: Yeahhh. I wonder where he got that from? [ holds up similar picture of Mike Ditka ]

Carl Wollarski: My goodness!

Todd O’Conner: Whoa, what have we here? How could he-

Carl Wollarski: Where have we seen that sharp hairstyle before?

Kevin Nealon: Okay, we get the idea, guys..

Superfans: Alright, alright, alright..

Todd O’Conner: Alright, alright, Kevin.. What about the names of the teams? We know what a Bull is – what the hell’s a Knick?

Pat Arnold: How about: it’s what a New York man gets when he shaves his leg before going into a Greenwich Village bar!

[ the Superfan enjoy their joke ]

Kevin Nealon: Alright. So, your pick?

Todd o’Conner: Bulls, 240 to 87.

Carl Wollarski: That’s right.

Kevin Nealon: Alright, I see. The Superfans, everyone!

Well, a study has revealed that secondhand smoke is unhealthy, but usually cheaper.

In addition: 2 + 2 = 4.

Well, Murphy Brown will finally be giving birth on the show’s season finale this Monday night. CBS assures squeamish viewers the show will be much more pleasant to watch than last year’s birthing episode of “Jake & The Fatman”.

And “Lethal Weapon 3” opened around the country yesterday, and plans are already under way for the next dequel, “Lethal Weapon 4”, which will star Detroit suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian.

Besides “Lethal Weapon 3” this summer, several other sequels ill hit the theaters: “Alien 3”, “Batman Returns”, “JFK Part 2”, “The Really, Really Last Temptation of Christ”, and “Honey, I Slept With The Kids”.

Variety posters of the “Batman” sequels can be seen at just about every bus stop in town. The marketing ply by Warner will probably reduce ticket sales, since, if you drive by all the bus stops fast enough, it’s just like seeing the movie.

Update statistic: 4 out of 5 dentists.. leaves 1 dentist.

In a related story, McDonald’s is warning customers that a toy car found in Happy Meals could cause choking. Also, officials have warned that Big Macs are the main cuase of death in cows. They think it has something to do with the patty meat.. or the meat patty.. whichever one you get.

And now, with a look back at some of the events of the week, is Operaman. Operaman?

Operaman: Ohh.. hey gracias, Kevin gracia!

[ singing ]

[ picture of Ross Perot ]
“Billionairo Ross Perot
Mi confuso
Es Frank Perdue? Oh?”

[ picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]
“Ssh ssh, el Doze-oh
Sshhhhh, el-Doze-oh.
“[ jump to picture of Los Angeles burning ]
“El inferno!Violencia!
Armageddon!”
[ jump back to picture of President George Bush with eyes closed ]
“Sshhhhh, el Doze-oh!
No disturba Presidente”

[ picture of Daryl Gates ]
“La chiefa policia
No dispatcha gendarme
Morono, no respondo
No excuse bagga doucha!”

[ picture of Messier ]
“Messier!
El choke-oh!
Il Cupo de Stanley
Arrividerci!”

[ picture of Johnny Carson ]
“Carnac finale
Termino bella notte
Carnac adio!
El beginno
El Chin-oh
Jay Leno
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!”

[ picture of SNL logo ]
“Saturdia Noche Vive
Endo seasone
Operaman
Bye-Byyyyyyyyyyyyeeee!”

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Operaman.

The acting head of the National Endowment of the Arts has declared there’s a difference between “nude” and “naked”. Also revealed were differences between “disrobed”, “unclad” and “bare-assed”.

Weekend Update has also learned there’s a difference between “endowment” and “endowed”.

The inventor of the margarita has died. We here at Weekend Update feel that not enough time has passed for us to make jokes about this sad story. However, enough time has passed since the Earl Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich died.. so we’d like to say he was buried in a coffin with a toothpick through it.

Irish bishop Eamonn Casey admitted last week that he has an illegitimate son living in the U.S. NBC is planning a situation comedy about Casey, modeled after “Major Dad”, and entitled “Father Dad”.

Kevin Nealon: If you would like a written transcript of this news broadcast, learn to write really fast. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts