Author: Don Roy King

Richmeister

Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Randy…..Kevin Nealon
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Young Richmeister…..MaCauley Culkin
Sister Margaret…..Siobhan Fallon

[ Randy enters the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah!

Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies.

Richmeister: Alright! The Rand Old Opry, makin’ copies!

Randy: It’s nice to see you, too, Richard.

Richmeister: The Randster! Randomly selected for yourlistening pleasure!

Randy: That’s a new one. I like that one.

Richmeister: Ran-dyy! Likin’ the new one! The Great Randino-o-o-o!

Randy: Now, that one I’ve heard before. [ exits ]

Richmeister: The Randipulator. Doesn’t realize how hard it iscoming up with new names. The Complain-meister! [ Steve enters ] TheSteve-inator!

Steve: Rich! The Richmeister!

Richmeister: Second Lieutenant Steve, of the 82nd Airborne Division!

Steve: [ laughing ] What??

Richmeister: Ste-e-eve!

Steve: Hey, Rich, I’ve got to ask you something. This has beenbothering me for a long time.. I mean.. have you always been this way, youknow, with the “Name Thing”? [ The Richmeister stares into space, wondering ]Rich? Where you going, buddy?

Richmeister: The Rich-man, about to have a flashback! El backo de flasho!

[ The Richmeister drifts off, as the scene fades into a flashback of his childhood, sitting at his desk in the back of the Catholic school classroom ]

Young Richmeister: Tim-my! The Tim-meister! Sharpenin’ his pencil!

Timmy: [ sharpening his pencil ] Hey, Rich. I’m out of lead.

Young Richmeister: No lead for the Tim Man! Tim-o-rama!

Timmy: See ya, Rich. [ walks back to his desk ]

Young Richmeister: Ti-i-im! [ Cindy approaches the pencil sharpener ]Alright! Cindy! The Cindstress!

Cindy: Hi, Rich.

Young Richmeister: Cindereta Cindita! The Class Babe! Makin’ herpencils sharp! Sharpatollah! [ Cindy returns to her desk, as Froggyapproaches the pencil sharpener ] Froggy! The Frogginator! The Guy withthe Warts!

Froggy: Leave me alone.

Young Richmeister: Frogman! The Guy Who Likes to Eat the Paste!Frog-o-rama!

Froggy: [ annoyed ] Shut.. up!

Young Richmeister: Froggy, gettin’ mad! Froggarino!

[ Froggy returns to his desk ]

Sister Margaret: Now, Class, remember we were discussing the Battleof Bunker Hill. Now, it was George Washington’s belief that if hecould..

Young Richmeister: [ interrupting ] George! George of the Jungle!

Sister Margaret: [ angry ] Richard!

Young Richmeister: Baron George van Washeimer!

Sister Margaret: Okay, Richard Laymer, maybe you would liketo tell us what George Washington beleived he could achieve at the Battle ofBunker Hill?

Young Richmeister: Alright! Sister Margaret, askin’ me questions!

Sister Margaret: [ stern ] We’re all waiting.

Young Richmeister: The Nunster! Nun-o-rama! Nu-u-un!

Sister Margaret: [ grabs a ruler and walks toward Richard’s desk ]Give me your hand.

Young Richmeister: The Young Rich-man sincerely apologizes!

Sister Margaret: [ towering over Young Richmeister ] I said give meyour hand!

Young Richmeister: Be assured, no more talkin’ from the Rich-man!Promisita to the Nunnita! [ Young Richmeister realizes his fate isinevitable ] Oh, no! Disaster for the Rich-man! [ close-up of YoungRichmeister’s face as Sister Margaret swats his hand with the ruler ]Auugghhhh…!!

[ flashback fades back into the modern-day Richmeister, still screaming ]

Richmeister: ..Aauugghhhh..!!

Steve: Rich! Rich, it’s alright! You’re okay!

Richmeister: [ coming out of it ] Steve?!

Steve: Yeah, you were daydreaming.

Richmeister: [ dazed ] Steve-o?

Steve: Yeah. You were mumbling something about Baron vonGeorge Washheimer?

Richmeister: The Stevester!

Steve: [ quickly looks at his watch ] Oh, hey, Rich.. I gotto go pick up my kid at St. Catherine’s. [ darts out of the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: St Catherine’s! [ remembers his flashback, and panics ]Ste-e-e-e-eve!!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Scalder & Son

Scalder…..Chris Farley
Son…..Macauley Culkin
Rock Thrower…..Adam Sandler
Archer…..Dana Carvey
Archer’s Son…..Culkin

[ open on a Medieval castle during a crusade ]

[ dissolve to Scalder and Son pouring hot oil from the top of the castle ]

Scalder: You see, Son, that’s how we do it!

Son: Wow! We really scolded those guys!

Scalder: Well, that’s my job. I’m a scalder. And, maybe some day, you’ll be one, too!

Son: Really, Dad!

Scalder: Su-ure. You’ll have your own cauldron, your own bellow, maybe your own hunchbacked assistant.

Son: Wow!

Scalder: But, it’s not as easy as it looks – a lot of hard work, a lot of study. You’ve got to know your differnet oils, your different molten metals. You’d be surprised at how many different things you can heat up and pour on people.

Son: Timmy said his dad’s more important.

Scalder: Well.. what does Timmy’s dad do?

Son: He’s a torturer.

Scalder: Well, torturing is important. But, the main thing is that you do your job well. Someday you may grow up to be a torturer.. or a scalder.. or maybe you just want to throw rocks down on people. I just want you to be happy.

[ a Rock Thrower preps himself up against the side of the castle as he throws down a rock ]

I wouldn’t do that.. [ Rock Thrower continues ] You.. you shouldn’t stand up there, and let me tell you why. You see the guys down there with the bows and.. [ Rock Thrower is shot with an arrow, and falls to the ground ] ..arrows..? [ to Son ] You see, that’s why you gotta listen! When I first starting scalding, I thought I knew everything. Then, in my first battle, I spilled molten lead all over your grandfather’s leg. [ chuckles ]

Son: What happened?

Scalder: He died.. very angry at me. I learned something.

Son: [ points down ] Look, Dad! They’re climbing up the wall again! Shouldn’t we pour?

Scalder: Not yet. The secret of good scalding is knowing when not to scald.

Son: But they’re climbing up the wall!

Scalder: That’s alright, let ’em come.. Here comes some more of their friends.. Now, we pour!

[ they dump the hot oil onto the crowd below ]

Son: Boy, Dad, you were right! You must be the best scalder in the world!

Scalder: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know.. [ suddenly, he’s shot by an arrow ]

[ cut to an Archer and his Son standing at the base of the castle ]

Archer: You see, Son, that’s how it’s done! It’s about 90% patience.

Archer’s Son: Gosh, Dad, you must be the bet archer in the whole world!

Archer: [ laughs ] Well, I son’t know about that, I..

[ suddenly, another pot of hot oil is dropped on them, as they hotfoot it out of the scene to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Bill Swerski’s Superfans

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Tommy Arnold…..Macauley Culkin
Denise Swerski…..Beth Cahill
Todd’s Wife…..Chris Farley

[ show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago ]

Bob Swerski: Hello, my friends, and welcome to another edition of “Bill Swerski’s Superfans”. I’m Bob Swerski, and I want to thank everyone for sending those cards to my brother Bill, who recently had another heart attack. We are coming to you live from Ditka’s, here on Thanksgiving Day, a day for giving thanks, or taking punishment from, a team that is known as Da Bears!

Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: With me as always are the Superfans. Gentlemen, how was your week? Any heart attacks?

Carl Wollarski: I had one.

Todd O’Conner: Had a couple.

Bob Swerski: Alright. Now, as you can tell, we’re celebrating Thanksgiving here at Ditka’s, rather than in our homes. But it’s okay, our families understand.

Pat Arnold: Absolutely!

Bob Swerski: This year the Bears are playing, and Ditka’s has a 12-foot screen.

Todd O’Conner: There’s really no other place to be.

Bob Swerski: Alright, we’re getting ready to watch the Bears annihilate the Detroit Lions, but first, it’s a good time to reflect on our glorious heritage. And here to help us out with their annual presentation, is the sixth graders over at St. Ignatius, led by Tommy Arnold, nephew of our own Pat Arnold.

[ dissolve to the sixth grade class presentation ]

Pilgrim (Tommy Arnold): Look at the bountiful meal the Indians have prepared for us! Pork chops, strip steak, kelbasa, baby back ribs with garlic butter, and a side of home fries.

Indian: We welcome you to this great land, and look forward to the many games Da Bears will be playing 300 years from now.

Pilgrim: Indian, you are so wise. Please smoke on your peacepipe and tell us the future.

Indian: Bears 96, Lions 14.

Pilgrim: It’s not gonna be that close!

Indian: That’s the halftime score, my friend.

[ dissolve back to the Superfans cheering ]

Bob Swerski: Good job. Very entertaining. But it was not without a serious message – on Thanksgivng, gentlemen, it’s important to remember that there are places, other places, in this world that do not have the things that we have and take for granted. For example – Indianapolis. The Colts. They’re terrible!

Pat Arnold: With a really bad coach.

Carl Wollarski: It really makes you want to shed da tears.

Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da tears!

Todd O’Conner: [ starts choking on something ]

Bob Swerski: You okay, Todd?

Pat Arnold: Hey, hey, hey, he’s having a heart attack!

Todd O’Conner: [ in garbled speech, yells, “I’m choking!” ]

Carl Wollarski: He’s choking, he’s choking! I got ‘im! [ stands to apply the Heimlich on Todd ]

Todd O’Conner: [ coughs out a full piece of pork chop ]

Bob Swerski: Excellent work, good job, Carl! Todd, you gotta remember to chew those pork chops, buddy. Now, relax, it’s the holidays.

Todd O’Conner: I hear ya!

Bob Swerski: Alright. Now, gentlemen, if you’ll indulge me a bit, I’ve got some family here, myself. Like Da Bears, she’s a winner – the current Miss Southside of Chicago, my daughter, Denise Swerski.

Denise Swerski: [ walks out with a plate of food ] Hey, what’s up! Hey, Dad! Brought you this seven-layer salad from home!

Bob Swerski: Thank you, darling.

Denise Swerski: Just a few more minutes before Da Bears start kicking some ass, huh?

Bob Swerski: Some girl, huh, guys?

Carl Wollarski: The girl’s got spunk.

Pat Arnold: You know, she’s got a real Mrs. Ditka quality.

Todd O’Conner: Hey, Denise! Look how many chops I polished off! Take a gander! [ holds up his plate ]

Denise Swerski: [ impressed ] That’s a lot of chops!

Todd O’Conner: Ah, there’s more where that came from!

Pat Arnold: Hey, hey, Denise.. [ stands ] Check out this scar! [ pulls up shirt to reveal scar ]

[ Music sting ]

Denise Swerski: Wow..

Pat Arnold: Yeah, I got it at a tailgate party. We were roasting a big pig on a spit, and I got punctured. But I didn’t miss the kickoff!

Denise Swerski: That’s something!

Carl Wollarski: Hey, Denise.. [ stands ] Look at this! [ pulls up his shirt ]

[ Music sting ]

Broad Street, 1986, after the Superbowl. I was kicked by a cop’s horse, trying to pin a Ditka button on him.

Todd O’Conner: Oh, yeah..? [ stands ] Check out this! [ pulls up shirt ]

[ Music sting ]

Snack bar, Lambough Field, I was scalded by the cheese of a flaming hot nacho.

Denise Swerski: Now, that’s.. my kinda guy..

Todd O’Conner: Maybe you’d like to come here and back that up!

Bob Swerski: Hey, hey, hey, Todd.. easy, pal.. come on, that’s my daughter, huh?! Hey! Don’t make me go over there and inflict some damage Butkus-style!

Todd O’Conner: Hey, she’s a grown-up woman! [ starts making out with Denise ]

Carl Wollarski: Hey, Todd, Todd.. Todd.. come on! [ knocks Todd’s cap off ] You got a wife at home! Think about that!

[ Todd drifts into thoughts of his wife at home in the kitchen ]

Todd’s Wife: Your knockwerst is almost ready, Todd, so that you can fully enjoy tuning in to Da Bears. I’m sure they’re gonna kick ass, darling! They’re Da best! But you know something – you’re My Ditka! My Ditka! My Ditka! My Ditka..!

[ Todd drifts out of his thoughts ]

Todd O’Conner: [ bawling ] I’m her Ditka..! I’m her Ditka..!

Denise Swerski: What?

Todd O’Conner: I’m sorry, Denise, it’s not gonna work out. Let’s just say I’m a very lucky man.

Denise Swerski: Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me!

Todd O’Conner: Well, that’s good to know!

Bob Swerski: Alright, you two, enough, okay? We’re all very lucky here, and that’s the real message of this holiday season. So let’s all join in the Thanksgiving prayer.

Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da prayer!

Bob Swerski: We thank Ditka, and God, for all they have provided, for the food we eat, the air we breathe, and for the domination enjoyed by a certain team, from a certain town…

Todd O’Conner: Hey, hey, hey, hey, the game’s starting.

Bob Swerski: Alright, alright, we’ll get back to that during a commercial. Enjoy the game, folks!

[ Closing Theme music pots out ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

The Love Toilet

Man…..Kevin Nealon
Woman…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on pan shots of a romantic couple dining together ]

Announcer: You’ve found that one special someone, and you never want to be apart. You dine together; you play together; you sleep together; you even bathe together. So, why not share the most intimate moment of them all? With..the Love Toilet.

[ cut to couple on a two-seat toilet ]

Exquisitely-designed; hand-crafted of the finest porcelain imported from France, the nation of love. The Love Toilet. From Niagra, the ToiletPeople. Because when you’re in love, even five minutes apart can seem like an eternity.

Bamberger Announcer: The Love Toilet. Available at all Bambergers, and other fine stores.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: [ telling joke to pair of Union workers ] The bartender tells Jerry Brown, “Forget about them, because they’re both lesbians.” Right.. [ sees the cameras ] Later, later! [ Union Workers leave ] Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a dysfunctional codependent.

Well, this week, Gov. Cuomo publicly criticized Dan Quayle for calling him “Mario”, in an effort to emphasize his Italian heritage. A spokesman for Quayle denied the charge, and, hereafter, the governor will be referred to as “Captain Calzone”.

While playing golf last weekend, President Bush told reporters that the recession is over and the economy’s in fine shape. He then proceeded to tee off, losing his ball in a group of homeless people camped out next to the fairway.

Kevin Nealon: President Bush’s approval rating on his handling on the economy reached a two-year low this week. Here with her commentary on Bush and the economy, is “Weekend Update” Washington correspondent, Victoria Jackson. Victoria?

Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Kevin! Well, the Cold War is over, and the Japanese won. That’s the sad truth, only George Bush doesn’t seem to know it. We’re not in a recession, he says! Well, tell that to the people of Pennsylvania, Mr. Bush. And while you’re at it, tell it to Dick Thornberg. The tragic fact is, there may be nothing we can do to rescue our economy. Cut taxes, some say; stimulate the economy to raise revenue and balance the budget. Gee! When did Victoria Jackson here that before? 1981? Do you know that every tax dollar raised west of the Missisippi is used to pay the interest – yes, the interest – of the national debt! In eighth grade geometry, we learned that parallel lines do not intersect. Well, when Victoria Jackson lies awake at night, pondering this deficit moreas, I don’t see parallel lines – I see lines going further and further apart, stretching into the future with no end in sight, and frankly, it frightens me. As I sit here delivering this commentary to an American audience in a building owned by the Japanese, I am afraid! Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: [ amazed ] Wow! That’s pessimistic!

Victoria Jackson: Thank you!

Kevin Nealon: What about the peace dividend?

Victoria Jackson: Huh?

Kevin Nealon: Well, isn’t it possible that the end of the Cold War might free up the kind of resources that could reverse these trends?

Victoria Jackson: I.. don’t really know..

Kevin Nealon: In a sense, the fall of the Soviet Empire came at just the right time?

Victoria Jackson: Um.. I didn’t write this.. a writer wrote it.. [ pouting ] I just want people to think I’m smart.

Kevin Nealon: Oh, we do, Victoria. We think you’re smart.

Victoria Jackson: No, you don’t. Don’t patronize me – whatever that means.

Kevin Nealon: Vicoria, we think you’re smart.

Victoria Jackson: Really?

Kevin Nealon: Honest.

Victoria Jackson: [ to the audience ] Do you? [ wild applause ] Yeah!

Kevin Nealon: Victoria Jackson! She’s smart. Just not very bright.

During an appearance on “This Week with David Brinkley”, Dan Quayle said that he’s not bothered by all the jokes about him on television – unless his wife or kids explain what they mean, and then he gets pretty PO’ed.

McDonald’s is teaming up with Turner Broadcasting to develop an original programming service for the restaurant. The programs will use Turners’ colorizing technology to give McDonald’s hamburger patties a natural brown look, instead of the usual grey.

Kevin Nealon: Well, Thanksgiving is next Thursday, and, now, here to talk about it is “Weekend Update”‘s Adam Sandler. Adam?

Adam Sandler: Thanks, Kevin! Well, Thanksgiving dinner has always been a big deal in my house. And, every year, I try to make it home to celebrate with the family. But this year, due to my busy schedule, I can’t make it. So, right now, I’m gonna ask my dad to put a cassette in the VCR so he can record this, and then he can put the TV in my usual place at the dinner table and play it back at Thanksgiving, to recreate the illusion that I’m dining with the family.

Okay. Get ready, Dad. [ reaches below the desk, then pulls up a trayful of food ] Press Record now.

[ starts eating, silently ] This is good, Ma! Really good! It’s.. not a Butterball? I couldn’t tell. It’s really juicy. No.. no thanks.. I don’t want any more. No, seriously, no more.. I got no more room.. Ma! Put the turkey down.. put it down.. Dammit! Will you give it a rest! What, Dad? I didn’t do anything, I just didn’t want anymore! Oh, yeah, I’m deliberately trying to hurt Mom, right! Oh, there he goes again! Dad, that was ten years ago! I said I was sorry, the only one who still brings it up is YOU!! Okay, Dad, you know everything! Wha? Yeah? [ grabs his knife and holds it up ] Well, come on over here, old man! You want some of this?!! Bring it on!! I’d love it!! Right! Yeah! You’d BETTER sit down!! The tables are turning, man! [weeping ] I ain’t afraid of you no more! You guys just don’t understand! NO, NO, NO, NO!! [ flips his tray over the desk ] Stop treating me like a two-year-old!! [ breaks down in tears ]

Kevin Nealon: [ addressing the camera ] Uh.. Mr. Sandler, maybe you should press Stop on the VCR. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Adam Sandler: [ screaming ] I’m queer!

Kevin Nealon: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler!

Well, a woman suffering cardiac arrest was resuscitated by a group of rich teenagers Wednesday, when, instead of dialing 911, she accidentally dialed 90210.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

U.S. Fon

Barbara Gardner…..Julia Sweeney
Tom Claymore…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Barbara Gardner seated next to the phone in her living room – phone rings ]

Barbara Gardner: [ answers ] Hello?

[ interchange to Tom Claymore calling from a seedy motel ]

Tom Claymore: Yes.. hello.. [ reading from phone book ] Mrs. Barbara Gardner, of 1724 Meadowview Terrace?

Barbara Gardner: Yes?

Tom Claymore: I’m Tom Claymore, of Bonanza Resorts International.. I’m calling to congratulate you, you’ve won a 10-day, all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas!

Barbara Gardner: I don’t remember registering for any trip.

Tom Claymore: Oh.. you’re automatically reigstered! Your name has been selected from a list of preferred customers!

Barbara Gardner: I’m not sure I understand…

Tom Claymore: Well, all I need is a credit card number, to confirm your identification, so you can claim your winnings. Any credit card number will do.

Barbara Gardner: Maybe you’d better give me your phone number first.

Tom Claymore: Oh, that won’t be necessary!

Barbara Gardner: You’re right. I already have it. [ looks at Caller ID] It’s 555-7213. Right?

Tom Claymore: [ freezes, as Barbara hangs up on him ] Boy.. she’s got my number.. now I’m gonna have to kill her..

Announcer: At U.S. Fon, we don’t have Caller ID. Maybe we’re the right choice.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 7th, 1991

Hammer

Hammer

Christina Ricci

Jimmy Workman

Hammer, “Too Legit To Quit”

A Message From the President of the United States

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Tricking kids.

(Repeat) See: 02/09/91.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What it takes a big man to do.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Dick Clark Productions

Receptionist…..David Spade
Kenneth Hornaday….. Phil Hartman
…..Hammer
Cleaning Lady…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kremlok…..Dana Carvey

[Screen reads ‘Los Angeles: The Offices of Dick Clark Productions’]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: And you are?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kenneth Hornaday: Yes I’m with Bradford Contracting, I have some blueprints of Dick’s new bedroom and he wanted to take a look at em.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you have an appointment or you…

Kenneth Hornaday: Well no he just said to come by today.

Receptionist: Ok great if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: Well actually I have another meeting, you know how long-

Receptionist: You know he’s so backed up, it might be a while, you understand, it’s crazy today.Kenneth Hornaday: Really? But it’s only 9 AM.

Receptionist: I know, if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: But you’ve only been open for a minute.

Receptionist: I know, [speaking softer] if you could just have a seat, thanks. [Hornaday sits down] Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi. [Hammer tries to walk into offices]

Hammer: Yeah I’m here to see Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Hammer: Tell him it’s Hammer.

Receptionist: Right, and this is regarding…

Hammer: He’s doin the American Music Awards and he wants me to be a part of it.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and he would know you because you…

Hammer: You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Receptionist: Hammer Time, is that a TV show or something? I don’t really…

Hammer: Look I’m a rapper and actually I’m pretty well known. You know you might have heard my song. [starts to sing] Doom doom doom, bu du d- du can’t touch this. Doom doom doom doom doom.

Receptionist: I’m sorry I don’t really listen to much music, more of a reader. I’m sure you’re very gifted. If you could just have a seat. Can I just get your last name, I’m not sure Hammer would ring a bell.

Hammer: Look it’s Hammer, you know, like Madonna!

Receptionist: Right and she is?…

Hammer: Your momma! Nevermind, forget it. [Hammer sits down]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and take your foot off that [pedestal]? Thanks. You know staring at me like that isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hornaday eyes Hammer as if receptionist is psycho] [Spanish woman walks in]

Receptionist: Yes.

Cleaning Lady: Por favore, ciro traval cacina.

Receptionist: Eu steres…

Cleaning Lady: Magiama Rosa.

Receptionist: E es regardandoro…

Cleaning Lady: E es carncario cay come avala antubra.

Receptionist: Ci, ci, por favore tofo no sitro.

Cleaning Lady: Perche.

Receptionist: Tofo no citro, gracias. [Spanish woman sits down]

Kremlok: [enters, speaking in Alien voice] I must communicate with Earthling Richard Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kremlok: The end of humanity.

Receptionist: And you’re on Earth because you…

Kremlok: Must tell Dick Clark to go on television airwaves to warn people of this planet of imminent doom and destruction.

Receptionist: Right, and you were referred to us by…

Kremlok: ‘Meglar the all knowing’. I must warn all humans that because of your warlike ways, you will be punished when a fleet of star cruisers representing-

Receptionist: Ok, shhh, shhh, got it, enough, thank you, too much. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna put ‘regarding warlike ways’ ok? And when you see him you can elaborate if you could just take a seat it’ll be a minute.

Kremlok: This is urgent.

Receptionist: Well there’s 3 people in front of you, if you can work it out with them, fine, if not, just be patient, thanks. [Kremlock exits reception room]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hey is he [Kremlock] even here?

Receptionist: I’m sorry refresh me, you are…?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday!

Receptionist: Ok ok, if you could just be patient.

Hammer: [talking to Hornaday] I can’t stand a little grunt like this, thinks he’s running everything. I could just kill him.

Receptionist: Hmm, whispering about me isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hammer gets up from his seat, angered]

Kenneth Hornaday: Please Hammer, don’t hurt him.

[Kremlock re-enters with apron and hat from Weiner Hut]

Kremlok: [still talking like an alien] I have 2 chicago dogs to be delivered in person to human Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Jeff from Weiner Hut.

Receptionist: Right, sorry Kremlock, I know it’s you. Now you lost your place in line. If I were you, I’d just sit and be patient, k? Nice hat. [Kremlock sits down]

Kremlok: [talking to Hammer] Sorry are you reading that [magazine]?

Hammer: No, go ahead.

Receptionist: [phone rings] Dick Clark Prouctions [pause] And you are?

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Queen Shenequa…..Ellen Cleghorne

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an alleged anchorman. [on screen: ‘alleged anchorman- SNL Live’, Nealon’s face covered by blue blue] Can we just get this part over with, I’d like to get on with the news. [blur slides off screen]

In Palm Beach, legal experts are divided on the extent to which Willy Smith may have hurt his chances when after being asked by judge Mary Lupo if he understood the charges against him, Willy replied ‘yes your honor, babe’.

Former White House chief of staff John Sinunu, who was labeled a pitbull for his abrasive, aggressive manner, reluctantly resigned this week. President Bush regrettably accepted his resignation, then called the Humane Society to have him picked up and destroyed. The outgoing chief of staff says he will lease his name to King Features Syndicate for use in their word jumble feature.

In a late breaking story, Japan announced it will apologize for the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. The apology will be released by the Sony corporation and available on compact disc for $12.95.

In a speech marking the anniversary, Vice President Dan Quayle assured the American public that even though the harbor was nearly destroyed in the attack, our pearl industry has completely recovered.

Several networks aired the specials on Pearl Harbor. ABC offered ‘Pearl Harbor, 2 Hours that Changed the World’, CBS aired, ‘Remember Pearl Harbor’, and the Disney channel gave us, ‘Honey I Shunk the Ships’.

The game ‘Monopoly’ will no longer be sold in the United States. Toymakers feel it’s just too unrealistic and gets peoples’ hopes up.

In a recent meeting of the Japanese parliament, the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor was commemorated by a surprise attack on an American made suit. [footage of attack on a man in a court room] I like that.

The only portraint painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive was discovered this week. Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals that Columbus’ head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.

According to education secretary Lamar Alexander, college scholarships will no longer be rewarded on a quota basis, because it’s not fair to other races. Scholarships will also not be rewarded based on intellect because it’s not fair to stupid people. Scholarships will now be given out alphabetically.

NBC news fired 18 news writers… that’s all it says here, I’m sorry.

Sears sponsored the Thanksgiving airing of ET, the Extra Terrestrial. With Sears sponsoring the film, they had to make a few changes. In this version, when the kid rides the bicycle over the moon, it breaks down.

Let’s take a look at a recent satellite photo. There it is, looks ok.

And Beauty and the Beast did well at the box office this week. [shows photo of Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here with her holiday update is SNL soul sister #1 Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Thank you Kevin, or should I say ‘asanti sani, abaragani’.

Kevin Nealon: Aba…? I’m sorry.

Queen Shenequa: It’s Swahili, you know Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx. It’s a greeting.

Kevin Nealon: Abba?

Queen Shenequa: Keep practicing. Hi ya’al, it’s Queen Shanequa back from Harlem where I learned about Kwanzaa today. Kwanzaa is a Swahili word, it means, ‘Santa don’t come to my house’. I’m so glad we got our own holiday. When I was a kid, I was tied of people asking me ‘what does Santa bring you?, what does Santa bring you?’. Santa comes down a chimney, I grew up in the projects, where was he gonna come from, out the incinerator? Huhhh [sighs], you know what I mean Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, aburogoni?

Queen Shenequa: Not quite, Kwanzaa is a 7 day holiday and you pray a lot. On the first day, we pray for our lost brothers and sisters. On the first day, I’m gonna pray for Michael Jackson. I’m gonna pray he gets his mind back. Now what’s wrong with that child? Has anyone seen his mind? Cuz he clearly lost it sometime after ‘Thriller’, singin about ‘it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white’. If it doesn’t matter, they why are you so white? Of course it matters, cuz if it didn’t matter, you’d just leave it the way it is, why bother to change it? If you change something, then it matters. If it doesn’t matter, you just leave it alone, right Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: [lifting fist firmly] Abaragani!

Queen Shenequa: Yes and then I’m gonna pray for Milli and Vanilli, another Swahili name. Milli Vanilli, translation, ‘I’m not singin. You? Un unh, you? Me neither’. Milli tried to commit suicide by jumpin out the window. Well he didn’t really jump, he got somebody else to jump out for him. On a serious note, I’m gonna pray for Nelson Mandela, who was in town this week addressing the United Nations. So much to pray for Kevin, I better get me some kneepads, whatch you think?

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Oh abaragani to you too Kevin and goodnight.

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani, abaragani.

New York City public schools have begun distributing condoms to students, making this the first generation of youngsters who will have their lambskins before they have their sheepskins.

Well the New York Mets will be paying outfielders Bobby Bonilla 29 million dollars for a 5 year contract. This makes him the highest paid player in team sports. 29 million dollars, just think about it. [spaces out for a few seconds, gets excited]

In other sports news, throughout Wilt Chamberlain’s recent autobiography, the superstar divides book sections with ‘Wiltisms’, which is kind of a proverb he recommends should guide your life. For example, here’s one we’ve all heard before. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try 20,000 more times’.

Serial murderer Richard Speck died after complaining of chest pains. The ailing prisoner was transferred to a local hospital where efforts to revive him with a toilet plunger failed. We’re gonna miss him.

In medical news, a major study published today concluded that aspirin, the classic headache remedy, can lessen your risk of colon cancer. Providing of course, you’ve got your head up your ass.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s new to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts