Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


October 15th, 1988

Matthew Broderick

The Sugarcubes

None

Catherine O’Hara

Laurie Metcalf

Tom Davis
The GraduateSummary: At a campaign fundraiser, Dan Quayle (Matthew Broderick) finds himself the object of Nancy Reagan’s (Jan Hooks) seduction.

Recurring Characters: George Bush, Dan Quayle, Jeanne Kirkpatrick, Nancy Reagan.

Montage

Matthew Broderick’s MonologueBio: Matthew Broderick (1962-). Actor; was offered Michael J. Fox’s role in “Family Ties” sitcom, but turned it down because of his film schedule; films include: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986), “Glory” (1989), “The Cable Guy” (1996), “Election” (1999); married to actress Sarah Jessica Parker since 1997.

Also Hosted: 97s.

Transcript

McDonnell-RandSummary: Medical waste ad parody.

The Five BeatlesSummary: In his tell-all book, embittered Albert Goldman (Phil Hartman) recalls being kicked out The Beatles.

Recurring Characters: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Elvis Presley.

Transcript

Cooking with MonkeySummary: Don Winston (Dana Carvey) introduces his audience to an upscale restaurant where all the dishes are prepared exclusively from monkey.

Transcript

The Sugarcubes perform “Birthday”Bio: Alternative rock band from Iceland; members: Björk Guðmundsdóttir (vocals, keyboards), Einar Örn Benediktsson, Sigtryggur Baldursson (drums), Þór Eldon (guitar), Bragi Ólafsson (bass), Einar Melax (keyboards).

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: A. Whitney Brown delivers “The Big Picture” on ??

Transcript

Nude BeachSummary: Bob (Dana Carvey) introduces shy Doug (Matthew Broderick) to the rest of the group of nudists who hang out on the beach. Together, they sing “The Penis Song”.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Thumper FamilyTranscript

Learning to FeelSummary: The two girl watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz) try to meet women at their ten-year high school reunion.

Recurring Characters: Denise Venetti, Neil Simmons.

Laurie Has A Story

Hollywood SaluteTranscript

The Sugarcubes perform “Motorcrash”

The Baby & The Fairy

Goodnights

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

The Five Beatles

Albert Goldman…..Phil Hartman
John Lennon…..Matthew Broderick
Paul McCartney…..Dana Carvey
George Harrison…..Dennis Miller
Ringo Starr…..Jon Lovitz
Elvis…..Kevin Nealon
Roadie……Tom Davis

[ open on a series of press publications regarding Albert Goldman’s biography of John Lennon – cut to Goldman speaking to the press ]

Albert Goldman: And I’m telling you, it’s all true.

Reporters: Mr. Goldman! Mr. Goldman!

First Reporter: What about the allegations that you lied?

Second Reporter: Many sources say you misquoted them.

Third Reporter: It almost seems like you had a personal grudge against John Lennon.

Albert Goldman: [ sarcastically ] Oh, alright.. I lied, print it. Albert Goldman is a liar! [ seriously ] I had to do it! Don’t you understand! After what they did to me?

Reporters: What? Did what to you?

Albert Goldman: [ reminiscing ] It all started 25 years ago, back in Liverpool. [ screen ripples, prompting a flashback, but returns to normal ] It was a long time ago.. [ screen ripples again, but still goes nowhere ] Oh, concentrate harder, for goodness sake!

[ screen finally goes into a flashback, fading to black-and-white, outside a nightclub, with superimposed title: “The Cavern, Liverpool, 1963.” Cut to inside the Cavern, where a young audience waits for the Beatles to arrive on stage. ]

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, it’s time for our next act. Please give them a big Cavern welcome: John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo, the five Beatles!

[ The Beatles enter onto the stage amidst enthusiastic screams from onlookers ]

Paul McCartney: [ giving the cue ] One two three four! [ band breaks into a rendition of “I Saw Her Standing There,” and the crowd goes wild ]

[ singing ]

“She was just seventeen, and you know what I mean,
And the way she looked was way beyond compare,
I’d never danced with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there.”

[ after the verse, Goldman breaks into a trombone solo, which brings a silence to the room. The music dallies off and Goldman is left hanging on an out-of-tune note. Screams suddenly return with the next verse ]

Paul McCartney: “Well we danced through the night,
and we held each other tight,
And before too long, I fell in love with her,
I’ll never dance with another, ooh!
When I saw her standing there,
When I saw her standing there.”

[ band ends on another note by Goldman, and again the audience turns silent, after which the Beatles leave the stage unenthusiastically ]

Announcer: The five Beatles! John, Paul, George, Albert Goldman and Ringo!

[ cut to backstage – Albert Goldman still looks the same as in the present, and speaks in a distinct American accent ]

Albert Goldman: [ irritated ] Where were you guys on that cue? I mean, come on, please, meet me halfway!

John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.

Albert Goldman: Actions, not words, fellas, comprende? Eh, Ringo? Alright, I gotta go grab some stuff. Nobody touch my horn! [ puts the horn aside and exits ]

Paul McCartney: I think we’ve got to talk about Albert.

George Harrison: Yeah, he’s a real problem.

Paul McCartney: Yeah, John.

John Lennon: Now fellas, fellas.. come on, fellas, he’s a nice guy.

Paul McCartney: Come on, John, don’t be daft. He’s a real drag!

George Harrison: Yeah, he just doesn’t fit in somehow.

John Lennon: Look fellas, we’re the only friends he’s got; we should show him some compassion. Besides his parents were nice enough to buy these amplifiers for us. Least we could do is be supportive.

Paul McCartney: Ringo, what’s your opinion?

Ringo Starr: [ uptight ] Oh listen, I don’t know.. whatever you fellas think. I mean, I’m just happy to be here.

John Lennon: No really, Ringo, tell us what you think.

Ringo Starr: [ hesitating ] Well.. alright then. Well, I think there are several points to consider. For one thing, we must remember this is a business first, and two, if people in the band are unhappy, it will affect the performance, and three, this is a crucial stage in our development, and I think..

Paul McCartney: Alright, alright, Ringo! I think that’s enough!

Ringo Starr: Well, whatever you guys think. I’m just happy to be here.

John Lennon: I just don’t see why you fellas don’t like him. I mean, he’s never had a nasty word for anyone.

[ a Roadie appears at the doorway ]

Roadie: Hello lads, you’ve got a visitor!

[ Elvis enters ]

Elvis: Hello everybody!

Beatles: Elvis!

Paul McCartney: Elvis, we’re your biggest fans!

John Lennon: What are you doing here, Elvis?

Elvis: I was doin’ two movies across the street and I heard your music, and it set my feet a-tappin’! Thought I’d come over to do some investigatin’!

Ringo Starr: Well, did you like it?

Elvis: You bet! Except for one thing – you gotta lose that fat, bald, unattractive guy who plays the horn.

John Lennon: But he’s a good friend!

Elvis: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember – it’s a business first.

Ringo Starr: That’s what I said.

Paul McCartney: Quiet, Ringo! Elvis is talking!

Elvis: You gotta lose him. So now which one of yous here’s the leader?

Paul McCartney: I’m the leader.

Elvis: Well then, you’re gonna have to tell him.

Paul McCartney: [ retracting ] Oh, the “leeeeader“! Oh, well.. John’s the “leeeeader“!

George Harrison: It has to be done, John. It’s up to you.

John Lennon: [ pauses, then sighs ] Alright, I’ll do it. [ other Beatles get up to leave ]

Paul McCartney: Good for you, John!

George Harrison: Good luck, John!

Paul McCartney: Good luck, John.

Ringo Starr: [ presents a drum to John ] Here, John, take this. It’s me lucky drum. [ John accepts and puts it aside ]

Elvis: Here he comes. I’ll be right back here in case you need me. [ he goes into a hidden corner, off-camera, as Goldman returns ]

Albert Goldman: [ impatiently ] Well, now.. where is everybody? We have another set in five minutes! I told everyone to be here to rehearse “She Loves You, Wah Wah Wah.”

John Lennon: Actually, Albert, there’s no reason to rehearse.

Albert Goldman: [ surprised ] Oh really, Mr. Layabout? Did you hear the same set that I heard? Audience not liking, Beatles dying!

John Lennon: I hate to say this, Albert, but.. you’re out of the group.

Albert Goldman: [ crestfallen ] What?

John Lennon: Please don’t be upset, it’s hard enough as it is.

Albert Goldman: I just don’t get it. Is it because I’m bald and fat?

John Lennon: No.

Albert Goldman: Then why? Whose idea was this?

John Lennon: Everybody’s. Paul, George, Ringo, me..

Elvis: [ coming out of hiding ] And me.

Albert Goldman: [ does a double take in disbelief ] Elvis?!

Elvis: That’s right, son. You got no talent, you look bad. Get out of the business.

Albert Goldman: Well, you’ve got some nerve!

Elvis: And another thing – you oughtta watch your weight. Clean up your act, stay away from that junk food. Remembe – you are what you eat.

John Lennon: Sorry, Albert.

Albert Goldman: [ angry ] You think it’s so easy, don’t you? “Sorry, Albert, no hard feelings!” Well, I’ve got news for you, Mr. Presley, and you, too, Mr. Lennon! I’ll get my revenge! Maybe not soon.. maybe not for some time, because I’m a little scared of you. But some day, I’ll be back! [ shouts hysterically ] I’ll be back! [ storms out of the room ] I’ll be back! [ an echoing, sinister laugh is heard after he leaves. Elvis and John look on ]

Elvis: There goes the grace of God.

John Lennon: It’s a real shame.

Elvis: Come on, let’s go get some health food. [ he and John exit out the doorway ]

[ screen fades out of the flashback, back to Goldman and the press ]

Albert Goldman: Well, that’s my story.

Reporter: So what ever happened to Elvis?

Albert Goldman: Oh, well, he became a big.. [a sullen look suddenly appears on his face as he realizes the reporter’s intention ] Who asked that question?! [ Reporters laugh hysterically ] I’ll get you!!!

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Cooking With Monkey

Don Winston…..Dana Carvey
Chef Antoine…..Jon Lovitz
Patron #1…..Jan Hooks
Patron #2…..Victoria Jackson
Patron #3…..Dennis Miller

[ Fade in to a kitchen as title card is shown ]

Don Winston: Good afternoon, and welcome once again to “Cooking With Monkey.” I’m your host, Don Winston. Tonight we’ll be making Monkey Casserole Mexicali, a spicy monkey dish from south of the border. [ takes a pot out of the oven ] All right. Mm-mm. [ sets it on the cutting board and lifts the lid ] Huh? The chiles just really wake up the monkey. Heh heh.Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you’ve noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It’s true. And you know why, don’t you? It’s because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there’s the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh? Anyway, just something I noticed.And now, let’s get to our mailbag. [ picks up a letter ] This letter is from Jennifer Carson of Stockton, Texas, and she writes, “Dear Don, recently I served your recipe for Orange Monkey Flambé to my neighbors, but when I wheeled the flaming monkey out into the dining room, I was greeted with stares instead of the applause I was expecting. Did I not follow the recipe correctly?” Probably you followed the recipe, but guests can be intimidated by the sight of a flaming monkey. It’s a little too fancy for a get-to-know-you dinner. A better choice would have been something like … uh, Monkey Loaf with three bean salad, or even just Monkey Pot Pie.Okay, let’s get back to our recipe for Monkey Casserole Mexicali. Mm-mm! The first thing, of course, is good monkey meat. [ displays it in a bowl ] Now, it’s important to use a young monkey. [ holds up a photograph ] This is the monkey we’re preparing today. His name was Pepe and he was less than a year old. I had a little of him this morning and he was so good I couldn’t help but pick at him all day. [ chuckles ] You know what I’m talking about.The second thing you want with monkey meat is freshness. In fact, I had a chance recently to talk about this with the famous French chef Antoine at Monkey House on East 48th Street here in Manhattan. Can we roll that tape, please?[ the tape begins with an outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: The French Monkey House is just an elegant spot for fine monkey dining.

[ fade to Antoine talking to Don ]

Chef Antoine: I cannot emphasize enough how important is ze monkey freshness.

Don Winston: So you wouldn’t use, say, a frozen monkey? [ Antoine scowls, and Don nods. Don notices a monkey habitat behind them ] Hey, um – what, what is this over here, chef?

Chef Antoine: Oh, well, to ensure the freshness, we have ze live monkeys here in ze restaurant, and ze patrons can pick out the monkey they desire, of course, and we have the monkeys in a glass cage, to keep the stink from coming out.

Waiter: Your order, madame?

Patron #1: Oh, I don’t know, [ points ] I think I’ll take that frisky one, the one swinging around up there? [ to husband ] Is that good? [ husband nods, waiter takes another order ]

Waiter: Madame?

Patron #2: I’ll take that one that was riding the tricycle.

[ the waiter nods, walks to patron #3 ]

Patron #3: And I would like the little one that’s clinging to the bigger one.

Waiter: Oui, monsieur.

Don Winston: Chef Antoine, let me ask you a question: what about people who say it’s wrong to eat monkey? … With a rosé? (wine)

Chef Antoine: Rosé? Pphhht! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ Don laughs along with him ]

[ fade to another outdoor shot of NYC at night ]

Don Winston V/O: As we bid adieu to the French Monkey House, we say … goodbye … to the French Monkey House.

[ back to Don in the kitchen ]

Don Winston: Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. You know, I’m sorry I didn’t get to show you how to prepare Monkey Casserole Mexicali, but once again, here’s how it looks when it’s done. [ lifts the lid off the pot ] Mmmm! Pepe es muy bueno!Now if you’d like a copy of this recipe, plus one of my patented monkey de-boners, please sent $4.98 to [ the address is displayed ] Cooking With Monkey, Top of the Empire State Building, New York, New York. And join us next week, when our recipe will be Monkey in a Blanket. Mm-mm. I’m Don Winston. Bye now.

[ Title card displayed again. Fade to SNL Band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Matthew Broderick’s Monologue

…..Matthew Broderick

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen — Matthew Broderick!

[ Matthew takes center stage as the audience applauds ]

Matthew Broderick: Thanks! Thanks! Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be here. I can’t believe I’m finally hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I should tell you, I’m pretty nervous, um, this is my first time doing live television, and it’s a little scary.

[ turns to camera B ]

There are several rules for doing a monologue on a show like this.

[ text appears above him: “TIPS FOR THE MONOLOGUE”, followed by bullet points ]

The first rule is to project vulnerability. You pretend you’re nervous, and it helps get the audience on your side. Also, it’s good to remind them that this is a live show and that anything can happen.

[ turns back to camera A ]

This is a live show, and anything can happen … [ touches forehead ] especially when you’re working with a group like this, because after spending a week with these people, I can tell you, this group is crazy.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number two: Always say “This group is crazy”. It reinforces the element of danger, and it flatters the writers, makes them feel like they haven’t lost their edge.

[ turns to camera A ]

Boy, let me tell you, live TV is the scariest thing in the world. I mean, if you mess up something on live TV, that’s it. You don’t get to do it three or four times like you get to do in the movies.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number three: Always work in a mention of your movie.

[ turns to camera A ]

Speaking of movies, I just completed one. It’s called “Torch Song Trilogy” and it’s opening December 14. [ applause ] I’m feeling — I’m feeling better now and uh, I’m all relaxed and well-rehearsed, and my hands are clean.

[ turns to camera B ]

Rule number four: Employees must wash their hands.

[ turns to camera A ]

So — it’s gonna be a great show. We have the Sugarcubes here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ applause ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Nude Beach

Bob…..Dana Carvey
Doug…..Matthew Broderick
Jack…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Dennis Miller
Bill…..Jon Lovitz
Woman #1…..Victoria Jackson
Woman #2…..Nora Dunn

[ a couple of guys walk around a nude beach ]

Bob: Is this great or what?

Doug: I feel a little self-conscious, Bob. I mean, I’ve never been to a nude beach before.

Bob: Aw, listen, Doug, you don’t have to worry about that here. The people at this club, they’re not hung up about that kind of thing. That’s what’s great about it, everyone’s just here to relax.

Doug: Really?

Bob: Yeah, yeah. Believe me, in a few minutes, you’ll forget all about it. C’mon, I’ll introduce you to some of the guys.

Doug: Okay…thanks, Bob.

Bob: Hey guys!

Jack: Hey, Bob! Hey, your penis looks great today.

Bob: Thanks, Jack. Yours too.

Ted: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Hey, Ted. How’s your penis?

Ted: Not bad.

Bob: Good. Hey, I’d like you guys to meet Doug.

Jack: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, guys.

Jack: Hey, pretty small penis there, Doug.

Doug: Huh?

Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.

Jack: Hey, that’s okay. There’s plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill’s got one. Hey, Bill – come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.

Bill: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, Bill.

Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah, I guess so.

Bill: Well, that’s okay. I hear it really doesn’t matter to women.

Doug: Yeah, I read that.

Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.

Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?

All: Yeah, sure.

Ted: Okay. That’s me with some friends on a catamaran.

Jack: Penis looks great.

Ted: Thanks. Here’s me, playing tennis with my father.

Bob: Hey, you’ve really got your dad’s penis.

Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!

Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.

Ted: Wow. You got the address?

Jack: Sure.

Ted: Great. I’ll write it on my penis so I won’t forget.

Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?

Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.

Jack: Oooh…cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.

Bob: Bill, you’re from Denver, right?

Bill: Yeah…

Ted: Good penis town.

Woman #1: Hey, everybody!

Jack: Hey girls!

Woman #2: Hey, who’s the new guy with the penis?

Bob: Oh, that’s Doug.

Woman #1: Hey Doug.

Doug: Hi.

Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah.

Woman #1: That’s okay.

Doug: Hey, thanks.

Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.

Woman #1: Yeah, it’s got testicles and everything!

Ted: Great. We’ll check it out.

Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.

Doug: Yeah, I guess not.

Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?

All: Yeah!

Bob: Okay, I’ll start:

“I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis’s song
He’d sing me…”

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis…”

[ Jack steps forward ]

Jack: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point – that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we’re all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we’re a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there’s room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point – grow up. Really.

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long..”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Hollywood Salute

Andrea Shell…..Jan Hooks
Jackie Jarvis…..Jon Lovitz
General Custer…..Phil Hartman
Little Hawk…..Matthew Broderick
Sergeant…..Dennis Miller

[ Opening: the title logo appears over some 1940s “behind the scenes” footage ]

Andrea Shell: Hello, I’m Andrea Shell. Welcome to “Hollywood Salute”. In the early 1950s, enormous power was shifted from the studio moguls, to the movie stars who had acquired a solid public following. One of them was Jackie Jarvis, the unequivocal master of the gangster film.

[ A slideshow is shown of posters of his films ]

Andrea Shell V/O: “Public Menace” … “The Face in the Post Office” … “Ask My Machine Gun” … and “Bullets Be Not Few”.

[ Back to the main set ]

Andrea Shell: The success of these films, and others, allowed Jackie Jarvis to break away from this gangster image, and explore new film genres. He did his first in a box office hit in 1952, “Crazy Horse: Tough Guy of the Plains”. Enjoy.

[ The clip is shown. Although this is the Civil War, the whole thing plays out like a 30s/40s gangster movie, with suspenseful music and everything. ]

[ General Custer’s headquarters, day. A knock at the door. ]

General Custer: Come in!

[ Sergeant enters ]

Sergeant: General Custer?

General Custer: Yeah, what’s cookin’?

Sergeant: Guess who just breezed into the fort?

General Custer: Can’t imagine!

Sergeant: Crazy Horse.

General Custer: You’re kidding.

Sergeant: He’s right outside.

General Custer: Well well well. All right, Sergeant, send him in and uh, stick around.

Sergeant: Check. [ opens the door ] Come in!

[ Crazy Horse enters, over a dramatic sting ]

General Custer: Hello, Chief!

Crazy Horse: Hello, General!

General Custer: Call me George.

Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.

General Custer: Have a seat.

Crazy Horse: Don’t mind if I do.

[ they both sit down ]

General Custer: To what do I owe the honor?

Crazy Horse: No point beatin’ around the bush! You got my kid locked up!

General Custer: Ah yes, Little Hawk. We picked him up on a drunk and disorderly outside of Jim Bridge’s Trading Post! Seems he can’t hold his firewater, Crazy!

Crazy Horse: Standard rap for a D&D is three days! [ they both stand up ] You’ve had him in this joint for a WEEK! AND I WANT HIM BACK!!

General Custer: EASY, CRAZY, EASY! You’ll get your boy back, but first I want you to answer a few questions! Capisce?

Crazy Horse: Capisce! [ sits down ] What kinda questions?

General Custer: [ walks over to a map, points to a spot ] My scouts tell me that several tribes of hostiles have congregated on the lower east side of the Little Bighorn!

Crazy Horse: Yeah, so? Some of the fellas got together for a little huntin’ and fishin’! So what?

General Custer: That don’t add up, Crazy! Since when are the Oglala pals-y with the Cheyenne and the Arapaho?

Crazy Horse: Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! That’s all!

General Custer: I ain’t buyin’ it.

Crazy Horse: [ stands up ] YOU CALLIN’ ME A LIAR??

General Custer: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!!

Crazy Horse: YOU’LL GET YOUR ANSWERS, YELLOW HAIR, WHEN YOU GIVE ME MY KID!

General Custer: [ to Sergeant ] All right, go get him.

[ Sergeant exits, Crazy Horse sits down laughing ]

Crazy Horse: [ rests his feet up on the table ] You know, George, you wide-eyes really slay me. You call me a liar … yet your tongue’s so forked, I could tie it in a bow behind your back! [ guffaws ]

General Custer: [ sits down ] Spare me the wisecracks, Crazy … [ Crazy continues laughing ] … HEY! What’s shapin’ up on the lower east side? Crazy Horse: All right, I’ll level with ya. Some of the boys are pretty bent out of shape about that Fort Laramie treaty. One minute you promise sovereignty over the promise — the sacred lands. And the next minute we got A THOUSAND MINERS BREATHIN’ DOWN OUR NECKS! General Custer: Nobody knew gold would be discovered in the Black Hills.

Crazy Horse: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? [ hits the desk ] A TREATY’S A TREATY!

[ Harmonica music swells up ]

General Custer: [ stands up ] … I’m sorry. I guess that makes us pretty much look like a bunch of hypocrites, doesn’t it?

Crazy Horse: [ stands up, walks over to him ] You know, I, I can’t figure you white devils. These plains used to be a nice place to live. And you clowns come along and it’s all massacres, railroads and subdivisions! Georgie! What gives?

[ Dramatic sting. Sergeant enters with Little Hawk ]

Crazy Horse: You all right??

Little Hawk: Sure, Pop. Ain’t built a stockade that can hold me, or a white woman who can resist me!

[ Crazy Horse laughs, pats him on the shoulder ]

General Custer: YOU ARROGANT, HEATHEN PUNK! WHY I OUGHTA …

Little Hawk: You oughta, but you won’t.

General Custer: Won’t I?

Little Hawk: Not if you’re smart, you won’t.

General Custer: Just watch me!

Little Hawk: Try it, blue coat! [ whips out a pocket knife ] I’ll have your wig on a lodge pole before you can say ouch.

General Custer: [ aims a pistol at Little Hawk ] You better call him off, Crazy ..

Crazy Horse: Oh, now look!

General Custer: YOU LOOK! I’ll put a new pair of nostrils on his forehead, I swear it!

Crazy Horse: OH YEAH? THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE A PIECE OF ME, BLONDIE!

General Custer: HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

Little Hawk: Let me at him, Pop!

General Custer: Why, for two cents I’d —

Crazy Horse: Yeah? What would you do for a nickel?

General Custer: [ marks a line on the ground with his foot ] Just cross that line!

Crazy Horse: It don’t look like one of yours! It don’t got a FENCE on it! Ha!

Little Hawk: Good one!

Crazy Horse: Thanks!

General Custer: All right, you two, get outta here while the gettin’s good! [ two sergeants enter ] Escort these two gentlemen to the gate!

Little Hawk: Take it easy, boys … we was just leavin’.

Crazy Horse: Yeah. Come on. [ leaves, then turns around ] Oh, Georgie? Feel free to drop by the Little Bighorn any time for some … huntin’ and fishin’!

Little Hawk: Yeah! Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! [ he and Crazy Horse laugh ]

Crazy Horse: Come on. [ they exit with the sergeants ] HI-ya-ya-ya, HI-ya-ya-ya …

[ Back to Andrea on the main set ]

Andrea Shell: Crazy Horse was followed by even greater Jackie Jarvis successes: “Mugs from Mars”, “Samson vs. the Feds”, and “Bombo Behind Bars”. This is Andrea Shell from “Hollywood Salute”, wishing you good night.

[ Applause, fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

The Thumper Family

Dwayne Thumper…..Matthew Broderick
Mrs. Thumper…..Jan Hooks
Principal…..Jon Lovitz
Landscaper…..Kevin Nealon
Carla Thumper…..Victoria Jackson
Mr. Thumper….. Phil Hartman

[ Photograph of a white house with title card: “The Thumper Family” ]

Don Pardo V/O: Well, it’s time to look in on the Thumpers, that Bible-beating family down the street dedicated to spreading the good word of eternal hellfire and damnation. Let’s look in and see what they’re up to today.

[ The principal and a policeman escort Dwayne Thumper through the doorway ]

Dwayne Thumper: [ holding up the Bible ] YOU WHORE MONGERING SERVANT OF SATAN! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR OPPOSING THE WILL OF GOD!

Mrs. Thumper: [ enters, holding a Bible of her own ] What’s all the ruckus?

Principal: Mrs. Thumper, you’re going to have to do something about your son Dwayne! He was on the campus preaching again today! Now as principal of the school, I will not put up —

Mrs. Thumper: [ takes Dwayne by her side and raises her voice ] OH, YOU EVIL SATANIC PRINCIPAL LEADER OF THE WICKED EVIL SCHOOL! YOUR EVIL PRESENCE DESECRATES OUR HOME! LEAVE THIS PLACE AS GOD HAS COMMANDED YOU, OR ROT IN HELL FOREVER MORE!

Principal: [ to cop ] We’re gonna have to get an injunction. [ the cop nods ]

Dwayne Thumper: YOU INJUNCT WITH HELL, YOU EVIL FORNICATORS!

Principal: Okay, okay! [ to cop ] Come on, Larry, I’ll buy you a donut.

[ they both exit the front door ]

Mrs. Thumper: So how was your day at school today, son?

Dwayne Thumper: Fine.

Mrs. Thumper: Did you make the football team like you wanted?

Dwayne Thumper: No. [ sits down ] The evil coach made a pact with Satan to keep me off the team! And I damned him and the entire team to eternal Hell!

Mrs. Thumper: Well, good for you, son.

Landscaper: [ enters holding a tree branch ] Mrs. Thumper? Mrs. Thumper, I cleaned out your gutters and I cleaned your, uh, repaired your drain pipe.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh! That evil, sinful gutter has been a CURSE upon this house!

Landscaper: [ displays the branch ] No, this was the problem, this was stuck right in it.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, that evil branch was put here by the Antichrist — hold my hand, son — [ grabs Dwayne’s hand, and they bow their heads ] May that branch of Satan BURN IN HELL!

Landscaper: I’ll just put this out in the dumpster. [ exits ]

Carla Thumper: [ enters holding a Pat Boone album and her own Bible ] Dwayne! You used my record player again! And I condemn you to Hell for your evil trickery!

Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up, raises his Bible and his voice ] GOD HAS COMMANDED ME TO USE YOUR RECORD PLAYER, AND I REBUKE YOUR DAMNATION!

Carla Thumper: YOU CANNOT REBUKE MY DAMNATION BECAUSE YOUR REBUKE IS UNHOLY UNTO THE EYES OF THE LORRRRD-UH!

Dwayne Thumper: IT IS NOT!

Carla Thumper: IS TOO!

Mrs. Thumper: [ in full preacher mode ] DAMN YOU EVIL CHILDREN OF SATAN! MAY THAT EVIL RECORD PLAYER BE CONSUMED BY ALL THE FIRES OF HELL!

[ Mr. Thumper comes home from work, also with his own Bible, and hangs his helmet on the coat rack ]

Dwayne Thumper: Dad! Condemn Carla to Hell!

Carla Thumper: Condemn Dwayne to Hell!

Mr. Thumper: [ shoves the Bible in their faces ] I WILL CONDEMN YOU BOTH TO HELL IF YOU DO NOT CEASE THIS EVIL BICKERING, WHICH AFFECTS ME EVERY NIGHT AS I WALK THROUGH THAT DAMN DOOR!!

[ He sits down; Mrs. Thumper sits by his side. ]

Mrs. Thumper: What’s wrong, dear? Evil day at the office?

Mr. Thumper: MY EVIL BOSS IS A LIAR AND A FORNICATOR! ALSO HE PUT ME BACK ON THE JACKHAMMER AGAIN!

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, DAMN him! DAMN HIM TO HELL!

Mr. Thumper: IT IS HIS EVIL PLAN THAT THE JACKHAMMER WILL DROWN OUT THE WORD OF GOD AS IT COMES THROUGH ME! [ Mrs. Thumper sobs ] WOE UNTO HIM AND TO ALL WHO DWELL IN THE MOBILE HOME OFFICE OF THE EVIL CONSTRUCTION SITE!!

Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up ] DADDY, I WILL PRAY THAT THE MIGHTY ARM OF THE LORD WILL SMITE HIM AND DELIVER HIM TO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF OBLIVION!

Carla Thumper: [ stands up ] I will too, Daddy!

Mr. Thumper: Thanks, kitten. [ The phone rings ]

Dwayne Thumper: I’ll get it. [ answers the phone ] Hello? No. Yes. … YOU EVIL FORNICATING SON OF SATAN! I CONDEMN YOU TO BE CAST DOWN FOREVER AND — hello? [ hangs up ]

Mrs. Thumper: Who was it?

Dwayne Thumper: Wrong number.

Mr. Thumper: Look, it has been a trying day for us all who spread the word of the Lord. Maybe we should go as a family to the movies.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh! Honey, that’d be fun!

Dwayne Thumper: “Die Hard” is playing at the Orpheum.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, well what about “Gorillas in the Mist”?

Carla Thumper: Can we go to “The Last Temptation of Christ” again, please?

Mr. Thumper: YES!

Mrs. Thumper: Hallelujah!

[ they all get up and get ready to leave ]

Mr. Thumper: That is my favorite movie!

[ They go behind the couch to retrieve their bullhorns and picket signs which read “THERE WAS NO LAST TEMPTATION FOR CHRIST” and “LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION”, then exit the front door ]

Mrs. Thumper: I agree. PAGAN IDOLATERS OF ALL —

Mr. Thumper: [ through bullhorn ] EVIL SCORSESE, SON OF SATAN, HOLLYWOOD SERPENT!

[ back to opening title card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week for another episode of The Thumper Family.

[ fade to SNL band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Elizabeth Dole…..Jan Hooks
Barbara Bush…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: It’s “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

Pat Stevens: Thank you! Hello, everybody, I’m Pat Stevens, welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”! Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary, but Vogue tells us: Think Spring. That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it? Let’s do it. [ faux thinks ] Okay. I’ll tell you what I was thinking – softening the facial palette and toning the legs. Now, I’ve already lightened my palette, so let’s work on the legs, shall we? It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue, so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels, and we’re ready.. to lift. And lift, and lift, and lift.. feel the burn.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. boring down, it’s not so easy.. raising it now.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. when it hurts, it helps. Let it burn. Hold it up isometrical. And exhale, blow it out and shake it out! Ooh, I feel good. Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain. So, we are ready to meet our guests today. Very, very special ladies, they are the Republican First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck. Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

[ they come out and sit ]

It’s so nice having you both – of course, Elizabeth, you and I are old friends. And, Barbara.. well. I’d like to congratulate George on his starling victory in New Hampshire, he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign as Vice-President.. tell me – are you proud of your son?

Barbara Bush: Pat.. George is not my son, he’s my husband.

Pat Stevens: Oh, heavens! I guess I dropped a fly in your soup! Well, she looks so much older, I hardly think it’s my faux pas! I turn now to Elizabeth Dole – now, you and your husband have written a remarkable book.

Elizabeth Dole: Well, gosh, yes.. thank you, Pat. It’s entitled “The Doles: Unlimited Partners”. Because, Past, that’s what we are. It’s about our lives, and we’ve dealed with being a dual-career couple. Now, I am a career woman. I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford, got a law degree from Harvard University. I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations, I was Officer of Human Affairs, I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was, of course, Public Liasion to President Reagan before I became Transportation Secretary. And now, I’m just helping my husband campaign.

Pat Stevens: Heavens! Have they ever called you Wonder Woman?

Elizabeth Dole: Aren’t you sweet?

Pat Stevens: That’s terrific! Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.

Barbara Bush: Yes.. I have been needle-pointing a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off. The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun. But I’m most interested in my work to combat literacy, and my involvement in support of the arts. I’ve raised five children –

Pat Stevens: That’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey! I’d like to get back to Elizabeth, and your book.

Well, now, Pat.. it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too, that’s really the point of the whole thing! And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples, if I may.

Pat Stevens: Oh, my runway is yours!

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, thank you, Pat! Okay, here we go. #1: Have as many special times as you can. #2: Don’t allow work to crowd out the really important things. #3: Travel together as often as you can. #4: Men, send flowers.

Pat Stevens: Bravo! It’s about time somebody said it!

Elizabeth Dole: Well, I’m glad it was me! [ laughs ] #5: Women, leave little notes around the house.

Pat Stevens: You know, I do that. And I live alone! I tell you, it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house – “You look terrific”, “Have a nice day!”, “Check your thighs.” I’m telling you, it works like a charm!

Elizabeth Dole: You know, it is the little things that count, Pat. I’m sure Barbara knows that.

Barbara Bush: Well, it’s important to stay together. I’ve been traveling with George this year, and I’ve enjoyed it, it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation, and –

Pat Stevens: Well, I’m sorry to cut your vacation short, but please do come back.. and.. freshen up that facial palette, live a little! Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you. I’m Pat Stevens.

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point #6: Talk on the phone.

Pat Stevens: Oh, well that’s self-explanatory!

Announcer: You’ve been watching “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Sentimental Pawn Shop

Pawn Shop Owner…..Phil Hartman
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Kevin Nealon
Second Woman…..Nora Dunn
Third Woman…..Victoria Jackson

Woman: Hello.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you.

Woman: Hi! Yes. I’ve never pawned anything before, but I have this item, and it’s.. well, it’s sentimental value..

Pawn Shop Owner: We pay full sentimental value.

Woman: Oh.. gosh, that’s great! Okay. Well.. here it is. It’s a moon, see?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ looking ] Hmm..

Woman: And those, they’re not real diamonds, of course, but.. my boyfriend gave me that..

Pawn Shop Owner: I know – he said he’d give you the moon and the stars if he could, right?

Woman: Yes, he did!

Pawn Shop Owner: Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?

Woman: No.. no..

Pawn Shop Owner: Too bad. It’s worth more as a set. [ thinking ] Are you still with him?

Woman: No. No, it didn’t work out.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hmm.. that reduces the value, of course. Let me ask you this: do you think he really meant what he said at the time?

Woman: Oh.. yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. $65.

Woman: What?! Oh, that’s great! I didn’t think I would get that much!

Pawn Shop Owner: Hey, if he wrote you any good letters, I’ll be happy to take a look at them.

Woman: Well, thank you!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay! [ she exits; Man enters ] Hi, what can I do for you?

Man: I’d like to pawn this item, it’s a plastic piano.

Pawn Shop Owner: Who gave it to you?

Man: My parents. You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano.. and I always wanted to be a concert pianist, and this was just a symbol of, you know, how much they believed in me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. so this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?

Man: Oh, no. I made it. I am a concert pianist. I play with the city symphony.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohhh.. oh! So, this would be nice for you to keep forever?

Man: Oh, yeah!

Pawn Shop Owner: Your parents alive or dead?

Man: [ solemn ] My father passed away last summer.

Pawn Shop Owner: Mother?

Man: She’s still alive. [ a beat ] She’s not well.

Pawn Shop Owner: Look, I’ll be honest with you. This’ll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.

Man: [ silent ] Gee.. I really needed the money now, but, uh.. I guess you’ve got a point.

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, see, you would have to take less now, is the only thing.

Man: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well thanks, I’ll come back.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’ll be here!

Man: Thank you. [ exits ]

[ two ladies enter ]

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you, ladies?

Second Woman: Oh, my friend here wants to pawn something, but I’d like to buy a bronze baby shoe.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. okay, sure. [ pulls out a basketful from underneath the counter ] Take a look through these, and see what you like. [ to Second Woman ] What can I do for you?

Third Woman: [ holds up toy plush dog ] Is this worth anything?

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. let me see.. I’d say.. early marriage.. peace token bought at an all-night drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel?

Third Woman: You’re so smart!

Pawn Shop Owner: No, just a properly trained connesuer. Was he your first fight? [ she nods her head ] Ah. Was it about something that seems incredibly silly and trivial to you now?

Third Woman: Mmm, no. It was another woman. But he gave me a Woofie, and he promised he’d never do it again.

Pawn Shop Owner: He didn’t mend his ways, did he?

Third Woman: No. We basically have a marriage of convenience.

Pawn Shop Owner: I thought so. I can usually spot a fraudelent sentiment. I’m sorry, this little doggie isn’t worth the fuzz that it’s made out of..

Third Woman: But he was crying when he gave it to me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Cheap sentimentality. He might have been drunk, I don’t know.

Second Woman: [ finished looking at the bronze baby shoes ] Oh.. I’ll take this one.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.

Second Woman: Oh, super! Do you have any old yearbooks?

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, you lose yours?

Second Woman: Yeah. I was ’69. Any Catholic high school yearbook will do.

Pawn Shop Owner: Sure. In the back.

Second Woman: Oh, okay. And, uh.. what about those fraternity pins? I need one that’s engraved “Judy”.

Pawn Shop Owner: Uh.. in the back. Yeah, they’re alphabetized back there.

Thank you. [ goes to the back room ]

Third Woman: Um.. just out of curiosity, what kind of items are worth the most?

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable. Anything from a child, a handmade items that took a lot of time and thought. Oh! The other day I had a lady come in, and she dropped off all her kids’ drawings! They’re selling like hotcakes!

Third Woman: Wow. Um.. thanks for the appraisal.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sure thing. Listen, come back sometime with an item that means something to you, and we’ll do business.

Third Woman: Okay!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. [ Second Woman returns ] Find anything you need?

Second Woman: Yeah. You want to ring things up for me?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ notices her finger ] Oh, whoa! Whoa! What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?

Second Woman: Oh, that’s just a plastic gumball machine ring. Yeah, when Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me as a wedding ring.. of course, later he gave me the two-karat diamond, but..

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, this one’s exquisite!

Second Woman: Yeah.. I like to wear it, you know? We were.. so young then.

Pawn Shop Owner: Boy.. the piece is absolutely first-rate. Absolutely first-rate! I mean, we’re talking.. over a thou! Yeah! Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it, you’ll come back here!

Second Woman: Alright, I will!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’d love to get my hands on that! [ phone rings ] Excuse me. Hello, Downtown Pawn! Pardon? Oh, your parents wedding album? And your grandmother’s diary? Sure, I’ll take them! Your father’s ashes? Yeah, yeah! I can keep the store open another hour!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Observational Stand-ups

Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Comedian #2…..Tom Hanks
Steve…..Dennis Miller
Jeff…..Dana Carvey

Comedian #2: So, Bob, how’s he doing?

Bob: Hey, he’s up for the portable condom bed.

Comedian #2: So, anyway, I’m flying back from the Coast after my “Hesson Brothers” gig.

Bob: Hey, how did it go?

Comedian #2: Oh, great, great. Anyway I’m sitting in coach and I’m thinking, “hey, whay do they call it coach?”

Bob: Hey, they don’t have any coaches there.

Comedian #2: No way.

Bob: Hey, it’s false advertising.

Comedian #2: Business class has business men. If I’m in coach I wanna meet Don Shula!

Bob: Hey, what happens if a coach sits in business class? Does he become a General Manager? I wanna know!

Comedian #2: Hey, it’s Steve.

Bob: Hey, Steve!

Steve: How’s everybody doin’?

Bob: Hey, great!

Steve: Hey, it’s great to be here.

Comedian #2: So, Steve, babe, what’s goin’ on?

Steve: Well I just got back from eatin’ Mexican and I’m thinking, hey, what’s the deal with these refried beans? I mean, hey, why do they have to fry them twice?

Bob: Hey, you don’t eat them twice.

Steve: Does that mean you get two checks? I mean my compliments to the chef, again.

Comedian #2: Excuse me, but with all this banter, I’m in a java state of mind. Anybody?

Bob: Hey, no thanks.

Steve: So, Bob, this refried beans thing…

Bob: Hey, you got more.

Steve: Yeah. Is the chef wearing bifocals, I wanna know.

Bob: And, hey, why are blind people always wearing sunglasses? I mean, hey, do deaf people wear ear muffs? I don’t know about you but I gotta wonder.

Comedian #2: Hey, guys, what do you say to God when he sneezes? Just a side thought.

Bob: Hey.

Steve: Hey, and twice baked potatoes. Same deal!

Bob: Hey, Steve, let it go.

Comedian #2: So, Bob, I hear your girlfriend moved out.

Bob: Oh, yeah. Hey, couldn’t make a commitment.

Comedian #2: Hey, that’s too bad.

Steve: Sorry to hear it.

Bob: Yeah, well I’ll never forget when she was moving out. I remember thinking, “hey, why do they call it moving out?”

Comedian #2: She’s not gonna live outdoors.

Bob: No way. She’s gonna go right into another building. And, hey, why do they call it a building?

Comedian #2: You never se anyone building it!

Steve: Hey, they should call it a built.

Comedian #2: Hey, why do they call it half-and-half? I mean, hey, what if it’s only half full? Does that make it quarter-quarter?

Steve: And hey, the top half is cream and the bottom half milk, they should call it crilk.

Bob: No, they shouldn’t.

Steve: Yes, they should.

Bob: No, they shouldn’t. They should call it meam.

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Comedian #2: Hey, hey. Guys, guys! I mean, hey! Hey, guys, No man is an island! And what about that Gilligan’s island?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean?

Comedian #2: Where did the Howells get all these baskets of clothes? It was a 3-hour tour. A 3-hour tour! What are they gonna do change their outfits every 10 minutes? I have got to know!

Steve: Hey, Jeff, how did it go?

Jeff: Hey, hot crowd, I’m saying I really scored with my Gilligan’s Island bit, yes.

Steve: Gilligan’s Island bit?

Jeff: Oh, yeah, the whole 3 hour tour thing, yes indeed.

Bob: Hey, that’s Bill’s bit.

Jeff: Bill’s bit?

Bob: Excuse me, I got a set to do. Hey, great minds think alike!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts