Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Those Unlucky Andersons

Mr. Anderson…..Chevy Chase
Mrs. Anderson…..Nora Dunn
Timmy…..Anthony Michael Hall
Tracy…..Joan Cusack
City Official…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now for an evening with “Those Unlucky Andersons”.

Mr. Anderson: [ reading paper ] Well, I guess we’d better cancel our barbecue, honey.

Mrs. Anderson: Not more bad weather?

Mr. Anderson: I’m afraid so, listen to this: 78° and sunny, except for the area around 516 Woodlawn Avenue.. which will continue to experience heavy rain and occasional sleet.

Mrs. Anderson: What a shame..

Mr. Anderson: Yeah.

Mrs. Anderson: Why is it always our house?

Mr. Anderson: It sure seems that way, doesn’t it?

Timmy: [ enters living room ] Hey, Mom, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Hey, Timmy! Oh, hey, what do you have there, Tim – one of those toy arrows through the arm?

Timmy: You know, Dad, I wish it were?

Mr. Anderson: Ooh.. oh boy, that’s too bad. It must hurt a bit.

Timmy: Yeah, it does.

Mr. Anderson: You’d better run that under some cold tap water, and put some butter on it.

Timmy: Butter?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah, it’ll make it better. Try it.

Timmy: Mom, how you doing? [ exits to kitchen ]

Mr. Anderson: Boy, I’ll bet that smarts. [ opens paper again ] Oh! Oh! Honey! It looks like we won the lottery again! [ laughs ] Over $8 million this time! The cat didn’t eat the ticket, did he?

Mrs. Anderson: Oh.. yes, I’m afraid so, dear. I guess it’s just the numbers he likes, I don’t know.

Mr. Anderson: Darn that cat! Timmy, where is Buster!

Mrs. Anderson: You know, it’s such a shame he doesn’t eat the losing ones.

Timmy: [ re-enters living room carrying frozen cat ] Here he is, Dad. you know, Buster’s kind of dumb, I think, Dad. He got into the freezer again.

Mr. Anderson: [ holds the frozen cat ] Uh.. I’ll never get the tickets out of him this way. Alright, take him back to the kitchen and warm him up.

Timmy: Alright, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Put some butter on him. Oh, uh, Tim, when you come back, I’ve got some news for you – you got a letter from the President of the United States!

Timmy: Who, Dad?

Mr. Anderson: [ chuckles ] The President!

Timmy: The President?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah.

Timmy: What’s it say, Dad?

Mr. Anderson: Well, let’s check it out.. [ stabs himself with the letter opener ]

Mrs. Anderson: Honey..

Mr. Anderson: It’s okay, it was open.. [ reads letter ] Oh, boy.. Timmy.. you’ve been drafted.

Timmy: Oh, great.

Mrs. Anderson: I thought the Army was all voluntary now?

Mr. Anderson: Well, it is. But, according to this, the Pentagon decided they need one more guy.

Mrs. Anderson: Oh.. and it had to be our Timmy.

Mr. Anderson: Darnit.

Mrs. Anderson: [ lowers head ] Oh, God!

Mr. Anderson: What’s the matter, honey, you lose a contact lens?

Mrs. Anderson: No, my whole eye!

Timmy: Oh, Mom!

Mr. Anderson: Let me help you look for that.. [ gets down on his knees to search the floor ] Ah! This must be our lucky day! Here’s that button I lost!

Mrs. Anderson: Good things come in threes.. because here’s my eye, and another button! [ back cracks as she stands ] Oh.. honey, I think I just turned my spine out again!

Mr. Anderson: Oh, no, sweetheart.. get in the kitchen, put some butter on that.

Tracy: [ enters living room ] Hi, Dad..

Mr. Anderson: Hi, Tracy, did you have a good day? Well, honey, how’d you get that burn on your hand?

Tracy: On the bus. A Buddhist mon sitting next to me was upset about politics and set me on fire.

Mr. Anderson: Some people.. Well, you’d better get in there and put some butter on it. Hey, uh.. that is a hysterical pregnancy, isn’t it?

Tracy: No, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Come on.. it doesn’t have anything to do with the supernatural, or the devil or anything..? [ she runs away crying ] Darn it all!

[ doorbell rings ]

Timmy: Dad, the door.

Mr. Anderson: I’ll get it, I’ll get it. [ opens door, smacks himself in the head ]

City Official: Mr. Anderson?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah, that’s me. How are you? This is my son, Tim, he’s going to be joining the Army against his will.

Timmy: Dad..

City Official: Mr. Anderson, the local historical society has been going through the old town records.

Mr. Anderson: Oh?

City Official: Yes. And they turned up some 17th Century legal papers.

Mr. Anderson: Sounds very interesting.

City Official: Yes. And, according to an old law they found, you’re under arrest.

Mrs. Anderson: [ re-enters living room wearing an eyepatch ] Honey?

Mr. Anderson: Uh, honey, don’t set a place for me, I’m gonna be in prison for a while.

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, what a shame. Well, honey, before you go, do you remember what we usually do when the cat’s on fire?

Mr. Anderson: Uh, yeah.. we run him under some cold tap water, and put some butter on him.

Announcer: You’ve been watching an evening with “Those Unlucky Andersons”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Smoky Hallways

Fire Chief…..Chevy Chase
Fireman #1…..Damon Wayans
Fireman #2…..Don Novello
Fireman #3…..Terry Sweeney
Fireman #4…..Anthony Michael Hall
Fireman #5…..Jon Lovitz
Fireman #6…..Robert Downey Jr.
Fireman #7…..Randy Quaid
Fireman…..Dan Vitale

FADE IN:

[ STOCK FOOTAGE OF FIRE FIGHTERS RUSHING TO THEIR ENGINES AND THE BLAZINGINFERNO ON SCENE. ]

[ INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT ]

[ A FIRE CHIEF and his crew arrive. The area is covered in smoke. ]

Fire Chief: Okay men — we gotta check every compartment in here! Checkevery door! We gotta make sure nobody’s in here! Okay!?

[ The fire fighters scramble to check the hallway. The fire chief pointsto all sorts of doorways while his team goes into every one. ]

Fire Chief: You — check that door!

[ The fire chief points to another door. ]

Fire Chief: You — check that one! Go ahead! You check that door, too!

[ The fire chief points to another door to two of his men. ]

Fire Chief: You two — check those doors! Every door here — check it!!

[ The fire chief points to another door. ]

Fire Chief: You check that door! Come on, check it! Let’s go, let’s go!!

Fireman #1: What about this door?

Fire Chief: Check it!

Fireman #2: What about this door?

Fire Chief: Check it! You better check it! I wanna make sure you check it!

[ The fire chief points out a previous door. ]

Fire Chief: Did you check that door!? Well, check it again!

Fireman #3: What are we going to do!?

Fire Chief: Check it again and make sure you check it!

[ The fire chief points two different firemen and a door behind them. ]

Fire Chief: You both check that door? You two — make sure you check it! Check it!!

[ A different fireman goes in the door the fire chief gave orders for theprevious two to enter. ]

Fire Chief: Get outta of there!! Check down there! Come on, let go! Check them all!!

Fireman: I’ll check it!

[ The fire chief and his crew leave the hallway. ]

Fire Chief: All right — let’s check ’em!

[ INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY – NIGHT ]

[ Smoke fills the passageway and the crew keeps bumping into each other.They all scramble to check the doors. The fire chief’s the last show up. ]

Fire Chief: Check that door! Check it! It’s weird! Check it again!

[ The fire chief points out a door to a fireman. ]

Fire Chief: Come on, check it! What do you think you get a check for!?!? I’m not checking!

[ A fireman approaches the fire chief. ]

Fire Chief: Did you check that door!? Check it again!

[ FIREMAN #4 rushes to the fire chief. ]

Fireman #4: Chief! You want me to check that door!?

Fire Chief: Double-check it! I don’t care! Okay!?

[ The fire chief points to a door on his left to another fireman. ]

Fire Chief: Check that door!

[ The fire chief calls for Fireman #4 and points to the door he asked forto be checked. Fireman #4 races to the fire chief. ]

Fire Chief: Come here! Come here! Come here! You check that!?

Fireman #4: This one!?

Fire Chief: Make sure its checked!

[ The fire chief starts to get light-headed and losing his footing. ]

Fireman #5: Chief!

Fire Chief: What!? What do you want!? Your check!?!? It’s too early! Check in the morning!

[ The fire chief’s getting more unbalanced. ]

Fire Chief: Check! I want you to check! Check!

[ The fire chief faints. The crew circles around him. ]

Fireman #5: Check his pulse!

Fireman #6: The “checks” were too much for him!

Fireman #7: There’s one thing we’re not sure about — we think we checkedbut then we’re not! Probably though… What should we do?

[ The fire chief starts to regain consciousness and sits up. ]

Fireman #7: Wait — I think he’s trying to say something!

Fire Chief: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Pathological Liars Anonymous

Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, a message from Pathological Liars Anonymous.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello, my name is Tommy Flanagan, and I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact.. I’m the president of the organization!

I didn’t always lie. No, when I was a kid, I told the truth. But then one day, I got caught stealing money out of my mother’s purse. I lied. I told her it was homework – that my teacher told me to do it. And she got fired! Yeah, that’s what happened!

After that, lying was easy for me. I lied about my age and joined the army. I was thirteen at the time. Yeah.. I went to Vietnam, and I was injured catching a mortar shell in my teeth. And they made me a three-star general! And then I got a job in journalism, writing for the National Enquire.. er, Geographic! Yeah.. I was making twenty thousand a ye.. month! In fact, I won the Pulitzer Prize that year! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

And then my cousin died – Joe Louis – and I took it hard. Maybe too hard – I tried to kill myself. Yeahh.. I did kill myself! Sure! I was medically dead for a week and a half! It was a woman that brought me out of it – Indira Gandhi! Yeah, right.. And she told me about Pathological Liars Anonymous.

Oh, you’d be surprised how many famous people belong. In fact.. at one of the meetings I met my wife – Morgan Fairchild! Yes, I’m a change man now, and all because of Pathological Liars Anonymous. Why, I – I even have my picture on the cover of Newsweek magazine. Yeah. Every day! Yeah.. that’s the ticket! Yeah, you betcha!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!

Chevy Chase: Thank you very much! Good evening! Thank you very much!

[ Chevy points to the upper left balcony portion of the audience. ]

Chevy Chase: Take him out! It’s great to be back.

Male Audience Member (O/S): We love you, Chevy!!

[ Chevy points to the same area again. ]

Chevy Chase: Out. This studio has so many memories for me… As you well know…

[ Chevy points to Stage Right. ]

Chevy Chase: For instance, I used to play little league ball in that corner over there… uh…

[ Chevy points to The Saturday Night Band. ]

Chevy Chase: Actually, my grandma used to live right up there, where the band is… years of memories… I also used to work here, quite seriously. Some of you remember it was a little show… “The Marty Nesbitt Show”; too bad about what happened to Marty.

It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years. Ten long years. To me, it only feels like 11… 11 1/2… I started doing this show 15 years ago and I’ve only been here a week.

I’ve gotten to know the cast very well. It’s a great new cast! I hope you saw last week’s show and if you didn’t, you’re going to meet them. They’re a great group of 28 kids… uh… not true. There are only about seven.

And I like them all, particularly that one guy Mark… Mark Lugar.

[ Chevy glances off camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Huh… Oh, Jon! That kid Jon… Jon Lugar.

[ Chevy glances off camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Lovitz? Jon Lovitz! Jon, come on up here!

[ Cheers and applause from the audience as Jon gets onto Home Base with Chevy. ]

Chevy Chase: Just one of the cast… One of the new kids, one of the new kids…

Jon Lovitz: Thanks for those kind words, Mr. Chase.

Chevy Chase: You’re very welcome, Carl.

Jon Lovitz: Mr. Chase, the cast wanted me to ask you if you could give us any words of advice. Anything that would help us in the future.

Chevy Chase: Certainly — when you’re having a barbeque, never pour the charcoal fluid directly on top of the charcoal. Always wait for a little bit, then lit the charcoal because then the grill will go BOOM! Then they’ll be a mess, and… always avoid leaving oily rags in the garage… that’s always a good thing.

Jon Lovitz: Can I ask you another question?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t have any more time. Thanks, Marge!

[ Jon and Chevy shake hands and Jon exits. ]

Chevy Chase: That gal is great! Stick with us. We got a great show. My musical guest is, of course, you already know — Sheila Eisenberg.

[ Chevy glances off camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Only the initial? Okay… S. Eisenberg is going to be here. It’s going to be terrific. We’ll be right back! Stay with us!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Freedom from Trojans

[Moving aerial view of the Statue of Liberty]

Announcer: Freedom. We expect it in America. Freedom to choose the way we meet the challenges of life. Freedom to compete, to risk, to fail, and to succeed. No resource is more precious than freedom. It enriches our personal lives, and the lives of those around us. And yet, it can be taken away, if we allow it, by the same government that can assure our personal freedom. Something to think about, from the people at Trojans.

[SUPER: Trojans]

Submitted by: Larry Petit

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Damon Wayans

Anouncer: Now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Don Pardo! And you know, Don, I find you so.. fresh, exciting!

Indian guru Rajneesh went back to India this week, after a plea-bargaining this week, leaving behind his disciples, the remnants of that controversial Oregan commune. Reports from our Oregan correspondent say that the disciples, seeking new leadership, have descended upon the home of ZZ Top. And security has been beefed up around the Oak Ridge Boys’ Nashville compound.

Phillipine President Ferdinand Marcos started campaigning for the January 17th election this week. So far his chances are excellent, considering he’s the only candidate. However, even that position seemed threatened yesterday, when he named Geraldine Ferraro as his running-mate.

The New York State Board of Regents, this week, voted to let high school girls play on teams with boys in contact sports. However, the girls must first be examined by a special Fitness Panel. So far, the biggest reaction is from the boys, who have given up sports and are now trying out for the Fitness Panel.

President Reagan has authorized the CIA to undermine Momar Kadaffi’s Libya regime. CIA Director William Casey affirms that the plan is to stop terrorism, not to suppot the assassination of Kadaffi. However, he did explain that James Earl Ray, Sirhn Sirhan and John Hinckley were being sent to Libya as “observers”.

The Swiss government has finally broken with its historical neutrality, by announcing today that, in the event of nuclear war, it will ally itself with.. the winner!

A radical feminist group in Washington, D.C., today, demanded that the Heimlich Manuever be renamed the Heimlich Come-On. According to the group’s spokeswoman, “There’s a lot of scumballs out there who feel a piece of beef wedged halfway down the throat is a great reason to cop a feel.” Heimlich homself could not be reached for comment, as he was participating in a nude volleyball game at Hef’s pad.

The U.S. and Soviet Union have agreed on a new treaty banning the proliferation of chemical weapons. The treaty is pending final agreement, on exactly where in New Jersey the weapons will be disposed of.

Here’s what’s happening on Wall Street this week: The Dean Jones Industrial Average plummeted 3 points, after setting a new mark on Thursday. Thank you, Dino, what a diverse talent.

General Motors announced this past week that some of its luxury cars will cost nearly $4,000 more in 1986 than in 1985. The company justified the increase by promising that the ’86 models would actually work. Take that, Toyota!

The Coca-Cola Corporation announced today that, in an effort to broaden its consumer base, it is unveiling yet another variation on the basic Coke theme – Pepsi-Coke, a subtle blend of classic Coke and Pepsi will be hitting the shleves on December 4th, just two days before the release of Pepsi Co.’s new master stroke – Coke-Pepsi.

Dennis Miller: And now, with a look at the national deficit, here’s our Uptown Financial Analyst, Damon Wayans.

Damon Wayans: What’s up, y’all? You know, just recently I watched President Reagan’s budget proposal on TV, and, after meditating on his plan, I’ve come to the conclusion that Homeboy don’t know what he’s doing. You see, Ronnie’s talking about cutting back on Social Aid. If he cuts Welfare one more time, all them flies over in Ethopia is gonna be over here. Brothers up in Harlem are gonna be like this.. [ swats pretend flies ] You see, the real problem is, we’re what’s called a “decimation”, which means we owe out a lot of money. And what baffles me is, we keep lending crazy money to foreign countries who can’t afford to pay us back! Instead of cutting ’em off, we lend ’em mo’ money! Maybe we should be more like the Russians. You see, they don’t have no trace deficit. That’s ’cause they know how to collect! [ smacks his fists ] See, if you them even one ruble for too long, Boris comes in with them tanks, and he repossesses your whole country! It might be time for us to take a firmer stand.

[ holds up picture of Uncle Sam and a consumer ] Now, this represents the owing country, and this is the U.S. I figure.. [ switches to picture of Uncle Sam punching consumer ] ..if the U.S. would, perhaps, intimidate these owing countries like this, they could start to produce some sort of payment fund. Then, maybe we could go over to the Middle East and make some mo’ money. We could sell Iraq an MX Missile for a billion dollars, boom! Turn around, sell Iran an MX for $2 billion – mo’ money, mo’ money! Let ’em blow each other up – they’re killing each other, anyway! You know? Come in, take over them oil fields – you know, mo’ money! Then we could start selling bigger and better cars for less money. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money!

Or, maybe we could just be a lot more careful with who we lend our money to. Back to you, baby! Dennis?

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Damon, for washing into our lives like a sweet breeze of truth. It’s kind of like having Antonio Fargus and Miltion Friedman in the same chair, huh? Well, folks, I can see the caboose, and it’s time to wrap up.. and, rest assured, I ain’t gonna play Sun City, and Vegas is probably out of the question, too. That’s the news, I’m gone!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 23rd, 1985

Pee Wee Herman

Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

None

None
Pee Wee’s Tightrope WalkSummary: Pee Wee Herman’s tightrope walk between the Twin Towers results in his falling through the air.

Transcript

Montage

Pee Wee Herman’s MonologueSummary: Pee Wee Herman wear various funny shoes, assigns secret names to the audience, and dances to “Tequila.”

Army: Say NoSummary: While a teenager (Anthony Michael Hall) succums to peer pressure from his friends to smoke and drink, he draws the line when they all decide to join the Army.

Transcript

Locker RoomSummary: Feeling a void in his marriage, (Randy Quaid) considers going to a hooker. But his buddy, Pee Wee Herman, isn’t sure what he’s talking about.

Pee Wee Herman’s Thanksgiving SpecialSummary: Pee Wee Herman hosts an all-star Thanksgiving special.

Recurring Characters: Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

Note: Phil Hartman, who played Cap’n Carl in Pee Wee Herman’s various specials, not only co-wrote this sketch but also appears as an extra in the background. He would join “SNL” for a lengthy run the following season.

Note: Former Ebersol-era cast member Robin Duke is visible in the audience during the Diana Ross performance.

The Pat Stevens ShowSummary: Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) blithely interviews a depression expert (Randy Quaid).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Die Foreigner Die!Summary: A promo for a new action movie starring Sylverster Stallone, Chuck Norris and a lot of dead foreignors!

The Pathological LiarSummary: Pathological liar Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) shares a jail cell with Pee Wee Herman, and the two swap tall tales.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: After a falling out with the Vatican, ex-reporter Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) has started his own church and declares himself Pope Maurice.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Dinosaur TownSummary: Alarmed that the owners of Dinosaur Town have gone bankrupt, Pee Wee Herman starts a campaign to find a mouse in a Coke bottle so they can use the settlement money to re-open the theme park.

Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band performs “La Louisiane”

Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band performs “Frisco Zydeco”

Miss PattersonSummary: Student Pee Wee Herman declares his love for teacher Miss Patterson (Joan Cusack), and, after much convincing, she finally reciprocates his emotions.

A Message From Cabrini GreenRecurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

Hal Fisher’s Money Magnet MethodSummary: Hal Fisher (Randy Quaid) explains how to make money in real estate by taking advantage of motivated sellers.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

Say No To The Army

Teenager…..Anthony Michael Hall
Friends…..Robert Downey, Jr., Bruce McCulloch

[ open on a group of teenagers driving down the street, most of them drinking, as the last Teenager gives in to the peer pressure ]

Announcer: Sometimes, it’s hard to say no.

[ the Teenager is offered a cigarette, he once again gives in to peer pressure ]

Your friends can pressure you.

[ group of girls walk up to the guys ]

You want to be cool.

You want to be one of the guys.

[ Teeanger’s friends lead him into a building ]

[ Army Recruiter looks at the group of teenagers and smiles, then looks to the other Teeanger ]

But.. when the time comes.. it’s really up to you.

Teeanger: [ panicks and runs ] NOOOO!! NOOOO!! NOOOO!! NOOOO!!

Announcer: Say no. The Army. It’s like playing with a loaded gun.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

Goodnights

…..Pee Wee Herman

Pee Wee Herman: Well! I’ve had a really, really swell time hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, especially working with this young and talented cast – the cool band – everybody here! And we’ve got about thirty seconds left, so, uh – [ looks up at the house band ] do you guys know “Sex Machine”?

[ the audience cheers ]

Hit it!

[ the cast joins Pee Wee on stage; Jon Lovitz makes many attempts to drape a robe around Pee Wee’s back ]

Get up! [ laughs ]
Get up
Stay on the scene, like a sex machine!

You got to have the feeling, sure as you’re born I gotta have the feelingRight on, right on.

Take me to the bridge!

Can I have the bridge?

Take me to the bridge!

I gotta have the bridge!

Hey!
The way I see it
That’s the way it is!
He got the ticket
I got his! [ laughs ]

Stay on the scene, like a sex machine
Stay on the scene, like a sex machine.

Let me hear you say: Pee Wee!
Let me hear you say: Aaaaaaahhhhh!!
Let me hear you say: I know you are! [ laughs ]
But what am I?
Let me hear you say: I love it.
[ laughs ] Why don’t you marry it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

The Pathological Liar

…..Pee Wee Herman
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
Guard…..Dan Vitale

FADE IN:

INT. PRISON CELL – NIGHT

A GUARD opens the cell door and throws PEE WEE HERMAN in. TOMMY FLANAGAN sits on his rack.

Pee Wee Herman: You’re throwing me in prison cell with a bunch of hardened criminals!? I tell you – I won’t make it!!

[ Pee Wee sits on his rack. Tommy arises from his. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey! You can’t bring him in here. This is my cell! Yeah, yeah… the warden said I could have it all to myself!

Guard: Shut up, you liar!

[ The guard leaves the cell. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey… I resent that! That guy calling me a liar!? I spent five years in Pathological Liars Anonymous… getting cured… I even took a lie detector test. I had the highest test they’d seen in fiv-ten years. I’m Fla-nag-in. Tommy Flanagan. What’s your name?

[ Tommy extends his hand for Pee Wee to shake. Pee Wee shakes it. ]

Pee Wee Herman: Herman. Pee Wee. So… what are you in for Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, me? I work here… yeah… I just came in to take a nap.

Pee Wee Herman: Well that’s a relief. At least I’m not in here with a bunch of hardened criminals.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh… I am a criminal.

Pee Wee Herman: I don’t get it. How can you be a criminal and work here?

Tommy Flanagan: I don’t know. Oh… it’s because I’ve never been caught. Yeah… that’s it! I’m a car thi—jewel thief… yeah… I stole the Hope – the Crown Jewels.

Pee Wee Herman: I didn’t hear anything about that.

Tommy Flanagan: That’s because they don’t know they’re missing… yeah… so what are you in for? Robbery? Extortion? Murder!?

Pee Wee Herman: Speeding. Yeah… uh… I was uh… speeding away from a bank I robbed.

[ Pee Wee gives a high-pitched laugh. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Bank robber, huh? I was a bank robber when I was a kid… yeah… I was 12 years-old at the time… yeah… I used to rob five banks a day, six days a week! Then on the day of, I was a pickpocket… yeah… that’s it.

Pee Wee Herman: I never robbed a bank when I was a kid. My mom wouldn’t let me, but uh… I trained my dog to do it… yeah… my dog could sit, roll over, and rob banks.

Tommy Flanagan: No kidding?

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah… except, uh… then he got run over chasing a Brinks truck.

[ Pee Wee laughs again. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah. I saw that accident. Well… if you ask me, he got what was coming to him. You know, it’s getting hard to where you can’t walk down the streets no more. Why just the other day, I was walking home from robbing… Fort Knox –

Pee Wee Herman: For the fifth time, I suppose.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly. Anyway, I was walking on my way home and all the sudden this man walks up to me and sticks a gun in my face.

Pee Wee Herman: So you killed him!?

Tommy Flanagan: No, no, I… uh… flipped him. Yeah… that’s what I did… and it turned out he was a Russian spy. Yeah… yeah… that’s it. He was the head of the K-G-B.

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah, you know, I think I remember that. I was the Presi – head of the CIA at the time. Yeah!

Tommy Flanagan: No kidding.

Pee Wee Herman: No, no… I wouldn’t kid you. You see, I started out as a regular agent. Then, they promoted me to double agent. Then, I got shipped of to Brazil because I could speak Portuguese so good.

Tommy Flanagan: I speak Portuguese too! When I’m in the mood… yeah! Learned it when I was a minis – bishop! Yeah… That’s what I was… a bishop. Yeah… I was the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I went to Rome you see to convert the Pope and uh… I was kidnapped by…

Pee Wee Herman: Hare Krishnas!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! Yeah! And they got me at the airport, you know… well, they, they tortured me day and night, chanting in my ear, but I wouldn’t talk, you see? So I kept me in a… a…

Pee Wee Herman: Birdcage!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! They kept me for six years… and they used to cut of my head every night so I couldn’t escape!

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah… I don’t know how you could stand that! They tried to do that to me when I was the President of Ford Motors… but… but… it nearly drove me batty.

Tommy Flanagan: Well… it was the Bible that saved me. Yeah… it was an… exploding Bible! Yeah… that’s what it was! I threw it into their incense burner and it blew them up! It was raining ponytails for two weeks I tell you! You should have seen them!

[ The guard approaches the cell door. ]

Guard: Alright you two – up on your feet!

[ Pee Wee dashes to the guard and grabs him by his jacket. ]

Pee Wee Herman: I won’t talk I tell you! I want to see my lawyer!

Tommy Flanagan: Don’t worry… the guard’s probably here for me. I’m expecting a pardon from the Governor… yeah…

Guard: A pardon!? What are you nuts!? They don’t give out pardons for jaywalking. Your wife paid your bail – you’re out of here. And you as well, pal. Just watch yourself when you cross the street, next time. C’mon, c’mon.

[ The guard snaps his fingers. Tommy exits the cell. ]

Tommy Flanagan: How do you like that? My wife paid my bail… yeah… she’s Morgan Fairchild.

[ Pee Wee follows behind Tommy, trying to “one-up” him. The guard closes the door shut. The CAMERA zooms out for a WIDE SHOT of the set in Studio 8H. Various crew members & cameras shuffle around. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts