Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Sports Injury

Coach…..John Belushi
Chambers…..Dan Aykroyd
Player…..Garrett Morris
Second Coach…..Bill Murray
…..Fran Tarkenton

[ open on Coach John Belushi and members of Team Saturday Night watching from the sidelines as they cheer on their teammate, Chambers ]

Coach: Alright, alright, alright! Come on! We’ve got it! Come on! We’ve got it! Okay, he’s open! He’s open! Go, Chambers, go! Go, Chambers, go! Go, Chambers! [ he cringes ] Ohhhh!!!! He dropped the ball! Oh, God, I don’t believe it! [ turns to his players on the bench ] Defense, get in there! Get in there! Defense! Move!! Move!! Get that ball!! Get that ball!

[ the various sidelined players run onto the field, as the Coach looks about frantically ]

Where’s Chambers?! Chambers, get over here! Chambers! [ Chambers steps forward ] Chambers! What’s going on out there, Chambers?! You’re the best halfback we’ve got! You were wide open — then some guy puts an arm tackle on you, and you fumble the ball! I don’t believe it! What happened?!

Chambers: [ nervously ] I don’t know, I saw daylight, and I was going through, Coach, and… the guy grabbed my arm — pulled my arm off — and I fumbled the ball!

Coach: [ confused ] What?

Chambers: He tore my arm off!

[ Chambers shifts his body to reveal that his right arm is missing ]

Coach: [ incredulous ] So, it’s a little injury, is that it?! You can’t play hurt, is that what you’re trying to tell me, you CREAM PUFF!! You can’t play hurt, Chambers? Well, this is a championship game!

[ another player walks up ]

Player: Hey, man?

Chambers: Yeah?

Player: [ holds up the detached arm ] Is this yours?

Chambers: Yeah.

[ Coach grabs the detached arm and sends the player on his way ]

Coach: Is this the arm, Chambers?

Chambers: Yeh, that’s it.

Coach: Well, it looks fine to ME!! [ shoves the arm toward a second coach ] Tape it up! Come on! Get it up there! Tape it up! [ the second coach begins towrap tape around Chambers and his detached arm ] Now, remember, Chambers — just TOUCH the ball, alright? Just TOUCH the ball! [ to the second coach ] Get that tape up there! Come on! Come on! [ pounds Chambers along the chest to hold the tape in ] Now, run! You know — when the going gets tough, the tough get weak! No, the tough get hurt! The tough get going!! Don’t worry about it! [ to the second coach ] Get that tape up there! [ the botched tape job is complete ] Okay, it’s in! It’s fine! Now, when you play with pain, you play well! Alright? Okay, get out there!

Chambers: What if I — what if I permanently damage the arm?

Coach: It’s alright — you can always be a place kicker! Move! Get out there! Get out there, Chambers!

[ Chambers runs back onto the field, as Coach moves down the roster ]

Coach: Tark! [ Fran Tarkenton jumps to his feet ] Move out there, kid! Come on! Do the intro! [ Tarkenton runs across the studio ] Let’s go! Make it happen! Make something happen!

[ Tarkenton scrambles toward the audience to introduce Leo Sayer ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Fran Tarkenton’s Monologue

…..Fran Tarkenton
Coach…..John Belushi
Lee Whitehead…..Bill Murray
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Fran Tarkenton!

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, thank you. Thank you very much. Uh, now I’m not going to predict how this show will turn out. Uh — [ he laughs ] You know, I’ve never hosted a TV show before, and I really don’t have the best track records… as far as predictions go. Before the Superbowl, I kind of made a fool of myself. I got on national television, and told the whole world the Vikings would definitely win the game. And, as you probably know, we… were narrowly defeated. Uh — [ he laughs ] by a very, very lucky Oakland team.

Uh — before we go any further, I’d like to say something about the kind of people here on “Saturday Night”. They asked me to do this show a week before the Superbowl, and, uh — I thought if we lost the game, “Saturday Night” would be well within their rights to, uh, call me the next day and cancel. Well… [ he chuckles ] I was wrong, and, uh, they called me at Half Time.

Now, I want everyone to know — especially you Vikings fans out there — that the Vikings aren’t dead yet. [ the audience cheers ] Uh — we’re a team, uh, built on pride and discipline. And, next July, we’re going back to Mankato, Minnesota — we’re gonna work harder than ever. We’re gonna put on those bonnets and purple jerseys, and strap those little shoulder pads on, and I guarantee ya’ that… we’ll BE in that Superbowl next season! And I predict… we’ll lose again.

[ the audience applauds the joke ]

You know, in the NFL, most plays are sent into the court of act from the sidelines. But, I’m a little different. I call my own plays, and I’m gonna try and do that tonight. So, right now, I’d — I’d like to sing a song. [ he nods ] Uh — a song that’s really, uh — very, very special to me, and… here it is.

[ music begins to play, as Tarkenton grabs a microphone, and pulls up a stool and sits ]

“Feelings!
Nothing more than feelings!”

[ on the sidelines, John Belushi cringes at the results of Tarkenton’s performance ]

[ commentator Lee Whitehead appears in superimposed circle on the left side of the screen ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, you can’t help but wonder if maybe Coach John Belushi has made a technical error tonight, in letting Fran Tarkenton try his luck as a singer. Now, don’t get me wring — I’m not badmouthing Tark, uh, but you just can’t expect a guy who’s passed over 25,000 yards and 300 touchdowns to be able to pull off a dramatic ballad.

[ Belushi angrily slams a chair against the sidelines ]

Lee Whitehead: Now, I’m sorry, but that’s my opinion, uh —

[ Belushi grabs Garrett Morris off the bench ]

Lee Whitehead: Now, it seems that, uh, Belushi is sending in a play, with Garrett Morris, the talented running back out of Julius Irving High School here. And I wonder, uh, if we can get our statistician, Bobby Van Ry, to find out how many miles 45,000 yards adds up to.

[ Garrett runs up to Home Base ]

Lee Whitehead: Now, it looks like Garrett is gonna make a little bit of a change here. Back to the action for a second.

[ Garrett and Tarkenton agree to switch places for the good of the team, as Tarkenton shuffles away from Home Base and Garrett continues the song ]

Garrett Morris: [ singing ]
“Feelings!
Wo-oh-oh-oh, feelings!
Wo-oh-oh-oh, feelings!”

[ on the sidelines, Tarkenton balks at the switch, so Belushi smacks him ]

Garrett Morris: [ singing ]
“Again… in my… hea-ea-ea-earrrrrttt!!”

We’ll be right back!

[ Garrett bows gracefully, as the crowd cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Leo Sayer performs “When I Need You”

…..Leo Sayer

Fran Tarkenton: Ladies and gentlemen — Leo Sayer.

Leo Sayer: [ singing ]
“When I need you
I just close my eyes and I’m with you
And all that I so want to give you
It’s only a heartbeat away.

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day.

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can’t take the place of your smile
But you know I wont be traveling forever
It’s cold out, but hold out, and do I like I do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I’m with you
And all that I so wanna give you, babe
It’s only a heartbeat away.

It’s not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that’s a heavy load that we bear
But you know I wont be traveling a lifetime
It’s cold out, but hold out, and do like I do.

Oh, I need you.

[ sax solo ]

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day.

When I need you
I just close my eyes
And you’re right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day.

I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hand
And Im with you, darling
Yes, I’m with you, darling
And all I wanna give you
It’s only a heartbeat away.

When I need you.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Leo Sayer performs “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing”

…..Leo Sayer

Announcer: Once again, here’s Leo Sayer.

Leo Sayer: [ singing ]
“You’ve got a cute way of talking
You got the better of me
Just snap your fingers and I’m walking
Like a dog hanging on your lead

I’m in a spin, you knowShaking on a string, you know!

You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) dance the night away
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) ahhhhh!

Quarter to four in the morning
I ain’t feeling tired, no no no no no
Just hold me tight and leave on the light
‘Cause I don’t want to go home

You put a spell on me
I’m right where you want me to be!

You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) dance the night away
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) ahhhhh!

You take me higher
I’m gonna catch on fire, ’cause

You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make me feel like dancing
I want to dance the night away
You make feel like dancing
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) dance the night away
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) dance the night away
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) dance the night away
I feel like dancing (whoo!) dancing (whoo!) ahhhhh!

You really slipped me a potion
I can’t get off of the floor
All this perpetual motion
You gotta give me some more
You gotta give me some more

And if you’ll let me stayWe’ll dance our lives away!

You make me feel like dancing (I wanna dance my life away)
You make me feel like dancing (I wanna dance my life away)
You make me feel like dancing (I wanna dance my life away)
I feel
You make me feel like dancing (I wanna dance my life away)
You make me feel like dancing (I wanna dance my life away)
I feel
You make me feel just like dancing (I wanna dance my life away)
I feel!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Black Perspective

…..Garrett Morris
…..Fran Tarkenton

Garrett Morris: Good evening, and welcome to “Black Perspective”. I’m your host, Garrett Morris. Tonight’s discussion concerns the black athlete in pro football. And our guest is the legendary quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings, Fran Tarkenton. Welcome, Fran.

Fran Tarkenton: Well, thank you, it’s nice to be here.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, Fran. Aside from your fabulous career on the field, you are also a member of the National Football League’s committee on race relations.

Fran Tarkenton: Well, that’s true, Garrett. I’ve been the Chairman since 1971.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, you’ve been quoted as saying that football is really brotherhood in action, man. What did you mean by that?

Fran Tarkenton: Well, you know, a football team is a family, a family unit consisting of 40 men living and working together toward a goal – winning. And it’s a family that counts. The only color that exists is the color of a player’s jersey.

Garrett Morris: Well, times certainly have changed, Fran. I mean, we’ve come a long way.

Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, and it’s about time, I say.

Garrett Morris: Right on. right on, man. But still, man, even in 1977, you know, some stereotypes still exist, wouldn’t you agree?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, none that I know of.

Garrett Morris: Well, how about the myth that a black man can not make it as a pro quarterback? There are 28 teams in the league, and only three of them have black quarterbacks, and they all sitting on the bench, you know what I mean?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh.. yeah, yeah.

Garrett Morris: Well, for years there’s been this myth that a black’s mind is not elaborate enough to read defenses. And he can’t call audible from the line, and that he has no leadership qualities. Now, you’ve been, you know, in the league for sixteen years, and you just said that there is no prejudice, right?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, yes.

Garrett Morris: Then, what about these myths?

Fran Tarkenton: They’re absolutely true, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: I must have missed something. What did you say?

Fran Tarkenton: It’s not a myth, it’s a fact. Every black I know has trouble with area codes, let alone numbers of plays!

Garrett Morris: Wait, wait, wait.. say that again?

Fran Tarkenton: Well, you know, even the black kids in the summer camp I run don’t have it. Sure, they can dance in the end zone, they’ve got the bomes in their feet. But when it comes to leadership, one black quarterback on the forty yard line ends up in the parking lot with a bucket of chicken!

Garrett Morris: Hey, man, I know what you mean! Yeah, that’s true! Yeah, I know what you mean!

Fran Tarkenton: And, Garrett, let’s face it – try to be objective. If you were on the offensve line, would you turn your back on a black guy standing behind you? Especially during a night game?

Garrett Morris: No, man.. not me. I’ve got a wife and kids. Uh.. look, man, thank you for clearing that up, man. I’ve always had a problem about that. And thank you for watching “Black Perspective”. Next week, Mark Spitz explains why there are no black swimmers.

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Pornographic Money For Cash Freaks” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Sugar-Coated Anabolic Steroids

…..Fran Tarkenton
Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Fran sitting at the kitchen table ]

Fran Tarkenton: Hi, I’m Fran Tarkenton. You know, it takes strength and stamina to play pro football. You need to replace lots of lost muscle tissue fast, and sometimes your metabolic system just can’t pull it off alone. That’s why I start each day… with a big bowl of Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids.

[ he pours a box of the cereal into a bowl ]

This cereal is a delicious synthetic derivative of male hormones, and in one eight-ounce bowl I get more than my body would produce in three years.

[ he holds up the individual colored pieces ]

There’s testosterone, for quick weight gain.

Stanazol, to boost your strength.

And these androgens, to help promote aggressiveness and turn your grapes into raisins.

But the BEST part — [ he chuckles ] has got to be the taste. It’s great with milk, or right from the box. [ he pours milk into his cereal bowl, and chugs a few pieces by hand ] Mmm! Slightly sweetened, and mixed with chewy arshmallow magnesium bits to help slow sudden muscle decay.

So, whether you’re a professional athlete… or just a housewife — [ camera pans right to reveal his bearded wife seated next to him ] lower your metabolism the way the pros do: with Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids. The male hormone cereal. Oh! I almost forgot.

[ cut to a young boy seated at the table, also bearded ]

Kids like it, too.

Announcer: Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids. The official cereal of the Soviet Union Shotput Team.

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with CAPTION: “Flunked Body Language” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Team Saturday Night

Coach…..John Belushi
…..Fran Tarkenton
…..cast of “Saturday Night”

[ open on a locker room set ]

Coach: I can’t… play the game for you, I don’t know what else to tell ya’. I don’t know what else to do. This is the Big One! Our last two games, we were off our games. Okay? We blew some sure laughs. We were SLOPPY! We didn’t have any GUTS! Let’s face it: we didn’t want it BAD enough!! Okay. Now, we’re losing some strength — Belushi’s gonna be out this week. But I’ll be on the sidelines, sending in those jokes — WHEN it’s necessary! Now, when you get out in front of those cameras, I want you yto act what you feel! Act what you KNOW!! And, remember: what’s the most important thing?

Cast: BE FUNNY!!!!

Coach: Fight!!

All: Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight..!!

Coach: Okay, alright! Now, Tark — you’re gonna be out there first. You got any questions?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, yeah — if I tell a joke, and it doesn’t get an immediate response, uh, do I wait for a laugh?

Coach: No! [ he punches a locker ] No, no! Bill!

Bill Murray: Uh — when a joke doesn’t get a laugh, tell the joke it should make a face.

Coach: What kind of a face?

Bill Murray: Uh, a FUNNY face!

Coach: A funny face. Alright. Fight!

[ everyone repeats the chant ]

Coach: Okay, okay, okay! Alright, alright! Any more questions? [ Fran Takenton raises his hand ] Tark?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, Coach, if I blow a line or a word, uh, what do I do? Ignore it?

Coach: No, no, NOOO!!! [ he swats Tarkenton against a locker ] Gilda!

Gilda Radner: Uh — when you blow a line or a word, the blower of the line or word should acknowledge it and have fun with it!

Coach: Good! and, Jane, WHY do we have fun with it?

Jane Curtin: [ stands and shouts ] Because if WE don’t have fun with it, the AUDIENCE won’t have fun with it!! [ she initiates the group into their chant ]

Coach: Alright, alright, alright! Good! Uh — are there any other questions?

Fran Tarkenton: [ raises his hand ] Yeah.

Coach: Tark?

Fran Tarkenton: I forgot, uh… the first joke of my monologue!

Coach: [ stunned ] What? Are you clutching? Is that it? You’re telling me it’s true what they say about you, that Fran Tarkenton can’t win the Big One? Oh, boy… That you’re a loser? [ wraps his arm around Tarketon ] Fran, let me tell ya’ a story. A story about a… kid who, uh, played football in high school. His grades were pretty bad. But he played football. He played four years, and his grades got up. He went to the University of Illinois. Football scholarship, got good grades there. He played football there, then he went on to Harvard Law School, graduated and… went to Chicago to become a successful banker. That’s boy’s name… was Bob Buckley.

Fran Tarkenton: Who’s Bob Buckley, Coach?

Coach: A guy I went to high school with.

Voice: Hey, come on! [ the chant begins again ]

Coach: Alright!! Now, look — I can’t host the show for you! You’re gonna be out there hosting that show for yourself! You lose your head out there, out in front of those cameras, YOU are gonna make a fool out of yourself! Alright?! Okay, now look — [ he turns to a blackboard ] What do you do here? [ he points to the center of the board ]

Fran Tarkenton: I do my monologue.

Coach: Your monologue. Good! [ poits to an upper corner ] What do you do here?

Fran Tarkenton: My act.

Coach: Your act. Alright, good. [ points to the other corner ] What do you do here?

Fran Tarkenton: Well, I introduce Leo Sayer and Donny Harper and his singers.

Coach: Good! Now, look, Tark — just maintain your sense of humor. Just kind of laugh, have some fun with it! Stay loose! Stay in condition! Yuo know, that was what was wrong with Tony Orlando & Dawn — they didn’t stay IN CONDITION!! Okay? Laugh!

[ the cast begins their chant again ]

Coach: Everybody! Everybody! Let’s have some of them exercises — comedy cals! Okay! Take to the RIGHT!!

[ they all jerk their heads to the right ]

Coach: Take to the LEFT!!

[ they all jerk their heads to the left ]

Coach: Double-take, RIGHT!!

[ they all double-jerk their heads to the right ]

Coach: Double-take, LEFT!!

[ they all double-jerk their heads to the left ]

Coach: Okay! Right eyebrow, UP!!

[ they all lift their right eyebrows ]

Coach: Left eyebrow, UP!!

[ they all lift their left eyebrows ]

Coach: Both eyebrows, UP!!

[ they all lift both eyebrows ]

Coach: Okay, now MUG!!

[ they all mug their faces ]

Coach: Funny faces!! Mug!! Cross yor eyes!! Good! Good! Come on, MUG, Curtin, MUG!! Aykroyd!!

[ everyone is contorting their faces into ridiculous positions ]

Coach: Okay! Good, good, good, good!! [ everyone stops mugging ] Okay, we’re good and loose. Okay, let’s get together for a team prayer. Get down on one knee. [ everyone kneels upon one knee ] “Dear Lord… please give us the zaniness and courage these men need to make America laugh. Because America is the funniest nation in the world. Help them remember what their coach has told them, so that every man here will have learned something about himself. And please, Lord, help guide Fran Tarkenton… so that he will NOT humiliate himself… like he did… in the Superbowl.”

All: AMEN!!! AMEN!!!

[ everyone rises ]

Coach: GET OUT THERE!!!

All: HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!!

[ everyone runs out onto one of the main stages. They huddle together, then fling their arms into the air in a collective stance. ]

All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Before I begin my regular news broadcast tonight, I’d like to read you a letter. [ holds letter ] “Dear Jane Curtin: I certainly miss Chevy, he is real sexy. You can’t hold a candle to him. Would you please send me his photograph? Yours sincerely, Margie Kaufman.” [ puts letter down ] I’ve been getting letters about News Update lately with phrases like “Going Downhill”, “Not What It Used To Be”, and “Just Plain Boring.” Mostly the letters are about how Update isn’t as good as when that “sexy Chevy Chase” did it. The network says the ratings are slipping, and they’re putting a lot of pressure on Lorne to try somebody new, like that new kid Murray, or whatever his name is. You see, I just assumed it was responsible journalism you wanted, not sex. I gave you more credit than that. But I was wrong. What can I say, besides… “Try THESE on for size, Connie Chung!” [ she rips open her blouse and exposes her black bra ] If it’s raw news you want, it’s raw news you get!

Our top story tonight: following the Vatican declaration that women cannot becoem priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources report that Colonel Sanders has declared that he will not employ anyone that does not resemble a chicken.

Well, everybody talks about the weather, especially this cold winter, but many times they are inaccurate. A spokesperson for the Association of American Witches & Warlocks said today, “A witches’ breast is no colder than the average American woman’s breast.” More on this story as it develops.

Since Jimmy Carter has been in the White House, the telephone switchboards there have been jammed with 80,000 calls a day. Operators say that 1,000 are official business, and 79,000 are obscene phone calls traced to a phone booth in San Clemente, California.

In a shattering landmark ruling, the Swedish government has released this statement: [ Jane recites a corny Swedish ramble ]

The United States Army has announced that it has developed a cruise missile in retaliation to a similar weapon built by the Soviet Union. The Army is spending $2.6 billion for this missle that tracks down its target no matter where it is. “Weekend Update” was able to sneak its cameras into the testing site in the Nevada flats, and obtained this footage of the first trial launching of the cruise missile.

[ footage from an old silent film is played, as Jane narrates ]

There’s the launch, and a cruise missile is off! Ah, it spots its target. There it goes. There’s just no stopping this cruise missile, folks! $2.6 billion! In pursuit of its target. It’s a heat-seeking device, but always get its man, and, sometimes, its woman. $2.6 billion. Uh-huh. Look out. It’s the cruise missile.

[ end footage ]

Still To Come: Jimmy Carter likes Amy’s friends. After this message.

[ dissolve to “Community Appeal” ]

[ return from ad parody ]

Jane Curtin: Hi!

Former President Gerald Ford enjoyed a round of golf today near his Palm Springs home. When a reporter asked him whether he regrets not being the Chief Executive, Ford said, “I’m glad I’m not the Chief Executive, or the President, because then there would be two Presidents. I believe in the One-President System.”

In the wake of the phenomenal success of the TV production of “Roots”, based on Alex Haley’s bestseller, Mr. Haley has reportedly revealed a mistake in his research of his family origins. Instead of tracing himself back to an 18th century Kunte Kinte, Haley says he goes back only as far as the 1930’s vocal group The Inkspots. Haley has apologized to his publisher and to the American Broadcast Company, and, for some unknown reason, Shirley Temple Black. I don’t know why.

[ Jane playfully pulls back the collar of her blouse to reveal bare skin ]

“Weekend Update” would like to correct a mistake in one of our news items last week. In a profile of Mamie Eisenhower, we inadvertently reported that she once knocked out Floyd Patterson to win the Heavyweight crown. Well, we stand corrected!

Our final story tonight… I’m overwhelming you, aren’t I?

Despite the fact that this is the coldest winter in years, and that, with the chill factor, temperatures have been well below zero, the members of New York’s famed Polar Bear Club were not discouraged from taking an early morning swim today. Sixteen members entered the frigid waters off Coney Island this morning, clad only in bathing suits to prove that they could brave even the roughest of elements. One humorous note: all sixteen members froze to death.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Credit Card Counseling

Barbara…..Jane Curtin
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner

[ open in Barbara’s office at the credit card company ]

Barbara: Look, Miss Weiss, I’ll say it again – we would not be suspending your MasterBank card if you exercised better control over your spending.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, I am terribly sorry. I can’t tell you what an embarassment it is for me to be called in like this.

Barbara: Regardless, Miss Weiss, it seems to have happened. These records all show you were way over your credit limit, and the card must be suspended. They speak for themselves! Here, let’s look at your receipts..

Rhonda Weiss: [ reluctantly ] Alright.

Barbara: Now, this first one –

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, alright, it’s for the silk blouse I’m wearing.

Barbara: For which you paid $65.39.

Rhonda Weiss: On sale!

Barbara: You call that a sale? I got a silk blouse for $35 at Saks!

Rhonda Weiss: Well, I got a silk blouse for $20 at Bloomingdale’s, marked down twice.

Barbara: I once purchased a pure silk blouse for $10 at Bonnewitz, originally $99.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, I have, in my possession, a 100% silk blouse which was given to me by the head buyer at Gimball’s, for free.

Barbara: It so happens a friend of mine once paid me $10 to take a silk blouse off her hands when she was moving. You understand?

Rhonda Weiss: You actually made money getting a silk blouse?

Barbara: And it is so gorgeous, it’s to die for. To kill yourself from! You could take a bottle of aspirin, put a knife through your heart, a bullet through your head, and throw yourself out a window from this blouse!

Rhonda Weiss: Not to mention the $10.

Barbara: Exactly. [ looks through her papers ] Now, this receipt, from Sun Drugs for $25.95?

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, yeah. Now that’s for several things.

Barbara: For instance?

Rhonda Weiss: Well, uh, first of all, once a month –

Barbara: Oh, yes..

Rhonda Weiss: Well, all I can tell you is, on the first day I go through one every half-hour.

Barbara: On my first day, I go through two every fifteen minutes.

Rhonda Weiss: Plus, I get so bloated I cannot zip my pants. I mean, we are talking miss Blimp.

Barbara: Bloat? Bloat?! You want to talk from bloat?! I retain water like a reservoir! But even worse, I get so sore I cannot sleep on my stomach, you know what I’m saying!

Rhonda Weiss: Do I know what you’re saying? Listen, I’m just lucky if I can put on a blouse!

Barbara: And then, of course, there’s the cramp.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, don’t talk to me! I drop dead for 24 hours!

Barbara: Is that all? Mine last for a week, and they start the week before.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, when I get those, they start two weeks before, and go for a week after! We’re talking cramps for one entire month! I mean, one ends, and an hour later Miss Blimp drops dead!

Barbara: Well, that explains the drugstore. [ looks through her papers ] Now.. Li Pha Ho’s Restaurant, $15. you like Chinese food?

Rhonda Weiss: It’s my life!

Barbara: Well, I know where to get the best Chinese food in New York.

Rhonda Weiss: Where?

Barbara: The East Side. Wong’s. Very few people know about it.

Rhonda Weiss: Really? Well, I know where to get the best Chinese food in the country.

Barbara: Where?

Rhonda Weiss: Denver. Hong’s. Nobody knows about it!

Barbara: I know where to get the best Chinese food in the world.

Rhonda Weiss: Where?

Barbara: China. Even I don’t know about it! They blindfold you before you go in, so you don’t see the name. [ looks at Rhonda ] Oh, such cute earrings.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I got them from my brother. He’s a dentist and a jeweler.

Barbara: Really? My brother’s a doctor and a lawyer.

Rhonda Weiss: Really?

Barbara: And a furrier! When I had my accident, he examined me, defended me, and replaced my coat.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, my other brother is a dentist, a jeweler, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, and the owner of a Sweet and Low factory.

Barbara: Oh, how nice for you. Well, Miss Weiss, I think you understand we’ll be expecting a payment from you at the end of the month.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, look, could I have a little extension? I mean, I’m having my nails wrapped, and I’m not allowed to hold a pen for four weeks.

Barbara: Well, why don’t you use the penny nails? They’re wonderful! You can type!

Rhonda Weiss: Really?

Barbara: Yes! I typed all your warnings!

Rhonda Weiss: Where do you get ’em?

Barbara: At a little place downstairs, I’m going there in ten minutes.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, can I come along?

Barbara: Oh, Miss Weiss, I repaid you –

Barbara: Look, look, look.. I know a diet where you can lose 100 pounds in one hour.

Rhonda Weiss: [ giving in ] You can use my card.

Barbara: Thanks!

[ pan upwards to audience, zoom in on bored-looking man with SUPER: “Lost Interest at 11:31” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 26th, 1977

Steve Martin

The Kinks

Lily Tomlin

Buster Holmes

Cheryl Hardwick

Joe Dicso

Howard Shore

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Mitchell Laurance

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zwiebel
Steve’s Head TripSummary: The cast is dismayed to learn that Steve Martin has let his recent success go to his head.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: During his stand-up routine, Steve Martin gets happy feet and describes “getting small.”

Transcript

The Coneheads At HomeSummary: An IRS agent (Steve Martin) questions the Coneheads about their tax returns.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Transcript

Garrett Morris sings “Nur wer die Sehnsucht kennt”

Celebrity WeightliftingSummary: Jackie Onassis (Gilda Radner) is no match for Russian chanpion, Vasselai Alexev (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Jackie Onassis.

Transcript

The Kinks perform a medley of their hitsSummary: A medley consisting of “You Really Got Me Going”, “All Day And All of the Night”, “Well-Respected Man”, and “Lola” medley

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman reports from a dangerous military aircraft.

Transcript

Dr. Breadloaf’s Quick-Loss Diet BookSummary: Dr. Breadloaf (Gilda Radner) eats the pages of her book for quick nourishment.

Transcript

Broadway Baby

Pull The PlugSummary: A doctor (Steve Martin) advises that parents (Bill Murray, Jane Belushi) pull the plug on their comatose son (John Belushi).

Transcript

Buster Holmes’ RestaurantSummary: Buster Holmes shows off his New Orleans restaurant.

Hollywood BingoSummary: The introduction of a full card of celebrity guests takes up the game show’s full running time.

Recurring Characters: Farrah Fawcett, Vincent Price, Robert Blake, Sammy Davis, Jr., Sandy Duncan, Charo.

Transcript

From The Big Orange To The Big AppleSummary: Lily Tomlin takes her characters to New York City.

Roots IISummary: More oppressed ancestors of Alex Haley (Garrett Morris).

Transcript

The Kinks performs “Sleepwalker”

Singles BarSummary: At a singles bar, a man (Steve Martin) and a woman (Gilda Radner) learn they share odd traits.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts