For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 17
Goodnights
…..Jonah Hill
Jonah Hill: I would like to thank The Shins! I would like to thank Mr. Tom Hanks! I would like to thank “SNL”, Lorne Michaels, the cast, the writers, the crew! I would like to thank my parents, my friends up there, and I would like to thank Steven ?? We love you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 17
Jonah Hill’s Monologue
…..Jonah Hill
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Tom Hanks
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!
Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] Um — my name is Jonah Hill, and I am SO excited to be here! Uhhh… a lot of hosts say, “Hey! It’s been a great year for me!” [ he pauses ] But, really — it’s been a GREAT year for me! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! I was in a film I’m extremely proud of, called “Moneyball”. [ the audience whoops ] Thank you. And, yes, even though “The Artist” won Best Picture, I still think “Moneyball” was one of this year’s best TALKIES. I… can’t believe we’re back to using that term. But “C’est la vie!” as Jean Dujardin doesn’t say. Uh… now — [ he laughs ] honestly, one thing about my role in “Moneyball” was that I, myself, was nominated for the Academy Award. [ the audience whoos ] Uh… thank you very much. Christopher Plummer, uh, won for his amazing performance, but just being at the ceremony was an incredible honor. Plus: It was extra special, because my grandfather, Billy Crystal, was hosting.
Um… now that all the awards are over, though, I’m just happy to be back to my regular self. That’s why being here with all my best friends at “SNL” is so great. In fact, I had a camea crew follow me this week. Let’s take a look.
[ film begins with an exterior of “30 Rock, Monday Morning” ]
[ cut to interior, Andy Samberg walking through the “SNL” offices as Hill enters ]
Andy Samberg: Hey! Jonah! How are you?
Jonah Hill: Hey! [ he shakes Andy’s hand ] How you doing?
Andy Samberg: Good!
Jonah Hill: Uh… maybe you could get, like, a Diet Coke or something?
Andy Samberg: [ confused ] What?
Jonah Hill: I’m just a little parched from all the, uh, Red Carpet banter and Oscar nom stuff!
[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: People are… really excited I’m back.
[ return to Hill with Andy ]
Jonah Hill: Get that Diet coke, and we’ll see if there’s a tip in in for ya’!
Andy Samberg: [ fuming ] Okay… cool.
[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: I think after the Oscar nomination, some people were worried I would, maybe, take myself too seriously, uhhhh, but… [ backstage footage reveals Hill practicing martial arts moves ] I’m not fancy to let loose and have fun.
[ cut to “Wardrobe Department, Tuesday”, as Hill approaches Jay Pharaoh during a measurement ]
Jonah Hill: Yay? Yah?
Jay Pharoah: Um… Jay.
Jonah Hill: Jay.
Jay Pharoah: Yeah?
Jonah Hill: Uh… I’m having soem trouble… understanding my character. In your sketch? “Black Captain Jack Sparrow”?
Jay Pharoah: Yeah. You’re, like, in my entourage.
Jonah Hill: Okay. What does Captain Black Jack Sparrow sound like?
Jay Pharoah: [ in an exaggerated voice ] I mean, you know… sort of like this, right? Sort of like, ‘Mr. Gibbs, where are the ribs?'”
Jonah Hill: Why is he black?
Jay Pharoah: Uh… because I’m black?
Jonah Hill: [ as he walks away ] You’re good… you’re good.
Jay Pharoah: Thanks.
[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: “SNL”. I think it’s almost… modern-day kabuki! Uh… it’s wearing different masks.
[ cut to “Writer’s Offices, Wednesday”, as Bobby Moynihan chats with Nasim Pedrad ]
Bobby Moynihan: Am I crazy, or do his glasses keep getting smaller… and his scarves keep getting bigger?
[ reveal footage of Hill in smaller and smaller glasses with bigger and bigger scarves ]
[ cut to “Hair & Makeup, Thursday”, Hill sitting next to Kristen Wiig in make-up chairs ]
Jonah Hill: I feel so weird. [ Kristen gives him a funny look ] You know that feeling, like you were just nominated for an Oscar? [ she smiles knowingly ] What am I talking about? [ he laughs ] Of COURSE you don’t know that feeling!
Kristen Wiig: Actually, I was nominated. Remember? For Writing for Best Original Screenplay?
Jonah Hill: That is so cute! Was that before or after Visual Effects won?
Kristen Wiig: [ steamed ] Oh, yeah?! Well, congrats on losing to Christopher Plummer!
[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] Am I… am I… am I jealous of Christopher Plummer? [ he takes a moment ] No… no! I’m happy for him!
[ return to Hill arguing with Kristen ]
Jonah Hill: Whatever!
Kristen Wiig: Yeah!
Jonah Hill: Where’s your typewriter?!
Kristen Wiig: I don’t use a typewriter!
Jonah Hill: [ mocking ] You don’t?
Kristen Wiig: Noooo…
Jonah Hill: What do you use, a quill…?
Kristen Wiig: I use a computerrrrr…
Jonah Hill: Did you go to the Mac Store?”
Kristen Wiig: Yeah.
Jonah Hill: Were you, like, “Hi! Is there a Mac genius around? I need a screenwriting program, because I need to write this new screenplay… called…”
[ Kristen gives him the evil eye while waiting for him to finish ]
Jonah Hill: “I’m Dumb!”
[ cut to overhead shot of Hill walking across a set as Marika Sawyer reviews her notes ]
[ cut to Bobby Moynihan tolerating Hill in his office ]
[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: Um… as I’ve grown up and matured into, um… one of our finest actors, I think… I think… I’m going to have to move on from things like this.”
[ cut to Andy Samberg handing Hill a cup of Diet Coke, then running. Hill sips, then spits and tosses the cup of piss to the floor ]
[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: Oh, my gosh… what should I do tonight? [ he checks his watch ] Why don’t I call my buddy Brad Pitt up? I’ve go his phone number here, so… [ he dials on his cell phone ] I’m gonna put him on Speaker, give you guys a little thrill! [ Operator’s recorded voice announces the number cannot be connected ] Uh… uh… I’m not getting any… service in here…
[ footage ends; return to Home Base ]
Jonah Hill: Yeah. I, uh… should have watched that before we aired it. Look — I’m sorry if I got a little carried away with all this Oscar stuff. You know… I realize now that awards come and go, but… my friends are what’s most important.
[ Tom Hanks runs up on stage ]
Tom Hanks: BRAVO!! BRAVO!! That is a GREAT thing to hear, Jonah!
Jonah Hill: Tom Hanks!
[ the audience cheers wildly ]
Tom Hanks: I, uh, I just dropped by to see if anybody wants to talk about the Space program. Does… anybody?
Jonah Hill: Okay! [ he laughs ] Yeah! Okay!
Tom Hanks: No, no, no! I heard what you were just saying about the awards going to your head, and I can totally… relate. Now… after I won my second Academy Award in ’94 — Thank You! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Uh — I asked my wife to sleep on the couch, so that there would be enough room in my bed for my Oscars to spread out. I used to carry both of them around, you know. I’d asked people, “Hey! Do you want to meet the Kick-Ass Twins, huh? It’s Philadelphia! It’s Forrest Gump! Philadelphia! Forrest! Philly! Senor Forrest! Philly-Forrest!” But, anyway — uh, I stopped doing that a few days ago, and I really learned my lesson. And so have YOU! You have mastered… the role of a mature and caring man… and I would like you… to have this. [ he holds out one of his Oscars ]
Jonah Hill: One of your Oscars? Do you mean it?
Tom Hanks: Sure! Yeah, go ahead. [ Hill reaches for it, as Hanks pulls it away ] NO!! I’m just kidding! Jeez! Are you kidding? You LOST, man! You don’t get no Oscar! [ comforting his Oscar ] I’m sorry… I’m sorry I almost let that boy touch you. It’s okay… it’s okay… You’re back with Poppa now. It’s alright. [ he kisses his Oscar ]
Jonah Hill: Fair enough! Alright. Well, uh… Tom? Uh, you’re a legend, and I’m honored to be up here with you. Would you say it with me?
Tom Hanks: Absolutely!
Jonah Hill: We’ve got a great show for you tonight.
Tom Hanks: THE SHINS are here!
Jonah Hill: so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Hanks continues to hold his Oscar out of Hill’s reach ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 17
The Rush Limbaugh Show
Rush Limbaugh…..Taran Killam
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: He’s America’s most listened to talk show host!
Jingle: “Ruuuuush Limbaugh!”
[ dissolve to Rush Limbaugh broadcasting from his studio ]
Rush Limbaugh: Greetings, folks! You’re listening to Rush Limbaugh! Let’s get right to it! The left-wing femi-nazi liberal propaganda machine has been thrown into an absolute conniption fit… over some comments I made recently. I called a Georgetown law student a “slut” and a “prostitute”… and even though I apologized for my terminology… many of my sponsors have withdrawn their support! Including… the COWARDS over at AOL… the SLUTS at Turbo Tax… and the PROSTITUTES at the American Heart Association! But despite losing those and 89 other sponsors… I am NOT worried! Because I have new, BETTER sponsors! Great American companies, like:
[ reading ] “Sherman’s Imitation Mayonnaise. It might not be mayonnaise… but it IS a bargain.”
“The Syria Tourism Board. Ah! No! There’s nowhere to hide! Syria!”
And… “Barney’s Butt Crack Balm. For when your crack gets chapped!”
Many thanks to our new sponsors. See, folks? El Rushbo’s doing just fine — [ he looks off-camera ] What’s that? Okay, I’ve just been told that the SLUTS at Barney’s Butt Crack Balm have pulled their sponsorship. Don’t need ya’, Barney! ‘Cause I still got plenty of high-end sponsors! Like:
[ reading ] “Moist Books! Hey! Who left these books out in the rain? WE did! Moist Books.”
“The Mosquito Breeders of America. Ring-ring! More mosquitoes, please!”
And… “Depends for Racists! If you pee a little every time you see a MEXICAN… you need… Depends for Racists!”
Once again, we’re very grateful to all our new sponsors. Coming up in the next hour: More details on the Vince Foster murder — but! First! I’d like to thank my good friends AT:
[ reading ] “Loose Marshmallows! Hey! Want to grab a handful of loose marshmallows? Okay! Loose Marshmallows.”
And the patriots at… “Lee’s Pencil Dullers! ‘Ow! This pencil is TOO sharp!’ ‘Here — try this pencil duller!’ ‘What is it? A pencil duller!’ ‘What does it do?’ ‘What do you think? It dulls pencils!’ Fine, sure, give me one!'” [ he glances hopelessly off-camera ] “Lee’s Pencil Dullers!”
Also: “The healthy new snack: Misaki Dolphin Poppers! All the nutrients we need, ’cause dolphins are SO much like us! So start your day off right! With bits of dolphin in your mouth!”
And, finally: The great, great, great people at “Schroeder’s Fake Rape Whistles. Help is NOT on the way!”
So there you have it. Rush Limbaugh, STRONG as ever, NOT going anywhere! There could be a nuclear APOCALYPSE! And I would STILL be right here… calling the cockroaches SLUTS… and… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 17
Six Year Old
Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Evan Grossman…..Bill Hader
Su-Shin…..Fred Armisen
Debbie Wasserstein…..Vanessa Bayer
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on exterior, Benihana ]
[ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit opposite Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman. ]
Adam Grossman: Good evening, ladies! Are these seats free?
Woman 1: Yes, they are.
Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I’m Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman — age classified. Like Heidi Klum, my father is recently divorced; unlike Heidi Klum: EVERYTHING ELSE!
[ the two women smile enthusiastically ]
Woman 2: Nice to meet you.
Woman #1: What a cute little boy!
Adam Grossman: Cool your jets, sweetheart — it’ll never work between us! You’re a mature woman, and I’m this many: [ he holds out a full hand and one extra thumb ]
Evan Grossman: Don’t bother these nice ladies!
Su-Shin: [ starting his routine ] Good evening!
Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Su-Shin! I love your showmanship, but please be careful with those knives! You’re giving me flashbacks to my BRIS! I don’t know if I should clap, or cover my SCHMECKEL! I’m KIDDING, Su-Shin! Mazel Tov and Arregato to you!
Su-Shin: [ smiling ] How are you, Adam-son?
Adam Grossman: I’m hanging in there by a thread, Su-Shin! My father’s new girlfriend is joining us tonight! They me on-line! Based on what I read on my father’s J-Date profile, his hobbies include [ making quotation marks ] “stretching the truth”! He described himself as “outdoorsy”! [ he busts a gut laughing ] Hilarious! This is the man who has to pop a CLARITIN before he goes into the GARAGE! I’m kidding! Lighten up!
[ Debbie arrives ]
Debbie Wasserstein: Hello, Evan! [ she kisses him on the cheek ]
Evan Grossman: Hello, Debbie. That’s a very smart sweater.
Adam Grossman: Oooh-whoaaaaaa!! Did a hurricane of sexuality just burst in here, or did Debbie Wasserstein just enter the buildinggggg!
Evan Grossman: Adam.
Adam Grossman: You look LOVELY, Debbie! And that — ugh! — perfume! Let me guess: FROWN, by Calvin Klein!
[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]
Adam Grossman: Rimshot! But don’t laugh too hard, Su-Shin — I’ve seen your WIFE! [ to the ladies ] Su-Shin’s wife is so UGLY, their towels say “His” and “Its“!
Evan Grossman: Adam!
Adam Grossman: WHAT?! Su-Shin LOVES it, look at his face!
[ Su-Shin is cracking up ]
Adam Grossman: Say! I am THIRSTY! Who does a kid have to give a BLOW POP to, to get a DRINK around here?!
[ Waiter walks up ]
Waiter: Uh, good evening. Welcome to Benihana.
Adam Grossman: How are you, my man? Real talk: When I was 3, I cried every time I saw a black fella! I wasn’t racist, I just didn’t know how to PROCESS things! But now I’m 6… [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] and I’m hip to your plate! You are my BROTHER! [ in a Sammy Davis, Jr. voice ] “And I think this whole coo-coo thing you’re doing is fabulous!” Who knows who that was! It was Sammy Davis, Jr.! Anybody?! They don’t know! I don’t know! Who knows? I’m SIX!!
Waiter: Well, can I take your drink order?
Adam Grossman: Let’s do a round of sake bombs, my man! I’m JOKING! I’m SIX! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] But I do want to celebrate the fact that I swam the length of the pool without my floaties today! I just put my head down, remembered to breathe, and pretended Debbie was chasing me! [ Debbie frowns ] Here’s that million-dollar smi-illlle!
Evan Grossman: It is RUDE to talk about Debbie like that!
Adam Grossman: Alright! Alright! Then, let’s talk about what I found in your medicine cabinet: [ to the women ] VIAGRA! [ presumably, the woman frown from outside the camera angle ] Don’t look at me like that! I’m gonna snoop! I’m 6! [ finally reveal the women frowning ] I was just looking for a Flintstones Chewable to get me through a tough Wednesday, and I took a SCHWARTZ pill by accident! Let’s just say it made for an interesting day at Hebrew School. My DESK was a FOOT higher than everyone else’s! The torque kept sliding off of my lap! Everything was not kosher!
[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]
Adam Grossman: I’m SIX!! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] Su-Shin! Any chance, maybe I can eat before I’m SEVEN?!
Su-Shin: Pepper steak?
Adam Grossman: Thank you, Su-Shin, sweetheart!
Su-Shin: [ to Debbie ] Pepper steak?
Debbie Wasserstein: No, thank you.
Adam Grossman: Just because you put it in Debbie’s face doesn’t mean she’ll put it in her mouth! Dad knows!
Evan Grossman: [ outraged ] Adam!
Adam Grossman: Oh! All I’m saying is: I hope this bar has an elevator, ’cause that’s the only thing Debbie goes DOWN on! [ to the women ] If you think that joke is immature, it IS! So am I! I’m SIX!! [ he pushes his fingers and extra thumb towards the women ]
Evan Grossman: She makes me happy, Adam…
Adam Grossman: And that makes me happy! You’re my Dad! I love you more than anything! And, Debbie, she’s a mensch, and I love her, too!
Debbie Wasserstein: And I love you, Adam.
Adam Grossman: Your voice is so sexy, I can’t beleive my Dad has to take a pill! [ he rolls his eyes ] Well, I’ve had so many Shirley Temples… [ he cracks up ] I feel like she’s dancing on my bladder! Dad! Care to escort me to the bathroom?
Evan Grossman: You’re old enough to go on your own, Adam.
Adam Grossman: [ flabbergasted ] Do you not watch the NEWS?! There are strangers out there who want to grab my TOOKIS!
Evan Grossman: Okay, okay…
Adam Grossman: Besides, you’re my BEST FRIEND, and you can’t blame me for wanting to spend time with you! Hold my little boy hands!
[ Adam raises his arms, as Evan grabs his sons hands and exits with him to the bathroom ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
April 7th, 2012
Sofia Vergara
One Direction
None
Manolo Gonzalez
None Road to the White House
Summary: Campaigning around the country, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) appeases each group he speaks with, in a vain attempt to fit in with their cultural ideals.
Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Ann Romney.
Transcript
Montage
Sofia Vergara’s Monologue
Summary: Sofia Vergara talks about her roots in Columbia, introduces her son Manolo Gonzalez in the audience, and rolls words off her tongue that sound sexy with a Spanish accent.
Transcript
Just Friends Booty Shorts
Summary: Two guys (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg) want to make it clear that they are just friends, not gay lovers, so they wear the booty shorts that will set everyone straight.
Transcript
Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel
Summary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Drew Barrymore (Kristen Wiig), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Fran Drescher (Sofia Vergara).
Recurring Characters: Zooey Deschanel, Michael Cera, Drew Barrymore, Fran Drescher, Mayim Bialik, Joey Lawrence.
Almost Pizza
Summary: Dad (Bill Hader) questions the mysterious new pizza facsimile that Mom (Kristen Wiig) is trying to convince him to eat.
Transcript
News Promo
Summary: During a news promo shoot, traffic reporter Hope Hines (Fred Armisen) just can’t seem to grasp the concept of turning to face the camera.
Gilly
Summary: After disrupting Mrs. Roberts’ (Sofia Vergara) Sex Ed class, Gilly (Kristen Wiig) is told to imagine the consequences of her actions during her life’s final moments.
Recurring Characters: Gilly, Sam Jeffers, Liam, Paula.
One Direction performs “What Makes You Beautiful”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is not looking forward to spending the Easter holiday with his family.
Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.
The Manuel Ortiz Show
Summary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a woman (Sofia Vergara) is reunited with her birth mother (Kristen Wiig), who is also seeing her husband (Bill Hader) behind her back.
Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.
Lil Poundcake
Summary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.
Note: Repeat from 11b.
Watch What Happens: Live
Summary: Andy Cohen (Taran Killam).
Recurring Characters: Desmond Tutu.
One Direction performs “One Thing”
Pantene Commercial
Summary: While taping a commercial for Pantene, Sofia Vergara is given the easy words to pronounce, while co-star Penelope Cruz (Kate McKinnon) is given the tougher, multi-syllabic words to stumble through.
Transcript
74th Annual Hunger Games
Summary: While covering the Hunger Games, field reporter Maria Gutierrez (Sofia Vergara) loudly gives away the hiding places of the competitors.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Frozen PlanetSummary: Narrator (Sofia Vergara) documents the animals who live in the Arctic.
FloridaSummary: A pair of explorers (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg) discover the state of Florida.
The HorseSummary: A cowboy (Jason Sudeikis) encounters difficulty in getting off his high horse.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
Just Friends Booty Shorts
Barista…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Guy #2…..Andy Samberg
Clerk…..Nasim Pedrad
Gay Guy…..Taran Killam
[ open on two guys standing in line at coffee counter ]
Barista: Your Mint lattes. By the way — you guys are a really cute couple.
Guy #2: Uhhh…
Guy #1: Couple? No… [ he laughs ] No, no, no… uh… mmm-mmm.
[ cut to two guys at antique shop ]
Guy #1: Hey, check this out. It’s pretty cool. [ he opens a jewelry box ]
Clerk: It’s so nice to see couples antiquing.
Guy #1: [ exasperated ] We’re not a GAY couple!
Announcer: Tired of you and your straight friend being mistaken for a homosexual couple?
[ the two guys shake their heads ]
[ cut to the two guys jogging down the street, playfully swatting at one another as they run ]
Announcer: Set the record STRAIGHT… with Just Friends Booty Shorts.
[ reveal rear shot of the two guys jogging, with “Just” and “Friends” printed across both of their shorts ]
Announcer: The tight-fitting blend of lycra and spandex will make sure the message gets out LOUD AND CLEAR!
[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]
Jingle:
“Do me a favor
Don’t love me so much.”
Announcer: For the look that SCREAMS: “We’re available, ladies.”
[ the two guys run piggyback down the street, showing off for a trio of passing ladies ]
Jingle:
“You keep going in and out now
Messing with my mind.”
[ cut to the two guys hoppig on the back of a motorcycle, as the Barista watches. The motorcycle struggles to pull away, making it look like Guy #1 is giving it to Guy #2 in the rear. ]
[ cut to coffee shop, as Gay Guy approaches the two guys ]
Gay Guy: Well, hel-lo! [ he glances down and sees the “Just Friends” shorts ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I — [ he runs off, embarrassed ]
[ the two guys tip their cups triumphantly ]
Announcer: Available in both small… and tight.
[ cut to Guy #1 playfully shoving an extra-long hot dog into Guy #2’s mouth ]
Announcer: And if you really want to get the point across… try one of our “Not Gay” tanktops.
[ cut to the two guys in a bar, with “Not” and “Gay” written across their tanktops ]
Guy #1: [ as his cell phone rings ] I gotta take this. [ he answers ] Hello!
[ Guy #1 walks away, leaving Guy #2 alone at the bar in his “Gay” tanktop, which immediately attracts a couple of bears ]
[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]
Announcer: Just Friends Booty Shorts.
Guy #1: Because we’re TOTALLY straight! Well… usually!
Guy #2: [ laughing ] Oh, you!
[ they laugh and playfully punch one another ]
Guy #1: Come here, you!
[ Guy #1 pulls Guy #2 backwards and kisses him on the lips ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
Goodnights
…..Sofia Vergara
Sofia Vergara: Thank you SO much! One Direction — Thanks! Thank you, “SNL”, for having me, I had the BEST time! [ she blows a kiss ] Buenos noches, Columbia!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
74th Annual Hunger Games
Caesar Flickerman…..Bill Hader
Claudius Templesmith…..Fred Armisen
Maria Gutierrez…..Sofia Vergara
Thresh…..Jay Pharoah
Male Tribute…..Taran Killam
Female Tribute…..Nasim Pedrad
Peeta…..Andy Samberg
Katniss Everdeen…..Abby Elliott
[a golden seal reading “74th Annual Hunger Games” appears over a forest landscape]
Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the 74th Annual Hunger Games!
[Caesar Flickerman appears with blue hair, next to Claudius Templesmith with Beethoven hair and crazy eyebrows]
Caesar Flickerman: Welcome back to the 74th Hunger Games, this is Caesar Flickerman here with Claudius Templesmith–
Claudius Templesmith: Hiii.
Caesar Flickerman: Intense first day of competetion; already ten tributes have lost their young lives! [he grins wickedly]
Claudius Templesmith: Sad.
Caesar Flickerman: Now for a closer look at the carnage on the field, we turn to the newest member of our team, Miss Maria Gutierrez. Maria!
[cut to Maria with bright pink Effie Trinket hair and suit smiling in the forest]
Maria Gutierrez: Hi, you guys!
Caesar Flickerman: Maria, tell us what it’s like down there on the field.
Maria Gutierrez: It is a total blast! They should call it the Fun-ger Games, because everyone is having so much fun! [Thresh nervously leans into the shot wielding a knife]
Caesar Flickerman: Yeah. Maria, have you got to speak to any of the competitors?
Maria Gutierrez: Not yet, but I think that I see someone over there. [she sneaks over to a clump of bushes and smacks another male tribute on the shoulder; he startles, terrified] Hi! [she laughs] Ay, don’t be shy, come out from behind that bush. [she drags him in front of the camera] Let the people see you! So tell me, what’s been the most surprising thing about the Hunger Games?
Male Tribute: Well, that’s a good question. You know what’s been funny? I haven’t been that hungry–
[a female tribute leaps out of nowhere and attacks him with a knife]
Female Tribute: DIE!! [they fall to the ground]
Maria Gutierrez: Ay! Well, you know what that means! Wait for it! [she pauses excitedly and a cannon fires, signaling that a tribute has been killed] BOOM! HUNGER GAAAAAAMES! Back to you guys!
Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Please keep us posted. As a reminder, the Hunger Games are brought to you by Tylenol. [a Tylenol logo appears] Got a spear in your head? Tylenol!
Maria Gutierrez: Hey, you guys! I found another one. Look what this crazy kid did! He’s pretending to be moss! [she crouches down next to Peeta, who has unconvincingly disguised himself in leaf-printed clothing and is lying on a rock] Oh, and it looks like he’s got a huge cut in his leg, it’s really bad! [she laughs and pokes his leg and the tribute groans in pain]
Peeta: It hurts! I don’t wanna die!
Maria Gutierrez: Well, you’re in luck, ’cause it looks like you got a gift from a sponsor! [a silver container floats down on a parachute and the tribute grabs it]
Peeta: Oh, God! Is it medicine for my leg?
Maria Gutierrez: Let’s see! [he opens it and she gasps excitedly and pulls out a sandwich packet] Even better! It’s Uncrustables! From the good people at Smucker’s, all the fun of peanut butter and jelly without the crust! [looks back at the tribute, who has stopped moving] Ay, he died. [she cackles and stands up, shimmying her chest] HUNGER GAAAAAMES! YAAAAY! [the cannon fires]
Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria. That’s twelve tributes now brutally killed in just a few hours! [he grins]
Maria Gutierrez: You guys! Look at this! [cut back to Maria standing beside Katniss with a bow and arrow and a brown plait] It’s the woman of the hour — Katniss! Katniss, I love when you came out of that chariot, you were surrounded by the flames, but then you ruffled the dress and also flames!
Katniss Everdeen: [looking around anxiously and whispering] You need to shut your mouth!
Maria Gutierrez: [happily] Ay, Katniss, does Peeta know that you have a boyfriend back home? Ooooh…
Katniss Everdeen: Here, these berries are good, try these. [she puts poisonous berries into Maria’s hand and walks away]
Maria Gutierrez: She’s so sweet, she gave me berries! [she eats a handful] Very sour, but they’re good! [eats a few more] OK, I’m dying now. But I’m still hungry. [eats the rest] Hungry…for more HUNGER GAAAAAAAMES!
Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Coming up next, stay tuned for the Hunger Games Puppy Bowl! [a graphic appears of two puppies attacking each other with knives] Once more, we’re here at the Hunger Games!
Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Hunger Games!
Submitted by: Rose Esposito
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
Sofia Vergara’s Monologue
…..Sofia Vergara
…..Manolo Gonzalez
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sofia Vergara!
Sofia Vergara: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone! It is so wonderful to be here tonight hosting “La Noche de Sabado Vivo”! I have to thank ALL of you, because this is such a HUGE moment for me in my life. I never dreamed that I would be here in New York City. I came here all the way from a small town in Columbia called Barranquilla. Barranquilla is a Spanish word that means “Cleveland”.
I always heard that immigrants had a really hard life when they came to America. But when I showed up here, everyone was so nice. The men bought me drinks and offered me a place to sleep. This country welcomed me with open arms and pulled-down pants! And, also, I am so lucky to be part of the AMAZING cast of “Modern Family”. Growing up in Columbia, it was every girl’s dream to one day grow up… and marry Al Bundy.
I am also so proud to have my son Manolo with me here tonight. [ reveal her son in the audience ] Hi, Manolo!
Manolo Gonzalez: Hi, Mom! [ he waves ]
Sofia Vergara: I know what you’re all thinking. How can she have a son who’s that old? But he’s only five. South Americans develop very quickly. But then, they stay the same age FOREVER! Just look at my grandparents over there!
[ reveal young couple sitting next to her son ]
Sofia Vergara: Hola, Abuela!
And, finally… you may have noticed that I have a bit of an accent sometimes. I love it! This accent can make anything… sound sexy. Listen: [ sexily ] “Gon-a-rrrrrrhea!” [ she smiles ] “Reek San-torrrrrrum.” “New Jerrrrrr-sey.” “Mmm-hmmmmm… New Jerrrrrr-sey!” So, tonight, please forgive me if you cannot understand what I say. And I will forgive you for staring at my CHEST the whole night!
We have a great show for tonight! One Direction… is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
Pantene Commercial
Director…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Sofia Vergara
Penelope Cruz…..Kate McKinnon
Marker…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]
[ dissolve to interior set ]
Director: Oh, thank you so much for doing this, Sofia. Pantene is so happy to have you for this commercial.
Sofia Vergara: Of course, Jerry. I love Pantene and ALL of the shampoos!
Director: Oh! And, uh, here comes your co-star. This is Miss Penelope Cruz.
Penelope Cruz: Hello! Hello! Thank you for having me! I’m… [ mumbled ] Penelly Cruz. I’m ready to film the commercial, okay? Okay! And… action!
Director: [ laughing ] No, wait, wait, hold on, Penelope. Not quite yet. Uh, but I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re excited. Sofia, you know Penelope, right?
Sofia Vergara: Yes, of course! Penelope, I LOVE you! I’m a big fan! BIG FAN!
Penelope Cruz: You’re a fan of me, Penelope? I’m a fan of you, Sofia! Hello!
Director: Uh… okay. Alright, ladies, here’s what I’m gonna need you to do. You’re just going to have to sit on the couch, all you have to do is look as beautiful as you… both are. And hold these… these are the shampoos right there. [ he hands them each a bottle ] Now, you’re just gonna read your lines right of that teleprompter over there. [ he points ] Okay? It should be nice and easy. Alright? Here we go.
[ Marker steps forward ]
Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take One!
Director: And… ACTION!!
[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]
Sofia Vergara: We love… Pantene Shampoo.
Penelope Cruz: [ mumbles ] It’sh all natch-a-wow.
Sofia Vergara: So it’s got everything… our hair needs. Like… Aloe. [ SUPER: “Aloe” ]
Penelope Cruz: But without the things she doesn’t need, like… [ mumbled ] “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate.” [ SUPER: “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate” ] Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate. [ SUPER: “Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate” ] Selenium Sulfide. [ SUPER: “Selenium Sulfide” ] And… Tea… Duh-join-dee-dee [ SUPER: “Tea-Dodecylbenzene” ]
Sofia Vergara: And we like that!
Director: And… CUT!! Okay, great! Alright. Sofia — great job! Great job!
Sofia Vergara: Thank you, Jerry!
Director: Uh — Penelope?
Penelope Cruz: [ quickly ] Yes! I was also great! [ she smiles ]
Director: Uh… okay. Uh — actually, I was gonna say you’re kind of hard to understand.
Penelope Cruz: Okay. But it seemed that… maybe my words were harder. Just my words.
Director: I… don’t know…
Sofia Vergara: No! My words were hard, too. I had to say “Pantene”, and then I had to say “Hair”.
Director: Exactly. So, uh — okay, you know what? Let’s try starting with, maybe, an easier script, and then we’ll come back to this one later, okay?
Penelope Cruz: Okay.
Director: Uh, do we already have the new version on the teleprompter? [ he glances off-screen ] Yes, we do. Great! Here we go.
[ Marker steps forward ]
Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Two!
Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!
[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]
Sofia Vergara: My hair… is pretty. [ SUPER: “Pretty” ]
Penelope Cruz: And allow me to explain why. Pantene rejuvanates hair in all three stages of [ mumbling ] Fa-lip-it-ar de-vel-ip-ment… [ SUPER: “Follicular Development” ] The On-again Phase… [ SUPER: “Anagen” ] The Ca-ba-den Phase… [ SUPER: “Catagen” ] And the Tiv-i-den Phase. [ SUPER: “Telogen” ]
Sofia Vergara: It’s like magic. [ SUPER: “Magic” ]
Penelope Cruz: But it’s not magic. It’s complicated science. [ SUPER: “Science” ] Pantene revigorates the superficial [ mumbling ] Art-ear-ial special … [ SUPER: “Ateriovenous Plexus” ] by rejuvanating the [ mumbling ] Special… special”… [ SUPER: “Sebaceous Gland” ]
Sofia Vergara: And we like that. Yayyyyyy! [ SUPER: “Yay!” ]
Director: Alright! Cut! Cut! Let’s cut there. Alright. Ladies… ladies… great! I mean, EXCELLENT couch work, okay? And, Sofia — once again, amazing job!
Sofia Vergara: Thank you! I give myself… an A+!
Director: [ laughing ] Alright. Great. Penelope?
Penelope Cruz: I know, I know… but, Jerry — am I bananas, or were my lines, once again, way more complicated than Sofia’s?
Director: Um…
Sofia Vergara: Really? But I had to say the word “Yayyyyy!”
Director: Yeah. Yay. You know what, how about we make this a little easier? We’ll just put some basic hair-related words on the teleprompter over there, and, uh, then you can just take turns reading them, okay?
Penelope Cruz: So we just say ONE easy word at a time?
Director: Yeah, exactly.
Penelope Cruz: Okay!
[ Marker steps forward ]
Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Three!
Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!
[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]
Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Lush” ] Lush!
Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Filamentous Biomaterial” ] Feel-o-mentos Bio-menthen.
Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Glossy” ] Glossy!
Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Pheomelanin” ] Fay-o-men-a-mean.
Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Nice” ] Nice!
Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Phytomorphogenesis” ] Base-dee-dee-ded-o-bo…
Director: No! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, Penelope, it’s Phy-to-morph-o-gen-e-sis.
Penelope Cruz: Ray-fridger-ator!
Director: No! No, sweetie, listen to me. It’s not “Refrigerator”, okay? Say it with me: “Phyto.”
Penelope Cruz: Fido.
Director: Good. “Morpho.”
Penelope Cruz: Mor-fo!
Director: “Genesis!”
Penelope Cruz: Jeff Bridges!
Director: No… no… no…
Sofia Vergara: Jerry, let me help her. I know the word.
Director: Go ahead.
Sofia Vergara: Penelope. Listen… and I will help. Ray-fridge-orrrrr-atorrrrrr!
Director: Nope! No, Sofia, that’s wrong!
Penelope Cruz: “Lush”? It’s “Lush”?
Director: No! Okay, you know what? That’s fine. Okay. You know, I think I have a plan to make this work.
[ cut to the finished commercial, starting with the products in front of a water background, then dissolve to Sofia Vergara and Penelop Cruz on the couch ]
Sofia Vergara: Hair! Pretty!
[ as Penelope Cruz opens her mouth, an Announcer’s words spill out ]
Announcer: For more information about our product, visit www.pantene.com.
Sofia and Penelope: Yayyyyyy!!
[ fade ]