Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:


February 18th, 2012

Maya Rudolph

Sleigh Bells

None

Lorne Michaels

Paul Simon

Phil Hyms

Amy Poehler

Justin Timberlake

Bill O’Reilly

Kate Upton

None

New York Sports NowSummary: Dan Mardell (Bill Hader) and fellow sportscasters (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharaoh) all have Lin-sanity for Jeremy Lin, but Joe Dickson (Taran Killam) inadvertently makes racist jokes in his desperate attempts to fit in with his co-anchors.

Transcript

Montage

Maya Rudolph’s MonologueSummary: Maya Rudolph sings “Do You Wanna Funk” in regards to how much booty she got while she was a cast member.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with their show’s goofball boom mike operator (Justin Timberlake) and camera guy (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Maya Angelou’s: I Know Why the Caged Bird Laughs!Summary: Maya Angelou (Maya Rudolph) pulls childish pranks on celebrity friends Morgan Freeman (Jay Pharoah), Dr. Cornel West (Kenan Thompson) and Stephen King (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Maya Angelou, Morgan Freeman, Stephen King.

At Home with Beyonce and Jay-ZSummary: Beyonce (Maya Rudolph) and Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) welcome celebrity guests to their home to meet new daughter Blue Ivy.

Recurring Characters: Beyonce Knowles, Jay-Z, Prince, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Taylor Swift.

Transcript

Sleigh Bells perform “Comeback Kid”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to the Congressional birth control mandate debate that didn’t include any women.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Bill O’Reilly and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) during the President’s Day Special so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Super ShowcaseSummary: Game show contestant (Vanessa Bayer) loses out on a showcase, so wacky-voiced starlets Vonda (Kristen Wiig) and Shonda (Maya Rudolph) show her all the prizes she didn’t win.

The Obama ShowSummary: Michelle Obama’s (Maya Rudolph) obesity stance is presented as a “Cosby Show” spoof that finds President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) trying to sneak a hoagie behind the First-Lady’s back.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Sleigh Bells perform “End of the Line”

How’s He Doing?Summary: Black panelists (Jay Pharoah, Maya Rudolph) are willing to re-elect President Barack Obama no matter what offbeat scenarios are presented by the show’s host (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The VoiceSummary: During her audition, a contestant (Maya Rudolph) performs in many different voices and punches one of the judges for not choosing her.

Recurring Characters: Cee-Lo Green, Christina Aguilera.

AttorneysSummary: Oversexed female attorneys (Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen) try to seduce their make clients (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Jason Sudeikis).

Enchanted ForestSummary: While in the forest, Paul Giamatti (Andy Samberg) tries to engage plants and animals in conversation.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z

Jay-Z…..Jay Pharoah
Beyonce Knowles…..Maya Rudolph
Butler…..Andy Samberg
Prince…..Fred Armisen
LL Cool J…..Kenan Thompson
Nicki Minaj…..Nasim Pedrad
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam
Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Justin Vernon…..Justin Timberlake

[Exterior shot of Beyoncé and Jay’s mansion]

[Beyoncé rocks the baby and Jay stands next to her]

Jay-Z: Ha-ha-ha-ha, shyeah! I can’t believe it! The two most beautiful women in the world in one room: my wife Beyoncé and my little baby girl. [Beyoncé puts Blue Ivy in her crib] Blue Ivy, Hova Junior, ha-ha-ha YUP!

Beyoncé: Look at her, Jay, sleepin’ peacefully in her crib. It’s lined with one of Diana Ross’ finest wigs. [doorbell rings] Oh no! Our friends are coming to see the baby and I am such a mess. I’m only wearing this. [she whips off her kimono to reveal a stunning, sparkly silver dress]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Prince is here to see you.

Beyoncé: Thank you, White Butler. You may show him in.

White Butler: Actually, he’d prefer to enter from the kitchen.

[an organ plays as Prince enters dramatically from the kitchen door in a cloud of fog and saunters over to the crib]

Beyoncé: Pronce, thank you so much for coming.

Prince: All my love and congratulations. [he whispers in Beyoncé’s ear]

Beyoncé: Baby Blue Ivy, Uncle Pronce has brought you a present. He is going to whisper it in my ear. [he does] Baby, your present is a smirk.

Prince: [does a weird half-smile] Happy birthday. [he disappears behind the bassinet]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] LL Cool J is also here to pay his respects.

[LL Cool J enters in a tux and a hat]

LL Cool J: Beyoncé and Jay, such an honor to be present on such a special occasion. You can tell it’s special because I’m wearing my formal Kangol. So why don’t you tell me about the birth?

Beyoncé: [as piano music starts playing] It was perfect, LL. We were in the hospital, just me, my husband Jay, and Kanye. First my water broke, and I was like [singing note] Hahhhh… And then I went into labor, and I was like [musically] AY! AY! AY! And then the baby came out, and I was like [in a belting crescendo] OHHHHH–ooh! And asked my doctor… [to the tune of “If I Were A Boy”] “did I have a boy?” And he said “no, you had a single lady.”

Jay-Z: Yo, yeah, make yourself at home, LL. Y’know, there’s drinks in the kitchen: beer, wine, and soda! [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Nicki Minaj has arrived.

[Nicki enters in a blue tutu dress, a pink wig, angel wings, gloves and a strange cage around her head]

Nicki Minaj: Oh, hi, you guys!

Beyoncé: Hey, Nicki. We heard you wrote us a lullaby.

Nicki Minaj: Mmm, that’s right. This is from me to you, Blue. [an innocent-sounding twinkly song begins and Nicki dances as she sings] Hush little baby, don’t say a word, ’cause Mama’s gonna buy you a NIGHTMARE! [suddenly terrifying] ‘Cause there’s a DEMON, DEMON, DEMON near you, and Mama can’t help you now, baby Blue! [she strikes a scary pose]

Beyoncé: Nicki, please, you’re scarin’ him.

Nicki Minaj: Him? I thought Blue was a girl!

Beyoncé: No, I meant Prince. [pan over to show Prince crouching behind the crib, wide-eyed with fear]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Brad and Angelina are here as well. They…let themselves in.

[Brad and Angelina are standing by the kitchen]

Angelina Jolie: Hello, sweet peas.

Brad Pitt: It’s great to be here–very great. Dahh!

Angelina Jolie: My baby-sense was tingling, I felt the presence of a new baby in the world and I had to come see her. [she picks up Blue Ivy] She’s so beautiful. And so multi-cultural.

Brad Pitt: Honey, we’ve got six already! Bah.

Angelina Jolie: You’re right. Anyway, we just wanted to wish you the best. [she starts to leave, still holding the baby]

Beyoncé: Hey–uh, uh, Angelina? You still have my baby.

Angelina Jolie: Oh, right. My mistake. [she puts her back]

Brad Pitt: Sorry about that–tell your daughter to call our daughter when she’s older, we’ll make a SUPER-baby! DAHH! Bye. [they leave]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Now Taylor Swift is here.

[Taylor Swift enters, covering her mouth in excitement and looking awed]

Beyoncé: Taylor, we are so honored to have you in our home.

[Taylor points at the baby in wordless glee]

Jay-Z: Yeah, um…Taylor? Um…

[Taylor walks slowly away, still looking excited, and they look after her, confused]

Jay-Z: Wow, she was surprised. [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] And we have one last guest. Bon Iver.

[Bon Iver enters in a tweed jacket holding a guitar]

Bon Iver: [looking bored] Sorry I’m late…uh…whatever. Uh…I was just wandering barefoot in the woods of Wisconsin, and I fashioned this guitar out of a canoe, and I wrote a song for your baby.

Beyoncé: But Bon Iver, we were just about to put our baby to sleep.

Bon Iver: Trust me, this’ll help. [he begins playing the guitar and singing in a falsetto voice] Somewhere a baby falls asleep, it’s Blue Ivy…her parents are Beyoncé and Jay-Z… [incoherently] baaaaabylavolverthereiswheelgravy…

Beyoncé: What is he saying?

Bon Iver: [singing] Chugglewuggledonbeamuggle…

Jay-Z: Did he just say “don’t be a Muggle”?!

Beyoncé: I don’t know, but White Butler’s really into it.

[White Butler is jamming along to the music over by the door. Bon Iver’s singing trails off into nothing and he closes his eyes]

Beyoncé: Oh no! Bon Iver put himself to sleep! [he sleeps standing up with his mouth open, still idly strumming the guitar]

Jay-Z: OK, um, let’s just put him in the guest bedroom.

Beyoncé: OK. Sleep tight, Bon Iver. [Jay and White Butler carry Bon Iver out of the room]

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

How’s He Doing?

Host…..Kenan Thompson
Ronny Williams…..Jay Pharoah
Althea Davis…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on talk show panel ]

Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” THe show where the Black voter takes a look at President Obama and asks: “How’s he doing?” Let’s start with a look at how the President is polling. Some good news for the President, as an uptake in the economy has boosted his approval rating to 50% amongst all voters. But some disappointing news, as his approval with black voters is down… all the way to 99.2%. Now, are black voters disillusioned, or just upset because it’s Winter? To hep us answer the question “Should the President be worried about the Black voter?”, we turn to our non-partisan panel. Ronny Williams is a writer for Ebony Magazine…

Ronny Williams: What up!

Host: And Althea Davis a History professor at Howard University.

Althea Davis: [ pumping fist ] Yes, we can!

Host: Alright! Alright! So President Obama, he promised a lot in his campaign, and we have to admit he has not delivered on all of them.

Ronny Williams: That’s true.

Althea Davis: He did, indeed.

Host: Unemployment is high and the income-gap is as large as it’s ever been in our nation’s history.

Althea Davis: Unacceptable!

Ronny Williams: True… true…

Host: So the question is: “Would you consider voting for Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum?”

[ they all laugh uproariously at the thought ]

Ronny Williams: I mean… can you imagine voting for Rick Santorum? The only way someone in a sweater-vest is getting my vote… is if their names are Bell, Biv, or Devo!

Althea Davis: And I do NOT like Mitt Romney. He looks like, at any moment, he might try to hand you a tip.

Host: Which brings us to this week’s “What Would It Take???”, where we ask: “What would it take for Barack Obama to lose your vote?” [ grabs stack of cards and reads ] “Would President Obama lose your vote… if he repealed healthcare?”

Ronny Williams: [ shaking head ] Nope.

Althea Davis: I would just wear a warmer coat.

Host: “Would he lose your vote if he raised taxes on the Middle Class?”

Ronny Williams: We all gotta pitch in!

Althea Davis: I frequently use our public roads AND facilities.

Host: “Would President Obama lose your vote if he was caught cheating on Michelle?”

Ronny Williams: Nope! Ain’t my business!

Althea Davis: It depends on who he’s cheating with.

Host: Jennifer Hudson.

Althea Davis: [ she shrugs ] I’m okay with that.

Host: Jennifer Lopez.

Althea Davis: You can’t blame a man.

Host: Kim Kardashian.

Althea Davis: He ain’t Super Man. He’s just a president.

Host: Oprah!

Althea Davis: I’d get with Oprah.

Host: [ stealthily ] Ke$ha!

Althea Davis: Ke$ha?! No sir! I would be very upset if Barack was with that busted-up white girl! Now… is this just a one-time thing?

Host: No, no, no — he is in love… with Ke$ha.

Althea Davis: [ shaking her head ] Mmm-mmm! I do not like it, but I am okay with it as long as he does’nt move in with her.

Host: He moves in and they have a joint bank account.

Althea Davis: Oooooh, no! No, no, no! [ she shakes her head ]

Host: Does he still have your vote?

Althea Davis: [ a beat ] He does.

Host: Moving on! Alright… “President Obama does an in-studio appearance on Hot 97. On his way out of the studio, he witnesses a fight that ends in gunfire…”

Ronny Williams: [ he shrugs ] It happens.

Host: But, hold on now. “The cops ask Obama who started it, and… he tells them.”

Ronny Williams: [ confused ] So he was snitching?!

Host: He was SNITCHING!

Ronny Williams: Ohhhh, my lord, Barack! What you DOING?!

Host: Wait, wait. I’m not even done. “Mitt Romney also sees the fight… don’t say nothin’.”

Ronny Williams: You know, I respect that — I do. But I can’t vote for Mitt Romney. He looks like the bad guy in every blaxploitation movie.

Althea Davis: I see him, and I’m like, “Look out, Dolemite!”

Ronny Williams: Barack’s still got my vote.

Host: Alright. Okay. Okay. Alright. “President Obama shuts down the Apollo!”

Ronny Williams: Must be renovating.

Althea Davis: They need to redo those floors.

Host: Very well! Next one! “After a thorough investigation, President Obama is arrested for the 1996 shooting of Tupac Shakur! Does he lose your vote?”

[ the panel gives this some serious thought ]

Ronny Williams: Look — it pains me to say this, it really does… but it’s a well-known fact that Tupac had a mouth on him.

Althea Davis: He had a temper, no question.

Host: Okay! And, finally, as always, we end with reminisces about the night Obama was elected.

[ “The Night Obama Was Elected” card appears ]

Ronny Williams: Mmm!

Althea Davis: Whooooo! My lord!

Host: You remember it? Even WHITE people celebrated! I saw ’em! Hugging each other and drinking champagne!

Ronny Williams: You know what I did? I went outside and breakdanced for three days straight!

Host: I kissed a police dog in the mouth!

Althea Davis: I had an open house for a week. I wasn’t selling my house — I just kept it open! People could just come and go as they pleased, I just stood in the middle of the living room like this: [ she stretches her arms out ]

Host: Alright, well, we’ll take a quick break. When we come back: Who do YOU think killed Nicole Brown Simpson? [ he gives an ominous look ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 7


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11g: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Gov. Jon Huntsman
…..Kermit the Frog

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Two new polls show that Newt Gingrich has gained ground in recent days, and has now passed Mitt Romney. It’s surprising, because if there’s one thing I assumed Gingrich would be bad at… it’s catching up with people.

It was reported this week that Newt Gingrich received consulting fees between $1.6 and $1.8 million from mortgage lenders Freddie Mac, who many conservatives blame for the crash of the economy. C’mon, Newt, a Republican who supported Freddie Mac has as much chance of getting elected as a Democrat who extended the Bush tax cuts, kept Guantanamo open, or took money from Wall Street, or… [ he sees President Barack Obama’s photo ] You know what, Newt? I don’t know, I’m not gonna count you out yet.

Herman Cain, this week, became the first Republican Presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection, after he filed a request with the Department of Homeland Security. Because it’s dangerous out there for Cain: you never know when some lunatic might walk right up out of the crowd and ask him a question.

During an interview this week, Herman Cain froze for nearly a minute when he was asked a question about Libya. Apparently, he couldn’t remember if Libya was the blonde or the brunette.

This week, police and protestors clashed after Mayor Bloomberg ordered that Zuccotti Park be cleared. And for those of you who have it TIVO’d, I won’t spoil who won the fight between the guys armed with riot shields and batons and the guys armed with bongos and trail mix.”

Seth Meyers: Election season is heating up, with the first of the nation’s New Hampshire primary only eight weeks away. One candidate focusing on New Hampshire is former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, who, this week, made his 100th appearance in the state. Here to comment on how his campaign is going — Gov. Jon Huntsman. [ the audience cheers him on ] Uh — it’s great to have you, Governor.

Jon Huntsman: Thanks for having me, Seth.

Seth Meyers: You know, I’d like to start with something you never get to hear in the debates: Gov. Huntsman, the first question is for you. Isn’t it true that, nationally, you’re currently polling in the low single digits?

Jon Huntsman: It is true, Seth. But only a few months ago, I was polling at “margin of error”. So to have any digital — at all — is a pretty big deal.

Seth Meyers: Alright. I’d say that’s a pretty positive attitude.

Jon Huntsman: I’m a positive guy, Seth, and I feel really positive about the future of this country.

Seth Meyers: Now, you seem to be putting all of your eggs in one basket in New Hampshire. Are you worried you might alienate the rest of the country?

Jon Huntsman: Seth… I love all of America. From Dallas, Texas… to Manchester, New Hampshire. From the majestic Rocky Mountains to New Hampshire’s scenic Lake Winnipesaukee. From the innovation of Silicon Valley to the affordable outlet malls in North Conway, New Hampshire.

Seth Meyers: Yeahhhh. I can’t help but notice you keep mentioning places from New Hampshire.

Jon Huntsman: Well… it’s not on purpose, Seth. I would never tie myself to one state. I like to spread my wings and fly, like the purple finch.

Seth Meyers: Which is, of course, the state bird of New Hampshire?

Jon Huntsman: You know a lot about New Hampshire, Seth.

Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire!

Jon Huntsman: Well… that makes sense. Because you’re kind and good-looking — classic New Hampshire!

Seth Meyers: Governor Huntsman, as a product of New Hampshire, I can tell you that we do not fall for easy compliments.

Jon Huntsman: That’s because you are as wise as a Dartmouth professor.

Seth Meyers: Alright! You know, you can’t just Wikipedia your way to the White House, okay?

Jon Huntsman: Fair enough, Seth. In that case, I just hope that the good people of yours and every state will listen to what I say in the upcoming debates. I think they’ll like it.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you so much for coming.

Jon Huntsman: [ coolly ] Are your parents registered voters?

Seth Meyers: Uh — my Mom’s a Democrat, and my father’s an Independent.

Jon Huntsman: Say “Hi” to your dad for me.

Seth Meyers: Alright. Gov. Jon Huntsman, everyone!

The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute is recommending that children be tested for high cholesterol before they reach puberty. The test is simple: You just ask the child their name and if they can’t answer because their mouth is full of bacon, they have high cholesterol.

Religious leaders in Saudi Arabia are warning women with “tempting eyes” that they must cover them up or face punishment — a warning that doesn’t really concern Salimah. [ reveal phot of Saudi women with one eye larger than the other ]

In hopes of finding a new source of revenue, North Korea, this week, opened its borders to limited tour groups. However, tourists cannot bring mobile devices, they must restrict their movement, and have to avoid even the most casual contact with daily life. Also, you gotta be cool with getting kidnapped forever. You gotta be cool with that!

A man in New York State, who was wearing a T-shirt reading “I’m a Drunk”, was arrested for driving while intoxicated after he crashed into a police car. So score one for judging books by their cover!

A school in Canada has banned all game balls, including soccer balls and baseballs, because the principal thinks they’re causing too many injuries. The safety-minded principal also asked that the custodian install a hinge in the see-saw.

A man in New Hampshire was charged with reckless conduct, after his gun went off while he was cleaning it and the bullet struck his wife. Whether he’s convicted or not, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of being reminded about “that time you shot me! Do you remember that? So, yeah, I don’t think I spent too much for that purse… because of the time you shot me.”

According to a new report, male spiders sometimes “pay” for mating, with bits of flower, cotton, and ant husks. However, a sizeable chunk of those payments end up going to Ramon. [ reveal photo of pimped-out spider ]

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Congress rejected new USDA guidelines for school lunches, that would have increased the amount of fresh vegetables and fruit in cafeterias, and instead declared that the tomato paste on pizza qualified it as a vegetable. These new nutritional standards bring us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Kermit”.

Kermit the Frog: Thank you! Thank you, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Are you ready? I am ready!

Seth Meyers: Really? Yes!

Seth Meyers: Really, Congress? Now cafeteria pizza qualifies as a vegetable? Cafeteria pizza barely qualifies as a pizza! It has the same nutritional value as the tray it’s served on. And if pizza’s a vegetable now, what’s broccoli — penicillin? I mean, REALLY!?! If pizza is a vegetable, what’s a fruit salad — Twizzlers and a grape soda? Really!?!

Seth Meyers: Really!?! And just wait — it won’t be long before eating French fries will count as taking French! Really! You know, maybe we should just change the National Anthem to the Hot Pockets jingle. I mean, Really!?!

Seth Meyers: Really!?! And, really, for what it’s worth, tomato paste makes up only 31% of the tomato sauce. The other ingredients include: potassium sorbate, citric acid, and tri-calcium phosphate. That’s not a vegetable, that’s a Chemistry quiz! I mean… REALLY!?!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, Congress: Do you not think childhood obesity is a problem? 1 out of 5 four-year olds in this country are obese! On Halloween, a kid came to my door dressed as a pirate — I thought he as supposed to be Dom DeLuise! Really! Kids are FAT! If you don’t believe me, go down to your local playground and count the number of broken swings! Oh, yeah…

Seth Meyers: Those puppies are going down left and right! Yes, and have you been down to the town pool? Those aren’t swimsuits, those are SAUSAGE CASINGS! Really? I’m really gonna be in trouble for that one later…

Seth Meyers: Why? [ it hits him ] Oh! Right! And really, Congress? I mean, it’s your JOB to look out for children, you know?

Seth Meyers: But you didn’t. No.

Seth Meyers: Worst of all, food companies spent over $5 million lobbying against tighter nutritional restrictions, which means, in this case, Congress was nothing more than a PUPPET to the food industry! [ to Kermit ] No offense. Oh, that’s okay — I’m not a puppet, I’m a Muppet!

Seth Meyers: Oh? What’s the difference? Uh, well, a puppet is actually controlled by a person, whereas I am an actual talking frog.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Yeah.

Seth Meyers: Really? Really!

Seth Meyers: Huh!

Announcer: [ over title card ] This has been Really!?! with Seth and Kermit”.

Warner Brothers has announced that it is starting production on a Legos movie — but good luck finishing it without this. [ he holds up a long Lego block ]

IHOP, this week, opened a new version of their restaurant called IHOP Express, that is now self-service and an interactive syrup bar. This is great news for anyone who loves eating at IHOP, but hates putting up with all the pageantry.

A man in California, who was high on crystal meth, was arrested after he killed and ate a wild bobcat. Which is a shame, because, up to that point, it had been a lovely bar-mitzvah.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night! [ he throws the Lego block at the camera ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 3rd, 2011

Steve Buscemi

The Black Keys

None

Maya Rudolph

None

Emily Spivey

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) lists all the people and institutions who are actually more powerful than he is.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Buscemi’s MonologueSummary: Steve Buscemi tackles questions from audience members who work as stereotypical character actors but would like to evolve their craft into lead roles.

Transcript

Frozen Mexican DinnerSummary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody had been cut from multiple dress rehearsals throughout the season.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) welcomes fellow pothead Jeff (Steve Buscemi) to the show, until Billy Ray Cyrus (Jason Sudeikis) brings in Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) to perform an intervention.

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Whitney Houston.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Commissioner Jim Gordon (Steve Buscemi) is repeatedly flustered by Batman’s (Andy Samberg) unannounced appearances in his personal affairs.

Transcript

DatelineSummary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) revels in the misery of the Mystery of the Chopped Up Guy.

Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.

Coach BertSummary: Central University’s Head Coach (Jason Sudeikis) makes it clear that basketball coach Bert (Steve Buscemi) is not a pedophile, but it’s hardly a ringing endorsement.

Transcript

The Black Keys perform “Lonely Boy”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) announces that he’s suspending his presidential campaign and makes excuses for his marital indiscretions. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) gives advice on how to deal with family members during the holidays.

Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.

SurpriseSummary: Playskool manager (Steve Buscemi) wants to surprise Sandra (Vanessa Bayer) with a promotion, but can co-worker Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?

Recurring Characters: Sue.

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex IntensiveSummary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex to help couples spice up their marriage in the bedroom and in the kitchen.

Recurring Characters: “Sex” Ed Vincent.

Transcript

The Black Keys perform “Gold On The Ceiling”

OrnamentsSummary: A man (Steve Buscemi) shows off his favorite Christmas ornaments, while ditZy Sheila (Kristen Wiig) decorates the tree.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From Newt GingrichSummary: Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) addresses his sudden, unexpected lead in the primary polls.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

TVLandSummary: Technical errors ruin the production of a TVLand presentation.

Love CultSummary: A hideous man (Steve Buscemi) encounters only rejection when he joins a love cult.

SleepoverSummary: A little girl’s (Bobby Moynihan) sleepover has disastrous results.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Coach Bert

Larry Stevens…..Jason Sudeikis
Coach Bert…..Steve Buscemi
Male Reporter…..Bobby Moynihan
District Attorney Ed Markham…..Taran Killam
Female Reporter…..Nasim Pedrad
Agent Dauz…..Kenan Thompson
Brent Harrison…..Bill Hader
Darius bogart…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on gym exterior ]

[ dissolve to press conference setting ]

Larry Stevens: Alright, now. Okay, hey — Good afternoon. I’m Larry Stevens, and I’ve been Head coach here at Central University for the last 22 years. And I wish we had called you here today to talk about last night’s win… and I hope we can get back to talking hoops real soon. Uh, with the recent abuse scandals — first at Penn State, now at Syracuse — it was imperative to me that we made sure that NOTHING like that was going on right here at our program in Central. And I don’t think I’m alone in saying the FIRST person who popped into my head as a potential sexual predator was Coach Bert!

[ cut to Coach Bert, frowning, now angry ]

Coach Bert: What?!

Larry Stevens: Now… now, let’s be honest — Coach Bert has all the tall-tale signs of a sexual predator. I mean, he’s anti-social, he lives with his mom, he’s never had a girlfriend. I mean, he’s a genius with the X’s and O’s, but an absolute zero when it comes to human interaction.

Coach Bert: [ offended ] What the hell, Larry?! I’m sitting right here!

Larry Stevens: Alright, alright… [ continuing ] But I am happy to say that after a FULL investigation, we have found NO evidence — and I mean NONE! — that Coach Bert is a pedophile.

[ the press express their doubts to one another ]

Larry Stevens: [ laughing ] Hey, I know! I was as surprised as you all! But he’s not. He’s not a pedophile. Alright? Now, I’m taking questions. Go ahead.

Male Reporter: Can you share the details of the investigation?

Larry Stevens: Well, for that… I’ll turn it over to the District Attorney — Ed Markham. Ed?

[ Coach Bert’s eyes grow wide ]

Coach Bert: DISTRICT ATTORNEY?!!

District Attorney: Thank you. Uh — we don’t usually undertake cases where there are no witnesses, no evidence, and no allegations. But, then we saw a picture of coach Bert… and, well, we jumped into action.

Coach Bert: [ outraged ] Is it the MOUSTACHE?! Because I can SHAVE the moustache!

District Attorney: We obtained a warrant to search his computer… but found nothing to lead us to believe that he is desirous of young boys or young girls or sex of any kind. What we found instead, were eleven completed novels about a character named “Bert Man”, who is very strong and… [ checking his notes ] “has a million friends.”

Coach Bert: You’re not supposed to read those! They’re not finished!

District Attorney: They were DEFINITELY finished.

Female Reporter: So, I’m sorry — we’re supposed to be satisfied because you checked his computer?

District Attorney: No, we also set up 24-hour surveillance, and for that, I turn it over to Agent Dauz.

Agent Dauz: [ reading from his files ] “November 29th, 9 a.m.: Coach Bert wakes up and goes to the bathroom — sitting down. He does NOT wash his hands.” “November 29th, 9:09 a.m.: Coach Bert goes to kitchen and makes himself breakfast — at NO point washing his hands.”

Coach Bert: How long is this going to take?!

District Attorney: Let’s wrap this up, Dauz.

Agent Dauz: We were on him for a week. He never molested anyone. And he never washed his hands. [ he attacks Coach Bert physically ] YOU DISGUSTING!!

Coach Bert: I used Curel!

Agent Dauz: LIAR!!

District Attorney: Alright. [ he pushes Agent Dauz away ]

Male Reporter: Isn’t there a chance that coach Bert was “tipped off” to the investigation, and suspendedhis pedophilia for a week

District Attorney: Uh, for that, I turn it over to Brent Harrison, who is the President of the local chapter of NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy love Association.

Brent Harrison: [ grinning ] Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello! Let me start by saying it’s great to be back in a school! Yeeess! Yes, yes, yes! I’m here today to say at no point in the past ten years have we ever been approached by Coach Bert.

Coach Bert: Of course not!!

Brent Harrison: Nor, had he approached us, would we have accepted his membership. He is, quite simply, NOT the face we want on our pedophilia organization!

[ the press applauds the statement ]

Coach Bert: [ incredulous ] You’re clapping for him?! Don’t clap for him!

Female Reporter: So that’s it? We’re just supposed to accept that Coach Bert is not a pedophile?

Larry Stevens: Well, now, guys, I know — it was real hard for us to accept it, too. You know? That’s why we set up a STING operation with a local high schooler — Darius Bogart. Darius? [ as Darius steps up ] Hey — way to play last Friday.

Darius Bogart: Thank you, Brother! [ to the press ] Uh — hello. I’m Darius Bogart. And, with the help of the District Attorney’s office and Coach Bert’s mom —

Coach Bert: [ stunned ] My mom HELPED?!

Darius Bogart: I stopped by Coach’s house and recorded this conversation:

[ the District Attorney holds up a recording device and presses Play ]

Voice of Coach Bert: Hey, Darius.

Voice of Darius Bogart: I want to thank you for helping me at basketball camp, and I just want you to know that I would do anything to thank you.

Voice of Coach Bert: Anything?

Voice of Darius Bogart: Anything.

Voice of Coach Bert: We-ell… I’d love to get your thoughts on my demos. [ he sings, as electronic keyboard music plays ] “I am the Bert Man, I have a million friends. / I am the Bert Man, let’s name all my friends. / Brett Favre, is my friend. / Chewbacca, is my friend…”

[ Agent Dauz bounces his head along to the tune, as the District Attoreny turns it off ]

Darius Bogart: Look, it goes on like that for about an hour. He never >molested me, but at times… I would have preferred it if he had.

Coach Bert: Not cool, Darius!

Larry Stevens: Alright, alright, okay. Thank you, Darius. Alright, now, I hope we can, you know, start putting this behind us and start the healing process. Oh, also, uh — you’re gonna see a lot of these fliers around campus everywhere. [ he holds up a flier of Coach Bert’s photo that reads: “Did This Man molest You? Yes. Maybe.” ] Go ahead and ignore these. There’s a lot of ’em, but just go ahead and ignore them, please.

Coach Bert: Oh, man!

Larry Stevens: Hey — let’s beat State Tuesday, okay?

[ the room applauds wildly ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Goodnights

…..Steve Buscemi

Steve Buscemi: Thanks to the Black Keys! Maya Rudolph! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! This amazing cast and the amazing crew! We hope you feel better, Frank. Thank you SO MUCH!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Steve Buscemi’s Monologue

…..Steve Buscemi
Roz…..Abby Elliott
Chance…..Kenan Thompson
Tex…..Bill Hader
Judge…..Jay Pharoah
Granny…..Nasim Pedrad
Jock…..Andy Samberg
Drunk…..Bobby Moynihan
Horror Girl…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Buscemi!

Steve Buscemi: Thank you! Thank you very much! I am really very excited to be here! It’s been a few years since I’ve hosted “Saturday Night Live”, and in that time… I’ve done a lot of movies, a little directing, but, best of all, I got to be the LEAD on HBO’s “Boardwalk Empire”. [ the audience cheers ] A series that follows the seedy underworld of 1920’s Atlantic City. It’s hard to believe, but, back then, Jersey Shore was home to some pretty disgusting people. The success I’ve had with “Boardwalk Empire” is kind of special for me. You see, for a long time I played supporting characters — like the creepy bellhop… the creepy homeless guy… or the creepy creepy guy. Even though I love those roles, I’m excited that I made the leap from character actor to LEAD actor.

[ cut to woman in the audience holding shopping bags ]

Roz: Uh — excuse me?

Steve Buscemi: Yes?

Roz: Hi! I’m Roz. I’m a character actress.

Steve Buscemi: Oh. Well, what characters do you play?

Roz: Well, actually, I only play the clumsy best friend in romantic comedies. How can I get a lead role like you?

Steve Buscemi: That’s a good question, Roz. It’s hard to get lead roles.

Roz: Gosh! Of course! Duh! Come on, Roz! This is why I’m single! [ suddenly, she loses her footing and flails wildly to the floor ]

Steve Buscemi: Is she okay?

Chance: Oh, she’ll be fine! She just needs to get a twinkle pack!

Steve Buscemi: Have me wet?

Chance: No, but folks call me Chance! I always play the magical African-American character in films. Yeah, I give the pretty white guy ad-vice. But now I want to be the lead!

Steve Buscemi: Oh. That’s interesting. What kind of project would you be the lead in?

Chance: Well, it would be a show where I chew a straw! [ he chews on his straw ] And chuckle to myself! [ he chuckles ] Yeah — and give people ad-vice. As soon as the ad-vice works, however, I disappear! [ he lowers himself from camera view, though still within frame ]

Steve Buscemi: Uhhh — I can still see you. Alright, look — I’m glad you’re all particpating and excited, but —

Tex: Yeah, I’m excited! I’m Tex! And I always play the guy in war movies you just KNOW is gonna die! Can you help me get a lead role?

Steve Buscemi: Probably not, Tex.

Tex: You want to see a picture of my girl? I kep it right under my grenade pin. Uh, here you go… [ he fidgets with his grenade ]

Steve Buscemi: Stop, stop, Tex! We don’t need to see the picture.

Judge: [ waving a gavel ] I’ll allow the photo, Counselor!

Steve Buscemi: Who are you?

Judge: I’m a sassy female judge from many a legal thriller. I can’t stand nonsense in my courtroom… but I will allow it.

Steve Buscemi: Ma’am? I appreciate it, but everyone could stop jumping up, okay?

Dude: Heyyyy, Bro! [ a beat ] Yuo take care of her.

Steve Buscemi: What’s your whole deal?

Dude: I’m the dude who loses his girlfriend in a movie but tells the new guy: “Hey, Bro! You take care of her.”

Steve Buscemi: Okay, I’m sorry you lost your girl…

Granny: Oh, yeah! If you want someone to get freaky with, I’ll knock boots, Player!

Steve Buscemi: Ohhh… you’re that Granny character, who says dirty and/or hip-hop things.

Granny: Oh! You got me straight-tripping, whoo!

Steve Buscemi: Okay, look — I’m hosting right now, so here’s what we have to do —

Drunk: I know what we have to do! VEGAS!

Steve Buscemi: I am NOT going to Las Vegas! Any other ideas?

Drunk: Ummmm — [ she shakes his head ] Vegas?

Steve Buscemi: Okay. I’ll give everyone advice, but then we move on. If you learn your lines, work hard, cross your fingers… maybe — just maybe — you’ll get to be a leading actor.

Horror Girl: Steve! [ wielding a rubber knife ] I’m the helpless girl from horror movies who can’t find her friends! [ flailing wildly ] STEVE!! Steve, where are you?! I can’t see anything!!

Steve Buscemi: I’m behind you. Hold the knife steady! You’re holding it like a hair dryer.

Horror Girl: Who’s there?! Steve! Steve, this isn’t funny! Steve!

Steve Buscemi: I’m right here! Uh, we’ve got a great show! The Black Keys are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening! I hope you all had a safe and happy Thanksgiving, and enjoyed your shopping on Black Friday. Now, for two years I’ve been hearing nothing except how consumer confidence is in the toilet, then all of a sudden I see that THOUSANDS of you are at Wal-Mart pepper-spraying each other for an X-Box. Which is it?!

For the past few mnoths, I’ve been working hard to turn our economy around. In September, I gave a speech to a joint session of Congress urging them to pass the American Jobs Act, my comprensive plan to get people back to work. Remember that speech? [ he smirks ] Nope? In the end, that speech got me two things: Jack and Squat. Also, I recently learned that the Supreme Court will rule on the constitutionality of my Healthcare Reform bill, and it’s possible they may kill it. That’s right: Take my signature piece of legislation into a quiet room and shoot it in the back of the head like Joe pesci in “Goodfellas”.

But I’m not angry — I’m actually past angry, because I’ve learned a lot in the last couple of years. I used to think that being president meant you had a lot of power. But now I know it’s more of a ceremonial position, a majestic figurehead whose main duties are shaking the hands of this year’s WNBA champions, and nodding and smiling when Chinese dignitaries ask if they can touch your hair. In fact, there are a lot of myths out there about who has power in this country, and I want to clear those up — tonight!

[ he stands before a chart ]

Now, this chart illustrates how we were taught our government worked in grade school. Remember this We have three branches: Legislative… Judicial… and mine, the Executive. All sharing power equally. But that’s not how it is.

[ he removes the chart to reveal a series of slides ]

This chart shows how our country actually works today. Okay? I’ll go from the most powerful institution to the least. And let me tell you — the presidency is not even in the top five.

Okay. [ he pulls the first slide ] First: Congress. Do they do anything? NO! But, because of them, no one else can, either. They’re like Hotel California. My legislation checks in, but it can never leave. And bcause of that, they’re Number One.

Number Two: [ he pulls slide ] Grover Norquist, who got 276 Republicans and 3 Democrats to sign a pledge that they will NEVER raise taxes under ANY circumstances. WOW! I tried to get some Democrats to pledge to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies from my daughter Malia, and all I got was one “Maybe” from Nancy Pelosi. Come on! The Thin Mints are very refreshing. [ he smiles ]

Next: [ he pulls slide ] Oprah. I know she doesn’t have a show any more, but there’s still 150 million out there who, because of Oprah, have an unread Toni Morrison book on their shelves. And they proudly tell their co-workers that they believe in angels. You think I can do that? I still have to ask our driver to pull up to the White House because michelle won’t get her hair wet. She’s a proud Black woman, what can I do?

Four: [ he pulls slide ] NFL. Now, this may sound silly, but I promise you: If this address were to interrupt a game, tey wouldn’t even carry it. Even if the Cardinals were playing the Jaguars. Come on. Tell me I’m wrong. Also: How many of you out there have a Fantasy Congress League? [ he cracks himself up ] Thanks for that joke, Joe Biden!

[ he pulls slide ] Next is Mark Zuckerberg. Now, if you’re skeptical, consider this: In 2008, I had to beg to get 69 million votes. Meanwhile, 800 million of you have given this man photos of yourself drunk at a Christmas party wearing a giant Cat in the Hat hat.

Six: [ he pulls slide ] Supreme Court.

[he pulls next slide ] After that, it’s a tie between George Soros and the Kock Brothers. I know they would love to be lumped together.

[ he pulls next slide ] Eight: Pixar.

[ he pulls next slide ] Nine: Tyler Perry.

Ten: [ he pulls slide ] Verizon customer service.

[ he pulls next slide ] And, finally: Me, the president. [ he pulls next slide ] Barely above Pippa Middleton… [ he pulls the last slide ] and the Kia Gerbils.

See? I may not have all the power I used to, but… I still have more than all the Republican candidates combined. And I still get to say: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Ornaments

Male Sheila…..Steve Buscemi
Sheila…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christmas setting, Male Sheila seated before the tree holding a box of ornaments on his lap ]

Male Sheila: Oh. Hello. Well, it’s that time of year again — time to unpack the ol’ Christmas ornaments. Let’s see what we’ve got. [ he pulls out an ornament ] This one’s a little reindeer wearing a hat. It’s cute as heck! At least, I think so. Sheila, would you hang this, please?

[ reveal Sheila standing before the tree in a long, bright yellow robe ]

Sheila: [ smiling emptily ] Okay, well…

Male Sheila: This is, uh, a little Santa Claus in sunglasses. When I saw this, I was, like, “Santa’s on va-cay!” Okay? [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Here’s a little ski man. I tried to return this one because it only has one ski pole… but when I went back, the store had blown up. [ he hands it to Sheila ] You look very good tonight, Sheila.

Sheila: [ dumbly ] I know.

Male Sheila: She’s great. [ he holds up the next ornament ] Now, this is a little snowman. Ow! he bit me! I’m fully kidding. [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s just a candy cane. Alright? [ he hands it to Sheila, then grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck are you doing? [ Sheila stares at the tree ] You can’t hang all the ornaments in one spot!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] I know.

Male Sheila: Oh, wow! This one’s from my very first Christmas. [ he holds up the ornmament, dated “2008” ] 2008. [ he shrugs ] I just never heard of it! It never came up! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little computer. [ he touches the keys ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little pine cone. [ he touches the pine cone ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Alright, quick — name this baby! If you said Larry… you’re close. It’s Jesus. [ he turns to Sheila ] Oh, no, Sheila! What are you doing?

[ Sheila is placing the ornaments along the window ]

Sheila: You said spread ’em out. [ she tosses an ornament to the floor ]

Male Sheila: This broad is trying to gaslight me. [ he pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little igloo. I wouldn’t want to live in there. Just kidding. I’d like to own any home. [ he pulls up an ornament from under his chair ] This one’s been up my butt. Not just a little bit — all the way. [ he turns to Sheila and grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck? [ the tree is gone ] Where’s the tree?!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] It’s not here.

Male Sheila: [ he sighs ] Ohhhh, Sheila. [ an egg nog is handed to him ] Ooooh! Egg nog margarita! Well, ’tis the season! Merry Christmas, Sheila.

Sheila: Merry Christmas, Sheila.

[ they toast their glasses ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Happy Holidays from Sheila and Sheila.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts