Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

The Calculator

Dad….Bill Hader
Mom….Casey Wilson
Glenn….Andy Samberg
Twin 1….Fred Armisen
Twin 2….John Malkovich

(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)

Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.

Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.

Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.

Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.

(They share a hearty laugh)

Mom: Now, where are the twins?

Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.

Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.

Dad: Tell me about it.

(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)

Mom: Merry Christmas boys.

Twin 1: Ma.

Twin 2: Ma.

Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?

Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?

Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.

Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?

Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!

Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.

Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?

Twin 2: Square roots!

Twin 1: Lighting speed.

Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.

Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?

Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.

Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!

Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?

Glenn: I´ll do it.

Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma…

Both twins: Ma!

Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?

Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.

Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!

Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!

Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?

Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!

Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?

Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.

Dad: All right, here we go.

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!

Twin 1: Calculator!

Twin 2: Calculator!

Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.

Glenn: Aw, man…

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.

Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!

Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.

Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)

Mom: Awww…

Twin 1: Ma, ma…can we open up our presents now?

Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.

(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)

Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.

Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.

Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.

Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.

Mom: Why don´t you just open it?

(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)

Both Twins: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!

Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this…a calculator!!

Twin 1: Oh, my God!!

Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!

(Twins sit back down)

Twin 2: A calculator!

Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)…we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!

Twin 2: Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)

Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Its ours!

Twin 2: Take a picture of this!

Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.

Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.

Dad: They certainly are.

Twin 1: Umm, do…umm, 89 X 56.

(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)

Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!

Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.

Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)

Twin 1: All right, look.

Both Twins: WHOOOOOAAAHHHH!!!!! WHOOOO!!!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(FADE)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

A Message from the Secretary of State Designate

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on interior, government office. A politician sits at the desk with their back and chair turned to obscure their identity. ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Secretary of State designate, Hillary Clinton.

[ Hillary Clinton turns around, a mischievous grin on her face ]

Hillary Clinton: You thought I was goooone, didn’t you! [ the audience cheers, as Poehler waves to her fans ] Hello! I’m Hillary Clinton, and I am SO excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true! I so look forward to doing whatever Barack Obama ask of me in this difficult time. And, let’s be honest: it is a difficult time. In fact, one could say there has never been a worse time in our nation’s history to step into the presidency. Boo-hoo!

Seriously, would you rather fix the economy, or travel the globe? Point: Hillary! [ she laughs ] I think Barack Obama deserves the chance to fix our problems, and, should he fail to fix them, I guess by using his amazing charisma, or whatever… I will be there to lend my considerable experience. Because in today’s global economy, one could argue there’s no job more essential than Secretary of State. But the question isn’t “Is my new job better than being President?” Or “Is it better than being a senator from New York?” The question is: “Is my new job better than being Governor of Alaska?” [ she smiles smugly ] And the answer is: “Yes!” [ she beams ] “Yes, it is!” But I do want to take a moment… to reflect on Sarah Palin and her historic campaign. MOM IT UP!! BEST OF LUCK TO YA’!!

While I’m excited about the opportunities ahead, I also have a heavy heart. My appointment means that I will be leaving my post as New York’s Junior Senator. It has been such an honor to serve you, the citizens of my home state of New York. [ she chuckles loudly ] Oh, who am I kidding? This is NOT my home state! It NEVER was my home state! [ fast-paced ] Pack up the house in Chappaqua, Bill! What’s that? We never unpacked? Even better! [ she laughs ]

Bill Clinton’s Voice: Did somebody say my name?

[ Bill Clinton enters the frame, much to Hillary’s disappointment ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello, Bill. Hi.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Bill Clinton: I just want to say how happy we are… to be back in your lives, America. You voted for change… but you ain’t never gonna change this! [ he grasps Hillary’s shoulder ]

Hillary Clinton: We Clintons are here to stay! You may think we’re down, but, like the South, vampires, and Britney Spears… we will rise again!

Bill Clinton: You can complain about us all you want, but we’re gonna keep saying what we’ve been saying for sixteen years.

Hillary Clinton: Bill?

Bill Clinton: After you, Madame Secretary.

Hillary Clinton: “Live! From New York!”

Together: “It’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

Goodnights

…..John Malkovich

John Malkovich: [ subdued ] Listen — thanks to T.I., abnd thanks to this cast and crew here, who make this the greatest gig in show business. And, thanks, all of you. Thank you very much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

J’accuzzi

Himself/Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont…..John Malkovich
Madame Marie de Tourvel…..Kristen Wiig
Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil…..Michaela Watkins
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny…..Andy Samberg

[ open on scrolling still imaes of John Malkovich ]

Announcer: John Malkovich. One of the greatest actors of stage and screen, is returning to Broadway to reprise one of his most famous roles: ??, from the 1988 film “Dangerous Liasions”. Except, this time, all the seduction, lust, and deception takes place in a hot tub.

[ dissolve to theatrical poster ]

Announcer: Don’t miss John Malkovich, in… “J’accuzi”.

[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Madame Marie de Tourvel lounging a jaccuzzi ]

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: You see, within a week I shall have concluded my business.

Madame Marie de Tourvel: I see.

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Even so… [ he reaches across to her in the hot, steaming waters ] I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring myself to leave.

Madame Marie de Tourvel: Oh, please! [ she pushes him aside ] You must!

[ she attempts to swim away from de Valmont and climb out of the jaccuzzi, but he stops her ]

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Are you still so… anxious to be rid of me?

Madame Marie de Tourvel: You know the answer to that.

[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]

John Malkovich: “J’accuzzi” is, for me, a… re-imagining of the “Dangerous Liasons” story — and, by “re-imagining”, I mean scenes from the movie, but… this time they take place in a hot tub.

[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil lounging a jaccuzzi ]

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Now! Yes, or no! It’s up to you, of course. I will merely confine myself to remarking that a NO will be regarded as a declaration of war! A single word is ALL that’s required!

Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil: Alright. War! [ she whips out a fan from below the water and begins to fan herself ]

[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]

John Malkovich: If you loved Glenn Close in the original… please call her and tell her that she should be in this production. The girl we have playing her part is not very good. None of the actors are. You would think people would want to work with an actor of my caliber, but it turns out the hot tub is a real deal-breaker.

[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont engaged in a swordfight duel with Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny, who promptly slays de Valmont to his final death ]

Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Fetch the surgeon!

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Will you do me one final request?

Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Of course.

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Take… [ he holds up a stack of wet letters ] these letters. [ and, at that, he drowns beneath the water’s surface ]

[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]

John Malkovich: I know what you’re thinking. I thought up with the title, “J’accuzzi”, first, and then worked backwards to come up with the play. Well… congratulations, geniuses! You caught me! And, the point is, if you want to see me dressed as a French aristocrat, in a hot tub, without getting to know me socially… come see “J’accuzzi”!

[ dissolve to John Malkovich and the cast taking their bows while submerged in the jaccuzzi ]

Announcer: “J’accuzzi”. Now playing at the Wintergarden Theater. Tickets still available — all of them.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

John Malkovich’s Monologue

…..John Malkovich

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Malkovich!

John Malkovich: Thank youuuuu! Thank you, thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is my third time hosting, but my first time at Christmas… and I… think it’s very clear that no one has more Christmas spirit than me. Uhhh — I mean, look at me! I’m FILLED with Christmas cheer. So the powers that be asked me if I might be willing to spread a little joy. So I am going to read a holiday classic: “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”.

[ a fireplace set is quickly assembled behind Malkovich ]

[ Malkovich sits in a chair and dons a Santa Clause hat as a group of children surround him on the floor below ]

John Malkovich: Now… I’ve invited all the children of the people who work here up on the stage, for this… moment. This will be our Christmas present to all of you.

[ he opens the book and reads ]

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”

[ Malkovich removes his Santa’s head and scratches his pate ]

Itchy, itchy, itchy!

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

“The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
In the hopes that Saint Nicholas would soon be there.”

[ aside ] Now, you know what they say about hopes — they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.

[ the children stare at Malkovich with bare expressions ]

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

“The children were nestled, snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.”

Now, here’s a question: True or False. During the holiday season, the suicide rate increases significantly. [ the children don’t answer ] Right? Well, you get back to me on that.

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

“When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.”

You — you know that the state of California has a home invasion law, where it’s actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence? And I’m telling you — I mean, perfectly legal. Did you know that? [ no response ] Well… it’s true!

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

“Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a luster of midday to the objects below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.”

Now, did you know… that it is estimated that Santa’s sleigh weighs 353 thousand tons. So… traveling at 650 miles per second would create such an enormous friction, that Samta and his reindeers would burst into flames. You understand? Like the meteor entering the atmosphere. [ he leans in ] This is a scientific fact.

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

“With a little old driver, so lively and so quick,
I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick.”

You know, in Portugal, they don’t actually call him Saint Nick. His name is Pai Natal. And, unless children leave him a stick of butter, he steals one of their toes. [ the children are quiet ] It is rather terrifying. Oh, by the way — [ he reaches for a candy dish ] If any of you guys are in the mood for a treat, here’s a bowl of Hall’s Mentholyptus. No? Okay. [ he puts the dish away ] Suit yourselves. When I was a child, we used to suck on pennies. You know what I’m saying? And it was a delight. [ he flips through the pages of the book ] You know… I’m getting a sense that not many of you are enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this assumption? [ the kids remain silent ] Okay. Well, anyway… kids, let’s put it this way: you have rendered all of this… useless. Okay? I’ll just skip to the end.

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

“But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

So… Merry Christmas, children. You know what? Pai Natal is coming, and he is going to feast on all your toes! [ to the audience ] Well! That went better than I thought. We’ve got a great show. T.I. is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

Cool Obama

Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on series of cool fonts ]

[ SUPER: “and now… Barack Obama” ]

[ Barack Obama steps toward chair within dark setting ]

Barack Obama: Hello. I’m Barack Obama. [ he sits ] For the past few weeks, my transition team and I have been in Chicago laying the groundwork for my presidency. One thing has become clear: no matter the circumstances, I… amd gonna keep cool.

[ SUPER: “COOL” ]

[ background breaks into shades of blue-colored squares ]

Barack Obama: Examples? Let’s take Hillary Clinton. You remember her? She ran against me in the Democratic primary, and told superdelegates I couldn’t win in a general election. Hey, she brought up William Ayres before anyone. Did I exact political revenge? [ pause for coolness ] Nope. I brought her in. Why? Because… I keep it cool.

[ SUPER: “COOL” ]

[ cut to 5 boxy split-screen images, two of the boxes filled with poses of Obama ]

Barack Obama: [ scat ]
“I take my kids to school
I don’t lose my… temper
It’s my only rule
I keep it cool!”

[ cut to split-level blue-toned background ]

Barack Obama: And what about… Joe Lieberman? There’s a character. Supported John McCain. Even spoke at the Republican convention. And what did I do with Joe Lieberman? Did I strip him of his chairmanship, make him a pariah in his own party? [ coolly ] Nooooo, sir. I said let’s keep Joe close. Why? Because if given a choice… I choose cool.

[ SUPER: “COOL” ]

[ Barack Obama steps toward chair within two-toned purple background ]

Barack Obama: And, then… there’s John McCain. Mmm mmm mmm. It would have been easy to turn my back on John McCain. But I didn’t. I sat down with him, and we announced we were gonna work together to take on the critical challenges facing this nation. So, why did I do it? I think you know the answer to that. I keep it cool.

[ SUPER: “COOL” ]

[ cut to 5 boxy split-screen images, two of the boxes filled with poses of Obama and one of just his shoes ]

Barack Obama: [ scat ]
“I never played the fool
Don’t like pol-i-tics as u-su-al
I keep it cool!”

[ cut to close-up of Obama on black background ]

Barack Obama: When I accomplish a mission, there isn’t going to be a banner. I’m just gonna do this: [ he stares coolly at the camera and nods ]

[ SUPER: “Barack Obama” ]

Announcer: This has been a message from President-Elect… Barack Obama ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express

Virgania Horsen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside a post office ]

Virgania Horsen: Do you hate the post office? The long lines? The rude employees? The danger of terrorism?

[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting on a pony in front of a green-screen image of a meadow ]

Virgania Horsen: Well, hey — why not give me your mail? I’ll deliver it!

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.

[ cut to images of Virgania on the horse jmp-cutting to the center of the screen ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, horsie! Just give me your mail, and tell me where you want it to go!

[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen bouncing around on horseback ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!! We offer express mail!

[ cut to Virginia sitting on horsebak holding a stick and carrot in front of the pony’s face ]

Virgania Horsen: Looks like this mail’s gonna get there early.

[ cut to Virgania eating the carrot ]

Virgania Horsen: Or extra slow!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a UPS truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Yeah, right! No thanks!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a FedEx truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Bad ideas! Terrorists can stop that!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a US mail truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Don’t trust it!

[ cut to green-screen image of Virgania horsen on a baseball field, batting a parcel of mail into a mailbox on the next green-screen ]

Virgania Horsen: Home run!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting horseback in front of the green-screen ]

Virgania Horsen: If you want to ride a horse with me, that’s fine, too. There’s plenty of room!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing next to her horse in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a mailman in the invisible split-screen ]

Mailman: [ deep=voiced ] Hello, ma’am! Would you be able to help me deliver these letters to my mother for me?

Virgania Horsen: No problem! Right away!

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Also, would it be okay if I rode on that horse with you?

Virgania Horsen: That’d be just fine!

[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ]

[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback ]

Virgania Horsen: With horses, you don’t need stamps. [ she swats an image of a stamp away ] You need stermps! [ reveal image of Virgania giving the thumbs-up on a stamp ] Which are stamps, but larger.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback, riding down a street and tossing mail ]

[ cut to Virgania Horsen addressing camera ]

Virgania Horsen: Just send whatever you want delivered to:

Virgania Horsen
PO BOX 56425
Bloomington, ND

I’ll deliver for you!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing by a river in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a lumberjack in the invisible split-screen ]

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Hey! Can you deliver this toaster to California?

Virgania Horsen: No problem!

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] And this letter, too?

Virgania Horsen: I think I can handle it!

[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ]

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of the meadow ]

Virgania Horsen: Come ride with me!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jorma Taccone
…..Molly Sims
…..Jamie Lynn-Sigler
…..Justin Timberlake

[ANDY SAMBERG and MOLLY SIMS make eye contact in a nightclub.]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Locked eyes from across the room”
“Down my drink while the rythem booms”
“Take your hand and skip the names”
“No need here for the silly games”

[Andy and Molly are dancing in the club]

“Make our way through the smoke and crowd”
“Love is on the sky and I’m in your cloud”
“We move in close as the lasers fly”
“Our bodies touch and the angels cry”

[Andy and Molly are making out in a hallway]

“We leave this place and go back to yours”
“Our lips first touch outside your door”
“It the whole night we’ve got in store”
“Whisper in my ear that you want some more”

“And that’s when I jizz in my pants”
I won’t apologize that’s just absurd
“I’m not at fault for the way that you dance”
“And that’s when I jizz in my pants”

“Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say that you’re a slut”
“It was your fault that you were rubbing my butt”
I’m very sensative so I’ll say that’s a plus”
“Now I’ll go home and change.”

[JORMA TACCONE strolls through a grocery store.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“I need a few things from the grocery”
“A few things that come alone mostly”
“Left my heart broken not looking for love”

[Akiva Schaffer’s spinning LP’s on a turntable in the grocery store. JAMIELYNN-SIGLER checks out Jorma’s items at the register.]

“I had a suprise in my eyes when I looked above”
“At the checkout counter I saw her face”
“My heart stood still in time and space”
“Never thought I could be real again”

“The look in her eyes said ‘I need a friend'”
“She turned to me and that’s when I said it”
“Looked me dead in the face, asked ‘cash or credit'”
“And that’s when I jizzed in my pants”

“Don’t look there’s like there’s anything wrong with me”
“Though were going to need a clean-up on Aisle 3”

[The janitor, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, grimaces.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“Don’t look like you’re not impressed”
“To be fair you were flirting a lot”
“And the way you bag cans I was bubbling a knot”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

Jorma Taconne: [singing]
“One more frown and I’m going to pay with check”

[Andy leaves a movie theater.]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Last week I saw a film”
“As I recall it was a horror film”
“Walked outside into the rain”
“Checked my phone and saw you rang”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Jorma’s driving a convertible on the Upper West Side.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“Driving down the street, red lights flashing”
“Need to get away, need to make a dash”
“A song comes on that reminds me of you”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Today my alarm goes off”

[Andy wakes up from bed.]

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Jorma opens a window.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“Open ed my window and a breeze rolls in”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Andy’s watching TV on his futon.]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“At the end of SIXTH SENSE”
“When Bruce Willis was dead”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Jorma holds a vine of grapes.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“I just ate a grape”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”
“Jizzed in my pants”

[Andy and Jorma are performing outside.]

Andy Samberg: Alright guys, can we…

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“I jizz my pants all the time”
“When you’re right next to me”
“And when were holding hands”
“It’s like you’re having sex with me”

“You say I’m premature”
“And I say it’s just like esctasy”
“And when it comes around”
“I feel it’s just a neccessity”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]
“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Andy, Jorma, and Justin rap over and over on the chorus.]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
Show´s Director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte
Vinny´s Son….Bobby Moynihan
Chef Boyar G´s….Kenan Thompson, Andy Samberg
John Malkovich

(Opens with Italy´s RAI TV logo)

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

Vinny Vedecci: Regazze, regazze. Tempo de La Rivista della Televisione con mio! Vinny Vedecci!

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]

[Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit, ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey, hey! Caseando, caseando. Mio, Vinny Vedecci con eta noche. Isetaliano, eh, eh, cinema italiano, conoserando “In the Line of Fire”, “Rounders”, “The Changeling”, toro serebandes! John Malkovich!

(Vinny gets up and shakes hands with acclaimed actor/director John Malkovich, they sit down)

Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, eh, eh, John Malkovich. Buono sera, John Malkovich. Posiento, dona mataros, pos setegando, sorabando, (John is lost, looks around) Sina e maracando?

John Malkovich: I´m sorry, I don´t…I hope is not a problem but I don´t speak Italian.

Vinny Vedecci: (blows air, head hangs low) Serabando! BANDO!! (angry Italian words towards the show´s director)

(Show´s director is sitting down next to the camera eating spaghetti and smoking at the same time. As usual his assistant next to him eats his spaghetti like nothing is happening)

Show´s Director: Tipar! lider lucci! que parla italiano, miachi!

Vinny Vedecci: Te parle? Italiano, italiano? Parle italiano? Excuse me, he says that you told him that you could speak Italian.

John Malkovich: No, that is patently untrue!

Show´s Director: (angry) Satuando dara suo boca!

John Malkovich: What is he saying?

Show´s Director: (angrier) Stucco! Per favore! Signore setarato eh? Per favore, signore!

Vinny Vedecci: He, he just said that he loved you in “Con Air”.

John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.

Show´s Director: (more angry Italian)

John Malkovich: That´s very nice. I´m sorry I lost my temper.

Vinny Vedecci: Ok, ok. “Being John Malkovich”, heh, heh, heh, yes, yes. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich!

John Malkovich: Yes, that´s from the film, yes.

Vinny Vedecci: I can be John Malkovich.

John Malkovich: I´m sorry?

Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Hello, my name is John Malkovich.

John Malkovich: I don´t sound anything like that.

Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) No, you sound exactly like this.

John Malkovich: No, I don´t.

Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Yes, yes you do. Yes, bande barando. (to his director) Doesn´t he sounds like this?

Show´s Director: Della cosa, John Malkovich.

Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich. Eh, John Malkovich, eh pffft! John Malkovich. In Italy there is similar film called “Being Vinny Vedecci”.

John Malkovich: Really?

Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Roll clip, roll clip, roll clip.

(cut to Vinny smoking and walking into a room. Passionate moaning is heard. Vinny smiles and looks at an orgy taking place in the bed. The naked bodies are pixeled. Vinny looks at the camera)

Vinny Vedecci: Mande grazie!

(Vinny joins the orgy in bed, cut back to the studio)

Vinny Vedecci: (smiles proud) Eeeeh, eh, Vinny Vedecci, eh. What do you think, eh?

John Malkovich: Uh, I think its pornography.

Vinny Vedecci and the director: OWWWWW!!!!!

Vinny Vedecci: (upset) Bende, baratesito…!

Show´s Director: (angry) Cierto!, cierto! Per favore! Toti la grazie!

(John and the director get into a shouting match, talking over each other)

John Malkovich: There´s is a word in my language for your behavior! And the word is RUDE! That is a sex…that is a sex movie!!

Vinny Vedecci: Excuse me, excuse me. Sex movie?

John Malkovich: Yes!

Vinny Vedecci: Pornography….is sex movie?

John Malkovich: Yes!

Vinny Vedecci: (humble) Grazie, grazie, grazie.

Show´s Director: Grazie, signor.

(Vinny takes out a XXX dvd box set of “Being Vinny Vedecci”)

Vinny Vedecci: Vinny Vedecci is pornography, 20 hours, 8 discs!

(A little boy dressed in a sailor suit arrives)

Vinny´s Son: Papa!, Papa!

(the kid sits on Vinny´s lap)

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, it is my little boy, it is my little boy! I promised him he could ask you question about movie.

John Malkovich: Ok.

Vinny´s Son: Conola bocia de la fache….

Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. Ask him in English, ask him in English. Go, go, go.

(the kid sits on Malkovich´s lap, pinches his cheeks)

Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. How do they make you face goes big on the wall and when the popcorn and the coming truck and butter and the same truck and why and how and how.

(kid pinches Malkovich´s cheeks again)

John Malkovich: Well, that, that´s a lot to answer.

(kid wails, crying)

Vinny´s Son: Buuaaaa!!!

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, he´s so sensitive, he´s so sensitive. Oh, oh, oh.

(Vinny gives the kid a cigarette, lights it for him. Kid calms down)

Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. (blows smoke)

Vinny Vedecci: Go, go, go. Oh, well, well. That´s all the time we have. My apologies to Chef Boyar “G´s”.

(cut to a rap duo dressed like Chef Boyardee, gold medallion, big clocks. They wave it off like its cool)

Vinny Vedecci: Thank you to my guest John Malkovich. Arrivederci, arrivedercci! Oh, hey, hey.

(Vinny´s son spits out his lit cigarette and Vinny gives him another, lights it for him. Malkovich is speechless)

Caption: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 13th, 2008

Hugh Laurie

Kanye West

None

Maya Rudolph

None

Blagojevich HearingSummary: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudeikis) testifies and curses before the Senate Banking Committee for his own financial bailout.

Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich, Robert Byrd, Evan Bayh, Christopher Dodd, Elizabeth Dole.

Transcript

Montage

Hugh Laurie’s MonologueSummary: In order to avoid copyright infringement laws, Hugh Laurie sings a medley of three-second excerpts from his favorite Christmas songs.

First Hosted: 06d.

Transcript

Bronx BeatSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with Jeffrey Billings (Hugh Laurie).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Sarcastic Christmas DinnerSummary: Members of a family (Hugh Laurie, Casey Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Kristen Wiig) make sarcastic remarks to one another over a tense Christmas dinner.

Transcript

Wedding ToastsSummary: Offbeat members of the Culhane family continuously interrupt the emcee (Jason Sudeikis) at the wedding reception of David (Andy Samberg) and Tina (Abby Elliott).

Transcript

Kayne West performs “Love Lockdown”First Performed: 05a.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: New York Governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen) comments about ousted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and mocks New Jersey. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” following Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s scandal. Amy Poehler’s announcement that she’s really leaving “SNL” is interrupted by a wandering Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen).

Magical LampsSummary: A trio of singing lamps (Hugh Laurie, Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig) take their shopkeepers (Fred Armisen, Michaela Watkins) hostage, shoot a grandfather clock (Will Forte), and star in a new Broadway musical.

The Cat’s Christmas LetterSummary: An exasperated husband (Hugh Laurie) types up the family’s Christmas letter in their dead pet cat’s voice, as dictated by his nutty wife (Kristen Wiig).

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As the boss (Hugh Laurie) announces impending company layoffs, employee Marcus (Fred Armisen) can’t keep his hands off what he thinks are delicious cookies.

Transcript

Kayne West performs “Heartless”

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts