Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Surprise Party

Grandpa….Christopher Walken
Sue….Kristen Wiig
Guest 1….Amy Poehler
Guest 2….Bill Hader
Guest 3….Will Forte
Annie….Casey Wilson

[Opens with a nice house, cut to the living room. Aman talks to his friends, who sit on sofa. One of them is Sue.She is dressed with a large multicolor sweater.]

Grandpa: Thank you for coming on short notice. As youknow, my granddaughter is staying with us over thespring break and tomorrow is her birthday. So, I’mgoing to throw her a surprise party.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Guest 1: What a great idea.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Guest 2: She’ll be surprised.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-d!

Guest 1: Sue, what’s wrong?

Grandpa: Sue likes surprise parties.

Sue: I really love surprise parties, I’m freakin’ excited!

Grandpa: I want to ask. Does anyone want to help?

Sue: Oh, yes![Raises her hand high]

Grandpa: Thank you. She’s going to be so happy.

[Sue clenches her fists. Excited as hell]

Guest 1: Sue?

Sue: Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was gonna behappening today! I’m ecstatic to be a part of this!

Guest 2: It’s truly nice that you’re doing this for her.

Grandpa: I’d do anything for her. She’s my peach. Whatdo you think? Should I get balloons?

Sue: YES!!!

Guest 3: You know, I know of a party store I could picksome up on the way over tomorrow–

Sue:[overexcited] She’s gonna walk in here and thinkthat nobody’s here! I don’t know what’s she gonna dowhen she sees the balloons! And we’re hidden! And she’s surprised!

Guest 1: That’s how a surprise party works.

Sue: Oh, I know how they work!

Grandpa: That’s the idea. I thought I’d take her tothe park. Tell her we’re coming here for pizza. Now,you should all park far away so she doesn’t see thecars and get suspicious. Sue, what are writing?

[Sue writes furiously on a notepad]

Sue: All of it! Everything that you’re saying!Everything that’s happening!

[Guest 2 takes the notepad from Sue and shows it.]

Guest 2: It’s scribbles. It’s nothing. You act like itsthe first time you’ve ever thrown a surprise party.

Grandpa: Leave her alone. Sue, I love that you’reexcited about this. I am too. I just show it differently.

Guest 1: Oh, my friend owns a bakery. I can swing bytonight and pick up a cake.

[Sue rocks back and forth, out of breath]

Sue: I’m sorry. I feel like I’m gonna pass out. Couldsomeone get me something to eat? Some solid food. I’m so freakin’–

[Guest 2 gives her a bag of Ruffles chips]

Guest 2: Excited, excited…yes, we know.

Guest 3: I can’t wait to see her face tomorrow.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-o-od! I forgot about her face!! That’s the best part!!

Grandpa: We still have a lot to cover. So let’s talk about–

Sue: Oh, boy. My hands are paralyzed![Can’t open thebag of chips, Guest 2 opens the bag for her]

Grandpa: I thought we could do—I can do somejuggling from back when I was an army clown. I stillhave the nose someplace.

Sue: CLOWN![crams chips in her mouth]

Guest 1: Sue, get a hold of yourself!

Sue: I’m sorry, but I didn’t know this was happening!

Guest 2: Why don’t you go outside and get some air?

Sue: I’m sorry, you know what would make me calm down?A practice surprise. We can all figure out where we’re gonna hide.

Grandpa: Good idea. I don’t want to screw this up. So,everybody hide somewhere.

[The guests get up and hide behind the couch]

Grandpa: Ok, I bring her in. I say “Ok, Annie. We’re home.” And then you say—

All except Sue: Surprise!

Sue: SURPRIIIIIISE!!!!!!![Hands up high] gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!![whisper growl] happybirthday![covers her face, uncovers, unable to contain the excitement]

Guest 3: What is wrong with you?

[Annie walks in]

Annie: Hey, grandpa. What’s going on?

Grandpa: Everything’s fine, darling.

Guest 1: Yeah, we’re just hanging out.

Guest 2: Uh-huh.

Guest 3: Just talking.

[Sue has her collar over her mouth, bites it. Eyes open wide, ready to explode]

Annie: Hi, Sue.

Sue: I can’t tell you about something!

Guest 1: Oh, shut it, Sue!

Sue: There’s nothing. There’s something that I’m veryexcited that I can’t —is there a party?!, WHAT?! NO!Whose birthday?! What?! Tomorrow?! Nothing! What’shappening?! What time is it?! Park?! Pizza?! Hey, I’mgoing to a party tomorrow! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here itcomes, here it comes! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Grandpa: Sue, don’t! Please!

[Sue knocks herself out by smashing a light bulb on her head, she falls down.]

Annie: Grandpa, grandpa. What’s going on?

Grandpa: Well, to be honest, we’re talking abouthaving a party for you on your birthday.

Annie: Awww, grandpa. That’s really sweet but I don’tneed a party. But what I would like is for you to getme a Coach bag at the mall.

Guest 3: We could all pitch in on that.

[Sue sprints up on her feet]

Sue: OH, THE MALL!!

[Sue jumps out of a glass window]

Grandpa: Anything. Anything for you, cupcake. We’ll get ice cream—

[Sue jumps back in the living room through the busted window]

Sue: ICE CREAM!! THE MALL!!

[Sue jumps back out the window]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 9


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07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Thomas Beatie…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.

Amy Poehler: Hillary Clinton’s campaign, on Friday, released her joint tax returns, showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most of that comes from Bill Clinton’s speaking engagements, book royalties, and stud fees.

The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died.

Seth Meyers: Hillary Clinton, on Tuesday, said she is not a quitter, and compared herself to Rocky Balboa — the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender, who, despite a herculean effort, is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy!

In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration, on Monday, proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all banking transactions now begin with: “Pick a card.”

Amy Poehler: Sen. John Edwards said this week that he would not consider accepting a nomination for vice-president, adding: [ whispering ] “Yes, I would.”

Employers, who are concerned about a possible recession, cut 80,000 jobs in March, the most in five years. “This is an absolute dream come true!” said Doug Wentworth, a man who eats homeless people.

Seth Meyers: People in Cuba snatched up DVD players, pressure cookers, and other appliances on Tuesday, as a variety of consumer products went on sale for the first time. Unfortunately, this is causing massive lines at Cuba’s outlet.

After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, “Five times to my face he said he would never do that.” Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What’s that like?

[ suddenly, pregnant man homas Beatie enters the set ]

Thomas Beatie: Hellooooo! Excuse me!

Seth Meyers: Ughhh…

Amy Poehler: Wait… who’s that? Who’s that? [ looks around ] Oh, no…

Thomas Beatie: It’s me, Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man who was on “Oprah”, because I’m pregnant — and a man.

[ Thomas purposely tries to stand in profile, so as to accentuate the baby in his womb ]

Amy Poehler: Right. Hi, Thomas, how are you?

Seth Meyers: It’s good to see you.

Amy Poehler: What’s up?

Thomas Beatie: Nothing’s up! It’s just that I’m having a baby shower for this little miracle rolling around on top of my prostate.

Seth Meyers: [ with great disinterest ] Uh-huh.

Thomas Beatie: And I wanted you two… to be there. [ he gently places two invitations on the news desk ]

Amy Poehler: Oh.

Seth Meyers: Really? [ he laughs ] So you’re having a baby shower?

Thomas Beatie: Yeah… and you two HAVE to come. It’s going to be like any other dude’s baby shower —

Amy Poehler: Okay…

Thomas Beatie: The game will be on, we’ll open presents, and there’ll be beers in the icebox for all the bros not carrying little hos!

Amy Poehler: Well, that can be fun.

Thomas Beatie: Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don’t know.

Thomas Beatie: Come on, dude. Did I mention the stripper?

Seth Meyers: Nnnnno.

Thomas Beatie: Did I mention she’s also pregnant?

[ Seth is disgusted ]

Thomas Beatie: It’s a celebration of life!

Seth Meyers: Uh — [ turns to look at Thomas ] Stop turning back and forth, you’re creeping me out! [ Thomas continues to do so anyway ] It’s just that, um — [ turns again ] We get it, you’re pregnant! You don’t have to constantly be in profile, you’re pregnant! It’s just, um — and I don’t mean any offense here, Pregnant Guy — [ he laughs ] I find this whole thing a little weird!

Thomas Beatie: Look, Seth — I understand my situation’s unconventional. But, in the end, all I’m doing is making a baby. Hey — you want to feel my stomach?

Seth Meyers: [ relunctantly ] Yeah, alright… okay… [ he touches Thomas’ stomach ] Oh, my God! I just felt a kick!

Thomas Beatie: No, that’s my dong.

Seth Meyers: [ removes his hand ] Awwwww…

Thomas Beatie: See you at the shower!

[ Thomas exits the set ]

Amy Poehler: The pregnant man — Thomas Beatie, everyone. THank you, Pregnant Man.

In an interview in Vanity Fair magazine, Madonna criticizes New York City, saying that it “doesn’t feel alive, crackling with that synergy” in had in the 1980s. Said New York City: “Right back atcha!”

According to a new study, the number of female hunters between the ages of 6 and 15 has increased 50 percent in recent years. Thanks, in large part, to the magazine “Guns & Ammo & Gossip & Shoes & Boys.”

Seth Meyers: Scientists have discovered a fish that crawls instead of swims and has forward-looking eyes, which they believe is an entirely unknown family of fish. But, then, after taking a second look — yeah, that’s a squirrel.

A German priest has developed a plan to help his parishioners relax from the stress of everyday life, by having them lie in an open grave. And, once again, Germany has managed to out-German itself.

Amy Poehler: Larry King, this week, was asked by the umpire to leave his son’s Little League baseball game. Partly because of his behavior, and partly because his son is 81 years old.”

A 43-year-old sand tiger shark died this week at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island, where it has spent the last forty years in captivity — tragically, for a rape it never committed.

Seth Meyers: A new study shows that people with a large potbelly are at an increasedrisk for dementia in their later years. So don’t be shocked if Santa brings you a carrot on Flag Day.

According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is “Max”, while the least popular is “Osama bin Sniffen.”

Amy Poehler: New York State is considering doubling its cigarette tax to $3, which would make the cost of a pack of cigarettes in New York City almost $9. Said smokers, “Oh-my-god-that’s-outrageous-okay-we’ll-pay-it!”

Researchers say they have found the earliest known gold jewelry made in the Americas, in a burial site in southern Peru. The researchers say this is the strongest evidence yet for the existence of “Cave Guidos.”

Seth Meyers: The Chinese Olympic Committee has published a new list of banned drugs, which include turtle blood, root potions, and deer penis. Wait! So I did see Roger Clemens going down on a deer!

[ Seth holds his hand to his chin and ponders the thought for an extended moment ]

Amy Poehler: [ pointing at the camera on the two-shot ] Would you like to?

Seth Meyers: Give me one second… [ he finally breaks his pose ] For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 12th, 2008

Ashton Kutcher

Gnarls Barkley

None

Demi Moore

Cameron Diaz

General Petraeus Report on IraqSummary: General David Petraeus (Will Forte) reports on proceedings in Iraq, then criticizes the books written by John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) while praising the one written by Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama.

Montage

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Having recently produced shows like “Punk’d” and “Beauty & The Geek”, Ashton Kutcher takes this new role seriously enough to wander backstage to make helpful suggestions to SNL’s staff.

First Hosted: 02r.

The Cougar DenSummary: Older gal pals Deidre Nicks (Amy Poehler), Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) comment about their college-aged boyfriends before introducing a fellow cougar, Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), and the young stud (Ashton Kutcher) she keeps within her clutches.

Recurring Characters: Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore.

Transcript

Outside the NightclubSummary: Ashton Kutcher assumes his prominence as a celebrity will get him right into a hip new nightclub, but the bouncer (Kenan Thompson) forces him to wait outside with gawky Oliver (Fred Armisen) while allowing more questionable patrons immediate access.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A video performance of “Daiquiri Girl” by Clementine is supposedly substandard fare only because musical guest Gnarls Barkley backed out of participating in a Digital Short at the last minute.

Transcript

Activia Commercial ShootSummary: During a commercial shoot for Activia Yogurt, Jamie Lee Curtis (Kristen Wiig) can’t get enough of the product, nor can she stop pooping in her pants because of it.

Transcript

Gnarls Barkley performs “Run”Bio: members: Cee-Lo Green (Thomas Callaway), Danger Mouse (Brian Burton).

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by constantly kidding around; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

“Amie”Summary: While in a bar, the sounds of “Amie” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bill Hader, Ashton Kutcher).

Recurring Characters: Buddies.

Transcript

Death By ChocolateSummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) stabs a homeless bum in the back.

Transcript

The Mellow ShowSummary: Laid-back singer/songwriter Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) welcomes fellow casuals Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) and John Mayer (Ashton Kutcher) to his talk show.

Recurring Characters: Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Boyd Tinsley, John Mayer.

Death By Chocolate IISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) shoots a doctor (Jason Sudeikis), then plants the gun on a coma patient before pulling her plugs.

Transcript

Gnarls Barkley performs “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”

Dusty VelvetSummary: Paraplegic stripper Dusty Velvet (Casey Wilson) relies on assistance from the club emcee (Ashton Kutcher) to perform her erotic moves.

Transcript

Death By Chocolate IIISummary: A chocolate bar (Ashton Kutcher) kills Andy Samberg with a chainsaw in his quick-change booth.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

Activia Yogurt

Jamie Lee Curtis….Kristen Wiig
Crystal Sprigg….Amy Poehler
Michael Garret….Ashton Kutcher
A.D. ….Bill Hader

[Opens on a TV studio floor. A stage resembling a nice living room]

Crystal Sprigg: Hi. How are you? Nice to see you. I’m Crystal Sprigg from Activia Yogurt.

Michael Garret: Oh, hi Crystal. I’m Michael Garret. I’m the director. I’m so excited to meet Jamie Lee Curtis. I’m such a fan of hers!

Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she’s a delight. A real straight shooter. Did you see her on “Oprah”?

Michael Garret: Oh, yes, totally! Did you see her on the cover of AARP magazine? Oooh!

Crystal Sprigg: Yeah, she looked amazing. What an inspiration. It is so refreshing to see a 50 year old woman comfortable with her body.

Michael Garret: Yes, definitely.

[Jamie Lee Curtis appears eating an Activia yogurt. She wears a blue jean shirt, has short haircut, gray hair]

Jamie Lee Curtis: Hi, guys! Mind if I take my shoes off?

Crystal Sprigg: Hey, Jamie Lee.

Michael Garret: Jamie Lee.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I got to tell you. I cannot stop eating this Activia yogurt!

Crystal Sprigg: That’s so awesome! That’s what we love to hear!

Jamie Lee Curtis: So, where do you want me?

Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie, let’s just jump on this couch. [Jamie Lee and Michael sit on the couch. Jamie Lee is barefoot on the couch] Ah, you know, make yourself comfortable. Because this is all about you being you.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, do you want my top on or off?

Crystal Sprigg:[confused] You can keep your top on.

Michael Garret: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Its just a yogurt commercial, so we’re good.

Jamie Lee Curtis: ‘Cause when I was on the cover of AARP magazine they were like “are you sure you don’t mind putting on a bathing suit?” and I was like “hell, I’ll take my top off and I’ll take my bottoms off” and I did. And they said “good for you, Jamie Lee” and I said “damn right good for me! I’m getting older and I look good and proud of it!

Michael Garret: Ok, Jamie Lee. Should we….should we try one?

Jamie Lee Curtis:[eating yogurt] Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, if I was 21 and doing this commercial I would have been all about what I look like. Now I’m like, hell yeah! I’ll sit on this couch and eat this yogurt that makes you crap.

Michael Garret: Ok,ok. Here we go. Let’s roll camera.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, I killed this one, guys. Can I get another Activia?

Michael Garret: Oh, yes. Absolutely, let’s make that happen.

Crystal Sprigg: We love your enthusiasm, Jamie Lee!

Jamie Lee Curtis: I love your product!

[She gets another yogurt]

Michael Garret: Great.

[A.D appears ready to set the scene and shoot it]

A.D.: Jamie Lee, Activia. Take one. [clack!]

Michael Garret: And, action!

[Gentle theme music plays. On the top bottom of the screen there is the Dannon logo. On the bottom the Activia logo. Jamie Lee sits casually on the couch, feet up, barefoot]

Jamie Lee Curtis: First, the bad news. 87% of women suffer from digestive issues like ocassional irregularity. Now the good news–

[Jamie Lee freezes. Eyes wide open. Chin trembles. Left eye closes a bit]

Crystal Sprigg: You…, you ok Jamie Lee?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Yep, yep. I’m good. Just give me one second. Ok. I’m good. Are we still rolling?

Michael Garret: Yes, ma’am.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Now the good news. I just discovered Activia yogurt. And even better news it tastes—

[Jamie Lee freezes again. She stares wide-eyed at the floor]

Michael Garret: Uh, ok, all right. That’s a cut.

Crystal Sprigg: Jamie Lee, are you ok?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Yes, hell yeah! In fact, I am great. And I’ll tell you something else, when I was 18, 19, 20 years old I would have been afraid to say this but not now. I just pooped in my pants.

[Michael and Crystal are embarrased. Jamie Lee keeps gulping down the yogurt]

Michael Garret: Oh, no. Ummm…

Jamie Lee Curtis: No, no, no, no. I’m good, I’m good. And you know what else? I’m proud of it! I’ve eaten over 16 Activia yogurts today and I plan to eat at least 4 more. Pooped my pants as an older woman! Proud of it!

Crystal Sprigg: So, do you want to go to the dressing room?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Why, why would I do that? And make all these good people wait around? No way! When I was younger, a poop in my pants in a commercial shoot would have been embarrassing. But not now! I’m proud of it! Let’s go!

A.D.: Jamie Lee. Activia, take two.[clack!]

Michael Garret: Ok, uh, action!

Jamie Lee Curtis: First the bad news. 87% of women—I’m sorry, can we cut?

Michael Garret: Cut, cut!

Jamie Lee Curtis: You know what? I made mistake. I think I need to go to my trailer.

Michael Garret: Ok, all right, everybody. That’s it. Let’s take 10.

Jingle: Activia!

[Michael helps Jamie Lee stand up from the couch. She puts a hand on her butt and walks away from the set]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

“Amie”

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte
Amie…..Ashton Kutcher

[ open on interior, barroom, as Jason, carrying bottles of beer, approaches table to rejoin Bill and Will ]

Jason: Anybody ready for another round?

Bill: Yeah!

Will: Yeah!

Amie: [ stepping up ] Hey, hey, hey, nice! You came through!

[ everyone happily grabs a bottle of beer ]

Amy: Gentlemen — for the next five songs, that jukebox is all ours!

[ the buddies clink their beer bottles together ]

Buddies: Alright! Whoo!

[ “Amie”, by the Pure Prairie League, begins to emanate from the jukebox ]

Jason: Perfect.

Bill: Great song.

Will: I love this!

Jason: Uh — uh — this is “Amie”, right? The song “Amie”?

Amie: Yeah, you noticed!

Will: I haven’t heard this osng in years.

Bill: It’s a classic!

Jason: Oh, man! You know, I just downloaded this last week! This song is the best! Hey, you know who this song reminds me of?

Amie: Amie.

Jason: No, no — Heather!

Bill: Hey, yeah — have things gotten better?

Jason: much better. I mean, you guys know we had that rough patch, what, like four months ago? Then, all of a sudden, things changed. You know? She’s so? laid-back now, and… she’s finally listening to me.

Will: [ smiles ] Well, that’s great.

Jason: Yeah! the SEX has been awesome! She doesn’t say no to anything any more! And, I gotta be honest — I actualy went out and looked at engagement rings last week.

Bill: [ impressed ] Man! You’re gonna ask her to marry you?

Jason: I think I will — right after she comes out of the coma.

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do.”

Jason: [ gazing into his beer ] Man, oh man — I love being a doctor!

[ they all drink from their beers ]

Bill: You know you this song reminds me of/

Amie: Amie?

Bill: Nope — Connie Chung.

Jason: Mmm…

Bill: You guys know I have two fetishes — Asians, and broadcast journalists. So, in my mind, the name “Connie Chung” translates to “the perfect storm”.

Jason: [ clinking bottles with Amie ] Hurricane Connie!

Bill: Well, I’ve been writing her letters for years, then I finally got to meet her face-to-face. I’ll never forget it.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Wow! What’d she say?

Bill: It was great. She said, “You can keep the panties… just get the hell out of my shower before I call the cops!”

Jason: Yep!

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Bill: Great panties — they fit my face perfectly!

[ the buddies all smile ]

Will: Well… I’ll tell you who this song reminds me of.

Amie: Amie!

Bill: No — Courtney.

Buddies: Aw, come on!

Bill: Did you finally ask her out?

Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, “I found out you’re a pedophile.” And I was, like, “A pedophile? A pedophile?! That’s a pretty big word for a ten year-old!”

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Will: [ scowls ] That little tattletale! Her mom broke up with me!

[ some of the buddies sip their beers ]

Amie: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of — that time I had that, uh, prostate scare. I had to get those estrogent treatments?

Bill: Mmm-hmm… yeah.

Amie: Yeah, the side effects were TERRIBLE! I had nausea, vomiting… I ballooned up to, like, 300 pounds!

Bill: Uh-huh… yeah.

Amie: I remember I was in the shower, washing myself with a loofah tied to the end of a stick?

Bill: Yeah.

Amie: That’s when I realized I had to make a change. I looked down, and I couldn’t even see my own vagina!

Jason: Oh, man…

Buddies: [ singing to the chorus ]
“Amie, what you wanna do
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I — longer if I do-oo-oo-oo!”

Amie: Yeah… you guys know I’m a chick, right?

Buddies: Oh, yeah, yeah… of course… yeah, yeah…

Amie: And you’re aware my name is “Amie”?

Buddies: [ as the realization hits ] Ohhhhhh!!

That’s why I picked this song!

Jason: I just got it! Oh, man, it’s good to finally see you guys again!

Will: Yeah, good times!

Buddies: Good times! Good times!

[ they all clink their beer bottles together ]

Amie: Good song!

Buddies: I love that song… yeah…

Amie: [ as he puts his bottle down ] So… you guys ready to do this?

Jason: Yeah, let’s do it!

[ they all reach below the table to pull out costumed hats, which make them look like the Village People ]

[ a disco ball lights up in the background, as “Y.M.C.A.” begins to blast from the jukebox and the four buddies dance to the music ]

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

Death By Chocolate

Chocolate Bar…..Ashton Kutcher

[ open on exterior, alley, as Homeless Bum digs in a dumpster ]

[ in the background, a Chocolate Bar saunters past the alley, then stops when he spies the homeless bum in the foreground and begins to casually strut toward him ]

[ the Chocolate Bar moves closer and peers over the homeless bum’s shoulder unnoticed ]

[ the Chocolate Bar turns around, smiles, then raises a knife ]

[ the Chocolate Bar suddenly stabs the homeless bum in the back several times, until he fells him to the grass ]

[ the Chocolate Bar quickly throws the knife into the distance, then turns around and runs off ]

Jingle: “La la la, la-la-la-la, la la! Death By Chocolate!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 10

07j: Ashton Kutcher / Gnarls Barkley

Death By Chocolate II

Chocolate Bar…..Ashton Kutcher
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on interior, hospital room, old lady lying in a coma ]

[ the Chocoate Bar appears in the door frame, and peeks in with a sadistic grin ]

[ the Chocolate Bar stands over the old lady’s body and smiles ]

Doctor’s Voice: Hey!

[ the Chocolate Bar looks up, as the Doctor appears in the door frame ]

Doctor: What are you doing? —

[ a bullet fires into the Doctor’s heart. He gurgles as he falls to the floor ]

[ reveal the Chocolate Bar pointing a gun ]

[ the Chocolate Bar lowers the gun and plants it in the hand of the old lady in a coma ]

[ as the Chocolate Bar turns to leave, he is suddenly inspired to wreak further mischief, and frantically rips the tubes apart from the old lady before running out of the hospital room ]

Jingle: “La la la, la-la-la-la, la la! Death By Chocolate!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

La Revista Della Televisione

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
…..Jon Bon Jovi
Show’s Director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]

[Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit,ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]

Vinny Vedecci: He, he, he. E noche, conocendo emusicale, carabantore, americano italiano, bicio ecaranbandes! Jon Bon Jovi, hey!

[Bon Jovi shakes hands with Vinny, sits]

Jon Bon Jovi: Nice to meet you. Thank you.

Vinny Vedecci:[laughs]Jon Bon Jovi. Pio so contero,caravanto, carando a sara pondo musicale. Proto popasera acopando. Pisienti?

[Jon is clearly lost and confused]

Jon Bon Jovi: I’m sorry. Was there going to be atranslator here?

Vinny Vedecci:[Vinny laughs at the question]Notranslator. You are Bon Jovi.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, yes but I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian.

Vinny Vedecci: But you are Bon Jovi.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, but I was born in America.

Vinny Vedecci: No italiano?[Vinny is mad as hell.Turns to his director]Bisiano, carabin, decanto!

[Show’s director has big mustache, glasses and smokesand eats at the same time a plate of spaghetti, hisassistant just eats his spaghetti]

Show’s Director: Vincenzo! [drops fork on his plate]

Vinny Vedecci: Parla consigo “translator”!

Show’s Director:[resumes eating]Eh, Bon Jovi, huh!

Jon Bon Jovi: You wanna keep going?

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si.[slowly]Where in theAmericas are you from, Bon Jovi?

Jon Bon Jovi: I’m from a place called New Jersey.

Vinny Vedecci: Ah, New Jersey! Yes, Sopranos, eh! Bam,bodo, bom, bodo, bom, myself a gun, eh! Careanto, careantore, Sylvio?

Jon Bon Jovi: The Stevie Van Zandt character.

Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes. Sylvio, Sylvio,Sylvio,[perfect impression of Sylvio from TheSopranos]Hey, Tony. I thought we were gonna have ameeting, Ton. I think we should have a meeting, Ton.

[Applause for Vinny. Vinny smiles big. Even Jon Bon Jovi is impressed]

Jon Bon Jovi: That’s amazing! I like that.

Vinny Vedecci: You remember Paulie Walnuts?

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, of course.

Vinny Vedecci:[to his director]Seriato, seriato Paulie Walnuts.

Show’s Director: Que cosa? Paulie Walnuts, PaulieWalnuts….[another perfect impression] You know whatto do in a time like this Ton? You send a message. Yousend a message and you start a meeting.[Applause]

Vinny Vedecci: Next question. Blaze of Glory.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes, that’s one of my favorite songs.

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si. Very good song. Here it is best known for commercial jingle.

Jon Bon Jovi: A jingle? I didn’t know that.

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si, si. Caraoando, clip, caraandeande.

[Cut to a clip of a cigarette commercial. BlazePopulare cigarettes. Song plays and the kids light uptheir ciggies. They talk and share while enjoying theBlaze Cigarettes. Even a nun lights up and pats thekids on their heads. Song continues “Going down in ablaze of glory , take me down the road of truth…” Cut back to the studio]

Vinny Vedecci: Blaze Cigarette Populare![hold the pack up]

Jon Bon Jovi:[outraged]Are those cigarettes for kids?

Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. 7, 8 years old. Men.

Jon Bon Jovi: I never gave my song to that company.

Vinny Vedecci: But you are spokesman.[On the otherside of the pack there is Bon Jovi’s smiling face with a cowboy hat on]

Jon Bon Jovi:[more outrage]When did this happen?!

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, next question. Dead or Alive.

Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah, the song Dead or Alive. What about it?

Vinny Vedecci: It’s a song about a robot horse.

Jon Bon Jovi: No, you mean that line “on a steel horse I ride”.

Vinny Vedecci: Yeah, steel horse, a robot horse.

Jon Bon Jovi: No, no,no. Steel horse is a reference toa tour bus. The bus bands ride on.

Vinny Vedecci: Not a robot horse?

Jon Bon Jovi: No.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, bisiando.[Vinny signals to someonebehind Jon to quit it. Its a guy dressed as a roboticmetal horse. Jon looks back at the robot horse as he leaves.

Jon Bon Jovi: You know what? I really gotta go call mylawyer cause I’m pretty upset about that kid’s cigarettes.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, si, si. Blaze![again holds up thepack] Cigarette con divo Bon Jovi!

Jon Bon Jovi: How did this happen?!

Vinny Vedecci: Si, cigarette! [Humming theintroduction to Bon Jovi’s megahit “Living on aprayer”] Uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah, uhah.

Jon Bon Jovi: You don’t really want me to sing now, do you?

Vinny Vedecci: No, no. I will.[Sings the chorus]Oooohhcoristicon lates….[signals the director]

Show’s Director: Oohh! ooh!

Vinny Vedecci:[sings] Sico decolate! Diseco, doriti colate!

Show’s Director: Ooh! ooh!

Vinny and the Director:[sing together]Diso de colate-e-e-es!!

[Applause. Vinny laughs very satisfied]

Jon Bon Jovi: I gotta tell you Vin. You know, I meanmy grandmother spoke Italian around the house when Iwas a kid and I don’t recognize a single word you said all night.

[Vinny freezes along with the director and his assistant for a few seconds]

Vinny Vedecci: That’s all the time tonight. Thanks tomy guest Jon Bon Jovi. I’m Vinny Vedecci. Good night.

[Vinny gets up and dances with robot horse]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 3rd, 2007

Brian Williams

Feist

None

Horatio Sanz

Barack Obama

Al Roker

Matt Lauer

Bono
Halloween PartySummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) throws a Halloween costume party for her fellow contenders for the Democratic nomination, including Barack Obama who comes disguised as himself.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.

Bio: Barack Obama (1961-). Junior Senator from Illinois since 2005.

Transcript

Montage

Brian Williams’ MonologueSummary: Brian Williams wonders briefly if hosting “SNL” will mar his reputation as a serious news anchor, but decides that all preconceptions will change after tonight.

Bio: Brian Williams (1959-). News anchor; succeeded Tom Brokaw as anchor of “NBC Nightly News” in 2004.

Cameos: 05l, 06a.

Transcript

Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a slow-witted fireman (Brian Williams).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Note: Brian Williams spent three years during high school as a volunteer firefighter for the Middletown Township Fire Department in New Jersey.

Riley’s WaySummary: During the taping of the final episode of CW’s high school drama, “Riley’s Way”, the actor who plays the principal (Brian Williams) is angered that he hasn’t been invited to appear on the college spin-off series.

Transcript

Publishers Clearing HouseSummary: The winner (Brian Williams) of Publishers Clearing House’s $15 million prize is less-than-enthused about his sudden financial windfall.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “A Day in the Life of Brian Williams” reveals the anchorman standing on the street waiting to be recognized, throwing pennies down at Al Roker and Matt Lauer, and delivering the Nightly News.

Transcript

Feist performs “1234”Bio: Feist (1976-). Canadian singer-songwriter; full name: Leslie Feist.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: NBC executive Roger A. Trivanti (Fred Armisen) comments on the impending Writer’s Guild strike. Weekend Update nanny Barbara Birmingham (Kenan Thompson) comments on the past week’s Halloween festivities.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Birmingham.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews author J.K. Rowling (Amy Poehler), and views deleted scenes from the “Harry Potter” film series highlighting Dumbaldore’s (Bill Hader) homosexuality.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

iPhoneSummary: A man (Fred Armisen) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with having a secret mistress.

Transcript

Democratic Nominees BackstageSummary: Prior to the Democratic Debate at Drexel University, Brian Williams tells the nominees that the media is set on Hillary clinton securing her party’s ticket. Left to themselves, the other nominees struggle to find a way to discredit Hillary’s chances.

Recurring Characters: John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich.

Feist performs “I Feel It All”

Nightly News ThemeSummary: Brian Williams and NBC News executives seek the help of studio group musicians Dunham & Kirk to create a theme song for the Nightly News that will attract a younger demographic.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Willie & JulioSummary: Willie Nelson (Will Forte) and Julio Iglesias (Brian Williams) are truck drivers singing along the road.

Recurring Characters: Willie Nelson, Julio Iglesius.

Mr. ProduceSummary: Mr. Produce (Brian Williams) gives his son (Andy Samberg) a stern talking to for not taking good care of the vegetables while he was making a guest appearance on “Ellen”.

Trick or TreatSummary: A child sex offender (Will Forte) goes trick-or-treating at Brian Williams’ house.

A Message from Dennis KucinichSummary: Dennis Kucinich (Amy Poehler) comments on how his popularity is always considerably higher whenever he’s in the presence of his wife (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Dennis Kucinich.

iPhone IISummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) highlights the ways in which the new iPhone allows him to get away with punching cops in the street.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Goodnights

…..Brian Williams

Brian Williams: I want to thank my family for getting me here.. NBC for letting me do it. My thanks to Feist, to Senator Obama, and Horatio Sanz. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts