Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Melissa the Receptionist

…..Zach Braff
Melissa…..Fred Armisen
Brian Grazer…..Bill Hader
Sandra…..Maya Rudolph

Melissa: [on the phone] Brian Grazer’s office. Oh, hey, are you stopping at a Pink Berry? Okay, get me a medium plain with blueberries. Okay, bye! [hangs up]

[Zach and Sandra walk in]

Sandra: [talking to Zach] And if they put you on the cover of Esquire, we’re half way there.

Zach Braff: Yeah, that would be awesome.

Sandra: [talks to Melissa] Hi, we have a one o’clock with with Brian. Zach Braff is here to talk about his next film.

Melissa: Oh, okay! Um, I’m Brian’s assistant, Melissa, and he’s gonna be a minute, so you could just grab a seat. Um, do you want a water?

Zach Braff: Uh, sure, I’ll have one, thank you.

Melissa: Okay. Uh, do you want a water?

Sandra: As well, yes.

Zach Braff: I have a feeling Mr. Grazer is gonna love this idea.

Sandra: [scoffs] Are you kidding me? Fish out of water guy meeting a bunch of weirdos? Its incredible!

[Zach laughs and Sandra joins laughing, while Melissa walks over to them from her desk]

Melissa: [with two waters in her hands] Uh, here you go. Could you help me open the bottle, too?

Zach Braff: Okay, sure.

Melissa: You’re so strong, with your hands. I like that you’re humble about that.

[Melissa walks back to her desk]

Melissa: Hey, um, Zach?

Zach Braff: Uh, yes, Melissa?

Melissa: Um, I think you’re a genius!

Zach Braff: Well, thank you, that’s very nice of you.

Melissa: Yeah, you’re very down to Earth, unlike Hank Aseria!

Sandra: Um, how much longer do you think Brian’s going to be?

Melissa: Oh, it will just be a couple of minutes. Me and Brian are like best friends! I like him cuz he’s the only one around here who’s normal!

Sandra: Well, we have a meeting in Culver City, so?

Melissa: Okay, do you want a water?

Sandra: I haven’t finished this one, yet.

Zach Braff: Okay, yeah. By the way, did you get any word on me being in Spider Man 3?

Sandra: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s been out for like 2 weeks already.

Zach Braff: So, you’re not even going to call?

Sandra: No, I’ll make the call!

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Look what I found online

[turns the computer around to see that there is a picture of Zach in a jungle outfit]

Zach Braff: Wow…

Melissa: [giggling] You’re dirty.

Zach Braff: Uh, that’s not me, though.

Melissa: I know. I made it, I knew you were coming.

Sandra: I’m just gonna call Brian’s cell.

Melissa: Hey, Zach!

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: What animal is this? [puts her hands up in the air making claws as her facial expression goes carnivorous]

Zach Braff: I, uh, I don’t know, is it a cat?

Melissa: No! It’s a mountain lion! You do one!

Sandra: Melissa! Zach and I need some catch up talk, so do you mind?

Melissa: Grouchy.

Zach Braff: Should we just go, maybe?

Sandra: Yeah…

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Can I tell you a secret?

Zach Braff: Sure, go ahead.

Melissa: Do you ever think about having sex with me?

[door opens and Brian comes out]

Brian Grazer: Zach! Sandra! Melissa, why didn’t you tell me they were here?

Melissa: Oh, hi, Brian! Do you want a water?

Brian Grazer: Uh, [holds up his water bottle his is already drinking] no! Come on guys. Sorry about that.

Zach Braff: Go ahead, guys, just give me one second.

Brian Grazer: Alright.

[Brian and Sandra go back through the door, and it is just Zach and Melissa. Melissa stands up right next to Zach by the side of her desk]

Zach Braff: You know, uh, Melissa, there is something that I want. And it’s not a water.

Melissa: Do you want a vitamin water?

Zach Braff: No, I want you.

[Zach and Melissa start making out as they fall on the desk. Music starts up, and the screen goes into a pink heart surrounding Zach and Melissa making out]

[dissolves]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Zach Braff’s Monologue

Announcer…..Don Pardo
…..Zach Braff
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Andy Samberg

Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen… Zach Braff!

(Audience applauds while peppy music ends)

Zach Braff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. I just want to take a moment here: I cannot believe it, I am so incredibly honored to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

(applause)

This has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. I would stay up past my bed time to watch SNL in the days of the Church Lady and Toonces, the cat who could drive. Now I know when most people come out here they talk about how much they love New York, right? New York gets a lot of attention. I love New York. I grew up right across the river actually in a little state known as New Jersey. You may have seen my movie, Garden State, which was my love letter to New Jersey. I think it’s a place that’s so often overlooked in my opinion. Its my state I’m very proud of it. I just want to share those feelings to you.

(Piano starts and Zach sings to the tune of Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind”)

“Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood.
Hop a flight to Miami beach or to Hollywood.
But I’m taking New Jersey transit, the Morris/Essex line.
I’m in a New Jersey state of mind.”

Thank you very much.

(Piano continues as he breaks out of singing)

Here are some facts you may not know about the greatest state in the world. Of all the governors of all the states, our governor drives the fastest. 91 miles per hour. That’s the governor of New Jersey. Two thirds of the nation’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey, but you never once hear us brag about it. Why? We’re just not like that in New Jersey.

New Jersey has the 4th highest Italian-American population of any state, yet, HBO chose to set their series the Sopranos there. Why? It just felt right in New Jersey. For these and many other reasons, even though I live in California, my heart will always be in New Jersey.

(A new song starts up, Zach goes back into song, and Amy, Andy, Maya, and Kenan come out dressed as different landmarks of New Jersey.)

They say the Neon lights are bright on Route 17 in Paramus.

All: PARAMUS!

Zach Braff: They say that you can see the mall from there.

All: PARAMUS PARK MALL!

(Song stops)

Maya Rudolph: Um, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yes, Maya?

Maya Rudolph: We’re happy to do this but we don’t know what we’re supposed to be.

Zach Braff: What are you supposed to be?!?! Maya, you’re the Prudential Building, the best building in downtown Newark. Amy, you represent the Newark Airport. And Kenan you’re the Continental Airlines Arena where the Mets play! You guys are the most beloved landmarks in New Jersey!

Andy Samberg: And why am I a sandwhich? Not that I mind!

Zach Braff: Andy, you’re my favorite landmark of all. The Campus Sub Shop in South Orange, New Jersey.

Andy Samberg: Oh, cool, we got to go!

(Andy, Amy, Maya, and Kenan leave the stage and Zach breaks back into song)

Zach Braff: Take a bus to Secaucus, shop some Allen malls, use your EZ pass. Great views of Lady Liberty, if you prefer her ass. She’s actually in New Jersey. I’m taking the Holland Tunnel to the place where oil’s refined. I’m gonna break it down. I’m in a Neeeeeeewwwwwwwww Jersey a state of Miiiiiinnnnndddd!!!! Minnnnndddddd!!!! Miiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnd!!! We’ve got a great show, Maroon 5 is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnd!!!

(dissolves to commercial)

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin, Kevin M. Pitts.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Prom Committee Meeting

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs…..Amy Poehler
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton…..Maya Rudolph
Billy Zerillo…..Fred Armisen
Lyle Cane…..Will Forte
Brian Bernstein…..Zach Braff
Mando…..Jason Sudeikis
Skootch…..Kenan Thompson
Beatrice Mitchell…..Kristen Wiig
Stanley…..Bill Hader
Lomax…..Andy Samberg
Principal McDougal…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, high school ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs V/O: Alright, everyone, listen UP, okay?

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, prom committee meeting, students Beth “B.J.” Jacobs and Lauren “B.J.” Carlton addressing their classmates. Both girls speak in a weird drawl. ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Welcome to what I hope will be our final prom committee meeting. I’m Beth “B.J.” Jacobs — and, before you get any ideas, my name is Beth Jacobs, and that’s why I’m called B.J.

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: And I’m Lauren “B.J.” Carlton. [ chews on her pencil eraser and offers no follow-up explanation ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Guys, if it was up to us, none of you would be here, and Lauren and I would have picked the prom theme WEEKS ago! But, apparently, we at least have to hear your stupid ideas before we decide.

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Which we totaly didn’t wanna do!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: I think I made that clear, B.J.

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Sorry, B.J.

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: By the way, our prom theme should absolutely be James Bond! It’s 2007! Double-0-7! God! Okay, first up, with our WORST suggestion, is Billy Zerillo.

[ Billy Zerillo, dressed in Mets uniform, stands ]

Billy Zerillo: Alright. So.. I LOVE the Mets! But every time I suggest a Mets-themed prom, you guys look at me like I’m CRAZY!! Well, here I go — final effort: [ pleadingly ] let’s do a Mets prom! Blue and orange streamers, hot dogs! My uncle knows Mookie Wilson — he cam come! Therefore, my theme is: “Remember the Night We Mets?” [ the room is silent ] Thank you.

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: We’re not even gonna say anything. We’re just gonna let you know what we think of your idea with our expressions: [ both girls give an open-mouthed empty stare with tongues hanging ]

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Good expression, B.J.

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, our valedictorian, Lyle Cane.

[ Lyle Cane, shy and mildly retarded, stands ]

Hi there, I’m Lyle Cane. Many of you don’t know me, as I’ve just recently start speaking at school. But I assure you I’m a pretty great guy. My mom will vouch for that. As for our prom theme, how about: “Getting to Know Lyle Cane”? You’ll find I am a super-genius who is allergic to all kinds of wheat. Thank you. I’m Lyle Cane. Mother? [ sits ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Great idea, Lyle.

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Good sarcasm, B.J.

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.! [ the low-five one another ]

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, is Brian Bernstein.

[ Brian Bernstein, wearing oversized headphones, stands ]

Brian Bernstein: Looking out at all of you, I think, “Wow! What a generation we are!” And, then, I think, you know, I love James Bond, but what is THE movie of our generation? What is THE film that most spoke to our alienation in the infinite abyss that is our young lives?

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Ugghhhh!!! Are you gonna talk about “Garden State” again?

Brian Bernstein: Why shouldn’t we talk about “Garden State”? “Garden State” talked about us, right? Think about it — we could play the entire Grammy-winning soundtrack!

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: [ stunned ] That won a Grammy? It was, like, a pitchfork mix CD.

Brian Bernstein: I happen to know those songs were very carefully chosen.

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, Brian, we’re moving on!

Brian Bernstein: Well, I don’t care what you guys say! That soundtrack changed my life. [ places his oversized headphones over his ears, sits and languishes the soundtrack within him ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Joining us now, are those two guys that smell like concerts — Scootch and Mando.

[ Scootch and Mando, a pair of stoners, stand ]

Mando: Hello!

Skootch: [ with an echo ] Hello, hello!

Mando: Is there anybody in there?

Skootch: Just nod if you can hear me!

Together: Is there anyone at ho-o-o-o-ommme??!!

Mando: Pink Floyd – The Wall theme!

Skootch: From nine p.m. until 420!

Mando: O-pen your bra-ains!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, guys? Thanks to my SAT Vocab pPrep courses, I have the perfect word to describe that idea: Yuck!

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ha! Good one, B.J.

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, Beatrice Mitchell and her boyfriend, Stanley.

[ Beatrice Mitchell and Stanley, a pair of uptight virgins, stand ]

Beatrice Mitchell: Hi there.

Stanley: Hello.

Beatrice Mitchell: Our suggested theme is: “Worth The Wait.” A theme that could draw attention to what has been a very important issue to Stanley and I.

Stanley: As you know, Beatrice and I are believers in saving intimacy.. until.. after Prom.

Beatrice Mitchell: Marriage. Til after marriage.

Stanley: My mistake. Sorry.

Beatrice Mitchell: Stop making that mistake! Because you keep making that mistake, and it’s making me uncomfortable!

Stanley: I’m sorry. I love you, and waiting.. only makes.. that love.. stronger.

Beatrice Mitchell: That’s so sweet! [ pats his back ]

Stanley: [ becomes immediately aroused by her slight touch ] I’m sorry..

Beatrice Mitchell: Stanley!

[ she runs out of the room, as Stanley slowly and painfully follows ]

B.J. & B.J.: God! Gro-oss! Disgusting! [ a beat ] Next up, is Lomax!

[ Lomax, dressed in some sort of weird wizard’s garb, stands ]

Lomax: Hello! And thank you for your ironic support, ladies! I am here to say that I am uninterested in your prom, but would like to extend an invite to the Virtual Prom I will be holding on the shores of the River Asitoo! If you like mythical beasts and the realm of fantasy, it’s the prom for you! And, don’t worry — no Orks allowed! [ winks and grins ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Hey! Why don’t you and Lyle have a two-man weirdo prom together?

Lomax: Oh! Splendid idea! Lyle, can I interest you in a Virtual Prom?

Lyle Cane: No way! I want to go to a real Prom, and get lay for real.

Lomax: I wish you luck in your endevour. [ takes his seat ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, so to recap —

Mando: Hey! We didn’t get to go!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: [ stares at them, open-mouthed ] Yes, you did.

Skootch: [ stares back open-mouthed ] Okay! [ smiles ]

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay. Your choices are: The Mets —

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ugh!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Meet Lyle Cane —

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Eugh!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Napoleon Dynamite —

Brian Bernstein: It’s “Garden State”!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: What-ev-er! Pink Floyd —

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Lame!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Abstinence —

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Eugh!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Virtual Prom —

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Yuk!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: And, of course, James Bond!

Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ow!

Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Now, expecting that it will be an eight-way tie again, we’ve decided to let Principal McDougal be the tie-breaking voice.

[ Principal McDougal casually saunters into the classroom. Because he’s in favor of the James Bond-themed prom, he is dressed as modern-day Sean Connery ]

Principal McDougal: Well, well, well! Quite the conundrum. So many marvelous themes to choose from. I’ve talked at length to all of you, but I believe the two B.J.s were the most convincing. Therefore, I’m proud to anounce that our Prom theme will be “Shaken.. and Stirred.”

B.J. & B.J.: Yaayyyyy!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

An SNL Digital Short

Owner…..Zach Braff
Renter…..Andy Samberg
Dog…..Bill Hader

[Graphic Reads SNL Digital Short]

[Fade in: A New York City Apartment]

Owner: So this is the place. It’s, uh, pretty much how I described it on Craig’s List. The sublet would be for like 3 or 4 months.

Renter: Cool. It looks great.

Owner: Thanks. Oh, obviously the furniture would stay, ’cause I’ll be back, um….

Renter: Right.

[Owner cell phone rings]

Owner: I gotta grab this. Would you mind having a seat? I’ll be right back out.

Renter: Oh, sure.

Owner: Cool. [into phone while walking into other room] Hello?

[Renter sits down on couch and a dog. Rufus, comes into the room]

Renter: Hey, Buddy.

Dog: Hey there.

[Renter looks around for another person]

Dog: Don’t look around, it was me. The dog.

Renter: You can talk!

Dog: Yeah, I can talk; and I’ve got something to say.

Renter: What?

Dog: I love you!

Renter: Wha- This is crazy. You don’t even know me.

Dog: Well, let’s change that.

[Renter and dog exchange flirty glances before the dog walks over to the couch and lean up to kiss renter. Before they kiss, the Owner walks back into the room]

Owner: Sorry about that-

Renter: [almost caught in the act] What?

Owner: Were you about to kiss my dog?

Renter: No, I-, I just-, had to cough.

Owner: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Uh, where were we… rent, which includes utilities, that’s awesome- [cell phone rings again] I gotta get this again, I’m sorry. I’ll be right back. [into phone while leaving room] Hello?

Dog: That was close.

Renter: This is wrong. I can’t do this.

Dog: Of course you can. Cigarette? [dog hands renter a cigarette and holds up a match lighting the cigarette]

Renter: Thanks.

Dog: Quick, go to the fridge and get me a plate full of ham.

Renter: Okay. [starts to get up] Wait a minute. Has this whole thing just been about you tricking me into getting you ham? [dog stares back without answering] HAS IT?

Dog: Nooo?

Renter: You used me!

[Owner re-enters room, knowing now that something has been going on]

Owner: Okay, what is going on here?

Renter: [sadly] Nothing.

Owner: Oh, no. Did my dog seduce you and try to get you to give him some ham?

Renter: Your dog is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Owner: Damnit, Rufus! Bad dog! Bad dog! [dog sits down in middle of room]

Renter: I’m leaving.

Dog: Wait! Did this start about me wanting some ham? Yes. Did it turn into something else? You bet it did. So you can walk out that door or we can give this a shot. Owner, you’re a good man, but I can’t fight love.

Owner: Then go to him. [after a beat] Come on, boy! Go to him. Go to him!

[while Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson plays in the background, the dog goes over in slow motion to the renter and start making out as The End flashes onto the screen]

Submitted by: Kevin M. Pitts

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20


]]>

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Waterson…..Fred Armisen
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Lt. General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon’s director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room yelling “Not It!”

The average national price of a gallon hit an all time record high of three dollars and fifteen cents this week. Meaning that where ever you’re going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

As part of a new immigration reform bill, illegal immigrants would get immediate legal status by paying a fee of 5,000 dollars. So, it looks like that jet ski will have to wait until next year, Horhey.

Seth Meyers: During a concert of the Virginia Symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, president Bush briefly took over the orchestra, which explains why the orchestra is now 4 trillion dollars in debt.

The New York Police Department is deploying 10 segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and parks in an effort to increase murder.

Amy Poehler: [murmurs] Clapping for murder. Well summer’s just around the corner and that means this year’s biggest movies are on the way. Here with her take on some of these films, is my Aunt Linda.

[Aunt Linda scoots out on a rolling chair]

Aunt Linda: [looking at a person off stage] I can push myself! And leave my purse where I can see it! [turns head forward]

Amy Poehler: Okay, hi, aunt Linda. Welcome back.

Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Hi aunt Linda, you actually sound like you’re in a good mood.

Aunt Linda: Well, its spring so I’m happy. Isn’t that obvious? [rolls her eyes]

Amy Poehler: Okay, well, I heard there were a lot of good movies coming out.

Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Well, I guess if you like sequels.For instance, another Pirates of the Caribbean?!? Well, I’ll see this one with two eye patches on. I’ll give this one a “Thar she blows”! And guess how many oceans they’ve made now!

Amy Poehler: Wait, what?

Aunt Linda: Oceans Thirteen! Did the first 12 do that well? Well, if they’re anything like the last 2, I give this one 13 “ghaas” and a “puhhhleez”. And of course, the highly anticipated Rush Hour 3. [rolls eyes]

Amy Poehler: Oh, yeah, that’s the one with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.

Aunt Linda: Yes, Amy, the infamous ethnic comedy duo have teamed up again. Well just from trailer, I give this movie a review that both its stars should appreciate: An “Oh no you didn’t” and a “De jong”.

Amy Poehler: De jong? What does that mean?

Aunt Linda: It’s Chinese for “oh brother”.

Amy Poehler: This has been uplifting, thank you so much, aunt Linda!

Aunt Linda: Yes, [looks back stage again] hand me my purse! [scoots away]

Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody!

Seth Meyers: For the second consecutive year, Miami has been named the city with the worst road rage. They hope to solve this next year with more cocaine and louder salsa music.

Amy Poehler: A new bird called the Gorgorded puffleg which is a blue and green throated humming bird was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia… though still nothing on Bin Ladin.

Hundreds of girls stood in a line, Monday, in Manhattan, to audition for a role in the upcoming American Girl movie, which stars Abigail Breslin and nobody who stood in a line.

Seth Meyers: Fire Fighters in Alaska were called in to lift a 7,500 pound elephant that had laid down and refused to get up, because if there is one thing fire fighters know about, it’s elephants.

Amy Poehler: Sesame Workshop, the creators of Sesame Street, are in talks with Northern Ireland to bring the show up there. Producers have already made a new character for the show, called “Drink You Under the Table Elmo” [murmurs] I look forward to that.

NBC announced Monday, it will once again renew its long running drama series, Law & Order, which as near as I can tell, is about a kindly old grand-father who teaches cynicism to a series of super-models.

Seth Meyers: [looking the opposite direction of Amy] Oh oh, oh oh!

Amy Poehler: [whispers] What?!

Seth Meyers: [still looking the opposite direction of Amy] Sam Waterson is standing right behind you.

Amy Poehler: What? No! Damn it! No!

Sam Waterson: How dare you, Amy? How can you defend that joke? It’s out of order! And I object! Testimony! 9-1-1! [Law & Order noise sounds as Sam Waterson walks away]

Seth Meyers: Porn star, Janet Jamison, this week, endorsed Hillary Clinton, for three hot hours.

Amy Poehler: Candy Spelling, Tori Spelling’s mother, posted a letter to Paris Hilton on the internet, warning her to change her ways, and that she is not as truly entitled as her money implies. Ahhh white wine! Helping old ladies embarrass them selves for centuries!

ABC this week, announced to launch a sitcom, based on the cavemen characters from the well-known Geico commercials. Not to be out done, NBC is introducing their new drama, 1-800-mattress.

Seth Meyers: Indiana’s Putnamville correctional facility has created a program where in-mates care for retired race horses at a prison farm, and this just in, the prisoners have escaped on the race horses.

A judge has ruled that a German sex shop must pay over 67,000 dollars each for using their names on vibrators with out permission. Good news for Auto Van Dildo.

Amy Poehler: A new study reveals that?

Whitney Houston: [off stage] Ohhhhhh!

Amy Poehler: Oh oh who is this?

Seth Meyers: Oh boy.

Whitney Houston: [walking on stage] Ohhhhh!

Amy Poehler: Oh, look everyone, it’s famous singer and recording artist, Whitney Houston!

Whitney Houston: Ohh, thank you!

Amy Poehler: Oh, what a surprise!

Whitney Houston: Oh oh oh! Amy Poehler everybody, can I get a what-what?! Alright!

Amy Poehler: Mrs. Houston, now who let you in, and what brings you by the Update desk?

Whitney Houston: I don’t know! I just wanted to stop by and wish my old pals a very happy summer time!

Amy Poehler: Okay, so what are you doing for the summer, Mrs. Houston?

Whitney Houston: Funny, you should ask, Ms. Meyers! First, I am going to lay by the pool, Seth Meyers, and drink down lots of peanut cool lalas! I am not however, going to drink a bottle of bandasolay just because it smells like bananas! [takes her glasses off] Bobby Brown dared me to do it! I’m going to get you Bobby B!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, we heard that he was suing you actually.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Whitney Houston: Oh, you did?

Amy Poehler: Yeah

Seth Meyers: Yeah

Whitney Houston: Ha ha ha! I am laughing but this is not funny! Your door bell is going to ring, Bobby B! And your going to open your door to find a burning bag of doggy doody! And you’re gonna stomp it out! Alright! [starts dancing backwards]

Amy Poehler: Okay. Wow! She’s going all the way back! Mrs. Houston, you brought us something, what did you bring us?

Whitney Houston: Oh I did! Some baked goods! A family secret recipe, for summertime! It’s brownies! [stands up, and walks in the middle of Seth and Amy] But don’t eat them until after the show!

Seth Meyers: Why? Are they pot brownies?

Whitney Houston: No! They’re cocaine brownies! Momma has already had 16 of them! [starts dancing again]

Amy Poehler: Wow there she goes again! Whitney Houston, everybody!

[Whitney Houston walks off stage]

Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

[Whitney Houston runs back on stage and climbs on Seth, and Amy follows, as Weekend Update fades]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
…..Zach Braff
Show’s Director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarrette and winks at the camera]

Vinny Vedecci V/O: Ragazze, regazze a tempo de ver LaRivista della Televisione con mio Vinny Vedecci!!

[Vinny is sitting at a table smoking and having agreat time. An ashtray is in front of him overflowingwith smoking cigarrettes.]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, bisioso!, bisioso! he, he, he,Vinny Vedecci con sipio he, he, he. Eta notte conocerolo ranto della cinema americano conocendo arabande”The Ex” comparto “Scrubs” conderasantes, Zach Braff!!

[TV star Zach Braff enters, shakes hands with Vinny,sits down with him.]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, hey!, hey! Zach Braff! hey!, Zach Braff!, hey!

Zach Braff: Thank you, thank you. Very excited to be here.

Vinny Vedecci: Zach Braff, hey,hey. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff: Yes.

Vinny Vedecci: Ay, sito comparto eh, american cinema[more rapid italian dialect] compuso “Garden State” e”Scrub” eh, della televisione, diso compartes?

[Zach is lost]

Zach Braff: I’m sorry. I, I, I don’t speak Italian.

Vinny Vedecci: Eh?

Zach Braff: I don’t speak Italian. I was told there be some english, I…

[Vinny looks mad. He complains loudly in Italian tohis show’s director and assistant. The show’s directorand his assistant are both eating spaguettis besidesthe camera. The director with his earpiece looks madtoo, his assistant eats like nothing is happenning]

Show’s Director: Vincenzo, per favore!!![more loudItalian arguing, throws his fork with pasta into hisplate. Vinny is Italian mad] ….toccino, eh?

Vinny Vedecci: Toccino? Ha!, ha!, ha! Toccino! he!,he! he! [His director laughs with Vinny, their littleinside joke] Brrrr!! Toccino! He, he, he. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff: Yes, sir.

Vinny Vedecci: Conocerendo, conocendo Manhattan Murder Mystery? Heh?

Zach Braff: Oh, yes! Actually, Manhattan MurderMystery was my very first movie.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, carasere, misteriando, carasere”Columbo”, eh? Peter Falk, eh?

Zach Braff: No,no,no. Peter Falk is not in that movie.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, “Columbo”, “Columbo”, oh, “Columbo”e impressione, impressione, “Columbo”[A perfectimpression of Peter Falk’s “Columbo”] “One more thinglittle lady, if you never been to Mexico before thenwhat’s that sombrero doing in the backseat of your car!”

[Applause, Vinny smiles big]

Zach Braff: That’s great. That’s really great. It hasabsolutely nothing to do with Manhattan Murder Mysterybut it’s a very good impression.

Vinny Vedecci: Grazie, grazie, grazie. Zach Braff,Zach Braff, grazie. Zach Braff[more italian] ….a clip? Clip?

Zach Braff: Clip, I understand! Yes, I brought a clip.

Vinny Vedecci: Clip, clip on “Scrub”!

Zach Braff: Yes, sir.

[Cut to a clip of the series “Scrubs”. Zach’scharacter talks to the black chick and the blond chickof the show in a deep,grave dubbed italian voice. Thegirls are dubbed in Italian too. The music is dramaticin tone. A monkey wearing a busboy outfit runs around,they all speak in deep, desperate dubbed Italianvoices. Monkey bangs hand into the glass window, scenefreezes. Clip ends devoid of color and with a sting of dramatic music]

[Returns to studio. Zach looks confused]

Vinny Vedecci: Oooh!, molto dramatico! Si, serabandes!

[Show’s Director is crying in his spaguetti. Assistant cries but keeps eating]

Show’s Director: Cosa triste es “Scrubs”!

Zach Braff: I’m sorry, is “Scrubs” a drama in this country?

Vinny Vedecci: No drama. Number one drama!!

Zach Braff: No, I’m sorry but “Scrubs” is a comedy.

Vinny Vedecci: Comedy? Eh, not that funny.

Zach Braff: Is there a translator here? Maybe someone I can talk to?

[From under the table 2 crude puppets appear. Italian tarantella plays.]

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, oh. E senda coccino cavalle[more italian] Zach Braff!

[Puppet talks to Zach in a playful way.]

Puppet: [italian dialect] …oh dio, Zach Braff.

Vinny Vedecci: [playfully] Oh, oh Zach Braff, mea coccino….

Zach Braff: I’m not really sure what I’m supposed todo here.[to puppet] Hi, how are you?

Puppet: Mi primo dembarco, per favore?

Vinny Vedecci: She…wants…a kiss.

Zach Braff: A kiss? Ok, I can…I’ll give her a kiss.

[Zach leans in to kiss the puppet and suddenly thepuppet vomits on his face. Zach wipes vomit from hisface. He is not amused]

Vinny Vedecci: Ha!, ha!, ha! Zach Braff!! She vomit!!In your face!!!

[Vinny laughs wildly, director laughs, assistant eats,3 other tv crew members laugh and smoke cigarrettes]

Zach Braff: Very funny. That’s really funny.

Vinny Vedecci: Classico!, classico![imitates the vomitin the face] Blaaaah!!!! Oh, Zach Braff….ooohh[moreitalian. Vinny touches his watch indicating they areout of time] …so sorry Karate Gorilla.

[A man in a gorilla suit dressed in kimono and asianheadband looks mad that he will not make it in the show]

Vinny Vedecci: Grazie, Zach Braff. Of course-a VinnyVedecci. Good night, good night. [waves bye-bye]

Logo appears: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci.

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: 2006-2007




The Best of ’06/’07 on DVD

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Will Forte

Bill Hader

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Writers:

Doug Abeles

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Jim Downey

Charlie Grandy

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost

Erik Kenward

John Lutz

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

Matt Murray

Paula Pell

Marika Sawyer

Akiva Schaffer

Robert Smigel

John Solomon

Emily Spivey

Andrew Steele

Jorma Taccone

Bryan Tucker

Episodes

09/30/06: Dane Cook / The Killers

10/07/06: Jaime Pressly / Corinne Bailey Rae

10/21/06: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

10/28/06: Hugh Laurie / Beck

11/11/06: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

11/18/06: Ludacris

12/02/06: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

12/09/06: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

12/16/06: Justin Timberlake

01/13/07: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

01/20/07: Jeremy Piven / AFI

02/03/07: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

02/10/07: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

02/24/07: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

03/17/07: Julia Louis Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

03/24/07: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

04/14/07: Shia LaBeouf / Avril Lavigne

04/21/07: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

05/12/07: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

05/19/07: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Summary“Saturday Night Live” returned for its thirty-second season at the heels of a $10 million budget cut, not to mention the dual announcement that not only would no new cast members be hired, but three others would be relieved of their performance duties.

Head writer Tina Fey and long-time cast member Rachel Dratch departed “SNL” to star in the prime-time series “30 Rock”, which poked fun at the behind-the-scenes humor of an “SNL”-like sketch comedy show.

After much speculation by viewers, cast members Horatio Sanz and Finesse Mitchell were finally let go, as was Chris Parnell for the second time this century.

Seth Meyers moved up the ranks to be become the new head writer (with Paula Pell and Andrew Steele as his co-horts) and Amy Poehler’s co-anchor on “Weekend Update.”

Finally, Don Roy King took over as director.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Restless Penis Syndrome

Karen Danberg…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Mr. Danberg…..Jason Sudeikis
Dr. Highsmith…..Kenan Thompson
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on a dark bedroom in which a woman is sleeping. Her husband steps quietly in, dressed in business attire, and closes the door softly. He slips quietly to a futon at the foot of the bed while she stirs awake.]

Karen: Honey? Honey, is that you?

Mr. Danberg: [unshoulders suit] I’m sorry, hon. I didn’t mean to wake ya.

Karen: Oh, it’s okay. Oh, it’s so late.

Mr. Danberg: Yeah, yeah, work. It’s killin’ me lately.

Karen: But this is the third night in a row!

Mr. Danberg: [stumbling a bit] Yeah, yeah, it–it’s been rough. [loosens tie] Y’know, I’m pretty bushed.

Karen: [switches on light and stumbles out of bed] We need to talk.

Mr. Danberg: Can it wait? You know, I’m tired.

Karen: Well, I’m tired, too. [tearfully] I am tired of waiting up for you! I am tired of you staying late at work!

Mr. Danberg: [bristles] Okay, I can’t help it, okay? We’ve talked about this.

Karen: Why do you always smell like perfume?

Mr. Danberg: [faking disbelief] What? Perfume? What–what do y–I don’t know! I mean–there’s ladies at work, that wear perfume, and I’m sure that’s it! You know? Gosh!

Karen: I found… these.

[She holds up a pair of baby blue, French-cut ladies’ underwear.]

Mr. Danberg: Yeah, so?

Karen: [tearfully] They were in your suit pocket!

Mr. Danberg: Okay. Okay. Y’know, uh, that’s dumb. [laughs stupidly] We, uh, we were goofing around, and, uh… it’s just… things happen.

Karen: Oh, please. Please!

Mr. Danberg: I can’t do this anymore.

Karen: What?

Mr. Danberg: It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kids… I’m done lying.

Karen: [covers mouth and weeps] Oh, oh, my God…

Mr. Danberg: I should have told you this a long time ago.

[Dramatic pause while Karen sobs quietly.]

Mr. Danberg: I’ve been diagnosed with Restless Penis Syndrome.

[laughter]

Mr. Danberg: RPS.

Karen: What?

Mr. Danberg: It’s a very well-known neurological condition, and it is… awful.

Karen: I’ve, I’ve never even heard of it! You’re having an affair!

Mr. Danberg: I wish it was that easy. I really do! Currently, there are no known cures for RPS. Restless Penis Syndrome.

Karen: This is stupid! If you think for one second that I am buying this… this so-called Restless Penis Syndrome. Really? So you’re saying you can’t control what your penis is doing?

Mr. Danberg: I haven’t been able to control it my entire life! I’ve never been able to. [painfully] And… I’m not sure if I ever will.

Karen: No, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re even trying this.

Voice: I’m afraid it’s true, Karen.

[Enter Dr. Highsmith carrying an old-fashioned doctor’s satchel.]

Karen: Dr. Highsmith?

Dr. Highsmith: Your husband is telling you the truth. You see, when I first diagnosed his RPS… Excuse me…

[He plops down on the bed right next to Karen.]

Dr. Highsmith: I thought maybe there was a chance. It might’ve been foolish of me, but I told him to let his penis do whatever it wanted to do. I thought it would get tired out, and no longer be restless.

Karen: Why are you here?

Dr. Highsmith: But letting it be restless has only made it more restless, I guess. I’m partly to blame for this. I mean, we just didn’t know enough about RPS in those days. I’m sorry.

Karen: So–I’m just supposed to sit back and let his–your penis run wild all across town with as many women as it needs to?!

Mr. Danberg: [touches her head tenderly] It’s a lot to ask, I know.

Dr. Highsmith: I think you’re the bravest woman I know, Mrs. Danberg.

Karen: Oh, come on!

[After a pause, ZOOM OUT to reveal a commercial spokesman in the foreground to the right of the bed.]

Spokesman: If you suffer from Restless Penis Syndrome, you’re not alone. RPS severely affects the lives of millions of Americans.

Karen: What… what is happening now?

[laughter]

Mr. Danberg: We’re shooting a commercial for RPS.

[Commercial music rises slowly in the background.]

Karen: Are you kidding me? I don’t look–well, let me do something with my hair, you could have told me!

[She pulls her hair back and grins in pleasant surprise.]

Mr. Danberg: [chuckling] It’s okay, dear. You look amazing.

Karen: A commercial? For RPS? That’s big stuff! [smiles]

Mr. Danberg: It sure is, honey. It sure is.

Dr. Highsmith: You look wonderful.

Karen: Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Highsmith: Um, you know, I also have Restless Penis Syndrome… [touches inside of her leg]

Mr. Danberg: Hey, Highsmith? [shoos his hand away] Not part of the deal, buddy.

Karen: Would you guys be quiet? And let the guy do the commercial. [gestures to spokesman]

Spokesman: But now there’s hope. The RPS Foundation is committed to finding a cure for this debilitating disorder. With new medical breakthroughs happening every day, we think we may be just years away.

Mr. Danberg: Decades.

Spokesman: Decades away. Won’t you please support the RPS Foundation?

[FADE to the RPS Foundation logo.]

Announcer: Restless Penis Syndrome. With your help, we can beat this thing.

Karen: [off camera] What? That sounded like your brother.

Mr. Danberg: No, well, it wasn’t.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15


]]>

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesperson said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was criticized this week, after documents revealed eight fired federal prosecutors had been rated on whether or not they exhibited loyalty to the president. Which explains the appointment of new Mexico federal prosecutor — [ show photo of dog ] Shasta.

Seth Meyers: According to a transcript of a military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attacks, saying, “I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.” He then politely asked the interrogator to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt.

A 17-year old girl won a scholarship worth $100,000 for building an inexpensive, yet accurate, spectograph, that identifies the fingerprints of different molecules — which I assume is some fancy way of saying: “Baking Soda Volcano.”

Amy Poehler: Preisdent Bush visited Colombia on Sunday, to show support for the country’s battle against Narco-Terrorists — or, as he called them in college: “My guys!”

A new study has found that women get together, they engage in mandatory “fat talk”, in which they say negative things about their bodies. Though, eventually, they do get around to introducing their guests. [ reveal photo of “The View” ]

Seth Meyers: This week, there were serious revelations about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales firing eight U.S. attorneys, for what appears to have been a coordinated campaign by the White Huose to purge those attorneys who weren’t “Bushies.” Sinceour regular legal analyst wasn’t available, here to comment is — oh, no — the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial, Judge Larry Seidlin.

[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, clutching a newspaper with his face hung low ]

Judge Larry Seidlin: Hiya, Seth and Amy. Did you guys see the news? [ Seth and Amy are mum ] Did you guys see the news, on the TV?

Seth Meyers: Yes. Yes, I saw the news on the TV. Judge, what is your take on the Attorney General scandal?

[ distracted ] How am I coming off so far, Seth? Amy I coming off good, Amy?

Seth Meyers: You’re fine.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Okay. tell you what I’m gonna do. Here’s — what I wanna do now, uh — uh — is, I’m gonna read off the names of the people who are on the chopping block! [ pauses ] About to get fired! Now — now, when I read this, I don’t want no tears. I don’t want no crying! [ sniffs, tries to hold his composure ] I — I think I’m gonna cry — I might cry a little bit. [ sniffs twice ] First name — [ sniffs, holds back his tears ] First name — [ sniffs some more ] is this poor guy from New Mexico, U.S. Attorney David Iglesius — [ begins to boo-hoo-hoo and taps his pencil on the desk ] From Arkansas, Bud Cummins — [ sniffs ] You know, I’ll tell you something, you guys — [ sniffs ] This reminds me of the time I got fired once! You know — you know, when I was a little kid, and I worked at the Bronx Zoo! Selling peanuts!! And, you know, it was a good job, and I worked really hard! This was before I was a cab driver! [ taps his pencil ] I worked hard! Really hard! And one day I was pushing the cart through the zoo, and the monkeys got out of the cage!! And they ATTACKED me!! You know those monkeys — not the regular ones, but the ones with the plastic asses? You know those ones? They were all around me, these monkeys!! And then they knocked over my cart, and one of them punched me in the face, and drug me all around the zoo — it was humiliating!! They were so MEAN to me! You know these monkeys, the one with the plastic asses — the — the RED ones?! The red asses? You know what I’m TALKING ABOUT, SETH!!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I think so.

Judge Larry Seidlin: You know which monkeys they are, Amy?!!

Amy Poehler: Yes. Yeah. I know.

Judge Larry Seidlin: They’re mean as Hell!! And when they’re hungry, they’re TEN TIMES AS MEAN!! So’s — so’s — so’s when I come to, I’m in the flamingo pen! [ slumps in his seat, begins to cry ] And right there — RIGHT THERE — I got fired. IN FRONT OF THE FLAMINGOS!! [ slumps back in his chairs and wells up with tears ]

Seth Meyers: Judge, so you have anything to say about Karl Rove and the Attorney General?

Judge Larry Seidlin: Seth.. I ain’t coming off too good, am I?

Seth Meyers: No.

Judge Larry Seidlin: But they can splice this out, right?

Seth Meyers: No.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Well, I’ll tell you what they should do with these guys, Karl Rove and Gonzales: they should give them a peanut cart! And make them walk around the monkey cage! So the monkeys can throw PEANUTS at them!! SEE HOW THEY FEEL!! Seth and Amy, you know which monkeys I’m talking about, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes.

Seth Meyers: Yes. Judge Seidlin, everybody. [ to the judge ] Take care of yourself.

Amy Poehler: In an interview with “60 Minutes”, “American Idol” judge Simon cowell said he was once offered $100,000 to watch a couple have sex and then critique their lovemaking. But, then at the last minute, Paula and Randy changed their minds.

Seth Meyers: A new law was signed in New Mexico, Monday, that outlaws cockfighting in the state, as chickens everywhere deserve the right to live free — in a two-foot cage, before a machine cuts off their heads so we can eat them. [ light titters among the audience ]

Amsterdam City Council gave permission for the owner of a 150-year old chestnut tree, that comforted Anne Frank while she was in hiding, to cut it down. Well, it’s official: Anne Frank cannot catch a break. [ light laughs amidst a few groans ] I knew I was in trouble when you guys didn’t like the chicken joke!

A new study says that eating salmon is not only good for your heart, but can improve your disposition, making you more agreeable. Defeating ths study: grizzly bears.

Amy Poehler: Well, today is St. Patrick’s Day — happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ the audience cheers ] And, you know what? [ takes out a bottle ] I figured it would be fun to take a moment and celebrate the holiday with shots. Huh? [ she pours two shots ]

Seth Meyers: Whoa, whoa, whoa — I don’t think it’s a good idea to do shots during the show. Remember what happened last time?

Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] I do not! [ chugs her shot ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yuo got hammered, and thenyou drunk-dialed everyone on your phone.

Amy Poehler: Mmm. Do you want your shot or not?

Seth Meyers: No.

Amy Poehler: Okay. [ holds up Seth’s shot ] To my health! [ chugs the shot ] Mmm! See? I’m fine?

Seth Meyers: Okay. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week in — [ Seth’s cell phone rings ] No. It’s Amy — I’m not going to answer it. Just ignore it. [ begins again ] A new study was released — [ cell phone continues to ring ] You know what? I am just — ’cause she’ll keep calling. [ answers his cell phone ] Hello.

Amy Poehler: [ on her cell phone ] Heeeeyyyy!! What are you doing! Are you OUT?? Are you having fun??

Seth Meyers: No, uh — actually, I’m at the Update desk telling a joke right now, so I’m going to hang up on you.

Amy Poehler: [ quickly ] No, I’m going to hang up on you! [ hangs up her cell phone and smiles ]

[ Seth puts his cell phone away ]

Seth Meyers: Sorry about that. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week, and —

Amy Poehler: [ leans into Seth’s frame ] You don’t hang up on me, Meyers.. you’re not better than me.. what, do you think you’re so great? I’m from New Hamps-hiiiiiiire!! I’m on Up-daaaate!!

Seth Meyers: Alright, you know what? Here, have some coffee. [ holds up a cup ]

Amy Poehler: No! I want some COFFEE!! [ grabs the cup ] This is MY idea! [ chugs the coffee ]

Seth Meyers: [ to the audience ] This will sober her up. It usually works pretty soon.

Amy Poehler: [ returns to her position at the desk, shakes her head ] Where am I..? What did I do, where are my pants?

Together: [ smiling ] Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody!!

[ the audience cheers ]

Amy Poehler: A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. But, just to be safe, I’m gonna shoot him. [ audience groans ]

James Brown was finally laid to rest Saturday, at the home of one of his daughters. The body was placed in a mausoleum, with the simple inscription “I felt good.”

Seth Meyers: To help celebrate the 30th anniversary of “Star Wars”, the Postal Service is preparing new mailboxes painted to look like R2D2, even though everyone knows that it’s C3PO that really wants to hold your package.

This year’s Iditarod sled dog race was won by Lance Mackie — or, as his sled dogs call him: “Dead Weight.”

Amy Poehler: Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday, where she adopted a three-year old boy. The boy is excited to ocme to America, but a little bummed about having to quit his job.

Police in Nebraska say that two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside — while Brian Seltzer waited in the car.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 24th, 2007

Peyton Manning

Carrie Underwood

None

Archie Manning

Eli Manning

Olivia Manning

Dan Aykroyd

Cooper Manning

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Alberto Gonzales (Fred Armisen) reacts nervously as President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) speaks about him to the nation.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Alberto Gonzales.

Montage

Peyton Manning’s MonologueSummary: Peyton Manning tells the audience what inspires him and introduces his family.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Amy Poehler played a Patriots fan who heckles Manning from the audience.

Bio: Peyton Manning (1976-). Athlete; quarterback for Indianapolis Colts since 1998; MVP at Super Bowl XLI (2007); runs his own charity organization, the Peyback Foundation.

Bio: Archie Manning (1949-). Athlete; best remembered as quarterback for New Orleans Saints, 1971-82.

Bio: Eli Manning (1981-). Athlete; quarterback for New York Giants since 2004.

Transcript

United WaySummary: Peyton Manning treats young kids roughly while serving as their mentor.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with an attractive zookeeper (Peyton Manning).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool PartySummary: A ditzy secretary (Amy Poehler) has managed a perfect pool score by making picks that have nothing to do with sports knowledge.

Transcript

Penelope the Party PooperSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups party guests.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s parody of educational children’s cartoons, little explorer Maraka and her pet cat seek audience participation to rescue a baby penguin.

Transcript

Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his basketball team’s impending loss by playing the 1967 theme from “Casino Royale.”

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Before He Cheats”Bio: Carrie Underwood (1983-). Country pop singer/songwriter; fourth season winner from “American Idol”.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his bid to run for President in 2008. Seth Meyers discusses the fate of a polar bear cub during “Zoo News.” The song stylings of “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), brings audience members (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) and Dan Aykroyd to tears.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Sanjaya.

300Summary: While filming a climactic scene from “300”, an actor (Peyton Manning) frustrates the film’s director (Jason Sudeikis) by refusing to throw a large rock at a fellow actor (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Wasted”

Coffee ChatSummary: Porch sitter (Kristen Wiig) and her husband (Peyton Manning) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking coffee on their back porch.

Recurring Characters: Porch Sitter.

Transcript

Meatloaf LoversSummary: Peyton Manning loves the new Mercedes-550 because he can cook a tasty meat loaf while he drives pantsless.

Transcript

Air Force OneSummary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don’t have basketball skills.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsals for the last three episodes.

Transcript

GoodnightsBio: Cooper Manning (1974-). Oldest Manning brother, and the only one of the three who did not pursue a career in professional football.

Transcript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jojo the BusboySummary: Spunky country club valet, Jojo (Amy Poehler), hits on female tennis player (Maya Rudolph).

Prison Folk GroupSummary: Prisoners react violently to a pair of effeminate folk singers (Peyton Manning, Fred Armisen) performing for them.

Vegas RevueSummary: Two women (Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) in Las Vegas are eager to see an Elvis impersonator (Peyton Manning) perform.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance.

Mrs. HastingsSummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) tries to seduce Peyton Manning at a party.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

SNL Transcripts