Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd
Venusian…..Maya Rudolph

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!

Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.

Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!

Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.

Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!

Scientist: What did Earth say?

Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!

Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]

Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!

Venusian: Creatures, who are you?

Astronaut Jones: Sweet!

Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!

Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..

Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!

Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!

Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!

Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..

Astronaut Jones: Right on!

Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!

Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!

Venusian: Earth creatures..

Astronaut Jones: What?

Venusian: My name is Vanella..

Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..

Venusian: You are not welcome here..

Astronaut Jones: I know this.

Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.

Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!

Venusian: We are a hostile race..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..

Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..

Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!

Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm..

Venusian: I have warned you..

Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.

Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?

Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!

Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!

Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!

[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]

Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know I’ve been wantin’ to get you pregnant!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Dan Aykroyd’s Monologue

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jim Belushi

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks a lot! Wow, wow, wow! what a bea-u-ti-ful night in Manhatten! For those of you who may not be aware, I worked here from 1975 until 1979. Thank you! All this week, everyone’s been asking me why it’s taken me 24 years to come back and host. Well, the reason is – the first cast, we were rebels! John Belushi used to say, “Why should we have a host? We can do it ourselves!” And, uh.. well.. you know, the only time I stood here on Home Base.. was with John Belushi when we were The Blues Brothers. [ audience cheers ] Well.. he’s, uh.. he’s not here tonight; he’s somewhere, but he’s not here tonight. But.. I’ve got his brother Jim. So.. let’s just do this!

[ lights go up, as Jim Belushi steps out as an alternate Blues Brother ]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to Studio 8-H, at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City! Would you please welcome from Hollywood, California, the internationally-renowned star of stage, television and recording: Mr. James “Cool Diamond” Belushi! We are the world-famous Dancing Refrigerators! I am a man of avocado. I’m a man of plum. This is the Have Love Will Travel Review!

[ the break into the Outsiders classic “Time Won’t Let Me” ]

Dan Aykroyd:
“I can’t wait forever
Even though you want me to
I can’t wait forever
To know if you’ll be true
Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…eeWait that long!”

Sing it!

Jim Belushi:
“Can’t you see I’ve waited so longTo love you, to hold you, in my arms.”

Together:
“Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…ee!”

Jim Belushi: Wait long!

[ instrumental break ]

Together: “Ahhh…ahhh…ahhh…ah!”

Jim Belushi: Wait that long!

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! We’ve got a fun-packed show! The spectacular Beyonce is here! It’s Tracy and Kattan’s last show! Final season finale! We’ll be right back! Season finale!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Top O’ The Morning To You

Patrick Fitzwilliams…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Patrick Fitzpatrick…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: You’re watching RTE – Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 a.m., and next up – it’s “Top O’ The Morning'”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ dissolve to barroom set, Patrick and William perched on their bar stools ]

Patrick Fitzwilliams: It’s 9:30 a.m. – welcome to “Top O’ The Mornin'”! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzwatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes – so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Go to your Toolbar, click on File, drag down the Menu, and save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Colin Farrell’s Anti-Bacterial Cream.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You put it on when you can’t remember where you put it last night.

William Fitzpatrick: That’s Colin Farrell! The #1 name in anti-bacterial genital creams.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Say, William.. how did you get that black eye there?

William Fitzpatrick: Ah. It’s funny you should ask. Last night, you punched me in the eye.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: No, you didn’t.

William Fitzpatrick: Aye. I remember it well. We were doing shots of Tequila..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

William Fitzpatrick: That’s not how I remember it at all. As I recall, it was a different scene altogether..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: See? It wasn’t Tequila, it was Jaeger.

William Fitzpatrick: It was Jaeger!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It was!

William Fitzpatrick: I’m very sorry. You know what? I clearly owe you an apology.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I forgive you.

William Fitzpatrick: How about a shot, then?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Two Jaegers.

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers! [ they chug ]

William Fitzpatrick: Alright. Our first guest is someone very close to my heart. Please welcome me dad – Patrick Fitzpatrick!

[ Williams dad steps out, escprting his other young children out across the set ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: How are ya’, lads? You remember the children – Shawn, Molly, Patrick, Chevon, Shannon, Finnigan.. another Shawn, Brendan, Roland, Colleen, Mary, Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Kay, Pat, Kate and Allie, Hannah, Carrey, Clair and all the rest of them!

William Fitzpatrick: What are you thinking, Dad? Why did you have to being out all of the kids?

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Well, William, I was covering for your mother. She went up to Kilkenny for the St. George’s Sodabread Bake-Off. [ yelling off-camera ] Erin! Get off the cigarette machine! Don’t let me tell you twice!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, I thought I told you – I hate it when you bring your family over. It’s like you’re related to Darby O’Gill and the Little People.

William Fitzpatrick: Well, excuse me, Patrick.. but I’m under a little bit of pressure being the oldest of 23! Don’t get me wrong – I’d love to stroll through life with only 14 brothers and sisters like yourself.. but I haven’t been quite so blessed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It is true that Mr. Fitzpatrick has the most powerful and accurate seed.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ honored ] That’s right! You got it right – I hot what I aim for! [ looks off-screen ] Aiden! Lorken! Loxen! Liam! Get over there with Conan, Shawna, Shadea, Claren, Owen! [ grabs one of the kids carrying a beer as he runs past ] Ah-ah! Joseph.. what did we say? Not until you’re thirteen. [ to Patrick and William ] He knows his whiskey, though.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, if you don’t do something, I’m gonna lose it.

William Fitzpatrick: Don’t worry, Patrick. I happen to have a jar full of Irish children’s favorite sweets. Hey, kids! Who wants a hard-boiled egg! I’ve got boiled eggs for everyone! [ the kids gather round for some candy ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let me have one! [ grabs an egg ] Now, Mr. Fitzpatrick.. now, William tells me that you’re- [ attempts to crack egg open, but gets splashed by its contents ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ohhhh, I have!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ wiping broken egg off his shirt ] You forgot to boil the eggs, didn’t you?

William Fitzpatrick: [ embarrassed ] Yes, now.. it seems to appear that I have forgotten to.. boil the eggs. Yeah. I suppose you’ll be wanting to go over to the Punching Wall.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah.

[ they walk over to the Punching Wall ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You know what? Maybe I don’t need to punch the wall, you know? The walk really cooled me down a bit.. [ the kids begin to throw the eggs at Patrick ] Stinkin’ brats! [ punches a huge hole in the wall, revealing one of William’s younger siblings back there ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Fiona, there you are. My apologies. This one likes to get into walls.. Ahhh, they’re adorable, aren’t they? But.. you know..

William Fitzpatrick: [ wiping at his dad’s face ] You’ve got some egg on your face..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: It won’t be the first time!

William Fitzpatrick: It looks good on you, you wear it well.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Yeah, I do.. [ wraps his arm around William ] You never forget your first child..

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, boy..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ with a tear in his eye ] And you will always be.. my baby boy, William.

William Fitzpatrick: [ panicking ] Please, Dad! Not here!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now! Not now!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Not.. here, in this place.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now, at this time.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now!

William Fitzpatrick: You’ve got to pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let’s have a shot, then!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Right on!

William Fitzpatrick: [ quickly pours the shots ] There you are! Cheers, everyone!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Cheers!

[ they chug their shots quickly ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ahhhh, that’ll make it right.. [ another noise from the kids is heard off-screen ] Cara! Ann! No throwing your sister! And this time, I mean it! Megan! Go sit with Julio!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ confused ] Julio?

William Fitzpatrick: We, uh.. we ran out of Irish names.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Oh. [ Irish music pots up ] Well, that’s all the time we have! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: And I am Patrick Fitzpatrick!

All Three: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
……Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Today Show anchor Matt Lauer, who switched place with a New York City cabdriver last week, is now being sent to do a show from the north Korean border. In related news, it’s finally dawning on Lauer that somebody at The Today Show hates him.

This week, 60-year-old church worker Mimi Fahnestock revealed that she had an affair with President Kennedy when she was a 19-year-old White House intern. In a less-publicized story, 51-year-old church worker Margaret Wallinback revealed that she used to masturbate to thoughts of Richard Nixon.

Fahnestock said that she finally went public with her Kennedy story because “It’s a gift that my daughters know this is a piece of my history, adding, “I hope it inspires them to do great men.”

Carol Channing, the 82-year-old actress best known for her role in “Hello Dolly”, married her 83-year-old childhood sweetheart. The wedding was reportedly tasteful and classy, and the honeymoon was disgusting.

“American Idol” is now down to its final two contestants, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken, in what is sure to be the ultimate battle of the sexes.

[ image of New York Times behind Tina’s head ]

Tina Fey: “Hi! I’d like to start getting home delivery of the Sunday New york Times. I like the fabricated interviews; he goes straight for the plagierized articles.”

This week, the New York Times made public the details of disgraced reporter Jayson Blair, who was found to have made up or plagierized dozens of articles for the venrable paper. The Times finally caught Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq, when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield.

Rival paper The New York Post has seized the opportunity to criticize The Times over the scandal. One article in The Post went so far as to say: “Them snobs ain’t so klassy now, our they?”

[ from out of nowhere, Cyndi Lauper’s “Giels Just Want To Have Fun” can be heard moving closer ]

Jimmy Fallon: What? Where’s that music coming from?

Tina Fey: I don’t know..

[ Drunk Girl, wearing a skimpy bikini and carrying a boombox appears at the desk ]

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl..

Drunk Girl: What are you guys doing in my tanning bed? I only paid for ten minutes, so.. boot SCOOT it! [ climbs on top the desk and stretches out ]

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, you need to shave, man..

Drunk Girl: Keep your eyes off my tasties, Jim-my Fall-on.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s like a car wreck – I can’t help it!

Drunk Girl: Shuttup! [ a beat ] I can’t wait for the party after the show.. Do you wanna know what I’m gonna do at the SNL after-party?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what I’m gonna do?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: D’you knowww what’m gonn’do?

Jimmy Fallon: No, no..

Drunk Girl: D’younnnnow’gonndo..?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you know-o?

Jimmy Fallon: No!

Drunk Girl: [ squealing ] I’m gonna make out with Don Pardo! ‘Cause he’s a fath-er fig-ure!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out, will’ya? Get out of here?

Drunk Girl: What? [ turns her back to the audience, and proceeds to remove her top while facing Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: No.. please don’t do this.. That’s actually gross..

Drunk Girl: One day.. one day I’m gonna use these to feed our baby!

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody.

[ Drunk Girl climbs down from the desk and meanders her way out into the audience ]

Plans are in the works to transform the Meadowlands in Hackensack, New Jersey into an ecological preserve that would be ten times the size of Central Park. This will finally give guidos a chance to run free in their natural habitat.

ABC announced this week that John Stossel will join Barbara Walters as co-host of the news magazine show “20/20”, while Hugh Downs will simply be rolled three feet to the left and never told.

A lizard head found May 2nd by a customer in a carry-out salad in a Sante Few Applebee’s Restaurant, has tested negative for salmenella. So come to Applebee’s, where the lizard heads in the salads are always salmanella-free!

Tina Fey: The Flight Club, a strip club in Detroit, plans to charter jets to Las Vegas for its customers, complete with 20 dancers and scantily-clad flight attendants.

Jimmy Fallon: What’s the first rule of Flight Club, Tina?

Tina Fey: Oh, no.. am I about to get punched..?

Jimmy Fallon: There is no Flight Club! [ punches Tina in the face ]

Tina Fey: Ow! I always forget that!

NBC is reportedly trying to get Heather locklear to join the cast of “Good Morning, Miami”. But, so far, she’s been kicking too hard for them to get her in the van.

USA Today reports that counterfeiters have successfully slipped mislabeled and even fake drugs into U.S. pharmacies. This has led the FDA to remind patients that their heart pills should not have a peanut in the middle.

Congratulations to Oklahoma State University’s oldest graduate this Spring. 62-year-old Steven Baker Little, former alcoholic homeless man, who has earned a degree in English. Ironically, in today’s job market, an English degree best qualifies a person to become an alcoholic homeless man.

The 43-year old son of Louis Farrakhan was arrested after a hit-and-run incident in Indiana, while driving his Humvee. It’s a good thing police got his license plate number, because, without it, the only thing they had to go on was a black man in a bow tie driving a yellow Humvee through Indiana.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s a bittersweet week for us here at “Saturday Night Live”, as Chris Kattan is performing on his final show after a fantastic 7-year career

Tina Fey: Here now, with a terrible re-enactment of that career, is our own Chris Kattan!

[ Chris Kattan appears ]

Chris Kattan: Thank you, Jimmy.. Tina. Let’s begin.

[ Haddaway’s “What Is love?” pots up, with the SUPER: “A Roxbury Guy” ]

Chris Kattan: [ bopping his head and pointing from himself to the camera ] Me, him? Him, me? Me, him?

[ music stops, Kattan reaches down for his Goth wig and puts it on his head; SUPER: “Azrael Abyss” ]

Chris Kattan: My name’s Azrael Abyss! and I’m the Prince of Sorrow!

[ Kattan removes the wig and grabs an appple; SUPER: “Mr. Peepers” ]

Chris Kattan: Bak! Bak! [ chews apple rapidly and spits it to the floor ]

[ SUPER: “Antonio Banderas” ]

Chris Kattan: But I must! [ mimes unbuttoning his shirt to sexy guitar music ]

[ Kattan puts on a pair of glasses; SUPER: “Suel Forrestor: The Gibberish Guy” ]

Chris Kattan: [ mumbles incoherently ]

[ Britney Spears’ “Oops.. I Did It Again” pots up, as Chris Parnell stands at Kattan’s left; SUPER: “DeMarco Brothers” ]

Chris Kattan: [ mimes holding his nose to recover from a fart ]

[ Parnell exits; “SUPER: “Al Pacino” ]

Chris Kattan: Hoo-ahh!

[ SUPER: “The Crocodile Hunter” ]

Chris Kattan: It’s the hoiloight of mah loife!

[ SUPER: “Mary Katherine Gallagher” ]

Chris Kattan: [ holds his arms up in the air ] Superstar!! [ shakes his head ] Sorry.. that’s not mine..

[ SUPER: “David Gest” ]

Chris Kattan: Uh.. Li-za..

[ SUPER: “Gay Hitler” ]

Chris Kattan: [ holds fingers under the nose to represent a moustache ] Sprechen sie dick!

[ SUPER: “And fonally, for the last time, ladies and gentlemen” ]

Chris Kattan: [ puts on Mango cap and tears off his clothes to reveal Mango costume underneath ] No! You CAN’T have-a da Mango!

[ Queen’s “We Are The Champions” pots up ]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chris Kattan!

With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Career Day

Teacher…..Amy Poehler
Capt. Jack Kelly…..Jeff Gordon
Mr. Corbin…..Seth Meyers

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Okay, class. Class. Today is Career Day, and Julia and P.J.’s dads have come to talk to you about what they do for a living. Mr. Kelly is a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force.

Kids: [ excited ] Wowwww!!

Teacher: And Mr. Corbin.. sells carpet. [ no response from the disinterested kids ] Okay, um.. Mr. Kelly, why don’t you go first?

Mr. Corbin: [ aware of the great potential of doom for his situation ] Uh, you sure you don’t want me to go first?

Teacher: No-o-o, we’re fine!

Mr. Corbin: Uh.. I think it would be better if I went first.

Teacher: I’m sure it doesn’t matter.

Capt. Jack Kelly: Hello there, kids! My name is Capt. Jack Kelly, but you can call me Cougar.

Kids: [ more excited ] Hi, Cougar!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: I’m a pilot in the United States Air Force, the greatest Air Force in the world! I’ve flown over a hundred missions, and, one time, a bad guy shot my wing off – I had to jump out of my plane and use my parachute.

Kids: Woww!!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Let’s see.. if I had to sum up my job, I’d say that I get to move faster than any human being on Earth. My life’s like a video game. And I’m proud that I get to keep the world a little bit safer for squirts like you!

Kids: Yay!!!!

Teacher: Thank you, Captain!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Call me Cougar, darlin’!

Teacher: Oh, well! [ giggles ] Thank you, Cougar! Well! [ pause ] Mr. Corbin? Whenever you’re ready.

Mr. Corbin: [ stands, unsure where to start ] Uh.. hey there, kiddos. Um.. my name’s Mr. Corbin.. but you can call me Glen! [ no response ] Uh.. I am a carpeting and flooring salesman for Carpet Solutions.. and I really wish I had gone first!

Teacher: [ laying it on thick ] You’re doing great.

Mr. Corbin: Uh.. there are over fifteen different kinds of carpet: wool.. uh, wool blend.. acrylic.. acrylic blend.. I, uh.. I also sell linoleum..

P.J.: This is so boring!

Teacher: P.J.! That is no way to talk to your father!

Capt. Jack Kelly: [ stands to defend Mr. Corbin ] Come on now, that’s right, troops. You know, let’s focus up here – carpet’s important! I’ll never forget the time when I walked down that long red carpet, when I met the President!

Kids: [ impressed ] Wowww!!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: But that’s my story, I’m sorry.. go on, Glen. [ takes his seat ]

Mr. Corbin: Yeah, I’m done.

Teacher: Yeah. Okay.. okay.. great! Great? Yes! [ encourages kids to clap ] Now, we asked each of our guests to bring something from their jobs. Let’s start with, uh.. Captain Cougar?

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, I hope y’all don’t mind, but I thought I might bring some genuine Air Force pilots wings, for my new co-pilots!

Kids: Wow!!!! [ start grabbing for the wings ]

Capt. Jack Kelly: Slow down, now! There’s plenty to go around, plenty to go around. As a matter of fact.. [ approaches the teacher ] ..I thought that maybe I’d just bring a pair for yourself here, lady!

Teacher: Oh! I do might like a pair! [ giggles ] “I do might like a pair!” [ laughs ] Listen to my grammer! Your teacher is flustered! Well, um.. don’t listen to her today! [ Mr. Corbin attempts to sneak out of the classroom, but is caught ] Mr, Corbin, uh.. what did you bring?

Mr. Corbin: Oh, uh.. it is a.. a book.. of.. carpet samples. [ holds up the book ]

Teacher: Do you want to show the class?

Mr. Corbin: [ shakes head ] No.

Teacher: Okay. Well, now it’s time for questions. When we heard we were having such special guests, we wrote down questions for them. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] Okay.. the first question is for Captain Kelly – Cougar! [ laughs ] “How fast does your plane go?”

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. my plane goes about Mach 2 – which is around 1,400 miles per hour.

Kids: Woww!!

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, or about three times as fast as Harry Potter, though!

Kids: Wowwww!!!!

Teacher: That’s, uh.. quite fascinating. Um.. let me, uh.. let me find a question here for Mr. Corbin.. [ fishes desperately for a question for Mr. Corbin ] ..there has to be a question here, Mr. Corbin.. uh.. um.. okay.. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] ..here’s one for Mr. Corbin. Mr. Corbin, uh.. [ improvising to cover up the absence of questions for Mr. Corbin ] ..”What is the coolest trick. you’ve ever done.. in your carpeting store?”

Mr. Corbin: I don’t think that question is for me.

Teacher: Oh no, no.. that’s what it says!

Mr. Corbin: [ downtrodden ] Well, it’s, uh.. not really a trick.. but, if you can get a customer to start thinking about the, uh.. possibility of flooding.. you might get them to upgrade to, uh.. a water-resistant fiber.

Teacher: [ feigning interest ] Wow! Cool beans! Just for fun, um.. Cougar.. what is the coolest trick you’ve ever done in your plane?

Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. I’m a little biased, but, um.. I’m gonna have to pick The Cougar – it’s a triple barrel role inversion. It also happens to be named after me!

Kids: Yayyyy!!!!

Teacher: That’s what I thought! Well, I think that our guests both have very interesting jobs. Now, kids, if you want to see Mr. Corbin’s carpet samples, you can come up and look at them. [ no response ] And Cougar’s plane is in the parking lot, so..

[ the kids run for the door tp go outside and see the plane ]

Mr. Corbin: [ half kidding himself ] These might not be here when you get back! I only get a half-hour for lunch!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow….Tracy Morgan
Robert Forgy….Jeff Gordon
Jose Cruz….Horatio Sanz
Brian’s Mom….Tracy Morgan

Singers:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[Brian walks along a cartoon jungle wearing a safari outfit while cartoon animals pass by. He points to some of the creatures and smiles]

Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

Singers: Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s, Safari Planet!!

[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we’re gonna meet some animals. Two of ’em. One of ’em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let’s get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!

[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Robert Forgy: I’m Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.

Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.

Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.

Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]

Robert Forgy: You’re doing the snake. Uh, I’m not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.

Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!

Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?

Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure

Robert Forgy: That’s right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.

Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake’s arms??

Robert Forgy: Snakes don’t have arms.

Brian Fellow: He’s probably hiding ’em behind his back, and when I’m not looking he’s gonna sucker-punch me!

Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that’s not gonna happen.

Brian Fellow: Well I’m watchin him.

Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it’s not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.

Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?

Robert Forgy: No, of course not!

Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?

Robert Forgy: That’s one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.

Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!

Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.

Brian Fellow: Good go, I don’t need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?

Jose Cruz: Hi, I’m Jose Cruz, uh, from the children’s petting zoo in Rochester.

Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.

Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I’m Jose.

Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?

Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian…I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.

Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?

Jose Cruz: I sure did!

Brian Fellow: I don’t like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.

Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster’s very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.

Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he’s uh, Chinese?

Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.

Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he’s black, then you tell me he’s Chinese. He’s like Tiger Woods?

Jose Cruz: No, he’s the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.

Brian Fellow: I’ve always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?

Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don’t make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.

Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You’ve entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow’s show!

Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I honestly don’t know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.

Jose Cruz: Whatever.

Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?

Jose Cruz: You know what, that’s an excellent question. Sheeps’ horns occur, because of…

[a thought bubble appears above Brian’s head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]

Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you’re right. I DO have arms. But I’m not gonna punch you, I’m gonna punch your mom!

[Brian’s mom appears next to the snake]

Brian’s Mom: Hey Brian baby!

[snake starts punching her in the head]

Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!

Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn’t hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.

[thought bubble appears again, with Brian’s mom and the snake together]

Brian’s Mom: It’s ok, Brian! In fact, we’ve got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I’m getting married!

[Brian’s mom and the snake begin kissing]

Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!

Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don’t even know your mother. I’m gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!

[Jose walks off stage]

Brian Fellow: Well, that’s all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I’m Brian Fellow!!

Thanks to Amy Attanasio for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

The Terrye Funck Show

Terrye Funke…..Chris Parnell
Rickye Funke…..Jeff Gordon

[the beginning of a tape shows “Passions” being taped over by a personal camcorder in a basement. A man walk in front of the camera]

Terrye: [motioning up with hands] Raise it up a little bit, Rickye. I don’t want my big ole’ thighs to show, ok?

[the camera moves up]

Terrye: We’re just gonna shoot this real loose and fat, just like your’s truly here and then we’ll cut it down in editing…it’s showtime!

[he walks back to a table and turns on a boombox and stands to the side of the camera]

Terrye: [singing while holding up pictures of himself in front of the camera] Sometimes we talk about serious things, sometimes we talk about fun things, sometimes I laugh like a baby and you wanna just spank my rump. Wahh! But one thing’s for sure, the Terrye Funk Hour going to be big hit with Uncle Taberick!

[the music stops and Terrye jumps in front of the camera]

Terrye: And here’s Terrye Funke! Hey! [waves] Hi everybody! Thank you so much for buying this tape for five dollars at my mom’s car port sale. Whew! Have we got a show for you today. Hey, do you like my yorkies? [looking at his shirt] This one’s Zach and this one’s Screech. [singing] Hey hey, they’re the Yorkies! People say they yorkie around…

[audience laughs]

Terrye: Oh I’m already going off-script…this show is cooking with Pam! Well I think it’s time to introduce a gentleman that is the only member of my family that of know of that is not a direct product of incest….just yanking your chains mom!

[Terrye goes back and turn on the boombox again]

Terrye: [looking over his shoulder] He’s my favorite cousin, and my cameraman- Mr. Rickye Funke!

[boombox starts playing and Terrye is singing “Abracadabra”. Rickye walks out in front of the camera and starts dancing. Terrye turns off music]Terrye: [to Rickye] “Oh you are so much…” [to audience] “Clearly Rickye got all the cool that I was supposed to get in our family. Thanks Cabbage Patch!

Rickye: I’m not cool? Say what?! Man, I’m super cool!

Terrye: Tell them where you work, Licky Tricky Rickye.

Rickye: [doing karate kicks and punches] I work at…Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios…in the…Su-per…Wal…Mart!

[Rickye does air guitar]

Terrye: Rickye Funke everybody!” [to Rickye] “Now go back and do the camera…

[Terrye sits down and turns on boombox]

Terrye: Ok, um, it’s time to bring out my next guest, you may know him from the first 2 minutes of my show, my favorite cousin Rickye Funke!

[music starts again with Terrye singing “Abracadabra” again. Rickye comes out from behind the camera pulling colored scarves out of his pants. Terrye turns the music off again]

Terrye: [to Rickye] Oh you are too much! Oh, oh wait…you gotta fix the camera: too much head room, tilt it down.

[Rickye gets up and pushes the camera down]

Terrye: Good.

[Rickye waves his hands in front of Terrye before sitting back down]

Terrye: Oh you! Stop that, this is serious…” [crosses legs] “Ok, Rickye thank you so much for being on the first of what I hope is, God willing, many episodes of The Terrye Funke Hour.

Rickye: Well thanks for having me, Terrye and thanks for letting me do my laundry here this afternoon. The smell of your Mom’s dryer sheets kicks ass! [does machine gun motions]

Terrye: Rickye, you are so charismatic! You work at Ollan Mills Photography Studios…

[Rickye jumps up and does karate kicks and punches again]

Rickye: Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios! [sits down]

Terrye: Now I have a question. How on Earth do you make those babies sit still? Babies make me coo-coo-coo-coodle-doo!

Rickye: Well Terrye, I do a thing called “Where’s the Birdie?”, which I made up.

Terrye: Would you mind giving our audience a demonstration?

[Rickye jumps up and flaps his arms like a bird]

Rickye: Where the birdie? Where’s the birdie? Arck! Arck! Arck!

Terrye: Oh Rickye Funke! You crack my butt sideways! That’s why you’ve got so many girlfriends, you’re always out on the town, whereas Fatboy Not-so-slim over here sits at home everynight watching ‘Dirty Dancing’ with his hand down his p.j’s.

Rickye: Why’d you have to go there, Terrye?

Terrye: Cause nobody else will…

[a buzzer sounds]

Terrye: That sound means the show is over… [puts a tape in boombox]

Rickye: …and my laundry’s dry.

Terrye: Thank you to all my guests, especially Rickye Funke and thank you all for watching the Terrye Funke Hour. I’m Terrye Funk, wishing you sleepover giggles and unicorn dreams!

[turns on boombox and jumps out of sight of camera and as music starts playing, holds up credit cards as music plays. Terrye sings “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” as Rickye does karate moves in the background]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Gary’s Fish Tanks

Gena…..Maya Rudolph
Roger…..Jeff Gordon
Woman 2…..Amy Poehler
Man 2…..Seth Meyers
Repairman 1…..Horatio Sanz
Repairman 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Mr. Daly…..Fred Armisen
Doctor…..Will Forte

[two couples are in a home. One couple is seated on a couch on the left. One man is in front of an aquarium and the other woman is sitting on a couch on the right]

Gena: Thanks for inviting us over. You have a really beautiful house.

Roger: Oh sorry I’m tied up over here.

Woman 2: Oh yeah the aquarium broke down right before you guys came over. We have some repairmen comming over [doorbell rings] That must be them. [she gets up and answers the door. Two repairmen enter] Oh I’m so glad you guys are here.

Repairman 2: Don’t worry ma’am, you’re in good hands.

Repairman 1: Where’s the tank?

Roger: It’s over here guys.

Repairman 2: Whoa! Whoa! What are these? Piranhas?

Roger: No, they’re goldfish.

Repairman 1: Whoa! Sorry Mr. Fish Expert! We’ve got a real Jacques Cousteau over here!

Roger: Well, no I’m not an expert but I do like fish.

Repairman 2: Say no more, my friend and we’ll be outta your way in two seconds over here.

[Roger sits down on the couch beside Woman 2]

Woman 2: Roger, you have to look at these pictures. They are gorgeous! Gena took them on her vacation.

Repairman 2: Hey Bobby, what? Have we got Annie Liebowitz over here?

Repairman 1: We’ve got a freaking Kodak moment up in here!

Gena: Um, excuse me?

Repairman 2: I’m just saying is sounds like you take a lot of photos like Annie Liebowitz or uh, Peter Parker, if you will.

Gena: No, I just happened to take some pictures while I was in Hawaii.

Both Repairmen: Yabo! Hawaii!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a freakin’ Don Ho over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got a “how would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?” over here!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a “pure cane sugar, that’s the one” over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got “book em’ Dano” over here!

Repairman 1: We’ve got kung fu es chin ho over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got… [both do the theme to Hawaii Five-O while making paddling motions]

Both Repairmen: …… over here!

Roger: Hey you guys, how’s the tank coming?

Repairman 2: It’s fine. I think we’ve got the right size filter out in the van.

Roger: Alright, great because we’re just about to have dinner here.

Repairman 2: Dinner? Well, well, well, well, well, well…Dinner!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a frickin’ Chef Boyardee over here!

Repairman 2: [mimicing a DJ scratching a record] Whickety, whick, whick, whick, whick…where’s your white hat, Bobby Flair over here!

Repairman 1: Oh, we’ve got a regular “can you smell what The Rock is cooking” over here!

Repairman 2: It’s like a regular uh, that guy who says bam?

Repairman 1: Bam? I don’t know…

Man 2: Emeril Lagasse!

Both Tepairmen: ….over here!

Roger: [to Man 2] Don’t help them! [to the repairmen] Alright guys, listen, just fix the tank. If you can’t, just leave because my friends and I are just trying to have a good time.

Repairman 1: We’ve got a Jimmie “J.J” Walker over here!

Repairman 2: Temporary layoffs over here.

Woman 2: Stop it! Stop it, the both of you. You’re acting like children.

Repairman 2: Who’s this now, over here? Dr. Benjamin Spock?

Woman 2: Give me a break…

Repairman 1: Give me a break? We’ve got a frickin’ Nell Carter over here!

Repairman 2: Yeah, you’re looking a little like Nell Carter over here. Looks a little like Joe Theisman over here…

Both Repairmen: [singing] Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got a…I’m kinda tapped out now.

Repairman 1: Yeah, I’m tapped out, too, unfortunately.

Repairman 2: Definately not our best work.

Roger: Hey you guys?

Repairman 2: “Hey you guys?” What is this? The Electric Company over here?

Roger: No, I just…

Both Repairmen: [interupting] No eye?!

Repairman 1: What are you? Sammy Davis Jr. over here?

Roger: No I just…

Repairman 2: [singing] Aye, aye, aye, aye, over here…

Repairman 1: [singing] Cantae no yorres over here!

Roger: [standing up] No guys I just…Oh my God, the fish! You’ve killed the fish! All your wisecracks….you killed the fish!

[both repairmen run for the door, knocking picture albums in the floor on the way out]

Woman 2: My family pictures!

[fade to Dr. Sherwood’s psychiatry office]

Mr. Daly: Okay guys, you know why you’re here. You were fired from your last job because you compulsively made wisecracks to the degree that you killed an entire tank of fish. To understand this problem we’ll have to do a few tests. I’m going to say a sentence and you just say the first thing that comes into your head, okay?

Repairman 2: Got a Lorraine Bracco over here….

Mr. Daly: I like movies.

Repairman 2: We’ve got a freakin’ Freakle Furrini over here…

Mr. Daly: I like water.

Repairman 2: We’ve got a frickin’ Hydrogen molecule joined with two oxygen molecules over here…

Mr. Daly: Okay guys, that’s very funny but it’s pretty clear to me that you both have some pretty serious compulsions. [writing on a notepad] I’m gonna recommend that we proceed with a course of aggressive shock therapy.

[a doctor opens the door]

Doctor: Oh my God! Mr. Daly, how did you get out of your room?

[Mr. Daly comes out from behind the desk with his pants around his ankles and screaming and starts crawling around at the Doctor’s feet]

Doctor: I’m sorry, this man is very mentally ill.

[fades to an ad for Gary’s Fish Tanks]

Male Voiceover: Don’t let this happen to you! Call Gary’s Fish Tanks, a name you can trust since 1982.

[fades to black]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Goodnights

…..Jeff Gordon

Jeff Gordon: Thanks to Avril Lavigne, the entire cast and crew! I had a great time, thank you! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Joe Hetero

Joe…..Seth Meyers
Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on image of backside shot of Joe riding on a horse ]

[ SUPER: “Meet Joe” ]

Announcer: This ordinary Joe just inherited a fortune.

[ dissolve to extravagent mansion, visual of women walking out of the mansion ]

[ SUPER: “20 Women” ]

Announcer: And these are the twenty women who are vying for his heart.

[ dissolve to one of the women, who wears a cowboy hat ]

Woman: He’s a hottie!

[ dissolve to Joe slow dancing with that woman ]

Announcer: And this is the secret you’ll know from the very beginning:

[ SUPER: “Joe is stone-cold gay” ]

Announcer: Joe.. is stone-cold gay!

[ dissolve to close-up of Joe ]

Joe: Y’all look fierce in those gowns!

[ dissolve to title graphic ]

Announcer: “Joe Hetero”. Coming soon on FOX.

SNL Transcripts