John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
John Ashcroft: Good evening, America. In the past several weeks, we’ve made significant advances in the war against terrorists forces in Afghanistan. But it’s important to remember that victory against the Taliban will not mean the end of this conflict. Evildoers everyhere should know the noose is tightening on them, as the 1,100 suspected terroists now in our custody have already found out.
The President’s message is clear – if you harbor terrorists within your borders, you are a terrorist.
If you refuse to freeze the assets of organizations known to aid terrorists, you are a terrorist.
If you traffic in weapons of mass destruction, you are a terrorist.
If the return address on your mail reads “A Cave”.. you just might be a terrorist.
If you have just renewed your subscription to a magazine called “Nerve Gas Weekly”, you just might be a terrorist.
If you have a bumper sticker that says “My Child Is An Honor Student At Osama bin Laden’s Terroist Training Camp”, well there exists the outside chance that you might a terrorist!
[ looks up as President George W. Bush enters ] Mr. President!
President George W. Bush: John, I just wanted to come out here and say that I appreciate you getting my message across. But you’re starting to sound just a little like Jeff Foxworthy.
John Ashcroft: I’m sorry, Mr. President, I’m..
President George W. Bush: Hey, hey, sorry nothing! That’s a good thing! I love that guy! You mind if I give it a try?
John Ashcroft: Oh no, of course not.
President George W. Bush: Hello, America. These are trying times. But defeat is not an option. Make no mistake – we will prevail. And let this be a warning – if you have a really long beard, and hang out in the desert, and are not ZZ Top.. you just might be a terrorist.
If your Christmas cards says, “Season’s Greetings, you’ve got anthrax!” maybe, just maybe, you might be a terrorist.
John Ashcroft: If your idea of getting stoned involves actual stones, Id say that you should investigate the possibility that you might be a terrorist.
President George W. Bush: That’s a good one! If you are most familiar with me, George W., as a burning mannequin, perchance you could possibly be a terrorist.
John Ashcroft: If your idea of female nudity is showing an excess of forehead, all signs point to your being a terrorist.
President George W. Bush: If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, you just might be a redneck! Sorry, folks, that one kind of got away from me! But you get the point.
In conclusion, there’s only one thing we need to remember – that if it’s 11:30, and you’re not watching Algazeera, you just might be “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[The Iglesias Brothers Muchos Iglesias title slide is shown]
Announcer: Muchos Iglesias. Its the Iglesias Brothers, singing together for you. Enrique Iglesias
Enrique: [whispering to Heather, who looks lovingly at him while music plays in the background] Let me be your hero. [singing to Heather] “Let me be your hero baby I can kiss away the pain I will stand by you forever You can take my breath away.”
Heather: [crying] Oh my god, I would do anything to be Mrs. Heather Iglesias!
Announcer: Recording with his brother, Julio Iglesias Junior
Julio: [singing to Maya, who is sobbing] Now will you give me just one more chance Im gonna cherish you this I can give me nothing but one more chance Im going to make it alright [he runs his finger along her lips] A choo-choo-choo. A choo-choo-choo.
Maya: [sobbing] I will be the woman that I cant even be for myself for you!
Announcer: And now for the first time performing with their eldest brother, Norberto Iglesias, with his talk/sing poetry.
Norberto: Came home late and I was asleep in front of the TV. You turned it off, but you didnt take my glasses off, and now theyre really bent.Thanks, Susan. You really know how to treat a guy.
Announcer: With the never before released Iglesias brothers trio, Tender Side
Enrique: [singing] Reaching through to your tender side
Julio: [singing] Show me your heart with its angel pride
Enrique & Julio: [singing] Tender side, so tender
Norberto: When you threw out my magazines in the bathroom, its like youre doing it just despite me, because its not like they go bad or something.
Enrique & Julio: [singing] Reaching through to your tender side
Norberto: I gotta level with you, Susan – this just isnt working out. I just want to give you the heads up that when I move out, Ill be taking three of our aquariums.
Enrique & Julio: [singing] Reaching through to your tender side
Announcer: [CD cover is shown] Muchos Iglesias. The two beloved Latin brothers of soul, and the older one with the irregular mole. Available at Tower stores and Iglesias websites everywhere.
[ open on Yankee Stadium, the wives of the Yankees watching the game with passionate interest ]
Shanice Clemens: Come on, Baby, strike him out! Come on!
Clarice Knoblauch: Come on, Roger! Let’s go, Roger!
Shanice Clemens: Oh no! Y’all, my husband’s giving off base hits like crazy!
Clarice Knoblauch: I feel for you, Shanice. When Chuck has a bad game, he makes me sleep out in the yard, because he thinks I’m a jinx. Right, Felice?
Felice Rivera: Strike! Ball! Hit!
Clarice Knoblauch: She’s cute! She’s darling.
[ Patrice Williams and Candy Soreano enter scene ]
Patrice Williams: You guys, we got a new Yankee wife!
Candy Soriano: Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!
Patrice Williams: This is Candy Soriano, come on, sit down. [ they sit ] Alright, as you know, I’m Bernie Williams’ wife, Patrice. This is Chuck Knoblauch’s wife, Clarice. This is Roger Clemens’ wife, Shanice. And that’s Mariano Rivera’s wife, Felice.
Felice Rivera: Get out!
Candy Soriano: Nice to meet you.
Shanice Clemens: Oh, Strike 3, way to go, honey!
[ they cheer ]
Candy Soriano: I didn’t know all the wives sat together.
Shanice Clemens: Oh yeah, honey, we always sit here! We call it the cowpen, because it’s a ladies bullpen!
Clarice Knoblauch: We have the best view of the game, and we can keep an eye on the female fans to make sure they dont get too close to our husbands. Because I will kill them. Ive dedicated fourteen years to this marriage, and Im not gonna let some bleacher slut –
Patrice Williams: Okay Clarice, lets not spiral!
Shanice Clemens: So, tell us, how did you and Alfonso meet?
Candy Soriano: It’s the cutest, sweetest stoy, you guys! I was at Senor Phrogg’s in Jamaica, and Alfonso was juding a bikini contest I was in. And I went up to him, and I was like, “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” And he was like, “You’re just saying that because I play for the Yankees.” And I was like, “You’re right, I am!” And we fell in love. So, how did you meet Roger?
Shanice Clemens: Oh, Roger? He was in an anger management class that I was teaching. Patrice, how did you meet Bernie?
Patrice Williams: Oh, Bernie was performing in a classical guitar recital in the Berkshires, and I was his pageturner. We’ve been making beautiful music ever since.
Clarice Knoblauch: Chuck and I met in high school. We’ve been together fourteen years. You know, I tell him, “You can be traded, but you can’t trade your wife.” [ laughs ] “Just because you’ve got four championship rings doesn’t mean you can have sex with a waitress!”
Patrice Williams: Clarice, no one wants to have sex with Chuck Knoblauch!
Shanice Clemens: How did you meet Mariano, Felice?
Felice Rivera: Line drive! Hot dog! Ball 4!
[ offscreen, Tino Martinez makes a hit ]
Candy Soriano: God, I know I shouldn’t say this, but I think Tino Martinez is super-foxy, girl!
Patrice Williams: I don’t know.. his wife tells me there’s not much to work with.
Shanice Clemens: Y’all, Tino is teeny!
Candy Soriano: I don’t believe that, ’cause I’ve studied that bulge!
Patrice Williams: You know, Jeter is the cute one, Jeter is where it’s at!
[ they all agree, except for Candy ]
Candy Soriano: Mmm.. no.. Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.
Patrice Williams: You’re right, he does! He really does look like that!
Shanice Clemens: So, Clarice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?
Clarice Knoblauch: Great! How’s your cookbook for charity coming?
Shanice Clemens: Good! Patrice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?
Patrice Williams: Oh, good! Felice, cómo su cookbook para la caridad está viniendo?
Felice Rivera: Bien, gracias!
Shanice Clemens: Oh, what charity is your cookbook for, Candy?
Candy Soriano: I haven’t written a cookbook for charity.
[ the wives gasp ]
Clarice Knoblauch: Oh.. honey.. people look up to us. Part of our job is to give back to the community by watching these games and making up chili recipes.
Patrice Williams: Uh-oh, Clarice, you’re not gonna like this, but those girls are back again.
Clarice Knoblauch: Which ones? The ones that flash their boobs on the Jumbotron?
Patrice Williams: Mmm-hmm. They’re coming this way.
Clarice Knoblauch: If those skanks try to talk to my Chuck, I will take a bat to their teeth, I swear to God!
[ two Skanks step forward ]
Skank #1: Hello, ladies, your husbands are looking very sexy tonight. I think I’m gonna sleep with them all!
Wives: You shut up!
Skank #2: Aren’t you Alfonso Soriano’s wife?
Candy Soriano: I certainly am.
Skank #2: [ waving men’s underwear ] Well, tell him that he left his tightie-whities under my Tercel last night!
[ and with that, a brawl breaks out between the wives and the skanks, to fade ]
Client #1…..Horatio Sanz Announcer…..Seth Meyers Client #2…..Ana Gasteyer Client #3…..Seann William Scott Client #4…..Chris Kattan Client #5…..Tracy Morgan
Client #1: Since I bankrupted, I can’t get approved for nothing!
Announcer V/O: Are you having a hard time getting approved?
Client #1: Yes! I said that!
Announcer V/O: Call the professionals at the Approval Center! We cna figure it out.. for you!
Client #1: They asked me a whole lot of stuff about things. [ a beat ] Now, I’m a-pproved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #2: After the tornado, I felt stuck! Then I called the Apprival Center. They asked me osme things – like my first name, and my last name.. And now I’m approved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #2: I can’t wait!
Client #3: I was trying to buy a fishing pole with a bad check. They said, “No way, Jose!” I tried to tell them that I needed it to fish with. They had me forcibly removed from the flea market. I was embarrassed for myselfand my date. That’s when I called the Approval Center. When they answered the phone, they said, “Guess what?” And I said, “What?” And they said, “You’re approved!” And I said, “Awesome!” And then they said, “Okay, bye.” And I said, “Bye!”
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #3: Thanks, Approval Center! Yeah!
Client #4: I never even called.. and they still approved me! I don’t know what.. I’m approved for.. but I know it feels really, really, really, really good! Finally! I’m approved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #5: I called the Approval Center, and they hooked me up! They just asked me a few questions, like “Do you want to be approved?” And I sai, “Yes!” And then they asked me, “Did you hear me ask you this question?” I said, “Yeah!” Then they said I was approved! Now my brother’s people will have to respect me! Because I was approved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Jingle: “When you’re in a rut And you need a break! Call the Approval Center!”
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Tracy Morgan Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
Last night, the Taliban offered to release eight westerners currently on trial in Afghanistan, if the U.S. agreed not to attack. The State Department declined, but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying, “It really felt good to laugh again.”
Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can do to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while “Inside Schwartz” boldly did away with humor altogether.
“The Weakest Link” is filming a Newsmaker’s edition with Darva Conger, Kato Kaelin, Tonya Harding, Gennifer Flowers, Leif Garrett, Puck and Todd Bridges. Hmm.. who’s one Corey Feldman short of a total suckfest? The contestants will all be playing for the same charity – themselves.
Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris announced she is running for Congress. Though she may run unopposed, many believe it will still be an ugly campaign.
A London newspaper is reporting that Sean “Puffy” Combs has hired a proper English butler named Farnsworth. So far, it’s working out great, except that everytime Puffy comes home, the butler instinictlvely calls the police.
Barry Bonds broke Mark Maguire’s single-season home run record Friday night, hitting his 71st and 72nd home run of the season. When reached for comment, Maguire said, “Bonds make Maguire angry!!”
Jimmy Fallon: On Friday, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak angrily criticized America’s support of the Palistinian state. Barak’s remarks add to the tension in the Middle East, and may threaten our coilition. Here now, with a Visceral Editorial, is Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Oh, Isreal! You know we’re friends! Ugh! This is not the time! Uggghhh!
Jimmy Fallon: This has been a Visceral Editorial.
Workmen in Dublin have dug up a mysterious stone and metal box archeologists believe is a time capsule buried 200 years ago. Though it has not been opened, many hope it contains Ireland’s long-lost “good” recipes.
After hearing about the 200-year-old discovery, Sen. Strom Thurmond said, “So, that’s where I put that!”
In women’s health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen, just like Michael Jackson’s penis.
Jimmy Fallon: Now, here to set the record straight is our own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Say, Jimbo!
Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, man!
Tracy Morgan: I know in the past, I’ve popped a lot of jokes about the police and how they get down. And I’ll be driving in my lavender-colored Jaguar with the hip-hop blaring, and they pulled me over for no reason. And I would be pissed off, you know? But never again. I’m here to set the record straight – I like racial profiling. I got new eyes! Racial profiling is a good thing! Officers, I support you. And I dont care if the dude is white, black, green, blue, whatever. If something doesnt look right, shake him down. Now, I’m not saying to beat his ass, or nothing like that.. but just shake him down! See what’s happening.
You working at the airport, and someone looks suspicious? Shake him down! He got a long ZZ Top beard? Shake him down! You see a pasty-faced white dude with a “Jesus Saves” backpack wrapped in the Confederate flag? Shake him down? The dude got his head all wrapped up, and he ain’t Erika Badyu? Shake him down! Hey! They probably ain’t even guilty, but shake them down! They’ll get over it. Look at me, I have! [ laughs ] So, law enforecement officers, Tracy Morgan completely understands racial profiling. I support you. And remember – if a guy’s got a little bit of weed in his car, and he ain’t hurting nobody, don’t make me throw it out.
Jimmy Fallon: Tracy Morgan, everybody!
A source says that Jennifer Lopez purchased a $120,000 gold Cadillac to match her sunglasses. And reportedly spent $15,000 on her wedding-day hairdo. Experts say JLo’s spending shows she is well on her way to a hilarious “Behind The Music”.
Documentary guru Rick Burns announced this week that he will produce a documentary about all 50 states. Burns reportedly came up with the idea while trying to bore himself to death.
Researchers have been able to teach sparrows how to differentiate one language from another. Experts say this is a giant step toward their goal of teaching birds racism.
Jimmy Fallon: Last week in Colorado, a man drank over half a bottle of fruit juice before finding what appeared to be a severed human penis in it.
Tina Fey: Jimmy, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Jimmy Fallon: Yes, I am, Tina. It’s time for “Weekend Update Joke-Off”. Alright, ready? A man found a severed human penis in a bottle of fruit juice. And.. go!
Tina Fey: Uh.. Hmm.. tastes like freshly-squeezed!
Jimmy Fallon: Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail!
Tina Fey: That was a penis? I thought it was a crazy straw!
Jimmy Fallon: And you thought Tropicana Girl’s Hand was pulpy!
Tina Fey: Wait’ll you hear what he found in his bag of nuts!
Jimmy Fallon: What brand was it? Man-sucket Nectars?
Tina Fey: Uh.. man, that guy really got the shaft!
Jimmy Fallon: Very nice. Tina Fey! Tina Fey wins, ladies and gentlemen!
Stevie Wonder is being sued for over $40 million by an ex-girlfriend who claims the singer agreed to support her after he gave her genital herpes. In response, Stevie said, “I have never seen that wman before in my life.”
Tina Fey: Even with summer officially over, the recent wave of shark attacks has not yet ceased. Officials warn that sharks –
[ doorbell rings ]
Land Shark: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Let’s see who it is.. Who is it?
Land Shark: Mrs. Kalflogginnn..
Tina Fey: Who?
Land Shark: Dr. Grrrowpo..
Tina Fey: Excuse me?
Land Shark: Uh.. uh.. I have a package for Mr. Feldenn..
Tina Fey: I’m sorry?
Land Shark: Domino’s Pizza?
Tina Fey: We didn’t order a pizza.
Land Shark: Candygram.
Tina Fey: They don’t even have those anymore.
Land Shark: Oh, they don’t? Uh.. uh.. Publisher’s Clearing House. Congratulations, Miss.
Tina Fey: Ooh, I won?! Oh, why didn’t you say so! [ opens door, Land Shark gobbles her up ] Aaaggghhh!!!
Jimmy Fallon: On behalf of Tina Fey, for “Weekend Update”, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Land Shark: And Im not. Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.
…..Sean William Scott Silent Film Actor…..Horatio Sanz Gorgeous Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean William Scott: Thank you, thank you, thank you. My name is Sean William Scott and I am hosting Saturday Night Live.Yeah, That’s right! Yeah. I know you probably know me best as Stiffler from the American Pie movies. But you know what, there’s more to me then just getting peed on. Yeah yeah, or drinking a beer that has some guy’s sperm in it. It’s true. I actually come from a long line of pretty distinguished actors.
My great-grand-father Reginold William Scott was one of the first silent film stars in American history (cheers) Yeah, I actually brought a clip from one of his movies made back in 1918, check it out!
(Black and white silent film style clip shown. Sean William Scott andHoratio Sanz are laughing. Horatio speaks the words are shown in the next frame in silent film fashion.)
SUPER: “Say there, Mr. S, care for a quaff of this tasty brew?”
(R.W. Scott takes a drink and speaks as if pleased, the words read…)
SUPER: “This is a grand ale fit for President Harding himself. What, pray tell, makes it so savory?”
(Horatio looks mischievous, says something. The frame reads…)
SUPER: “Why, mine own ejaculate of course”
(R.W. Scott looks discussed, pushes the cup away and appears to proclaim, “mother f–ker” the frame reads…)
SUPER: “Darn you!”
(cut back to Monologue)
Sean William Scott: Thank you, I’m proud of that one. They don’t really show it anymore. But a few years later my great grandfather William Bill William Scott made his mark in a series of detective thrillers. Here’s one of them.
(Cut to a black and white shot of a detective’s office. W.B.W. Scott sits at a desk while his voice narate the scene)
William Bill William Scott: I had just closed up for the night when five feet seven inches of trouble walked right into my door. A real knock out. I didn’t know whether to read her her rights or to ask her to marry me right then and there. She sat down and crossed those gorgeous gamms while I tried to play it cool. So I cracked open a beer and took a sip. Damm, some dude had jizzed in it.
(Cut back to monologue)
Sean William Scott: That was awesome! Thank you. Then my grandfather Bing William Scott stared in some of the first moviemusicals. Here’s one of them.
(Cut to a Technicolor street set in the middle of a rainstorm. To thetune of “Singing in the Rain,” B.W. Scott dances on in a rain coat andsings…)
Bing William Scott: “There’s semen in the beer There’s semen in the beer He jerked in it the cup and I totally drank it”
(chorus appears and sings) “He totally drank it, the beer with the jiz”
(dance around and end in typical musical poise)
(cut back to monologue)
Sean William Scott: That one was my favorite. I hope I can hold up to the Scott family tradition tonight. Anyway we have a great show Sum 41 is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.
Clerk #1…..Jimmy Fallon Clerk #2…..Seann William Scott Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz Boss…..Will Ferrell Customer #1…..Chris Kattan Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
[open on clerks folding clothes]
Customer #1: Excuse me. You guys carry any DKNY?
[clerks sigh]
Clerk #1: We’re the ones that should be asking DKNY are you wasting our time? Leave.
Clerk #2: Leave now.
Customer #1: Oh, come on. It’s just that I don’t recognize any of the labels in the store.
Clerk #1: [throws garment down] Look, Corky. This is Jeffrey’s. Even our labels have their own labels. [showing his collar]This Salvadore Ferragamo label is made by Armani.
Clerk #2: Yeah, we work at Jeffrey’s. I use five different shampoos for the different hair types on my body. [conceited] That’s my deal!
Clerk #1: [sniffs at Clerk #2] Is that Sahag?
Clerk #2: Are you talking about my eyebrows or my coif?
Clerk #1: [to Customer #1] Now that that’s settled, you officially don’t exist, m’kay?
Customer #1: But I was only-
Clerk #2: Oh, great. You just triggered the boredom force field.
[clerks create imaginary force field around themselves]
Clerk #2: You can’t get in!
Clerk #1: Sorry.
Customer #1: Fine. I’m going to The Men’s Wearhouse. [sneers; exits]
Clerk #2: People shouldn’t.
Clerk #1: Yet they do.
Clerk #2: I know!
[Customer #2 walks up]
Customer #2: Excuse me. Hi. Can you tell me, do you think these pants make my butt look fat?
Clerk #1: Not at all. Your butt looks fat on its own.
Customer #2: What?! That is so rude!
Clerk #1: Look, this is Jeffrey’s. The highest size we carry is 0. Unless you’re on a steady diet of celery and Ex-Lax, you shouldn’t even think of shopping here.
Clerk #2: Now, why don’t you go get that ice cream? You know you want it!
Customer #2: [aggravated] Ooh! I hate this store! [walks away]
Clerk #1: That was toxic.
[clerks apply lotion to their hands in sync; continue folding clothes]
[Customer #3 struts in]
Customer #3: Howdy-do, gents? I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. Could you direct me to the-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come on, fellas.
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come on.
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Co-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: C-
Clerk #1: No!
Clerk #2: No.
Clerk #1: Look. Hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. It’s the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you’re wearing.
Customer #3: [outraged] What?! This jacket is cool! As seen on Miami Vice!
Clerk #2: Miami Vice. Wow. Which one are you? Crockett? Or Tubbs?
[clerks Hmm sarcastically to each other; customer Hmms mockingly]
Customer #3: What are you guys telling me? I’m fat?
Clerk #1: I think the door told you that when you had to walk in here sideways.
Customer #3: [unsure] Well you should walk sideways and get my fist hit in your mouth and store outlet
Clerk #1: You happy with that? I don’t want you kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home, thinking that you should’ve said something remotely clever.
Customer #3: Oh really? Let me bring you guys in on a little something. The eighties are bizzack! Yeah. Just to let you know, I don’t drive a Dodge Omni. My mother picks me up at the bus stop! [laughs] Yeah. [makes hand gestures in front of clerks] Check mate, ding-dongs! [clicks tongue rapidly] Jackpot! Whoo! [exits]
Clerk #1: I can’t believe there are so many people in here that aren’t us.
Clerk #2: Tell me about it. I wish they’d just clone us so we’d have someone more acceptable to look at.
Clerk #1: [chuckles] I am tired.
[boss enters backwards in a motorized wheelchair]
Clerk #2: I’m exhausted! Are you exhausted?
Clerk #1: A little scooch.
Clerk #2: I’d like a nap.
Clerk #1: I’d like one of those Brookstone space blankets I can just stretch my spine on.
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Boss: [climbs off wheelchair] Gentlemen.
[cell phone rings]
Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y’hello?
Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.
Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!
Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size. [uncovers mouthpiece] What? Oh! I like that! Mm-hmm. Grand. We’ll see you then. [hangs up] Chloe Sevigny?
Clerk #1: That’s how you pronounce it.
Boss: Yes. She’s having an unveiling of Justine Bateman’s new line at a barbecue at her loft, okay? You two grab a car service, and I’ll meet you there.
[clerks grab their bags]
Clerk #1: You sure you don’t wanna go with us?
Boss: No, I’m taking my Prada jet pack. I’ll probably beat you there.
[clerks exit; boss flies around aimlessly with jet pack, knocking things over]
Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell Joan Rivers…..Ana Gasteyer Lisa Kudrow…..Maya Rudolph Calista Flockhart…..Rachel Dratch Garry Shandling…..Jeff Richards Della Reese…..Tracy Morgan Pamela Lee…..Amy Poehler Kid Rock…..Chris Kattan James van der Beek…..Seann William Scott Camryn Manheim…..Horatio Sanz Walter Cronkite…..Darrell Hammond
Steve Kmetko: Good evening, I’m Steve Kmetko. Welcome to E! 2001 Emmy’s Pre-Show. I know you’re used to seeing Joan Rivers in this role, but we’re keeping things a little reverent this year, cutting our pre-show coverage down to seven hours. I will be the lone host, as E! feels –
[ Steve is knocked down by a blowdart, which we discover was blown by Joan Rivers, who’s hiding behind a potted plant ]
Joan Rivers: Oh! Oh! Don’t be alarmed! It’s Joan Rivers! My apologies to Steve Kmetko, he’ll wake up eventually! E! said they didn’t want me this year, but I know how to behave, I can be respectful! I met Queen Elizabeth once, and I didn’t even offer her a milkbone or bark! I’m excited to be here! But only the level of excitement that is appropriate! Because Hollywood is dressing down for the occasion, very conservative! Theres less cleavage here than an Amish funeral, it’s wonderful! Oh! Lisa Kudrow! Lisa Kudrow!
Lisa Kudrow: Hi.. Joan..
Joan Rivers: Nominated for “Friends”, you look so plain tonight! God bless you!
Lisa Kudrow: Thank you. It’s important that we do this.
Joan Rivers: You’re always, always the plainest one on “Friends”! But tonight, you’ve really outdone yourself!
Lisa Kudrow: Thank you.. I think..
Joan Rivers: She’s wonderful! Go for it! Oh! Calista Flockhart! Who are you wearing?! Who are you wearing?! Who?!
Calista Flockhart: Gap Kids.
Joan Rivers: Now, normally, I would say you look like a broomstick with nipples, but I’m not gonna say that, because it’s wrong, it’s wrong! I thought you were wonderful at the telethon, so serious!
Calista Flockhart: Thank you. I-I-I-I felt serious. I-i-i-it’s so refreshing for all of us in Hollywood to think outside of ourselves.
Joan Rivers: I know, isn’t it great how we’re not self-obsessed any more! We’re not self-obsessed!
Calista Flockhart: Especially you, Joan.
Joan Rivers: No! You, Calista! Really!
Calista Flockhart: No, no, I-I-I think we’re all changed.
Joan Rivers: We’re not narcissistic anymore!
Calista Flockhart: I know, th-th-that’s all I can think about, is h-h-h-how I’m not narcissistic any more.
Joan Rivers: We’re truly wonderful, we’re just wonderful, wonderful people! Garry Shandling! Garry, how are you?
Garry Shandling: Calista, does my breath smell weird? [ giggles ] Is it me?
Joan Rivers: Garry Shandling, you’re dating Calista Flockhart, which is disgusting! It’s disgusting, it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible! But that’s not what tonight is about! Thank you for being here!
Garry Shandling: Is it, is it my breath? [ giggles ] Or is it your breath bouncing off of me? Because I know your breath is weird because you only eat Mrs. Dash! [ giggles ]
Calista Flockhart: Garry, you are embarrassing me!
Joan Rivers: Oh, look who’s here, Della Reese, “Touched By An Angel!” Oh! Oh! Della, now this is dressing down!
Della Reese: Hi, baby.
Joan Rivers: Oh, Della! Listen, I’ve been so cruel to you in the past, but tonight, in the spirit of patriotism, I’m gonna hold my tonuge, shield my eyes, and say you look gorgeous!
Della Reese: Uh, thank you, honey. You know, they told us to dress in busines attire, so I just wrapped my business in a Hefty bag with some electrical tape.
Joan Rivers: And it looks horrible! And by horrible, I mean solemn and appropriate! God bless you, you’re a wonderful, skunk-haired, crazy old woman! God bless you! Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock! It’s Joan Rivers, don’t be frightened, I’m different tonight. Pamela, I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever said about you looking like or being a whore!
Della Reese: Thank you.
Joan Rivers: You both are so wonderfully uninteresting, what have you done?
Pamela Lee: Um.. well.. I had my jugs taken out.. and I’m auctioning them off on eBay for that United Way fund thing.
Kid Rock: I’ll miss that one the most.
Joan Rivers: A couple of true patriots! So patriotic! [ Pamela and Kid french kiss with open mouthes ] Wonderful! And I understand, out of respect, that you did not have sex in the limo on the way over here tonight, that’s so wonderful!
Pamela Lee: No, it just didn’t seem right.
Kid Rock: So we only had oral sex.
Joan Rivers: God bless you both, God bless! Oh! James van der Beek! You’re not nominated, but what a statement, oh! What are you wearing!
James van der Beek: Joan, this is a Hugo Boss suit covered in manure. Dressing down is simply not enough – I sat under a horse. To send a message to the enemy that we will not let them stop us from living our lives as normal.
Joan Rivers: Message sent, back to normalcy! Oh, and look at this – Camryn Manheim! Oh! Oh, Camryn, I love you, everyone loves you, you’re fat and you’re fun!
Camryn Manheim: Joan, I want to tonight express the freedoms we all have as Americans.
Joan Rivers: [ acknowledging the smudges on Camryn’s dress ] Now, are you also in manure?
Camryn Manheim: No, this is chocolate. I’ve been under a lot of stress. Since this thing happened, Ive just been watching the WE channel and eating Pillsbury frosting.
Joan Rivers: Oh, Camryn, this is driving me crazy! I have so many horrible things that I’m just dying to say to right now! I want to say that you look like a plus-sized Oompa-Loompa, but that’s wrong! It’s wrong! She looks like Lady Godiva after she te the horse, but I can’t say that, and it’s killing me! It’s killing me, oh!
Camryn Manheim: Joan, is your forehead crying?
Joan Rivers: No, thats where my tear ducts are now! You don’t even want to see where I sneeze! What does it all mean!
Walter Cronkite: Joan, what you do is important to the country –
Joan Rivers: Walter Cronkite! You’re opening the show tonight, please put it all in perspective for me!
Walter Cronkite: Well, Joan, your shallow, vicious remarks are the ultimate expression of free speech. If we suppress you simply on the grounds that you’re a hateful, hatchet-faced bitch, surely they will have beaten us.
Joan Rivers: Walter, your words have given me the courage to say, “You look like an Albino bassett hound in that suit!”
Walter Cronkite: [ chuckles ] That’s my girl!
Joan Rivers: Oh! You look like Bea Arthur had sex with a raisin! We’ll be right back!
