Category: 2001

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Jason Stamper…..Seann William Scott
DJ Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers
Jeff…..Jeff Richards
Jill Butt…..Rachel Dratch

[open on a user surfing to “Jarret’s Room” web page]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up, everybody? It’s me, Jarret. Back at Hampshire College for junior year numero tres. You’ll notice a few changes in the show. One, we got a house band, otherwise known as Hampshire College’s resident turntableist-DJ Jonathan Feinstein! [turns camera to DJ]

[DJ spins Daft Punk’s “One More Time”]

Jarret: You probably know Jonathan from last year’s Halloween party, when he played “Monster Mash” for eight straight hours.

[DJ switches to “Monster Mash”; Jarret looks puzzled]

Jarret: [to DJ] Come on, dude, you got four more weeks. [turns camera back] Next, you’ll see that I moved out of Lema Hall and into McGinn. I know what you’re thinking. That’s the dorm where they put all the psycho kids. But it also happens to be right next door to the dining hall. I can smell chickwiches all day long. So even though you’ll occasionally get a naked dude breaking into your room covered in his own poop, it’s totally worth it. Now returning to the show for an unprecedented sixth senior year is my best friend Gobi.

[Gobi enters with bongo drums; audience cheers and applauds]

Jarret: What’s up, man?

[Gobi sings Afroman’s “Because I Got High” aimlessly, then laughs incoherently]

Gobi: Hey, I got a joke for you.

Jarret: Cool, man. Let’s hear it.

Gobi: You know those chips they have? Baked Lays?

Jarret: Yeah…

Gobi: Yeah, it’s like they’re chips, but also it’s like they’re smoking pot. [to camera] Baked Lays! [laughs; sits back down] Yeah. And also the word Lays.

Jarret: What?

Gobi: It’s like two jokes! [laughs] Oh man, it’s funny! [laughs again]

Jarret: Did you think of that all by yourself?

Gobi: Nope! My friend told me. [laughs]

Jarret: Great. Well, it’s the start of the new school year, and you know what that means-new freshmen. And [holds up Freshman Face Book] a new Freshman Face Book. So without further ado, we present the sixth annual Freshman Face Book Awards!

[Jarret and Gobi’s FRESHMAN FACEBOOK AWARDS appears on screen]

Jarret: Here to help us give out this year’s awards is a man who knows a thing or two about first years-they call him the Freshman 15, because every year he ends up getting with at least fifteen freshmen-pleasewelcome our good friend Jason Stamper!

[DJ spins “One More Time” as Jason enters]

Jarret: What’s up, Stamper?

Jason Stamper: [to camera] Two words! Kegg-er! To-night! [continuously] My place. Off campus. Beer pong. Flip cup. Jell-o shot. Booze loose. Quarters. [sits down] We’ve got an above-ground pool filled up with hot water. [conceited] It’s the largest hot tub you’ve ever seen. [back to normal] We got Jonathan Feinstein on the wheels of steel.

[camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “Monster Mash”]

DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [with Australian accent] Check me out this Sunday. I’ll be playing the Parent’s Weekend Waffle Brunch from 10 a.m. to 11:30.

Jarret: Dude, what’s with the accent? You’re from New Jersey.

[DJ angrily stops spinning]

DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [without accent] Not cool, man. Not cool, Jarret.

[camera turns back]

Jason Stamper: Anyway, our first Face Book award is for Best Name. [Gobi does drum roll on bongos] Thank you. And the winner is…[to camera; very pronounced] Jill…Butt!

[everyone laughs; picture of Jill Butt appears on screen]

Jarret: I mean, come on! You’ve been ridiculed through grade school, high school…it’s college! Clean slate! Change your name already! The game hasn’t even started and you’ve already lost!

Jason Stamper: Next award is for Most Likely To Graduate A Virgin. [drum roll] And the winner is…this guy!

[picture of Dennis Eschenberg, a man with unusual-looking braces, appears on screen]

Jarret: What a-what a goof! This guy couldn’t get laid getting off a plane in Hawaii!

Jason Stamper: Next award is the I Swear To God I’m Not A Narc award!

[drum roll]

[picture of Ian Tombelson, a man with an ancient-looking mustache, appears on screen]

Jarret: Nice mustache! Dude, is your middle name Not A Cop?

Jason Stamper: What is this guy, like, 50?

Jarret: Do you live at 21 Jump Street?

[Gobi laughs and wheezes; Jarret pats his back]

Gobi: That girl’s name was Butt!

[everyone laughs]

Jarret: Dude, are you high right now?

Gobi: Hold on. …Hmm. …Hmm. Yep!

[everyone laughs]

Jarret: Dude, it’s 9 in the morning.

Gobi: Wake and bake, dude! [laughs] It’s 4:20 somewhere!

Jason Stamper: No it’s not. Don’t you know how time zones work?

Gobi: Nope.

Jeff: [off screen] Shut up out there!

Jason Stamper: Who’s that?

Jarret: That’s our roommate, Jeff. He’s brand new. He got kicked out of his frat ’cause he kept taking dumps in the washing machine.

Jason Stamper: Oh.

[Jeff enters, punches Jarret in the shoulder, then sits down]

Jeff: Two for looking! I swear to God. If you freaks wake up the girl in my room, you’re dead.

[Jill enters]

Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, come back to bed.

[Jarret, Gobi and Jason try to suppress their laughter]

Jeff: What’s so funny? [frustrated] What’s so funny?

Jason Stamper: Hey Jeff, what’s your girlfriend’s name?

Jeff: [reluctant] Jill.

Jarret: Jill what?

Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, can I keep this shirt?

Jeff: Cool it, Jill! Go wait for me in my room.

[Jill groans]

Jill Butt: [to Jarret, Gobi and Jason] Hey, guys. I’m Jill Butt.

[Jarret, Gobi and Jason laugh]

Jarret: [extending his hand] Uh, hi. Uh, Jarret Ass. Nice to meet you.

Jason Stamper: Yeah. I’m Jason Brown-Eye.

Gobi: Yeah. I’m Gobi…Butt! II!

Jill Butt: You guys are jerks! [exits]

Jeff: You geeks are dead when I get back! [to camera] And by the way, Sigma Chi, just because you kicked me out doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop taking dumps in your washing machine. [exits]

Jarret: All right, that’s all the time we have today. I gotta go drink six Red Bulls before Jason’s party. DJ Jonathan Feinstein, take us OUT!

[camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “One More Time”]

[user closes web page]

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Paula Zahn…..Amy Poehler
Guitar Guy 1…..Jimmy Fallon

Antonio Banderas: Hello.I’m Antonio Banderas. I am-actor. Welcome to the– How do say?– ah yes- show. This is my first show back, in several weeks.When the network asked me to come back to work, i did not know how to do the response.and with all this crazy stuff going around and trying to catch the evil, evil Dalai lama– In my head i think to myself how can i be this sexy?.I look the sexy, but i don’t feel the sexy.

Guitar guy 1: Sexy, you are sexy my friend, you are so the sexy.Guitar guy 2>Completely sexy.

Antonio Banderas: This is true. But before – before we continues, i must get together something off my very, very sexy chest.– I am not a military coup.But i know from playing the Zorro’s, that Zorro’s always believed that you look your enemy in the eye, you wear a mask, but you look in the eye and you make a “Z”, and you wqear a black blouse and a cape. This is what you must do.

Guitar guy1: Very sexy.

Antonio Banderas: Si. But for now we are going to change the show a little bit. We are going to talk to the peoples who do the hard news. Please welcome from the CNN-N-N-N-N news, The Paul Zahn.(Antonio Banderas stands up)

Antonio Banderas: Thank you for coming on this very not-sexy episode of me.

Paula Zahn: It’s a pleasure Antonio.

Antonio Banderas: No, Please, Thank You. Now i’ve been doing the research here for this thing. I read a — How do you say?– ah yes– Book. I also rented the “Rambo 2”, the “Private Benjamin”, the “Kramer versus Kramer”, “The Goonies” and “Zorro” for refreshment.

Antonio Banderas: (raises his hand) Question.

Paula Zahn: Ah, yes.

Antonio Banderas: How would you catch this terrible, terrible Dalai Lamas?

Paula Zahn: Well, Antonio I don’t believe you’re thinking of the Dalai Lama, but the fact is, this is going to be a long-term process. The military has been in—

Antonio Banderas: Wait a minutes here, hold your phones. I can’t help but notice your short skirt barely concealing your friendly wolf blitzers.

Paula Zahn: What are you talking about?

Antonio Banderas: I think i’m feeling the sexy.It’s getting hot in here, no?

Guitar guy 1: No, no don’t do it, it’s too sexy my friend, don’t do it.

Antonio Banderas: You’re right, it’s not time for a sexy

Paula Zahn: Now Donald Rumsfeld said..

Antonio Banderas: (stands up) But i must! (Opens his shirt)Ha!

Antonio Banderas: I’m sorry . Let’s talk about this. How do you say? oops. (Drops a book on the floor), I’m sorry could you please possibly pick that up for me?

Paula Zahn: Sure, I’ll get that for you.(stands up, and bends)

Antonio Banderas: Thank you very much. Freeze. Let me just take a mental polaroid of you. Click!, zzzzzch, ah, it came out to blury. One more.

Paula Zahn: (stands up) Did you just take a picture of my ass?. i am a journalist. Im a CNN anchor. I deal with Power Breakers and Dignitaries everyday. If i wanna be treated like a blonde piece of meat then i should have stayed at Fox News. You are ill-informed, sweaty and you stink like astro-glide and aftershave.

Antonio Banderas: (smiles) hahaha. It is very hot in here ,no?

Guitar guy 1: No, No, don’t do it , it’s too sexy, not today, manana,manana,not today

Antonio Banderas: Are you sure?, Not today?, Today?

Guitar guy 1: Please. There are children at home.

Antonio Banderas: But I must (takes off his shirt)(grabs Paula and hugs her)- Now is the time I give you 2 minutes and i give you the sex.

Paula Zahn: Freak!

Antonio Banderas: But I rented “The Goonies”! (Paula kicks Antonio)- I think i just coughed up my nards.

Guitar guy1: Cough up your nards, too sexy my friend, you’re too sexy.

Antonio Banderas: She’ll be back. For Paula Zahn, she’s like the Laverne, and I.. I’m like a Shirley. And together we will Schlemizl, Schlamazels and then we will have the sex incorporated, but you know what I’m saying. We will see you next time on the– How do you say?– ah yes!. Show.

Submitted by: Mayra

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’d like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden.

Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I’m coming to get you. I’m not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don’t have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s punishing evil-doers. You don’t believe me, there’s over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well.. you can’t ask them right now, but you’ll have a chance real soon. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said “Insufficient Funds”. That’s right – we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too.

Make no mistake: we’re coming for you, bin Laden. I’m gonna make you my own personal “Where’s Waldo”. And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I’m gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I’ll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That’s right. Don’t mess with Texas.

I just want to say thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special

Robert Goulet…… Will Ferrell
Voice Over…… Darrell Hammond
Watson…… Darrell Hammond
Michael Crawford…… Hugh Jackman
Elf……Chris Kattan

Robert Goulet: [singing]
“Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling ding ding ding-a-ling diiiing
It’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with youuuuu.”

Hello. Robert Goulet here. It’s that time of year again. Fruitcakes, mistletoe, channukahs. The whole bag. You know, it’s the holiday season and we over here at the USA Network have cooked up a doozy. It’s the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special, taped live here in fabulous Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

[singing]
“‘Come’, they told me, pa-ra-pa-pa-pum
A new born king to see da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee.”

Stuff like that. And don’t worry there’ll be some Jewish stuff, too.

[sings mockingly]
“Dreidel-doodle-didle Tra-la-dreidel-doodle…”

The dreidel song! But believe me, it doesn’t stop there. Do you like classic rock and roll?

[cuts to Robert Goulet in very bad red and yellow suit singing Proud Mary with back up singers]

Voice Over: It’s the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special. Music, dancing and hilarious comedy spoofs written by Robert himself!

[Cuts to Robert Goulet in Sherlock Holmes costume]

Robert Goulet: Watson! Get in here. I’ve discovered a clue!

Watson: What is it, Mr. Sherlock Holmes? [Starts laughing]

[Both laugh uncontrollably as Robert Goulet pulls out a large pair of women’s underpants from the dresser]

Robert Goulet: It’s Monica Lewinsky’s undergarments! [Cracks up laughing] Oh, I love this political stuff! We’ll cut all this, don’t worry…

Voice Over: It’s Goulet, Robert Goulet, along with Broadway’s hottest stars. Like Michael Crawford.

[Cut to Michael Crawford in ‘Phantom of the Opera’ costume and Robert Goulet wearing a lopsided mask over the top of his sunglasses]

Robert Goulet: [singing] “Floating, falling. Sweet intoxication.”

Michael Crawford: [singing] “Touch me, trust me. Savour each sensation.”

Robert Goulet: “Let the dream begin.”

Michael Crawford: “Let your darker side give in.”

Both: “To the power of the…”

[Goulet falters and Crawford begins to show him up]

Michael Crawford: “…music that I write. The power of the music of the niiiight!”

[Goulet punch Crawford in the stomach]

[Cut to Robert Goulet on rooftop with Elf]

Robert Goulet: [singing]
“Up on the rooftop reindeer paws,
Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
Down through the chimney with lots of toys,
All for the little ones Christmas joys.”

Elf: [singing]
“Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?
Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?”

Robert Goulet: [begins singing] “Up on the rooftop…” [slips and falls off roof] Ow! Ow! If I didn’t break my arm it sure as hell felt like I did… No, I see the bone, I definitely broke it.

[Cuts to Robert Goulet with his arm in plaster as well as Michael Crawford, Elf and back-up singers]

Robert Goulet: So join me, Robert Goulet, and all my friends. Whaddya say we bring this puppy home?

[singing]
“Hurry home for Christmas
Hurry home for Christmas.”

Do you smell smoke?

[Room starts to fill with smoke]

“Hurry Home for Christmas
Till you’re home for Christmas Daaaay… I smell smoke!
Till you get here jingle, dingle, jingle not a single day…”

Good God that’s a lot of smoke! What’s going on here?

[Cast starts to walk off stage]

“Since you’ve been away dearNo reindeer have come here…”

Everyone’s clearing out, that’s interesting.

“Santa Claus, of course, dear
Za ba doo ba…”

It might have been my cigar, I don’t know! [camera frame drops] Hey! Camera Man! You can’t leave, what are you doing? Oh boy, this special is doooomed.

“Da ba doo da be doo…”

[begins talking to stuffed goat on stage]

What’s that, Clive? No I don’t speak Spanish. What sort of question is that? Have you been drinking? [to camera] Oh well, just watch the show. Happy Holidays everyone…

Voice Over: The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special: look for it!…. Sometime.

Submitted by: Johanna Hunt

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

The Shout-Out Show

Grandmaster Freddy…..Tracy Morgan
Ken Stein…..Chris Kattan
Zola…..Maya Rudolph
Big Perv…..Dean Edwards
Murphy…..Jeff Richards
Dina Dexter…..Pink
Robert Saltzman…..Josh Hartnett

Announcer: Live, from the Albany Projects in Brooklyn, U.S.A., it’s “The Shout-Out Show”! With your host, Grandmaster Freddy!

Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is Grandmaster Freddy! And this is “The Shout-Out Show”! First of all, I gotta give a Big Dog shout-out to the audience, ’cause y’all doin’ big things! [ audience applauds wildly ] That’s right! A’ight! And I’d also like to give a big shout-out to my station manager, Ken Stein!

Ken Stein: [ humbled ] Thanks, Grandmaster! Shout-ut to you, too! Ha ha!

Grandmaster Freddy: Let’s not forget to give a special shout-out to our official sponsor – Sobe Sports Drink! Sobe! Just drink it! And a special shout-out goes to your Airness, Michael Jordan! Your wife Juanita about to take yo ass to the cleaners! So keep your head up, baller! Hey, Juany – give me a call tomorrow, baby!

Now, we gonna head straight to the phone lines, so all you cats out there can make sopme shout-outs! So make ’em laugh – do the damn thing! First caller, you on “The Shout-Out Show”!

Zola: Hey, Freddy! I’d like to give a shout-out to all my co-workers in housekeeping at the Brooklyn Comfort Inn!

Grandmaster Freddy: Big minimum wage shout-out to housekeeping over at the BK Comfort Inn! You know you who is!

Zola: I also wanna shout-out to my sister, Avia Raedell, who’s over in the Army Reserve – gotta shout you out, girl!

Grandmaster Freddy: That shout’s going out to G.I. Jane, who’s serving Uncle Sam!

Zola: And I’d like to give a special shout-out to the makers of Valtrex, for helping me with my herpes problem!

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight! Medicinal shout-out to Valtrex! We gotta move on! Next caller!

Big Perv: Hey, yo, yo! Freddy! Yo, this is Big Perv from up North, yo! I’d like to give a crazy shout-out to the three females who’s currently pregnant by me!

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight! Unwanted pregnancy shout-out to the knocked-up chicks in your life!

Big Perv: Yo, and I want to shout-out my three kids – Pervis, Jr., Delronna, and Felsgar! Daddy loves you, be out in 2005 – peace!

Grandmaster Freddy: Dysfunctional shout-out to your boys! Next caller, you’re on “The Shout-Out Show” with Grandmaster!

Murphy: Hey, Grandmaster, hey! I’d like to send a major shout-out to all the guys in Mergers and Acquisitions at Merryl Lynch, and, oh..! Also, a shout-out to Pierre Desomaliar in Pinchot Lane.. and another shout-out to my bud Tucker at the Shag Harbor Yacht Club! [ chuckles ]

Grandmaster Freddy: Big Caucasian shout-out to all those dudes – all those square ones – from another lame white boy! Just time for y’all favorite segment – the Shout-Out of the Week! This week’s winner is from Hell’s Kitchen, here in New York. How ’bout a shout-out for Dina Dexter!

[ Dina Dexter enters set ]

Dina Dexter: What’s up, chickenheads! First of all, I want to give a shout-out to all the girls I work with outside the 8th Ave. entrance to the Port Authority Bus Terminal! I love you all! Except for Nisha – I know you ate my fish sandwich, bitch! And when I find you, I’m gonna cut you up! [ exits ]

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to all the street walkers outside the Port Authority – minus the fish sandwich girl who’s gonna get cut! Now, it’s time for my guest. He’s an associate director of the city harvest – check this out, it’s a food rescue program! how ’bout a warm shout-out to Robert Saltzman!

[ Robert Saltzman enters set ]

Grandmaster Freddy: What’s up, damn! Oh, man, give me some love, babe!

Robert Saltzman: What’s up?

Grandmaster Freddy: Sit down, have a seat, dog! [ they sit ] All right! Welcome, Robert, to “The Shout-Out Show”!

Robert Saltzman: Word, man! Thank you, thank you!

Grandmaster Freddy: Alright! So, who you gonna shout-out first?!

Robert Saltzman: Well, you know, as Associate Director of the City Harvest, I’d like to give a big shout-out to al the volunteers, who, you know, are leading the battle against hunger, and against all the, uh.. against hunger, basically.

Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Big non-profit shout to the City Harvest!

Robert Saltzman: Yeah. Well, as you know, there are five million pounds of food thrown away each year by New York restaurants.. and, at the same time, almost a million people go hungry, and half of them children.

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to starving children!

Robert Saltzman: Well, uh.. I don’t think you really.. no, I’m sure you don’t mean that. Hey, uh.. starving children are not who you should be giving a shout-out to, right?

Grandmaster Freddy: Nah, nah, it don’t work that way, period! This “The Shout-Out Show”, cuz!

Robert Saltzman: Yeah, but.. I’m talking about single mothers in poverty here.. I’m talking about women who are malnourished to the point that they stop having regular menstrual cycles.

Grandmaster Freddy: Big, big gynecological shout-out to irregular menstrual cycles! And on that note, another shout-out to our sponsor! Sobe!

Robert Saltzman: Listen, man, we met one family that was so desperate for food, they were forced to eat garbage!

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to eating garbage!

Robert Saltzman: Why would you give a shout-out to eating garbage?! Innocent people are starving right here, in this city!

Grandmaster Freddy: Special shout-out to dead people! [ laughs ] We are about out of time, any upcoming projects you wanna tell us about?

Robert Saltzman: Yeah.. I was gonna tell..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: I was..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: I was gonna talk about..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: ..the City Harvest Walk-a-Thon..

Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!

Robert Saltzman: ..that we planned to draw awareness to both the feeding of the hungry, and drig abuse!

Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to drug abuse! A’ight! [ Robert storms off the set ] Shout-out to the cat that just walked off my show! Dig this here! That’s it for this week! I’d like to give a final shout-out to the New York Jets, who unfortunately ate it earlier tonight! Like those homeless people eating garbage! Do the damn thing!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 8

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Gobi….Horatio Sanz
DJ Johnatan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Stanley Justin….Hugh Jackman
Jeff….Jeff Richards

[Opens with Jarret’s computer screen, electronicbeeps,dreadlocked Jarret fixes the web-cam on himself.He sits at the edge of his bed in his room.]

Jarret: What’s up everybody? It’s me Jarret coming toyou live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College.It’s kind of quiet here right now because everyonealready went home on Christmas break. Me and Gobidecided to stick around and have the dorm all toourselves. We thought it would be cool like the movie”The Shinning” then remembered that the guy in “TheShinning” went crazy and tried to kill his family.Anyway I’m joined by my in-house DJ. DJ JohnatanFeinstein! What’s up Johnatan?!

[Pushes camera to the side, Johnatan has an Eurotrashlook on him. Big sunglasses, bleached blond hair. Hestands in front of his music equipment, turntables,volume levels]

DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[English accent]Wicked! All Ican say is I hope everyone gets what they want forChristmas and have a merry boxing day!

Jarret: Hey, Johnatan how come you didn’t go home forChristmas this year?

DJ Johnatan Feinstein: Me mom didn’t have the quid topay the Concorde back to Heathrow!

Jarret: Dude, for the last time you’re from New Jersey.

DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[demoralized, Americanaccent]Hey, let me have my thing, man. I’m not hurtinganyone.[English accent]But check out this wickedHoliday remix!

[Plays “Where’s your head at?” abrupt change in music”Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” Jarret fixesthe camera on himself again]

Jarret: All right, cool. Well, you may have seen mynext guest passed out on the 30 yard line of thefootball field during the last week’s game againstBowden. Please welcome my best friend and roomate,Gobi!

[A long purple glass tube slowly starts appearing infront of Jarret. Gobi is heard off screen]

Gobi:[to the tune of “2001 a Space Oddysey”]Bo-o-ong!Bo-o-o-o-ong! Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong![his face right intothe camera, laughing] BIG BONG!!! HAHAHA!!! Whooo!!Check it out, dude! I got my Christmas present from myparents!

Jarret: Your parents got you a bong for Christmas?

Gobi: No. They got me money. Told me to get somebooks. Hahahaha!!! Oh, man! Oh yeah, I forgot to tellyou. You know that bag of stash that you had hangingabove your door? I smoked it.

Jarret: That wasn’t my stash, dude. That was mistletoe.

Gobi:[thinks]I smoked it.[laughs]

Jarret: I’m pretty sure that stuff is poisonous. Youshould go see a doctor.

Gobi: Aww, whatever dude!

Jarret: Well, Christmas is almost here and you knowwhat that means. Pretty soon those awesome Christmasspecials are going to on tv. Some guy I know tipped usoff to this cool thing you should try at home. If youwatch “Santa Claus is coming to town” while listeningto “White Room” by “Cream” it totally matches up. Check it out.

[Jarret clicks computer keys, cuts to a claymationcartoon of a talking snowman with Santa Claus. Musicplays “In a white room/with black curtains/in thestation” Reindeers take Santa flying. Cut back toJarret and Gobi bouncing up and down on the edge of the bed.]

Jarret and Gobi: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Gobi: NO WAAAAAAYYY!!!!

Jarret: I swear to God…[Jimmy cracks up to Horatio’sshout] after the 10th time it kind of works.

Gobi:[probably ad-lib] Kind of works. Oh dude, ittotally looks like Ronald McDonalds was playing drums.

Jarret:[Jimmy is lost]What are you talking about?

Gobi: You know….

[Jimmy cracks up again]

Jarret: I’m pretty sure that mistletoe is plastic.

Gobi:[fake fear] Oooohhhh, oooohhhh….

[Jimmy cracks up hard]

Gobi: EVEN BETTER!!! Aaahh…

[Jimmy recovers]

Jarret: All right. Our next guest is the other kidwho’s staying on the dorm over the break. Pleasewelcome, Stanley Justin.

[Camera pans to the door. In comes Stanley, a realultra nerd,braces on his teeth prevent him tocompletely shutting his mouth. DJ Johnatan Feinsteinplays “Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” Stanleyscratches some on the turntable, gives big thumbs upand sits at the dge of the bed with Jarret and Gobi]

Jarret: Hey, man.

Gobi: What’s up, man?

Stanley Justin: How is it going? It’s great to behere, Jarret. Before we begin, can I say something? Isthat ok?

Jarret: Yeah, yeah.

Gobi: Yeah.

Stanley Justin: Are you ok? Ok, I’d like to addressMr. Sam Raimi if I may, ok. As you all know, “Spiderman” is going to be played by none other than low-keymumbler Tobey McGuire. Hey, geniuses why don’t youthrow in Michael Caine as Captain America and you can,you know just have the whole cast of “The Cider HouseRules” destroy the Marvel Universe in one long swoop!I ask you,[face right in the camera]are you peopletrying to ruin my life??!! No, seriously, man!

Jarret: We used to make fun of Stanley but he showedus how to hook up one of those internet spy-cams inour roomate’s Jeff room. So Stanley is here tointroduce our newest segment Jarret’s Room’s FunniestHome Videos. Ok.

[Caption: Jarret’s Room’s Funniest Home Videos. Jarretplays some bongos]

Stanley Justin: Ok, we collected over 300 hours offootage from the spy-cam in Jeff’s room and we’veselected 3 finalists.

Jarret: The first clip is what we like to call “Eye ofthe Tiger”

[Spy-cam shows Jeff shirtless, making muscles and badass faces. “Rocky III” theme “Eye of the Tiger” plays.Back to Jarret’s room]

Jarret: What a meathead! If I wasn’t fully convincedthat he could kick my ass I would totally rag on himabout that.

Stanley Justin: Ok, the next clip is one I’ve entitled”Stop and smell the roses”

[Spy-cam shoes Jeff in bed taking underwear from alaundry basket and smelling them]

: Dirty.[Tosses it aside. Grabs another brief,smell it]Dirty.[tosses it aside, grabs anotherskivvie, deep whiff]Re-e-e-ally dirty.

[Back to Jarret’s room Gobi, Jarret and Stanley aredisgusted]

Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeewwww!!!!

Stanley Justin: Gross, man!

Jarret: I get the feeling he’s not just checking tosee if those were really clean.

Stanley Justin: No, the important thing to realize isthat that clip goes on for like 3 more hours!

Gobi: OH, NO!!!![Stanley and Jarret look back atGobi]THAT WAS MY LAUNDRY BASKET!!!!

[Gobi jumps in the bed. Grabs Jarret and Stanleyshaking them]

Stanley Justin: The last clip is entitled “Guess who’s back?”

[Spy-cam shows Jeff attaching a shaving razor blade toruler. Jeff has foam on his back and starts shavinghis back.]

Jeff: Smooth as a baby’s ass.

[Back to Jarret’s room. Jarret, Gobi and Stanley makedisgusted faces]

Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeeewwwww!!!!

Jarret: Gross.That’s all the time we have. I want tothank Stan and Gobi. This is Jarret logging off! DJJohnatan Feinstein take us out!

[DJ Johnatan Feinstein plays “Grandma got run over bya reindeer”. Log off.]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

The Christmas Kangaroo

…..Hugh Jackman
Dad…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Hugh sitting on the main stage ]

Hugh Jackman: It’s a joyous time of the year, Christmas, which millions of people around the globe celebrate in a variety of ways. Here in America, children are visited by Santa Claus, a magical fat man from the North Pole who slides down the chimney, leaves presents under a tree. But in Australia, where I’m from, instead of Santa Claus, we were visited by the Christmas Kangaroo, who brought gifts for all the boys and girls. But the Christmas Kangaroo wouldn’t just give you the gifts.

[ dissolve to Christmas Kangaroo visiting young Hugh and his siblings at Christmas ]

Hugh Jackman V/O: You see, we Australians are a rough-and-tumble bunch, and this kangaroo lived by code. Your father would have to fight him for the gifts.

[ Christmas Kangaroo punches Dad in the face ]

Sometimes the fights would turn nasty.

[ Dad smashes chair over Christmas Kangaroo’s head, winning the fight ]

But when your dad won, you would get anything you wanted.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: Christmas was my favorite time of the year. I always looked forward to the return of the Christmas Kangaroo. But.. then when I was 12, tragedy struck. My dad lost the fight.

[ dissolve to Christmas Kangaroo beating up Dad again ]

Hugh Jackman V/O: When the Kangaroo won, it was pretty much up to him what happened him. More often than not, that’d mean we didn’t get presents..

[ Christmas Kangaroo throws Dad over the couch and anal rapes him ]

..and my dad got sodomized.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: It was a rough time around the Jackman homestead. I thought things would get better next Christmas, but no. My father ended up losing the next four years in a row. It was horrible. After a while, I questioned if my dad was even trying to win.

[ dissolve to older Dad primpimg in preparation for the Christmas Kangaroo’s arrival ]

[ the Kangaroo arrives, and Dad lays a few girly punches before throwing in the towel ]

Dad: Damn. Looks like you win. Again. Kids, go get him a Scotch and Soda.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: I mean, sure, sure, the Kangaroo gave us gifts.. but I just felt dirty accepting them. It seemed like a hell of a price to pay just so I could have a sweater vest. Luckily, when I was seventeen, after a five-year winning streak, the Kangaroo lost.

[ dissolve to Dad approaching the Christmas Kangaroo as he enters the living room ]

Dad: Hello, Freckles. [ teenaged Hugh jumps and pounds the Christmas Kangaroo to death ] No-o-o-o-o!!! You killed Freckles! I mean.. yay, it’s over.

[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]

Hugh Jackman: And that’s how the Christmas Kangaroo’s reign of terror ended. Now, sure, on Christmas morning all the Australian boys and girls might not get toys, but it spared the horror of watching a giant marsupial taking their old man to browntown. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about? Happy Holidays, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

White House Meeting

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Condaleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Colin Powell…..Dean Edwards
General Meyers…..Seth Meyers
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ fade to interior, President George W. Bush holding meeting with Condaleeza Rice, Colin Powell and General Meyers ]

President George W. Bush: Thanks for coming, Connie, Colin, General Meyers. I’ve called this meeting because with the campaign in Afghanistan winding down, the time is fast approaching when we’ll have to deal with Saddam Hussein to finish a job that should’ve been finished ten years ago – thanks, Dad! Now, General Meyers has been exploring our military options. And as soon as Secretary Rumsfield gets here, he’ll lay them out for us.

Condaleeza Rice: What about the Vice-President?

President George W. Bush: Well, Vice-President Cheney is joining us via videophone from an undisclosed secure location. [ presses button ] Dick? Are you there?

Dick Cheney: I’m here, Mr. President. Condaleeza, Colin, General Meyers.. good to be with you.

President George W. Bush: You’re looking good! Where are you, anyway?

Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Mr. President, you know I can’t tell you that!

President George W. Bush: Sorry.

Dick Cheney: That’s quite alright. [ mimes telephone to his ear and whispers ] Connie.. call me!

[ phone rings ]

President George W. Bush: That’ll be Rumsfeld. [ picks up phone ] Hello!

[ screen shows a bearded Al Gore talking on the phone ]

Al Gore: Well, hello, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Oh, hi, Al. How are you.

Al Gore: Wonderful! I finally got through! Listen. I’m just calling to let you know that, despite our differences in the past, I’m fully behind you at this time.

President George W. Bush: Well, that’s very kind.

Al Gore: Well, you know, I just want to offer my services n any way I can to your administration. I’m actually not all that busy right now, so I’m available to help.

President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, that’s good to know. Listen, I may have to let you go, because we’re kind of in the middle of something. You understand.

Al Gore: Oh, certainly, that’s why I’m offering my help. Right now, you’ve got so much on your plate with foreign policy. If you want me to handle, say.. domestic, or whatever.. I’d be available. Because this is a good time for me. It is, I mean, schedule-wise.

President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, Al, I appreciate that, but I dn’t know if that’s really possible..

Al Gore: Or just environmental policy.

President George W. Bush: I don’t think so, Al..

Al Gore: Maybe I could give blood?

President George W. Bush: I think we’re okay on that.

Al Gore: You know, I was thinking – what if we made an appearance together, say, at the White House? After everything we’ve been through, it’d be a tremendous show of unity for the country. My barber suggested that.

President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Yeah, that might be good. Later on.

Al Gore: Wouldn’t that be something? By the way, I want you to know that I do consider you the winner of the election. Over the last six months, I’ve personally counted every Florida ballot myself. And you did win, although it was clo-ose!

President George W. Bush: Right, well.. well, that’s great and all. Listen, I’ve really gotta get rolling here..

Al Gore: I triple-checked, using every conceivable standard.

President George W. Bush: Well, good for you.

Al Gore: [ consulting notebook ] With hanging chads, you won with 159 votes. With swinging chads, you won by 112 votes..

Condaleeza Rice: Who are you talking to?

President George W. Bush: [ hand over mouthpiece ] Gore.

Al Gore: [ still rambling on ] ..you won by 47 votes..

President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Terrific. Al, listen. We’ve got a lot of work here.

Al Gore: You know, our appearance together, it doesn’t have to be a joint statement. It could just be a photograph.

President George W. Bush: Right. Well, maybe sometime when things cool down.

Al Gore: We don’t have to be the only people in the photograph. I mean, you could be with other people, and I could be behind you in the background just being supportive.

President George W. Bush: Sure. Sure. Maybe when I’ve got more time.

Al Gore: Sure, I understand. If you’re too busy, you could just send me a picture of yourself, and I could simply put us together using Adobe Photoshop.. and then I could release it with your full approval.

President George W. Bush: Al, we may have to pick this up another time.

Al Gore: How about this? As a way of showing my contempt with bin Laden, I could stand with you and publicly shave my beard so I’ll look more like you and less like him.

President George W. Bush: What are you talking about?

Al Gore: Well, I recently grew a beard.

President George W. Bush: No, I know you grew a beard, Al.

Al Gore: Mr. President, I am begging you, get off the phone!

President George W. Bush: Right, right.. Al..

Al Gore: I just think it’d be one more way to allow people to finally get some closure on this election!

President George W. Bush: Al, no defense. I think right now people are focused on the war on terror. They’re way past this election stuff. I know I am.

Al Gore: [ sighs heavily ] Well, George, with all due respect, you’re the one holed up in the White House. I’m out with the people. And, let me tell you, whenever people come up to me, they talk about the campaign and the extremely narrow election and how I feel about it.

President George W. Bush: Well, come on. You’re Al gore. What else are they gonna talk to you about!

Al Gore: Well, you don’t have to be snippy about it.

President George W. Bush: I’m not being snippy!

Al Gore: You are being snippy.

President George W. Bush: I am not being snippy! That’s not being snippy! Explain to me how that’s being snippy.

Al Gore: It most certainly is being snippy! Why..

[ Donald Rumsfeld enters the room ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Who is it?

All: Gore!!

[ Rumsfeld crosses the room and seizes the phone from President Bush’s hands as Gore continues to ramble on ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Get off the phone!

Al Gore: May I ask to whom I’m speaking?

Donald Rumsfeld: Donald Rumsfeld! Get off the phone!

Al Gore: Okay, bye! [ hangs up ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Goodbye!

Al Gore: Talk about being snippy! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger’s Dressing Room

…..Mick Jagger
Reflection…..Jimmy Fallon

[ Mick Jagger enters his dressing room and sits in front of the mirror ]Mick Jagger: Here we are at “Saturday Night Live” again, I mean what more can I do? I did it in the 70’s, I did it in the 80’s, I did it in the 90’s, and now I’m doing it in.. whatever you call this decade. I mean, think! Think!

[ stares at his reflection, which mirrors back at him in response ]

Reflection: Come on, Mick, we can do this! Right? Yeah!

Mick Jagger: That’s not the point, I mean.. I’ve done this! That’s the point. I’ve done this.

Reflection: What were you planning on doing?

Mick Jagger: Well.. I was gonna come out, and I was gonna, like.. [ motions back and forth with his reflection ] And, then.. I was gonna do, maybe, like.. [ shakes his hands back and forth ]

Reflection: Alright, pretty good, yeah, right.

Mick Jagger: And, then, a thing that the Stones like, punching the air, like.. [ demonstrates punching the air ]

Reflection: Yeah, well, what else you got?

Mick Jagger: Uh, well.. pointing fingers! We do Pointing fingers.

Reflection: Yeah, what is pointing fingers?

Mick Jagger: You know, like.. [ points his fingers at reflection ] ..”I’m pointing my fingers! I’m point my fingers at you!”

Reflection: That’s good, right! A little sta-ile.

Mick Jagger: Sta-ile? [ laughs ] Pointing fingers is what I’ve got going on now! Pointing fingers is today!

Reflection: Oh no, sta-ile! I meant, sta-ile, not great. Sta-ile. [ drinks tea ]

Mick Jagger: What’s you got there?

Reflection: It’s tea. You want some?

Mick Jagger: Yeah! [ grabs cup through mirror, and drinks ]

Reflection: You know, I’ve got a great idea!

Mick Jagger: Get going!

Reflection: Yeah, why don’t you go out and do the Rooster? [ motions like the Rooster ]

Mick Jagger: That’s a great idea, you know, that Rooster. Yeah, why don’t you just put me in a bloody time capsule to 1969! I mean, you said the pointing fingers was sta-ile! I mean, that’s completely sta-ile!

Reflection: Alright, don’t yell at me!

Mick Jagger: I’m not yelling at you!

Reflection: You’re yelling at me!

Mick Jagger: I’m not yelling at you!

Reflection: You’re yelling at yourself! Now, look – just don’t do what you’ve done.

Mick Jagger: What? I’m not dumb! I’m not gonna do what I’ve done! I just do what I do!

Reflection: Well, do what you do. Just don’t do what you’ve done, that’s dull.

Mick Jagger: Well, I’m not gonna do that, am I? I’m just gonna do what I do, that’s what I do!

Reflection: Yeah, alright, well just do it!

Mick Jagger: Alright, then! Well, that’s done and done, then, ain’t it? By the way – you look great!

Reflection: No, no.. we look great!

Mick Jagger: Hey, let’s go over pointing fingers again.

Reflection: Okay.

Together: “And I’m poi-oi-ointing my finger! I’m pointing, I’m pointing, I’m pointing at you-ou-ou-ou-ou!!“

[ they shake hands as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

HBO First Look

George Lucas…..Darrell Hammond
Master Windu…..Tracy Morgan
Obi-Won Kanobi…..Seth Meyers
JC Chasez…..Josh Hartnett
Justin Timberlake…..Jimmy Fallon
Chris Kirkpatrick…..Chris Kattan
Joey Fatone…..Horatio Sanz
Lance Bass…..Jeff Richards
Jar Jar Binx…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: And now, HBO First Look: “Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones.”

2nd Announcer: Today on HBO First Look, notoriously secretive director, George Lucas, lets us onto the set of the highly anticipated second installment of his “Star Wars” series.

George Lucas: There’s been a lot of rumors about “Attack of the Clones”, especially from “fans”, about *Nsync being in the movie. I got a lot of nasty e-mails on the subject. I guess the pimply-faced nerd who got a Darth Vader back-pack for his 14th birthday knows better than me, the creator of “Star Wars”. That’s just great. But just forget about *Nsync, you won’t even notice them. The important thing is that this movie is moving toward a totally digital medium. There’s no more film. Take a look at this scene, shot totally on digital video.

(Cut to scene)

Script Guy: Scene 62, take 1.

George Lucas: Action!

Master Windu: Does Anakin Skywalker have enough metecloroids to join the Jedi council? You damn right he don’t!!!

Obi-Wan Kinobi: No Master Windu. Anakin is the only one who can restore power to the force and save the republic from the evil Count Docu. Right, *Nsync?

J.C.: That’s right Obi-Wan Kinobi. And we’re here to save the galaxy and tell kids to stay in school.

Justin: Yeah, and that…

*Nsync: [ singing ] “Ain’t no lie, baby bye bye bye!!”

(Cut back to George)

George: I think another thing the fans worry about is Jar Jar Binks. I mean – again – “fans”. You know, if you don’t like it, don’t go see it. Guess what? I’m gonna be fine either way, I’ve got billions. But don’t worry, we scaled Jar Jar’s role way back. In the few scenes he’s in, he’s an older, a wiser, more dignified character.

(Cut to Jar Jar)

Jar Jar Binks: Missa go pipi and poopoo and kaka. Missa stinky, winky, glipy, dorpy…

2nd Announcer: Close watchers of “The Phantom Menace” may have already seen a few special cameos from other films in the background. According to the director, viewers of the sequel can expect more of the same.

(Cut to George)

George Lucas: I think people got a huge kick out of seeing E.T. in the background scene or uhh… the background of the Senate scene in Episode I. So there’s gonna be more surprises, a few more, in “Attack of the Clones”.

(Cut to scene)

Master Windu: I’d like to thank the members of the Jedi council for assembling at such a short notice. Obi-Wan Kinobi, the guy with the crazy neck, Alf, Mayor McCheese, Harry Potter, Cartman from “South Park”, Monica Lewinsky, and finally – Master Yoda.

Yoda: What’s up, homies?

(Cut to George)

George Lucas: It really is a movie for die-hard fans and I’m really excited about it. I think it’s the best “Star Wars” movie yet. And now, I’m proud to present an entire sequence (chuckle) a sequence from my new film – “Attack of the Clones”.

(Cut to scene)

Obi-Wan Kinobi: Master Windu, we haven’t but one choice.

Master Windu: I know Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan Kinobi: We have to do it. in order to save the universe from tyranny and depression, we have to… let *Nsync kick the funk out lizzidy new school style.

Master Windu: Ladies and Gentlemen… *Nsync!!

*Nsync: [ singing ]
“Oh girl, you I know I love you.”

(All Jedis report to space station Alpha Quattro, by order of the force.)

“Oh girl, it ain’t over yet,
You’ve come to drown my heart like you were bobba-fat.
Without you I feel so alone,
Like I was attacked, attacked by clones.

I’m a Jedi knight, in these Jedi days,
I can’t forget these Jedi ways, yeah yeah yeah yeah,
These rhymes are fresh, I think you’re dope ahh,
Help me Obi-Wan Kinobi, cuz you’re my only hope.”

2nd Announcer: This was HBO First Look. Stay tuned to the eighth annual Arli$$ marathon.

Thanks to Tal Horwitz for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts