Best Suey: (tie) Chop Suey and Chop Suey with Wax.
Sexiest Actor: Wax Tom Cruise.
Best Whole Ball: Whole Ball of Wax.
Best Thing of Anything: A Bat Carrying a Block of Wax.
Announcer: Jack Handey’s Best List for 2001 was made possible by generous contributions from: The National Wax Association and The Count and Countess Dracula Foundation.
Canon Cornell Julius Wilson…..Tracy Morgan Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: Later on C-Span: former employees of Enron discuss their plans to kidnap and murder the company’s executives. The program runs about two hours. But first, from the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., highlights of Thursday’s memorial service for former President Clinton’s dog, Buddy. Buddy, a four-year-old chocolate labrodor retriever, was fataly injured on January 3rd, when he escaped from the Clintons’ Chappaqua, New York residence, and was struck by a car. We now join the memorial service, led by the Rev. Canon Cornell Julius Wilson, already in progress.
[ open on the memorial service ]
Canon Cornell Julius Wilson: So, Lord, we commend the soul of this labrodor retriever to your holy care. To share with you the eternal joy in a place where he’ll retrieve, not bones, not pheasants, not quarterfoul, but love. And the peace which catches all understanding. Amen! And now, to celebrate the life of this noble beast, is President William Jefferson Clinton.
[ Clinton stands and takes the podium ]
Bill Clinton: [ coughs ] Thank you, Reverand. Harry Truman once said, “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” And during the years Buddy and I shared the White House, I learned just how true this statement is. Buddy wasn’t just a good dog, but a true friend. Whwen I passed the historic NAFTA agreeement, Buddy was there. When I signed the assault weapons ban, Buddy was there. When I created Maracor, Buddy was there. And when I was in a meeting in the Oval Office, and Hillary came down the hall, Buddy.. would.. bark.
[ show Hillary and Chlesea ]
Buddy’s life was not a long one, but during his four years on Earth, he was privileged to witness a period of enormous and exciting change. He watched as the recession inherited from a previous administration turned into the longest period of economic growth in our nation’s history. As record budget deficits became budget surpluses. As illiteracy, crime and out-of-wedlock births declined dramatically. And though we mourn the brevity of his life, perhaps, in a sense, Buddy’s fortunate. Fortunate that he will not have to watch in horror as the new administration turns back the clock on civil rights. As our economic prosperity withers away, and a reckless $1.6 trillion tax cut destroys Social Security.
[ show Al Gore looking up ]
When I first brought Buddy home as a puppy, I was worried that he might not get along with Hillary’s cat, Socks the Cat. And yet, as we see with many married couples, opposites often attract.
[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]
Buddy.. warm, intelligent, outgoing, sexy. Socks, on the other hand.. more aloof, distant, cold, controlling, manipulative. Buddy was attracted to other dogs, but Socks liked both cats and dogs. People feared Socks, but they loved Buddy. And I want you to take it from me, that dog could.. hump.. a.. leg. If you don’t beleive me, ask my Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shelaya.
[ show Donna Shelaya nodding her head in a agreement ]
Now, not since the tragic accident nearly two weeks ago that took Buddy’s life, I, of course, have thought of all the what-ifs. Perhaps if I had been there, Buddy wouldn’t have gotten out. Or, perhaps if Hillary had been there, she could have run out into the screaming traffic herself. [ laughs, bites his lip, gives the thumbs-up ] I like to think she would have.
[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]
But what if Buddy had somehow survived the accident? At least, in this case, he would have been covered by veterinary insurance. Something that 80 million dogs, cats, parakeets, lizards and ferrets live without, each and every day. After it was clear that Buddy could not be saved, my next thought was of the 17-year-old girl wh had accidentally hit him. I assured her that it was not her fault, and if she was too shaken to drive home, she could spend the night at the house! Hillary hapened to be out of town. But I told the young woman she was still welcome all the same! [ laughs ] She declined. But I plan to check in on from time to time, to make sure she’s okay. Maybe this weekend!
So, in conclusion, Buddy, we’re gonna miss you. And I want you to remember: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturay Night!”
Hugh Jackman: Well, thank you! They told me you guys were good, but you’re real good, I’ll tell you! It is a great thrill for me to be here – in New York City, the greatest city in the world, hosting “Saturay Night Live”. I suppose most of you probably know me from a movie called “The X-Men”. [ audience claps ] Five of you, thank you! But, listen, I’ll be making the transition to romantic comedy. I’m in this romantic comedy with Meg Ryan – not that I’m plugging it or anything – but I thought I should come out here and do something romantic.
So, somebody suggested that maybe I should take my shirt off.. [ female audience screams ] ..and gently hold Rachel Dratch. Which was actually Rachel’s idea.
[ Rachel Dratch runs up and hugs Hugh ]
Rachel Dratch: I still think it’s a good idea!
Hugh Jackman: No, it is.. it’s a great idea, Rachel.. really, honestly. Rachel Dratch! [ Rachel exits ] And then, somebody suggested I should come out here as Wolverine and torch up a blunt and get a major freak-on.
[ Tracy Morgan steps up, excited ]
Tracy Morgan: I’m telling you, it would work! Trust me, Wolverine! Trust me, it’s gonna be hilarious!
Hugh Jackman: It might work, Tracy.. if I knew what the hell you were talking about. [ Tracy exits ] But, listen, it’s Christmas, and I’m in New York.. and I thought to myself, what would I be doing if I was in Australia right now?
[ Female Audience member yells out “Australia!” ]
Just like her – getting drunk and throwing up! We’ve got some Aussies here tonight – welcome! But seriously, it’s summer there right now, and, every year, what we do is a tradition called Carols by Candlelight. Everyone’s outside, and everyone’s got these candles and we have this huge concert where 100,000 people get there, outside, and it’s amazing and one of the most profound things I’ve ever done in my life. Anyway, it’s Christmas, I’m in New York.. and whether you’re in Australia or New York, this is one of the most amazing times of the year. Especially this year.
[ grabs microphone and sings, as Amy Poehler, Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch surround him ]
“Have yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light. From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas Make the Yule-tide gay. From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
Here were are as in olden days happy golden days of yore. Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more.
Through the years we all will be together If the Fates allow. Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.”
We have a huge show for you here tonight. Mick Jagger is here, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Megan…..Maya Rudolph Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch Mr. Banglian…..Horatio Sanz Zack Bodorf…..Josh Hartnett Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”. Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.
Megan: Well, it’s 7:55 and we are coming at you live from room 312 in the audio/visual department. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co host Sheldon.
Sheldon: (nervous) hey.
Megan: As always, we are joined by ‘Jazz Times 10’.
(cut to band, only 2 members are there)
Sheldon: ‘Jazz Times 10’ is missing a lot of their members because of the strep throat epidemic way to hang together guys.
Megan: Yeah, a lot of students were exposed to strep especially anyone who participated in last Thursday’s ‘spin the bottle’ game in the back of the band bus.
Sheldon: Yeah I’m glad I wasn’t a part of that.
Megan: Alright, well it’s the first show of the New Year. Sheldon, do you have any new year resolutions?
Sheldon: Umm I wanna translate ‘The Hobbit’ into Latin. Like everybody, I wanna get to the gym more and, you know, try to conquer my chronic insomnia.
Megan: Yeah, Sheldon is afraid that if he goes to sleep, his dad will leave.
Sheldon: I, I told that in confidence did you make any resolutions?
Megan: Well, since it’s a New Year, I am working on a totally new me – one that is both self-confident and independent as a woman. And if that makes Randy Goldman wanna make out with me, he totally could.
(Megan pulls up her legs. On her shoes there are pictures of her and Randy)
– Hey Megan, spelled m-e-g-a-n.
– Wow, you totally got my name right, this must be a dream.
– No it’s not, I love you, let’s get married.
– Hey, what’s happening (make-out sounds)
(Megan puts her feet down)
(sigh) that was totally intense and awesome
Mr. Banglion: Hey gang! (to the band) Hey guys,, how you doing?
Megan & Sheldon: Hi Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: Hey everybody, came by to drop a little science on ya strep’s in the hizaous! So here are a few tips to keep your throat healthy and tip number 1 – don’t share lip smackers, not a good idea.. tip number 2 – don’t put your tongue on the water fountain. I know you like it but it’s not a good idea. And number 3 – take your C’s, get your Z’s, avoid disease! (waves hands from side toside) That’s the anthem so wash your darn hands up!! (laughs) Alright, I’m out of here. Byezees!!!
Megan & Sheldon: Bye Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: I’m walking, there I go!
Megan: Right okay well, our guest today is here to talk about inter-mural sports. Please welcome fellow seventh grader, Zack Bodorf.
Zack: (in a shaky changing voice) What’s up you guys? How you guys doing?
Megan: Hey Zack.
Sheldon: Umm ok umm, Zack, I understand you are the charter member of the inter-mural club.
Zack: Yeah. I started a Tai Kwan Do club because I’m real interested in marshal arts and I really like violence.
Megan: Hey Zack, you got tall I think your pants are pretty awesome, I mean I don’t care, it’s just that I think it’s pretty cool when a guy is not afraid to wear caprises.
Zack: These aren’t really capris, you see I had kind of a.. (cough, his voice gets deeper) I had kind of a growth spurt over Christmas so
Megan: Yeah, you used to be pretty shrimpy like Sheldon.. but now you’re all rugged like Ashton Kutcher. That’s cool, I don’t even care, it’s just that you’re probably good at kissing . Right?
Sheldon: Now, according to worldbook.com, Tai Kwan Do is a modern marshal art from Korea, characterized by fast, high-spinning kicks. How about a demonstration?
Zack: Sure Sheldon. Well, first the base is you gotta warm up before doing it so warm up. (throws some punches in the air)
Megan: Wow
Zack: Alright. And now (to Megan) I’ll demonstrate on you. This one is called ‘The Angry Cat’.
Megan: Mmm what is this incising, spicy scent?
Zack: Oh, that’s uhh, men’s Spead Stick I started to use deodorant anyway, this is how you flip a guy. (flips Sheldon to the floor)
Megan: Oh my god! I think you totally knocked him out!
Zack: Oh, I’m sorry Sheldon! I didn’t mean it! sometimes I don’t even know my own strength anymore!
Sheldon: Is this blood or pen?
Megan: It’s, it’s pen.
Randy Goldman: Hey, what’s up?
Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you walking in on me and Zack like this but maybe it’s for the best.. ok? So let’s just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table I never meant to hurt you!
Zack: What are you talking about?!?
Randy Goldman: Whatever.. later dude.
Zack: Yeah dude
Randy Goldman: Later Mandy
Megan: Oh later my name’s Megan back to you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have. Signing off, I am Sheldon.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.
John Walker Lynn, a 20-year-old American who had been studying in Pakistan has been captured by Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban. Experts called it the worst semester-abroad program ever.
An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan, which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show her ankle to to get that job?
Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera says he’s carrying a gun while reporting in Afghanistan. Rivera says he needs the weapon in the event that he’s attacked by his own crew.
Tina Fey: It was also reported Geraldo Rivera barely escaped unharmed Thursday when an apparent sniper bullet almost hit him.
Jimmy Fallon: Here with a terrible re-creation of that event is our own Chris Kattan.
[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as Geraldo Rivera ]
Chris Kattan: This is Geraldo Rivera, reporting live from Afghanistan. [ bullet whizzes past him ] Feets, don’t fail me now! [ runs off ]
Jimmy Fallon: Horrible.
Tina Fey: That was terrible.
Jimmy Fallon: Really terrible. Chris Kattan.
This week on “Sesame Street”, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan gave Elmos a lesson in conflict resolution. Elmo said he liked the nice man, but still won’t let inspectors inside his chemical weapons plant.
Dodonpa, the world’s fastest roller coaster, is set to open later this month in Japan. Unfortunately, only eight people in Japan are tall enough to ride it.
After a year of speculation, inventor Dean Kamen unveiled his mysterious “It”, which is a battery-powered two-wheel people mover. Many believe it will completely revolutionize the way people get hit by cars.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, as the holiday season approaches, there are no doubt gonna be many holiday parties. At these parties, I urge you to drink responsibly. Especialy girls. Why? Because you don’t want to end up like this. Please welcome Drunk Girl, everybody.
Drunk Girl: Wheeeee!! Hahahahaha!! Shut up! Hahahaha! This holiday season, it’s hard to stop drinking because.. what?!
Jimmy Fallon: I.. I din’t say anything.
Drunk Girl: I hate you, Jimmy Fallon! I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you! I.. do.. hate.. you! your hair does look pretty rad, though! Hahahaha!! Give me a kiss! [ Jimmy refuses ] Get away from me! I’m smart, okay! I took Spanish! Como et te lama! That means “Hi!”
Jimmy Fallon: I never said you weren’t smart..
Drunk Girl: I never said you were a fart! Ahahahaha!! Oh, my god, that’s so funny! Ahahahaha! Shut up! I can make my tongue into a taco – look! [ demonstrates ]
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that’s great.. that’s fantastic.
Drunk Girl: [ starts weeping ]
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Drunk Girl: Why would you sleep with my best friend..? In front of me..?
Jimmy Fallon: I never..
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wannow what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanowat you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanowature?!
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: You’re not a man! Mmm-mmm. [ whispering ] You’re an animal. Do you want to make out?
Jimmy Fallon: No, thank you.
Drunk Girl: Fine! I don’t need you, then! I’m gonna go get me a slice of that Hugh Jackman!
Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, everybody, Drunk Girl.
A 32-year-old Filipino farmer sliced his gentials off with a machete in a fit of religious fervor, because he believed his penis was leading him to sin. In a follow-up to this story – he was right, and it worked.
As part of a breeding program, Chinese scientists are giving Viagra to the endangered South China tiger. This follows years of independent tiger Viagra research conducted at the home of Sigfried & Roy.
A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son’s diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed.
The only way for the public to see the White House Christmas decorations this season will be through a virtual web tour of the mansion. A White House spokesperson says, “Just log on, type in bush ornaments, and enjoy whatever comes up.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!
George Bush!
Ronald Reagan!
Jimmy Carter!
Gerald Ford!
Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earth and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.
X-Presidents!
[ open on interior, X-Presidents secret headquarters ]
Ronald Reagan: Jalalabad? Tora Bora? What a freakin’ snooze-fest! Wars are supposed to take four days – tops!
George Bush: [ making out with Barbara in the hot tub ] It’s all Ford’s fault! He weakened the CIA!
Gerald Ford: [ playing paddleball and dreaming ] Sand-wich..
Ronald Reagan: It’s everyone’s fault, but mine. Bush, you’re the one who trained bin Laden against the Soviets!
Jimmy Carter: What did I do?
Ronald Reagan: You’re kidding, right? Your foreign policy was gayer than a Cher impersonator.
Jimmy Carter: Come on!
Ronald Reagan: Richard Simmons thought you were soft!
[ Bill Clinton enters, wearing a Superman-like costume and a mask with a long nose over his crotch ]
Bill Clinton: Hey, fellas, don’t forget me!
George Bush: Didn’t we tell ya, no costumes?
Ronald Reagan: Clinton, you’re the most to blame! If you worked half as hard as your dick, bin Laden would have been caught years ago!
Bill Clinton: That’s not fair!
Ronald Reagan: Maybe if bin Laden had been a fat girl, you might have tried to find him!
George Bush: [ laughing ] Gip’s on a roll! [ smiles as Barbara goes underwater to pleasure him further ]
Ronald Reagan: Shut up!
Bill Clinton: Come on, fellas, I know I don’t have fancy radioactive powers. But I built a new robot. [ robot enters wearing bra and thong ] I designed it with Leo DiCaprio.
Jimmy Carter: What does it do?
Bill Clinton: What doesn’t it do! [ pats the robot’s thong-covered ass ]
Ronald Reagan: [ annoyed ] Get out! It’s time we took care of this thing. As presidents, we crippled our country’s intelligence. Now, we’ve got to find bin Laden ourselves! Undercover!
Jimmy Carter: [ shaking ] You mean.. spy?
Ronald Reagan: Try not to wet yourself, Carter.
Jimmy Carter: Too late. [ pants are shown to be wet ]
Ronald Reagan: I’m not saying it’ll be easy. We’ll have to use all the insight we gained from Grenada.
Bob Dole: [ dusting a bookcase ] Can I come, too?
Ronald Reagan: Dole, just be glad we let you be butler!
Bob Dole: Right.
[ dissolve to the X-Presidents wearing colorful disguises while walking through Afghanistan ]
Ronald Reagan: Okay, remember – first we ingratiate ourselves. Then, we get the word on the street.
George Bush: [ waving to Afghanis ] Hi! Death to America!
Bill Clinton: Bush is Satan! [ to Bush ] Not you.. your son.
Jimmy Carter: [ talking to cave guard ] Yes. Bin Laden.. we are looking for. We’re his old friends..
Ronald Reagan: Yeah. We went to Asshole School together!
Jimmy Carter: [ attempts to address the Afghani in his own language ]
Ronald Reagan: Alright, my turn!
Jimmy Carter: But I have experience negotiating with this culture!
Ronald Reagan: I know you do – that’s how I got elected. Now, watch and learn!
Jimmy Carter: But you don’t speak Arabic!
Ronald Reagan: It’s all about confidence. [ demonstrates, but gets nowhere in his conversation with the guard ] He’s just talking gibberish. I don’t know what he’s saying!
[ suddenly, a group of Afgani rebels begin an attack ]
Jimmy Carter: Uh-oh! [ relieves in his pants ]
Gerald Ford: [ confused ] Sand-wich..?
[ suddenly, Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo attack from the sky ]
Gary: That’s sticking it to them, Ace!
George Bush: What the hey?
Bill Clinton: Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Gary: We’re here to find the bad guy!
Ace: We’re gonna get in their holes and smoke ’em out!
Ronald Reagan: That’s sick!
[ the long nose of Ace and Gary’s vehicle starts to quiver back and forth ]
Ace: The dual-car’s tracking them right now! The tip is very sensitive. It can penetrate through any caves or backways.
Gary: We’re losing power!
Ace: Tickle the fender, Gary!
[ Gary exits the vehicle during flight and proceeds to rub the fender, rendering the vehicle more powerful ]
Ace: Here it comes! [ their vehicle slams into a cave opening and rams in and out several times to no avail ] Lubricate! [ juice emits onto the hood of the vehicle, and it rams into the cave one last time, pulling out a sticky bin Laden ] We got him! We got bin Laden!
[ the Afghanis gawk in confusion ]
Gary: Bin Laden? The guy we’ve been after?
[ no response ]
Ace: Hello? Bin Laden! What’s everyone looking at?
Everyone: Nothing!
[ a sandwich falls from the sky, Ford catches it ]
Gerald Ford: [ gleeful ] Sand-wich!
[ dissolve to jingle ]
Jingle: “War brings people together War brings people together
Black or white, yellow or red We all want to see the same guy dead!
War brings people together (except Jerry Falwell) War brings people together (brothers and sisters..)”
INT. WORTHINGTON LIBRARY – U.K. – EARLY 1900’s – NIGHT
A goateed ALISTAIR CHESTERFIELD, in suit & bowtie, smokes a pipe as FRANKLIN the butler comes forth with a silver tray of tea.
Alistair Chesterfield: Yes – thank you Franklin. Set the tea on the sideboard. I shant be much longer.
Franklin: How’s the case coming along, sir? Any insight on who slain Lady Worthington?
Alistair Chesterfield: Never fear…
Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.
Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield! There’s never been a case I haven’t solved.
The COMMISSIONER, in gray pinstripe suit, stumbles into the library.
Commissioner: Ah Chesterfield!
Alistair Chesterfield: Yes. What brings you to the Worthington estate, Commissioner?
Commissioner: It seems Lady Worthington had relatives in the States and they hired their own investigator.
Alistair Chesterfield: I work alone. You know that. I always have.
Commissioner: Not anymore. I’d like you to meet your new partner – Bookie Newton.
BOOKIE NEWTON, late teens, thick glasses, bowtie & sweater, scurries in.
Bookie Newton: Cheerio, blokes!! Commissioner, I hate to raise any alarm bells, but I observed all the cars are driving on the wrong side of the street.
Commissioner: I’ll look into that.
The commissioner laughs in a sarcastic tone and trails off.
Alistair Chesterfield: If you must be here boy, I suggest you stay out of my way for I am…
Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.
Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield – the man who single handedly solved such mind bending cases as the Sign of the Serpent, the Case of the Missing Crown Jewels, and the Case of Misses Wigglesworth and Her Secret Ecstasy Lab.
Bookie Newton: Well, I’m Bookie Newton and I’m no amateur sleuth and I’ve solved a few cases myself. Like the Case of the Unpopped Kernel, the Case of the Unwashed Gym Socks, and the Case of the Unclaimed Fart.
Alistair Chesterfield: That was you!
Bookie Newton: Mm-hmm. I deduced it to whoever smelt it, dealt it.
Alistair Chesterfield: And whoever denied it, supplied it! I’m familiar with your work.
Chesterfield shakes Bookie’s hand.
SAM NEWTON, in pigtails & reform school uniform, enters.
Sam: Hey everybody! I just peed in a water closet!!
Bookie Newton: This is my kid sister Sam. She’s nine!
Sam shakes her fist at Bookie.
Sam: 9 1/2!!!
Sam smiles.
Bookie Newton: She’s pretty perceptive for her age.
Sam: It smells like old people and murder in here.
Sam whiffs her left palm of her nose.
Sam: Wait a second!! Was an old person murdered in here!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. I can already tell you are going to be of the utmost assistance.
Bookie Newton: If we’re going to work together, there are a few things you should know. First off, I have a fear of water due to swimmer’s ear. I also occasionally wet my bed. So if the case should involve water, I can’t swim in it or drink in it before bedtime.
Chesterfield nods.
Sam: And I’m afraid of clowns. It doesn’t matter if they’re happy or sad, they just plain terrify me.
Bookie comforts her.
Alistair Chesterfield: Fine. Fine, little sleuths. Let me fill you in… We believe Lady Worthington was murdered by a cat burglar interested in stealing her diamonds.
Bookie & Sam pull out large magnifying glasses, which are attached to lanyards around their necks.
Both: Why would a cat want to steal diamonds!!??
Sam: Or better yet, why would Lady Worthington have so much cat jewelry?
Bookie & Sam face each other with the magnifying glasses over their faces.
Both: Let’s figure it out.
Bookie Newton: Cats are related to lions…
Sam: Lions are kings of the jungle…
Bookie Newton: And jungle is part of the rainforest…
Sam: And rainforests are being destroyed by loggers…
Bookie Newton: And lager is a type of beer…
Sam: Made in England…
Both: The scene of the crime is England. Case closed!
Both shake hands and grin. Jackman breaks character by cracking up a little.
Alistair Chesterfield: Not quite. You’ve done very good work, but you’re only halfway there. Still we need a breakthrough.
Sam: I got a breakthrough – why don’t you give us some of that candy?
Sam turns to her left and reaches for a large candy dish. Bookie holds her back.
Bookie Newton: No Sam. You know the rules. Candy gives her nightmares.
Sam: I hate the devil, but I love his sugary poison.
Sam grins in a creepish manner. Jackman again cracks a brief chuckle.
Alistair Chesterfield: Well, my little sleuths, we don’t have much time.
Jackman faces the carpet as he struggles to keep a straight face.
Sam: Fine! Let’s re-enact the crime!
Bookie Newton: Backwards!
Both: A re-en-back-ment!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Excellent! I haven’t done one of those in years. Let’s begin.
Sam gets down on both her knees and places her faces into the floor.
Sam: Lady Worthington was found here – face down on the floor.
Bookie Newton: She obviously fell asleep while outlining herself in this chalk.
Sam: Yeah.
Sam gets up with a candlestick in her hand.
Sam: While she was sleeping, the killer hit her with this candlestick.
Chesterfield grabs the candlestick and begins moving backwards and moves to a mantelpiece
Alistair Chesterfield: Which was grabbed from this cluttered, nearby mantelpiece!
Sam: Yeah. And this must have meant the killer snuck up from behind her.
Bookie begins to walk backwards through a door.
Bookie Newton: Therefore the killer must have entered through this door.
Sam: What happens now, Alistair Chesterfield?
Alistair Chesterfield: It’s simple, Sam. Bookie will keep backing up until he ends up at the killer’s point of origin.
Sam: Well, maybe we should eat some candy while we wait?
Sam moves towards the candy dish. Chesterfield holds her back.
Alistair Chesterfield: Do you think that’s such a good idea, Sam?
Sam: Yes!
Bookie races in, out of breath.
Bookie Newton: I backed up what must have seemed forever. Until I found myself in the butler’s quarters!
Franklin comes behind Chesterfield, setting down a new tray of tea, before everyone turns to him and Franklin shakes the tray and loses control. DRAMATIC REVEAL MUSIC CUES IN. Sanz holds back a laugh as the clutter of the tray nearly hits him.
Franklin: That crusty old bitch deserved it!! She hadn’t given me a raise in 24 years!
Alistair Chesterfield: Take yourself to the nearest jail, Franklin.
Franklin: As you wish, sir.
Franklin exits with poise, but stops at the Newtons.
Franklin: Damn you little sleuths!!
Both: Case closed!!
Both shake hands in much vigor.
Alistair Chesterfield: Shall we share a ride to the train station?
Bookie Newton: Actually, our nanny’s waiting outside and she gives me an erection, so I kind of want to go with her.
Sam: Hey Bookie, what’s an erection?
Bookie Newton: Break it down!
Sam: Well, “erect” means something “straight up”, and “ion” means to “beat it”!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. Those little sleuths…
Chesterfield smiles as he smokes his pipe, watching them exit.
[Opens with a shot of the icy fortress of solitude inthe North Pole. Superman goes in and stands in frontof a bunched up ice made crystals in a podium]
Superman: Finally, after a lifetime of wondering Iwill discover the secrets of my past. With thiscrystal the mystery of my true identity will berevealed.
[Pushes crystal into the podium, a big face of a whitehaired man appears. Heroic music plays]
Jor-El: My son. You do not remember me. I am Jor-El. Iam your father.
Superman: Father!
Jor-El: As time is measured on earth I have been deadfor many thousands of years.
Superman: Who am I?
Jor-El: You are Kal-El. The last son of Krypton.Defender of the light that is truth and justice.
Superman: Father, I have so many questions.
Jor-El: And together we shall find the answers. All myknowledge, all my wisdom are stored in this crystals Ibequeath to you. My only son.
[Heroic music stops. Awkward pause]
Jor-El: So, how’s it going?
Superman: Fine.
Jor-El: That’s good.
Superman: How are you?
Jor-El: Great.
Superman: Cool.
Jor-El: You need any money?
Superman: No, no. I’m all right.
Jor-El: Good.
Superman: Thanks, though.
Jor-El: Sure.[long uncomfortable pause]You’re motherwants to say hello.
Superman: Oh, cool.
[Jor-El goes away, big face of Superman’s mom appears,heroic music plays]
Superman’s Mom: My dear Kal-El. As time is measured onearth….
Superman: Yeah, dad already told me that, mom.
[Heroic music stops]
Superman’s Mom: Oh, so how are you sweetie?
Superman: Fine.
Superman’s Mom: You’re so grown up. And colorful.
Superman: What’s that supposed to mean?
Superman’s Mom: Oh, nothing, nothing. So, do you haveany friends?
Superman: Friends? Yeah, Lois Lane.
Superman’s Mom: Oh, you have agirlfriend.[relieved]Thank God.
Superman: No, mom, mom, mom. She’s not really mygirlfriend.
Superman’s Mom: Oh.
Superman: Yeah, we’re just buddies, we’re just buddieslike Jimmy Olsen, this teenage kid I hang out with.
Superman’s Mom:[distressed]Oh…
Superman: What?
Superman’s Mom: Nothing, nothing, no, nothing Ijust…here, your father wants to say something.
[Angry whispering between the two big heads ofSuperman’s parents]
Jor-El: Hey, son.
Superman: Hey, dad.
Jor-El: So, what else? Do you have a dog?
Superman: No, no. I’m thinking of getting one though.
Jor-El: Good. Great. You should. Well, anyway I betterlet you go.
Superman: Say good-bye to mom.
Jor-El: You bet.
Superman: Ok, bye dad.
Jor-El: Oh, Kal-El?
Superman: Yeah?
Jor-El: Nothing. See ya.
Superman: Ok, bye.
[Jor-El’s face disappears. Superman puts anothercrystal into the podium. An old white haired lady’sbig face appears]
Josh Hartnett: Thank you, thanks for coming along you guys. Thanks, thank you. Thanks a lot yeah, alright… no no no, it’s okay, it’s okay. Thanks a lot you guys.
Hi, I’m Josh Hartnett. Well, you know what? I know you guys are probably expecting to see the same old Josh Hartnett stuff tonight, but… you’re in for a big surprise… because I’m not gonna be the Josh Hartnett that you’re used to seeing, alright?
Jimmy Fallon: Josh, Josh, Josh! Can I talk to you for a second?
Josh Hartnett: Yeah Jimmy, what are you doing? I’m kind of in the middle of something
Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Josh Hartnett: What do you mean? What are you talking about? I’m being the new Josh Hartnett, you know, I think people are kinda sick of the old Josh Hartnett.
Jimmy Fallon: No, not, not, not a good idea.
Josh Hartnett: Well, I’m trying to think outside of the Josh Hartnett box.
Jimmy Fallon: Not cool man! Not cool!
Josh Hartnett: Okay well, how would you know about that anyway?
Jimmy Fallon: I did it already I became the new Jimmy Fallon.
Josh Hartnett: What are you talking about? When did you do this?
Jimmy Fallon: This was way back in 2000
Josh Hartnett: Oh
Jimmy Fallon: Things were different back then.
Josh Hartnett: I remember that.Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I mean, you gotta remember this was a long time ago. This was back before they had iPods, you know This is back when cell phones now they’re this big back then they were this big. I tried to be the new Jimmy Fallon but I was young. I trusted the wrong people I don’t know, take a look
(shows a picture of Jimmy with a mustache and shorts)
Josh Hartnett: That’s that’s not good man.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah I, I know
Josh Hartnett: I mean, that’s pretty bad.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Josh Hartnett: I mean I really can’t believe you still work here
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, let it go! Alright? Look, my point is that not everybody is tired of the old Josh Hartnett.
Josh Hartnett: Really?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah
Josh Hartnett: Are you you’re not tired of the old Josh Hartnett?
Jimmy Fallon: I’ve been working with you all week, I’m a little tired of the old Josh Hartnett.
Josh Hartnett: Well, did you use to like the old Josh Hartnett?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, the new Jimmy Fallon he really, really, really liked almost too much. I mean, do I have to show you the picture again? It was too much.
(shows the picture again)
Josh Hartnett: Yeah, well thanks Jimmy, thanks a lot man.
Jimmy Fallon: You’re welcome.
Josh Hartnett: Do you wanna stick around for the rest of this or
Jimmy Fallon: No, I gotta go
Josh Hartnett: Alright man Jimmy Fallon.
Well, We do have a great show for you guys tonight. The old Josh Hartnett is here. Pink is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
