Category: 2002

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Gabby Connors…..Horatio Sanz
Sean Kelly…..Matt Damon

[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)

[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow!! Hey! Dig this! Tonight, we’re gonna meet some animals that are very messy, becuase some of them were raised in a barn! I’m very excited! so, let’s get going! Our first guest is like a human cactus! Please welcome.. a porcu-pi-i-i-ine!

[ Dale Dudley enters with porcupine ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?!

Dale Dudley: Uh.. I’m Dale Dudley, from the Texas Wildlife Center in Austin.

Brian Fellow: Hello, Austin!

Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] No, I’m from the Wildlife Center in Austin. My name is Dale Dudley.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!!

Dale Dudley: Hello, Brian. I want you to meet my porcupine friend – his name is Willy.

Brian Fellow: That rat needs a haircut!

Dale Dudley: You’re.. half right. The porcupine is in the rodent family. Those hairs are actually a thousand quills.

Brian Fellow: All I’m saying is he needs a haircut! Looking all homeless, and stuff!

Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] His shaggy appearance is helpful in many ways.

Brian Fellow: Well, I imagine that his short quils are evolution’s way of providing him with an excellent defense against his natural predators!

Dale Dudley: [ smiles ] Yea-ah! That’s very good, yeah.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brain Fellow!!

Dale Dudley: [ continues ] And his quills are also important in the mating process, see? The male impregnates the female by spraying her quills..

Brian Fellow: [ angered ] Hush up! That dirty talk!

Dale Dudley: I’m sorry?

Brian Fellow: We don’t talk about the birds and the bees on this show! Unless our guests are birds or bees! And sometimes not even then!

Dale Dudley: I’m sorry.

Brian Fellow: Keep it clean, please!

Dale Dudley: Alright. Well.. the quills are also used in self-defense. The tail is covered with over 30,000 quills, set in, uh.. you know, snake barbs. Right? So, they can give you avery nasty prick-

Brian Fellow: See, that’s it! I said no dirty talk! That is it! Take him away! You and your shaggy friend have to go! Please! [ Dale exits with his porcupine ] Put some soap in your mouth! I apologize about that, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully, we’ll bleep that on the West Coast. [ pauses, then smiles ] Our next guest likes mus and going to the market. Please welcome, a pot-bellied pi-i-i-i-igg!

[ Sean Kelly enters with pot-bellied pig ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Sean Kelly: I’m Sean Kelly, from the Shawndale Ranch in Modesto, California.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!

Sean Kelly: Hi, Brian!

Brian Fellow: Hi-i-i!!

Sean Kelly: Hello. Uh.. this is Zevon.. and he’s a two-year old pot-bellied pig.

Brian Fellow: I don’t care what he is! He better not talk dirty like that cactus rat! I know that!

Sean Kelly: Uh, no.. he won’t.. but, although pigs are known to play in the mud a bit, they are surprisingly, uh.. clean animals. They make excellent housepets..

Brian Fellow: Why does that pig hate Jewish people?! Why? Why? Tell us why he hates Jewish people!

Sean Kelly: [ confused ] I-I have no idea what you’re talking about..

Brian Fellow: Well, you would think that, since they don’t eat him, he would be happy!

Sean Kelly: [ more confused ] O-kay. [ quick pause ] Well, miniature pot-bellied pigs aren’t bred to be eaten by anyone, so.. so they are happy.

Brian Fellow: I know your pig got a fat gut! He should wear a big belt buckle! That’s what my Uncle Kool-Aid does.

Sean Kelly: [ confused ] You have an Uncle Kool-Aid?

Brian Fellow: Leave Kool-Aid out of this, please! So, tell us: how is different than a regular pig?

Sean Kelly: Oh, well, that’s a great question. Uh.. besides the obvios size.. [ touches top of pig cage ]

Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] Don’t let him out!

Sean Kelly: Well, okay, but.. but.. besides the obvious size difference, the snout on miniatures is significantly longer than most..

[ Sean keeps talking, as Brian’s mind wanders to thoughts of the porcupine talking to him ]

Porcupine: Hey, Brian! Your show is going down the toilet! There’s only one way to save it: let me show everybody my weiner!

Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] NO!!! IU son’t want to see your weiner!

Sean Kelly: [ confused ] Uh, well.. I.. I had no intention of showing you my weiner.

Brian Fellow: Well, can you and your bloated friend kill a porcupine?!

Sean Kelly: Uh.. I run a shelter for animals.. I don’t kill them..

Brian Fellow: [ waves $5 bill seductively ] What if Abe Lincoln asked you to do it?

Sean Kelly: Absolutely not!

Brian Fellow: Well, I guess I gotta kill him myself! Well, that’s all the time we have for today! Join me next time when my guest will be a fruit fly! ‘Cause that’s crazy!! And I’m Brian Fellow!!

[ music plays, fade to dark ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Goodnights

…..Matt Damon

Matt Damon: Thanks to Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band! Thank you, everybody! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Hannibal Goes to College

Hannibal Lecter…..Matt Damon
Roommate #1…..Seth Meyers
Roommate #2…..Will Forte
Roommate #3…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mrs. Lecter…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Before “The Silence Of The Lambs”. Before “Hannibal”. There was a vision of evil in its purest form – “Red Dragon”. But before that, there was the first and most terrifying chapter of the Hannibal Lecter saga.

[ dissolve to Hannibal Lecter entering his college dorm room for the first time ]

Hannibal Lecter: Well, hello, gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Announcer: His freshman year of college.

Hannibal Lecter: I’m Hannibal. And, since we’re going to be roommates this year, then, perhaps, you’d ike to join me for dinner. [ Roommate #3 rubs his crotch at Hannibal ] Or, how about some frisbee in the quad, or hackeysack? [ Roommate #3 throws an empty beer can at Hannibal’s head ] Very well, then.

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. A psychopath. A genius. A freshman at Michigan State. To understand evil, you must witness its savage beginnings.

[ dissolve to Hannibal holding up a poster ]

Hannibal Lecter: So.. does anyone mind if I hang this up over here?

Roommate #1: Bite me!

Hannibal Lecter: Oh, I assure you.. I’d like nothing better. [ flicks his tongue menacingly ]

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Roommate #2: Dude! I told you he was gay!

Hannibal Lecter: I’m not gay! I’m telling you.. I want to taste your sweet flesh. Okay, that does sound a little gay..

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. Evil is shaped. Cruelty is refined. And savagery earns extra pizza mony by working in the cafeteria.

[ dissolve to Hannibal returning to the room from work ]

Roommate #3: Dude. I think you got a message.

Hannibal Lecter: I can tell by the tone of your voice, that you have something in your past that terrified you. Something that steals your sleep, bathes your sheets in a cold sweat.

Roommate #3: Just answer your message, Asswipe!

[ Hannibal plays the message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Hannie, honey.. hi, it’s Mom. I got your messagge. and, if those boys tease you about wearing your bathing suit in the shower, you tease them right back!

Roommate #1: Woosie! woosie!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Hannibal Lecter: I wouldn’t mock me. Once before, a man mocked me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice-

[ answering machine plays next message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Oh, honey.. don’t overdo it on the fava beans, now. You know how they give you the toots. Bye bye!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Announcer: Madness. Genius. Evil.

[ dissolve to Hannibal sitting on the toilet with an empty roll of toilet paper ]

Hannibal Lecter: You know, fellows.. out of four roommates, you would think that I wouldn’t have to be the only one who gets new toilet paper. I mean, it’s common courtesy – you use up a roll, you get a new one.

Announcer: His evil can be contained. But it cannot be controlled.

[ dissolve to Hannibal standing in front of the mirror, hairbrush held in front of him like a microphone as he sings along to the “Theme From WKRP In Cincinnati” ]

Hannibal Lecter:
“Baby, if you’ve ever wondered
Wondered what ever became of me.
I’m living on the air.. in Cincinnati
Cincinnati, WKRP.”

Roommate #1: Dude. What are you doing?

Hannibal Lecter: [ meekly ] Pretending I’m Johnny Fever..?

Announcer: The beginning of evil. “Hannibal Lector Goes To College”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Hannibal wearing a muffler over his mouth ]

Hannibal Lecter: Gentlemen..

[ dissolve to full shot of Hannibal harnessed from head to toe ]

..Let me out of here!

[ SUPER: “This Fall” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The War On Iraq

Announcer…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: [ over picture of Saddam Hussein ] He was the Middle East’s most ruthless despot, that iron-fisted tyrant with no reason to go. Until.. [ show picture of President George W. Bush ] ..he came into office.

From the network that brought you “E.R.”, “Friends”, and “Good Morning, Miami”, comes a landmark television event.

“The War On Iraq”. It’s the story of a son’s promise, to finish the job his father didn’t. It’s the story of oil.. oppression.. nd moustaches – lots and lots of Tom Selleck moustaches.

With special guest star: Tony Blair. Are Tony Blair and George W. falling in love? Find out in.. “The War On Iraq”. Coming to NBC this fall.. or possibly December.. or in the new year.. Nobody seems to know for sure.

Voiceover: [ quickly ] In the event we don’t attack Iraq, NBC will air encore editions of “Fear Factor”, starring Joe Rogan.

[ show image of Joe Rogan ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Matt Damon’s Monologue

…..Matt Damon
Justin Guarini…..Maya Rudolph
Caitlin…..Maya Rudolph
Britney Spears…..Amy Poehler
Justin Timberlake…..Matt Damon
Snap…..Chris Kattan

Matt Damon: Thank you very much! Alright! I am so excited to be here, hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”! Alright! You know, I knew I was hosting all the way back in June, and I’ve been thinking about this all summer. There were so many great stories! I’m serious! There were so many stories that would have been perfect for me to do on this show. For instance, like the Martha Stewart scandal. I mean, I could have, like, played her broker: “Sell, Martha! Sell!” Or, one of my favorite fighters of all time – Mike Tyson – before the fight: “My defense is impregnable!” And then, after the fight: “Lennox, you hit me so hard!” And how about that dude from “American Idol”? I know Maya was dying to play that guy.

[ Maya Rudolph steps out dressed as Justin Guarini ]

Justin Guarini: “I don’t care how you get her, just.. get here. If you ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!”

[ Maya exits ]

Matt Damon: See, that would’ve been fun if we could have done that one. But there was one thing that happened this summer, that I really wanted to do, in a role I knew I could play. It was right there on the cover of US Weekly, in the upper right-hand corner. [ dissolve to slide of US Weekly with photo of Britney and Justin’s angy dance-off ] The break-up of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears, and their subsequent angry dance-off. The one that occurred in a posh L.A. nightclub called The Lounge, on August 1st, 2002. And so, without further ado.. [ removes jacket and dress shirt, to reveal back t-shirt with Justin sequined across the chest ] I present to you, my favorite story of the summer. Uh.. when you next see me, I’ll be playing the part of Justin Timberlake.

[ dissolve to exterior, The Lounge ]

[ dissolve to interior of dance club, as Britney spears and her posse enter ]

Caitlin: That sushi was so good, you guys! Oh, my God – Britney, Justin’s here!

Britney Spears: Wha-at? Are you sure Caitlin? Turn around and check it out, JIC.

Caitlin: What?

Britney Spears: JIC! Just In Case!

Caitlin: Oh. [ looks, ] Uh.. yeah. It’s him.

Britney Spears: Ugh! So much drama for a Chill Thursday, y’all!

Justin Timberlake: Hey, yo, Snap! There’s Britney and her fake peeps!

Snap: And those girls she’s been hangin’ with.

Justin Timberlake: YFR.

Snap: Huh?

Justin Timberlake: You Fo’ Real.

Snap: Pfft!

Britney Spears: I can hear you, Justin! And, by the way, what are you doing in my club?

Justin Timberlake: Your club? Puh-leez! My stylist was the one who found this place and told your publicist about it, yo!

Britney Spears: Huh! Oh, really? Why don’t you talk to the face! ‘Cause the hands too busy on.. things.. often. Whatever!

Justin Timberlake: Yo! We ain’t goin’ nowhere, bizzy-o-o-o-o-otch!

Britney Spears: We’re not going either, y’all!

Caitlin: Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it, Justin, huh?

Justin Timberlake: Well, I don’t know, maybe.. bust a move?

[ the two groups gasp in amazement at the building intensity ]

Britney Spears: You’re gonna bust a move?! That’s funny! ‘Cause I thought I taught you how to bust a move, back in Orlando! Okay, everyone, let’s clear this mess out!

Snap: Angry Dance-Off, yo!

Justin Timberlake: Word!

Caitlin: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Britney Spears: So.. are you ready for this?

Justin Timberlake: Yeah, yeah.. you ready to feel the funk? Check it!

[ “Everybody Dance Now” plays, as Justin demonstrates his moves ]

Justin Timberlake: Alright, what’s up! What’s up, now?

Britney Spears: Alright.. looks like the running man almost got away from you. Bass!

[ bass sounds play, as Britney demonstrates her moves ]

Justin Timberlake: That ain’t nothing!

Britney Spears: Oh, ya’ll, that makes my boobs hurt!

[ the music stops ]

Justin Timberlake: Yo! You think this is over? Jizzy-T in the hizzy-t!

[ Snap pulls out a chair for Justin to dance with ]

Caitlin: Oh, my God, you guys, Justin brought out the chair!

[ “Gloria” plays, as Justin performs a dance move with the chair ]

Justin Timberlake: Unh!

Britney Spears: Enh!

Justin Timberlake: Unh!

Britney Spears: Ahh!

Caitlin: Oh, my God, y’all, it’s a Sexy Moan-Off!

Justin Timberlake: Hee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Britney Spears: I-yyyi-yyyi-yyyi!

[ Justin admits his defeat; Mat Damon breaks character to end the scene ]

Matt Damon: Anyway.. and scene! So, that’s it! That’s the scene I always wanted to do over the summer. Thank you for letting me do it, guys. Uh.. we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The NRA I

Hunter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Hunter #2…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on two hunters squatting behind marsh weeds, looking for potential kills ]

Hunter #1: We’re not getting anything today..

Hunter #2: I don’t even care! I’m just happy to be up and around after that accident on the job.

Hunter #1: I know the company paid your bills.. but missing all those days at work must have been rough on the wallet.

Hunter #2: Nicole was worried for a little bit.. but I got insurance that pays for all that.

Duck In Pond: AFLAC!

Hunter #1: ??

Duck In Pond: AFLAC! AFLAC!

[ the hunters raise their guns, blowing the AFLAC duck to smithereens ]

Announcer: Happy hunting season, from the National Rifle Association.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The NRA II

Hunter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Hunter #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers

[ open on two hunters squatting behind marsh weeds, still looking for potential kills ]

Hunter #2: I don’t think we’re gonna get anything else.

Hunter #1: You wanna call it a day?

Hunter #2: Ah, hang on.. I got one more idea.. Hey, what’s the best way to make a collect call?

Hunter #1: I don’t know..

[ Carrot Top suddnely surfaces from the weeds, clutching a pay phone ]

Carrot Top: Hey, big game hunters!! Fixin’ to make a collect call?! Then make sure you dial 1-800-CALL-ATT!

[ Hunter #1 raises his gun, Carrot Top cowers in sudden fear ]

Hunter #2: Dude! Wait! [ a beat ] Remember to take the safety off.

Hunter #1: Right.

[ the hunters fire their guns at Carrot Top ]

Carrot Top V/O: Hey! You guys owe me a new phone!

Announcer: Remember to take the safety off. A friendly reminder from the National Rifle Association.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Nutri-Quick

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Co-Worker #1…..Seth Meyers
Carlson…..Jeff Richards
Co-Worker #2…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: You are what you eat. And, when you’re on the go, you don’t have time for the kind of nutritious meal that your body craves.

[ Co-Worker runs past Carlson, who is trying to eat an armful of lunch items ]

Co-Worker #1: One o’clock meeting. Right, Carlson?

Announcer: And that’s where we come in – the Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go. [ holds up product package ] All the essential nutrients of a well-balanced meal, squeezed into one easy-to-use anal suppository.

[ individual layers of nutrients are piled on top one another in computer graphic, becoming a big block ]

Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go provides protein, calcium, potassium iron, vitamins A, C, D, and fiber. At levels more than twice the FDA recommended daily allowances, and 1.3 times that of the leading energy bar. Now, that’s nutrition I can feel.

[ show Carlson waddling down the hall, with the indention showing under the back of his pants ]

Announcer: So, why slam it?

[ show Carlson with a desk full of food, trying to eat it all ]

Announcer: When you can cram it.

[ show Co-Worker #2 talking to Carlson ]

Co-Worker #2: Hey, Carlson. Great work on that report! What’s your secret?

Carlson: Well.. let’s just say I put my lunch.. up my butt!

[ they share the laugh ]

Announcer: Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go suppositories. Now with high-protein lubricant.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

NBC Special Report

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: And now, an NBC Special Report.

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw in the NBC News Studio ]

Tom Brokaw: Good evening. I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight: The War on Iraq. What once seemed like a foregone conclusion, is now mired in political debate. Stalled by Sdaams’ own shell game, and confused by Here to discuss the administration’s plans, from the Persian Gulf, aboard the submarine USS Louisville, vice-President Dick Cheney.Mr. Vice-President?

[ cut to Vice-President Dick Cheney sitting atop a flying missile ]

Dick Cheney: Actually, Tom, I’m no longer on the USS Louisville, as you can see. I’m now sitting on a 1500-ton Tomahawk missile en route to Baghdad!

Tom Brokaw: Mr. Vice-President..I’m sorry, but wasn’t the plan to wait until Congress debated the issue?

Dick Cheney: That was one plan. I had another plan, Tom! You don’t get a pacemaker sitting around watching Anna nichole smith, waiting for the rest of the wrold to join up. Besides, it’s nice to have a missile this size between my legs! [ chuckles ]

Tom Brokaw: It looks like you’re having a snack up there, Mr. Vice-President?

Dick Cheney: It’s a Lunchablkes mini-pizza, tom. They don’t serve a meal on this flight, baby!

[ cell phone rings ]

Dick Cheney: Hold on! I gotta take this, Tom! [ answers cell phone ] Yeah, hello? Hello, Mr. President. No, I’m fine. Hey, listen, you’ll never guess where I’m at. No, I’m not at a sprting goods store! no, I’m not at a taco stand. No, I’m not at Ikea! Yuo know what? Stop guessing! I’m on a missile! [ laughs ] Yeah, I’m heading right into Baghaf! Instant regime change, sir! What’s that? Oh, you want me to tell Saddam something? No. No! I’m not going to say to Saddam, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” You know what? If I may, though, I’d like to pass on to our European friends, and members of Congess, Tom Daschel, the Chinese, I’ve got a helpful reminder – they can all suck on it! Oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The Sex Robot

Doctor Flemming…..Matt Damon
Bambi…..Amy Poehler
Jasper…..Chris Kattan
Rex…..Jeff Richards
Congressman Applegate…..Chris Parnell
General Mills…..Darrell Hammond

Flemming: (reading a magazine) Oh, those guys are funny… and ruthless. You don’t mess with the fashion police.

Jasper: Doctor, we’ve got trouble. Congressman Applegate is on his way to see you.

Flemming: (panicked) Try and stall them Jasper. I wasn’t prepared for this. (he pulls out some stuff and puts it on the desk) I have to try and look busy here. (he puts on a white coat) I wish I had some test tubes or something… (two men walk in and Dr. Flemming picks up the phone and starts talking) Ah yes Professor… Johnson. That data you sent over was quite scientific… And for the love of god, please return those test tubes… goodbye fellow scientist. (hangs up the phone, and shakes the men’s hands) Congressman Applegate, General Mills.

Congressman Applegate: Doctor Flemming, unless we see results today, we have no choice but to cut your funding for the secret government project.

Flemming: I just need a little more time and money.

Congressman Applegate: We’ve given you over 19 million dollars in the last 5 years. Your time is up. We need to see the sex robot.

General Mills: You know how important the sex robot is in our fight against terrorism.

Flemming: It isn’t a sex robot as you so crudely put it… it’s the SexBot 2000. An artificial life form called ‘Project Bambi’.

General Mills: Son, you are trying our patience.

Flemming: (to his intercom) Rex… bring in the SexBot 2000. (to General Mills and Congressman Applegate) There’s a few kinks I have to work out, but I think you will be impressed. (Rex brings in Bambi sitting on a large covered up box). It was modelled after my girlfriend Bambi.

Rex: The SexBot is in working order, doctor.

Flemming: Thank you Rex. (Rex leaves)

Congressman Applegate: Very impressive. (the two men begin touching the robot’s skin, legs etc.)

General Mills: Good lord, she is beautiful.

Congressman Applegate: Feels good too.

Bambi: Please, I belong to Doctor Flemming…

Congressman Applegate: Come on doctor, let us take her for a test drive.

Flemming: That’s not the robot, that’s my girlfriend.

Congressman Applegate: I’m sorry.

Flemming: I have never been so offended, now get out!

General Mills & Congressman Applegate: I’m sorry, a thousand apologies.. (they leave, but walk back in outraged)

Congressman Applegate: Wait a minute, we gave you 19 million dollars! We’re not leaving until we see the sex robot.

Flemming: Very well, gentlemen. (Bambi jumps of the covered up box, and takes the cloth off to reveal a trashcan) I give you the SexBot 2000. (Bambi spins the trashcan around to reveal a hole in the side of it, she walks to the door)

Congressman Applegate: It’s a trash can with a glory hole!!

Flemming: It’s also got a drink holder on the side, pretty sweet, huh?

Congressman Applegate: I’m calling the president.

Flemming: You haven’t even tested it. Step up, drop your drawers, take a knee, give her a spin.

Congressman Applegate: I’m not sticking my thing in there.

Flemming: No, its cool. We’ve done extensive performance trials on a bunch of hobos. Try it out.

Congressman Applegate: No.

Flemming: How about you General? Can’t knock it til you try it.

General Mills: That is disgusting. (Jasper appears out of the top of the trash can).

Jasper: Doc, it’s getting really hot in here.

Flemming: Just a few more moments there Jasper. (he puts the lid back on with Jasper still inside)

Congressman Applegate: There’s a guy in there!!

General Mills: Okay, I’ll try it out.

Congressman Applegate: Didn’t you hear? I just said they’re a guy in there.

General Mills: I thought you said there’s a really hot girl in there. Its my bad okay?

Congressman Applegate: I’m curious how we ever gave a multimillion dollar grant to a scientist like you.

Flemming: Actually, I got the idea from late night TV. You know the guy with the question marks on his suit?

Congressman Applegate: He is the bane of our existence.

General Mills: You would not believe how much that man has cost the U.S. military.

Congressman Applegate: Well, your funding is over doctor Flemming..

Flemming: Cool, well if you change your mind, me and Bambi will be in Cabot. (Flemming and Bambi leave)

Congressman Applegate: We are in some hot water, General Mills. The president is going to be furious. Well, let’s go tell him.

General Mills: I’ll be right behind you, I’m just going to, ah… make a couple of calls.

Congressman Applegate: Okay. (he leaves)

(Jasper attempts to get out of the trash can)

General Mills: Whoa… not yet son. (he pushes the lid down)

(fade out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts