Category: 2002

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Al Gore’s Monologue

…..Al Gore
Sen. Edwards…..Chris Kattan
Sen. Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

Al Gore: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to ne here tihs week in New York, working with this fantastic cast! You know, the good news about not being President is that I have my weekends free. The bad news is that my weekdays are also free. But I just want to say at the outset tonight is not about rehashing things from my past. I mean, we all know there are a few things I should have done differently in the 2000 campaign. Maybe, at times, I was a little wooden and stiff, and I sighed too mcuh, and people said I was patronizing – patronizing, of course, means “talking to people like they’re stupid.” and, maybe they were right.

There’s also a lot about the campaign I’m very proud of. For example, I’ve said many times that one of the best decisions I made was asking Joe Lieberman to be my running-mate. Now, a lot of people don’t realize how intense the process of chooisng a Vice-President can be. It can really get more emotional than oyu would think. [ rubbing chin ] I remember it like it was yesterday..

[ flashback begins; fade to Malibu beach house ]

Al Gore V/O: I had started out with twenty possible running-mates.. and, by July, I had narrowed it down to three.

[ dissolve to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]

Al Gore: Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman. I want to thank you all for agreeing to spend six weeks with me here in Malibu with me.

Sen. Lieberman: This house is so beautiful!

Al Gore: Only one of you will be chosen. But know in your hearts, that you are all very special politicians.

[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards ]

Sen. Edwards: [ in southern accent ] My heart was beating was so fast! When I entered into this, it was kinda as a joke. But now I really wanted him to pick me!

[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry ]

Sen. Kerry: [ confident ] I mean, I’m not worried. There’s a lot of pretty faces around here, but.. come on. I’m the total package! ‘Cause, you know what? I have eleven electoral votes – and I know how to use them.

[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]

Al Gore: John Kerry came on a little too strong. Edwards.. I liked. He’s young, he’s energetic..

[ dissolve to Gore having candlelight dinner with Sen. Edwards ]

Al Gore: ..33% of Hispanic-Americans go without coverage for everyday needs, like blood pressure and diabetes medication. That’s just unacceptable.

[ show close-up of Sen. Edward’s love-smitten face ]

Sen. Edwards: You’re amazing! How did you get to be so smart?

[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]

Al Gore: Sen. Edwards might be a little too young. Also, he’s from the south, and I love that.. but I just came out of a long-term relationship with a guy from the south, so.. I’m looking for something new. Joe Lieberman and I really hit it off..

[ dissolve to Gore and Leiberman naked in a streaming rose petal-strewn jacuzzi ]

Al Gore: I think we need to take these Social Security funds, that people have worked so hard for, and keep them away from the volatility of the stock market.

Sen. Lieberman: I so totally agree with you.

Al Gore: These funds need to be protected. They need to be put aside.

Sen. Lieberman: I know.. in some kind of.. metaphorical..

Together: Lock-box!

Sen. Lieberman: Oh, my God..!

[ they clink their champagne glasses together, twist their arms around one another’s, and sip ]

[ dissolve back to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]

Al Gore: I want you to know.. that I respect all of you. And I wish I could have three runing-mates, but it’s just not constitutionally viable. [ holds up single long-stemmed rose ] I’ve made my decision.

[ Kerry looks cockily at Gore; Edwards looks at Gore hopefully; Lieberman exchanges a knowing wink with Gore ]

Al Gore: Joe.. will you be my running-mate?

Sen. Lieberman: [ excited ] Yes.. yes.. oh, ye-e-es!

[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry analyzing the results ]

Sen. Kerry: [ weeping ] I can’t believe.. Al didn’t pick me! What is wrong with me..? If I can’t be in the White House.. as Al Gore’s Vice-President.. I don’t ever want to be in the White House..!

[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards analyzing the results ]

Sen. Edwards: I am so embarrassed that he didn’t pick me! I-I can’t believe I made out with him!

[ flashback fades, as we return to Gore standing at Home Base ]

Al Gore: It still pains me to think about how hard Kerry and Edwards cried that night. But I wish them the best, and I’m sure that they’ll make someone a wonderful Vice-President some day. Anyway. If I decide to host, we’ll have a great show for you tonight. Phish is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
…..Al Gore
…..Tipper Gore

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[ turns to camera ]

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, and it’s great to be back! As some of you probably know, I was hit, uh.. by a bus. And, um.. I’m grateful for all the cards.. and letters. Um.. I’d like to start the show.. by making an amends, uh.. to the bus driver, uh.. Luis Calogne, uh.. who felt terrible about the whole thing. Luis, uh.. it was not your fault. I was, uh.. having a horrible week.. I was in a horrendous chain spiral, and.. I essentially let.. the bus.. hit me. I, uh.. I guess I just wanted some drama, which.. I got in spades. And, so, uh.. Luis, I’m.. I’m sorry.

Well! We’ve got a great show today. Because my guests are Al and Tipper G., who have two books out – two books! Good for you! Good for you!

Tipper Gore: Thank you, Stuart.

Al Gore: We’re delighted to be here.

Stuart Smalley: I hear the book is about family?

Tipper Gore: The book is about..

Together: family!

Stuart Smalley: Which is terrific, because family is huge! A huge, huge issue.

Al Gore: Absolutely. And, in the books, we-

Stuart Smalley: [ interrupting ] My family’s extremely dusyfinctional. Mt father is an active alcholic.. big, stinking drunk.

Al Gore: Well.. in the book, we do profile families dealing with stress.

Stuart Smalley: Oh, yes.. and the stories are very inspiring.. wonderful.

Tipper Gore: Thank you.

Stuart Smalley: Well, I think you might have left out one family trauma that I think you two could have written very.. eloquently about.

Al Gore: Uh.. I’m not sure I follow you.

Stuart Smalley: Well, it’s something that happened to.. your family. [ a beat ] Tipper?

Tipper Gore: Honey? I think it’s about the.. election?

Al Gore: Well, sure.. that was a disappointment. But I wouldn’t describe it as.. “traumatic”.

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper?

Tipper Gore: Well.. it was difficult.

Stuart Smalley: Al? do you hear what Tipper is saying?

Al Gore: Yes. That the outcome of the election was very hard for.. her.. and the children.

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper.

Tipper Gore: Um.. well, honey..

Stuart Smalley: Go ahead, you can say the “E” word.

Tipper Gore: The eating.

Al Gore: Okay! I was a bit down, and I took some solace in.. food.

Stuart Smalley: Al? Tipper gave me this picture that she took about three months after the election. Now.. I think it’s pretty clear that you were in a humongous chain spiral.

Al Gore: Well, as you can see, I lost the weight, and I’m over it!

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper? Is he over it?

Tipper Gore: [ faux crying, grabs a Kleenex from Stuart ] Oh, thank you.

Stuart Smalley: Tipper?

Tipper Gore: It’s been difficult..

Stuart Smalley: Yes. Do you think that Al has feelings.. about not being President.

Tipper Gore: Yes.

Al Gore: Well, of course I have! I-

Stuart Smalley: Al, I’m talking to Tipper. [ turns to Tipper ] And, do you think that Al is maybe in denial about his feelings?

Al Gore: Oh, for goodness sakes!

Tipper Gore: Maybe a little.

Stuart Smalley: Do you think it might be good for the whole Gore Family if Al dealt with his.. his feelings?

Tipper Gore: Well.. sure, I do.

Stuart Smalley: You’re doing good work! Good work. Al?

Al Gore: [ fuming ] What?

Stuart Smalley: You are in.. denial. But we are going to trace it, face it, and erase it. I want you to look at the mirror – come on, don’t look at me, only you can help you. [ Al looks into the mirror ] Look at the mirror. Come on. That’s it. Okay. I want you to say.. “Hi, Me!”

Al Gore: [ relunctant ] Hi, Me.

Stuart Smalley: “I am sad.. about not being President.” Come on.

Al Gore: I am.. sad.. about not being.. President.

Stuart Smalley: “And that’s.. okay.”

Al Gore: And that’s okay.

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be the most powerful man in the world.”

Al Gore: I don’t have to be the most powerful.. man in the world.

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be able to.. [ thinking ] ..bomb a country any time I want.”

Al Gore: Look, I would never arbitrarily bomb..

Stuart Smalley: Okay, okay.. I-I-I’m sorry. Uh.. “All I have to do is be the best Al I can be.”

Al Gore: All I have to do is.. be the best Al I can be.

Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough..” Come on! “I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!”

Al Gore: Because I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!

Stuart Smalley: Feel better? You feel better?

Al Gore: Actually, I.. I do feel better!

Stuart Smalley: You do? You do feel better?

Al Gore: Yes. Actually, I do.

Stuart Smalley: Hug? [ holds arms out ]

Al Gore: No.

Stuart Smalley: Well! It’s been a great show, I want to thank the G.’s. You’ve been terrific. Goodbye! See you tomorrow.. I guess.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Coast Guard Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Vidalis…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule this week whether banning cross burning by groups like the Ku Klux Klan violates the First Amendment. The outcome could determine the entertainment at Trent Lott’s Christmas party.

In a continuing effort to apologize for the statements he made at Strom Thurmond’s birthday party, Trent Lott has agreed to appear on BET – Black Entertainment Television – next week, where he is expected to read the following statement: “I sincerely apologize to the black community for my insenesitive racial remarks, now y’all show some love for Trina & Ludicrus!”

The Navy anounced monday that his next aircraft carrier will be named after former President George Bush, Sr. In a related story, Carnival Cruise Lines’ Clinton of the Seas have been thoroughly disinfected, and will go back into service.

Aw, take a look at this picture. [ Santa Claus hugging a little black girl ] Boy.. we’d never have problems like this if Strom Thurmond was President!

With a Sunday deadline for a transit strike looming, New Yorkers face a possible Monday morning commute without subways or buses. In response, the city has designated areas where large groups of people can get together and shove each other.

United Airlines filed for Chapter 11 federal bankruptcy Monday in Chicago. Not surprisingly, the filing was an hour and 20 minutes behind schedule.

Tina Fey: Last Sunday, twelve-and-a-half million Americans watched “The Sopranos” season finale on HBO. And right after that, creeps like me watched the HBO documentary “Cathouse”, about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. Here now with a follow-up interview, two working girls from Moonlight Bunny Ranch – Coast Guard Carrie and Vidalis.

Coast Guard Carrie: Hi, Tina!

Vidalis: Hi, Tina! Hi, Jimmy!

Tina Fey: So now, from watching the documentary, it looks like most of the women really enjoy working at the Bunny Ranch.

Vidalis: Oh, we love it. I mean.. we’re professionals. Tina. We’re just like a sales team, except.. instead of getting commission, we get cold sores!

[ they laugh ]

Vidalis: Sorry, Tina. It’s kind of an in-joke.

Tina Fey: I think we all got it, actually.. So, how many times a day do you have sex?

Vidalis: Oh, Tina, at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, we don’t call it sex; we call it a party!

Coast Guard Carrie: Yeahh.. we really wanna party with you..

Vidalis: Depending on how much you wanna spend, you can have a Missionary party.. or a Back Porch party.. a Mouth party..

Coast Guard Carrie: You can have a Toe party.. a Back of the Knee party.. You can pretty much name any part of the body, and then say “party”, and we’ll do it.

Tina Fey: Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys make a lot of money working at the ranch, right?

Coast Guard Carrie: Oh, yeahhh.. we make, like, $10,000 a minute.

Tina Fey: Wow.. that’s pretty good.

Coast Guard Carrie: And we’re always looking for new girls, so you should really think about it, Tina.

Vidalis: And, Jimmy, come on down. Come on down – virgins get a discount!

Jimmy Fallon: What are you talking about?

Coast Guard Carrie: If you’re a virgin.. you can have an Elbow party for the price of an Ear party.

Jimmy Fallon: What? Why are you telling me this for?

Tina Fey: He’s a little shy about being a virgin. But.. what can I get him for.. [ retrieves loose change from her pocket ] ..this much?

Vidalis: Um.. a dollar-eighty? We could have.. [ thinking ] ..intercourse with him for three hours.

Tina Fey: Oh, great! The Bunny Ranch ladies, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: [ weakly ] That was just a joke, you know.

As a gesture of gratitude for all they’ve done for her, this week actress Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents. And, as a gesture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.

While serving as the emcee for the New York Women In Film & Television luncheon this week, Rosie O’Donnell attacked Winona Ryder, saying that she has been “stealing things for ten years,” and that “her last film sucked.” But Rosie can get away with making comments like that, because, after all, she’s the best middle linebacker in Jets history.

Seventeen-year old basketball phenom LeBron James, who may be the first pick in next year’s NBA draft, scored 31 points in his national television debut this week. This would have never happened if Strom Thurmond were President.

And, finally tonight, a 32-year old Bronx woman named Dawn Martinez gave birth to a baby on a Manhattan subway platform Monday. While no one stopped to help, a few people did throw dollar bills into her vagina.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

The West Wing

…..Al Gore
…..Martin Sheen
…..Allison Janney
…..John Spencer
…..Bradley Whitford

[ Al Gore, still holding chihuahua from the “Politica Fiesta” sketch, and standing on the same set, steps forward to address the audience ]

Al Gore: Recently, I was out in Hollywood, and I had a chance to visit the set of my favorite TV show, “The West Wing”. I had the time of my life.

[ fade to black, then pot up on exterior WB TV studio lot ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office set on “The West Wing” soundstage. Martin Sheen enters set with Al Gore following close behind ]

Martin Sheen: The set covers over two full sound stages, and it takes a crew of over 150 to run it every day.

Al Gore: [ impressed ] Wow! This is an exact replica! Actually dead-on. You know.. I spent a lot of time in the Oval Office, making important decisions with President Clinton.

Martin Sheen: Boy.. I can’t even imagine the enormous burdon of being President.

Al Gore: Yes. President and Vice-President. Say, um.. would you mind ig I, uh.. [ facing the “President”‘s desk ]

Martin Sheen: Oh, sure! Be my guest!

[ Al takes his seat in the “President”‘s chair, feeling very comfortable ]

Martin Sheen: I guess.. while you were Vice-President, you never actually.. got to sit in there?

Al Gore: [ not paying attention ] Sorry?

Martin Sheen: [ flustered ] I was just.. I guess.. you never actually sat in a president’s chair.

Al Gore: [ disillusioned ] No-o.. no, I did not.

[ Allison Janney enters the set ]

Allison Janney: Martin? They’re ready for us.

Martin Sheen: Great! Oh, Allison. I’d like you yo meet Mr. Al Gore.

Allison Janney: [ excited ] It is so wonderful to meet you!

Al Gore: Oh, the pleasure is mine.

Martin Sheen: [ to Al ] You know, Allison and I are about ready to shoot a scene in the Roosevelt Room.

Allison Janney: It’s about global warming.

Al Gore: [ not wanting to leave ] I think I’ll just stay here for a few minutes.. and I’ll catch up with you.

Martin Sheen: [ starting to feel weird about having Al Gore on the set ] Sure.

Al Gore: Great!

[ Martin Sheen and Allison Janney hesitantly exit the Oval Office set, as Gore relishes the feeling of sitting in the “President”‘s chair ]

[ dissolve to “Several hours later” ]

Al Gore: [ picks up red phone ] Get me Putin! [ picks up red phone again ] Get me.. Putin. [ picks up red phone again ] Get me Putin.

[ Martin Sheen re-enters set, with John Spencer in tow ]

Martin Sheen: Excuse me, sir. I’ve got someone who’s dying to meet you.

John Spencer: John Spencer, sir!

Al Gore: Of course! John! I’m a huge fan.

John Spencer: Thank you, sir.

Al Gore: Say, John.. could you do me a small favor?

John Spencer: Of course.

Al Gore: I’m gonna stand over here by the window, with my back to you. And I’d like you to.. step up to the desk and say, “Mr. President? The Joint Chiefs want an answer.”

[ Spencer looks at Sheen with disturbed horror ]

John Spencer: Sure.

[ Gore takes his place by the window ]

John Spencer: “Mr. President? The Joint Chiefs want an answer.”

Al Gore: [ turns dramatically to face Spencer ] “Tell them.. we’re going in!”

Martin Sheen: Anyway.. so.. we’re done for the day, and there’s a great sushi place right near the lot.

Al Gore: Can’t I just stay here?

John Spencer: The problem, sir, is that they.. kinda want to close down the studio.

Al Gore: Can’t I just lock up when I’m done? I’m not gonna take anything.

Martin Sheen: Uh.. suuure.. why not?

John Spencer: Yeah.

Allison Janney: Who is ready for mositashi?

John Spencer: He’s not coming.

Martin Sheen: He, uh.. wants to sit at the desk.. for a while.

Bradley Whitford: Well, he did win the Popular Vote.

[ they all murmur in agreement about the fact, then big a collective “Good night” to Gore before making their exit from the set ]

Al Gore: Good night!

[ the studio lights come down, as gore leans back in the “President”‘s chair and stays through the night ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Glen…..Al Gore
Oompa Loompas…..Chris Kattan, Fred Armisen, Will Forte

Announcer: We now return to “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, starring Gene Wilder and some midgets.

[ dissolve to Willy Wonka walking an anatomically-correct Charlie Bucket through the factory ]

Charlie Bucket: You mean it, Mr. Wonka? You really mean it?

Willy Wonka: I certainly do, Charlie. I’m giving my entire factory to you!

Charlie Bucket: Woooww!!

Willy Wonka: We just have one more stop to make before everything’s yours.

Charlie Bucket: Really? Where are we going?

Willy Wonka: Actually.. the thing is.. [ singing comically off-key ] “There’s no earthly way of knowing.. which direction we are going! There’s no knowing where we are going! Or which way the wind is BLOW-OW-ING!!” Actually, we’re just going to the ACcounting Department! [ laughs ] We have a lot of paperwork to get through. [ blows flute, causing office door to open ]

[ Willie Wonka and Charlie enter the office, where accountant Glen is checking orders over the phone ]

Glen: We put in an order for what?! 75,000 pounds of.. snozberries? What the hell is a snozberry?

Willy Wonka: Charlie? This is the factory accountant – my borther Glen. Glen Wonka!

Glen: [ on phone ] Listen, I’m gonna have to get back to you. [ hangs up ]

Willy Wonka: Glen? I have someone here I want you to meet. This.. is Charlie.

Glen: William, I told you not to bring tour groups through here.

Charlie Bucket: Say. Is anything here made out of candy?

Glen: No. Not really. But I think I have some Rolaids in my desk. Knock yourself out. Now.. if that’s all, I really have to get back to work. William. We have to take care of this Oompa-Loompa situation. They need green cards, William! We’re not making tennis shoes here.

Willy Wonka: Glen, Charlie isn’t here for the tour. I’m giving him sole ownership of the factory!

Glen: [ outraged ] You’re doing what?!

Willy Wonka: I’m giving the whole factory here to Charlie!

Glen: You gave our business to an eight-year old child?! For God’s sakes, why?!

Willy Wonka: Because a child’s dream.. is like a thousand candy rainbows.

Glen: Oh, yeah, that makes sense! I’ll tell that to our stockholders when they storm down here and beat us bloody with our candy canes!

Willy Wonka: Glen! Please!

Glen: No, William! I’ve had it! I put up with a lot working here! Riding that insane, psychadelic boat ot my office everyday! Having to step around piles and piles of Oompa-Loompa dung! But I am through with it!

Willy Wonka: What are you saying, Glen?

Glen: What I’m saying, William, is that, thanks to your wizwarbulous ideas, this factory is.. [ crumples reports ] ..hemorrhaging money!! You have a chocolate river running through here! And I’m pretty sure earlier today a fat kid drowned in it. You tell me how that’s helping our bottom line!

Willy Wonka: Glen, please, take it easy!

Glen: Wait! I almost forgot! There’s that billion dollars you spent on that machine that turns giant candy bars into tiny chocolate bars. Help me wrap my brain around that one.. ’cause I’m missing the big profit opportunity!

Charlie Bucket: Actually, that is a good point.

Glen: You want to know how bad things are?! You want to know?! [ into intercom ] Get the report on Third Quarter Earnings!

[ Oompa-Loompas enter office with a song ]

Oompa-Loompas: [ singing ]
“Oompa-Loompa Oopity-Do!
I’ve got the Third Quarter Earnings for you!”

Glen: Save it! I don’t have time. Just cut to the chase!

Oompa-Loompa: Uh.. [ reading ] You’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed.

Glen: That’s right. We’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed. And I am tired of it. The kid gloves are off, William! I think it’s really weird that every restroom in this factory has toilets made of graham cracker! I’ve never been comfortable with that! [ Willy Wonka grins like a mischievious jackass ] Is any of this getting through to you, you grinning goon?!

Willy Wonka: Glen, you’re missing the point! This factory isn’t about money. [ misty soundtrack sweeps over ] It’s about making your dreams come true.. no matter how strange or stupid that may seem. Isn’t that right, Charlie?

Charlie Bucket: No way! I’m in it for the long green! for God’s sake, all of my four grandparents sleep in one bed! [ snaps fingers ] Oompa-Loompas!

[ obeying Charlie’s command, the Oompa-Loompas drag a struggling Willy Wonka out of the office ]

Willy Wonka: But, Charlie! What about the magic!

Charlie Bucket: Glen? There are gonna be some changes around here. First: we get a hold of a whole bunch of cheap Mexican chocolate!

Glen: I love it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 11th, 2003

Jeff Gordon

Avril Lavigne

None

A Message From Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il (Horatio Sanz) warns United States to leave him alone.

Jeff Gordon’s Monologue

NASCAR wanna-be fans (Chris Parnell, Rachel Dratch) act rowdy for Gordon.

Joe Hetero

Joe (Seth Meyers) keeps his sexuality hidden from female admirers.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) think snake has arms hidden behind his back.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Access Hollywood

Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) is apprehended for driving under the influence.

Joe Caucasian

Joe (Tracy Morgan) keeps his skin color hidden from female admirers.

Career Day

Carpet salesman (Seth Meyers) can’t compete with fighter pilot (Gordon).

Star Dates

Single woman (Rachel Dratch) paired with rowdy Gary Busey (Jeff Richards) on date.

Joe Not-A-Rapist

Joe (Chris Parnell) keeps his sexual cravings hidden from female admirers.

Avril Lavigne performs “I’m With You”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Rael (Chris Kattan) introduces first cloned human Baby Eve (Rachel Dratch).

Jimmy Fallon mentally praises himself for Grammy nomination.

Gay Hitler (Chris Kattan) has gone Hollywood on Jimmy and Tina.

Gary’s Fish Tanks

Fish tank repairmen (Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon) kill fish while cracking up.

Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose (Jeff Richards) mixes Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) for Cheney.

Joe Dude

Joe (Tina Fey) keeps her gender hidden from female admirers.

Avril Lavigne performs “Complicated”

The Terrye Funck Show

Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) and cameraman cousin (Gordon) in mom’s basement.

Stripper Pole

In-house stripper pole can liven up any dull party.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 5th, 2002

Matt Damon

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

None

None
NBC Special ReportSummary: Live, via satellite, Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) rides on the back of a missle headed for Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Dick Cheney.

Note: This sketch was originally planned as a satellite commentary on Weekend Update, but was converted into a cold opening at the last minute because the original cold opening bombed during dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Montage

Matt Damon’s MonologueSummary: Because he wants to perform in a sketch about a huge summer news story, Matt Damon performs an impression of Justin Timberlake participating in a club dance-off with ex-girlfriend Britney Spears (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Justin Guarini, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears.

Transcript

The NRA ISummary: The AFLAC duck is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) won’t allow animal sex talk on his show.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

The NRA IISummary: Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carrot Top.

Transcript

Springsteen ConcertSummary: Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Transcript

Nutri-QuickSummary: Anal-suppository meals for when you’re really on-the-go.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.

Transcript

Hannibal Goes to CollegeSummary: A college-aded Hannibal Lecter (Matt Damon) attends Michigan State in the latest “Silence of the Lambs” prequel trailer.

Transcript

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band perform “Lonesome Day”Note: After an 18-year hiatus, Budweiser once again becomes the official sponsor of SNL’s musical guest segment.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers and Matt Damon give advice to Yankees fans. Spanish comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) teaches Jimmy Fallon how to tell comedy by using a catchphrase.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.

Transcript

Dr. Matt DamonSummary: A doctor named Matt Damon (Chris Parnell) doesn’t like being in movie star Matt Damon’s shadow.

Note: Ben Affleck was scheduled to make a cameo appearance during this sketch, but he had to cancel at the last minute.

Transcript

Versace PocketsSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces new and expensive microwave dinners.

Recurring Characters: Dontella Versace, Puff Daddy, Rosie O’Donnell, Axl Rose.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, “The Smurfette Show” combines the antics of Anna Nicole Smith and the Smurfs.

Bruce Springsteen performs “You’re Missing”Also Performed: 91s.

Sex RobotSummary: A lazy scientist (Matt Damon) tries to pass off his Sex Robot project as fundamental research.

Transcript

The Dr. Phil ShowSummary: Dr. Phil (Jeff Richards) confuses his guests with his off-kilter Texan expressions.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil, Santa claus.

Transcript

The War On IraqSummary: NBC airs a new, hilarious sitcom based on real-time political events.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Note: Darrell Hammond was to take over Will Ferrell’s vacated role as President George W. Bush, but the sketch bombed so badly at dress rehearsal that it was replaced with a Dick Cheney bit from Weekend Update. Though Chris Parnell would resume the role for the remainder of the season, Hammond did get the opportunity to portray the Commander-in-Chief in two live broadcasts in 2003 before being replaced by Will Forte.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Springsteen Concert

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Scotty Skayner…..Matt Damon

Sully: Hey Tommy, hows the audio? Keep the camera under your shirt, its contraband. Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, coming to you live from the second row of the Fleet Centre. I’m at the Bruce Springsteen concert courtesy of my cousin Scotty Skayner.

Scotty: YEAH!!

Sully: He was the 104th caller on W.R.O.W.

Scotty: I know exactly when to call!! I’m like a numbers whiz like that queer on ‘Good Will Hunting’.

Both: BRUCE!!!

Sully: Yeah, Skayner won 2 top notch tickets.

Scotty: Yeah, I was gonna bring my girlfriend but her water broke.

Sully: Such is my good fortune. Now when attending a Springsteen concert, one must bring in certain provisions for the long night ahead. Binoculars, full of grain alcohol (opens one of the eye pieces of the binoculars and pours liquid into his mouth).

Scotty: I ain’t paying $6 for a beer. Who do you think I am – Regis?

Sully: Number 2: Line your pockets with plastic bags.

Scotty: Insert Tor-till-ia chips.

Sully: Have your friend or loved one pour in scolding hot cheese. (Scotty dips a chip into the bag of cheese)

Both: INSTANT NACHOS!!

Scotty: I just saved another $14, so suck on that Fleet Centre!! You’ll never be the Garden!!

Sully: And finally, if your girlfriend doesn’t have a ticket, wrap her legs around these velvet ribs and strap Zazoo across your engine. (Sully unbuttons his jacket and Zazoo jumps out)

Denise: ZAZOO!!!! Next time we do this, you gotta tone down the dry-con-wah.

Sully: That’s fruit you whore!

Denise: You’re a whore!

Sully: You are!

Denise: I am. (Sully and Denise start making out)

Scotty: God, I swear to god, I am so pumped up for Bruce. His music represents the life of the working man. (Sully ad Denise stop kissing)

Denise: What would you know about working, Skayner?

Scotty: I work. I’m a beer liaison for the under-aged.

Denise: Yeah, I’ve seen your corner office next to the dumpster at Cappy’s Liquors.

Scotty: Shut up!

Denise: You shut up!

Scotty: Sully, who wears the pants in this relationship?

Sully: No one, when it’s going good!!

Scotty: Well you better tell your woman to shut up!

Denise: Oh my god, Sully he can’t talk to me like that, alright? Only two people can tell me to shut up. My mother and her boyfriend, and last time I checked Skayner, you and my mother weren’t going out no more.

Scotty: She broke my heart.

Sully: Come on Denise, lay off Skayner, he comes from a broken home.

Scotty: Yeah, literally! My dad drove his Skylark through our bay window.

Denise: Irregardless! (to Scotty) You are working my last nerve.

Sully: (to Denise) You are!! (they start making out, then Frank appears holding a large tray of beers and they stop)

Frank: Hey dudes. You thirsty?

Sully: Whoa Frank, you got a job selling beer?

Frank: No. (He drinks one of the beers) Hey I saw a set list on google-dot-com. Bruce is going to play for like 7 hours. I hope he plays ‘Justice Girl’. (walking away) BRUCE SPRINGFIELD!!

Denise: 7 hours! Skayner, you’re totally going to miss the birth of your child!

Scotty: Oh look it! The fact is, I’m 100% sure that this is Bruce Springsteen, I’m only like 60% sure that’s my kid.

Sully: Yeah, unlike Skayner’s kid, Bruce isn’t going to surprise everyone by coming out half black!

Scotty: Oh look!! Here we go, here we go!! (the entire crowd of begin cheering) Hey, hey, hey, HEY!! Let me make something abundantly clear. I don’t want any of you drunks singing along to ‘Thunder road’ in my ear. I came here to see the boss, not the shipping department at ‘Circuit City’. And I got a sock full of penny’s for anyone who thinks I am joking!! (Scotty starts twirling the sock around) WHO WANTS IT? WHO WANTS IT? (he stops)

(Bruce begins to play, as the crowd goes wild. ‘Dancing in the Dark’ begins to play’)

Denise: Oh my god.

Sully: Dancing in the dark, interesting choice…

Denise: He’s looking right at me, OH MY GOD!! (a spotlight goes onto Denise and she walks towards the stage)

Scotty: No way!! (A hand grabs Denise’s and Sully and Scotty try to help her up)

Sully: Get up there girl!! Get up there!!

Scotty: Use your legs!!

Denise: (to Bruce) I can’t believe it!!

Sully: This is what you get for skipping Phys. Ed.

Scotty: Your upper arm strength is sorely lacking.

Denise: Get me up here. (to Bruce) Your so gorgeous!!

Sully: It’s the jugs!! He can’t lift the jugs!! (they give up, and another Bruce grabs another girls hand and pulls her onto stage)

Denise: Oh my god, I’m wicked devastated!!

Sully: Don’t be sad Zazoo, I’d rather dance with you than Courtney Cox.

Denise: Awww… (they start making out)

Scotty: Not me, I’d take Cox any day! Give me Cox all the time, I want Cox all over me!! (Sully and Denise stop making out)

Sully: Oh my god, Tommy please tell me you got any one of those! (the camera nods yes, and Sully and Denise make out again)

(fade out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Dr. Matt Damon

…..Matt Damon
Dr. Matt Damon…..Chris Parnell
Pat Damon…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad…..Darrell Hammond
Ben Affleck…..Tracy Morgan
Dr. Julius Erving…..Dean Edwards

[ open on Matt Damon sitting on a park bench, as a man dressed in a doctor’s lab coat steps forward ]

Dr. Matt Damon: Uh, excuse me.. I-I hate to bother you, but are you Matt Damon?

Matt Damon: Uh.. yeah.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ chuckles ] That’s amazing.. that’s really amazing!

Matt Damon: Uh, well.. [ laughs, though he isn’t sure why ]

Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. because my name’s also Matt Damon.

Matt Damon: [ now amazed as well ] Oh, really?

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.

Matt Damon: [ notices name tag on doctor’s lab coat ] Oh, yeah! There.. “Dr. Matt Damon”!

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, I’m the Chief of Ontcology at Mount Sinai.

Matt Damon: Oh, that’s great, man! [ extends hand to shake ] Matt Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ shakes hands with Matt Damon ] Matt Damon. [ awkward, determined pause ] Yo-o-ou have no idea what it’s been like for me. You have absolutely no idea! [ chuckles ]

Matt Damon: Ohhhh..

Dr. Matt Damon: My whole life, I was Matt Damon! I just took it for granted. [ chuckles ] And then I had my very identity ripped away.

Matt Damon: Hey. Come on, man, that’s not true. Your identity’s not about your name, man. It’s about who you are, what you do.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughs ] That’s easy for you to say, Matt Damon. For 32 years, I was “Matt Damon”. “Handsome Matt”. “Funny Matt”. High school quarterback. First in my class at medical school. Youngest department head in Mount Sinai history. And then, suddenly, you come along, and everyone I meet is disappointed that I’m not the “real” Matt Damon. I’m just.. a sad imposter.

Matt Damon: Come on, man, that’s just ridiculous! You’re obviously very accomplished.

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, well, too bad they don’t give out Oscars for Ontcology.

Matt Damon: Yeah, but you probably saved lives.

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.. probably.

[ an attractive woman walks past the back of the park bench, but stops when she thinks she recognizes Matt Damon ]

Pat Damon: Oh, my God! Are you Matt Damon?!

Matt Damon: Yeah..

Dr. Matt Damon: I’m gonna puke..

Pat Damon: [ elated ] This is so weird! My name is Pat Damon!

Matt Damon: [ amazed ] Really?

Pat Damon: [ laughs ] Yeah! People always say we should get married! [ laughs ] Who’s your friend?

Matt Damon: Oh.. yeah.. Uh.. Pat Damon, Matt Damon. Matt Damn, Pat Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon: You know, maybe we should get married.

Pat Damon: [ stern ] I don’t think so.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ stung ] Hmm.

[ Dr. Matt Damon’s dad wanders into the scene ]

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt! I thought we were gonna meet at the fountain!

Dr. Matt Damon: No, Dad.. we said the bench. [ relunctant ] Uh.. Matt, Pat.. this is my father.

Pat Damon: Hi! Pat Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!

Matt Damon: Matt Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!

Matt Damon: Oh! So, you’re also a Matt Damon?

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Long before you were a Matt Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, but you’re not “the” Matt Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Yeah, but I once was! And you never will be!

[ black gentleman enters scene, excited to notice Dr. Matt Damon ]

Ben Affleck: Oh, my.. Matt Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ not particularly interested ] Yeah?

Ben Affleck: Hell yeah, it’s Matt Damon! Oh, man, it’s Matt Damon! I haven’t seen you since high school bra!

Dr. Matt Damon: I’m sorry.. you’re gonna have to refresh my memory..

Ben Affleck: Oh, come on! You don’t remember me? Ben? The Chess Team? Math Society? We won the Drama trophy!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ excited, now that the memories have come back to him ] Oh, my God! Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: Right! Oh, man! I can’t believe it! I go for a walk in the park, and who do I bump into – Matt Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing, makes introductions ] Ben, this is my father, Matt Damon.

Ben Affleck: Go ahead!

Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon. Uh.. Pat Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Pat Damon. Uh.. and, of course, Matt Damon!

[ black doctor enters scene ]

Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon! Dr. Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: Oh! Dr. Julius Erving! Um.. Matt Damon, uh.. Pat Damon, uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, uh.. Dr. J. Dr. J., Matt Damon, Pat Damon, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck.

Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon, I-I just got the results back from the lab, and they were conclusive. You did it!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ numb, can’t believe his ears ] I did it..! I cured cancer! Matt Damon cured cancer! I’m Matt Damon – The Matt Damon! I’m #1! I’m #1! The most famous Matt Damon in the world!

Matt Damon: Congratulations!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing hysterically ] I’M MATT DAMON!!

[ cut to newspaper article with headline: “Matt Damon Cures Cancer” ]

[ zoom out on newspaper, to reveal bigger article at the top of the page with headline: “Matt Damon Engaged” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The Dr. Phil Show

Female Voiceover…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Phil…..Jeff Richards
Female Guest…..Maya Rudolph
Santa Claus…..Will Forte

Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. He’s insightful.

[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: If you want to have a bowl of cereal.. you better get yourself, a bowl, and guess what? You better find yourself some cereal, as well, in addition to milk. and sugar, if you want.

Female Voiceover: He’s provocative.

[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: Take your top off.

[ without questioning him, female guest removes her top ]

Female Voiceover: And he knows the answers.

[ cut to interview with Santa Claus from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: So, you think that these kids, uh.. won’t love you, if.. if you don’t give them toys?

Santa Claus: [ meekly ] I guess you’re right..

Dr. Phil: [ sighs painfully ] You must have a pretty low opinion of yourself.

Santa Claus: I guess I do..

Dr. Phil: I mean.. I want kids all over the world, to love me so much so, that I structure my life around delivering toys to them!

Santa Claus: I see your point..

Dr. Phil: I mean, a rooster only crows so many times before the mama knows a henhouse fulla graham crackers!

Santa Claus: [ confused ] What the hell does that mean?

Dr. Phil: It means.. you can stuff as many donuts in that mouth as you can, that Santa suit’s only gonna stretch so far, fat ass!

Santa Claus: [ offended ] What?! What did you just say? That was mean! Was that supposed to help me?!

Dr. Phil: I mean, the rabbit hole doesn’t help the rabbit, unless blink-blop-blink!

Santa Claus: That didn’t make any sense, either.

Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you’re a fat, old perv! Now, how that.. how’s that workin’ for ya’?!

Santa Claus: I came here to work on myself! This is ridiculous! [ walks off set ]

Dr. Phil: Stupid perv!

Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. Weekdays at three.

SNL Transcripts