Category: 2004

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8

04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Rob Riggle…..Leviticus
Brad Scheinwald…..Seth Meyers
Abe Scheinwald…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: and I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, an investigation began probing into ethnical breeches committed by former Homeland Security Secretary nominee Bernard Kerik. In addition to employee an illegal nanny, there are reports of extra marital liaisons, ties to the mob, and unpaid condo fees. Wow! All that and bald with a mustache! Sign me up!

It was reported that while at the White House Christmas party, first daughter Barbara Bush smashed her head on the dance floor when a friend she was dancing with dipped her too low. That friend, Captain Morgan. (Captain Morgan is added to the picture of Barbara Bush as well as a red mustache and beard to Barbara’s face)

Tina Fey: Beginning in January, Senator Zell Miller will be a contributor to programs on Fox News Channel by day (in a creepy voice) and an assassin for hire by night! Thank you, sir.

At his annual physical Sunday, President Bush found out he’s gained six pounds since last year and he’s pledged to lose the weight as soon as possible. So finding Osama Bin Laden will get pushed even further down on the Presidents to-do list. (A ‘To-Do List’ is shown that says ‘1. Lose 6 Pounds; 2. Fight Iran; 3. Find Bin-Laden’)

Amy Poehler: Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs on his motorcade. But you know that’s not gonna work cuz he’s just gonna get out to see what they’re all looking at.

Tina Fey: A new book The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln claims that Lincoln was gay. The most compelling evidence, a recently discovered, early draft of the Gettysburg Address that starts (Tina snaps her fingers once after she says each word) “Listen up, bitches.” So excited about the snapping!

Amy Poehler: The issue of religion in the work place has become an increasingly contentious one. Here to discuss it is Weekend Update’s favorite street prophet, Leviticus.

Leviticus: Thank you very much, Tina. Thank you, Amy. I’d like you all now to join me in a quick prayer.

(Tina and Amy oblige as he stands up and begins to literally scream his prayer)

LORD!! Hear me now! Help me to crush the wicked into a fine powder! Allow my hands to become some sort of, I don’t know, stabbing weapon, or slicing weapon so that I may destroy these legions of evil! At least give me the power of flight Jesus, or the ability to become invisible so that I may sneak up on the demons and snap their reptilian necks! LORD!! Help me to help you! WOOOOOH! Ah man! That felt good! Yes!

Tina Fey: Thank you Leviticus, but you know, that right there might be why people are a little uncomfortable with religion in the work place.

Leviticus: Point taken, Ms. Fey. Allow me to try again.

(He stands up and puts one of his feet on the desk with his elbow on that knee and a Bible in that hand. He starts screaming again)

LORD!! Hear me know! Help me to deliver your message to ALL the people of the world whether they be man, woman, child, black, white, green, yellow, striped or polka-dotted. And that message is this… You’re all gonna die! Think about that! (He takes his foot off the desk and just stands) I’m talking the lake of fire! (Opens the Bible) According to the Book of Jobs, chapter 12, verse 200 and he spake, “And the wicked shall backstroke in the fiery depths of hell!” WOOOOOH! *He makes a weird noise with his tongue and pretends to shoot of a bazooka gun and then pretends to blow the smoke from his Bible* Ya’ll just been blown away by the word! And it don’t cost NOTHING!

Tina Fey: Amy, where did you find this guy?

Amy Poehler: He delivered my futon and I thought he was interesting.

Tina Fey: All right, thanks Leviticus, thanks for stopping by.

Leviticus: (He walks between where Tina and Amy are sitting) No, no, no, no! Thank you! I want to say one more thing before I leave… (He puts his hands on their head)* LORD!! Hear me know! Please help these two FILTHY streetwalkers with their lustful addictions for sex and their insatiable thirst for alcohol, which we all know comes from the flaming teeth of Satan!

Amy Poehler: All right! Get out of here, Leviticus!

Leviticus: Persecutors!! Persecutors!! (He makes the weird noise with his tongue again)

Tina Fey: Leviticus, everyone!

Leviticus: You’re all gonna die!!

Tina Fey: It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie “Revolver.” Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Amy Poehler: Mike Tyson, this week, completed 100 hours of community service coaching kids a Brooklyn gym. “I’m so glad the 100 hours is up and now I can relax and get on with my life,” said one of the kids.

This week in Germany, an 81-year-old man was robbed when two young women asked him to join them in a nude photo shoot, and then fled with the man’s wallet as he stripped. Afterwards, the women felt badly and almost returned the wallet, but then Tina was like, “Screw it, let’s go buy shoes.”

Tina Fey: Barbra Streisand had surgery this week to remove a benign polyp discovered during a routine colonoscopy. Doctors described the polyp as “opinionated.”

Amy Poehler: Fox is launching a new reality series called ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’…Yeah… in which an adopted woman must figure out which of eight men is her biological father. Then she must marry him.

Tina Fey: 2004 was the year of the independent movie, with a new batch of well crafted, inde. hits coming to the fore. Here to talk about this trend is film producer Brad Scheinwald.

Brad Scheinwald: Thank you! Thank you all so much! Thank you Tina! 2004 was an exciting year for American cinema. The inde. film trend was so… (He is interrupted his grandfather who enters with a huge bucket of coleslaw that he is eating)

Abe Scheinwald: AHH! Hold it right there! Why are you lettin’ this kid tell you about pictures?

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, I thought I told to wait in the dressing room.

Abe Scheinwald: I got kicked out for eating all of Destiny Child’s deli platter.

Tina Fey: Who’s this?

Brad Scheinwald: This is my grandfather and founder of Scheinwald Studios, Abe Scheinwald.

Abe Scheinwald: I’ve made over 51 pictures including, “Cheerleader Zombie’s of Stararidy Road”, “Japanese Bikini Squad: Kill Kill”, “The Chimp and the Pimp 1, 2, 3, and 5”, and “N.I.T.”

Tina Fey: “N.I.T.”?

Abe Scheinwald: Nipple Institute of Technology.

Brad Scheinwald: The thing is Pops, I’m trying to move Scheinwald Pictures in a more intelligent direction, the direction more films took this year.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah! Name one!

Brad Scheinwald: All right, fine, an incredible film, “Sideways.” A story of two friends driving wine country and…

Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! If you wanna sit through a road movie about two guys drinkin booze, rent the Abe Scheinwald classic mighty pick “Scooch ‘n Mondo Take Daytona Beach.”

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, how about the film “Kinsey”?

Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! I went to see this picture because I heard it was about a sex doctor who did experiments on people. What a let down!! If you want an erotic thriller, try the Scheinwald hit “The Curious Dr. Hump.”

Brad Scheinwald: “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Abe Scheinwald: A guy with big hair in an explosion.

Brad Scheinwald: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”!!

Abe Scheinwald: Eternal-what of the Hotty-where.

Tina Fey: So there was nothing worth seeing this year?

Brad Scheinwald: Please Tina, don’t let me Grandfather change the way you think about movies!

Abe Scheinwald: Don’t listen to this one! This one wanted to make a movie about the misadventures of a blind guy! I thought I liked it better the first time when it was called “Mr. Magoo”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “Ray”, the Ray Charles story. We passed on “Ray.”

(Abe Scheinwald sets his coleslaw down and makes ‘thumbs downs’ while making spitting noises)

Tina Fey: Aw… Brad and Abe Scheinwald everybody.

Amy Poehler: Many people at the Noble Peace Prize Concert were upset when Tom Cruise plugged his controversial religion of Scientology saying, “I’m just proud to be here and very proud to be a Scientologist.” Observers say Cruise might have done more for his religion if he hadn’t started the speech with the phrase (in an alien voice) “People of earth…”

Tina Fey: Sodom, the world’s first known piece of printed pornography, described as the Quintessence of Debauchery, has been sold at auction for 89,000 dollars to one very fancy masturbator. (Shows a picture of a fat naked man with a top hat on)

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was voted the video game of the year at the Spike TV Video Game Awards. Once again, the worst video game of the year went to John Madden’s Irregularly Shaped Mole Hunt. It’s the worst!

Amy Poehler: A state trooper in Oklahoma, who had pulled over a delivery truck, found 600 pounds of marijuana, hidden in four coffins. Or so starts the math section of Snoop Dogg’s new SAT prep book.

For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8

04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child

Woomba

Woman 1….Maya Rudolph
Woman 2….Rachel Dratch
Woman 3….Amy Poehler
Woman 4….Tina Fey

[Opens with a woman sitting by her fireplace, reading a book]

Woman 1: When I feel fresh, I feel confident.

[Cut to a woman brushing her hair, getting ready for bed]

Woman 2: When I feel clean, that’s when I’m at my best.

[Cut to a woman cooking, rolling dough]

Woman 3: My life is hectic enough. I don’t have time to worry about feeling refreshed.

[A woman wearing a bathrobe sits on the edge of her bathtub looking at herself in a mirror]

Announcer: All around the country thousands of women are discovering the next generation of freshness with Woomba. New–from the makers of Roomba.

[Shot of a circular, pink, plastic disc with a few buttons on it]

[Whirring]

Woomba: [robotic voice] Ready, ready.

[Woomba crawls up the lady in the bathrobe’s leg into her crotch]

Announcer: The first completely robotic feminine hygiene product.

Woomba: [robotic voice] Ready, ready.

Woman 4: Woomba. Its a robot and it cleans my business, my lady business. And I like that.

Announcer: Woomba is a small disc-like object that takes care of all of your feminine-hygiene needs. Activate Woomba and it does the rest. Woomba’s built in sensors can tell when you’re not at your freshest and that’s when Woomba goes to work. Its gentle but powerful onboard cleaning agents assure results every time.

[Woomba whirrs. It climbs into the bed of Woman 2. It travels under the covers right into her crotch. She jumps up]

Woomba: [robotic voice]Ready, ready.

Woman 2: Ah!

[Cut to Woman 3 rolling dough in the kitchen]

Announcer: Once Woomba is activated it is entirely self-sufficient. It cannot be turned off.

[Woomba crawls up the pant leg of Woman 3. She tries to shake it loose]

Woomba: [robotic voice] Ready, ready.

[Woomba is going crazy, back and forth, banging into the wall]

Announcer: Woomba will address your feminine hygiene needs whenever and wherever it thinks its best. That’s the confidence you get from Woomba.

[Woman 1 runs through the woods in slow-motion]

[Woomba is running after her in hot pursuit]

[Woman 1 looks back to the Woomba disc chasing her with a worried look on her face]

[Shot of Woomba disc]

[Woman 4 holds up the Woomba disc]

Woman 4: Woomba—the little pink robot that cleans your noony.

Announcer: From the makers of Roomba

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 15th, 2005

Topher Grace

The Killers

None

None

John Lutz

Jason Sudeikis

JB Smoove

Paula Pell

Liz Cackowski
White House Press ConferenceSummary: President George W. Bush’s (Will Forte) questions are fielded by former presidents Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and George Bush, Sr. (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Topher Grace’s MonologueSummary: When Topher Grace receives the dumb-questions-from-studio-audience treatment, he thinks he’s being ‘punked.

Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’ Wife.

Bio: Topher Grace (1978-). Actor; his first acting role was as Eric Forman on “That 70’s Show”, 1998-2006; his real first name is Christopher, but he changed it because he didn’t like being nicknamed “Chris”.

Transcript

Trucker TalkSummary: While on the road, truckers discuss the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston break-up over their CB radios.

Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

Transcript

Martin Luther King DaySummary: Lazy black paramedics (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) refuse to work on their special day.

Transcript

CBS Evening Fraudulent Document UpdateSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for a series of fraudulent documents he had errantly reproted as fact.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Transcript

Beaver RanchSummary: Tyler (Topher Grace) loses his virginity to elderly prostitute, Dot (Rachel Dratch), and learns a valuable life lesson.

The Killers perform “Somebody Told Me”Bio: Alternative rock group; members: vocal/keyboardist Brandon Flowers, guitarist David Keuning, bassist Mark Stoermer, and drummer Ronnie Vannucci.

Also Performed: 06a.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, Weekend Update recognizes the fictional Cliff (Kenan Thompson) and Clair Huxtable (Maya Rudolph) as positive role models in the African-American community.

Transcript

Artsy ApartmentSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) – whose names are the same but have different pronunciations – show off the weird furniture in their apartment to their neighbors (Topher Grace, Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.

Transcript

HardballSummary: Zell Miller (Will Forte) yells about the tsunamis.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Howard Dean, Zell Miller.

The Not So Incredible Adventures Of The Down And Out DollarSummary: After a drop in value, the dollar bill (Amy Poehler) takes a lot of flak from the foreign currencies she once dominated over.

Transcript

The Killers perform “Mr. Brightside”

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Doctor’s OfficeSummary: A young doctor (Topher Grace) acts immature while discussing heart surgery with his patients (Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph).

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

One Night StandSummary: Man (Topher Grace) and woman (Amy Poehler) try to make small talk the next morning after their one night stand.

Gibson StudiosSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael Alonzo (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Artsy Apartment

Pam…..Rachel Dratch
Brian…..Topher Grace
Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen
Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph
Tato…..Chris Parnell

[open on Brian and Pam outside of apartment door]

Pam: So, what do these people do, again?

Brian: Okay, they’re art dealers, and they are no different than you or me. They hired me to make a website for their gallery. [rings doorbell]

[Mr. Schoener opens door]

Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Brian! You’re right on time! Come in, please!

[they enter the apartment]

Brian: Hey, thanks for having us over, Mr. Schoener.

Mr. Schoener: [chuckles] It’s Nuni, okay? You must meet my new wife. [calling to her] Darling, they’re here!

Mrs. Schoener: [emerging from apartment interior] Oh! Welcome! Ah, look at you both!

Brian: Hello.

Mr. Schoener: This is my wife, Nuni.

Brian: Oh, that’s funny; you guys both have the same first name: Nuni.

Mr. Schoener: No, no, no, no. I am Nuni; she is Nuni.

Brian: I see. Nuni and Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, no. Nuni; I am Nuni.

Brian: Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni. You must use the back of your tongue, come.

[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener grasp Brian’s cheecks and chin while all three say “Nuni” repeatedly]

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni is masculine, and Nuni is feminine. Nuni.

Brian: Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni.

Brian: Nuni.

Pam: Honey, I think she’s Nuni, and he’s Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: Yes, exactly! Anyfoofoo, why don’t we all have a seat please?

[Mrs. Schoener leads them to an area where five pieces are arrayed: a hemispherical table, a white inclined divan, a red sphere, a white pyramid, and a stylistic metal chair that faces away from the other pieces. Mr. Schoener sits on the divan, placing his feet in stirrups. Mrs. Schoener sits on the sphere. Pam sits in the metal chair. Brian looks around confusedly]

Brian: Um, I guess I should just stand?

Mrs. Schoener: No, no, that one is for you.

Brian: What, the pyramid?

Mr. Schoener: Yes!

[Brian begins to attempt to sit on the pyramid]

Mrs. Schoener: No, no! Not on it; against it! That is a leaning post!

Mr. Schoener: [chuckles] You sit on that, and it will ruin your ass!

Brian: [begins to lean against the pyramid and slides to the floor before standing up again] I’m just gonna…

Pam: Um, does this seat swivel so I can face you guys?

Mr. Schoener: [laughs] Why would the chair turn? It’s a 1950s Adler!

Mrs. Schoener: Brian, what is your woman’s name?

Brian: Oh, God, I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry. This is my girlfriend, Pam.

Mr. Schoener: Bam.

Brian: No, Pam.

Mrs. Schoener: Bar.

Brian: It’s Pam.

Mrs. Schoener: Bor.

Brian: No, Pam. [elongates word]

Mr. Schoener: Bam. Bam. [elongates word] We’re not saying this?

Pam: No, you’re saying “Bam,” and it’s “Pam.” You know, short for Pamela?

Mrs. Schoener: Baronen.

Brian: Pamela.

Mr. Schoener: Harpelo.

Brian: Pamela.

[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener continue to say peculiar trisyllabic things]

Brian: You know what? Perfect! You guys got it. Perfect.

[Tato enters, skipping, with a tray containing small bags]

Mr. Schoener: Oh, here is Tato with the drinks.

Mrs. Schoener: Oh! Thank you, Tato!

Tato: [giggling and covering mouth with hand ] I’m shy. [skips out]

Mr. Schoener: We find his joy exhilirating. [lifts a bag from the tray] To the new website!

Brian: Right, to our new website! [takes a bag] I’m sorry, I don’t…How do you drink out of these bags?

Mr. Schoener: You don’t know Mouthware?

Mrs. Schoener: You poke the bottom, stupid silly.

[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener poke the bottoms of their bags with small sticks and hold the bags up so the streams of fluid pour into their mouths]

Pam: Hey, what’s going on back there?

[Tato enters, skipping, with a tray containing Chinese-style takeout containers. He sets it down and skips out.]

Mrs. Schoener: Mmmmm! Rice paste! Would you like some, Brian?

Brian: Rice paste? No thank you; I’m good.

Mrs. Schoener: Oh, but you must eat it. It’s like an intense workout for your colon. [makes arm gestures as if exercising]

Brian: No, really, I’m good.

Mr. Schoener: Well, Brian, don’t be such a stranger. [he and his wife begin shoving large clumps of rice into their mouths] Tell us a little about yourself.

Brian: Okay, uh, well, I grew up in Ohio.

Mr. Schoener: Stop. Tato, we want to hear Brian’s story to music. It’ll be more theatrical.

[Tato skips in, makes a circular motion with his hand, and skips out. Bizarre synthesized music plays.]

Brian: Okay, uh, I was born in Dayton, and I studied web design at UCLA where I got my bachelors. And then I moved to New York in search of work. Can I just use the bathroom?

[music stops]

Mrs. Schoener: [with mouth full of rice] Yes. It’s right over there behind that glass door.

[Brian looks askance at the bathroom door, which is completely transparent, before entering the bathroom and closing the door. He begins to reach for his zipper before snapping out of his preoccupation]

Brian: Okay, you know what? I forgot: I have a tennis lesson that I have to be at. So we’re going to get going. Come on, Pam.

Pam: Oh, okay.

Brian: Thank you guys so much for the drinks and paste.

Pam: You guys had drinks and paste?

Brian: I’m really looking forward to working with you, Mr. Schoener.

Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: Nuni!

Brian: Right, whatever. Come on, honey. [exits]

Pam: Oh, thank you for your hospitality! [exits]

Mr. Schoener: Goodbye, Bam!

Mrs. Schoener: Bye-bye, Bar!

Mr. Schoener: Oh, they were delightful!

[strange electronic sounds]

Mr. Schoener: Darling, get the telephone, please.

[Mrs. Schoner walks forward and is suddenly enveloped by light]

Mrs. Schoener: Hello? Darling, it’s Gretchen! She wants to know if we’re going to the balloon festival!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

White House Press Conference

voiceover….Chis Parnell
Fredrick Whitfield….Maya Rudolph
President Bush….Will Forte
Bill Clinton….Darrell Hammond
George Bush, Sr…..Fred Armisen
Reporter #1….Amy Poehler
Reporter #2….Seth Meyers
Reporter #3….Finesse Mitchell
Reporter #4….Rachel Dratch

[CNN logo and theme]

Voiceover: Bad stuff happens, CNN is there. Coincidence?

Fredricka Whitfield: Good afternoon, I’m Fredricka Whitfield. We have received word that President Bush is about to give another press conference with former President Clinton and his father, former President Bush. We now take you live to the White House.

President George W. Bush: Good afternoon and thanks for comin’ out. And I wanna thank these two distinguished Americans for being here with me today.

Bill Clinton: Well, I’m always happy to be in front of reporters, George.

[cut to reporters laughing]

George Bush, Sr.: Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

President George W. Bush: Already these gentlemen have helped raise millions of dollars in the world wide tsunami relief effort, and I am pleased to announce that their efforts will be expanded to include the victims of the California mud slides, in what we are now calling “the war on weather.” Our hearts go out to all the muslim countries and blue states, that are currently suffering the wrath of God with these crazy Bible times floods. I will now reluctantly take your questions.

[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]

President George W. Bush: Yes, Margaret?

Reporter #1: Mr. President, what do you say to critics who claim you were slow to respond with aid to the tsunami victims?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, I’ll tell you, Margaret. I was right out there, you know. I came forward in a matter of days and pledged a couple hundred bucks. You know, some people said that wasn’t enough. But people don’t understand, that was just an initial response. You know, that was before I understood what a tsunami was. I’m from Texas, we don’t have tsunamis. You know, someone tells me a big wave hit, I think a couple hundred bucks oughta cover it.

Bill Clinton: I think what President Bush is saying is that the United States will continue to adjust our contributions to South East Asia as the rebuilding continues, for the need is great and their friendship is important to us.

President George W. Bush: Yeah.

[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]

Reporter #2: Mr. President, do you consider American tsunami relief efforts an opportunity to restore good will among muslims?

President George W. Bush: I hope so, Tom. You know, I hope these people see what we’re doing and realize that America’s heart is a giant. You know, it’s our- it’s our most gigantic part. And it’s coming to get them.

Bill Clinton: I think what the President is saying, Tom, is that we’re gonna help these people because they need help. And if that improves our image in the world then that is a wonderful bi product.

President George W. Bush: What he said, you know, it’s, uh…

[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]

Reporter #1: Mr. President, follow-up. Do you have any plans to visit South East Asia in the near future?

President George W. Bush: Margaret, it’s a timing thing. You know, the area is- is real dangerous right now. And, from what I understand, it stinks real bad.

George Bush, Sr.: George–

Bill Clinton: [interrupts] Margaret, I agree with the President that at this time, it would not be appropriate to go.

George Bush, Sr.: We don’t wanna–

Bill Clinton: [interrupts] You know, when I was the President we had terrible floods in the Mississippi River valley, and what I learned is that sometimes it’s more important to let the relief workers do the good work that they do, unincombered.

George Bush, Sr.: And I agree that–

Bill Clinton: [interrupts] But, but I hope and I believe that sometime in the near future we’ll be able to visit Indonesia and Thailand, and see the fruits of our labors and stand together as a world community, proud of what we have done.

President George W. Bush: Dito on that.

[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]

Reporter #3: Mr. President, what do you make of reports that al Qaeda operatives may pose as relief workers inside Indonesia and try to spark anti-American violence?

President George W. Bush: Well, Lamar, you know… this is the first I’m hearing of it, but the first response is it’s creepy. It gives me the creeps, I don’t like it, you know. But that’s what we’re up against here, a bunch of creeps, you know. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!

Bill Clinton: Lamar, when I was the President of the United States I put U.S. troops on the ground in Somalia in spite of the extreme risk, because the people there needed our help. And I think that’s what we’ll continue to do because that is our role in the world.

President George W. Bush: It’s our role, Lamar! … in the world. It’s, uh… hard work.

[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]

Reporter #4: Mr. President, on Wednesday the search for weapons of mass destruction was called off in Iraq. Does your administration finally admit defeat on this issue?

President George W. Bush: Well, Sharon, we’ve been through this like a hundred times, alright. Just because there were no weapons of mass destruction found, doesn’t mean that this administration did not know that they weren’t there or will not continue to be not there in the future. We just don’t know. Heck, we could have been lying about them the whole time and then somebody would have found somthing, and we would have looked like geniuses! But we don’t, that’s not our style. You know, I mean, uh… Bill, you wanna get in on this?

Bill Clinton: Well, first of all let me say – hello, Sharon. It’s nice to see you again. You’ve changed your hair, and I think the color really does light up your face.

[cut to Sharon looking spellbound]

Bill Clinton: But… what I think the President is trying to say is that our reasons for being into Iraq were maniple.

President George W. Bush: Yeah!

Bill Clinton: And now that we’re there we need to focus positive attention on getting our troops home safe.

President George W. Bush: Well, I know that!

Bill Clinton: And in assisting the Iraqi people in determining their own fate through democratic elections.

President George W. Bush: That’s what I’ve been sayin’! I’ve been sayin’ that for months!

George Bush, Sr.: They like it better when he says it. [indicates Clinton]

Bill Clinton: And if I may be so bold, I can think of a couple of other things the President might like to say.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, get on it, be bold.

Bill Clinton: For instance, we welcome Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas to the stage and hope he’ll be a force for peace in the Middle East.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, yeah.

Bill Clinton: Also, Monday is Martin Luther King Day.

President George W. Bush: Oh.

[pause]

Bill Clinton: … And we take pride in the amazing progress we have made together as a country.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, yeah, I wanna say that.

Bill Clinton: And finally, to our friends in the Ukraine – live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar

American Dollar…..Amy Poehler
Euro…..Topher Grace
British Pound…..Seth Meyers
Mexican Peso…..Horatio Sanz
Japanese Yen…..Maya Rudolph
Canadian Loonie…..Will Forte

[ opens on a sign which reads The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar]

Don Pardo: And now the Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.

[pans to American Dollar entering a street scene]

American Dollar: [ in a sad voice ] Oh, boy oh boy. [ kicks a can away ] What a year, it sure does stink being a US dollar. Here it is, 2005, and I’m at an all-time low. I used to be on top of the world, now look at me- good for nothing. Who wants a measly old dollar?

[ Euro enters ]

Euro: [ in a happy French accent ] Dollar? Is that you?

American Dollar: Oh. Hey Euro.

Euro: Oh my goodness Dollar, you look awful!

American Dollar: Oh jeez, here we go again.

Euro: Look at me, look at all my wonderful colors, aren’t they supercool? You like my hologram? Look at it this way, now look how it changes!

American Dollar: Oh boy it sure is nice. I wish I had a hologram.

Euro: Hey Dollar, do you want to hear a joke? Knock, knock.

American Dollar: Oh, who’s there?

Euro: Germany. And France. And Greece. And Italy. And Denmark. And Luxembourg. And Belgium. They’re all stronger then you, hahaha ha! Is that not funny?

American Dollar: Oh come on Euro! That ain’t a joke. Gimme a break.

[ British Pound enters ]

British Pound: [ With a British accent ] Why Euro old boy, is that you?

Euro: Mon dieu, Pound Note, I was just talking to our old friend the Dollar here.

British Pound: Oh, I almost didn’t see you there Dollar [ hits Dollar with his cane ] you’ve shrunk so much.

American Dollar: Alright, you guys, leave me alone would ya?

British Pound: Say Dollar, I have a proposition for you. I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

American Dollar: Aw, I don’t wanna.

British Pound: Oh, come on, have at it.

Euro: Huhhuhhuh, this will be good! Hahaha!

American Dollar: Oh boy. [ punches British Pound ] There. You happy?

British Pound: That was terrific fun! Dollar’s still weak, everyone! Huzzah! Oh look, here comes my friend the Peso.

[Mexican Peso enters ]

Mexican Peso: Yeaaaah! And who’s this guy? [ to American Dollar> ] Oh man, I never thought I’d see the day when the currency made the peso look good!

[ British Pound, Mexican Peso and Euro all laugh ]

American Dollar: All right all right, that’s enough!

Mexican Peso: I mean, I’m a friggin’ peso for God’s sakes!

[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]

American Dollar: Boy oh boy, I feel like a real dope.

Mexican Peso: Hey dollar, you want to buy some chiclets? Just get you and fifty of your friends!

[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]

American Dollar: Oh, that really smarts, you know.

[ Japanese Yen enters ]

Japanese Yen: [ With a Japanese accent ] Hello, Dollar-san.

American Dollar: Oh hey there, Yen. You’re not gonna razz me too, are ya?

Japanese Yen: When I go to New York, I buy a very big Louis Vuitton suitcase for price of one Big Mac [ holds up one finger ] in Tokyo.

[ All but American Dollar laugh ]

American Dollar: All right, take it easy.

Japanese Yen: Dollar is very bad! [ laughs again ]

American Dollar: Aw, come on, why do you guys have to give me the business?

Euro: Oh, don’t you know Dollar? Don’t you remember years ago, when you treated us like dog feces?

British Pound: I remember it like it was yesterday.

American Dollar: Oh boy!

[ Flashback ]

[ British Pound, Euro, Japanese Yen and Mexican Peso are in a line in the background, American Dollar is holding a cigar ]

American Dollar: [ while waving around hands ] Here’s how it’s gonna go see! The Dollar’s king, gonna be king forever. Anyone who says otherwise gets a knuckle sandwich. Understood?

[ Others all nod and murmur accpetances in their languages ]

American Dollar: In English!

Others: Yes.

American Dollar: Ha! Ha! Haha!

[ End Flashback ]

American Dollar: Oh boy, oh boy, that was along time ago. Why d’ya have to bring that up? Just leave me be.

Euro: He’s right, let’s go. Hey, let’s go shopping!

British Pound: What should we buy?

Mexican Peso: Hey, let’s buy the Empire State Building!

[ All but American Dollar cheer and laugh while exiting ]

American Dollar: Oh boy. [ British Pound hits American Dollar with his cane ] Hey! [ hits again ] Aw! [ hits again ] Give me a break! There they go, aw nuts. Boy oh boy.

[ sings ]
“The economy’s giving me a hell of a time,
Nowadays a dollar bill just ain’t worth a dime!
So smoke em if you got em,
It’s lonely at the bottom
When you’re a U.S. Dollar bill.”

[ Canadian Loonie enters ]

American Dollar: Looks like it’s just you and me, Canadian Loonie.

[ Canadian Loonie jumps around making strange noises while American Dollar shrugs ]

Don Pardo: This has been The Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.

Submitted by: Kristin Fraumeni

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Goodnights

…..Topher Grace

Topher Grace: Okay, I want to thank The Killers, Lorne Michaels, the best writers and cast and crew on TV! And the best writers on “Saturday Night Live” of all time – Bonnie and Terry Turner! Thank you, and good night!

[ The Killers circle Grace for a group hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Martin Luther King Day

Wilmore…..Kenan Thompson
Kendall…..Finesse Mitchell
Male Paramedic…..Seth Meyers
Female Paramedic…..Amy Poehler
Ricky…..Topher Grace
Martinez…..Horatio Sanz
Logan…..Fred Armisen
Paramedic #2…..Rob Riggle

[ open on exterior, ambulance pulling up to hospital emergency entrance ]

[ dissolve to interior, staff lounge, as Wilmore enters with coffee for himself and Kendall, then sits down. At the same time, a pair of white paramedics return from a call. ]

Kendall: Hey, how’d it go?

Male Paramedic: It was a bad one. An old woman’s dog knocked over a space heater and burned the house down.

Female Paramedic: Yeah. The woman got out, but she tweisted her ankle. Luckily, she’s gonna be okay.

Male Paramedic: Yeah.

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]

Ricky: Okay. We’ve got a car accident at Broadway and Cullen. They need paramedics on the scene. Wilmore.. Kendall.. you guys are up.

Wilmore: You gonna make us go?

Ricky: Uh, yeah.. it’s your turn.

Kendall: He must not know what day it is.

Wilmore: He can’t know!

Ricky: [ confused ] What day is it?

Kendall: I told you he ain’t know! They never know!

Ricky: [ still confused ] What are you guys talking about?

Kendall: Well, Ricky, for your information, it’s Martin Luther King Day.

Wilmore: [ jubilant ] Martin Luther King Day! [ they toast their coffee mugs ]

Ricky: Uh, guys.. we’ve got accident victims who need help.

Kendall: And you got two people sitting right there, and it ain’t their day. It’s our day!

Wilmore: Martin Luther King Day.

Female Paramedic: We just got back from the run. It’s your turn.

Kendall: [ outraged ] For all the holidays you people get, you would make us work on our only holiday?

Male Paramedic: [ amused ] Yeah, but you get off on the same holidays we get off.

Wilmore: B-but they’re not for us, okay? All we got is Martin Luther King Day!

Kendall: Unless.. you got something against Martin Luther King?

[ they perk their ears and ask, “What? What? What?” as the white paramedics give in to their nonsense ]

Female Paramedic: Fine. Then, we’ll take it.

[ white paramedics exit ]

Ricky: Look. You guys are usually my best paramedics. You know I respect my heritage?

Wilmore: Did he say “heritage”?

Kendall: I think he said “heritage.”

Ricky: [ flustered ] Well, I-I.. I.. don’t know how that’s disrespectful.

Kendall: Me, either. But, today of all days, when we commemorate the day when the LAPD pulled Martin Luther King out of his car, and beat him with those nightsticks — [ starts to cry ]

Ricky: Okay, you guys are talking about Rodney King.

Wilmore: He’s right.

Wilmore: Well, don’t be telling me about my people!

Kendall: Ooh, he’s right.

Ricky: O-kay.. I’m just going back to my office. [ retreats back to his office ]

Wilmore: Yeah, you do that, Ricky!

Kendall: Peace, Ricky!

[ Logan and Martinez enter ]

Wilmore: Hey, how’d it go?

Martinez: Oh, not too bad. Nothing serious. Some knuckleheads.

Logan: Yeah, a male Caucasian, 40, broke his leg playing basketball.

Kendall: White people playing basketball.

Wilmore: I’m alright, on Martin Luther King Day.

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]

Ricky: Okay, you guys, I’ve got a call. A guy fell off a ladder and broke his arm. [ Wilmore and Kendall don’t move an inch ] Uh.. Martinez and Logan, I need you on this one.

Logan: [ whining ] But it’s their turn!

Wilmore: Any other day, you would be correct. But not today. Martin Luther King Day! [ toasts his coffee mug with Kendall’s ]

Martinez: They’re right. I shouldn’t have to work on Martin Luther King Day, either.

Ricky: Can I ask why, Martinez?

Martinez: No, you may not. It’s a black thing. You wouldn’t understand. [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Wilmore and Kendall, but doesn’t receive one ] Okay, we’ll go. [ he and Logan stand ] But I’m not working on Cesar Chavez Day.

Ricky: Whatever.

Martinez: ‘Cause that guy.. was a good boxer.. and I’m not working on his birthday. [ he and Logan exit ]

Ricky: Look.. guys.. why’d you even come in today?

Kendall: ‘Cause we’re dedicated professionals.

Wilmore: Plus, we get time-and-a-half off on the holiday!

Kendall: That’s right! [ they laugh ]

Ricky: Okay, do you guys even know anything about this holiday?

Wilmore: I know one thing about Martin Luther King Day – you trying to make us work!

Ricky: Do you know anything about black history? Booker T. Washington? Rosa Parks? Frederick Douglas?

Kendall: Whoa-oa! I know Frederick Douglas! He was a high school in Atlanta! I went there about five years, I know —

[ emergency alarm beeps, as Male Paramedic #2 enters with a note for Ricky ]

Ricky: Okay, uh.. look.. you guys, there’s no one else here. I hate to do this to you on.. Martin Luther King Day – a day which you.. seem to know nothing about. But the catwalk collapsed at a fashion show, and some models have been injured.

Kendall: [ interested ] Uh, wait a minute. Male or female?

Ricky: Uh.. female. They’re plus-sized models.

[ Wilmore and Kendall hurriedly rush off to save the day ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

Topher Grace’s Monologue

Topher Grace…..Topher Grace
Male Audience Member #1…..John Lutz
Male Audience Member #2…..Jason Sudeikis
Terrell…..J.B. Smoove
Terrell’s Wife…..Paula Pell
Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski

Topher Grace: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, I’m totally psyched to be here at Saturday Night Live. This is kinda like the original ‘That 70s Show’ and I’m just really excited to be hosting. Um, unless this is like just some really elaborate set-up to getting me Punk’d. In which case I wanna say, I knew it, Ashton! Okay? I totally saw it coming so I’m with it, all right? [looks around] No? I’m not getting Punk’d? I’m actually… hosting Saturday Night Live? Okay, awesome. Uh, you know, something I like to do on my show is take questions from the audience so if anyone… Yeah, yes sir? [points to Male Audience Member #1]

Male Audience Member #1: [stands up] Hello Topher, uh, no question, I just want to say that I for one am very excited that you’re hosting tonight instead of Jennifer Garner.

Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, thank you. Um, some of you may know Jennifer Garner was originally supposed to host the show tonight but she couldn’t do it because she hurt her back doing a stunt.

Male Audience Member #1: That’s not what I heard. I read on the internet that Ben Affleck gave her syphilis.

Topher Grace: No, no no no no, no. Uh, that’s- I don’t know where you read that but I’m sure that’s not true.

Male Audience Member #1: I don’t know, read it on the internet.

Topher Grace: Well… not everything you read on the internet is true.

Male Audience Member #1: [laughs] You better hope not, there’s some gross rumors about you on there.

Topher Grace: Where?

Male Audience Member: On my website.

Topher Grace: …Okay, another question? [points to a man in the audience] Yes?

Male Audience Member #2: Yeah, hey buddy, how ya livin’? Hey look, I gotta question, what’s the deal with your name?

Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, uh, I get this a lot. Topher is short for Christopher. Kinda the same way Chris is.

Male Audience Member #2: Yeah, but what? You think you’re too classy to be called Chris?

Topher Grace: No, just- you know, Topher’s just another variation on Chris.

Male Audience Member #2: Uh huh, yeah yeah yeah, like a classier variation?

Topher Grace: Look, it suits me better. Certain names fit certain people. Like, hey, what’s your name?

Male Audience Member #2: My name’s Chris.

Topher Grace: …And… that suits you.

Male Audience Member #2: Okay, so you’re saying that I can name my kid Matthew, and call him Thew. Right? I can do that, I can do that and expect people not to kick the crap out of him?

Topher Grace: I guess so, yeah. Okay, any other questions?

Terrell: Yeah, I have a question. Where is Jennifer Garner at?

Terrell’s Wife: Terrell, come on.

Terrell: Woman..

Topher Grace: Man, I already answered that. Did you get here late or something?

Terrell: Why? You think I showed up late because I’m black? You think I’m on colored people time?

Topher Grace: [offended] Oh my God, no I didn’t, no, I didn’t say anything like that.

Terrell: You are a racist! For your information, I missed the beginning of the speech because I had to go out in the hall and smoke a little weed… and buy myself a grape soda, you racist!

Terrell’s Wife: Terrell, calm down!

Terrell: Woman, bring it on! Come on! [they both leave] Bring it!

Topher Grace: Okay, I am being Punk’d, right? Could I just go out with one normal question? Yes? [points to Female Audience Member]

Female Audience Member: I have a question, uh, I was wondering… could you tell me how the Jets missed two Field Goals in a row?!?!

Topher Grace: You know what? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what, we’re gonna help you take your minds off of it by having a great show. The Killers are here! So stick around and we’re coming right back!

[fades]

Submitted by: Sanyu

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9

04i: Topher Grace / The Killers

CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: [ over animated titles ] The CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update, with Dan Rather.

[ dissolve to Dan Rather ]

Dan Rather: Good evening. This is the CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update, Dan Rather reporting. Earlier this week, CBS News announced the results of an internal investigation, lasting several months, and of the use of possibly forged documents in a September “60 Minutes II” segment concerning President George W. Bush’s Vietnam-era service in the Texas Air National Guard.

Tonight, on the heels of that report, there are some startling new developments. To begin with: although the authenticity of the documents themselves remain in question, it now appears, that my subsequent on-air apology for that segment, purportedly written by me… was itself… almost certainly… a fraudulent document. Or, at the very least, insincere. In the opinion of experts, who have examined the actual script of the apology, it was typed on a Dell computer, using WordPerfect, and, therefore, could not have come from my iBook, which uses Microsoft Word. In addition, the same experts have pointed out that phrases such as “I accept full responsibility”, “I deeply regret the error”… simply do not sound like me.

In addition, statements which I made in the same broadcast, concerning the enormous popularity of the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather, may be factually incorrect, as they were based on Nielsen Ratings, which also appear to be fraudulent. It now seems that the CBS News with Dan Rather is not the highest-rated news show on television, and, in fact, regularly finishes behind such programs as “Today in the Ukraine” and “Noticero Telemundo”. While learning this, I don’t mind telling you that I felt as embarrassed as a Vienna Boys Choir soprano at a five-dollar cathouse. And, buddy, that is embarrassed.

And… there’s more. According to investigators, certain details of my official biography, as prepared by the CBS Press Department, now also appear to be inaccurate. I am not, as the press bio states, a native of Texas. Apparently, my birth certificate, upon which I and CBS base this claim, can no longer be considered authentic. We still don’t know for certain, but, at this point, it appears that I was born, raised, and finished high school in Fairlawn, New Jersey, and that my REAL name… is Joel Howard Pincus. If that is the case — AND, at this moment, it appears to be — there is apparently no legitimate reason for me to talk the way I do.

What’s more, despite what my press bio claims, I have never officially been named World’s Greatest Dad. That award, which I thought I won in 1978, now appears to have been a coax, concocted by members of my family. The newspaper that reported the story — The Anytown Daily Bugle — was apparently produced in a joke shop. And the cash prize, which accompanied the award, according to experts, is Monopoly money.

Finally, and on a personal level, most painfully, just hours ago it was made apparent to me that I am not, as I have long believed myself to be, a licensed bikini inspector. As experts have shown, the official bikini inspector license, upon which I base this assertion, is a forgery, and, indeed, no such medical specialty exists. Earlier today, upon first learning this information, I immediately surrendered this document to the proper authorities, and, suffice it to say, the [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “friend” who issued me the license, is no longer a friend. [ reveal photo of Andy Rooney ] To the hundreds and hundreds of women I may have wronged, albeit with the best of intentions, I can now only offer my most sincere and heartfelt apologies. I… an deeply… sorry.

For the CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update… Dan Rather. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts