SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Presidential Debate



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1






04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer….Chris Parnell
President Geroge W. Bush….Will Forte
Senator John Kerry….Seth Meyers

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. From the University of Miami Convocation Center in Coral Gables, Florida, I’m Jim Lehrer of the News Hour on PBS. [expecting applause] Hm? [audience quiet] Okay.Anyway, I welcome you to the first of the 2004 Presidential debates between President George W. Bush, the Republican nominee, and Senator John Kerry, the Democratic nominee. Before we begin, let’s go over the ground rules, which have been carefully worked out by representatives of the two campaigns. As moderator I will ask all questions, including follow-ups. The candidates may not ask each other questions, interrupt one another, wave to each other, or make any unnecessary eye contact. In addition, the candidates have agreed not to leave their respective podiums to approach on another. And in order to enforce this rule they have been fitted with special collars, which will keep them inside an invisible fence running 30 inches out from the center of their lecterns. And here I would like to acknowledge the generous assistance of the good folks at Smart Fence Incorporated – for forty years, Southern Florida’s leader in world class pet containment systems. Now let’s meet the candidates.

[cut to show Bush and Kerry greeting each other, Kerry seemingly about two feet taller than Bush]

Jim Lehrer: Both candidates know the format. I will direct the first question to President Bush, and whatever the nature of the question, he will try to change the subject to 9/11. After a follow-up I will ask Senator Kerry to respond, and the Senator will remind the audience that he served in Vietnam. Following Senator Kerry’s rebuttal, there will be a brief disruption by demonstrators from Act Up, and after order is restored we will continue with a question for the Senator. So let’s begin.President Bush, the official position of your administration continues to be that Iraq will hold elections in January. Given the chaotic situation in that country, how will this be possible?

President George W. Bush: Jim, uh, our plan in Iraq has always been a three-phase plan. Phase One: invade the country, free a people and remove a brutal dictator. No one will deny that Phase One was a complete success.

Jim Lehrer: What about Phase Two?

President George W. Bush: As we all know, there are those in Iraq who want freedom- who don’t want freedom for that country. The Saddam loyalists, the insurgents, the terrorists. In Phase Two we smoke these folks out, by letting them think they’re winning, you know. Convincing them that we don’t know what we’re doing. In other words, lulling them into a false sense of security. And that’s where we are right now – Phase Two, the Lulling Phase. And, despite what our critics would tell you, it’s- it’s workin’! Terrorist confidence and moral have never been higher.

Jim Lehrer: And what happens in Phase Three?

President George W. Bush: Jim, uh… you know, uh… we’re will working on Phase Three. You know, uh… and believe me, uh, we’re workin’ hard. Cause it’s… you know, it’s hard work. And we’re… workin’ hard. Just… every day, you know… workin’ evenings… ordering in. Workin’ hard together.

[cut to split-screen with Bush and Kerry, who is taking a ridiculous amount of notes]

President George W. Bush: Now, to answer your question, we, uh… we don’t know all the details yet. But, basically in Phase Three, we crush the terrorists, then hold elections so the Iraqi people can choose their own destiny. ‘Cause I believe all people want freedom, don’t you?

Jim Lehrer: Absolutely, but when you say “crush the terrorists”, how exactly do you plan to do that?

President George W. Bush: Well, uh… by workin’ hard… workin’ Saturdays…

Jim Lehrer: … So your plan is to crush the terrorists by coming in on Saturdays?

President George W. Bush: If that’s what it takes.

Jim Lehrer: Senator Kerry, your response.

Sen. John Kerry: A Silver Star, a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts.

Jim Lehrer: Excuse me?

Sen. John Kerry: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were asking me what decorations I won in Vietnam.

Jim Lehrer: No, I wanted your reaction to the President’s plan.

Sen. John Kerry: [gesturing excessively] Jim, the fact is this administration lied to the American people. We were told Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. That it was about to acquire these weapons. That it was involved closely with al Qaeda. [cut to split-screen, showing Bush looking completely bewildered] And after misleading us into a war, we now find out this President doesn’t even have a plan to win the peace. He doesn’t, but I do.

Jim Lehrer: And what is your plan, Senator?

Sen. John Kerry: [still gesturing] I will do what this President should have done in the first place, which is enlist the help of our European allies so that the future of Iraq is not solely America’s responsibility.

Jim Lehrer: But Senator, given that many European governments were reluctant to come on board before the invasion, how would you convince them to step in now?

Sen. John Kerry: [still gesturing] Jim, I would sit down with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia, and I would explain to them why we simply can’t afford to ignore Iraq. I would remind them that Iraq maintains vast stock piles of weapons of mass destruction, that it’s actively seeking to acquire nuclear weapons, that it’s closely allied with al Qaeda, it was almost certainly behind 9/11.

Jim Lehrer: But, just a few minutes ago, didn’t you say that none of that was true?

Sen. John Kerry: I changed my mind.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, continuing with Senator Kerry’s point, suppose we fail to stop the insurgency in Iraq, do you have a contingency plan to restore stability in the country?

President George W. Bush: Well, of course we do, Jim… we, uh, we work hard, you know… we came up with the contingency plan., you know, uh… that’s our job, you know and… and it’s hard work, thinking of a plan, you know, uh… let alone two plans, you know… a regular plan and a contingency plan, you know, uh… a lotta long hours… reading documents and, uh… sitting in meetings and, you know, like, you know, uh… we came in on Sunday once.

Jim Lehrer: Could you describe the contingency plan?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, let me first say I don’t believe this contingency plan will be necessary because, you know, the fact is we are, uh, you know… we’re winning. But, uh, you know if by some chance it should prove impossible to restore stability in time for elections, you know, the backup plan would be to replace Mr. Allawi with a more forceful, authoritarian leader. Someone who can bring order to Iraq until it’s ready for democracy.

Jim Lehrer: And that leader would be…?

President George W. Bush: … Saddam Hussein?

Jim Lehrer: [pause] So… you’re considering restoring Saddam Hussein to power?

President George W. Bush: You know, uh, that’s the back-up plan… was that our first choice? Of course not! You know, that’s why it’s just a backup… uh, although I will say that, you know, if you’re looking for a strong, decisive leader, you could do a lot worse that Saddam Hussein. He ran the country for thirty years, so he’s got the experience, you know, uh… there would be no on-the-job training with Saddam Hussein. First day, he’d hit the ground running, you know, plus he… you know, he works hard… puts in the, you know, the… long hours. Eats at his desk. Comes in weekends… and, uh, unlike my opponent, once- once Saddam Hussein takes a position, he sticks to it. You know, he doesn’t shift in the wind.

Jim Lehrer: Senator, the President appears to be leveling a charge he frequently repeats against you, that you’re a flip-flopper. How do you respond?

Sen. John Kerry: My opponent will like you to believe that I’ve changed my opinion on the war. The fact is I have one position, and one position only. Was Saddam a threat? Yes. I’ve said so since day one. Was his regime dangerous to the security of the United States? Of course not. Did he deserve to be removed? You bet. Was it the right action to remove him from power? No way. Was he in possession of weapons of mass destruction? Absolutely. Did he possess these weapons? No he did not. And that has always been my position.

Jim Lehrer: President Bush, your response.

President George W. Bush: He, you know, he… there he goes again, Jim. I don’t know how you can win a war if you keep saying “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.”

Jim Lehrer: I don’t think he said that.

President George W. Bush: Well, I- I thought I heard him say that.

Jim Lehrer: No, sir, he did not. He said plenty of nonsensical things, anyone of which you could very easily refute. But just now he did not say anything close to “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.”

[cut to split-screen]

President George W. Bush: You didn’t?

[Kerry shakes his head]

Jim Lehrer: With that this debate comes to a close. Each candidate will now make a brief closing statement. Senator Kerry.

Sen. John Kerry: You know, this President like to talk, about how I called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time. That a few days later, how I say that anyone who doesn’t think the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein, is not fit be Commander in Chief. But what he doesn’t tell you is that when I denounced the war in Iraq , I was speaking to an anti-war group. And when I endorsed the war, I was addressing a pro-war delegation from the UGA. The fact of the matter is I have consistently supported the war in front of pro-war audiences, and condemned it when speaking to groups that oppose it. That is not flip-flopping, that is pandering! And America deserves a President who knows the difference. Thank you.

Jim Lehrer: President Bush.

President George W. Bush: You know, September 11th changed how America must look at the world. I wake up everyday… and work hard. You know, thinking about how to protect America, you know… it’s my job. And it’s hard… it’s hard work. Frankly, I don’t know why- why my opponent even wants this job, you know… cause it’s hard. You know, a lot of people… working at meetings and… you know, it’s hard work and… [a buzzer interrupts]

Jim Lehrer: And with that, tonight’s debate comes to a close. Thank you, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>




Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 23rd, 2004

Jude Law

Ashlee Simpson

None

None
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Kerry campaign with smiling Ed Gillespie (Seth Meyers) and hothead Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Zell Miller.

Transcript

Montage

Jude Law’s MonologueSummary: Female cast members fawn over Jude Law with a song.

Bio: Jude Law (1972-). Actor; named for the Beatles song “Hey Jude”; among the six films he appeared in this year are “Alfie”, “I ♥ Huckabees”, and “Closer”.

Transcript

Green ScreenSummary: In a parody of “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”, an actor (Jude Law) struggles with the task of performing an entire movie in front of a green screen.

Dyson ToiletSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the last episode’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Presidential DebatesSummary: Now in their ninth debate, President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) repeat the themes they’ve already covered in previous debates.

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.

Paris Hilton ApologizesSummary: Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and sister Nicky (Jude Law) apologize for their recent use of the N-word.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton.

Transcript

Ashlee Simpson performs “Pieces Of Me”Bio: Ashlee Simpson (1984-). Singer/actress; younger sister of pop star Jessica Simpson; appeared regularly on “7th Heaven”.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: The Ghost of Babe Ruth (Horatio Sanz) and his hooker (Rachel Dratch) comment on the Red Sox curse.

Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth.

Transcript

Bush and BlairSummary: President Bush (Will Forte) and Prime Minister Tony Blair (Jude Law) hold a press conference.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tony Blair.

“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: Dracula-garbed Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a promo for “The Apprentice.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Jude Law), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s Colin Firth episode.

Ashlee Simpson attempts to perform “Autobiography”Note: Oops! Ashlee Simpson is caught red-handed for lip-synching when her earlier recorded performance is accidentally replayed. Flustered, she performs a “hoedown” before getting the hell off the stage as quickly as she can.

Bear CitySummary: The adventures of a post-meteor Earth populated by bears is documented this week by an automobile collision involving two bear drivers.

The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael CaineSummary: Peter O’Toole (Jude Law) and Michael Caine (Seth Meyers) will have a drink together anywhere — even if they’re not quite sure where it is they’re at.

Recurring Characters: Michael Caine, Peter O’Toole.

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: When a bear is caught mimicking his boss, he’s promptly fired.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

GreyhoundSummary: First-time bus riders (Jude Law, Amy Poehler) deal with crazy people during a layover.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.

Cool PoliceSummary: Members of the Cool Police (Jude Law, Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler) legally dictate what’s cool and what’s not.

Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin (Jude Law) hit on women at the office Halloween party.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Note: This sketch will later air as a Christmas party on the episode hosted by Colin Farrell.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Wedding DJ



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1



04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Wedding DJ

Amy Poehler…..Bride
Rob Riggle…..Groom
Ben Affleck…..DJ Ranger
Fred Armisen…..Father Matachuck
Will Forte…..Brian

Bride: I love you.

Groom: I love you.

DJ Ranger: What up? Hey there lovebirds I’m all set up over in my booth so when y’all ready DJ Ranger is gonna get this party started, alright y’all just holla back to me now.

Bride: Ok.

DJ Ranger: Feel me.

Bride: Is this the DJ we decided on?

Groom: Yeah, he came with the ballroom.

Bride: Ok, well um I think we’re gonna say grace and then we’re gonna have dinner before the dancing and everything.

DJ Ranger: Alright, well believe me I know how all this goes, I’ve done literally mizzillions of wizzeddings, you know what I’m talking about.

Groom: wizzedding, what’s a wizzedding?

Bride: I’m not sure.

DJ Ranger: alright, hello ballroom B this is DJ Ranger and y’all are in danger, bads and the loudies are in the house tonight let me hear you!(pause for applause) Come on now you can do better than that let me here ya! (pause for applause) Alright its benediction time. Y’all ready top prizzay? Who’s your daddy? It’s Father Matachuck, check it out here it comes.

(Father comes in)

DJ Ranger: alright Father it’s time to bring it down on a real tip we’re gonna get serious with a prayer, alright break ‘em off father.

Father Matachuck: Dear Lord, let us pray.

(“Sister Christian” plays)

Father Matachuck: Father, please bless this beautiful young couple as they start their new lives together teach them patience and love for one another, and bless this food so it will nourish our bodies amen.

Bride: Amen

DJ Ranger: Woo! “Motoring,” there it is “What’s Your Price for Flight,” lalalala, let’s hear it for Father Matachuck, break him off, break him off, alright Father stay away from the kiddy tables alright, I’m just playing, I’m just playing. Alright, listen, the name of the game is suck and blow alright everybody at the table, y’all grab a napkin, right.

Groom: Hey, hey, hey.

DJ Ranger: Yo, what up?

Groom: Uh, look we kinda want this wedding to be more chill so maybe no games or shout outs, cool?

DJ Ranger: Alright, that’s cool. Alright sorry everybody looks like the bride and groom wanna leave suck and blow for the honeymoon, swizzle! Ok, I’m playing I’m playing. Yo seriously y’all, its time to toast yo. Let’s welcome the best man, Ashley’s little brother Brian. Yo, B-boy get up in this buu, give the speech, give the speech.

Brian: Thank you, what a wonderful day we’ve all had so far we’re all excited for the new Mrs. and Mr. Baird, nobody more so than Mom, whose looking down from heaven, uh.

(“Wild Thing” starts playing)

Brian: Mom would have been so proud of you today, Ashley and you look so beautiful in her wedding dress, you know if mom could be here today I know what she would say,(to DJ) can you cut it please, can you please cut this?

DJ Ranger: Alright.

Brian: Thank you, thank you very much, anyway uh Mom wrote a poem before she passed and she asked me to read on your wedding day so uh here it is: an angel is a smile that fate,

(siren blazes)

DJ Ranger: Uh-oh somebody just set off the booty alarm!

Brian: Dude, I’m trying to read a poem written by my dead mother.

DJ Ranger: I know but someone set off the booty alarm, yo!

Brian: Oh, forget it!

DJ Ranger: Alright, I can feel it’s time to get movin’ and groovin’, dancin’ for the first time as husband and wife to a song they selected Joel and Ashley Baird, hit it.

(“Who Let the Dogs Out” starts playing)

Bride: What? This isn’t our song!

DJ Ranger: Sure about that?

Bride: Yeah I’m sure, we wanted that Norah Jones song.

DJ Ranger: Norah Jones?

Bride: Yeah, we can’t dance to this, we need a slow song.

DJ Ranger: Alright, check it!

(DJ slows down the record, starts dancing suggestively behind the bride)

Bride: This is awful!

Groom: Honey, just ignore him; come on now sweetie, this is our wedding alright just look at me alright. We’re married, that’s all that matters, ok dude that’s enough.

Bride: I told you we should have gotten a band!

Groom: No you didn’t.

Bride: Yes I did.

Groom: Maybe in your head you did.

Bride: What’s that suppose to mean?

DJ Ranger: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, their first fight as a married couple! Can you feel it? Its electric boogie woogie woogie woogie woogie!

(Electric slide song starts playing, DJ starts dancing)

Bride: Oh my god!

Groom: Ashley, honey, sweetie, wait!

DJ Ranger: For this next song, I need all the bride’s friends to take off their bras!

Submitted by: NeuroticKitten21

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

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SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3



04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

Peter O’Toole…..Jude Law
Michael Caine…..Seth Meyers
Brett…..Rob Riggle
Employee…..Rachel Dratch
Gary…..Kenan Thompson

[Title graphic appears as announcer speaks.]

Announcer: And now it is time once again for “The Adventures of PeterO’Toole and Michael Caine.”

[A fast food restaurant, night. A drunken Peter O’Toole and an equallydrunken Michael Caine enter in tuxedos, carrying martinis. Peter alsocarries a cigarette in a holder.]

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: How are you, then?

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Good to see you!

Peter O’Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Coming through!

Peter O’Toole: Coming through! Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O’Toole: Michael, I have one question for you: Where in God’s name are we?

Michael Caine: Well, let’s figure it out: a group of people…a TacoBell/Pizza Hut Express sign…and we’re wearing tuxedos. We must behosting a talk show.

Peter O’Toole: Excellent!

[They sit at a table and address the camera.]

Michael Caine: Hello, I’m Michael Caine.

Peter O’Toole: And I’m Peter O’Toole.

Michael Caine: And you’re watching “An Evening with Peter andMichael.” Please enjoy our combined 200 years of acting excellence.

Peter O’Toole: This man has been in over 300 films: “Hannah and Her Sisters”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …”Ipcress File”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …”Star Wars”…

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O’Toole: …”Garfield”…

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O’Toole: …”The Jigsaw Man”…

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O’Toole: …Sir Penny Marshall’s “A League of Their Own”…

Michael Caine: Absolutely not.

Peter O’Toole: …and the first season of “NYPD Blue.”

Michael Caine: David Caruso.

Peter O’Toole: And I have been told by many people that I am still making films.

[A customer at the next table gets up and walks behind Peter and Michael.]

Brett: Hey, can I grab a napkin there, Chief?

Peter O’Toole: Oh, wonderful, we have a caller! What is your name,and where are you from?

Brett: My name’s Brett, I’m from, uh…I’m from behind you. Look, I’mjust going to grab one of these napkins. [He does so and returns tohis table.]

Peter O’Toole: Thank you for your call! And remember, everyone, thenumber is 8…1…3…hundred…6.

Michael Caine: We would now like to pause for a word from our sponsor.

[Twelve-second pause. Peter smokes, Michael drinks.]

Michael Caine: Thank you, Walker’s Crisps!

Peter O’Toole: Britain’s best crisps since 1455…7…2.

Michael Caine: It is now time for a segment on our show we like tocall “Guess the Accents.”

Peter O’Toole: [clears throat, then speaks in his normal voice]”Hello, sir, I am here about the telegram.”

Michael Caine: Italian.

Peter O’Toole: Correct.

Michael Caine: [speaks in his normal voice] “Hey, you. You over there.I’m talking to you. I’m going to tell you something about how to treata woman.”

Peter O’Toole: German.

Michael Caine: Correct.

[An employee approaches the table.]

Employee: Do you guys need me to call someone for you?

Michael Caine: You’re in the shot, love.

[She leaves.]

Peter O’Toole: Michael, I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that we arenot hosting a talk show.

Michael Caine: I think you’re right. We must be teaching an acting workshop.

[They stand.]

Peter O’Toole: The key to acting is knowing what your character wants.

[Gary, a customer, walks by with a tray of food.]

Peter O’Toole: Othello!

Michael Caine: Hey!

Gary: Yo, dude, my name is not Othello.

Peter O’Toole: It was Wolverhampton Rep, the year was 1973. I playedIago, and you were marvelous!

Gary: Look, crazy dudes, I just want to eat my chicken soft taco in peace.

Michael Caine: You’ve told me what you want, but now make me believe it!

Gary: [frustrated] LEAVE ME ALONE!

Michael Caine: Now you are an actor.

[Michael and Peter put their drinks down and applaud Gary. They allsit down. The employee returns.]

Employee: Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Peter O’Toole: Dear lady, where the hell are we?

Employee: At a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express.

Michael Caine: In that case, I would like a chalupa.

Peter O’Toole: And I would like your finest Gin Lover’s Pizza.

Employee: We don’t…we don’t have any gin.

[Peter and Michael stand.]

Michael Caine: That’s all the time we have.

Peter O’Toole: We’d like to thank our sponsors, Walker’s Crisps and the planet Mercury.

b>Michael Caine: Can anyone here direct us to the nearest gentlemen’s club?

[Gary stands.]

Gary: Uh, actually, uh…I know I’m going to regret this, but I’m headed to one right now.

b>Peter O’Toole: Othello!

Gary: Look, man, my name is Gary, you know what I’m saying? But wegotta get going, because after ten o’clock it’s a twenty dollar cover.

Peter O’Toole: Twenty dollars? Then we’d best hurry, for we arewithout money and have been so for ages! Exeunt!

[Peter moves toward the door, as Michael picks up a napkin dispenserand puts his hand on Gary’s shoulder]

Michael Caine: So, is this your first time in Kingsbridge?

Gary: Uh…dude, you’re in Detroit.

Michael Caine: That’s what you get for letting O’Toole drive.

[Michael staggers off as the title graphic reappears.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Debbie Downer



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1




04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Debbie Downer

Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Ronnie…..Ben Affleck
Ronnie’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ronnie’s Uncle…..Horatio Sanz
Friend #1…..Amy Poehler
Friend #2…..Fred Armisen

(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says “Happy 35th Ronnie!”)

All: Happy birthday to you!

Friend #1: Make a wish!

(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells “Yay!”)

Friend #2: What’d you wish for?

Ronnie: Can’t tell ya; it won’t come true!

Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!

Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)

Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I’d wish they’d release the British hostage in Iraq.

(wah wahhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s pained demeanor)

Jingle:
“You’re enjoying your day
Everything’s going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You’ll beg her to spare you
Debbie, please!
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!

Ronnie’s Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!

Ronnie: All right, here’s a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday…my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.

Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne’s out of the picture.

Friend #1: Jeanne? Who’s Jeanne?

Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They’re still counting the fatalities in Haiti.

(wah wahhhhhhhh; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)

Ronnie’s Wife: Um…you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)

Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!

Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I’ll do it.

Debbie: First it was Cha–

Friend #1: All right!

Debbie: First it was Charley…

(wah wah)

Debbie: Then Frances.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Ivan.

(wah wah)

Debbie: And Jeanne.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl’s got in store?

(wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in even further on Debbie’s face)

(pained expressions by other partygoers)

Friend #1: Okay! Why don’t you open mine first?

Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let’s see what we got here….Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.

Debbie: Oh…I haven’t been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie again)

(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)

Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?

Ronnie’s Uncle: It’s mine, there, Ronnie.

Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well…what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod…thank you so much.

Ronnie’s Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.

Ronnie: You know…we should go Saturday!

Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!

Ronnie: Wouldn’t that be fun?

Ronnie’s Uncle: Done deal.

(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)

Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don’t cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.

(wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie making an “unsure” facial expression)

Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what’d you get your sweetie for his birthday?

Ronnie’s Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s gonna be incredible.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah!

Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s worried facial expression)

Ronnie: We’re not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah. We’re going to see elephants in their natural habitat.

Debbie: Well, that’s cool. See ’em now…populations are dwindling.

(elephant wah wah sound; zoom in on Debbie)

Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!

Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.

Ronnie: Yeah, I’m excited.

Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah.

Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?

Friend #1: What?

Debbie: Well, if I don’t get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in)

(everyone looks pissed off)

Debbie: By the way, it’s official — they’ve located my birth mother. Deceased.

(deeper wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)

Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum…I didn’t say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.

Debbie: (shakes finger) It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)

Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh…I gotta get a drink.

Ronnie’s Wife: Honey, no! The party’s just starting. We are taking you dancing.

Friend #1: Yeah, let’s go! *everyone jumps up*

Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can’t stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man’s coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.

(wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s half-grin)

(end title card)

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” (wahhh wah)

Debbie: “Bird flu’s even deadlier than SARS.”

Submitted by: Mike Halterman

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: Dyson Toilet



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3




04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Dyson Toilet

James Dyson….Fred Armisen

[Opens with the trendy inventor with gray hair in a lab. He has a strong English accent.]

James Dyson: Hello there. I’m James Dyson. Inventor of the Dyson Vacuum….the first vacuum that doesn’t use suction.

[Cut to the yellow vacuum with a transparent, plastic, dust bag. Signature is written beside the toilet. James Dyson]

And now I’ve applied the same technology to another household necessity, the common toilet. You see, I was visiting a friend one weekend and after taking a particularly difficult Sunday-morning squat on what I thought was a pretty good commode,…

[Cut to James, pants around his ankles, taking a dump]

I was amazed by the lousy suction.

[Cut to James flushing, he is intrigued by the flush]

I realized there must be something terribly wrong with this design.

[Cut to James wearing protection glasses with his face in the toilet bowl making an examination]

I took the toilet apart and discovered the problem.

[James puts his hand deep in the toilet bowl]

A small amount of my discard was hopelessly clogged.

[James back in the lab]

So I decided to design something better. And a few thousand prototypes later I had it….the Dyson Toilet.

[The toilet is exactly like the vacuum but with a toilet bowl attached to it]

The first toilet that doesn’t use suction.

[Cut to James with his face next to the toilet bowl holding a pan filled with ravioli]

Just look at how it handles this massive load of pumpkin ravioli.

[James deposits the raviolis in the toilet bowl. A hard flush takes the raviolis into the transparent dust bag. Its a mess of water, meat, pasta, tomato sauce all smeared in the see-through bag.]

And those ravioli were quite dense. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?

The Dyson Toilet….the first toilet that doesn’t require plunging.

[A last look at the Dyson Toilet.] [Signature: James Dyson.]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: The Escalator



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1



04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

The Escalator

Soccer Mom #1…..Rachel Dratch
Soccer Mom #2…..Amy Poehler
Young Man…..Ben Affleck
Business Man…..Chris Parnell
Hospital Employee…..Horatio Sanz
Maria…..Maya Rudolph
Fireman #1…..Will Forte
Fireman #2…..Rob Riggle

[open on exterior of a shopping mall with title: “Woodfield Mall, Schaumburgh, Illinois”] [dissolve to interior, with six people standing on a descending elevator while pleasant muzak plays]

Soccer Mom #1: You know, I want to stop by Nine West on the way out.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, yeah, they’re having a great sale this week.

Soccer Mom #1: I could really use some new mules.

Soccer Mom #2: That would be great.

[escalator stops moving and muzak stops]

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God. What’s going on?

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, the escalator stopped.

Young Man: All right, everybody just calm down.

Business Man: Excuse me, but what’s going on.

Young Man: We’re stuck between floors.

Hospital Employee: Isn’t there a button we can press, or something?

Soccer Mom #2: Don’t worry everybody; I have my cell phone. I’ll just call–Damn it! I’m not getting any cell phone reception!

Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God! We’re trapped!

[dramatic music plays]

Young Man: All right. Just relax, everybody. I’m sure someone’s notice the elevator stopped, and we’ll be moving in no time.

Maria: ¿Qué es el problema?

Business Man: The problem? Ah, we’re suck.

Maria: ¿Qué?

Business Man: Oh, great. Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Hospital Employee: Look, we can’t be stuck. [holds up a cooler] I gotta get this kidney to the hospital in twenty minutes!

Business Man: And I’ve got a huge business presentation that my job depends on, so how about that?!

Soccer Mom #2: I have children that depend on me!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: I can’t breathe! [Young Man walks carefully down to just below the two soccer moms] I can’t breathe!

Young Man: Lady, calm down! Calm down! [slaps Soccer Mom #1] [Young Man shouts in frustration, startling everybody] [Maria cries out in pain, clutching her stomach, and we can see that she is pregnant]

Hospital Employee: Hey, guys, I think this lady’s going into labor!

Business Man: Help! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting for help]

Young Man: Look, screaming isn’t going to do us any good. Does anyone have a rope or a grappling hook?

Maria: ¡Mi bebé está viniendo ahora! ¡Ahora!

Soccer Mom #1: Would somebody shut her up?! Shut up! Just shut up!

Young Man: Quiet! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: I’ve been taking the stairs for fifteen years! “Save a little time. Take the escalator.” Idiot! Idiot!

Hospital Employee: Oh, boy, this kidney isn’t looking so hot. I hope Senator Williams can hold on for three more hours.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, my God. I’m so scared.

Young Man: Don’t be scared. I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.

Soccer Mom #2: You promise? [puts her hand on Young Man’s cheek]

Young Man: Cross my heart and hope to–

Soccer Mom #2: [puts her hand on Young Man’s mouth] Shhhhh, don’t say it. Just show it.

[Young Man and Soccer Mom #2 kiss] [the escalator jars suddenly, and everybody shouts]

Business Man: Okay, I have to get out of here, now!

Hospital Employee: I’m gonna be in trouble. Why was I shopping with this thing, anyway?

Business Man: Who cares about your damn kidney?!

Soccer Mom #1: Shut up! Everybody just shut up!

Young Man: Damn it! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]

Business Man: That’s it! I’m getting out of here!

Young Man: No, everyone stay put!

Business Man: Why? So we can watch each other die?! Forget it! Forget you! See you later, suckers! [jumps off the side of the escalator] [all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: Nooooo!!!!!

Young Man: That was stupid, stupid, stupid.

[Maria cries out in pain]

Hospital Employee: Oh, no! Something’s poking out down there!

[Maria’s breathing is strained]

Hospital Employee: Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out.

Young Man: All right, I’m going up there.

Soccer Mom #2: Sweetheart, be careful.

Young Man: I’ll be fine. You just take care of you.

Soccer Mom #2: I love you.

Young Man: I love you. [turns towards the top of the escalator] All right. [struggles to climb to where Maria is standing]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, God. Be careful.

Hospital Employee: Are you a doctor?

Young Man: I am now. ¿Cómo te llama?

Maria: Maria.

Young Man: Maria, hola. ¿Cómo estas?

Maria: ¿Muy bien, gracias, y tu?

Young Man: Muy bien, muy bien. [speaks additionally in Spanish]

Maria: Okay.

[Young man says one word in Spanish, and Maria begins pushing and grunting loudly]

Young Man: Push! Push! Come on Maria! [lifts up the baby]

Hospital Employee: It’s a boy! A baby boy!

Pilot: [voice from above] Hello! Can anyone hear me?!

[all shouting]

Soccer Mom #1: We’re stuck down here! Hurry, please! Augh!

Pilot: [voice from above] Don’t worry, we’re sending someone down to get you out of there.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God!

[a rope is thrown down from above, and Fireman #1 descends into frame]

Fireman #1: Did anyone call for a rescue? [the rope suddenly catches] Oh, God, no! [he falls]

Young Man: Is that the best you can do?! Is that the best you can do?! Come and get me, God! I’m here!

Soccer Mom #1: We’re all gonna die!

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, shut up! [backhands Soccer Mom #1] Wait a minute! Look! [points towards the bottom of the escalator] Oh!

Fireman #2: [walking upwards from below] I found a way out. You’re all gonna be safe. Just follow me.

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Everybody, quickly, quickly.

[Fireman #2 takes Soccer Mom #1’s hand and escorts her down, followed by Maria and Hospital Employee, who begins to drop his cooler]

Soccer Mom #2: Oh, watch out for the–watch out for the kidney.

[dramatic music turns into a romantic melody]

Young Man: What are you doing for the next forty-five years of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: I’m married.

Young Man: Oh. What are you doing for the next four to five minutes of your life?

Soccer Mom #2: Having sex with you in the back seat of my Honda Odyssey.

Young Man: I had a feeling. Come on! [picks up Soccer Mom #2 and carries her, piggyback, down the escalator] [Music out: “Morning After” by Maureen McGovern (from “The Poseiden Adventure”)] [title: “The End”] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3



04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Goodnights

…..Jude Law
…..Ashlee Simpson

(Dissolve from a Jude Law still photo to a still shot of the New York skyline with the words: Promotional Services Furnished by Columbia Pictures to Jude Law hugging Ashlee Simpson shortly after her second song turned into disaster)

Jude Law: What can I say, it’s live TV.

Ashlee Simpson: Exactly, I feel so bad, my band started playing the wrong song, and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought I’d do a hoe-down. I’m sorry!

(Jude Law simulates Ashlee Simpson’s pose, as though implying she’s full of it)

Jude Law: Ashlee Simpson!

Ashlee Simpson: I didn’t mean for it to happen.

Jude Law: The cast! Everybody here! Go see “Alfie”! It opens November 30th. Thank you!

(Cast hugs Ashlee and Jude)

Transcribed by: C. Elwood Bastien

SNL Transcripts