SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Ben Affleck’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1



04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck
…..Alec Baldwin

Ben Affleck: Alright, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! In case you’re wondering, you’re not watching a repeat. Yes, I did host just five minutes ago. Yes, I do have a new movie coming out. And, yes, the Yankees and the Red Sox are in the Play-Offs, once again. So, uh, maybe it is a repeat.[ audience cheers ]But, uh, yeah.. things are going pretty good – thanks for telepathically asking. Life is good. Um.. you know.. life is good, what can I tell ya’?

Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, yeah! Life is good, my friend!

Ben Affleck: [ glances stage left ] What’s that, sir? did you say something?

Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, I said your life is good! Real good!

[ audience screams with excitement as Alec Baldwin – the voice’s identity – appears on the stage with Affleck ]

Alec Baldwin: I should know how good your life is, because I’ve lived it once before!

Ben Affleck: Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen. [ audience screams again ] Thank you for coming tonight. It’s very kind of you to show up and watch the show.

Alec Baldwin: Yeah, I didn’t come here to watch the show! I came here to ask you a question!

Ben Affleck: Okay, well.. what’s up?

Alec Baldwin: Why are you stealing my moves?

Ben Affleck: [ confused ] Come again?

Alec Baldwin: You heard me, punk! You’re stealing all my moves!

Ben Affleck: Yeah, I.. really don’t know what you’re talking about..

Alec Baldwin: [ chuckles ] Oh, come o-o-o-on! Hosting SNL all the time, public break-ups with famous women, fighting with the paparazzi, showing up at the Democratic National Convention? These are my moves, Ben!

Ben Affleck: [ dramatically ] They’re not.. moves.. to me, Alec. They’re just the.. slow-motion train wreck I like to call my life.

Alec Baldwin: [ getting to the point ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”?

Ben Affleck: What?! No, that’s crazy!

Alec Baldwin: Is it crazy? They called you to play Jack Ryan, didn’t they?

Ben Affleck: Yeah, but that was different. You said you didn’t want to do it any more. You quit, you went and did Broadway.

Alec Baldwin: I wanted more money, so I told them to go screw themselves! I call that my Irish Negotiating Technique.

Ben Affleck: [ laughs ] That’s good, I’ll have to remember that one!

Alec Baldwin: Yeah, don’t jerk me around, Gigli! [ after brief audience applause, leans in and gets serious again ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”? ‘Cause they haven’t called me yet!

Ben Affleck: No, Alec!

Alec Baldwin: Look me in the EYE!

Ben Affleck: [ finally surrenders ] Okay, fine! [ Alec grimaces at the defeat ] They offered me your part in “Cat in the Hat 2”! But I’m not gonna do it, okay!

Alec Baldwin: I wouldn’t wish it on you anyway. Mike Myers will suck your soul out, and complain how bad it tastes! [ huge audience applause ] Where you living, New York?

Ben Affleck: L.A.

Alec Baldwin: Keep in that way! How many times you hosted this show?

Ben Affleck: Three. How about you?

Alec Baldwin: Nine times, Popeye! [ flexes his muscles triumphantly ] You, uh, hit on Amy Poehler yet?

Ben Affleck: Yeah, I —

Alec Baldwin: Did she turn you down?

Ben Affleck: Yeah —

Alec Baldwin: Of course, she did! She’s a very classy woman! How many times you been nominated for an Oscar?

Ben Affleck: I have an Oscar.

Alec Baldwin: [ winces in defeat ] I forgot that.. shi-! Alright, good for you. I’ll just give you one word of advice: don’t get too comfortable. Me and Goodman are constantly circling the building every five minutes. You understand?

Ben Affleck: I do. Yes, sir.

Alec Baldwin: Alright, good! [ addresses the audience ] We’ve got a great show – Nelly’s here, everybody! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Swift Boat Veterans For Truth



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1





04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Swift Boat Veterans For Truth

Larry Thurlow…..Chris Parnell
Ken Gardner…..Darrell Hammond
Steve Cordier…..Horatio Sanz
George O’Dell…..Fred Armsien
Adrian Letson…..Will Forte

[ open on post-debate commentary, pro-Kerry, from fellow politicians ]

Joe Biden: And tonight, John Kerry showed his mastery of the world —

John McCain: I think he came across as somebody who had a very good grasp of the issues. He understands Korea, he understands Iran —

[ SUPER: “But what about domestic issues?” ]

[ SUPER: “Listen to those who served with him” ]

[ dissolve to Larry Thurlow, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]

[ SUPER: “Larry Thurlow
Lieutenant J.G.
Bronze Star” ]

Larry Thurlow: We were on a routine patrol outside Don Huong, when we started taking sniper fire. Three of us were pinned down. It was pretty bad. That’s when John Kerry turned to me, and said, “You know, I don’t think Americans pay enoupgh taxes.” I said, “Lieutenant, but what about the snipers?” He said, “I think I’d tax them, too.”

[ dissolve to Ken Gardner, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]

[ SUPER: “Ken Gardner
Foregunner, PGF-44
John Kerry’s boat” ]

Ken Gardner: When Kerry noticed the swift boat had a gasoline engine, he blew a gasket. Kept going on about our dependence on foreign oil. That’s when he threw the whole engine overboard, and ordered us to complete the mission on windpower. Then, of course, he flip-flopped, and made us put the tank back in.

[ dissolve to Steve Cordier, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]

[ SUPER: “Steve Cordier
Builds models of boats like theo ne Kerry served on” ]

Steve Cordier: We happened upon two Viet Cong soldiers, and.. everyone thought it was an ambush. John Kerry jumped off the boat and chased after them. Within minutes, he returned to the boat with the soldiers and said, “These men are in love.” And he conducted a gay marriage ceremony. To honor, obey, and love you long time. It made us all sick.

[ dissolve to George O’Dell, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]

[ SUPER: “George O’Dell
Travel Agent
Has booked trips to Vietnam” ]

George O’Dell: We were being attacked outside of Da Nang, and Kerry ordered us not to shoot the enemy because he was against the death penalty. He made us build a jail out of bamboo, where the Viet Cong would get life imprisonment and federally-funded health care.

[ dissolve to Ken Gardner, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]

[ SUPER: “Ken Gardner
Foregunner, PGF-44
John Kerry’s boat” ]

Ken Gardner: — then he flip-flopped, and turned the jail into a gentlemen’s club. Then back into a jail. We never knew where he stood.

[ dissolve to Adrian Letson, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]

[ SUPER: “Adrian Letson
Saw “Platoon” ” ]

Adrian Letson: Kerry wouldn’t eat Army rations. He insisted on fancy French food and wine. Then he fell in love with a young Vietnamese girl who had invented some sort of rice and tomato sauce concoction called “cat-sup.” Marrying the enemy was a real slap in the face. Pretty soon, she was giving orders to all of us, especially Lt. Kerry.

[ dissolve to SUPER: “Paid For By Swift Boat Veterans For Truth and A rich Texas Dude. Not Authorized By any Candidate, Especially Bush. We Haven’t Even Talked to Bush. We Bet He Hates These.” ]

Announcer: Paid for by Swift Boat Veterans For Truth.

[ dissolve to Adobe Photoshop logo ]

Second Announcer: And Adobe Photoshop. Adobe. When you want the truth, real bad.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 10/02/04: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1








04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

……Tina Fey
……Amy Poehler
New Jersey resident……James Gandolfini
……Ben Affleck
Elton John……Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

President Bush and Senator John Kerry’s first Presidential debate was held this past Thursday, and while neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner, though President Bush later complained it was ’cause he couldn’t get his buzzer to work!

Amy Poehler: Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he’s a flip-flopper, saying, “I have one position on Iraq. I’m for-gainst it.”

Tina Fey: Senator Kerry– [cracks up]

Amy Poehler: That was my first joke!

Tina Fey: Your first joke! Yeah! [supportive cheers and applause] Ahh…

Senator Kerry attacked President Bush’s foreign policy strategy, saying that if he were elected, he would expand the international coalition fighting in Iraq. And, sure enough, Friday morning Kerry did receive a call from French President Jacques Chirac, saying [in French accent] “We are, uh, how do you say, uh, not coming.”

Now to be fair, the only reason many debate analysts felt that Senator Kerry outperformed President Bush is because as the debate wore on, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words.

Amy Poehler: While many consider the President’s performance underwhelming, he did still manage to win the prestigious Norman Fell Camera Take Award.

[split-screen shot of Norman Fell and President Bush both doing similar camera takes; some applause]

Tina Fey: Ahh, Norman Fell. God bless him.

[picture of First Lady Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry at the debate, both wearing white blouses]
The debate ended with a moment of bipartisan levity when Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry dressed up like nurses and made out with each other.

Amy Poehler: One of the big stories that we missed this summer was New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey’s annoucement that he is gay, and that he will resign amid gay-related scandal involving Golan Cipel, an Israeli former staffer.

Tina Fey: To ge the local perspective on the issue, Weekend Update would now like to present an editorial from this New Jersey resident.

[New Jersey resident enters and remains standing, to huge cheers and applause]

New Jersey resident: How ya doin’?

[SUPER: “NEW JERSEY RESIDENT”]

Well, uh, first of all I’d like to thank you for letting me be here, and that’s a little token of my appreciation. [gives a large box to Tina]

Tina Fey: Wow, uh– a DVD player! Thank you!

New Jersey resident: It’s a Sanyo, it’s a good one.

Tina Fey: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: Nice.

New Jersey resident: [motioning to Amy] And if I knew you were gonna be here, I woulda brought one for you too, sweetheart.

Amy Poehler: Aww– that’s OK, I’m good.

New Jersey resident: Yeah, you are.

Amy Poehler: [shakes her head] So, would you- would you like to sit down?

New Jersey resident: No, no, I’m gonna stand, in case I– I wanna leave.

Tina Fey: OK, so uh– so, uh, your editorial about Jim McGreevey.

New Jersey resident: Yeah, yeah, I’m getting to it. [clears his throat]

Look, I didn’t want to talk about this McGreevey stuff, but I- I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. I mean, so the guy’s a fanook. Big deal. He had an affair. Every married guy’s got some action on the side. In this case, in the behind.

But instead of just paying the guy’s rent and bangin’ him in the penguin house of the zoo, McGreevey puts his guy on the payroll.

Tina Fey: And, I think, uh, part–

New Jersey resident: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.

Tina Fey: Sorry.

New Jersey resident: As I was saying, you never mix business with pleasure. Unless that business is prostitution.

Tina Fey: Well, people also feel that Golan Cipel–

New Jersey resident: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. You got a nice face.

Tina Fey: I- Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.

New Jersey resident: Well, use your head. [delayed laughter; some applause]

Any- anyway, I- I support the guy, but he makes a big mistake. Not only did he put his boyfriend on the payroll, he put him in charge of homeland security. And everybody knows the i bigi0 guys handle security, and the Jews watch the money.

Tina Fey: [surprised] OK, let’s not stereotype people, it’s not gonna–

New Jersey resident: Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t know you were one of the, uh, chosen people.

Tina Fey: I’m not, but you can’t say stuff like that!

New Jersey resident: I just did.

Anyway, I said what I had to say, and, uh, it was very nice meeting you [motioning to Amy], and the mouthy one [motioning to Tina] I’m not so sure.

[New Jersey resident exits to cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: An unif- An unidentified New Jersey resident!

That is- That is the scariest man I have ever been attracted to.

According to reports, Britney Spears has told family and close friends that she and her new jusband Kevin Federline are expecting their first child. So far, no word on whether it will be a pimp or a ho.

Amy Poehler: This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that’s five more than the real Donald Trump.

Not included in those phrases, [imitating Donald Trump] “I have a great deal of dignity.”

A Pakistani man who convinced his infertile wife to have an operation so they could have children, was arrested after he got the doctors to cut out one of her kidneys instead, so he could sell it, and then divorce her. Ugh, that’s just rude.

Tina Fey: Aw, you know, tell me about it. That is what Jimmy did to me. I thought he loved me– it turns out, he was just trying to steal my kidney!

Amy Poehler: Oh my God. I’m sorry to hear that, Tina.

Tina Fey: No, it’s fine. I’m over it. I mean, I act- I think this is gonna work out really well between me and you, ’cause it’s, it’s like good energy, it’s- it’s gonna be kinda cool, like that movie “Monster.”

Amy Poehler: Yeah?

Tina Fey: Yeah, you saw that movie “Monster,” right?

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Are you- are you gonna kill me?

Tina Fey: [laughs] No! I’m gonna kill other people, and you’re gonna be my girlfriend.

Amy Poehler: [laughs] Cool! [some applause]

Tina Fey: This week, Norway became the World Oyster Opening Champions. This was a stunning upset for last year’s Oyster Opening Champion: Colin Farrell.

Dirty.

Amy Poehler: Ooh, dirty, dirty.

In a recent interview, Matt Damon criticized Hollywood actors who only take roles in potential blockbusters, because he believes that stardom is irrelevant, and that it’s important to only choose interesting roles. Here with a response to these statements: a Hollywood actor.

[pan to Ben Affleck; applause]

Ben Affleck: Listen, bro. We all know who you’re talking about, OK? Not a big secret, you know. Been kind of a mainstream year for me, OK? Stop rubbing it in, alright? I get halfway through watching “Paycheck,” I went to ask the theater manager for my money back, and then I remembered I was in it. Alright? I got you.

And I know you’re not into stardom, but, uh… help me out here. [clears his throat] I can’t seem to recall which Chekov play “The Bourne Supremacy” is based on. And I’m sure they’ll be studying “Ocean’s 12” in the film classes at USC, believe me, because “Ocean’s 11” left so many unanswered questions. Hey, wait ’til you lose your mind, and make two movies in a row with i youri0 girlfriend, alright? [applause] And make two movies with Winona Ryder, I know, it’s just the– by the way, Street Cred, how’s Clooney’s yacht treating you? Is there a phone on that thing? I’ve been trying to call you for, like, three wieeks about this Project Greenlight mess. And another thing, uh…if the Red Sox lose, it’s your- it’s your fault because you moved to New York, you filthy traitor!

Amy Poehler: Ben Affleck, everyone! [applause] Hollywood actor! Hollywood actor.

Tina Fey: The Scottish scientists who stunned the world by cloning Dolly the sheep announced this week they plan to clone human embryos in a bid to cure Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Although so far, all they’ve succeeded in doing is creating sheep with Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

Amy Poehler: A small Spanish fishing boat this week hauled up 22 bales of hashish.

Tina Fey: [pointing to Amy’s cue card] No, no, wait, Amy, that says 23 bales of hash-

Amy Poehler: Ut tut tut– [quieting Tina] Be quiet, and meet me after the show. [pause] That’s what I’m talking about. I got hashish at my house!

Tina Fey: [chuckling] The first prescription treatment to boost a woman’s sex drive could be approved for use in the U.S. by next year. Until then, fake it ’til you make it, ladies.

[cut to promotional graphic]

Don Pardo V/O: Fake it ’til you make it, brought to you by Astroglide.

[cut back to the Weekend Update set]

Tina Fey: Last week, Elton John swore at reporters in Taiwan who mobbed him at the airport, calling them “rude, vile pigs.” Here to explain his actions is our old friend, Sir Elton John.

[pan to Elton John; applause]

[SUPER: “SIR ELTON JOHN”]

Elton John: Hello Tina. [looking around] Where’s my Jimmy boy?

Tina Fey: Ah- well, he’s gone, uh, Amy’s here now.

Elton John: [to Amy] You’re not really my cup of tea, dear. If you know what I mean.

Amy Poehler: ‘Cause you’re super-humanly gay?

Elton John: Yes.

Tina Fey: Uh, so it sounds like you had a pretty bad time in Taiwan.

Elton John: Tina, I’m sick about the whole situation. And, other lady–

Amy Poehler: My name’s Amy, actually.

Elton John: Rhonda, you know I’ve always expressed myself best via music. This song is my gesture of forgiveness.

[Elton John presses the keys on the keyboard and sings to the tune of “Your Song”]

“And you can tell everybody I love Taiwan
It may seem like a bunch of bull now that I’m gone
I hope you don’t mind that I was not kind
To those little vile pigs
How wonderful it would be
If they were all shot through the neck with a crossbow.”

Tina Fey: Wow. Yeesh!

Amy Poehler: It sounds like you have not forgiven anyone, Elton John!

Elton John: Well, Not Jimmy, they were rude. And I’m sorry, Tina, and the other girl, but the bottom line is– I was homesick. Haven’t you ever missed someone you loved?

Tina Fey: Yeah, well–

Amy Poehler: Sure.

Tina Fey: Yeah, of course, Elton, yeah.

Elton John: [singing to the tune of “Rocket Man”]
“I miss L.A. so much, I miss my guy
It’s lonely on the road
And there’s no one there to love you
When you’re away from home.”

Amy Poehler: Aww, that’s nice.

Elton John:
“But I think it’s gonna be a long, long time
Before I ever see Taiwan again
The people suck and the food smells weird
I hate Taiwan
And I hate China too
Also Korea, Japan and Singapore”

Tina Fey: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute! You hate all of Asia? You hate all of Asia.

Elton John:Sincerely, Tina.

Tina Fey: Alright, get out!

Elton John: And I’m not very fond of South Americans, either.

Amy Poehler: Get out of here, Elton John!

For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Elton John continues to bang on the piano keys as Tina an Amy hug; cheers and applause, fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>








Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 9th, 2004

Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah

None

Chris Kattan

John Lutz

Paula Pell
Decision ’04: The Presidential DebatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) conduct their most recent debate at a town hall forum.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, John Kerry.

Montage

Queen Latifah’s MonologueSummary: Queen Latifah conducts a jazz performance with The Scat Cats (Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Will Forte).

First Hosted: 02n.

Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Prince ShowSummary: Eccentric Prince (Fred Armisen) welcomes Patti LaBelle (Queen Latifah) as his guest, then makes her sit on a horse.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Sharon Stone.

ExcedrinSummary: Excedrin helps black office secretary, Linda (Queen Latifah), get rid of stress caused by racial tension headaches.

Transcript

Decision 2004: The Vice-Presidential DebateSummary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) moderates debate between Vice-Presidential nominees Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, John Edwards.

Queen Latifah performs “The Same Love That Made Me Laugh”

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Live, via satellite, Martha Stewart (Rachel Dratch) reports that she’s enjoying life in prison; she even has a cellmate named Kenyatta Williams (Queen Latifah), who adores her. Finesse Mitchell comments that he’s against young black mothers giving their babies weird names.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Seth Meyers) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.

Note: This cartoon parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Dangerfield TributeSummary: Rodney Dangerfield (Darrell Hammond) performs stand-up one last time at St. Peter’s (Horatio Sanz) request.

Recurring Characters: Rodney Dangerfield, St. Peter.

Note: Rodney Dangerfield hosted SNL on 03/08/80.

Transcript

Vote Or Die!Summary: Starkeesha (Finesse Mitchell) and her friends canvas votes in their neighborhood.

Recurring Characters: Starkeesha, Appreciante.

Queen Latifah performs “Hard Times”

Zinger vs. SnapSummary: Nuclear physicists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape (Queen Latifah) compete via verbal wordplay.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Dyson ToiletsSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.

Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

The Oak RoomSummary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Tom Brady.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites another friend (Queen Latifah) over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.

Starting OverSummary: Daytime talks show spoof.

RooftopSummary: Rooftop jumper (Fred Armisen) threatens to kill himself unless people start being nice to him; then he sings to thank them for their kindness.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Short and Curly



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2





04b: Queen Latifah

Short and Curly

Greg….Seth Meyers
Greg’s Friend….Will Forte
Naked Guy…..Chris Parnell
Color-treated guy….Fred Armisen
Impressed man….Rob Riggle
Black Guy….Finesse Mitchell

[Opens with gym’s bathroom. Two friends look in themirror after a shower, towels around their waist.]

Greg’s Friend: Hey, Greg! What’s up?

Greg: Nothing.[ A vain look on his face]

Greg’s Friend: You look…different.

Greg: Really?

Greg’s Friend: Yeah, did you lose weight?

Greg: Nope.

Greg’s Friend: Did you change your hair?

Greg: You could say that.

[Opens up his towel and his friend looks down on his crotch]

Greg’s Friend: Greg, your pubes look fantastic!

Greg: Tell me about it.

Greg’s Friend: How’d you do it?

Greg: Oh, I don’t know…

[Gives him a bottle of shampoo. Its called Short andCurly. Daily thickening. 2-1 shampoo and conditioner.For male pubic hair]

Greg’s Friend: Short and Curly. A pubic shampoo. Does it work?

Greg: Uh, you tell me.

[Greg stands completely naked. His genitals arepixeled. A group of friends gather around and take alook at his crotch. A naked guy joins them with histowel wrapped around his neck.]

Naked Guy: What’s up, bros? [Looks down at Greg’sgenitals] Holy crud, Greg! Your pubes look awesome.

Greg’s Friend: Check it out.

[Gives naked guy the shampoo bottle. Close up of thebottle blocks the pixeled genitals]

Naked Guy: Short and curly. Huh, I didn’t know theymade shampoo for pubic hair.

Greg: Yeah, it works for all kind of pubic hair.

Color-treated Guy: Even color-treated pubic hair?

[Animation sequence shows the pubic hair being washedwith the shampoo. Pubes bounce and shine more]

Announcer: Short and Curly is specifically formulated to repair the damage caused by brushing and blow drying so your short and curlies will be shorter, fuller, shinier, curlier with more body and extra sheen. And don’t forget about Short, Dark, Curly and Lovely.

[Bottle of S&C and SDCL]

Black Guy: But that, my friends, is strictly for the brothers.

[Black guy opens up his towel and shows his pixeledgenitals. The white dudes stare with open mouths,clearly impressed with the black guy’s penis size.]

Greg’s Friend: [stunned]You look….great.

Black Guy: That’s the special no-lie relaxer.

Greg: [lying to himself] Yeah, that’s what it is.

[Bottles of Shampoo]

Announcer: New Short and Curly and Short, Dark, Curly,and Lovely available at fine pubic salons everywhere.

Naked Guy: Short and Curly. I’m going to pick some upon my way home.[smiles]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Dangerfield Tribute



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2




04b: Queen Latifah

Dangerfield Tribute

St. Peter…..Horatio Sanz
Rodney Dangerfield…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter standing at the podium as Rodney Dangerfield attempts to walk past ]

St. Peter: Can I have your name?

[ Dangerfield stops in front of a microphone ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Rodney. Rodney Dangerfield, alright? I’ll tell ya’, what a cloud! What a cloud, okay?

St. Peter: Can you tell me, uh.. how was your childhood?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I tell ya’, I had a rough childhood, alright? When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot – but I always found ’em. I’ll tell ya’, I got no respect as a kid. I worked in a pet store; people kept asking how big I would get!

St. Peter: Did you have any pets?

Rodney Dangerfield: I had a dog. Apparently, his favorite bone was in my arm!

St. Peter: How was your luck with the ladies?

Rodney Dangerfield: I had no luck with women, alright? I went to my doctor; you know my doctor – Dr. Bid a Boom Ba. Yeah, I told him I think my wife has VD, he gave himself a penicillin shot!

St. Peter: Were you married?

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah, but I haven’t spoken to my wife in years – I didn’t want to interrupt her!

St. Peter: Was she a good cook?

Rodney Dangerfield: She can’t cook! She’s the worst cook in the world, alright? The other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!” Are you kidding? What a lousy cook! I mena, how can toast have bones?

St. Peter: Was your wife an intelligent woman?

Rodney Dangerfield: Are you kidding? My wife’s not smart, you know? She used to reach inside her bra to count to two.

St. Peter: Rodney, how was your sex life?

Rodney Dangerfield: I got no sex life! The only time my wife makes love to me, there’s always a reason for it! Now, one night she used me to time an egg. I’ll tell ya’, that’s the story of my life – I get no respect! I get no respect at all, alright? So, whattaya say, St. Peter, do I get in or what?

St. Peter: Of course, you do.

Rodney Dangerfield: Then, what’s with all the questions?

St. Peter: [ solemnly ] I just wanted to hear those jokes one more time.

Rodney Dangerfield: Finally! A little respect!

St. Peter: Come on in.

[ Dangerfield enters through the gates, angelic harmony rises ]

[ dissolve to stand-up image of Rodney Dangerfield with the inscription: “We’ll miss you. Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Excedrin



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2




04b: Queen Latifah

Excedrin

Linda…..Queen Latifah

Linda: Do I get stress headaches at work? Yes, definitely. From the moment I get in, it’s “Denise, we need this,” “Denise we need that.” Which is stressful, because my name is Linda. Denise is the other black woman that works here. By 10 a.m., someone in the copy room makes a joke about Kobe Bryant, and everyone looks at me to make sure it’s okay. And I smile like it’s okay, but, really, my head and neck are starting to throb. Then I spend the rest of the afternoon training my interns and answering their questions, like, “Yes, black people use shampoo,” and “No, I don’t know any good reggae clubs around here,” and “Yes, Condoleeza Rice is very articulate, why do you sound so surprised?” And, “No, I can’t tell you where to buy weed!”

[ holds up product ]

And that’s when I reach for.. Excedrin. New Excedrin for racial tension headaches. Excedrin R.T. works fast. Taking me from “Oh no you didn’t!” to “I wish the motherf—er would!”

Announcer: Excedrin. For racial tension headaches. Fast relief for hundreds of years of nagging pain.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2





04b: Queen Latifah

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…Tina Fey
…Amy Poehler
Martha Stewart…Rachel Dratch
Kenyatta Williams…Queen Latifah
…Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Tina Fey: Last night in St. Louis, President Bush and Senator Kerry squared off in the second of three presidential debates. This time, the candidates took questions directly from the audience, and then said whatever the hell they were going to say anyway.

Amy Poehler: After being criticized for sulking and grimacing from the first debate, last night, President Bush employed a much subtler way to express his distaste for some of Kerry’s comments: Morse code. (clip of Bush blinking rapidly)

Amy, voice-over: Beep, beep, beep beep! Carl Rowe, Carl Rowe, get me out of here!

Tina Fey: President bush did however show that if he loses the election he can always go back to being a law professor.

(clip from debate)

Bush: The Constitution Of the United States says we’re all–you know–it-it doesn’t say that.

(back to weekend update desk)

Tina Fey: In one of the strongest attacks of the night, John Kerry ridiculed the President’s Environmental Clear Skies Initiative.

(cut to clip of debate)

Kerry: The Clear Skies bill that he talked about, it’s just one of those Orwellian names you pull out of the sky, slap in on to something like No Child Left Behind, but you leave millions of children–

(cut back to Tina)

Tina Fey: No, no, no, John. You lost us at “Orwellian”.

Amy Poehler: Kerry further separated himself from the audience by later mentioning that he, President Bush, and Moderator Charlie Gibson were the only people in the room rich enough to benefit from a Bush tax cut, prompting this (photo of woman) woman to jump out of the audience and yell, “Bitch, you don’t know my Life!”And that concludes our Presidential Debate Roundup.

Tina Fey: When Martha Stewart reported to prison yesterday, she was subjected to an invasive strip search, that included a squat-and-cough (audience laughs) during which she laid two perfect blue speckled eggs.

Amy Poehler: And here now, live, via satellite from day two of her prison term, is Martha Stewart.

(applause)

Martha Stewart: (monotone voice) Hello Amy, How are you?

Amy Poehler: Uh, I’m fine Martha, how are you? What’s it like down there at Camp Cupcake?

Martha Stewart: Amy, I have to be honest. It. Is. Awesome. I’ve made more friends in the past twenty four hours in prison, than I did in all my life.

(Prisoner enters and peers at camera while smoking cigarette)

Amy Poehler: Martha, Martha, who is that behind you?

Martha Stewart: Oh, Amy, that’s my cell mate, Kenyatta Williams, who goes by the name “Death Giver.”

Amy Poehler: Did you get a prison name, Martha?

Martha Stewart: Yes, I have several.

Kenyatta: Yo, the girls call her Martha, but I call her Blair, portly because of the “Blair Witch Project” and portly because she all fancy, like Blair from Facts Of Life. (hugs her head)

Tina Fey: Martha, Martha, is that a teardrop tattoo on your face?

Martha Stewart: Yes, Tina, it is a teardrop tattoo. It’s a very funny story. I woke up this morning to find that it had been burned on to my skin overnight, thereby initiating me into the prison gang.

Amy Poehler: You know, Tina, I thought prison gang initiation required killing someone.

Martha Stewart: Yes. (audience laughter)

Kenyatta: Yeah, now ain’t nobody gonna stort with Martha, cross my hort!

(Kenyatta keeps on hugging her)

Martha Stewart: (chuckles) I haven’t had this much human contact since I was an infant.

Amy Poehler: Wow. Martha Stewart and Death Giver, everybody. We’ll see you in five months, Martha.

(applause)

Tina Fey: A CBS news poll of the vice presidential debate feels that 51% feel that John Edwards won, 28% felt that Dick Cheny won, and the remaining 21% feel that the black lady won. (graphic: Gwen Ifill)Jennifer Aniston and Helen Hunt have taped public service announcements urging single women to vote. In a Weekend Update exclusive, we have obtained scripts to these spots.

Amy Poehler: “Hi, I’m Jennifer Aniston.”

Tina Fey: “And I’m Academy Award-winner Helen Hunt.”

Amy Poehler: “And we are here to remind you single women to not leave to voting booth as empty as your womb.”

Tina Fey: “Even if you are currently alone, there is one box you can stuff– the ballot box.”

Amy Poehler: “So remember ladies: Vote or die – alone.” (putting down scripts) That went great.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: One of the topics discussed during the debate was Afghanistan’s first free election, which was held today. As expected, The winner by a landslide was chaos. Utter chaos.

Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. “I can’t wait to hear that!” said no one.

Tina Fey: Howard Stern announced Wednesday that when his contract is up in 15 months that he will join Sirius satellite radio in a deal reportedly worth a hundred million dollars. Now the question is: Will Americans pay $13 a month to hear a bunch of guys throw bologna at a stripper’s ass? (looks offstage) What’s that? Yes, they will.

Amy Poehler: The New York Times reported this week that citizens of Denmark have begun to challenge the country’s strict law on personal names. A law that allows the government to veto any name a parent chooses for their child. Here to comment, our own Finesse Mitchell.

Finesse Mitchell: Hey… how’s it goin’? Thank you, Amy, thank you. Citizens of Denmark, here me when I tell you: Do. Not. Change. That. Law. In fact, I think it’s time that our own government recognizes that some women need some serious help naming’ their babies here in the United States. Especially young black women. I’m speaking up for all the Laquayquay’s and Calamari’s of the world. Now don’t get me wrong, white women give their babies jacked up names too, like Romer, Frances-Bean and, Apple! But those are rich, famous people kids. they’ll never have no Kinko’s manager telling them Jermekalalisha isn’t gonna fit on a name tag, so they’re just gonna call her Jerky for short. That’s not gonna happen. Now, see the real problem is that I think that a lot of single black mothers will be mad at they baby’s daddy, and then take that out on the Child’s name. Like I know a girl named Mistakealina. And I dated a girl named Condombuster. I couldn’t even say her name in church! this stuff has to stop. Now, take my name. Now, Finesse was cute when I was four years old, but my career options were limited. It was either rapper or hairdresser. And it seems, the younger the mother, the more messed up the name! My mother had me when she was fifteen years old, and we never got along when we were growing up. I’ll tell you that. Every Saturday morning, we would fight over who got the remote control, she liked the Super friends; I liked The Smurfs. I remember sitting’ at the kitchen table with my homework, and she’s on the other side doin’ her homework; I couldn’t help her, she couldn’t help me, and neither of us could go outside until we were finished. I went to four high school proms, two were hers because she couldn’t find a baby sitter, two were mine. But that’s okay, because that’s at that last prom where my daughter was received. Hey, Promisha!

Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell, everyone!

Tina Fey: A man who had a heart attack while he was alone in his house was saved when his dog brought him the phone so he could call for help. However, it should be noted that for every one of these heartwarming stories there’s a million others where the dog just sits there like a moron and watches you die. (muttered) Dogs.

Amy Poehler: Stupid dogs.

On Thursday, more than 7,000 sites took place across the country in National Depression Screening Day, which screens the public for depression related illnesses. A spokesman for the group said, “I don’t know…uh.. turnout was okay, I mean I guess… just wasn’t as great as I thought…but, you know… it was a stupid idea anyway…so… I guess I’m just gonna go back to bed….”

Tina Fey: The newest trend among students at Brigham Young University are T-shirts that read, “I Can’t. I’m Mormon.” Which have been countered with T-shirts reading, “You Will. I’m Kobe.”

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Zim Ezumah

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Zinger vs. Snap



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2



04b: Queen Latifah

Zinger vs. Snap

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Myers
Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape…..Queen Latifah
Scientist 1 (Roz)…..Rachel Dratch

Head Scientist: Okay, everyone, listen up. We’ve got a code blue irrigation malfunction in reactor four. As of now, it has been contained, but we are risking a full-scale meltdown in the next five minutes if we don’t locate the leak.

Dave “Zinger” Clinger: Bad news, I couldn’t locate the leak, but I did locate the geek. You just got zinged. (Mimed shooting “zing” guns.) Zing!

Head Scientist: I think you all know Dr. Dave Clinger, otherwise know as Dr. Dave Zinger.

Zinger: Clinger’s my name and Zinging is my game. Seriously, though, let’s find some hazardous material. Speaking of which, if that cologne was any more toxic, all our kids are going to be born retarded. Huge zing! Can you hold that for me? (Mimes handing the head scientist a board, punches it karate-style and bows.) Zing!

Head Scientist: Please listen. If this radiation leak is not contained, everyone in a fifty-mile radius will experience their hair falling out, teeth falling out, skin blistering.

Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape: Let me see if I’ve got this right: hair falling out, teeth falling out, and skin blistering. Were you talking about the meltdown, or were you describing your girlfriend? Oh, snap!

Head Scientist: Allow me to introduce the final member of our team, Dr. Sheila Alsnape.

Snaps: My friends call me Sheila Al-snap on account of my snaps.

Zinger: Hello, Snaps.

Snaps: Hello, Zinger.

Head Scientist: Do you two know each other?

Zinger: Snaps and I went to school together – nuclear school. I finished at the top of the class. She finished on top of the class. (Mimes marching band with “zing” cymbals.)

Snaps: Yeah, yeah right. Good one, Zinger. Look, we should just get to work. Okay?

Head Scientist: My goodness, Zinger, you’re completely irradiated.

Snaps: Oh, hold on, false alarm. This was my virgin detector. (Mimes snapping a huge rubber band.) Aah, snap!

Zinger: What can I say, Snaps, you still got it. And by it, I mean hair on your butt. (Mimes guitar playing “Wild Zing.”)

Head Scientist: Yeah. We got it. Wild Zing.

Snaps: At least I got hair, Zinger. You’re so hairless Michael Jackson still invites you to sleepovers. Ooh, that one was so good I got to start my Snap Mobile! (Mimes a hard start of her snap mobile.)

Head Scientist: Doctors, please! The core reactor temperature is redlining. There isn’t time. That’s why I respectfully request that you hold a best three-out-of-five zing-slash-snap-off to determine a champion.

Zinger: He’s right. He’s right. We need to do something. If we don’t this radiation will spread faster than your thighs at a frat party. Zing pong anyone? (Zinger and Snaps mime playing pingpong.) Yeah! Game! Set! Match! Zing!

Snaps: Alright, look Zings, let’s just finish this fast. And from what I hear, nobody finishes faster than you. Aah! Mousetrap. (Miming setting a mouse trap) Cheese. Mouse, mouse, mouse. Aah, snap!

Scientist 1: Doctors I’m getting an alarmingly high Geiger reading of 120.

Head Scientist: Will you shut up, Roz! Can’t you see the zing-off is tied one-to-one!

Snaps: Hey Zinger, she’s getting a 120. Isn’t that what you got on your SAT’s? Oh, baby, it’s cold outside. Put on a coat. (Mimes putting a coat on Zinger and then snapping it.)

Zinger: SATs, hunh, well the only SAT’s I know about, listen to this one, Roz, you’re going to like it. The only SATs I know about is when your mama S-A-T on my F-A-C-E.

Snaps: (Punches Zinger in the face.) Don’t you ever talk about my mama.

Zinger: That was not cool on my part! I was way out of line! I am sorry! I am sorry! But to be fair, we were just joking around.

Head Scientist: Okay everybody, cool out. Now we’ll get to the meltdown in a minute. But first, I need to know where you two stand.

Zinger: Are we cool?

Snaps: Yeah, we’re cool.

Zinger: Alright, so we can call it a tie?

Snaps: Yeah, it’s a tie. Your face is exactly as ugly as your ass!

Zinger: No!

Snaps: Aah snap!

Zinger: No! That is not fair! I should have done something!

Submitted by: Greg Kyte

SNL Transcripts