Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

An SNL Digital Short

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg, Natalie Portman

…..Chris Parnell
…..Natalie Portman
…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Myers

[Scene opens to Natalie Portman being interviewed by Chris Parnell]

Chris Parnell: I’m here with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Chris Parnell: So Natalie, what is a day in the life of Natalie Portman like?

Natalie Portman: Do you really want to know?

Chris Parnell: Please, tell us.

[Cut to black and white scene, Natalie rapping]

Natalie Portman:
I don’t sleep mother fucker; off that ‘Gnac and that Bourbon
Doin’ 120, gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

[Cut to Seth Myers talking to Natalie]

Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick

[Switch back to Natalie rapping]

Natalie Portman:
Yo. Shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I’m bustin’ dudes mouths like gushers mother fucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit out Jeff Zucker

What you want Natalie?
To drink and fight
What you need Natalie?
To fuck all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat till your shittin’ my shoe
Leave you screamin’, pay for my dry cleanin’
Fuck her man it’s my name that he’s screamin’

[Cut to Seth getting slapped in the face by Natalie, scene switches back to Chris interviewing Natalie]

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, are we supposed to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?

Natalie Portman: I never said I was a role model.

Chris Parnell: But what about the kids that look up to you, do you have a message for them?

[Cut to a little girl dressed as Queen Amidala asking for an autograph, Natalie grabs girls notebook and throws it away]

Natalie Portman:
All that kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It’s Portman mother fucker, I drink till I’m sick

[Natalie breaks bottle on her own head]

Slit your throat, and pump nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry, while I laugh you die

And all the dudes, you know I’m talkin’ to you

[Scene cuts to a group of guys]

Guys: WE LOVE YOU NATALIE!

Natalie Portman:
I wanna’ fuck you too
‘P’ is for Portman
‘P’ is for pussy
I’ll kill your fuckin’ dog for fun, so don’t push me

[Switches back to interview]

Chris Parnell: Wow, Natalie I’m surprised all of this from a Harvard graduate.

Natalie Portman: Well, there’s a lot you may not know about me.

Chris Parnell: Really, such as?

[Cuts to Natalie rapping in a cap and gown]

Natalie Portman:
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test
And snorted all the Yay
I got a def posse
You got a bunch of dudes
I’ll sit right there on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Natalie, Andy Samberg enters scene dressed as a Viking]

Andy Samberg:
Natalie you are a badass bitch (Hell Yeah!)
And I always pay for your dry cleanin’
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!?)
As for the drug use
Well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, helllp

[Again scene goes back to Chris interviewing Natalie]

Chris Parnell: Okie-dok, Natalie one final question. If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it b—

[Natalie takes her chair and throws it at Chris]

Natalie Portman: No more questions.

[Natalie walks away]

WHAT!

[fade]

Submitted by: Amy Soto

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 11th, 2006

Matt Dillon

Arctic Monkeys

None

Paula Pell
Spring BreakSummary: A group of college girls on their way to Spring Break in Cancun gab about the activities they will soon partake of.

Transcript

MontageNote: When it comes time to announce Arctic Monkeys, Don Pardo completely blanks out.

Matt Dillon’s MonologueSummary: Though Matt Dillon didn’t win the Academy Award, he indulges in reading his unused, hate-filled acceptance speech to the audience.

Bio: Matt Dillon (1964-). Actor; 1980’s teen idol, who starred in films like “The Outsiders” (1983) and “The Flamingo Kid” (1984); nominated for Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of a racist cop in “Crash” (2005).

Transcript

prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week’s episode.

Transcript

SportscenterSummary: Barry Bonds (Kenan Thompson) denies steroid use in the midst of scandal.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Doppelganger”, cast members Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg and Will Forte scan the park for their dopplegangers while eating lunch outdoors.

Transcript

Two A-holes at a Travel AgencySummary: The two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) can’t make up their minds where they want to take a trip to.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

How To Order Sushi Like A CEOSummary: CEO (Matt Dillon) knows the exact jargon involved in order sushi like a professional, but doesn’t seem to be enjoying his lunch.

Transcript

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: Repeat from 11/12/05.

Joplin: Alive PodcastSummary: Hosting a podcast from a booth at Bennigan’s, Brendan Kern (Jason Sudeikis) and Lane Singleton (Bill Hader) flirt with waitress (Kristin Wiig) and interview Julian (Andy Samberg), a childhood friend who picks up girls while using a fake French accent.

Note: Although Bill Hader’s character is introduced as Lane, for some reason everyone refers to him as Eric throughout the duration of the sketch.

Note: Matt Dillon played Andy Samberg’s role in dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Arctic Monkeys perform “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor”Bio: Indie rock band; won “Best New Act” at the 2006 Brit Awards; members: Alex Turner (lead vocalist, guitar), Jamie “Cookie” Cook (rhythm guitarist), Andy Nicholson (bass guitar) and Matthew “The Cat” Helders (drummer).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Dubai spokesman Farhad Nsar (Horatio Sanz) drops pop culture references while commenting on President Bush’s reneged U.S. ports proposal. Mideast expert Will Forte sings an informative jingle that helps differentiate Shai, Sunnis and Kurds.

TV Land Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1961 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Don Knotts (Darrell Hammond), Katharine Hepburn (Kristin Wiig) and Rod Serling (Matt Dillon) breaking the fourth wall.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Katharine Hepburn, Rod Serling.

Transcript

Inner Harmony Relaxation TapeSummary: Frank (Matt Dillon) keeps improvising and speaking loudly while recording his part of the voiceover for a relaxation tape.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Yet more personal injury hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Nettie Bo Dance, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Arctic Monkeys perform “A Certain Romance”

DeCicco Brothers UnicornerySummary: The DeCicco Brothers (Matt Dillon, Bill Hader) sell unicorns in all shapes and sizes to meet every unusual consumer need.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Brain EatersSummary: Members of a space crew discuss ideas to prevent aliens from eating their brains.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

McNuggetsSummary: A woman (Rachel Dratch) sings the joys of McDonald’s McNuggets.

Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) interrupts a women’s book club meeting.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Travel Agent…..Matt Dillon
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like a tropical postcard with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency.”

[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]

Travel Agent: Hi, come on in. What can I help you folks with today? Have a seat.

[The two sit down.]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna take a trip. [chews gum] What kind you got?

Travel Agent: Well, we have all sorts of travel packages, do you know where you want to go?

Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: [chewing gum] I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Travel Agent: Okay, well, I can help you with that. Would you like to go someplace warm?

Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: ‘Bout what?

Male A-Hole: The warmth.

Female A-Hole: The WHAT?

Male A-Hole: Warmth.

Female A-Hole: Can I have a diet ginger ale?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take a lemonade.

Travel Agent: Uh, we don’t serve drinks here. We do have water.

Male A-Hole: You want water, babe?

Female A-Hole: I hate water.

Male A-Hole: [jerks thumb at her] She hates water.

Travel Agent: Well, I guess a, uh, cruise is out of the question, then, huh?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we don’t get it.

[laughter] Female A-Hole: Should he be showing us pictures or something?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys got brochures?

Travel Agent: Of course. [pulls brochures out of desk drawer] Here are a few of our, uh, popular destinations, all very beautiful. Are you, uh, familiar at all with the Yucatan?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that place. Y’know that place, babe?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: Know Yucatan?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: You hear about that one–you heard ’bout that place, right, babe?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: Babe, Yucatan?

Female A-Hole: [glares at him] Yah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know it.

Travel Agent: Great, would you like me to pull up some more information for you?

Male A-Hole: I dunno. You wanna go there, babe?

Female A-Hole: Where’s your ATM?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s gotta check her balance.

Travel Agent: Uh, look, folks, we don’t have one of those here. There is a Seven-Eleven across the street.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. Wanna go over there, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Europe.

Male A-Hole: [with a touch of sarcasm] You guys know where Europe is?

[laughter]

Travel Agent: [carefully controls temper] Yes, we know where Europe is. Did you have someplace specific that you wanted to go, someplace specific in mind?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna drive there.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna do that.

Travel Agent: You can’t drive to Europe.

Female A-Hole: I can if I drive a BOAT.

Travel Agent: So you want to rent a boat and drive it to Europe.

Female A-Hole: What STREET are we on?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?

Travel Agent: Look, why don’t you two think about this some more, and when you narrow it down to a few places, come back. Okay?

Female A-Hole: I know where I wanna go.

Male A-Hole: All right, we got it, buddy. Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: England.

Travel Agent: Okay, England’s great, it’s a big place. There’s, uh, London. Brighton’s very nice. Did you have someplace in mind?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Hogwarts.

[laughter]

Travel Agent: You mean from the Harry Potter books?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. You guys got trips on magic school?

Travel Agent: Sir… that’s not a real place.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. All right. They don’t go to there, babe. Probably gotta go online for that, right, somethin’ like Orbitz or somethin’?

Travel Agent: NO, it’s a fictional place. You cannot GO there.

Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, gotta wait till summer, the wizards are outta school, right?

Travel Agent: No, never. It’s impossible. You can never go to Hogwarts; it doesn’t exist.

Male A-Hole: It’s invisible, right.

Travel Agent: Look, you obviously don’t know where it is that you want to go, so why don’t you go home, and think it over, and come back when you’ve made up your minds.

Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.

Travel Agent: Where?

Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.

[She points to the wall behind the travel agent. CUT to a framed poster of an airliner in flight.]

Travel Agent: Ma’am, that’s a poster of an airplane.

Female A-Hole: I know. I wanna go there.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna go there. How much?

Travel Agent: [pounds desktop] Get out. [points to door] Get the hell out of here.

Male A-Hole: They’re closin’, babe.

Female A-Hole: [to travel agent] Can you rub my shoulders? I slept weird.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys do backrubs here?

Travel Agent: LEAVE!

Female A-Hole: Maybe a grilled cheese.

Travel Agent: Fine, you know what, I’m gonna go in the back, and I’m gonna get some coffee. When I come back, you two better be gone.

[He stomps out the back and slams the door behind him.]

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

[He props up his feet on the desk. ZOOM out over applause, then FADE ]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Spring Break

Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Tasha…..Amy Poehler
Kiki…..Rachel Dratch
Becca…..Kristin Wiig
Attendant…..Finesse Mitchell
Dad…..Chris Parnell
Mom…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, Akron-Canton Airport ]

[ dissolve to interior, Jessica seated in the passenger boarding area next to a pair of adults nonchalantly reading from a newspaper and a magazine ]

[ Tasha enters scene holding a travel guide, sits next to Jessica ]

Tasha: Oh, my God! It’s gonna be the best Spring Break ever!

Jessica: I know!

Tasha: Listen, check this out: [ reads from travel guide ] “Upon arrival, ask the van driver for your Cancun Madness Party Pack, and drink free for the first fifty hours!”

Jessica: That is so rad!

[ Becca and Kiki stroll into the area with their bags ]

Kiki: Oh, my God! Jessica?

Jessica: Kiki?

Kiki: Tasha?

Becca: Becca?

Kiki: Misty?

Becca: Wait. That’s one too many names.

Kiki: Oh. Sorry. I’m a little drunk already!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: where are you guys breaking at this year?

Tasha: Oh, we always go to Cancun for Spring Break, because you can get a hotel room for, like, $3.

Jessica: Yeah. and everyone there is so friendly, you can just get in a random car and they’ll give you a ride! It doesn’t even have to be a cab.

Becca: That’s cool! I’m meeting a guy I met on MySpace in Amsterdam, ’cause I thought it would be fun to try group sex and hash in the same week!

Kiki: [ holding a bottle of alcohol ] I’m going to Chechyna, because the drinking age there is nine!

[ they high-five one another ]

Jessica: What’s in all the bags?

Kiki: Oh. Um – all my Spring Break necessi-ta-tas! This one has cash, my Dr. Suess hat, and my poncho in case I fall asleep on the street. [ pulls up smaller, pastel-colored bag ] and this little one is because I like to bring my own roofies!

All: Ohhh!! Girl Power!!

Becca: I brought a Luna bar, ’cause I swore I would eat something this year!

Kiki: Oh, I wish I thought of that.

Becca: I’ll split it with you!

Kiki: Okay!

Jessica: Last year, I got so sunburned they had to cut my bikini off for the Hot Boobs contest.

Tasha: Last year, when I got back to school, I found a ten-dollar bill in my butt.

Kiki: Hey – what’s your major again?

Tasha: Women’s Studies, with a concentration in Feminist Literature!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: I hope they have a rum shower! Last year, in the Grill, they had giant shower heads on the beach that shot rum in your mouth – it was awesome!

Jessica: Last year, my friend went to this little island off the coast of Haiti, and the place had an all-you-can-suck beer hose!

Kiki: Did she like it?

Jessica: I don’t know. They can’t find her!

[ they high-five one another ]

Tasha: You guys, I just hope I don’t end up in “Girls Gone Wild” this year.

Jessica: [ chuckles ] I hope I do!

Tasha: [ chuckles ] You’re right, I’m totally lying – I hope I do, too!

[ the two of them smile, then rub tongues together ]

[ Employee steps into the back of the passenger boarding area to address the passengers over the loudspeaker ]

Employee: ATD Airlines, Flight 59 to Cancun, now boarding.

[ the four girls and the two adults stand up ]

Jessica: Alright – bye, Dad; bye, Mom! Thanks for driving us! [ hugs the man who was quietly sitting next to her ]

Dad: Yeah. Have a great time. And, remember, young lady —

Jessica: [ disgusted ] Dad. I know.

[ everyone squeezes together and yells at the camera: ]

All: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Goodnights

…..Matt Dillon

Matt Dillon: Thanks to Arctic Monkeys, and, everybody, this has been a great night. Thanks to “Saturday Night Live”, Lorne Michaels – a fantastic job.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Joplin: Alive Podcast

Brendan Kern…..Jason Sudeikis
Lane Singleton…..Bill Hader
Janet Gertner, waitress…..Kristin Wiig
Julian…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]

Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?

Lane: (leans toward microphone) I’m doin’ pretty bad-ass.

Brendon: All right. Uh, we got a heckuva show–

Lane: Am I your oldest friend?

Brendon: Yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.

Lane: Man, I always thought you were talkin’ ’bout age, but you’re talking about duration.

Brendon: Yeah.

Lane: That puts a whole new spin on our friendship.

Brendon: Yeah, I guess it does.

Lane: Whoo.

Brendon: Hey, Lane, why don’t you play goose on this one and let everyone know where our coordinates are?

Lane: Tonight we’re coming to you from a back booth inside a Bennigan’s.

Brendon: Yeah, that’s right, that’s off of I-69 and Heathridge Boulevard.

Lane: I love the hell out of this place.

Brendon: Yeah, you do.

[They both chuckle goofily as a waitress, named Janet Gertner, sets a plate on the table.]

Janet: [in a soft Southern twang] You had the chicken ranch potato skins?

Brendon: That’d be me. Our server tonight is an old friend from high school.

Lane: And the, uh, girl who broke Brendon’s heart, Janet Gertner.

Brendon: [mildly] Hey, shut up, dude.

Lane: It’s already out there, man.

Janet: Eric, did you have the southwest egg rolls?

Lane: Yeah, I did. They come in that sweet pineapple pepper cream sauce.

Brendon: You love that stuff.

Lane: Jeezy creezy, I’d eat my own HAND if it was covered in that sauce.

Brendon: Hey, uh, so, Janet, what are your plans after work, huh?

Janet: I dunno. I’ll probably go to the karaoke at the Holiday Inn.

Brendon: Oh, yeah? Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe we can sing a duet, huh?

Janet: Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my boyfriend’s gonna be there.

Brendon: Oh, yeah, I see. He back from Iraq?

Janet: Yeah, and he’s deaf in one ear now, so I should really stay with him.

Brendon: Yeah, I gotta respect that. I, uhhh…

[A man walks directly between the camera and their table.]

Brendon: Excuse me, sir. I… [laughs nervously] Uh, y’know…

Janet: Yeah.

Brendon: Oh, well.

Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.

[laughter]

Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]

Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.

Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.

Brendon: Oh, Gawd.

Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.

Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.

Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

[laughter]

Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…

[A couple walks in front of them.]

Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!

Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.

Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian!

[Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]

Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.

Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.

Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.

Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.

Brendon: No, none taken.

Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.

[laughter]

Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.

Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.

Julian: I also like WINE.

Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–

[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]

Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?

Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?

Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.

Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.

Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?

Julian: What do you mean?

Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.

[laughter]

Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.

Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.

Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.

Brendon: I remember that.

Julian: It’s not for everyone.

Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?

Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?

Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.

Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–

Janet: Okay! [exits]

Julian: And, voila.

Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]

Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?

Brendon: What’s that?

Lane: You brought that on yourself.

Brendon: That’s not encouraging.

Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.

Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…

[theme song starts up]

Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]

Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!

Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.

[SUPERIMPOSE “JOPLIN: ALIVE podcast.”]

Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night!

[CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Monday Morning Assembly

Peter Halpern…..Chris Parnell
Louise LaLaire…..Amy Poehler
Jonathan Pelt Madison…..Dane Cook
Kip Christopher…..Seth Meyers
Rufus Smalls…..Kenan Thompson
Grace Chung…..Rachel Dratch
“Mrs. Lembo”…..Kiristen Wiig
Smovement Dancer…..Will Forte
Smovement Dancer…..Bill Heder
Smovement Dancer…..Andy Samberg
Smovement Dancer…..Finesse Mitchell
Anton Regal…..Fred Armisen

[open on exterior of school with sign: “West Bedford High School”]

[dissolve to interior auditorium]

Peter: Good morning, students of West Bedford High School. Welcome to Monday morning assembly. I am, of course, Peter Halpern, the head of the drama department. I would like to thank Principal Haley for asking the drama club to read the morning announcements. But as this is the drama club, we do not read the morning announcements. We perform them! So, without further ado, let me introduce seniors Louise LaLaire, Jonathan Pelt Madison, and Kip Chrisopher.

[Louise, Jonathan, and Kip enter stage left]

Louise: There’s a lot going on at West Bedford this week, so open your ears.

Jonathan: And your minds.

Kip: First announcement.

[the lights go down, and the students position three chairs to face each other before sitting]

[Kip gulps down a beer while the others mime eating]

Kip: When are you going to do something with your life?

Jonathan: Leave me alone, Dad! You’re drunk!

Louise: Don’t yell at your father.

[Louise stands and goes behind Kip while Jonathan stands opposite them]

Jonathan: You don’t think that I miss Tommy? He was my only brother!

Louise: Let’s not fight at Christmas. [she stands between them]

Kip: I wish you were the son that had fallen off that raft!

Jonathan: What do I have to do to make you proud?! [puts his hands to Kip’s chest, plaintively]

Kip: Be a man and go to the [faces audience] job fair in the library this Tuesday to Thursday, periods E to G.

[all three bow]

Jonathan: Thank you. That was called “Job Fair,” a one-act about the upcoming job fair.

Louise: Now, with this week’s cafeteria menu, Rufus Smalls and Grace Chung.

[dissolve to stage right, where Rufus stands in a jacket while Grace is seated with a cello]

[Grace plays throughout]

Rufus: For beautiful, for spacious skies. / For government lies and pecan pies. / For tater tots and salisbury steak. / For lunch in the United States of Fake. / George Bush preaches empty speeches. / Peaches. / Chicken McNuggets, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. / And also green salad, / diced pears, / applesauce, / and individuals pizzas. / One love. [peace sign]

[dissolve to center stage with Louise with a spotlight on her face, and Jonathan and Kip facing away]

Louise: They picked a cheerleading squad. Where is my name? Why can’t I find my name?! [holds her hands up beside her face]

[Jonathan and Kip turn forwards and are holding grotesque masks to their faces]

Jonathan and Kip: Your name isn’t there!

Louise: No! [pulls her hands down to her neck]

Jonathan and Kip: You are not worthy of the squad!

Louise: Stop it! [crosses her wrists in front of her]

Jonathan and Kip: We cast you out!

Louise: Nooooo!!!!! [extends her hands before her, as if to hold something away]

Jonathan and Kip: Congratulations to Becky Abbot.

Louise: Oh! [clutches head]

Jonathan and Kip: Stacy Daniels.

Louise: Oh! [clutches other side of head]

Jonathan and Kip: Maureen Hearst!

Louise: Why?! [clutches at neck]

[lights come up]

Louise: Thank you. [all three bow] That was “Exclusion,” a meditation on the cheerleading tryouts in the style of Euripides.

Jonathan: Many of you know that Mrs. Lembo recently broke her hip falling on the third floor hallway. If you want to send flowers, she’s at Mercy Hospital

Kip: And if you want to see a reenactment of her fall, look no further than West Bedford’s own interpretive dance team, Smovement.

[dissolve to stage right, with four dancing forming two rows on either side of a performer portraying Mrs. Lembo]

“Mrs Lembo”: What a perfect day. Two healthy hips. [she steps between the rows of dancers, and piano music starts in a minor key] Oh, no! [she wavers to the left and then the right, twice] Why are these hallways so slippery? [the dancers wave their arms in front of her] Can’t keep my footing. [pirouettes and falls backwards into the dancers’ arms] No! I’m falling! [the dancers lift her straight up and then moan as they lower her to the ground] Anything but my hip!

Smovement Dancers: And CRACK!!!

[“Mrs. Lembo” wrenches her body as a red light shines on the group]

[the dancers leave “Mrs. Lembo” alone on the stage]

“Mrs Lembo”: Mrs. Edwards will be covering my classes.

[dissolve to center stage, dark, with Louise and Jonathan who is wearing a crown]

[Kip appears behind them, dressed as a court jester]

Kip: Your Majesty, you would applaud with rosy-cheeked countenance while so many go hungry?

Jonathan: Do not be coy, sir. You speak to the King.

Kip: The holiday season dawns and peasants starve, yet you sit in your palace throne and laugh.

Jonathan: And what is your solution?

Kip: Participate in the West Bedford holiday can drive.

Louise: What?! [The lights come up and all three bow] Thank you. That was “Can Drive.” Don’t forget to bring in your cans, everybody.

Jonathan: And now, three time winner of the West Bedford one-man show award, Anton Regal performs “Gossip.”

Anton: [puts his hand to his mouth, as if to amplify it] “Hey, did you hear the new gossip?!” [lowers his hand] Everyone was talking about Kelly and Matt, West Bedford’s golden couple. [hand to mouth] “Did you hear about Kelly and Matt?” “What?” [lowers hand] “Don’t tell me you didn’t hear!” You see, they were our Brad and Jennifer. “They broke up!” “No!” “I don’t believe it!” They represented our youth, our idea of perfection. [scoffs] What do we know. We’re just kids. “Hey, did you hear? They got back together!” “All right!” You know, when I heard that, I smiled to myself. I was going to get to be a kid again. At least for another day. [turns and walks away]

[dissolve to stage right, with Kip and the shot moving to center stage as the lights come up]

Kip: Thank you, everyone! Thank you! Come on out, everybody!

[all other performers come to the stage]

Louise: This has been Monday morning announcements, everyone. [catches roses that are thrown from the audience] Oh, thank you!

Jonathan: And don’t forget, the “Vagina Monologues” auditions are open to men and women.

[performers bow]

[fade to black]

Submtited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James BluntRae

James Blunt performs “You’re Beautiful”

…..Dane Cook
…..James Blunt

Dane Cook: Ladies and gentlemen — James Blunt.

James Blunt: [ singing ]
“My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel
Of that, I’m sure
She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
But I won’t lose no sleep on that
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause Ill never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye
As I walked on by
She could see from my face that I was
[flying] high
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again
But we shared a moment that
will last till the end.

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause Ill never be with you.

La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la, Laaah.

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristin Wiig
Trainee…..Dane Cook
Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Customer #2…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m just finishing up some shopping, so I’ll see you at home. OK? Bye.

Target Clerk: We’re sorry we smelled your candle.

Trainee: I’m not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.

Customer #1: Oh, well that candle’s a gift for my mom.

Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?

Customer #1: Oh that’s OK.

Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.

[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]

Target Clerk: We’ve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, it’s a whole other candle.

Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That one’s just fine.

Target Clerk: They’re real marvelous. I’m gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.

Trainee: I don’t have a Target discount card yet because I’m still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.

[ makes ripping motions with hands ]

Target Clerk: There’s one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom it’s like a nutmeg.

Trainee: I don’t know why I don’t have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before it’s gone.

Customer #1: Again, I’m really OK with what I’ve got here.

Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?

Customer #1: Yeah, it’s a…

Target Clerk: It’s 99 cents! Do we have more of these?

Customer #1: Oh, yeah, they’re right over there…

[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]

Customer #1: Where is that woman going? Great… Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause I’m kind-of in a hurry.

Trainee: I wish that I could, but I’m still in training. So we’re probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.

[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]

Target Clerk: Eureka! I’m gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!

[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customer’s secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]

Customer #1: OK…

Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!

Trainee: You did it!

[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]

Customer #2: How’s it going?

Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, you’d have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?

Customer #2: Yeah, there’s tons of them, if you… Hey… Where’s she going?

Trainee: Oh, don’t worry. She’s fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?

[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]

Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, it’s for my daughter. It’s a training bra.

Trainee: Oh, hey! I’m in training here, too. Is she here?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Is she in the car?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?

Customer #2: No!

Trainee: I just think that it’s weird that we’re both in training, her and I.

[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]

Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]

Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.

Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.

Target Clerk: Well… $32.12. Cash!

Trainee: Yes!

[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]

Target Clerk: If you’re looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? There’s a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!

Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!

Customer #2: No thanks. I’m good!

Target Clerk: But there’s another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little balls…

[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Travis Drum

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http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Tree Re-Lighting Special

Al Roker…..Kenan Thompson
Megan Mullally…..Kristin Wiig
Harry Connick, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Singers…..rest of cast

(open on Al Roker, Megan Mullally and Harry Connick, Jr. standing in front of a Rockefeller Center backdrop)

Al Roker: Welcome back! It’s a great night out here in Rockefeller Center again. Isn’t it, Harry?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Sure is, Al. And it was great out here last Wednesday, when we lit the tree for the first time.

Megan Mullally: Ya know, tonight, just for fun, we’re gonna turn it off. And then we’re gonna light that sucker right back up again! Hahahaha! It’s either this or four “Earls” in a row.

Harry Connick, Jr.: I tell you, this is my favorite place to be at Christmas time.

Al Roker: You mean “Holiday-Time,” don’t you Harry?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Oops. That’s right. Merry Holiday everybody! Ya know, some people enjoy Christmas songs, Hanukah songs, or even Kwanzaa songs. But everyone can enjoy a holiday song.

Al Roker: So in the spirit of diversity and fear, please welcome the NBC Peacock Singers with and all-inclusive Holiday medley for everyone.

(To SINGERS. Lyrics appear at the bottom of the screen)

Singers: (To the tune of “Silent Night”)
“Silent night,
Regular night
All is calm,
All is bright.
Round the fire
Mother and child
Random infant
Religiously neutral
Sleep in comfortable beds
Sleep in comfortable beds.”

Horatio Sanz: (To the tune of “Away in a Manger”)
“Away in a barn box
No bib for their lunch
The donkey and camel
On straw they will munch.”

Will Forte: (falsetto)
“The stars in the sky
Shine down ‘cuz it’s night
The lamb and that donkey just got in a fight.”

Megan Mullally: (To the tune of “O Holy Night”)
“Oh, Tuesday night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
To watch TV and play cards.”

Harry Connick, Jr.:
“Fall on your knees
And do a jigsaw puzzle
Just stay inside
Just stay inside
Tonight
It’s half-past nine.”

Megan Mullally:
“Just stay inside.”

Harry Connick, Jr. & Megan Mullally:
“Feelin’…..fine.”

Megan Mullally: Fine, yeah. Now to narrate the story of the birth of the Holiday, please welcome Mr. Donald Trump.

(To TRUMP in front of Rockefeller Center backdrop)

Donald Trump: Thank you Will and Grace. This place is really snazzed up. I gotta say, of the non-Trump buildings in New York, this property has a whole lotta flash, and it really screams out “Merry Christmas.” (Looking offstage) What? I can‘t say Christmas? Who made that rule? Well what about Chanukaha? (Pronounces it “Cha-nook-a-huh”) I can’t say that? What about Kwanzoo? That’s just great. Alright, Let’s crank this thing out. There were shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. Then a civil representative of the town came up to them and said “Here’s the thing-a baby had been born to a lady of undeterminate ethnicity and/or religious affiliation. You’ll find he or she is wrapped in clothes, looking really classy, and lying in a barn box.” What the hell is a barn box? Y’know what? The end. Fa-la-fa-la. Fa-la-la-la. The Apprentice (Grins)

(Back to AL/MEGAN/HARRY and SINGERS)

Al Roker, Megan Mullally, Harry Connick, Jr.: Happy Holiday everybody!

All:
“How ya doin?
How ya doin?
How ya doin?
I’m doin just fine!”

(spoken) “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Jana

SNL Transcripts