Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 4th, 2006

Natalie Portman

Fall Out Boy

None

Dennis Haysbert
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) addresses the public on issues of secret White House activity and Vice-President Dick Cheney’s (Darrell Hammond) hunting accident.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Natalie Portman’s MonologueSummary: Natalie Portman tackles questions raised by “Star Wars” nerds in the audience.

Note: Portman’s microphone.

Bio: Natalie Portman (1981-). Jerusalem-born actress; best known for her role as Queen Amidala in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy; had to shave her head for key scenes in the upcoming film “V For Vendetta” (2006).

Transcript

Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.

Note: Repeat from: 05k/a>.

Jamba JuiceSummary: The overpsyched Jamba Juice employees (Natalie Portman, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz), who have ingested excessive amounts of their own high-energy protein drinks, can’t stop themselves from offering free boost supplements to their customers.

Note: Seth Meyers and Horatio Sanz have to stifle their laughter towards the end of the sketch.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews a group of transgendered people who are in the middle of their sex change procedures.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Felicity Huffman.

Transcript

The NeedlersSummary: Argumentive Dan (Seth Meyers) and Sally Needler (Amy Poehler) seek help from a fertility doctor (Natalie Portman) so they can have a baby rather than examine the issue of their troubled marriage.

Recurring Characters: Dan Needler, Sally Needler.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Celebrating a belated Black History moment, actor Dennis Haysbert shows clips from all-black kids’ cartoons that failed to make an impact during the 1990’s.

Bio: Dennis Haysbert (1954-). Actor; portrayed President David Palmer on “24”, 2002-06; currently stars as Sergeant Major Jonas Blane on “The Unit”; official spokesman for Allstate Insurance.

Transcript

Artsy ApartmentSummary: Nuni (Natalie Portman) brings her college boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) home to meet her parents, Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.

Transcript

Fall Out Boy performs “Dance Dance”Bio: American emo/pop punk band; name taken from a lesser known character on “The Simpsons” — Fallout Boy, the sidekick of 50’s superhero Radioactive Man — at the suggestion of an audience member of one of their earliest performances; members: Patrick Stump (lead singer, guitar), Pete Wentz (bass), Joe Trohman (guitar) and Andy Hurley (drums).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) disguises himself as Martha Stewart in order to pump his own ego over their “Apprentice” feud. Olympic contender Sasha Cohen (Natalie Portman) attempts to tell a couple of jokes. Kenan Thompson introduces a new line of clothing that targets black men in drag, ball pouch and all.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Sheldon’s Bar MitzvahSummary: Now a man, Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) watches his short-term ex-girlfriend (Natalie Portman) make out with his friend (Andy Samberg), while Megan (Maya Rudolph) dreams of being Mrs. Adam Levine.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Between an interview with Chris Parnell, Natalie Portman raps about her real identity.

Transcript

Fall Out Boy performs “Sugar, We’re Going Down”

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Note: Repeat from: 05d.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The CollectorsSummary: Collectors (Fred Armisen, Horatio Sanz) are unable to make money because they can’t speak English.

Broadway Lights DinerSummary: Restaurant wait staff sings Broadway tunes for diners, then begin slipping all over the freshly-mopped floor.

Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Natalie Portman) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.

Note: This sketch makes it to air next month in an episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.

Note: This will make it to air in next week’s episode.

Star Wars Acting ClassSummary: In “Star Wars” acting class, Natalie Portman learns how to make funny character noises.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers ] As you may know, I have just returned from a long – and successful – trip to India and Pakistan. I also made a surprise visit to Afghanistan – which no one knew about – until I did it. Of course, I knew about the surprise the whole time – but I never let on. I got in and out before most of the Afghans even knew I was there. Which is unfortunate, because I’m sure if most of them knew I was there, they’d would have wanted to thank me for fixing their country. You’re welcome!

From Afghanistan, I traveled to India, to discuss a major historic nu-cu-lar agreement with the Indians. And, from there, on to Pakistan, where it is widely believed Osama bin Laden is hiding. I had things to discuss with my good friend, Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf. But I also wanted Osama to know something: I’m ready. Any time. Your turf.. or mine. I’ll be waiting.. Texas style!

But I’m here tonight to talk about what’s happening at home, you know? There seems to be a trend out there to find fault with this administration. You know? Myself, in particular, for just about everything, you know? It’s, uh – it’s just not fair. With Katrina, I already admitted I messed that one up! Yuo know? We all know, in the days after the hurricane, I said I wasn’t warned about how bad the hurricane might be, and.. now there’s a tape showing you that I was warned! Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, he warned me. You’ll see it if you watch it. But.. do you also remember when I said, “Brownie, you’re doing a heckuva job!” Everyone had a good laugh at that, but it turns out Brownie was doing a heckuva job! And he did warn me! You know? So, who’s got the last laugh now, huh? The main thing to remember here is: it’s been six months, and there hasn’t been another hurrircane! The hurricanes are on the run.

Now, the security of our nation’s ports. This is an important issue, you know? And I think you should know there’s a good reason we were willing to grant control of so many ports to a company in Dubai, which may or may not have ties to terrorist organizations. It’s, uh.. it’s simple, you know? They outbid the North Koreans.

Now, uh, what about our trade deficit? [ pouts ] I’m getting blamed for this one, too! Huh? Aparently, it’s the worst in history. You know, we’re roughly $7 billion in debt. Uh, but don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. I’ve decided to consolidate all of our debt with one of those debt consolidaton companies. That’s right. We’re gonna go with Ditech. Like me, you’ve probably seen their commercials late at night on ESPN-2. You know, the ones with the guy who says, “Lost another loan to Ditech!” It’s a funny commercial!

My point is this: we’re solving problems, not making them! You know? And don’t even try to blame the Olympics on us, you know? I understand the Olympics were a big letdown, but this isn’t my fault! and, while I’m not one to point fingers, clearly the finger should be pointed at Bode Miller. He was out partying, having a good time, you know, not concentrating. [ a beat ] Been there.

Finally, there, uh, seems to be a misconception that this adminstration has been secretive. You know, we’ve been accused of being secretive about Iraq, about wiretapping, about Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face. I want to be completely open here – he did shoot a man in the face. And, uh, honestly, it happened before. And, for all we know, it’s gonna happen again. But, uh.. Dick has something he wants to say. Dick?

[ Dick Cheney relunctantly steps into frame ]

President George W. Bush: Was there, uh, something you want to say?

Dick Cheney: I’m sorry I shot my friend in the face.

President George W. Bush: [ nods ] And, uh, you know.. if you shoot another friend, will you keep it a secret? [ Cheney is silent ] Di-i-ick?

Dick Cheney: No, I will not.. keep it.. a secret.

President George W. Bush: So, Dick, okay, in the spirit of openess that we are embracing, do you have anything else to say?

Dick Cheney: [ hesitant, but finally ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

TV Funhouse: Belated Black History Moment

…..Dennis Haysbert

[open on title screen: “Belated Black History Moment”]

[dissolve to Dennis Haysbert walking forward on a sparse set with still images from cartoons featuring token black characters]

Dennis Haysbert: I’m Dennis Haysbert. For years, African Americans were reduced to minor roles in children’s cartoons. [dissolve to still from “Josie and the Pussycats,” including Valerie, who is black] Token characters, as they were called, [dissolve to still from “G.I. Joe” with four soldiers, including one who is black] were merely symbols meant to indicate diversity, and entirely inconsequential. [dissolve to studio] That all changed in 1992, when the American Broadcasting Company aired “Token Power,” [he approaches an easel with a still from “Token Power”] the first cartoon with an all token black cast. Finally, the token black was front and center.

[dissolve to title sequence]

Singers: [Franklin, Valerie, and Winston ride in the Token Cruiser] Token power! Token blacks! [the three characters are shown in a split screen with the logo “TP” in the middle] Celebrate the token blacks! [Franklin appears on a colored background] Well Franklin is the darkest friend of Charlie Brown [Franklin swings on a rope and knocks out a one-eyed robot that has grabbed Valerie], and [Valerie appears on a colored background] Valerie’s the Pussycat who never lets you down [Valerie trips a ghoulish creature that is chasing her, Franklin, and Winston], and [Winston appears on a colored background] Winston the Ghostbuster only has a line or two [Winston uses his proton pack to stop a giant green creature from menacing Franklin and Valerie], but when he gets to speak it’s really quite a Negro coup. Token power! [a mad scientists lowers the Tokens into a shark tank, but Valerie throws her tambourine at one of the sharks] Token blacks! Segregation tokens! [the Tokens rush onto a golf course and hold a “TP” flag in one of the holes] Utopia of token blacks! [the Tokens appear in front of their logo]

Dennis Haysbert: [voice over] In each episode, the Token Blacks would attempt to correct racial injustices.

[Valerie plays her tambourines while Winston rests on the couch]

Franklin: [arriving with newspaper] Hey, Tokens, did you hear? The mayor wants to stop the Million Man March because he thinks there’ll be a riot. Good grief!

Valerie: Wow, sounds like the soul brothers need our help.

Winston: [standing] But Tokens, we’re only supposed to be around white people. And off to the left.

Franklin: We’ve taken enough from Whitey. Let’s hit the Token Cruiser. [“TP” logo flashes, and cut to the Tokens in the Token Cruiser and landing near the Capitol in Washington, DC] Good grief, the National Guard!

Valerie: And one of them’s a soul brother.

[Lieutenant Jack Flap from “Beetle Bailey” approaches the Token Cruiser]

Lt. Flap: Hey, Pussycat, you’re sweet like bear meat. When am I gonna get all up in there?

Valerie: I love your natural. [points to his hair]

Lt. Flap: Hey, baby girl. Drop it like it’s hot. Pick it up when it’s cold.

[Franklin takes the microphone from a podium where Louis Farrakhan is speaking, surrounded by Fruit of Islam bodyguards]

Franklin: Everyone, let’s show the honky men why we’re angry!

Winston: I think Elvis put it best. [singing] On a cold and grey Chicago morning…

Tokens: [singing] A poor little baby child is born in the ghetto. [the crowd is stunned] And his momma cried.

[the Tokens begin to choke and the remaining lyrics are unintelligible]

Franklin: Can’t…breathe.

Valerie: Too…many…black…people.

Winston: Must…be…off…to the left.

[the crowd throws trash at the Tokens, who all collapse]

Dennis Haysbert: [voice over] The tokens could always be saved by Bryant Gumbel…

[The CBS eye flies to the Capitol and Bryant Gumbel appears within it]

Bryant Gumbel: Quick, get in the eye!

Dennis Haysbert: [voice over] …who would carry them away in the CBS eye [all four fly away in the eye] and off to the Palm steakhouse.

[Bryant and the Tokens are at a restaurant, surrounded by white people]

Bryant Gumbel: Promise me: no more uptown stuff. Okay, Tokens?

Valerie: We learned our lesson, Bryant. Harlem’s neat, but it sure feels good to be the only black people again.

Bryant Gumbel: Hello? I’m here, too!

Winston: Huh? Oh, yeah!

[they all laugh]

[dissolve to studio]

Dennis Haysbert: Sadly, “Token Power” was ahead of its time, and a huge piece of crap. It was quickly cancelled. But its impact was felt when, in 1993, CBS brought the fully dimensional African American character to children’s television with their cartoon adaptation of “Driving Miss Daisy.”

[dissolve to title sequence]

Singers: [Daisy buckles her seatbelt and Hoke drives the car up into the air, and a blue cat is seen in the car as well] Driving Miss Daisy [the car flies through the air around the Eiffel Tower] all over the world. [a general directs gunmen after Hoke, Daisy, and the cat as they run into a stone structure in a desert] Taking down bad guys [a samurai swings a sword] that’ll make your hair curl. [a mummy comes to life, and Hoke jumps into Daisy’s arms] Driving Miss Daisy [Hoke plays a keyboard; Daisy, tambourines; the cat, drums], who knows where they’ll go? [Daisy and the cat hold onto Hoke as he swings on a vine] ‘Cause anything can happen [an Egyptian pharoh uses a rod shaped like a snake to command cobras while Hoke, Daisy, and the cat slide down the side of a pyramid to flee the mummy before they take off in the car again] on the Hoke & Daisy show! [Hoke and Daisy on title screen: “Hoke & Daisy Show,” and the cat appears and laughs]

[dissolve to studio, with Dennis Haysbert now standing near a still from “The Hoke & Daisy Show” on an easel]

Dennis Haysbert: Regrettably, “The Hoke & Daisy Show” was ahead of its time, and a humongous, steaming bowl of elephant piss. It lasted but one episode, but it paved the way for another brave step when, in 1994, the Warner Brothers’ “Kids WB” introduced the first cartoon highlighting not African Americans, but an all African ensemble, in “Ladysmith Black Mambazo In Outer Space.” [he steps over to a still from that program]

[dissolve to title sequence with African chanting]

Singers: [A rocket takes off with the Ladysmith Black Mambazo on board. A tiny green alien pulls up on the controls. A giant orange alien laughs. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo runs from laser fire across an alien landscape. A green alien with a pink collar on his unifor skulks away with a gold record. The rocket ship is held in palce by a blue field generated by a green ship. A green alien launches the Ladysmith Black Mambazo out into space after trapping them in a transparent tube. An ice-blue alien in a red and royal blue uniform presses a button on a control panel and shoots more laser fire at the Ladysmith Black Mambazo, who run back across the alien landscape in the opposite direction. The members of the Ladysmith Black Mambazo are shown with their names: Misizi, Mthembu, Mazibuko, Jabulani, Thulani, Thamsanqa, Sibongiseni, Abednego, Shabablala. A green singularity appears in front of the rocket ship. The tiny green alien pulls up on the controls and the rocket ship returns to space. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo performs on a stage. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo runs from laser fire across an alien landscape in the same direction as before. An alien with a head that looks like a cucumber attempts to converse with the Ladysmith Black Mambazo, consulting an English to African dictionary. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo runs from a giant yellow alien, fleeing into a cave opening that is smaller than the alien]

[African chanting, with title screen] Ladysmith Black Mambazo in outer space.

Dennis Haysbert: Lamentably, “Ladysmith Black Mambazo In Outer Space” sucked it hard. For “Belated Black History Moments,” I’m Dennis Haysbert.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Goodnights

…..Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman: Thank you to Fall Out Boy.. Dennis Haysbert.. the cast and crew for making me feel so at home.. my mom and dad – thank you! Good night!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Jamba Juice

Cashier girl….Natalie Portman
Hyper employee….Seth Meyers
Employee 3….Horatio Sanz
Mary….Rachel Dratch
Dartrell….Kenan Thompson
Dan….Bill Hader
Terry….Chris Parnell
Businesswoman….Amy Poehler

[Opens with the outside of Jamba Juice establishment. Cuts to the inside of it, the trendy Jamba Juice, bright colors dominate the shop. Employees wear visors. Techno music plays, cashier’s girl jumps around to the music, female client approaches the counter]

Cashier Girl: HI! Welcome to Jamba Juice!! How are YOU TODAY!!!

Mary: I’m good.

Cashier Girl: ME TOO!!!

Mary: Wow!, you have a lot of energy.

Cashier Girl: Thank You!! What can I get you?!!!

Mary: Oh, so many choices.[looks at menu above]

Employee 3: Kevin, banana berry boost! Protein boost![hands over a shake]

Mary: Oh, banana berry. That sounds good.

Cashier Girl: Would you like a free boost with that?!!

Mary: Oh, what’s a free boost?

Hyper Employee:[jumps besides the cashier girl]A way to change your life!! WOOO!!![leaves]

Cashier Girl: Woo!! We have 6 free boosts! Energy!, femme!, fiber!, immunity!, protein!, and VITA!!!

Mary: Ah, what do you recommend?

Hyper Employee:[jumps back beside cashier girl]Living a life without limits!! WOO!!!

Employee 3: Jackie!, strawberries wild!! Vita boost![hands over shake]

Cashier Girl: Just to give you an idea I had 3 energy boost and a vita this morning and 2 more an hour ago!

Mary: Oh, it’s 10 a.m.

Cashier Girl: I’m feeling pretty GOOD!!!

Hyper Employee:[jumps back in]I have 6 immunity boosts!! I can’t get sick, I can’t get sick!! It’s 15 degrees out and I sprinted to work in wet hair and a t-shirt!!![sings old Jamaican chant from Lionel Richie’s song “All Night Long”]

All 3 employees: HEY!! JAMBA!!JAMBA!!

Mary: Ok, how about the first boost you said.

Cashier Girl: Great!! And your name?!!

Mary: Mary.

Cashier Girl:[sings name]Mary!, Mary!

All 3 employees: WHY YOU BUGGIN’?!!

Cashier Girl: That’ll be $4.85 please. Out of 5!! Dime and a nickel!! Boom!![gives back her change]

Employee 3: Dartrell!!, razzmatazz fiber boost, oooohhh![hands over shake to Dartrell, overweight, black]

Hyper Employee: Ooohh, fiber boost, somebody’s got to get movin’ down there!!

Dartrell: C’mon, man! Why you gotta say fiber boost? I’m pretty sure I’m the only Dertrell in here.[leaves]

Cashier Girl: Hi! Welcome to Jamba Juice!! How are you today?!!

Dan: Uh, fine.

Cashier Girl: ME TOO!!! What can I get for you?!!

Dan: Can I get a large orange berry blitz, please?

Cashier Girl: And what free boost would you like with that?

Dan: Are the proteins boost good?

Hyper Employee:[quick as hell response] I had 13 proteins boost yesterday and on the way to work I lifted a car that had fallen on a boy it turned out later it wasn’t a boy it was a Kit-Kat wrapper!!

Dan: Ok, uh, I’ll take a protein boost.

Cashier Girl: And can i just get your name?

Dan: Dan.

Cashier Girl:[sings]Dan!, Dan!

All 3 employees: WHY YOU BUGGIN’!!!

Cashier Girl: $5.35 out of 10, comin’ at ya’!![throws Dan back his change, falls on the floor, Dan picks it up. Businesswoman enters]Hi!! Welcome to Jamba Juice!!How are you today?!!!

Businesswoman: Hi, I’m in a bit of a hurry.

Cashier Girl: ME TOO!!!

Businesswoman: Ok, so if I could get a strawberry nirvana, that would be great.

Cashier Girl: I had 2 strawberry nirvanas yesterday and you want to know what happened?

Businesswoman: What?

Cashier Girl:[sinister whisper]I saw the future.

Employee 3: Terry!, orange dream machine double femme boost!![hands over shake]

Hyper Employee: Femme boost! Who’s the lucky lady?!

Terry:[gay as hell]That’s me![slurps]Ummm! Yummers![leaves]

Businesswoman: I’m sorry, can we hurry this up, please?

Cashier Girl: And what free boost would you like with that?

Businesswoman: No boost.

[Music stops, the 3 employees gather around and look at the businesswoman dead in her eye. Shocked beyond belief]

Cashier Girl: I’m sorry?

Businesswoman: No boost.

Cashier Girl: But it’s free.

Hyper Employee: You have to get a boost.

[Stunned silence and Seth cracks himself up, tries hard not to laugh. Horatio puts on a sad face, Seth looks at him, stifles laugh and Horatio stifles laugh too]

Employee 3: Boo-o-o-st.

Businesswoman: Why do I have to get a boost?

Cashier Girl: It’s everything we believe in.

Businesswoman: Fine. I’ll get a vita boost.

[World comes back to life, techno music plays,cashier girl resumes her dancing]

Hyper Employee: Yeah, that’s a great call!! I once had 8 vita boost in one sitting!! My urine looked like a rainbow!![sings old Jamaican chant from Lionel Richie’s song “All Night Long” one more time]

All 3 employees: HEY!! JAMBA!!!JAMBA!!!

[Horatio exits stage jumping around with a shake in his hand.]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Larry King Live

Larry King…..Fred Armisen
Felicity Huffman…..Kristen Wiig
Aidan Key…..Amy Poehler
Brenda Shavis…..Rachel Dratch
Jennifer Finney Boylan…..Will Forte
TJ Jurian…..Natalie Portman

[open on title screen: “Larry King Live”]

[dissolve to studio]

Larry King: Welcome back. We’ve been talking to the lovely Felicity Huffman, who is up for an Oscar for her portrayal of a preoperative transsexual in an extraordinary picture, “Transamerica.”

[cut to Felicity Huffman with title: “Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: Felicity Huffman: Oscar-nominated for her role in ‘Transamerica'”]

Felicity Huffman: Thank you for having me, Larry. I had a great time.

Larry King: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman portray a man who wants to be a woman quite like that. Not that anyone can touch Julie Andrew’s performance in “Victor, Victoria.”

Felicity Huffman: Well, I mean, who doesn’t love Julie Andrews?

Larry King: Well, you’d be crazy not to. Thank you, Felicity Huffman. Good luck at the Oscars. Tonight, we’re talking about men who have gone under the knife to become women, and women who have done the same to become men. First, identical twins, [cut to a photograph of identical twin girls of elementary school age] formerly Brenda and Bonnie Shevis, now Brenda Shevis and Aidan Key. [cut to studio where a man and a woman are sitting together in the studio, then cut to a blonde woman in the studio] Jennifer Finney Boylan; she was John Boylan [cut to photograph of a man with glasses and a bolo tie] before sexual reassignment surgery at the age of forty-two. [cut to studio] And TJ Jurian [cut to an androgynous person on a video link], born a woman, [cut to photograph of TJ as a woman] living as a man, now featured on the show “Transgeneration” [cut to studio] on the terrific gay channel, lah-go. Thank you all for being here.

[cuts continue throughout]

Aidan: Thanks for having us.

TJ: Hi.

Larry King: Now, Brenda and Aidan, you were born identical twin girls.

Aidan: Uh, yes, yes we were, Larry.

Larry King: And now, Aidan, formery Bonnie, you have gone through the surgery, and now you’re male?

Aidan: Uh, that’s correct. But I will say I’ve always identified myself with being male.

[title: “Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: Aidan Key: Born a girl named Bonnie with idnetical twin Brenda]

Larry King: Aidan, that’s a boy’s name? Why not go with a Ralph, or Barney?

Aidan: Uh, I don’t know, I liked the name Aidan.

Larry King: And now, Brenda, you were born female?

Brenda: Yes, Larry. We were both born female.

Larry King: So your sister decided to become a man, and you decided to stay put, stick with what you had down there.

Brenda: Yes. I’m happy being who I am, but my sister was not, and he’s much happier now.

Larry King: So, who is who’s brother?

Aidan: Uh, I’m Brenda’s brother.

Larry King: And now you have a child of your own.

Aidan: Yes, I do, Larry.

Larry King: So, are you the mother or the father?

Aidan: I’m the father.

Larry King: So, you fathered the child?

Aidan: No, Larry. That’s scientifically impossible.

Larry King: But you donated the sperm. [nods]

Aidan: No, that’s not possible, either.

Larry King: Well, congratulations. You look like a super good-looking gay man.

Aidan: Thank you, Larry.

Larry King: Now, Jennifer Finney Boylan.

Jennifer: Hi, Larry.

Larry King: Why the surgery? Why not just buy a long, blonde wig and, say, get a brazier and stuff it with tangerines and call it a day?

Jennifer: [title: Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: Jennifer Finney Boylan: Was James Boylan before surgery] Larry, it was important for me to physically become a woman in order to feel complete.

Larry King: And before you swapped your parts, did you have lesbian experiences?

Jennifer: No, Larry, because I was a man before.

Larry King: And do you ever miss being a woman?

Jennifer: Well, I’m a woman now, Larry. I know it can be very confusing.

Larry King: Confusing? I haven’t been this perplexed since Criss Angel, “Mindfreak,” came on the show and stuck a string through his eyeball and pulled it out of Jane Fonda’s nose. Now, TJ Jurian, where is your penis now?

TJ: [title: Undergoing Transsexual Surgery: TJ Jurian: Born female, has not yet had surgery to become male] I don’t have a penis yet, Larry. I haven’t made the surgery yet. I’m a transmale.

Larry King: So you’re gonna be a woman?

TJ: No, I’m a woman now.

Larry King: So what did they do with your penis once they removed it?

TJ: They never removed it, Larry.

Larry King: Now, wait a minute. You’re going to have two penises?

TJ: Larry, I was born a female, and I’m going to have surgery to become a male.

Larry King: So you’re looking for a penis. Jennifer Boylan, why don’t you give her your old penis?

TJ: I’m not in possession of it any more, Larry.

Larry King: Well, good luck on your search, TJ, but it looks like you may have to stay a woman a little longer.

TJ: That’s all right, Larry. I define myself as a man. I’m just not a man yet, physically.

Larry King: Well, you look like a man, you sound like a man, and the rest of it is none of my business, anyway. That’s what I told George Hamilton last week in the dry sauna. [Jennifer looks puzzledly back at Aidan and Brenda while Aidan looks at Brenda and Brenda looks away awkwardly, and TJ looks askance as well] Thank you for joining us. You’re all terrific people, no matter what’s in your pantaloons. Join us tomorrow. I’ll be talking to Kim Cattrall. Now that lady is 150% woman, I don’t care how many penises you stick on her. That’s it for tonight. Stay tuned for “Anderson Cooper 360,” where his guest will be a gal named Katrina. Good night.

[dissolve to title screen: “Larry King Live”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Natalie Portman’s Monologue

…..Natalie Portman
Fan 1…..Andy Samberg
Fan 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Fan 3…..Finesse Mitchell
Fan 4…..Kristen Wiig
Fan 5…..Chris Parnell

Natalie Portman: Welcome here, hosting Saturday Night Live. You know, I’ve been in over a dozen films, but I think people probably know me best for my role in the three Star Wars movies.

Fan #1: Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Natalie Portman: Yes, you have a question?

Fan #1: Hum, yes. Funny you mention Star Wars. I have an Episode II specific question.

Natalie Portman: Yeah, go ahead.

Fan #1: Ok. Are we honestly supposed to believe that Jango Fett really really worked hand in hand with Sifo-Dyas in the galactic scenic, to build a clone army on the planet of Kamino?

Natalie Portman: I’m sorry; I get it all the time, you know. Certain kinds of people think that just because I was in Star Wars, I know everything about it.

Fan #1: So you don’t know the answer?

Natalie Portman: Well I begin by saying that Sifo-Dyas never worked directly with Jango Fett and it was Dark Tyrannus who selected the mandolorien bounty hunter after Sifo-Dyas is murdered.

Fan #1: Yeah, I forgot that, I forgot about that.

Natalie Portman: Well, I guess that you also forgot that Count Dooku, who later became Dark Tyrannus, murdered Sifo-Dyas at the order of Dark Sidious none later presented his light-saber to General Grievous.

Fan #1: Never mind.

Natalie Portman: I hope that cleared that up for you. And any other questions? Oh yeah, you.

Fan #2: Yeah, in Episode III, when Obi-Wan is sent to Kashyyk to find General Grievous.

Natalie Portman: Oh, that’s weird because I don’t remember Obi-Wan being sent to Kashyyk to find General Grievous, I remember him being sent to Utapau.

Fan #2: Yah, yah, yah…Right, so he was sent to Utapau, wasn’t it, and he saw Grievous talking to Lott Dod.

Natalie Portman: Excuse me, sir but I think that you’re probably thinking about Nute Gunray. It’s a pretty common mistake. But, what‘s your question?

Fan #2: I, eh… I do not have a question.

Natalie Portman: Does anyone have a real Star wars question?

Fan #3: Yeah, I believe I have a question.

Natalie Portman: Great, what is it?

Fan #3: Star Wars, eh, what is that?

Natalie Portman: You know what? How about no more Star Wars questions, ok? Yeah, you.

Fan #4: You had to shave your head recently.

Natalie Portman: Yeah, it was for my new movie V for Vendetta.

Fan #4: So, it wasn’t for a headlight.

Natalie Portman: No, no, it wasn’t.

Fan #4: I owe my daughter a big apology.

Natalie Portman: Ok, anyone else?

Fan #5: My question is about your first movie The Professional.

Natalie Portman: Great. You know I was actually 11 when I made that movie.

Fan #5: Yes, I do know that. My question is: do you still have any of your wardrobes from that movie? And if so, would you be willing to sell it?

Natalie Portman: Ok, that’s gross, ok. I think that’s about enough. We have a great show: Fall Out Boy’s here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Alexandre

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

The Needlers

David…..Jason Sudeikis
Dr. Stevens…..Natalie Portman
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers

[open on exterior of a medical facility]

[dissolve to interior door: “Fertility Clinic”]

[dissolve to doctor’s office]

David: [entering] Dr. Stevens, your three o’clock is here, finally.

Dr. Stevens: Oh, thanks, David. Show them in, please.

[the Needlers enter]

Sally: Hi, sorry we’re late, Dr. Stevens. Dan took this great short-cut that took twice as long for us to get here.

Dan: Yeah, it’s all part of my master plan to spend as much time as possible in a car with my wife.

Sally: My husband has a terrible sense of direction. That’s probably why his sperm can’t find my eggs.

Dan: Oh, you know–

[jingle plays with still photo montage]

Man: [singing] Who is the thorn that’s in my side? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]

Woman: [singing] Who’s got the face that makes me angry? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]

Both: [singing] Who makes me scream inside my head? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas] It’s who? Darling, it’s still you.

Announcer: [voice over with title] “The Needlers: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”

[dissolve to clinic]

Dr. Stevens: So, am I correct to assume that you’re trying to have a baby?

Sally: Well, I know that I’m trying. I can’t speak for my husband.

Dan: Oh, when did that start?

Dr. Stevens: Okay. Okay, uh, well, I always like to start with asking couples if they feel ready to be parents.

Dan: Oh, yes.

Sally: Without a doubt.

Dan: Definitely.

Sally: Yes.

Dan: Sally’s gonna make a great mom. She’s been treating me like a child for years.

Sally: Dan, I’ll stop treating you like a child when you get your drums out of the basement.

Dan: Sally wants the space for another treadmill she’ll never step foot on.

Sally: [with mock joy] Yay! You win!

Dr. Stevens: Wow. Okay. Having children is a really big responsibility. As I’m sure you know, they need constant attention.

Sally: Oh, I have an idea, Dan. If the baby needs constant attention, maybe we can dress it up like your secretary.

Dan: Or a bottle of red wine.

Sally: We love kids.

Dan: We do love kids.

Sally: We do.

Dan: We agree on that.

Dr. Stevens: Okay, let’s move ahead. Now, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to infertility. For example, how’s your diet?

Dan: Uh, it’s pretty good. Lots of vegetables. We’ve cut down on our meat.

Sally: Well, that’s because someone got mad at the grill and pushed it into the swimming pool.

Dan: That was probably because someone kept complaining that their steak tasted too steak-y.

Sally: You know, you ruin every Fourth of July.

Dan: You ruin the fourth of everything!

Dr. Stevens: Well, I think I know the answer to this, but how would you rate your stress level?

Dan: Low.

Sally: [simultaneously] High. [looks at Dan] Really?

Dan: Should I have high stress levels?

Sally: I dunno. Seven years without a promotion? I might get a little stressed out.

Dan: And what’s causing your high stress levels? The virus that’s sweeping through Port Charles on General Hospital?

Sally: You know, for a show you don’t watch, Dan, you certainly seem to know a lot about it.

Dan: I like to know my wife’s friends!

Dr. Stevens: Tell you what, why don’t we just fly right through the rest of this, get you out of here as soon as we can, okay? Have you ever suffered any injuries to the genital region?

Dan: Sally, you want to tell that story?

Sally: Look, I am sorry, Dan, okay? Cosmo said you would like it.

Dan: Well, Cosmo should have said to give me a heads-up first.

Dr. Stevens: I don’t even want to know what that means. All right, listen. Before you two make this important decision, listen, could I maybe suggest couples counseling?

Dan: You know, we tried that, but they kept saying we could solve all our problems if we just listened to each other.

Sally: Yeah, but we thought it might just be easier to have a baby. [makes a pouty face]

Dr. Stevens: Well, maybe you guys should try getting a pet, like a dog or something.

Dan: You know, we had a dog. It ran away.

Dr. Stevens: Oh, I’m sorry.

Sally: Oh, but we found it. But it ran away again.

Dan: Yeah. That dog wanted out.

Dr. Stevens: Look, this isn’t really my business, but you two seem entirely incapable of being parents.

Sally: How dare you?! [stands] My husband is more than ready to be a father. This is a man who went to one year of law school, three months of business school, and half-painted every wall in our living room.

Dan: [stands] And this woman may not be the most loving person you will ever meet.

Sally: Yes?

Dan: Oh, no, I’m done.

Sally: Oh! Can I talk to you for a second?!

Dan: Fine!

[the Needlers exit the office and slam the door]

David: [entering] Everything okay?

Dr. Stevens: Now it is. Can you send in my next patients, please?

David: Yeah, of course. [exits and immediately returns] Ah, I don’t think we’re going to have any more patients today.

Dr. Stevens: Why’s that?

David: Well, the Needlers are having sex out there. In the waiting room. On the stack of Highlights magazines.

Dr. Stevens: What?

[the Needlers stagger back into the office]

Sally: Oh, um, you’ll, um, should we come in next week for the test results?

Dr. Stevens: Uh, well, you’ll need to leave a sample.

Dan: Uh, there’s probably one out there.

Sally: Yeah, so, thank you guys!

Dan: Thank you guys! You guys were great!

Sally: Thank you!

[the Needlers back out of the office]

[dissolve to title screen with voice over: “The Needlers: The Couple That Should Be Divorced]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Artsy Apartment

Nunni…..Natalie Portman
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
Nuni…..Maya Rudolph
Nonny…..Fred Armisen
Tato…..Chris Parnell

(Nunni and Jeff walk in the door to the modern house)

Nunni: Motha? Dadu? We’re here!

Jeff: I hope they like me.

Nunni: Don’t worry. They love all my new boyfriends.

Noony: You made it!

Nuni:Oh, you must forgive us, we were eating raw bacon in the lighthouse.

(the three hug)

Nunni: Motha, Dadu, This is my new boyfriend. He is from the college with me.

Jeff: Hi, it’s an honor to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Schoener.

Nuni: Oh please, everyone calls me Nuni.

Jeff: Oh! So Nunni, you’re named after your mother?

Noony: No She is Nunni and she is Nuni.

Jeff: Uh, yeah. Nuni, that’s what I am saying right? Nuni.

Noony: No, I am Noony.

Jeff: Oh, you’re Nuni.

Nuni: No. No. Noony.

Jeff: Nuuuuuuni.

Nunni: That is no one.

Nuni: Look at my face. Nuni.

Jeff: Alright, I feel like…Nuni. Is that right Nuni?

Noony: That is very incorrect. Hey! Let us toss in the towel.

Nuni: Please children, won’t you join us in the sitting room?

Jeff: Oh, Alright. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is there a chair for me?

Nuni: You sit over there on that pile of hair.

Jeff: Oh, this is actually a cahir?

Noony: Why yes it’s the Hair Chair by Mobus.

Jeff: Oh yeah, Mobus. Of course. Wow this chair is actually very itchy.

Nunni: Yes it is. It is because of all the gorilla hair.

Jeff: Wait, so did someone kill a gorilla to make this chair?

Nuni: What a terrible conclusion! It is the hair collected from the bottom of agorilla shower, silly.

Noony: So young boy. Please tell us about yourself.

Jeff: Uh, well. My name is Jeff.

Nuni: Geyf. Gearf. Guearf. Guarf.

Jeff: No no no it’s Jeff.

Noony: Je Guar. Jay Hay. Jerganz.

Nunni: Motha Dadu, you are embarrasing me. Its Jerff. Jeh-Ear-Earre-Effe! Juearf!

Noony: Oh. Like the racecar competitor Juaref Gueardon.

Nuni: Oh, like the wonderful actor Juef Goaldblaum.

Nunni: Precisely! Juearf!

Nuni: Wonderful! We’re in agreement.

Noony: With all this visiting you must be quite hungry. Who wants a snack?

Nuni: Tato! Time for treat!

Tato: Who wants melted ice cream?

Nuni, Noony, Nunni: Me me me me me me me!

Noony: Oh Tato please. Give me blueberry. It’s my favorite.

(Tato sucks it up through a large straw and spits it into his mouth)

Nunni: Put on your treat bib Jarbf!

Jeff: No, I’m good. I really don’t need anyone to blow melted ice cream into mymouth.

Nuni: Oh Guarf, don’t be rude.

Nunni: Please Lerf. If you cared about me you would be more polite. Tato TatoTato, me next!

Jeff: I do care about you Nuni.

Noony: Well, I care about you too, but this is all so new to me.

Jeff: Not you Nuni, her Nuni. You know what, uh, Tater. Let me try thestrawberry.

Tato: Open wide, here comes the tube.

Jeff: Ahh, alright.

Tato: My cousin turns three in two more years. (giggles)

Jeff: Hey, how about that? Uh, you know what, that didn’t taste like strawberry.

Nuni: That is because it is pizza and capers.

Jeff: Wonderful.

Nunni: Would you like to try banana and clam?

Jeff: You know what, I’m gonna pass. I’m gonna pass on that one. Uh, where’s thelittle boys room.

Nunni: Oh, please use Dada’s mobile.

Nuni: It’s the Carry Pot by Human Function.

Jeff: Um, where do I do this?

Noony: Well, right here of course.

Jeff: Uh huh. Uh, maybe I’ll just take this little bugger outside, alright?

Nuni: Alright. Bye Groof.

Noony: Bye Jyland.

Nuni: Oh darling. He is so charming.

Nunni: He’s shy.

Noony: I want some more melted ice cream! Tato!!!

Tato: Who want’s seconds?

Noony, Nuni, Nunni: Me me me me me me me me!

(fade out to Nonny getting more ice cream spat in his mouth)

Submitted by: Redhead

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  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Rebecca Herschlag…..Natalie Portman
Sheldon’s Grandfather…..Fred Armisen
Jonah…..Andy Samberg
Sheldon’s Father…..Chris Parnell

[open on hand-drawn sign: “Wakefield AV Club presents Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah,” with party music playing]

Megan: [from behind the sign] Hey, coming at you live from the beautiful Heritage Ballroom at the San Jose Embassy Suites, this is Sheldon’s bar mitzvah. [she sets the sign down to reveal herself and Sheldon, dressed formally, including a yarmulke for Sheldon, in a ballroom filled with teenagers dressed similarly]

Sheldon: Thanks.

Megan: I’m your host, Megan, and I’m taping this for my best friend and guest of honor. He’s got mad Hebrew skills. Please welcome Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey. Hey.

Megan: Whoah, Sheldon, this bar mitzvah is sweet. It’s just like “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” except sooner and Jewish-er.

Sheldon: Thanks. Embassy Suites is really first rate. My dad got married here last year.

[Megan takes an hors d’oevre from a passing waiter]

Megan: Wow, look, they’ve got chicken satay. [shows it to Sheldon] Awesome!

Sheldon: Oh! Don’t hold that near my face; major peanut allergy.

Megan: Sheldon’s parents went all-out for this. [camera pans across buffet table, showing the following items] They have a make-your-own-sundae bar, virgin jello shots, and a professional Conan O’Brien look-alike.

[a man with red hair makes a thumbs-up sign, makes wild hand gestures, then runs two fingers across his lips and through his hair]

Sheldon: Yeah, and my mom said she had some kind of surprise entertainment later.

Megan: [spastically] Is it Maroon 5?! Is there any possible way your mom got Maroon 5 to be here?! That’d be aweome! [somewhat more calmly] Adam Levine’s voice jumps out of my iPod and into my soul. [singing] And he wi-i-ill be lo-o-oved!

Rebecca: [approaching from the side] Hi Sheldon. Congratulations! You did so great, and this party is so fun.

Sheldon: Thanks.

Rebecca: You look really nice.

Sheldon: Thanks. So do you.

Rebecca: I’m gonna go get a Sprite–

Sheldon: [simultaneously] Do you want to dance–?

[Rebecca turns and walks away]

Megan: Whoah, awkward. That’s Rebecca Herschlag, Sheldon’s ex. They hooked up in the pit orchestra of “Guys and Dolls.”

Sheldon: [scoffs] Never date a viola player.

Sheldon’s Grandfather: Oh, there he is. The superstar! [he grabs Sheldon’s chin and cheeks] Look at that little punum!

Sheldon: Hey, Grandpa.

Sheldon’s Grandfather: [lets go of Sheldon’s face] You know what, I got something for you. But don’t open it here, all right? I’m not trying to show off. And, anyway, it’s a surprise. [to Megan, loudly, but with a cupped hand] It’s a hundred dollars! [seeing someone off-camera] Hey, Maury!

Megan: I’m super-fascinated by the mystical nature of Judai-ism. The yarmulkes, the Kabbalah bracelets, oh, I don’t know, Adam Levi-i-ine. Whoah, who brought up Adam Levine? That’s cool. I have a picture of us if you want to see it. [she pulls a folded magazine page from inside the bosom of her dress] It’s the two of us here. [she opens it to the camera to show that it’s a photograph of Adam Levine in the magazine, with a photograph of herself glued next to him] “Oh, hey, Adam. What are you doing here at Sheldon’s bar mitzvah?” “I came here to be with you, baby.” “Oh, wait, I–” [she crinkles the page to put the faces on top of each other, as if kissing] “Mmm-mmm, ooh, ooh.”

Rebecca: [rushing up] Sheldon, careful, there’s chicken satay!

Sheldon: Oh, I know.

[“Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker begins to play]

Rebecca: I just wanted to make sure you have your epi-pen.

Sheldon: [he pulls an epi-pen from his lapel] You know me too well, Herschlag, too well. [he replaces the epi-pen]

Rebecca: Oh, my gosh, they’re playing our song.

[Sheldon and Rebecca look at each other]

Jonah: Hey, Becca, babes, the Conan line’s died down a little. You wanna get our picture taken?

Rebecca: Yeah, do you wanna?

Sheldon: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, are you two a thing?

Rebecca: Oh, Sheldon. Yeah. We were paired up in science for frog dissection, and, you know, one thing to another.

Jonah: What can I say, man? The heart wants what it wants. [“Check On It” by Beyoncé begins to play] Ooo-o-oh!

[Jonah and Rebecca dance away to the side]

Megan: Hey, Sheldon, do you want to dance?

[Megan puts her hands on Sheldon’s shoulders, turning him to her, and they bounce and rock a little, while Rebecca grinds her backside wildly onto Jonah, and Sheldon sees this]

Sheldon: Whoah! All we did was hold hands while we waited to get picked up.

Megan: Wow, poor Sheldon. If Sheldon were to make a mathematical graph of this evening, the line spiked at the wheeling-out the chocolate fondue fountain, and now it has plummeted, maybe even reaching below the x-axis. Sheldon may have only dated Rebecca for two days, but he said it was super-intense.

Sheldon: The love of my life leaves me for my debate partner? [sighs] Today I am a man.

Sheldon’s Father: [on the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our very special surprise musical guests. I’ll give you a hint: they’ve got a number in their name.

Megan: [spastically] Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh! Maroon 5! Five, number five is a five, number, number five! Oh, my gosh, Maroon 5, awesome, they’re here!

Sheldon’s Father: Ladies and gentlemen, Jazz Times 10!

[teenaged boys come to the stage with musical instruments and begin playing Hava Nagila, while a Hora starts on the dance floor]

Sheldon: No way! I’ve never needed you guys more than I do right now!

Megan: Yeah, shake it off, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Shoddy, you rock that clarinet! Man, nothing pulls me out of a funk faster than Jazz Times 10 going klezmer. Ha-ha! Signing off, I am Sheldon. [rolls his hand off his forehead in a salute]

Megan: And I’m the future Mrs. Adam Levi-i-ine.

Megan and Sheldon: Shalom!

[Megan and Sheldon head onto the dance floor and join the Hora]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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